J a c i n t a Mc S h a n e

H i d d e n G i f t s
An abuse survivors triumph through cancer
AUSTIN MACAULEY
Copyright J a c i n t a M c S h a n e
The right of Jacinta McShane to be identified as author of this work
has been asserted by her in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the
Copyright, Designs and Patents Act !88"
A## rights reser$ed" %o part of this pub#ication &ay be reproduced,
stored in a retrie$a# syste&, or trans&itted in any for& or by any
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Any person who co&&its any unauthori'ed act in re#ation to this
pub#ication &ay be #iab#e to cri&ina# prosecution and ci$i# c#ai&s for
da&ages"
A C(P cata#ogue record for this tit#e is
a$ai#ab#e fro& the )ritish *ibrary"
ISBN 978 1 84963 013 9
www"austin&acau#ey"co&
+irst Pub#ished ,-../
Austin 0 Macau#ey Pub#ishers *td"
-1 Canada S2uare
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*ondon
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AC7%83*4D64M4%TS
A special thank you to my son Josh
!o" you" ama#in$ lo%e an& cou"a$e'
(hank you $ui&in$ an$els an& !amily o! lo%in$ !"ien&s'
)ou" spi"itual $ui&ance an& suppo"t
th"ou$hout ou" *ou"ney
has +een t"uly ,hea%en-sent.'
Josh an& I coul& not ha%e &one this /ithout you0
1i&&en 2i!ts
An Abuse Survivors Triumph through Cancer
I needed Cancer in my life to heal completely
3"om 4isease to 5omplete 1ealin$
Such gratitude
( can ne$er repay
Such hu&i#ity
( ha$e ne$er e9perienced
Such power
( ne$er knew ( had
Such beauty
( ha$e ne$er seen
Such freedo&
( ha$e ne$er known
Such truth
( ha$e ne$er re#eased
Such peace
( ha$e ne$er fe#t
Such #ife
( ha$e ne$er cherished
Cancer has gi$en these beautifu# gifts
to &y son and &e
3e share the& with you
with our #o$e
1
Expanation o! Terms an" Names
use" in this boo#
5inty 5in&y an& Jacinta
( was christened Jacinta" (n this story, ( a& known as
:Cinty;; by &y fa&i#y, and :Cindy; in &y ear#y working years"
Ba#ookas
Ma&&y < a petite, s#i&, attracti$e wo&an had breasts that
#ooked #ike ba'ookas" Throughout this story, &y &other;s
breasts are referred to as :ba'ookas;"
4is-ease
( refer to Cancer throughout this book as dis=ease being
spiritua# unrest as opposed to disease as a patho#ogica#
condition" >obert )urney < author of The Dance of Wounded
Souls su&s up dis=ease as? :%ot being at ease, at one with
Spiritua# Se#f" %ot being ab#e to be in ba#ance, in har&ony with
the uni$erse" A## other diseases < physica#, e&otiona#, &enta# <
spring out of, are caused by, spiritua# dis=ease";
5c-ance"
Cancer is spe#t with a capita# :C; up to the entry on -7
th
+ebruary ;.7 in chapter - < &y sa#$ation" Cancer has power
o$er &e up to this point"
Cancer is spe#t with a s&a## :c; fro& this &o&ent on to the
end of this story ref#ecting &y power o$er cancer"
2o&ness
6odness is a b#essed b#end of innate goodness and 6od
within each one of us"
6holistic
3ho#istic care is the nurturing and treat&ent of the entire
person physica##y, e&otiona##y, spiritua##y and &enta##y with
the e&phasis on the :who#e;"
1omes' (he Bank 1ouse an& 7ima%a&y 8oa&
As a fa&i#y we #i$ed initia##y in the )ank @ouse and #ater
in *i&a$ady >oad in Derry, %orthern (re#and"
(he Bank 1ouse in Ship9uay St"eet :A$es ; < 1=>
The )ank @ouse is situated on the corner of Cast#e Street
and Ship2uay Street < the &ain street in the centre of Derry on
a s#ight inc#ine #eading down to the docks by *ough +oy#e"
)ui#t ear#y in the !..s, this huge stone edifice is our ho&e
and daddy;s workp#ace ro##ed into one" The @ibernian )ank as
it is known, takes up the entire ground f#oor and part of the
base&ent" This is Daddy;s do&ain, the on#y p#ace where he is
in charge" >ich, &ahogany counter with ta##, wrought=iron
rai#ings separate the staff fro& the custo&ers who enter fro&
the Ship2uay Street entrance" Daddy has his own pri$ate office
at the far end and a s&a## cubic#e ne9t to it where he can ser$e
custo&ers" +our cashiers each ha$e their own cubic#e
a#ongside" 8#d, worn wooden f#oorboards support this office
which is busy fi$e days a week and &ost e$enings when daddy
works #ate"
At the back, a pri$ate door opens to our ho&e which has a
#arge &arb#e=ti#ed ha## and separate entrance fro& Cast#e
Street" Just behind the stairs #ies a s&a##, stone=f#oored area
with entrance to the back yard outside and a wooden, #atched
door to the foreboding coa# ce##ar be#ow" *ong winding stairs
#ead up to our fourteen=roo&ed ho&e on a further three f#oors"
A spacious #anding opens out to fi$e roo&s on the first f#oor?
