COUCH POTATOES by Chloe Hill

Revision by Madeleine Grossi, 02/11/12

FADE IN: INT. LIVING ROOM Close up: A strange, green hand snatches up a crisp from a value-size bag of McCainnibals Flame Grilled and stuffs it greedily into his mouth. Continuous rustling and crunching sounds fall on the room. Pull out to show SPUD and TATTY - an overweight, unattractive potato couple with short, stumpy legs and sprouts for hands, topped with staring googly eyes. The room is dark, illuminated only by the light of a TV set. The potatoes sit, sinking into a blue couch, framed by empty boxes of snack food and drink cartons. SPUD continues to crunch accompanied by TATTYS sugar drink slurping. Its evident that the pair havent shifted for hours. The TV blares the familiar sounds of a game show. TATTY turns to SPUD to express her latest insight. They converse in their own mumbling, burping and wholly indistinguishable language. TATTY RURURUGAURCHOORURAH. BUH SPUD

They turn eagerly back to the screen. The game show is wrapping up, signified by the closing theme. PRESENTER (in BBC English) Now making a splash in the kitchen, its Chef Renzo, up next. The next programme comes on: Mouthfuls in Minutes. A sleazy music track lines the opening titles. CHEF RENZO Im Renzo Marino about to show you how to make delicious Mouthfuls in Minutes. TATTY and SPUD stay firmly leering at the screen. TATTY slurps. Back to the TV - The chef drops a chrome bowl of potatoes on the counter and SLAMS down a chopping board. He picks up a knife and licks it. The first potato is chosen victim.

2. Unblinkingly CHEF RENZOs eyes remain on the camera, whilst he raises the knife with a sadistic smile. TATTY nudges SPUD worriedly. TATTY SPUDSPUD. BLEBLEO. SPUD hushes her and takes another crisp. CHEF RENZO cuts into his first victim. CHEF RENZO Haaummm hm hmmm. Hehe. TATTY frantically elbows SPUD. GABBANANAN TATTY

SPUD starts to develop a distaste for the programme and casts a look of disdain. SPUD 1UHHHRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHPFFFT He feels around for the remote, but cant find it. TATTY is increasingly frantic. DOBDOBGUB? SPUD (CONTD)

TATTYs eyes are glued to the screen with morbid curiosity. Absentmindedly she picks the remote up from beside her and passes it to him. SPUD (CONTD) (impatiently)

GUH.

Cut to TV: CHEF RENZO is half way through sadistically chopping the potato. TATTY squeals a pig squeal. SPUD hammers away at the remote trying to change the channel. It isnt working and he gets more and more worked up. TATTY urgently prods and wails at him only to frustrate him further. He stretches for an empty chip box and hurls it at the TV his throw is weak and it drops meagerly to the floor . He angrily scoops the rubbish around him, turning it into makeshift ammunition. The intent: stop the TV. TATTY whimpers into her cup. Cut to TV: Taunting the couple, CHEF RENZO delicately begins to drop the potatoes into boiling water, maintaining his stare and menacing smile.

3. TATTY WHAAWHAA. NAA. SPUD YUBYUBYUBHO? YOMAN? SPUD reluctantly reaches behind the sofa and grabs a pristine broom - loosely prodding it in the direction of the off button. Cut to TV: CHEF RENZO, now with a leg up on the table transfers the drained potatoes to a pan of oil. TATTY covers her eyes. Mortified, SPUD drops his broom, and desperately fumbles down the side of the sofa for his gun. BLAM! He fires a shot at the top of the TV. Success! The screen cuts out. The couple breathe a unanimous sigh of relief. The bullet ricochets off the TV up to the ceiling. We hear a gradual crack growing. CRASH! The upstairs TV crushes SPUD into a pile of mashed potato. With a WHIR, the fallen TV comes to life. Instinctively drawn towards the noise, TATTY turns to face it. She remains unaffected by the corpse beside her. Close up: TATTY resumes her normal, hypnotic routine. She picks up her drink and slurps loudly.

FADE OUT.