Living life On Lifes terms (A voice of addiction)

By Jason Firmani

I met a lady one night Not being me I came across, not right But of that night inspiration came To write this book to explain For I am an addict, one of pride Clean and sober, from the world I dont hide Jason Im battling to sleep, my head in a spin A book to write, so others can win My gift to you, all part in creation For those who seek addiction salvation Jason This book dedicated to To my beautiful daughter Jayde for teaching me the true meaning of unconditional love To my family- Cheryl (mom), Albie (dad), Jodie (sister), Viv (brotherin-law) and Daniella (niece) for all their love and support through trying times To my friends for putting up with my moods To all who have walked with me in my recovery To Ross for believing in me in a somewhat unorthodox way and for accepting me for who and what I am. Thanks for being you. To our past, present and future together To Robin, Cathy Lee, Melanie and Leon for proof reading from an objective point of view and to Bunny and Fudgie for lessons taught

Contents Part 1: Understanding Chapter 1. Jason, page 4 Chapter 2. The drugs, page 11 Chapter 3. Addiction, page 16 Chapter 4. The addict, page 22 Part 2: Recovery Chapter 5. Approach, page 29 Chapter 6. The tools, page 40 Chapter 7. My recovery , page 46 Chapter 8. You, page 62

Chapter 1 Jason
Ones worst day in recovery is better than ones best high in active addiction!!! Surprised? Yes? Then let me explain. Hi! My name is Jason and Im a recovering drug addict. The reason why I say recovering drug addict, besides from it being the truth, is that im recovering my life, my sense of purpose, all that I am in discovering myself again. I lost it all to this dreaded disease of drug addiction. Material possessions can be replaced. I cant! Im not a nobody or just a somebody. No. I am Jason Firmani. We are all special, every single one of us (including you). So lets go back to the opening line. Ones best high is that first hit or first pill or first sniff etc (you get the picture), well it never comes back. So how come some people try it once and never again, some say it did nothing for them and for the majority of us we always say that well stop tomorrow? For some, tomorrow never comes due to an overdose. I have lost good friends through o/d, because of there addiction. So what is it? Addiction is not the drugs or booze or money. No. Addiction is the nature of the addict, not the person, two very distinct personalities in one human being, as Ill explain in this book. Now for ones worst day in recovery. When nothing seems to be going right, you feeling down and asking yourself is this really worth it? Why me? I have no life, etc? By now in active addiction we wouldve got loaded, but all we are doing is delaying our growth stages of recovery. When we have these feelings of doubt and no self worth, while we ride this emotional roller-coaster, actually what we are experiencing is life and all its ups and downs. Life is not easy, yet it is simple. So why do we complicate it more? Recovery teaches and equips us with the abilities and tools to live life on lifes terms, so when we are having bad days all that it is teaching us, is to address the situation or problem, identify the emotion or feeling and deal with it as normal people would. I use the word normal loosely, as I have met normal people who are even more messed up in the head as what addicts are. So from Now on Ill refer to non-addicts as straight people and us addicts, well, well just be ourselves. My own definition of normality is ones own perception of what one would deem as acceptable or permissable. A quick story as to why Im writing this book came about when i was six months into recovery, when my hairdresser set me up on a blind date. I was pretty excited by this as this is what recovery is all about, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs and having new experiences and most importantly, having fun, while living clean. Any way i arrive at our rendevoux point and we introduce ourselves and get chatting. I order her a glass of wine and a soft drink for me. This surprised her a bit (I know why I cant drink),
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so, first dilema: how do I explain the reason why I cant drink? During active addiction my pancreas started playing silly buggers, which gave me the perfect out (or so I thought). I told her I was a diabetic, end of that. No. She proceeds to tell me her friends diabetic and they usually enjoy a few glasses of wine together. My quick come back still doesnt get me out of this one as I tell her that her mate probably is on insulin or some form of medication, but I control mine by diet (take that! I say to myself). She asks if I have ever drunk? If so, what did I drink? I say I used to enjoy a beer or scotch. Then I get told that it is okay for me to drink these (clever girl this), we harped on this for a while still, then she realised no was no and our conversation took its course on many topics. The end of the evening came and we went our seperate ways, agreeing to see each other again, which never materialised. It came out later via my hairdresser that my blind date thought I was a nerd. I am deffinately no nerd and may as well throw no angel in with this too. So the messages I wish to portray in this book is firstly to help the addict to realise themselves- that recovery is possible. Secondly to help the straight person to better understand the addict, so when someone says to you that they are an addict, you wont label us and think lesser of us. We are not gutter junkies which most people think we are. Thirdly is that we are not looking for sympathy. Only a fair chance in society to pay our debts, not just to you, but ourselves too. Fourthly, please dont treat us any differantly as you would any body else.

Some background info into my life and up bringing, I was born on october 16th 1968 into a middle class family in Johannesburg. Being my dad, Albie and my mom, Cheryl and my sister, Jodie. While growing up I was spoilt as I wanted for nothing and had a lot of opportunities to experience things and do things with a bright future that awaited me in adulthood. I never really had any hang ups, I adjusted and adapted well to any situation I was in and got on well with just about everybody. I had Good friends, alot of whom I am still in contact with today. I guess I grew up a happy child (a little over weight but I learnt how to remedy that later on), my parents were a little over protective but they eased off as I grew older. I spent a lot of time as youngster with my grandmother while my parents were at work and all through primary school Life in primary school was a breeze for I was a pretty bright lad who listened well in class. I was not the studious type as Ive always had a good memory (I thank God today that active addiction did not destroy it, I knew the dangers of addiction and the mind and memory are attacked badly, I always had my nose in crosswords to stimulate and exercise my brain while in active addiction). I could never understand why my class mates took the allocated time period to complete there assignments or projects when it could be done in one afternoon and homework could also be known as, before the schoolday starts schoolwork, why waste a good afternoon of doing nothing or getting upto mischief. School is school and hometime is hometime. My sister was the exact opposite who always did her homework and studied for tests and exams, believe me she is a bright and intelligent girl in her own right who also had the same opportunities and up bringing as me, yet she is an addict to, so wheres the connection? Brings me back to saying that

addiction is by nature and not that, to which we are addicted. To which we are addicted to serves us merely as a crutch. Moving onto high school life is the same, parents are less protective by allowing us to be on our own in the afternoons to instill in us responsible behaviour. Passed standard six much the same way I did primary school but now I was becoming to realise I was different to the other scholars and not knowing how to express it, it was just sense of knowing.

I always made myself fit in, the clever studious kids were always ridiculed (never show your true talents or abilities to escape been taken advantage of-bad philosophy), I wanted to be liked, which wasnt that difficult as I had a sharp sense of humour and enjoyed making people laugh, and I still do. A friend of mine got married last year and roped me into doing a comedy stand up thingy and it felt great! I played sport but never really excelled because, hey, I was a fat kid, till about standard eight which is when I started to come into my own. The teasing didnt bother me (porky pig, Fattis and Firmanis) as I could laugh at myself and throw some witty retorts back to those who were teasing me. My couson gave me a bit of a hard time while growing up, not because of my weight, but because I think he wanted to make sure that I would always be able to handle myself, so I fought regularly through his pre-arranged fights (not a bad thing, but senseless). From standard eight I naturally started losing weight and started training in a gym which the owner had converted his garage into. The more I trained the more physical changes I noticed, I never really grew very big for my genetics wouldnt allow for this. Then I noticed that the girls were paying a lot more attention to me, which I thought was about time! In high school I never had any serious relationships, these came later on in life. I was just enjoying the moment (good advice-even now). It was in high school that first realised the effects of human behaviour and the human mind always fascinated me. I was in the naughtiest, loudest, disruptive class imaginable. Twenty four of the naughtiest boys in school, all placed in one class with six girls, need I say more. A good bunch of guys never the less and we all got on well. The girls werent that naughty but good fun anyhow. I think it was more along the lines of sink or swim. So, yes, our class was marked, not buy our abilities, but by how we came across. Which I proved to myself when writing matric finals. I had failed every term in matric including prelims, yet when my final papers were marked by someone who had no clue as to who I was, passed me and quite well too. So please explain this to me when all through matric I was told I am going to be repeating matric again! Showed them didnt I.

