Ash Shaheed

The Witness
Based on a true story The story of my life

By: Umar Al Mujahid Abdur-Rasheed Formerly Anthony Navarro

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-Zzzzz

Zzzzz Zzzzz

-Anthony! -Huh? Zzzzzzz -Yo, Ant! -Wha? Zzzzzzz -Yo Ant come on man!.......... Anthony! -Yooo damn kid.. what time is it? -Late enough kid, cmon! -Aight aight, gimme a minute.

Stories. stories. Everyone and they mother got a story to tell. I aint no different, just another story teller tryna fill you in. Only difference is, this is the story of my life. my life up until the point where this pen touches this pad. How it started and where its at today. All truth, no fiction. I aint into that fake stuff. What you read is what I lived, whether you believe it or not, whether you hate it or love it. So remember. If youre offended by any of this, that was not my intention..Im just telling my story the way it happened..

-You see him? -Yeah, he right there. -He alone?

-I think so. -You got that? -Yeah, it aint loaded though. -What?! Why not?! -Nigga, you was rushing me and I grabbed the wrong bullets! -Damn son, never mind. You better hope he aint strapped! -Dont worry kid, I got this. You ready? -Yeah. -Masks on? Aight, lets do this! (Both) - Yo son get down! Get down and shut up! Where the money at?! Where the money?! Take it off son! Take it all off, dont be a hero! Dont be stupid and lose ya life over paper kid!.....

It was the summer of 95 in South Queens and man was it hot. I was 12 years old and me and A Mar was at it again. It seemed every time a new pair of sneakers or something came out and we didnt have the funds to go get it, another somebody got stuck up. When you come from here, the more you got the more pull you had and man we was yanking it from everyone! Our parents couldnt afford it, so to take some slack off of them.. we did it ourselves.

Mine wasnt a broken home like in all the movies. We was cool. It was me, my little brother Tommy boy, my mother and step father who I looked at as my real pops. He
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stepped in when the nigga who gave me my last name. and my mom black eyes stepped off and for that.. he gets all the respect in the world. We had dreams and goals of bettering ourselves the working class way and doing the right thing, but that wasnt coming fast enough for young me. I was impatient and had to have it and have it now.

Now, A Mar was like my big brother. We started off on the same Baseball team and ended up running the streets together. He basically taught me the ropes and on how not to get killed while doing your dirt. Youll see the irony in this later on. He was a hard core Latin King and couldnt keep himself out of trouble long enough to play a full season. Me on the other hand, sports were my way out the projects and I practiced and played every day. In between weed breaks here and there. The weed smoke didnt slow me down a bit; I guess I was just naturally gifted like that.

-Phfff phfff -Damn nigga, dont smoke it all. -Man shut up, I got you. -You keep smoking so much you aint gon make that team you sweatin. -Oh you mean the city all-star team? Ha haa, Yo, check this out. -Ooooooh sweat! Yeah my nigga, I knew youd get it! Damn, they got your picture in the paper and everything! I bet you on yourself now huh? Dont think Ima be sweatin you for no autographs. -Ha haa, Yeah, they called me three days ago. I leave to go to Florida for training camp next spring.. March or something.

-Damn son, you know I heard them Florida shorties is bad. -Yeah well, we gon find out. -Nah nigga YOU gon find out. Yeah!!! My homie Ant doing big things and gon be the first nigga out the hood since Nas!!!

I was in so I thought. It turns out that they dont like convicted felons on their team and neglected to do a background check until after the paper had come out. I messed this up big time. Everyone was so proud of me and I felt like I had let them down. Especially my moms. Aggravated, frustrated and just straight up pissed off I hit the streets with a vengeance. Fights were a daily occurrence; phone calls from the police station were a weekly thing in my house. I felt like the world wasnt gonna give me a chance because of a few mistakes. How else did they expect me to better myself? I mean, I was still only 13 or so and I felt like they were gonna rob me of my future. So I lashed out. My poor mother thought she was doing something wrong with me. not realizing that this was the worlds fault and not hers.

-Where did I go wrong with you?! -Who says theres anything wrong, I just got into a fight. -Anthony just a fight?! Yeah, just a fight today! What about breaking and entering, robbery, possession of a weapon, assault, not to mention cutting out on school whenever you feel like it! Dont you realize all this goes on your permanent record? -They can record it all they want, I dont care. I aint gonna sit back while some fool disrespects me, plus Im gon play pro ball someday anyway and the only records they gonna keep is how many homeruns I hit.

-Thats the problem, you dont care! When are you gonna start caring?! When you get cut from every team cuz youre in prison and cant play? Then what are you gonna do, huh?! End up like your father, an alcoholic and drug addict?!... Where do you think youre going?! -Out! -The streets arent gonna solve your problems! -Well, they better than being in here right now.

Yeah, obeying authority was one of my biggest problems. I just couldnt do it even if my life depended on it, especially when I feel like they not being fair with me. So anyway, my mother came up with a solution.Catholic school. As if a bunch of priests and nuns were supposed to get me to see the light, and save me from myself. It was a joke to me and my boys never let me hear the end of it, especially the part about me having to wear a corny lil prep uniform. Yeah, go on and laugh and then get slapped like they all did!

The school was whack! Saint Mary Gate of Heaven it was called. Besides the uniforms, priests and nuns, the students were majority white, rich and spoiled. Here I am Puerto Rican, poor and not tolerant.. AT ALL. And Im in the mix of all this! The guys were terrified of me and the girls thought I was something new, sexy and exciting.. I might like it here after all, I thought to myself. Every day we had Bible class and religion. There was a church on the school grounds so they spent a lot of time there. Me on the other hand, I spent most of the time either in detention or the principals office.

Now hold up, I know what youre thinking.. he just cant stay out of trouble, but youre wrong. I actually tried to do the right thing here. These kids werent street or a threat to me and they didnt need to get robbed because they gave me whatever I wanted anyway.. in return for friendship that is. I had it made, but this time I was getting in trouble for not understanding. I mean, I believed in God, but I also believed in making sense. If its facts and truth, its gotta make sense right?! Yeah, thats what I thought too..

-If the Old Testament says God is one, how come in the New Testament they saying God has a son and we need to praise him? Since when does He reproduce. And with who?!?! -Because Jesus is His son and the light. God doesnt need anyone to have a child, He can just do it. -But how do we know this? How come no Prophet ever came down and said God has a son, keep an eye out for him? And how come were supposed to pray to Jesus and not God Himself? -Because Jesus is the way and God also. -Wait, What?!?!?! Hes God too? How many gods we got? -Only one. -But you just said.. -Anthony, you must have faith in the divine words of the Bible because theyre from God and they are absolute truth! -So.. I just gotta believe, even though this makes zero sense to me?

-It doesnt make sense because youre being skeptical and not just opening your heart to the Lord. -But you just said Jesus is the son AND God at the same time! So what makes him the son and what makes him God? -Hes the son because he was born from the virgin mother Mary and hes God because he is one part of the Trinity. Remember the Trinity is one God but in three different forms. -Umm ok. Im glad that makes sense to you?!?!? But if hes the son of God because of not being born to a mother AND father, then what about Adam and Eve? They both didnt have a father OR a mother for that matter? Shouldnt they hold higher rank than Jesus? -No, because God says in John 3:16 that God loved the world so much that He gave to us His ONLY begotten son. -Still dont make no sense, but whatever. Explain the Trinity for me. -One God, three different forms. Its simple. -To be honest, Christianity sounds more like a brainwashed cult than the followers of a perfect religion. -What?! How dare you say that!!! Go to Mr. Scanells office NOW!!!

God was perfect in my eyes and anything that He does or did was gonna be the same. Perfect. This was a reasonable assumption I thought, but it turns out that thinking logically was a crime in Christianity. God had created Heaven and Hell, but then His son comes down and dies for everyones sins. If that was the case, then why were we all wasting our time here on this earth and not committing worldwide suicide on our way to the biggest party the universe has ever seen? Got in trouble for
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that one too. But I was so used to getting in trouble here, I was almost part of the principals daily schedule. It wasnt just my teachers, I had even managed to piss off the holy men of the church. I was kinda proud of that one to be honest. That was like an achievement or something.

-So my son, when was your last confession? -Last? I never had a first one. -You never confessed your sins?! -I never snitched on kats I hated, now Im supposed to rat on myself?! -Its not a matter of ratting on yourself Anthony, you tell me your sins and I ask God to forgive you. -Im cool man; I dont even know you like that. -Im giving you an opportunity to wipe away your sins and start off clean. -How do you know I sinned at all? Maybe Im a perfect lil angel. besides I thought Jesus did that for me already. See, you dont even believe that garbage story. -He sacrificed himself for us and you call this a garbage story? -Im just saying.. Yesterday I read in the Bible.. In Bible class, that no man shall be responsible for another mans actions. But now Jesus did it and Im supposed to believe that?! Im sorry but, everyone here tells me that the Bible is straight from God and is His commandments to mankind and what youre telling me is CLEARY opposite of what I read yesterday. Im not buying it. -Listen, you little bastard, Jesus died for our sins and thats that, but if you dont want to repent and end up burning in Hell then be my guest!

-Oh were cursing now? Why you mad? Why you mad pops? Was it something I said to you? Or maybe its cuz a kid got you stumbling over your own beliefs?! I aint falling for that Ill pass on the message, dont worry Jesus got you nonsense. -Go to Mr. Scanells office NOW!!!

You see a trend starting here? I rejected the church at 14. How could I trust a bunch of people, who I felt had zero knowledge and with zero answers to help me pass this great test of life? Even at 14 I was too smart to be hustled into believing that Jesus is God story. It just didnt add up to me. Either way, I was a rebel without a cause and these so called believers and scholars didnt help none. A young kid like me looking for answers wasnt really expecting to hear the word faith at every corner. After all, what kind of an answer is just have faith .to the kinda questions I was asking? To me that meant, I dont know, so shut up and just accept it already! And on the streets answers are always demanded, like who killed A Mar?...

Me and A had just got off the L train coming from Brooklyn. It was about 11 or 12 at night and niggas was tired and tryna get something to eat before calling it a night. But where we was at, Liberty Ave, was dead at this time.

-Yo son, you see them new Fila sneakers with the straps? I gots to get me a pair of those. -Nah son, them new low cut Nikes that Bob Sneaker Corner got is fire! -What ever kid, you stay on them Nikes. -You know it.

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-One day we gonna get up outa here and have it all my nigga. -No doubt. -And the world gon be our projects! Just make sure you stop getting locked up, cuz Im riding your Baseball ticket with you, haa haaaa. -Haaa, gold diggin ass nigga. Yeah, where ever we at is the hood. - (both laughing)

As we turned the corner to 104th street, someone was coming the opposite way. He had on a bubble jacket and a hoodie with the hood madd low so I couldnt see his face. He bumped in to A Mar and three shots rang off. Before I could realize what had just happened, A Mar fell into my arms with his sweater soaking in blood. I looked back and homeboy had run up the stairs to the train and hopped the gate. He was on the train and out!!! A Mars eyes were rolling into the back of his head. He was trying to talk but couldnt. I didnt know what to do, I mean I seen people get shot before, but really.. I didnt care what happened to them. This was A Mar though, I couldnt lose him.

-Yo A, hold on baby. We gon get help. -Yo son.. -Dont talk, just chill out. SOMEBODY CALL AN AMBULANCE!!!!!! -Ant..I.. -Dont worry kid, you gon bounce back from this, for real! SOMEBODY HELP!!!!

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- (choking and coughing up blood) -A hold on baby, hold on, dont you die on me nigga, A MAR!!!

The streets were dead and who had cell phones back then? Not me! Some people had rushed over, but only after they realized that it wasnt a shootout. A Mar died in my arms before the ambulance had arrived. He had been shot three times in the chest and died from internal bleeding. He was 16 years old. I never found out who killed him.. I guess it was better that way.. cuz only God knows what I wouldve done. I was 15 and on a mission of self destruction. It was hard for me to care about much those days. A Mar wasnt like my brother, he WAS my brother! Just because a nigga aint your blood dont mean he cant be your fam. The worst part was that he was taken from me before I could even tell him I loved him like that. We both knew it, but the streets have a way of forcing you to hold back emotions, especially good ones. especially love.

With A Mar gone, I felt like.....I dont even know what I felt like, I was numb. I had forgotten how to smile and had no tears left to shed. I had other homeboys, but none of them was A. I would spend hours just staring in the sky wondering where he was? What does he see right now? How does it feel to be on the other side? It killed me that I didnt know the answers to these questions, so I searched for them. I read up on every religion I could find a book on. All the different versions of Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Satanism (yeah, that too), and even religions I cant remember the names of. The thing was that. none of them was that perfect way of life that I knew God had created. I still had no answers because they each had their own flaws.

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You have to be born into Judaism and cant convert. I thought that was kinda unfair to the rest of us. There are over 170 different Bibles and like 83 different Christian denominations with new Bibles and churches popping up every year. If they cant agree on it then I aint tryna help them figure it out. Hinduism got way too many gods. I would have never been able to figure out whose turn it was to pray to that day. There were religions of the sea, where people believe in mermaids and mermen. Im sorry but MY Paradise aint under the sea. There were people who worshipped spirits and ghosts and stuff. And even people who worshipped stuff like cows, trees, stars and everything you could think of. My God was too good to be here in the creation. I was so confused I just gave up. I had NO religion and was perfectly fine with that. I figured Id just acknowledge that there was a God and hope for the best when I died as I continued on my journey in this life.

