Domestic Abuse: The use of non-physical control tactics by male perpetrators on their female partners in intimate relationships.

This is an analysis of the use of non physical tactics in domestic abuse which will focus on the more covert, subtle and hidden tactics and behaviours used by male abusers to dominate and control their female partners.

Domestic Abuse is a pattern of behavior used by an individual to establish and maintain coercive control over his/her intimate partner.

Domestic Abuse is:

Any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those who are or have been intimate partners or family members . This can encompass, but is not limited to, the following types of abuse: psychological physical sexual financial emotional Controlling behaviour is: a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour. Coercive behaviour is: an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim. United Kingdom Home Office definition, September 2012

HEALTHY vs. ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS Every relationship has its ups and downs, clearly all of us occasionally behave abusively to those close to us, but there is a great difference between the occasional spontaneous outburst of bad behaviour in a healthy relationship and the one-sided systematic pattern that goes on in an abusive relationship. In a healthy relationship a person uses abuse on one-off occasions. You can predict that they will be caring, loving and respectful most of the time. But in an abusive relationship a person uses abuse and control often. You can predict that they will abuse you and that they will control you. Sometimes they are caring and loving. In a healthy relationship the person using psychologically abusive behaviours will be abusive sometimes.This person is willing to pull themselves back. They take responsibility for the harm theyve caused. They are willing to learn that means they are willing to be vulnerable. They are willing to grow and change that means the relationship is a work in progress. The relationship is a creative adventure. When that person is abusive their apology means something. Their apology means something because they take real steps to build equality. Their apology means something because their behaviours change. They are willing to empathise with the pain they have caused. They compromise. An abusers attitudes are destructive. The abuser might say they want to change but they do not. They might make efforts to change but revert. They might make a change but add another abusive or controlling behaviour to their repertoire. The abuser has a sense of safety, the victim lives with fear. To win, the abuser ensures the victims self-hood must be diminished on all levels. The abuser uses any tactic to achieve their aim. Therefore, many tactics appear to be contradictory. The only constant is the intention to establish their power and control.(1) In an abusive relationship, one partner has a secret agenda. This agenda may not be conscious and the perpetrator may believe that all he wants is a happy relationship, but deep inside he feels unhappy, inadequate and insecure. He wants to feel better about himself and he believes that in order to feel better he must be more of a man, stronger and more dominant. To make himself more of a man he believes that has to make his partner feel smaller, so he sets about a systematic process of breaking her down and making her smaller, weaker and less powerful than he is. This process within intimate relationships is known as domestic abuse, and is emphatically not a part of a healthy, non abusive relationship.

Can this be happening to me?

Red flags that theres a major problem become glaringly obvious when: all attempts at getting your partner to take responsibility for his behaviours fall on deaf ears he denies that hes done anything harmful he minimises your experience he turns the situation about face and blames you If this is the case, you need to listen to your gut instinct, admit to yourself that what you are experiencing is what you are experiencing! Otherwise youre in danger of making one excuse after another for your partners emotional unkindness and violation of trust. Youre in danger of staying in a relationship in which his behaviours get worse and worse over time, and the

long-term effects on you will get worse and worse. Stories from thousands of women show this to be true. Clare Murphy, Speak out Loud about Psychological Abuse, July 2012 (2) WHAT DEFINES DOMESTIC ABUSE What few people recognise is that the defining characteristic of domestic abuse is not whether or not it includes physical violence, or whether the signs of abuse are overt or obvious. What defines domestic abuse is that it is a pattern of behavior used by an individual to establish and maintain coercive control over his/her intimate partner. (3) In an abusive relationship: One person is determined to get their way. They use power and control to do so. They use a continuous pattern of behaviours over time. The behaviours are intended to dominate and to win. The behaviours are aimed at being right at all costs. (4) When most people think of domestic abuse they think of physical violence, of a man who slaps or kicks or punches his wife around. Almost everyone agrees that this is very wrong, that a woman who is being beaten by her partner should get out of the relationship and the man should be prosecuted. However, Growing evidence confirms that countless women live their lives suffering severe psychological and emotional abusewithout the accompanying broken bones and bruises. (5) Whilst it is easy to see the connection between domestic violence and bullying, few people are fully aware of the way in which physical violence in partner relationships is bound up with issues of power and control. Using violence, a man threatens, intimidates and trains his wife under a regime of ongoing tactics, stamping out all resistance until he has wiped out her sense of self to beyond the point of recognition. Violence does not have to be physical. Psychological and emotional violence are just as damaging, and in domestic abuse the key is not whether or not physical attacks take place, but whether the abuser is using power and control as part of a systematic process to dominate his partner. The UK government has recently widened the definition of domestic violence and abuse to include coercive control. The new definition now states: Any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality. This can encompass, but is not limited to, the following types of abuse: psychological physical sexual financial emotional

Controlling behaviour is: a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour. Coercive behaviour is: an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim. (6)

