Thursday 23rd,September 2010. As I said goodbye to the love of my life, I felt my heart break into pieces.

This was not new to me, I do it every other year, and every other year I hate it. This time it hurt like it did the very first time he left me in this world of loneliness. Im not very sure whether it is because he was here for three weeks this time, the longest time he has ever been home. Or maybe its because we got married two weeks ago and had the best time of our lives. Now my baibe is gone and I remain behind with a broken heart, tears in my eyes, loneliness in my soul and a ring on my finger. As I lay down in bed I feel the tears burn up my eyes and soak my pillow. My heart is over whelmed with pain I can hardly bear. The emotions that crowd my mind I can barely understand. My body shivers, not at the gentleness of his touch this time round, but of the cold caused by the emptiness on one side of my bed. Four years ago I stood at the airport crying my eyes out, with my baibe on the other side of the glass. He looked at my face and reached out his hands as if to dry my tears. At that moment I longed for his arms around me. I longed to lean against his chest, to listen to his heart beating as if my own heart beat depended on it. The glass wall between us though seemed thicker than it looked. As he slowly took his had away, I saw his palm print fade away and I felt a part of me fade away with it. Everyone said that with time it will get better, but as time goes by the pain gets more and more unbearable. Why is saying goodbye so damn difficult? Friday 24th,September 2010. The night was freezing, not even the lit up lamp beside my bed could warm up the mood that crowded our room. The silence that filled the room was piercing through my ear drums. I tossed and turned in search of comfort in vain. And as I listened through the night, from time to time I could hear from a distance his deep snoring. So last night I couldnt sleep very well and it wasnt his snoring that made me restless, it was the lack of it. Ooh baibe I wonder how your night was? So some friends of mine are going down to coast for rugby most of them think I should go, its only because they might miss my company if I didnt. For the few who know what am going through they think it will relax me, to be around people and have some fun. Will it really fill the void that my lover left behind? Will this trip brig out the smiles that have

long disappeared with the departure of my lover? How do I learn to be without him? How do I get through another day without the tenderness of his touch? Im I wrong to love him so deeply knowing well that distance is killing me? Is it wrong to hunger for the touch of my husband knowing well that his job steals from me this opportunity? My friend Ella is really looking forward for this trip its going to be her first time there. I might travel with her. I need to get out of bed now, try and find me something to eat or else I might just starve. Its late in the after noon and I havent even packed. Monday 27th, September 2010. Today I came back home from coast tired and exhausted like hell. I slept through out the journey and got home very hungry. The trip was not what I thought it would be. Just as I was checking back into town I got a call from my baibe. Things have not really been easy between us since he left and hearing his voice was more than I expected today. I missed him during the tour, I wish my baibe was with me. I hate sleeping without him beside me, when he is not by my side the nights are scary. I wake up I the morning and as I turn to look for my lover to say good morning I realise that he isnt with me. The thought of my lover not being beside me is frightening. This morning as I got ready to leave I wished my baibe was with me I wanted to travel with my man. I never knew that someone could love another human this much, especially with no blood relation. I never thought I could fall in love so deeply that I feel like I could never make it with him. Its like I know not any other life apart from my life with my husband. This love pierces through my heart, from time to time I can feel my body getting cold. Sometimes I feel like Im a prisoner, cause this love has totally caged my heart. Im tired I wish my husband was with me so I could put my head on his chest, and he would put his hands around me as I narrate to him want I think. Goodnight my love, my sweetheart, my husband I miss you. Tuesday 28th, September 2010. My body is exhausted, I cant remember ever feeling this fatigued. I even missed my sisters rally this morning, was feeling too week. My night was hmmmm well I cant explain. I had dreams of my husband one after the other. In one of them, my whole body was covered in sweat, the heat was too much during the night. My heart raced as I felt his fingers run through my body, and as he leaned forward to kiss