-Anthony, we decided that were moving. -What?... To where? -Weve been looking at a few places out in Long Island and we found one that we really like. -Long Island? Wait wait wait.. you want me to leave Queens and move out to Long Island? Youre crazy. -So this is where you wanna live out your life? This place that took the life of your best friend and other friends? This place where people wanna kill you for no reason? Trust me, I hear what goes on with you out there. My God Anthony, youre 16 and Im terrified of you being murdered or arrested every time you leave the house. Is this how you want me to live, in constant fear of something happening to you? Think about your future. Wouldnt you rather live in a place where you dont have to worry about whos behind you and where you can just focus on Baseball? Youre so talented; dont be like the rest of these fools who throw their life away for their
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friends, cuz trust me in a few years you wont care about each other. Friends come and go, listen to what Im telling you. Im your mother and I love you. -Yeahyea, I hear you ma.. Aight. Ima go with you guys.

That thrilled my mother and I was happy to finally do something to make her smile. My family moved out to the suburbs about three months later. I stayed an extra month or so just to throw people off. They saw my family leaving, but I was still around. I didnt tell nobody, cuz lets face it, niggas were not well wishers where I came from.. and I was liable to get shot or stabbed for being a chump and leaving the hood. It was like disrespectful to all them who couldnt leave; it was like we were all supposed to struggle together or something. New York was funny like that. What was even more funny was that the place that killed my brother and others, where my life was almost taken, where crooked cops on a power trip made life hell, where you develop a nervous twitch and demeanor like a damn crack head was the only place I knew. and with all the people in the world who are terrified to come to places like this I was probably the one person in the world afraid to leave it..

-So you really going, huh -Yeah man. You aint tell nobody did you? -Nah kid, why Ima set you up like that, you know we fam nigga. -Aight cool, good looking out. -But you know once you get it poppin out there, you gotta introduce me to them burb white girls, Aaaaagh. -Haaa, yall niggas stay lovin them Suzies. I aint mad at cha, white girls need lovin too now, heh heh heh
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-The boys gon miss you kid. -Ima miss yall, trust that. We gon stay up though, I aint going too far. -Yeah, you say that, but well see. -Yeah, youll see..

Fast forward five years.

Im back at it again. I guess the saying is true, you can take the nigga out the hood, but you cant take the hood out the nigga. I played ball up until College, but the schedule was too demanding and I didnt have time to make no money. Moms couldnt pay my bills or feed my appetite for material things. So that was the end of Baseball. It was ok, cuz I started playing my old favorite sport again. Drug dealing..Now, for some reason them suburb kids love drugs and maaaaan, I loved selling it to them. I ran with this Dominican kid Victor, who lived on my block. We used to do stick ups.. take the money. buy cocaine.. cook it into crack. sell that and anything else they wanted and everyone was happy. Give or take a few white boys, who would get robbed around the same time every month. We had a beautiful routine going and not one run in with the law. Business was good in Long Island, but I was getting tired of this life knowing where it eventually ends up and knowing what I had promised my mother five years back. I needed a reason and a way out and on a cold January night in 2004, I found it.

-Damn son, I cant believe we got that kid again. -These kats dont never learn Anyway, how much he have this time?

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-About $2,500 in cash. -Damn, I dont know how he stay in business when we rob his re-up money every month. -Thats that mommy daddy re-up money. -Word, heh he. Must be nice. -Hell yeah.Yo spark that L up dook. -No doubt. Here, son hit this. -Phffff phffff, (coughing). Damn man, I be thinking some deep stuff sometimes. As I get older I be more and more zoned out. Sometimes people be talking to me and its like It dont even faze me.. all I hear is my own thoughts. I think, I think too much. -I think you need to stop hitting that weed and pass it on. -For real though, did you ever think about if you could meet one person dead or alive, who would you wanna meet? -Yeah, thats easy the Prophet Muhammad. - Prophet who?!?! -The Prophet Muhammad. You never heard of THE Prophet before? -Probably, I told you I be spaced out now. -He was the final Prophet of Allah. -Aint Allah the Arab god. -Nah Allah IS God. Allah literally means The God. Like the one and only, no partners, sons, daughters, or pet dogs or nothing.

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-Word, I feel that. So when they say Allah, they just talking about God and not someone else? -Yeah. -Aight, that makes sense. So. so, why you wanna meet him so bad? -You gotta understand one thing He was the perfect example of how were supposed to be. -Damn. I bet he didnt sell dope or nothing. -Shhh, you aint playing. He would probably cut our hands off for robbing homeboy tonightand hed probably kill him for tryna go buy drugs to sell. -Damn he was gully like that? Wed be screwed if he saw us. -Its not him, this is from Allah. Allah sent down the Quran to the Prophet to teach to us. -Qurans a book? -Uhhh..Yes and no. Quran literally means, The recitation. Its like this long.. beautiful poem full of stories, commandments, warnings and promises. Everyone was told to memorize it so they recorded it into a book and thats what we got today. -You got one? Cuz dawg I been searching for something and have no clue what it is. Funny thing is.. I never thought about studying Islam. I just thought that was some Arab tradition and not a religion really. -Yeah I got one, but you should definitely get your own, cuz you gonna wanna read it all day every day. -Damn, its like that?!...Yo, just give me a quick run through of Islam real quick.

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-Islam is real simple. Believe in Allah alone.. no other gods or family gods an all that. Believe in ALL the Prophets Allah sent.. cuz they the best examples we got and they all came down with the same message. Obey God thats it. Believe in Paradise and Hell and that on the Day of Judgment you can end up in either one. Believe in the angels and the devils. Pray to Allah five times a day.. and not like the Christians where they just put their hands together and talk into thin air. Allah has a way that he wants us to worship Him, but first we have to clean ourselves. -What? For what? -You about to stand to worship your Lord, you need to be in your best form!!! You gonna go see a shorty all sweaty and stinking? Now thats just some skeezer, we talking about Allah here. -Yeah, you right but how WE gon be pure?..... we just robbed someone AND we smoking a blunt! -Its called wudhu and its a way of washing yourself that washes away sins and purifies you. -Damn. I could use that. -Do you believe in Allah? -Yeah. -Do you believe in all of His Prophets and Messengers? -Yeah -Do you believer in Paradise and Hell? -Nigga, what you getting at?! -Just answer me!!!

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-Yeah, No doubt. -Do you believe that one day youll have to stand in front of Allah and have to answer for ALL of your deeds, good and bad? -Yeah. -Do you believe in the Quran? -It sounds on point but I gotta read it first. Wait.how you know all this about Islam? -Cuz Im a Muslim. -Haaa. -Not a very good one, but I believe in Allah I believe that Muhammad was His final messenger and I believe that Islam is His way of life. -How is Islam the chosen way of life? -Because Islam is perfect. Dont go by me cuz Im a bad example of a Muslim. -Yeah, I figured. -If the entire world was Muslim and followed its teachings, there wouldnt be any poor people, or starving people, or murders, or drugs, or just any of the nonsense that we got going on. -Nah, you gots to explain this to me now. -Because EVERY Muslim has to pay charity if he has an income so all the poor people would be taken care of by the rich ones. There would be no sex before marriage because Islam teaches that sex out of marriage is a sin that you could go to Hell for. -Say word?!?!?! Damn.
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-The Quran is a guide book on how to live right in this life. If you do this..this will happen.. if you do that.. then that will happen. Allah made it real easy to understand, not like the Bible which was written by madd different people and is just a bunch of confusing stories that lead you nowhere. You want my advice?....... go a get a copy in English though. -Word, I need to.. Damn son, you a Muslim and aint even tell me? -Really I didnt wanna push you away from Islam because like I said. im a horrible example of a Muslim. -Man, you got me buggin right now im bout to call it a night, but before I dip off I got one more question. -Which is?.... -Jesus.. What does the Quran, say about Jesus?.... Is he God, the son of God or what.. cuz these Christians dont seem to know who he really is, so maybe Islam could tell me. -Jesus is the most debated man in the history of the world. Understand one thing. In the Bible Jesus never claimed to be God. Or the son of God. He said, blessed are the peace makers for they shall be called the children of God. So that right there lets you know that child of God was a term given to the believers of that time. People just turned around and flipped it because he was born without a father. But Allah is all powerful and could put a baby in a womans womb without a man. Its not a problem. I mean, He created Eve from a rib!!! -Thats what I used to say. -Well, in Islam.Jesus is just another great Prophet of Allah. Nothing more, nothing less. We believe in his miraculous birth. We believe in his miracles..We believe he is the Messiah who will return to us again, but we dont believe he died and resurrected.
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-What chu say happened then? -Allah took him up to the Heavens and hes there waiting until its time for him to do what he gotta do, you feel me?... -Yeah, but what about him being on the cross and all that? -Allah said that He made another man to look like Jesus and thats who they killed. -Aight yeah makes sense. -You good now? -Yeah man. Im good..good looking out for this. I needed this night. -Just doing my job as a Muslim. -Aight kid Im out, be easy. -Yeah son, holla at me.

I couldnt sleep that night I was thinking about everything that I just heard. It was too good to be true. This Islam sounded perfect. You see the thing was. that in all my years of searching for answers to lifes greatest question. I received no answers from anyone deemed to be.. knowledgeable in this field of God and religion. I was in awe of his simple answers to my difficult questions that nobody seemed to have. This none practicing believer in Islam answered every single one of the questions that had haunted me for years. I knew it wasnt him.. it was what he knew.. and what he knew. was Islam.

A day or two later, I went to a Muslim butcher shop because he sold Qurans there. Sure enough there it was.. this holy book that I had been fantasizing about, for the

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past 48 hours. Could this really be Gods words recorded on our worldly paper?...... I didnt know how to treat it I was afraid, seeing that the butcher himself wouldnt touch it because he said that he was impure. This only added to the magnitude of the moment. I took a bag and grabbed the Quran with the bag wrapped around my hand..I had it!!! I ran home like I had just robbed a bank or something. I did what Vic told me to and I went and washed up before even touching it. Each hand three times, mouth three times, nose three times, face three times, arms three times each, head and feet three times. I was pure enough to touch the words of God now, or at least I had hoped so.

I opened the cover with the gentlest touch I had ever given. The inside cover alone was beautiful and Heavenly. I knew I was about to get into something deep. I got to the words themselves and I was shocked to find the English and the original Arabic right alongside. I thought to myself, This must be their way of keeping it from being tampered with. The Arabic was like nothing I had ever seen before. I was stuck on it alone. and I had no clue what it said. I finally managed to look away and started with the English translation.

First chapter Al Fatihah (The Opening)

1. In the Name of Allah, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful. 2. All the praises and thanks be to Allah, the Lord of the all that exists. 3. The Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful. 4. The Only Owner (and the Only Ruling Judge) of the Day of Judgment.

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5. You (Alone) we worship, and You (Alone) we ask for help. 6. Guide us to the Straight Way. 7. The Way of those on whom You have bestowed Your Grace, not (the way) of those who earned Your Anger (such as the Jews), nor of those who went astray (such as the Christians).

Woooow, I thought to myself. This short little first chapter was deep!!! This is exactly what I used to think in my prayers back when I had no idea what to believe. I knew God controlled everything and that He was the only one worthy of worshipping. I also had a feeling that something was up with the Christians and Jews. They swore that they believed but something wasnt right. I didnt see them striving to imitate the Prophets they preached about.. but when you see practicing Muslims.. they look just like what youd imagine the Prophets to look like. Beards, long robes, turbans and having that inner peace that I needed so desperately in my life. Regardless, this was the perfect way to start a holy book off in my opinion.. because it touched on everything in such a short simple way and EVERYTHING MADE SENSE. I went on to the next chapter..

Al Baqarah (The Cow)

1. Alif-Lam-Mim. [These letters are one of the miracles of the Qur'an and none but Allah knows their meaning]. 2. This is the Book whereof there is no doubt.. a guidance to those who are Al-

Muttaqun [the pious and righteous persons who fear Allah much and obey His
commandments].

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3. Who believe in the Ghaib(unseen) and perform As-Salat (prayer), and spend out of what we have provided for them [i.e. give charity]. 4. And who believe in (the Qur'an) which has been sent down to you (Muhammad) and in [the original Taurat (Torah) and the original Injeel (Gospel), etc.] which were sent down before you and they believe with certainty in the Hereafter. 5. They are on (true) guidance from their Lord, and they are the successful. 6. Verily, those who disbelieve, it is the same to them whether you warn them or do not warn them, they will not believe. 7. Allah has set a seal on their hearts and on their hearings, and on their eyes there is a covering. Theirs will be a great torment.

Man, I slammed it shut!.......This was too much for me. These words were touching something in me that I had never felt before and it terrified me I sat there for a minute and thought about what I had just read and remembered what Vic had told me about the Quran being Gods literal words to us.. and it all made sense. Finally, something made sense. I found a purpose to a life that was meaningless. I BELIEVED!!!!! I believed that Allah was the creator and that He was the I believed that Muhammad was His final ONLY one worthy of worship..

Prophet. I believed that the Quran was Allahs words to mankind recorded. But the most important part of this all was that I believed that if I didnt change the way I lived my life that I would end up regretting it for the rest of time. and that was not a chance a was willing to take.

I called Vic up and told him that I believed and wanted to be a Muslim and I wanted to accept Islam And asked how much did it cost and who do I have to pay? He laughed with excitement and told me that this aint Christianity There aint no fee to declare that you believe in Allah.. you just have to do it. The next day he took me to the local Mosque, where I declared in front of ten other Muslim brothers
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that. I bare witness that there is no god worthy to be worshipped other than Allah and I bare witness that Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) is the final Messenger of Allah. That was it... I was a Muslim.. and I made my first prayer to Allah right there with all of those brothers. It was perfect like how I had imagined.

I can tell something special had happened because men that I had just met for the first time had tears in their eyes. They were happy for me that I did this for myself. Why were they so happy for me?! They dont even know me! I saved myself from certain punishment they told me and I believed. that they really believed that. Either way, I had this feeling like I had never felt before.. I was two months shy of my 21st birthday and I had a feeling of being born fresh and new again. Clean and pure.. untainted by this Godless world and all its corruption. I had walked through the mud and came away clean. But I knew that I would have to fight to stay this way.

