Mindset

10 people, 10 mindset and 10 results

(How your mindset affects your state of singleness.)

Olufemi Fasanya
Introduction

Dear Reader,

Here is a detailed message of the programme that I held for singles on the 2nd of November,
2008; I felt inspired to put down the message in written form because of the impact I know it
can produce in anyone that reads it to enable such make the right decisions in the issue of rela-
tionship.

I explicit wrote on the impact of your thought pattern and how it affects your choice of a part-
ner, how you relate with the opposite sex and how it’ll determine if your relationship will end
in success.

I believe strongly that your world is built by your thought; it’s time to change your thought
pattern to create the kind of world that you have never imagined possible in your relationship.

Shalom

Femi
singlesaffair@yahoo.com
www.relationship-singles.blogspot.com
A Nigerian adage says, ‘As different as our faces are, so also is the state our hearts.’ Permit
me to add to it the following, as different as the state of our hearts is, so also is our actions.
Every action emanated from a thought and the results we get in life is the product of the
thoughts of that runs in our mind.

If I ask the singles that will have the opportunity to read this write up, why they are not mar-
ried; I will get a million and one excuses from all those that take the time to respond to the
question. However, if you critically look at the reasons you give for your state of singleness,
you will discover that your thinking pattern determined were you have found yourself.

What is a mindset?
I will like you to see the word mindset as a product of two words, mind and set. To fully under-
stand it, there is need to look into the meeting of both words.

One of the dictionary definitions of the word mind is the faculty of consciousness and
thought. Man was created a living soul which implies that he was created with a conscious-
ness of his environment and the ability to reason. God’s word was that the man, He created
was in His image; the Hebrew word for image is “tselem” meaning shade, resemblance; tse-
lem refers to intelligence i.e. God’s type of intelligence. Like his Maker, man was created to
discern and make choices; he was made with a will. Every of his actions came out from his
thoughts.

One of the dictionary meanings of the word set is to put in a specified place or state. If you
decide to place your pen in a specified place, it will remain in that position until someone else
comes and tamper with it.

I will therefore make use of these two definitions to give meaning to the word mindset as, the
faculty of consciousness and thought, put in a specified position or state. It implies that
once a persons mind is set in a position or state he will keep moving in that position or state
whether consciously/unconsciously. Isaac Newton’s first law of motion is applicable to the be-
havior of people when they have developed a mindset. The law states that, ‘Every body perse-
veres in its state of rest, or of uniform motion in a right line, unless it is compelled to
change that state by forces impress'd thereon.’ My summation is that every action comes
from a set pattern of thinking.

I have my mindset on issues of relationship; some people have tried to get me to think other
wise but it has proven abortive. Some people believe that a man should not keep any informa-
tion away from his wife; I don’t believe that. I believe that every man should be discrete with
information that he shares with his wife; I wrote an article on my blog (www.relationship-
singles.blogspot.com) tagged, ‘Wives versus In-laws, what men do that cause and accentu-
ate the war.’ I wrote in the article that most war that are between wives and their in-laws are as
a result of lack of discretion by many men even while they were singles.
The best way to explain a mindset is when cement is mixed with sand and water; as long as the
mixture are kept wet by it been turned and water applied to it, it will not harden. When the
mixture is poured in a container or left for some hours, it solidifies such that it will take the
force of a sledge hammer to break it. So also, once the heart of man is set wrongly, it will take
the force of truth to set him free.

How is the mindset of an individual developed?

Interaction-
The people you interact with will have a positive/negative impact on your thinking pattern.
King Solomon wisely said, ‘He that walketh with the wise, shall be wise but a companion
of fools shall be destroyed.’ Interaction always exposes one to the belief system of those peo-
ple, and consciously/unconsciously it forms the basis of our mindset.

Here are the following people that your interaction with them determines to a great extent the
mindset you have developed of the years…

Parents- Parents are people that over 80% of children got to know at the early stage of their
lives; they are the one who gave birth to us and have a strong influence on the way their chil-
dren think. King Solomon said, ‘Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is
old, he will not depart from it.’ Here are some of the ways parents’ trains up their children…

By the way they relate with one another- The way parents relate with one another count
more than what the say to their children; when a child grows up seeing the way his parents re-
late with one another, it determines their mindset about relationship especially with his/her
spouse in the future.

A young lady once said in a single meeting that I was privileged to speak in; she said she will
never get married to a poor partner. Her reason was that when her dad had no money he was a
good husband and father; however, when his financial status changed, he became someone
else. The worst of it all was he is a Christian. Her conclusion (mindset) was that poor people
can’t really be trusted, and it has form the basis of her interaction with the opposite sex.