The hidden fact is that although domestic abuse does include physical violence, much more often it is psychological or emotional means that are used to subjugate the female partner, to keep her down, to crush her spirit, so that the male partner can feel bigger, stronger, more powerful and less afraid. It may seem that physical violence is far more serious, but there is strong evidence that psychological or emotional domestic abuse is actually more damaging in the long term. Lyn Shipway writes in Domestic Violence: A Handbook for Health Care Professionals that: It is (psychological) abuse that may lead to mental illness and attempts at self harm, including suicide attempts, and may never present in physical injury. (7) In some countries, including France and New Zealand, psychological abuse is a criminal offence. In the UK new legislation has been introduced to increase police and court powers to intervene in psychological domestic abuse situations. Although these are positive changes, unfortunately amongst the general public there is still very little recognition that psychological domestic abuse, which may not include physical violence, is a serious issue. 1 IN 4 WOMEN IN THE UK ARE VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC ABUSE Domestic abuse seems like something that happens to other people, but is actually extremely common. The British Crime Survey tells us that there are an estimated 1.2 million women who experience domestic abuse each year in the UK (8), with 1 in 4 having been the victim of domestic abuse at some time in their lives (9) - a quarter of all women in the UK. Domestic abuse is most frequently perpetrated by men on women. Last year for example statistics in Scotland showed that 81% of all reported incidents of domestic abuse involved a female victim and a male perpetrator. (10) PSYCHOLOGICAL DOMESTIC ABUSE IS HARD TO RECOGNISE It is often only in the accumulation of many, small, subtle and separate behaviours that domestic abuse can be identified, and on first examination, the description of the range of behaviours and tactics used by emotional abusers can come across like some sort of weird conspiracy theory. The behaviours are so subtly nuanced, so varying and, very often, so seemingly innocuous, that it is tempting to dismiss them as insignificant and harmless. However, the same, very specific and exact, list of tactics and behaviours are recognised by the police, the courts and the home office, as well as by womens aid organisations and healthcare and support services, as explicit indicators that domestic abuse is taking place. Numerous examples back this up and can easily be accessed online or via domestic abuse support services. (11) For women in abusive relationships in which there is no overt violence it is particularly hard to recognise that they are suffering domestic abuse. Many women try to make sense of their male partners behaviours by assuming he must only be acting in just and fair ways. So, if she feels harmed by something he says or does she will let him know, discuss it with him, seek change on his part. But if he says he did nothing wrong, that its all in her head, that she provoked it, or that it is her behaviours that are the problem, then she will go away and contemplate what it was in her own character or behaviour that caused him to harm her. Over time she will develop the belief that theres something wrong with her, that shes not good enough, that shes not worthy. If she believes in a just world she will find it extremely

difficult to believe her partner is as horrible as his behaviours seem. So she will blame herself and redouble her efforts to be the good wife. (12) It is vital that women in a relationship who suspect that they ay not be receiving just and fair treatment do not ignore their misgivings. Disbelief is a common reaction when a woman begins to consider the possibility that her partner may be a domestic abuser. She naturally assumes her partner loves her and, if his abuse is of the subtle, manipulative kind, she will find it hard to put her finger on exactly what is wrong. He may not fit the stereotyped profile of a male abuser as aggressive, violent, overtly threatening and intimidating, he may be at the centre of a close knit family and have a strong social network. He may intersperse his subtle abuse with honeymoon periods during which he appears to be the perfect loving partner. The general consensus may be that the label of domestic abuse is not appropriate without beatings and violence, or at least swearing and threats, and under these conditions she is very likely to ignore her niggling doubts. The fact is that a womans gut instincts about her partner are more likely than not to be right. Domestic abuse is so common as to be an all pervasive social phenomenon of devastating proportions. Male perpetrators of domestic abuse are not rare monsters, but fathers, husbands and brothers who make up a substantial proportion of every section of our society. The urge to dominate, control and oppress others is an ugly but undeniable part of human nature. Governments, police and the military use tactics such as torture, terror, scapegoating and miscarriages of justice. Bullying goes on in the school playground and in the workplace and domestic abuse goes on in intimate relationships. Domestic abuse reaches right across cultural, class and geographical boundaries. Variables such as ethnicity, social class, educational attainment, career path or the lack of it, religiosity, age or self-confidence do not in any way act as indicators of whether a woman is more likely to experience (domestic abuse) or not. (13) Unlike the bruises and scars left by physical domestic abuse, psychological domestic abuse tends to be hidden. It encompasses a range of behaviours which demonstrate covert, coercive, manipulative intentions masked by innocent sounding communication,...designed to confuse and keep the victim from guessing the perpetrators true aim. (14) Sometimes the tactics and behaviors are more obvious and overt, such as name calling (bitch, slut) shouting and swearing, locking her in a room, refusing to let her use the phone, forbidding her from working etc. But very often psychological abuse tactics are subtle and manipulative. This makes it extremely hard to identify, especially for the victim, as the last thing she wants to consider is that the love of her life could be systematically trying to destroy her. For many reasons, the victim of an abusive partner may be unable to believe that their partner could be capable of behaving in such a destructive and cruel way. Most abusers have learned how to bounce between attacking and retreating, keeping their victims off balance, undermining and lowering their self esteem.(15) Therefore: Victims too often miss the signs of emotional abuse, even though they are always there. (16) Also, because women in abusive relationships have had their self esteem and self belief eroded, they no longer trust their own instincts or judgment. Furthermore, women in our society are socialised to accept more responsibility for solving relationship issues, and for building up and supporting the male partners ego. This means the victim is far more likely to question herself and try to change or adapt her own behaviour than to put the blame on him. If she is unhappy she thinks it must be her fault. If he is unhappy she thinks it must be her fault, or at least her

responsibility to make him happy. Or he denies that he is unhappy or that there is anything to be unhappy about. If there are problems in the relationship he denies them, or tells them they are her fault, and over time she comes to believe in his version of reality. His version of reality is skewed and distorted, and is the creation of a damaged and destructive soul. The more she comes to believe it, the more the victim feels shes a failure, feels debased and disempowered, but she cannot put her finger on exactly what it is that is making her feel like this. The abuser tells her its her imagination, shes disturbed, depressed, has repressed anger or other issues, that shes got it all wrong and that everything is hunkydory. He will intersperse his persecution tactics with periods of happy calm benevolence which throw her off guard and make her hope and pray the bad times might be over, or wonder if they ever really happened. WHY DO MEN ABUSE THEIR PARTNERS? It is difficult for a woman to understand why her male partner, who she loves and trusts, might want to behave abusively to her, but there are a lot of reasons for men to feel driven to act in this way towards women, some of them stem from childhood experiences and family upbringing and others from gender, social and cultural norms and expectations. Many men who psychologically abuse and control their female partners do not (recognise) their behaviour as cruel or abusive. This is partly because their behaviours make perfect sense when viewed from their socially reinforced belief system. Family violence, including nonphysical control tactics, are motivated by beliefs based on mens sense of masculinity, their gender as a man that is, the ways men have learned that they should behave in relationships. (17) Abusers are psychologically and emotionally immature and may have been the victim of, or witnessed, an abusive relationship during childhood. They tend to lack self-confidence and have low self-esteem. Because the abuser suffers from internal discomfort and conflicts they dont know how to address, no amount of logic, submissiveness or kindness will be enough to compensate for or satisfy their insecurities. They are not seeking to understand or respect others because they do not fully understand or respect themselves. They hide from their own weaknesses by trying to make others weak. They cant control their own emotions, so they look to control others. While they may have some positive qualities, they hold toxic and unrealistic expectations which cannot be met. Those who try to meet these expectations will end up feeling like a failure because it is a game they cannot win. (18)

