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A circular was found in one of the office notice boards]

Dear Staff,

Please be advised that these are NEW rules and regulations


implemented to raise the efficiency of our firm.

TRANSPORTATION:

It is advised that you come to work driving a car according to


your salary.

a) If we see you driving a "Honda", we assume you are doing


well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

b) If you drive a 10 year old car or taking public


transportation, we assume you must have lots of savings
therefore you do not need a raise.

c) If you drive a Pickup, you are right where you need to be


and therefore you do not need a raise.

"ANNUAL LEAVE".

Each employee will receive "52 Annual Leave" days a year.

(Wow! said 1 employee).

They are called "SUNDAYs".

LUNCH BREAK:

a) Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to


eat more so that they can look healthy.

b) Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a


balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

c) Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all


the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor Medical Certificate as proof


of sickness.

"If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work."

TOILET USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets.

a) There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles.

b) At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet


paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be
taken.

c) After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the


company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders"
category.

d) Subsequent pictures will be sold at public auctions to raise


money to pay your salary.

SURGERY:

As long as you are an employee here, you need all your


organs.

- You should not consider removing anything. We hired you


intact.

- To have something removed constitutes a breach of


employment.

INTERNET USAGE:

All personal Internet usage will be recorded and charges will


be deducted from your bonus (if any) and if we decide not to
give you any, charges will be deducted from your salary.
"Important Note":

Charges applicable as Rs.20 per minute as we have 4MB


connection.

Just for information, "72% of staff "will not be entitled to any


salary for next 3 months as their Internet charges have
exceeded their 3 months salary.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to


provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,


frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere.

Best regards,

HRD