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BOUNDARIES in MARRIAGE
Introduction:
Introduction (pgs. 15-16) The Big Picture of Marriage (pgs. 17-18)

I <--------> WE <--------> I
Importance of Boundaries
o o o o o Any confusion of responsibility and ownership in our lives is a problem with Boundaries. Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is our responsibility and what isn't. Boundaries are not walls. Focus so much on being loving, giving, caring, and unselfish that we forget our limits and limitations. Then, when we've been used, abused, and misused we get upset. A serious problem among ministers/spouses who are dedicated and sincere. Depression Anxiety disorders Eating disorders Addictions Impulsive disorders Guilt problems Shame issues Panic disorders Marital and relationship struggles Confused about when it is appropriate to set limits. Can I set limits and still be a loving person? What are legitimate boundaries? What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? Why so I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries? Aren't boundaries selfish?

Taking ownership
What lies within my B. lines-----> What I treasure/what I value---->My "stuff" ----->Drawing of 1.) Got to OWN (know) what is in my B. lines. house w/ B. lines 2.) What I value ends up on my property & "stuff"/values. Ex. of Adam and Eve not taking ownership of their B. lines.

I <---------> WE <--------> I
Eve Adam

Adam's rendition --> Eve's rendition ---->

1. She ate 2. I ate

3. We fell -----------

2. I ate 3. ------

---------> disowned his part/lack of ownership ---------> 1. "the serpent deceived me" disowned her part and his part blamed the 3rd party > > >finances
work kids parents house

("that woman you gave me')

Assuming responsibility

What lies within my B. lines---->What I treasure/what I value---->My "stuff". Must allow / require spouse to own their "stuff"

You will never have a successful relationship if you don't own and value your "stuff". The big pay-off of taking ownership of responsibilities:

The Triangle of boundaries: --------->Formula for a relationship to work

F+R=L

* You will lose your relationship without this *

Freedom: 1.) to respect others freedom - space leads to longing 2.) from controlling or being controlled - only way to create a bond is for there to be two separate things to connect together ----------> 2 individuals. Death & Divorce = "a part of me is gone" / "I feel ripped apart". 3.) not to react to each other Where there is no freedom, there is slavery-Where there is slavery, there is rebellion.

Responsibility: for freedom 1.) take responsibility for your own freedom issues. 2.) more self-controlled. 3.) more loving.

Where there is no responsibility, there is bondage.

3 Love Love is not just being obeyed or complied with. 1.) sets you free from self-centeredness. 2.) sets you free from past hurts. 3.) sets you free from self-imposed limitations. 4.) God and each other.

Love only exists where freedom and responsibility are operating.

I. WHAT IS A BOUNDARY? - - - - - -- >>

Basically, a property line

* with certain "stuff" on the property. * that marks those things I am

responsible for. * with fences around it to protect it. * and gates to go in and out. * defines who we are/are not. * impacts all areas of our lives.

A. What does a boundary look like? 1. Easy to see in physical world - - - -> > very real and easy to see. fences signs walls moats w/alligators manicured lawns or hedges In their differing appearances, they all give the same message: THIS IS WHERE MY PROPERTY BEGINS. Marks a visible property line that someone holds the deed to. Denotes the beginning and end of something. Can go to the courthouse and look up your address, you can probably get a plot map showing your property lines. You can find out exactly where those boundaries of your ownership and responsibility begins and ends. Helps us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances.

2. Exists in the spiritual world - - - - - (as opposed to the physical world.) Mental boundaries - gives us freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions. Emotional boundaries - helps us deal with our own emotions and disengage from
the harmful, manipulative emotions of others. Belief boundaries - what you allow to be set as your guidelines/standards for living. (i.e.; doctrine= standards by which you live.)

3. Spiritual boundaries are as important as physical boundaries. Just as real as the physical boundaries. Harder to see/understand Mind - think/reason Define your soul - - - - - - - - - - - -> > > SOUL Will - want/desire Emotions - feel

B. What is the definition of a boundary? 1. Me and Not Me Boundaries define us / What is me and what is not me. Shows me where I end and someone else begins. (Leads me to ownership/responsibility.) Defines what is not on my property and am not responsible for. Nowhere are we told to have "other-control" but, rather, "self-control'.

2. To and For Responsible to others and for ourselves. Take ownership and responsibility. "carry your load" - - - - > > > load (Gr. def.) = cargo the burden of daily toil Describes everyday things we ought to do. Like a knapsack that is possible to carry (deal with).... we are expected to carry our own. feelings attitudes behaviors etc.

