Burden of a Relationship 1

Burden of a Relationship

Submitted by: Sharmin Tasnim Kazi ID: 053296030

English 105, Section 2 Submitted to: Abdus Selim Spring 2009

Burden of a Relationship 2

The Burden of Relationships

Introduction:

As Cooley defines in his looking-glass self theory, every individuals perception of the self is always in relation to the mirror. However, if we apply this theory to a broader perspective, then the mirror can be replaced by the images of others. We notice the way people act towards us and pay attention to their cues. This has an impact on peoples thoughts of their images according to other peoples' opinions. The overall pattern of these reflections of other peoples opinions becomes a dominant aspect of their own identities. Cooley theorized that through this process of considering how others view us, we actually become the kind of person we believe others see us to be. Thus, an individual becomes an embodiment of several relationships in the society, through which s/he forms her/his own identity. In other words, the individual becomes the product of the society. And the society is the combination of several relationships that define who we are. Even though the function of relationships is to build the bridge between individuals and the society, sometimes they backfire and work against both the individual and the society.

Sociology, the study of society, looks into the relationship between the individuals and society. The reciprocal relationship is so strong that ones existence without the other cannot be imagined. And to maintain this nexus, social control is essential. There have been many sociological theories that try to define the societys function mechanisms and its

Burden of a Relationship 3 ways of controlling the individuals in a social context. The Control Theory assures in this respect that there is no community found, which exists without any form of social control being practiced there. No human being survives in isolation just as no society is devoid of individuals. Therefore, every society is based upon certain rules and regulations that help the society sustain itself.

Sociological Theories:

There are several theories of sociology that define the individual-society-social control nexus in different terms. For example, the Functional Theory sees the social world as "objectively real". Functionalists believe that rules and regulations help organize relationships between the members of a society. Values provide general guidelines for behavior in terms of roles and norms. Different organizations and institutions such as the family, religion, economy, educational and political systems are the major aspects of social structures. Institutions are made up of interconnected roles or inter-related norms. For example, inter-connected roles in the institution of the family are of wife, mother, husband, father, son, brother, sister and daughter.

Functionalists also believe that one can compare society to a living organism, in that both a society and an organism are made up of interdependent working parts (organs) and systems that must function together in order to help the greater body function properly. This organic analogy says that the different parts of society have to be seen in terms of their contribution in making the whole of societys functions.

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If we apply this theory to our real lives, we will see how different moral or ethical values are uniform in different institutions. These institutions can be called the agents of socialization, which work as units of the society, upholding the values the society wants them to. The unified norms could be universal values like telling the truth. Every unit of the society, from family to educational institutions and from religion to law-all of these emphasize on the necessity of truth in human life. So, we see how all of these agents work towards a single goal to establish for the society.

Conflict theory is another social theory which emphasizes a person's or group's ability to exercise influence and control over others, thereby affecting social order. It posits that individuals and groups struggle to maximize their benefits, inevitably contributing to social changes such as innovations in politics and outright revolutions. Conflict theory examines class conflict, such as that between the proletariat and bourgeoisie, and contrasts ideologies such as capitalism and socialism. It proposes that continual struggles exist among all different aspects of a particular society. These struggles do not always involve physical violence; they can be underlying efforts by each group or individual within a society to maximize its benefits. This theory emphasizes on the different distinctions that are visible in our societies like conflicts based on class, race, gender or religion. This theory gives equal place to conflict and harmony as two inevitable characteristics of the society, where one cannot exist without the presence of the other.

Burden of a Relationship 5 Similar to this theory is the Control Theory that declares that no society exists without any sort of control mechanisms for controlling its members. Every society has its significant units or agents of socialization that help maintaining the social order. It also emphasizes on the necessity of deviance and resistance in a society to let the authority establish its power against them and prove itself to be superior. To sustain itself, society itself gives rise to identify deviant acts and works against them.

