1993 (No date) Study list (1989 to present) MTP Liber AL The law is for all Tao te Ching

Magick without tears I Ching Tree of life -- regardie Equinox of the gods The sacred tarot- zain Book of black magic -- Waite Alchemists through the ages -- Waite Transcendental magic -- Levi Kundalini -- Gopi Krishna The serpent power Archetypes on the tree of life -- Compton Real magic -- bonewits Egyptian book of the dead Tibetan book of the dead Golden dawn ritual tarot -- Cicero The key of the mysteries The Gnostic gospels Art and practice of Cabala magic -- ophiel Enochian magic -- Schueler (another fine (?) Llewellyn publication) Twentieth century magic and the old religion -- Richardson (real good for seeing what mythopoetic archetypes are and how priestesses and priests use them. ) The shaman's doorway Complete astrological writings of Aliestair Crowley The book of the sacred magic of abremalin the mage Black elk speaks Transcendental magic The projection of the astral body Freedom is a two edged sword

1/11/93 Forget which day it was as it's now 1/26 and Frater A has only recently said this was a good idea.

Why I went up to his place (Fra J) I forget but he proceeded to thoroughly slander in any way possible me, Fra A (us primarily), all of K.R. He said the oasis is full of over -- 30 bigots who hate blacks and homosexuals. This is what he's been going around doing for months. Present were two males of under - twenty or thereabouts who were apparently living there (though I don't know.) I defended by saying that we have people that are black and under 30 (which is true.) one young man said that we could have let the black and under -- thirties in just in order to show that was that no prejudice. Another judgment made without getting information. Fra J was rude, nasty, called me a bitch in front of these people as well as other things. If this is his idea of fraternity he needs to go somewhere else for his initiation and giggles. 1/23/93 Fra J called Fra A a homophobe and a liar. Of course I had to tell Fra A. 1/25/93 Fra A said Fra J called him and wants third degree, Gnostic wedding and a whole bunch of other stuff. Like something for a camp. After all the slander? And he hasn't done any of it to his face. Also referred to me by my last name which Fra A thought was impersonal. Also, called me ? An untrustworthy redhead, vindictive, lying, and who knows what else. The insults come every day and most are repeated. I've heard him say the things to others when he thinks I'm not listening, at least once. Wants to buy abramelin oil. 1/20/93 Today I'm a slanderous bitch. Doesn't believe he's not getting a camp charter. Wants the second degree study guide, and quotes the Link wherein says they are out and I should give it to him. The way he's acting I won't give him the time of day. He interrupted a business meeting at the Leavenworth cafe I was trying to have with a woman about a job. As if his business was more important than my survival. He said he'd get the study guide and oil from Fra A. Bet Fra A would rather give him the back of his hand. Like Id like to. He got a letter from Michael yesterday. 1/29/93 Fra J came by for money and was real nasty as usual. Call me the usual names. Claimed to be perfect, and never did anything wrong. Everybody else is at fault, whatever it is. And I alone have made his life hell. What can I do to break this hold Fra A has on the entire situation?

Three wands reversed, three swords, Knight Cups, World reversed, moon reverse, knight swords reverse, chariot reversed, ten wands, Four disks reversed, Sun. Ship coming in across water from subconscious are not arriving reason is Three swords. What can I do to get his attention away from Ms. A? Seven cups, Six cups, page swords, Wheel, Chariot reversed, four wands reverse, two wands reversed, ten cups, queen cups rev, page disks. 2/7/93 sun Aquarius moon Leo end of full; physically tired, emotionally uptight & tense, Weather cold and gray Did a full moon ritual as per book of ritual magic that I st2rted all this magical mayhem with. Using new censer. OK! It's been an unusually tense, uptight full moon weekend with all sorts of trouble and shenanigans going on with just about everyone I know. I got (?), I fell in the hallway and landed partially on my newly -- rehabilitated right side (yow), Mr. D's in an uproar and Fra A working all weekend. Fra. I's having group trouble and I'm sore about all of it. So, why do I want to try to draw down a full moon which is getting blamed for all of this? Because I want to reinforce my contact with the Lady and I know it's not the moon effect's fault. Sure, it doesn't help, but it's not the only thing going on. Used the grail, it's still active. Used red wine, don't have any white. Used Fan in the east, can't find a dagger yet. During the near-- end part where are you supposed to dance, I did circumambulations spinning deosil. Used a goddess -- name in each quarter. East -- Diana, south -- Astarte, west -- Demeter, north -- Isis. Don't know if they're appropriate to the quarters but did the best I could on the spur of the moment. Due to above conditions, not. But it was done and something had to have happened. Since it's five days later that I'm writing this. I can say that there is some affect as far as strengthening the forms of the goddess but have as yet had a ritual use for them. 2/14/93 Mass discussion: The mass as: -- A magical ritual -- A Eucharist -- A dramatic ritual -- A passion play -- Psychological -- Sociological

-- Temple layout in the TOL -- Relevance of what happens on each "sphere" to the SPHERE'S meaning and energies -- Building up energies on the serpentine dance. Magical: a -- charging the salt and water and b -- Charging the fire and air c -- Raising the dead i.e. getting the priest out of the tomb D-sex magic -- empowering the priest; how does the priestess have the power to do this? 1 -- She builds up energy doing the serpentine dance and passes it on 2--m & f: active and passive powers e -- Congregation position during speech of three steps: what is it doing? 1--Hands are in position of crown chakra. Is it directing attention to the area? 2--is it true that "beams" of energy, come naturally out of fingertips, which at that time are pointed up, "aspiring to the highest?" 3--Do these beams attempt to make contact with the highest? f -- Priest -- three steps speech -1--is he invoking Nuit, Hadit, rhk? 2--If so, what is priestess supposed to be doing? G -- priestess -- Nuit's speech 1--invoking Nuit, or is the priest's speech all that is necessary? I do my own channeling, thank you! 3/2/93 I believe there is a soul which wishes to manifest through me. At this time, I am not sure; but the thought occurred to me while driving around. Describing how it feels is difficult. Having the sudden idea that this is what's happening with this astral -- like presence is unusual. And I can't describe it any further. I have questioned it. I thought, maybe it's just the forerunner of a magical child. No. Do you realize that there will be pain and sorrow, and that the veil is very difficult to handle, as well as a human body? Yes. So, if it is true, and all this is true too, then we have a soul that is cognitive and willing and aware of what will happen. I can't help but wonder, why me? What about me is it attracted to? But mostly, is this a reality or am I just projecting frustrated mother? This kind of thing takes a lot of work, and I have always been lazy. plus,, I am alone, no man cares for me or loves me , so I will not have a child alone, at least as far as I know. 3/4/93

That transiting cardinal cross is still giving me hell. If I felt better I'd call it a blessing. Sor X has called Sor B and Fra H to yak about what she and I said over the long distance. What the hell do these people think is going on? Total anarchy? No privacy? Heres a list of things the cardinal cross has provided as "challenges ": Fra J leaving -- though it's mostly a blessing Intestinal flu The ms job Car trouble A bill from the hospital though I'm supposed to be on phc.

And3/15/93 sun Pisces moon sag cardinal cross transiting Its been a real busy evening on the astral. Feeling all day like I had to get home to do something, it started before I hit the door. First there was that sex magick healing of my shoulder to do, during which I got the latest missive from Nuit. Saying basically to put the incense in the cakes of light. The image was of putting the particles of frankincense and myrrh and sandalwood into the cakes of light batter, and that this is Her incense, She said. Since I was in the middle of an act of sex magick, I figured the elixir was included too, but only if it was made "unto me". Makes sense. To some degree, anyway. Then I was seized upon by the Lady to write my article on Priestessing, couldn't even rest till that was done, about twelve handwritten pages too. Skye is still on the lower astral plane. She's wearing glasses now. Seems to be more cognitive. Asked her the other day to show me her baby hood stage; she is a blonde baby, fair -- skinned, quite a happy baby. Showed her in a child safety seat in the car, don't know why. Maybe it's a projection of my mind. She followed me around today, doesn't want to let go of mommy. She was curious as to what I was doing when I was away from home, or the astral plane, or both. She was quite sad until I recently realized that, like a physical child, she reflected the mood of the parents, so I decided to cheer up so she wouldn't be so melancholy. Worked pretty well, on both of us. I wrote all that stuff; then Mr. D called and read in a book how to make an elemental or summon one, and there he was in all his froggy glory, , green, wed footed , wed fingered , wart--bestowed thing with a web -- like ears, bulbous eyes and a wide slit for a mouth.. Nose holes. Fra A said it was a water elemental from the frog -- like appearance. It appeared at midnight when the moon was in Capricorn. Figures. Mr. D is Pisces and I'm Capricorn, he's the sun, I'm the moon. Formula follows true. Oh -- after I got done with the writing, I saw the mark of the beast on the wall. The entity involved said I can have my beast soon. I asked for now, but I know it doesn't mean that. This is all yesterday and its 3/16 now and no one's seen a leprechaun yet. Message from the inner about Skye: she is the Ace of swords, the child of Maat and Tehuti, the child of the balance.

3/18/93 sun Pisces moon Aqua blasted cardinal crossed transit

Not much progress with the astral entities. I think I have gone about as far with them as I can with them seeing as how there still on the astral. I kept thinking that maybe these two were what the kid would be like if I had a baby with each of these two men. Typical woman eh? But Skye is a human form, and Mr D's came about after he had read the conjuration of an elemental. Besides, it looks like he'd be retarded anyway. Yesterday my HGA told me that he (Mr. Dees "kid") was beautiful on the inside, though he's froggy on the outside. I asked Wynnarde if Skye was beautiful on the inside, and he said that only I can answer that; so I am not sure what he's trying tune get me to see this time. It has forced me to observe more closely though. How can she be less beautiful than myself on the inside since she is part of me? And just one step from manifestation too. I feared that Skye was beautiful just on the outside; she is not, however, perfect in any way. Just because she's contoured in a pleasing manner doesn't guarantee anything. And funny isn't it how these reflections on offspring on the lower astral reflect my seeing things on the corporeal level. I wonder what the essence of these things are. Could Skye really manifest? Are Fra A and I really gods, that we could create a soul? Why not? Or did we create a matrix of some kind of energy that a soul has been or could be attracted to? Skye's characteristics & appearance are a combination of his and mind, and not unlikely that I should be seeing the combination of our Venus natal influences. What part of me is Mr. D's, and we don't even have a name for it. I didn't name him; I named Skye, which is the name I had always wanted to give a daughter. "Otto" must be a part of me but I am failing to see it, perhaps due to some prejudice on my part. I am told he is here for me, to influence me, or for me to learn by. 3/21/93 sun Aries moon Pisces cardinal crossed transiting damn it Mass: I was NOT priestess. Always said I got more out of the sidelines anyway. Health: last wisdom tooth wants to come out; shoulder still bothering me; tired. Emotional conditioning: terrible. Emotional condition: lonely. Up and okay but lonely. After all, it's spring. Personality - wise he's a spoiled royal brat. First thing I felt was the crown of Upper Egypt. What the hell is this, I said. Then noticed the rest of him. The finger on the lips was a dead giveaway. Doesn't talk as other gods and goddesses do; it's more of a psychic whisper due to the silence mandate, I guess. Didn't keep him from being childish though. I asked him what he was doing here, he said he want to watch the Mass. He recognized the Egyptian parts but not the rest that weren't. He said the unicursal hexagram on Fra B's robe looked vaguely familiar and that there was an Egyptian symbol similar to it. Actually, I had asked him if he recognized it to see if he did, as a test of who he was. He liked the lamen on the back of Fra B's robe but didn't understand it. Didn't even recognize the priestess, I surmised because she's female; he gave nonverbal indications of being very misogynistic, Dont know that's in general or just in the ritual priesthood -- type attitude. Somehow I was having some trouble holding the god -- form. I believe it's because its a god and not a goddess. Looks like I'm gonna have to put to work my own professed

attitude of work on your weaknesses, even though my job is the Divine women Feminine. Still didn't like him, though; needed a spanking. 3/22/93 sun Aries moon Pisces heavenly cardinal cross transit Asked today how does Skye become the ace of swords and this supposed great leader. Answer was, by manipulation of events. Wonderful. Can't she be a veterinarian or something? Answer basically no. Card readings on Oasis after approximately two -- year quiet period. Look hopeful. Maybe folks will have been able to work out their individual lives by then and be ready to get started on some real spiritual work. Fra A has preached separativeness so much that that is exactly what has happened. There's not much in the way Of fraternity going on. In my opinion he has brainwashed the persons in the group into this separativeness by stressing individuation, so that's what they're doing. It goes beyond just having to take care of personal lives. I don't know how to define what fraternity activities would counter indicate this. I for one am tired of only having the OTO stuff to relate to people on. I'm so tired of it I'm going to leave if it doesn't change. Fuck this shit, I have a life to live, is my feeling. And if the things that we all took oaths on, the concept of the OTO are not part of our lives, what the hell. I didn't come here to continue to be lonely.