5 "bear one another's burdens" - - - > > burden (Gr. def.) = excess burdens
so heavy they weigh you down Like boulders that can crush us. Breaking our backs. Need help! Time of crisis and/or tragedy in our life. Ex.: Kelly carrying Brian's pack in the Grand Canyon.

3. Good In and Bad Out Keep things that will harm us outside. Keep things that will nurture us inside. Boundaries keep the good in and the bad out. Boundaries are not walls ! Our fences needs gates. Guard your gates........
Boundaries without gates = paranoid

C. What are some examples of boundaries? 1. Skin - Most basic physical B that defines you.
A metaphor to express their personal B have been violated = "He really gets under my skin." Skin B keeps good in (protects blood and bone) and bad out (protects from germs and infections) Victims of physical/sexual abuse have had this B violated.

2. Words - Most basic B is language->>>B-setting words are no, yes/ I like, don't like/ I will, won't.
Words (or lack of words) tells others who you are, what you believe, what you want and don't want. If you don't communicate your feelings, intentions, likes, dislikes to others it is difficult for them to know where you stand. (Gives them a sense of the knowing where the edges of your B are.)

3. Truth - Provides safety and security.

Not being truthful or honest about ourselves gives a false impression of who and what we are. (Acting happy and loving, but in reality miserable inside and hurting deeply.) Not being truthful w/each other makes your relationship go into hiding. Instead of one real relationship, we have two relationships: OUTSIDE =false / INSIDE =true. Intimacy is lost, and so is love.

4. Geographical distance - When all else fails (the last resort) people must get away from the hurt.
Distance can provide time to think, heal, learn, and/or protect.
Distance can be minimal or more significant.

5. Time - Helps to structure/work out issues or difficulties in a relationship.

Give yourself time / give your spouse time to talk, react bout certain things. Set certain time to work, for pleasure, worship. Establish seasons for certain goals.

6. Emotional distance - A temporary B., never a permanent way of living.

Guards the heart when trust has been broken. Beware! Do not use this B to act out feelings of revenge, anger, spite, or punishment. Motives have to be pure to use this B.

7. Other people - Protect your marriage form intruders!

Make sure others are there to help and not hurt. We all need relationships with other people (women to women/ men to men). Church fellowships (good and bad.) Find good support network to help you establish and create your B.

8. Consequences - Trespassing on other people's property carries consequences.

Give some good "barbs" to the fence of our B. Let people know the seriousness of respecting our B. EX: 1.) generation X consequence of parents idle threats to kids 2.) hunger consequence of laziness.

D. What's within my boundaries? All of these things lie within the property lines (Boundaries) of yourself. You have been given stewardship over them. You are ultimately responsible................(Rom. 14:12) "..for we must all give an account of himself to God." No blaming someone else / No excuses Freedom is a good thing but comes with responsibility / accountability Need to take ownership of "me".

What must I take responsibility for:

1. Feelings - Play an enormous role in our motivation and behavior. Should neither be ignored nor placed in charged. Come from your heart and tells the state of your relationships. going well or a problem. feel close and loving or feel angry and need to address problem.

2. Attitudes and Beliefs - Attitude = stance you take toward others (God, life, work, & relationships) Beliefs = anything you accept as true (convictions). Can feel their effect. We are the only ones who can change them. Tend to blame other people for them. Learn them very early in life. Those with boundary problems usually have distorted attitudes about responsibility. To hold people responsible for their feeling, choices, & behaviors is mean. 3. Behaviors - Has consequences!......(Gal. 6:7-8) "Whatsoever a man soweth, that also shall he reap." study = good grades work = paycheck exercise = better health act loving = closer relationships be idle, lazy, irresponsible, or out-of-control behavior = poverty, failure, and lose living. Interrupt the Law of Sowing and Reaping (THE NATURAL CONSEQUENCE OF THEIR BEHAVIOR) is to render them powerless: PARENT / CHILDREN SPOUSE / DRINKING SPOUSE 4. Choices - A common Boundary problem = laying responsibility of our choices on someone else. Blaming someone else relieves us of our basic responsibility. We ARE in control of our choices....no matter how we feel.. Making decisions based on others' approval, or on guilt, breeds resentment. We have been so trained by other on what we "should" do that we think we are being loving when we do things out of compulsion. You are the one who makes the choices You are the one who must live with their consequences. You are the one who may be keeping yourself from making choices you could be happy with.

