Some Help Communicating Tori Hernandez November 18th, 2011 Interpersonal Communication

Tori Hernandez Some Help Communicating I would love to say that Im perfect in my communication with my boyfriend, of course that is not the case. During lecture in class I was able to see our relationship on a whole new level. A lot of Ah-ha moments ran through my head as we discussed communication and love styles. It was actually a lot of fun to take the love and communication tests, because I brought all of them back and had my boyfriend take all of them as well. Luckily for us, both our communication and love styles matched up pretty well - my primary was his secondary and vice versa. Obviously that does not mean that we have perfect communication and that we totally understand each other. And from the book and from class, I was able to see why. As a disclaimer to this paper I would like to say that I consider my boyfriend, Tyler, and Is relationship a very happy one and we actually do communicate with each other pretty well. Now that I have said that I can also say we do often get into fights where our communication is less than exemplary. One thing that I know I am guilty of is using evaluation versus description (Adler 2010 p. 327). While I might start off with every intent to try and use description and express my feelings in a well thought way, a lot of times I end up evaluating. Especially if things arent going in a way I want. I can revert to aggressiveness (Adler p. 321) really easily in a heated moment. Sayings like, Why do you have to be such a jerk?! come out often enough. I know that this is really ineffective, but like we mentioned in class, sometimes this is just so much easier and more satisfying to say. Of course I regret saying it after the moment has passed, but in the moment my brain is too frazzled to think of much else. This style of argument of course only leads to a spiral (Adler 2010 p. 325). It becomes a pointing finger game of each of us trying to out do the other with ineffective comebacks. Well settle down after a while of this back and forth, but realize we wasted

time arguing like that. What I really need to focus on is using more description and whole messages when I bring a problem to Tyler. I may have good intentions when I start my argument, I let myself get frustrated too easily. Instead of focusing on what Tyler has done to make me upset, I need to concentrate on telling Tyler how I feel about what happened. I language would really help me communicate my feelings better (Adler p. 328). It would make Tyler realize what has affected me instead of him feeling attacked. It may take a lot of practice, but thinking through arguments rationally is always the way to go. While I can admit to blame in my communication styles, I think its also fitting to talk of Tylers communication style as well. I joked with Tyler after we took notes on the Ten Commandments of Clean Communication because hes guilty of occasionally doing the very opposite of a few. One that really drives me crazy is using threats. In a few arguments weve had Tyler has gotten so irritated that hes said, Forget it. Were over. At first this really made me upset. Even though I knew he wouldnt break up with me about what we were fighting about, it worried me because I knew I didnt want to break up. But just like we talked about in class, after doing this a few times I really got fed up. Enough so that the last time he did it, I looked at him and said, Fine. If you really want to break up over something like this then I guess youre right, we should break up! Obviously we didnt. After our fight I had to look at him and explain that he really couldnt just threaten a break up because things were getting uncomfortable for him to work through. I let him know the more times he said that, the more likely I was to agree to it. It was really a way of controlling our relationship during fights. I definitely felt like he had little regard for [my] needs or interests (Adler 2010 p. 329). It was as if I had to walk on egg shells when I was upset so that I wouldnt get him worked up enough to threaten a break up. However, since Ive pointed this out to him, he has really made an effort to say what he really means instead.