me his warm breath weakened my knees. As soon as my husbands lips met mine, I felt my blood flow stop, and in a split of a second I could feel my blood rush through my veins. I could feel my cheeks burn up as hot sweat trickled down my face. My breathing got heavier as my body begun to fill with goose bumps. I felt myself suffocating at the pressure of his weight against my body. As I locked my hands around him my body felt pleasure I could totally get used to. I woke up with my whole body trembling and covered in sweat, my heart was racing and beating almost as loud as the western drums. I woke up as if to jump out of my bed, but this reaction was not caused by a nightmare. Have a good day my love. Thursday 30th, September 2010. Yesterday the weather was quit bad. I had some errands to run and I really did not feel like leaving the bed let alone the house. I had to. If I could have it my way then I would stay indoors more specifically in bed watching a movie. Probably have a cup of tea or coffee to warm up my body. Mostly I would love for my husband to be by my side, now thats the kind of heat I would love to feel. If only he could hold me I his arms then I would get the chance to stroke his belly. When I got home the silence that welcomed me was scary. For a moment during the day I kind of forgot that I am a very desperate lonely sad recently wedded woman. The darkness that covered the room sort of reminded me about it. This place does not feel like home without the presence of my love. I want to have a normal life like to know that I have a husband to go home to at the end of the day to know that I need to have his diner ready for him when he gets home. I know that my ma is a blessing to my life he is the best thing that has ever happen to me, so why is the life we live so darn difficult? Why do I feel like am being punished cause I love him? Im I not supposed to love my husband? All I want is to be in the arms of the man who drives me insane, the man who I adore, the man that makes meaning to my life eve when I dont understand it myself. I need my baibe, I want my man with me. People say that marriage is difficult I do not understand why they so claim and their husbands are with them. If its true though I would rather go through those difficult times than to leave one more day without my husband. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and am not very sure I will make it through the day with out him. I go to bed every night not sure of how this night is going to be without the only man who makes my blood rush just by a look. I wish he knew how much I want him I wish he knew how this distance is

killing me softly. My only prayer is he realises this and make it right before he looses me completely. Friday 1st, October 2010. Today dear diary I have been thinking a lot about my husband I miss him. I keep on thinking of my wedding day. Oh God it was the happiest day of my life. Planning my wedding was not a smooth sail for me. Oh it had its worst moments. And while going through it, at times I was not very sure if I really knew what I was getting my self into. When you dream of the biggest day of your life, you never think of the obstacles that you meet along the way. At times it gets so much into your nerves and you end up wondering if all that is worth it. Well for me it was, it was a blessed day thank to God I do not think I have ever been happier than to be with my lover the man I have always wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Everyone was so happy for me at least for most of them. As for me am just happy that finally I was the wife of one of the best men on earth. I was the happiest woman on earth on September 11th. It Friday the weekend has just begun if only my man was here to spoil me a bit this weekend. Sunday 3rd, October 2010. This weekend was not very good for me. A lot of stuff was going on around me. I witnessed a couple fighting and it reminded me of so much!!!!! Just before my baibe left me we had a fight, in fact we departed in not very good terms. To date as I think about it, it pricks my heart how I wish that I could turn back the time then baibe I would do things differently. That morning all I wanted to do is be in my husbands arms for the last few minutes that I had to spend with him. Wait I got way ahead of this story my husband and I have been having fights about the wedding. I think, since we were not together during planning we are under going what I prefer to think as post marital disagreements (and no I dont even know whether that makes any sense at all). So the last night I had to sleep in my mans arms I.. well I didnt. We had a very long day that day meeting people to say goodbye so not at any given time were we alone to talk our shit over. We gave everyone a smile, trying to cover the what we were both feeling at that moment. Me and my husband we are good at hiding things from people. With every glance I could get I could see the pain in his eyes as if he pained on my

behalf. If the guys around us would have taken the opportunity given to them to gaze beyond our faces and our never ending smiles, they may have not understood but they would have seen the pain in our eyes. By the time we got home he must have been tired to his bones, cause he did not last another ten minutes. I stayed up staring at his face, listening to him snoring and I could not help but wonder if he was really going to sleep without making it right with me first. Well he did, as I tried had and deep to figure out if we will ever make it the love of my heart snored. How I wished he would pull me close to his heart and tell me everything will be alright. My whole body craved his touch, believe me the stars be my witness I needed to feel the warmth of his breath close to my neck. Now the bed where he laid is possessed with the loneliness that overcame it that last night. Sadly for me this last moments haunt me every night as I try to lay my head down to sleep. Now the sadness can no longer be sustained cause the memory injures the sores that are not well healed. Tuesday 5th, October 2010.