In Islam, when someone comes into the religion they have the option to take a Muslim name. which I did. I had taken the name Umar Abdur- Rasheed. Abdur-Rasheed means Servant to the Rescuer or Saver. And I believe that I was rescued from myself. And Umar was a companion of the Prophet Muhammad, who was like the gangster of Makkah. He was a baaaaaad dude, but once the truth was brought to him, he accepted it and used his gangster to defend Islam.. so I thought that this name pretty much summed me up..

After accepting Islam.. And feeling so close to Allah, there was no way that I could have gone back to stealing and dealing again. What would have been the point of declaring that I believed in Allah.. and then going right back to ignorance? I spoke with Vic and told him that I was done with the streets and that I wanted him to follow with me. Alhamdulilah(praise be to Allah) He did.. We both started on this mission of getting people off the streets and trying to bring them to Islam. My first
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week of being Muslim I spent on the streets... but this time I was trying to get people off of the drugs and off of the streets.

We brought some of those hustlers and druggies to Islam in those first few weeks, Alhamdulilah and I had changed the neighborhood again but this time for the better. My life had changed and in changing my own life Allah had allowed me to change the lives of others. My friend Victor who helped bring me to Islam had made the pilgrimage to Makkah(Hajj) the next year in 2005 and I followed the year after in 2006. My close friends and I all submitted to Allah settling down.. starting families. Living Islam as best as we could.

I am grateful to Allah that throughout everything He has put me through (and trust me, you still dont even know the half of it) He kept me alive long enough to correct my mistakes and gave me a chance to earn Paradise and escape Hell. I dont know what I did to deserve this treasure called Islam but I pray that Allah forgives me my sins and has mercy on me.. I pray that Allah protects me from all of the evil of His creation.. I pray that Allah never stops providing for me for if He did I surely would have nothing I pray that Allah keeps me on the straight path and never allows me to stray from His straight path I pray that Allah gives my face, body and soul light that all of mankind and the unseen can see.. I pray that Allah blesses all of the true believers with all that I ask for myself.. and I pray Allah gives His soldiers victory over the corrupters of the lands.. the evil doers may He guide us and grant us all martyrdom and the highest Paradise, Ameen!!!

-Zzzzzz Zzzzzz Zzzzzz -Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar (God is greatest God is greatest)

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- Huh? Zzzzzzz -Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar (God is greatest God is greatest) -Wha? Zzzzzzz -Ash Shadu Illa Ilaha IlAllah (I bare witness theres no god but Allah) -(yawn)yaaaaaauuuuhhhhh.Is that the Athan? -Ash Shadu Illa Ilaha IlAllah (I bare witness theres no god but Allah) -Oh sweat! I gotta get up for prayer.

La Ilaha IlAllah (There is no god but Allah)

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Ash Shuhadaah
The Witnesses
Based on a true story The story of my life

By: Umar Al Mujahid Abdur-Rasheed Formerly Anthony Navarro

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Part 1 Before the Pilgrimage

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-Zzzzzz Zzzzzz Zzzzzz -Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar (God is greatest God is greatest) - Huh? Zzzzzzz -Allahu Akbar. Allahu Akbar (God is greatest God is greatest) -Wha? Zzzzzzz -Ash Shadu Illa Ilaha IlAllah (I bare witness theres no god but Allah) - (yawn)yaaaaaauuuuhhhhh.Is that the Athan? -Ash Shadu Illa Ilaha IlAllah (I bare witness theres no god but Allah) -Oh sweat! I gotta get up for salat (prayer).

It was 4:45am.. and I was just getting up to pray Fajr..the Morning Prayer. I had a dream that I was 15 again.. running the streets with my brother, A Mar.. before he was killed. I dreamt about him a lot..and other things..mostly bad stuff.. like.. being chased and.. people tryna kill me. Its funny. as fast as I was in real life.. I could never out run them in my dreams. I would always slow down like.. like my legs were made of concrete or something..and.. just at that point where they would grab me. I would wake up. I woke up in cold sweats a lot.. and missed out on a lot of sleep. This dream woke me up right on time for prayer though.. I was glad to see
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they were doing something.. besides stressing me out. I was almost 22 and it was exactly a year since I became Muslim. Man.. it was a crazy ride.

I had been stabbed in the face.. and almost died from blood loss. I quit playing ball and dropped out of College. Got shot at a few times.. once while walking the dogs at night. And even found out that some guy wanted me dead. just because I was with his girl about 5 years ago.. back in high school or something. guess hes the jealous type. I was like damn.things were getting kinda tough for me.. Not so much the Islam, being Muslim part.. that part was great. it was everything else.

-Im not calling you Omar or Umar or whatever.. youre name is Anthony!!! -You dont think thats being disrespectful to me? -NO!!! I named you Anthony and thats what Im calling you!!! If anything, calling yourself. Omer is being disrespectful to me.. especially when I gave you a name already!!! Why do they want you to change your name anyway? Tell the brothers in the Mosque to worry about their own kids!!! -No ones making me change my name Ma, its part of accepting Islam when I made my confirmation in the church, I took the name Matthew, didnt I? -Well, Matthews a nice name.. not no damn Abdul, Abdullah Rashard or whatever. -Its Umar Abdur-Rasheed, Ma. -Yeah, whatever. Im still calling you Anthony.

My father thought it was a lil bugged out, my brother Tom didnt think it was a big deal and my mom just didnt like the fact that I became Muslim AT ALL. She thought the brothers from the Mosque had brainwashed me or something. Nice to
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see how gullible she thought I was, right?! Regardless.. I knew that Allah was real and.. Islam was the truth.. and it wasnt brainwashing.. if anything.. it was more like.. brain cleansing. I had stopped drinking, messing with females, fighting, selling drugs, I started working a legit job.. I still smoked weed, but.. I was more chilled out and I stayed home and read a lot.. my entire attitude had changed. I was proud of myself... but it seemed like.. after all the problems my younger self had caused.. my mother would rather have HIM back.. than the new and improved Muslim me.

-All you do is stay home and read them. Muslim books.. what happened to all your friends? -Theyre still around. -Well.. Why dont you call them up and go out or something? -Cuz, all they wanna do is get drunk and wile out. I aint got time for that nonsense. Anyway, I hang out with Tom now. -Thats all you used to wanna do before. -Well, people can change now cant they? -Think about what youre doing to yourself.. -Tell me.what am I doing Ma? -Being a Muslim isnt for you.. -Why is that? -Because.. These people are dangerous. This is what they do. They get young guys like you to become Muslim.. and then they make them become radical extremists and terrorists.

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-Heh heh.. you definitely watch waaaaaay too much TV. Dont you realize that because of becoming Muslim, I stopped drinking and running the streets. Youre not happy about that? -Youre not the same anymore. You used to go out with your friends to parties, movies.. even Baseball games.. you used to enjoy yourself. Now you just keep yourself locked in your room and nobody sees you. -Ma, half that time.. I was out selling drugs..anyway.. you used to hate the fact that I was never home.. AND you hated my friends, whats up with that? -Youre just not the same anymore.. you used to be different.. you used to enjoy life.

I was confused to say the least. I went from being the number one cause of stress in my mothers life.. to a stand up, hard working, religious, God fearing person.. and now my mother was worried about me.. not enjoying my life??? .. It was all good because.. I understood that it really wasnt her fighting my new Islamic identity.. Shaytan (the devil), has one purpose in this life.. and thats to test mankind. Now if you think about it.. hes not gonna come knock on your door and try to get you to drink liqour and smoke crack.. or.. try to convince me that Islam is wrong and that I should worship him.. so what does he do?..... he uses the people closest to you.. whether it be your family or friends.. boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife.. Coworkers or even that person on the bus aggravating you cuz they staring at you a little too hard.. Shaytan whispers to all of us.. and thats how he affects us.. through whispering to other people.. and getting THEM.. to do his dirty work.

I didnt know how to handle this, I mean.. it kinda seemed like back when I was 13... in that Catholic school. I was a trouble maker, cuz I thought differently than everyone else.. and wouldnt just follow along.. now, Im brainwashed.. because someone made me realize something that.. I always kinda thought anyway.. and I had changed my faith. God is one with no partners or equals.. this life is an illusion and a test that
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we must get past.. we have to follow Gods commandments as best as we can and.. either get rewarded with Paradise.. or do what we want and get punished in Hell for eternity. Its really a no brainer. I just didnt know that this no brainer was Islam. The way Muslims are portrayed in the media makes you think that. that Muslims are these crazy fanatical desert people, who hate freedom, who hate everyone else in the world. and who even hate each other. I used to think these people were lunatics!!! So I didnt even bother to research Islam back then.. and now that Im a Muslim myself.. my family is looking at me like.. how, I used to look at Muslims back in the day.. crazy!!!.. and I got ZERO support from them. My parents didnt support my Islamic cause and my brother Tom played the neutral role. The only real support I had was from my Muslim brothers. I learned mostly from them, especially my boy Yasin, because.. even though he used to do dirt on the street, his whole family was Muslim and knew a lot about Islam. he was just too caught up at the time and was acting a damn fool with all the rest of us. We were all caught up.

-Moms still stressing you? -Yeah man. -Yeah, its gon be like that for a while. Just understand that its not her.. its Shaytan. -Nah son, I know. It just bugs me out, cuz.. its like she aint even tryna see how Islam has changed me. -She aint using her own eyes no more.. shes using Shaytans eyes.. and that nigga got her seeing everything in red, white and blue.. all anti Islam and shit. -Hehhhh, yeah. you aint lying. -Remember you gotta deal with it though.. cuz, Paradise is at the feet of your mother.. and no matter how much she stressing you. as long as she aint tryna get you to something haraam (unlawful), you gotta listen to her.. but if she tryna get you

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to eat pork, drink liquor and kat a female. then you obey Allah first and foremost cuz aint NOBODY worth going to Hell for.NOBODY!!! -Yeah, I figured But yo, good looking out on that book you gave me.. the more I study the Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him. -Peace be upon him. -The more I realize how wrong we all living. -Well thats the thing.. we read Quran to know Allahs commandments, but then we also study the Prophet.. cuz he was the best example on how to follow those commandments. The way he did everything was exactly how Allah wants US to do it. -How you think he would live. if he was around today? -Definitely NOT like this. Were trash.. even compared to the Sahaabah

(companions). and they were just regular men like us. -Word..

You know, Yasin was right. The companions of the Prophet Muhammad were just regular men like everyone else, BUT.. they were the greatest generation of believers the world had ever seen. Why couldnt we be like them? What was holding us back? Then I started thinking about the times WE lived in.. and how the companions didnt have TV, music, movies..or commercials telling them that they wanted this product and that they needed to have this product or.. billboards enticing them to buy this and that. I realized then that. in todays world.. we were being attacked.. subliminally.. through things we trusted like. TV, the news, movies, music, sports, celebrities, earning a living, the banking system, schools, politicians and the so called expert opinion. Damn near everything was designed to indoctrinate us.. or to trap us somehow. We were living in the greatest trials mankind had ever seen. It was a battle for our subconscious minds.. and we were losing..
35

horribly. We had so many distractions keeping us busy that... we werent thinking about whats really important in this life.. we had been turned into. sheeple, you know..sheep people, just following along. And we were chasing, money, materials and anything that made us feel good about the way we lived.. just a bunch of ignorant lust chasing fools, willing to throw away our promise of Paradise.. for this deteriorating mirage.

Now aside from studying Islam.. and.. my new found passion for secret societies, the occult, politics and mind control.. I had started boxing. An athlete can NEVER stand NOT to be doing something and.. after Baseball. I needed something else. but something that I could do on MY schedule. My grandfather was a fighter out of Puerto Rico and.. I used to fight everyday on the street for FREE. figured I might as well get paid for it!!! I remembered the things he used to show me as a kid.. how to use my feet and.. how not to get hit.. how to throw my jab after any combo. Basic. but effective stuff. Anyway, I started training at a local gym every day after work. I was real nice and my trainer knew he had something special on his hands. He used to take me to all the big gyms in New York and made me fight their best fighters.. whether bigger or smaller, whatever. I fought a looooot of dudes in that time. I eventually turned professional and had my first pro fight at Roseland Ballroom in Manhattan. I won by knockout and.. I was feeling the best I had felt in a long time. I even built up a lil name for myself. They called me Uzi Umar, you know uzi. like the gun. because of the way I punch, I guess. Someone told my trainer that.. it felt like he was getting hit with eight arms. each arm holding a brick. I laughed.. thinking about how he must have felt.. getting beat with eight arms and all.. but then I remembered getting beat myself. but with bats and pipes and stuff.. not fists.

Victor and I took this young kid Hector from the block, under our wing. He was like how we used to be.. robbing and stealing, drug dealing. So we used to talk to him about Islam and how to make the transition from the street life.. into the peace

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life.. but it just seemed that trouble always found him.. sound like anyone you know?....

-Aight, what happened!!! -My girls ex man called me up talking trash, so I told him to come see me.. and he did. with madd people though!!! Niggas came knocking on my door like ten deep. I wasnt going out there like that!!! -What happened after that? -They dipped off, but.. I thought I saw them around the corner.. thats when I called you. -Aight, you cool for now.. well go post up at my crib until things cool down. -Aight cool, but yo. can you take me to pick up my girls jewelry? -Where at? -Walmart -Aight bet.

Maaaaan.. if I had known what was about to go down. I wouldve never agreed to go anywhere.. and wouldve just gone straight to my crib but.. whatever happens in this life.. was already written to happen.. and when Allah decrees a thing..nothing. and I mean nothing you do.. can change that one bit. Allah wanted this to happen to me.. in order for me to learn something.. and/or.. to keep me from something.. either way.. it happened.. and it happened EXACTLY the way, Allah wanted it to happen.

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-Yo pull up on the side. Over there. -Right here? -Yeah. -I thought you was going inside? -Nah, Im getting her stuff from this nigga. -Who? Her ex?!?! -Yeah. -Son youre buggin?!?!?!