How do I know if I am in an abusive relationship?

Here are some questions for women who are in a relationship with a man. Can you answer yes to these questions? I trust this man 100% He respects me totally without a doubt Hes always honest and truthful with me I feel completely safe to be honest with him He definitely respects my privacy I feel totally free to be myself round him anywhere anytime I adamantly feel safe with him always Be honest with yourself. If you answered no to these questions it is very probable you are with a man that is engaged in a slow process of gaining more and more emotional control over you and your life. (19)

WHAT TACTICS DO MALE ABUSERS USE? Common tactics and behaviors used by male partners in psychological abuse may be more obvious and overt, such as threats of physical violence, swearing, yelling, smashing things during an argument, reckless driving, destroying her property, forbidding or otherwise preventing her from having access to social contact, or use of the phone or car, locking her in/out of the house or refusing her money/food/medicine. This type of abuse can also include so called 'honour based violence, female genital mutilation and forced marriage. More subtle and covert tactics and behaviours include (but are not limited to): 1. Verbal Abuse, which may include aggressive actions such as name-calling, blaming, ridicule, disrespect, and criticism, but there are also less obviously aggressive forms of verbal abuse. Statements that may seem benign on the surface can be thinly veiled attempts to humiliate, falsely accuse or manipulate (her) to submit to undesirable behavior, make (her) feel unwanted and unloved, threaten (her) economically, or isolate victims from support systems. (20) Verbal abuse can include making slights or digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner, allowing the abuser to say he was just kidding while still being abusive.(21) 2. Mind Games. Mind Games are deliberate attempts to psychologically manipulate someone. They are covert, coercive, manipulative intentions masked by innocent sounding communication,..designed to confuse and keep the victim from guessing the perpetrators true aim. Mind Games are an attempt to indoctrinate someone into believing they are the guilty party. Mind Games are especially powerful when the victim totally trusts the perpetrator and believes both their roles in the relationship are well defined and socially normal. Mind Games entail brainwashing a notion that we usually associate with cults or terrorist hostage tactics. Abusers brainwash their partner when they appeal to her instinct and desire to care for him by saying, If you really love me youd do what I want. This gets confusing when you love and trust your partner. But he is slowly one tactic at a time oppressing and controlling. Its insidious and it can take years to see, and to realise this is a pattern. Brainwashing, guilt trips and confusion lead to exhaustion, which can make women more susceptible to believing some of the denigrating and manipulative language their partners use against them. Some women are led to identify more and more with the abuser, whilst others are able to maintain morsels of a sense of themselves of their own thoughts and beliefs. (22) 3. Possessive jealousy used as excuse for deliberate emotional unkindness He may question the victim about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting and having affairs or become jealous of her time spent with others. This creates isolation too. Karen said Felixs jealousy started really really soon after I met him. If I met somebody, gave them a peck on the cheek, all hell would break loose, thered be two or three days of absolute hell. So I learnt not to express any affection to anybody, not to look at anybody. I started dancing, he basically just came and got me, grabbed me by the arm, put a nice smile on his face and started to escort me away, pushed me into the car, and on the way home

threw me out of the car. I had to walk well over an hour home in the middle of the night in winter wearing high-heeled shoes . He didnt come back and get me. Just little things like that made me really careful not to fuck up.(23) 4. Intimidation He may use looks, words or gestures to make her afraid, breaking things, damaging her property, driving recklessly, shouting, making threats e.g. Its all over. 5. Isolation Moving home frequently making it hard for her to put down roots, finding ways to insist she spends all her free time with him, smear tactics about her or overt put downs/subtle criticisms about her or her friends and family, to discourage contact, to isolate her, making it feel easier for her to be alone, using jealousy as justification to make her avoid contact, making scenes in public, finding ways to make social contact difficult for her e.g. hiding/disabling her phone, causing a breach with her friends and/or family. Preventing her travelling or restricting her independence e.g. by leaving her with a near-empty fuel tank (24) or hiding or destroying important papers e.g. passports, driving licence. (25) 6. Controlling Making all the big decisions where to live, when to move, when and where to travel, whether to attend important events. Controlling finances - making her ask for money, doling out the money according to his agenda, not including her in financial plans or decisions. 7. Setting up strict gender roles He as breadwinner and king of the castle, she as homemaker, the little woman and servant, he has old fashioned values she should take his name, sign his name first. 8. Emotional unkindness Degrading making her responsible for the heavy physical tasks and the dirty jobs, demeaning her with cruel comments, making fun of her. Neglect not helping when she is ill or overtired, refusing to comfort her if she is upset, withholding sex or physical contact, always putting her needs or desires last. Emotional dishonesty - making promises and then breaking them, denying the validity of her feelings, denying anything is wrong, denying responsibility, pretending to understand concerns and then disregarding them. Punishing - for having fun, acting independent, being happy by giving her the cold shoulder, playing the silent game when he doesnt get his way, sulking, creating an unpleasant scene, humiliating or embarrassing her, or taking away privileges. Denying responsibility - An abusive man doesnt think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? He does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances. Wont admit when he misbehaves, wont apologise except if he sees no alternative. Creating unrealistic expectations - making her take on too much e.g. total responsibility for the household management or a large project, its up to her to make the relationship work and to make sure he is happy. Minimizing making light of her feelings, denying she has a reason to be upset, putting down her accomplishments, trivialising her contributions including financial. Stonewalling - refusing to discuss things, refusing to listen. 9. Mood swings He changes tactics from cold and withdrawn to bullying and abusive and back to kind and loving after the abuse has occurred, all according to his timetable.

