It's All About Respect

Its All about Respect
The role of respect in social transactions

Justin Crakanthorp
It's all about Respect v5e Page 1 of 111
Reviews
Bravo! I enjoyed your book and feel that you have achieved your stated objectives and it is, in effect, 'an opinion piece with some academic bits'. Informative and forthright spring to mind. The examples used are great and the graphics are very powerful and serve the thesis well. Gen X'ers would be interested (thoughtful ones), mature adults and students who are interested in societal issues. Claire Harkin DipEdit(Pub); GradDip(LibInfScience); Dip(SchCouns); BA
I am enormously impressed! Wow! Love the modelling!! Garth Christopher Wooler, Juris Doctor,
MBA(Distn) MTM, BBus(Comm), GCHE
I think this is really very interesting - I would like to think with appropriate working through it might hit the market. It definitely is a serious piece of work! Dr Fiona Darroch, PhD(Phil)(UTas), BIT (USQ),
PDBR (USQ)
I encourage you to seek a publisher - the concept of respect/being taken seriously certainly warrants a book of its own. Best wishes. Hugh Mackay (What Makes us Tick) It was a great read, worthy of publishing. I felt honoured and privileged to be able to read it. Thank you for that opportunity. Shane Reiche, Warrant Officer Class 1 (Retd), Australian Army
It's all about Respect v5e
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Self-published in Brisbane, Australia, 2012, by the author, Justin Crakanthorp, BSc, Grad Cert (Project Mgmt) Grad Cert (Business) All Rights reserved. This book is published on condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the publishers prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent publisher. This book may not be electronically copied, reproduced, disseminated, or published to public web sites without the permission of the publisher. All models, diagrams, and tables published in this work are the original work of this author (unless explicitly referenced) for whom all rights to them are fully reserved. Copyright Justin Crakanthorp, Brisbane, Australia, 2012
Front cover image reproduced with permission from http://arro-signs.co.uk
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Contents
Foreword ................................................................................................................................. 8 Introduction.............................................................................................................................. 9 2.1 Abstract ....................................................................................................................... 9 2.2 Objective...................................................................................................................... 9 2.3 Methodology .............................................................................................................. 10 2.3.1 Research Paradigm.............................................................................................. 10 2.3.2 Definitions............................................................................................................. 11 2.3.3 Notes on definitions .............................................................................................. 12 3 Hypothesis............................................................................................................................. 13 3.1 Proposition................................................................................................................. 13 3.2 Model ......................................................................................................................... 13 3.3 Transaction Types ..................................................................................................... 20 3.3.1 Positive / Positive (above the line) transactions: Mutual Respect........................ 20 3.3.2 Positive / Negative (crossing the line) transactions: No Deal. ............................. 20 3.3.3 Negative / Positive (crossing the line) transactions: Forced Payment ................. 20 3.3.4 Negative / Negative (below the line) transactions: Mutual Disrespect ................. 21 3.4 Transactor Types ....................................................................................................... 22 3.4.1 The Altruist............................................................................................................ 22 3.4.2 The Peacock......................................................................................................... 22 3.4.3 The Arrogant Bully................................................................................................ 23 3.4.4 The Sycophant ..................................................................................................... 23 3.4.5 The Depressive .................................................................................................... 24 3.4.6 The Tragic / Aggressive........................................................................................ 24 3.4.7 The Groupie or Worshipper.................................................................................. 24 3.4.8 The Snob or Poser ............................................................................................... 25 3.4.9 The Rebel ............................................................................................................. 26 3.4.10 The Conformist..................................................................................................... 27 3.4.11 The Con Man........................................................................................................ 28 3.4.12 The Idol / The Pedestal ........................................................................................ 29 3.5 Supporting Thought, Concepts and Models .............................................................. 30 3.5.1 Philosophy ............................................................................................................ 30 3.5.1.1 Epicurus .......................................................................................................... 30 3.5.1.2 Cicero .............................................................................................................. 30 3.5.1.3 Kant ................................................................................................................. 30 3.5.1.4 Rousseau ........................................................................................................ 31 3.5.1.5 Dewey ............................................................................................................. 31 3.5.2 Psychology ........................................................................................................... 31 3.5.2.1 Freud ............................................................................................................... 31 3.5.2.2 Maslow ............................................................................................................ 31 3.5.2.3 Dr Eric Berne, M.D. ......................................................................................... 32 3.5.2.4 Dr Thomas A. Harris M.D. ............................................................................... 34 3.5.3 Social Psychology ................................................................................................ 35 3.5.3.1 How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie............................ 35 3.5.3.2 The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Stephen Covey ............................. 38 3.5.3.3 Emotional Intelligence Daniel Goleman ....................................................... 39 3.5.3.4 Respect Richard Sennett ............................................................................. 39 3.5.3.5 What Makes us Tick The Ten Desires that Drive Us Hugh Mackay.......... 40 3.6 New Knowledge......................................................................................................... 42 4 Observations and Analysis .................................................................................................... 43 4.1 Empirical observations .............................................................................................. 43 4.1.1 How respect is used like currency........................................................................ 43 4.1.2 How the need for respect drives nearly everything we do ................................... 44 4.2 Nature or Nurture?..................................................................................................... 47 4.3 Life Stages ................................................................................................................. 48 4.3.1 Infancy .................................................................................................................. 48 4.3.2 Childhood ............................................................................................................. 48 4.3.3 Adolescence ......................................................................................................... 49 1 2
Young Adult .......................................................................................................... 49 4.3.4 4.3.5 Adult ..................................................................................................................... 50 4.3.6 Seniors / Elders .................................................................................................... 50 4.3.7 Death .................................................................................................................... 50 4.4 Relationships ............................................................................................................. 52 4.4.1 Family ................................................................................................................... 52 4.4.2 Friendship............................................................................................................. 53 4.4.3 Marriage ............................................................................................................... 53 4.4.4 Professional relationships .................................................................................... 57 4.5 Environmental Contexts ............................................................................................ 58 4.5.1 At School .............................................................................................................. 58 4.5.2 Sport ..................................................................................................................... 60 4.5.3 In Business ........................................................................................................... 62 4.5.4 In the workplace ................................................................................................... 63 4.5.4.1 The Boss ......................................................................................................... 63 4.5.4.2 The Rival ......................................................................................................... 63 4.5.4.3 Schadenfreude ................................................................................................ 64 4.5.4.4 The Bully ......................................................................................................... 64 4.5.4.5 The Psychopath .............................................................................................. 64 4.5.4.6 Constructive trading of respect with colleagues.............................................. 64 4.5.4.7 Finding a way to respect colleagues ............................................................... 65 4.5.4.8 Position envy / Status anxiety ......................................................................... 66 4.5.4.9 Generation Y ................................................................................................... 66 4.5.5 At Home................................................................................................................ 67 4.5.6 At Play .................................................................................................................. 68 4.6 Cultural / social factors and situational contexts ....................................................... 71 4.6.1 The Law................................................................................................................ 71 4.6.2 Religion................................................................................................................. 73 4.6.3 Politics .................................................................................................................. 77 4.6.4 Western culture .................................................................................................... 78 4.6.5 Eastern culture ..................................................................................................... 80 4.6.6 Professions........................................................................................................... 81 4.6.7 War ....................................................................................................................... 84 4.6.8 Games .................................................................................................................. 89 4.6.9 Reality TV ............................................................................................................. 90 4.7 Degrees or stages of self-respect ............................................................................. 93 4.7.1 Self-awareness and self-esteem .......................................................................... 93 4.7.2 Ambition................................................................................................................ 94 4.7.3 Success ................................................................................................................ 94 4.7.4 Pride ..................................................................................................................... 94 4.7.5 Vanity / hubris ....................................................................................................... 95 4.8 Degrees or stages of respect for others .................................................................... 96 4.8.1 Flattery.................................................................................................................. 96 4.8.2 Admiration ............................................................................................................ 96 4.8.3 Trust...................................................................................................................... 97 4.8.4 Respect ................................................................................................................ 97 4.8.5 Love...................................................................................................................... 97 4.8.6 Sycophantism, subjugation and servility .............................................................. 98 5 Conclusions - Using it............................................................................................................ 99 5.1 Earning it ................................................................................................................... 99 5.2 Seeking it ................................................................................................................. 100 5.3 Expecting it / demanding it ...................................................................................... 100 5.4 Accepting it .............................................................................................................. 101 5.5 Having it................................................................................................................... 101 5.6 Paying it ................................................................................................................... 101 5.7 Using it..................................................................................................................... 102 5.8 Losing it ................................................................................................................... 103 5.9 Restoring it .............................................................................................................. 104 5.10 Faking it ................................................................................................................... 105 5.11 Finding it .................................................................................................................. 106
Loving it ................................................................................................................... 106 5.12 5.13 Living it .................................................................................................................... 106 6 Appendices.......................................................................................................................... 108 6.1 Acknowledgements ................................................................................................. 108 6.2 Disclaimer and Context ........................................................................................... 109 6.3 Endnotes ................................................................................................................. 110
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Discovery consists of seeing what everybody has seen and thinking what nobody has thought
Albert Von Szent-Gyorgyi, 1962
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1 Foreword
This book is a little unusual with regard to what it is not: 1. Although it contains a thesis, it was not produced as part of a formal course of study, or as a requirement for any formal qualification. Hence the analysis is not as rigorous as may be required for (say) a doctoral thesis. Although it is written as a book, it was not conceived for, or constrained by, a need for commercial profit. Hence it is not shoe-horned to fit a particular market niche or demographic. It simply contains the content the author wanted to address, in the style the author wanted to write it. There is a certain freedom in not having to achieve a pass mark, or sell a certain number of copies. This freedom has allowed me to retain the integrity of the original intent of the book.
2.
So what was my intent? Why did I write it? There are several reasons: 1. Curiosity. It is a fascinating concept that deserves to be carefully analysed and the resulting knowledge exploited. I wanted to see if I could better understand, master and exploit the currency mechanism. Selfish indulgence / simple enjoyment. I enjoy the research and writing process. A desire to improve myself. Writing about something forces you to really learn it and understand it, in a way that reading does not. A sense of social obligation. This is my small contribution to the increasing store of human knowledge. It is such a valuable and practical thing to know, that I want to make it available to my son, my friends and relatives at the very least, and to anyone else who is interested in what motivates our behaviour, and how to improve our social interactions with others. A nagging desire to achieve my potential, to make a difference, and to leave a small legacy. It goes some way to address the occasional feeling that sometimes we think that we are not doing all we could be doing, and being all we could be. The desire for more respect, of course! I want to be an author of something both interesting and genuinely useful, in an enduring and very practical sense.
2. 3. 4.
5.
6.
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2 Introduction
2.1 Abstract
Respect as a currency The proposition investigated in this thesis is that we consciously and unconsciously pay respect to others when initiating, maintaining and concluding social interactions. These payments are not pre-meditated actions, but a learned human reflex.
Individual A
Payment Respect Credits Favours, goods and services
Individual B
Figure 1 A payment of respect In more technical language, respect is reflexively paid (like dues) between people, in order to qualify (accrue credit) for respectful and favourable treatment in subsequent interpersonal transactions. To support this theory, examples and models are used to illustrate and clarify the different contexts and mechanisms of exchange. The conclusion contains suggestions on how to use this knowledge to improve the outcomes of our social interactions.
2.2 Objective
With this thesis I propose an evidence-based theory of social interaction, supported by a model that explains how respect flows like a currency between parties in social transactions. Once we understand why people behave the way they do, its easier to influence their behaviour to achieve win-win outcomes. I believe that most interactions between people can be explained, and potentially improved, by analysing the flow of respect between individuals and among groups. If, when I had studied psychology at university in the late 1980s, there had been a unit on 'The Currency of Respect' then perhaps I would have graduated with a better understanding of social transactions. My understanding of interactions with others may have been based not on debateable notions of Freudian motivations, and curious mechanisms like Pavlovian reactions, but on a more valuable and every-day-verifiable understanding of why people say what they say, and do what they do.
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I hope that this analysis will support a better understanding of how we behave, and how we can alter our behaviour (and thus influence others responses), to improve our relationships, our society, our life outcomes, and ultimately our happiness.
2.3 Methodology
The research I have undertaken is partly academic, but more substantially anecdotal, introspective and analytical, with the driving intent of practical applicability. Academic: Having conceived the concept of respect as a currency, I researched academic or literary supports or variations of the theme. While I was not able to find a dissertation on this exact topic or concept, I found grounding theory in the form of Transactional Analysis as explained in the popular book Games People Play by Eric Berne, M.D. and supporting theories like Maslows hierarchy of needs, and well as supporting texts such as Dale Carnegies classic How to Win Friends and Influence people and Hugh Mackays more contemporary What Makes us Tick. Anecdotal: Having researched the concept or respect as a currency, I started noticing the mechanism in operation. The trading of respect is observable all around us in private transactions, social situations, at work, in sport, in the media, and in the pages of history. Everything I witness or read about seems to verify the veracity and ubiquity of the mechanism. Introspective: Having observed transactions of respect between others, I started also to observe it in my own behaviour examining my motivations for everything I do, and finding that nearly all of my social interactions could be explained in terms of the giving and receiving of respect. Analytical: After becoming convinced of the validity of the concept, I developed a diagrammatic model that could be used to analyse and explain the elementary types and transactions of respect. This model was particularly useful in clarifying and distinguishing between the various types or classes of interaction, as well as between the different types of individuals and societal groups that participate in the transactions. The rigour of a diagrammatic model also proved useful in drawing out the subtle differences in concepts like an individuals self-respect, as opposed to their self-esteem. Often, I found something that seemed to make sense as a valid concept wouldnt translate to a transactional diagram without losing consistency within the model, until the model was revised to be able to support and consistently represent the distinction. Practical: Finally, I round it all up in a series of recommendations on how to put this mechanism to best use to improve our social interactions with others.
2.3.1 Research Paradigm

The paradigm adopted for research of this concept is both interpretivist and pragmatic. Interpretivist: because this topic simply does not lend itself to a positivist (totally objective) approach, where the researcher is completely independent from the topic. An interpretivist approach comes naturally with a subjective and introspective analysis such as this. Pragmatic: because this approach will deliver the most value to the reader. Tashakkori and Teddlies (1998) summationiii of pragmatism as a research paradigm is: Thus pragmatists decide what they want to research, guided by their personal value systems; that is, they study what they think is important to study. They then study the topic in a way that is congruent with their value system They also conduct their studies in anticipation of results that are congruent with their value system'. This statement reflects the approach taken by the author in this study.
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2.3.2 Definitions
There are several terms used within this thesis that are vital to the correct understanding of the arguments presented. I use within this work the following (selected) meanings from the Macquarie iv Australian Dictionary.
consideration
/n 2. regard or account; something taken, or to be taken, into account. 4. a recompense for services rendered, etc.; a compensation. 5. thoughtful or sympathetic regard or respect; thoughtfulness for others. 6. importance or consequence. 7. estimation; esteem.
credit
/n 7. belief; trust 8. favourable estimation.12. confidence in a purchasers ability and intention to pay, displayed by entrusting them with goods, etc., without immediate payment 13. reputation of solvency and probity, entitling a person to be trusted in buying or borrowing. 14. power to buy or borrow on trust. 16. the balance in ones favour on an account.
cred
/n Colloq. credibility; worthiness of acceptance or respect within a particular group; street cred [shortened form of CREDIBILITY]
currency
/n 1. that which is current as a medium of exchange; the money in actual use. 2. the fact or quality of being passed on, as from person to person. 5. circulation, as of coin.
esteem
/v /t 1. to regard as valuable; regard highly or favourably: I esteem him highly. 2. to consider as of a certain value; regard: I esteem it worthless. 3. to set a value on; value: to esteem lightly. n. 4. favourable opinion or judgement; respect or regard: to hold a person or thing in high esteem.
regard
/v.t. 1. To look upon or think of with a particular feeling: to regard a person with favour. 2. to have or show respect or concern for. 3. to think highly of.n 11. respect; deference: due regard to authority. 12. kindly feeling; liking. 13. (pl) sentiments of esteem or affection: give them my regards.
respect
/n 1. esteem or deferential regard felt or shown. 2. the condition of being esteemed or honoured. 3. (plural) deferential, respectful, or friendly compliments, as paid by making a call on a person or otherwise: to pay one's respects. 4. consideration or regard, as to something that might influence a choice. verb (t) 7. to hold in esteem or honour: to respect one's elders. 8. to show esteem, regard, or consideration for: to respect someone's wishes. 9. to treat with consideration; refrain from interfering with: to respect a person's privacy.
respectable
/adj 1. worthy of respect or esteem; estimable; worthy: a respectable citizen. 2. of good social standing, reputation, etc.: a respectable neighbourhood. 3. relating or appropriate to such standing; proper or decent: respectable language. 4. having socially accepted standards of moral behaviour; virtuous: a respectable girl. 5. of presentable appearance; decently clothed. 6. of moderate excellence; fairly good; fair: a respectable performance.
reputation
/n.1. the estimation in which a person or thing is held, especially by the community or the public generally; repute: a man of good reputation. 2. favourable repute; good name: to ruin ones reputation by misconduct. 3. a favourable and publicly recognised name or standing for
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merit, achievement, etc.: to build up a reputation. 4. the estimation or name of being, having, having done, etc., something specified.
self-esteem
/n ones sense of ones own worth.
self-respect
/n proper esteem or regard for the dignity of one's character.
self-worth
/n a self-valuation that recognises the best of ones talents, attributes, etc.
trust
/n 1. reliance on the integrity, justice, etc., or on some quality or attribute of a thing; confidence. 2. confident expectation of something; hope. 3. confidence in the ability or intention of a person to pay at some future time for goods, etc.; credit: to sell goods on trust.
worth
n. 4. excellence of character or quality as commanding esteem: men of worth.
worthy
adj. 1. of adequate merit of character. 2. of commendable excellence or merit; deserving: worthy of praise; worthy to be loved. n. 3. a person of eminent worth or merit or social importance.
2.3.3 Notes on definitions

Self-respect vs. Self-esteem Self-respect is more fully described as an awareness of ones intrinsic dignity. It is a relatively stable and positive personal attribute. It is something you either have, or dont have. (e.g. I have my self-respect). It can not be negative. Self-esteem is a more subjective evaluation of ones worth or capability. It is more variable. It can be positive or negative, and it is highly subject to external influence. It is something you feel, and it is all about confidence. (e.g. I am powerful - I can do it or everyone is better than me Im hopeless!). Self
Selfrespect Payments of respect from others Selfesteem Respect for Party A Respect for Party B Payments of respect to others
A self-
As individuals, we also maintain subjective mental balances of respect for others (as for parties A and B in the diagram above). These balances are also variable being affected by prejudices and impressions, and vary constantly as a result of social transactions.
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3 Hypothesis
3.1 Proposition
The proposition investigated in this thesis is that respect flows (like a currency) between people, in exchange for favours, goods or services. Individual A
Payment Respect credits Favours, goods and services
Individual B
Figure 2 Respect, as a currency of exchange This exchange of respect for goods or services does not always occur consciously. In most cases, it is a social reflex, learned and reinforced through custom and personal experience.
3.2 Model
The model I have developed to illustrate and explain the concept of respect as a currency, is one of balances and transactions (withdrawals and credits). The components of the model are: Parties individuals or groups Balances of self-esteem and respect for others (represented by the coloured blocks) - Height or depth indicates relative size of the balance - Coloured blocks indicate balances: o Bounded blocks indicate (relatively stable) self-esteem o Unbounded blocks indicate (more variable) respect for others o Green indicates positive, and red indicates negative balances o Yellow indicates subjective, disputed or indeterminate balances o Hashed texture indicates changes in balances Transactions (represented by arrows) these are the exchanges between parties, including - simple payments (credits) of respect - requests, including a payment of respect (a balanced transaction) - demands, not including a payment of respect (unbalanced transaction or withdrawal) - provision of goods and services, in response to a request or demand. The example below shows a simple payment of respect from one party to another, strengthening or increasing the self-esteem of party B.
Party A
Respect Selfesteem zero balance
Party B
Increased selfesteem
Figure 3 Payment of respect, increasing self-esteem
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When an individual is disrespected, it challenges, and can erode self-esteem. Disrespect can be delivered both deliberately (a put-down), and unintentionally. An innocent remark without malice may be perceived quite negatively from the receivers differing point of view or value system. This next example shows how disrespect may decrease the self-esteem of party B. Party A
Selfesteem zero balance Disrespect, or perceived disrespect
Party B
Decreased selfesteem
Figure 4 Disrespect, lowering self-esteem The following shows how respect can be used to procure goods and services. It is important to note that Bs respect for A is held with B. It is because B has a positive balance of respect for A that the payment of respect from A is regarded as a payment with some value. As B provides the goods or services, As balance of respect for B is maintained. Party A
Payment of respect A selfesteem zero balance Respect for B Respect for A Bs selfesteem
Party B
Goods or services
Figure 5 An equitable transaction If one seeks a favour without a payment of respect, the respect balance is likely to decrease. Party A
A selfesteem zero balance Demand Respect for B Decreased Goods or services respect for A Bs selfesteem
Party B
Figure 6 Drawing down a balance of external respect
Self-esteem All individuals will, at any one time, have a positive, zero, or negative balance of self-esteem. These balances will vary between individuals, and over time increase and decrease for an individual. Individual A
Positive selfesteem
Individual C
Positive selfesteem
zero balance
Individual B
Negative selfesteem
Figure 7 Balances of self-esteem

Our balance of self-esteem is not something that is determined in isolation. It is a product of social interactions. A child reared in a supportive and stable family and society will naturally develop positive self-esteem as their intellect, knowledge and experience grow. This is a healthy, normal state. They come to realise that they are worth something, objectively. This is represented above by individuals A and C. However children who experience extreme or prolonged neglect or abuse from family or carers and/or with sustained negative pressure from those in their small social circles often do not get the opportunity to form a solid realisation of their own self-worth. Without this solid internal base of self-respect, they may grow up spending much of their lives with fluctuating, low, or even negative self-esteem. In other cases, individuals may grow and develop normally into adulthood, however encounter a difficult set of circumstances or acquaintances that result in a gradual decrease into a negative balance of self-esteem. This is represented above by individual B. Alain de Botton observes in Status Anxiety (2004) that 'The approval of others could be said to matter to us for two reasons; materially, because the neglect of the community can bring with it physical discomfort and danger; and psychologically, because it can prove impossible to retain confidence in ourselves once others have ceased to accord us respect'. De Botton is referring here to payments of external respect from others, which allow an individual to maintain or strengthen their internal balance of self-esteem. This thesis rests on the assumption that self-esteem is the stable base required for effective social transactions. We must first establish a healthy (positive) balance of self-esteem, before we can build our balances of respect with others and begin to transact with respect. External (tradeable) Respect and Reputation Separate to ones internal balance of self-esteem, an individual will also be perceived as having a certain balance of respect by others. This balance may or may not correspond to the level of selfesteem that the individual has. For example, an individual (Party A) with a healthy balance of selfesteem but with a certain gender, appearance, profession or ethnicity may be looked down on (disrespected) by a stranger (B) with pre-conceived notions or worth, or certain prejudices. Party A
Respect for B disrespect or prejudice Respect for A
v
Party B
zero balance
Figure 8 Negative balance of respect with another However, the same Individual (A) may be highly respected by someone (C) whom he or she has met and interacted with, or made a positive impression on:
Respect for A Respect Respect for B
Party A
Party C
zero balance
Figure 9 Positive balance of respect with another An individuals respect balance may also be temporarily perceived as zero, but this is relatively rare, as most observers know something about the target individual, (even if it is just a face, a name, a nationality, or a common acquaintance) and this typically tends to produce a prejudgment (positive or negative) in the observers mind.
At any one time, an individual will (regardless of their self-esteem) be regarded with varying levels of respect by independent other parties. Party B Party A
Respect Bs respect for A
Party C
Disrespect Cs respect for A
Figure 10 Differing balances of respect for the same person It is important to note that an individuals tradeable balance of respect is not directly held and controlled by the individual it is out there with others. It is held and maintained externally and subjectively. It can only be influenced by A, through social interactions. Just as an individuals balance of respect is out there with other parties, so also is the reputation of a person or party. This is so-called street cred credibility out in the street, amongst peer groups. Unlike respect held and maintained by an individual, a reputation is typically held or maintained by a social group, through an informal consensus process. Group B Party A
Respect As good reputation with Group B
Group C
Disrespect As bad reputation with Group C
Figure 11 Differing reputations with different groups A reputation is built over time, through repeated interactions with members of a group, and through discussion and reinforcement within the group. Groups who hold different values, or experience different interactions with a party may come to form different reputations of the same person. For example, during the 2008 US presidential election, the vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin had a positive reputation with most Republicans in America, yet simultaneously a very poor reputation with Democrats and large sections of the media. Importantly, self-esteem is entirely internal, and not able to be traded. Only external respect and external reputation can be traded on, using payments of respect. Similarly, negative balances of respect cannot be traded on. Just as we would feel reluctant to loan further money to an acquaintance that is already in our debt, we do not typically feel disposed to provide any favours to those who we have no respect for, or actually disrespect. Party A
Respect for B Request
Party B
Rejection
Respect for A
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Figure 12 Negative credibility can not be traded on Only positive respect or positive reputation can be traded on. This is done using payments of respect, which contribute to a net balance of respect, held by those we transact with. Net balance of respect There are several aspects, qualities and behaviours that determine the net balance of respect we hold for an individual or entity. This net balance represents the amount of external respect that can be used to trade for goods and services. Let us use an example of a politician. Politician P may hold an office of significant position and power. He or she may also have demonstrated a robust level of self-esteem, good communication skills, and perhaps have completed some significant capital works in the electorate to improve infrastructure, amenities and/or services. However voter V may also be aware of some disrespectable personal qualities displayed by the politician, and may not approve of some of their behaviours. Some qualities are therefore subjectively regarded as respectable by voter V, and as long as these positive qualities (on balance) outweigh the negative disrespectable qualities, the politician can expect to be able to use some of this respect to buy some service (a vote or preference) at election time.
Politician P
Respectable aspects, qualities or behaviours Positional power Increase respect Net respect for P
Voter V
Deeds and actions Competency / skills Self - esteem Disrespectable qualities or behaviours Personal qualities Behaviours
Decrease respect
Figure 13 Respectable and disrespectable qualities, and tradeable respect
Trading of Respect In the above case, the politician must build a large balance of respect in the community (in the form of both positive respect with individual voters, and a generally positive reputation among neighbourhood, demographic and other social groups) in order to buy the significant number of votes needed to win office.
Politician P
Policies, Promises + Payments of respect Ps reputation Votes
Voters
Figure 14 'Buying' votes with respect The politician, besides stating policies and making promises, must also make many payments of positive respect to his or her constituents the voting public. These payments typically take the form of doorknocking, meeting and greeting, kissing babies, visiting hospitals, praising the popular gods, and supporting public and community events.
This model can also be used to illustrate how power corrupts. As a politicians power grows, the individual sometimes becomes intoxicated with the power of the position. They feel that their large balance of power and public reputation is in itself sufficient to command the required respect (and number of votes), and feel less need to perform the respectable deeds and actions that built the credibility and reputation in the first place. They start to believe that their powerful status means that they deserve special favours, payments or indulgences that become available to them through their office. Politician P
Position and power Tradeable respect increasing presumption of respect Vs respect for P Competency / skills decreasing
Voter V
zero balance
Deeds and actions Self - respect Personal qualities Behaviours arrogance vote against P
Figure 15 Power corrupting The predictable result, once power goes to the head of the politician, is a change in their behaviour, which, if apparent to the voters, will result in a decrease in trust, respect and reputation. This is why so many governments rarely last more than two or three terms. Voters perceive that its time for a change when they feel the incumbents have become too comfortable, too powerful, too corrupted - when they are trying to spend respect credits which they have not earned.
Transactions for Goods or Services (respect for favours) Respect can be used to purchase real goods and services. Here we see that individual A, in order to procure some goods or services, pays B with respect, instead of money.
Party A
Payment of respect Bs respect for A
Party B
Goods or services
Figure 16 Paying with respect This is typified by asking (with respect) for a favour e.g. 'Youve done a great job with those roses may I take a cutting?' 'You have great credibility in our industry would you mind speaking at our next event?' It is important to note that the favour pool (credit pool) is not inexhaustible. We know from experience that most of us will happily do a favour or two for a friend, if a mutual respect exists, and as long as the expected thanks are received. However A will be stretching the friendship if repeated favours are requested and received. There is a finite balance of respect that B perceives
can be drawn down. With each transaction paid only with respect, the balance decreases, until B is no longer comfortable extending credit.
(diminishing) payments of respect
Party A
Party B
Goods and services
Bs respect for A
Figure 17 Stretching the friendship The first request has high value, as B is receiving a payment of respect for their generosity and ability to supply on credit, or on a favour. However the second request (and payment of respect) will have limited incremental value to B, and the third even less, as B begins to feel used. Credit can usually be regained by A with the in-kind return of other favours (goods or services of value) to B as thank you payments. Balance is then restored, and favours may again be asked. This mechanism (paying for goods and services with respect) is the core concept of this thesis.
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3.3 Transaction Types

The following transactions types are analysed below: 1. 2. 3. 4. Positive / Positive Positive / Negative Negative / Positive Negative / Negative
This will inform the analysis of transactions between familiar social types, and some situations where mismatches in respect result in dysfunctional or incomplete transactions.
3.3.1 Positive / Positive (above the line) transactions: Mutual Respect

The first and most common transaction type is positive-positive. Those who have strong external respect balances with others will find that they are able to trade without depletion that is, freely issue respect to others, and retain (and often increase) a strong balance of respect. Conveying respect to worthy recipients like community volunteers, war veterans or inspiring leaders is both positive and self-reinforcing. Receiving respect is also positive and healthy, as it counts towards building or maintaining full self-esteem, and typically strengthens the social relationship through the transaction. The level arrows indicate general equality and balance.
Party A
Payment of respect Respect for B Positive reinforcement Respect for A
Party B
Figure 18 Paying respect, and strengthening a relationship
3.3.2 Positive / Negative (crossing the line) transactions: No Deal.