By the way they communicate their conviction- People from generation to generation in a
particular social setting act the same way because their parents’ passed their belief system to
them. Some whites hate blacks because their parents taught them by their behavior that they
are inferior race. So there is still racism in the modern generation because of the influence of
parents on the mindset of their children.

It’s easy for children to believe without questioning the words of their parents which they
make with so much conviction; the reason is because the words they consistently listen to, they
end up believing and they end up acting on.
People- Those we relate with outside of our family setting also have influence our pattern of
thinking, such that we develop our mindset from them. One of the reasons that parents are told
to watch over their children is because of the influence of the society on them. Here are some
of the people that have influence on the development of the mindset we have…

Those we esteem as men of God- The words of people who are considered as men of God in-
fluence the thinking pattern of people who relate with them; people often esteem their words as
God speaking to them.

If the congregation will take the time to check out some of the things they believe (what they
have been taught) and what the Bible says, they will find disparity. Though some have made
this discovery yet they still hold on to what they have heard from their Pastors as truth.

The company we keep- The English adage that says, ‘Show me your friend and I will tell
me who you are’ is a statement that is so easily undermine by people. The reality however, is
that no one is better than the company he/she keeps because ones thinking pattern is easily set
by their influence. It’s only an unwise person who will believe that he can keep the wrong
company and do the right things consistently.

Exposure
We are consistently been exposed to information that affects our thinking pattern and makes us
act in a way that we never imagine we could. Information is powerful when it’s carefully pack-
aged; a good instance is that most companies spend heavy in the advertisement of their product
because they know that once a man’s mind is set on their product, he will not act too differ-
ently from a robot.

There are three levels of exposure that we are open to…

Programmes and films from the television screen- Visual information have a great influence
on people beyond their imagination; if you meet anyone who can’t handle his/her sexual drive,
ask them information they watch the most on their television. When I counsel people who
come up with the issue of strong sex drive, I have discovered that many a time, the root of their
problem lies in the visual information they view.

Music- Lyrics from a well organized sound combination always catch the attention of people;
even if they don’t initially like the music, once they are consistently exposed to the lyrics of
the song, they unconsciously know some of it by heart.

Songs affect the emotion of people and when it’s carefully tailored in a given direction, it
builds a people with a mindset so strong they act out what they sing.
Books- Written information is an expression of someone’s else’s mindset; when someone en-
joys reading a particular book, magazine, or novel; there is a mental image formed that end up
dominating the mind of the person.

Years ago, when I love reading James Hadley Chase novels, when I read about the bad guys, I
feel and think like one. When I read Barbara Carthland novels, I feel like a prince (though get-
ting married to a servant was never acceptable). When I stopped reading that information, it
took me time to shake off the mindset I had developed from them.

Experience-
Observe people who have gone through an experience that is consistent (especially in the nega-
tive) over time it is considered a reality to that person. The adage, ‘Experience is the best
teacher’ can be a dangerous saying; for one reason, it produces a mindset that can be danger-
ous.

Meet a lady that has been hurt consistently by men who she had poured her love on, you will
likely hear her say that men can’t be trusted because that experience has produced a mindset. I
heard the story of a lady that made a conclusion out of her experience (her conclusion after a
failed relationship was that unbelievers are better than Christians), she ended up getting mar-
ried to an unbeliever though she learnt later that it was a bad move. Her action came out of
negative mindset.

I will like to share with you ten mindset that I have observed over the years are the reason why
many singles seems to be unlucky on the issue of relationship. I will share on characters in the
Bible who are men like us, so that you can learn from them and do the necessary change re-
quired for the change of status you desire. Don’t ever forget that, you can’t act in a manner
that is inconsistent with what you want and have.

passing their mindset to their son; he ended been deceived to married to two sisters and the one
he loved most will not leave idol worship.

Here are 10 people; 10 mindset and 10 results...

Abraham’s mindset-

The patriarch Abraham was one of the most celebrated men in the Scriptures; he is the father
of faith and through we learn to walk with God with faith irrespective of what our five physical
senses says. However, Abraham didn’t attain the height he did because he was perfect, but be-
cause he walked with God in faith. He was a man with a like passion like us, he had weakness
and human flaws like we all have.