Then comes the Interactionist Theory, which has become one of the dominant sociological perspectives in the world today. It promotes the idea that nothing in society is determined, and that people can break free of a label as individuals. This is sociology on the microlevel. Critics would say that it is merely a mild form of postmodernist theory. It focuses on the value of individuals and individual relationships, which most other sociological theories put in the background. Interaction between the individual and the society is a personal business, which is shown due respect through this theory. Often this relationship is ignored and the importance of individual beings social beings is foregrounded. But the very basic step of society, the individuals cannot be given less importance, as they construct the society. And the society is for the people, by the people; and not that individuals are for the society to be slaughtered. The first and foremost duty of the society is to ensure the security and individuality of its members, which the totalitarian societies often ignore. Democracy again, in the name of giving voice to all, categorizes the individual in a certain group where the individuals voice gets lost in many other similar voices of democracy.

Burden of a Relationship 6 Labeling Theory focuses on the linguistic tendency of majorities to negatively label minorities or those seen as deviant from norms. The theory is concerned with how the selfidentity and behavior of individuals may be determined or influenced by the terms used to describe or classify them, and is associated with the concept of a self-fulfilling prophecy and stereotyping. Unwanted descriptors or categorizations (including terms related to deviance, disability or a diagnosis of mental illness) may be rejected on the basis that they are merely "labels", often with attempts to adopt a more constructive language in its place. Categorization or stereotypes are two products of this theory. However, people have to suffer from many troubles due to the over-generalizations of their categories. Postmodernism again breaks through every categorization, claiming that nothing can be define in specific terms and conditions as every concept is built in relation to something else. As time changes, so do the different categories and thus all the stereotypes become relative. There is no static individual as every individual is on a continuous process of change and alteration.

Rumors or rivalry can also spread misconceptions about individuals that might hamper their personal lives. Sometimes their individual rights are ignored and they become passive puppets of the society. A person might be labeled as a thief by the society, where in real s/he is not a thief. But if once this image of that person is established, it is very hard to deconstruct this view of the society and reconstruct it into a positive one. So, in that case, is the society helping the individual or is it hampering the individuals life? These are the questions that need to be checked in the societies today, along with some more described below.

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Feminist theory of sociology again aims to understand the nature of inequality and focuses on gender politics, power relations and sexuality. While generally providing a critique of social relations, much of feminist theory also focuses on analyzing gender inequality and the promotion of women's rights, interests, and issues. The origin of feminism, the movement or the school of thought was genre inequality. The world is a patriarchal battlefield for females, where they have to struggle to survive as autonomous entities at every point. Feminist theory ensures that women have a different perspective of their lives and the world to that of males. Therefore, all the patriarchal systems might not work for them in a similar way to that they do for the males. Feminism thus raises the issues of difference in men and women by claiming womens rights, voice and equal position in the society. It also urges the freedom of choice for women, which has been highly exploited and manipulated by the male rulers of the world. Therefore, a huge reformation in the overall structure of the society might be needed.

The Agents of Socialization:

Family is generally the most powerful of all the agents of socialization. Family trains us from our childhood in a certain way and we grow accordingly. There are some teachings that the family initiates and we carry them out throughout our lives. It has the informal authoritative power over us that it exercises in almost every step of our lives. Sometimes the interference of the family members in all the aspects of our lives gets so

Burden of a Relationship 8 overpowering that we find it hard to cope with it. Since there, develops our urge to break free. The growth of individuality needs to be devoid of the shadows of the family.

Schooling or the educational system has its latent and manifest motifs. The educational institutions have formal authorities over us and they are entitled to teach us to act in a certain way in the society. They also teach us codes of conduct that the society needs to inject in us. These teachings are different from culture to culture and from one place to another. Each educational institution follows its societys needs and preferences that it expects its members to abide by.

Religion again has a huge grasp over our lives, in shaping our thoughts and life-styles. And family inserts the religious views in us as we do not choose our religions, but are born with it. Here, the authority of family comes into play once again as very rarely a case of religious digression or conversion is found. Individuals try to keep up with the religious expectations of his/her family generally, sometimes unconsciously and sometimes consciously to avoid social harassments. A convert may often be called a deviant citizen of the society, for going against his/her family beliefs.