the kitchen where we spend &ost of our ti&e, eating, watching
TA, praying and fightingB the posh drawing roo& where
&a&&y i&presses her friends p#aying the piano, drinking into
the s&a## hours and ho#ding office parties to i&press daddy;s
work co##eaguesB the #arge #i$ing roo&, with huge &ahogany
dining tab#e and &atching side=board co$ered in si#$erware
and cut crysta# g#asses" @ere ( often p#ay with &y brother and
sister" Santa #ea$es our Christ&as presents here, too" %e9t to it
#ies the #ong, unused pantry with rows of &ost#y e&pty
cupboards where ( hide so&eti&es, and she#$es, so&e
containing &a&&y;s i##=fated atte&pts at &aking da&son Ca&"
Then opposite our kitchen is &a&&y;s and daddy;s bedroo&
with two beds, one doub#e and one sing#e" This is where (
&ake daddy stop #o$ing &e"
8ur bedroo&s are on the second f#oor" There is a toi#et at
the top of the stairs ne9t to &y pink wa##=papered bedroo&,
which #ooks out on to the back yard be#ow" 8pposite is &y
brother;s and sister;s bedroo& and past that, the #arge, p#ain,
greenish bathroo& < another hiding p#ace < fro& &a&&y;s
rages" There are two further &essy roo&s at the far end, which
we &ain#y use as p#ayroo&s" Dpstairs in the attic are three
&ore spare roo&s, one with a #oft window out on to the
s#oping s#ated roof high abo$e the road" Most roo&s are huge
with high cei#ings and firep#aces" ( #o$e this house but ( a& not
happy here"
7ima%a&y 8oa& :A$es 1=-19>
8ur new ho&e is daddy;s retire&ent ho&e, the first ho&e
that he has had actua##y to buy" %o porter here, no busy office
downstairs, no business parties, no &ore outside caterers" @ere
we are on our own" A Aictorian detached house, white stone
with b#ack woodwork and a s&a## back garden, situated in a
residentia# area on the &ain road to *i&a$ady, a town so&e 7
&i#es away" Downstairs on the ground f#oor is a sitting roo&
which we ca## the :b#ue roo&; and where we spend &ost of our
ti&eB a dining roo& with our piano, which is our best roo& and
where we spend $ery #itt#e ti&eB kitchen with Aga cooker,
kitchen tab#e and s&a## scu##eryB and a ground f#oor bathroo&"
Dpstairs are a separate toi#et and four bedroo&s" Euite a bit
s&a##er than we were used to and a wor#d away fro& &a&&y
and daddy;s co&fortab#e, socia# #ifesty#e" This is when daddy
gets sick"
$
Intro"uction% &ast an" &resent
(t;s i&possib#e to predict how each of us wi## react unti# we
co&e face to face with &aCor cha##enges in our #i$es" Difficu#t
and often trau&atic e9periences can offer us wonderfu#
opportunities to dig deep into who we rea##y are and unearth
our true :godness;"
As a sing#e professiona# &other with a nine=year=o#d son,
&y sudden diagnosis of an aggressi$e for& of in$asi$e )reast
Cancer in May -..5 at the age of 1- turned our wor#d
co&p#ete#y upside down" >ee#ing fro& one crisis to another,
we strugg#ed to cope as a fa&i#y, stu&b#ing and staggering
a#ong this e&otiona##y and physica##y cha##enging path"
3riting this book was not a conscious decision but one
borne of &y i&&ediate reaction to &y Cancer diagnosis"
+#oundering under the shock, ( ca&e ho&e fee#ing so a#one,
co&p#ete#y de$astated, and i&&ediate#y started pouring out
&y thoughts and fee#ings on to &y co&puter" This was &y
pri$ate p#ace, &y sou#&ateB so&ewhere ( cou#d turn to share
&y fear, despair, anger and keep a grip on what was happening
to &e and &y son"
This is not a book about &agica# Cancer cures nor is it
about &y :fight; or :batt#e; with Cancer" ( a& not a doctor nor
a 2ua#ified authority on Cancer but ( a& an infor&ed cancer
patient" Part of &y cha##enging, yet e&powering, e9perience
has in$o#$ed &aking &y difficu#t way through our be#eaguered
hea#th ser$ice, speaking up honest#y about how ( fee#,
cha##enging opinions, &aking difficu#t choices but a#ways
&aking &y own decisions" The infor&ation about $arious
co&p#e&entary therapies and treat&ents in this book are the
resu#t of &y persona# search for the best who#=istic treat&ents
to co&p#e&ent &y con$entiona# &edica# treat&ent" Co&&ents
about unna&ed professiona#s or organisations are in no way
persona# but designed to ref#ect the strengths and weaknesses
of an o$erworked, target=dri$en and phar&aceutica##y=#ed
syste&" (n fact, &y speaking out asserti$e#y throughout &y
treat&ent be#ies &y utter terror at what is happening to &e
and, unbeknown at the ti&e, begins a re&arkab#e process of
inner hea#ing"
The guts of this story goes back to the ear#y !1.;s in
%orthern (re#and" As a chi#d, &y fa&i#y was a picture of
percei$ed &idd#e=c#ass respectabi#ity and success < a
g#a&orous, ta#ented, outgoing, youthfu# &other and a &uch
o#der, reser$ed, inte##igent, acade&ic, professiona# father, with
three beautifu# chi#dren? :Pi##ars of the co&&unity;, so to
speak" The rea#ity howe$er was tota##y different" My chi#dhood
as part of this fa&i#y harboured an intricate, secret web of
physica#, se9ua# and e&otiona# abuse"
8n the one hand, stripped of any affectation, this is a raw
story of the trau&atic but en#ightening and #iberating effect of
Cancer upon our fa&i#y, captured in Courna# for&at as it
occurs, with &y son;s e9perience i##ustrated in his e&oti$e
sketches, obser$ations and co&&ents" 8n the other, this is a
&uch deeper story, with Cancer acting as a cata#yst for &y
co&p#ete spiritua# hea#ing, re$ea#ed in narrati$e f#ashbacks to
&y troub#ed chi#dhood which are interspersed throughout the
&ain te9t" Cancer enab#ed &e to find the courage to confront