Abraham had a mindset flaw that can be seen in some of the children of faith of today; I call
his mindset the racist, tribalistic or religious mindset. When Isaac was ready for marriage, he
didn’t look for a wife for him in Canaan, rather he told his servant to go back to his home
country to fetch him one. Does imply that all of the ladies in Canaan were evil and idolatrous, I
believe that the answer is no. The result of his mindset was that he passed it to his son Isaac
who encouraged Jacob to also go back to Mesopotamia to go find a wife. People have a way of
passing their mindset to their son; he ended been deceived to married to two sisters and the one
he loved most will not leave idol worship.

Some of the singles that will read this write up have the Abraham mindset; they are either a
racist, tribalistic or religious in their thinking. They have a good heart that comes from accept-
ing the Lordship of Christ in their lives but they refuse to renew their mind; to them, my de-
nomination is the super one; my race is superior to any other and my tribe is the best.

I believe that the purpose of God is far more important than sentiments that come from Abra-
ham mindset; in the Christian faith, there is no superior denomination, race or tribe. We are all
equal before God; we are created for a definite purpose. God expect that you get rid of this
limiting mindset; if it’s His will that you get married to someone who is considered to be infe-
rior by your race, His desire is that you let His will stand or you will not stand for long.
The servant of Abraham mindset-

Abraham sent his servant to go seek for a wife for his son, Isaac. When he got to Mesopota-
mia, he prayed and asked for a sign to know the right lady that will be a suitor for his master’s
son. His prayer was centered on a compassionate lady that who will go the extra mile to give a
helping hand to the needy. He got what he asked for because his prayer was granted. I call his
mindset, the sign seeking mindset.

This mindset can be seen among some singles even today; they request for signs before they
can believe that any thing is the will of God. They pray for a spectacular sign from heaven and
they watch diligently for it and if no sign appears, they conclude that God is not in the thing. I
feel that one of the reason that some singles loss out in the issue of finding the right partner is
because they keep the person who is interested in them/they are interested in a hold for too
long instead of walking in faith; when the person eventually moves on, their conclusion was
that it wasn’t the will of God for their lives.

In the new dispensation that we are in, God deals with us through our relationship with the
Holy Spirit. The leading of the Lord is from within and it finds expression from without; the
ability to discern His leading is therefore paramount advantage if you know how He relates
with you.

The Lord expects you to get rid of this mindset if you have it, by learning through relationship
with Him to know how He wants to relate with you. People have been deceived by signs, but
the leadership of the Holy Spirit will lead to a desired end.
Leah’s mindset-

Leah was the eldest daughter of Laban; she wasn’t what you’ll can beautiful unlike her sister.
She must have nursed a feeling for Jacob in the course of staying with them though she knew
that there was chemistry between him and Rachael. She must have suffered low self esteem
and must have had a competitive spirit with her sister.

Leah had a mindset that I called; I must have whatever I want at all cost. She allowed her
father use her to achieving his end because her father must have noticed her Leah’s likeness for
Jacob so she was an easy target to be used to deceive Jacob. She ended up in frustration in the
marriage because Jacob never really showed her love all through their marriage and he even
showed preference for the children of Rachael than her own.

Unfortunately, there are singles that have over the years developed this mindset. They secretly
nurse feeling for the person there friend/a family member is dating; instead of backing away,
they allow their emotion to get the better out of them. In the end some of them get what they
want, but it cost them the trust of others. In the end some of them end up like Leah, the person
they stole end up going back to the person they left for them.

No man/woman is worth it for you to break your relationship with your friend/family; they
aren’t anything that hurts more than been betrayed by a friend. The Lord wants you to get rid
of this mindset if you have it.
Solomon’s mindset-

King Solomon is one of the most celebrated kings in the Scriptures; he was celebrated for his
wisdom and the way he placed excellent as the front liner in all that he does. He was indeed a
great king.

King Solomon was also a good business man, every about him shows a man that is smart and
think ahead on how to make wealth and still live in peace. In his choice of wives, it was done
with a business man’s strategy, get married to the daughters of your friends and foe; they will
be at peace with you. In his reign he had peace but at the cost of disobeying God who in-
structed his people not get married to strange women because they will turn their heart away
from their God. His mindset will not allow him obey the written law of God on who he can get
married to; at his old age, his wife turned his heart away from his God and he lost 10 kingdoms
of the nation of Israel to Jeroboam.

I call King Solomon’s mindset, the business man mindset. There are singles that have over
the years developed this mindset; everything they do is done in a business like manner. This
mindset is consciously/unconsciously brought into their relationship; this singles look what
they can benefit from any relationship they get into without considering what they can give.
They are like a leach; after they have gotten what they want they often move forward to the
next person that have more to give.