3/31/93 Actually 4/1/93 am 130 sun Aries moon crab cardinal cross still pestering me Am practicing for Nuit's night. Mixed up the incense like the supposed message said. LBRP, LBRH, star ruby, GIRP. Do have that feeling of cleanliness but it could be better. Star ruby much more intense, involved. Still expect to feel the GIRP like it did the one night when the fire got out of control somewhat but I suppose that's standing in my way. Read Nuit's chapter. Used incense. Not sure I like the smell. Used frater Angelico in this batch of cakes mixture so it's not a wine smell. Maybe it's the wrong thing to use. I'll make some more strictly as per recipe. Walked deosil around altar as I read. Am tired so perhaps not the right time, but I said I was just practicing so perhaps that stood in my way. Will have to aspire for a better Effect; also am out of practice; must practice before going to KC too. Not long ago, when my conditions were much poorer and I thought I had nothing to lose by letting go of this plane and taking on Nuit (or anything else), it worked much better; and I was also doing it more often. My attitude was I was not going to have any love or anything on this plane and I was bound and determined to do this well as long as this was all I was going to be able to do for the rest of my life. But part of the results I wanted was for my conditions to get better. Since they have (or have they really?) (somehow I don't think so) I seem to have dropped that attitude. So, I am really just playing with myself. I

swore to myself that I wouldn't do this, and I know one thing for damn sure -- I don't get the secret Glory by doing anything but doing everything unto Her! And I've been neglectful of it partially because of life rearrangements. I must stick by my guns! I must resist temptation away from it! She is all and nothing to me. I really don't have anything to lose. I must aspire harder. I have bought the Herkimer diamond for the crown. Gods, it was ten bucks! Feels good with the amethyst and moonstone, too, and Lapis. Well, it feels "good" with any stone, as it's the focusing crystal, but they feel right together for the crown. Fra A's mother was at it again today I scolded her in no uncertain terms that I was not doing her work here; I have already put into too much wasted time on him already and was not doing any more and told her blatantly if she doesn't do her own work she will be stuck on this plane as she is for eternity and the whole situation will be stuck in stasis forever. So mote it be. Not my will be just the way things are. Skye screams every time I think about abandoning here and the whole work I've done here. Never heard a kid scream on the astral before. Covering ears doesn't help. But I can't help it; they don't understand what it's like here. I can find ways of affecting the astral, surely they can find ways of affecting the physical plane.

3/30/93 sun Aries moon cancer still cardinal cross transit Report on Skye: she seems to have grown; is smiling more now. She seems taller too; maybe it's because seeming older she has lost the teenage gangliness. And is more sure and confident having been through trials successfully. I wonder if her development has something to do with the progression of the cardinal cross; I know mine does. Perhaps she is stronger because her mother is stronger. Healing: My period is late by a week appx.and that always worries me. Current hypothesis, being that I inherited my mother's sexual hang-ups, and having tension in that body part which cuts off functioning and blood. Worrying only makes it worse. And it is hard for me to tell if it is just the natural start of menopause or me messing with the process due to inherited hang-ups. I have no other symptoms of menopause. This morning I spent 30 minutes in corpse posture on the bed breathing into svadhisthana with a four count to relax and clear out the bollixed -- up energies I know are down there. Also tends to relax the musculature of the area. Tonight I'm having mild sort of cramps. Hard to tell If my efforts have "started" the period or not, or if the effort relaxed enough to clear out some of the hang ups. Earlier today while I was driving I suddenly relaxed all up and down the spinal system and had very well -- balanced kundalini rushes. I have never simply opened the system before just by thinking about it. Usually it takes several minutes at least of concentration and relaxation. But I was able to relax almost instantly, inasfar at least as the kundalini system is concerned. Why didn't I attempt a healing on Mr M a more at Demicon with his polio acting up? For one, I was exhausted and pissed about the car. Second, there wasnt any privacy to be had; this takes quiet and concentration. Third, I don't think he's really open to things like this but I'm not sure. I had my healing stones with me just for a case like this but it takes

serious conditions of intent and acceptance for it to be effective and I'm not about to waste time and effort.

4/1/93 Sun Aries moon crab or lion colonel cross still on the getting to where I can handle it A constant flow of kundalini all the way from muladhara to shushumna is evident now. It could be that I finally have the system balanced but not to jump to conclusions. There are still many blockages, practicality in svadhisthana, probably due to being programmed with sexual hang-ups. Nuit sure wants me fully functional. Maybe She picked on me because I was willing. Maybe this is possible for anyone willing to do as much work with Her. Don't know. Also, it is easier for me to concentrate and direct energies after much long work trying to shoot one direction at will than all directions at once hoping to hit something; in other words, I scatter my forces much less than I used to. Directing energies, magical or kundalini, for healing as per the experiment with my shoulder was quite successful up to its Point. The shoulder is doing well it seems that the effect is that I started a process for its healing to go through, with help from Taking care of it and not straining it. It's possible that this is one of my healing "styles", but it takes cooperation on the part of the Healee for it to work. I'm most cooperative with myself, of course. Remains to be seen how it works with others. Also, my hypothesis that healing works best Hands -- on is supported by several experiences. Outside of just common knowledge of healing touch; even though ultrasound and electrotherapy are devices which transmit sound waves and electricity, both of which can travel through the air, their use requires an oily substance on the Skin and actual attachment to the body. I'm sure that if these processes worked with no touch at all they might have been developed that way since it's really inconvenient to attach the devices to the body, especially for certain kinds of invalid persons. While the energies we use in magick are Evident in the presence of the temple, it always requires handling the weapons themselves and not just looking at them, even if there are beams coming out of fingers and eyes. Anything else I can think of as an argument for touching for healing? On the other hand, people can touch for years and not transmit anything of value much less of themselves because they're so bollixed up. Skye: I had not realized until tonight how important she is. I'm getting scolded on all levels for thinking about ditching being here. I ask for help then! I'm getting influenced, no, shouted at, from all levels. Outside just the biological woman's desires, I get it on the spiritual level, all the way to higher-ups, the Lady, the Lord, the ascended masters, every discarnate I ever had any idea of. The cacophony is tremendous and it's been distracting me all day. I suspect as I always do that sexual energies and awakening kundalini levels enhance my perceptions. Probably true. Nuit is adamant but gentle. Trying to remind me of the passions involved. All I gotta say is, get the father to cooperate!

The kundalini rashes are so intense; it opens every chakra on the way. My third eye hurts, anahata feels like it's extending way beyond my shoulders, I can only hope I can manage to stabilize at a point that I won't drop down past ever again. This has the potential to heal far beyond what I could before and the ninth degree secret is in there somewhere. Also Nuit's secret glory can connect in somehow but I have not seen the connection point yet, just that this can power the aspiration. Oh the profane, it is killing me! Let me purge myself of it for eternity, it hurts. Not compatible with sacred at all. What ecstasy to be free of profanity once and for all. Anger is profanity, it hurts. Disunity hurts, don't I know it. The profane kills everything, it is not an affirmation of life. This whole process of thinking about leaving her is disunity and it hurts. This engaging my energies from here would be like suicide. I could no more disengage from here and past events and cut my spine and live. But I cannot live the immature bullshit and examples around me. I don't think I can do anything about it. Oh the ecstasy of further unity! And the Lady. She loves Hadit. Ive always known it. A passion which engages in every level of existence. Few can handle that, or dare! I DARE! Ritual: still preparing for Nuit's night. The incense is starting to smell terrible, probably due to presence of hazelnut liquor. Got out the mass grail and polished it and held it while circum ambulating. Whoa, start at the beginning. I masturbated almost to orgasm and began. LBRP, LBRH, star ruby, GIRP. They were great! Banishing effect of cleanliness much better. Transmutation of base energies proceeding well. Concentration getting better. Star ruby great, no need for twirling really but might up the effect. Reading chapter very energetic and understanding on every page increasing. Banishing effectiveness makes invocation much more pronounced and clear. When I got home I could see the barest hint of the blue star field in the room. Wonder if I could be making her secret temple in some way though I know it doesn't refer to a physical place necessarily. Anyway, circumambulating deosil while

4/2/93 Entire life interrupted. Aunt Ruth called to say that mom is in hospital And not expected to live. Drop everything and go. 4/3/93 Staying in mom's house in Wichita, Mom is not conscious. When I held her hand I was (?) by the extent of the deterioration of her health, there was nothing I could do. except prepare and balance her spiritual body for Exit. We believe she was hanging on to see Ashley born.

I have been doing banishings in the room I'm staying in, working on the star ruby and continuing reading Nuit's chapter in Preparation for Nuit's night which I'll go back in time for. Tammy, my sister law, is interested in tarot and astrology, and says she and my brother got a Ouija board. He is very skeptical of those things, and I told him that was a wise attitude. From this house, I get the feeling that she really didn't care about this stuff. Not much energy put into it, this Excess of jewelry and material objects. She was always interested only in superficial beauty. It is hard going through the pictures and looking at the images of a life I don't really understand because she never let me know her as a person. Maybe there wasn't much of a person. Now that "Mom" is gone, maybe I have a chance to influence my brother a long healthier ways. 4/4/93 Mom died this morning. Kevin does not want to let go. Somehow, I felt she was not there in all the time that I was here. I think she was wanting to go but still fettered by the physical body being alive. I think she knew what she was doing, and did not want to live. She had ordered not to be revived if her heart stopped. In the afternoon we made Arrangements at Calvary mortuary and went to my brother's place. There she was in the kitchen. It was seven hours after she died. She had possibly followed us. She was confused but peaceful. She appeared younger and not as heavy, perhaps about 40. She was wearing some green and blue loose dress or robe. She kept looking around and raising her arms and letting them drop in a helpless gesture but, like so many others, was confused. Still tied to earth plane. I said, what you doing here? No real response. She went to the baby's room but that's all I can tell. Otherwise she just hung around and I had things to do other than pay attention to her just standing around. I think it was this night or Monday that I threw the pentagram into the south and it stuck in the wall of above the bed I was sleeping in. I can feel the house and things that went on in it. Violence. Terrible emotional illness and lack of real concern for living. I didn't need this influence but the banishings helped -a lot. Frank was a sick fucker. 4/12/93 I have the desire in a part of me that is trying to call my mother back from the dead to get from her that which she owes me. But so far I get no response or its garbled. Probably she did not have a developed enough body of light to be "together" in the "afterlife." or it got an abomination of light appearing, if it could appear all, a malformed light body. No, I know she didn't have a body of light form. (?) well enough because that's what I tried to do for her when I got there. Every time I read the book of Babalon I channel the force and it grabs hold of me. But it is a part of me else I wouldn't be able to do that.

4/14/93 sun Aries moon I dunno cardinal cross effects fading Yes, the effects of the cardinal cross are fading, as I knew they would. That feeling of tension is listening, and I can only hope that I have handled the challenges handed me during this time successfully. My period Seems about to start, even, after seven weeks gone. Maybe. If so, I suppose I can chalk some of it up to the tension and stress of the cardinal cross handling. I can say that my reactions to the felt tensions have been to be positive, strong, wanting to get through it and handle it rather than ignore it with my head in the sand. Perhaps I felt it more strongly than others because I have a cross natally (cardinal .) The "hologram" of the book of Babalon really works. It was difficult Monday night (4/12/93) to shake off the effects of the channeling. I put the two and half pages of the eight by ten pages of the book of Babalon on one sheet, having reduced them in size, and maintained attention on it. No need to go through the entire invoking process, at least not for me. There is the fact that I do channel (or invoke somehow naturally), quickly, without having to go through a lot of wordy sermons or setting up temples or altars, any part of the Goddess, particularly ones I have I have an overt affinity for like Nuit and Isis and Maat, and now, Babalon, I find. Though Fra A tells me that Isis and Babalon are the dualistic parts, lower level parts of Nuit. I went through a short list of goddesses also Monday night, asking Nuit if these were intrinsic parts of her. She said yes to Isis and Babalon, no to Gaia and Aradia. I will have to do more later. That's a real short list. Looking out my window toward the east, I see star shaped twinkling lights, of Omaha, shining in the darkness like stars in the body of Nuit. If my contact with Her, since that one fateful day in 1991, ever went away, I would be left empty and near dead. I can remember what it was like without that; I don't want to feel that again. All the time I spent, cut off from the divine --! It is a living death indeed. And I can't stand hardly being close to those who have no sense of the divine about them. The more the better. As to my mother's death, I feel a loss and I hadn't expected to feel, maybe she did give me what I had needed all this time and I didn't make knowledge it. The last time I was there she hugged me like I never felt before. But, what am I supposed to feel and think when my childhood was so violent and unstable and it's her fault? Put the blame elsewhere? Not blaming comes up as an idea. Why I want to blame the guy and almost an is beyond me. Truth is, the kind of close contact you expect between mother and child never developed as it did for her and my brother. I did know what to do; I was going to attend to heal both of us with confrontation and 4 /17/93 sun Aries moon Pisces Skye: she is still bugging me for manifestation. I told her to go bug her father (typical eh?). She said she's not really a magician and that he is really hard to get through to. I told her that she has to be persistent and that life is like that and that it would be even worse

here in manifestation. So she might as well learn that now. I think she's really sort of flustered about it right now. It remains to be seen what she will do. Went to Micron today and I've never felt an atmosphere of tension like this. Made me sick at my stomach which is usually a sign of the energies involved being from manipura. Very little at svadhisthana and none above manipura. An air of contention, ill feelings, selfishness (not the productive kind), vying for position, all disguised as sickening politeness. Misogyny was plain to see, as the old boy network was in place and they all vie with each other while being polite. It's sick. Quite literally. Disguised competition. But I've never felt it in such a concentrated form before. I've felt open, known hostility that flowed freely even though people weren't saying anything about it, but this felt like stuff that has been festering for a long time. Had I not been heartened by Clare to keep manipura closed due to recent events and had natural strength, I could easily have gotten very sick indeed. Is Empathy a gift or curse? One wonder sometimes, and if it is not both in a balanced view point. I was able to throw off the effect but its a new one to me. The events around mom's death have opened me up like being hewn with an ax, I'm glad I've learned techniques to throwing off influences and protecting myself. I have regrets that I will not be able to tell mom what a strong, gentle man I have fallen in love with. Not that I ever expected her to react, or understand, or accept anything about me or my life just as is, without not liking it because she knows everything like a typical fixed sign. But the heart doesn't know any of that. It just idealizes and feels. 4/19/93 sun Aries moon Aries cardinal cross fading Barely feel like writing. Still having shock symptoms. We think it's a shock to the psyche of death being so final. Not like someone went on a cruise for awhile. Having the mind all arranged about it doesn't help the gut -- level feeling. Am experiencing usual symptoms of avoiding handling something like escapism in the form of food, TV, lack of concentration and my gut -- levels not being handled are making me sick. However they do mean there is a lot of energy stored down there, as I always thought. Did not mention before that I had been feeling the mantle of Nuit upon me much more strongly than before, at least since after the big message. So far not much can distract me from it. Bought a large lapis lazuli "Nuit" ring yesterday from the Gaden Shartse monks area in the art gallery. Have spent most of today hanging around the gallery and the Creighton hall were they spoke. Wanted to see the mandala when it was finished. It has a feel of serenity around it and since it is tantric in nature and it Artisans are dedicated to the path of higher celestial energies, it may have that too and it is very foreign to me and very stressful. The state I'M in with letting anything in without filtering or deciding where it goes into is not good either and my sensings are probably distorted by what's going on down below. They are probably mixed up with those from the crowd of people in the gallery. My first impression of the mandala without all the people there was the one of serenity and higher than sahasara energies. And the energies of compassion! I had not felt it quite like this before. It is different in character but not in quality, as I have my own compassion but it is of my own character.