DIARY. Five years ago I met a man. I was at my first job ever after going through a very difficult time in the history of my life. I time that had landed me in a situation where no one took me seriously. A situation that had my father loose his faith in me. Stuff that left everyone including myself wondering whether or not I had chosen the right path. A situation that I prefer to no longer talk about. So where was I???? yeah, so I was busy trying my best to fit into my new place of work, when this man walked into the room and without even giving me a second look went about his business. It was not until it was brought to his attention that he made the effort to introduced himself. `Handsome I thought to myself, but at that moment that was all it was, a thought. To cut a long romantic story short, this man and I began spending plenty of time together, and despite the age difference we seem to be getting along just fine. So as time went by this man and I found ourselves really enjoying each others company. Slowly but not slowly enough we found ourselves seeking comfort in each others presence. One thing led to another and five years ago a day like today he finally found a way to make me his girl. I knew I was not ready for nothing serious, but I felt very comfortable around him I felt like I could trust him. I gave him my heart my love my all and little did I know, that this was the man I was going to marry. So I really do not have any regrets and I thank God for that. That was the last

time I had to play trial and error my heart. Five years ago I was not sure that I would no longer get hurt, until I met my husband. When I did I thought that I would suffer no more but that was not the case, because when he said goodbye and left five months later my heart broke only this time never to heel ever. Five years later am married to the same man but I am not sure I can use the word happy before it. Leaves me wondering is there really anything like happily ever after? Lets see how it ends. On the 5th of the year 2005 he asked me out, 5 months later he packed up his bags and left, only to come back home 5 years later to marry me. Is 5 my lucky number or is it my bad luck number?? So now today was very tricky I did not know if it made sense for us to keep on celebrating this day as our anniversary. I was still confused about it when he called me to ask why I never wished him a happy one. Goodnight long day tired like hell. Monday 11th,October 2010. This weekend has been crazy far too crazy for me. First on Saturday I got really really high I dont know what the hell I took but boy I would not like a repeat of that. So on Saturday I heard to go for a wedding, it made me wish I could get married again. Unfortunately we only get married once of course unless I get divorced which I dont dream of ever happening to me. Believe it or not my greatest fear is to loose my husband, to another woman or to death. The thought of it scares me, sometimes I think about loosing the love of my life, I feel my blood begins to rush causing my heart to race, my eyes fill up with tears that burn up my face. Tears that flow with no control. Tears that flow faster than a running tap. The trauma of loosing someone you love can leave with you forever, I know mine has. Since I lost my mother things have never been the same, I dont think they will ever be. My husband, he is the love of my life, my man, he is the breath in my lungs, he is the beat in my heart. I heard some one once say that you cant have an open heart until its broken. Sadly a broken heart is never a womans wish. It would break my heart to loose him, it will be like leaving in hell. Love is staying past the good time, and he and I have been through good an bad times and every experience leaves us stronger than before. I love him I do. Tuesday 12th, October 2010.

Hey diary, Yesterday I got carried away with my stories so today lets go back to me telling you about how my weekend was. So yeah after the wedding I hooked up with a couple of friends for a few drinks. After catching up and having good laugh a few of us went out dancing to one of my most favourite places. So there we were having a time of our lives, enjoying ourselves to the extreme, having beer after beer. For some reason we did not think that we had had one two many tequilas but apparently we had so one can only imagine the events that followed, I mean the after math. So bad as it was it reminded me of the morning after the big day. I got to go now later. Thursday 14th,October 2010. Good morning, There are times my crazy keep interfering with my peace. Mostly when have just retired my mind for the day thats usually the time I love to sit and write. I am not complaining though I love the distraction am just trying to explain why I finished a story so abruptly. Wednesday 17th,November 2010. So yesterday I buried a friend of mine, sad. The insecurity that surround us on earth. She died so young and it keeps me wondering what the future has in store for me. I mean does any of us know how long we will be here? If we did we would probably have a better idea on how to plan our future. We would know how long to plan for. So as a wife everyone expects me to bare children, as if its actually compulsory. Why is it never a choice we are left to make at our own convenience. My fear is not all the scary stories I have heard about giving birth. Its my fear not to be able to always protect them for what the future might have in store for them. What happens to them, when they need me and am not around to tend to them? Who will give them a shoulder to lean on, when every one tells them that I am watching them from above? I mean is there even such a thing? Who knows for sure? When people die we burry them in places we can never see them again. We put them six feet below the ground and fill the void with sand, not knowing that the sand does not fill the void in or hearts. In fact it feels like it digs it deeper. Who will guide them when the world turns its back on them? When we loose our loved ones the people that surround us keep saying that the dead are still with us in spirit, well it