Left school joined the police force and was stationed at the Soweto Riot Unit for three years (it was enough, enjoyed the job but my life was worth more than R1200-00 a month). Had many eye opening experiences, just as to how cruel people can be with total disregard for human life, this coming from a drug addict, I hear you say! It was in the police force where I discovered the power of drugs, not narcotics yet, but steroids. They fulfilled many functions in my life which all manipulated my mind set into believing that the bigger I got, the more humiliating my presence I would have as a policeman. As I grew, the more I accepted myself. No more fat kid. (now theres a joke, once a fat kid always a fat kid in the mind until one truly comes to love themselves just the way they are). I cycled as a sport in the police and the steroids did there thing by enhancing my abilities when training and racing. The steroids were a big part of my life for about five years I left the police force weighing 96kgs on my 1.72m frame with a 32 inch waist. My weight at the end of active addiction was a whopping 63 kgs and a 28 inch waist. Now seventeen months into recovery I weigh roughly 73 kgs and Im heading towards my personal goal weight at a lean 80 kgs. This book is not about me, but what recovery is all about! So Ill wrap up this chapter as brief as possible. After the police I had a few jobs, repping, personal trainer, topless waiter in a night club on ladies nights (yes please), you ladies!!! are worse than guys at strip shows, (I know this due to first hand experience) and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I could never seem to find my feet or grounding in purpose, the police robbed me of every emotion and raped my mind. One learns how to switch off, but never how to switch back on. I was not very nice or understanding with the woman i dated as i did not care much for their feelings. If you are one of them, please accept my appology and I ask your forgiveness? One particular girl comes to mind who I hurt numerous times. Tracy I am sorry! My mates were more important to me, than a relationship. I used to party all the time and used to get oiled on alcohol, still not discovering narcotics yet. Being an ex-policeman, it went against my beliefs. This party mode lasted for about four years (where my memory abilities played a part in my mates lives.

Whenever we went out they would never write down the names and numbers of the girls they would meet. Instead I was used as a walking filo-fax. The next day my phone would ring off the hook. Hey Jay, the blondes name again and her number?) Or which one was Jill and what is Marys number? Then one night some people were doing coke and I thought what the hell, lets give it a try? Boom!!!! A whole new world had opened up for me and every feeling and emotion can flooding back, wow I thought as I saw myself through new eyes. Coke was a weekend recreational passtime and every now and then during the week. The frequncy of using was increasing all the time and I was totally unaware. I was hooked from the first line. In the interim with my new found emotional state of mind I met a cute little sexy

gymnast from Cape Town and had no clue about my using at first. She later became my wife. She gave me the ultimate gift. The most adorable and truly specially gifted daughter, Jayde. She has the most incredible mind, very intelligent. At the age of four she was building puzzles out of her head. By grade two she could recite her readers. She is just gorgeous with the biggest bluest eyes and incredible personality. Before we got married Brenda said to me to stop the coke or its no wedding. So no more coke and got married. The marriage lasted four years. The divorce was triggered due to the family business, of which I was involved in, went under because of the financial partner my ex-inlaws had. What a control freak! I still hear you asking so where does the addiction come in? Ill get to that shortly. The financial strain took its toll on us and divorce was inevitible, also we werent compatible at all and divorced in July 98. The last year of marriage we discovered rave parties and clubs (watch this boy boogie. Yes, thats me, dancing on the speakers with no shirt on for a change), with all trappings that came with them. Ecstacy was the final straw. This way of life became the norm for me. Since the divorce my ex and daughter have moved to Ireland and have been there for a few years already. I miss Jayde every waking day more and more. Seeing her once a year is not enough. I think of all her growing years Im missing out on, not being there to be able to comfort her or just being able to tuck her in at night with a big hug and kiss. I love booboo!

By now you can gather, I have no excuses for my drug addiction. Only one reason, that is by choice. Which I fully accept and come to terms with(after I stopped blaming everyone and everything for my short comings and misfortunes). I could have picked myself up and carried on like straight people do, but the drugs became my escape. An escape from reality. The big question is, escape to where? The same place every addict escapes to, the world inside there heads, where everything is logical and seems to make sense. What is it that reality or life cant offer the addict, that forces us to escape into our own little world of destruction and despair. These only surface once in full blown addiction. Once weve lost control of our own lives. It is at this point of losing control that our addict steps in to take over and we humbly give him or her our power of self control. Reality seems to have no stimulus for us to live life on lifes terms. Look at movie stars, rock stars, famous people, etc. They slip into addiction due to a false sense of reality, where life has become meaningless and by perception addiction has all the answers.

Chapter 2 The Drugs

Many types I have tried From which, so many have died I hope to save even the life of one Then I know, this books work is done I have been spared for a reason To help you through every season Of emotion and feeling To find life, the meaning

Im not professing to be a leading authority on drugs and addictions but I speak from two view points, active addiction and a life without the use of drugs. My findings and discoveries are from my own personal experiences with this disease and that recovery is possible. Addiction is a disease, from which, there is no known cure. It can be understood then, ones personal recovery begins. Incurable disease because its all cunning, baffling and progressive. If it were physical, then a doctor could treat it. If it were mental, then psychiatry could treat it. If it were spiritual then one of the cloth could treat it. So what is it? Its all three. In this chapter were going to have a look at the different types of drugs, whether it be on black market or over the counter. 1) Alcohol: Freely available and the one most accepted by society. Disguised in many preparations, eg. Beer, wine, spirits, shooters and many medicinal preparations. Said to be calming after a hard days work or a form of relaxation, but to the addict, the apposite is true. Cant stop at one or two. The addict (alcoholic) drinks for a number of reasons, for its so called calming therapeutic effect. If only it stopped there, but it doesn. We drink ourselves into oblivian to run away from the harsh realities of life From dependance we suffer such things as lethargy, incapacity of ones voluntary movements and concentration, physical and mental impairment, the inablity to function on normal levels without a quick pick me up in the mornings. The list goes on and on. When sobering up insomnia sets in, aggressive behaviour comes out including irritability and nervousness Effects of abuse attacks you mentally, damage to internal organs such as the kidneys and liver, bearing in mind that alcohol is a preservative which is why you always hear of an alcoholics liver being enlarged. This comes about from the liver growing in order to function. Many alcoholics suffer from convulsions and often drink themselves to death due to the effects of abuse. Death is not intentional but a realty of the abuse 2) Nicotine: A temporary stimulant, and highly addictive. One that I battle with constantly, especially when my addicts telling me that its ok to smoke as I can function fully aware in society, its not mood or mind altering (but run out of cigarettes and watch true addict behaviour come through. Feelings of anxiousness, hyper activity and restlessness, focussed attention on not having any. Etc.)

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Available everywhere including vending machines. Im not going to go into detail on nicotine. Just pick up a newspaper or magazine and its in your face, the dangers and risks of smoking, yet everyone still smokes. With all the new laws being passed about smoking, the smoker doesnt smoke less. When they go out, they all slip out for a quick puff on two cigarettes. Yes, you too. I know this because Ive seen you and youve told me (Ive done it too, so dont feel bad youre not alone) 3. Over the counter: Codeine is the biggest culprit and the one my sister battled for thirteen years. She must have the constitution of a horse because of the amounts she would take. It boggles the mind. Her daily dose would be up to one hunred tablets a day, yes one hundred, then at night up to ten sleeping tablets and still be awake for two hours (see, its a progressive disease). Dont confuse this state being awake as being in a conscious state. Far from that. Sorry Jodie Im not being judgemental but pointing a finger at myself too. Pharmacies have a codeine register wherein patients/customers need to sign for very purchase as a means of control.

Some do and some dont, its business as it pays the bills and I cant blame them as I was dealing a bit to support my habit too. Ephadrine, used in most weight loss products, in tonic, capsule or tablet form, is highly addictive. Beneficial only when taken as prescribed, so why does a bottle meant to last for two weeks, last only a few days? Is it not easier to drink a dose than to measure the dose? The sips get bigger and the feelings become more enhanced, you know the ones, Ive also experienced them. That tingling feeling over the scalp, the goose bumps on the skin, heart racing, that anxious feeling we confuse with hyper activity. I would drink half a bottle and drive straight through to Cape Town. Leave at night and get there the next morning and still not be able to sleep that day. Dangers of this drug, is convulsions and yes overdose, organ failure, etc. Pethidine, a pain killer which is only available on prescription (not really) is also highly addictive and one which killed a friend of mine due to overdose (not intentional but a reality of addiction). There is a fine line between a hit and an overdose and it gets crossed daily. Some are lucky, as they make it, others, who are not found in time, do not. Other medicinal drugs which are addictive are morphine, welconol or pinks by there street name, tranquilisers and even analgesics and sleeping tablets. 4) Black market: Firstly, everything from the pharmacy irrespective of the scheduling (how do you think I got my steroids, one of them being a schedule 7 drug, which has now been removed from

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the market. A very toxic drug. Even equine medication is available which is common amongst steroid users. safe to take because there is no common disease between man and horse or so Im told). Then we get a host of other drugs (narcotics), such as heroin, cocaine, crack cocaine, mandrax, marijuana or dagga (natural and coated), hybrids of marijuana by fusing different types of the herb together and growing new strains, ecstasy available in tablet, capsule and liquid form, also known as MDMA and has been around since the second world war. So not quite the designer drug people are led to believe. Designer being justified by the fact that it is cut with whole lot of other drugs such ephadrine (the one found in weight loss medication carrying a schedule 2 grading), ketamine being another drug cut with MDMA. LSD, has also been around for many decades and still very popular. Im not a pharmacist and this book is not to advocate the use of drugs but to bring your attention to what is available. I did not want to consult the medical profession for research in my book. I want to relay the message that we all have it within us to do it ourselves as I did. Those who say it cant be done, are constantly been shown by those who are doing it!