4/20/93 sun Aries moon Aries cardinal cross going away These pages are not enacted in any scientific way. I'm only doing this to confuse the archaeologists. The Gaden Shartse monks destroyed the mandala today. Gave away teaspoons of it in plastic bags. Beats throwing it in the river where the glop would overpower it. And not sure how much good it'll do in the hands of mundanes. Even after the mandala was raked together in a pile and the Chant to dismiss the Deities involved were over, the essence of the thing was still in the gallery. Apparently the process is to consecrate it during the process and then sort of banish it when they're done. "Everything is inherently nonexistent" one monk said. They took pinches of the sand which had made up the images of the Deities and kept it /them. As they were De-enerfying the mandala, I saw energy forms leaving it; a few were dragon serpent -- like; one was a sent our centaur-like deity with a bow and arrow but not sure of the horse part; one (?) the dark female deity who is the destroyer of death and wonder if it was Yamata but I don't know its gender; others which aren't recognizable to me and so can't describe as the energies didn't coalesce into forms. More on the Astrology of adjacent signs: they make OK friends but any closer seems to precipitate the fighting for the same cookie syndrome, as if they were always trying to vie for the same thing, be it physical or otherwise. Ive seen this in the majority of cases of people who know each other and are of adjacent sun signs. have a funny new mindset going on with Recent crisis, and that is, some measure of control where and I believe that if I can just glean all the value from the "movie" about the past that's showing I can't put it behind me and leave open space. Overall, I think it's a lot the shock of the finality of death that shocks the deep psyche. And I have no buffer intimacies to help me. No one's comforting me about it. It just tends to point that up all the more.

4/ 21/93 sun Taurus moon Aries one week left for cardinal cross whew Thoughts on alchemy: if we just stop trying to figure out the so -- called twilight language a lot of it is written in and read it like it is, a whole lot of confusion is gone. Either read it as written or figure out the whole of the twilight language and read it like that. The hermaphroditic viewpoint contains a disadvantage in that there is some part of that being that no longer needs a partner and if that part of the being is one which is very important to the individual it would prevent or delay them from having a real corporeal one, which is, of course, necessary. But there are some adjustments that can be made. Well, they haven't figured out the whole of the twilight language. Also it was written by men who, if they're talking about sex magic, are misogynistically biased. Also, if a man

trying to figure it out is affected by the misogyny (and most men are misogynistic) they have a double bias going on. Swell. If the red and white elixirs require a woman, then they will think of it in technical terms. I project that the successful ones are the ones who are not misogynist, since even the impurest thought during the operation would taint the work. If it is simply menstrual blood and/or secretions the woman would have to have a certain mindset for programming the stuff, and are therefore not being given the credit for what they could do.

4/23/93 sun Taurus moon Dream: I dreamed my hamster fucked me. He had gotten real big but he couldn't go in because it was too small. He didn't like the female hamster because she was too mean and would bite him. Frater A took his shot after the hamster. Had a vision of the world card with the statue of liberty on it. And the ten of swords can mean the complete death of an old consciousness. All this in the twilight state last night. Recent reading for psychic fair: after receiving stuff in mail: Six disks, lovers, four cups, world reversed, three cups, nine wands, seven cups reverse, four disk, seven wands reverse, two disks reversed. Hm. What can I do about four disks? What can I do about two disks reverse which is imbalance? Game playing: I give up. I don't want to play games. But it seems like I'm forced into it or lose out altogether in life. But it's not really me. If I play, I don't play fair. I cheat to win. Either I win or I die. Boy, I should be dead by now. I don't really want to play unfairly either. I mean, I like to play fun games but the only person I feel I have to be better than is me like I am now. I hate it when someone thinks I'm the deliberately manipulating and I'm not. Frater A does that a lot. I hate that. It makes me fightin' mad. Im antsy about going to the psychic fair. I don't really feel much like it due to recent events; it costs too much And I hope I'll at least get expenses back which will Be all right and I don't like having to approach it with the attitude that I can't have as much fun as I'd like. I don't feel like leaving "home" right now having left it so much lately. I'm just too damn sensitive about some things though if I wasn't my life would be much less rich. Gotta be some way of accentuating the positive and downplaying the negative. Rituals: did the Jupiter ring talisman again this time burning the original talisman in the cauldron before hand, hoping to capture the positive part of what was in the talisman into the new ring talisman. Feels like it works somewhat. Of course, we only got one turkey, one pay raise and one Jim out of it. Maybe by myself I can do better.

also did mass of the Phoenix for the first time, using blood of the moon monthly in the cakes of light, which also contained thick leavings of some of the apple wine from Fra I's efforts and using selfsame blood instead of slashing my chest as recommended by its egotistically macho and masochistic Creator. I figure I'm sacrificing a child anyway, which selfsame egotistically macho r author would not like the same as he didn't like abortion. Well, it's the first. I had in two months and I'm glad to see it and since I can't get the best magician in Omaha -- hell the World -- why not -- to come over and do some sex magic with me for some mutual benefits I gotta do something with it. Hell, he could only be improved by listening to the Divine Feminine in the form of Isis, the greatest magician of Egypt (sic) but the Divine Feminine won't have anything to do with him because of his misogyny as far as I can tell. 4/26/93 One am sun Taurus moon Gemini cardinal cross almost gone and glad for the rest Although it's hard to get over being the type that thrives on stress , it may have its consequences, and I'm sure there's got to be other ways of getting things done without always being on a gotta -- do stress high which tends to fuck up the mechanism of the physical and psychic being anyway. in a long time and I feel pretty good about it. I did LBRP, LBRH and ruby, quite intensely in fact and the banishing effects, despite my present somewhat down condition, were better even than a few weeks ago going haven't done them since getting back from Wichita. Memorizing helps. I used my wand , which is getting more charge all the time and I enjoy using it like I never did before; Tibetan bells; Jupiter incense By the aurum solis recipe which I made up last year; had strands of amethyst on altar and used little ring of amethyst and gold I had already used before. The heart of wood I got in 89 that I used before for vision of love. The stars in star ruby are getting clearer each time and are always red. The stars in LBRP are always red but the hexagrams are always blue, but have sometimes been red or white. Never yellow or green or purple. They're all pretty clear now. The pentagrams seem connected whether I go through the motions of connecting them or not. The hexagrams stand by themselves in each quarter and I always do a sign of silence after each one but am not sure it's necessary. I need to learn to fling the stars in star ruby better. Their forms could be better too. I used the basic form for Jupiter as an the little old beginners book I have always used but in an abbreviated form using the holy art thou thing, the calling of the old ones, calling the planet and spirit name, reading my Jupiter verse just as it first was and charging the amethyst ring as well as myself. Almost forgot to touch the ring. Amethyst and gold feel right together but the amethyst and silver ones give a different feel I didn't feel right about. Jupiter is above the horizon in Libra. Now, the rest of the story. Had a dream last night that my mother was in the hospital just like I last saw her but she opened her eyes and saw me. Can't tell if she recognized me or not but that's what I surmise the opening of the eyes means, to see and recognize. It was quite disturbing.

I had done the Jupiter thing again because I need healing and not much seemed to be coming from anywhere. As usual, I have to do it all myself.

5/5/93 sun Taurus moon Libra/Scorpio cardinal cross well over I have discovered something well important about Skyes chart. Jupiter in Libra is the ace of swords, Uranus and Neptune in Capricorn is the ace of disks, Venus in Aries is the ace of wands, Mars and cancer is the ace of cups. So Fra a does have a few aces up his sleeves! The prime factor in this arrangement is Jupiter, by far the largest planet in the array, and the most connected to the upper and lower energies and larger in influence than the others. Surely larger than Mars and Venus, and Neptune and Uranus are Outer planets and have a more scattered affect. Therefore the prime placement is Jupiter in Libra, the ace of swords, and that corroborates what the higher-ups told me about her; the child of the balance, the daughter of Maat and Tehuti. These Revelations occurred while I was pronouncing Fra a' name upon orgasm this morning, getting the usual very elaborate fleur de lis and hoping for more detail. This indicates several things to me, as it already has; one being that my concentration is very good and not as scattered as it once was; that there is a desire and motivation behind this that goes all the way down to muladhara; that all the chakras are working as a system; that aspiration its fulfillment is involved; that there is a unity going on which my Fra refuses to acknowledge. That this is not just something mundane. I have been wondering what prevented the group gestalt from forming. I suppose I have to look at common human problems for the answer. I would prefer to think that everyone is just a rugged individualist. In that case they are too individualist to form a group consciousness. I can be accused of that myself. I know better now though. Even Fra C's usually successful strong military gestalt tactics didn't work. Probably because the people involved aren't agreed and schooled in such a mindset. Works OK in the military; they joined by volunteering to be military. People here in mundanity are not. They can be drawn into a mundane kind of gestalt but not one in which they are Initiated. There's that word. But even the kind of gestalt that is supposed to be created by all involved taking the same initiations hasn't set in to the degree that one would think it would due to the inundancy of the initiation process. Possible problems: people resist initiation or anything that might knock them out of their set ways. They do not understand the symbolism; and/or they're too far into another gestalt to leave it and adopt another. My case is rare, I suppose, having gotten knocked out of my former life. Not that I didn't want a lot of help. Even now I still want a lot of help getting rid of the vestiges of former consciousness. You'd think I didn't cross the blasted Abyss. On the other hand, people sometimes get themselves involved in several groups, and thus their attendant group gestalts, for whatever reasons, looking for something, just naturally disordered about their lives. Fra I is a prime example of shooting arrows in every direction hoping to hit something, and when he Hits something he doesn't know because he's too busy paying attention somewhere else. Too many irons in the fire. Underlying desires and needs not being fulfilled and that is a distraction. I'm surprised mine have not distracted me more than it

has. Then there's the example of Fra J, who accedes to no one and nothing any kind of gestalt, can't figure out how to and wallows in his demons and the squirrel cage mindset to no end at all. My present conclusion as to why the group gestalt has not solidly formed for k.r. (oasis) is that individuals have their own problems to work on. Most cannot do both at the same time; just because I can doesn't mean I don't have my problems to fix. Could be that natal cardinal cross too. Action is required. I'd rather it was under my management. I choose what to do, not just random circumstance. Have failed to find correspondences to the fleur De lis; it appears in the vision of the equal -- armed cross I get when saying Fra A's name upon orgasm. The correspondences to the number two, which includes the cross, all seem to fit with the fleur De Lis is nowhere. (?) It is solar since it is recommended in MTP to put a solar symbol or fleur de lis on the main altar cloth. Also the decor of the cross and the vision seems somewhat French and leads me to think that the word Fra a may have French roots or derivatives. Perhaps more detail will come. Dependent? In ways. Should I lie to myself that I don't need anybody at all? No. Yet I have not fully stopped or understood the swing and the middle ground; it does not function smoothly. Pieces of the puzzle are missing, like a situation where it can be worked out with wisdom and understanding. I hate the area I'm in for Polk it makes me sick at my stomach. It's so mundane it sick. Do these people really think this is all of life? It reminds me of growing up in Wichita, where it was so boring, I was mistreated. The heat and humidity don't help but I was sick at my stomach and head yesterday and had to come home but woke up today with a fresh sword, OBVIOUSLY. last night's dreams were significant. The first one I had married a somewhat younger man who was mundane whom I didn't love and didn't respect. Years went by, he grew old but I didn't, and/or stayed the same. He was Gray, retired, and one day told me that he was very happy that I had stayed with him all this time, was loyal and faithful and all that shtick, and asked me somehow, if I felt about him like he thought. I told him that I didn't love him and never respected him. I can't remember what else was said but I surmise his reaction might not have been positive. He was very mundane and it just didn't trip might trigger. No transcendency. the next one, I lived with my brother and sister in law and Ashley (whom I barely know, as well as any of them) and they'd go to work and I'd be there all alone and feel out of place and abandoned, kinda like I did as a child. Then I was out at "Disneyland" but it was just an amusement park; I started getting on a child's ride, I had been attracted to the kiddie area for some reason; on this ride you had to pump a steering wheel thing on a pole well sitting on a stool on a platform of which there were many on this merry go round like arrangement. The kid said you had to keep pumping or you'd stop; in other words, the child was showing me how to work something.