really doesnt feel that way. It makes me so angry to hear them say it will be fine, but who told them that? Personally I have been morning for more than seven years now and its still not ok, its just not fine. A mother should be able to protect her young ones, how then does a mother protect her children from loosing a friend, a loved one, above all a parent, how do you do it? Is there a manual to deal with such things? I have so many things that criss-cross my mind I feel like I am about to explode. Thursday 18th,November 2010. So how long do you mourn for a dear one? Is there a time period for grieving? I believe grieve comes in its own time for everyone, and in its own way. Before it does as humans we put on a brave face coz we do not want to show weakness. As husbands they pretend its fine cause they can not afford to break down, why, cause the wives need them. As mothers they tend to keep it together as they can not afford to break down in front of the kids. The very worst part though is you can not control grief it will come eventually. We have to let ourselves feel it when it comes but usually we struggle to let it go, even when we cant. Then there comes that time when you think that your past it, it starts all over again. Usually it takes your breath away, and we all struggle to grasp it back. Although grieve looks different in everyone we all go through the stages of grief. We deny that its happening just before we become very angry about it. We bargain that things should go back as they were promising to do things differently this time round. We then fall into depression until we learn to leave with it and accept. Everyone undergoes these stages the doctors know it psychiatrists know it even we know it, what everyone doesnt know is when does it come and how long exactly does it last.

Sunday 21st,November 2010. Today I came home at five in the morning. It was totally worth it though. So yesterday I got the opportunity to attend the very first ELLEPTICS AWARDS GALA by the ministry of rugby. It was amazing, who knew it would turn out that way. We had so much fun we drank an danced the whole night, at least for some of us. So jay gave me a lift and at one point for us we had to move closer to home so we ha about two more at the local before heading home that dinner was really deadly.

Before the dinner however I watched my team the mighty Impala loose to the Queens and I was really annoyed. On Friday was a funny day, bad day for Connie, I have never seen her so torn. It broke my heart to know how much she was hurting and there was nothing I could do about it. It amazingly saddening how much men that we love can put us through. How I wish that we women could protect our very fragile hearts from these very ruthless men. If we could predict the future it would be easier to make decision on who to love and who not to. Its heartbreaking how much these men put us through. They turn even the strongest of us ladies to be weaker than you would imagine. How long though does one have to shed tears for the one that she loves before finally giving up on them. When we get married many people tell us that we women are the heart of the family, that we are the key of keeping our families together, that we are the ones to persevere and understand our men. What they dont tell us is how long do you heart before giving up? Is it fair to live miserably in the name of keeping the family together? Dont we also deserve to be happy? They say your man should be your partner, your soul mate, so when is time to get a new one? So on Friday Connie came to me in tears cause of the things that have been going on in her love life lately. She is one of the strongest women I have ever known. To see how much love can reap her apart makes me wonder just how much damage it does to those like me who give up so easily? How could it be that what you need the most can leave you feeling just like a ghost? Still we love them with every fibrous in our beings. Amazing. Wednesday 24th,November 2010. Lovers, sometimes they can be like bank robbers or worse. They take their time to know you. How you operate, how to handle the ones closer to you, at times they even have a plan B for when things go wrong. Like conmen they convince you without leaving doubt that they are in your life to do more good than harm. The problem is because they know exactly what they want from you they come fully prepared and adequately armed. Once they are inside they make that move that catches you completely off guard. Usually its always a bit too late to do anything, and even when you hit the alarm button, the damage is already done. We all avoid humiliation, but times like these are the times we find ourselves falling face down. In the world full of people its hard to take courage, especially when you have lost sight of it all. Lovers just like

thieves they take your time and all your love leaving you with nothing, not even for yourself. They promise not to harm you if you cooperate. Once they get what they want from you. The moment you give them your hurt they trash it so badly you can feel your heart swell up inside you. Finally the pressure becomes too much and the pain unbearable. If your lucky you end up with a wound, a scare that you could cover up with a bandage. Some wounds though, are much deeper than they appear. Some scares are too ugly and too big to hide. Some, are much more difficult to leave with even when we can hide them under our clothings. All in all there has to be a way to reduce the pressure, before it becomes too much to bear. Most of the time those who are left hurt are not very sure of the release point. Tuesday 30th,December 2010. All about the holiday spirit. Saturday 4th,December 2010. Get a story 4this day Wednesday 8th,December 2010. At times its very difficult to understand the ones we love. How then do we free ourselves from the hurting and pain? Especially when he is the one to blame. My best friend is hurting, am hurting too. Is it possible for someone to love you so much today and break your heart so badly tomorrow? You love someone so much, you feel safe with them. You trust them all the way with your heart, that you forget to protect yourself. Then suddenly he who is meant to protect you betrays you so deep it kills you. Is it totally possible for someone to proclaim his love for you today and declare his despise the very next day? Is it fair for a man to make love to you and awaken all the senses and eroticizing every part of you body? For him to express tenderness in his touch, that is deeper than earthly pleasures. Is it okay for him to explore you with the greatest care? To take your body and mind into the realms of sensual pleasure, awakening and delighting all your senses. Is he allowed to let your imagination run wild, creating your own haven of sensuality building up intimacy. Is it fine that he fights to earn your trust an in a split of a second he acquires a false shame? When your betrayed the path to recovery is less clear. When the heart is broken its not like breaking a bone. When you cry so much and you feel