If a persons balance of respect with another is negative then they are effectively operating from a position of debt. Attempted payments of respect to others from a position of low or negative respect are typically unsuccessful there is no return of respect, goods or favours. Party B
Respect for B Attempted payment of respect
Party A
Dismissal / contempt Respect for A
Figure 19 Attempting a payment from a position of disrespect
3.3.3 Negative / Positive (crossing the line) transactions: Forced Payment
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This situation occurs when Party A, with some power over Party B, demands a payment of respect, goods or services from Party B, without providing any payment of respect in consideration. An example would be a bullying boss who never shows respect for (or publicly disrespects) his employees, yet continually demands improved output, productivity or public shows of respect. This negative-positive transaction is indicative of an unstable relationship. The bully (A) will only get away with this behaviour only for as long as Party B is willing to tolerate the behaviour. Any respect, goods or services paid will be the minimum required to avoid further punishment, and when the immediate demand has ceased, or when Party A no longer holds power over Party B, Party B may seek recompense (or revenge) to maintain their self-esteem. Party A
Minimum payment, under duress Bs respect for As social / legal professional power Bs personal respect for A
Party B
Respect for B
Demand for payment
Figure 20 Payment under duress
3.3.4 Negative / Negative (below the line) transactions: Mutual Disrespect

If two individuals both believe that they are superior to the other, a tension arises. This occurs typically in the case of rivals, where each rival tends to focus on and promote their own strengths and own positive qualities, and attempts to highlight their rivals negative traits and qualities. Both try to assume the superior position when conducting social transactions, and try to talk down to each other, effectively crossing swords in the diagram below. Of course, both will sense the slight against them, and react negatively. This rarely ends well. These relationships will fester 1 destructively, until a mediator , or changed circumstances can convince them to interact with some mutual respect. Party A
talking down to each other As respect for B Bs respect for A
Party B
Figure 21 Rivals 'crossing swords'
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3.4 Transactor Types

Perceptions of ones own level of esteem or tradeable respect do not always match those of others. Here we examine different types of people with unusually or unjustifiably high or low balances of self-esteem and/or respect for others. You may recognise some of these archetypes.
3.4.1 The Altruist

Premeditated altruism is a manifestation of mans learned respect for man. He or she who has a positive level of self-esteem (i.e. feels respected (in general) by society), and has come to regard humanity in general as deserving of respect will hold a positive balance of respect for humanity. They will feel inclined to perform selfless acts of kindness for others, not with an expectation of return, but with an unconscious understanding that the provision of assistance can be paid for out of the existing positive balance of respect held for humanity. He or she who observes positive qualities in another will build and hold positive respect for that person, will regard them favourably, and will feel inclined to provide them favours solely on this basis. Altruist
Selfesteem Voluntary provision of service to others As respect for Humanity
Figure 22 Altruistic behaviour Those who hold no respect for others in general are unlikely to perform pre-meditated acts of altruism. Not only is there (by definition) no expectation of payback, but there is no perception of any existing pre-payment of respect credits by society (I dont owe nothin to no-one!) and hence no obligation to volunteer services.
3.4.2 The Peacock

These colourful types have an inflated level of self-esteem. Individuals like this are often referred to as self-absorbed, 'overconfident or deluded, or sometimes in more colourful or derogatory terms like 'tosser' or 'peacock'. These individuals have the annoying habit of assuming that they are the life of the party or object of admiration, and that everything revolves around them. Peacock
Selfesteem Interactions based entirely on own attributes and self-perceptions
Respect for others
Attributes of others ignored
Figure 23 The Peacock These optimistic individuals typically experience Positive/Negative transactions (see above), where they are met with a dismissive attitude by others. This is because for the Peacock, its all
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about me. They are so self-centred that they simply neglect to pay sufficient respect where it is due, and predictably, receive the appropriate response. This disconnect does not often last too long, as the snub or rejection is usually a painful blow to the ego (self-esteem) that knocks the peacock down a peg. The peacocks inflated ego diminishes a little with each rejection, until it reaches a level where he or she treats others with more equality and respect. This then allows the opportunity for a genuine balance of respect to accrue with others.
3.4.3 The Arrogant Bully

We all know this one. Not only full of themselves, the bully commonly displays active disrespect for others. This type has a highly inflated sense of self-esteem, however unlike the relatively harmless peacock, they feel (and show) disrespect to others, often manifesting in abusive and controlling behaviour.
Selfesteem
Respect for others
Disrespect, abuse
Figure 24 The Arrogant Bully These individuals seek Negative/Positive transactions, where they show no respect, or show active disrespect, yet still demand respect, goods and services from perceived subordinates. However they are also comfortable in Negative-Negative transactions, where they often thrive on the excitement of conflict, hoping to turn it into a Negative/Positive transaction (and win!).
3.4.4 The Sycophant

The sycophant is the opposite of the Peacock they have low self-esteem, and an inflated sense of the worth of others. They rate others excessively, and make excessive (pre-meditated) payments of respect, such that the recipients either start to feel uncomfortable, or start to take advantage of the sycophant. You know the feeling.
Respect for others Excessive payments of respect to others
Sychophant
Selfesteem
Figure 25 The Sycophant For the sycophant, validation / acknowledgement / approval of others is all important, no matter what the cost in payments of respect. They seek to gain or look good by reflection, through the power and prestige of others.
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These types seek Positive / Positive transactions, but tend to experience Positive-Nil, or positiveNegative transactions.
3.4.5 The Depressive

This type has low, or negative self-esteem they simply see themselves as inferior. They expect to lose out in social comparisons and transactions, and they tend to self-fulfil their expectations. They make little or no effort in games, competitions and discussions, as they have an expectation of failure. They often pay respect where it is due, but when they receive a payment of respect, they refuse to credit it to their balance of self-esteem. They think they are not worthy. They think that the payment of respect is not genuine, and hence do not credit themselves with it.
Respect paid to others X
Respect for others
Depressive
Selfesteem
Respect received from others but not credited
Figure 26 The Depressive This type often experiences Positive / Positive transactions, but typically interprets them as Positive/Negative. Examples of this type are the passive or humble beggar, or a spouse or child who is mentally and emotionally dominated and regularly put-down (disrespected) by their parent or partner.
3.4.6 The Tragic / Aggressive

This type not only has negative self-esteem, but has little or no respect for others. This is a dangerous combination. Aggressive
Selfesteem Respect for others X Goods or services demanded No respect given, or taken.
Figure 27 The Aggressive This type actively initiates Negative transactions. If the other party also has low-self-esteem, or pities the initiator, a Negative / Positive result may occur, where the aggressor extracts some benefit through intimidation or pity. However if the other party has significant self-esteem and an unwillingness to be used, they will reject or confront the aggressor, resulting in a termination of the transaction, or a Negative / Negative transaction such as an argument or confrontation. Examples of this type are the aggressive beggar, or a drug or gambling addict seeking or extorting money to feed their habit.
3.4.7 The Groupie or Worshipper

Those without sufficient self-esteem often become clingy, needy and demanding in personal relationships. They sometimes channel their need for respect into unreasonable adulation like religious idolatry and celebrity worship, and in the process lose further respect from external observers who have a healthier balance of self-esteem:
Idol
Invisible god, messiah or person of debatable merit or inflated worth Worship
External observer Groupie

Respect for idol Respect Respect for idol
Groupie
Respect for Idol and Groupies
Disrespect
Circle of Conviction
Figure 28 Worshippers inside a Circle of Conviction The assumption by the low-self-respect individual is that by devoting themselves to an adored individual or group, they will bask in the reflected glow of respect. This strategy has limited value. Any respect gained is recognised and tradeable only within the circle of conviction shared by other followers of the celebrity/team/faith, yet seen as worthless or deluded by those outside the circle, who in fact often lose some respect for the individual. An external individual who is not afraid to express their disrespect may let the worshipper know this in no uncertain terms, with a negative comment like 'Why are you praying to a statue, you nutter? Get up off your knees and go and get what you want!'; or 'Why on earth do you buy those trashy magazines? Get a life!' I have introduced in the diagram above a component of our respect model called the 'Circle of Conviction' which clarifies how those within the circle share a common conviction (or delusion) and those without do not. A familiar example of this concept is the phenomenon of the cult. However it must be acknowledged that if the Circle of Conviction represents an entire state or society, or the full extent of the individuals social interactions, then this internal respect will be entirely equivalent (transactionally) to fully tradeable respect. It is only when an impartial or objective observer intrudes on the circle and states an awkward truth (as in the fable of The vi Emperors new Clothes ) that the inhabitants of the circle feel some discomfort. This of course has a de-stabilising effect on the currency of their respect base. Predictably, the incumbent inhabitants will often declare the intruder a heretic or infidel and eliminate, neutralise or ostracise the unbeliever, using their weight of numbers effectively restoring the integrity of their circle of conviction, the value of their own currency, and the stability of their state/society/group.
3.4.8 The Snob or Poser

Quite often, the perception that an individual has of their place in the pecking order is inconsistent with the view others have of his or her respect balance. This is the dynamic occurring when a fashion victim parades around in an ostentatious display, or an art snob effuses loudly over a piece of modern art of debatable value.
Object of debatable value
Poser
Selfesteem Respect for object
Pretention, Praise
Approval and imitation
External observer
Respect for Poser
Sycophant
Disrespect
Respect for object and Poser
Figure 29 Pretentiousness As with groupies and worshippers, posers often enjoy the comfort of a Circle of Conviction, although it is typically smaller and weaker. They do not have the weight of numbers to eject those who debase their currency of respect their primary defence is to shrink the circle and claim the high artistic ground, insisting that outsiders are 'philistines' / ignorant / uneducated / unenlightened. Even if they are outnumbered, the poser can maintain this defence (usually with some discomfort) with a sufficient strength of ego, even without a substantial balance of selfrespect. This is the difference between the poser and the peacock. Peacocks will deflate with the more social snubs they receive, because they know that they are fakes. However Posers/Snobs think that they are the real thing. They can cling to their pretensions for a long time often indefinitely, amidst a sea of scorn.
3.4.9 The Rebel

The rebel is a big step up the scale of respectability. They are sufficiently motivated by the unconventional cause they believe in that they will display personal courage and often extraordinary commitment in pursuit of their ideal. There are several substantial differences between the rebel and the poser: They are a doer and mover, not a flasher or talker. Their self-esteem must be not just healthy, but strong and portrayed with conviction. The cause or object of their aspiration has an objective degree of credibility. Their motivations are not wholly selfish (and are often altruistic). They often consciously risk their reputation, their personal safety or their life, to achieve their goal.
It is for this they command some respect from those outside their Circle of Conviction even if the external observers do not personally agree with the ideal, they value and respect the courage shown by rebels in pursuing it.
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Cause
Commitment
Rebel
Selfesteem Respect for cause Support
Supporter
Respect for Rebel Respect for Rebels Disrespect
Authority
Figure 30 The Rebel The rebel, with their high degree of internal conviction, can hold the 'high political/moral ground for a long time often indefinitely typically enjoying the notoriety involved in being a dissenter or radical thinker. They lose some respect from those in positions of authority, but often enjoy significant support from large sections of the community. Sometimes, historically, if they can gather enough support to challenge the established authority, the rebel may become a revolutionary. Rebels do not seek a circle of conviction to define them or protect their beliefs; however it often happens that one will form around them, when publicly fighting for a certain cause. In fact in the case of a cult, the leader is often a rebel, who (due to the nature of his cause) attracts followers, hence creating a circle of conviction around him or her. The followers may be told that they are within a noble circle of conviction, yet whenever they are accepting revelation or dogma, without rigorously challenging its evidential validity, they are possibly slipping into an ignoble circle of delusion.
3.4.10
The Conformist
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The opposite of the rebel is the conformist (typified by the salaryman in Japanese culture). This individual discovers a Circle of Comfort and chooses to remain within it, enjoying the mutual respect and approval of others within the circle, and unconcerned by the mild disapproval or slight envy of the majority without. Some rebels, posers and snobs will scorn the Circle of Comfort, but while the circle is large and most of their social connections remain within it, the inhabitants enjoy a safe and relatively contented existence. The Circle of Comfort' introduced below is a variant of the Circle of Conviction, where the inhabitants support a set of conventions or practices that are objectively practical, sensible and evidence-based. There is no element of faith or dissention required.
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Convention
Compliance
Poser or Rebel
Selfesteem
Conformist
Selfesteem Respect for authority Approval Respect for authority
Conformist
Selfesteem
Disrespect
Disrespect for conformists
Circle of Comfort
Figure 31 The Conformist
3.4.11
The Con Man.
The term con man is commonly applied to those in our society who we perceive to have deliberately deceived others - defaulted on their promises, in full knowledge that they have traded on false respect for personal temporary financial gain. The con man knows full well that after every sting, his cover will be blown, he will lose all respect from his victims and informed observers, and he must then move on' to a new (uninformed) social circle where his projected balance of respect will once again be burnt off in the next sting.
Con-man
Selfesteem Feigned respect for others Actual respect for others
Deception
Victim
Decreasing self-esteem Disrespect for Con man Circle of Conviction
Informed observer
Figure 32 The Con-man The con man creates a circle of conviction which initially includes only the victim. This will expand as his deception spreads, then contract when his fraud is discovered. Those who become aware of the deception of course lose all respect for the Con man.
3.4.12
The Idol / The Pedestal
You may have heard the expression putting someone up on a pedestal usually in reference to someone who greatly (and unreasonably) admires another person.
Attempted payment of respect Unacknowledged
Pedestal
Party A
As selfesteem Respect for B Respect for A
Party B
Bs selfesteem
Figure 33 The Pedestal This is usually a temporary situation commonly observed when an admirer (A) has just fallen in love' with the object of their desires (B), and thinks B can do no wrong. A attaches undue respect to B and effectively puts B up on a pedestal of assumed respect. However at some point A may realise Bs feet do in fact stink, or that B snores or passes wind, , has a dirty little secret, or a rather unimpressive intelligence quota behind their golden locks and charming manner. This is when they fall from the pedestal in the eyes of A, and either the relationship fades away, or a more normal (and even) relationship becomes possible.
The models These models or types are not comprehensive they do not describe everyone, and they do make some generalisations. The intent of the depictions of these archetypes is to show how the model can be used to illustrate and explain the flow of respect between different types of people in social transactions.
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3.5 Supporting Thought, Concepts and Models

This section examines thoughts and models from the fields of philosophy and psychology that support the concept of respect as a currency in social transactions.
3.5.1 Philosophy
It is instructive to examine some philosophical references to the concept of respect. From the ancient Greeks and Romans, through the romantics to the contemporary, respect has been variously described as a simple pleasure (Epicurus), a basic motivator (Dewey, de Botton), a prize to be acquired and invested (Cicero), the centre of moral theory (Kant), and a relative sentiment defined by society (Rousseau). Although these views differ in their emphasis, it is apparent that the respect of others has always been enormously important on a philosophical, psychological and social level. It is this philosophical importance of respect which makes it so valuable, and historically, whatever has been valuable has always been tradeable. 3.5.1.1 Epicurus Epicurus (341 270 BC) was a Greek philosopher and the founder of the school of philosophy called Epicureanism. For Epicurus, the purpose of philosophy was to attain the happy, tranquil life, characterized by peace and freedom from fear, and the absence of pain, and by living a selfsufficient life surrounded by friends. He taught that pleasure and pain are the measures of what is good and evil. Alain de Botton references Epicurus in terms of respect when discussing human viii motivations in Consolations of Philosophy We may seek a fortune for no greater reason than to secure the respect and attention of people who would otherwise look straight through us. Epicurus, discerning our underlying need, recognised that a handful of true friends could deliver the love and respect that even a fortune may not. This analysis by de Botton asserts that while many of us will strive to buy temporary respect from others by accumulating and showily spending money, a simpler (Epicurean) way is to simply pay genuine respect to others, in order to build friendships that will deliver unconditional love and enduring respect. The point of the analysis is that paying respect is a more efficient (and effective) way to gain the respect we crave than the roundabout way of earning and spending money to buy it. 3.5.1.2 Cicero Cicero (106-43 BC) was a Roman orator, statesman and philosopher. He made the following observations in his treatise On Duties (II, 40) which supports the concept of reputation (respect from a group) as a currency: In some ways winning a reputation is like making money. To take the latter pursuit, we are able to demonstrate the methods not only of acquiring money but also of investing it so as to provide an income which will meet our recurrent expenses and supply the necessities of life. The same applies to a reputation; first you must acquire it, and then you have to invest what you have acquired. And as to the process of acquisition, Socrates was perfectly right when he declared that there is a direct short-cut to winning a reputation: Make yourself the sort of man ix you want people to think you are. For to suppose that any permanent reputation can be won by pretence, or empty display, or hypocritical talk, or by putting on an insincere facial expression, would be a serious misapprehension. A genuine, glorious reputation strikes deep roots and has wide ramifications, but pretences of every kind wither away like wilting blooms; x nothing counterfeit has any staying power. 3.5.1.3 Kant xi Immanuel Kant (1724-1804) is acknowledged by the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy as the first philosopher to put respect for persons at the very centre of moral theory: The ubiquity and significance of respect and self-respect in everyday life largely explains why philosophers, particularly in moral and political philosophy, have been interested in these two
concepts. They turn up in a multiplicity of philosophical contexts, including discussions of justice and equality, injustice and oppression, autonomy and agency, moral and political rights and duties, moral motivation and moral development, cultural diversity and toleration, punishment and political violence. The concepts are also invoked in bioethics, environmental ethics, business ethics, workplace ethics, and a host of other applied ethics contexts. Although a wide variety of things are said to deserve respect, contemporary philosophical interest in respect has overwhelmingly been focused on respect for persons, the idea that all persons should be treated with respect simply because they are persons. Respect for persons is a central concept in many ethical theories; some theories treat it as the very essence of morality and the foundation of all other moral duties and obligations. This focus owes much to the 18th century German philosopher, Immanuel Kant, who argued that all and only persons (that is, rational autonomous agents) and the moral law they autonomously legislate are appropriate objects of the morally most significant attitude of respect. Although honor, esteem, and prudential regard played important roles in moral and political theories before him, Kant was the first major Western philosopher to put respect for persons, including oneself as a person, at the very center of moral theory, and his insistence that persons are ends in themselves with an absolute dignity who must always be respected has become a core ideal of modern humanism and political liberalism. In recent years many people have argued that moral respect ought also to be extended to things other than persons, such as nonhuman living things and the natural environment. This analysis by Kant emphasises the centrality of respect in our moral psyche. It is this ubiquity and significance of respect and self-respect in everyday life that The Stanford Encyclopedia mentions, that makes it so tradeable. 3.5.1.4 Rousseau Jean Jacques Rousseau (1712-1778) investigates aspects of respect in Discourse on the Origin xii of Inequality , where he makes a distinction between two types of self-respect amour do soi and amour-propre, where the former is described as 'the natural sentiment which inclines every xiii animal to watch over its own preservation'. Richard Sennett, in Respect interprets amour do soi as 'self-confidence' the conviction that we can maintain ourselves in the world. The latter, amour-propre, is defined by Rousseau as 'only a relative sentiment, artificial and born in society, which inclines each individual to have a greater esteem for himself than for anyone else. It is this second concept that I am concerned with in this text the social component, which increases and decreases as a result of social transactions. 3.5.1.5 Dewey xiv John Dewey (1859-1942) was an important early developer of the philosophy of pragmatism and one of the founders of functional psychology. Dewey remarked that the deepest urge in xv human nature is the desire to be important. This leads us into the domain of psychology.
3.5.2 Psychology
Having established why respect is important to us, it remains to show exactly how this drives our behaviour. 3.5.2.1 Freud Sigmund Freud (1856-1939) said that 'everything you and I do springs from two motives: the sex urge and the desire to be great'. Maslow later filled in the gaps between Freuds two motivations, but the desire to be great is simply the desire for importance/respect, as we shall see. 3.5.2.2 Maslow Abraham Maslow (1908 -1970) pioneered humanistic psychology, contending that humans are driven by a series of motivations, ranging from base physiological needs to self-actualisation desires. The social needs (Love/Belonging and Esteem) are the intermediate motivations.
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The trading of respect described in this thesis occurs once the physiological and safety needs at the base of the pyramid have been met. It is used to secure esteem, love and belonging, before building towards self-actualisation. The scope of this thesis maps quite neatly to the fourth layer of Maslows hierarchy:
Achieve
Secure social standing (self-esteem and respect of others)
Survive
Figure 34 Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs
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Needs for Esteem When the first three classes of needs are satisfied, the needs for esteem can become dominant. These involve needs for both self-esteem and for the esteem a person gets from others. Humans have a need for a stable, firmly based, high level of self-respect, and respect from others. When these needs are satisfied, the person feels self-confident and valuable as a person in the world. When these needs are frustrated, the person feels inferior, weak, helpless xvii and worthless. This is consistent with the example analysed below in How the need for respect drives everything we do where it is noted that apart from the staying alive bits at the beginning, middle and end, it really can be seen to be 'all about respect'. The example used is one of a white-collar worker in the wage-earning stage of his or her life. If we were to advance the clock on this individual to the time when he or she had secured both comfort (personal financial independence) and respect (the love and support and respect of family and friends), then it is likely that our worker would be indulging in some me time self-actualising doing things like changing careers, doing community work, reading philosophy, practising meditation, writing a book, or participating in charity events.
3.5.2.3 Dr Eric Berne, M.D. xviii Games People Play is a book subtitled The Psychology of Human Relationships, and focuses on Transactional Analysis, using a model which proposes that interactions can be analysed as occurring between the three different ego-states of any individual.
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A 'crossed transaction' in the Transactional Analysis model is where an individual provides a stimulus from his or her Adult (A) ego state, to the Adult (A) ego state of the respondent. However the respondent reacts defensively, from their Child (C) ego state to the Parent (P) ego state of the initiator. This is typified in an interaction like: A: 'Perhaps we should spend a bit less this week ...' C: 'You always criticise me for spending!' Berne describes this type of interaction as 'the most common crossed transaction, and the one which causes and always has caused most of the social difficulties in the world ...'
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Initiator
Respondent
Figure 35 Transactional Analysis: Type I crossed transaction
This interaction can be represented as a 'crossed swords' transaction in our model of Respect as a Currency. In this case, the respondent assumes a position of inferiority, perceiving or pretending that they have been disrespected or talked down to and trying to arouse feelings of guilt in the initiator. Party A
Respect for B Respectful suggestion to Adult level Childish response to Adult level Respect for A
Party B
Bs selfesteem Retreat to position of lower selfesteem
Figure 36 Crossed swords As Berne points out, this is classic game-playing. The respondent is avoiding a rational, respectful, adult-to-adult discussion, where it is likely that their inadequacy may be highlighted. Instead, they change the game by misinterpreting or misrepresenting the nature of the stimulus, to evoke guilt in the initiator, in an effort to bring them down a peg closer to their own lower level of self-respect.
The Type II transaction is similar in form, yet opposite in effect:
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A crossed transaction in the Transactional Analysis model where an individual provides a stimulus from his or her Adult (A) ego state, to the Adult (A) ego state of the respondent. However the respondent reacts defensively, from their Parent (P) ego state to the Child (C) ego state of the initiator. This is typified in an interaction like: A: Perhaps we should spend a bit less this week... P: Oh, dont be stupid! Youre so anal
Initiator
Respondent xx Figure 37 Transactional Analysis: Type II crossed transaction
This interaction is a payment of disrespect (a put-down) in the model of respect as a currency. In this case, the respondent pretends a superior position, talking down to the initiator, in an assertive show of disrespect. Party A
Respect for B Respectful suggestion to Adult level
Party B
Scolding response to Child level
Disrespect for A
Figure 38 Crossed swords In this situation it is likely that the respondent has some insecurities on the topic, and needs to avoid a rational conversation at the adult level, where it is likely that they will lose some respect. The game here is to try to bring the initiator down a peg, by acting like an authority and asserting that the initiator has a childlike attitude. 3.5.2.4 Dr Thomas A. Harris M.D. Dr Harris worked in psychiatry in the field of Transactional Analysis with Dr Berne, and wrote the xxi record-breaking US seller Im OK Youre OK . This powerful book builds upon Bernes ParentAdult-Child (P-A-C) model, explaining how it has been used very successfully in psychiatric therapy (particularly in group therapy) to cure conditions and symptoms that have not responded to conventional psychiatric analysis and treatment. Harris introduces the concept of the 'NOT OK' Child in all of us, that is heavily influenced in their early years by parental 'NOT OK' conditioning, and who struggles to build his or her own 'IM OK' identity as an independent Adult. Parent P
Respect for P Youre OK Action or question Selfesteem Im OK Disrespect for C Im
Child C
Self-esteem Im not OK
Scolding response
Figure 39 OK notnot OK OK, youre OK Youre not I'm
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The thrust of Harriss message is that patients can be taught about the (feeling) Child, the (thinking) Adult, and the (dogmatic, critical) Parent selves within them, to understand where these selves came from, and to recognise when these aspects of their selves emerge in different social situations. Success with patients comes when they are able to assert their inner Adult, make their own objective decisions, and function more consistently as an independent, self-respecting agent. The patient has been empowered with the knowledge of how their mind works, and how other minds work. They are able to choose to operate from the Adult mode, and assert their IM OK status. Adult A
As selfesteem Im OK Im not OK Respect for B Youre OK Stimulation at Adult level Response at Adult level Respect for A Youre OK
Adult B
Bs selfesteem Im OK Im not OK
Figure 40 I'm OK, you're OK Harris states that Transactional Analysis constructs the following classification of the four possible life positions held with respect to oneself and others:
1. 2. 3. Im NOT OK YOURE OK. Im NOT OK YOURE NOT OK. Im OK YOURE NOT OK. Im OK YOURE OK.
4.
Position 1 is the universal position of early childhood representing the completely dependent and impressionable state of the child in relation to the adult. This is a position of low self-esteem, with high respect for their parents and other adults. The two intermediate positions can occur if (2) the child loses respect for the parents, before he or she gains sufficient self-esteem, and/or if (3) the child becomes hardened and rebelliously independent in a tough environment. Position 4 is the ideal target state, where the individual has healthy self-esteem, as well as positive respect for others. The four positions, then, can be re-stated within the context of this thesis as:
1. 2. 3. I have no self-esteem, yet I respect you. I have no self-esteem, and I dont respect you. I have self-esteem, yet I dont respect you. I have self-esteem, and I respect you.
4.
It is through education of the patient about the three 'natures' within them (Parent, Adult and Child), and the four positions one can choose to take, that the patient becomes empowered to operate from the Adult mode, and adopt position 3 or 4. It is a short step from transactional psychology to social psychology, where these transactional mechanisms can be seen in operation in social situations.
3.5.3 Social Psychology