5. Values - What you love sand assign importance to. Caught up in man's approval rather than God's.....(Jn. 12:43) "For they love the praise of men more than the praise of God." Because of misplace values. . . . . we miss out on life. Think that power, riches, pleasure, position, & prestige will satisfy deep longings. A heart that values things that cannot satisfy. 6. Limits 1.) Setting limits on others. Most often hear about / a misnomer / can't make them behave right! Can set limits on our own exposure to others who are behaving badly. Separate our self from those who misbehave. 2.) Setting our own internal limits. Need self-control without repression. A space inside ourselves where we can have a feeling, an impulse, or a desire, without acting in it. Need to be able to say "no" to ourselves. Both destructive desires and some good ones that aren't wise to pursue at a given time.

7. Talents - Taking ownership of our "talents" is often frightening and always risky. Accountable and much happier exercising gifts and being productive. Takes work, practice, learning, prayer, resources, and grace to overcome the fear of failure.

8. Thoughts - No other creature on earth has our thinking ability. 1.) We must own our own thoughts. Mechanically think the thoughts (opinions and reasoning) of others without examining them. Listen to others..................."take your sift..." 2.) We must grow in knowledge and expand our minds. Especially God's Word. God's creation - - - "rule and subdue the earth". His work of creation - - - to become " wise Stewards". 3.) We must clarify distorted thinking. Have a tendency to not see things clearly.

9 Our preconceptions of people are distorted by past relationships and of who we think they are.........Matt. 7:3-5 "mote in brother's eye / beam in thine own eye." Communicate our thoughts to others / they are not mind readers!

9. Desires - Each of us has different desires, wants, dreams, wishes, goals, plans, hungers, and thirsts. All want to satisfy "me". . . . . . WHY ARE THERE SO FEW SATISFIED "ME'S" AROUND? Lack of structured Boundaries within our personalities. Ned to define who the real "me" is! Real desires for love and affections could be masquerading as "lusts".

10. Love - Our ability to give and respond to love is our greatest gift / crucial to life. Difficulty because of past hurts and fears. Closed heart to others - - - - feel empty and meaningless. Spiritual Heart (like physical heart) needs an inflow and an outflow of lifeblood. Love concealed or rejected can both kill us! Loneliness can be a result of our own lack of responsiveness Responsible to respond to others love to us / opens up life to us.

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10 LAWS of BOUNDARIES Introduction

Imagine for a moment that you live on another planet operating under different principles. Suppose your planet has no gravity and no need for a medium of exchange such as money. Your get your energy and fuel from osmosis, instead of eating and drinking. Suddenly, without warning, you find yourself transported to Earth. When you awake from your trip, you step out of your hovering spacecraft and fall abruptly to the ground. "Ouch!" you say, not knowing exactly why you fell. After regaining your composure, you decide to travel around a bit, but are unable to fly, because of this new phenomenon called gravity. So you start walking. After a while, you notice that, strangely, you feel hungry and thirsty. You wonder why. Where you come from, the galactic system rejuvenates your body automatically. Luckily, you ran across an earthling who diagnoses your problem and tells you that you need food. Better yet, he recommends a place where you can eat, called Jack's Diner. You follow his directions, go to the restaurant, and manage to order some of this Earth food that contains all the nutrients you need. You immediately feel better. But then, the man who gave you the food wants "seven dollars" for what he gave you. You have no idea what he's talking about. After quite an argument, some men in uniforms come and take you away and put you in a small room with bars. What in the world is going on, you wonder. You didn't mean anyone harm, yet you are in "jail," whatever hat is. You can no longer move about as you want, and you resent it. You only tried to be about your own business, and now you have a sore leg, fatigue from your ling walk, and a stomachache from eating too much. Nice place, this Earth. God's world is set up with laws and principles. Spiritual realities are as real as gravity, and if you don't know them, you will discover their effects. Just because we have not been taught these principles of life and relationships does not mean they will not rule. We need to know the principles God has woven into our life and operate according to them.

The TEN LAWS of BOUNDARIES will let you learn to experience life differently.

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TEN LAWS of BOUNDARIES in MARRIAGE

LAW # 1: The Law of Sowing and Reaping Basic law of cause and effect. Can be interrupted by people who have no Boundaries / step in and rescue irresponsible people. Rescuing a person form natural consequences of his behavior enables him to continue. Law of Sowing & reaping has not been repealed. It is still operating. Out-of-control doer is not suffering the consequences - - - but, someone else is! Called "codependent. Establishing Boundaries helps codependent people stop interrupting the Law of S & R in the life of their loved one. Boundaries force the person who is doing the sowing to also do the reaping. Confronting an irresponsible person is not painful to him - - - - only consequences are!