Jekyll and Hyde he intersperses the bad times with periods of happy, calm good times, switches from warm and loving to blaming and the silent treatment, belittling and bullying. (this is called the Cycle of Abuse, and it is a recognised part of the pattern of Domestic Abuse). 10. Denying responsibility Blaming abuse on his childhood or outside circumstances (stress at work etc) Diversion tactics - changing the subject, accusing and blaming her or others, inappropriate emotional outbursts to divert attention, saying its her fault, making her feel she is responsible for changing him. Poor me. 11. Physical intimidation this may include pushing, shoving, spitting, hugging too hard so it hurts, picking her up and moving her from one place to another all of which may be carried out under the guise of jesting and joking, or passed off as accidental. Finally, if the victim tries to end the relationship, she is likely to fall prey to Separation Abuse. The tactics of Separation Abuse range from tearful pleading, showering with gifts and swearing he will turn over a new leaf, to stalking, harassment, threats, damage to property and even if it has never happened before physical violence. If there are children involved it will make things much more difficult, as a clean break with the abuser with no further contact will be impossible. At the separation stage the victim needs to prioritise her safety at all times and it is best for her to avoid being alone with the abuser. In domestic abuse situations the switch from one tactic to another is called the Cycle of Abuse, which describes the process whereby abusive relationships are characterised by a predictable repetitious pattern of abuse with 4 distinct phases. The Reconciliation or Honeymoon phase is characterised by affection, apology, or, alternatively, ignoring the incident. This phase marks an apparent end of abuse, with assurances that it will never happen again, or that the abuser will do his or her best to change. During this stage the abuser feels overwhelming feelings of remorse and sadness, or at least pretends to. Some abusers walk away from the situation with little comment, but most will eventually shower the survivor with love and affection. (26) In order to get his own way the abuser switches tactics, refuses to accept her argument or pretends to accept it then disregards it and comes at it from a different angle promises, enticements, threats, stalling, stonewalling the full range of behaviours can be employed just to break down her resistance in order to win a single point and get his own way. This can happen over big issues like where they should live and over small issues like choosing a gift. The issue is not important. What is important is winning, always, and at any cost to her. Winning is his sole aim.

Another tactic he will use is to make her feel sorry for him. She will try to protect him from his vulnerabilities and assuage his insecurities. He will play on her sympathy and motherly concern so that she makes it her priority to help, comfort and reassure him. She will find herself always putting him first, always at her own expense, because that is what he expects and demands of her. More and more he will use his strategies to undermine her sense of self and increasingly she will feel that she cannot manage without him. This toxic mix of emotions and behaviour gradually results in the erosion of belief in her ability to function or survive outside of the abusive relationship. (27)

Does this describe you? Do you:

Feel overwhelming pity for him and want to protect him from his vulnerabilities, even if that means diminishing your self to make him feel bigger, or covering up for his abuse? Find yourself accepting his version of events, even though your memory tells you this is simply not what happened? Excuse his inexcusable behaviour on the grounds that it was an accident, or you must have imagined it? Apologise for something when you were sure you hadnt done anything wrong? Apologise when you are sure you are actually the wronged party? Wonder if youre going crazy, if you are imbalanced or depressive, otherwise why are you so unhappy when your partner says nothing is wrong? If you recognise these behaviours and tactics you are in an abusive relationship. Acknowledge it is happening and that it is serious. Get help and support as a matter of urgent priority from someone you trust, or contact a support agency. HOW CAN VICTIMS GET SUPPORT? Once she has looked at the tactics and behaviours of domestic abuse, ideally the victim needs to be able to check out her impressions with somebody she trusts. Unfortunately her friends and family may not recognise that her partner is behaving abusively. He will probably behave differently in public and they will think he is charming, or at least decent and well meaning. The subtlety of the abuse will escape most people and, of course, his friends and family will not want to believe it. The abuser will use smear tactics to try to isolate the victim, slyly suggesting that the victim may be depressive and difficult, that he has his hands full and is doing his best to help her. As well as maligning the victim to try to undermine her support, the abuser will work to create mistrust of those closest to her, and make her question the validity of her outside relationships, suggesting perhaps that she is overly dependent on her family, or that friends are a bad influence. He will do this by misapportioning blame, criticising and making sly comments, often in a joking manner, about her friends and family. He will also tell her that their relationship issues are secret and private and not to be talked about with anybody else, no matter how far things go between them. If he does act out in front of others very often they will feel that they should not get involved. Most people still believe that it is wrong to interfere in domestic arguments between a wife and husband unless they involve physical violence, and are not aware that psychological abuse is, like physical violence, a situation when supportive intervention is absolutely crucial. Any woman who is the victim of psychological abuse is in danger. This is not an overstatement. This process of the systematic diminishment of another (28) has been described as a form of slow soul murder, a crushing of the spirit, which can lead to Post Traumatic Stress syndrome, Stockholm syndrome, mental and physical illness, suicide and even murder. Until the victim begins to find the strength to face what is happening to her, her friends and family are limited in what they can do to help her. She will be in denial, terrified of having to end her relationship, and will not want to listen to any criticisms of her partner. Whilst she is in denial the best support that friends and family can offer is to be there, to refuse to back out, and to keep on letting her know, with words and with actions, that she is loved, cherished and valued. It is very important that friends and family continue to do this -

no matter how hard the abuser, sometimes with the active collusion of his victim, may try to provoke estrangement or a breach. Women in abusive relationships are in very real danger dont abandon her. WHAT ARE THE EFFECTS OF DOMESTIC ABUSE? There is clear evidence that psychological abuse over time results in the victims loss of her sense of self and increasing withdrawal, as well as worsening depressive symptoms, insomnia, dangerous drink/drug use, and suicidal thoughts or attempts. Victims may also find themselves trying to do anything possible to try to bring the relationship back to the way it was before the abuse. Physical symptoms can appear ranging from unexplained pain to asthma and other stress triggered ailments.