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Chapter 3 Addiction
Bound by addiction, a slave to you Robbed of life, and its intentions too You brought me down Now, on you I frown Not your fault, as I gave you permission To invade my life, to total sub-mission Now I bid you my best farewell As I condemn you, straight to hell

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Addiction is the very force which drives the addict to do the crazy things we do. Its in understanding the dynamics behind this force that we begin to know the addict. Addictions come in many disguises and forms. Other than substance abuse, straight people have addictions, which well chat about in this chapter too. People are addicted to money, sex, power, people, gambling and even bad relationships. Addiction is a serious topic, so my chirpy self will take a brief break as we expose this monster. The best way for me to describe the dynamics of this force is by using success in an analogy. Most people view success as being financially independent, living in this mansion of a house. Furnished with nothing but the very best that money can buy. In the garages, top of the range luxurious cars. We drip with jewellary and only wear designer labels. Nothing wrong with this. These are merely the trappings of success. Success is the steps taken in order to achieve a predetermined and worthwhile goal. So success is in the journey, not the end result. It is an on going journey. Now, as with every month we need to meet these obligations and now the pressure is on. Money is now the master, not the servant. Were living beyond our means and out of control. So with money being the master, well try and do anything to lay our hands on it. We forsake our family and friends, unknowingly at first. Our very focus is on serving the master. The funny thing is, the master couldnt care in the least about you, because there are so many other faithful servants doing the same. So the servants compete against each other, unconsciously, in trying to gain the masters approval all the time. Our actions, our way of thinking, our emotional state, our outlook on life gets turned upside down as we become so focused on the master. Its not a sin to be rich and its every persons birthright to be the best that they can be, in whatever career or profession they have chosen for themselves, as long as it is ethical and no one gets hurt in the process of achieving. But to the servant in this analogy, everyone and anything that stands in his/her path gets knocked down, in all aspects of his/her life chasing that centre of attention. If you ever un-suspectingly meet a recovering addict and his answer to your question of why he will not a have a drink with you is: for starters, Ill drink you under the table, then i am only starting to warm up. Then Ill drink out whatever money you have on you. When thats finished well go clear out your bank account and carry on (you said youre buying). Then well take a quick drive up the road and pawn everything of value you have including your car to the dealer for drugs, because alcohol is not really what Im looking for. If youre lucky youll be home in a few days still wearing your shirt! I appreciate your offer, but no thank you Dont be surprised. He just explained to you from first hand experience what addiction is all about. The principle of addiction or the dynamics of addiction is the same, even when we are addicted to different masters. Addiction takes our control away and takes over our lives causing total mayhem and destruction. We lose touch with reality and rely on the master

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to dictate how we act, how we feel, what to do and even what our needs are. This is best explained through the analogy of being addicted to a person. We rely so much on this person for our false senses. Happiness is a state of mind, comes from within. So why does the servants happiness have to depend on the master? We can nurture ourselves but again the servant depends on the master for this. The master has full control of the servants emotional state, frame of mind, actions and behaviour patterns. Living in this false state the servant leads himself to believe that without the master there is no life. What a load of hogwash. I know what pleases me and what ticks me off. These are my feelings and I am not dependant on others for my emotional state. I have no control over people, places or things. Nor do I want to have this control. Ive learnt this hard lesson in recovery. People have the ability to be themselves and it is impossible to please everybody all the time. Coming back to master/servant scenario, the problem is created on a see-saw of dominance and control. The dominant personality stagnates as there in no stimulation and the submissive personality get suppressed because there is no feelings of self-worth. Once, the ties in this relationship is severed the master tumbles and the servant starts to grow. Being addicted to bad relationships leads the master to believe that the only way he/she can be truly loved is by being placed on a pedastal. If the servant doesnt show the master the gratitude he/she is lead to believe theyve earned, then its the end of the world, the servant gets confused and all false emotions errupt in both the master and the servant. Strange but true. Self love and acceptance is the golden key in any relationship.

Now we better understand addiction. Its not us but obsessive behaviour. We all have obsessive tendancies, just some manage to control them and find balance, yet with others it becomes the main focus and everything else takes a back seat. This alone shows that there is something lacking in our lives and instead of addressing the issues, wed rather make excuses to justify our irrational and illogical behaviour. Easier to shift the blame, than take responsibility for our own lives and actions. Feelings and emotions associated with addictions are hurt, pain, guilt, remorse, inadequacy, low self-esteem, no self worth and no self love, anxiousness and paranoia. In terms of addiction, anxiousness sets in when we need to get our hands on drugs and will do anything and everything to get them. Then comes the trip to the dealer, not the longest drive but it takes for ever. Everyday when people drive the same routes all the time for arguments sake, to work. It becomes so routine and trivial that we drive to work hypnotically. Not to the drive to dealer and we know the route so well, yet we take notice of everything along the way. Paranoia sets in on the way home. Who was watching? Did anybody recognise me? Paranoia leads to feelings of insufficiency. Weve bought three grams of coke and one gram is used on the drive home, oops!!! Maybe we shouldve got more, one gram is already finished and this sets the tone for the rest of the evening: little trips back and forward pleasing the master. Crack cocaine is nasty as youll spend the rest of your life chasing those few minutes of false bliss.

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Trust me when I say this, healing is possible and it only comes from within. Addiction directly affects the lives of sixteen people. Wow. We cant even take responsibilty for our own lives. Thats the thing, they adapt as they are forced to, but eventually they get sick and tired of thee excuses and what they see as empty promises. Well discover in the next chapter these promises arent really empty as they carry two Intensions. Your addicts intention is much stronger than your own (yup, Ive experienced this numerous times too). mom! dad! please can you help me, there is this person I owe some money to who is actually a supplier of mine and he has threatened to hurt me quite seriously if I dont pay him (underground drug trade has no ethics in there business dealings, pardon the punn). And by the way I am a drug addict. That night I made every promise I could think of to stop the drugs. My addict got pissed off with me for not consulting him in this regard and showed me for another year who was in charge (yes master!!!!) There is money to be made in drugs, lets not kid ourselves. The addict enjoys all the benefits of the profits and we see nothing. And thats the truth. If you are thinking about taking this route, dont. Its not worth it. Go into recovery and see the rewards that it has to offer Addiction is not easy to overcome. For that master who you valued so highly has no place in recovery, for in recovery you cant serve two masters. And no. Recovery is not a master either. The only master in recovery is you. Recovery is not for the chosen few but for those who choose it. A life without substance abuse is the ultimate high! Dont believe me? Then I challenge you. Dont take my word for it. Find out for yourself! Cross addiction is just as serious as addiction itself. All that happens is a new master presents himself to fill the void of the addiction that was present previously. Life still just exists with no purpose and no direction. Most importantly balance in life is non-existant. Same behavioural patterns serving a different master. We kid ourselves constantly in believing, now that weve stopped the drugs its ok to drink. Sex is a major crossaddiction amonst recovering addicts. There are no feelings involved, as the physical act becomes the master. Focusing on the new master shifts our attention away from the drugs. Sex becomes the new drug or alcohol or exercise or even recovery. Recovery becomes a master when our attention is solely on clean time and not living. Another major cross- addiction to watch out for is gambling, as with drugs and alcohol there are no winners, except for the lucky few. My father battled with gambling for many years and he will be the first to tell you its a big no-no. Gambling was his master. Extremely destructive and crippling. He has been clean now for eight years. The addiction to gambling is so rife, that gamblers can have themselves blacklisted at casinos. If you are blacklisted, and lets say you win a jackpot at that casino, you will be charged and arrested for fraud. Casinos even offer the gambler help by means of trained psycologists. Pity the same cant be done to help the substance abuser. Imagine

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blacklisting yourself at all dealers (or pubs and clubs). You rock up there and instead of being supplied with your drugs you are a supplied with a psycologist. Wow! What a caring dealer. Not.