Before another word was said, three guys pulled up to my back door where Hector was sitting. Vic was in the front passenger seat and I was driving. Hec opened the door and one of the guys said.. you Hector?.. before Hec could give an answer, he was knocked unconscious and was getting stomped out by the three of them. Like every incident in the hood. It starts off feeling like a dream. It never seems real and everything either happens in the blink of an eye or in super slow motion.

I turned to Vic with a confused look on my face and asked. if this was really going down. He basically gestured that Hec needs to get HIMSELF, out of what he got HIMSELF into. But I remembered watching A Mar die in my arms and. that feeling of helplessness.. now. Im watching this young misguided kid getting stomped out.. and coughing up his own blood, mind you. I couldnt let it go down like that. It didnt help that Hec was 16. the same age as A Mar when he was killed. I had to at least do something. I opened my door and... had my window shattered with a pipe. Now I didnt know this guy, but. I guess he knew me cuz.. he kept on saying, Yo Oo, this aint got nothing to do with you. stay in the car.. stay in the car Oo. But my conscious would never have allowed me to go on knowing that, I did nothing to
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help this kid.. so I dove out at him with a punch. The punch knocked him to the floor.. and as I turned around to rescue Hec. CRACK!!!!!! I took a Baseball bat to the face. I stumbled.. then put bat man down too.. only to get hit in the back by the first guy.

As Im trying my best to take the focus off Hec, I notice three cars off to the side.. unloading with more people.. and. more weapons. Victor had come out by now and started wrestling around with some guy.. Hec was underneath my car coughing up blood, not really moving.. and as for me.. I was in a circle.. fighting for my life. As I would fight those in front of me.. those in back of me were just swinging away. I would turn to defend my back.. and get cracked from every direction. There was no way I was winning this fight. I was just tryna make it out alive. I remembered a box cutter from work in my car.. and ran for it. As soon as I grabbed it. I started swinging for necks.. I wasnt just tryna cut arms and shoulders.. I was going for lives.. yeah.. they pushed me to that point!!!

They backed off after seeing the box cutter in my hand and the crazed look on my face. But just as I turned away to head towards the car.. I noticed out the corner of my eye someone running towards me. I turned quick and blocked my head with my hand.. and had it shattered. Because of my adrenaline.. I didnt feel anything. I just got nervous looking at Hec.. with his white bubble jacket.. now turned completely red. I was praying that he wasnt dead. I dragged him from beneath my car and he opened his eyes. I was so relieved that I didnt have to explain to his parents.. why I was dropping off their sons dead body. We regrouped and headed back towards our neighborhood.

-Yo Oo, you saved my life man. -Nigga, how the hell couldnt you see that he was setting you up?!?!

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-Yo Pa, I didnt know, I swear. -Dammit son, you almost got us killed messing around with your punk ass. -Im sorry Oo, for real kid. -Dammit Hec. you aight though? -I cant feel my face.. and my eye is blurry. -Yeah, my hand is broken. I can feel the bones clicking around, plus.. it done blew to the size of a grapefruit. -Yo Oo theres blood coming from your hat, kid. -What?!?! Son I dont even remember getting hit in my head. -Damn Oo. You got a hole in your head the size of a quarter, my nigga. -Yo, we gotta get to a hospital. -Nah, I cant go. I think I got a warrant out or something. Just drop me off on the block and Ill walk home. -Yo, you sure? -Yeah Pa, I aint taking no chances with the police.. especially after what just went down. -Aight my nigga.. be safe.. go straight home and stay there. -Aight. Yo Oo.. thank you my nigga.. I dont know how Im gon repay you. -Would you do it for me. if it was the other way around? -Hell yea -Then it was worth it.. aight?
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-Yeah. -Peace. -Peace my nigga.

Now Vic got me pissed off cuz.. he didnt want to take me to the hospital. He worked there and.. didnt want them seeing him associated with all this. He punked out in the fight.. and he was punking out on me now. Where was the loyalty?!?! I couldnt drive cuz my broken hand couldnt grab the steering wheel. and my other hand needed to shift, so. I ran to my boy LAs crib who was just down the street. Me and LA used to make beats together.. and worked for the same recording studio. He was leaving to go back to Cali the next morning and.. I had just caught him before he called it a night. He threw on some clothes and we bounced. I was being rushed to the hospital with a shattered hand.. laceration in the back of my head.. and about 65% of my body bruised from the beating. I was zoning in and out of consciousness.. so LA had to hurry.

As the nurses filled out all the necessary paperwork. there I was. rocking back and forth tryna stay awake. They of course.. were taking their sweat time until LA started wiling out. He screamed at them asking what the hell they were waiting for.. for me to die right there on the seat?!?!? I was in bad shape and that didnt seem like it bothered them much. Eventually the cops came to see what was going on. When they saw me, they were getting on the nurses too. They quickly put me in a room and called a doctor. I was laid out on the hospital bed.. not really knowing what was reality.. and what was being made up by my own mind. Everything was happening is slow motion. But amidst all the commotion.. I could see my mothers face.. she looked like she was not really sure what to expect. When she finally realized that it was me in front of her.. the tears started. After all my head was so swollen and
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misshaped. I wouldnt have recognized me either. I tried to get up, but couldnt. feeling like I had been hit by a bus.. and then run over by a train.. and then. dropped from the top of a building.

-Anthony, can you hear me? -Yeah. -My name is doctor Weiss. Listen to me.. you cant fall asleep. you have to stay up. I know youre feeling tired, but you.. have. to stay.up. -Ok. -Ok, besides the break in your hand and the laceration on the back of your head.. are there any other noticeable injuries that you can feel. -Doc. Im numb.I cant even feel those. -Ok, were gonna have to give you a full body scan to see if there are any other injuries. Nurse!!!.. take him to the x-ray room.

Thank Allah. that it was just my hand and my head. Everything else was ok. They had called a bone specialist to come and place my hand back together, but.. the bone was shattered into little pieces and couldnt be put back together. My head was stapled back shut again and.. I was told that I would need surgery to fix my hand. Boxing was over and done with.. for now at least. About two weeks later I had the surgery. It was quick, but.. I had a metal rod sticking out of my hand for the next two months or so. On a brighter side.. they gave me tons of drugs to help me deal with the pain. It turns out that Hectors face was fractured and he suffered a concussion.

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Victor barely had a scratch on him, cuz..after all, he just fought one guy.. and all they did was wrestle each other. I took most of the damage, but it was ok. Hec was still alive and.. if I gotta take a beating to save my boys life, then.. thats cool with me.

-How you feeling akhi (my brother)? -Alhamdulilah (praise be to Allah), Im straight. Drugged the hell up.. but straight. -You know. you gotta leave these street kats alone. You on a different path now.. and they only gonna bring you down with them. Learn from your mistakes and see what Allah is showing you. -Yeah, I know. I shouldve never listened to Hec. -You shouldnt even be associating yourself with that lil nigga. He aint nothing but trouble any damn way. You should think about settling down and getting married. With a wife around.. you aint gonna have no time to be wasting.. especially with these fools on the street.

I thought about it.. you know, settling down.. and getting married. But I wasnt sure until I noticed something. Ever since I accepted Islam. every female I came in contact with. was tryna smash me!!! I was like. hold up!!! These shorties wouldnt give me the time of day before becoming Muslim.. but now. Im the fliest thing since Hip Hop. Something wasnt right cuz. I was getting females just popping up at my house, talking about, I saw you round the way the other day, and.. was wondering how you been? Yasin told me something like this would happen. Shaytan didnt like the fact that I accepted the truth.. and that I was striving for Allahs pleasure, so.. he was throwing at me, the one thing that he knew men couldnt resist.. WOMEN!!!!!

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-So how you been? I heard what happened to you.. you ok? -Yeah, Im cool. -I aint seen you in a minute, where you been hiding? -I been around. mainly keeping to myself.. how you know where I lived? -I be seeing you come in and outa here when I drive by sometimes. -Oh. and. you thought to check me out, why? -Well, you know. we never really talked in school, but.. I was always interested in you. I mean. you always.. just seemed interesting.. different. from Dre, Juice, Raheem and all them other fools, you ran with. -Right. -Anyway.. I was wondering if we could kick it sometime. you know. chill with each other and see what happens. no real commitment needed.. I dont need a man. to need a man.. you get me? -To be honest. I dont get down like that. -Huh? What you mean? -Im Muslim and we dont date like that. - If yall dont date like that.. then how DO yall date? - We dont date at all. -Well I just told you that, you aint gotta be my man. you can just have me when you want me. Nigga.. this the deal of a life time.. you need to take advantage of this.. while the offer still on the table.

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- Look.. no disrespect or nothing but, no sex before marriage. -Nigga, you was one of the biggest players I done ever seen. now you talking all this monk shit.. aight. If its like that then. I hope you feel better and... I guess Ill see you around.. remember. Im always here.. when you come back down to planet earth!!! -Ha, well dont wait up for that.

Now, Dayquana was not a female used to getting turned down. She was one of the baddest chicks in the hood. and any nigga with eyes could see that. She had made other, unexpected visits to my house. along with a few other females. Shaytan was working hard. It was an awkward time in my life cuz.. I had all these beautiful women pursuing me and. I was turning them down left and right. I thought Id never see that day. I couldnt understand why they were sweating me so much. Then I realized that. it could only be Shaytan. and.. I knew that if I was gonna keep from slipping up. I needed to get married. So, I met this sister on a Muslim matrimonial website and we began talking. She was a black sister who lived in Florida. She was Muslim. she covered. prayed.. and had all her teeth. I was sold!!! We ended up getting married in the summer of 2005 and I moved down to Florida with her. By the end of that summer.. I knew I had made a BIG mistake.

-You know, you shouldnt go out dressed like that. Everyone could see your whole shape and everything. -Its not haraam to wear jeans!!! -Yeah, not haraam if you wearing them under something long. The Prophet said that every person that can see a womans shape is a sin on her. Now imagine how many sins youre getting by going out dressed like that?!?!?
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-These are all the clothes I have. I dont see you going out buying me abayahs (long gowns). -Thats because every time I give you money to buy clothes.. you come back with fitted stuff like this. You want me to physically go out and buy your clothes for you? Thats not a problem. -Youre such a jerk!!! -How?!?! Youre failing to realize that this is not from me. these are commandments from Allah, so really.. youre mad at Allah for commanding you to do something that you dont want to do, but.. youre taking it out on me, when really. Im just looking out for you. Dont you even wonder.. who are you tryna look good for? When you go outside with tight, revealing clothes. and make up, looking all fly. who are you doing that for?!?! Cuz, IM not the one who sees you!!! You tryna look good for other guys? These are things that you have to ask yourself before you go off calling me a jerk like Im tryna oppress you or something. You need to chill out and fear Allahs punishment cuz really.. I think you sleeping on it, like you exempt from it or something.

That was the first time she punched me... but it definitely was NOT the last. You see it turned out that my new wife had problems with her temper.. and was even put on medication for it. something her father had neglected to tell me in the beginning. So now here I am. almost 23 and in a marriage with a woman who sees me as a punching bag every time I say something she doesnt wanna hear. Not to mention my $500 cell phone she smashed against the wall, or the brand new gift watch that she destroyed, and cant forget about the many dents in my car doors that she kicked.. and in front of WHO EVER. it really didnt matter if people were around. Oh did I mention she was pregnant too?....

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-Yo Yasin, I dont know what to do. she be wiling out all the time. I cant keep buying new phones, cuz shell just smash em all. -Damn man. you gotta be patient akhi. When shes running her mouth. just dont say nothing and let her cool off. -DONT SAY NOTHING?!?! something. Im bugging out Yasin. -Well at least she aint pregnant. -.......... -She aint pregnant, is she Umar? -.We just found out a few days ago. -SubhannAllah (glory be to Allah) Honestly. this is a test from Allah.. and. if Hes testing you with it. Hes telling you that you can handle it. Allah never gives a soul more than it can bear.. so just hold on to that and get through it. Son, it gets her more hot if I dont say

Yasin was right again. This was a trial from Allah. and. I needed to figure out a way to deal with this situation. I had started boxing again.. against the orders of my doctor, of course.. but I needed a reason to be out the house.. and a way to blow off some steam. I fought 4 more times and added 4 more wins to my record, but then. I decided to stop because. I felt like my promoter and trainer were rushing me into fights just to make a quick pay day. This was my career here and the last 2 fights. I honestly didnt feel prepared. After all, I fought on either two or three weeks notice. which really doesnt allow much time to prepare completely. I took it as. them tryna feed me to the wolves or something, so we parted ways. After that, to keep the peace in the house I spent a lot of time either at work or in the Masjid.

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In July of 2006 my daughter Amani was born. Maaaan, I never felt like how I felt. when I saw my daughter for the first time. I used to play women left and right. and didnt care about NO feelings. but this little baby girl had instantly grabbed my heart. I was in love at first sight. When it came to Amani.. you couldnt get me to put her down. Everywhere I was.. there was Amani.. in my arms. Being a father was another crazy experience in my life. I always loved kids. I think I loved them so much because.. they were pure and innocent. and didnt do things on purpose well most of them were pure and innocent. But having my own child was amazing. To look into this little face and see a part of yourself and.. to know that this little life. is depending on you for everything. It just made me want to work extra hard to give her any and everything I could. I had worked for a brother in his store in the mall selling shoes. I made him enough money in the first 6 months.. to open up two more stores. and as a token of his appreciation.. he gave me that store. Besides my marriage.. things were looking good.. and were about to get better.

Yasins father was a Sheikh (religious leader) in New York. I called him Abu (father) because he used to take me around and teach me Islam. He was like my. Islamic father, you could say. He had worked for a Hajj (pilgrimage to Makkah) tour company and was their tour guide. One year I had helped him sign up some brothers in my area to make the pilgrimage.. in return for a free ride.. but it didnt happen like that. So a whole year went by without hearing from him. It didnt matter to me because. I was happy with just helping some brothers make Hajj, in the first place. But one day I got a phone call that rocked my world.