5/6/93

A list of things I consider restrictions. It's restricting to have to walk around the yards and not on the lawns. Having to dress and do my hair and that shit to fit someone else's ideas about what's right. Someone else wanting me to think their way. 5/11/93 The initiation sequence Minerval: conception; the Seed of the new life; stimulating these chakras because the lower life feeds the higher life (mass of Phoenix. Muladhara contains the root power. I-Birth of the new life. Don't agree with the chakra sequence but I don't know everything either. If the psyche gets the message, the progress will happen as in the initiation itself, I guess. II-living the new life book of balance is the key. Also doing anahata at this time with the balance seems OK because anahata is attached equally to the higher and lower at once. It is the nexus point and must be balanced and remain balanced. III-Death. All the stuff that got stirred up must be put to death so that the new life can exist. Stimulating manipura here is dangerous, has seemed to drive many crazy. How many can go on after IIIrd. All this stuff stored in my manipura has had to be transmuted upward, feeding the higher life. I couldn't have done that without the upper ones being opened first. 5/11/93(continued) sun Taurus moon aqua I think slight fixed cross goin' on up there People are afraid of change, generally. Now that the cardinal cross is over, I can evaluate in retrospect. Events? Mom's death has to be first on the list. It was the last one; it was the one that changed my consciousness the most. It was the biggest challenge. Let's see -- the psychic fair; Writing the proposal for the grant; initiations and Mass in KC; Demicon, Micron, writing the Priestessing article for the Solstice; missing two periods due to the stress. I wouldn't wish the stress of this cardinal cross on anyone. To think I thought I wanted a kid born during this! Maybe I just felt that strongly because it transited all the points of my Cardinal cross. Can't tell. But the tension was palpable. It's been terrible. I handled it mostly by keeping as regular a schedule as possible; and by handling problems as they came up, not letting them go by and become large ones. Got rid of Fra J. So there was something positive. But the change of consciousness due to mom's death -- this is one I didn't expect. To learn how to die watching someone else, a real close one, too -- that is not something most people allow or can even conceive of in their minds. I believe my viewpoint and what I have done with it and allowed it to do is totally unique. Unfortunately, that only makes me feel more lonely. Empathic and sensitive as I am, when I sought to help her leave, to possibly strengthen her body of light, I came into contact with her death processes. Her life -- force shrank minute by minute, dwindled a way. And all this time me knowing that she willed it. It was too much for the human mind to conceive of. I wanted to retch repeatedly. Sometimes this healer stuff is almost too much for the human psyche. I wonder if someday I will run into something that is the end; or will I discover that the human being is capable

of more than I Thought. I wanted to help her, despite the cost to the human psyche of my own. It was taxing. Philosophically I'm fine; but I cannot tolerate the idea of someone being so mundane and so putrefied on the etheric plane of whatever. Yet it is so, and I must accept it. I always thought she was putrefying in many ways, physically as well as spiritually and etherically. Maybe it's necessary for Scorpios most of them I know certainly do that. They putrefy on some level if not all of them. I think she was doing it on all of them. The idea of the death of an old consciousness is what I think is the idea of the initiation sequence of the OTO. The process that the Tibetan Buddhist monks indicated during their visit here that they go through, what with destroyer demons Destroying the "negativity" as they called it , so you could pass through the diamond wall and get to the celestial palace, is similar. I don't know of anyone else has allowed themselves to go through the death of consciousness as I am doing. I knew I needed it, even willed it. I wasn't kidding when I said I was not afraid of change. Hell, it's been forced on me; and is even a part of the Tao. No question I needed it. Before I had always been presented with change on the outside which was supposed to change me on the inside; I resisted it. It was something else telling me what to do. Usually someone else. 5/11/93 continued I cross the abyss; that process was incomplete. I moved, changed my life again; that was incomplete. Many times, things I try on the outer don't get through to the inner; I am too good at resisting as a fixed habit. I had to learn to be selective about what I let in. Influences can get into the wrong chakras or areas of consciousness. It is well to get your universe organized first. But the death of that old consciousness is what's necessary for enlightenment and resurrection. Necessary! Many think they can have it without it. Not possible. Wynnarde confirms that it is all true. As always, verbalizing my questions to my HGA gets an answer before I finish speaking because the phrase is already in my mind before I speak it. Speaking is slower than conceiving of a phrase. I believe that the death of this consciousness will be the harbinger of many new ways of being for me. I wonder if anyone has ever allowed it to happen this far down. Probably in months, after it's sorted out, I'll think it's nothing. Then I will see if more is needed. But I want to say, what cowards they are that wont allow this to happen so that they can have what they say they want! I WANTED & WILLED to use the example of my mother's death to kill my own consciousness. There were so many things I wanted to get rid of. I had not the method until then. Death! Even when Mr. D and I had the spat, it was not hard for me to put him and the rotten interactions behind because I have had a glimpse of how much better things can be when the old is cast off. I do not know how to explain how to selectively allow in what one needs. That is the province of the holy Guardian angel. So that's why you need your HGA before crossing the abyss! Otherwise you just repeat the same old stuff as before. The initiations sequence opens up, conceives new life for the candidate, a higher life, not involved in matter only, a spiritual life.

My mother's death opened the floodgates not only of the emotions, (queen of cups) but of the psychic and spiritual as well. Could be that's just the way I'm built; could be that I didn't know one how magical she was until then. Could be she didn't know either. I add it to the real evidence of the family being magical, and to my evidence from real life and the akashic records of my being a sibyl, prophetess, priestess, healer, and that this is all real on this plane, not just in the imagination.

6/9/93 am. It's a good thing we had the estate sale last weekend during the full moon; there was lots of activity and I think it helped to do the best we could. I feel that the effects I used to get upon leaving Omaha and the pattern matrix, and going back to Wichita , were those of leaving energies that were very organized and ordered and going to ones that were chaotic. I use a lot of energy to attempt to keep that chaos from reaching me. I am much stronger now and maintain my own center with no trouble here better because I have to keep constant vigilance. Again the price. Not enough energy here to organize, on the whole. Better than it was but still not enough. I realize that, while I have the predisposition to use people as tools, Fra A is one person I do not have so great a desire to Use that way. Stupid oaths of youth! I swore that my mother would never be a grandmother by me, and so it is. But in ways I regret that now because I cursed myself as well. Still, I couldn't let that worst part of her that was in me repeat the same mistakes with a child. Also, it has taken so long to get past most of it. And I'm not sure whether lack of contact with her has helped not to promulgate it or not. There still was and is the better part of her, which I am not against keeping. As always, the good must go with the bad -- mustn't it? I question that. Still in all, I couldn't /I couldn't repeat all those same mistakes for it would have meant no progress made generation to generation. the query is characteristic of know -- it -- all -- and you're -- Dumb -- and -- unworthy -if -- you -- don't -- agree is typical Among all the undeveloped aquarians I know, either sex. Rusty, being mature, might have grown out of it. Don't know. I gotta get outta here! The Wichita attitude is settling in and I gotta fight it while I'm here. Ritual Monday night: did LBRP, LBRH, and star ruby. Worked quite well, it was my will to set the energy lines on fire with spiritual fire, but there's not much here to work with. How the joy is a pain /and the pain is a joy/such as my death/so Mote it be! Still doing third degree. This is a new style of journal entry and assessment of development:

Mercury -- at present, the mind is much calmer in order. Part of this is due, I feel, to the working out of manipura problems, i.e. the very thing the initiations sequence is geared to trigger. Venus -- idealism has pretty much given way to practicality, probably due to age and ordeals. Earth -- the body is breaking down, got a new lower back pain when the vertebrae popped one day in the car. Hips are painful since turning the walking job. Still working on the weight problem through the true -- enjoyment approach, and discipline and need. Moon -- emotional life? Where? I'm confused in this area, and it has been the focal point of most of the angst of this time of life. How do I feel? With the anahata, this I'm sure of. Mars -- zest for life is getting better, the spirit is willing but the /flesh is weaker. Sometimes I have lots of energy when I'm not smack dab in the middle of an ordeal. Jupiter -- "higher" subjects and practices are the joy and purpose of my life, as always. Saturn -- must make better friends with Kronos but it's still hard to be diplomatic. It's pleasing to me to have been so good at it lately though. Discipline must get better. Uranus -- this one fucks up the above one. I am plenty awake and going now, Uranus! Neptune -- well into the spirit Life and would like to make more time for it. Pluto -- who knows? (Unknown date, page in journal book) ?s pertinent to solving current problems: --is it true (stated somewhere in OTO initiation literature) that the saladin is the only one permitted to wear a blade during initiations? If so, where is this clearly stated? What is the reasoning behind this/ when was this decided on? Who? --is it true that the OTO does not, as a policy, discourage power-seeking? That is, is it clearly encouraged in some way as i.e. in the approved literature, by word of mouth? Who is involved in encouraging it? --is it true that one gets invited to the next triad by dint of who one knows, and other criteria? That is, getting invited has nothing to do with what ones will, aspiration, service to the order in ones own area? Who decides on this? --Is it true that the only legitimate mass officers are the e ones that have proper paper work? That is, being priest or priestess or deacon has nothing to do with ones will or aspiration to be so? If so, where is this stated & in what written guidelines for the egc might this be found?

--what sort of things (props mainly) are permitted in the temple proper during initiations, aside from those on the list in the initiation scripts) what are they? Are those guidelines for what they should be? What criteria may be followed for determining what they are, if there is no set list of objects that should be present? How may they be used? What are the saladins exact powers during initiations? Is he solely in charge of picking officers or May persons volunteer and expect to be officers in an initiation? Is it up to the Saladins personal discretion? What do we do when she/he misuses that power? Is it solely up to the saladhead what may be brought into the temple or is there the previously aforementioned list of guidelines which she/he must follow? --what are the saladheads responsibilities, rights, duties & privileges? Is there a set of guidelines/ rules for the s.d. to follow? How far may she/he bend these rules/guidelines?

7/14/93 5:30 pm sun cancer moon Me: rusty what can I do? I am so sensitive to energies coming in I cant deal with it. Rusty: (indicating censer) I want you to take the censer (it is smoking (?) & make crosses with it. Me: where? Rusty: everywhere. Me: what does this do? Rusty: the tools of magic are symbols otherwise the censer is just a thing with charcoal & incense burning. The smoke going up represents aspiration (I know), also for you it symbolizes the transmutations of lower energies that you need. Youre been doing very well transmuting so far. Me; theyve kicked me up again so fast I cant handle it?! I want Rusty: part of you was ready; another part was not. Me: what am I going to do? Rusty: just do the censer for now. The symbolic nature of the basic tools of magic work on the deep mind much better than most (or any) others. Me: have you been teaching basic magic for a long time? Rusty: yes everyone has to start with the basics. Me: does the repetition of going thru the motion of rituals (like the banishing) work well to affect the deep psyche? Rust: as above, yes Me: does going thru the motion of other things, like touching someone to show concern or caring, work as well on the deep psyche? Rusty: No, not very well at all. In fact, it sometimes has a deleterious slingshot effect. If a person is just going thru the motions as the old saying goes, not working on the genuine inner feeling or effect, sooner later the psyche will rebel at what the game the personality/person is playing & stop it very suddenly, usually youve seen this . Its everywhere. Me: I used the sword making crosses in the doorways. Rusty: now use the censer. The sword is mentality; the censer is aspiration, but more.

Me: thats too high up the tree for me to g o right now, I think (Im protesting.) Rusty: just do it. Its not too high. Remember the symbolism of the smoke. It transmutes the base material of the incense into the airy form of the higher less dense form of itself. (He continues to urge me to do it.) Was driving home from work actually, driving to work, I had the stray message to stop at pageturners & look at the occult section for something I need. Stopped on the way back from work there were Astral hands pointing to the place very adamantly-after having worried about getting my super (?) & mortal /exterior-interior messages mixed up. The book called personal Power thru awareness was there & it told me exactly what I need to learn & I knew it was the one when I looked at the chapter titles. Also the book) Brotherhood of Light #IX.

7/15/93 sun cancer moon? 6 pm Tired, stressed out but coping well. Followed Rustys orders? Strong commanding suggestions? For my own good. Censed the doorways as he said. Same purpose for all doorways as using the sword.

7/16/93 Sun cancer moon 930 pm Energetic & hopeful; weather humid & hot. Censed doors again, this time paying more attention to the cross outlines & the smoke ascending upward. Did it twice worked real well! For t he purpose of training the conscious mind to what it means, & reaching into the subconscious to pull the correspondences out from the collective consciousness & drawing on its power. Transmutation; transcendental magic. Had such a good peace feeling to it. Rusty wanted me to do the attic but I said I was hot & tired so he let it go for now. I sense the process working thru pathways & circuits in my entire being.