Weve both realized that in our communication we need to focus on expressing exactly how we feel - not whats easiest to express at the moment. Along with the ten commandments, I know that I break one for sure. I really try not to, because I know its useless, but I old history quite often. And just like we said in class, its because I dont exactly feel like I have closure with a few issues. I will bring up a past argument and will always get the I dont want to talk about this again response. However, this just pushes the problem farther and farther away from being resolved. Most of the time the issue gets resolved but it takes much longer than it should. I told Tyler the idea of letting me say what I need to until Im blue in the face and then not bringing it up again, and he actually liked the idea. I think its because he doesnt like old issues being brought up anymore than I do. However, we have not tried this method yet. When it comes to cognitive distortions, I think Tyler and I are both guilty of a few. I put on tunnel vision as soon as Im upset with something he does. As soon as something goes wrong I think of every time hes ever done something similar to make me upset. It could be something really insignificant that I then magnify and make into a large ordeal. Usually this happens if hes not around and I have time to think about the problem by myself; I start to brew on it and get more upset the more I think about it. This however, doesnt happen as often if he is there right after the problem occurs and I can tell him right away that Im upset. In that case, we can talk about the problem right away. Problems ensue when Im left with my thoughts and let them get away from me. Tyler is guilty of assumed intent. Not only does he think he knows what Im feeling, but he assumes that I should know what hes thinking. Many times he will say something to me and my response is either, Im not a mind reader or Stop telling me how I feel! I get really irritated because almost 100% of the time he is wrong about how I feel. However, he knows that this bothers

me now and has really made an effort to stop doing it. As for myself, I have realized that when Im by myself and irritated it is usually a bad combination. Ive gotten better at feeling myself start to overanalyze something that Tyler did. Recently Ive been able to catch myself early enough and bring myself back to reality. Luckily for me and for Tyler, if I am able to think through the issue rationally, I can express myself better and avoid a fight all together. Similarly, when Tyler realizes that I am not a mind reader hes able to tell me why hes upset and we can solve the problem much quicker. The more we practice these techniques the less conflict we will have to drag ourselves through. One thing that Tyler and I have really started to try incorporating into our conversations and arguments is whole messages. After class I came and read the hand out we got and his first response was, Theres no way people actually talk like that. I assured him that it was in fact possible and that we should try it. Even though its only been a few days since we started, weve been able to use it a few times. On the few occasions we have used it, weve introduced it by saying, Im going to try and use a whole message which is pretty comical when it happens, but it lets the other one know they are trying to be clear in what their saying. Surprisingly for both of us, it has been really helpful. Although skeptical at first, whole messages have ended up saving up from a few separate arguments we could have gotten into. Hopefully well be able to start using these whole messages more naturally and will become habit. Not only have I found this class to be interesting to attend and learn from, but I have really enjoyed incorporating what Ive learned into my every day life. Ive told Tyler he might as well enroll himself in the class because hes learning just as much from my notes and handouts as I am. Weve both made concentrated efforts to improve our communication styles when were upset and when its not as easy to. The class and information has really been helpful and a lot easier than I

thought it would be to incorporate into everyday life. I pride myself in being a communication student, and these chapters in particular have helped me act more like one.

THOUGHT DIARY
EVENT
He didnt wake up on time He wont be affectionate when others are around He tries to cheer me up immediately after saying something to upset me He doesnt listen when I offer advice He goes out even though I asked him to stay in

THOUGHTS
He only ever cares about what affects him personally Hes embarrassed for people to know hes in a relationship He shouldnt have said it in the first place Why wont he listen He doesnt care about what I want

FEELINGS
Frustrated Hurt Irritated

Unappreciated Angry

CLEAR THINKING DRILL

Event 1
1. When he doesnt wake up on time I feel that he only cares about what affects him personally because even if its important that he wakes up for something were supposed to do together, he usually wakes up late or will sleep through it on some occasions. However, if its something he has to do himself then he always wakes up on time. Although he may oversleep some things, if its really important to me hell be up on time. I want him to wake up for something that is really not that important but still get irritated if he doesnt want to. Usually hell sleep through it if he knows he really doesnt have to go. No Yes, like I said in number two, if its really important hell wake up on time. Yes I definitely use tunnel vision when this happens. I always think of every time hes over slept or not gotten up and missed something. That he sleeps in if the reason to wake up is something unimportant and he knows he doesnt really need to go to. However, if its important at all (to me or him) hell be there.

2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.

Event 2

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.