&yse#f and gi$e birth to a beautifu# but suppressed, and deep#y
asha&ed part of &yse#f, bringing a&a'ing hidden gifts into our
uncertain wor#d"
( hope that our raw e9perience wi## he#p you find your
inner $oice, $iew your trau&atic e9perience for the :rea#;
&essage and the a&a'ing hidden, :hea#ing; gifts that it can
bring to each and e$eryone of us"
'
(Li!e )e!ore
4ncu&bered by deep#y &asked fee#ings of inade2uacy,
insecurity, betraya#, sha&e and fear, ( approached #ife as if it
were a constant threat to &e" These under#ying fee#ings and
attitudes &anifested the&se#$es in a re#ent#ess need to pro$e
&yse#f" @ence the working side of &y #ife do&inated, as this
was where ( cou#d fee# :in co&p#ete contro#;, #eading &e into
de&anding careers in sa#es and training consu#tancy" @a$ing
begun &y sa#es career in &y &id twenties, ( changed &y na&e
fro& :Jacinta; to :Cindy; in a conscious bid to &ake it easier
for e$eryone to pronounce and re&e&ber &e? or so ( thought,
#itt#e rea#ising that ( was further suppressing &y inner sha&e
and gui#t" (nf#ated by &y growing ego, ( set up &y own
Training Consu#tancy in !! with a re#ent#ess deter&ination
and wi## to succeed" +aci#itating dyna&ic workshops the #ength
and breadth of 4ng#and and (re#and, &y standards were
e9ceptiona##y high as ( pushed &yse#f &erci#ess#y, without any
consideration for &y poor body" ( did not entertain fai#ure in
any way and so Cindy e&erged < strong, $ersati#e, tenacious,
co&petiti$e, i&peccab#y groo&ed, successfu# and &ost of a##
fierce#y dri$en by de&ons deep within"
3hi#st &y working #ife was where ( e9ce##ed, and fe#t in
co&p#ete contro#, &y persona# #ife was a different &atter,
frag&ented with unfu#fi##ing, unhappy re#ationships repeated
&y heart=breaking, wounded dance of chi#dhood" @ere ( was
#ost" Socia##y ( appeared to ha$e it a##, going off for e9pensi$e
ho#idays, &eeting up with friends, eating out and so on" )ut
rea##y this was the on#y way ( knew how to #i$e" @ence &y #ife
prior to the birth of &y son was an unco&fortab#e &ed#ey of
twoFthree days a week in a hote# in so&e corner of D7 or
(re#and packed with si9 hour adrena#in=hyped hard working
training days in the spot#ight, fo##owed by weary, #one#y days
at ho&e forcing &yse#f to go out in the e$enings under the
de#usion that ( was :#i$ing;" The irony being that *i$ing with
&yse#f was the hardest of a##"
Towards the end of !!., a good friend asked &e why (
continued taking te#ephone ca##s fro& &y &other e$ery day or
two" These ca##s were not con$ersations as such but &ore
a#coho# induced, de&ented &ono#ogues fro& &y &other in
which she continued to #ayer further gui#t upon &e reducing
&e to tears" (f ( was #ucky ( &anaged to utter the odd :yes; or
:no;" @a$ing finished with &e, she wou#d often then ring &y
sister and spew out a si&i#ar tirade" My sister and ( wou#d then
conso#e each other #ater" The on#y rep#y ( cou#d gi$e &y wise
friend was?
:( don;t know what e#se to do" ( thought ( owed &a&&y
this as she is $ery #one#y since daddy died;
Then the penny dropped" Perhaps ( didn;t need to do this
any&ore"
( sought a counse##or and $ery s#ow#y began to fee#
through &y chi#dhood" This #ed &e to &aking the difficu#t but
$ita# decision to stop a## contact with &y &other a##owing
&yse#f precious :fee#ing; ti&e"
My pregnancy and the birth of &y beautifu# son in !!1
brought an a&a'ing sense of fu#fi#&ent, re#ief and #o$e into &y
#ife" My who#e wor#d had changed, thank 6od and for the
better" @owe$er, ( sti## fe#t unab#e e$en at that stage to #et go of
&y punishing #ifesty#e, instead pushing &yse#f e$en harder to
&anage it a## e$en though &y syste& was aching for rest and
co&&it&ent to fu#fi##ing &otherhood" (t was to take &uch
#onger for &e to wake up, #et go and hea#"
4$entua##y se$en years #ater, ( re#uctant#y had to ad&it to
&yse#f that ( either needed to reduce &y work#oad or change
direction" Cindy was tired and cracks were beginning to show
at #ong #ast" A#though this was $ery difficu#t, s#ow and painfu#
at the ti&e, ( a& gratefu# that ( was ab#e to &ake this change"
Conse2uent#y, ( Coined a #oca# charity working with $u#nerab#e
ho&e#ess fa&i#ies in Apri# -..5" ( fe#t co&p#ete#y at ho&e"
8ne &onth into &y new ro#e, ( was diagnosed with )reast
Cancer"
*
A Toxic )eginning
;004
I dont want to go down here daddy, I am scared. Daddy
looks sad. You must do as your mother says, Cinty. You will
e alright down here. You must stay here until I come ack for
you and on no account come ack u!stairs. With tears
dro!!ing silently from my eyes, I wa"e ye ye and clutching
my teddy, I slowly clamer down the giant ste!s into the
cellar. The door shuts suddenly ehind me, making my little
ody #um!. I know its my fault so I ha"e to stay here. I trust
Daddy and dont want to get him into troule with mammy. $y
little lungs struggle to reathe in the musty, dam! air and the
harsh, glaring light !ierces my tired, tearful eyes. Shi"ering
and terrified, I root myself on to! of a hea! of yucky coal in
the corner, away from ra"enous mice scurrying aout eneath
my free%ing feet. I dig out some coal with my hands, trying
hard to make a sort of ed for myself whilst trying to kee! my
new dress clean, or mammy will get angry again. Comforting
mo"ement outside the arred window gradually fades as a
cruel hand of darkness descends, making my isolation more
terrifying. I feel alone and res!onsile for the whole world.