-As Salaamu Alaykum.Umar!!! -Walaykum Salaam Abu. whats going on akhi.

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-Nothing much, hey listen.. if I told you that you could make Hajj with us this year.. would you be able to go? -YEAH!!!!! Of course. -Ok, ok.. Ill call you back tomorrow. -Huh?... thats it? -Yeah, Ill call you tomorrow InshaAllah (God willing). -Uhhh, ok. InshaAllah.

I didnt know what that was about.. but he said he would call me back and.. hes a man of his word. sure enough.he called me back the very next day..

-As Salaamu Alaykum, Umar!!! -Walaykum Salaam Abu. whats good man. -Get your passport ready akhi. InshaAllah. Allah is inviting you to make Hajj this year.

My heart and jaw.. had dropped on the floor. I couldnt even respond back. All that came out was a few duhs and huhs and an ok. It turned out that.. the owner of the Hajj company had remembered the favor I did for him.. and got some brothers to pay my way. One problem though. I was the only provider in a home that housed my wife and daughter, my wifes grandmother and her younger brother. not to mention.I owned a store now. I just couldnt take off for a month and leave my wife without money for food and bills.. and who was gonna run the store? I was stressing out

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tryna find a way to make this happen.. and I really couldnt. So, I turned to Allah and asked Him to help me. The very next day. Allah responded.

-As Salaamu Alaykum Umar. -Walaykum Salaam akhi how are you? -Good Alhamdulilah. I have a little problem. and, I was wondering if you could help me out with it. Dont worry, Ill pay you. -Akhi, you know that you dont have to pay for my help. -No no, I know that. but this is more like a favor for a favor. -Ok?.... -As you know, Im into selling real estate and. business has been really good this year Alhamdulilah and.. I have one last deal to do, but if I do it. then itll put me in another tax bracket and Ill have to pay more money, so.. this is where you come in. Im going to sign this property over to you as a gift. and youre gonna sell it to my buyer.. and for that. Ill give you $1,000. -Wait, what?!?! -You heard me. $1,000 just to come to the bank with me and sign two pieces of paper. -Allahu Akbar. Akhi Im speechless. -Dont be youd be doing me a huge favor. -Ok.. ok, InshaAllah. -Great. InshaAllah Ill pick you up tomorrow around nine. -InshaAllah.
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Could this really be happening? $1,000 paid all my bills for one month. I just needed some more money for food and emergencies.. so I kept with the dua (supplication). About five days later, the same brother called me back and proposed the same deal to me. I couldnt believe it. Plus the brothers from the Mosque that I went to.. put money together AND. said that they would run the store for me. That was it. I was on my way to Hajj with no worries. Two months of bills paid off, enough money to feed the house for the entire month. emergency money, someone to watch the store and. I was able to bring $1,000 with me. Only Allah could have taken someone with.. ZERO money to spend.. and allow him to make a trip with a $6,000 price tag.. pay all his bills for two months.. have food for his family for a month.. and still.. have over $1,000 to spend on Hajj. This was ridiculous. But like I said before. When Allah decrees something. NOTHING. will stop it from happening.

I kissed my wife and daughter goodbye as I left to make my way to the airport. I had tears in my eyes. not for the wife though. Amani was only six months old and.. this was the first time I was going to be away from her. I went from Florida to meet with the group in New York. I met up with Abu and the rest of the Hajj group. We left out of JFK airport, on our way to Egypt. I was excited and nervous. after all..I had barely been out of New York before.. let alone the country. We were in the sky and off to make Hajj.

Landing in Egypt was a trip!!! Not like a journey.but. like bugged out!!! It was all desert and dry looking. Man. I aint never been in no desert before. We stayed in the airport for a few hours while Abu was hustling to get us on a flight to Saudi. He got it and we were off again in a matter of six hours. Now before leaving Egypt. we
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all made our gusul (bath) for Ihram (state of purity). This consists of wearing two towels and NOTHING else. Now when I say nothing. I mean. literally.. nothing!!! No underwear, undershirt, socks, jewelry, watches, oils or scents of any kind. nothing!!! This is so that ALL of those worshipping Allah will do so as equals. and there will be nothing to distinguish one person from another. Perfect equality. and I loved it.

We arrived in Jeddah late at night. Once we were off the plane. they stuffed us all into this big waiting room. I was a little uneasy in this room cuz it kinda reminded me of the detention halls they keep you in, when you get locked up. I was like, aahhhh damn, we in trouble already!!! But. this was how the Arabs filed everyone in. Alhamdulilah, they handed out Qurans and ZamZam water while we were waiting. Once we finally got out. we waited another eight hours for the buses to come and take us to Makkah, so. everyone kinda just lounged around, slept and waited patiently. It was a long and gruesome beginning to Hajj, but I knew this wasnt gonna be no vacation and prepared myself to thug it out. We arrived at the hotel in Makkah a little after Dhuhr (noon prayer) the next day. Everyone quickly assigned themselves to a room, dropped their bags and proceeded to the Haram (holy mosque).

-You excited? -Abu. words cant describe how I feel right now. -Wait til we get to the Masjid itself. really, this is my favorite part of Hajj checking out the expression on the faces of the first timers. -I could imagine. How many times you been here? -This is my 13th Hajj, Alhamdulilah.
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-SubhannAllah.

As we walked. I couldnt help but look around at the mountains. the trees and landscape, the sky and clouds. wondering if. if the Prophet or the companions ever walked the same path I was on right now. or . did he touch this rock. or climb that mountain. or gaze into this same exact piece of sky. that I was fixed on at that very moment? My imagination ran away with me as its hostage for a minute. We came from the tunnel. that took us through the mountain. and lead to the Haram itself. As we continued. I almost couldnt move.. I was in awe. The tunnel was coming from the bottom of a hill. and as we walked up that hill.. I saw the tops to two of the minarets from the Masjid. My heart started beating more and more intensely with every step closer I took. With every next step. more of the minarets were exposed. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that.. Abu was fixed on my face. with a smirk. a smirk of pure joy, happiness and excitment. for the simple fact that. I was seeing the Haram for the first time. Tears streamed from my eyes as I realized. that this was not a dream, but.. reality. Im here, I thought to myself. The one place that drew longing and yearning from me, every time I saw it in a picture and Allah had actually brought me here. What did I do to deserve this?

-You ok akhi? -Ye yeah. Ill be aight. -Heh heh, you aint the first one I seen cry at the sight of it. its beautiful isnt it? -Most beautiful thing Ive ever seen Abu. I cant believe Im actually here. -Well, believe it.. and lets go get some ZamZam water. -Yeah, InshaAllah.

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We drank fresh ZamZam water straight from the well.. where Hagar, the wife of Prophet Ibrahim (Abraham) and their son Ismael had first stood. thousands of years ago. It tasted like something from Paradise and not from here. so thick and fresh. This HAD to be the purest substance. I had EVER put into my body. I made wudhu (purification) with it and then.. Abu introduced me to the Kaaba.

Now the Kaaba itself.. is a spectacle. It stood tall and wide.. as thousands and thousands of my brothers and sisters, from every corner of the world circled it. Black, White, Arab, Asian, Hispanic, European, Indian.. you name it. all related by one saying. La ilaha ilAllah (theres no god but Allah). The words I use to describe these scenes do NO justice to the actual sights and feelings of actually being there in person. Please forgive my weak attempts, but this is something everyone has to experience for themselves. I made my first two rakah (units of prayer).. at the Haram. in Makkah. my life... had reached its highest point.

-As Salaamu Alaykum. -Walaykum Salaam. -Its me hows everything. hows the baby? -Everythings good. Amanis sleeping. Hows Makkah? -Oh my God. Its the most beautiful place in the world. I prayed all my salats in the Haram yesterday. I still cant believe Im here I. I feel like Im dreaming. -Wow, I can imagine.... Umar?. -Yeah.

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-I miss you. -I miss yall too. Whats good? -Im sorry.. Im sorry for all the things Ive done to you. Im sorry for how I am with you. I hate how I am.. I.. I hate all these bad feelings I have in my heart and. and these bad thoughts I have in my head. Im gonna change.. for you.. and for Amani. I want us to be a real family, you know? -Umm. wow. I. I dont know what to say really. I know things have been rough and. And if youre willing to change then. then Im willing to try again.

This was unreal!!! My wife.. actually apologizing, AND admitting she treated me bad?!?! I shouldve taken trips away from her from the start!!! Before the actual Hajj had started, Abu took some of us to meet a Scholar that he knew from Makkah. We went to a masjid in some beautiful, quiet neighborhood and waited for the Isha prayer (night prayer) to start. Before the brother had made the call to prayer, a man walked in and lit the masjid up. He was wearing all white from head to toe and seemed to have this Heavenly glow to him. This was Abus friend that he brought us to meet. He lead the prayer and afterwards.. took us all to an apartment beneath the masjid. He had prepared some food for us and. began to share some of his wisdom with us. We learned so much in those few short hours. I could have stayed there and listened to him.. all night. Afterwards. he came and spoke with me and was asking me questions about my life and. how it was going and all.

-SubhannAllah, thats quite a journey to Islam akhi. What are you doing with yourself now that you have accepted Islam? -Well, I have a wife and daughter back home and I own a clothing store in the mall.

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-MashaAllah (what Allah wills), sounds like you have completely turned your life around. -Yeah Alhamdulilah. I just wanna focus on studying Islam. Its kind of difficult to study back home. There are so many distractions making me lose focus. -You and your family will come here! You will be my guests and I will teach you Arabic and anything else you wish to learn. -Huh?!?! Are you serious? -Yes. Go home. get your family. and come right back.

I found myself in another one of those situations where.. I just couldnt find anything to say besides duuuuh, huuuuh and ok. We went back to the hotel and. all I could think of was going back home to pick up my wife and daughter, passing my store onto someone and.. coming right back to Makkah.

Our Hajj ceremony had begun. Tawaf (circling) around the Kaaba. tawaf in between the two mountains Safra and Marwa. the night in Mina (city in Makkah). stoning the Jamarat (devil representation).. Arafat and Muzdalifah (cities in Makkah). It was all simply amazing. I was honored to have been able to perform these holy rituals in the land of the Prophet Muhammad. Soon after the Hajj rituals, we visited Medinah which had quickly over shadowed Makkah as my favorite place in the world. I have never felt such peace as I felt in Medinah. Its like. as soon as you drive within the city limits.. you enter this warp that takes you to another dimension. A dimension of peace and tranquility.. where there are no bad feelings. or even bad thoughts for that matter, just.. peace. I visited the Prophets grave and cried as I stood. literally feet away from him and the companions, Abu Bakr and Umar. the

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man I took my name from. Three of the greatest men in history and ME. a former hood rat from New York. was in their presence.

It killed me to have to leave there. But I figured Id be right back so. it didnt hurt too bad and. even if the Sheikh didnt offer me a place to stay.. I would have stayed there homeless and.. would have been perfectly content with being homeless in either Makkah or Medinah because.. it wasnt about materials for me. I had changed my life around and wanted no part of how I was living before Islam. I tried my best to ignore this world and all of its distractions.. and I was willing to give it all up for the inner peace that I felt in these two cities, because after all. wheres the intelligence in chasing an illusion? We can touch and feel all of these nice things in this world, but. we do the same in dreams. and eventually wake up from them. empty handed. So I saw no point in chasing the pleasures of this life when. when I knew that one day I would wake up with nothing that I spent my life obtaining in this world.

Our time was up and we were on our way back home. I had just completed the highlight of my life and was headed back to an uncertain future with my wife, who was.. unstable.. to be as nice as possible. I didnt know if she really meant everything she said, while I was away. or if. she was just lonely or something, but one thing was certain.. on the day of Arafat. as I sat there with my hands raised to the sky. pleading with my Lord to to better things in my life and.. to protect me from other things and.. to guide this one and.. to guide that one. I made one specific request.. that if my wife was right for me. to make it impossible for us to be separate, and.. if she was not right for me then. keep her away from me and replace her with someone who will appreciate me and who will treat me better. And that was that. I had left my marriage in the hands of Allah. All that was left to do was.. just to live the rest of my life. and see what Allah has written for me.. maybe telling her that we

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were moving to Makkah would be the spark that she needed to get on point. Who knew? Not me.. only Allah knew that answer

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Part 2 After the Pilgrimage

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-So. was it everything you thought it would be? -Better. -You know. Allah promises to forgive the sins of the believer who makes Hajj (pilgrimage) for His sake. He forgives them completely .. like. another fresh start!!! -InshaAllah (God willing), Hell accept my Hajj. I could use another fresh start. -Yeah, we all can. So.. you gonna take the Sheikh up on his offer? You and your family could be living in Makkah. studying with a scholar. this is from Allah akhi. you should do it. -Abu. as soon as I get back home.... Im selling EVERYTHING. and bouncing right back to Makkah.

I should have said InshaAllah to that. Remember how I said that. being in Makkah and Medinah was the highest point in my life? Well. when youre up that high. theres nowhere else to go. but down.

As we flew back into the U.S., it just appeared as though. it was dark and covered in this. eerie, misty looking haze. I had this weird feeling. the same kinda feeling you get when. when youre alone in a room. or when youre walking down a dark alley all by yourself. It just didnt feel good. it kinda felt like. like being in the presence of pure evil. and I wanted to turn around. and go right back to Makkah. We landed without any problems and that was it. I was back home. I thought America would be happy to have me back. I thought they wouldve had out the red carpet. and welcoming committee. Oh, they sent their welcoming committee alright..

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-Are you. Anthony Navarro? -Yeah? -Can you come with us please; wed like to ask you a few questions. -About what? -Can you please just come with us? -Not until you let me know. exactly what it is. that you want. -You know its a felony not to cooperate with a NSA investigation? -Well. as of late, its a felony to do just about anything. especially being a Muslim.

