The Alarm for All

by Natalie Ha

WORD COUNT CHARACTER COUNT

1069 5069

TIME SUBMITTED PAPER ID

18-SEP-2012 06:50AM 268214574

3 Thesis

7 8

9 10

11

12 13

GRADEMARK REPORT FINAL GRADE GENERAL COMMENTS Natalie, Strengths: Good sense of organization and moving from one idea to the next.

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Look again at paragraph 3; that is your strongest paragraph because that is where you really use the text to substantiate your ideas. I believe the biggest obstacle is for you to shore up your thesis so that it is a result of what the TEXT has told YOU on the close read RATHER than what you are demanding of the passage. You do clearly understand that the syntax (use of excessive exclamation marks) is influencing the mood here. That's a great point! But you should have textual evidence to show it.

A voice comment was left for this paper.

1. a specific 2. a message 3. Your claim that REPRESSION can lead to .. . . can be substantiated by the whole short story, but not necessarily by this passage. Thesis Thesis needs work:<br>The thesis is the central idea of your paper around which all your evidence and claims are organized. Every single paragraph should be dedicated in a clear way to proving your thesis. In your essay, the thesis should be stated as quickly and as clearly as possible. In fact, many teachers will expect your thesis statement to appear in the last sentence of your essay's first paragraph. A vivid thesis statement will announce the steps of its argument, not just provide a flat statement of the essay's ultimate goal. Think of the thesis as a roadmap that gives directions to your reader rather than as a picture of your final destination. 4. short story 5. First point? Strikethrough. 7 . All of these sentences are essentially saying the same thing without once using the text as evidence or support. You should delete or streamline much of this and then go to the text and pull what you need as evidence. 8. How can you prove this?
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9. This is a much better paragraph! Clear support and use of text. 10. punctuation 11. Yes! Great observation! Now, include either data/statistics or actually sentences to show this to be true. 12. Has this aspect of the story come to light in this passage? If not, it is best to stick to what the passage has given you! 13. dependent upon
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RUBRIC: CCSS 11TH-12TH GRADE ARGUMENT CLAIM (20%) The text introduces a clear, arguable claim that can be supported by reasons and evidence.
EXCEPTIONAL (5) SKILLED (4) PROFICIENT (3) DEVELOPING (2) INADEQUATE (1)

2.20 / 5 2/5

The text introduces a compelling claim that is clearly arguable and takes a purposeful position on an issue. The text has a structure and organization that is carefully crafted to support the claim. The text introduces a precise claim that is clearly arguable and takes an identifiable position on an issue. The text has an effective structure and organization that is aligned with the claim. The text introduces a claim that is arguable and takes a position. The text has a structure and organization that is aligned with the claim. The text contains an unclear or emerging claim that suggests a vague position. The text attempts a structure and organization to support the position. The text contains an unidentifiable claim or vague position. The text has limited structure and organization. 1/5

DEVELOPMENT (20%)

The text provides sufficient data and evidence to back up the claim while pointing out the strengths and limitations of both the claim and counterclaim. The text provides a conclusion that supports the argument.
EXCEPTIONAL (5) SKILLED (4) PROFICIENT (3) DEVELOPING (2) INADEQUATE (1)

The text provides convincing and relevant data and evidence to back up the claim and skillfully addresses counterclaims. The conclusion effectively strengthens the claim and evidence. The text provides sufficient and relevant data and evidence to back up the claim and fairly addresses counterclaims. The conclusion effectively reinforces the claim and evidence. The text provides data and evidence to back up the claim and addresses counterclaims. The conclusion ties to the claim and evidence. The text provides data and evidence that attempt to back up the claim and unclearly addresses counterclaims or lacks counterclaims. The conclusion merely restates the position. The text contains limited data and evidence related to the claim and counterclaims or lacks counterclaims. The text may fail to conclude the argument or position. 3/5

AUDIENCE (20%)

The text anticipates the audiences knowledge level, concerns, values, and possible biases about the claim. The text addresses the specific needs of the audience.
EXCEPTIONAL (5) SKILLED (4) PROFICIENT (3) DEVELOPING (2) INADEQUATE (1)

The text consistently addresses the audiences knowledge level, concerns, values, and possible biases about the claim. The text addresses the specific needs of the audience. The text anticipates the audiences knowledge level, concerns, values, and possible biases about the claim. The text addresses the specific needs of the audience. The text considers the audiences knowledge level, concerns, values, and possible biases about the claim. The text addresses the needs of the audience. The text illustrates an inconsistent awareness of the audiences knowledge level and needs. The text lacks an awareness of the audiences knowledge level and needs.

COHESION (20%)

2/5

The text uses words, phrases, and clauses as well as varied syntax to link the major sections of the text, creates cohesion and clarifies the relationship between the claim and reasons, between reasons and evidence, and between claims and

counterclaims.
EXCEPTIONAL (5)

The text strategically uses words, phrases, and clauses as well as varied syntax to link the major sections of the text. The text explains the relationships between the claim and reasons as well as the evidence. The text strategically links the counterclaims to the claim. The text skillfully uses words, phrases, and clauses as well as varied syntax to link the major sections of the text. The text identifies the relationship between the claim and reasons as well as the evidence. The text effectively links the counterclaims to the claim. The text uses words, phrases, and clauses as well as varied syntax to link the major sections of the text. The text connects the claim and reasons. The text links the counterclaims to the claim. The text contains limited words, phrases, and clauses to link the major sections of the text. The text attempts to connect the claim and reasons. The text contains few, if any, words, phrases, and clauses to link the major sections of the text. The text does not connect the claims and reasons. 3/5

SKILLED (4)

PROFICIENT (3) DEVELOPING (2) INADEQUATE (1)

CONVENTIONS (20%) The text presents a formal, objective tone that demonstrates standard English conventions of usage and mechanics while attending to the norms of the discipline (i.e. MLA, APA, etc.).
EXCEPTIONAL (5)

The text presents an engaging, formal and objective tone. The text intentionally uses standard English conventions of usage and mechanics while attending to the norms of the discipline (i.e. MLA, APA, etc.). The text presents a formal, objective tone. The text demonstrates standard English conventions of usage and mechanics while attending to the norms of the discipline (i.e. MLA, APA, etc.). The text presents a formal tone. The text demonstrates standard English conventions of usage and mechanics while attending to the norms of the discipline (i.e. MLA, APA, etc.). The text illustrates a limited awareness of formal tone. The text demonstrates some accuracy in standard English conventions of usage and mechanics. The text illustrates a limited awareness of or inconsistent tone. The text demonstrates inaccuracy in standard English conventions of usage and mechanics.

SKILLED (4) PROFICIENT (3) DEVELOPING (2) INADEQUATE (1)