LAW # 2: The Law of Responsibility Wrong views of "responsibility": "That's so self-centered. We should love one another and deny ourselves." Become selfish and self-centered. Feel guilty when they do someone a favor. Correct view of responsibility": Loving others - - not be one another. Can't feel your feelings for you. Can't think for you. Can't work through disappointments for you. Can't grow for you. Each responsible for themselves. Treat others the way we want to be treated ./ Give to needs. Set limits on other's destructive and irresponsible behavior / Put limits on wrong.

12 LAW # 3: The Law of Power We have the power to do some things that will bring fruits of victory later. 1.) Power to agree with the truth about your problems. Called "confession" / may not have the ability to change yet, but you can own up to it. 2.) Power to submit your inability to God. Ask for help and yield Humble yourself and turn your life over to Him. You may not be able to make yourself well, but you can call the Doctor! 3.) Power to search and ask God and others to reveal more and more about what it is within your Boundaries. 4.) Power to turn from the evil that you find within you. 5.) Power to humble yourself and ask God and others to help you with your developmental injuries and left over childhood needs. (feeling empty inside.) 6.) Power to seek out those that you have injured and make amends. Take responsibility. 7.) Boundaries help to define what you do not have the power over: everything outside of your Boundary lines. Probably the best Boundary Prayer ever written: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

LAW # 4: The Law of Respect If we wish others to respect our Boundaries, we must respect theirs. Freedom begets freedom. When we accept others' freedom to set Boundaries, we don't get angry, feel guilty, or withdraw our love when they do. When we accept others' freedom, we feel better about our own.

LAW # 5: The Law of Motivation Your "doing" and sacrificing must be motivated by love, not fear. Must be free to say "No", before we can wholeheartedly say "yes". 1.) Fear of loss of love, or abandonment. Say "yes", then resent it. Dominant motive of Martyrs - >> Give to get love, and when they don't get it, feel abandoned. 2.) Fear of others' anger.

13 Because of old hurts and poor Boundaries, some people can't stand for anyone to be mad at them. 3.) Fear of loneliness. Give in to others thinking that will win their love and end their loneliness. 4.) Fear of losing the "good me" inside. Think that love is to always say "yes". 5.) Guilt. Trying to do enough good things to overcome the guilt inside and feel good about themselves. 6.) Payback. Feel a burden to pay for all they have been given. 7.) Approval. When someone wants something from hem, feel the need to give so that the other will be pleased. 8.) Over identify with the others' loss. Can't stand to see others hurt like they have been hurt, so they comply. Freedom first, service second. If you serve to get free of your fear, you are doomed to failure.

LAW # 6: The Law of Evaluation Need to evaluate the effects of setting Boundaries and be responsible to the other person. Evaluate the pain our confrontation causes other people.

LAW # 7: The Law of Proactivity Proactive...instead of....Reactive Reaction phases are a necessary stage, but not sufficient. Having found your Boundaries, don't use your freedom to destroy others. Reactive people are known by what they hate, what they don't like, what they stand against, and what they will not do. Adulthood has higher goals than "finding yourself." Proactive people show what they love, what they want, what they purpose, and what they stand for.

LAW # 8: The Law of Envy Envy - the basest emotion we have defines good as "what I do not possess" and hates the good it has. puts down accomplishments of others.

14 guarantees that we will not get what we want and keeps us perpetually dissatisfied, empty, and unfulfilled.

LAW # 9: The Law of Activity Boundary problems because we lack initiative. Passivity never pays off. God's grace covers failures, but cannot make up for passivity. Trying, failing, ands trying again is called learning. When a baby bird is ready to hatch, if you break the egg for the bird, it will die. The bird must peck its way out of the egg into the world. This aggressive workout strengthens the bird, allowing it to function in the outside world. Robbed of this responsibility, it will die.

LAW #10: The Law of Exposure You do not exist in a vacuum. Your Boundaries define you in relation to others. Your Boundaries need to be made visible to others and communicated to them in relationships. Healing takes place in the light / Satan is exposed in the "light". Unexpressed Boundaries causes relationships to suffer. Boundaries exist, and they will affect us, whether we communicate them or not!

RESOURCES: Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life
HENRY CLOUD and JOHN TOWNSEND

Boundaries in Marriage
HENRY CLOUD and JOHN TOWNSEND

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Boundaries are not something you "set on" another person. Boundaries are about yourself !