-.th Apri# -..5?
During a fo##ow=up appoint&ent with &y #oca# doctor for
hor&one rep#ace&ent therapy, she confir&s that &y recent
wo&b scan resu#ts are fine, as ( suspected they wou#d be" She
goes on to check &y b#ood pressure, acknow#edging that it is
superb, in fact the best it has e$er beenG ( attribute this to &y
radica# change in career" She then proceeds to check &y
breasts" %ow &y #eft breast has a#ways been bigger than &y
right" This has ne$er rea##y concerned &e, especia##y as ( had it
checked by the )reast Cancer Consu#tant at the hospita# ten
years ago Cust after ( ga$e birth to Josh" The e9p#anation that (
was gi$en then was that there was a s&a## cyst, :probab#y fu##
of water;, and a probab#e resu#t of hor&one i&ba#ance due to
&y age" ,3hat a cheekG/ @owe$er ( was re#ie$ed" The
consu#tant suggested ( take 4$ening Pri&rose 8i# and Aita&in
)- supp#e&ents" This was #aughab#e co&ing fro& so&eone
who is inc#ined to adopt a derisory approach to anything
re&ote#y a#ternati$e" *ooking back, ( wish that ( had #ooked
into this further, as ( now understand that hor&one i&ba#ance
can be considered ,a#though not pro$en/ as one of the possib#e
contributory causes of )reast Cancer" (n fact, this consu#tant;s
f#ippant co&&ents actua##y ga$e &e a fa#se sense of security
about &y breast"
@owe$er, as &y doctor fee#s &y #eft breast, she frowns,
obser$ing that it fee#s $ery #u&py" She i&&ediate#y fast tracks
&e to &y #oca# hospita# for a &a&&ogra&" This is the start of
our #ife changing e9perience as a fa&i#y"
--nd Apri# .5? As ( do not ha$e a partner as such, ( ask &y
c#ose friend Martin to co&e with &e" As ( had an upsetting,
unco&fortab#e e9perience with an ear#ier &a&&ogra&" ( want
so&e co&pany and support on this occasion" ( a& not rea##y
concerned about the resu#ts" ( fee# that &y doctor is Cust taking
e9tra precautions before prescribing @or&one >ep#ace&ent
Therapy"
At the hospita#, ( change into an o$ersi'ed gown and wait"
( a& ca##ed in 2uite 2uick#y" ( e9p#ain to the radiographer what
had happened #ast ti&e and that ( a& fee#ing a #itt#e ner$ous
this ti&e" ( want to &ake sure that she fu##y understands how (
a& fee#ing and can see &e for :&e; and not &ere#y another
patient" A#though ( do not rea#ise it at the ti&e, this is the start
of &y :acti$e; part in &y treat&ent" So&ething ( do as ( go
a#ong" The radiographer is $ery understanding and e9p#ains the
procedure to &e before beginning" She then guides &e s#ow#y
through each stage" 8nce ( know that the radiographer is :with
&e;, ( fee# #ess ner$ous and not about to be :done to;" ( fee#
e&powered"
&ours !ass and suddenly I hear the latch on the door at
the to! of the cellar ste!s. Daddy has come for me. I run u! the
ste!s with a renewed des!eration into daddys arms. &olding
his hand and clutching my teddy, we go ack u!stairs, my little
legs straining to take one stair at a time to kee! u! with
Daddy. &e is 'uiet and looks sad. I ho!e mammy is not still
mad with daddy or me. $y insides are all muddled u!. I
cannot sto! shi"ering. (t the to! of the stairs, Daddy tells me
to go to my room as he solemnly walks ack into the kitchen. I
wish he would gi"e me a cuddle. I dont know what I ha"e
done wrong. I !lay 'uietly u!stairs alone in my room careful
not to make a sound in case I annoy mammy again. I think my
rother and sister are in their room !laying. I feel left out and
not !art of whats ha!!ening around me. )ater, I come down
to the kitchen for tea an*ious to see mammys face. She looks
serious ut not angry. I take a dee! reath and tentati"ely sit
down without so much as a whis!er. I am afraid to reathe in
case I make e"erything worse all o"er again. The terrile stuff
has !assed for now. That e"ening we all kneel down as a
family amongst the days smouldering ashes and !ray. We say
the rosary, !retending the ad things are not that ad.