7/18/93 Card reading on the /my present situation w/the last stand of k.r. (khensu ra) (camp) 9s night terrors Crossed by 3w waiting for ships to come in

3c-partys over Pgs-stormy messages in past 9w-defens of energies, defending where I stand ready to fight Judgement r uh oh 4d-keeping resource to myself Emperor r he sure is 2c-I hope so Ks r you bet he is

7/19/93 Sun cancer moon cancer

The moon was transiting my natal moon position almost to the degree when I said the fatal thing o n Mon. Could have worked like a double dose of Aries moon on me, add in the recent stress of moving & etc. Shit from the other side & you have volcano time. But Fra. A doesnt have to take the stress al l on himself. Did 2 sets of crosses today; also sat & watched the smoke rise up, so as in aspiration. Visualization was better with more smoke. Asked rusty why he didnt push me to use incense with more thick smoke. He didnt think it was important. He also says that the wand is the next weapon hell have me deal with. Rusty has also told me that Fra. C and Fra. B are the two biggest misogynists the camp ever had. He also says that Fra. A is borderline but its not really deeply ingrained and/or he has worked o n it to stop it. Within himself he also says that he knows Fra. A better than Fra. A thinks he does. 7/19/93 sun cancer moon Leo Card reading: what's ahead for the camp? AD, 3D, QS, Fool R, Devil, 5C, Lovers r, 8D, 4Cr, AW This situation reminds me of a bunch of elem . kids :youre getting ahead of me! Or, well, Im faster & smarter, & bigger & richer & I dont care how it make you feel! Teacher, shes getting ahead of me! So what, shes fast & smarter & bigger & richer. So what. So whats the problem? Follow the leader. She shouldnt do that she should slow down & stay with us so we dont have to feel bad about not being faster & smarter. 7/23/93 2 am sun cancer moon Leo Weather: stormy & rain, humid mood: have been upset by recent events; health OK but am having cold & fever, is moon time & back trouble. Lbrp, lbrh, star ruby, mass of the phoenix. This is 3rd month for the Mass. I feel am still just practicing it too. I do not know how to take fire in hand unless its the candle, nor how to put it in the thurible. I know the IIIrd chapter says open brasswork in silver & gold.: but cant picture how that is. Does it refer to something else than an altar? Is the

thurible supposed to be silver & gold? The Mass gives feeling of individual mastery in ones own universe. I use menstrual blood & make the equal-armed cross over my anahata with it, saying behold this bleeding breast of mine marked w/sacramental sign. Also use 1 cake of light broken in half because it never burns up allophone & tends to smother the charcoal. Tonight the wind blew up my back & I could have sworn it was the air from the beating of wings of you-know-who. 7/24/93 sun cancer moon Virgo Weather: stormy, humid mood: peaceful, trying not to be agitated health: still have cold or whatever, tired, moon time, back trouble Lbrp,lbrh, star ruby & Mass of the Phoenix. Am connecting better with lbrp & H. than yesterday. Perhaps its that the energies are building up in the new temple. Star ruby going well. Am getting better at throwing the pentagrams into infinity. Am getting the feel of the efficacy of the banishing much more. Cant describe its difference from the other two, tho. Mass of the Phoenix coming together OK. Havent solved the putting the fire in the thurible thing tho. Gotta have thurible first. Just using censer I really got into the rhythm or a rhythm, with this whole set of rituals. Got to a good feel of exaltation but not n ear as much as I can under different circumstances, like less stress & better health. Got a rhythm with the poetry in the Mass, the part from AL & the gestures.

7/25/93 sun cancer moon Libra Weather: hot & humid mood: been real relaxed since the big expulsion; rested health: getting over aforementioned cold Began on liber reguli. What an effect! The circumambulations create a banishing & an energy-raising vehicle at the same time! Didnt realize that when I twirled doing the star ruby. This thing is really vivifying! Wish I understood all the nuances but dont yet. Just beginning this ritual in the attic has turned it into more of a temple than it was before & fast! Again it seems I have been shunted to a higher level without my permission or knowledge. Must be responsible for all that 3rd-eye activity that made me so dizzy. When I moved in here. Those shunting to higher levels have always drained me, it seems, but at the same time I dont know where I get the energy to get thru it. The sigil of the Grand Hierophant seems to be an initiation in itself, like the Mass of the Phoenix does. The sigil has a weird effect. I am surprised that I am staying straight with that medicine. The sigil being dependent from the circle implies that the energies are connected to the highest despite the fact that it connects all chakras, & does not sink into the lower ones. It IS dependent from the circle. Not earth energies at all.

7/26/93 sun Leo moon Scorpio weather: rainy & cool mood OK! Health: better Did reguli again, managing instantly the first gesture. The sigil of the GH fascinates me. I t makes me think that a woman can do this without rapprochement. Actually I am in the androgynous state when I do this stuff. Its real difficult for me to get out my animus (who has named himself Roman) & leave it out for any length of time. At least he has a name now. Did Reguli. Wow. Better than yesterday. Went so well I did lbrp, lbrh, star ruby & the Jupiter invocation after it. Doing reguli first sure made the others different! Hard to say how but they felt like they were pumped dup to higher levels. The whole temple feels different now. Claire wants to join the OTO! 7/27/93 sun cancer moon Scorpio Dream: I had gone to meet Claire somewhere, a hotel, her apt, I couldnt tell. We were going to have sex/make love. It was a very neat room. It was a very strange feeling. Foreign feeling. I am still reeling from it. I was folding my clothes neatly away. She was getting ready. Then she showed me this pair of mans jeans inside out with some dried crusty white stuff on one of the pockets where it hangs into the crotch. She said as I peeled off a large patch that I could use these if I wanted to get pregnant. I surmise that somewhere in the story I had said that lesbian sex didnt get me pregnant. Then a guy knocked on the door & came in, it was the guy who owned the pants, looked like Fra. J Morrison but wasnt supposed to be him. I have no attraction for Fra. J Morrison so I dont think hed be in a dream of mine as himself. I kept wondering what it was going to be like sucking on nipples that were female, & rubbing crotches together & not be penetrated. I woke up very horny, went to the bathroom, sent back to the bed, tried to masturbate but couldnt come because I was too tense or not awake enough. Seems like the sexual energy just went to my head, or filled my entire energy system. I started chanting I must make a mighty furnace over & over like a mantra. The sexual frustration was too much! To think that in order to have sex with someone I love itd have to be a woman has crossed my mind but not with this kind of force. Also I had been reading in Secrets of German Sex Magic about how heterosexuals should get some homosexual experience to prevent polarizing heterosexually, rigidly, just before going to bed. (read it just before going to bed) The psyche is a funny thing. I said the mighty furnace probably because I had dealt with making the furnace internally before. Who I had been reading about sealing leaks in sexual energy systems, & the microcosms orbit. Sure most of the sexual energy went to my head, it created a state of lucidity which I still have now. And maybe Ive learned how to do that with autoerotic (technique?) now. But I cried a long time before the state of lucidity came; it was like fire then water. Is the gross being purified by a fire, & the fire quenched by water? Thats internal alchemy & makes steam that rises to the highest point possible. If centered in a furnace *crucible,

cauldron) it is a source of drive & energy. This state lasted all day & things kept sorting themselves out. 7/27/93 sun Leo moon Sagittarius Less focused on the mystical experience than yesterday gut still fairly lucid. Masturbated when I came home& the energies behaved very much like the day before, arousing a lucid state of mind; it was temporary, I think because I used the tongue method for closing the circuit on the roof of the mouth. I dont like the kundalini to stay in the head all the time. But I think the tongue method is a control management for the serpent power; if I want it to stay in the head, I dont do the tongue, & if & when Im done bollixing up the psyche with the snake I put up the tongue & circulate the serpent in the small orbit. Huh. Picked up Magick w/o Tears & opened it to Monster, Niggers & Jews to find a fairly complete corroboration of this fiasco w/the oasis to help prove that their actions are non-fraternal & non-Thelemic & not obeying the Law. Libertarian if I ever saw one! Did reguli again; getting it but not yet. First gesture memorized. Rest going smoothly. Did other banishing lbrp & H & ruby. Wish I could do sapphire. Reguli seems energizing somehow. I wonder if doing it has had something to do with recent tranquility, confidence & energy? Rusty has halted his magic lessons & seems to be doing something else. He wanted to start on the wand. Perhaps this is just a figment of my imagination . But what has said so far has proven to be true & workable. 7/29/93 sun cancer moon Sagittarius Card reading: on staying here this weekend& not going to Lamas 2D, 3D, 7S, 10Cr, justice!, 6Wr, 5Cr, 2Wr, Starr, 8W Hm. All the readings I did on going to Lamas were vague & ambiguous. This where I stand on them saying that I drove all the other priestesses away. 1) It gives me too much power; Im not that powerful, thats ridiculous. 2) it assumes that the individuals spoken of do not have minds of their own & can make their own decisions, which if it was me Id consider it an insult 3) it tells me that the ones making these statements & believing it are participating in a codependent network of mass consciousness not unlike that of the alcoholic & his codependents allies in mental illness, if you will. Also it implies herd mentality. NONE of this is individualist, it all smacks of insisting that the poor victims agree with them that thats exactly what was going on in every respect. Case in point: the better looking priestess emphasis. They got what they wanted, a skinny priestess. What happened? A) she wouldnt do a regular mass, she always did savage masses, i.e. she wouldnt take her clothes off. b) We found out she was doing it to get back at Fra. C. c) So the guys think they got what they wanted, but didnt really. 1) it didnt cause then to get further into what the Mass is about; the carrot instead of the stick didnt work. 2) Didnt even get a peep-show 3) she left because there was no way to get back at Fra. C this way; he didnt care about her doing Mass with someone else.

4) The Mass is not about revenge, peep shows, political games or attention getting; it is for what it is for & thats it. 8/1/93 sun Leo moon Aquarius full NO rituals today or for a couple of days. But then everything is a ritual. Ritual is a discipline & everything is a discipline.until it becomes a bad habit. Part of me resists going thru anything. But I have shown the will to discipline that beast. And it really is Babalon that has the power. Now I know why the Beast has the 7 heads. They rose up from the former beast due to her ministrations. Making a might furnace entails more than sexual energy. The energy of impatience if that is energy must be involved. The furnace is an alchemical allegory for the cup of Babalon. The cauldron. Those parts I want to keep to myself are blemishes o perfection; and I must give them to Choronzon for reprocessing. Fra. I just told me Im to get copies of the reports. (I guess its the word that stings so much) that were sent to Hydrox (Heidrick). It hurts so much even to hear anything about it still. Because I have chosen to be open & therefore cam open to pain as well as love & pleasure but understanding, & wisdom, help lessen the pain, since pain is a perceived label related to certain events as is the opposite. The whole things has wings as dark as a starless moonless night; one cannot see in the dark. Its so dark in Khensu-Ra! One way I am glad not to be a part of it; the profaning of the Law I hold sacred, I could not stand it anymore. The acts against me hurt because I have truly cared. And it points up how much I have truly cared & cannot stop caring but I see no way to heal the situation. Perhaps there is help & hope in other spells. Wait! Thats why I felt so empty in relation to them! They do not feel or honor the Law & I have made it no, & was always there, an intrinsic part of me like unto the atoms & molecules of being-my life, my being, my reason for continuing to live. It is just as I thought at the moment Fra. E & Fra. A found methe Law rushed in to fill the void, rushed in to stay, & never leave. I felt it so certainly & so strongly. Clare was right, it is a test of faith, but not mere faithit truly is certainty. Theyre not living the law! They are just shadow, a very gray dark sorcerer of the light ineffable that the Law is supposed to bring. My furnace is made of the Law, not just flesh & water & molecules, not even just sprit. And I am about to begin really heavily pouring everything into this furnace like cup of Babalon. Her communiqu tells me that I am truly her daughter. And I am about to become not just Meri & Clytemnestra, but Majestique. Back in 92 when I channeled Hadit he said we were all fools for not living as he prescribed, he meant me too, & I knew it. Now I think of life as those wines that foam and feast on all of life! It is the complete ritual. But it still puzzles me that Fra. A & Fra. E were the ones that found me & why them? Was it all I could understand? Were they the right ones, is it because I was at the developmental level in the right ways at the right time? I suspect this to be true; we were all having troubles of a similar nature. And funny, I was thinking about Fra. E just today, how he is so romantic as well as being screwed up by his family. But thats all it is! It is not not ever, truly, the true person that is affected by earthly troubles. Why cant they see past/ it as I have? Its along row to hoe but its possible. If this is truly the separation of lights & dark, then we shall see which is which. They are in my opinion, just mouth-professors of a stinking variegation of the Law, a Law that they

swore to uphold with penalties intact. Hm. Fra. I says Fra. A mailed the letters Sat. & will (?) Mon (my copies on Monday, said Fra. A said he didnt have the money to mail mine at the same time. Whyd he wait so long? If it was so overwhelmingly important that he had to call Heidrick, why did he wait so long to mail the letters/ Surely there is enough money in the treasury to mail 2 pkgs 4th class. Perhaps they are too heavy to afford not in money but in relative importance of time & effort? Maybe the weigh of the deed is too much?

