MERGING CONFLICTING IDENTITIES

Merging conflicting identities: The struggle of Gay Orthodox Jewish men and women Michal Bick University of California Santa Cruz Psych 119M Winter 2010

MERGING CONFLICTING IDENTITIES In traditional Judaism, the predominant view on homosexuality is that it is an abomination penalized by death (Leviticus 18:22; Ariel, 2007). Followed most strictly

by Orthodox Jews, this assertion stems from the need to guarantee the preservation of the Jewish race (Coyle & Rafalin, 2000). As a result, religious Jewish gays and lesbians live with a conflicting image and identity; (i.e., If I am gay, how can I also be a practicing, religious Jew?) According to Erik Erikson (1968), this is referred to as an identity crisis. Since Secular Jews are the majority of the Jewish population, Orthodox Jewish homosexuals find that their minority status in society is triple-fold. Thus, I will also be considering how and why their identity crises are far more complex and multifaceted. Afraid of being shunned by their Jewish communities, many repress their homosexuality and bind themselves to the conventional Jewish marriage and family structure (Ariel, 2007; Glassgold, 2008; Mark, 2008). However, whether or not they repress their gay/lesbian identity highly depends on their environmental and social contexts. Drawing from Amin Maalouf's (2000) concept of other people's influence in shaping our identityand noting that the word influence reflects the ability to decide the path we want to go onI will also be probing what determines the amount of environmental influence Jewish gays and lesbians choose. That said, how does the Jewish community influence the identity of secular/religious Jewish gays and lesbians? This question will guide my exploration of how their personal identity relates to their social identity (Lecture, February 17, 2010)that is, how ones selfconcept is formed by ones group membershipas well as the different ways they handle their identity crises.

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Phillip Hammack (2008) discusses how the definition of ones self can be heavily dependent on ones cultural group. This is especially true in the Orthodox Jewish community, since Jewish law emphasizes the priority of family and community (Mark, 2008). This seems to pose a challenge if ones conception of self differs from an outsiders perspective. Orthodox Jews strictly follow the words of the Torah (Jewish law) and its rabbinical interpretations. In addition to laws of modest attire (body covered from the neck down), other laws include the expectation of heterosexual marriage (Glassgold, 2008). Naturally, this causes a huge contradiction within Orthodox Jews who feel samesex attractions. Admitting homosexuality would bring shame to ones Orthodox family, friends, and community, and would result in excommunication. Not only does the majority of our society condemn gay marriage, but the Orthodox Jewish culture also prohibits same-sex marriage - no rabbi will marry same-sex couples (Ariel, 2007). This creates an issue for religious gay/lesbian-Jews because it means they must go against their religious beliefs and find a Secular rabbi to marry them. Even then, their marriage is not considered legally Jewish by the Orthodox society, meaning that religious gay/lesbian-Jews must figure out a way to observe traditional Judaism in a Secular Jewish community. Prior research has concluded that, because of this, many Orthodox Jews avoid the emotionally excruciating consequences (of community exile and going against their religious beliefs) and find it easier to just subdue their gay/lesbian identity (Coyle & Rafalin, 2000; Glassgold, 2008; Mark, 2008; Schnoor, 2006). But how much easier can it truly be if they are still repressing part of who they are? Unfortunately, affiliating with either identity presents its own set of issues; the Secular gay-Jewish community despises Orthodox Jews, even going so far as to call them

MERGING CONFLICTING IDENTITIES the enemy for not accepting homosexuality (Ariel, 2007). Ariel (2007) mentions one Orthodox Jewish lesbian who went to Tel Aviv for the gay-pride parade, dressed modestly (as religious Jews are expected to). This made her easily noticeable as an Orthodox Jew to the Secular gay-Jews who physically and verbally attacked her. As a