-Hth Apri# .5? ( wait in reception to see the consu#tant" A
nurse 2uick#y shows &e into the specia# waiting area" My
na&e is ca##ed out and ( a& shown in to &eet the officia#
#ooking 6enera# Consu#tant" After e9a&ining &e, he #ooks at
the &a&&ogra& resu#ts on an i##u&inated screen, e9p#aining
that there are so&e ca#cified ce##s" ( ask what this &eans" @is
rep#y changes &y wor#d fore$er? :This is a sign of Cancer;"
This is the first ti&e that ( ha$e heard the word Cancer" (t had
not e$en entered &y head before this appoint&ent and without
any ti&e to take this on board, the consu#tant sits down behind
his desk and i&&ediate#y continues? :Iou wi## need a biopsy, (
wi## put your na&e down" The ear#iest date we ha$e a$ai#ab#e
isJ; ( cannot speak or catch &y breath" ( ha$e no ti&e to think
or fee#" ( fee# so s&a##, a## of a sudden, and $ery $u#nerab#e"
Don;t ( ha$e a say in what happens to &eK 4$entua##y (
&anage to b#urt out fro& the depth of &y shaken body? :there
is a huge difference between &y :needing; a biopsy and &y
:deciding if ( a& going to ha$e one;" (&&ediate#y the nurse,
who has re&ained si#ent up to this point, co&es to &y side and
tries to e&pathise? :you are in shock dear;" ( fee# confused and
terrified" ( don;t know this person" ( try to e9p#ain that ( a&
terrified of need#es" )efore ( can continue, this $ery
professiona# #ooking anony&ous nurse abrupt#y interrupts
saying that ( ha$e a need#e phobia, which she pro&pt#y adds to
&y notes" She 2uick#y shows &e to the door" ( fee# dis&issed
with o$erwhe#&ing news" ( a& in a da'e as ( wander through
reception" The >eceptionist te##s &e that ( ha$e to go back to
the c#inic, as ( do not ha$e the correct paperwork" Tears
si#ent#y drop fro& &y eyes" The >eceptionist gent#y &entions
that it doesn;t &atter and books &e in for &y biopsy" ( #ea$e
the hospita#, sit in &y car and cry and cry and cry"
3hy can the consu#tant not e&pathiseK (s he not hu&an
a#soK (t see&s to &e that the consu#tant gi$es the facts and the
nurse atte&pts to gi$e the e&otiona# supportG This doesn;t
work" (t is disCointed and too #ate" 3hate$er happened to
e9p#aining this procedure to &e gent#y, asking how ( fe#t about
it and if ( was happy about proceeding rather than assu&ing (
wi## agreeK This wou#d ha$e &ade a## the difference"
The glare of the naked light ul !enetrates my soing
eyes, ne"er lea"ing me alone. Through the small murky,
arred window ao"e, I can see legs of many !eo!le walking
!ast on the !a"ement ao"e, com!letely unaware of my
isolated e*istence elow. I wish daddy would come and take
me away from here. $inutes !ass !ainfully slowly, lending
into long, scary hours de!ri"ed of light and lo"e. What is
wrong with me+ I dont want to e alone. The fighting u!stairs
is re!laced with sounds of hungry mice down here. I ne"er try
to lea"e ecause I know daddy will come for me when it is
'uiet u!stairs. (s I sit here alone, free%ing and frightened,
under the !iercing, ald light ul, the raging war u!stairs
ears down on my small shoulders, dee!ening my guilt for the
!rolems I ha"e caused.
-7th Apri# .5? @o#ding this unbearab#e news inside &e (
rush back fro& a work &eeting to pick up &y son fro& schoo#
&y &ind in tur&oi#" A speed ca&era f#ashes b#inding &e for a
&o&ent capturing &e dri$ing at L5 &i#es per hour" 8h &y
god, this wi## bring &y tota# points up to -" ( can;t #ose &y
dri$ing #icence" @ow wi## ( get &y son to and fro& schoo#, get
&yse#f to radiotherapy e$entua##y in 89ford, attend work
&eetings around )uckingha&shire and )erkshire" 4$erything
is happening too 2uick#y for &e" @a$ing &ade so&e ca##s to
&y so#icitor, ( rea#ise 2uick#y that to stand any chance of
ho#ding on to &y #icence, ( sha## need to present &y case
&yse#f in court in 89ford" My wor#d is shaking and ( a&
strugg#ing to ho#d on"
Lrd May .5? 3hat a& ( going to doK ( a& terrified of
need#es" ( cannot face this biopsy under a #oca# anaesthetic" (
fee# so a#one" ( te#ephone the hospita# and ask to speak to the
)reast Cancer Consu#tant hi&se#f" Surprising#y he returns &y
ca##" ( a& on &y way to work" @earing &y &obi#e ring, ( pu##
o$er 2uick#y and stop in a #ay=by" ( e9press &y deep=rooted
fear in abso#ute detai#, hoping he wi## understand? :Doctor (
was abused as a chi#d and since then ( ha$e had a horror of
need#es" They re&ind &e of &y father;s abuse;" The #ine goes
si#ent for a few &o&ents but then he agrees to arrange sedation
for &e for this procedure" ( rea##y appreciate this" ( think ( can
face this procedure, knowing that ( sha## not be aware of what
is happening" ( Cust cannot bear knowing what is happening to
&e"
A week #ater, ( ask &y strongest friend 6era#dine if she
can co&e with &e to the hospita# for this frightening
procedure" She agrees and ( fee# re#ie$ed knowing she is there
for &e" 6era#dine is a wonderfu# #ady in her se$enties and
coping with #ung Cancer, a#though you wou#d ne$er know" She
ne$er speaks of her i##ness" She has re&arkab#e eyes that e9ude
peace and #o$e to e$eryone" ( &et 6era#dine origina##y se$en
years ear#ier when ( attended an adu#t education course in
Meditation" This was &y first foray out into the wor#d with &y
then two=year=o#d son Josh, the crMche faci#ities at this co##ege
&aking it possib#e"
1th May .5? ( wake up this &orning after a $ery rest#ess
night;s s#eep, fee#ing Cu&py inside" ( don;t know what is ahead
of &e today and that scares &e to death" A## ( a& sure of is that
6era#dine wi## be with &e and ( wi## be out for the count
