As a teenager, my grandfather taught me all about his projectnuclear waste stabilization.

His project entails homogenizing nuclear waste with clay and baking the mixture in a
furnace at very high temperatures. The crystalline structure that the resulting ceramic
forms binds the waste, preventing any waste leakage. As amazing as I think my
grandfathers work is, what inspires me the most is how he got there. It is one of things that
motivates me to pursue my dream of becoming a physician.
As a teenager, my grandfather taught me all about his projectnuclear waste stabilization
using clay. As amazing as I think my grandfathers work is, what inspires me the most is
how he got there. It is one of things that motivates me to pursue my dream of becoming a
physician. Growing up, my grandfather worked in the local brickyard and developed a
passion for working with clay. However, in college, he took the necessary coursework to
follow his fathergo into medicine. Although once he received his medical school acceptance,
he could not shake the feeling that his career was not in medicine but rather in geology. He
ultimately enrolled in a geology graduate program to pursue his interests in speeding up
the firing process of clay, which at the time took about two weeks. My grandfather allowed
his experiences to guide him to a career where he thrived. Similarly, I have had my own
experiences that have lead me to pursue a career in medicine.
Before the start of third grade I One of those experiences was underwent undergoing a
tonsillectomy before the start of third grade. that The procedure left me with a very nasally
voice. My family had just moved so being the new kid at school with the weird voice did not
help. I was teased about every day. I was frequently pulled out of class to attend speech
therapy, which only made the teasing worse. When speech therapy proved to be
inadequate to correct my voice, my parents and I were introduced to Dr. Hill. I do not
remember much from my appointments with him, but I do remember how calming he
made me feel. When it was decided that I needed to have a reconstructive procedure done,
I was quite nervous. I can vividly recall how scared I was to be wheeled away from my
parents and into the operating room. Sensing my emotions, Dr. Hill walked alongside my
bed talking to me about my favorite football team, the San Francisco 49ers. Listening to him
talk about Steve Young is the last thing I remember before the drugs kicked in. I was
grateful for this act of compassion then, but I appreciate it even more now realizing that Dr.
Hill could have used those 5-10 minutes to fill out paperwork. It was such a small gesture,
but it is the one thing I have never forgotten.
Similar to my grandfathers devotion to his project, I have dedicated my young adult life to
realizinge my dream of practicing medicine. I remember the compassion I felt toward a
young teenage boy that came to see the general surgeon I was shadowing. The boy was
suffering from gynecomastia. He was so embarrassed that he was wearing multiple shirts
in an attempt to mask the irregularity. He underwent surgery to remove the extra breast
tissue, and I happened to be there for his follow up appointment. His demeanor had
completely changed. He had transformed overnight from a self-conscious teenager to one
brimming with confidence. Knowing that I could have that type of effect on someone is a
major reason I want to practice medicine.

Commented [BP1]: This can potentially be parallel but it will

need some work. Really think about this paragraph why are
you including it? What do you want us to learn about YOU from
it?
Also, I would not mention his medical school acceptance. Gloss
over this detail. It raises a major red flag and dismantles the
parallelism. (How can he leave medicine yet inspire you to go
into medicine?)
Example intro paragraph:
As a teenager, my grandfather always taught me to pursue my
passions. As amazing as I think his work in nuclear waste
stabilization is, what inspires me the most is how he got there. In
college, he took the necessary coursework to follow a particular
career path, and was accepted to a graduate program. However,
he could not shake the feeling that his career was not there, but
elsewhere. He ultimately enrolled in a different graduate
program to pursue his true interests. Similarly, I have had my
own experiences that have lead me to pursue a career in
medicine.
Commented [BP2]: This may not be a perfect example, but
you will need to work in a transition here. This paragraph seems
disconnected.
Commented [BP3]: Show some vulnerability. How did this
teasing affect you? Were you sad? Mad? Did you fight back? Paint
a real picture the admissions board can relate to!
You can use this point to connect with the boy in your next story
and show how you empathized with him.
Commented [BP4]: Make sure that Dr. Hill is NOT the star of
this show. If we were filming a movie of your personal
statement, who would the camera be on? We want it on you!
Commented [BP5]: Same thing here. Make sure you are the
main character. We want YOU in the picture at all times.
Commented [BP6]: Go back to your own struggle with your
voice. I was able to empathize with this boy. I knew what it felt
like to be self-conscious because of something I had no control
over. As I saw him regain his confidence, I thought back to my
life-changing reconstructive surgery. I knew how happy he was
and wanted that for every future patient
Use this to SHOW us your empathy!

I have encountered many other patients whose situations have touched me, and each
helped me see the level of trust involved in a doctor-patient relationship. Working for three
doctors these last two years has taught me not only the importance of establishing this
trust, but also of demonstrating empathy towards patients. It is particularly challenging
when the pressures of practice continually whittle down the time most doctors can spend
with each patient. I have learned a lot about relationships with patients through
observation and personal experience. My desire to practice medicine remains resolute.
After my throat surgery, the teasing and bullying stopped. Through my 9-year-old eyes, it
stopped because of Dr. Hill. His precision and skill changed my life. As I got older and my
interest in medicine grew, I continued to have experiences while shadowing physicians,
volunteering and working in healthcare that nurtured my love for medicine and my desire
to become a physician. Like my grandfather, I have allowed my experiences to lead me
toward a profession that I feel passionate about. My past has given me both the desire and
empathy to be an outstanding physician, one who recognizes patients physical, mental and
emotional needs and whose understanding of medicine facilitates exceptional patient care.

Commented [BP7]: This paragraph tells us one basic thing.

That you have exposure. It would be better to dedicate one or
two of your 15 meaningful experiences within the application to
patient exposure and use the space in your personal statement
to tell us about YOU! Remember, dont list things that admissions
boards will find in other parts of your application. If you want to
talk about patient exposure, lets tell a story of a time you
interacted with a patient.
Commented [BP8]: This claim I have learned a lot needs a
result. For example, Because I have learned Trait A, B, C, I will
be a better physician. Trait A, B, and C, will result in me doing
____ as a future doctor. What will you do with the traits you have
learned from shadowing?
Be more specific in this paragraph. You talk about trust and
empathy, but dont show how you have ever changed a patient
with those traits. You say you have learned them. Dont tell us,
show us.
You have the room to add another story (and you could use this
as a conclusion!). Show us a time when you were empathetic. All
of your stories show someone acting on you. Show us a time
when YOU were the main actor in an empathetic situation.