Jew, I find the division between the Secular and Orthodox Jewish communities extremely disheartening; is it not enough that Jews experience anti-Semitism, or that gays and lesbians are condemned by the majority of the world, that there even has to be a divide in the same culture between both minorities? It is therefore not surprising to me why religious gays and lesbians conform to expected social/religious norms (and thus simultaneously avoiding G-ds disdain and community exclusion). Moreover, it is clear why many of them experience feelings of self-hatred, depression, and even suicidal thoughts (Glassgold, 2008; Mark, 2008). Here it is clear how the environment can influence an identity crisis, and why it is not so easy to match ones personal and social identity. Whether they are in the gay community or in the religious community, Orthodox Jewish gays and lesbians receive the message that who they truly are is wrong. This selfconcept is thus constructed by either group (gay/lesbian or religious), which explains how ones personal identity can relate to ones social identity (Lecture, February 2010). Having to feel like a bad person no matter where one turns explains to me how one would end up with an identity crisis. To be openly gay would mean losing (or eroding) the relationships with their families and social networks. In order to fit in with the Secular Jewish communitythe only community that fully accepts homosexualsOrthodox gays and lesbians would have to be more liberal about their religious beliefs (Ariel, 2007). Additionally, it brings

MERGING CONFLICTING IDENTITIES theological confusion to the table their belief in G-d and following His ways is juxtaposed by their homosexual desires (Mark, 2008). This makes them question where they stand in the eyes of G-d, their families, and communities. The driving force behind their identity crises is their need for acceptance not being met. Thus, it would be understandable why they grapple with such an internal struggle. The documentary Trembling Before G-d shows how some Orthodox Jewish gays and lesbians handle their daily life struggle with their juxtaposing identities. One Orthodox lesbian couple (Leah and Malka) disclose that although they are very lucky to have each other, their families have shunned them. The extent of the relationship Leah has with her parents is a weekly phone call wishing her a Shabbat Shalom (peaceful Sabbath), captured on film. I could feel her sorrow as she broke down in front of the cameras after the phone call. Her heavy sobbing was enough to understand that the pain doesnt end at successful integration of both religious and gay identities. Her family doesnt accept her, her community doesnt accept her, however she at least has enough love and support from her partner that she can overcome her identity crisis and reach identity achievement (Erikson, 1968).

The lesbian couple in the documentary acknowledges how fortunate they are than most Orthodox gays and lesbians who are forced into heterosexual marriages. The anxiety and depression these men and women experience result from either repressing their homosexual identity, or secretly having sexual relations with members of the samesex. If they are caught, they face the risk of excommunication and having their kids taken away from them. One could thus realize how stressful it must be to have to hide part of oneself from everyone, and thus be constantly living a lie. Leah and Malka chose to

MERGING CONFLICTING IDENTITIES accept the consequences of being together, however they also didnt have children that would be taken away from them. The degree of their consequences was not as high as

someone with children and without a partner to lean back on. Therefore, I can understand why women and men who lack support for their homosexual identity find themselves forced with the choice of sacrificing their happiness for the sake of their familys wellbeing. Erikson (1968) proposed that this failure to weave ones multiple selves into one coherent identity causes deterrence from achieving positive mental health. However, the documentary portrays that integration of the gay and religious identities does not necessarily alleviate pain. Instead, it shows how ones environmental and social context impacts the handling of identity crises. Thus, it is important to understand here that for many Orthodox gay-Jews this is not a permanent crisis; eventually their daily functioning becomes disrupted and they resort to various strategies in their endeavor towards identity achievement (Erikson, 1968). We see another example of how some deal with their identity crises in the next section. Judith Glassgold (2008) discusses her client, Chaya, an Orthodox Jew who had repressed her lesbian identity to avoid feelings of humiliation and rejection that excommunication would cause. Chaya had even tried being honest (one of the Jewish laws) and admitted to her family that she was not sexually attracted to her husband, or any man, yet they didnt see it as an issue. They overlooked her unhappiness and denied her same-sex attractions; they felt it more important that she abide by Jewish law and stay in her heterosexual marriage. Whats more, she worried that if she openly admitted she was a lesbian, her children would also be ostracized. It is therefore understandable to me