When friends or people we know are around he doesnt want to hold hands or show affection, but if were just out in public with people we dont know he doesnt mind. Its as if he only cares if people know who is he knows that he cares about me. Everyone knows were dating and he does sometimes hold my hand or something. My love language is touch and his love language is acts of gifts. I know he really just doesnt like PDA very much because he thinks its tacky and awkward around people. Yes Ive asked him about it and like stated before, he really doesnt like being too touchy, especially in front of people. No it is not always true. He does hold my hand or give me a peck goodbye in front of people, especially now that he knows it upsets me. Yes Im using tunnel vision. Since I now know that he just doesnt like public affection much in the first place, it doesnt make me feel so rejected. Im generalizing. Knowing that he will go out of his way know to show affection even if hes not used to it means a lot.

Event 3
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. He said something that hurt my feelings but then immediately after tried to act like nothing was wrong. He was upset when he snapped at me and then realized that said it in frustration and didnt mean it. He spoke out of frustration and didnt want me to be upset. He wasnt trying to blow off what he said, but instead he was trying to make up for it. Yes I asked him and his answer was what I said in number three. He knew he had messed up so he was trying to make me feel better. Usually when he says something hurtful he realizes it and tries to make up pretty quickly I am using tunnel vision. It just irritates me because it seems like hes is trying to make light of being hurtful. But what I need to realize is his quick comeback with something cheerful is actually him trying to make up for what he said, not blow it off. As said before, he is actually trying to make me feel better. If I realize this I can not get even more upset by him acting like nothing happened. Hes not acting like nothing happened hes just sorry for it happening at all.

Event 4
1. 2. He was upset and I tried to make him feel better by offering positive advice. He didnt want to hear it because it was a bad time.

3. 4. 5. 6. 7.

A lot was going on at the time and he was already frustrated as it was. He didnt want to hear any advice because he didnt feel like talking about anything at all. Yes, he said he was irritated and annoyed and a positive/upbeat attitude about the situation wasnt helping. Usually he appreciates my advice and positive attitude. I had the expectation that he would appreciate it again, and was rather hurt when he didnt. So no, it is not always true. This scenario actually rarely happens which is why it upset me so much when it did. It was as if he was rejecting me and what I had to say. However, I needed to realize I might have offered the advice too soon and he hadnt been able to process everything going on at the time. He wanted to talk and hear the positivity after he had been able to settle down a little. I just probably needed to give him a little extra time before feeding positive advice in his face because he was too upset.

Event 5
1. I told him I would rather him stay in during a night instead of go out with his friends but he went out instead It doesnt mean he doesnt care about what he wants, it just means he was doing what he wanted instead for a night. He had stayed in with me for the past few nights and wanted to do something with his friends instead. Yes I asked and he said he just wanted to do something different. Since I wasnt able to go out because I was in season he said he just wanted to hang out with the guys for a change. No he stays in with me a lot. Yes I was using tunnel vision. Just every time he goes out I end up getting irritated with him and I was sick of having that happen. So when he still left even though I asked him not to, I thought of all the times he went out and ended up irritating me. It was the first time in a long time he was going out, and I should have been more understanding that he just wanted to do something else for a change. Plus he knew that I usually got irritated when I left and promised to not be out too late. I should have trusted that he wouldnt choose to irritate me but chose to have a balance of friends and girlfriend.

2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7.

Using the Clear Thinking Drill actually helped a lot. In moments and when events occur that upset me, I very rarely make myself stop and think why or what caused the event to happen. Im usually quick to jump to conclusions, a lot of the time using assumed intent. I try and figure events out in my head, but when I do it right away Im usually not with a clear head. This drill helped me step back and see an argument and fight that Ive had with a new perspective. Im hop-

ing to get to the point where it wont have to be two days after a fight happens for me to figure it out, however. I learned that I should probably just settle down and try and think through things a little bit more rationally. Once it comes naturally, it will really help mine and Tylers relationship, because Ill be able to express my feelings more level headed and Ill be able to get his perspective as well. Although I have not used it in action yet, I can only imagine how thinking through these seven questions will benefit times when I get upset about little events that happen.

Reference Page
Adler, R. (2010). Interplay: The Process of Interpersonal Communication. (11th ed., p. 321-329). New York: Oxford University Press.