Ones culture plays a major role in shaping ones personality, where the characteristics inherited from the culture are sometimes autonomous and often forcefully attributed. An individual is supposed to act according to his/her cultural expectations, within its framework. However, not all cultures expect its members to behave in the same way. Cultural diversity leads to different ways of life along with parallel norms and values. So,

Burden of a Relationship 9 migration or immigration of individuals from one culture to another can bring a vast change in their appearances and performances, which are often highly criticized. But if the individuals do not change according to their surroundings, then it becomes hard for them to adjust to those new surroundings. It thus becomes a question of survival for them, and does not remain a matter of choice.

It is often said that one is known by the company one keeps. It is true to the extent where peer groups and workplace play major roles in altering the nature of the individuals. Peer groups often create peer pressure that leads to an alteration in the appearance or the performance of the individual. If a person works in a place for eight-ten hours daily with the same bunch of people, it is very normal to be effected by the environment of that place. Thus, the colleagues, the cubicles or the setting of the workplace can add to the personality of the individual in various ways.

The police, law or legal system and the state are interlinked in their exercise of power in such a way that they are inseparable. The state governs the laws that the police ensures to be followed. These agents of socialization give weight to the norms and values of a society by giving them legal positions. Some acts are defined as deviant, where some are marked as criminal acts. The concepts of crime and deviance also vary from one society to another, one culture to the other or even from one individual to the other. What seems to be a deviant act to one person might appear as a perfectly normal phenomenon to another. For example, cohabitation in our society is looked at as a deviant act, where in the West, it is a perfectly normal relationship and often as respected as marriage.

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The Burdens: The thin line between hegemonic relationships and forceful ones often gets blurred. Antonio Gramsci defines hegemony as the power that is exercised with the consent of its subjects. The way in which the family exercises its power over us could be an example of a hegemonic power relationship. The formation of relationships takes place in such an unconscious level that it takes time for individuals to decide which ones they chose and which ones were thrust upon them. Again, we are born with some relationships and some we develop over the years. Biological relationships, which are expected to serve all the needs of an individuals life often fails to do so. It is even funny, how we get to know our life-partners, or spouses in other words much later in life, but we decide to spend the rest of our lives with them. A stranger becomes the companion for all the pains and gains of the major portion of our lives. And this leads to the formation of a new family. So, at this point, which family should gain more importance in the individuals life-the previous one or the new one? This is another question that can be posed to the traditional system of the concept of family.

Arranged marriage is another scary concept to most of the modern people. One person is married off to a stranger, whom s/he is supposed to learn to love and to deal with perfectly. If s/he fails to do so, the almost deviant act of divorce might take place. And if the couple has children, then they have to think about the future of their children and sacrifice their whole lives compromising and bearing with their spouse, whom they do not wan to live with. But does the greater society that points a finger at this couple really have anything to

Burden of a Relationship 11 do with these peoples lives or fate? Are the people suffering in marriage, be it arranged or love marriage, bound to carry the burden of their broken relationships throughout their lives only for the sake of the society which is made for the comfort of individuals only?

Some values or ethical learning are internalized in us in such a way that we seem to lose our ability to rationally think of their origins and uses. We become so conservative to preserve certain values that we even bring our humanity in question to fight for them. Killing people in the name of religion could be a perfect example of such nonsensical incidents taking place throughout the world over the ages. Or, the disrespect a single mother would receive in our society only for not having a piece of paper to give her child a fathers name authorized by the law, could be an example of this conservative internalization of social norms.

The concept of age and its politics in the hierarchical nature of relationships can be brought into consideration to weigh the burden of relationships on the shoulders of the individuals. The traditional belief has somehow become that age is synonymous to experience or knowledge. But the fact remains that a person can be very old having no knowledge of the things his/her children do, due to the advancement of science and technology. Age does not necessarily bring maturity or experience. This misconception is again established by the society to maintain a hierarchy, for its anticipated betterment. A ninety-year old guy, having no exposure to computers cannot claim to know more about computers than a nineteen year old computer geek. This theory can also be applied in personal life, in decision making on a daily basis. Thus, this difference in appearance and performance is

Burden of a Relationship 12 given many names like generation gap, but yet not thrown away completely by stating that age does not give superiority to people over the youngsters. However, whatever the case be, young people are always expected to respect their elders and abide by their opinions and suggestions, be those helpful or not.