MERGING CONFLICTING IDENTITIES why she was weighed down by depression and suicidal thoughts; the messages from her religion, her community, and her family all indirectly reflected that being a lesbian is shameful that her true self is shameful (Glassgold, 2008). How does one deal with something like this? If an Orthodox Jews self-

conception differs from his/her family and communitys perspectives, then who, or what, holds the true story of who he/she really is? Reinterpreting the Torah (Jewish Law) is one strategy among religious gay/lesbian individuals, especially because it helps them overcome cognitive dissonance (Coyle & Rafaline, 2000; Glassgold, 2008; Schnoor, 2006). Chayas case is a fine example: After building up her self-esteem in therapy, she unabashedly admitted to her Orthodox communitys rabbi that she was a lesbian, and argued that the Torah does not clarify if lesbian sex is considered sexual intercourse (Glassgold, 2008). Whats interesting here is that Chaya demanded her rabbi to not exile her that she wasnt looking for his approval but rather his consideration of the loophole. Another example of this strategy is seen in Trembling Before G-d: Rabbi Steve Greenberg (noted as the first openly gay Orthodox Rabbi) says, I want another Orthodox parent to be able to [tell his gay son or daughter] that there are other ways to read the Torah, lets learn because they want their child to believe that the Torah doesnt reject themthey want to believe that its possible to live a decent, good Jewish life within the community. If only there were more rabbis like him, perhaps gay/lesbian Orthodox Jews would fulfill their need for acceptance and thus attain positive mental health (Erikson, 1968). I feel that the divide between homosexuality and traditional Judaism is unnecessary because it doesnt keep up with modern day society strict observant Jews seem to forget the time period of when the Bible was written. Additionally, I think that

MERGING CONFLICTING IDENTITIES this separation of hate misses the whole point of Judaism which is to be a good person who is helpful to society and raise children to be the same way. Most Orthodox Jews are vehemently homophobic because Judaism places strong emphasis on the family, but whos to say that gay and lesbian couples cant adopt children and have a family of their

own (Mark, 2008)? To me, that seems realistic in keeping up with modern times and still fulfilling the underlying point which is to preserve the Jewish people. Additionally, it is important to consider that many gays and lesbians forced into marriage eventually end up divorcing their spouse. I feel that homophobic Orthodox Jews fail to realize that a broken family doesnt exactly fulfill the Torahs emphasis of a stable family structure in its vision of a stable society (Ariel, 2007). As discussed in Trembling Before G-d, some gay and lesbian Jews resort to suicide. Again, how does that fulfill the Torahs vision of a peaceful, stable society and social responsibility for each others well-being (Schnoor, 2006)? Moreover, it is also important to realize that many of them do in fact figure out a way to not let their environment drown their homosexual and/or religious identity. Selfesteem like Chayas is a common finding in the literature that seems to be a crucial step in integrating conflicting identities (Ariel, 2007; Coyle & Rafalin, 2000; Glassgold, 2008; Mark, 2008; Schnoor, 2006). Having positive self-esteem can help change ones perception of oneself in relation to ones environmental and social context. This can be done by surrounding oneself with people who are accepting of ones true identity, and/or not internalizing the negative opinions of others (Ariel, 2007; Schnoor, 2008). Additionally, positive self-esteem helps one accept oneself and not feel self-hatred and/or psychological distress (Coyle & Rafalin, 2000; Mark, 2008; Schnoor, 2006). Prior

MERGING CONFLICTING IDENTITIES research has also found that group affiliation is another important step in integrating conflicting identities (Ariel, 2007; Glassgold, 2008; Mark, 2008). By having a group to belong to, relate to, and gain support from, the need for acceptance is fulfilled and thus alleviates part of the identity crisis (Glassgold, 2008; Schnoor, 2006). There are some Orthodox gay/lesbian Jewish groups that have helped people like Chaya alleviate the identity crisis (Ariel, 2007; Coyle & Rafalin, 2000; Glassgold, 2008). Without internal and external support and acceptance, perhaps Chaya would not have felt so confident to confront her rabbi and insist that she not be banished from her community. The result of positive self-esteem and group affiliation demonstrates how one can have the option of (closely) matching ones personal identity to ones social identity (Lecture, February 2010). I can see how when one is surrounded with people who can relate and offer emotional support, it makes it easier to not feel ashamed of ones true self in fact I can understand just how liberating that must feel. There is no pressure to conform to an