like your head is about to explode, its not like bursting an organ. Flesh tears but we can stitch up the flesh, repair the damage and ease the pain. When life breaks down, when we break down, where does the science come in? Time is suppose to be a healer so when we save time pain can be managed, but sometimes pain comes when you least expect it. If your lucky you end up with a wound a bandage would cover. When you have your heart broken and trust betrayed, that wound is usually deeper than it appears. Everyone gets to see the smile in your face without capturing the sadness in your eyes. Only a few get to understand the misery and sorrows that you hold Saturday 11th,December 2010. After along week am forgetting and focusing on what next. Its actually much easier to say it than do it. We keep clinging on to the past, we avoid to see what we really are looking at. Its all about the human eye, it must have a blind spot in its field of vision. We choose to see what we want in people, in life, in the world, but we tend to be blind to that that we do not want to happen. I saw my sister yesterday after quite some time. So it was yet another outing trying to cheer me up. That was after Thursday night tequila with my best friend and sharing emotions. So Friday was karaoke for some fun trying to cover up the broken hurts. We believe that for as long as your breathing and your heart is beating you can start all over again, so we try to cure ourselves in the best ways we know how. When your lonely we get friends to be around us, we elevate our desires with small acts of kindness. Sadly not always will it work for all of us. There those who can not begin to heal cause they realize there is more pain to come. Regardless of what we know we all search for happiness, mine seem to be miles away. Being around people is a way of distracting the mind. So yeah I had fun unfortunately its only another fun memory made. Mostly we wish it would erase or replace the bad memories. Got to go now bye. Monday 13th,December 2010. So my trip was crazy I have not had fun like that in awhile. The road trip I had missed that. So the drive down picked up after everyone was on board and we passed by to grab something to eat and a few drinks for the

road. We sang and gave stories all the way it was a good laugh and everyone was getting along very. Due to the rush on Saturday I did not get to invite my best friend and she was not very happy about it. I did think about her and I missed her company, she doesnt know that though. It was difficult for us to get a place to sleep, most places were fully booked cause it was a long weekend. Our trip was a last minute thing so no pressure was cause by that. The club was interesting we ha to much fun. Yesterday though we had to rush back for the farewell and we got really late but we got there alright. The farewell was amazing and me I was just too tired so it did not end up very well. It wasnt one of those events I would regret though I loved it. Today its his birthday and I miss him. Then it hits me that I married a man I have never celebrated a birthday with at least not his. Since we started dating he has tried his best to make it to one or two birthdays of mine but his never. How can a wife not even know of how her husband celebrates his birthday. I have never had a chance to see his face, look into his eyes and wish him a happy birthday. It hurts me to know that am married to a man I have never had a chance to make his birthday special. Actually five years ago on his birthday he was working, I remember so well cause it the only birthday memory we have of him. I went out and bought him cake am not the kind of girl to buy men gifts but I had a very strong feeling that day that I needed to. So I took it to his house and left the cake there for him. That is the most I have ever done for him he thanked me for it the next day, I still didnt get a taste of it. I want a chance to celebrate his birthday with him. Friday 17th,December 2010. Today one of my friends is supposed to be leaving. It has only been six months but I grew very found of her. From the moment I met her we had a connection and with time she came to occupy a very big part of my life. Sadly most of the people in my life dont tend to stay for too long. So here I am again waiting to go to the airport and it saddens me cause as we all know the airport is not one of my favourite places. I hate saying goodbye. People say that it should never be goodbye but see you later, what if we dont want it to be later, what if we only want it now? I could not help but think of that morning when I said goodbye to my love. It pained me so much the tears burnt along my cheeks. I did not think I would feel that way but I feel the pain of having to say goodbye when I dont want to. This isnt the kind of pain that can be treated in a hospital. It is very hard to say goodbye when there was a time there was