People with this mindset don’t care about the Christian faith, but are prepared to get married to
anyone that can solve challenges in their live. Marriage to them is business. Like King Solo-
mon, many of them later discover that there is more to a successful relationship than what you
can gain from it. Some of those that have this mindset are in marriages that they will do any-
thing to get out of.

The Lord’s desire is that you get rid of this mindset if you have it; it’s better to obey God than
gain all the wealth of this world. Never get wiser than God or you will learn the lesson of King
Solomon that he who disobeys God will end up loosing all that he cherishes.
Jacob’s mindset-

Jacob the 2nd son of Isaac (though a twin) will always be remembered for his smartness; he
outsmarted Esau by taking advantage of his need to make a bargain that was for his good- Esau
sold his birth right for red pottage. In collaboration will his mother; he outsmarted his father by
playing Esau in such a way that the father was convinced despite the fact that his voice could-
n’t hide him.

Jacob has a mindset that I call; I will go after and get what my mind is pleased with. As
long as it appeals to the mind of Jacob, he goes for it; this mindset can be seen in the choice of
Rachael. She was the first family member of Laban he met and he fell hopelessly in love with
her that he was willing to work for 14 years to eventually have her. He was so love blind that
he didn’t check out her core value; her faith in God. The same Rachael that he was hopelessly
in love with was the one that stole her father’s idol and took with them to the land of Canaan to
keep worshipping it. Some Bible scholars postulated that one of the reasons she died early was
because Jacob made a pronouncement whoever the idols are found with, should be put to
death.

Some singles have over the years developed this mindset; they go after whatever appeals to
their mind without looking deep into what they want to get into. They are so blinded by their
desire that they don’t look at the core values people they are interested have; they judge from
appearance rather from what that person have inside. My question to every singles in that will
read this write up is, the person that you are dating/interesting in, what are his/her core values.
Many get into marriage love struck and blind, but marriage knocked them up to a world of re-
ality but rather too late.

If you have developed this mindset, the will of the Lord is for you to let it go. Before you talk
about love, ask yourself, does he/she believe in God, can he/she be trusted?
Samson’s mindset-

Samson will always be remembered for his super human strength and his love for women. He
was Nazarene from God right from the day he was born; he was amongst the few that their
birth was foretold. He was so strong that he was a one man army; yet in the hands of women,
he was a weakling.

I call Samson’s mindset, love is all that matters. Samson always seems to get into problems
because of the kind of relationships he keeps with the opposite sex. Despite the fact that he was
a Nazarene and certain way of life is expected of him, yet he kept breaking all the God given
rules when he gets into relationship with the opposite sex. The reason was because he always
falls in love to women who God has bidden them not to get involved in relationship with.
Every woman he fell in love with got him into one form of trouble, it didn’t get him thinking
until his hair was shaved and his eyes removed.

Some singles have developed this mindset over the years from the information that they adhere
to; once they are in love, they are blind and deaf. They are like a sheep led to the slaughter,
nothing you tell them will make them see reason. Like Samson, no one can talk them out of the
relationship they are in because to them, it’s made from heaven. Like Samson, they never stop
getting hurt.

If you have developed this mindset over the years; the will of the Lord is that you get rid of it
because it will only get you into trouble. To obey God is more important than any feeling you
can and may have for any one.

Delilah’s mindset-
Delilah will always be remembered as the woman that brought down a one man army
(Samson); she shows that women are not really weak from the perspective that men interpret
the Bible from. Someone once said to me, ‘For every Samson, there is a Delilah’ in recogni-
tion of the feminine power.

Delilah shows that everyone/thing has a price, even love. I call her mindset, the in between
mindset. She was in between her love for Samson and her love for money; the love for money
seems to always win. She lost out because she most have been amongst those that met their
death when Samson pulled down their place of merriment.

This mindset is can be seem amongst some singles in the way the go about the issue of rela-
tionship; they see nothing wrong with dating more than a partner per time. When you confront
them with this issue, what you will hear them say is that it’s for security. However, their mind-
set makes them manipulative; they usually tilt towards relationship that they will enjoy the
comfort one of them have to offer. I heard the story of guy that was interested in a lady and he
had made his intention known to her; she never gave a hint that she was already dating another
person until he got to know and move on.
Dinah’s mindset-

Dinah is the last child of Leah, Jacob’s wife; pretty and pampered by her brothers. She must be
beautiful, though the Bible never talked about her beauty; but if the prince any country gets in-
terested in any lady, you don’t need to guess why.

