INHERENT ISSUES BASED AROUND STANDARDIZED TESTING - BY IAN STROUD INT. CLASSROOM - DAY MRS. CLARKE MRS.

CLARKE Soon we will be taking our State proficiency exams, which determine the funding this school receives next year. Unfortunately, we will be teaching to the specific criteria on the test, rather than what teachers deem actually important. The class thinks this is stupid. This is stupid. Mrs. Clarke passes out a packet full of great information. MRS. CLARKE (CONTD) To begin today, we will discuss Napoleon. MIKEs hand shoots up. MIKE Mrs. Clarke, we covered Napoleon last year for, like, a month. We already know his entire history. MRS. CLARKE Did you know his favorite color was blue? MIKE I dont see why that matters. MRS. CLARKE Its on the test, Mike. Napoleons favorite color was blue. His favorite food was escargot, and he was right-handed. The history portion of the test is very biased toward Napoleon. JESSICA has a question. JESSICA But what about the viewpoint from the rest of Europe?

2. MRS. CLARKE If I wrote the test, it would be on how Napoleon redefined war with new strategies and tactics. But thats not whats on the test. DAVID leafs through the packet. DAVID Okay, it says here that Napoleon was five foot two and that he loved his telescope. MRS. CLARKE Exactly. Thats a great segue into the science portion of the test. The important topic what the planets look like. Youre going to hate it. MIKE That hardly matters at all! MRS. CLARKE I know. But if you cant define which shade of red that Mars is, youll be held back and well have to cut sports from the budget. JESSICA Its red. Mars is just red. MRS. CLARKE Its called Rusty-Bike Dirty-Red DAVID I hate that! MRS. CLARKE Its accurate and a fact. Learn it. Also make sure to learn that Jupiters red dot is Rusty-Volvo Ruby-Red, and Venus is Mustard-Dust Daisy-Yellow. DAVID Where are these colors even coming from? MRS. CLARKE The creators of the test have an entire color spectrum chart. I suggest you be familiar with it.

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The class flips to the page with the chart, glaring at it. MIKE Surely math has to be normal. JESSICA Yeah, there are rules to math. It only works when theyre followed. MRS. CLARKE Children, youre being naive. Of course there are rules to math, but right now, which of you can tell me the name of the train station that two trains set out from, one going 60 miles per hour, one going 55, that one arrives at 2.3 hours later. Theres only one station in the state that where thats possible. JESSICA That is completely irrelevant to the concept of math. MRS. CLARKE The test makers feel its important. DAVID Im going to get held back. MRS. CLARKE I wont allow it. Just remember that air conditioners run an average of 5.2 hours a day, that grass is an 8 on the Spellman Softness Scale (which runs from 117), that you must tip a minimum of $1 at a bar for each drink purchased, and that the speed limit on 95 South is 55 miles per hour. The class is relieved. They all seem to know the last one. BLACKOUT.