so much fun involved and dreams coming true. With time things change and the joys disappear. For those who suffer they do what they can to heal themselves cause the memories remain so clear. Thinking about it, I never thought we had spent so much time until I could not imagine her absence. I guess you never notice that things have changed, but you wake up one morning and you dont recognise what has become of your life. So I will fight my tears, gather my courage and say goodbye to you my dear friend it has been a blessing to have known you. This is exhausting. Monday 20th,December 2010. Friends, they all come with different agendas. Some friend will love you and be by your side no matter what? Others they only befriend you to snoop around your life and judge you. The problem is how do you know how to choose friends. I mean is there a distinct line between a true friend and a fake one really. Where do we draw the line? How do we determine the boundaries? Boundaries though tend to not keep people out but cave you in instead. We all just try to fit in, to have a taste of what we think people have. Cause many of us do not find it important that its happy ever after, we all just care that its happy now. So all we all want is a taste, sadly many times a taste is not enough. So yesterday I talked to someone about regrets and the mistakes. We all have them and sadly we can never turn back time to make things right again. It is easier to take risks because once they turn to regrets its too late for us. Not all risks taken though end up very well, some risks turn out to be big mistakes. When mistakes happen we try our best to protect the ones we love and care for. Simply because its never our intention to hurt and disappoint them. So we try the best we can but the world is full of unexpected turns and twists we never know what will happen. Just as you think youve got the lay of the land, the ground underneath you shifts and knocks you off your feet. We break apart but we hold on thinking there is hope when really there is none. Its like telling a dying patient that there is hope for life when every one knows there is no hope at all. So we end up hurting inside so badly that we try to out ran the pain we caused to the ones we love, when all we should be doing is fighting it. After a long disappointing weekend my husbands voice made my day all better. I know I love him because every time I see his name as an incoming caller alert my heart skips a beat. I would not trade him for anything his my boo, my pride and joy, he is the love of my life. Friday 24th,December 2010

It yet another Christmas I get to spend surrounded by people I love. For the man I love its the opposite, cause he isnt here. So today I will be with my Tuesday 28th,December 2010 All about hopes and dreams for the new year. Friday 31st,December 2010 Today is the last day of this year. While most of the people I know are with family or the people they love. I highly doubt that statement, this time of year people just want to be around friends or simple where the beer is. Me am in bed wondering if my man would remember to kiss me at midnight. Sadly for the lonely ones can never ever get to tell, cause they have never had the chance to experience it. You should get to kiss someone at midnight but if you have never had the chance to then how sure are you then that it ever happens at all. Festive seasons are usually filled with smiles and lots of laughters. As the new year approaches you see face filled with hope. As if there is finally a way forward, like they would remember the past no more. The question is does the new year really come with new things or do we cling on to it wishing things would be different hoping that this time round we will do things differently? Do we hope for change cause it is coming for real or cause we want something to look forward to? Sunday 2nd,January 2011 Family!! They all come through for you when they need to, atleast they try. So new year with the family was great. It was nice to see every one of them again. The laughter you share with family can not be replaced. You share stories and memories both of good and bad times. So that is what I was up to for the new year. I shared a meal with my family, sipped wine and had a good laugh. Moments like these are the moments you never want to come to an end. They are the times we wish that could last forever. We always believe that our families will never hurt us, so around them we feel safe, secured. We let our shields down cause we know that family will protect us. We share our all with smiles on our faces. We hide our

pain for the sake of keeping them away from it. We overcome our fear, just for a moment with faith of creating yet another interesting memory. We hold our tears back with hope of not seeing theirs. We put smiles on our faces, and we forget that at times, the masks we choose to hide under, suffocates us. We keep up with this but only for a period of time. The broken hearts will eventually need to be attended to. By the time we hug our families goodbye the masks are usually very tight. So we turn our backs an return to our normal lives hoping that this day could have never come to an end. This is the time our masks suffocate us faster than before then all the pain and the loneliness flash backs in our minds like a bad dream. Eventually the pain goes away and the shock wears off. Not really, we just remember how to live with it again.