Do you notice any of the effects listed below in yourself?

In the short term: Surprise and confusion Questioning of one's own memory, "did that really happen?" Anxiety or fear; hypervigilence Shame or guilt Aggression (as a defense to the abuse) Becoming overly passive or compliant Frequent crying Avoidance of eye contact Feeling powerless and defeated as nothing you do ever seems to be right (learned helplessness) Feeling like you're "walking on eggshells" Feeling like you put on a mask in public Feeling manipulated, used and controlled Feeling undesirable In the long term: Depression Withdrawal Low self-esteem and self-worth Emotional instability Sleep disturbances Physical pain without cause Suicidal ideation, thoughts or attempts Extreme dependence on the abuser Underachievement Inability to trust Feeling trapped and alone Substance abuse Collusion with the abuser hiding or abetting the abuse This latter point is typical of a condition known as Stockholm syndrome which is more commonly associated with hostages in captive situations but is also common in long-term abuse situations. In Stockholm syndrome the victim is so dominated by the abuser that she overly identifies and becomes bonded with the abuser in an attempt to stop the abuse. The victim will defend her abuser and his abusive actions. (29)

If you notice these effects becoming manifest in you, you are experiencing domestic abuse and are being systematically broken down into submission by the abusive tactics of your partner. As victims are slowly, steadily and stealthily brainwashed to believe their abusers version of events, many are unable to recognise that what they are experiencing is unjust and undeserved. The victim will be isolated, it will be difficult for her to find a way to check out whether her feelings, anger and fear about the way she is treated have any actual basis in reality, and of course she will want with her heart and soul to believe that it is all in her imagination, and that her partner is the loving helpmeet that he says he is. The abuser will gradually convince her that she is worthless, or crazy, or depressive, or imagining it, or simply not good enough, and that their relationship is the best thing - by far that she has going for her. Using a pattern of persistent and repeated behaviours and tactics, he will gradually beat her down into submission to his will and submersion in his distorted world view. Once he has got her in this position it will take a lot of courage and resilience for her to break free. Without a stroke of luck or an intervention of some kind the abuse can go on, unchecked and inevitably escalating, for years. However there is some hope. If the abuser steps too far out of line in an overt and public way, this can provide the necessary wake up call. Even without a dramatic act like this, in many cases sooner or later the seeds of doubt are sown in the victims mind so that gradually, as the incidents are repeated and the abuse escalates, she might start to be willing to consider whether what is going on in this relationship is normal and healthy or whether there a serious problem which needs to be addressed. It is at this point that some practical support can be offered and some information about the common tactics and behaviours of psychological abuse can be useful. If the victim can recognise her own situation in these descriptions it may water the seeds of doubt and allow her to start questioning the relationship and registering the injustice of the treatment she is receiving from her partner.

HOW TO STOP THE ABUSE If a woman reaches the point where she begins to see the correspondence between her partners behaviour and the hallmarks of psychological abuse, she will have taken the first and the most important step towards stopping the abuse. It is at this point that friends, family, healthcare and legal professionals can offer help and support. It is important to remind her that the abuse is not going to stop or go away if she hides her head in the sand. Even though she may love her abuser, keeping the abuse hidden, denying it, will not help him either. He too is unhappy and unfulfilled, he too is suffering, and neither she nor he will find a way through the unhappiness as long as the two of them continue to pretend that the abuse is not taking place. One of the hardest things to realise is that one has little to no influence on making deep or lasting changes in the abuser. The only way for him to change is for him to face up to what he is doing, accept responsibility for his actions, and get to work on himself. He cannot do this until the victim faces up to what he is doing to her, so loving him is no excuse hiding from the truth is not love, and it is not supportive. In the end it will destroy them both. Women who have acknowledged that their relationship is abusive need to protect themselves. An abusive relationship is like a prison. The victim needs to admit what she is

suffering, and then take steps to protect herself, to stop the abuse from happening, and to help herself - and her partner - break free.

I think I am in an abusive relationship. What can I do to stop the abuse?

Whether you decide to stay or to end the relationship:1. Acknowledge that what is happening is happening! 2. Talk to a trusted friend or family member - keep it confidential from your abuser. 3. Get in touch with Domestic Abuse agencies and ask for support. 4. Set boundaries as to what behaviour you will and will not tolerate from your abuser. 5. Get informed find out about domestic abuse and how to protect yourself. 6. Find out about your rights legal, financial, custodial. Whatever you do, SAY NO TO FURTHER ABUSE. You do not deserve it. Victims can take a first step by setting up some basic boundaries as to what kind of behaviour and treatment they will or will not tolerate. Dr. Susan Forwards "Personal Bill of Rights" is a useful tool for this. It sets out the absolute minimum anyone should be asked to accept in terms of treatment from their partner, as follows: 1. The right to be treated with respect 2. The right not to take responsibility for anyone else's problems or bad behavior 3. The right to get angry 4. The right to say no 5. The right to make mistakes 6. The right to your own feelings, opinions and convictions 7. The right to change your mind or decide on a different course of action 8. The right to negotiate for change 9. The right to ask for emotional support or help 10. The right to protest unfair treatment or criticism (30) The next step is to get support. Confide in trusted friends and family who will guarantee your confidentiality. Consult womens agencies by phone and on the internet and, if possible, in person. Get informed about the phenomenon of domestic abuse, and find out about your options, including your legal rights. Finally, women survivors of psychological domestic abuse are going to feel guilt and shame and a sense of responsibility for the failure of their relationship. For those who are abused, it is important to remember, the abuse received has nothing to do with them. The actions of the abuser are not their fault. (31) Most survivors of abusive relationships say that in the end, when they finally find the strength to break the cycle and stop the abuse, they come out feeling stronger, wiser and more self realised than before the abuse ever started.