during this procedure" ( don;t &ind pain when ( wake up as
#ong as ( a& not aware of it during the procedure" Sudden#y the
doorbe## rings and ( Cu&p out of &y skin" As ( open the door,
6era#dine;s war& s&i#e and #o$ing eyes he#p &e breathe a
#itt#e easier" Thirty &inutes #ater, we are wa#king s#ow#y a#ong
the #ong hospita# corridor, the f#uorescent #ights abo$e bearing
down hea$i#y" My breathing beco&es sha##ow and erratic,
an9iety sucking $ita# air fro& &y co&pressed #ungs" >eaching
the &eagre#y furnished waiting roo&, ( tentati$e#y sit down
bare#y touching the seat" :Jacinta McShane p#ease; perforates
&y eardru&s" )efore ( know it, ( a& standing rooted to the
spot, fro'en in terror"
Suddenly, all the air lea"es my ody, I cant reathe, my
ody stiffens as if in s!asm. Daddys dinner is sliding !ainfully
down the stained kitchen wall. I run away to hide ehind the
ig armchair in the corner !ushing my ears into my head until
my hands turn white, trying so hard to lock out the awful
noise. ,oor daddy, he ne"er gets his dinner. The arguing goes
on and on. I cannot see Deirdre or -erard. $ammy looks
fierce like she is going to urst, her a%ookas la%ing. Daddy
isnt saying anything. &e ne"er says anything. .ut why+ /o
matter how I try, this terrile sound !ierces my whole ody. I
come out screaming and crying from ehind the chair0 Sto!,
Sto!, Sto!, Sto!1 $y heart lows u! inside me. $ammy
orders daddy0 Take that child down to the cellar out of my
loody sight It is all my fault. It is always all my fault. /o
matter what I do, it is still always my fault. Why1 Why1 Why
does Daddy do what mammy tells him to do when it hurts me+
6era#dine offers to co&e in with &e" ( beg her not to #ea$e
&e for a second no &atter what anyone says" She pro&ises to
stay with &e throughout the co&p#ete procedure &uch to the
irritation of the &edica# staff concerned" As ( co&e around, &y
friend 6era#dine is there beside &e sti## and constant in her
support"
-Hth May .5? Today ( a& off to see the 6enera# Consu#tant
who& ( saw origina##y" A nurse shows us into a p#ain, c#inica#
#ooking roo&, asking &e if ( had co&e for a biopsy" She has
forgotten who ( a&, which on#y e9acerbates &y growing
an9iety" She 2uiet#y disappears into the adCoining office" ( can
hear a &an;s $oice, presu&ab#y the consu#tant, speaking to
so&eone on the phone" Meanwhi#e &y friend Martin is ta#king
to &e about so&ething co&p#ete#y unre#ated but ( a& on#y
ha#f=#istening, as ( a& curious to know what is going on ne9t
door" Then ( hear a &an;s $oice asking :3here are her
resu#tsK; @is ne9t words catapu#t &e into the far office wa##"
:8h ( see, so then a fu## &astecto&y wou#d be bestK; My friend
Martin ho#ds &e as ( fa## to pieces inside" A terrifying
b#ackness de$ours &e" 6asping for air, ( hear the door open
and the nurse;s words? :8h dear, she is not taking it too we##G;
8ut of &y terror, ( want to punch this nurse but a& unab#e to
&o$e" @er insensiti$ity on#y &akes &y diagnosis so &uch
harder to bear"
8nce ( catch &y breath, the consu#tant c#inica##y e9p#ains
the situation and wants to put &e down for a &astecto&y, the
re&o$a# of &y right breast" ( cannot &ake a decision of this
&agnitude here and now" ( i&&ediate#y ask to see the )reast
Cancer Consu#tant for another opinion and dec#ine surgery at
this ti&e" ( appreciate that these doctors and nurses see
hundreds of patients each day with si&i#ar prob#e&s, but ( a&
not :hundreds;, ( a& :&e; < a sing#e &u& facing a potentia##y
#ife=threatening i##ness with &y own concerns and
e9pectations" ( want to be treated as a person ,not a nu&ber/,
with sensiti$ity and respect" This e9perience starts &y #ong
Courney to gaining :persona#; treat&ent within the %ationa#
@ea#th Ser$ice < e$eryone;s right as out#ined in the %ationa#
@ea#th Ser$ice P#an and &ore specifica##y within the Patient
Ad$ice and *iaison Ser$ice initiati$e" As we #ea$e this co#d=
hearted p#ace, ( cannot stop crying" ( sob into the ha##way wa##,
at which point one of the )reast Care %urses guides us both to
a #itt#e roo& upstairs" ( was to $isit this :conso#ing; roo& &any
ti&es o$er the ne9t few &onths"
-8th May .5? ( do not hesitate in contacting Patient Ad$ice
and *iaison Ser$ice at the hospita# after &y dreadfu#
e9perience" ( a#ready knew %ick < the Patient Ad$ice and
*iaison Ser$ice &anager, fro& &y training days" ( te#ephone
hi& and e9p#ain &y situation, asking hi& to inter$ene for &e" (
want the )reast Cancer Consu#tant to be &ade fu##y aware of
what ( ha$e e9perienced" ( need to be reassured that this wi##
not happen again" A#so ( do not want to ha$e to hand#e this a##
&yse#f, in addition to trying to cope with &y diagnosis" %ick
see&s to understand the he#p that ( need without being
patronising in any way" At #east, a## &y training work has
he#ped &e know how to access Patient Ad$ice and *iaison
Ser$ice" %ow ( can see it actua##y working for &e"
Its Sunday afternoon and daddy takes us all for a walk
along the 'uay y )ough 2oyle, #ust ten minutes walk from our
home in Shi!'uay. I lo"e this time with Daddy. $ammy is not
here to take him away from us. Daddy is 'uiet ut a little more
chatty than when he is with mammy. &e knows aout a lot of
things and I lo"e hearing him talk aout all sorts. &e shows us
the ig, commercial shi!s moored along the 'uay, one is a
dredger and another is a coal shi!. I hate going ack home
and dont want our times together to end. I want more time
with Daddy. I always want more of Daddys time. $y whole
ody tenses as we a!!roach our home, shrouded in darkness.