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Chapter 4 The Addict

Of my life, you had control For your consequences, I pay the toll These Ive accepted as my own I reap what you have sown Destruction and chaos behind me now Humbly before myself I bow For my forgiveness and for you I have triumphed, this is true

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Dont kid yourself for one moment into believing that the addict is an idiot. Drugs dont discriminate, people do! I have used with and dealt to other addicts, I myself would never had suspected. At clubs and parties (I never sold there, far to dangerous, not for fear of the police but what would be done to me for selling in someone elses territory. A lot of politics involved and I dont see the need to elaborate), I would bump into old acquaintances and people I had met during my life. And I would greet them with utter shock and dis-belief. These people could be the high powered lawyer who is your neighbour, the woman executive with her own business across the road, the doctor who stays behind you, even you. So not that easy to identify physically, only by behaviour. Me being one and having spent so much time in the company of addicts, helps me to identify them pretty quickly. People who know me will be shocked when they discover that i am an addict too! The addict is a clever little so and so. The addict can justify anything. The addict is sly, cunning and extremely resourceful. If they cant get their own way, they will lie and cheat. So focused is their attention on serving their master, they will come across totally believable. If you dont buy into their, stories the addict will then play on your emotions and pull every guilt string they can find. (manipulative little bugger, hey!). If that has no effect they will steal you blind and pawn anything they can lay their hands on. So fueled is the addict by addiction that consequence never even features. The addict does not care when they are in this feeding frenzy. After the little binge and all the effects have worn off, guilt sets in and every other feeling and emotion that is associated with this guilt (the hurts and the pains) .the person cant deal with these feelings on an emotional level and presto! The addict takes over, again, hence leading to another feeding frenzy. The guilt stems from knowing, that the way in which the drugs were obtained goes against their very nature, and guilt for knowing that drugs are a no-no. See the pattern, compounded feelings and emotions get more and more suppressed the more we use. Eventually addiction becomes the foundation for our coping skills in life. The deeper into addiction we go, the bigger the part, the drugs start to play. In reality all that is happening is were masking our feelings to the point that we think they dont exist anymore. The same is said for straight people, who live on tablets to cope with the stresses in life. They come home to a full buffet of tablets, for every situation they feel they are in. I had such a bad day so Ill just take a little pick me up, you know, just so I can unwind. For this problem theres that, for that problem theres this. They are becoming addicts without even realising it. Thats how my sister got hooked. It all started with a few tablets for her sinus problem, thirteen years later, my sister who had become a zombie, was still justifying why she needed this little helper. Thanks to her addict. My sister is no zombie but her addict is. Myself and my addict share the same body. Lets call it myself with a splintered personality. Not schizophrenia, because my addicts name is Jason too. I have my way of doing things, I have my own interests and beliefs. I have desires and intentions and I

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know what Im all about. The same can be said for Jason the addict. Thats where it ends! We do not connect on the same level. I live in reality and he lives in my head. He tries to control the way i think, act and do. In active addiction, he got it right, as i came across as not giving a hoot. I am the one who has to answer to his actions. Im not passing the buck, but it was his frame of mind that consumed me for four years. And it was his master being served, not mine. I accept full responsibility though, as it was my decision to fully consciously allow him to consume me to the point where I had given him full control. He will always be with me till the day i die. He still pushes his luck with me and thinks he can trick me to help him to serve his master. He doesnt care which master. It was Sunday the 25th November 2000, that I finally took control of my life again and said goodbye to the drugs and alcohol. For about year leading up to this date, I had tried so many times to stop the drugs. The less drugs I took, the more I drank and Ive never been a big drinker. All I was doing was substituting drugs with alcohol (cross-addiction). The alcohol was never what I was looking for. So when I used drugs, I would binge. I would get about three or four weeks no using (just drinking) and reward myself. Most addicts have a drug of choice. Not me. I enjoyed a full buffet. However!! There were drugs I avoided completely and can honestly say have never tried. I knew I had an addictive nature and stayed away from crack cocaine; heroine; welconol and mandrax. I used cocaine, my ecstacy and lsd was chased with ephadrine, Iused speed, poppers and the occasional bottle of cough mixture (codeine). For those who are into palmistry, one look at my hands and youll see the addict. As Ive learnt and discovered, on my left hand, I have a simian line. That is when the head line and the heart line are one line. A solid thick stripe, running across my hand. They say one in every ten thousand people will have a simian line. (Now this is where the plot thickens) it also occurs on my right hand. The lines on my hands are almost mirrors of each other. People with simian lines battle with emotions and are coldly logical. My lines are quite high up on my palms, which means Im more coldly logical than emotional, which I fully understand now. These lines dont influence me negatively as I understand them and recovery has taught me which emotions to use when making decisions. When I was a young boy (and fat) a man by the name of Mike, worked with my mom and he could read palms. Whenever I went to work with her, he would always study my hands make photo copies of them as my hands fascinated him. As I said before, drugs dont discriminate, people do. They label us addicts attach a stigma to us. These stigmas which society places on us are dangerous and hurtful, not just to us but society too. When I was born my mom labeled me Jason. Thats the only label I wear. Ill wear the label of addict only when necessary i.e. when reaching out to other addicts or when to protect myself. Let me tell you a story about the destructive forces of stigmas. Once upon a time (hey! This is not a fairy tale)! Sorry about that. No. This is a true story but Ill change the names. We have Mike*, Greg* and Andy*. All roughly the same age given a few years and I know them personally. Mike is an acquaintance, Greg a friend and Andy a very

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good friend of mine. Other than having drugs in common they are all retired professional boxers having had a good professional records. Mikes* debut into the professional ring was rewarded with a first round knockout in I think it was about twenty odd seconds after the bell (I stand to be corrected). This was to become the norm in his pro career. During his career he partied with his mates who took advantage of his boxing abilities and would always make trouble relying on Mike* for back-up (nice friends hey). Being a pro boxer what could he do? If he fought his pro licence would be revoked (what did his friends care)? Asthma put paid to his career. His mates, still the little trouble makers would involve Mike*. Mike* got a reputation as being a bully and would hit anybody, putting a lot of people in hospital with serious injuries (he was a heavy weight boxer with a big punch). Thanks to all the little instigators, this became the norm. Drugs and alcohol were becoming more regular for Mike until full blown addiction. His addict was making him do crazy things and he was out of control. His mates still letting up on him. Forcing him to live up to his reputation to the point where it was second nature for him. Eventually he would even smack his mates around and cause such havoc in area. People were calling him a menace to society and trying everything to get him locked up. Menace now being the stigma he wore worked well, as he showed them all what a menace was all about. Mike* was in so much pain and anger but society and his friends would not let up. Knowing that mike* had addiction problems did not stop anybody. All the while it was Mikes* addict creating all the chaos as the master needed to be served by any means. This very same society could have helped mike* differently if they only understood the addict and addiction. With understanding and compassion society could have helped in another way. The straight person is ignorant to the epidemic of addiction and I hope to help you to better understand. The good news is and Im happy to say, Mike* managed to clean up his act and can take his rightful place as a productive member of society. Change is possible. And it comes with recovery. We are not bad people trying to become good. No, we are sick people getting better (we are healing and its constant). If only society would re-accept us and afford us the opportunity to set things right Now we meet Greg*, also had brilliant career, fought for world titles. His friends loved him and he is a great guy. They did not take advantage of Greg* and somehow drugs also came into his life. Yet he never went through what mike went through, because the people in Gregs* life were supportive and understanding and never took advantage of his status. They respected him. Through this love and understanding he never endured what Mike* did and was able to get the right help. Well done Greg*. Then theres Andy*, same brilliant pro career. Also had world title fights and a real gentleman. Drugs only came into his life when he retired. Sometimes I blame myself for his drug using (I gave him his first ecstacy capsule). It was his conscious decision to take it. After that it was all up to him. We partied for two solid years. Sometimes I envied him as he was still very responsible and professional in his business. Hes also cleaned up his

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and has truly found his path in life, and now runs a successful boxing gym. Andy* I take my hat off to you with the utmost respect and wish you all the very best that life has to offer buddy. Youve earned it! I also have markings that are synonomous with addicts. I have tattoos (no piercings-not for me). But dont judge me by them as tattoos have been around for centuries. Another craving which addiction fed is adrenalin. I have always been a bit of an adrenalin junkie and drugs seemed to have had a part in this too. Whether it be in the buying of or the selling of or just in the taking of the drugs, somehow I used to get an adrenalin rush. A subtle feeling but one I could feel (difficult to explain in words). Addiction is a slow death sentence. One that is self imposed when we consciously decided to take that first drug and allow the addict in us to take control. I liken it to a game of Russian-Roulette. One never knows when the gun will go off. (slowly committing suicide) Thats why its a progressive disease. Your body builds up an immunity to the dosages you take. The further into addiction we are sucked the bigger the dosages get in order to get that high we are always chasing. I made a promise to myself in recovery that I would never play Russian-Roulette with my life again with things I had no control over.