Thursday 6th,January 2011 On Tuesday we laid to rest our 84 year old grand dad that was a life well lived. Rest In Peace babu. So we discover that things have changed, life isnt as easy as it was long time ago. I fear for my marriage thats because I do not ever want to end up in a divorce like most marriages today. Long ago people stayed in their marriages. We see this from our grand parents, from our parents. So what is it that has changed in marriages today why do most of them dont seem to last? I wonder is it planned when they get married that it should not last. When I was planning my wedding from time to time it crossed my mind that I may not make it. I did not feel like I was strong enough for it. The only thing I was sure of is my love for the man I was about to marry. Even that was not enough to keep me together. When the day finally came the biggest day of my life I knew I wanted it to last forever. When finally I was in his arms, in his care he made all the pain go away, I love him for that. I want my marriage to last forever, I want to be the only woman for him. To be the only woman who understands him. I want to be the only one who can make him cry and put a smile in his face when his sad. Is it possible to be the only one who can relax him when he is tired and worn out. I want us to enjoy being together even when we are both to tired to do anything. I want to grow old with my husband just as babu grew old with granny.

Monday 10th,January 2011 Lately I have been feeling very low. Sadly people around you never see beyond the smiley faces. As for me I can tell disappointment in my mans voice. The hardest part in a long distance relationship I think is communication. When someone is far from you its hard to tell when the one you love is sad, crying, angry or disappointed. All you do over the phone is try to imagine what kind of emotion that particular conversation might be putting them through. Even when you get the idea you can never be very sure and all you have to do is ask. But what happens when they hide the true feeling through the sound of their laughter. Im ok my love, there is nothing wrong, I am fine. How then do you know the level of truth behind these words. If I can not look into his eyes how then can I get to see beyond the smile in his face. So you take a deep breath and pretend its fine with you too. We all want to believe that we do it for them. Could it be its just cause we do not want to face the fact that the ones we love are hurting? By not asking, are we respecting their non desire to talk about it or are we simply just shielding ourselves from the truth? Eventually you begin to look answers in every way you know how. Sometimes the answers catch us by surprise. Which will be followed by deep regret. How could I not know that he is hurting so badly. How could I have not been there for him when he needed me so badly. Am I failing as a wife? Did he make a mistake? Do I have my priorities mixed up? At times when we find the answers we are looking for, we are still left with a whole lots of questions

Wednesday 12th,January 2011 So today Ella passed by on her way back to South Africa. I was so excited about it yesterday but now that she is here it doesnt feel that much of a good idea. dont get me wrong I love having her around. I love being with her again it reminds me of good old days. But the thought of having to say goodbye all over again.hmmmm. Its supposed to show us that we can still be good friends. The problem with being apart, of which I should know is, you get so used to being apart you sort of forget how to be together. This world can get very cold and the journeys of life can have very many scary turns. We need the people we love with us on this trip cause its the journey that is important not the destination. You may never understand

what loneliness can cause to humans unless you have experienced not being alone but loneliness. It can destroy a person in different ways. To me the emptiness I feel of not having the people I love and care for around or near me echos too loudly. Daily I hope to be happier when he moves back home or once am sure that I have eliminated the competition. As days pass by you wonder what if she replaces me? What if I dont know him any more? Will things be the same ever? The world is a scary place but it is more terrifying if we have to face it alone. Monday 17th,January 2011. Another weekend is over. Weekends are times we as humans pretend that our lives are perfect. When we are surrounded by many people, some of who we meet up with cause they love and care about us. Those people genuinely want to know how we have been, how we are holding up. A better percentage of the people we spend our weekends with careless about whats happening in our lives. Still we find it in us to find time to hook up with these people. We enjoy the fake laughter that we share, and the very many reasons we come up with to share a drink or two. Mostly we enjoy the gossip that gives us little satisfaction that someone else out there is more miserable than we are. As women we love to gossip especially when most of the gossip favours us. Then once in a while someone will always come with their perfect lives and they will not hesitate to rub it in you face. They are your girls so sit there put a smile on your face and pretend to be happy for them. Truth is we envy those who portray to have perfect lives. As we sit there we wish that we were happy, we take our minds back to when things were good. We forget that remembrance of things past is not necessarily remembering things as they are. Things change though but because we want things to always be the same, we pretend that they havent. It is the way we try so hard not to change that is unnatural. We try so hard that it becomes very visible to the ones who know us. Because we hide it, the ones who love us pretend not to notice the change, as if to protect us from shame. Thursday 20th,January 2011. kisses Tuesday 25th,January 2011.