 FOR SUPPORT CONTACT Clare Murphy - Speak Out Loud about Psychological Abuse Website: www.speakoutloud.net Email: claremurphy@speakoutloud.net Telephone consultations are charged at NZ$120. Landline: +64-9-445 2885 Mobile: +64-211 801 343 End the Fear Greater Manchester against Domestic Abuse Website: www.endthefear.co.uk Tel. +44 161 636 7525 The Domestic Violence hotline (USA) Website: http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/am-i-being-abused-2/ Womens Aid (UK) Website: www.womensaid.org.uk

STAYING SAFE ON THE INTERNET If an abuser knows how to read your computers history or cache file (automatically saved web pages and graphics), they may be able to see information you have viewed recently on the internet. You can clear your history or empty your cache file in your browsers settings. To do this:1. Pull down Tools menu 2. Select Internet Options. 3. On General page, under Temporary Internet Files, click on Delete Files. 4. Under History click on Clear History.

All of the publications, websites and individuals consulted for this article are listed below:

1. United Kingdom Home Office Domestic Violence 2. Refuge Domestic Violence 3. Womens Aid against Domestic Violence 4. Metropolitan Police - Domestic Abuse 5. Speak Out Loud about Psychological Abuse 6. NHS Choices Domestic Violence 7. End the Fear - Greater Manchester against Domestic Abuse 8. Voice of Unity - Muslim Youth magazine 9. Domestic Violence Resource Center - Victoria 10. The Duluth Abuse Intervention Project 11. Hidden Hurt Domestic Abuse information 12. National Domestic Violence Hotline

13. Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service "Domestic Violence Policy", United Kingdom 14. BBC News Education Domestic Violence

APPENDICES
1. Signs of Emotional Abuse Abusers will tend to

Tell lies and half-truths to avoid having to explain their actions Accuse and blame to divert attention away from themselves Refuse to accept the perspective of others while irrationally defending their own positions Withhold information in areas affecting the lives of those they are abusing - it give them the control to manipulate future events. Avoid acknowledging the feelings of others, yet will often bring up how their emotions are being effected Slight or take digs in a non-aggressive or joking manner, allowing the abuser to say he was just kidding while still being abusive Change the subject to divert attention from themselves Make others feel worthless in an attempt to lower their self-esteem and bring them down to the level of the abuser. Threaten or hint of physical, mental or sexual abuse Deny anything is wrong (not being responsible and lying to self) Show inappropriate emotional out bursts (a form of distracting attention, confusing the abused or shifting blame) Try and control others to domineer and limit freedom or expression Forget commitments and promises. Deny success by placing unreasonable demands, unjustly singling out or constantly placing someone in the category of a loser. Take advantage of vulnerabilities using shame, guilt or fear The actions and promises are out of alignment. They say one thing and do another Only be nice when all other options have been removed, when they feel they are trapped into a corner Cut someone off so they are not allowed to speak. Suppressing self-expression. Look to eliminate the choices of others, while gathering control for themselves Ask inappropriate questions or make insinuating comments to evoke emotional responses Humiliate others in public situations to show their superiority Keep pushing buttons and activating places of sensitivity Pretend to understand concerns and then disregarding them Slander the name, reputation, associations or activities of those they cant control

http://www.designedthinking.com/the-signs-of-emotional-abuse/

2. How to Recognize a Verbally & Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Step 1 Learn to recognize the early warning signs of an abusive personality. Abusers tend to be quick to find fault with others, according to Dr. Steven Stosny, author and psychologist, and often unload their condemnation. Abusers also nurse resentments and cultivate a sense of entitlement that justifies every action they take, regardless of its effect on others. Step 2 Look for excessive jealousy and possessiveness. Jealousy is a primary characteristic of an abusive relationship, according to Recovery Web, a website devoted to healing from addiction and emotional trauma. An abuser will often portray himself as motivated by a desire to "protect" his partner. Excessive jealousy is characterized by frequent false allegations of infidelity or flirting. Step 3 Be alert to signs that your friend is being isolated by her partner. Emotional abusers often seek to isolate their partners from family and friends in order to maximize their influence. If a friend suddenly loses interest in seeing you or breaks off contact with you soon after entering a relationship, she may be getting emotionally abused. Step 4 In advanced stages, the victim may get "addicted" to her abuser and find herself unable to permanently break off the relationship despite the abuse she has suffered. Step 5 Watch for personality changes in your friend or loved one. Victims of psychological abuse suffer lowered self-esteem and are quick to blame themselves for things that aren't their fault, according to Stosny. They may also lie unnecessarily. http://www.livestrong.com/article/169924-how-to-recognize-a-verbally-emotionally-abusiverelationship/#ixzz2HUChvnJR

3. Verbal Abuse
Does your partner speak to you differently in private and in public? Do you often leave a discussion with your partner feeling completely confused? Does your partner deny being angry or upset when he/she very obviously is? Does your partner act as though you were attacking them when you try to explain your feelings? Does your partner discount your opinions or experiences? You feel as though no matter how hard you try, you just don't seem to be able to communicate your thoughts and feelings to your partner as he/she always seems to misunderstand you, and/or it always seems to cause an argument no matter how you try to approach the subject? Do you feel nervous or avoid discussing issues which disturb you with your partner because you 'know' that trying to discuss them will just leave you feeling even more upset? Do you feel as though your self-esteem and your self-confidence have decreased? Do you find yourself spending a lot of time working out either how not to upset your partner or wondering what you did or said which did upset your partner?