3.5.3.1 How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie Dale Carnegies pioneering self-help book of 1937 is a classic that remains popular and relevant into this century. It a seminal piece that has established a phrase in popular lexicon that persists to this day. I have a dog-eared, yellowing 'revised edition' published in 1981 that boasts 'OVER 15 MILLION SOLD'. The work is now 74 years old and still entirely applicable to social transactions
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in 2011. I read the book twice some years ago for personal benefit. When I re-read it as research for this thesis, with my academic eyes open, I was surprised to realise that the principles underlying the book are all about respect. The following excerpts demonstrate this. In Part 1, Chapter 1, 'If You Want to Gather Honey, Dont Kick Over the Beehive' where Carnegie notes that 'Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a persons precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment'. As I read on, I realised that nearly every one of Carnegies chapters was a topic showing how, in many different ways, if you pay people with genuine respect they will treat you as a friend, and be open to your influence. Chapter 2, 'The Big Secret of Dealing with People', references Sigmund Freud, who said that 'everything you and I do springs from two motives: the sex urge and the desire to be great'. He also quotes William James (the pragmatist philosopher) as saying 'The deepest principle in xxiii human nature is the craving to be appreciated' . Carnegie notes that this desire to be important drives not only great achievers like Charles Dickens, Sir Christopher Wren, and Rockefeller, but also petty criminals, who want to lose the 'petty' tag and feel more important by making the front page of newspapers. Another quote in this chapter is Alfred Lunt, who played a leading role in Reunion in Vienna, and said that 'There is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my selfesteem'. Chapter 3, 'He Who Can Do This Has the Whole World With Him', states 'If out of reading this book you get just one thing an increased tendency to always think in terms of other peoples point of view, and see things from their angle if you get that one thing out of this book, it may easily prove to be one of the building blocks of your career'. This is about respecting others point of view. Part 2 Chapter 3 states 'The Average person is more interested in his or her own name than all the other names on earth put together'. This, to me, is the most useful message of the book. Comprehending this fact, and using it (to add respect to our transactions), is a powerful tool. Carnegies book goes on to list a principle for every chapter and the following table demonstrates how respect underpins almost all of them: Principle in Carnegies book Dont criticize, condemn, or complain Give honest and sincere appreciation Arouse in the other person an eager want Become genuinely interested in other people Smile Remember that a persons name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves Talk in terms of the other persons interests Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it Show respect for the other persons opinions. Never say 'Youre wrong' If youre wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically Begin in a friendly way Get the other person saying 'yes, yes' immediately Let the other person do a great deal of the talking Let the other person feel the idea is his or hers Try honestly to see things from the others persons point
Principle stated in terms of transactions of respect Dont disrespect others Pay respect where it is due Offer respect via a show of interest Offer respect with a smile Offer respect by remembering and using names Offer respect by listening, instead of talking Show respect for their interests Find a reason to pay respect, and pay it. If you lose, you lose. If you win, you lose good will (respect) Show respect for the other persons opinions. Show humility. Pay respect quickly when it is due Pay respect early Setup a win-win dynamic (mutual respect) Pay respect by listening Give away respect for free Respect others position and constraints
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of view Be sympathetic with the other persons ideas and desires Appeal to the nobler motives Dramatize your ideas Throw down a challenge Begin with praise and honest appreciation Call attention to peoples mistakes indirectly Talk about your own mistakes before criticising the other person Ask questions instead of giving direct orders Let the other person save face Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest
Respect others mindset Offer an opportunity to earn respect Inflate the size of the respect on offer Offer an opportunity to earn respect Pay respect early Avoid direct disrespect Show humility to earn respect Offer an opportunity to earn respect Offer an opportunity to retain respect Pay respect whenever possible Offer an opportunity to earn respect Pay respect where it is due, and offer an opportunity to recover respect
It is instructive to note that all of these principles are about purely social transactions about getting what you want (influencing people) without paying them money to do it. In nearly every case, it is about respect. About avoiding disrespect, about paying respect, or offering respect. In terms of the model of balances, Carnegies insight is in realising (without explicitly stating it in these terms) that smooth transactions are impossible or very difficult when the balances of respect between parties are uneven. Carnegies principles are about levelling the playing field to enable balanced transactions. Type 1 levelling involves boosting the respect of the target closer to your own level. These are the transactions in the table above that include the words pay and offer. Carnegie C
Cs selfesteem Respect for B Compliment Response at level Respect for C Bs selfesteem
Other B
Figure 41 Type 1 levelling
Type 2 levelling involves removing any perceived pedestals to appear at the level of the other person. These are the transactions in the table above that include the words show humility
Carnegie C
Cs selfesteem Respect for B
1. Self-deprecation 2. Payment of respect at level 3. Response at level
Pedestal Respect for C
Other B
Bs selfesteem
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Figure 42 Type 2 levelling Type 3 levelling involves maintaining the balance during the transaction. These are the transactions in the table above that include the words dont and avoid. The lesson is that if you perceive that levels of respect are already balanced, be sure not to tip up the balance. Carnegie C
Cs selfesteem Respect for B Payment of respect at level Balanced transactions Respect for C
Other B
Bs selfesteem
Figure 43 Type 3 levelling The special skill that Carnegie had, and that he taught to his students, is to identify instinctively which type of levelling pitch is required in different situations, and with different people, in order to maximise the chances of an optimal (level) transaction 3.5.3.2 The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Stephen Covey xxiv Stephen Coveys bestseller is another self-help classic that articulates the need for respect in effective transactions: Two of his habits are directly relevant to, and support the concept of respect as a critical component in effective social transactions: Habit 4: Think Win-Win Genuinely striving for mutually beneficial solutions or agreements in your relationships. Valuing/respecting people by understanding a 'win' for all is ultimately a better long-term resolution than if only one person in the situation had gotten their way. Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood Using empathetic listening to be genuinely influenced by a person, which compels them to reciprocate the listening, take an open mind to being influenced by you, which creates an atmosphere of caring, respect, and positive problem solving.
In his chapter Paradigms of Interdependence Covey introduces the concept of the Emotional Bank Account, as a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that has been built up in a relationship. He then goes on to explain how deposits help build up a reserve of trust, and withdrawals (of trust) deplete that reserve. Covey C
Cs trust for B Trust deposits Trust withdrawals Bs trust for C
Other B
Figure 44 Covey's Emotional Bank Account This is analogous to the model of credits and debits on balances of respect. I believe that trust is a related, though slightly narrower concept than respect. Let us now test this with some analysis. Increased Respect does not necessarily increase the Trust balance You can respect someone, (for example, for their physical strength, or positional power) yet still not trust them to (say) date your daughter, or keep their promise. I may credit some qualified respect to a politician for her political skill in knifing her rival in the back to secure his position, but this does not necessarily correspond to a deposit of trust towards that politician often quite the reverse, in fact.
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Increased Trust does necessarily increase the Respect balance However if you trust someone, you must necessarily credit them with more respect. When you credit them with trustworthiness, it is saying that their trustworthiness is a respectable quality even if you respect none of their other qualities or behaviours. Hence trust is a contributory element of respect. Respect is a broader concept, which may include trust as an element. So Coveys deposits of trust will necessarily correspond to credits of respect, and withdrawals will correspond to debits of respect, even though the reverse is not necessarily true.
3.5.3.3 Emotional Intelligence Daniel Goleman xxv In Daniel Golemans groundbreaking book when examining why people get angry, he chooses some items from this weeks paper to illustrate a creeping sense of emotions out of control: At a local school , a nine-year-old goes on a rampage, pouring paint over school desks, computers and printers and vandalising a car The reason: some third-grade classmates called him a baby and he wanted to impress them. Eight youngsters are wounded when an inadvertent bump in a crowd leads to a shoving match, which ends when one of those affronted starts shooting a .38 calibre automatic handgun into the crowd. The report notes that such shootings over seemingly minor slights, which are perceived as acts of disrespect, have become increasingly common For murder victims under twelve, says a report, 57 percent of the numbers are their parents or stepparents. In almost half the cases, the parents say they were merely trying to discipline the child. A German youth is on trial for murdering five Turkish women he pleads I cant stop being sorry for what I have done, and I am infinitely ashamed.
It is important to note that all four of these acts of violence are all about a desperate need for respect: wanting to impress them perceived as acts of disrespect trying to discipline the child. I am infinitely ashamed
In Golemans book he used the examples as cases that show deficiencies in emotional intelligence, and he goes on to explain convincingly how and why. I maintain that these four examples neatly illustrate the core concept of this book even more clearly that our social behaviour is all about respect.
3.5.3.4 Respect Richard Sennett xxvi Richard Sennett writes in Respect the Formation of Character in an Age of Inequality : Society shapes character in three ways so that people earn, or fail to arouse, respect. The fist way occurs through self-development, particularly through developing abilities and skills The second way lies in care of the self. The selfsufficient person earns respect The third way to earn respect is to give back to others. This is perhaps the most universal, timeless, and deepest source of esteem for ones character the self-sufficient person is ultimately of no great consequence to other people, since he has no mutual connection, no necessary need of them. Exchange is the social principle which animates the character of someone who gives back to the community. It is this concept of exchange that illustrates the role that respect plays as a currency in social transactions. It is the exchange (of respect, as a currency) that characterises the transaction.
3.5.3.5 What Makes us Tick The Ten Desires that Drive Us Hugh Mackay xxvii Hugh Mackay, in his book What Makes us Tick examines ten desires that drive us: the desire to be taken seriously the desire for my place the desire for something to believe in the desire to connect the desire to be useful the desire to belong the desire for more the desire for control the desire for something to happen the desire for love. Interestingly, the chapters are not numbered. Mackay states: 'I want to avoid any suggestion that there is a hierarchy of desires, or that the list is presented in order of importance. (After 'the desire to be taken seriously', which I think is the most important, read the others in any order you wish.)' The first of these ('the desire to be taken seriously) is essentially the need for respect. It resonates strongly with Deweys 'deepest urge in human nature ... the desire to be important', Freuds 'desire to be great', and William James 'craving to be appreciated', as well as most of Carnegies principles. Mackay further clarifies the desire to be taken seriously as: the desire for the respect of others the desire to be noticed the desire to matter the desire to be appreciated the desire to be understood the desire to be valued as a person the desire to be accepted the desire to be remembered; and states 'We all want our voices to be heard as authentic, legitimate and worthy of attention. We cant bear to be overlooked, dismissed or belittled. Among the factors that explain why we do the things we do, this one is sovereign. Status Symbols In the same chapter, he goes on to suggest that 'So-called status symbols are not merely symbols of the aspiration to be elevated to a certain status in society: they can be more accurately interpreted as expressions of an unsatisfied need to be taken seriously to draw attention to ourselves and to position us as people worthy of admiration and respect. The Cult of Celebrity has spawned the idea that, if you aspire to higher status, the symbols will get you there'. This is an example of 'paying for respect by buying and displaying status symbols, like the 'peacock' described earlier. (The use and abuse of status symbols is more closely examined in Alain de Bottons book Status Anxiety, 2004) The Law of Reciprocity Mackay progresses to talk about how human nature is ruled by a 'Law of Reciprocity' that helps to explain why those who have been put down tend to do the same to others. It is a corruption of The Golden Rule (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you) which operates as 'Ill treat others the way they treat me, or perhaps even the way I think they might treat me' and is evidenced in the way that abused children often grow up to be abusers themselves. This abused person feels robbed of respect, and from a position of low self-esteem, has nothing to give to others but disrespect, and often learns to rob others of their respect in turn.
Listening Still on the desire to be taken seriously, Mackay explains why listening is the greatest gift of all. Being truly, seriously listened to feels like a welcome and precious gift: Someone cares what I think! This observation is recognisable as one of the recommendations in Carnegies 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' (Be a good listener). The concept of a gift illustrates how respect is used as a currency in social transactions. Listener L
Ls selfesteem Respect for T Gift of respect in the form of close attention Appreciation Respect for L
Talker T
Ts selfesteem
Figure 45 The 'Gift' of respect listening Mackay explains: 'Your gift of active listening might not be enough to break a cycle of learned, self-protective behaviour, but it might open a window of possibility for that person. If you are treating them with respect, it might just register that they could show a little more respect for themselves as well. People with a healthy self-respect know when to stop talking and start listening; people with self-respect deficit keep trying to compensate, and one of the signs is that they never know when to shut up neither, of course, do those with a towering self-esteem' and notes on the subject of 'Why Counselling Works' 'Whatever their presenting symptoms, clients go to counsellors for one all-pervading reason: to be treated as a fully authentic human being a person worthy of attention and respect and the proof of that is in being listened to sympathetically'.
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3.6 New Knowledge

For a thesis to have value, it must not only posit a theory, present the results of research, detail the analysis, and present a conclusion supported by the evidence, but the conclusion must be novel that is, it must represent new knowledge not just a re-stating of previously known and documented knowledge. In this way, I claim that the Balances of Respect, incorporating the concept of Respect as a Currency, is new knowledge. It incorporates some concepts enshrined in other works such as Coveys model of 'The Emotional Bank Account' of Trust but in a new context that is in some ways a more general, more powerful, and more widely applicable model. The diagram below supports/clarifies this claim: Politician P
Position and power Respect credits
Respectable aspects, qualities or behaviours
Trustworthiness
Trust deposits Trust withdrawals
Voter V
Vs selfesteem Trust Net respect for P
Deeds and actions Competency / skills Self - esteem Disrespectable qualities or behaviours Personal qualities Behaviours
Respect debits
Figure 46 The general model of Balances of Respect, including Covey's elements of trust The components in blue above represent Coveys model, incorporated into the broader, and more powerfully explanatory model of balances of respect. Any increase in trust (Covey 'deposit') will increase the respect that Voter V holds for Politician A, and any decrease in trust (Covey 'withdrawal') will decrease the net level of respect credited to the politician. So that is the theory. Let us now catalog some observations to test how it holds up.
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4 Observations and Analysis

This chapter examines the evidence of language and experience to test the applicability and veracity of the model of Respect as a Currency.
4.1 Empirical observations

4.1.1 How respect is used like currency
Respect exhibits many of the attributes of a currency. Almost everything you can do with accepted currencies like coins or paper dollars, you can do with respect: It can be earned, through honest application and effort 'You have worked so hard for this school, Mrs Ryan ' 'Hes always early at training rain, hail or shine ' 'I can always rely on James he always delivers' It can be issued by a central trusted (respected) authority: 'The School Captains and Prefects for 2011 are ' 'The Australia Day Honours list for 2011 is published today ' It can be paid: 'Ahmed paid his respects to her father as he entered the household ' It can be counted: '3,256 tributes had been recorded by Wednesday the following week on the Facebook page setup for the public to pay their respects.' It can be added, subtracted, divided and multiplied: 'My respect for her increased when I found that she had made a large personal contribution from her own pocket ' 'His reputation as a moral beacon had been rather tarnished by the discovery that he had assisted in a cover-up of child abuse by clergy in his Diocese ' 'Credit for the success of the event must be shared between both the visionaries and the organisers of this wonderful day ' 'With that single media appearance, she gained the unqualified respect of thousands of admirers.' It can be used / exchanged / traded to procure goods and services: 'Youve done a great job with those roses may I take a cutting?' 'You have great credibility in our industry would you mind speaking at our next event?' 'Im so impressed that you remembered my name and yes, Id love to help you ...' It can be faked, yet not easily, and not without with risk: 'Sure, Boss - Ive read your report its Gold! Im 100% behind you on this.' 'Of course I love you you know Id do anything for you ' It can be won, through application or effort: 'The Government handed down a tough budget that will disappoint many, yet win respect from economic rationalists''. It can be lost very quickly: 'I cant believe you told that sexist joke I have lost all respect for you ' It can be found, unexpectedly: 'Wow, I love that book too I had no idea you read Greek philosophy ' It can be borrowed:
'Just give me this one chance, Dad, and Ill prove to you that I can make you proud ' It can be found, unexpectedly: 'Wow, I love that book too I had no idea you read Greek philosophy ' It can be stolen: 'Thanks Boss! yes it was my original idea, and I did all the hard work. My team dont really have the vision or the skills to work on this baby ' About the only real difference is that it cant be physically stored or handled, or reliably counted so it is unsuited for financial transactions, but certainly its good as gold for social transactions.
4.1.2 How the need for respect drives nearly everything we do

The examples above cover a wide range of situations and social levels. Below is a more narrow and time-bound example of a series of social transactions in the course of a day, by an individual. It is the movements and motivations of an ordinary wage-earner, on an ordinary work day: Action by individual (A) Sleep, wake, eat Shower, shave, brush, dress Motivation Physiological tiredness, hunger Psychological comfort, cleanliness and habit to conform to maintain respect to impress to buy respect to earn money, for comfort and safety to maintain self-respect, and respect of friends, family and others to pay respect as a courtesy, in expectation of good service to respect others privacy to maintain health to maintain and gain respect to gain a favour by paying respect (flattery) Instinctual the sex drive to draw on the respect of position Physiological - hunger Instinctual pleasure to seek respect from superior to maintain respect in the workplace to maintain place in the pecking order to gain respect from superior, at possible expense of losing respect from others Physiological - hunger to maintain circle of supporters and nourish self-respect To pay respects Social Transactions with B and C
Go to work
Greet bus driver Refrain from talking to anyone on the bus Workout at gym and chat with gym buddies Flirt with elderly receptionist to get appointment with the boss Flirt with the office junior Instruct a subordinate to perform an unpleasant task Eat a chocolate bar Hand in a report to the boss Interact politely with colleagues Argue with a colleague Make a hard decision
A pays respect B returns service A pays respect B,C return respect A pays respect B,C return respect A pays respect B returns service
A draws on respect B returns service
A provides service B returns respect A pays respect B,C return respect A demands respect B demands respect A provides service B returns respect C withdraws respect A pays respect B, C return respect A,B,C pay respect
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Meet with friends for lunch
Attend function for departing colleague

Privately covet the corner office Look up the job ads Return home, kiss spouse
to gain more respect to seek opportunities for positions of greater respect and remuneration Psychological habit Need for love to nourish a respectful relationship
A seeks respect A seeks respect
A pays respect B returns respect B returns service
Play with the kids
Instinctual the pleasure instinct Need for love to nourish a respectful relationship to command respect from children Instinctual curiosity to avoid losing respect, by being aware of current events Instinctual pleasure to build self-respect Self-actualisation Physiological - tiredness to nourish a respectful relationship
Enforce the completion of homework Watch news on TV
A pays respect B returns respect A draws on respect B returns service
Indulge in a hobby after dinner
Retire to bed Kiss spouse goodnight
A pays respect
The example above notes several motivations: Type of motivation Social Psychological Instinctual Physiological Motivation Need for respect, Need for love Self-actualisation, Habit Curiosity, Pleasure, Sex drive Tiredness, Hunger
This is only a selection of activities for a single individual on a single day, and there are of course many other behaviours displayed by other individuals with other motivations (safety, for example) but it can nevertheless be seen in these examples that the need for respect is the motivator for many of our social transactions, and that these interactions can be characterised as transactions of respect (payments and withdrawals) between individuals and others. A hermit living in isolation in the wilderness (with no opportunities or desire for social interaction) would likely be driven only by physiological, instinctual and psychological motivations. However most of us need to live in social environments to survive, and in social environments its all about respect. Those who go to church or a mosque pay respects to their deity, or their priest/rabbi/mullah. Those who go to a shop pay respect to the checkout operator (even with a simple nod or smile). Those who go to school pay respect to the teacher during lessons. Those who serve in armed forces pay respect to their flag/country, and their superior officers. Those who work in a trade pay respect to their customers, or their foreman. Respect is a currency. It is paid every day, by all of us, to maintain our social position, just as we pay money every day to maintain our health, safety, and comfort. Sometimes we pay respect to maintain health/safety/comfort (e.g. keeping eyes down when walking through a rough neighbourhood) and sometimes we pay money to increase or maintain our social standing (e.g. buying an expensive suit). The two currencies are often interchangeable. In some ways respect is a much better currency than money for a start it is free (this is why it can only buy you so much) and it is non-tangible meaning that you dont have to carry it around
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in your pockets. So its ideal for small, ritualistic, token payments for small favours or to satisfy expectations, or to confirm positions in social structures. So where did this behaviour come from? How did it evolve?
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4.2 Nature or Nurture?

Our general behaviour is a product of both nature and nurture our genes, our environment and our social conditioning. The bulk of this book is about the latter, yet we can see in the behaviour of our fellow animals that the trading of respect has been, and continues to be, a mechanism employed extensively in the jostling battle for social status - and hence survival and procreative success - in higher-order species. The Pecking Order The battle for social status within groups of animals is reflected in frequently-used phrases such as the pecking order, the leader of the pack, and the alpha male. These terms are references to an accepted social order, where animals or individuals lower down the order defer to (pay respect to) those higher up the order. Just as other animals push, bite, and kick each other to establish fear or dominance over their rivals and claw their way up the pecking order, so we as humans often fight one another with sticks and stones (and guns, and words) in an effort to gain the fear or respect required to attain and hold our desired place in society. Humans often employ very similar submissive gestures as our animal cousins gaze-dropping, head-nodding, bowing, flea-picking (grooming), and beak-touching (kissing), as well as many more language-based gestures like titles, manners, and salutations. We have however evolved more than other species to a point where we now use hard currencies like livestock, commodities, shells, gold, silver, fiat currencies, coins and printed paper, or soft/virtual currencies (electronic credits) for significant quid pro quo transactions. In the same way, respect can be regarded as a soft currency, similar to credits, which can be used for thousands of everyday social transactions we engage in to maintain or improve our place in a civilised society. A mechanism aiding survival of the fittest Those animals within tribes or groups that have gained dominance over others will typically have more success in attracting/retaining mates, and feeding/protecting their young. This is the mechanism which, for social animals, has ensured that the behaviours of seeking and gaining dominance and breeding priority are propagated through the generations and along the evolutionary chain to modern humans, resulting in the emergent mechanism (currency) of human respect. With regards to the question of nature vs. nurture, I will conclude that the capability to show and acknowledge respect has evolved with us from our animal origins, however the manner in which we do so, and the extent to which we do it is entirely learned - through culture, custom and other environmental influences. If we accept this explanation as a valid macro-evolutionary mechanism of how the behaviour of paying respect could have evolved, let us now also investigate how the behaviour begins and develops at a micro level that is, during the life of individuals.
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4.3 Life Stages

4.3.1 Infancy
Although we (as humans) have evolved the capability to understand and use the concept of respect, the ability to do so is not apparent in infancy. Babies and infants appear to operate solely on the lowest level of Maslows Hierarchy the physiological. Its all instinctive - sucking, sleeping, testing their senses, and learning to control their bodies. We know that babies selfishly demand food and attention well before they have the physical ability to convey any sort of payment of respect. This supports the assertion that respect is a learned behaviour. Perhaps the first truly social interaction that infants begin to learn is the cry-and-receive-attention transaction. This is the prototype for the 'ask-and-receive' transaction utilised in the trading of respect. It is a transactional mechanism that is learned in early childhood and reinforced constantly through social custom and personal experience. By the time infants learn to crawl and walk, parents start to teach them respect in the form of scowls, smacks or sharp verbal discouragements when the baby does something wrong like eating dirt or crawling towards a pool edge. This forms the beginnings of the concept of respect for authority in the childs mind. He or she soon learns that negative feedback can be avoided by obeying or respecting their parents commands or directions.
4.3.2 Childhood
Once the child starts to talk, they are able to start participating fully in social transactions. Not in a sophisticated way, yet certainly with all the elements of quid pro quo. One of the first things they will learn in most societies is that a request must be accompanied by a payment of respect. 'Give me an ice cream!' usually does not achieve the desired result. The alternative - 'Mummy, can I please have an ice cream' represents a significant sweetening of the deal for the provider and often enough does achieve the desired result, because: A) it is a request, not a demand; B) it contains a term of endearment (Mummy); and C) the use of manners (please) represents a payment of respect. Adult A
Payment of respect - please
Child C
Respect for A Goods or services Respect for C
Figure 47 Asking for parental favours Of course, the parent receives the payback in the form of the feeling of satisfaction of being the respected parental provider. Gradually the child will learn more sophisticated forms of transaction, including the bribe, the tantrum, the emotional strike, the plea-bargain, the doe-eyed guilt-play, the trade-off, and the very powerful the playing off of parents against each other. It is important to note that parents also learn to develop and exploit certain counter-strategies to deal with incidents of insolence (disrespect.) Withholding of favours and gifts is the simplest most understandable to the child, and usually most effective in terms of social development. Many other elaborate deceptions are also employed like 'Santa wont visit naughty boys', and sometimes quite insidious and destructive threats like 'God will send you to Hell if you dont respect your parents!'.
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4.3.3 Adolescence
This is where it all goes horribly wrong, for the parent. Four factors combine to embolden the teens: 1. 2. 3. 4. The child starts to discover they are not entirely dependent on their parents. They start to build an internal store of self-esteem (often more than they objectively deserve). They realise they can receive respect from their peers, instead of their parents. They realise parents feel obliged to provide for them, with little or no payment of respect. It is independence heaven. Adolescents start to review their respect for their parents based on how others respect their parents. They will often 'diss' (disrespect) their parents repeatedly and publicly, with little fear of significant consequence. They now have other viable options for provision of food, clothing and shelter. If Mum refuses to cook them dinner, they will go to McDonalds. If Dad threatens a grounding, they will go camp at their friends place. If money is withdrawn, they can get a parttime job (or worse, dabble in illicit money-making activities like prostitution or drug dealing). They realise they can get away with it because they have learnt about social structures, societal expectations and parental obligations. They know it is normal for adolescents to rebel, and they know parents cannot disown them without significant emotional, social and legal consequences, as well as the loss of face amongst their circle of friends, acquaintances and family. The parents usually choose to endure the long period of rebellion, instead of the quite significant alternative penalties. Teen T
Inflated sense of power Self-esteem Respect for P Disrespect Respect for T
Parent P
Figure 48 Adolescent disrespect
4.3.4 Young Adult

The parents finally start to see light at the end of the tunnel when the children start to mature sometimes towards the end of, or soon after their teenage years. Often the young adults will find new role models, new goals and realise they need to get serious about learning a profession or skill, earning some money, moving out of home, and achieving complete self-respect with financial independence. It is often a shock to realise they must now start to re-build some of the bridges of respect they have burnt with their parents, in order to seek assistance with buying or renting a car or home. Adult A
Payment of respect Improved self-esteem Respect for P Goods and services Respect for A
Parent P
Figure 49 Learning to trade respect
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4.3.5 Adult
Independence is the concept which possibly best defines a fully developed and self-respecting adult. Until an individual can feed, clothe and house themselves, they are likely to be dependent in some way on a provider - whether it is a parent, friend, or government agency - and have to pay in respect and compliance (if not in money) for the continued provision of these essentials. The adult stage is where the individual moves through a long securing stage of life, acquiring money, possessions, friends, acquaintances, and building a significant and stable base of respect, in order to prepare for the achieving and then self-actualising stages of their life (as described by Maslows Hierarchy of Needs.) For some, self-actualising may come early and simply perhaps in the form of just being a good mother and raising a well-adjusted family'. For others, it may be a longer and harder path to spiritual fulfilment, gross material success, fame, fortune, or world domination. Always, it involves (at a minimum) respect for self, and usually it requires the respect of many others.
4.3.6 Seniors / Elders