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Part 2: Recovery

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Chapter 5 Approach
With knowledge, I myself empower To rise above addiction, I now tower For i live a life, so serene Because from drugs, I now am clean Its not easy, but oh so simple I smile with a cheeky dimple Put down the drug And kick it, like a thug

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Facing An Inner Truth Heals

Cause Of Using Recoverys A Great Effort What Our Recovery Knows

Face Everything And Recover

Leave Everything To God Okay Any Change To Improve Our Natures Personal Recovery Involves Deflating Ego Nothing Else Worked

Son Of-a Bitch Everythings Real Solutions To Every Problem Sober

Anybody Doing Drugs In Compulsive Trouble Wrong Or Right Remain Yourself Ass Saving Kit
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Simply How Im Thinking

Recovery Exists Life And Program Seem Empty

Choosing Honesty Allows New Growth Everyday

Welcome to recovery! We did not become addicted in one day, so dont expect recovery to happen overnight (aint that the truth). There is one little trick that makes it all possible. One trick so simple (not easy) that even you can do it and astound yourself. Are you ready? Here it comes? Wait for it! (deep breathe) put down the drugs. Dont pick up, no matter what! Thats it! If they are not in your hand, you cannot take them. Its that simple. And yes its not easy (but possible). There are many methods and means for recovery. We have support groups and rehabilitation centres and even some institutions, which offer recovery programmes. If you feel that you cannot do it alone and will benefit from professional help, then I suggest a rehab centre that offers the twelve step programme (you wont be sorry. I promise). Using my sister as an example (thanks Jodie), she was in active addiction for thirteen years and tried and tested just about every avenue possible to the addict. Sleep therapy, detox centres, you name it, she tried it. Why were these methods insufficient? Because they only treat the systems and not the cause! Im not knocking them as many addicts have benefitted and managed to clean up their act, so dont get me wrong. The difference at a twelve step recovery centre is their holistic approach to the disease of addiction. They get right down to the cause and thats where the healing starts, in learning to identify the addict and the reasons for which we became involved in active addiction. Jodie is now eighteen months clean due to the twelve step programmes approach to addiction. This same programme helped my dad to achieve eight free addiction years from gambling and my seventeen months from drugs (I promised it could be, done didnt I)! Withdrawal is a mental one but some drugs have physical withdrawal symptoms too, such as heroin and codeine. The withdrawal is so severe as the mind and body fight for that fix and the pain the addict suffers is very intense (but worth it). Help is at hand to relieve the pain of the physical. Methadone is given to addicts while going through the detox stages for heroin and codeine. Rehabs are good and offer the addict a kickstart to their clean time (remember, recovery is not about clean time, but living life without the use of drugs) While in rehab, the addict is protected from external forces of addictions and is equipped to fight the internal forces with ones self. When you are dis-charged from rehab and set foot outside, thats when recovery life really starts, as now it is up to you to make it work.

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Avoid dark people, places and things. It was hard on me to turn my back on friends, yet it was extremely necessary as I knew these people would bring me down, and quickly. So I placed myself under house arrest purely out of self preservation. This protected me from the external temptations (I was already fighting my addict self and did not need added or undue pressure from others). I had a select number of friends who I could trust with whom I could associate. Thereby not putting my recovery in jeopardy or myself, so I would be in situations I could control, not my addict. Seventeen months later, I have no desire or need to use and drink and it is hard work to get to this point. Recovery is possible when, and only, the addict stops living in denial, (no, its not a river in Egypt). Accepting that you are an addict and that you are powerless over your addiction, is taking the first step (a liberating feeling). Once you have admitted this to yourself, start recovery today (at this point your little addicts voice is going to do all that is possible to get you to continue using. Trust me and remember this is a clever tricky little bugger and is going to make deals with you. Just once more, then well stop. Wait! Well stop tomorrow, not right now. Come on bud, youre not an addict you can stop any time. And so on and so on. Youll even be tricked into believing that you are a successful or merely recreational user. Stand your ground, take charge now and by all means dont give in). Tomorrow might not come so do it now! Please!!!!! Give up your addiction and your addict as this starts a positive mindset. Do it for yourself and no one else. Giving in to others to clean up creates an environment conducive to the addict. Reasons for your relapses are perfectly calculated without you even realising it. When relapses occur, the predetermined reasoning pops out of no-where. Giving up comes willingly. Giving in comes forcibly. No one likes to be forced to do things. Therefore do not be forced into recovery as your approach will be half hearted. Recover willfuly and receive the rewards that recovery offers (these rewards only come with effort. Work your recovery). At the beginning of my recovery the approach I used was to clean up by any means possible. I was going to be as committed to recovery as I was to addiction. In addiction I did everything possible to please the master and now I was to use the same driving force for recovery in a positive manner. This is why I try my best to live by spiritual principles. Remember, we are not bad people trying to become good. No. We are sick people healing and getting better. These spiritual principles enrich my life and open me up to all the good that life has to offer. The healing that these principles offer the addict are priceless and the therapeutic effect they have in your life are without parallel. Again. Dont take my word for it and try for yourself and enjoy lifes blessings. The most important of these principles which to live by in everyday life, are, honesty, willingness, to be openminded, faith, hope, trust and positivity (come now it is simple. Okay, Ill give you a little tip then, if you think its not possible. Fake it till you make it. By which time it will have become second nature. There we go). The most important of these principles is faith and hope. Apply these two and all is possible. I appologise for drawing this chapter out a bit, but it is for a good reason. Firstly to gain your trust by tweaking your interest and secondly to open your mind up to an incredilble life that awaits you in recovery (i promised you a better way of life, didnt I?). A quick

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re-cap (bare with me). Lets see! Weve identified we are addicts and have put down the drugs. Weve told our addict, sorry pal, but this is where i take over again, no deals. (our addict will be with us for the rest of our lives, so please dont bargain with this destructive character. Tell this character to shut up whenever it starts to take up your thoughts and pay this character no attention. Who cares if it sulks). Weve consciously decided that recovery is what we want and made the commitment too. Now we are ready (this is where faith and hope come in). In faith and hope we surrender our will (weve discovered how easily it can be manipulated. So you are already used to it), to a higher power (no! Not the master again. But, the ultimate authority who makes it all possible). God! (this is where your open mind comes in, so dont give me that, I have not bible punched once in this book nor am I going to). You can choose to call this higher power what ever you want to, till you are comfortable to call this higher power, god. We surrender our will to a higher power (whom i choose to call god) as this higher power only wants what is best for us and will guide us accordingly. My god has proven to me numerous times of his existance and to you too. After all he has answered your prayers, one of which is he has spared you for a life in recovery. Your reading this book arent you? In active addiction how many times havent we asked god, if you can get me out of this one, Ill?. And he did! Time and time again. So in faith and hope weve surrendered our will to a higher power and recovery is now possible. Your higher power will express himself to you as a loving and forgiving one and in ways that you will have no doubt in your higher powers existance, and you will be guided to all that is good for you in life. Again I ask you not to doubt your higher power as you have already been guided to start your recovery here. (awesome stuff, hey!) Through believing in this higher power, it automatically instills trust in us as it brings about a calming effect to our lives. We all have war stories from active addiction and we know of the destructive and un-managable lives we led in total chaos. This chaos alone should have opened our eyes, yet we just carried on (yes master!). My dreams, hopes and desires that I carried with me in active addiction are coming true and being fulfilled everyday as I see the miracles being performed. Every night I thank my god of my understanding for not using drugs and drinking today. Recovery teaches you that just for today Iwill not use. There are two days we need not worry about which are yesterday and tomorrow, they have already been determined by what we did today (cool, no pressure). Life is good and gets better everyday. This I gaurantee you of (another promise, Im really going out on a limb here, hey!). Just put down the drugs, dont pick up the alcohol, stick to your commitment, surrender your will to a higher power, with your open mind full in faith and hope, trust that your life will be one of serenity! Recovery offers untold rewards for those whom actively seek it. At the start our emotional roller-coaster does not let up so dont be discouraged. Its a tough ride but worth it. Feeling these emotions is all part of the process. Your ups are ups and your downs are downs. Teaching us the ability to recognise what it is that we are feeling,