I call Dinah’s 1st mindset, It’s better to look outward than inward for a thing. She could
have looked inward for a suitor, but instead she took interested in looking outwards for one. I
feel she may have likely developed this mindset from her interaction with her brothers since
she is the only female child of Jacob. Men tend to look outward for whom to get married too
than their female counterpart; to a man, it’s easy to hear the statement, the beautiful ones are
not yet born. So the sense of adventure got her leaving her territory for an unknown ground
which cost her her virginity because she was raped.

Some singles have this mindset; this mindset makes them too familiar with the people around
them. Their eyes are always afar when it comes to the issue of relationship; the reason is be-
cause they seems to know the flaws of the people they associate with (they have forgot get that
they are not perfect themselves) so much that they never consider them in the issue of intimate
relationship. They therefore, miss out on potential good partners because of familiarity that
leads to contempt.

The 2nd mindset that I observe that Dinah has was, since I am attracted to you, I believe
whatever you say as true. A guy walked up to her and professes his undying love for her; she
believed him. He asked her to come to his house and she trusted him; the result she got was
that she was raped. Love at first sight, without carefully studying the person before making a
commitment always lead to pain.

Some singles have this mindset; they believe anything they are told without doing a cross
check. If the person they are attracted to tells them they own the white house, they will believe.
Once their heart skip a beat when they are with another person of the opposite sex, they believe
what they are told until often time it’s too late. They end up with a heart break.

If you have developed this mindset, the will of the Lord is that you get rid of it. I feel that sin-
gles should look within for prospective partners than thinking that there is a perfect guy/lady
out there. The mindset of the perfect one is the undoing of some singles; you’ll never find on
the planet earth, perfect people. What God expects from us, is to learn to live in love with one
another irrespective of our flaws.

There is also a need for every single, not to take the words of anyone from the face value. No
one will shoot himself on the feet; until you have proven a person to be trustworthy, you
should tread the path of relationship with care.
Zimri’s mindset-

I call Zimri’s mindset, I must taste it before I pay for it mindset. Zimri is one of the sons of a
noble man in Israel, but for his lack of self control in the matters of his sexual appetite, he lost
his life.

Balaam had earlier taught the people of Midian a strategy of getting their God of their back;
that was to get them to commit sex sin. He knew that when sin gets into the camp of God’s
people, He will Himself turn against them. So the females in the land of Midian were used as
bait. This plan worked perfectly; the wrath of God was unleashed in Israel. However, the man
Zimri was so overwhelmed with his sexual urge that he didn’t seems to care about the state of
things; while others were mourning for their sin, he was busy having illicit sex. He lost his life
because Phinehas killed him and the wrath of God was abated for his action.

Some singles have develop this mindset over the years; to this singles, even if you preach till
Jesus comes that premarital sex is wrong, they will not listen. To them, it’s security risk not to
check out who they want to get married too before the consummation.

I have related with singles that I hit a wall every time I try to convince them on the need to ab-
stain from sex until the wedding day; many a times the result is like throwing a ball on the
wall. It bounces back at you. To them, they must check to ensure that what they are buying is
intact before making a purchase. The reality is, that relationships which go through this process
never leads to a lasting marriage if it gets to that stage.

If you have developed this mindset, there is a need for you to get rid of it. The truth is that, you
can’t keep breaking God’s law and in the end not get broken. You can never build a suc-
cessful marital future on a faulty foundation.
Joseph’s mindset-

The Joseph I want to talk about here ain’t the son of Jacob, but the husband of Mary. What we
know about this man was that he was espouse to a lady called Mary and from genealogy; he
was of the lineage of Judah. He discovers that he his sweet heart was pregnant and it definitely
didn’t belong to him. Naturally, he should have scream foul play and Mary would have been
killed for immoral lifestyle, yet he kept calm until he knew the mind of God on the matter.

Joseph’s mindset is, if God says it, I will obey even though I may not naturally accept it. A
walk with God demands that we learn to trust Him and trusting God don’t come easy. On rear
times, He may demand from an action you will not like, but trusting in Him will bring lasting
joy. I wonder how many singles will obey God, if they were in Joseph shoes. To quickly ana-
lyze the situation; he wasn’t the only one that knew she was pregnant. I can guess that some-
one (most likely a woman) would have pointed his eyes to the it. So to some in Israel, Jesus
would have been referred to as the child of fornication. It was the mindset that Joseph had de-
veloped over the years that saved the day.

I believe strongly that the desire of the Lord is that we develop this mindset