8/2/93 sun Leo moon Aquarius full No ritual today either. Taking a break, I guess. The effect on me of last weeks lesbian dream continues in that it made me look at things in a different way, like, how could I even dream that Id do that? Unless it is a real potential. But the point is that I wanted to have sex with someone I love & who loves me & this at the time was the only way I could, as far as I know. Next: these idiots getting up all these letters to convict me it throws them into the pot of Because! Ooo, thats a real bad one! Saying, we want her gone because whatever. Got reasons for it, do we? Glad I not in this pit. AL II: 27- . Their will obviously stopped & cried why? Or the letters would not have appeared. Also it is my sensing that RHK is really pissed about all this, that they are not here to be affected by what he set up in this house & temple. And that they are going to suffer the direful judgment of RHK because the ritual has not been even unto Her. The last is obvious from what has already been said & done & will probably e more obvious in the letters. Otherwise they would have had the understanding of the 1st law every man & every woman is a star and been tolerant of someone different in lifestyle & ways than they are. They also are not tolerant of Fra. I, who is seen as different inferior in his case possibly. The month of Cancer was a bitch! That is, it was so emotional an effect that my irritation was increased, to a point I didnt have a handle on it as usual. But the wonderful higher level effects, that of a expansive ever-nurturing being who is the Gate to Life, made up for it. It just seemed so all-encompassing, watery & containing. Wish Id done a better job being & expressing that. But how? 8/3/03 sun Leo moon Aquarius Reading on how this event will affect the relation between the Fool & I KC, Lovers, 3S, 4Sr, Tower, emperor, PgS, PgW, KghtS, 7S What will the higher-ups see when they look at these reports? QD, KC, Fool, Strength r, 9S, KD 6C, 5W, wheel fortune, 10Wr 8/4/93 sun Leo moon Pisces Talked to Heidrick today on the phone, basically he says its in the pile to handle when it comes up & that its nothing to get real hurried on. Said that the more verbose a report like this is, the less substance it usually contains. Heidrick is a delight to talk with.

To me, the success & growth of a group, any group, is not based on the # of members, not quantify & no quality. Not on how many rituals get done. It is measured by the quality of the individual, her personal growth as aided by the presence in her life of the group, & by whether or not the gr(oup?) grows in quality because of the growth of the individual, involved. If we start out with a group of folks who are financially poor, (ends there) 8/4/93 Gotta write about the conflict I feel between this Leo sun & transiting Pisces moon. The Leo sun is so bright & un(hassled?) & positive, being a positive masculine sign. I suppose The Pisces moon is just such a bitchy, irritable, easily set off into its negativity, by virtue of being sensitive I many ways; Im glad Leo sun was there to turn to try to get away from it. Geez, theyre just so incompatible its ridiculous. I dont see how Leo & Pisces sun signs can ever get along. Leo & Pisces sun signs are worse about it, its covering more of the personality than just a planetary placement. My sensing of the sun transiting signs & their characteristics & how they feel to me has been very useful in understanding how each one is; feels, thinks, viewpoint from the sun sign perspective, etc. But Im writing about the Leo/Pisces sun/moon because it was just so totally glaringly incompatible & irreconcilable yes, thats it- that it bothered me particularly following the magical philosophy of unity. No unity ever perfect in manifestation tho. 8/9/93 Rusty is back with his lessons in the wand. He said it is the wand of will, I said I know that. He said that it should be (?), & become, a part of my body itself, my arm in my case since it is the length of my forearm. I said I was thinking that already. He said it is like the hollow tube which steals fire from heaven; I had heard that metaphor already; also possible a simile for the penis. Hollow tube-> penis ->genitals->sperm, e essential energies of the god within. He emphasized the holding of he wand in the right hand along the arm like I already do, male end out. That I should cause my will to shoot forth from it. I said I was having a hard time grasping the shooting forth being female; he just said practice. He drew the circled cross with his, very well. Must be easier on the astral. A reading about the effect of my efforts in response to the reports on me: QS r (who is this I wonder if anyone), Moon, 7Wr, Sun, AWr, Death, Q@C, Lovers, 7Wr, 3Cr Partys over, people! Time to pay attention to reality. 8/11/93 sun Leo moon Gemini Purposes of letter attendant to my report (..) Clare =- character reference, besides, she .do this, I didnt ask Ms. R repudiating what Sor E saidreportpoints out thatis wrong. Since Fra. A says that everyone in the reportfor questioning, & Ms. R was neverthis is false. Mr. D character reference; also observerOasis functioning as outsidesactivity & in Fra. Aoutside observer did not seeleadership. Also that personwere not practicingexpected order decorum

Fra. E (if I get hold of him) to refSor E said; & oaths by him (which doesnt know about.) Fra. H & Sor. B (if they will) tothey left oasis time; in orderFra. As statement aboutfor reasons other thanactions as oasis-fool-master.account of last businessat their place when Fra. H toldin front of everyone why they were, & Fra. A just ignored it. repudiate what was said about himthe report; also to express other reasons he left, same dissatisfaction. 8/12/93 sun Leo moon Gemini Nuit appeared before me, after muchtouch concentration upon the stars & She said, I am here, daughter. ..have been out of contact with Thee; Ihad lost thee! She replies, Do not& I in Thee; I am withinthee; there is nowhere that and She looked at Her image that been was in My mind, &, with a lilt like the twinklingEarth, & said, I see that this image. Tears rolled down of awe, & of sadness corporeal, & I said, it is a limitation of the mind. how profane that I should limitedlythee at all since thou art infiniteand she said, unfold thineas One (my hands were in a..fold) & individual ( hands implied duality.) She said, why art Thou sad? Thou art not from Me. I still yearn to you, Iyou. I said, I love you &that which is not an image of youShe laughed more heartily. I know else to say & sense is lost to consciousness.Be at peace, you Chosen, ye are one unto MeThee; ye are a star, a very starnot separate.: Be at peace; I am always been & always shall bedisappeared into the cosmos. Event sequence: I watchTrek TMNG, the one about thewho takes the ship ..away. Afterwards, in theI was thinking about how Idgo to the stars butat this time. How frustratingthe ST episode (?) the & time & thought being one, too feel very much more stronglythat that is the (?) of magicis mentioned in the mind is even mere (?) than ever! Chaos,Ive always sensed it. still that frustration, no realstar travel. I have studied theall m life. Gazing at the (?) Samadhi, even satori aand I feel very saddened--thats I could not go there thats where I came from! comforts me, telling mesad at being corporal.big revelation nature abhors athere is none! Everythingenergy/matter/who knows.if what we call spirituala form of naturalTo make what withenergy (?) (page all smeared after this) seems to continue theme tho. 8/15/93 sun Leo moon cancer Dream: I was moving into a house, & there was going to be this communal living situation (which I would not really do) & people were looking at my records & putting stuff away. & I was wincing at every object of mine they touched. Instead of bitching, I made the announcement that I was not accustomed to living with others, that I was very nervous about this & please be careful with my things. I said more about it than that but I dont remember what it all was. Next thing I know everything was safely put away & everyone was going about their own business. Or was it a house? It might have been an allegory of a community group situation, & the material things symbolic. Of my possessions like my time & energy, my experience I have to give & share, etc. Perhaps the dream of using a different technique to ease the uncertainty of just such a situation is a sign that I have accepted a need for a different technique in my life.

8/17/93 sun Leo moon Leo Reading: how will this bad report incident affect the destruction of the old in K.R. & Mr know it alls life? The two stacks both had a strong enough energy to warrant looking at them; I wrote down both; Celtic cross as usual The strongest first: AW, 7D, $D, KghtW, 10Sr, PgCr, 4Cr, 10W, devilr, KWr QS r, AD, 2Sr, Foolr, Magus, 10Sr, 8C, Hermit, KghtC, QD I feel that, while the readings stayed on the subject, that they are addressing more the effect on me than the situation as a while. Happens when you cant concentrate. they that Fra. A would learn tome. I said that soundsimpossible thing that couldasked should I write himsaid yes, of course, with. (Rustys). He also said we can continue with the when Im ready. Also, he said thatas too set into the military early, in the war, (end of WWII,)pervaded thinking then (there histhink holographically (interconnectedness.) 8/18/93 sun Leo moon Virgo List of magical workings to dare: (formal) Full moon series Jan 1990-dec. 1991; charge ring, diary, grail, individually designed each one. -self dedication ritual Oct. 1989 -invocation Maat Nov. 1989 -pagan full moon w/Ks group Oct & Nov. 1989 ...explains why his life is never going to be any different. He interprets everything in clinical manner, which is completely disconnected from the real variabilities of real life. Deriving from data given by imperfect people with flaws , not bothering to check it, projecting and the subject without checking it out-voila, an aberration of the scientific method; mo method at all. Partial purpose of my report: -to repudiate any untrue statements to point up bigger problem here to defend myself. 8/20/93 sun Leo moon Libra 5 pm I am making this entry rightof what Fra. I told meHe said that Fra. A & Sor. E paid& said to get back the -getting someone else to do dirty work for -surprise visits are a part of theirsuch as, when Ion 7/12spilled the beans about themthe stuff out of the attic,wasnt supposed to have told -putting pressure on Fra. I is dangeroushealth because of his epilepsy. -they may bea reason to kick himdoesnt get this stufffeel shell be in trouble -his tone of voice tells mepicked up something othera friendly we need thisits our property.: He asked for it when theythey could callto be on sabbatical. a spread of the realmature & character of this Towerr, KnightDr, 5D (no kidding), PgD 8/22/93 sun Leo moon Scorpio (am making scrying mirror)

Took hit blotter acid Id had around for about 2 years. Really didnt think it would be any good but there was only one way to find out. Then did usual temple work lbrp, lbrh, star ruby, practice reguli. Missed doing Jupiter by an hour or so since it sets not long after the sun. My sensing of the pentagrams after doing them was more acute. I do not know whether this is because the LSd opens pathways not usually open, since it is reported to do so, or because I had been away from it for a while, or because my attention & concentration is better. I do think that the drugs effect was a minor distraction, not being used to it; it was like could see the pentagrams in 3D instead of just 2D, sides instead of just front. Got an image of a giant male face in east I LBRP. Like a big terrible father figure; it is very old, muscular, white hair & as a (shouting?) countenance. I think that I can work with the lsd more I get used to the effect. Its making my head hurt around the temples, eyes & sahasara (chakra) area. At last I believe thats the cause, based on my former experience. I feel that the rituals all connected, the energy levels connected, the pentagrams & the hexagrams all connected right in with each other. I felt no discord between them, as I usually do, because it is a star & a hexagram. Perhaps the drug helps my sense of connection with the universe in even tho I have gotten my micro & macro cosmos straight a bit more lately, I dont think the drug hurt that. The rituals just seemed more alive! Star Ruby hasnt improved, tho. Wish it had. Reguli is another story altogether. The lsd makes all my sense more sensitive sharper & more lucid including the extrasensory ones! (wish I could find a good name for them 6th, psychic, all present names for them are all old.) My grasp of the continuity of the ritual was much better, instead of it being in parts, or 1st, 2nd, & 3rd gestures. This could, again, have a lot also to do with my most recent mystical experiences which put me in greater touch with the Unity & at a level I never was at before! I had a better feel of the quarters in lbrp than before. It was the circumambulations that the most enhanced. I have an affinity for dynamic yoga & I think that figures in somehow. Also I am able to escalate warm-up to energy use & output faster than I did last time I did reguli. Overcame the dizziness upon becoming aware of it & transmuted it into a higher creative energy-sense. I also finally understood several things didnt before. You face Boleskines & start there; dont go around necessarily once every time; you do go widdershins to begin with; pacing like a tiger is fun! Only tigers dont stop & project at Boleskines, had a better feel of the magical child. Widdershins is a banishing, deosil is invoking somehow. Striking the earth! Has brought this force into manifestation. Then Mater Triumphans. Having now the 93 child, one goes about inserting it into ones universe. Yeah, thats it. Proclaiming its birth to the universe. And, in true invoking style, invokes the child/93 force, & me as the current 93 in the meaning of AL & LA, as explained in MTP. It is the duty of the Adept to interpret that in her own way; & when I bear the child, I shall say, this is my interpretation of THAT. Rusty says he wants me to do the circle crosses in the doorways with the wand. Since its not really Rusty, perhaps it is a hologram of Rusty a (piece) that contains all the elements of the whole rusty.