L.th May .5? This ti&e, ( a& not taking any chances" (
need support so ( a& bringing Annie and &y friend 6era#dine
with &e to &y ne9t appoint&ent with the )reast Cancer
Consu#tant" @e co&es in and introduces hi&se#f to &e, 2uiet#y
te##ing &e that he knows &y situation ,so ( know the Patient
Ad$ice and *iaison Ser$ice has inter$ened"/" 4$eryone takes
up their positions" The consu#tant sits on one side of his desk, (
sit on the other, Annie positions herse#f at the corner of the
desk, and &y friend 6era#dine sits a#ongside &e" Then the
)reast Care %urse co&es in and stands behind &y friend
6era#dine and (" 8n top of this, :that nurse; co&es in fro&
ti&e to ti&e, ho$ering around us" My goodness, ( cannot he#p
wonder if this is a## for &y good, in case ( get :e&otiona#;
again" A#ternati$e#y, is this inter$ention in case ( in$o#$e
PA*S againG
The usual ominous signs a!!ear. (s mammys face
intensifies, a dark foreoding cloud descends. $ammys dark
e*!ression and argumentati"e eha"iour etrays the alcoholic
secret in her teacu!. Slowly ut surely whisky is transforming
my mother into a monster ca!ale of !hysical "iolence and
foul language laced with accusations, threats and insults. We
fall into our res!ecti"e defence !ositions, my father taking her
ause and trying in "ain to !acify her, my rother lea"ing the
house, my little sister disa!!earing into a corner and myself
!re!aring to look out for daddy and !ick u! the !ieces after
mammy has finished with him. The more mammy drinks the
more she seems to hate us all. I dont understand. I want to
understand. (s I strain to listen at the ottom of the stairs, I
can faintly hear frantic ramlings emanating from her
edroom, all asored y daddy who, sitting y her edside,
listens resignedly for hours on end, his hands turning lue
with the chilling atmos!here. &e finally rea!!ears, life
drained from his face, worn down y her endless attering.
Whats wrong with mammy+ I ask, earnestly looking for
some elie"ale e*!lanation. Your mum is #ust !oorly. Its her
time of the month. $y heart sinks again. &ow I wish daddy
would tell me the truth. I know this is all wrong. Why wont he
#ust tell me the truth+ Would you like some tea, Daddy+
L.th May .5? *ying on the bed in the s&a## roo& ne9t to
the Consu#tant;s office, he fee#s &y #u&py breast and suggests
that he aspirates another cyst with a need#e to check if it;s
cancerous" ( sit up with a start, gasping for air, and screa&?
:%o %o, %o;" ( a& terrified of need#es" The consu#tant 2uick#y
disappears into the ne9t roo& and the nurse he#ps &e reco$er" (
Coin &y friends ne9t door and the consu#tant e9p#ains that it
&ay not be necessary to re&o$e &y who#e breast" @e suggests
( ha$e a #u&pecto&y with first stage #y&ph node re&o$a#"
Dnfortunate#y for &e, the procedure ca##ed :Sentine# %ode
)iopsy; is not in operation at this stage" ,A procedure, as (
understand it, whereby they inCect a dye into the #y&ph nodes,
high#ighting those nodes, if any, through which the Cancer
&ay be tra$e##ing/" @ence first stage re&o$a#, as ( understand
it, &eans ha$ing appro9i&ate#y nine or so nodes nearest the
#u&p re&o$ed, which shou#d not weaken &y ar& too &uch"
@e then repeats that he can now do a s&a## need#e aspiration to
ascertain if another #itt#e cyst is cancerous" ( fee# panicky yet
again" @is unfortunate choice of words on#y increases &y
an9iety? :Don;t worry, we wi## Cust :pop; a need#e in and take
so&e f#uid; There it is again? :pop a need#e in; 8h &y 6odG
::(t &ay be a :pop; to you but it;s trau&a for &e; ( &anage to
rep#y" Perhaps this is his awkward atte&pt at #ightening the
who#e procedure" (nstead this consu#tant;s f#ippancy on#y
heightens &y an9iety" (t is so i&portant to &e that whoe$er is
treating &e understands and respects &y fear" ( dec#ine the
offer of a need#e aspiration, out of sheer terror" ( &anage to
agree to ha$e a #u&pecto&y and #y&ph node re&o$a#" This
who#e &eeting stuns &e and shakes &e to the core" ( ha$e so
&any &ore 2uestions"
$y little ears, glued to my sister and rothers u!stairs
edroom door are hearing something they shouldnt 3 oing,
oing, oing sounds mingled with mammys and 4ncle 5acks
giggling. (ll of a sudden the huge wooden edroom door
s!rings o!en and 4ncle 5ack glares down at me with a strange
look in his eyes. I know a secret and cant hel! giggling. 4ncle
5acks eyes darken. $y fun 'uickly turns to fear. I dash into
my edroom o!!osite and climing into my ed, I ury myself
under the sheets wishing I would disa!!ear. Curled u! in the
smallest all imaginale and scarcely reathing, I lie still, my
tiny hands holding my eyelids tightly shut. In seconds, my
!rotecti"e sheets are stri!!ed away lea"ing me cruelly e*!osed
to 4ncle 5acks snorting and thundering rant0 I dont know
what you think you know, Cinty, ut dont you dare reathe a
word to anyone or I will make sure that you !ay. &is nostrils
igger, his reathing hea"ier, his massi"e ody de"ours me 3
total lackness.
Lst May .5? ( ha$e ne$er had an operation in &y #ife and
here ( a& about to go in for serious surgery with uncertain
conse2uences" ( cannot see any #ight at a## at the end of this
tunne#" My who#e wor#d is changing and how a& ( going to
e9p#ain a## this to &y poor #itt#e boy" ( a& his who#e wor#d"
3hat assurances can ( gi$e hi&K ( do not know how ( a&
going to get through this" A## ( can see is deathG ( do not
be#ie$e that ( a& going to sur$i$e surgery, ne$er &ind Cancer"
( fee# #ost and so a#one, e$en though there are good friends
around &e"
Sitting in our old kitchen 6where we do e"erything7,
mammy is getting the tea ready. Daddy comes u! from his
office. I am so e*cited to see him. &e looks tired. &e always
looks tired. We sit down at the tale and start chatting, all at
the same time. I cant tell what is on our !lates e*ce!t that it
looks urnt. $ammy is not a great cook. Daddy says
something and suddenly all hell reaks loose again. I am sad
not knowing what will ha!!en ne*t nor whom to turn to for
hel!. I ha"e to go down to the cold cellar again. Why me, only
me+ Why cant my rother or sister come with me+ Struggling
to kee! u! with Daddy, I #um! from one ste! to the other as we
slowly go downstairs. Daddy o!ens the door re"ealing stee!,
stone ste!s stretching into the darkness elow. I dont want to
go down here Daddy, I am frightened and cold.. Daddy looks
sad. (t the ottom of the stone ste!s, to the right in one
corner there is a large !ile of coke. To the left, a !ile of coal
clims u! the clammy, dark wall. /e*t to this, a !ile of dam!