Once an adult is past the productive stage of their life they will be considered elders in their society. However this is not neatly defined by any particular age. Rupert Murdoch and Warren Buffet, both in their 80's (at time of writing) are still very productive. Murdoch received a great deal of very public media disrespect from the News of The Word Phone Hacking affair in 2011, yet is still powering on, making new deals with China, and probably will weather the present 'glitch' with aplomb; self-esteem intact, the 'humbling day' notwithstanding. Buffet and Murdoch do not fit the common image of a senior citizen, which is perhaps better defined by the voluntary act of retirement, which means discontinuing active/productive employment, and involves some variation of passivity, or living off the fat of ones own savings, or those of ones government or family. The most respected will be self-funded retirees, as they are not (financially) dependent on anyone, although it is not uncommon for some to find that they have paid for a place in a nursing home where they are physically serviced yet not always well-respected by the staff, sometimes forgotten by their family, and often dismissed by the rest of society. Unless a senior maintains some level of independence, and increases the respect provided by money, wisdom and experience, then their overall perceived balance of respect will often sink under the inevitable decline of the more fragile physical and physiological capabilities, skills and behaviours.
4.3.7 Death
End-of-life options Elders are often cognisant of the approach of age-related decline, and increasingly (but still not commonly) some decide to end their own lives. This is a rational and brave decision, but one which must be carefully considered and well timed. There are options available to prevent and delay the decline of physical and mental capabilities. Volunteering / social work will maintain social relevance and nourish self-respect (and perceived respect) well into old age. Palliative care is common option, but not one that necessarily provides for a dignified exit... In most countries, dying with dignity is illegal. An elder who is still 'above the line' in terms of self respect and perceived respect is unable to legally enlist help and support from friends and family to make a graceful and well-timed exit. In the context of respect as a currency, they may still have some tradeable currency remaining, in the form of respect from family, friends and admirers, but are legally prevented from spending some of this to achieve a graceful exit. They must either take the risk of sinking slowly into incapacity then death, or desperately try to arrange themselves an illegal and lonely exit, without implicating friends or families in the illegal activity. Its not a great choice, and it is little wonder that most still elect to take the path of least resistance, and resign themselves to a slow decline. Mid-life Suicide
Much has been written about the motivations and conditions leading to suicide committed by individuals who still have a reasonable natural life expectancy. This paper proposes that these individuals will take this option not necessarily when they lose the external respect of others (although this is often a contributing factor), but when they lose all self-esteem. It is when an individual feels completely worthless and hopeless (seeing no prospect of retaining self-esteem) that they will not value their life as worth living, and seek to end it.
Respect paid to others X
Depressive
Self-esteem
Respect for others
Respect received from others not credited
Figure 50 The view of a suicidal individual Let us examine the scenario of a man accused of a dishonourable crime say the rape of a young girl. Depending on his actual guilt, his value system, and that of his social circles, there are four possible outcomes that illustrate how the loss of self-respect may lead to suicide: 1. If he is not guilty, and not morally compromised (for example, if the incident is a complete fabrication) he will of course not feel guilty. Self-respect is intact, and may even be enhanced, as he feels morally superior to the accuser, feels outrage at the injustice of the accusation, and makes a moral stand against the false charges. Self-harm will not even be considered. 2. If he is not guilty, but feels guilty, (for example, if the girl was barely of legal age and she consented to the sexual activity while drunk, so he later regretted his actions) then his selfrespect may be damaged; but it can be repaired and restored by a favourable legal judgement, and the respect and support of his friends and family. Again, there is no need for destructive thoughts. 3. If he is technically guilty, but does not feel guilty (if, for example, the young girl lied about her age, initiated and consented to the sexual activity, and is now opportunistically seeking a financial payout), then he will feel some disrespect from some external parties; he may find support from his close friends and social circles, who mix in the same social circles, have similar values, and may be familiar with the girl, and her motivations. Suicide is still not an option, because he has retained a sense of self-respect, with the support of his friends and family. 4. However, if he is guilty, and feels guilty, he will feel a sharp loss of respect from his social circles. This will contribute to a significant decrease in his self-respect. He will also feel an intense internal shame at having committed the crime, possibly compounded by a perception that he has sinned in the context of his personal religious belief system. His self-respect may vanish completely, to the point where he no longer believes his life has worth, or value. In terms of the analogy or respect as a currency, he has no cash left. If he perceives that his family and friends will not forgive the crime, he may see no prospect of ever regaining the respect which will enable him to interact (trade) again at an acceptable position on the relevant social ladders. Suicide becomes an option at this point because his perception is that there is nothing left to lose. Youth Suicide Evan sadder is the decision taken by some to end their lives while still very young. Social criticism drove Thomas Chatterton, the English poet, to suicide when he was only 17. He was an introverted, passionate poet and author who invested his entire sense of self-worth in his literary output. However his work during his lifetime received only patchy and scant recognition, and after a particularly destructive rejection, he tore up his remaining drafts and committed suicide.
Figure 51 The Death of Chatterton, 1856 by Henry Wallis Youth tragedies like these are not uncommon, and continue to this day. More common in todays societies are instances of suicide as a result of bullying. The pervasiveness of social media has now enabled the modern phenomenon of online bullying, where individuals are abused through mechanisms like SMS, Facebook and Twitter. The immediacy and high visibility of these social attacks make them formidable weapons in the hands of those who conspire to rob others of their tradeable respect, or who mercilessly taunt and tease others to make themselves look powerful, without thought to the damage they are causing.
4.4 Relationships
4.4.1 Family
The Parent-Child dynamic is a familiar one to most of us at least from the childs perspective. We are raised to respect those older then us, as a general rule. This holds in most societies. Evolutionarily, it makes sense. There is an expectation and recognition that elders have more life experience, more knowledge and more wisdom, which are valuable and respectable qualities in all societies. In some cultures, there is a particular level of paternal respect reserved for the father, where they are traditionally the breadwinner and head of household, but this is declining in liberal cultures where progressive feminism has dissolved some of the assumptions around this role. In other cultures, especially those who have recently lived close to the land (for example, Indigenous Australian) there is a special level of respect reserved for elders distinguished as the older members of family groups who are valued for their extensive knowledge of bushcraft and traditional medicines, and as a living repository of the groups culture, traditions, history and language. In terms of the model of currency of respect, the flow within families is typically up the family tree. Respect for parents and grandparents is paid in return for love, trust, support and belonging. Any respect that flows down the tree (towards children) is not required respect, but often just courtesy respect, such as respect for personal space, privacy, independence and individuality. It
has the utility of teaching the children that respect, even when not required as a payment, should be offered as a courtesy.
Elder / Grandparent
Loving respect Required respect Courtesy respect Learned respect
Parent
Spouse
Cautious respect
In-Law
Child
Grudging respect
Child
Figure 52 Respect flows within family structures Some flows do occur across the family tree, but these tend to be more pragmatic. Siblings will fight and try to establish dominance in the pecking order, however elder siblings usually prevail, winning a certain level of grudging respect from their younger brothers and sisters. In-laws require very cautious and formal payments. It is dangerous to assume, or offer, anything other than polite and courteous respect, unless it has been preceded by a long period of relationship building and trust. Step-parents (although not pictured in the diagram) are similar in type to in-laws they require cautious payments, until a trusting relationship is built.
4.4.2 Friendship
Both respect and trust are essential for friendship. There is really no point maintaining a friendship unless it contains these two characteristics. If one cannot find anything to respect about another, then familiarity will simply breed contempt. If one cannot trust the other in areas important to that person (such as timeliness, honesty, or the keeping of secrets) then respect will simply evaporate and the friendship with it. If however trust and respect are maintained and grow stronger, then a very solid relationship is possible and will prove very beneficial to both parties. Sometimes, a friendship with a member of the opposite sex will develop further into attraction and romance.
4.4.3 Marriage
The institution of marriage is a fascinating social invention. On a purely selfish or hedonistic level, it does not make much sense - particularly from the male point of view to tie ones self to a partner for life and committing to limit ones self to the same sexual mate for the remainder of ones life. Indeed there are many men who never get married (and many who get divorced) for this reason. From a female point of view however, marriage brings many benefits, and at a societal level, it is remarkably useful, prevalent and successful. From religious and authoritarian points of view, it is also extremely useful. It tends to provide a level of stability and structure in societies that is conducive to the raising of children, the formation of strong family units, structured community groups, secure and productive workers, respected patriarchs and matriarchs, and of course hereditary monarchy. For these reasons, it has been fostered and encouraged by both church and state throughout history, and to this day. One reason that the mechanism of marriage is widely successful is that it establishes a solid framework of respect. Spouses respect each other, and children respect their parents, within the nuclear family unit. It is these bonds of respect which keep a marriage and a family strong.
There appears to be a widespread and popular view particularly in liberated western societies, that strong marriages are based on romantic passion and enduring love. This is not my view. It is my observation and experience that trust and respect are the core and essential components of an enduring marriage, not love.
Attraction Love Passion, Romance Sex Children Understanding Trust Respect
Figure 53 Respect as the most essential component of a lasting marriage This was recognised in 1792 by Mary Wollstonecraft, when she wrote in A Vindication of the xxviii Rights of Women : Would men but generously snap our chains, and be content with rational fellowship instead of slavish obedience, they would find us more observant daughters, more affectionate sisters, more faithful wives, more reasonable mothers in a word, better citizens. We should then love them with true affection, because we should learn to respect ourselves; and the peace of mind of a worthy man would not be interrupted by the idle vanity of his wife Of course, there are many components which contribute to an ideal marriage, but most of these are non-essential. They do not have to be present, or can disappear, and the marriage can remain solid. Let us consider examples where this is apparent: Sexual attraction is naturally the first element to appear in many relationships, and it is a factor that we have in common with all animals that reproduce through sexual partnering. It is usually psychological and chemical in nature. Its value as an evolutionary mechanism is in bringing two individuals together for a period of time sufficient for reproduction to occur. However the level of sexual attraction starts to decline at points in the relationship where it is no longer reproductively advantageous (often after the very first sexual union for males, and often after childbirth for females), and as our bodies mature and age, sexual attraction will decline further until it is often completely absent from many otherwise strong marriages. Passion and or romance are usually present at the beginning of most marriages, in the courtship phase. Studies have shown however, and our own experience confirms, that this declines steadily (along with attraction) and has mostly disappeared by the 18-month mark on average in a relationship, after which other factors like love take over as the binding element. Love is possibly the most recognised attribute of most strong marriages. It is usually present at the beginning of a marriage, and often lasts for the entirety, right unto (and beyond) the death of one partner. However it is not an essential component even for the commencement of a marriage. There are many loveless marriages (including arranged marriages, royal weddings, and marriages for money) that begin without genuine love on both sides, and these marriages are often stable, functional, respectful and enduring. As long as mutual respect is present, many individuals can be quite contented in a marriage, as solid friends and life partners without actually loving their partner in the traditional, accepted sense. It is certainly helpful for a happy marriage, yet not essential for a lasting one. Sex is an important component of a marriage, which typically forms a strong and frequent binding role. The importance of sex in a marital relationship tends to decline gradually over a number of
years, until old age, where it has often disappeared without incident, from otherwise happy marriages. Children are a very strong glue in a marriage, for obvious reasons, yet again, not essential. Most marriages begin without children, and quite often end without them, without threatening the strength of the marriage. Understanding, which I define as including shared interests and values such as culture, religion, hobbies, professional interests and leisure activities, is an odd one. It is not always present at the start of a marriage, but typically increases steadily and slowly over the duration, and is usually strongest at the end of the marriage (death or divorce). Again, however, it is not essential. Many (mostly men!) go to their grave confessing not to fully understand the motivations or behaviour of their spouse, yet loving them and/or enjoying the marriage regardless. Trust is a factor that many will argue is the most essential in a marriage. This however,, is not my view. Of course it is enormously valuable in any relationship, and as discussed above, it contributes greatly to the level of respect one holds for another, but it is not as essential as respect. There are many wives who do not completely trust their husbands particularly the wives of husbands who are rich or famous. These husbands will naturally have many admirers and opportunities to engage with these admirers. Many of them, despite good intentions, prove not able to resist the opportunities presented to them. There are also many men who do not completely trust their wives around some of their male acquaintances, whom they may know to have been unfaithful to their own partners in the past. In some marriages, trust is completely absent. However some partners just accept that they cannot trust their wives with a credit card or with a poker machine, or they cannot trust their husbands at the race track or at an interstate work convention. But can a marriage survive when all trust is lost? It is my observation that this can occur typically in the case where one partner has cheated on the other as with Bill and Hilary Clinton. In this case all trust may be completely destroyed, but as long as some respect for the other is still present, trust can be rebuilt, over time. The reverse case is not necessarily true. If all respect is lost for a partner, then all trust is necessarily also lost, in which case there is nothing left to rebuild upon. Respect is the one element that simply must be present for a marriage to begin, and to last. If I apply the acid personal test, I can imagine marrying a woman who was not in the least romantic and loving: if I found her attractive, energetic, playful, if I enjoyed her sense of humour, and if I respected her enormously for (say) her intellectual achievements, or tireless devotion to a noble cause, such as environmental campaigning, medical research or indigenous reconciliation. If it happened through some accident of genetics or environment, that she lost the capacity to participate in sex, this then would not necessarily drive me to divorce. Similarly, if children did not arrive, or departed the marriage, this would not be a terminal issue. Although my understanding of her would naturally increase as the marriage progressed, I might never fully understand her occupation, motivations and desires, nor share all her values and interests. I believe I could adapt to these 'deficiencies', and possibly remain quite contented in such a marriage. If I discovered I could not trust her, (if, for example, she had an affair,) this would be disappointing, yet possibly resolvable. If however I lost all respect for her, (for example, if I discovered that she had been deceiving me about sexual capacity or childlessness or that she was a long-time professional fraud) then it is more likely that I would seek to end the marriage. Similarly, if she lost respect for me, (for example, if she discovered that I was a closet racist or misogynist,) then I could also expect her to leave the marriage. When respect disappears, all bets are off. Many arranged marriages begin without romance, love, children or understanding. However there is always respect of some kind at the time of the wedding. In arranged marriages, there is the respect for custom or religion that demands the marriage, and usually respect for the parents that are enforcing it. The participants usually trust in their religion, and trust in their parents that the person they are marrying will at least be socially respectable, if not immediately attractive or
lovable in fact family respect/honour is often the sole aim of an arranged marriage. If the wife later finds (say) that her husband is a misogynistic, abusive and/or unfaithful partner, she may lose all respect for him, but remain in the marriage out of respect for her parents. If she does not respect her parents or customs enough to endure the pain of the marriage on their behalf, she may remain suffering in the marriage only out of respect for her religion. Only if she has lost all respect for her husband, her family and her religion or customs will she feel no compulsion to maintain the unhappy marriage, and somehow attempt to end it. However the situation is quite different if the husband discovers (say) that his wife has been engaging in an extramarital affair. He will of course lose respect for her, and in cultures where arranged marriages do occur, it is common for family, custom, religion (and the law) to be on his side meaning that it will be quite a simple matter for him to end the marriage, and he will often do so. Many marriages for money sometimes begin without even a genuinely satisfying mutual sexual relationship. These issues are commonly mitigated through coping mechanisms like adoption, extramarital affairs, religious devotion/substitution, and extramarital sex, as required. If the trophy wife discovers the rich husband has been cheating on her, she may not lose all respect for him, if she married him mainly for his money in the first place. She may be content to continue enjoying the material benefits of the marriage, and simply cheat on him also. If the rich husband finds over the years his wifes beauty and charm (that is, trophy value) has faded, and it is all he has ever respected her for, then the marriage will not survive. He will simply discard and replace her. However if he has subsequently discovered that she has more significant material abilities, qualities and achievements that he has come to genuinely respect, the marriage may well continue happily. The alternate case of a rich woman marrying a good-looking young pauper is somewhat more uncommon, though the same motivations would apply. If positive respect is present, the marriage has every chance of continuing. If respect dies, the marriage dies with it. Tiger Woodss marriage dissolved when his wife discovered his history of deceit around his many sexual affairs and lost respect for him as a husband and father. His ability to swing a golf club was not enough to keep him above the line of zero respect in her books, and she left. However when Bill Clinton performed similar acts of betrayal some years earlier, his wife Hilary did not end up leaving him. Possibly, she judged that despite this betrayal, he had sufficient other enduring personal qualities (perhaps including genuine remorse, and presumably some of those qualities which elevated him to the highest office in the country) that she was able, after some time, to maintain or rebuild enough respect for him to continue in the marriage. Most of us however, arrange our own marriages and marry for love. In this more common situation romance, love, sex, children can all disappear slowly and incrementally, as understanding of our partner grows, a comfort zone is established, and acceptance of each others failings or losses is practised. This progression is, in the main, understood and accepted as normal. All these can disappear or decrease without incident. However if respect starts to decrease, it is noticed painfully, sharply and immediately. Name-calling The clearest indicator of loss of respect in a relationship is name-calling. Once this starts, the relationship starts to decay. If it continues without resolution, the marriage or relationship will die. Party A
Selfesteem
Party B
Selfesteem
Respect for B
Name-calling
Respect for A
Figure 54 Name-calling: destroys relationships, erodes self-esteem

Name calling (of the vindictive/hurtful kind, not the playful kind) is an unambiguous attempt to denigrate the other person (lower their self-respect). When a man calls a woman a 'bitch', he is telling her she deserves no more respect than a dog. When a woman calls a man a 'pussy' or a 'wimp' she is telling him she has no respect for his all-important manliness. Outside of an established relationship, this is merely offensive and unpleasant. It can usually be dismissed as an uninformed opinion, as the person is not considered well-known to the other. Within an established relationship however, the effect is extremely corrosive. Repeated assaults of this kind on the self-respect base of a partner (or spouse, or child, or acquaintance) will inevitably result in erosion of the partners self-esteem. Recovery and repair is not easy, and not common. Estrangement, separation and divorce are the very common results of a marriage that has descended into name-calling. At this point, objective professional help (relationship counselling) is about the only course of action with a realistic chance of healing the wounds and rebuilding respect.
4.4.4 Professional relationships

The word professional (as opposed to amateur) means a person is paid to perform a service. It implies expertise and objectivity, and it carries with it an expectation of value. An upset spouse could run crying to an amateur relationship counsellor (a playgroup friend, or a mate at the bar) one would not necessarily expect an optimal solution. However if one books a time and pays good money for a professional relationship counsellor, there is an expectation (or at least a realistic hope) that a positive and sustainable result will be obtained. Patient - Counsellor One reason a professional counsellor or psychiatrist will have a better chance of repairing a damaged relationship is that they have more experience, knowledge, and skill in this area. They are able to utilise their specialist skills, knowledge and experience to choose and execute an approach with the best chance of success. There is also a special element of respect present in a professional relationship that assists with the process. The letters after the name of the doctor or practitioner, and the degrees on the wall of the clinic are displays of professional qualification which confirm that the professional can at the very least be respected for completing a rigorous academic qualification. The bedside manner of the practitioner should also convey to the patient a feeling that they are respected, objectively and without prejudice, as a worthy individual with a problem to solve (not, as may happen with a playgroup friend or the mate at the bar, as a poor victim or a pathetic wimp). In this way a dynamic of mutual respect is established that sets a constructive base for an effective resolution of the problem. When the patients are a married couple, the dynamics are a little more complicated. If one partner sees the counsellor as a judge or mediator, rather than as a professional helper, then this perpetuates an adversarial element, which will not be helpful. Each partner will need to form an individual bond of mutual trust and a balance of respect with the counsellor, in their own right. M. Scott Peck, in The Road less Travelled recorded, in relation to married couples who attend psychiatric therapy Ultimately, if they stay in therapy, all couples learn that a true acceptance of their own and each others individuality and separateness is the only foundation upon which a mature marriage can be based and real love can grow. The job of the counsellor is to help the couple find and practice ways to re-establish respect for each other, rather than feel constrained, diminished or limited by the other. Student Teacher Respect is also an essential component of the student-teacher relationship. Quite simply, without it, there is no relationship. Its all about respect.
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A child without respect for his teacher will talk in class, distract others, and disrupt a class. A tertiary student without respect for his or her lecturer will simply skip the lecture. A husband who has been forced to attend marriage counselling is likely to be recalcitrant and disrespectful to both the counsellor and the spouse. Little or no learning occurs in these cases. Where there is respect however, magic happens. Like Socrates and Plato, or like the Master and the Grasshopper a dynamic of effective delivery and reception occurs, and knowledge is transferred in an effective fashion. It may not be the most efficient transfer reading a textbook may be more efficient in many instances (if the student respects the author and the material) but it is certainly more effective. The personal interaction reinforces the lesson. The teacher can deliver the lesson with examples, with context, with clarification, with enthusiasm, and sometimes even with emotion. The respect must be mutual. If the teacher sees the student(s) is (are) disinterested / disruptive / disengaged, then this is perceived as showing disrespect, and the motivation to teach with enthusiasm will disappear. The teacher will revert, in effect, to a talking textbook, or at best, focus their attention on those students who are displaying interest. Its all about respect. Player Coach Whether acting as a volunteer for a social team, or as a paid professional, a coach expects, and requires the same level of respect as a teacher. He or she is of course a teacher, but there is a significant difference - in general, the players are all there because they want to be not because they must go to school, or they are expected to complete a degree at university. Hence the players in a team (or the single athlete with a dedicated coach) are generally more willing and interested. The coach, of course, demands respect. The arrangement simply will not work without it. An athlete will not listen to a coach who is less experienced or knowledgeable than themselves, and a team of players will not respect a coach who has not completed the required research, session planning and game strategy. The two classes of coach again illustrate the similar nature of respect and currency. The professional coach is paid in mainly money and respect, while the volunteer coach is paid only in respect both for doing the same job. The difference is only in degree.
4.5 Environmental Contexts

4.5.1 At School
The Teacher, the Headmaster and the Cane. In the good old days at my primary school, it was pretty simple. If we didnt show respect to the teacher, we (girls as well as boys) were sent to the headmaster and caned (at best, one strike across the palm with a long cane rod, at worst six strokes) Sometimes the teacher was empowered to give us the cuts right there at the front of the room, in front of the whole class. It hurt like hell, and often brought tears to the eyes, but it sure made you think twice about pulling pigtails again, or sliding on the porch in the rain. Respect for the teacher was demanded, and enforced. It worked pretty well, with no obvious long term damage. There was some street cred (respect from peers) to be gained in getting the cane once or twice, but it came at the significant price of intense physical pain, and also with the risk of losing the peer respect as well, which could occur if you pulled your hand away while the teacher was applying the stroke, or if you cried in front of the class. Some boys who were confident they could hold the hand still, and hold back the tears would make a conscious decision to trade the pain for the gain (of peer respect). I was not one of them, though I do remember feeling an odd sort of admiration for the bad boys who would plan and commit their classroom crime, then stride confidently to the front of the class to have their bad boy image reinforced as they showed how they could take it like a man in front of the class. Brave and painful stuff! A hard way to do it though, I always thought.
Academic success An easier way (for me, at least) was to scrounge some respect through academic success. The coolest boys were always the sporting champions, but there was some decent/grudging respect to be gained by topping a class or an exam. I found it was better (in terms of tradeable respect) to be good at schoolwork and bad at sport, than bad at both. The Lecturer/Student relationship Within primary schools, students respect teachers as they are older, bigger, and parent-like. They are in clear positions of authority and there are penalties for showing disrespect. However within the higher schools like tertiary institutions, the nature of the respect relationship shifts to a more adult level. The lecturers are not necessarily bigger, not always older, and rarely parent-like. However they are typically knowledgeable, and it is this quality upon which the respect is based. University students (unlike school students) are there in the main because they want to learn, or obtain a qualification, and they know the lecturers and tutors have this knowledge, and can impart it to them. Although they have paid money for their courses, they must also (by convention and necessity) pay respect to their lecturers, tutors and the higher academics at their place of learning. Academics do not earn huge salaries the remuneration is quite modest in comparison with what many could earn in the commercial sector. One reason that they choose to teach is they enjoy the respect they are paid daily for their specialised knowledge, by attentive students and respectful peers. This relationship works well: universities are able to pay slightly lower salaries for their academic staff; they are paid in both money and in respect, and the student benefits with higher quality tuition than would occur if the academics were there solely for the money. There are some assumptions within this relationship however, that are subtle yet vitally important. Firstly, the lecturer must know, and be seen to know their stuff, and must be able to communicate it to the students. This confirms, to the student, the basis for their respect. Secondly, the lecturer must make small courtesy payments of respect back to the students, in return for their respect and attention. If a lecturer treats his students like idiots, or treats his lectures as an inconvenient distraction from his or her selfish purpose of (say) completing a doctorate (in order to earn the right to put more letters after their title), then this will be noticed by the students, and resented. There is a memorable passage in Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance where Phaedrus, the ghost of the narrators former self, is attending the University of Chicago, an institution he has paid to attend, in order to explore and promote his particular philosophical thesis on the nature of Quality. However it has become known to the higher academics with the university that his ideas in relation to rhetoric and dialectic are opposed to the pro-Aristotelian philosophy of the institution, and in particular, to the dogma promoted by the Professor of Philosophy. The memorable scene occurs when the Professor plans to humiliate Phaedrus during the lecture by exposing a lack of knowledge on the works of Aristotle, in front of the class. The attempt however, backfires when an innocent student intervenes, and is publicly and cruelly savaged by the Professor, while Phaedrus is able to answer very precisely all the questions thrown at him. What has happened here is that the Professor has unfairly diminished the innocent students self-respect, and in doing so, lost a deal of respect from all the students. At the same time, the Professor was forced to retreat with a grudging respect for Phaedrus, who clearly knew as much as he did, on this particular topic. This battle reaches a very satisfying conclusion soon after, when the Universitys Chairman for the Committee on Analysis of Ideas and Study of Ideas (the highest academic in the School of Philosophy) replaces the professor, in a climactic attempt to defeat (humiliate) Phaedrus in front of the same class. However this attempt is also unsuccessful, and in fact the Chairman is humiliated when Phaedrus cleverly wins two rhetorical exchanges on the subject of Aristotle the Chairmans area of highly respected expertise. The Chairmans credibility is destroyed in front of the class, to the point where the previously humiliated student starts to mock him. The Chairman loses all authority. He falters, hesitates, and eventually retreats diminished. It is a powerful scene, and its all about respect possessing it, wielding it, and losing it.
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Bullies The schoolyard bully typically is not good at either sport or school work, and seeks another way to gain respect through fear and intimidation. When I was at school one notorious bully was a big fat kid who could push over anyone in the schoolyard. Nowadays it is very common to hear of
cyber-bullies, who threaten or execute the spread of derogatory comments, photos or rumours via social media like mobile phones or on websites like Facebook or MySpace. Bully B
Selfesteem Minimum payment, under duress Respect for Bs social or physical power
Target T
Selfesteem
Respect for T
Demand for payment
Personal respect for B
Figure 55 The Bully The dynamic occurring here is a forced trade of respect. Respect is demanded, and usually given, at least ostensibly, but nothing is actually given out by the bully except a reprieve a temporary restraint from hostilities.
4.5.2 Sport
Figure 56 - ANZAAC day AFL game, MCG 2011xxxi

Collingwood v Essendon at MCG. The teams minute silence. Picture: Michael Dodge Source: Herald Sun
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Sport is often described as a microcosm of the real world, where warriors can engage in battles and struggles, and strive for sporting glory. Three high-profile examples from international competition illustrate how respect can be won and lost on the big stage of sport. Hansie Cronje was the South African Cricket captain during the 1990s. He was immensely popular and well-respected not only in his own country, but around the world as one of the greatest captains of all time, during his prime. He had an enormous balance of external respect (in the form of an impeccable public reputation for sporting prowess and fair play) that bought him privilege and favours wherever he went. Unfortunately however, he did not seem to think he had enough money. He made a conscious (or perhaps half-conscious) decision to risk his reputation
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http://www.heraldsun.com.au/sport/afl/well-keep-anzac-day-game-collingwood-ceo-gary-pert/story-e6frf9jf1226044559117 It's all about Respect v5e Page 60 of 111
in return for some relatively small cash payments. A huge scandal erupted in 2000 when allegations of match fixing surfaced in the media, and his guilt was established during a subsequent commission into the scandal. Cronje subsequently made a tearful public apology, having lost the respect of his country, his friends, and almost all interested observers. Not long after, he was involved in a fatal small plane crash in suspicious circumstances, leading many to believe he lost (or ended) his life as well, as a result of his decisions to trade respect for money. Tiger Woods was perhaps the shiniest of golfs golden boys ever to monopolise the worlds fawning media. He was tall, good looking, clean-cut, polite, rich beyond belief, and just kept winning tournaments by improbably large margins. He was feted for several years as the worlds best golfer (sometimes as the greatest ever), and his squeaky-clean image was a huge cash cow in terms of commercial endorsements. Unlike Cronje however, he risked it not for money, but for fun. It was revealed in 2010 that he was a serial adulterer having had more than twenty affairs with various women in several countries around the world, and having used some of his financial resources to keep the affairs secret. He perhaps did not consciously decide to trade his huge balance of respect for the pleasures of the flesh he probably thought he could get away with paying only money for these pleasures a simple and easy transaction for him yet he must have known there was an ever-increasing risk that if the facts became widely known, then he would pay a huge price in loss of respect not only with his wife and family, but with his millions of corporate and sporting fans. Once he was found out, the global media completed the overdue transaction (of a large withdrawal of respect) very efficiently for him. Shane Warne or 'Warnie' to many, is a somewhat different case. A much more successful sporting adulterer, in that he lost a lot of respect from his former sporting fan base when he started to be known more for his smoking, drinking, drug-taking, and womanising. However it seemed he only lost a small (conservative female ) portion of his fan base, and he picked up another large demographic (young / liberal / male) group who secretly admired and envied his ability to: play good cricket; earn a motza on the sub-continent; make a few extra dollars making 'weather predictions' on matches while hes at it; puff like a chimney; drink like a fish; buy a great new head-rug; sport an all-year tan and shag some of the worlds most beautiful women. He had turned himself into a Lovable Rogue and built a slightly less respectable, yet more marketable pedestal of respect. Possibly he alienated much of the female population of his native country by cheating on his wife, but this demographic was never a big part of his money-making fan base. In any case, he indirectly profited from this demographic when the womens magazines ran big stories about his new affairs further increasing his marketable 'ladies man' profile, and winning back some attention from the conservative females who read about his wickedness to confirm their assertions about how all men are cads. Team mates Respect takes a long time to earn, yet can be lost very quickly in a close, reliant team environment. In the demanding competition of the Australian Rules football premiership, respect is earned through a long association with the club (typically from juniors), reliable and dedicated attendance and performance at training, brave and committed acts of exertion on the field, and respectable off-field behaviour. One player, Wayne Carey, had all of this in spades. A dual premiership Captain at North Melbourne, four-time club Best and Fairest and seven-time AllAustralian representative, Carey, nicknamed 'The King', was generally considered to be one of greatest players to have ever played Australian Rules Football. In 2001 he was named as centre half-forward and captain of North Melbourne's Team of the Century and in 2008 was named as Australian Rules Football's greatest ever player as part of a list of the top 50 players of all time, published in the book The Australian Game of Football, which was released by the League to xxxii celebrate 150 years of Australian Rules football. However in 2002 he had an extramarital affair with the wife of his then-best-friend, team mate and Vice Captain, which blew up in the media and resulted in complete public disgrace and humiliation. Not only had he lost respect with the public, but he had betrayed his team mates in a way that was unforgivable losing all respect from his team, and making his return to the club impossible. He was forced to leave the club and following a 12 month absence from football returned to the game to play two more seasons with Adelaide. He was however involved in
several more off-field incidents which further damaged his tarnished image, losing him all respect in the eyes of many fans and observers. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.
4.5.3 In Business
The company policy A formal approach taken by most mature and regulated workplaces is a policy (written or unwritten) of respect for others, which covers both clients and colleagues. In stable, fair and productive workplaces, the observance of this policy occurs naturally and contributes to an effective work dynamic. Workplace policies typically include among their 'Values' a statement like: Showing Respect for the Dignity, Rights, and Views of Others We will treat co-workers, clients and members of the public with courtesy and respect, be appropriate in our relationships with them, and recognise that others have the right to hold views which may differ from our own. This means: Treating all people with respect, courtesy and honesty and give everyone a fair hearing; and Respecting the dignity, rights, and views of others, including different values, beliefs, cultures and religions; These policies are a recognition and communication that in business, good business is all about respect. In Retail - The customer is always right Have you ever been in a retail shop (or in a phone discussion with a supplier) when you have felt poorly or unfairly treated? Where the 17-year old sales assistant continues her chat with her girlfriend for several minutes before grudgingly coming to your assistance? Or where you are put on hold on an enquiry line for 45 minutes? These are instances where you, as a customer feel disrespected as if your time is not important to the business. There is nothing that makes you feel more like walking out of the shop or hanging up, and taking your business elsewhere. Most businesses realise this, and try to avoid or minimise these loss-of-trade situations with communications to their staff like 'The customer is always right!' or messages to phone enquirers like 'Your call is important to us ' Clearly, these communications do not always achieve the desired effect, but they do provide an acknowledgement from the business owner that a real effort is being made to show some respect to the customer or potential client. In Business the tradeable value of goodwill The concept of 'goodwill' in business very neatly illustrates the similarity of respect to money. When a business is sold, or up for sale, it is valued (in simple terms) as the net total of assets less liabilities. One intangible asset that is often recognised as having a significant monetary value, is that of 'goodwill' which represents the value of the brand, or the size (end expected revenue value) of the customer base that is expected to continue buying goods or services from the business after the business changes hands. This is in effect valuing the accrued respect that current customers or potential customers hold for the business. Just as in business and law, a corporation can be regarded as a person in many respects under common law, similarly, a business can be credited respect by people, and this respect can be valued and traded like money or currency. Business B
Respect for C Good service builds goodwill Reliable revenue stream Goodwill towards B
xxxiii
Customers C
zero balance
Figure 57 Goodwill, traded as a currency
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4.5.4 In the workplace