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discovering the reason for it and identifying the cause then dealing with it on the spot. Dont suppress it. Deal with it. These emotions will have trigger points so identifying them will become second nature with time. (like that dog Pavlov, the stimulus and response canine). In dealing with emotions we are being equipped with coping skills. These skills we have already learnt while growing up and are deeply rooted within us, so accessing them is not an impossibility but a given. Very often its by our own perception that we dont have them and it was our so called inability to use them that led us into addiction in the first place as we saw an easy way out. The jokes on us as we are greeted by them on the way back into recovery. It does not matter what we do or dont, they are there. They lay dormant till given the chance to catch you off guard. The sooner you accept them and deal with them the better off youll be. So many times I have heard and spoken to recovering addicts with lots of clean time behind, some even years and yet they are still full of pain and hurt and anguish and carry resentments and grudges against everything and everyone including themselves (dumb; stupid and ignorant). Build that bridge and get over it now, you are holding yourself back. There is no place in recovery for self pity so living in what couldve been or what shouldve been and what mightve been does not work. You are where you are exactly by your own choice. You choose to wollow in self pity, you choose to hate your life, you choose to blame not yourself. The world and society owe us nothing so choose to take responsibility for yourself now (even if it means adopting a personality and losing the attitude. See, fake it till you make it). You can do it! I know you can. Others are so why not you? I came into recovery with junkie pride as do we all. This junkie pride will be your downfall. At my first support group meeting I was cut down to size by myself as I heard the other recovering addicts stories. It was a very humbling experience and one Iwill never forget (NB! Note to self. Find a support group that offers a twelve step programme). That night I realised I was not the bad assed junkie I thought I was. No way. There were addicts there far worse off than I was and my junkie pride flew out the window, and all Icould sense was how honoured I was to be with this bunch who had overcome there problem and had found this new way of life without the use of drugs. And I wanted it to. That night I promised myself I would never take drugs again and just for today it is possible (seventeen months later Im still proving it to myself). Im achieving what I set out to do and based my recovery on a positive, grateful and happy mindset. I hurt many people in active addiction, family and friends and fellow addicts. My addiction and addict nature turned me into a monster around those I loved and cared for, those who did not really know me wouldve been none the wiser as I hid it well as youll find out in the next chapter when well chat about relationships (both in active addiction and recovery). Most importantly I hurt myself and it was me that needed to heal first so that I could mend what I had destroyed with others later. I did not want my recovery to be based on guilt, hurt, anger, remorse, etc (all the negative emotions). In order for me to benefit from a positive recovery I had to forgive myself first for recovery to be possible, then i came to terms with what needed to be done and put the negative emotions on hold regarding others as I needed to focus on myself. (clearly, as this is where the problem stems from- Jason the addict). Jason (me of course) is actually a nice guy (friendship fees to any takers, only joking). Seriously though, i needed to find myself again. And i have! So can you!

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Patience and tolerance is fundamentally important in recovery. These two principles for me were difficult to start with as they have never been one of my strong points, as, believe it or not, I am an impulsive little bugger. (I hope you are enjoying reading this book as much as I am writing it. Extremely therapeutic for me and for you too I hope). My family will be the first to acknowledge this impulsive behaviour on my behalf (thanks guys) as it has been brought to my attention on numerous occasions. Wait? Impulsive or compulsive? Okay, so Im both. I woke up the second day in recovery and I wanted to know where everything is that this recoverys promised me. I wanted my car, my house, my motorbike, my girlfriend, my job, my fat salary, etc! Etc! Etc! Then a little voice asked that isnt it more important to maybe find myself first? Clever little voice this I thought only to discover later that everyone has one of these clever little voices and it has name. They call it intuition. Wow! Listen to your intuition as it will guide you to all that is good in recovery (higher power stuff this. Yes, I know, just as long as I dont pick up the drugs). See now this is the part where patience and tolerance comes in. There are no time restraints in recovery. Things happen when they happen at the right time. Tolerance helps you through the trial and error stages of waiting for the right things to happen. A big plus for me is that patience and tolerance have even helped me in controlling my temper (I lose it once in awhile, luckily not to often with no drastic outcomes. Thank goodness), Im only human and I am allowed to get cross every now and then, just like straight people do (remember you are the non-addict). Marvelous thing this recovery as it allows me to go under cover in society and act and behave and be a productive member of society. Mission accomplished, only if I dont pick up the drugs, cause then Im going to stick out like a sore thumb, again (no thanks, this non-destructive and manageable life I have now is better than any drug). Living by spiritual principles means I dont have to go under cover in society as this is one of the reasons for me writing this book, as hopefully by now you have a better understanding to addiction and the addict, if you reading this as a straight person. Us addicts do not have to hide away or live as a recluse. We have a function in society and we will fulfull it. The opportunity is all we ask for, when we are ready! Recovery is a personal thing and often referred to as selfish. This selfish ability is not to hurt others but to protect yourself from active addiction. I cant do recovery for you. Only you can do it for yourself and only if you are prepared to. As are the principles in active addiction the same for all addicts, so are the principles the same for the recovering addict. Recovery is not the same for all addicts but the principles do apply just as long as you put down the drugs and dont pick up, no matter what! Once you have achieved this then the sky is the limit. We all have limitations, straight people included. And let me be the first to tell you that our limitations are not obstacles. The simplest way for me to explain it is as follows: I cant drive an eighteen wheeler truck but that does not stop me from driving my car. I cant fly an aeroplane but I can still fly to Cape Town. I may not be the best looking boy in town but I can still get a girlfriend, get the message. There are only two things I cant do (actually three), that which I havent tried and that which does not interest me (and stick my elbow in my ear). What Im trying to say is that everybody has a purpose or a role to play in life. Which is why we are all different. The only common bond we have is

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the interests and beliefs we share. I am me and you are you. I do what I do and you do what you do. If no-one gets hurt then we get on. Thats where respect for each other come in. Respect yourself first then I know youll have respect for me. And I promise not to judge you so then youll not judge me, then well get on. Know yourself first then youll give yourself the time to know me and vice versa, then well get on. Love yourself and youll have love for me and vice versa, then well get on. I am better than no-one and no-one is better than me, we are all included in the scheme of things on an equal level, but the functions we perform are different so as to make the scheme of things work for the benefit of all. There are more important things to worry about in this world, like trying to make things work for you in life so that we all win, so dont pay attention to the trivial or meaningless things in recovery as they have no bearing on your life. If you do youll become what is known as a dry addict, life is the same as in active addiction with addict behaviour. The only difference is your not using. You have no recovery, why? Its your frame of mind that needs working on first. Why do you think of yourself as worthless? Why are you carrying resentments? Why do you think you dont deserve recovery? Why have you become so complacent? Why do you think life is so terrible? Why? Why? Why? Could it be that recovery is not working for you because you are not working recovery? I cant answer that for you, wish I could (typical addict bahaviour its easier not to do it than to do it). You have the answers in you, find them and live. Others are, so why not you too. Complacency is a killer in recovery as it opens you up to addict thoughts and behaviours. Complacency occurs when you think you have recovery waxed, till it bites you on the arse and you wake up after a relapse and ask how did that happen? Patience and tolerance, do what is required of yourself (you owe it to you and no-one else) and keep on trying. We all falter, as we are, again, only human. Everybody makes mistakes as there are lessons to be learnt why. The only real mistake is not to try and its sad, you are missing out on so much that life has to offer. Youll miss the opportunity if you dont wake up to it. Recovery offers all that you have asked for and aides you in identifying the opportunities as they arrive, so why pass on them, when all you are doing is passing them on and denying yourself (its silly and does not make sense to me). Recovery is personal and selfish and as I said before I cant do it for you. You will only be helped if you are prepared to help yourself and thats the truth (I am very passionate about recovery as it really is a gift and one that is available for all addicts looking to be cured from drug addiction). Youve served the master long enough. Now its time to serve yourself. Dont let your past dictate your future. Youve learnt your lesson so dont live in the past. Its not healthy! Life is meant to be enjoyed, not feared. Fears manifest and so does joy. I choose joy! Which do you choose? (clue: fear kept us in active addiction and it wasnt very pleasant, remember?) The only thing we are assured of in life is that the sun will rise to the setting moon. Recovery offers us the opportunity to make hay while the sun shines (I was just as philosophical in active addiction as what I am in this book. My friends will vouch for this because of the most profound things I would say. I remember one afternoon in a higher state of mind watching an international cricket game against South Africa. There were two tvs on and both showing the same game, but there was a delay between them. Each connected to a different decoder and this puzzled me or a while. Then genius here figured it out. One was analogue and the other was satellite. The genius part is that the analogue signal is

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one bounce and the satellite signal was a double bounce thus causing the delay. When I explained I got blank stares. Made sense to me. Use it, dont use). Addiction cannot be cured. It can only be controlled, which is why our approach to recovery should be of a positive nature. We have nothing to lose (weve lost it already) and all the more to gain. That which we have lost materially is gone, never to come back. Not a bad thing as they are replaced with the new and better as this is what recovery offers us, a new slate, new beginnings and the opportunity to set things right with ourselves first then others. In active addiction we destroyed relationships with family and friends and just as we need healing so do these relationships too and when the time is right we can make amends where ever possible (time heals all wounds). Harbouring grudges and carrying resentments will only stunt your growth, which is why we heal ourselves first to make everything all possible. This is not to say that we should avoid problems, deal with them as they arise and get them out of the way in order to move forward. If things bother you or if you are not to sure about things then express yourself and dont bottle up. It is not healthy. Learn to speak your mind and express your feelings find solutions youll be astonished by the therapeutic healing it brings on. Force yourself to open up to healing and never be ashamed of what comes out. I take my recovery very seriously even if Im sick. I dont take medication which contain mood or mind altering substances, so be honest with your doctor that you are a recovering drug addict and he will medicate you with safe medicines. There are no reasons for relapses! Only excuses!