8/24/93 A reading on how this whole bad report deal will affect the house of cards. KS, hanged man r, 7Sr, KghtWr, KghtCr, 9D, 5Dr, 5S, 6s, 9Wr

8/26/93 sun Leo moon The difference between being a slave & being an adept (& there is a fine line) is your willingness, or lack of it, to do the work & embrace the discipline. For a child to be aware & awake is the most self-cognitive since is unusual 8/29/93 In the Gnostic gospels, it describes that there are sects were allowing women to hold office in the church & that one handed her the grail and allowed her to do the Eucharist. (bunch of kabalistic writing practice for iv test) The first power is having the knowledge to play with the labels. How fucking hypocritical! Fra. A always spouts philosophy of the 60s which obviously geared toward the emancipation of the minority, the unusual; now he proposes to kick the minority out of a pledged fraternal situation? Talk about tolerance! I submit that the issues here is not as stated in his or her report mostly because of the verbose bullshit in them, but an intolerance of that which is different than their own viewpoints; that they reject anyone who is radically different in any way (particularly in theyre actually doing Great Work or actually studying) & particularly if they show exceptional qualities & seem as if shes evolving faster, or shows leadership qualities. Things for moon invocation: Treasure house of images Correspondences The orthodox Xtians way is linear & divisive; the Gnostic way is holographic, & unifying & inclusive. Their interpretation require a middleman Jesus himself (or the church) politics; Gnostic way requires nothing of the sort. I am unaffected by the retreat of the organization. 9/1/93 Full moon

Born of the wand of the universe, Sired by desire of the One; Thou art Mistress of Illusion, Beautiful reflection of the Sun By several names do I worship thee, Artemis, Diana & Hecate; Malkah be tarshashim va Alah be ruah shahalim The spirit of yesod, I invoke thee! Such is my will, so mote it be! I see by thy camel on which thee rides To appear to us at eventide, Canst thou see by thy light the 1st spoke of my wheel? Tis thy symbol, & on my life thy seal! I am thy true priestess, silvery one, Born to thy service, thy daughter come! Grant me the knowledge of thine In every way & every sign Such is my will, smote it be! The power of the unity, I ask and the talent clairvoyance to help the task. Divination by dream, vision & cards I need To be the proper channel, these things I plead By my previous devotion thou knowest my purity & my willing oaths dedicated to thee. I ask for all facets of feminine divine Forget not any aspect of thine. Such is my will, so mote it be. I also ask, & plead of thee Forget not earthly existence of me I ask for healing of the blood of the moon & that hormonal system so necessary So that thy love may manifestat again In the joy of the lust in the lack of sin In the ritual of Babalon a priestess again! I am thy priestess, my lady be Such is my will, so mote it be Born of the wound of the scorpion Sired by the prick of the bull I am the mistress of Illusion Moonchild, waxing to full

9/2/93 sun Virgo moon Pisces still full Weather: seasonal, health: OK, with aches & pains; mood: who can tell, Ive got a . & the moons in Pisces? But mouse right now, but earlier.& the balance sometimes. Did moon ritual like Jupiter ritual only moon. Lousy poetry. But I believe it got the job done. Lbrp, lbrh, star ruby, forget to use gbr of either & girp for moon. Next time. My intentions was for this to not be elemental like the 1st moon series also not correlated with moon in sign; but of partaking of higher, or more complex energies that are lunar, also to reaffirm previous oaths of devotion to the Lady, again on much complex levels; & to use kabalistic correspondences which are a necessity to add to Magister Templi training. All this by instruction of Secret Masters/Discarnates who again, need to be more mindful of the depth of the Veils I/We have (here?) incarnate?! Also to deepen priestess ties with divine feminine (I think this worked great) & to test, on this point, whether I had, or had developed, any reluctance related to oaths or devotions. Being also in solar Virgo, service orientation, I suppose its appropriate to be redefining my devotion to service. Needs to be somewhat more self-serving tho. Used the talisman ritual from my original little book Book of Ritual Magic. , Cliffordsomebody wrote it. New larger moonstone ring was talisman. I see no use for the paper Jupiter talisman I made before, so I skipped it on this ritual & just made a new ring. I am sensing that I had needed a larger stone because my magic was getting stronger, I to put more into it, therefore getting more out of it, & the small one would not handle it. The little one seems very simple & beginner-oriented to me now. My knowledge has increased & also power. Used camphor oil for incense. 3x3 on the bell. 9 tealite candles on white altar cloth on round table, with new black scrying mirror in middle. Tarot cards of Psts, 2 cups.

9/14/03 Things to ask about my ordination: -how does the ceremony used for me differ from the one used for regular p/psts? -we were all given the same secret instruction in our ears. -the ceremony: which was o more than a couple of minutes long, was the same for all of us simply asked if it was our will ( Terri were done together); then he used the oil on our foreheads. The same thing was done to all three of us. -isnt it academic since I have done so many masses since then?

9/22/03 Chandra has called me. I was at the second-hand store looking a t clothes & there was an Indian-made robe black with gold & pattern stitching. I was looking at it when the name Chandra came to me, & I remembered that she is the Hindu moon deity. Or is it a he? Lunar, whichever. So the moon invocation still goes on. I dont think Ive ever done a ritual invocation that strong before on just one shot, nor one that sticks so well. By sticks meaning, that the invoked energies have not leached out of my frequency domain, left my magical consciousness. In fact, I feed the invoke magics every chance I get, such is the moonrise on the night at Gaea. Over the weekend, I met a Pisces man in Lincoln at the con. Do I attract hem like flies to sugar? Hes got a Virgo moon (ugh) & 5 things in Pisces. But he felt so good. I started my period the Monday after the con. Maybe I felt so good around him that my body just decided that guys arent so bad after all & I can just be myself, Scarlet Woman & all. But Fra. As nipples are more sensitive. So are Fra. Ns. Hell, Im gonna start to get those guys mixed up! Claire assigned me Thunderheart. Hoo boy. Well, I havent done many of her assignments since I appointed her my mentor. I gotta start somewhere. Actually, the Jupiter ritual always worked, its just that I wasnt putting enough into it. Now is a different story. I will do it while its conjunct the Sun. Mostly middle 2 weeks of Oct. I must pick a magical task for winter. Enochian seems like a logical choice. And I suppose I must invoke Chandra. 9/25/93 Sol Libra moon Pisces/Aries I think There were initiations going on at Joe's tonight, so I felt left out and decided I'd do my usual battery -- with one exception, that being a performance of the mass of the Phoenix, with sacramental . Used disposable scalpel. They were OK on the paper and lacquer film, and OK on the skin as well. But all through, I couldn't concentrate very well because of my emotional set. I suppose my gut is a testimony to that. But I suppose it just takes practice to get the concentration back into it. I almost forgot the star ruby. I was seeing solar cross equal -- armed forms again during the part in mass of the Phoenix recited from AL:III, always a circled cross. Also still really get the feeling of the magical child during reguli when the sign of Mater Triumphans is given. And still experimenting with that vagine Instead of phalle here too. Is it important or am I being divisive again? Is it important to relate it to my physical gender, or does it say again that gender goes deeper than physical? I do not believe that in my mind; but gender being engendered (ha) by the veil of civilization may try to go deeper than the surface. Yet I have yet to find a gender on anyone's star. I believe that I have an internal protest to using gender in anything since the hermaphroditic experience. Yet I am manifested female for reason and I don't want to ignore it. I'm sure o phalle is there for some reason. I don't want to upset the magics of the ritual. But I am simply trying to relate it to an important part of what I am.

10/17/93 reading on effect of Heidricks letter to Fra. A. PgS, Devil, QWR, KghtD, 4D, Hermitr, HIero, 7Cr, 4C, KWr Potential of the new group: QW, 10Wr, 7S, Temperancer, worldr, 6S, 2Cr, Foolr, KW, KD What to do next about situation with Fra. A (personal) HP x by Justice-follow conscience, remain convicted 10/27/93 Last night, Mr. D & I had talked about magic & various subjects were involved therewith. Like doing rituals for wealth, revenge, the Temple of Set, etc. On Sunday after the Pisces storm, he said hed do a compassion ritual for me to help get the job at OTC. Last night, but it was 2 a.m., I did bibliomancy on the situation w/, i.e. what shall I do about him in relation to myself, just generally asking. The page I got goes, Sidpa Budo experiences; know at that time that it is the Sidpa Bardo (in which thou art.) Involving, by name the Compassionate One, pray earnestly this: O Compassionate Lord, and my Guru, and the Precious trinity, suffer it not that I (name) fall into the unhappy worlds. Act so as to forget this not. Which is much like the compassion ritual in The Satanic bible. So, we have connected two different paths, two different rituals for the same purpose, & the wording is not very different either, but both peculiar to the style of each path. 10/27/93 How will the relationship with Mr. D turn out? Lover, Justice, 10C, 8C, 3C, 6C, Magus, Emperor, HP, 7C How will relationship with Fra. A turn out? Lovers, Chariot, 3C, AC, 4C, 2C, emperor, 9C, 10C, justice And with Newt? Hermit, Lovers, 7C, AC, 4C, 8C, wheel, 2C 3C

10 /30/93 sun Libra/Scorpio moon Taurus full Weather: seasonably cold Mood: tired and aggravated somewhat by getting lost on the way to camp Gaea Health: good

This one is about the Samhain ritual by the Web at camp Gaea. They chose the Inanna/Damuzzi story, wherein Inanna goes into the underworld and is killed by her sister Arishkegal (or however that's pronounced. ), is subsequently given birth again by her in the underworld and sent back up. It's another version dark giving birth to light, as so many cultural ritual schemes this time of year are. There was Check- in, heritage, break, gathering again and the dramatic part of the story. They did a symbolic great rite before Inanna went to the underworld, which I felt and still feel now that interrupted the symbolic imagery flow of the Descent to the darkness. It also interrupted the energy flow toward that end and still sticks out in my mind as such. Can't prove it though, except that the great rite is a fertility ritual and this is not a fertility season. I could also, however, be wrongly assuming that my mind would change about that if later I felt that the energy flow and imagery had not been interfered with by the great rite to possible desire for being fond of my own opinion too much. The HP and HPS did manage to exert their own political influence, and admittedly so, to do just whatever they wanted. No one said anything except miss cow (Dorcas) and after miss cow had said her piece , the HPS answer to her inquiry was sufficient enough, as they answered that there is a reference to birth and rightly so in the story of Inanna. I still feel that they were just trying to insert sex into our ritual because they can't see the majority of life in any other Context and they just wanted to do whatever they please. However, and I still feel that way even so, it always has been and will always be that the needs of the community usurp the need Of the individuals in the case of the period of time that an important celebration is going on ; if it were necessary that the priestess and priest screw to seal the energies it could be done afterward in private, and that will work, as I have seen it work many times after a Gnostic mass, case in point, Fra b and mine's magical child made up of our conjunction of energies we both personally and professionally brought into the mass efforts . I felt that , when the ritual started, that there was no other intent in the room in any of the attendees, that they were all there to do a ritual that they at least were in the beginning stages of desire to understand , and to follow Wiccan ways. I believe this was accomplished by the priestess explaining the ritual before hand, doing heritage and communal check in. Also, most of us already know what the Web is about, And ritual time is ritual time; and then there were only 24 people there and the usual high percentage of pagan weenies were not there due probably to the cold and party night- being also the same night- for secular activity. But the ritual went well, for the most part. The cold probably interfered more than anything, as no one wanted to sit still very long but did. Two cones of power were scheduled to be raised; we were lucky to raise the first one, as there was not much power raised by the spiral dance, also probably due to the cold. We had to do extra dancing and prancing and singing and other activity to begin the raise, and when it did come along, it did not reach the peak we would have liked, but it was felt to be very much of one intent (the one stated in the ritual explanation, to be raised for the intent of prosperity and whatever one put on one's apple) and did a fairly good buildup and release. Web core members have been doing magic together for eight years and we all know what to do. There were not many, if any, others unfamiliar with cone raising that we had to carry, which I feel was a large factor in the cone being consistent and having as much of the intent that it did.

Again that cold prevented A Peaking of it, but it did OK, I've felt better cones, though. After the cone, the HP said he felt a closure coming, probably sensing that no one wanted to go on due to the cold. Also, the HP that was supposed to do Tammuz didn't show up, so that cut out part of the story drama part. But the energies were focused on their intent, and that was important. Food was y heartily consumed, and the Garrison Keeler story of Dionysus turning 50 was read by all interested. I felt a great deal of power just before cone raising and needed to put it somewhere. This may have something to do, personally, with the fact that when I went up to my temple Friday, it felt like a dozen magicians had been working up there constantly for a month. The thing has such a Heady feeling I can't explain, unless the last Jupiter ritual I did there, which was the last thing I did in it, I really pumped up. Also at that time Jupiter was conjunct the sun, so that could explain some. This is Monday after, and my temple still feels that way. 11/4/93 sun Scorpio (wow) moon not sure Muse muse muse... What an interesting twist of fate that there's a (last name of Fra a) in my family background. This means that Fra A is trying to undermine integrity and cast out actual family. Wonder he forgot I told him -- well, of course he did, he's got the memory of a mule. Selective as hell too, more so than normal. I have the notion (or is it a firm belief) that the Great Work is not always done alone. I think it perhaps can be determined at least in part by the Saturn placement. Mine being in Libra, it seems I'm not supposed to do anything alone; even my HGA seems like he could be shared with someone else. Or it could be just that at this time Jupiter is still in Libra, and that my Jupiter ring is charged with Jupiter and sun and Libra. I hope I wrote that ritual up. Now I'm having fantasies about Newt. He had such a good time here, would he moved here? I'm not moving anywhere. Would he joined the OTO and be a priest and initiator? He has this professed hatred of Christian Morals as I/we do. That's a start. Can I stand the intensity of the Scorpio intimacy? I realize that I still have quite a few walls myself. I wonder if they'll ever fall. Man Im just so burned though. Can I stand a man with a big ego? He might want to be the only one who's an artist in a pair. Maybe he's living with someone who doesn't tromp on his spotlight. If he doesn't desperately need to see me, why'd he call and leave that message? I can't figure it out. At least I got past the stuff with Mr. D. Now I can really see the wonderfulness he has. What was going on when I thought he was saying all these things in order to hint that he wanted something more than friendship right now was perhaps not able to lead to love. I have a feeling that all this will lead to love anyway. It's probably just as I thought it is, that there are a number I can love but only few I can live with, maybe only one. It's a practical view I find workable. If my mind thinks this badly of Fra a, why can't I let it go? It would be best that way, really best. I mean, it's not like we got married or something. Why can't I just let it go? Probably because he's the only one who's mentioned wanting a child. And what's Sor B's story? It seems like she's got a torch for him or something; or there's a secret feud going

on. She hasnt let it go completely, whatever it is. Well there are some ties that can't be cut, as she said, you think it would have quieted down by now. Does she still want him? He certainly doesn't want her. Is what Fra a said about her true? Is she just seeking to control and doesn't really love; I wouldnt like to see Fra h hurt; he'd probably shoot himself. Well, I don't have any more information other than hearing her mutter about doing it her way when she first saw the k/r/cold War "reports." It was another one of those mornings where I woke up with any insight clear as ice, and a pretty cold one too... I am still afraid of intimacy. I have confused a number of men with that. I give off c'mere signals and then when they get close I cringe or back off. They have every right to think I'm just playing a game. I feel like I'd like to explain it to every one of them just so they don't think they've done anything wrong. I probably confused Fra A the most because he was one of the first. And god, he felt so good. What was I supposed to do? I come up here, I'm tired, stressed, my life as I knew it falling apart. I can't perform or know who to trust. I showed a lot of courage taking on trust what I did at that time damn right. All the things I thought he was saying to play a trick on me; all the things that happened I thought were viciously planned -- how the tables have turned! Didn't have much vigilance then. I dont need to build more armor either. Don't need a thicker shell. Right now, I feel like ditching everyone; nothing's got any ideal in it at all. It's gonna take a lot more courage than I've had before in order to get past present discovered barriers.