4.5.4.1 The Boss Respect for your immediate supervisor at work is a given. It is expected, it is required, and it is typically enforced. Those who have been in the business for longer periods and/or display superior knowledge, skill or aptitude in their roles will be naturally respected by their workmates and their bosses, and are often promoted to supervisory positions. Newer or less-skilled staff will typically find it natural to respect their more experienced or skilled workmates and superiors. As long as trust and respect for the boss is present, the subordinate-superior relationship works well.
Boss B
Professional respect for A
Professional and positional respect Pay Professional services Positional respect for B
Subordinate A
zero balance
Figure 58 A healthy work dynamic We see from the model that the strong stabilising bond of professional respect, helps to stabilise a slightly unbalanced transaction, where services are returned for (downward) payment of wages. The lack of 'the bond of professional respect and trust' is an inherently unstable situation. Should wages be delayed or withheld by a non-trusted or non-respected employer, the subordinate is likely to cease production. Or, if production of services by non-respected employees ceases, the superior is likely to withhold payment. If a strong bond of professional respect is present, however, these situations will be able to be tolerated for longer periods, allowing more time for a mutually satisfying resolution.
4.5.4.2
The Rival Friendly, respectful professional rivalry is healthy competition, both within a business and between businesses. However problems can sometimes occur within a business when one individual is employed or promoted above another. If the promoted person is a rival and is perceived by the overlooked others to be not worthy of sufficient respect, then respect will simply not be given. The relationship with the promoted rival is no longer respectful. The new boss is then in the awkward position of trying to encourage or enforce productivity without the stabilising bond of professional respect. There is only the financial chain of wages to ensure the subordinates maintain at least the appearance of productivity or effectiveness.
Promoted Rival P
Selfesteem
Overlooked other O
Self-esteem Respect for O Bossy talk Resentment Respect for P
Figure 59 Rivals at work

In reality, some will accept the incremental slip in their position in the pecking order, suck it up and get on with the job, but others will be unable to accept this slip in standing. They will feel disrespected. They will be uncooperative, recalcitrant, disrespectful, and spend most of their initiative, time effort and resources at work out-placing themselves by looking for other employment, where they hope their true value will be appreciated. They often seek to belittle or demean their rival, and derive pleasure from their misfortunes a concept described by the xxxiv German word Schadenfreude.
4.5.4.3
Schadenfreude xxxv Hugh Mackay notes in his book What makes us Tick that 'the Darkest Shadow cast by each of our desires is the wish to see that same desire frustrated in someone else a malevolent urge thats most likely to grip us if we ourselves lack a sense of fulfilment. Refusing to acknowledge another person, for instance is usually a shadow cast by our own unfulfilled desire to be taken seriously. Wanting less for someone is a shadow cast by our own unfulfilled desire for more'. This urge reflects the relative power of respect. If we feel that our own perceived respect balance is lower than we desire, then it is frustrating to see anothers balance rising. It puts us further behind in the pecking order. Of course, it is best to feel a rise in ones own balance, although a decrease in others balances is nearly as good, for many.
4.5.4.4
The Bully The bully at work is an odious creature. Like the schoolyard bully, they seek respect through intimidation and fear. In the workplace, they typically employ non-physical threats like verbal aggression, innuendo, lies, deception, and gossip. Often they will claim credit for others work, and refuse to acknowledge their own failings or limitations. They are deserving of little or no respect, yet are often able to reach supervisory positions where respect is demanded, and visible shows of respect are required and painfully enforced. The Psychopath The clinical term psychopath (which literally means disease, pathos; of the mind, psyche) refers to a condition that has only recently begun to be properly described. The psychopath is different from a normal person in a number of ways. The most important difference is that the psychopath does not have a conscience. They do not feel any remorse for their behaviours, as they do not xxxvi have the ability to empathise with other people . Consequently, they respect only themselves. They are often adept conversationalists who are masters of subtle deceit, because although they do not have the ability to feel emotional empathy with those they deceive, they do have the capacity for cognitive empathy to understand how others think and process information. This of course allows them to manipulate others into respecting them (at least until their deceptions are discovered). Clarke (2005) reports in Working with Monsters that 'psychopaths make up approximately 1 to 3 percent of the adult male population, and 0.5 to 1 percent of the adult female population and can work as mechanics or lawyers, in factories or corporate boardrooms, for the government or private industry. Everyone, at some stage in their life is highly likely to encounter a psychopath, whether it be a colleague at work, a person living in your street, or a con artist who knocks on your door'.
4.5.4.5
4.5.4.6
Constructive trading of respect with colleagues Deferring to others who hold expertise in, or control of a certain area or domain is prudent, in the first instance for example, a business line manager referring a Human Resources (HR) issue to the HR manager and once this expertise or control is demonstrated, further deferral or delegation is likely to be both efficient and effective. This is a good example of healthy respect in the workplace allowing for optimal work allocation. Respect is being traded here. The business line manager is paying respect to the HR manager, who is returning payment in the form of services.
However, always deferring to others can be deleterious towards your self-esteem. At some point, the business line manager ought to start learning from the outcomes of the referrals, and start to handle some of these directly. This will result in increased respect for the line manager from both the staff member (who gets a more prompt response to an issue) and from the HR manager (who sees that their knowledge has been accepted and re-used). 4.5.4.7 Finding a way to respect colleagues If you happen to be a wage worker, it is almost inevitable that you will come into daily contact with others whose behaviour or values you do not respect. This is clearly an issue if you are expected to work with them, and more so if a close and productive working relationship is required. I have been in this situation many times and the situation is initially disappointing and frustrating. Without a well-considered strategy, the situation can deteriorate rapidly. There are several ways to deal with the situation however to ensure a better outcome:
1. Avoidance Potentially the quickest and easiest, if you can manage it; 2. Endurance Simple and character-building, though potentially long and frustrating; 3. As a learning opportunity finding a way to respect. While endurance just teaches you to shut out the frustration, this approach teaches you to examine it, analyse it, and fix it. Let us say you are paired at work with a blustering, sexist, racist bully who reeks of cigarette smoke all day, invades your personal space and takes credit for the work of others. Your natural inclination is that this person is deserving of no respect at all, and most people will tend to avoid and/or endure. However it helps to remember we are not perfect either. We all have some bad habits and sometimes display poor behaviour too. Very few people are superior to others in all xxxvii said 'Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I respects. Ralph Waldo Emerson learn of him'. It may be that this person has built an exceptionally constructive relationship with another colleague whose assistance would be valuable to you. It may be that this person has a deep technical knowledge of an area that is important to your line of work. There is bound to be something that this person is good at, or can be respected for. It is up to us to find it, and use it. The trick is to focus not on their bad habits and poor behaviour, but on their respectable qualities. The glass may be seven-eighths empty, but as long as you can find the one-eighth to focus on, it is possible to interact in a way which is professional, constructive and sustainable. Contemptible Colleague C
Respectable aspects, qualities or behaviours Position and power Interaction Professional response Influence with others Personal qualities Disrespectable qualities or behaviours Behaviours Deeds and actions Competency / skills Personal disrespect for C First impulse Respect for Cs professional role
Self S
Selfesteem
Figure 60 Staying professional
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4.5.4.8
Position envy / Status anxiety Last century, there existed many workplaces where promotion was based on seniority. This method had its advantages. It was simple, objective, transparent, and suited the mindset and expectations of those who had grown up in an age of stable, hierarchical aristocracies. However with the digital revolution, the pace of change increased, competitiveness increased, and meritbased promotion replaced seniority as a basis for advancement within most private and public organisations. While this obviously suited the aspirational Generation X, and even more so the impatiently ambitious Generation Y, the older generations found it a rather uncomfortable development. An element of instability had been introduced. Suddenly their positions of seniority were being threatened and taken by young upstarts, and their respect, gained through years of service, was on the line. Workers who were once comfortable, satisfied and productive now became envious of younger workers who had leapfrogged them to higher positions. It is a curious fact that a worker can be completely satisfied with a role, the hours, the pay and the work environment until he or she hears of an upstart of perceived lesser merit being promoted to a higher pay-point further up the pecking order. Suddenly, the worker is no longer satisfied. It is not about money or conditions, because the workers pay, hours and physical environment have not changed at all. The only thing that has changed is that some respect is perceived to have shifted undeservedly from the worker to the upstart. The worker feels robbed of some respect, and is now dissatisfied with their job. Its all relative, and its all about respect. Midway through my own career, I faced an interesting choice between money and respect I was working in a public service agency, and became eligible to apply for a healthy redundancy payout. However at the same time, I was told of an opportunity at another agency that had become available. It was a permanent position a challenging directors post, with significantly higher pay, an office, a car park, and significant status attached to the role. I was qualified for the role, however the catch was that I could not (under the terms of the redundancy program) take the package, and still remain available for this new job. It was one or the other. The redundancy and payout was clearly the better option for me, and for my family, and my first (rational, objective) response was not interested. However I gave it some (subjective) thought, and realised that if I secured this role, I could leapfrog both my boss and my rivals at work. I remember with some shame how attractive the thought was to me. Slowly I realised that the main attraction of the new position was not the money or the career progression, but simply the opportunity to feel superior to get up on a pedestal and bask in the respect of the higher role. It was a confronting and personal example of the base human urge to 'feel important it was all about respect.
4.5.4.9
Generation Y Gen Y! Blessed with a sense of entitlement and largely devoid of loyalty. For Gen Y, it is all about them. They simply dont have much respect for authority, for tradition, for their employer. Of course, this is a generalisation, and there are many in this demographic who are well-balanced individuals, with a strong sense of loyalty and respect just not many, in my experience. It is my observation that they expect to be hired on their academic qualifications, soak up significant resources in on-the-job and formal training, and expect to be promoted every 6 months, until they become CEO before they are 35. If this does not occur, they simply leave for another employer, without a twinge of guilt. After all it is all about them. They are the mercenaries of the professional world. Their loyalty will not be freely offered it must be bought. They are respected only for their current skill sets, and willingness to leave a competitor for just a dollar more, or for a better chance of promotion. It is only when they find that they have reached 35, they are not yet the CEO, and they have burnt the bridges with most employers in their industry that they learn the lesson of loyalty and respect for service. Their attitude and standing in the workplace is well described by Eileen Walsh (Director xxxviii : Professional Services, iHR Australia) in a recent industry newsletter This group are not intentionally demanding or disrespectful. The fact of the matter is, Generation Y provides us with an emerging mind-set that many managers struggle to relate to, let alone engage and retain. In general they challenge old-fashioned paradigms
such as a job for life, or the idea of hierarchical structures where position alone commands respect. Even in many traditional hierarchical societies some of the customs, entitlements and barriers that have been set by national and workplace cultures are now regarded as old fashioned. Quite clearly Gen Ys are less tolerant of an authoritarian style of management and respect has to be earned by managers and leaders from this group, irrespective of age or seniority.
4.5.5 At Home
Neighbours You may have heard the saying 'You can choose your friends, but you cant choose your relatives'. Neighbours are a bit like this. Often you will have an opportunity when first buying or renting a home to meet, or find out about your neighbours, but after that, you get what you get. Neighbourly relationships usually begin civilly, and continue politely (sometimes, for very long periods) until some complaint arises, or a difference of opinion occurs. With acquaintances, relations and workmates, you can often remove yourself from the problem, but with neighbours this is not easily achievable. The dog will keep barking, the tree will keep dropping leaves in your pool, or that old motor body will just keep rusting away in the front yard. The only reasonable chance you have of solving these disputes without losing a lot of skin or money is by maintaining a respectful relationship. Voices must not be raised, letters must be kept polite, and sensitivities must be observed. While the discussion can be conducted on a respectful level, there is a reasonable chance of resolution, or at the very least, some sort of grudging compromise. As soon as someone gets upset and starts shouting abuse or name-calling, it all goes to the dogs. The disrespected neighbour will stop trying to make an effort to appease the complainant, will retreat behind their fence, door, or battlelines, insist on their rights to do as they please, and start dissing the complainant in return. Pretty soon, it is all-out protracted war, and there are no winners. In fact many personalities will indulge in lose-lose behaviour at this point for example, turning their music up loud not because they want to, but just to antagonise and score points (seek respect through a demonstration of power). The attitude is 'If youre not going to offer me any respect, Ill damn well show you that you need to respect me, because I can make life hell for you if you dont '. This relationship then takes the form of rivals, where each disrespects the other, and no constructive progress can be made, without resorting to environments where respect is enforced that is, mediated meetings, or legal proceedings. Keeping up with the Joneses A somewhat less destructive (though often expensive) form of neighbourly competition is the ubiquitous compulsion to 'keep up with the Joneses' next door. This is a variant of the 'status anxiety' compulsion discussed above. Mr Smith and his family can be perfectly happy in their cosy little three-bedroom house with a Holden sedan in the garage and a beaut ping-pong table set-up on the back patio. As long as the Joneses next door have roughly the same, that is. However if Mr (or Mrs) Jones scores a big promotion or inherits a windfall and starts conspicuous consumption, things can start to get uncomfortable. Suddenly there is a big shiny black 4WD parked ostentatiously in the driveway next door, and an extension is going on to the Jones residence in the form of a home cinema/media room/games room with a big plasma screen and a pool table. Gradually the low old brick wall and geraniums out front of the Jones place are replaced with a high, Tuscan-style, rendered wall, with exotic potted plants placed professionally in the stylish nooks. Suddenly Mr Smith doesnt feel so happy and content even though he has actually lost nothing material. He listens to his wife admiring the big new car next door, and notices his kids no longer playing ping pong any more they just want to go next door to play games on the Joneses big screen. Mr Smith feels he has lost some respect. He no longer feels he is providing everything
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that his family needs. He feels that his family and home and car now 'dont match up' to the Joneses. He feels under pressure to keep up. Poor old Mr Smith now has several choices: 1. He can try to 'live up' to the Joneses standards. This will be expensive, wasteful, and probably futile. He will feel resentful for having to spend endlessly to keep up, and will live constantly in fear of having to keep stepping up further to keep up appearances. This is a common, but poor choice. He can try to 'bring the Joneses down' to his level. This typically involves disparaging the neighbour as a pretentious jerk/show-off or resorting to destructive behaviour like scratching the new car to force it to be garaged out of sight, and to 'teach him a lesson for showing off'. This is also a very poor choice, yet a disappointingly common response. He can move to another (less affluent) neighbourhood, where his family will be the ones with the best car, and the neatest yard. This involves swallowing some pride in the short term, and may seem somewhat extreme, but it is actually quite a rational, viable and effective choice. The cash left over from the downsizing can be used to purchase a few status symbols at the new residence, if and when another arms race begins in the new street. He can try a more holistic and intellectual approach if he can realise that material possessions are not the sole determinants of status and respect in his neighbourhood or street, and that the neighbour is not a pretentious jerk, but just an average Joe who has had some luck and bought some toys. He could then explain this to his wife and family in a manner they will understand reminding them that a comfortable house and a reliable car is all that is required in the way of material possessions, and that real happiness comes from loving family, friends, shared experiences and personal achievement/fulfilment. As long as the family understands and accepts this, and the neighbour and his family are genuinely likeable and respectable, this will prove to be the best option. The Smiths will not have to join an imaginary arms race, resort to destructive behaviour, or move to another neighbourhood. They will retain a friendship and perhaps share in some of the good fortune of his neighbour.
2.
3.
4.
4.5.6 At Play
Private hobbies Hobbies and pastimes are not something individuals typically begin or undertake in order to gain respect in fact they are often very private activities that are simply indulged in to pass the time between other more public or interactive or paid activities. However it sometimes occurs that respect is gained through these activities after a level of expertise is attained, or the value of a collection increases so that the hobbyist/collector becomes known, recognised, and respected either within a small group of enthusiasts or within a larger community of interest as an expert. This can be immensely satisfying to the individuals concerned, and particularly for individuals whose day-job or primary role in the family or community is not particularly public, visible or appreciated. It is a valuable potential source of self-respect, which depends only on a trusted and well-known group, instead of more fickle audiences such workmates, bosses, or the general public.
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Hobby
Hobbyist
Selfesteem Respect for hobby Mutual Respect Respect for hobby
Hobbyist
Selfesteem Indifference / curiosity
Public P
Circle of Respect
Figure 61 The collector/hobbyist
Public hobbies, occupations or endeavours There are many well-known examples of a personal hobby or pursuit developing into a more public passion or obsession with the achievement of outcomes that would have a high public profile or meet a significant level of success. Some notable and admirable examples are the heroic explorers and adventurers of legend, and some are less worthy World-changing Many individuals throughout world history have forged difficult paths and made significant contributions to humanity. Some examples in different fields of endeavour are: Philosophy: Science: Exploration: Aviation: Politics: Economics: War: Spirituality: Law: Socrates, Epicurus, Thomas Paine, Bertrand Russell Galileo, Copernicus, Newton, Einstein, Darwin, Curie, Hawking Marco Polo, Ernest Shackleton, Christopher Columbus The Wright brothers, Sir Charles Kingsford Smith, Amelia Earheart Martin Luther King Jnr, Gandhi, Nelson Mandela John Stuart Mill, Adam Smith Sun Tzu, Joan of Arc, Winston Churchill The Dalai Lama, John Lennon Bacon, Bentham, Coke, Hart, Blackstone
These historical figures have the unqualified respect of most objective observers who read or hear about their efforts to change or improve the world. World-beating Other individuals or teams strive and achieve not just for themselves but for their country or state. While the results of their efforts typically do not significantly change the world for the better, they generally involve significant personal sacrifice or risk (for little or no financial compensation) for the inspiration, glory or safety of their state or compatriots: Olympic champions
War heroes. These individuals are often held in high regard and feted by the nations they represent, as they are regarded as bringing honour and respect to their country. Life-saving Some lower-profile individuals or teams risk (trade) their own safety not just for themselves, but to benefit other individuals or the community group. The results of their efforts generally do change the world for the better, on an incremental basis, and they generally involve significant personal sacrifice or risk (often for little or no financial compensation) for the safety and well-being of their community: Policemen, Firemen, Emergency Services workers Doctors, Nurses, Social Workers, Lifeguards. These individuals and groups are generally respected by the community, especially during times of danger or disaster. Ego-beating/Chest-beating This category includes less significant attempts at achievements that in many cases are executed largely for personal reasons and make no significant contribution to humanity or the community at large: 'Record-setting sailing trips/flights/swims/walks/cycles Mountain-climbing expeditions Guinness world-record attempts Self-promotion for personal gain Displays of excessive wealth. These activities are often useful in increasing self-esteem, but unless they also involve a charity or fund-raising effort, are generally useless to the community as a whole, and regarded by many as self-centred wastes of time and money. Sometimes these activities are regarded as inspiring, but having the biggest McMansion on the block, or being the 23rd person to climb a certain mountain, or the first person to eat 32 hamburgers in 5 minutes tends to earn respect from a very limited circle of admirers. Volunteering Volunteering, while sometimes initiated or considered as a hobby, is significantly different from hobbyists in that the motivation to participate is not just personal satisfaction. An element of altruism is present. The value contributed to the community significant and more appreciated, and the respect earned is usually from an audience that is less familiar (often complete strangers), and potentially much wider. Consequently the potential for payback in terms of self-esteem (and very often public respect also) is much greater.
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4.6 Cultural / social factors and situational contexts

4.6.1 The Law
Respect for the law is a basic requirement for any civilised society. Thomas Hobbes proposed in xxxix (1651) that the law represents a 'social contract' between an individual and society: Leviathan free men establish political community, that is, civil society through a social contract in which each gains security in return for subjecting himself absolutely to an absolute Sovereign. Jean-Jacques xl Rousseau later argued in Du contrat social (1762) that we gain civil rights in return for accepting the obligation to respect and defend the rights of others, giving up some freedoms to do so. This illustrates the concept of quid pro quo something for something. In this case, the individual gives up some personal freedoms (respects the legitimacy of the law) in return for the personal protection it provides. This respect for the law is seen in the formalities and traditions of the courts made visible in the wigs, the robes, the titles ('Your Honour') and procedures ('All rise ...' , 'Court is now in session') that reinforce the understanding that a very formal and enforceable system of respect is in place which must be honoured, on pain of penalty. Crime and punishment Imprisonment is a common form of sentence imposed by courts of law, when an offender is judged to be guilty of a serious crime. There are several reasons why imprisonment is used. Foremost is safety it removes the offender from the community to protect the law-abiding majority. The second reason is punishment for the criminal, who committed this crime - intended to deter the offender (and others) from committing similar offences. The community must be satisfied that justice is being done that a crime is being punished or else very few people would have respect for the law. It is essential that the law be seen to have teeth, to be an effective safeguard that is worth compromising ones freedom for, under the 'social contract'. Vigilantism The sense of justice is very strong in established societies. If Justice is not seen to be effective, or not likely to be applied, or not seen to provide adequate retribution, then some individuals and groups will seek to undertake their own retribution in the form of vigilantism, where citizens take the law into their own hands. Sometimes this occurs if some members of a community perceive that certain offenders have committed a crime, but not paid the price, for one reason or another. But what is this payment that they are seeking to enforce themselves? Is it a payment of respect? They want the offender(s) to be punished for the crime. But why? There are likely to be a couple of motivations within a group of vigilantes firstly, if the group contains one or more who are actual victims of the crime, there may be a motivation of revenge operating 'an eye for an xli eye' . However the rest of the group is operating under a sense of outrage where their laws have been disrespected, and they are demanding immediate punishment for the offence. Outrageous crimes Looting during times of natural disaster is an example of a crime which particularly inflames community outrage, and commonly results in vigilantism. Victims and observers of these crimes are often at a loss for words to describe the character of these people. Words like low-life, scum, lowest-of-the low, parasites and filth are used, to try to convey the judgement that these people have forfeited absolutely all social respect, and belong at the very bottom of any pecking order. Other acts of crime which are particularly outrageous are those which involve predatory acts of violence against vulnerable members of our society women, children and the elderly. Some crimes (like child abuse) are so particularly despised within societies that offenders even lose the respect of other hardened criminals, and are harshly punished with violence and ostracism by their inmates during incarceration, who maintain their own list of respectable and disrespectable crimes. Jailhouse rules
Correctional facilities are mini-societies with residents forced to live in close and prolonged physical proximity. These environments (and others like them, like military ships crews, sporting teams on tour, live-in boarders at schools, or college/fraternity residents) typically develop special rules: expectations, pecking orders, and values which are peculiar to that environment, and often strictly enforced. The example of pecking orders and expectations in correctional facilities is well xlii documented in movies like The Green Mile (1999) and books like Shantaram . Paedophiles or xliii 'Rock Spiders occupy the lowest rung of the social ladder in the prison system, and are looked down on (and often despised and abused) by many other inmates. These pecking orders are, of course, all based on respect. There is typically a leader within these mini-communities who has the respect (often through fear, but sometimes through genuine admiration) of all the other co-habitants. The leader usually has a small band of respected lieutenants', who help to maintain the order, and then the pecking order continues through a range of levels, right down to the bottom rungs, where new entrants often start, or where members who break the rules or lose respect for others reasons, will end up. 'Understandable crimes Some legal judgements attract a lot of media attention for what seems, on the face of it, to be a lenient sentence. However when all the facts are known, it is often evident that the judge has recognised extreme cases of provocation, that warrant a determination of (say) manslaughter, rather than murder. Consider this recent case:
Chef Jiagen Pan guilty of manslaughter after strangling wife, sawing her into pieces, then entombing her in house
David Murray The Sunday Mailxliv (Qld) July 10, 2011 12:00AM A CHEF strangled his ex-wife, sawed her body into seven pieces and tried to hide her remains - but was found not guilty of murder because she called him a eunuch. Former noodle restaurant owner Jiagen "Jack" Pan was instead found guilty of the lesser charge of manslaughter and jailed for 12 years yesterday. Pan, 45, killed his former wife Linjin "Violet" Cui after an argument at their matrimonial home at Springfield Lakes, west of Brisbane, in August 2009. He was attempting to stuff her dismembered remains into a hallway cavity at his Woodridge home when police arrived, answering the door with a cement trowel in his hand. Pan at first gave away no emotion as jurors returned to Court 13 in the Supreme Court in Brisbane and delivered their verdict just before 12.30pm. Asked by judge John Byrne whether he wanted to say anything, he shook his head and said "no". However, after the court was adjourned, Pan, who had no criminal history, faced the jury and gave a deep bow. Pan had pleaded guilty to manslaughter but not guilty to murder, arguing the partial defence of provocation. During the trial, he told through an interpreter how he went to the Springfield Lakes house to talk to his exwife about their finances and a property settlement. A violent row erupted in which his wife called him a useless "eunuch" and punched him in the mouth, Pan told the court. "She said she had been married to me for many years but she had never had an orgasm with me," he said. Ahead of sentencing, defence barrister Soraya Ryan told the court the term "eunuch" offended Pan on several levels, including its connotation he was a "slave". Pan wanted to convey his "deepest apologies" to the victim's family, Ms Ryan said. Prosecutor Caroline Marco told the court Pan inflicted a sustained beating on his ex-wife before her death, and the treatment of her remains was "callous and macabre". Justice Byrne sentenced Pan to 12 years for manslaughter, with an 18-month sentence for interfering with a corpse. "Your attack on her was brutal, sustained and ultimately lethal," he said. New laws this year made it harder to use provocation as a defence and Premier Anna Bligh yesterday said the government would investigate "any possible further action".
There are several interesting aspects to this case, in terms of the trading of respect. Like me, you may have felt a sense of outrage when reading the headline. How is it possible that this cannot be judged a murder? However after I read some of the relevant details, I understood why the judgement may have been made. Firstly, the court heard that the provocation was of the highest magnitude. Not only did she physically assault him with violent force, but she simultaneously assaulted him psychologically with a series of potent insults, calling him 'useless', a 'eunuch' and scorning his sexual capability and adequacy as a husband. I personally cannot imagine a more offensive, inflammatory and provocative assault. It is a violent and complete humiliation on all levels physically, culturally, personally, emotionally and sexually a violent ripping-away of all levels of self-esteem. I can accept that he may have been profoundly shocked, enraged and temporarily destabilised, apparently to the point of temporary insanity. Secondly, Pan displayed complete respect for the court, the legal process, the judge, the jury and the victims, as far as he could. The respect and remorse appears to have been judged as genuine by the court, and further explains why the judgement and the penalty (although still significant) was not at the higher end of the maximum allowable. I do not want to give the impression I am condoning this crime I am just using the details of this case to illustrate the power of respect to show how powerfully a violent loss of complete selfrespect can destabilise someone to the point where they could perform extraordinary or uncharacteristic acts, and conversely, how genuine shows of respect in a court can purchase a significantly lesser punishment.
4.6.2 Religion
Until the Enlightenment in the 18 century, respect for the state religion and religious officers was taken for granted both assumed and enforced. Dissension or shows of disrespect for the various holy symbols, officers or rules was punished at the very least by disapproval, and quite often by severe punishment or even death. There are many today however who hold little respect for organised religion, religious texts or religious institutions. These are considered by the irreligious as at best a misguided waste of time, and at worst (in the case of the Abrahamic religions), misogynistic, misleading, and destructively delusional. Critics of the Old Testament note that it is filled with bizarrely inconsistent descriptions of God loving with one hand, and smiting spitefully with the other, and that the New Testament is similarly inconsistent filled with stories of implausible events, grandiose promises, and odd instructions on how we must live our lives in order to avoid purgatory or eternal hellfire. These books appear to many to deserve no more respect than childrens fairy tales. Of course, one should respect anyones right to choose and practice a religion, as long as it does not bother or harm others. Buddhism is an example of a relatively harmless religion. However it is hard for many to believe in, let alone respect, an invisible God who seems to do nothing, say nothing, and prevent no evil in the rather imperfect world that he/she supposedly created. It just doesnt add up, in the opinion of many rational observers. None of us having been here at the beginning, we must admit the possibility that there may have once been (and may still be) a god, somewhere. This is the Deistic worldview. However if it is a god that doesnt actually do anything, then it is (in a most literal sense) practically useless, and effectively non-existent. In this case, what is there to respect? Regarding the utility of the Christian Bible, the useful content can arguably be reduced to just the one Golden Rule from Matthew 7:12 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you '. This is essentially about showing mutual respect. If everyone on the planet lived by this rule, we would have little need for voluminous holy texts, religions, jihads, wars, churches, police, courts, lawyers, jails, armies, guns, and bombs, and the world would be a rather more pleasant place to exist.
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It is tempting to take the Golden Rule further, by restating it as 'Respect others as you would have them respect you', however this would be rather difficult to live by, as we cannot reliably control what we think. It would be hard to force ourselves to fully respect a delusional lunatic or a fundamentalist nutter, for example, but we certainly can still make the effort to treat them civilly as we would have them treat us. It is evident that there are individuals and groups who perform many acts of good for others, in the name of their religion or God. We can respect these good people for these acts of kindness and self-sacrifice. We can respect them for their conviction, their commitment, their empathy, and their noble intentions, and the many good outcomes they are directly responsible for. It is harder to understand or respect the rather odd decision to credit someone or something else for the good work that they themselves perform directly, however we can still maintain a net positive respect for genuine believers who do no harm, and produce many positive social outcomes in a community. At the same time, we can observe that there are many in non-religious organisations, and many who are not religious at all, and not even in organisations, who perform equal acts of kindness and social assistance. The concept of god, or a church, is not a necessary ingredient for the doing of good. We need only do unto others as we would have them do unto us. Indoctrination of children the implanting of undeserved respect It is generally accepted that the first few years of a childs life are when they are at their most trusting, credulous, and impressionable. It is also a fact that millions of children are being taught to respect and recite religious dogma each day of their young lives in family homes, church-run schools and madrasahs all over the world. It is of course well-intentioned, however closer, it seems to me, to subtle child-abuse to be teaching children absurdities like the story of Adam and Eve as fact, and repeating terrifying stories of worldwide floods, invisible judges in the sky, and eternal hellfire. Encouragingly, some children reject this nonsense and go on to make their own rational judgements. I remember quite clearly sitting in Sunday School when I was six or seven, listening to a doddering old man in a frock telling me that I would go to hell if I didnt accept the Lord' into my life and say my prayers every night. I remember thinking that it was all just too silly for words, and I remember looking around me, wide-eyed, to see if everyone else believed this stuff. I was astonished to realise that some were swallowing it whole. I cant explain why so many millions of people are so much more credulous than I. I can only observe that institutionalised religion is a comfortable (until you sin and go to Hell), optimistic and widely-held delusion that survives with sheer weight of numbers, supported by the continuous and systematic brainwashing of our youth. It surprises me, it fascinates me, and it disappoints me. I guess its just human nature. I respect the right of anyone to choose an optimistic belief system, but I do not necessarily respect their choice, and I absolutely condemn the indoctrination of children into organised religion. Intolerance and religious texts It is an odd and amusing fact that the 'weight of numbers' argument is self-defeating with respect to the monotheistic religions. Many millions of believers maintain that their particular god, idol, or brand of optimism is the one and only yet with primary-school logic we must concede that only one of these groups, at most, can be right, and therefore at least the majority, and very possibly the entirety, must be rather seriously misinformed. However the faith of a fundamentalist believer appears to be unshakeable. Neither logic, lack of evidence, or hard contradictory evidence can dent or diminish the firm convictions of fundamentalists, and when their holy texts are ignored, ridiculed, criticised or otherwise disrespected, it is interpreted as a direct attack on their invisible God, and all hell breaks loose. In 1079, Vratislaus, who later became the king of Bohemia, asked the permission of Pope xlv Gregory VII to translate the Bible into the language of his subjects . The Popes answer was 'no'. He stated: 'It is clear to those who reflect upon it, that not without reason has it pleased Almighty God that holy scripture should be a secret in certain places, lest, if it were plainly apparent to all
men, perchance it would be little esteemed and be subject to disrespect; or it might be falsely understood by those of mediocre learning, and lead to error'. The Catholic Church was so intent on keeping the Bible exclusively in Latin to preserve its respect that according to Foxes History xlvi of Christian Martyrdom , a Spaniard named Julian Hernandez who smuggled Spanish-language bibles into Spain was betrayed, and seized by the Catholic Inquisition. Those for whom the bibles were destined 'were all indiscriminately tortured, with most of them sentenced to various punishments. Juliano was burnt, twenty five were roasted on spits, several imprisoned for life, some were publicly whipped, many sent to the galleys'. Even in the 21 century, cartoons of The Prophet' printed in newspapers, and threats from Christian fundamentalists to publicly burn copies of the Koran have driven Islamic fundamentalists to mass demonstrations, and insane fits of fatal violence insisting that their religion and their God has been insulted and their religion disrespected. Clearly for some at least, religion is all about respect. Servility and Arrogance The whole gamut of respect is represented between the extremes of the hierarchy within mainstream monotheistic religions. At one end we have demeaning servility (regarding oneself as the inferior to others) represented at the extreme by nuns in Catholicism, and more generally by the female gender in Islam. At the other end we have institutionalised arrogance (thinking oneself superior to others) in the form of revered and respected Popes, Mullahs or Imams.
st
Object of worship
Religious respect for object of worship Servile worship Alleged perfection / purity / goodness / truth / knowledge
Worshipper
Positive self-esteem gained through good deeds helping the poor, etc. Negative self-esteem accumulated from perceived Sins impure thoughts, selfish thoughts, white lies, failure of duty...
Strict instruction on how to live / eat / work / procreate / play
Biblical disrespect for fallen mankind
Figure 62 Servility in religion The poor old nuns have an impossibly high ideal to live up to, and predictably, through their honest recognition of their human failings, are forever feeling the weight of duty to improve themselves to an unattainable level. Consequently, as long as they maintain this destructive belief, they will remain in a state of servitude. Any self-respect they can manage to build up though genuinely good deeds is perpetually weighed down by the dread and fear of the very human thoughts of selfish desires that will naturally cross their minds, and be immediately recognised as impure/unholy. It is a clever piece of social engineering by the Catholic Church which is replicated to various degrees very effectively in other religious orders and institutions, to maintain absolute control over devotees. This model of control is so successful that it is used not only in convents, but right through the fabric of certain religions in churches, mosques, schools, and even in private, through the mechanism of the Bible or the Koran, which preaches and reinforces the imperative of servility.
At the other end of the spectrum is the arrogance of certain religious leaders, who profess to speak on behalf of their invisible men in the sky, and issue instructions and directions on how subjects and devotees should live their lives including not just how to abstain from natural and pleasurable physical pursuits, but what to think, and how to punish ones self when one thinks the wrong thoughts. Notorious examples are cult leaders like Jim Jones (the Peoples Temple) or David Koresh (the Branch Davidians), whose extremism has led to the loss of life of hundreds of faithful devotees. The Catholic popes are a more conservative, but more lethal example, whose repeated prohibitions on the use of condoms has led directly to many thousands of instances of misery, despair and death through preventable occurrences of abortions and diseases like AIDS. This is not only misleading and deceptive practice, but repellent, obscene arrogance. It is abuse of respect. Religious Leader
Supreme selfesteem (arrogance) as holy / infallible administrator of purity / goodness / truth / knowledge Servile worship Respect for Leaders
Worshipper
Self-esteem gained through compliance
Disrespect for fallible followers
Pressure (duty) to do Gods work
Negative self-esteem accumulated from perceived Sins impure thoughts, selfish thoughts, failures of compliance
Figure 63 Arrogance in religion It is ignoring the empowering message of the Bible which encourages independent practice of natural respect for others ('Do unto others as you would have them do unto you') and instead promoting the disempowering messages of unnatural respect for institutionalised authority figures who demand obedience, servility, fear and punishment. Martyrs The concept of the 'martyr' has evolved over time from a relatively harmless label, in Christianity, to (more recently) a deadly motivation for some extremist followers of Islam. At first (in Christianity), the term applied to Apostles . Once Christians started to undergo persecution, the term came to be applied to those who suffered hardships for their faith. Finally, it was restricted to those who had been killed for their faith. The early Christian period before Constantine was the 'classic' age of martyrdom. A martyr's death was considered a 'baptism in blood', cleansing one of sin as baptism in water did. Early Christians venerated [respected] martyrs as powerful intercessors, and their utterances were treasured as inspired especially by the Holy Spirit. In Islam, it has come to mean one who 'dies for Allah', and in particular it has come to be understood in the West as the motivation for Islamic fundamentalist suicide bombers, who believe that the reward for killing themselves (along with as many unbelievers as possible) will be martyrdom eternal grace, and/or seventy-two virgins in heaven. Many suicide bombers state before their acts of violence that they hope to bring honour and respect to their families, when they are gone. They trade their lives on earth for respect in heaven, and respect for their families on earth. For these individuals, its all about respect.
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Gaia Some individuals, though not theistically religious, believe the whole earth is (or should be regarded as) a single, living, connected organism, to be respected (and sometimes worshipped, depending on the particular brand of belief) as 'Mother Earth' or 'Mother Nature'. In much the same way that athletes respect their body as the source of their competitive advantage, and health-conscious individuals respect their body as the sole repository of continuing good health, Gaia believers preach that we need to show more respect to the Earth by not plundering her renewable resources, choking her atmosphere, destroying her habitats and biodiversity; and scarring the surface of the planet with man-made constructions like dams, highways, cities and monocultures. Although this recommended showing of respect is not strictly a social transaction, it does have social value.
Gaia
Believer
Selfesteem Respect for Earth Mutual Respect Respect for Earth
Believer
Selfesteem Indifference / curiosity
Public
Circle of Respect
Figure 64 Respect for 'Mother Earth' When a believer pays respect to Gaia (for example, by supporting environmentally friendly organisations or products, by voting for green parties, or installing solar panels) they are signalling their belief that some short term expense now is worth investing in, to prevent longerterm deterioration of the health of the planet. These visible acts of investment in the health of the Gaia organism earn respect from not just other believers, but also from those who simply believe that we need to take care of our natural environment. In short, one can earn 'green cred' by having solar panels on the roof or driving an electric car. The attraction of this credibility is often enough in itself (even for those who are privately climate change sceptics) to attract many to make green investments just to be able to wear a visible badge of green credibility.
4.6.3 Politics
This support for green groups brings us to an examination of how the concept of respect can be used for political gain. The Respect agenda was launched in September 2005 by Tony Blair in the United Kingdom. Tony Blair described it as being about 'putting the law abiding majority back in charge of their communities'. Its aim was to help central government, local agencies, local communities and citizens to work together to tackle anti-social behaviour more effectively. Blair had earlier (1997) declared in a Labour Party conference that 'the new welfare state must encourage work not dependency' in arguing for 'compassion with a hard edge'. The sociologist Richard Sennett, in his xlix 2003 book Respect: The Formation of Character in a World of Inequality commented with respect to Blairs speech that 'The hard human edge which eschews neediness and emphasises
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self-sufficiency brings respect in the eyes of others and breeds self-respect'. In a speech in 2006, Tony Blair acknowledged the work of Sennett in shaping his ideas and reforms. In 2007 it was reported that the government of Gordon Brown had effectively ended the Respect program by closing down the Respect Task Force and moving its head to another job inside the Cabinet Office. However, much of the Respect agenda was incorporated into a Youth Taskforce Action Plan in the Department for Children, Schools and Families. The Respect Party. Another use of the concept was by the eccentric former UK Labour M.P. George Galloway, who won a seat at the UK general election of 2005 in the constituency of Bethnal Green and Bow an l ethnically diverse part of London under the banner of the 'Respect' Party (setup in 2004) which stands for peace, publicly owned services and a decent future for all, being opposed to war, privatisation and unemployment. The two instances above are examples of the appropriation of the concept of respect as the theme for a political party. It is evidence of the emotional pulling power of the actual word used by shrewd politicians as a cultural appeal to the masses based on the widely-acknowledged role of respect as a core value of British society.
4.6.4 Western culture