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Chapter 6 The tools

I use the tools with purpose and meaning Undoing the burdens on me so bearing Lightening the load On this clear road A journey on which to embark In the sun, not the dark In faith and hope Not drugs and dope

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Surrender your will Weve discovered how easy this is, so while were in this frame of mind give to a power greater than ourselves. Enough said on this. Higher power Any power greater than ourselves with our best interests and for our own good. This higher power i choose to call god. A god of my own understanding as he has expressed himself to me. Ive come to know him as a loving and understanding god and i hope you do to! Faith and hope On which recovery is based. These two go hand in hand as without one, the other has no purpose. It instills a sense of knowing that everything will be okay in time to come. In faith and hope our mind set is imbedded on recovery creating the mental awareness needed for recovery to happen and to start the healing process. Patience and tolerance Patience and tolerance is what has to be applied to all aspects of recovery. From dealing with problems to identifying emotions. Being persistant in getting our lives back on track to finding employment. By employment I dont mean getting a job, its finding a rewarding and fulfulling career bringing every aspect of success into our lives. Patience and tolerance teaches us to accept the bad times and the good times as well as trial and error stages of recovery. Learn the lessons from the bad and enjoy the good (do not question either unless there are lessons to be learnt and skills to master). We also need to become patient and tolerant of ourselves and apply it to others. The calming effect is awesome as we come to know that we are powerless over people, places and things. Good things come to those who wait! Powerlessness This is what we all are and straight people included. We like to think that we have control but do we really! Just let things be and that will eradicate the domino effect of dominance and sub-missive behavior. The only things that we can actually control is ourselves and what happens to us and it stems from choice being in different situations. We learn what works for us and that which doesnt. I have met many control freaks, trust yourself so you can trust others, then that harmonious environment will be created for everyone to benefit from. The world would be a better place through understanding and motivation instead of the destruction that comes from trying to control. Keep control for yourself that way you wont set yourself up for a fall. We are powerless over our addiction but we control ourselves not to pick up the drugs. Simple strategy.

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Program The twelve step programme for me is the most beneficial one for any recovering addict, as it puts strategies in place for us that makes our recovery possible as we become productive members of society. Giving back what we have held back, ourselves and all that comes with us. So set up a programme that will enrich your life with all that is good and full of personal growth. Again I say that recovery is not about clean. Its not the quantity of clean time that matters but the quality of life living clean and sober. Do you want to exist or do you want to live? Your choice? Change Change everything about you which is associated with addiction and addict behaviour. Change is possible. Live by your nature and not the nature of your addict (that destructive tricky little bugger. You know the one). Change your thinking, your outlook on life, your attitude, your way of doing things. Change yourself into a recovering drug addict and embrace a life without drugs and alcohol. Very important, change your view of alcohol and see it as the downfall it brings with it! Change your perceptions and life in this mind set of change. Gratitude Keep a gratitude journal and write in it as often as possible all the things you are truly grateful of and for no matter how meaningless it may seem. Express and show gratitude when it is appropriate to. Give thanks and be thankful. There is so much i am grateful for. Im grateful for recovery and all that it has done for me. I am grateful for my family and friends and all the love, help and support they have given me in cleaning up. There have been some rocky times when I havent been the nicest person (yes! I have off days. Part and parcel of life). Im grateful for all the opportunities in my life and this book being one of them. When you think that things arent going so well youll be grateful for your gratitude journal as you can reflect on how well things really are! Life is not a bed of roses but what you make of it, its all up to you. Im grateful for the u-turn that my life has taken and the direction I am heading. Courage Strong as a bear and as brave as a lion (now Im getting ahead of myself here)! Nothing as severe as this, but courage enough to face our fears and stand our ground to deal with all that life deals us. Youll soon see that things arent as bad or as big as what we make of them. Life waits for no one. Courage gives us the ability to climb back in, not where we left off but at the point where we choose to fall in again. The past has gone but our future is there. You are the master of your own destiny and it will only go where you want it to. You can steer it out of fear or from faith and hope (a sense of knowing). I choose faith and hope. You?

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Fear How you see things and how you deal with things. Fear manifests into reality so dont entertain it. So many recovering addicts relapse purely out of fear of relapsing. So focused are they on this fear that it actually happens. Focus on the positive aspects in life and not the negative. Life is really good and gets better each day. Identify your fears, face them and embrace them then send them on their way once you have dealt with them. They have no place to live with you as they hold you back. Release your fears and move on to discover all that awaits you, if you want it (take it! Its what youve asked for, havent you)? There are two types of fear and weve just discussed emotional fear. The other fear is physical (sorry, cant help with this one only adrenalin can). Its called self preservation, use it!

Let go Let go of everything that will hold you back. Dont hang onto things that you yourself will place in front of you as obstacles. Remember there are no obstacles in recovery only limitations which we learn to cope with and soon accomplish. In active addiction we had obstacles which are more difficult to overcome than limitations. We did everything possible to please the master, didnt we? And we went out of our way to use didnt we? Active addiction is an obstacle in life. A jail sentence if you like and one that is self imposed. The good part is we are eligible for parole any time we like. So let go of active addiction and parole yourself and rehabilitate in recovery. Let go of your addict, your addict behaviour, your using thoughts. Most importantly is to let go of your friends and places in active addiction. Dont worry about them, worry about yourself first and hopefully your recovery will be contagious and they will catch it too once they see the positive changes in your life. I caught recovery from my sister, who had done all the rehabs for both of us. It was only when she went to a rehab that offered the twelve step programme did I really see the change in her. When she left rehab, I went with her to a twelve step support group meeting and have been clean ever since. She is six weeks ahead of me in clean time (remember recovery is not about clean time but quality of life living clean). My dad let go of his gambling addiction to the twelve step programme too, he is nearing nine years. Recovery works for all addicts irrelavent of the master. We share the same approach to recovery, I wont take mind or mood altering medicines when Im sick, he doesnt play lotto (my sister included). To let go is to surrender to help. Relapse Banish the thought. Relapse occurs through complacency, boredom, not working recovery. No reason to relapse, only excuses (Im hard hey?).

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Honesty Be honest with yourself in everything that you do, say, think and be. Then you will be honest with and to everybody around you watch as you slowly start building up and regaining trust. Thats all Im saying! (be yourself not the addict, if you have to fake it till you make it, then do so) The Twelve Steps

1.

We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, lives had become unmanageable.

that our

2. 3.

We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood him . We made a searching and fearless moral inventry of ourselves. We admitted to god, ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. We were entirely ready to have god remove all these defects of character. We humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings. We made a list of all the persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

4. 5.

6. 7. 8.

9.

10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will and the power to carry it out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

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Chapter 7 My recovery
My life destroyed or so I thought In courage I this battle fought Desperate and brave to face my fear Often, shedding a needed tear I needed this, I had to recover And I, myself, to re-discover I endured the hardships and the pain To fight for my life, Ihad to regain This went on for quite a while Often having to fake a smile I wont pick up, no matter what My addict against me trying to plot This voice eventually in subdue To my recovery I stuck like glue I found the life I seeked to require And all my heart held in desire My addict I have forgave As Im alive and in no grave A second chance Ive been given So have you, if youre driven?