expected identity and thus no feelings of self-hatred and psychological distress that Mark (2008) thoroughly discussed; the need for acceptance is fulfilled within the person and in the persons social context. These findings lead me to assert that positive self-esteem and group affiliationwhich lead to changing ones environmental and social contextsis crucial in achieving healthy identity development (Erikson, 1968). Though not an effective strategy, some gay men maintain their self-esteem by isolating themselves and thus avoiding rejection resorting to lies and superficial conversations when having to be around others. This can be psychologically damaging because isolation prevents them from not having deep human connections, which can cause severe loneliness and depression (Coyle & Rafalin, 2000). Usually, these men

MERGING CONFLICTING IDENTITIES dont know that there are Orthodox-Jewish-Gay-and-Lesbian groups they can affiliate with, and if they do, they dont have the means of changing their environmental and

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social contexts. It is not so easy for them to just abandon their families and communities and start a new life elsewhere (Coyle & Rafalin, 2000). To me, this seems like a double edged sword though I can understand how life would be easier without the constant disdain of others, life can certainly be challenging and lonely without emotional support and acceptance of ones true identity (Glassgold, 2008; Schnoor, 2006). This leads me to conclude that the literature does not address any religious gays and lesbians (albeit rare) who have the support of their religious families and communities, which surprises me because Judith Glassgold (2008) discussed how Chaya was fortunate to be part of a more liberal Orthodox community. However, even in Chayas community, she was not absolutely accepted though her kids were very understanding (Glassgold, 2008). It was the emotional support of her Orthodox gay/lesbian group that helped her not internalize the negative opinions of her community. Still, I feel that future research should conduct their studies in cities, such as Los Angeles, where both the gay and Jewish communities are larger. It would be interesting to see if the larger communities are more open-minded about being a gay/lesbian religious Jew. Additionally, it would be worthwhile to investigate how Jewish gays and lesbians in both the Secular and Orthodox communities interact with and feel about one another. Are Secular gay-Jews less angry towards Orthodox Jews? Also, are both groups able to accept each others religious differences? Additionally, have Orthodox gay/lesbian Jews figured out a way to balance their homosexuality and religious beliefs without having to leave the Orthodox communities they grew up in?

MERGING CONFLICTING IDENTITIES Additionally, researchers should conduct surveys in countries such as Canada,

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Europe, and South Africa (as well as in American states) where gay marriage is legal. It would be fascinating to see how ones environmental and social context differs when same-sex marriage is accepted. How would an environment like this influence their identity and self-concept in relation to their community and society? Additionally, it would be interesting to conduct interviews with any Orthodox gay-Jewish men and women living in these countries. What are their families and communities like? (For example, are they more accepting or do they still hold strong religious beliefs against homosexuality?) Also, how are their personal identities impacted from living in a place that allows same-sex marriage, and does living in such a place mean they dont go through an identity crisis? More longitudinal studies that include surveys and interviews with these Orthodox gay-Jewish men and women would thoroughly help understand how environmental and social contexts plays a role in ones self-concept.

MERGING CONFLICTING IDENTITIES References Ariel, Y. (2007). Gay, orthodox, and trembling. Journal of Homosexuality, 52, 91109. Coyle, A., & Rafalin, D. (2000). Jewish gay mens accounts of negotiating cultural, religious, and sexual identity: A qualitative study. Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality, 12, 21-48. Dubowski, S. S. (2001). Trembling Before G-d [DVD]. Israel, UK, USA; Cinephil Documentary Films. Glassgold, J.M. (2008). Bridging the divide. Women & Therapy, 31, 59-72.

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Hammack, P. (2008). Narrative and the cultural psychology of identity. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 12, 222-247. Maalouf, A. (2000). Excerpts from: In the name of identity: violence and the need to belong (p. 1-43). NY: Penguin Books. Mark, N. (2008). Identities in conflict: Forging an Orthodox Gay Identity. Journal of Gay and Lesbian Mental Health, 12, 179-194. Schnoor, Randal (2006). Being gay and jewish: Negotiation intersecting identities. Sociology of Religion, 67, 43-60.