Language Our language is full of expressions which revolve around the concept of respect we examine a few below which demonstrate the real value that respect has within various cultures, generations, and social environments. 'Show some respect!' This demand is typically uttered by an elder towards a younger person in a situation where an observance or payment of respect is expected, yet not received. In this case, it is an unambiguous and hostile demand for payment. An example would be a war veteran chastising a young person who answers a mobile phone during the playing of The Last Post at a war memorial service. 'Respect your elders!' This phrase is again a demand for payment even more unambiguous and directorial explicitly naming the object worthy of respect. This phrase is often used by parents scolding their children for not being polite or deferential to their grandparents, elder relations or senior community members. It is part of the education process for children, who must learn when payments of respect are expected in social situations. 'Wheres the respect?' Often uttered agape, with arms out wide, and palms facing out indicating a genuine question from a position of surprise. Sometimes said with a touch of humour, so as not to show disrespect in return, but nevertheless conveying the message that a social transaction has just occurred sans the required respect. An example might be a junior soccer player running up behind his coach to pants him during an informal training session. This response from the coach maintains the humorous spirit of the moment, but contains an element of caution, as if to say 'Okay, that was funny, but it wont be funny if it happens again'. 'Ive got a lot of time for Jane ' a guarded, yet unambiguous declaration of respect for someone, especially for an equal or inferior within a social or professional structure. It avoids the discomfort of an explicit and formal declaration of respect for a junior, yet conveys the message of qualified respect well. It is often used by bosses, referring to a talented employee without conceding equality, or by an individual making a qualified payment of respect to a social peer. The clever part of this phrase, and why it is often used instead of simply saying 'I respect Jane' is that it implies that the speaker deserves respect also because their time is valuable. It is a payment of respect where the speaker also pays themselves a little on the side. 'I rate him, man.' This is a cool way of saying 'I respect him', typically used by teenagers. This achieves the same aims as the previous example, but in a more casual social situation. While the statement is clearly a payment of respect to another, it also contains a claim for self-respect, with
the use of the slang word rate, and the implication that the speakers opinion or rating is of significant value. 'Yo dissin me, Man?' (Slang USA meaning are you disrespecting me?) This is a challenge, often issued with a frown and in a hostile tone, when a social transaction has occurred (or not occurred) without the expected payment of respect. It is a very clear demand for a payment of respect in the form of an apology or explanation, and without a deferential response, will result in an escalation to an argument or conflict, to settle the matter of who should be respecting whom. 'Were not worthy!' A memorable line from the popular film Waynes World (Paramount Pictures, 1992) that has entered the common language as an enthusiastic term of group worship for a highly respected idol. 'Respeck' - In the black-dominated parts of British cities, respect or, as they tend to call it, respeck is very much part of the culture, especially among the young, and the gangs. It is a clever mangling of the word (using a deliberately-different spelling and pronunciation) that appropriates and legitimises the (rather stuffy) concept of respect for common vernacular use within this particular sub-culture allowing its use by youth and gangs to in a cool and more subsocially accepted manner. It is a good demonstration of how ubiquitous the concept is, among all social groups. In this case, the sub-culture needed a word to express the concept, but the word respect had been claimed by the over-class for use in formal/stuffy/professional circles. The invention of a sub-cultural variant (through necessity) is evidence of the inherent need to use, express and communicate the concept in all social circles. Sport The UEFA (Union of European Football Associations) launched a Respect campaign in 2008. The Respect campaign, which features prominently at UEFA competitions and events, was launched ahead of the UEFA EURO 2008 tournament in Austria and Switzerland.
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Figure 65 UEFA Respect Campaign Photo Sergii Lysenchuk UEFA president Michel Platini said at the unveiling: 'Respect is a global word that is readily understood in many languages. And so is football. The European Championship is a sporting and media event with global exposure and it is important to use it to transmit strong social, civic and humanitarian messages.' The Respect campaign dovetails with programmes aimed at combating violence, racism, xenophobia and homophobia as well as fan support, intercultural dialogue, the environment and humanitarian relief. 'The aim is to promote a sense of social responsibility," the UEFA president added, "based not only on respect for opponents and match officials but also for rival supporters, national anthems, flags, tournaments and football.'
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The English FA (Football Association) launched its own Respect liii liv campaign in 2011 complete with a virtual Respect FC where supporters can join the club and support the cause. The campaign has filtered right down to local level where individual clubs support and promote the message.
These campaigns show that at least in English and European Football, its all about respect.
4.6.5 Eastern culture