After the weekend life goes back to normal. Grown ups go back to that annoying boss, to that work they hate doing but have to in order to make a living. Boys go back to that bully that make them soil their pants. Girls go back to those girls that do not like them and make fun of them from time to time. We all hate it when the weekend is over. Cause then we are reminded what our lives really are like. We all dominate our weekends, because one weekends we choose who we want to be around. We all create our fairy tales over the weekend, suddenly its over and reality checks in. Some weekend takes my mind off so much, its always as if some one is helping me with that baggage. I enjoy those weekends even if for just a while. Those weekends am surrounded by so many peeps I forget how lonely my home is. There is so much noise all over that I can no longer hear the silence that overwhelms my home. There is so much laughter that it over shadows the crying that is done beneath my covers. Am filled with so much courage I no longer understand the fear I face. Those are the weekends I look forward to. Moments to keep you going for yet another week. Laughter to keep you smiling even when you want to cry. Noise that whispers in your head when the silence becomes too much. Energy that will keep you on your feet when you feel weak. Those are the weekends I look forward to. When we get that chance, for a moment we forget how much we hate going to work. We forget how much we would want to quit school. For a moment we forget how miserable we are, cause we are no longer focused on the loneliness. Monday 31st,January 2011. At times we refuse to think ahead, we opt to think backwards, and that is just remembering. You remember how good things used to be. We regret the things we were unable to do. We blush at the mistakes we should have not allowed to happen. We think of the people we let walk all over us. We miss the ones who had impact in our lives but seem to no longer be there. We smile at the laughter we at one point had. At the right moments we shed a tear or two in memory of the cries we cried. When you think of life, how and why things went down like they did. It is the change that we normally handle differently. The experience of our past is up to us, it can feel like death or like a second chance. The lonely wife however, wastes plenty of time clinging to old memories instead of making new ones. When we miss the ones we love the brain undergoes so much trauma it locks up. At times you feel lost without them. You miss them so much,

especially when we come across things or activities that remind us of them. Women, we get lonely cause we feel weak. We wish for someone to hold us and tell us its ok. We feel lost, and the darkness inside us makes us feel very small. I miss you Friday 4th,February 2011. Friends, they come and go. We meet new people every now and then. Some we like and we want to keep, some we can not wait to get away from them. Some friends we create a strong bond with them, that even when the time comes we find it hard to let them go. No matter what they do we love them so much we hang on to them. Instead of seeing things as they are, we cling to things as we wish they were. So how do we know who and who not to treasure as a friend. Friends can make your life quite dramatic. Some in a good way some in the worst way possible. Is it therefore better if they are your friendly enemy, or your very worst friend. Making new friends is easy, keeping the ones you have is a big challenge however. What do we do when we feel we are loosing our friends? It is a difficult experience to be replaced. Me I just do not know how to deal with it. We love feeling wanted in life, its good to know that someone needs you. There comes that time when our friends make their own new friends and we begin to feel unappreciated. They no longer have time for you, she gets new hobbies around new people. Then you feel like you have to work harder to stay on the same page. The saddest part is when they start doing that thing that they could only do with you with their new friends. That is when you realise that your but a spectator looking in on them from the out side. Frustrating it can be its even worse when the new friends do not want to let you in. Do you give up and let them be or do you struggle to keep up. You end up lonely and the people you thought were there seem to be there no more. When life gets chaotic, we need to figure out when and how to get out of the way. Can we? Tuesday 8th,February 2011. The time comes when we all think about what we are afraid of. We think about it from all angles. When we are in love, the fears are much more than when we are alone. We hide bad things from our loved ones cause we fear they may never forgive us. You reach out to them and hug them, giving the impression that we are protecting them while we are only

protecting ourselves. As we embrace them we take a deep breath fearing what if they find out the truth. Me every time I get lonely my fear is will there come a time that he will no longer be there. I watch a movie and I fear will he ever send me away. I turn off the lights at night and fear will he ever be here. The fear downs on you, and you feel as if the sun is laying over you like a million men. Thats when the nights seem longer than usual. You fear so much you begin to shiver under the same blankets that sweat your body. You wish to be stronger cause you tell your self that youre the only one for him. Then you remember that couple from that movie you were watching earlier and think I never thought they would end up like that. Could it be me, could it be us, could he ever see me differently? Then it starts all over again, the fear Nothing prepares you for that kind of terror, the fear, and there is no book on how to deal with it.