Mills 1 Kimberley Mills Dr.

Kliger Cas 203 fall 2012 11 October 2012 The Self, Attachment and Interpersonal Communication Beginning in our first weeks of infancy we begin to recognize our relationships and build upon them as we are simultaneously being primed by our parents use of bonding styles, which have a great influence on how we see ourselves and as we become adults, how we approach relationships. The ways in which we bond and communicate with our caregivers teach us their view of themselves, and the social world. This also affects how we perceive and relate to ourselves and society. Communication is fundamental to our survival. As infants we communicate our most basic needs for food, safety and love, as described in Abraham Maslows hierarchy of needs. In order to be satisfied with the self and our environment we must first understand how we communicate and just as importantly, familiarize ourselves with some factors that contribute to our lack of effective interpersonal communication. In my research I explored how infant attachment styles shapes the self and affects how we bond and function in adult relationships. The four patterns of care giving that serve our adult attachment styles are secured: caregiver is consistent with love, comfort, support and is positive towards child. Fearful: caregiver is negative, rejecting and abusive towards the child. Dismissive: caregiver is unavailable or displays lack of interest-child usually is dismissive towards others and avoids relationships. Anxious/ambivalent: caregiver is inconsistent with affection and behavior is unpredictable towards the child leaving him preoccupied within relationships. As we age and

Mills 2 gain wisdom we seek to understand and conquer our feelings and the feelings of our loved ones. This concept is measured in emotional intelligence [EI]. EI is the ability or tendency to perceive, understand, regulate and harness emotions adaptively in the self and in others (Schutte). EI plays a very important role in social progression and also lends a hand to the foundation of interpersonal relationships. EI includes the ability to understand and regulate others as well as ones own emotions and may be related to both characteristics that build relationships and sustains them (Schutte). Mothers can learn to become more empathetic and aware of their own emotions in order to be better in-tune with their babys emotions. Mothers with insecure bonding styles may not know how to manifest their own emotions or how to react to others expression of emotions and sometimes this creates a tense, resentful attitude toward the infant (Schutte). Forgiveness is also a trait most readily attributed to adults with secure attachment. Securely attached individuals have more adaptive strategies for organizing and regulating their emotional experiences. Forgiveness is a behavioral response to conflict and interpersonal betrayal (Lawler-Row). Adults who are insecurely attached are less likely to openly and effectively express themselves and therefore are less likely to want to continue in the relationship with their offender. In addition to our capacity to communicate, we also learn other behaviors from our caretakers. Somatizing behavior is connected to insecurely attached adults who seek help for illness as means of being cared for. The pain felt by the patient of somatoform disorder may arise from conflict in which the patient is unable to cope and the illness is a maladaptive personality trait (Scott). Due to this maladaptive manifestation of emotions, patients are unable to sustain healthy relationships because they are unable to be providers of the care and comfort that they seek from others.

Mills 3 Suicide is a complex concept when it comes to classifying patients. The wish to be saved is an element in every suicide attempt and the outcome of an attempted suicide depends on the outcome of interpersonal communications between the potential suicide and their significant other (Fawcett). This study hypothesized that suicidal patients who have fearful, dismissive or ambivalent attachment styles are unable to communicate effectively and are likely to have been ineffective in any attempts at interpersonal communication prior to depressive illness and they also tend to deny dependency and have an inability to acquire desired responses to their needs (Fawcett). They are unable to help their loved ones help them. Childhood trauma, too, affects adult attachment. Trauma is the condition when upsetting and unpredictable situational factors interrupt the psycho-sociological experience suddenly and significantly, and interferes with the coping capacity of the person for the moment or a period of time (Yumbul). Studies have likewise shown that childhood trauma is a contributing factor of infidelity in adult relationships and that those with anxious/ambivalent bonding styles are more likely to have romantic jealousy (Yumbul). Everyday the brain creates new connections based on the continual expansion and growth of our relationships and the experiences that shape our relationships. Neuro-images now give evidence that a babys first attachments are imprinted in the brain and prove how important social connections are in our lives (Ackerman). When two people become a couple the brain extends its idea of itself to include the other, a plural self emerges (Ackerman). The self develops when we learn to differentiate ourselves from our parents, siblings and everyone else we encounter. Every day through our own experiences in conjunction with our vicarious ones we reflect on ourselves by relating to others, though not always consciously, and the self continues growing and progressing. Our relationships are our reflected appraisal. When

Mills 4 children are insecure they tend to grow up feeling unloved, unlovable and unable to love others for fear of rejection or neglect in relationships. Interpersonal communication is important in our lives because it is key is shaping how we perceive ourselves and our environment. It sets the stage for our need to embrace or stray away from affection, inclusion and intimacy and as we become more knowledgeable about how we learn to communicate we can become more effective at interpersonal communication.

Mills 5 Works Cited Ackerman, Diane. "The Brain on Love." NYtimes.com. The New York Times, 24 Mar. 2012. Web. 06 Oct. 2012. Fawcett, J., M. Leff, and W.E. Bunney, Jr. "Suicide: Clues From Interpersonal Communication." Arch Gen Psychiatry 21.2 (1969): 129-37. Lawler-Row, Kathleen, et al. "The Role of Adult Attachment Style in Forgiveness Following an Interpersonal Offense." Journal of Counseling and Development : JCD 84.4 (2006): 493502. ABI/INFORM Complete; ProQuest Nursing & Allied Health Source; ProQuest Social Sciences Premium Collection. Schutte, Nicola S., et al. "Emotional Intelligence and Interpersonal Relations." The Journal of social psychology 141.4 (2001): 523-36. ABI/INFORM Complete; ProQuest Social Sciences Premium Collection. Scott, Stuart., and R. Noyes. "Attachment and Interpersonal Communication in Somatization." Psychosomatics 40.1 (1999): 34-43. Yumbul, Cigdem. "The Effect of Childhood Trauma on Adult Attachment Styles, Infidelity Tendency, Romantic Jealousy and Self-esteem." Procedia, Social and Behavior Sciences 5th ser. (2010): 1741-745.