Boundaries are not about an escape from suffering, nor an escape from responsibility

A boundary without consequence is nagging!

A boundary that is not communicated........ is a boundary that is not working

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Introduction
Two lives becoming one: That's the marriage ideal! But maybe you've discovered that it's easier said than done. In the process of knitting two people together, it's easy to tear the fabric. How do "two become one" without compromising their integrity, freedom, or truth? How do you work out conflict, establish healthy communication, solve problems and deal with the struggle of differing needs? True unity in marriage (spouse support) requires both parties to define and maintain their integrity as well as respect their mate's personal boundaries. Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. But, too often, we as Godly people focus so much on being loving and unselfish that we forget our own limitations. When confronted with our lack of boundaries we ask: Can I set limits and still be a loving person? What are legitimate boundaries? What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? Aren't boundaries selfish? Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries? Need to understand that boundaries protect your marriage relationship. What is a boundary? BOUNDARY = A personal property line that marks those things on your property for which you are responsible. Defines who we are and who we are not. Sets value on what is important us. What you would live and die for. Boundary loving spouse = takes ownership of problems/conflict and wants to work them out>
open to feedback confrontation doesn't bother them

Boundary resistant spouse = still under the ether and hasn't woke up yet / keeps hitting the snooze button. still trying to be single in a marriage relationship. won't cooperate > not open to feedback
uncomfortable with confrontation > clams up / won't discuss

When you think of maintaining your identity as an individual in a marriage relationship ---- Maintain "separate" but "one".

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Big Picture of Marriage

"Two shall become one"
A misguided conception that you gave up separate identities at the altar when you said, "I do". Marriage - not a place to get completed as a person / YOU MARRIED YOUR OPPOSITE! "Two" has evolved into something called "We". At the same time, "you" aren't "Them" > "You" can't control "Them"
> "They" are separate from "You".

* * Are a "We" but have to deal with the "I" * *

--------------RELATIONSHIP-------------

I
individual

<--------> WE <-------->
* * Maintain two individuals and still be "We" * *

I
individual

Boundaries are one

" I " telling the other "I" when they are not o.k.

Some are a "We" still wanting to be an "I". Some are married to "single people" (they are a "We" living like there's only one "I".) We can't be a good "WE" .....If I want you to be an extention of my "I". It takes two to create a bond. Maintain a sense of "I" and let you do the same........so there can be a "WE".

If "I" can diminish......we can be a "WE":

I <--------> WE
Two strong-willed individuals:

<-------->

I <-------->

WE

<-------->

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Good Samaritan
(Imagine how the story might read if he had been a Boundaryless person.)

You know the story. A man traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho was mugged. The robbers stripped him and beat him, leaving him for dead. A priest and a Levite passed by on the other side of the road, ignoring the hurt man, but a Samaritan took pity on him, bandaged his wounds, brought him to an inn, and took care of him. The next day, the Samaritan gave the innkeeper some money and said, "Look after him. When I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have." Let's depart from the familiar story here. Suppose the injured man wakes up at this point in the story and says: "What? You're leaving me?" "Yes, I am. I have some business in Jericho I have to attend to," the Samaritan replies. "Don't you think you are being selfish? I'm in petty bad shape here. I'm going to need someone to talk to. How is Jesus going to use you as an example? You're not even acting like a Christian, abandoning me like this in my time of need! Whatever happened to "Deny yourself'?" "Why, I guess you're right," the Samaritan says. "That would be uncaring of me to leave you here alone. I should do more. I will postpone my trip for a few days." So he stays with the man for three days, talking to him and making sure that he is happy and content. On the afternoon of the third day, there's a knock at the door and a messenger comes in. He hands the Samaritan a message from his business contacts in Jericho: "Waited as long as we could. Have decided to sell camels to another party. Our next herd will be here in six months." "How could you do this to me? the Samaritan screams at the recovering man, waving the message in the air. "Look what you've done now! You've caused me to lose those camels that I needed for my business. Now I can't deliver my goods. This may put me out of business! How could you do this to me?" At some level this story may be familiar to all of us. We may be moved with compassion to give to someone in need, but then this person manipulates us into giving more than we want to give. We end up resentful and angry, having missed something we needed in our own life. Or, we may want more from someone else, and we pressure them until they give in. They give not out of their heart and free will, but out of compliance, and they resent us for what they give. Neither one of us comes out ahead. To avoid these scenarios, we need to look at what falls within our boundaries, what we are responsible for.