The above are just some indicators that verbal abuse may be an issue in your relationship. Some facts which generally apply to verbal abuse: Verbal abuse tends to be secretive, ie happens in private. Verbal abuse tends to increase over time, as both abuser and victim adapt to it. Verbal abuse discounts your perception of reality and denies itself. Verbal abuse is usually part of a pattern which is difficult to recognise and leaves us with a feeling of confusion and upset without really understanding why. Verbal abuse uses words (or silence) to gain and maintain control. From time to time we are all likely to say something which is nasty and abusive to our partner or our children. Usually when we realise that what we have said is hurtful, we feel sorry for the hurt we have caused and apologise. Verbal abusers are not likely to apologise, not because they don't realise that they have been hurtful, but because that is their aim. http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/verbal_abuse.html

4. Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man

We have broken down the top 10 signs of an abusive man. If your partner exhibits one or more of these signs, it may be time to reevaluate your relationship and seek help or get out. 1. Jealousy and PossessivenessBecomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Accuses you of cheating or flirting with other men without cause. Always asks where youve been and with whom in an accusatory manner. 2. ControlHe is overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention. He controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if woman begins showing signs of independence or strength. 3. SuperiorityHe is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be right by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves. 4. ManipulatesTells you youre crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that its your fault he is abusive. Says he cant help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to help him. Tells others you are unstable. 5. Mood SwingsHis mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred. 6. Actions dont match wordsHe breaks promises, says he loves you, and then abuses you. 7. Punishes youAn emotionally abusive man may withhold sex, emotional intimacy, or plays the silent game as punishment when he doesnt get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you. 8. Unwilling to seek help An abusive man doesnt think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? Does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances.

Via http://www.divinecaroline.com/22071/42869-top-10-signs-an-abusive#ixzz2HUFEvurj

5. About Domestic Violence

The following are tactics many batterers use: 1. Controlling Behavior A batterer may attribute his controlling behavior to concern for his partner (for example, his partners safety or decision-making skills). He may assume all control of finances or prevent his partner from coming and going as she wishes. 2. Unrealistic Expectations A batterer may expect his partner to meet all of his needs, to take care of everything for him emotionally or domestically. Isolation A batterer may isolate his victim by severing her ties to outside support and resources. The batterer may accuse others, such as the victims friends and family of being trouble-makers. He may block his partners access to a vehicle, work, or telephone service in the home. 3. Jealousy A batterer may equate jealousy with love. He may question the victim about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting and having affairs or become jealous of her time spent with others. This creates isolation too. 4. Blames Others for Problems A batterer may blame others for his shortcomings. He may blame the victim or potential victim for almost anything that goes wrong. 5. Blames Others for Feelings A batterer may use feelings to manipulate his victim. Common phrases to look for: Youre hurting me by not doing as I want, You control how I feel. 6. Verbal Abuse - A batterer may say things that are intended to be cruel and hurtful, curse or degrade his partner, or put down her accomplishments. 7. Rigid Sex Roles The victim, almost always a woman, will be expected to serve. For instance, a batterer may see women as inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship. 8. Dual Personality Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde Abusive behavior and moodiness, which can shift quickly to friendliness are typical of people who batter their partners. 9. Breaking or Striking Objects The batterer may break household items, punch holes in walls or kick doors to scare the victim. What is Abuse? Abuse is a pattern of hurtful behavior that one partner in an intimate relationship uses to control the other. It used to be believed that abuse was the result of one person becoming angry and losing control. Now we know that abuse is actually a way a person attempts to gain control over his partner. Abuse can take many forms. Examples of Abuse : (Please note that this list does not encompass all types or tactics of abuse but provides a variety of examples. Also, it is not necessary for you to identify with several of the examples in order to be in an unsafe situation.) Psychological/Emotional Abuse: Jokes, ignores feelings Withholding approval as punishment Puts down your roles or abilities Repeated insults, labeling Private humiliation Blaming you for the faults or circumstances of the abuser Degrading or controlling your choices (clothing, food etc.) Demanding of all attention Resentful of children Threats against the marriage/relationship Sends mixed signals Lack of cause and effect between actions and consequences Unpredictable consequences of actions Claims to forget abusive incidents or denies they occurred Questions your sense of reality or causes you to question your sense of reality Tells you that you are hysterical, paranoid, psychotic, mentally ill, suicidal/homicidal Threatens suicide

Social/Environmental Abuse: Uses gender myths and roles (society reinforces these) Degrades or uses culture, religion, nationality, profession, gender, and/or sexual orientation to maintain control Destroys/damages items belonging to you Controls major decisions Controls money/finances Falsely tells you that you are the one in control all of the time Tracks you or monitors your activities and/or whereabouts Denies your ability to work/gets you fired Limits your outside activities/social interactions Eliminates your support system, alienates your family/friends Physical Abuse: Throwing household items Grabbing, pushing, shoving, shaking, jerking, slapping, biting, pinching, bruising, hitting, punching, kicking, pulling hair Restraining you Deprivation (food, sleep, medical needs, etc.) Sexual Abuse: Sexual jokes or demeaning remarks toward your sex Name calling, sexual labels Criticizing/demeaning/questioning your sexuality Ignoring sexual needs Jealousy, assumes you will be with others sexually Humiliation Unwanted/forced touching or sexual acts Justification of unwanted sexual acts Labeling sexual abuse as consensual behavior Power & Control Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior used by an individual to establish and maintain coercive control over his/her intimate partner. Domestic violence consists of physical, sexual, psychological, and/or emotional abuse. Abusive partners often use certain tactics to control their victims. The tactics used are compounded when physical violence is also involved. Please note that this is not an exhaustive list of tactics and they do not apply to everyone. Also, please note that although the pronouns he/him/his are used to describe the abuser and the pronouns she/her/hers are used to describe the victim, there are no such gendered roles within the dynamics of domestic violence situations. Minimizing, Denying and Blaming Making light of the abuse Not taking her concerns seriously Denying that the abuse occurred Saying that she caused the abuse Blaming an outside event or situation for the abuse (loss of employment, drugs or alcohol, an argument, etc.) Intimidation Making her afraid by using looks, actions or gestures Smashing things Destroying property Destroying her personal belongings Hiding or destroying important papers (passports, ID cards, health care cards, etc.) Driving recklessly