Not even five minutes back into the U.S.. and were being stopped right at the terminal. not even 15 feet away from the plane. They grabbed me, Abu and an elderly brother named Muhammad Hassan. who was from Iraq. They took us separately into individual rooms and. began their interrogations.

-So where are you coming from Mr. Navarro? -You already know where Im coming from, why you being stupid with me? Tell me why youre holding me up. and let me get up out of here. I got family waiting for me. -Ok, ok.. how well do you know Muhammad Hassan? -I just met him about.. three weeks ago. -In Egypt and in Saudi Arabia, did you notice him in contact with any suspicious persons? -You guys are the first suspicious persons I seen in the past month.
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-You know you can get in a lot of trouble for playing these games with us. -Look. you want information so you can lock up a good brother, well.. youre not getting it from me, cuz. I didnt see brother Muhammad doing anything suspicious and worthy of your notification. -Youre just making this harder on yourself. You wanna leave to go see your family well. we can keep you here for a very long time.

And they did. about six hours. They had different agents coming in asking me the same questions. about the same people. and I just kept giving them the same answer. I DONT KNOW!!!! After they had established that they werent gonna get anything out of me. they brought all of my bags and emptied them out. right in front of me. I dont know what they were looking for, but. they sure as hell messed my stuff up. Of course, I had to put it all back myself. as they made photocopies of every book cover I had and. copies of every single piece of paper I had. They finally let me go.. after four hours. but I still had to wait an hour for Abu, who was my ride back to my parents house. and together we had to wait another hour for brother Muhammad. who was staying with Abu. Welcome back, welcome back, welcome baaaaaaack, right?.....

We rented a car and drove 45 minutes to my parents house where. my wife and daughter were waiting for me. They had flown up to New York about a week before. It sucked having to be back in America, but damn. it felt great to have Amani back in my arms. As for her mother. I thought I would have been a little excited to see her, but. guess I was wrong. My mother was relieved to see me and. I was happy to tell her about everything I had seen and done out in the Middle East. a place where she thought. Americans got killed. Just for being American. The pictures and stories

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helped put that myth to rest. and as for my marriage getting better. that was a myth. that continued on.

Nothing had changed between us. I came back with the hope of having a pleasant relationship with my wife. only to have it come crashing down within a few days of me being home. Childish disputes over petty issues quickly made it clear that. nothing had really changed on her part. In all the excitement of being home with Amani and seeing my family and friends. I had completely forgotten about the Sheikhs proposal. I thought to myself that. if Allah was going to keep us together. THIS would be what does it. a hijra (migration) to Makkah. Any striving Muslim would jump at this opportunity for sure.

-I met this Sheikh out in Makkah. Hes a Scholar of Islam and a lawyer in the Sharia court . Alhamdulilah, hes a real good brother and. he really liked me a lot and. and made me a. made us. an offer. -An offer? What kind of an offer? -He offered to take us in. you, me and Amani. -What? Where? -In Makkah!!! -He wants us to move out to Makkah? -Yeah!!! Hes willing to let us stay in an apartment he has and. hell teach us Arabic, Quran, Hadith, whatever we want. Were good all we have to do is go to Saudi and hell pick us up. I told him Ill start preparing as soon as I get back here.

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-Preparing? Preparing for what? -To go to Makkah. -Im not going. and neither is Amani. -Wait, what?!?! -What? You think Im gonna just pick up and leave? -This isnt some ordinary place though. this is Makkah we talking about here. -I dont care! You think Im just gonna leave my family and friends and go to Saudi Arabia? -Makkah. We have a chance to live in Makkah and. youre turning it down. to stay. here?!?! Think about Amani. Wouldnt you want her to grow up in Makkah?. speaking Arabic?.... maybe even becoming Hafiz (protector) of Quran? -I am thinking about Amani. youre the one being selfish and not thinking about her. So quick to drag us to another country because you made a deal with some brother. I want my daughter to grow up with her family. and not around no damn strangers.

That was it. this was the conversation that caused me to lose any hope in my relationship with her. I loved Allah and His religion, so. how could I NOT love places like. Makkah or Medinah more than the U.S.? How could I turn down being able to pursue my Islamic education.in one of the two holiest cities in the world? I couldnt. but she did and. destroyed any feelings I might have had for her. It was over. the love was gone and. I was only married to her for Amanis sake. I couldnt love someone who chose America. over Makkah.

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On the night of February 12th, 2007. almost exactly one month since returning home from Hajj. my life. would once again change. drastically. This time. for the worst. An argument over something so stupid, that I cant even remember it. to put in this book for you, had arisen and. I had no energy to argue with her anymore. It just seemed like talking to a wall to me, so. I went outside to cool down and. give her time to cool off as well. I came inside and went to sleep on the couch in the living room. As the peace of sleep had begun to overtake me. I was shocked back into consciousness by the sound of slamming doors. I open my eyes to find my wife. standing over me with a confused look, like. youre not coming to fight with me? I went back to the bedroom and hopped in bed. she had followed and laid behind me. There was a dead silence in the room. It was one of those moments where you could cut the tension with a knife. I remained silent only to have her start shouting at me.

-So, youre just going to ignore me?!?! -What do you want me to say? -Say something!!! Dont just walk away from me playing that silent, too good to argue shit! -Really I dont have time for this. I got work in the morning and its almost one already. -I dont care what time it is, God dammit, were settling this shit right now!!! -Are you serious? Yo. Im out. -Where the hell do you think youre going?!?! -To sleep in the masjid. again. -Hell no, you aint going nowhere!!!

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At this point. Im tryna leave for the masjid and shes blocking the door. so what do I do? Physically pick her up. and move her. She persisted in pushing me and slapping me. Thats when I told her how I felt.

-THATS IT!!!! Im done with you!!! I cant take this shit no more!!! Im done. -What? What are you saying? -I want out of this. I cant do this anymore. -Youre just gonna give up on your family like this? -GIVE UP?!?! You crazy woman. I put up with you for over a year and a half, but this is it. I have absolutely NO love for you anymore!!! -Huh? What? -I only stayed with you because of Amani, and. Im still her father regardless of whether Im with you or not. -Oh so youre just gonna abandon us because of a few little problems? -LITTLE?!?! You damn lunatic. Im tired of getting hit on. Im tired of you breaking my shit and.. and lying to people about me to make yourself look innocent all the time. Dont you realize that you made your family hate me because of your bullshit stories?!?! -They dont hate you. -Well, whatever the case may be. Im not in love with you. I havent been in a looooong time. -Why are you saying this to me?
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-Im gonna start looking for an apartment for myself. and when I find one. Im divorcing you!!! -(gasp)

She started going crazy and swinging at me. Now because I owned a business and. had to carry cash home everyday. I owned a few guns. which was totally legal in the state of Florida. I had one of them in my closet that was right near the door I was tryna leave out of. As this chick was swinging on me. I saw her glance over at it, like she was gonna go for it. I wasnt taking NO chances. hell no, so I grabbed it and left. I hid it in another room and went back to the bedroom for my things. only to find the door locked. and her on the phone.

-Please, I have an emergency. -Yo what are you doing? -My husbands got a gun. -Who are you talking to? -Im here with our daughter locked in the bedroom. please come. I think. he. wants to kill us. -Yo!!! What the hell are you doing!!! What the hell is wrong with you!!! -Please hurry. -Yo, open the door!!! Are you freaking crazy?!?! What the hell do you think youre doing?!?!

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After about ten minutes, the door finally opened with her standing at it. I asked her if she had just called the cops on me saying. that I wanted to kill her. and. the baby. knowing full well that she did. I was just in a state of shock knowing that I was going to jail. for what? I really didnt know, but. I knew one thing for sure. when a woman calls the cops on a man at 1am. nine times out of ten. that man is going to jail whether he did something or not. and the way she was crying to them over the phone.yeah. I was getting locked up. So, when I asked her if she had called the cops on me. something she swore that she would never do. After all after I had accepted Islam. I had been out of trouble and wanted to stay that way. I wanted to leave that trouble maker title back with Anthony not with Umar. Well, to my surprise. she said no. This was a year and a halfs worth of stress. and frustration built up and. finally exploding into a single blow.

Maaaaaaan, I got so heated that I punched her right on that lying mouth of hers. I couldnt help it. But after all the things she had done to me. it took for her to call the cops on me for no reason. for it to come out. So, there it was. my reason to go to jail that night. At least I had one now and. I wasnt going to jail for nothing. She fell to the floor and persisted in tryng to convince me and herself that. I heard her talking to a sister from the masjid. She lied without shame and. did so until a loud and hard pound came from our front door. Hearing this. she looked at me with a confused look and said something. that really made me wonder about the status of her mental health. She looked at me and said, Oh my God. I guess I really did call the cops.

I went to the door knowing exactly what was about to happen, so. I just mand up. and braced for the worst. I opened the front door to find about 20 police officers positioned all over my front yard. AND across the street. I had four on my porch, four scattered on my front lawn, snipers across the street. they had the entire street
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blocked off. I could only walk out with my hands up and take the rough tackle to the ground. A few sneaky shots to the ribs. an elbow here. a kick there. the occasional slam against a wall or against a squad car. This is how the police showed their appreciation. for making them actually do some work at 1:30 in the morning. This went on all the way to the station, where. I was handed over to more friendly police officers and met their fists and boots as well. They accused me of different crimes and. tried to get me to take the blame for everything, including murders and shootings and all types of stuff. They claimed that my tattoo that I got back when I was a kid. was gang related and that I was part of some street crew. anything to make this arrest look like. a heroic display of genuine police work. There I was. a beaten up, bruised, innocent, victim of false accusations on my way from the station. to the penitentiary.

I was thrown into a holding cell with two other fellow.. arrestees, I guess you can call them. We sat and waited for about two hours when they finally came to get us. and to take us to our different prison blocks. I went straight to C-Block. home of the violent offenders, drug dealers and users. Now for some reason. they werent treating me like a normal inmate, nooooo. they were giving me the special treatment. reserved for those inmates with mental issues. who were not only threats to others, but. to themselves as well. I had to strip naked and put on the green crazy inmate uniform. I was given a sleeping mat, no pillow, no blanket and thrown in the bubble, with four other inmates. The bubble is not an ordinary cell. its front wall is all plexiglass, so they can keep an eye on us at all times. Also, there were no beds or toilets for us. we had an electronically locked door that lead to a toilet. and an intercom, that we used to get in touch with the C.O.s (corrections officer) in order to open the door for us. which they rarely did. Sometimes we waited hours before they pressed the button to open the door.

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I couldnt believe it. I went from Hajj in Makkah. to prison in the states, in a matter of a month. What was Allah tryna show me? I had NO clue what I was supposed to learn from this experience. I had to make my prayers regardless of where I was, so. I would ask the C.O.s for the time only to be ignored. I didnt have any windows to check for the sun, so I had to guess every prayer. I pray that Allah accepts my best efforts, ameen. I couldnt tell the day from the night or night from the day. I had no clue how many days I was in there. When youre in the bubble, you get ZERO privileges. which means, no phone calls, no recreation time, I didnt even get a shower for the entire time I was in lock up. I didnt know. who knew I was in here. or if anyone knew at all. I had met with a prison psychiatrist one day. who asked me all these questions about. suicide and. wanting to end my life. I was confused. until I read the report written by my wife. She claimed that not only did I want to kill them, but. I also wanted to kill myself and. this was the reason I was in 24 hour lock up. in the bubble. because my loving wife. told them I was not only crazy and abusive, but. suicidal as well.

I had no clue how many days had gon by. all I know. is that time seemed to freeze while I was in there. I was in another world. and I had no access to the outside. I went to court in the prison and had my bail set at $1,000. A few days later I was bailed out by my uncle who lived in Florida also. Oh Allah. it felt great to be out. only problem was. as I was leaving and getting checked out. they informed me that my wife had put a restraining order against me. Wait, hold up. a what?!?! Yeah, an order of protection, which basically meant that. I couldnt go home anymore. All I could think of was not being able to see Amani. then came all the other stuff. my house, car, store, my clothes and personal possessions. all held hostage by this woman and her order given by a bunch of people who knew nothing about what went on in that house. If anything. I should have been given and order of protection against her!!! I cant even count how many times she assaulted me. I was ready to go back to MY home after all. I paid the bills there, if anything. she should leave, right?
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NO!!! If I went anywhere within 500 feet of her. that would be an automatic two year sentence for me. and in Florida domestic cases. the woman gets ALL the rights of the property. The only solution was to go back to New York and stay with my family until this mess got sorted out.

I spent the next two weeks in a depressed state of disbelief. I had just experienced the high light of my life and as fast as I made it there. I was on the ground with nothing. not even my own clothes. I had to borrow clothes from my brother Tom and friends for almost three months. This was not. what I had imagined I would be coming back home to. To make things even worse, I was court ordered to take an anger management course, a psych evaluation test (because they thought I had mental issues); I was on parole AND had to do community service. I was humiliated and humbled at the same time. The funny thing was. that with all of this Umar is abusive talk. this female still wanted to be married to me and. actually got mad that I went back to New York like. her and the police didnt make it. damn near impossible for me to stay there. Now logic tells me that. when someone claims their spouse is abusive to them and. beats them ALL the time, then. the abused spouse wouldnt want to be in this relationship anymore, right?!?! Well not in this case.

-Why did you abandon us? -What?!?! Abandon you? Do you not realize what you did to me? -You could have stayed. you didnt have to go to New York. -You have an order of protection against me. where did you want me to go?!?! -Theres plenty of brothers here that you know. you could have found someone to stay with. You wanted to leave; you didnt even try to stay.