slack. (head of me, the cellar o!ens out into a large stone8
walled room with a huge mound of coal against the wall, a
glaring, naked light ul ao"e and to the left a long
rectangular sha!ed window with ars. This is where the
fighting sto!s for now. I know that there are rats and mice
down here sometimes. Daddy often !uts out some tra!s with
its of stale cheese, returning later to find the rats and mice
dead, their loody heads caught under the tra! wire. I try to
slee! now and again forcing this nightmare from my mind ut
the are light ul o"erhead is always on, staring down at me,
ne"er lea"ing me alone.
st June .5? +or those first dreadfu# forty=eight hours after
diagnosis, Josh and ( stay with friends, both of who& happen
to be counse##ors" They #ook after us, Josh ha$ing friends to
p#ay with whi#st ( break into pieces, c#inging to &y friends at
ti&es for #o$e and #ife itse#f" ( fee# #ost and a#one, unsure of
what is happening to &e and what is happening inside &e"
There is a broken chi#d inside &y dis=eased adu#t body, shaken
and unsure of who& to trust, be#ie$ing she is going to die"
@ow can ( he#p herK
A coup#e of days #ater, ( ha$e a day off work, so ( suppose
( ought to do so&e food shopping as the fridge is #ooking sad#y
bare" ( find &yse#f wandering around town" 3hat was &y
nor&a# #ife now fee#s surrea#" (nstead &y i&pending surgery,
treat&ent and death fee# rea#" ( wa#k into Tesco and e&erge
#ater with a few bags of food but ( don;t know how ( &anaged
that as ( cannot reca## anything" ( don;t want to go back ho&e"
( do not want to face an e&pty house" So&ehow ( ha$e to find
so&e peace so that ( can be there for &y dar#ing Josh when he
co&es ho&e fro& schoo#" 4$eryone around &e see&s to be
getting on with their #i$es, yet &ine has sudden#y co&e to a
grinding ha#t"
-erard, Deirdre and I are !laying on the street outside
our house. I always feel se!arate from them, not really !art of
their fun. They seem to ha"e each other and I dont fit in. 9ur
ig front door o!ens and I see Daddy. (s I run o"er to him,
mammy a!!ears at the door too and sto!s me talking to him. I
am disa!!ointed. I stand eside their legs !atiently waiting for
my turn. $ammy looks "ery serious with her two mounted
a%ookas locking my "iew. They are arguing. I am ho!ing
Daddy will gi"e me a cuddle in a minute ut $ammy wont let
this ha!!en and I dont know why. I feel that I dont matter.
They do not really see me.
Lrd June .5? 3here can ( go to for he#pK Then, without
being conscious#y aware of what ( a& doing, ( start wa#king
towards &y #oca# church < St" Mary;s C of 4 in Ay#esbury" (
know Canon Ti& @iggins through &y work with the ho&e#ess"
( wander in and ask so&eone working there if ( can speak to
Ti&" Ti& kind#y co&es o$er to see &e fro& his ho&e" ( a& in
bits, co&p#ete#y panicking, without anything to ho#d on to" (
ask hi& to he#p &e but ( do not know how he can" ( a& so
worried about Josh" 3hat wi## happen to &y boyK 3ho wi##
#ook after hi&K Ti& is so steady" @e #istens to &e and see&s to
understand, a#though ( don;t know how" ( hard#y &ake any
sense" ( fee# as if ( a& at sea, unab#e to swi& and there is no
rescue in sight" ( Cust need so&eone ( can trust" This is &y way
to 6od a#though ( do not rea#ise it" Ti& assures &e that he wi##
co&e in to see &e in hospita# before and after the operation" (
hear the word :after; not rea##y be#ie$ing ( wi## be here, but it
he#ps in a strange way" Ti& pro&ises to ho#d a specia# ser$ice
for &e in their #itt#e church" ( a& g#ad of a## the he#p ( can get"
This #o$e#y &an beco&es so#id for Josh and ( through our
turbu#ent Courney and St" Mary;s Church beco&es a second
ho&e

"
Sunday morning and our attered little family are all
getting ready for our weekly !ulic dis!lay of family unity at

See appendi9 A at back of this book for &ore infor&ation" St" Mary;s
Church in Ay#esbury pro$ide a $a#uab#e :space; progra&&e to he#p
others in distress"
midday mass at our Cathedral in Derry. (s far as I can tell,
-od has "ery little to do with all this. 2or mammy, this is a
chance to dress u! in all her finery and show us off to her
friends at church. 2or daddy, this is a more somre affair. 2or
me, I am on my est eha"iour, a road grin !lastered
religiously across my face, successfully hiding my uncertainty
and insecurity. This is mammys show and we all fall in line,
trailing in her wake. 2irst mammy, her a%ookas standing
!roud, then daddy followed y myself, my rother and sister
file into this im!osing edifice, slowly making our way to our
haitual !ew, fi"e rows from the altar at the front and on the
right side of the aisle. Daddy kneels and !rays, mammy looks
around to see who she knows and what they are wearing and I
mouth the confusing, )atin words and follow what daddy does.
Surrounded y the huge, coloured leaden windows, the fro%en
stares of the cold, marle statues !eer down at me. The
sacrificial starkness of the ornate altar decked in white,
earing two tall, rigid candles eckons me. (mongst all these
!eo!le, I feel smaller and more lost than e"er.