Saving face / losing face The concept of face is Chinese in origin, and intimately associated with the concept of social respectability / status. lianshang (lit. face on/above) "one's face; honour; respect lv lianmian (lit. face face) face; self-respect; prestige; influence. 'Face' is the respectability and/or deference which a person can claim for himself from others, by virtue of the relative position he occupies in his social network and the degree to which he is judged to have functioned adequately in that position as well as acceptably in his general lvi conduct. (Ho 1975:883) 'Face' is sociologically universal. People 'are human', Joseph Agassi and I. C. Jarvie (1969) believe, 'because they have face to care for without it they lose human dignity.' [lose face]. Ho elaborates: The point is that face is distinctively human. Anyone who does not wish to declare his social bankruptcy must show a regard for face: he must claim for himself, and must extend to others, some degree of compliance, respect, and deference in order to maintain a minimum level of effective social functioning. While it is true that the conceptualization of what constitutes face and the rules governing face behavior vary considerably across cultures, the concern for face is invariant. Defined at a high level of generality, the concept of face is a universal. (1976:881-2) This concept of declaring social bankruptcy mentioned by Ho ties in well with our model of self respect balances with the bankruptcy occurring when ones self-respect falls below the zero balance line. East Asian culture Respect is a very important element of Japanese culture evident in the many elaborate rituals that have evolved around certain social situations. The most obvious of these is the custom of bowing when greeting others the degree of bowing being greater for more respected elders. Bows are the traditional greeting in East Asia, particularly in Japan, Korea, Taiwan, Nepal and Vietnam. However, bowing is not reserved only for greetings. Bowing is a general gesture of respect. Different bows are used for apologies and gratitude, to express different emotions, humility, sincerity, remorse, or deference, and in various traditional arts and religious ceremonies.
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Bowing is particularly important in religious worship (in particular, Japanese Zen Buddhism), and in the Japanese Tea Ceremony where an elaborate sequence of bows is performed at several different stages of the ceremony by all the participants. Similar ritualistic displays are required for other Japanese social situations like the exchange of business cards, and the formalities involved in sumo and the martial arts. Muslim culture Bowing is also an integral part of worship in Islam in particular sajdah or sujud, the prostration to God in the direction of the Kaaba at Mecca which is usually completed during the daily prayers (salah). Interestingly, the Quran states that it is a sin to bow to anyone but Allah, and this is generally observed in Muslim culture. Islam states that it is the responsibility of each individual to treat all of creation with respect, honour and dignity. The most deserving of respect is the Creator Himself. Respect begins with loving and obeying the commandments of God and from this respect flow all the manners and lviii standards of morality that are inherent in Islam . And whosoever obeys God and His Messenger, fears God, and keeps his duty (to Him), such are the successful ones. (Quran 24:52) Fear of God The concept of fear of God stated in the quote above is common to many religions, and has always seemed odd to me. It implies that respect is due to a Deity principally out of fear, not out of admiration. That so many people around the world choose to subscribe to a religion with fear as a central (binding) concept is puzzling understandable perhaps only by analogy to the fact that most religious faithful are born into a religion like citizens born into a society controlled through fear by a despot where there really is no free and informed choice. Respect through fear is instructed, and in the absence of any other safe or socially acceptable option, is accepted and complied with, just as children learn to live with respect for their parents, though fear of a smack, or some other method of unpleasant punishment. Indigenous culture A feature of those societies that live closest to nature in particular nomadic tribes is a deep and spiritual respect for the land. The Aboriginal inhabitants of Australia lived in a close symbiotic relationship with the land for more than 40,000 years before the white invaders arrived, during that time developing rich cultures of myth and legend based around the animal spirits, and spirits of the land, the sea and the sky. Things sacred in these cultures are not people, or symbols, or holy texts, but places. The land is everything to them, and is respected as a mother and provider. Another common feature of indigenous cultures is a very strong respect for elders. In groups or communities living off the land, traditional knowledge is enormously valuable to survival, and without books, the sole repositories of this knowledge are the experienced adults and particularly the elders of the community. In developed societies, many elders still possess large and valuable amounts of specialised knowledge, but much of this knowledge is now alternately accessible in books or through digital media often literally from the palm of the hand. The elders have lost their status as the exclusive repository of valuable knowledge. There is no longer the need to pay respect to elders to access information. In developed societies, we only need pay a broadband access fee to access more information than we can absorb in a lifetime. In this case, one currency is replacing another.
4.6.6 Professions
Prostitution The oldest profession has always copped a lot of negative press, and sometimes with good reason. In many countries it is illegal, and in those where it is legal it is poorly regulated, and often associated with drugs, crime, and exploitation. However there are instances of clean, safe, legal brothels which pride themselves on good service and professionalism. They are in all objective respects legitimate businesses which perform a valuable social service and help to redistribute some wealth from rich to poor. The curious thing is that no matter how well these
establishments are run, there will always be those who judge all brothels (and in particular all lix prostitutes) using their inner Parent or religious world-view as immoral, disrespectable and/or sinful. Liberal or objective observers will be more discerning in their assessment. There are many examples of happy hookers - independent and sexually liberated women who have made an informed decision to enter the profession, are skilled in the trade, earn a good living and sometimes even enjoy their work. I personally have a qualified respect for these individuals. Im sure they have bad clients, and bad days, as we all do, but when a legal profession or trade is freely entered into and responsibly performed, I see little harm being done, and nothing to criticise. There are undoubtedly some in, and associated with the profession who exploit vulnerable young women, convincing or pressuring them to enter or perform services against their desire or better judgement in order to profit from their good looks or insecurity. This is regrettable and sometimes ends sadly. Nevertheless, it is the pimps and profiteers that deserve our condemnation and disrespect, not the individuals who are taken advantage of. In the context of respect as a currency, prostitutes can generally command much higher per-hour wages than respectable professions like waitressing or cleaning, as it is needed to compensate them for the respect they lose in the eyes of society. Again, this demonstrates the equivalence of money and respect. In this case, they are not only providing a service, but they are suffering a loss of respect in the eyes of many community members. Hence a higher monetary compensation is demanded for the transaction. It is the opposite of the dynamic for teachers, nurses and firemen, who accept a lower monetary wage as their role brings increased respect in the eyes of the community. Missionaries and preachers While I can find reason to respect a hard-working prostitute, waitress, sanitation worker or bus driver who provides valuable social or community services, I find it less easy to find or show respect to those in our community who earn a living preaching religious dogma. I know that their intentions are generally good, and that I can respect, but the results of their work are inconsistent, at best. Some members of the community certainly feel inspired, uplifted and supported by the church and the peddlers of religion, and this is incontestably a good thing. However the implications of guilt, sin, subservience and servility that come from the holy texts and the preachers sermons are powerful negative messages that can and do cause much long-term guilt and inner conflict, and in fact contribute a lot to the unfairly negative perceptions of religious individuals towards sex workers, money-lenders, divorcees, and single mothers in our neighbourhoods and communities. In these transactions, the worshippers pay preachers or clergy for religious services; however they also pay respect to their religious idols or symbols, to the church, and to their invisible friend in the sky. What they receive in return for their time, money and respect is not entirely clear to me possibly feelings of comfort, security, and belonging, and/or assurances that they will be received by the Lord into the Kingdom of Heaven. What does seem clear to me is that there does not appear to be a lot of respect flowing visibly back to the worshippers Gods followers are allegedly loved, but not necessarily respected. They are treated as children, lambs, fallen ones, sinners and submitters - and generally regarded by their churches and deities as not worthy, unless or until one can, through extraordinary personal sacrifice, become a nun, an ascetic, a saint or a martyr at which time these persistent will be accorded some respect from God. Its an expensive and somewhat unreliable way to buy respect. Bankers Our modern-day bankers are of course the money-lenders of the bible. Reviled by many as unscrupulous and grasping, they (in particular the big banks) are often the target of complaint. However, as with prostitution, it is not the profession itself that is inherently bad or disrespectable it is the actions of some within it that give it a bad name. The industry is a valuable financial service that keeps the wheels of business running, enables efficient investment and utilisation of available capital, and is a service available freely to all. There are many good and respectable bankers and lenders, who use the capital, resources and skills at their disposal to enable win-win arrangements with clients.
However there exist some obscenely overpaid, arrogant banking executives who feel no shame in driving hard for win-lose outcomes with their clients. Profit for their banks, fuel for their egos, and fat bonuses for their pockets, appear to be their prime motivations. They do not appear to subscribe to the Golden Rule 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'. It is this selfish, predatory behaviour, from a position of market power that is immoral and disrespectable, which gives a bad name to bankers. In commercial transactions with banks, there is little room for trust or respect. It is pretty much all about money, process and security. It has to be. In general, the banks dont respect their customers, and their customers dont respect them. It is simply naked adversarial capitalism. Only when there is some element of cooperation, community or culture still involved (for example, mutual societies, community banks, the local bank manager in a small community, or sharia lenders) is there still room for transactions incorporating elements of trust or respect.
Politicians In many peoples books, politicians are credited with even less respect than fat bankers and happy hookers. I have always thought it a little unfair to tar all politicians with the same brush. It is my observation that most begin their political careers with idealistic and noble intentions to represent their community, and serve diligently and honestly at the beginning of their representative careers. However many find that the reality of hard politics and rat-cunning opponents destroys their optimism and idealism. It is often necessary for political survival to make decisions that are popular in the short-term yet irresponsible in the long-term. Many are unable or unwilling to make unpopular decisions, even if it is objectively the right thing to do. Furthermore, some are compromised or corrupted as they rise to power, so by the time they gain widespread visibility, their shiny gloss is usually somewhat tarnished and they lose respect from sections of the community or broad voter demographics. It is sometimes possible for tarnished politicians, once they have reached positions of power, to buy back some respect from the electorate, with investment (or promises to invest) in infrastructure or social improvements that will win some respect as suggested in this article in The Age, shortly after the federal Labour Treasurer Wayne Swan gave his 2011 budget address:
Deep cuts may inoculate against future pain - Ross Gittins, May 11, 2011
So why is a government that is travelling so badly in the polls, and without a majority in either house, proposing so many unpopular measures? Because there's nothing like having your back to the wall to focus the mind. This government, in both its incarnations, got nowhere trying to be popular and to avoid offending anyone who matters. What it desperately needs is respect. The way lx to win it is to be seen as willing to make the hard decisions needed to secure our future.
This is a good example of a trade-off the hard in hard decisions means that there will be unpopularity with some voters, who will feel some immediate pain. The intent is that more voters will appreciate (through the help of informed analysts and political commentators in the media) that this short-term pain is necessary for longer term gain. In an educated and well-informed society, enough voters will respect governments (politicians) who make longer-term strategic decisions, even if there is some short-term cost. In a less educated or disciplined electorate, however, the government will simply be punished for such responsible decisions. Both trust and respect are large factors in the results of elections. Politicians know this, and many of their decisions are tradeoffs between money, respect, trust and practical expediency. Financial advisors, con men, and real estate agents When I was young I had a financial advisor, who I trusted simply because he sounded like he knew what he was talking about. He sold me a real estate investment at an inflated price, and presumably pocketed a fat commission. I was fooled once shame on me. Having learnt that lesson, I have not used one since, and now do my own research and investing. The industry has been cleaned up somewhat since the 1980s, and I am reasonably confident that I could now find an advisor with integrity if I needed one, though I carry with me a lingering tinge of caution (if not disrespect), for the profession. The whiff about the profession is due in large part to the very blurry lines in many peoples minds between financial advisors, con men, and real estate agents. I have not been burnt by the latter two, yet many have. I have personally observed the lack of
integrity of many real estate agents, and the prime-time current affairs shows are full of stories of rip-off by spruikers, con men, and real estate agents. They are not generally highly-respected in any communities, and with good reason. Most real estate agents do not enter the profession with idealistic and noble intentions to diligently represent their community (as do many young politicians) but simply to 'make a lot of money, quickly'. It shows, in their late-model cars, in their shiny suits, and in their willingness to sacrifice community respect (and sometimes personal integrity) for personal wealth. It is a choice that many of us make consciously or unconsciously. Respect or money? Many of us choose careers like nursing or teaching where we do not expect to be well paid, yet can be confident of a generally high level of community respect. Others choose a more mercenary path well aware that their circles of respect are likely to be richer, though perhaps a little smaller. Why the choice? Because respect is like money. Some choose to be paid in respect; some choose to be paid in money. There are some occupations that are both well-respected and highlypaid (doctor, airline pilot) though there are high barriers to entry many years and the high cost of study and training. Car salesmen The dreaded car salesman is one of the least trusted professions on the planet although I personally do not find them to be as duplicitous and mercenary as real estate agents. The stakes (commissions) for each sale are generally somewhat smaller, the turnover a little higher, and the customer is more able to objectively judge the value of the product, by comparing prices for the same or similar model car at other dealerships. Sometimes I really have felt like the salesman was there to help me. I dont find it difficult to respect a hard-working car salesmen who will spend the time listening to my needs and explaining how different choices may meet those needs, and who will endure hard negotiation over extras/discounts/colours, so that in the end I almost believe him when he is forced to sell at a price where he is 'not making any money at all!' on the sale. This is a mercenary profession, like banking, where the participants are paid exclusively in money. There is no solid base of trust or respect to rely on. As the banks require contracts to protect both parties, so the car dealers require contracts, warranties and guarantees to support the transactions.
4.6.7 War
The Salute - respect due to rank. Saluting is a military custom by which a soldier signals acknowledgement of the due respect to a superior rank. Salutes are reciprocated at the highest levels up to and including Heads of State and are indicative of a feeling of mutual trust and respect. The exact origin of the military salute has been lost in time but it is believed that it originated by showing that the right hand (the fighting hand) was not concealing a weapon. Another explanation is that when men-at-arms took to wearing armour, the approaching generals or king would ride forward and, holding the reins of the horse with the left hand, they would raise the visor with the right to identify each other. By the beginning of the nineteenth century, the salute with the hand lxi palm to the front was firmly established . Respect between peers (i.e. soldiers, at rank) is not formal, and not automatic. It must be earned. Respect earned in battle In Greek society, a warriors self-esteem depended on what his peers thought of him; and what they thought of him depended on how bravely he fought. The real coercion came from the fear of lxii being despised by fellow fighters and of losing ones reputation as a man among other men. Homer's Iliad discusses a driving force called honour A Hero will not court death indeed it in no way increases the honour to be killed. He will lxiii not fight for his country, nor for his leader; but he will die rather than lose face.
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Honour is about respect, and 'losing face' is (as described in an earlier chapter) about losing respect. 'Self-esteem' and 'reputation are other words used to convey the value of feeling respected, and being respected amongst peers. This sentiment has been reflected in more recent times with Australian soldiers who received the Victoria Cross in the 2010 / 2011 Afghanistan and Iraq wars, explaining that their heroic battlefield actions were simply because they 'could not let their mates down' when courageous action was required under heavy fire. Would these soldiers risk their lives just for money? Most wouldnt. I know I wouldnt. Young men and women do not join the armed forces to make a lot of money. Those individuals have already gone into real estate or banking. They join because of the attraction of belonging (and really belonging) to a well-respected, cohesive force of disciplined, uniformed, highly-trained soldiers, who respect their flag, respect their senior officers, respect each other, and can rely on each other. Wars are rarely about money. The massive cost of war soon negates any perceived financial advantages. Only small wars like the drug wars in Columbia can be fought with some prospect of attaining or maintaining a financial pay-off. Politicians or leaders never justify going to war with a return-on-investment proposal. They know that soldiers will not fight bravely and loyally for money. War is rarely the best rational response to a situation. It is more often an emotional response around the big issues of power, freedom and respect. It is always about some combination of the following big three reasons: 1. Territory (security and power) - the most common reason for war in pre-industrial times 2. Religion (respect for ones god) - the most common cause of war since the birth of Christianity 3. Ideology / Politics / Freedom (self-respect) - the common reason for war in postenlightenment times.
Ideology / Freedom (Self-respect) Religion Territory
First social groups
0 B.C. Christianity
1700 A.D.Enlightenment and the French revolution
today
Figure 66 Causes of war, through history
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It is interesting to map these macro motivators of large social groups to the individual motivators of Maslows hierarchy of needs:
Ideology / Freedom (Self-respect)
Religion (Respect for ones god)
Territory
Figure 67 Causes of war mapped against Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Food, Safety, and Security (all provided by established territory) were the first primary motivator for group conflicts between human social groups, and remained so, right up until modern times, when migration, globalisation and the ability to transport food en masse began to reduce the desperate desire for more physical territory. Once social groups had established enough secure territory; traditions, custom and religious power could start to flourish. Leaders of large social groups soon found that the most effective mechanism for establishing respect, loyalty and blind obedience among the population was the invention or adopting a religion, where the leader assumed or declared holy authority on behalf of an almighty God. This proved so successful that most tribes and nations encouraged religion almost by necessity, as those that did not would have remained vulnerable to the highly religiously motivated and divinely blessed armies of god. With territories established, whole societies now could afford the luxury of fighting and killing each other over arguments about which invisible god must be worshipped. Religious wars continue to this day in the form of large-scale, protracted conflicts in the Holy Land, the Balkans, Afghanistan and Iraq, on a shifting, amorphous, distributed basis (jihads, and Bushs 'War on Terror') and on a smaller scale within cities (riots and terrorist attacks in Paris, Belfast, New York) and communities (demonstrations against religious headwear, the building of mosques, or Christian chaplains in schools). I doubt religious conflict will ever end, while large and powerful groups maintain their dogmatic beliefs about their different invisible gods. The third motivator for war I have grouped as 'Ideology/Politics/Freedom' and characterised as representing the desire for self-respect (at a collective or national level). What I mean by this is best represented by the examples of the two World Wars, the French and American Revolutions, the Vietnam War, the Cold War. None of these were about religion. The revolutions were about the loss of respect for the obsolete concepts of hereditary monarchy and foreign sovereignty the unwillingness of the people to be ruled by those they judged as unworthy, un-entitled, unrepresentative, and unelected.
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The two World Wars were about politics and power, about sovereign insecurity, fear and the pride of nations where the desire for more power and glory (respect at a national level) from nations like Germany and Japan resulted in arrogant acts of aggression, and the predictable responses from nations that had their borders, treaties or sense of security violated. The Vietnam War and the Cold War were about ideology, and the Wests fear of the spread of communism. These two conflicts are interesting to analyse in terms of respect the US found itself in an unwinnable war in Vietnam, yet prolonged the quagmire for many years as it could not bear the loss of national self-respect that would come with defeat/withdrawal. Conversely, the Cold War never actually came down to punches as both superpowers (thankfully) shared a mutual respect for the indiscriminately destructive potential of a full-scale nuclear conflict. American attitudes in war lxiv Reproduced here an article which directly supports the central thesis of this book of respect as a currency. It was published in 2010 on the website 'War in Context' in response to a 2006 lxv commentary by Rory Stewart on the American-led coalitions lack of trust in local politicians in Afghanistan. The article is by Paul Woodward and is titled Respect The Currency of infinite Value
Underneath the lack of trust that Stewart correctly identified, is a more fundamental issue: the hubris of power. We have the guns, the cash, and represent the most powerful nation on Earth. You need to respect us but we really dont need to respect you. Respect is something we expect but will also on occasions dish out if or when it seems expedient. Americans, shaped by a culture that tends to place a higher value on power than anything else, are inclined to view respect as simply an element in a power equation. In one situation respect might seem essential, in another merely useful, and in yet another it can be dispensed with. Rarely is it held up as the most vital component in all human relationships. After President Obama showed up in Kabul just over a week ago, President Karzai showed his uninvited guest and paymaster the courtesy of inviting him to dinner. Obama, the New York Times tells us, returned the courtesy with a thank-you note. It was a respectful letter, General James Jones, Obamas national security adviser told reporters. The significance of this incident, supposedly, is that it signals an overdue change in tone as the administration registers that its repeated admonitions of the Afghan president have proved counterproductive. Ironically, an American president whose arrival in office was supposed to herald an historic shift in Americas approach to the world one which would reinstate the value of soft power has been a surprisingly clumsy diplomat. So, if the White House now understands that it must not underestimate the value of respectfulness, thats a good thing but lets not pretend a thank-you note is all it takes. Respect is one of those words we use so often we rarely pause to consider its meaning. It describes an attitude, yet its Latin root, specere, to look, indicates that this is really a form of attention. To be respectful is to attentively incline oneself towards the other in recognition of their autonomy and integrity. There is no one we can respect and simultaneously try to change. When we coerce or manipulate someone, we cannot respect them because our attention is focused not on them but on what we want. If one views respect as a resource, nowhere is it generally more scarce than among the powerful. The conceit of power is that power elicits respect, when in truth the tokens of respect bestowed on the powerful are rarely more than expressions of fear, envy or duty.
(Hence an underlying paranoia haunts the powerful: they know they are the beneficiaries of a social investment that could, if things turn sour, be swiftly withdrawn.) Respect is not the fruit of power, but on the contrary, it is a self-propagating virtue that becomes mirrored through its own expression. Meanwhile, behind what might sound like an overly abstract reflection on respect, another topic floating in the background is Israel, since if one drills to the core of the Middle East conflict, it cannot be reduced to land or religion. Its about respect. Can Jews who claimed their birthright by dispossessing hundreds of thousands of Palestinians, somehow make peace with those people and their descendants without also acknowledging the Palestinians rights to dignity and respect? Yet can such respect be conferred without also calling into question the legitimacy of the Jewish state? Where is the actual ground for mutual respect when the affirmation of one peoples rights has for six decades depended on the denial of anothers?
Respect for the enemy The mutual respect of the Cold War is an example of respect for the enemy. Up to now in this discussion we have been examining respect as something one freely gives to another, in consideration. However respect for an opponent is slightly different. It is a grudging respect not freely given, but demanded and paid in order to avoid a greater pain. It is well-illustrated by the familiar example of two boxers at a pre-match weigh-in and press conference. Typically, both opponents are highly-skilled and often volatile athletes, who can deploy their dangerous talents within seconds. They have formidable reputations and egos to maintain. They demand respect at the press conference, and they expect it to be paid not out of admiration, but out of fear. The respect is usually paid by all press and all the hangers-on, and in civilised meetings, both fighters will pay a crumb of respect to the other, with statements like 'Hes beaten some good boxers, but hell need to step up a notch to deal with me'. The former part of the statement is the small payment of respect. The latter part is a challenge, but is not disrespectful, in the context of the prepayment. However if the opponent fails to pay the required respect, by a throwing out an opening statement like 'Man, you are soooo ugly ' then things often deteriorate to finger-pointing, pushing, and sometimes even exchanging of blows. The dynamic occurring here, after the first failure to produce payment of respect, is repeated (escalating) demands from the disrespected opponent like raising the stakes in poker, to try to force the payment. Eventually the minders or security staff will step in and the disrespected opponent(s) will back off, having won at least a little respect from the spectators by refusing to accept the disrespect. The Nemesis This is one of my favourite words from the Greek goddess of retribution Nemesis. It is used frequently to refer to an arch-enemy as the Joker is to Batman. In the context of respect, it is a term that denotes a highly respected (feared) opponent. An opponent becomes ones nemesis when they frequently defeat or frustrate ones efforts such that one comes to afford them a grudging respect for their abilities, treat them with special caution, and make special plans to repel their attacks or overcome their defences. Humiliation, Revenge, and the Grudge Match Humiliation is a complete or substantial loss of face the temporary reduction of the balance of external respect to a minimal or zero level.
Winner
Increased selfesteem It's all about Respect v5e Respect for Loser
Disrespect
Loser
Decreased self-esteem Page 88 of 111
Figure 68 Humiliation When an individual is defeated or bested fairly, in a respectful manner that is, on a level playing field, professionally, and within the accepted rules of engagement, then the self-respect of the loser is only slightly diminished, and sometimes maintained, if the result was close. However if the defeat is a humiliation (for example, a sporting score of 56-nil, or a boxer taunting a dazed opponent on his knees, or a wife publicly ridiculing her husbands sexual performance) then the loser at that moment, and often for some time afterwards feels an almost complete loss of respect certainly from the winner, and possibly from the crowd/onlookers as well many of whom (if they are supporters of the loser) will feel some of the shame also. The desire for revenge is what the loser feels when they want to reclaim respect that was lost during an act of humiliation. It need not always be through the same mechanism as the original loss, but the aim is to wipe the smile off the winners face. Winner
Revenge Decreased self-esteem Respect for Loser
Loser
Self-esteem
Figure 69 Revenge As we can see from the diagram, the result is not a win-win situation. If the act of revenge is successful, the original winner is reduced to the same level of shame or humiliation as the original loser. Now they are both losers. Of course, now A will feel wronged and seek revenge on B, and the vicious cycle will continue. This is the mentality of a bitter divorce, and of war. It is a lose-lose situation, perpetuated by emotional responses. A more rational response (although difficult) is to simply move on and concentrate on re-building lxvi ones own level of respect. As George Herbert said 'Living well is the best revenge'.
4.6.8 Games
Some games, as they are freely entered into and do not involve life or death decisions, offer a useful perspective on the choice between money and respect. The game of poker is a good example. Poker games in casinos are mostly about money. The good players learn a healthy respect (fear) for opponents who demonstrate skill and bravery, in the form of big bluffs. It is also played by card counters mathematical savants or analysts that calculate the odds of success with every turn of the card, and make rational, probability-based decisions, without much concern or respect for other players actions. The social transactions are limited. I find that the more interesting form of the game is the less formal yet keenly-contested suburban event, between friends (usually males), where pecking orders are operating, relationships are established, and the motivation is primarily about the social interaction. Hard money is usually involved, but this is just to make it interesting by ensuring everyone has a real stake in the game and takes it seriously. The concept of respect as an alternative to currency is demonstrated here in the fact that players will emerge at the end of the game, with more or less money, and more or less respect. He (as it is typically a male activity) who plays with the most courage, skill, intelligence and discipline will have the best chance of walking away with the money, but there is much more up for grabs on the social table. There is respect. Some may play with reckless and entertaining courage, and not win the pot, but win respect from the group for their willingness to have a go and make the game
exciting. Some may play the man rather than the cards, by indulging in constant table talk to try to unsettle their opponents. If the trash talk is topical, clever, amusing, and inoffensive, then this player will be respected for making the game more entertaining, and the trash talker (even if he loses) will be respected for his entertainment value, and certainly be invited to the next game (especially if he loses regularly). However if the talker crosses the lines of etiquette or decency, then all is lost. It is just not funny, and he is unlikely to see another invitation. Another way to play ones self out of an invitation is to play just for the money very cautiously, analytically, and without engaging in the social aspect of the game. No one likes a bore who takes their money. Mr 'Thinks hes so professional' might win one pot, but will never score another invitation. He wins the money, but loses the respect.
4.6.9 Reality TV
The emergence of the phenomenon of Reality TV in the 1990s was a great opportunity for the study of game theory and social interactions. Although they were sometimes conducted in somewhat contrived environments, the novel nature of the circumstances that the contestants were placed into, and the unscripted nature of the interactions, was gold for psychologists. Researchers had studied game theory before, with small amounts of money as incentives, although never before had there been the opportunity to motivate participants with very large (up to $1m) amounts of money, over such long periods of time (several months) under such close observation (multiple high-definition cameras, and 24-hour supervision). One of the first series (Big Brother), was not particularly memorable for the study of respect, as the participants were generally young (Gen Y), self-absorbed and vacuous, and the environment relatively static and low-pressure. However the more cleverly formulated series of Survivor and The Biggest Loser contained more mature and diverse participants, and placed them under novel physiological and emotional stress in very unfamiliar and competitive environments, where respect was not only required, but crucial for survival and progression through to the endgame. Survivor This series is notable for the entertaining situational paradigm of a putting a large group of highlymotivated, highly competitive, highly-confident personalities together in a high-pressure and unfamiliar environment, where respect, and even self-respect is often lost in the pressure of competition, where contestants must resort to lying, stealing, deceiving betraying, in order to win the game. Russel Hantz, in Season 19 (Samoa) of the series, is infamous among followers for playing a dirty, lying, cheating game, then having the audacity to demand that he deserves the title, because he played the hardest. When he was eventually voted runner up, he would not accept that he was outplayed by the more passive player, Natalie White. He pleaded several times with the winner 'You can have the money I just want the title of Sole Survivor' and seemed to not realise (until too late) that he had lost the respect of nearly every player in the game, and had no prospect of being paid the respect of being named the winner. An important angle of this incident was that Russell was already a millionaire so he had enough money. He wanted to be paid in respect, not in money. He realised (too late) that he had lost the respect of nearly every player in the game, and was certainly (by the end of the Finale), feeling the loss of respect. He desperately wanted to make up that deficit, and all he was given in the end was the title of the episodes 'biggest villain'. Of course, he grasped at this, and hung his hat on it, declaring that he was the games biggest villain, and vowing to continue to play that way, to (presumably) retain this title, at least. Do we need both money and respect? Can we be happy with one, and not the other? Those with money but no respect tend to end up as a friendless Scrooge, or an obscene spender surrounded by parasites and gold-diggers. The Scrooge is typically insecure and never has enough to be relaxed and happy. The Spender can be superficially, or temporarily happy, yet likely to spend their money endlessly trying to buy respect.
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Those with respect but no money are like Gandhi, or Christ, or a wandering ascetic dependent on others for power and sustenance. Able to be politically or socially powerful for a short time, but unless some of that respect can be converted into currency, the power will fade. Christs message was empowered and funded (and sadly distorted and abused) by the money of the Church. Gandhis message was empowered and funded by the people of India. Einstein remarked in 1930 that 'science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind'. In the same spirit, I believe that respect without money is lame, and money without respect is just plain ugly. What we would all like to be is both wealthy and respected comfortable and powerful. Those who do have plenty of both, (like Oprah Winfrey, or Warren Buffet) have everything necessary to be completely happy. Perhaps this is why these exemplars continue to work at their chosen (selfactualising) profession well beyond the time they could have retired to the country. The Biggest Loser This series is another successful spinoff from the original Big Brother concept, where overweight contestants enter a 'house' and compete for months to lose weight and survive eliminations under various high-pressure scenarios, both emotional and physical. The big difference between this show and Survivor, is that in Survivor most of the contestants come into the experiment cocky, brimming full of confidence and self-esteem. In The Biggest Loser, it is quite the opposite. Contestants begin the game with little or no self-esteem - a negative balance, in many cases. They are fat, and they know it. Many of them profess to be 'fat and happy' at the beginning, yet later break down and confess that it was a front that they put on to survive emotionally. Throughout the game they are put under such emotional and physiological stress that they are unable to hide their feelings from the cameras. The audience sees them lose weight, gain confidence, and (this is the compelling bit) earn real respect, from the other contestants, from the trainers, from the host, and from tens of thousands of thousands or viewers (many of whom have the same issues of low self-esteem) who are tracking their progress and vicariously 'living their journey'. The contestant has poor self-esteem, but they are in an environment where they feel compelled to apply significant effort. They are motivated (by peer pressure, expectations of family and friends, constant attention, and constant direction) to respect and obey the directions of the trainers. Trainer
Positive selfesteem Respect for Contestant
Respect for trainer
Respect, effort
Contestant
Negative self-esteem Expertise, attention, respect
Figure 70 Biggest Loser contestant
There comes a moment for most contestants, typically midway through the 3-month duration, when they have a watershed moment. They have finally lost enough weight, and have experienced enough success, positive encouragement and recognition, that they rise above the zero balance line, into a net positive position of self-esteem.
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Respect, effort
Trainer
Increased respect for Contestant Positive selfesteem
Contestant
Positive selfesteem Expertise, attention, respect respect for trainer
Figure 71 Moving into positive territory Some negativity still remains, and surfaces at times, but progress for most contestants is overwhelmingly positive. This progress occurs because they have been living in an environment where they have been paid daily, in genuine respect, for their genuine efforts and performances on camera. Although they have been intensely motivated, mentored, and directed, it is clear that the achievements (of shedding their respective burdens) are ultimately theirs. They know that in the end they are able to genuinely credit themselves for their achievements, and hence build lasting self-esteem.
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4.7 Degrees or stages of self-respect

In this section we examine how self-respect and self-esteem grow, develop, and sometimes inflate out of proportion, into pride, vanity and hubris.
4.7.1 Self-awareness and self-esteem

As explored in the section 'Life Stages', an individual typically becomes aware in infancy of the difference between self and others, and perceives that although they are a separate person, they are nevertheless completely dependent on others for food and comfort. This is the beginnings of the comparison of the abilities of ones self in relation to others. At some point the child gains a degree of control over their own mind and body, and begins to form the stable, grounding concept of self-respect (intrinsic worth) and then the more variable concept of self-esteem (whether it be positive or negative.) This concept is heavily influenced by lxvii parents and parental figures, as outlined in 'Im OK Youre OK' , and starts to take form in thoughts such as 'I am bad', 'I am good', or 'Im not as loved as my little sister'. The size and form of this self-esteem fluctuates and develops over time, but it is essentially the individuals subjective opinion of themselves, at that moment in time. It is at this time that the individual first becomes aware that respect can be used as a currency to buy things favours, preferential treatment, or time with loved ones for example. Negative self-esteem When an individual has a poor opinion of themselves, it is usually generated by the disrespect of others, or assumed by comparison of self with others. If one is constantly abused, neglected or disparaged, or even just in an environment where one is compared to others with greater perceived capabilities, self-esteem will erode away and give way to feelings of inadequacy. The individual feels worthless or inferior, and it tends to be a vicious circle of self-hate, often leading to self-deprecation or self-abuse, and sometimes even suicide. Rarely, an individual can decide to break out of this state by changing the company they keep, their reactions to events or circumstances, or by moving to a new (supportive) environment. Usually some outside intervention or help is required in the form of a lucky break, a supportive organisation or individual, or a disruptive event in that persons life that allows the person to perceive some inherent self-worth or capability, and build constructively upon it. Positive self-esteem In a supportive and safe environment, positive self-esteem is the normal state for most individuals. They have a firm idea of their own capabilities and potential, and their relation to others in the various pecking orders at home, at school or at work. While they may have moments of self-doubt, they can usually overcome these with help from supportive friends or family, or even just by referring to memories of individual achievements, to restore their balance of positive selfesteem. A healthy balance is usually achieved when the individual has attained a sense of confidence and independence, has some sense of the utility of respect as a currency (intuitively without necessarily being able to articulate the theory) and are confident that they are able to maintain or improve their position in the social pecking orders that are important to them. Inflated self-esteem However problems will arise if self-esteem rises too much. If an individual has too much confidence in their own abilities, good looks or potential, they begin to perceive that they belong higher up the social pecking orders. They believe they deserve more respect than they may be receiving from others, and start to behave accordingly. This will take the form of behaviours like being dismissive of former friends, making a show of conspicuous spending, over-dressing, or attempting to spend more time with those higher up the pecking order. They are spending respect they have not earned. This will, of course, annoy those who do not agree that they deserve the respect they are claiming, through their behaviour. Their currency will not be accepted. There will be social imbalances and tension within their social circle, until dismissals
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and rejections reduce their self-esteem levels once again to match the perceptions of those around them.
4.7.2 Ambition
Ambition is an attitude that ones external balances of respect can be improved, through positive effort, actions and deeds. It is a state of mind that derives from a person with high positive selfesteem, high confidence in their abilities, and a plan or strong desire to improve their position in life. When a person is content and happy with their position and circumstances, they will generally take no action to disrupt the balance of their relationships or circumstances. However when one is ambitious, there is positive intent and action by the individual to change their circumstances in order to improve their relative position. This attitude is usually observed in relation to ones career, where effort and action can have significant positive effect on ones skills, experience, levels of ability, levels of achievement and respect. Ambitious individuals must master the use of respect as a currency and leverage it through networking, mutual praise and support of peers, associates and contacts, in order to realise their ambitions and achieve success.
4.7.3 Success
This is the crest of the mountain, the top of the pecking order. Goals have been achieved and recognised. Self-esteem is complete, robust and (precariously) full to the brim. If the success has been achieved through the judicious and moral application of effort towards a goal, while respecting others along the way, then external payment of respect flow and accrue continually to the successful individual. Pride Success Vanity/Hubris
Ambition
Fall
Self-respect
Mountain of Self-Respect
zero balance Figure 72 Excessive self-respect
4.7.4 Pride
Pride is overshooting top of the mountain. It comes from not having the wisdom and grace to find contentment in achieving success and enjoying the well-deserved respect that flows naturally towards those who are seen to be meritoriously successful. Once an ambition or desire has been realised, an individual will naturally enjoy a feeling of accomplishment or achievement. This is healthy and natural when it is relatively self-contained, or limited to those who will appreciate the sentiment (for example, those who have, or will, share in the success and rewards of the achievement). However often the individual seeks to milk his or her achievement by displaying excessive pride to a wider audience, in order to attract more respect from many others. proclaims 'Pride goeth before a fall', and this is often the The old saying derived from the Bible case. Pride turns to vanity, and an unsustainable bubble of hubris will form, that must either deflate, or pop on the sharp prick of reality, when the individual is brought back down to earth as
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he or she not only fails to find the excessive respect they think they deserve, but attract scorn and derision for their hubris.
4.7.5 Vanity / hubris

We all have moments of vanity, but they are best kept private and controlled. Hugh Mackay notes lxix in his book What makes us Tick that 'An excess of pride or ambition is a sign that the desire for recognition and respect has run out of control'. Carnegie remarks in How to Win Friends and Influence People that 'Libraries and Museums owe their richest collections to people who cannot bear to think that their names might perish from the memory of the race'. Cary Cox writes in How to be an Existentialist that A good deal of most peoples behaviour is directed towards seeking to influence their being-for-others, or even to gain complete control over it. People generally desire to impress and certainly go to great lengths to encourage other people to love, respect or fear them. People talk about feeling good in themselves and about setting personal goals, but really they are all shouting, look at me, Im so beautiful, so clever, so hard, so cool. I exist. Even if Im not better than you, Im just as good as you in my own way. Those with ability and determination do it by winning Olympic gold medals or qualifying as doctors. Those with less talent do it by learning to juggle, having tattoos or wheel spinning their car at traffic lights. As many great philosophers have noted down through the centuries, All is vanity.
lxx
Figure 73 All is Vanity Charles Allan Gilbert, 1892. Once an individual has moved to a position of vanity or hubris, there is no easy descent back down the mountain it is always a hard fall.
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4.8 Degrees or stages of respect for others

4.8.1 Flattery
This is simply false respect. In terms of the model of respect as a currency, it is very much like paying counterfeit dollars to someone. If the recipient thinks the praise is genuine, then they do obtain an immediate benefit, in terms of increased self-esteem. If the recipient has been materially undervaluing themselves, the flattery may actually bring them to a realistic level of selfesteem. In this case, the flattery is positive and constructive. Equally, if the recipient is expecting flattery and recognises it for what it is, then it is taken simply as a courtesy a token payment of respect with no real value other than politeness. Again, there is no harm done. However, if the flattery causes the recipient to wrongly believe they are held in high esteem within a social group, then problems will occur when they try to pass on the counterfeit currency by trying to trade on that false respect, assuming a higher position in the pecking order than is recognised by a peer group. For example, let us suppose that a lightly-principled male participant in a small writers' club had amorous intentions towards one of the club members a first-time female writer whose confidence level happened to be relatively low at the time. He might take an opportunity (later at a bar, when away from the group) to tell the female participant how beautiful her writing style is, how cleverly her storyline is developing, and that the entire group were secretly a little jealous of her talent. His intention of course is to bed her, and certainly if she believes this flattery she will be rather more receptive to any further suggestions he may make. He may feel a little guilt, but may tell himself that some white lies are not only harmless, but can only help her confidence in fact he is doing her a favour! This is a payment of false respect. However it can have damaging consequences for him. If he does manage to bed her, he has done so under false pretences, and she will naturally be looking to spend some of the counterfeit respect he has paid her not just with him, but within the group as well. Privately, she will be under the impression that he has slept with her in part because he respects her mind and talent, when this may not be these case. He must now either keep on lying and praising her ability and talent, or pretend that he has somehow changed his mind on the merit of her work. Either way, he will have to engage in further hard work to maintain the deceit, or go through some pain when his deceit is exposed to her. Publicly (within the writers group) she will of course expect that he will praise her work in the group discussions. This is also a problem for him. He will need to somehow explain why he admires the work or, if he chooses to remain silent, or talks in rather less flattering terms than he did when he was with her at the bar, then he will have some serious explaining to do. At the very least he will lose any chance of a repeat encounter, and at worst will be ostracised from the group, if the female decides to go public with his deceit and duplicity. False payments of respect are fraught with danger.
4.8.2 Admiration
Admiration is similar to the concept of respect, but not the same. One can admire a painting, without respecting it. Respect has a personal element. Two men may admire a pretty blonde in the same way that male birds are be impressed by colourful female plumage, but one man may respect her beauty as an admirable quality, while the other man may hold a contrary view that blondes are visually/sexually admirable, but not as respectable, for whatever reason. Admiration is not a payment, in the way that respect is. It is often quite a private thing, until expressed, when it can convey an element of respect, or even disrespect. A man expressing admiration for a womans business success will convey a lot more respect than another who conveys admiration for the size of the same womans chest. Conversely, one can respect something without admiring it for example, respect for the ruthless cunning of a hard-nosed politician, or cautious respect for the danger posed by a large or dangerous animal.
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4.8.3 Trust
We have examined trust in some detail in the context of Coveys model of the Emotional Bank Account, and showed that like admiration, one can respect someone (like a politician), without trusting them. However when one trusts someone, it does necessarily require an element of respect. Placing trust in someone confirms that their trustworthiness is a respectable quality even if many of their other qualities are not. You may not like the way someone does his or her business, but if you know that they will get it done on time, to spec, every time, or your money back, then you have to at least credit them (respect them) for their trustworthiness. Self
Other
Respectable qualities Disrespectable qualities or behaviours Trustworthiness Personal qualities Behaviours Disrespect Respect Trust Respect
Disrespect
Figure 74 Trust necessarily means a certain level of respect
4.8.4 Respect
So we have seen that there are different motivations for respect (fear, culture/duty, personal admiration ) and there are different qualities that are respectable (strength, beauty, knowledge, intelligence, vision, creativity) and disrespectable (dishonesty, unreliability ..) and that all these components combine to form a net balance of respect for one individual or group towards another individual or group. We also recognise that an individuals self-esteem may be higher or lower than the respect credited to them by other individuals or groups.
Respect Trust Admiration Mountain of Respect
zero balance Figure 75 Stages of respect for another individual or group
4.8.5 Love
Once a stable level of respect has been reached in a relationship, it forms a productive platform for mutual cooperation, assistance and support. This is the ideal level for a professional environment. However when an individual feels not only respect but strong attraction on a physical or emotional level, the relationship moves to an entirely different plane into the realm of infatuation, adoration and love. This can be a good or bad thing, depending on the level of reciprocation, but it is a quantum level step up from a respectful relationship. It is not my intention
to go into the dynamics of transactions at this level, other than to say that it is an entirely different subject. There are new rules, new expectations, new dangers, and even additional currencies (like sex and affection) that complicate matters exponentially. There are many thousands of books written on the subject by others more experienced, academic, and poetic than I. The point that I do want to make is that love rarely exists except when it has evolved from a platform of respect, (as articulated above in 'Marriage') and that when love fades away, there is often (but not always) a solid base of respect that will sustain an ongoing relationship on a more enduring basis.
Infatuation / Adoration / Love
Respect Sycophantism Subjugation
Mountain of Respect zero balance
Servility
Figure 76 The slide into servility
4.8.6 Sycophantism, subjugation and servility

Still referring to the diagram above, when a developing relationship overshoots the stable plateau at the top of the mountain of respect, or fails to receive the reciprocation required to maintain a loving relationship, then an unbalanced dynamic exists where the respecter is constantly paying out respect, but receiving little in return. There is typically little incentive for the respectee (whether it be a politician, a business leader, a despot or a deity) to pay out any respect, as they can see that the one-way flow continues regardless. In fact the more sycophantic, subjected and servile a worshipper becomes, the less likely they are to receive any respect at all. It tends to be a downward slide into unreciprocated servility. There is typically no way back up the far side of that particular mountain. The respecter is best advised to abandon that object of worship and seek respect elsewhere.
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5 Conclusions - Using it
This chapter is the pay dirt. Now we understand the currency of respect, we can use it to buy what we need, and get what we want, without spending any money and importantly, without ripping anyone off.
5.1 Earning it
The first thing to do of course is to earn it. This is simple in principle, yet requires considerable wisdom, application and discipline in practice. In principle, all you have to do is be: able accepting accurate adaptable adventurous affectionate alert ambitious artistic assertive attractive broad-minded calm candid capable careful caring cautious charming cheerful clear-thinking clever compassionate competent confident considerate consistent cooperative courageous creative dependable determined disciplined dynamic eager easygoing efficient empathetic energetic enterprising entertaining enthusiastic fair faithful fit free friendly fulfilled funny generous gentle good-natured happy healthy helpful honest hopeful humorous idealistic imaginative independent individualistic industrious ingenious intelligent kind leisurely light-hearted likeable logical lovable loving mature merry mild moderate modest natural neat non-judgemental nurturing open-minded optimistic organised original outgoing patient peaceful persevering persistent pleasant polite positive practical precise progressive punctual quiet rational realistic reasonable reflective relaxed reliable resourceful respectful responsible robust sincere sociable special spontaneous stable strong tactful talented tenacious temperate thankful thorough tolerant trusting trustworthy truthful understanding uninhibited unique versatile warm whole wise witty
Of course, some of these qualities (like courage and caution) cannot easily be displayed at the same time. Wisdom is required to know when to display these qualities, and how. This really only comes with age and experience, and this is why elders or seniors in our societies are generally well-respected. However one can apply ones self to learn this wisdom in several ways, by: 1. 2. Asking ones respected elders - sitting down and talking, and really listening; Observing the social interactions of everyone around us which qualities they display, when they display them, and what the effects are (in terms of increased or
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decreased respect) this can include watching documentaries and films that dramatise, investigate or analyse social interactions. 3. Reading: biographies especially of well-respected persons lxxi self-help classics like How to Win Friends and Influence People novels especially the classics, that illustrate the best and worst in people. philosophy especially around ethics and morals Studying the social sciences: social psychology - especially transactional analysis sociology psychology cultural studies communication philosophy Discussing all of the above with family and friends.
4.
5.
Knowing it is only half the battle. Practicing it requires application, and discipline. This is something that only you can work out, but it will help to keep the golden rule in mind: 'Do unto others as you would have them do unto you' [Matthew 7:12].
5.2 Seeking it
Where can you get it? Mostly in social situations, though more generally, wherever there is an environment that allows social transactions, and whenever someone is looking or listening to you or your words or actions, so that you may be judged: in person (personal and group interactions) in printed media on television online.
There are other situations (like in others memories, or in others conversations) where respect for you may be paid, but if you are not there to hear it or see it or feel it, then you wont receive it, unless it is recorded in print or digital media, for you to receive at a later time. The only place you will not find respect is on your own. You can live in a cave as an ascetic for ten years, and fill your boots full of self-respect, but youll receive not a shred of respect from others until you return to a social situation. How to seek it? The only place to seek it is in social situations, where you can earn it (see above) through words, actions and behaviour, rather than expecting or demanding it through position, title, power, or seniority.
5.3 Expecting it / demanding it