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- Are you tryna get me locked up for good? Is that what you want? You know that its over between us, so now. youd just rather have me in prison. than with someone else? -Dont nobody wanna lock you up. you could have stayed you wanted to leave us and this was your excuse. -You know what? Youre freaking crazy!!! Theres really something wrong with you. -You!!! Youre whats wrong with me. -Oh really? Well let me help you out with that problem then. I DIVORCE YOU!!!! -WHAT?!?! Why?!?! You see, this is exactly what you wanted an excuse to run back to New York to be with your boys and them sluts up there. you never wanted a family youre an abusive coward, a low life. you aint no real Muslim, you aint even a real man, youre a damn hypocrite, and you.. -(click) -Hello.. hello. Umar?... hello?

She done lost her mind and I was in a hole. that I needed to get out of. I went down to Florida to go to court on the 27th of February. I went with my father and uncle. just so she wouldnt try anything slick. She extended the order of protection until the completion of my anger management. and everything else, which was about another year or so. I had to get one of the brothers from Florida to sign paperwork saying that I gave him my store so he could sell it off. and send me the money so. I could use if for my lawyer fees and P.O. (parole officer) fees, psych test, and I had to pay for anger management too. That one phone call that she made ended up costing me over $22,000. Allah had given it. and taken it away.

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Now in front of the judge this chick played the victim role. and was playing it hard. She got the judge looking at me like I was damn. Charles Manson or someone. so when it came time for me to speak. the judge didnt wanna hear a word I had to say. I got ZERO justice that day. After leaving the court room, I was spending some time with Amani. who I hadnt seen in over two weeks. My lawyer was talking to my newly crowned Ex wife. He came back with this disgusted look on his face. The first thing out of his mouth was. Theres something really wrong with her. After extending the order of protection on me and hearing the judge tell me that. if Im seen anywhere within 500 feet of her. I get two years. she really had the nerve to ask my lawyer if me and her could go somewhere and talk.

-Yeah, theres something really wrong with her. -So after extending the order of protection. now, she wants to meet up with me?... and do what? -She just said that she wanted to talk to you in private and I told her that she was crazy. She really doesnt have any clue what she just did to you. -Yeah, she just does things without really thinking about how its gonna affect people. or even herself for that matter. -I can tell that she still wants to be with you, because shes tryna come up with all of these different scenarios to be able to meet with you. She asked that if you were somewhere and she just happened to show up, would you get in trouble? I laughed at her. -Wow, shes losing her mind.

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-Well I told her that you wanted time alone with your daughter and. we agreed that you would get two hours with her at the Mosque. -Ok man, thanks a lot. I appreciate this. -No problem.

Now my father, uncle and myself went to the Masjid where a friend was gonna bring the baby to me. because my ex wife couldnt be there, right?.... that was made perfectly clear already. Well the friend shows up and Im spending time with Amani and everythings lovely. Im holding her and kissing her. Im making her laugh as I tickle her belly. shes tryna talk to me with baby mumble. This was exactly what I needed.. time with Amani. We were there for only about. half an hour and. I had another hour and a half with her. things werent so bad, until. from inside the Masjid I saw my ex wifes car fly into the Masjid parking lot. Uh oh. what the hell was this chick tryna do?!?! I wasnt taking any chances and. brought Amani back to the friend and. said the most painful goodbye of my life. I cried uncontrollably and couldnt even contain myself. My ex wifes friend, who was at court with her. had this look on her face like. she was so sorry and disgusted, but couldnt do anything to make the situation better. I mean, after all. she was in court and. had heard everything that went on. and then watched as her friend completely ignored the rules that SHE had just put into play. In the blink of an eye. that was it. my two hours alone with my daughter had been cut to a quick little 30 minute date. My heart was completely shattered and this. this is how I went back to New York..

This period in my life was the hardest period to go through. I was depressed everyday. couldnt eat or sleep. started smoking, drinking again and even did
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cocaine. I didnt want to do anything with myself. I started selling crack again. my life. was officially at its lowest point. and I was stuck.

-Yo Umar, you need to chill out man. You going backwards akhi. -Listen... I dont wanna hear that shit man. bring that somewhere else. -Look you know youre like my brother, but. you gotta realize. Allah is testing you. This is just a test Umar!!! -Well, maybe Im tired of it?!?! No matter what I do, I always seem to get screwed over somehow, someway. -But you cant look at it like that man. you been through worse stuff... and I seen you ALWAYS come out on top. No matter what it was. This aint no different. it might take some time, but. you gon bounce right back from this one too. Just never lose faith in Allah. -I still make my salat. I just. I just cant take the pain no more, so. so I stay drugged up. thats the only time I dont feel like. just screaming. I lost everything akhi!!! I cant even see my daughter cuz. this chick wrote down that Im abusive and. and that shes afraid Ill hurt Amani. When the hell did I hurt anyone, let alone my own daughter?!?! -Look shes only screwing herself up cuz. shes gonna have to stand in front of Allah and answer for all these lies she spreading about you. Dont you think that WE know you? We know you aint nothing like that, but THEY dont. just be patient cuz. they fooled by this chick and shes fooled by Shaytan. -Word.

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Yeah, Allah is Most Just and it was only a matter of time before Allah would open up a way out of this slump I was in. I went back to work and left the drugs alone. once again, I still smoked weed. That was the only thing keeping me sane at the time. One day I went to check out Vic and his brother and. I saw this Spanish kid I used to play Baseball with, at their house.

-Oh wow. you guys know Anthony Navarro?!?! -Whats up man. Bryan, right? -Yeah bro, how are you? -Good man Im aight. You know these fools? -Yeah, we all went to school together back in the day and. I recently accepted Islam and took the name Ibrahim. -WHAT?!?! Alhamdulilah!!!! As Salaamu Alaykum Akhi!!! -Walaykum Salaam. -Wow man, thats great. So what else you been up to? -Not much. after school, I joined the army and left because of a back injury. -Word? I didnt know you could just leave. -Yeah well I was hurt pretty bad. Anyway, you still playing ball? -Nah man, I played up til College and lost interest. It became too hard to provide for myself and focus on school and ball at the same time. so I just quit everything, lol. -Damn. Yo, Anthony was one of THE nastiest middle infielders Ive ever seen!!! -Yeah, I was alright.

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-ALRIGHT?!?! Man, people used to come from all over just to watch him play. He was guaranteed to make the pros. -Well, your life can change in the blink of an eye my man. trust that.

I was happy to see that Bryan had accepted Islam and became Ibrahim. Anyone who saves themselves from the hellfire was an amazing thing. He hung around us a lot after that even though he. he really didnt fit in with us. I mean. we were from the streets and. and he was from the white neighborhoods and grew up with the all white kids. Vics brother was cool with him though, so he used to like coming to our neighborhood and hanging out with us. We taught him what we knew about Islam. took him to the Masjid every now and then and that was about it.

Around this time. I had started going back to my old gym. Boxing always kept me focused because after all. its all about discipline. It turned out that this kid Bryan. was a HUGE boxing fan and. loved that fact that I fought. He used to come to the gym with me and watch me train. sometimes he would help me with my training. I didnt compete anymore, but. I still fought in the gym. I enjoyed fighting. dont let my ex wife hear that, shell use it as evidence, lol. One day I fought four heavyweights in a row. Bryan was amazed that I was actually that good, so. anytime I fought someone. it was like a championship fight for him, especially when I fought the amateur light heavyweight champion. a Puerto Rican guy named Kenny. Kenny and I had one of the most memorable fights I could remember. He was bigger and hit hard, but I was too fast, slick, I hit just as hard as him and over all I was just too good for him. The first two rounds went back and forth with both of us just. exchanging huge blows. Heavy shots that wouldve knocked anyone else out, but. in the third round I caught him with a combination of punches that lifted him up and then dropped him down. His trainer jumped in the ring screaming, stop!!! stop!!! He has a fight
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coming up, stop!!! That fight. sealed my fate as a boxing gym legend and Bryan had quickly become my biggest fan.

He wanted to be around me all the time and actually. started to get real annoying. I used to be sleeping early in the morning, only to hear my door bell ring. with him on my porch with boxing videos in hand. I quickly had to let him know that. he needed to stop being a damn groupie. Everything was ok after that until one day. I was getting ready to go to Jumuah (Friday prayer) and Bryan had showed up. He wanted to go with me, so ok. no big deal. I went to get in my car and he said no, lets take my car. That was funny to me because this kid never wanted to take his car and was always tryna hop in one of ours. So, we left and he started talking about how America was so corrupt and how they needed to pay and all.

-Im so tired of it!!! I cant stand to sit back and watch our brothers and sisters dying all over the world. -Yeah, its unfortunate but. we just gotta pray for them. -No, we gotta do more. we cant just sit here and take this. -So tell me what are you tryna do? -Something big come on Umar, tell me tell me youll go to fight Jihad (holy fighting) with me. I already have the hook up in Pakistan. we just have to get there. -Yo, you dont know what youre talking about. you need to chill out and study Islam more. -Nah I know enough to know that we have to fight. -Well, YOU go. and let me know how it works out for you.

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That was the last time I saw Bryan/Ibrahim in person. Supposedly, he left for Pakistan and no one heard from him again. And as for me. I had slowly been coming out of my slump, Alhamdulilah. I had completed my community service. passed my psych evaluation test and was about two months away from finishing my anger management course. Things were on their way back up again. I had been sending money for Amani every week. $100. I wasnt court ordered to send anything, but. that was my baby and I had to provide something. After all. her mother didnt work or anything. Our new relationship was still a rocky one. She accused me of running through New York and sleeping around. partying and having a good ol time. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I worked 12-14 hour days. six days a week doing construction. When I had time to myself. I was either at home or at the Masjid, but to her. I was having wild sex parties with any and everyone. Wow, lucky me huh?

My phone was still under her name so. every month she got the bill and a list of every phone number I called and that called me. This lunatic actually started calling all the numbers on my phone to see if there were any females calling me. does this sound like a woman, who is happy to get rid of an abusive husband?!?! She embarrassed me, calling my anger management counselor, people from the bank I used for my work transactions. even calling people that I didnt know. Friends would use my phone to call their people and my ex wife would call them. interrogating them as to how they know me and what I had been up to. This was crazy. and I was the one who need my psych evaluated, right?....

-Hey Anthony. What can I do for you today? -Hey Trish, just making a deposit.

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-Ok. -How have you been? -I been good, I uhh. I think I got a phone call from your wife the other day. -Wait from who?!?! -Your wife called me. yelling. asking who I am and how do I know you and all this stuff. then she accused me of sleeping with you. and told me not to be fooled by you, that. that youre still married. I tried to talk to her, but she just kept on going and going. -Yo, Im soooo sorry. Thats my ex wife and shes just a little upset about me leaving her. Ya Allah, youre not the first person that has told me this. -Yeah, I was shocked and confused. I can see why youd divorce her. -Shes been driving me crazy. I dont know what to do anymore. -Get another phone line and. have a nice day, lol. -Heh heh, thanks. Be good sweetie. -You too, take care.

I knew that I needed to get married again. just so that way this female would stop harassing me with accusations of zina (fornication). So, I started to search again. My mother was not pleased. she couldnt understand how Muslims could just jump into a marriage. Coming from a Christian background where. everyone dated for years before even thinking of the word marriage. it was understandable why she thought of this as weird or strange. It was really simple though. in Islam, sex before marriage is a HUGE sin. This is because of the affects of premarital sex. You have diseases being passed around like a joint, illegitimate children and that means. no family
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structure. which is the foundation in Islam. Marriage completes a person and gives them responsibilities and purpose. If you choose someone who is religious and God fearing. who follows the commandments set by God, then. youre more likely to have a beneficial relationship, but on the other hand. if you choose someone because of looks or wealth. both of which can deteriorate. the marriage is more likely to fail because the foundation it was set on. has now crumbled.

So this time around. I was looking for a sister who followed Islam as best as she could and. who was sincere. After everything I had just been through. I needed someone sweet and easy going. As I received notification of this sisters interest and that sisters interest on the website. I constantly prayed to Allah that He answer the dua I made on Arafat. I kinda had an idea that He was. mainly because I was already divorced from Amanis mother AND she had an order of protection basically. forcing me to stay away. Now if that wasnt half of my dua answered then. I must not remember what I had asked for.

I had come across a sister that I was interested in. a black sister from the U.K. I really liked what she had written on her profile. more than how beautiful I thought she was. It grabbed me because. it was as if I wrote it myself. besides the whole, wanting a husband part. She wanted to get married in order to protect herself from fitnah (trials) and to have someone side by side with her. who would help her stay focused on getting to Jannah. Wow, I thought to myself. I wanna help her get to Jannah, inshaAllah. So, I wrote to her. basically just introducing myself and telling her what I liked about what she had written. As I was writing this email to her. she came online. SubhannAllah. what are the chances of her popping up online at this very moment. As I stood there in the middle of writing the letter, I was faced with two options. either finish writing and send it or. get the conversation popping off right

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now!!! Now I believe that Allah made me interested in her and. made her sign online at the same time. for a reason. so. I went for it.

- As Salaamu Alaykum sister. -Walaykum Salaam brother. -How are you? -Alhamdulilah, Im fine. What about yourself? -Alhamdulilah, Im good. MashaAllah sister, I think youre very beautiful and would really like to get you know you better, InshaAllah. -lol, thanks. I didnt do it. -lol -Im looking at your profile and it says that you have a child and you are divorced. Do you mind if I ask what happened? -Not at all well, not all relationships work out. Some people are meant for each other and. others are not. My ex wife and I were not meant for each other. Is it a problem that I have a child? -No, why would it be? -Good, because I wouldnt be able to be with anyone who had a problem with my daughter. Have you ever been to the states before? -I tried a few years ago. My sister lives there and she was having a baby. We wanted to go but. they declined my visa. Something about. not having enough ties to the U.K. even though at the time, I was in University, working and have lived here since I was nine. Guess they thought I wanted to sneak in and live the American dream, lol.