11/14/93 sun Scorpio moon Sagittarius Am having kundalini rushes again, very strong. Can tell by the feel of tinglingfront of the nose face. Also the same feel in the back of..upper back & scapula; tell by..chakra feeling full. I dont have a problem being ifof it anymore. I integrate as much the rest goes quiet ag.to integrate & use more.before. I believe my .for remaining calm & I wish I fullness. I think perhaps.have to not work on.survive. Who knows if.or woman her.having to survive in the jungle of .America? I dont know.itswithout being a Myself & N& Fra. D & Sor. D all ended up in Fra. G & Vsapt last night, till 2 a.m.lung collapse & Parkinsons disease & he seems to have shed a lot of the active psychic attack .or at least its not as prominent. It seems more spiritually aware of herself. Sor. D has lost some of her looks, gained weight & has less energy to spend on paranoid delusion. I guess she still has the tendency to use men for the usual things but Id take to think this is something new to that in her character thats positive rather than being skinny. I felt like Id come home again sitting in Fra. Bs room/temple tho. The energies were familiar, I know he does the Thelemic stuff in there. It was the same familiar feeling I got when I first felt OTO energies re Would that I could transform to be just the like they are! Heidrick sounds & feels like that, so did Rusty & the letter from Fr.Carter.

I feel that theres a seed form of a camp between Sor. B & Fra G & I & Fra. G & V is nothing & I refuse to get any hope up what he did (G) is the hope. I tried to arrange it. I think that, if nothing were Thelemic at least. The Grail Fra. A gave me; I feel a strong sense of desire for greater order, with a sharp edgelike bearing toward truth, with a capital T. I must use the approach in doing the report/letter to Heidrick. It must be plain & concise toward the Truth w/o wasting words, time is or frivolity. I hope I am honing on to this influence, but the grail is always there. I had Mr. D hold the Grail Friday night. He detected Fra. As presence in it, after all this time. 4 years later someone who is barely psychokinetic feel it, & I gave him no clues either. His doing good with the obsidian too. The Grail healed Shaolin by bringing his mania to order. Now I realize that the Grail is exactly what Fra. A meant it to be. In the East, with a feather Card reading on what happens to Fra. A after I send report to Heidrick. 9Cr, Hermit, AD, PgD, 2Sr, 3Sr, 6S, emperor, Justice, Hierophant 11/25/93 It occurred to me in my present state of madness (which is a constant I suppose) that doing the banishing, especially Reguli, begins to center (?) the Magical Child before I get to Mass of the Phoenix. The lines thou child, seems to be speaking to something inside me, not aswith fair tribute to as above, so below/within-without, etc. I find it to be my will to have this child born of me/is me, is something I didnt start with but I have asked RHK .destroy, gladly, whatever.permanently. Have Is..taken steps backward.My seems.seat to a U Herlynormalcy .Perhaps .stimulation. I must do 11/29/93 sun Sagittarius moon Gemini last night-eclipse Dream: I was staring in a production of Peter pan, as peter pan. So figure this out. It was done in w sections, one in morning & one in afternoon There were two performances, the other troop starred Mary Martin (the original.) They were both divided up into halves into morning & afternoon & with time in-between. I would go places in between. I had gone to a restaurant or a meeting or something. I was sitting at a table when Fra. A came in & sat down at my table. Is my subconscious mad at me again? He didnt speak to me, not that wait a minute. We did talk. We were there for the same reason. I think it was a meeting of some sort on a subject we were both interested in. I dont remember what we said to each other, but we did speak. But it was very pleasant indeed. We were alone together at the tale. He was very aware & awake & together. But I had to remember to be back in time for the second half of the peter pan. Why peter pan? I mean, it was a whole lot of fun. Perhaps its just about what peter pan is about, not growing up & always having fun. I f eel as if Im in the throes of the depths of the Masonic initiation which mirrors the Egyptian /other culture rites of when death occurs, the spiritual ego must go to underground/Hades & serve other souls in order to evolve of save them, on order to redeem itself, or in order to earn resurrection. I mean, all this spiritual service Im doing is just not going to get me anything because none of them appreciate it in the level its on. Even my transcendence of the whole Khensu-Ra thing is service because theyre never going to fathom whats happened. Service! Yes, I wanted service but I need certain other

things, like results! Yet, I cant stop myself. I cant get personal attention I need. Maybe this is the last test of service. I certainly dont need the sacrificial bit. Im on enough crosses as it is. I mean, Im spiritually (?) these folks (Mr. D& etc.) & think all its going to amount to because I eventually get to where theyre going with it & wont need me anymore. This service bit is lonely. Plus it puts me beyond their understanding.

12/5/93 Reading on how will the relationship with Clare turn out a la Tarot in 10 Minutes: Lovers, justice, two cups (above), eight cups (below), four cups (behind) ace cups (before), three cups, Hermit, magician, high priestess. Now -- I've encountered the sleep of Siloam again, in magic without tears, and in the publication from Eulis lodge last week. Methinks the message is afoot! I was happily entertaining the idea of asking Dr. Greenfield about it anyway. 12/6/93 Reading as per tarot in ten minutes. How will relationship with Mr. D turn out? hermit , lovers, two cups, seven cups, three cups, six cups, justice, high priestess, empress, hierophant . 12/13/93 sun Sagittarius moon dont know cause the ephemeris is still in pieces from being used so much (well, at least I do my homework) I'm pissed. I'm pissed because Fra D took second degree, after he told me that he thought what the oasis did to me was stupid and that he wanted to be independent and he'd better not join anything else now. I feel betrayed. More than that, it raises an ethical uproar in me, much like Clare called hers about my situation. Now he's taken another initiation with people he says he doesn't agree with, thought the whole thing was stupid. I guess I just have to stick him in the do -- whatever -- I -- damned -- well -- please group. I suppose I'll have to talk to him first, though. Joe is doing the egotistical RAM -- among -- sheep, making up the church of Thelema with him as the only priest. This is nothing to do with Thelema, the law of the strong, individualistic philosophy. Worse, he's planning on "counseling" them into mental and psychological health. In other words, nothing has changed. Why do I have to care so much anyway? I guess whatever someone does with their own life is no bother to me, but just the fact that they are Misrepresenting something that I care a great deal about angers me. I have the right to be angry; I have a responsibility to be angry.

Sunday I sent Shaolin off to take the astral form of the grail to Fra a. He said today he's having trouble getting through (I expected this. ) everything else I've sent has failed too. Not unusual or unexpected. He says that the library has changed. He asked me if I had had the grail or himself first (Shaolin.) I told him dont you remember I healed you with the grail? Man, I don't know what's going on. I am not so much betrayed personally as professionally. These people aren't following the Tenants of Thelema. Worse, I always take a stand and stick to it. That's why I'm alone. How to have individuals in a group or community without being totally separatist, that's the crux.

12/14/93 sun sag moon still don't know until find all of ephemeris Astrological notes: Sor B and Fra H charts; both solar dispositors; her sun in 10th, his in first; both on cardinal points in cardinal houses. Hers at zenith, his at ascendant. Sor be met/found Fra h during her Jupiter return; Fra a found/met me during his Jupiter return. I have sun in 10th; Fra A has sun in first. Sor be and Fra h share an ascendant/sun; Fra A and I share ascendant/sun. Mine and Fra A's charts show Venus dispositors. If I find anything more astounding I'll be surprised. This is a lot just as it is.

12/22/93 sun Capricorn moon don't know the ephemeris is still in pieces Dream: some wiry, skinny, stupid guy who was apparently house -- sitting up (I don't know what the circumstances were) had killed skinned and was ready to fry up one of my hamsters. He was very nonchalant about it, as if this was OK or something. I got home saw this setup (the hamster had been sliced and was laid out on a plate), the skin was lying to the side. He was yakking about something and I grabbed him by the shirt front and shoved him up against the wall and shook him for all I was Worth. I shouted obscenities at him, don't remember what I said now but it wasn't pretty. That's about all I can remember, except that I woke up probably to keep from feeling the hurt that the Hamster sacrifice caused. I hope I threw him around the little and quartered him with the same knife he used. The significance of this dream is that usually I have a situation like that and I just weakly shy away feeling that I'm a Victim and can't do anything about it. This one, and more lately, says I'm getting past that and I'm not going to be a victim anymore. In this dream I took charge and did what was appropriate; I expressed my anger appropriately. It's also an anger at the victimization of the helpless. Could be anything innocent and helpless. Probably in this case more of the fact that I liked and had raised this hamster. He was being insensitive to that. I hate that. These people deserve everything they're gonna get for karma, and right now. I'm sitting at the typewriter in the dining room and I saw out of the corner of my eye the glint of light (solstice, get it?) off the brass ornaments in the doorway to the kitchen. They

are moving I guess because of hot air currents in the kitchen, but why now should I catch the glint of light, save that my psyche is tuned in to it being the solstice? 12 /25/93 1130 to 1206 am I asked a message from Nuit. I asked many questions. I was unable to comprehend them all but my concentration is better. She is always laughing, always joyous. I asked about Babalon, She answered, Behold Babalon in me. And so I beheld Babalon in her, the earthy connection, the laughing, the sensual and joyous. She showed a picture of me on the altar holding the Elements ; I figured this was a connection She meant. I asked her about the situation with the oasis; she said to Behold the Stars! I thought about what "behold" means; She imaged the Star in each individual. I already understand this. I got the message that I should behold the Stars in even harder than I had before, perhaps to strengthen my certainty. I asked what value is the man, what can the man do, what is his purpose? She replied the man is the man; it is no man you love. No need to wonder how She knew. Oh, about the stars; she said that each one is Kether. She said, behold the stars! Each one is Kether, brilliance. With the charge to behold even harder. Proceed from there. I asked about the phrase "every number is infinite, there is no difference" She only said there is no difference, an abstract concept I can't put in words. I asked about the lines "ye shall gather "If ye behold me in thine Heart, behold me in the hearts of others." that was the last line; the connection in this form seemed to break easily, plainly, and without effort, I had told her that she was in my heart. the line "ye Shall gather goods and store of women and spices," I asked about it, She just laughed as if I should know it already , probably meeting just what it says ; seems to be a Babalon-oriented part "ye shall wear rich jewels" -- "wear the jewels ye have. "was her reply. The more I asked about the priestess's speech the more I understood, in my heart, that it is exactly as she meant it to be when first channeled. I think what I said at the end there was that I had not words for all her message but that I understood it in my heart. And that I was to understand it in the hearts of others. But I was to proceed with understanding without mental comprehension on everything that was said. The words were hard to come by. It took a great deal of discipline to get as many words as I did. Putting this kind of thing into words distract me from understanding it in the way I am most suited, which is intuitionally and spiritually (whatever that means.) of course I had been thinking about the stars before this; star trek was about the episode where Jean Luc goes home and his nephew is seen at the last gazing up at the night sky from under a tree -were it a girl it would have up looked just like myself as a child. This message came, like the last one, after a significant Star Trek episode and while in the bathtub. Meaning, I suppose, that my habits are still the same. Star trek being the most significant indicator of the two. I had been upset 'cause this episode was about family support and I dont and I never did have any and was crying because of it. I had also wanted to create a family of some sort out of the situation here but it has not worked; mostly because I rejected the dysfunctional family. I had to. I suppose the grief or the crying opens me up somehow. I was thinking that I missed doing the Mass. I think I could actually hold on to the

connection intentionally now and consciously, like I never did before, during the Mass. I was also thinking that I should go up and set up the temple for invoking Nuit like I did for the three days which I never got to do. I can't remember how I invoked Her, I just seem to have a knack for it. Or, more precisely and probably more believably, the long practice. As I consider that my lifelong habit and joy of contemplating the stars set me up for this. And considering that I have this feeling of "unity" on Christmas Day, always, after all I was born in the midst of it, or holy, if you got a call it that, I know even more for sure that this is the form of it I am in the process of responding to the calling for. I have learned that you get what you contemplate. I contemplated the stars, above, and now I must contemplate the stars, below, because, that's the cosmic law. This was an act of concentration that was very hard for me. Having a mutable Mercury natally doesn't help. I feel that the present transit of Jupiter through Scorpio helps complete a fixed cross for me, at least in present time, and having made myself sensitive to Jupiter's influence, works very well and helps me learn a more "fixed" mind, concentration. I have also been able to put thoughts and images together better lately, and my concentration on reading is getting better. Or have I gotten lazy since getting out of college? It was never easy. The concentration during Fra GS meditation sessions has helped too; at least I got back the idea of concentration. As usual, when the transit is over, I shall try to retain its effects, but they always get distorted when they are over, and it is an effort to remember them and to retain their effects.

End of 1993 as far as I know