THE

UNITY OF CONTRARIES - A LEGACY OF HESED

The Unity of Contraries - A Legacy of Hesed Emily Kelechi-Kelly COMM 614 Ethical Issues in Communication emily.kelechikelly@rexmail.queens.edu

THE UNITY OF CONTRARIES - A LEGACY OF HESED Martin Bubers definition of the unity of contraries, the narrow ridge upon which interpersonal relationship engagement finds its balance, (Buber, 1948) could manifest itself in any number of dialogic situations. From maintaining a marriage to navigating a new friendship, finding the sweet spot of demand and balance is a line upon which all of us may seek to healthfully tread. As I reflect on instances in which the unity of contraries applies in my life, one clear example comes to mind in the shadow of my mothers death. At age 27, my mother was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis (RA) and was debilitated by age 50. Her chronic RA gnawed away at her cartilage,

her immune system, her overall physical and emotional health until her passing at age 58. Chronic illness has a way of hijacking both a persons body and their perspectives; as a decidedly unwelcome third party, it manipulates physical aptitude and emotional responses into something far outside of the persons control. Her final fight with RA extended over five months of hospitalizations and rehabilitation facilities until she succumbed to a combination of infections, most notably, MRSA, or methicillin- resistant staphylococcus aureus (Davis, 2011), dehydration and malnutrition. The interpersonal discourse between mother and daughter has sought explanation by everyone from scholars to fathers. There are intricacies determined through perception, instinct and emotion inexplicable by those outside of the dynamic. Throughout her illness, my mom fought fiercely to protect me from understanding the pain she experienced on a daily basis and from having a clear picture of her health while shielding me as best she could from the emotional toll; the medications and visits to the rheumatologist that seemed to forever offer more complications than answers. One may speculate her protection created a layer of insularity to create the interpersonal distance she felt needed to allow for my own reconciliation of the illness and her inevitable passing. As I reflect upon the time she was in the hospital prior to her death, I can see where my actions may have not only overran the reality but bounded directly over it in my attempt to heal, avenge, fight, seek and resolve the situation. A daughters love coupled with denial and heartbreak would cause

THE UNITY OF CONTRARIES - A LEGACY OF HESED anyone to forget they cannot own the relationship or the situation. What one likely cannot understand

on a conscious level (or perhaps without having read this text!) during an experience such as this is that indeed, the persistent demand without attentive change from the other moves the interpersonal communication from relational attentiveness to relational control (Arnett, Fritz and Bell, 2009, p. 129). My fight for control over her health and her outcome was a battle fought out of love but one lost to the reality. The authors note yet it is the shadows, the possibility of demand not enacted, that give power and meaning to the light of relationship sustained by hesed, a Hebrew term suggesting something must be done for the good of the relationship but cannot be demanded (Arnett, Fritz and Bell, 2009, p. 128). I would sadly and wholeheartedly agree in this particular situation my honoring hesed was to let her go, to acknowledge the protection wasnt out of stubbornness but love, and to accept her passing into a place free from the confines of rheumatoid arthritis. Her freedom brings immense grief, but by honoring this commitment to the relationship, or hesed, power, meaning and joy gives light to the relationship. It is within this light the unity of contraries both exists and takes on new meaning the narrow ridge upon which our interpersonal relationship found its balance was not only in life, but also in passing.

THE UNITY OF CONTRARIES - A LEGACY OF HESED References Arnett, R.C., Bell, L. M. & Harden Fritz, J. M. (2009). Communication ethics literacy. Thousand Oaks, California: SAGE Publications, Inc. Davis, C. (2011, October 17). MRSA (methicillin-resistant staphylococcus aureus) infections. Retrieved from http://www.medicinenet.com/mrsa_infection/article.htm.