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-American dreeeeeeam!!! lol. So. where are you from originally? -Tanzania. -Huh? Whats a Tanzania? -The country below Kenya, you know. in Africa? lol. -Wait?!?! Youre an authentic African. Wooooooow, I never met one of you before, lol. -Funny.. -Ok sister I have to run, but it was really nice talking to you and. I would really like to stay in contact with you. -Ok, InshaAllah.

We stayed in touch for the next few months. eventually calling each other on the phone. I really couldnt. understand her. with the British talk and all, but We quickly became over seas, best eventually. I learned her language. She turned out to be the female version of me. We shared similar views on almost everything. friends. I knew there was something special about this relationship because. every time I thought of her. she would call or send a message and vice versa. She told me that whenever she thought about me, she received a text or an email from me that brightened her day. Some might say that. these things are coincidences, but. I say to them that. there are no such things. After praying to Allah about this sister constantly. I had nothing but good experiences and good feelings about her, so. I asked her to marry me.

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With no hesitation, I got a yes for an answer and we began plotting on how we would accomplish an over seas marriage. Her father was a Sheikh in Tanzania, so I had to write to him. to let him know of my intentions with his daughter. He was cool, gave us his blessing and that was that. We decided that she would come to the states. and stay at her sisters house in Virginia. I would then catch a train down there to meet her and the family. She came I went and we got married on that first meeting. It was an amazing time. Everything seemed to flow just right.

Lets reverse back a little here. during Hajj I made a dua to Allah and asked Him to either change my ex wifes heart or replace her with someone better. And if she wasnt good for me to keep her from me. Now. Amanis mother and I are divorced AND she has an order of protection on me. keeping us away from each other. I meet another sister, who becomes my best friend and then my wife. does it sound like my prayer was answered?

We had agreed that she would move to New York with me. I was still living at home with my parents while I went back to school. I was taking some English teaching courses (TEFL) in order to be able to live in Saudi Arabia, as I figured. the Sheikhs offer had expired by now and. I would need another way to stay. I couldnt move her in to my parents so. I had to make moves and make them quick. I got this little apartment in this Sheikhs house, near the Masjid in Gordon Heights. It was small, but comfortable AND we got to live with the Sheikh and his family. My new wife had flown in to JFK airport and this. was the happiest I had been in such a long time. I needed to be happy again. It was like I had a new lease on life. I got back on to being a Muslim again and. following Allahs commandments. I had fallen off for a while and. that was a dangerous time. With my life back on track, I was able to focus on studying again. I worked and came home to my wife, a pleasant smile, dinner, a clean home. exactly how it should be. She fit in great with my brothers and their wives.
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We were one big jummat (group), and we all loved each other like family. it was great. As some time went on. we noticed things changing in the world. and in the neighborhood.

People were being arrested and killed just for voicing their opinions. People were being framed for things that they hadnt done and it even started hitting close to home. There was an Afghan brother name Hashim. who was the care taker of the Mosque where I had accepted Islam in. We all knew him very well. he was great. A kind and sincere brother. very generous and trustworthy. We all loved him. he was like family to us. Well one day I got a phone call from Yasin that. just didnt make no damn sense.

-As Salaamu Alaykum. -Walaykum Salaam. Yo, Hashim got locked up!!! -What?!?! For what?!?! -These niggas tryna say that he molested a 13 year old boy in the Masjid. -What the hell?!?! Whos saying this?!?! -Some parent is claiming that their son told them. but. they aint releasing no details about who it is. -Yo this sounds like some foul shit man. -Word, they set him up. -I know, but who would wanna set up someone like Hashim? And for what?!?!

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-I dont know, but if they locking up brothers like Hashim. then its about to get real ugly out here. -Word, I feels you.

Not too long after that. some strange guy had started coming to the Masjid in the Heights. No one had ever seen him before or. even knew where he came from. He would always come with a book bag wrapped around him. even while praying. We could tell he didnt know much about Islam, because. he really didnt pray properly, but. claimed that he had been Muslim for a while. One day, we had finished the group prayer and people were doing individual prayers. My boys and I had left to go outside. while this guy was starting his individual prayers. As soon as we got outside. BOOM, he was right there behind us. I thought it was strange that. he left without finishing his prayers. We walked around the property of the Masjid because I was gonna clear some land for the Sheikh. He wanted to build a school and a recreational building on the Masjid grounds and. fix the parking area, but everywhere we went. this guy just tagged right behind us, as if. he was listening or. or recording something. It didnt bother us, because. we werent into no funny business or foulness. We were all hard working, stand up guys. we didnt have anything to hide. we just wondered if. if this guy was working for the Feds or the CIA. why were they messing with us and. with this particular Masjid? After Hashim getting set up. I didnt have a good feeling about this.

Vic had lived on the same side of the street as my parents house. only eight houses down though. Our block was long, but. there was a street that cut horizontally down in the middle of the adjacent block. There was a house across the street on that corner that was. exactly in the middle of my parents house and. Vics moms house. We knew the family that lived there, but. one day we saw them and the next day.
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they were gone. No house for sale sign. no moving truck. no signs of anyone leaving, PERIOD!!! Strange trucks and vans would pull up and. all the shades on the windows were always down. Every now and then you would see someone look out the window, but youd never see people coming in or out. One day Vic and his brother were walking some of the dogs we had. They walked down the street that was across from ours that cut down. They said that they had seen all of these cops and. undercover police in unmarked cars and vans. Being from the streets, naturally they got scared thinking that they were getting jumped out on, but. the cops were down this one street surrounding this house. They went back home and told me what had happened.

My father and I worked for the same construction company, so. we used to ride together every morning. The next morning we drove down that same block and. the house that the police were surrounding. had been burned to the ground. I couldnt believe it. things were getting too weird around here and thats when Yasin had called all of us to have a Shura (meeting). We met at his brother Ihsans apartment with all of our wives and kids and. he just talked to us from his heart.

-As we all know. theres been a lot of funny things going on around here. We know that the enemies of Islam are getting ready to wage a huge war on the Muslims. Being here in America. we wont survive. They control everything in this place and. we wont stand a chance. -So what do you suggest we do? -LEAVE!!! We need to go to Muslim lands where. we can be backed up by our brothers and sisters in Islam. -Thats gonna be hard though AND its gonna cost madd money.
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-Not if we do it like this. every week, we put money into a pot and save it. The whole time were saving it. well be looking for places in Egypt, Yemen or Saudi somewhere. These places are cheap to live. especially if you go there with dollars. Once we find a place. well use the money to send one family. Whoever we send will go out there and get things set up for the rest of us, InshaAllah. -Damn akhi. sounds like you been thinking about this for a while. -I had this dream back when I was a kid that. Dajjal (anti Christ) was chasing me. When he finally caught me, he. (crying) he cut me in half, just like in the Hadith. I came back to life and was the one who.. who bore witness that he was none other than Dajjal. -Damn thats deep akhi. -The final battle between good and evil will take place in the Middle East and. and Ill be damned if were all stuck here getting slaughtered.

Afterwards, everyone was laughing and joking with each other. but me. I couldnt laugh or even fake a smile even if I wanted to. Everything he said was true. They had been planning a war with the Muslims for years and years now. And if we were to stand any chance in surviving this attack. we would have to be with our brothers and sisters in a Muslim country. NOT behind enemy lines. where were easy targets. First Hashim gets arrested, then that fake Muslim agent, the stake out house across the street and then that other house being burnt down by the cops. Everything was getting too weird and. and was building up inside for me and. I had become more serious about my deen (religion) than ever Alhamdulilah.

One day on my day off. wifey and I had gone food shopping. It was a cold Sunday morning and. everything seemed normal, until. until we turned the corner to our
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street. As I made that right to go down our street. I noticed a brand new all black Ford 500. parked. right in front of the Sheikhs drive way. As we pulled closer I noticed that it had Washington DC license plates and. there were two guys dressed in suits and ties with trench coats and shades on. They were checking out the house and were. very MIB agent looking I thought. We stared at them and. they stared back at us as we crept by. slowly going past the Sheikhs drive way. I didnt like how they were just posted up there. watching everything. so I drove down the block not to let on that we lived there. As they turned and left off. we went home. We got to our apartment door with all of our groceries and noticed that. our door knob had been smashed up and dented. It looked as if. someone was tryna pry our door open. Parts of the door were bent as if. a crow bar had been jammed in.

The Sheikh said that he hadnt gone anywhere and didnt hear anything suspicious. What was going on?!?! I was shook. my wife was getting nervous and my brothers were all bugging out. This is it, I thought to myself. Theyre gonna come, lock me up and pin some bullshit story on me. Everyones gonna see my face on the news. with a fake story tagged on to it. Anthony Navarro aka Umar Abdur-Rasheed, was arrested yesterday for plotting to blow up a building in Manhattan. Yasins plan had to be thrown into fast forward.

-We have to get out of here!!! -Yeah, but where are we gonna go? -I dont know and. really dont care at this point. Do you? -No. -Abu got some friends in Egypt. Maybe I can ask him to make some phone calls. Would you mind Egypt?
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-Why would I mind anywhere we went?!?! Lets just get out of here.. wait, what about my parents place in Tanzania? Last I heard. they had an apartment on the side of the main house that we could rent out, InshaAllah. -InshaAllah. You think theyd be cool with that? I mean, I could use that TEFL certificate I got. to teach English out there, so. it wouldnt be like were just free loading off of them. -Ill ask, but I dont see why not. -Ok, you do that and Ill try to get us some money to get out of here, InshaAllah. -InshaAllah.

I was constantly praying to Allah that. He open a door for us or. make a way for us to get out of this place before. something happened to one of us. I mean.we were having problems getting my wife a residence visa, for whatever reason. and I wasnt about to take the chance of her being deported. and us being separate. Me on the other hand. I was a young Muslim male. enough said!!! One day my wife was checking things on the computer and. she remembered that she had an overdraft facility that she could use. The amount was 1,500 British Pounds interest free. She didnt want to use it because of the fact that she might not have been able to pay it off, but. seeing the situation that we were in. we had no choice. It was either. use it and leave the country or. stay and take the chance of being the next Jose Padilla. locked up for years and years, and. still dont know what he did. 1,500 British Pounds got us two tickets to Tanzania. with money to spend. There was light at the end of the tunnel. we were just praying that Allah allowed us to make it that far. I gave 80% of my clothes and books to my brothers, gave my car to my younger brother Tom and left all the furniture and appliances to the Sheikh.

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Preparations were in place. February 27th. was the day we would be leaving. I let Amanis mother know that I was moving overseas, and. spoke to the baby who just made noises on the phone. It killed me to have to leave her in the states, but. her mother never let me see her while I was there, so. being in another country wouldnt make much of a difference. My mother was mad at me for wanting to leave. She couldnt understand why and. I couldnt explain to her that I was afraid of being arrested for being Muslim, so. I just told her that I was taking a teaching job in Africa. I knew her heart was breaking and. I knew she didnt want me to leave for fear of never seeing me again. I felt the same. but I saw in a dream that. I was in a new land and. I was feeding poor people with my hands. I was building homes and being surrounded by children. The last part of my dream was of me. older and fighting in a battle. I was on top of a hill battling all those tryna come up. I knew then that. Allah had something planned for me and. it wouldnt happen staying there.

The day had come. We were packed up and ready to go. Yasin had come to take us to the airport. We said goodbye to the Sheikh and his family and thanked him for everything. As we drove to my parents house. I could already picture my mothers face as she watches me walk away. I did my best to hold it together. My father was at work, so I had to see him the day before. He understood that I had to do what I had to do and. he supported my decision. It killed me not to be able to see him that day. I went inside to find my mother in her room. As she looked at me. her face began to turn red and. her eyes had swollen with tears. which had started streaming down her face. We hugged and cried on each others shoulders. not knowing if. we would ever see each other again. In my life. Ive faced many situations. each one harder than the next. A Mar dying. saying goodbye to Amani at the Masjid and the depression that followed, but this. this hurt me like nothing I had ever experienced. I loved my mother. we had been through so much together and I knew how much she loved me back. The thought of not seeing her again broke me in pieces that day.

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We let go of each other and said a few last words. We exchanged an innumerable amount of I love yous, then. she made my wife promise that she would take care of me. then I went to say goodbye to my brother as my mother watched and cried uncontrollably. Now my younger brother has always been quiet and has never showed much emotion, but. I knew he was sad to see me leave. Trust me; it killed me to have to leave him. I held back tears from saying goodbye to him. as I was the older brother and. had to show strength. so we just exchanged some love, said our goodbyes and I was off. Leaving the home that housed my family and. so many cherished memories. We drove down the block to Vics house where. he and his brother were waiting for us. We were all like family so. there wasnt an easy goodbye for me that day. Vic told me he loved me as his brother started to cry. I hugged them both. told them I loved them and was off again. this time. to the airport.

-You ready for this? -Yeah. I think so. -You know we gonna miss you, right? -Yeah. yall know Im gonna miss you all too. -Always remember. Allah forgives the one who migrates for His cause. -InshaAllah. -Get things set up for us and. InshaAllah, when the times right. well be right behind you. -InshaAllah. Yo, just keep an eye out for my family aight? -No doubt. I got you.

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-Good looking out. Ok akhi. this is it. I love you akhi. -I love you akhi. -Remember if I dont see you here. then Ill see you up there, InshaAllah. -InshaAllah. -As Salaamu Alaykum. -Walaykum Salaam.

There we were. standing at the door we had prayed for Allah to open. So many things were going through my head. I had just hoped that. that I wasnt making a huge mistake. I wanted everyone to know. just how much I loved them and. how much they all meant to me, but. I had to do this. for my safety. for my future. if there was to be one. I had everything I needed. faith. strength. purpose. a strong woman at my side, and. most importantly. Allah. Nothing was certain at this point. except one thing. no matter what was to happen to me from this point on. it was always going to happen and. no move I made would have been able to change it. My life and my future. were in the hands of Allah. and all that was left to do. was to take this very next step. in to the unknown and uncertain.. with all my faith and trust. in Allah.

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