Its best not to do this at all, because it may be grudgingly paid, but it is often resented. As mentioned above, it is better to actually earn it. A teacher, for example, can expect and demand respect through hard discipline and with the threat of the cane, social embarrassment (naughty corner), isolation (detention) or academic demerit (bad report card), and may receive some grudging respect for this. However a teacher that encourages, inspires, enthuses, guides, assists and nurtures their students will receive infinitely more genuine respect. Freely-given respect is much more spendable (as a currency) than grudging respect.
5.4 Accepting it
There is a right way to do this with a simple thank you. A payment of respect is a valuable gift, and it should be acknowledged. Like an officer returning a salute, or a performer bowing to applause, a show of respect should always be acknowledged with a word or gesture of thanks, even if it is just confirms that a stable social structure is in place, forming or reinforcing a solid platform to commence or continue constructive social or professional transactions.
5.5 Having it
So what happens when you get to the top of the mountain of respect do you have it all? Well, no. That is just one mountain. As Anthony Robbins says you can have anything, but you cant have everything. No one can be at the top of every mountain at the same time. Michael Jordan is not well respected for his art, and Ghandhi was not well respected for his sporting prowess.
Art
Sport
Politics
Figure 77 Discrete mountains of respect However, the social skills that enable someone to reach the top of their particular field can often be applied to other fields. Famous actors (Reagan, Schwarzenegger) and sporting stars (Imran Khan) have become successful politicians. It is the respect that these personalities built up in their original field that gave them a leg-up in the political world, but they were not able to remain at the top of their old mountains, once they made the jump across. Can you get too much of a good thing? Yes certainly. One only need look at celebrities behaving badly to see how too much respect or adoration can lead to bad outcomes. Can it last a lifetime, or forever? For celebrities, yes however only if you die young and pretty, like James Dean or Marilyn Monroe. For sportspersons, only if you retire at the top of your game'. In fields like politics, the humanities, art and literature, one does not rely on youth and good looks. One can remain productive for decades, and well-respected even after death. There are some names that will be forever respected (Michelangelo, Shakespeare, Ghandi ...) for their contributions to humanity. The lesson here is to enjoy the view from the top for as long as you can, but dont get comfortable, and dont be complacent or arrogant. Respect is a gift that can be withdrawn at any time.
5.6 Paying it
How should we best use our accumulated respect? The simple answer is that it should not be spent, but paid. The difference is subtle, but important. Spending it If a Requester deliberately references (or uses) their own position or status to obtain favours, it is like spending cash on consumables or services. It is calling in favours. The Provider will usually oblige, though only because they feel obliged, and they will feel a little used. Their respect for the Requester will decline.
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Requester A
Respect for B Reminder of respect due Goods or services Respect for A
Provider B
Figure 78 Calling in respect: 'Im respected so give me this' Paying it However if a Requester references anothers position or status to obtain favours, it is like investing cash in a growing asset (a relationship). The Requester is aware that they are operating from a position of respect, but instead of spending it (calling in a favour), they pay out respect in return for the goods or services so it is a fair trade. The Provider is happy to meet the request, as he or she has gained from the transaction also. And importantly, the Requesters balance is unchanged.
Requester A
Respect for B Payment of respect Goods or services Respect for A
Provider B
Figure 79 Paying out respect: 'I respect you may I have this?' Remember pay it, dont spend it.
5.7 Using it
Some people have it in their purse, but forget to pay it when required. This is typical with children, who forget to use their manners by neglecting to say 'please' and 'thank you'. Parents are often very sensitive to this, and can usually, through repetitious reminders, and withholding of favours, train their children to remember to show respect when it is expected or required. Others know how to use it, but fail to do so, for other reasons. Sometimes it is just a bad habit. Consider the example of a man whose partner has formed a habit of saying 'I need you to do this' or 'I need this to happen' or 'You need to do something for me, in common domestic situations where most people would simply use a request like Will you please..?. She states the need as a demand, with an implication that he has already failed in his duty by not performing the demanded task already. The reason it will annoy him is that a demand carries no payment of respect, as a request does. A request acknowledges that the other is an independent person, with a real choice about whether to assist and please the requester. A demand is a challenge. It is an attempt to get something for nothing, from an assumed base of respect, and it is usually resented. The Demander may receive the goods or services, but they will simultaneously lose some respect, in the eyes of the Provider. Demander A
Respect for B Demand Goods or services Respect for A
Provider B
Figure 80 A demand
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When the demand is re-phrased as a request, the Provider is being paid for the goods or services. It is an equitable transaction, and everyone is happy.
Requester A
Respect for B Payment of respect Goods or services Respect for A
Provider B
Figure 81 A request We find the same resistance to lack of manners in the service industry. A sales assistant is always happy to assist a customer who asks for help, and will often go out of their way to assist and please, but when a customer demands something, the whole dynamic changes. They are assuming a position of superiority, and not paying respect, but in fact demanding respect in addition to service. It immediately turns the situation from a cooperative dynamic into an adversarial one, and the situation is often escalated with emotion, unnecessarily. The lesson here is that if you want something, dont demand it, ask for it. The small payment of respect is free, and greatly improves your chances of getting what you want, or need.
5.8 Losing it
The loss of respect is an active process, not a passive one. Respect does not tend to fade by itself over time. I remember meeting my primary school teacher thirty years after I had left school, and still feeling compelled to address her as 'Mrs Ryan' I could not imagine calling her 'Joan'. Familiarity will fade, but respect will tend to remain unless certain events occur that materially change ones impression of another. Anything in the behaviour of a person that disappoints another will tend to lessen respect. All the behaviours listed in 'Earning it' above will tend to increase ones respect, and all the opposite behaviours (when observed or even suspected) will tend to decrease it. There are three ways that you can perform actions that will lose you respect: Accidentally when you genuinely do not know that an action is disrespectful. Carelessly when you know it is wrong, but you do not think about the consequences. Deliberately when you know it is wrong, you know the consequences, but you cannot help yourself. You do it anyway, and risk the repercussions.
Accidental slips All cultures and workplaces and peer groups have rules written and unwritten that must be obeyed to maintain social cohesion. These may include conventions like bowing during greetings, not using the name of deceased persons, rules like washing your utensils immediately after use in a shared kitchen, or replacing empty toilet rolls, or not revealing to others details of 'what goes on tour'. These are rules of convention. They are not always obvious or apparent to someone who is new to a culture, and may be inadvertently broken. When this occurs, an offender will sometimes be excused once, but rarely twice. Once the offender has been told, a second offence will be regarded as at best careless and disrespectful, and at worst deliberately disrespectful. A loss of respect for the offender will result. These accidental slips are valuable learning opportunities. Careless slips
When you already know something is impolite, unacceptable, or just wrong, and you still perform the action without taking the time to consider the consequences, you can expect to pay a price. If you pick your nose or pass wind without checking if anyone is looking, or close by, you can expect to be busted, and come down a peg in their estimation. If you tell a racist joke or spread some malicious gossip in uncertain company, you can expect to slip a couple of rungs on the social ladder. Impulsive decisions like pashing the office junior at a work party may seem like a fun idea at the time, but may in time result in significant negative consequences, including loss of respect from workmates and superiors, possible loss of job/income/promotion prospects, and of course loss of trust and respect from ones partner or spouse. These careless slips tend to be very expensive (in terms of respect) learning opportunities. Deliberate (pre-meditated) actions Then there are the things we do, that we know are wrong, and we know the consequences, but we go ahead and do them anyway. These are considered actions, with predictable results. For example, if you deliberately lie, cheat or steal, then you can reasonably expect to be condemned by those with solid value systems, where these actions are unacceptable. You may lose all respect from workmates, friends and even family. It is very much like slipping from the rungs of a ladder. Respect is only earned through a long, steady climb up, but can disappear in an instant. Sometimes is not possible or practical to conduct all the necessary cultural checks or proximity checks. And sometimes (like the decision to tell a white lie) it makes practical sense to risk the loss of some respect, in order to achieve an important outcome, or avoid a negative one. The lesson here is to consider your actions, where practical. Sometimes we are simply not aware that there is any need to check for the possibility of causing offence
5.9 Restoring it
The Power of the Apology It consistently astonishes me how stubbornly reluctant some people are to provide an apology when it is required. Even when they are clearly, blatantly, unarguably in the wrong, they refuse to apologise, and often respond with further abuse when asked to do so. Most of have us have experienced this when we have been cut off in traffic by an inconsiderate or aggressive driver, and when displaying a protest with a beep of the horn, received not an apology, but a rude gesture of defiance. This is because an apology is a clear and unambiguous payment of respect, and many insecure individuals with a chip on their shoulder have an intense dislike of paying anyone else respect lest it implies or confirms that they are lower on the social ladder. An apology is a deliberate step down the ladder of respect. It is saying Im sorry I was wrong. It was my fault. In this instance, I dont deserve to a higher spot on the social ladder than you. Correspondingly, forgiveness is the act of the wronged party accepting the apology as a genuine payment of respect, and returning a small payment of respect effectively saying OK I dont like what you did, but I understand why you did it, and your apology is something I can respect you for. Many small transgressions on the road, over the fence, or at the bar, that could have been resolved with a simple apology often escalate into a nasty confrontation, a physical fight, or lethal violence. Many trivial neighbourhood or corporate arguments that could have been solved early on with a simple apology to the wronged party (or perceived wronged party) have escalated into long, expensive, public court cases where both parties end up losers, and the only winners are the lawyers.
Many times an offensive act by a person or group of a particular nationality or religion that could have been addressed by the representatives of the nation or religion with an official apology, has precipitated years of war, millions of deaths, and incalculable misery. The lesson here is that a simple apology (a humble payment of respect) may be temporarily uncomfortable personally or politically, yet is almost always an immeasurably better option than the extended pain, distress and expense of the alternative (a physical fight, a divorce, a legal battle, or a war). Remember to apologise sincerely whenever it is required or expected.
5.10 Faking it
Is it ever right to feign respect? No, it is never right, but (like a white lie) sometimes it is prudent, or necessary to avoid a situation of embarrassment or humiliation that may escalate into an expensive dispute or violence. For example, your new boss may be a complete idiot, with the manners of a Viking and the morals of a con man, but if he asks you during a team meeting for an endorsement of his grossly incompetent new strategic plan, then it is usually best in the short term to pay some nominal respect to the position that he holds (if not the person). This is possible by avoiding the impulse to call it like it is, and instead by responding with a vaguely supportive and non-committal answer like 'Its certainly a novel approach ' while deciding whether it might be best to later (in a less public situation) provide some more constructive feedback. Your neighbour may be a crazy old paranoid cat-woman who smells like dead fish and screams like a banshee at your children, but if she approaches you on the fence, it is usually best (in the short term) to pretend to respect her and greet her politely, rather than show her the disrespect you may think she deserves. You may object that it is never right to suck up and defer to someone who deserves no respect, and you may be right in principle, but we should remember that violent fights, expensive court cases and senseless wars that are started over principles, can nearly always be neatly and inexpensively avoided through diplomacy, tact, and if necessary, some false displays of respect. It is often the outcome that matters more. In terms of the analogy of respect as a currency, faking it is like passing counterfeit bills they will usually be accepted on face value, if not inspected closely, and will often produce the desired effect (a good outcome) in the short term, but they carry a risk of discovery that can get you into legal trouble (in the case of counterfeit bills) or uncomfortable embarrassment (in the case of fake respect). I find it helpful to regard the payment of false respect as a pre-payment on blind faith where I have not yet seen any reason to pay someone the respect that I am offering, but I have reason to believe that I may at a later time discern some basis for respect, that will then conveniently validate the original payment. So, it is a gamble. If I can later find grounds for respect, then I can justify the initial pre-emptive payment, and the false payment suddenly becomes true and defensible. However if I fail to appreciate any respectable quality in the person, then I have the option to either let it go as an insincere deceit, or (in an effort to inform the person as to how they are truly perceived by others) let the other know that perhaps they do not command the level of respect that I had hoped, and that they imagine. Notwithstanding the risk of discovery of insincerity, it is often (on balance) a prudent strategy to prepay some false respect, and it is sometimes the only available strategy. If you doubt this, imagine for a moment how far Israeli-Palestinian peace talks would get if both representatives greeted each other at the start of negotiations with the respect they really feel. Sometimes, you just have to fake it in the short term, to get to a better outcome for all.
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5.11 Finding it
Many of the above tips you may have already known intuitively a lot of it is common sense, framed and explained in terms of respect. However the most useful lesson I have learned personally, through analysing the exchange of respect as a currency is that it is possible to find something to respect in nearly everyone. As discussed above in 'Finding a way to respect Colleagues', there is bound to be something that every person is good at, or can be respected for. It is up to us to find it, and use it. The trick is to not focus on their bad habits and poor behaviour, but on their respectable qualities. Hitler was, by some accounts, a very pleasant family man. Stalin was intelligent and ambitious. Despots like Libyas Colonel Gadaffi are clever or powerful enough to elude justice for a long period of time. Paedophiles are often reported to be (in all other respects) well-respected members of the community often trusted parishioners or priests who provide support, comfort and counsel to other community members. While it is confronting and difficult to try to subjectively acknowledge that some of these repulsive individuals or types can be deserving of some level of respect, it is objectively true even if their respectable qualities are overwhelmed in our minds by the repugnance of the motivations, activities or qualities for which they are better known. It follows then, that if these monsters are partially respectable in some limited sense, then most others we meet in our lives will at least be more respectable then these low-bar examples. The ugly parent that abuses the referee during their childs match can be respected at least for their passionate interest in their childs treatment, and their strong sense of justice. The pretentious art snob can be respected at least for their enthusiastic support for their profession, for challenging standards or perceptions of quality, or for supporting artists of questionable talent. The overweight person walking in front of you can be respected at least for actually walking, and not driving. The religious worshipper can be respected for their personal commitment to a set of values. Nearly everyone has something admirable in them. Since taking up the challenge of finding something to respect in everyone, I have experienced less anger and frustration at the actions of others. Some cases (like moronic traffic hoons and selfish graffiti vandals) are more challenging than others, but it is my belief that this attitude of giving others the benefit of doubt, then making an effort to discern respectable qualities, is a positive behaviour that can be taught, and learnt. The lesson here is to focus not on the bad, but the good, and if you cant see the good, then assume it, and go looking for it. Just as money doesnt grow on trees, respect can also be hard to find. You will not find it by yelling at someone from a distance, or from behind a lawyer. You will find it by getting to know the person, their background, their motivation, their desires, their constraints, their fears, and their aspirations.
5.12 Loving it
You dont have to love the person. You dont even have to like them. Just respect them partially, for the things you can respect them for. But you can love the process. Love how it can replace resentment with appreciation. Love how it can turn enemies into friends. Love how it can turn misunderstanding into comprehension and respect.
5.13 Living it
To maintain and build respect, you need to know it, show it, and live it: 1. Know the rules and conventions of the society, culture or peer group you are operating in.
2. Show it by displaying integrity and discipline. Avoid and decline opportunities to lie, cheat or steal for temporary advancement. Embrace opportunities to pay respect where it is deserved. Spread it around as much as you can. 3. Live it by internalising the rules. Hold and display positive (respected) values at all times. Remember to think about the consequences of your actions whenever possible. Seek opportunities to generate and pay respect. Following the rules above for living it will make a positive difference to your life, and that of those around you. Where everyone follows these rules (for example, in a trusted circle of friends, where all feel valued as individuals, supported and respected), respect will flow freely and fairly, like currency in a stable, fair and balanced marketplace. This utopian vision of universal mutual respect is not likely to occur at a global level in our lifetime. This is typically beyond the circle of control for most individuals and groups. However it is possible at a local or community level, where it is within our circle of influence to display and shape attitudes and values. An environment of sustainable mutual respect is absolutely possible to achieve today within smaller social groups, such as families, friends, workplaces, and within personal relationships. It helps us to be happy when we establish this dynamic of mutual respect in our close personal relationships. It is also achievable to assist others to be happier by encouraging this dynamic in our wider family, our small social groups and our workplaces. It is my optimistic hope that in time, through understanding the value of shared mutual respect and the mechanisms of its exchange, we can promote and increase the smooth flow of this currency on a larger scale to significantly improve the prevalence of shared mutual respect in (and between) much larger communities on the scale of towns, cities, and states. You may say Im a dreamer, but Im not the only one.
lxxii
Imagine
John Lennon
Imagine there's no heaven It's easy if you try No hell below us Above us only sky Imagine all the people Living for today... Imagine there's no countries It isn't hard to do Nothing to kill or die for And no religion too Imagine all the people Living life in peace...
You may say I'm a dreamer But I'm not the only one I hope someday you'll join us And the world will be as one Imagine no possessions I wonder if you can No need for greed or hunger A brotherhood of man Imagine all the people Sharing all the world... You may say I'm a dreamer But I'm not the only one I hope someday you'll join us And the world will live as one
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6 Appendices
6.1 Acknowledgements
The following persons have been enormously helpful in shaping, strengthening and polishing this work. My thanks go to these friends, who have contributed in the following ways
Garth Christopher Wooler, Juris Doctor, MBA(Distn) MTM, BBus(Comm), GCHE - for convincing me not to attempt to publish this as a rigorous academic work. Rebecca Athanasiov, Lucretia Ackfield and Jeanette Crakanthorp - for early reviews, advice and encouragement, Dr Fiona Darroch, PhD(Phil)(UTas), BIT (USQ), PDBR (USQ) - for asking the hard questions around the consistency of the terms, and the integrity and of the model, and prompting significant revisions of the model and approach. Claire Harkin DipEdit(Pub); GradDip(LibInfScience); Dip(SchCouns); BA - for several very thorough reviews and subject-matter-expert input. Jeff Abbott, Dip Bus, Grad Cert Pub Sect Lead, MA - for timely advice and suggestions on marketability. Dene Vilkins, MA - for encouragement and advice. Huon Hassall, OAM - for assistance with clarifying the message, and improving the structure of the work. Rowley Alexander, Cert Mgt, Dip Proj Mgt - for helpful discussions and clarification of the validity of the currency concept. Margaret Turner, B.Sc, Grad Cert El. Comm, M. IT. - for a detailed analytical, critical review and constructive suggestions Andrew Crakanthorp, Tim Crakanthorp, Nev Schefe, David Miller, Rebecca Peet, Neil Alcorn, Jeremy Hornsby, Peter Harkin, Bryan Mardle, Hugh Mackay, Jeff Abbott, Shane Reiche, Rebecca Peet, Elissa Farrell, Catherine Doocey - for feedback, encouragement and advice
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6.2 Disclaimer and Context

While I have referred to this work as a thesis, it is not a strictly rigorous academic text. It has not been written in the context of a course of study, and hence does not seek to satisfy all the requirements of a tertiary institution-endorsed work. Whilst I have endeavoured to use the structure and mechanism of the propose-research-analyseconclude model, this examination has some of the characteristics of an opinion piece. While some of the evidence presented to support this theory of respect as a currency is objective, footnoted and referenced, some of it is also subjective and anecdotal. Not all the conclusions I arrive at will necessarily follow the propositions that precede them, and I may not have investigated all alternative or contingent propositions. Some suppositions have been used, instead of statements of fact. I acknowledge this, and suggest you simply consider the reasoning, recall the evidence of your own experience, and make your own judgement. The background and culture of the author is that of an Australian-born and raised, somewhat travelled, middle-class, tertiary-educated existentialist/utilitarian. While some reference is made to other nationalities and cultures, the mechanisms described here have been observed and studied principally in this local context, and from this limited viewpoint. Full applicability to all cultures is not claimed or assumed.
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6.3 Endnotes
In I. Good (ed.), The Scientist Speculates, p. 15, Basic Books, New York (1962) Not exclusively objective subject to the interpretation of the author. iii Tashakkori, A & Teddlie, C 1998, Mixed Methodology: Combining Qualitative and Quantitative Approaches, vol. 46, Applied Social Research Methods Series, Sage Publications, London. iv http://www.macquariedictionary.com.au - The Macquarie Dictionary Online 2011 Macquarie Dictionary Publishers Pty Ltd. v Alain de Botton, Status Anxiety, Penguin Books, 2004 vi http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Emperor%27s_New_Clothes vii Immediately following World War II, becoming a salaryman in Japan was viewed as a gateway to a stable, middle-class lifestyle. In modern use, the term carries associations of long working hours, low prestige in the corporate hierarchy, absence of significant sources of income other than salary viii Alain de Botton, Consolations of Philosophy, Hamish Hamilton, 2000 ix Xenophon, Memorabilia, II, 9, 39. x Cicero, On The Good Life, translated by Michael Grant, Penguin Books, London 1971 xi http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/respect/ xii Jean Jacques Rousseau, Discourse on the Origin of Inequality, 1754 xiii Respect the Formation of Character in an Age of Inequality Richard Sennett, Penguin Books, 2004 xiv http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Dewey xv http://www.quotesdaddy.com/author/John+Dewey xvi http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Maslow%27s_Hierarchy_of_Needs.svg xvii http://www.iloveulove.com/psychology/maslowhon.htm xviii Games People Play Eric Berne, M.D. Andre Deutch Limited, 1966 xix Games People Play Eric Berne, M.D. Andre Deutch Limited, 1966 xx Games People Play Eric Berne, M.D. Andre Deutch Limited, 1966 xxi Im OK Youre OK. Thomas A. Harris M.D, 1st published Johnathan Cape Ltd, 1970 (as The Book of Choice) xxii How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie, 1937 xxiii http://neweraleadership.blogspot.com/2007/06/deepest-principle-in-human-nature-is.html xxiv Stephen Covey , The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Restoring the Character Ethic Free Press, 1989 xxv Daniel Goleman, Emotional Intelligance Why it can matter more than IQ Bantam, 2006 xxvi Respect the Formation of Character in an Age of Inequality Richard Sennett, Penguin Books, 2004 xxvii Hugh Mackay, What Makes us Tick, Hachette Australia 2010. See also http://www.hughmackay.com.au/books xxviii A Vindication of the Rights of Women, Mary Wollstonecraft, London, 1972 xxix The Road Less Travelled, M. Scott Peck, Rider, 1978 xxx Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Robert M Pirsig, Great Britian, 1974, The Bodley Head. xxxi http://www.heraldsun.com.au/sport/afl/well-keep-anzac-day-game-collingwood-ceo-gary-pert/story-e6frf9jf1226044559117 xxxii http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wayne_Carey#cite_note-Mike_Sheahan.27s_top_50_players-0 xxxiii Queensland Public Service - http://www.psc.qld.gov.au/ xxxiv Malicious enjoyment derived from observing someone else's misfortune. http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Schadenfreude xxxv Hugh Mackay, What Makes us Tick, Hachette Australia 2010. xxxvi John Clarke, Working with Monsters , Random House Australia 2005 xxxvii http://www.inspire.com.ve/quotations/p.htm xxxviii iHR Australia Fact Sheet: Bringing out the Best in Gen Y 10 May 2011 xxxix Thomas Hobbes' Leviathan (1651) xl Jean-Jacques Rousseau's Du contrat social (1762) xli The principle of retributive justice. The meaning of the principle, an eye for an eye, is that a person who has injured another person receives the same injury in compensation. The exact Latin (lex talionis) to English translation of this phrase is actually "The law of retaliation." At the root of this principle is that one of the purposes of the law is to provide equitable retribution for an offended party. xlii Shantaram, Gregory David Roberts, Scribe Publications 2003 xliii Western Australian prison slang for a pedophile/child molester. Ref: http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/rock_spider xliv http://www.couriermail.com.au/news/queensland/chef-jiagen-pan-guilty-of-manslaughter-after-strangling-wife-sawingher-into-pieces-then-entombing-her-in-house/story-e6freoof-1226091254649 xlv The Bible Gods word or Mans? Watchtower Bible and Tract society of Pennsylvania 1989 xlvi The History of Christian Martyrdom, by John Foxe, 1873. xlvii http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christian_martyr xlviii http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Respect_agenda
ii i
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Respect the Formation of Character in an Age of Inequality Richard Sennett, Penguin Books, 2004 http://www.voterespect.org/ li Its antithesis, disrespect, is formally recognised in the Oxford English Dictionary as dissing. lii http://www.uefa.com/uefa/socialresponsibility/respect/index.html liii http://www.thefa.com/Leagues/Respect/NewsAndFeatures/2011/respectfc-170111 liv http://www.respectfootballclub.com/ lv http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Face_(sociological_concept) lvi Ho, David Yau-Fai (1976), "On the Concept of Face," American Journal of Sociology, 81 (4), 86784.[1] lvii Agassi, Joseph and Jarvie, I.C. (1969). "A Study in Westernization," In Hong Kong: A Society in Transition, ed. by I.C. Jarvie, pp. 129-163. Routledge & Kegan Paul. lviii http://www.islamreligion.com/articles/1721/ lix Im OK Youre OK. Thomas A. Harris M.D, 1st published Johnathan Cape Ltd, 1970 (as The Book of Choice) lx http://www.theage.com.au/business/federal-budget/deep-cuts-may-inoculate-against-future-pain-20110510-1ehkm.html lxi http://www.army.gov.au/Our-history/Traditions/The-Salute lxii William Bonner and Lila Rajiva, Mobs, Messiahs and Markets, (New Jersey, John Wiley and Sons 2007) lxiii Willcock, M.M. The Iliad of Homer (London,: Macmillan, 1978) lxiv http://warincontext.org/2010/04/12/respect-the-currency-of-infinite-value/ lxv http://www.nytimes.com/2006/07/13/opinion/13stewart.html lxvi George Herbert, English clergyman & metaphysical poet (1593 - 1633) lxvii Im OK Youre OK. Thomas A. Harris M.D, 1st published Johnathan Cape Ltd, 1970 (as The Book of Choice) lxviii Pride [goeth] before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall King James Bible, Proverbs 16:18 lxix Hugh Mackay, What Makes us Tick, Hachette Australia 2010. lxx Gary Cox, How to be an Existentialist , Continuum, 2009 lxxi How to Win Friends and Influence People - Dale Carnegie, 1937 lxxii Imagine John Lennon, 1971
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Its All about Respect

The role of respect in social transactions

It's all about Respect v5e

Front cover image reproduced with permission from http://arro-signs.co.uk

It's all about Respect v5e

It's all about Respect v5e

It's all about Respect v5e

It's all about Respect v5e

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2.3.1 Research Paradigm

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2.3.3 Notes on definitions

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Figure 3 Payment of respect, increasing self-esteem

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Figure 6 Drawing down a balance of external respect

Figure 7 Balances of self-esteem

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Figure 13 Respectable and disrespectable qualities, and tradeable respect

Policies, Promises + Payments of respect Ps reputation Votes

Goods and services

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3.3 Transaction Types

3.3.1 Positive / Positive (above the line) transactions: Mutual Respect

Figure 18 Paying respect, and strengthening a relationship

3.3.2 Positive / Negative (crossing the line) transactions: No Deal.

Dismissal / contempt Respect for A

Figure 19 Attempting a payment from a position of disrespect

3.3.3 Negative / Positive (crossing the line) transactions: Forced Payment

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Demand for payment

Figure 20 Payment under duress

3.3.4 Negative / Negative (below the line) transactions: Mutual Disrespect

Figure 21 Rivals 'crossing swords'

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3.4 Transactor Types

3.4.1 The Altruist

3.4.2 The Peacock

Respect for others

Attributes of others ignored

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3.4.3 The Arrogant Bully

Respect for others

3.4.4 The Sycophant

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3.4.5 The Depressive

Respect for others

Respect received from others but not credited

3.4.6 The Tragic / Aggressive

3.4.7 The Groupie or Worshipper

External observer Groupie

3.4.8 The Snob or Poser

Object of debatable value

Approval and imitation

Respect for object and Poser

3.4.9 The Rebel

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Disrespect for conformists

Figure 31 The Conformist

The Con Man.

The Idol / The Pedestal

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It's All About Respect

It's All About Respect