Emotional Abuse Putting her down Making her feel bad about herself Making her think that she is crazy Playing mind games Humiliating her Making her feel guilty or responsible for the abuse Focusing on her insecurities, such as her weight or education level Lying to her Isolation Controlling what activities she is involved in Limiting who she sees and talks to Using jealousy to justify the isolation Isolating her from friends and family Using Male Privilege Treating her like a servant Making all of the decisions for the family Being the one to define both mens and womens roles Expecting to be treated with a level of respect that he does not return Economic Abuse Preventing her from getting or keeping a job Making her ask for money Giving her an allowance Making her account for every penny that she spends Not letting her have access to the family income Coercion and Threats Threatening to leave her Threatening to commit suicide Threatening to report her to the INS Promising that the abuse will never happen again Using Physical Violence Pushing Slapping Pulling hair Kicking Punching Grabbing Using weapons Not allowing her to sleep Not allowing her access to medicine or medical attention Not allowing her access to food http://www.dhfny.org/about_domestic_violence.html

6. A Bully Distorts Truth and Reality

A bully never lets the truth stand in his way. Instead, he manages the attitudes of others by creating his own reality.

A bully distorts truth and reality

- He misleads people by omitting key facts - He wants to preserve an appearance of integrity - He withholds significant information

A bully uses hearsay

- He quotes hearsay as important and authoritative - He uses hearsay to reinforce his position - He justifies his opinion by falsely claiming others think the same way - He uses half-truths to mislead others - He makes up lies if necessary

A bully suppresses the truth

- He misstates and belittles your viewpoint - He ask questions that demean you, then interrupts before you can fully respond - He changes the subject before you can correct his misstatements - He adds new false accusations faster than you can respond to old ones

A bully distorts the facts

- He distorts the reality of past events - He remembers a conversation differently than it occurred - He distorts the meaning of your words or actions

A bully creates a new reality

- He puts a positive spin on his behavior and intentions - He casts his behavior as reasonable and constructive - He casts the behavior of others as unreasonable and destructive

A Bully is Evasive
A bully can be very slippery as he avoids the truth at all costs.

A bully avoids the truth

- He never gives a straight answer - He acts confused by any complaint about his behavior - He minimizes his bad behavior and ignores his evil intentions - He justifies his bad behavior as needed to achieve positive goals - He characterizes his bad behavior as a valid leadership quality - He focuses on the past or future rather than dealing with his behavior - He refuses to clarify his rationale for his behavior - He denies he did something manipulative or harassing - He ignores facts that reveal his dark side - He explains his verbal attacks as "only kidding"

A bully shifts the focus to others

- He says the problem is with others - He acts like he is the one who is being victimized - He makes you feel guilty for hurting him - He accuses you of behavior that was far worse than his - He says you caused his bad behavior - He criticizes others to avoid discussing his behavior

- He says the only problem is with your lack of understanding - He says you don't understand the situation - He says you don't understand him - He is harsh in attacking you: "You don't get it, do you?" - He accuses you of being defensive or overly sensitive

A bully is never honest and constructive

- He is never straightforward - He never makes an effort to fix relationships by changing his behavior - He never tells you his hidden agenda - He never reveals his innermost desires - He avoids direct confrontation with you - He won't surface a conflict with you and resolve it openly - He becomes angry and indignant when confronted http://www.kickbully.com/page1e6.html

FOOTNOTES

All of the quotes or direct refernces used in this article are numbered below 1. www.speakoutloud.net 2. www.speakoutloud.net 3. http://www.dhfny.org/about_domestic_violence.html 4. http://www.dhfny.org/about_domestic_violence.html Domestic Violence: A Handbook for Health Care Professionals By Lyn Shipway, 2004 5. http://www.homeoffice.gov.uk/crime/violence-against-women-girls/domesticviolence/ Domestic Violence: A Handbook for Health Care Professionals By Lyn Shipway, 2004 Domestic Violence: A Handbook for Health Care Professionals By Lyn Shipway, 2004 Domestic Violence: A Handbook for Health Care Professionals By Lyn Shipway, 2004 http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-19640257????????? 6. EXAMPLES OF TACTICS LISTS see appendix 7. www.speakoutloud.net 8. http://www.voiceofunity.com/domestic-violence-against-women-dispelling-mythsand-misconceptions ??? 9. www.speakoutloud.net 10. http://www.designedthinking.com/the-signs-of-emotional-abuse/ 11. http://www.designedthinking.com/the-signs-of-emotional-abuse/ 12. www.speakoutloud.net 13. lauradutoit.hubpages.com 14. www.speakoutloud.net 15. www.speakoutloud.net 16. http://www.designedthinking.com/the-signs-of-emotional-abuse/ 17. www.speakoutloud.net 18. www.speakoutloud.net 19. http://clatsopduck.awardspace.co.uk/events.html 20. http://www.dhfny.org/about_domestic_violence.html 21. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse 22. http://www.voiceofunity.com/domestic-violence-against-women-dispelling-mythsand-misconceptions 23. Vachss, Andrew. 1994. "You Carry the Cure In Your Own Heart." Parade, 28 August 1994 24. www.healthyplace.com/.../effects-of-emotional-abuse 25. www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/links.html 26. http://www.designedthinking.com/the-signs-of-emotional-abuse/