Opening the newspapers, some news are found to be shocking in the sense that they are self-conflicting and challenge the overall motif of the society. News like husband killing wife due to infidelity, or single mother committing suicide or perhaps lovers running away and committing suicide together out of fear of their families are news that disturb us immensely. At such moments, we are forced to ask ourselves, is this what the society offers to its member? Is any relationship worthy of causing the murder of any other relationship? Is fear more powerful than love? Is rationality more acceptable than emotions? These questions trouble us in such ways that relationships start to seem to be suffocating. But that was never the aim of relationships at the first place. Relationships are supposed to mean strength, harmony and happiness, rather than violence and suffocation. Relationships are blessings and not burdens. And it is the duty of the individuals to decide which of these two do they want to choose for the betterment of their own lives.

Conclusion:

Burden of a Relationship 13 Thus, we see, how in every step of life, the society demands confrontation from the individuals and deviation is not at all accepted. Cultural diversity and the demand of time and age are ignored to establish unified roles of individuals by limiting their scopes. Creativity, versatility and individuality are discouraged to uphold traditions and predictions. But is the individual bound to maintain all these burdens and make his/her life miserable just for the sake of the society? Will the society be able to fill up the emptiness of that individual if s/he feels isolated, alienated and lonely at the end of the day, when the lights are off and no one is around? The answer to this question is unfortunately, no. Therefore, it is high time that the society reconciles its relationship with the individuals to make sure that they become parts of the society willfully and participate in the social acts with pleasure and satisfaction. Society should not throw random responsibilities towards the individuals and give them enough space to establish their own identities as proud individuals of a certain society.

Sample questionnaire:

Burden of a Relationship 14 This survey is undertaken for a thesis paper and the findings are for personal use only. Your information will be kept confidential. Please put a tick mark on the appropriate alternative of you choice. This will take just a few minutes. Your age: i) 18-25 ii) 25-33 iii) 33-40 iv) 40 and above Gender: i) M ii) F 1. You have always been your own decision makeri) True ii) False 2. Ever felt that the individual right to choose what you want to do with you life was violated/dishonored? i) Yes ii) No 3. Do you often feel that other peoples decisions are imposed on you? i) Yes ii) No 4. Do you think living for others is more important than living for oneself? i) Yes ii) No 5. How often do you feel that you are doing things for others, not yourself? i) Most of the time ii) Sometimes iii) Not that often 6. Are you the one who choose the educational institution you are going to/went to? i) Yes ii) No 7. Do you often experience that you cannot do certain things of your liking just because others will not approve of it? i) Yes ii) No 8. Do you frequently feel that you cannot do certain things because you partner does not want you to do so? i) Yes ii) No

Burden of a Relationship 15 9. At some point in your life, have you experienced that the people and the relationships around you are choking/strangling you? i) Yes ii) No 10. Do you sometimes wish that you were not in a relationship with your partner at all? i) ii) Yes, I do No, I do not

Thank you so much for you honest opinion and priceless time.

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Data presentation
Question No Answer Yes No Total

1 2 3 4 6 7 8 9 10

2 21 22 15 5 24 19 18 23

23 4 3 10 20 1 6 7 2

25 25 25 25 25 25 25 25 25 25

Bibliography: www.wikipedia.com http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Looking_glass_self www.google.com www.thedailystar.net http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antonio_Gramsci

Burden of a Relationship 17 http://linkinghub.elsevier.com/retrieve/pii/S0304395905004793 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theory_of_Constraints http://web.grinnell.edu/courses/soc/s00/soc111-01/IntroTheories/Conflict.html Pease. Allan & Barbara (2004) Why men can only do one thing at a time and women never stop talking