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I begin this chapter buy saying that in two weeks time, 26 may 2002, Ill be eighteen months clean and sober. This book is a gift to myself, to share with you. The first months in recovery were hell, but worth it. If I had to go back and do it again then I would do it gladly as anything is better than active addiction. The grounding lessons learnt in the first months are what got me to this stage of my life which makes everything possible. Living life on lifes terms is no bed of roses, make no mistake about that (Im sure you straight people would agree?). Its dealing with everything that life is about whether it be in good times or bad, its about adapting to the situation and getting on with it. In active addiction we were all to pleased to experience good times, yet when faced by adversity we were no where to be seen (well physically maybe and thats about all) as we would escape into our warped little world back in the corners of our minds thinking it to be a safe place to hide. Our perception of adversity is a little less severe as the actual. But thinking back to my time in active addiction every molehill seemed like a mountain (hey cool, more excuses to use) as all we did were compounding our problems, piling them up one on top of another. In recovery these problems dont miraculously disappear (wish they did) but are the start of our growth by dealing with them. Cant avoid those dreaded creditors calls anymore, facing people we so magically avoided, not hiding from family either, being open and honest with ourselves as to who we really are and what we are going to do to fix our lives. In grounding ourselves we search for the answers deep within us and allow our true natures to lead the way in discovering our very essence of who we are (youll see we are pretty damn alright) and finding a sense of purpose in life for what ever reason it may be. No ones recovery is exactly the same, only the principles in making it happen. As you embark on your journey to self discovery as that is what it really is. Your pessimistic view of life will gradually change to one of optimism (remember negativity has no place in recovery- big lessons to be learnt here. Not negativity but complacency or fear of facing your problems and not being grateful). In recovery theres bitter pills to swallow. Take them as they are vitally important for your growth as they prevent us from returning to active addiction (think of them as vitamins). Even as I write this book I still have to take that bitter pill every once in a while. Life is what you make of it. You can choose to live in it or you can choose to exist in it. I choose to live and with choices there are consequences, be they good or bad I have to accept them as they came with my choices and cannot blame or give credit to anybody else other than myself. From bad comes good as we learn to see what works for us and that which doesnt. Anything that prevents us from returning to active addiction irrespective of the consequences is part of our growth process. It is said that our maturity growing stages are stunted in active addiction, so lets say you were twenty when in active addiction and kicked the habit at age twenty seven, then you would be a twenty seven year old with the maturity levels of a twenty year old. Please dont be hard on you if you compare yourself with straight people of the same age, theyve gone through all the head bump growing stages you are just starting on (youve only prolonged these stages thats all. We catch up quickly if you hang in there). Now, for my recovery! My addiction to mind and mood altering substances (steroids, drugs and alcohol) was nine years. Not consecutively though, as the first three years of my marriage I behaved myself only having an occasional drink at socials, no drugs or steroids at all.

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If I could go back in time and change things, would I? No! Not a thing because I would not be the person that i am now. I have learnt so much and my personal and spiritual growth has bloomed through all the lessons Ive learnt (and still learning daily). Some simple and some hard but worth it. Combining active addiction with recovery in regard to lessons that Ive learnt has empowered me with so much wisdom and knowledge that Im sure I would not have discovered elsewhere had my life had taken a different path. Not easy to explain this but I just know it so please trust me on this. Speak to any other recovering addict and youll be told the same. The lessons I have learnt weve discussed in chapter 6 under the tools and by applying them in life we see that we can overcome all. I came into recovery with the right mind set, no matter what I wont pick-up, Ill do whatever it takes to fight this and I will triumph (try with umph). They say that Africa is not for sissies and neither is recovery and as I said before recovery is not for the chosen few but for those who choose it! This chapter is about relationships as everything in life is relative. Recovery for me is having a relationship with life and all its ups and downs, disappointments, good times and bad, happy times and sad, things working out or not etc. Before we can have a relationship with life we have to have a relationship with ourselves first, as this will determine your relative life or existence in lifes journey. I am to have a fulfilled, prosperous, happy and successful life. I will not deprive myself of all that active addiction took away from me (with my permission), I broke it so I must fix. I cant be anybody other than myself (there is no one else qualified for the job. I asked but no one applied), and it was myself I discovered in recovery. Not a new and improved version or an upgraded model, nor some body brand new. The myself I discovered was me, the person I have always been, the same person I had neglected by destroying this relationship with myself. There was no way I could function in life living and being in this state. Early in recovery while getting re-acquainted with Jason I was shocked at what I had become (not me, I must have an evil twin somewhere), a purposeless human being (I fooled a lot of people in active addiction as I was ashamed of them finding out the truth about me). It took a long time for me to admit to myself that I was an addict. Even when I admitted to myself that I was an addict I still couldnt clean up. I battled for the last year in active addiction to quit the drugs by myself. I would last a couple of weeks then relapse, not realising then that alcohol kept on tripping me up (pardon the punn), I drank more and drugged less, then I would binge and then the cycle would start all over again. When I was drunk I new alcohol wasnt what I was really looking for and this was my road to relapse every time. Being drunk and fighting the cravings made me quite aggressive at times, luckily not getting physical bar one little incident at my local watering hole. I merely helped out the one waiter who was having a hard time with one of the patrons. My message to you, if you want to clean up say no to alcohol too. We cannot drink, it bites us and defeats us and becomes a cross addiction leading to relapses, ask any successful recovering addict. By successful I mean not using! I said in the beginning of the book that recovery held two meanings for me. Firstly that I would clean up and get better and secondly to recover all that active addiction had taken from me. These two meanings have bearing on my life everyday. I have daily healing and

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with this healing comes gifts and rewards, a lot of which straight people take for granted and it is there perogative to do so. Another way for me to define the second meaning of recovery is reclaiming and these are where the gifts and rewards come in, not just materially but non-materially as well (probably the most important and beneficial to the recovering addict as without them we have nothing). The material things you have lost, are gone. Never to return yet they can be replaced. Financially, emotionally materialisticly I was ruined. As I write this book I am still to pay off a lot of debts. Rome was not built in a day nor did active addiction happen overnight, my debts will be paid up with time as does recovery happen in time. I thank my family and friends for all their help and support in me getting this far (one of the rewards of recovery is healing relationships that active addiction destroyed). A big thank you to my parents who supported me unconditionally through all the lies and deceit and my wrong doings. Mom and dad I am blessed to have you as parents and one day Ill be able to make it up to you in whatever ways possible and am truly grateful for all you have done for me. My mom is a woman of substance and has endured a lot of hardship and pain, she has put up with three addicts (my dad a gambler, my sister addicted to over the counter medication and me) and never once turned her back on us as she was always there to help us out. To my dad a big thank you too for showing me that recovery is possible irrespective of which master we serve. I saw how faith and hope in a higher power worked in his life and the benefits there of. Mom and you have a right to walk around with your heads held high. Thank you. A big thanks to my sister too who went to all the rehabs for me. Here in one family you can see that the twelve step program really and truly works and is the key to a fulfilled life, free from active addiction. There are so many people who I need to thank which I will do face to face when the time is right. The most important person I need to thank and appologise to is my daughter Jayde. She taught me the true meaning of unconditional love. A better daughter no one could wish for. With her living in Ireland for the last few years shielded her from seeing me at my worst. I love her and miss her terribly and dont get to speak to her as often as Id like but she is always in my heart and thoughts. I only get to see her once a year and its hard on me as I think about the most important years of her life that Im missing out on. Recovery helps me to cope with this situation with my daughter and Im comforted to know that for that one month a year I still get to see her and have treasured memories of our times together. We have many years ahead of us and this is even reason enough for me to stay clean so I can enjoy the experiences of our brief times together. Jayde, I love and miss you booboo, daddy! In having a personal relationship with myself I have rekindled all my feelings, emotions, thoughts, ideas, wants, needs, dreams, hopes, desires, goals, successes now and future, coping and life skills enabling me to live life on lifes terms and to have a healthy relationship with myself, life and everybody else. This was only made possible by putting down the drugs and taking the time in getting to know me. During this time I discovered me and everything about me. How I think, what works for me and what doesnt, who I am and what I am, self forgiveness and self love. Life is good and gets better everyday! Recover to discover yourself! Have a relationship with life and everybody benefits! My relationship with myself and life is as it should be and accepting all the terms and conditions that apply, not letting my past dictate my future, not blaming

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others for my downfalls and shortcomings, not letting emotional fear deciding for me, using courage to take the steps forward to finding happiness, prosperity, success and fulfillment. Taking responsibility for my life and being the best that I can be and consciously search for the gifts and rewards that there are for me, and I know that they only come with effort. We reap what we sow, dont we? Today I am here through choice. I chose to recover by choosing to put down the drugs and accepting I will not use mind or mood altering substances and that I am an addict. This is a daily ritual and affirmation. I found affirmations to be extremely valuable in my recovery and I know theyll work for you to. This is one of the ways we re-programme our minds. 3x just for today I will not use 3x I have purpose in life 3x I am happy and successful in aspects of my life 3x I can do anything I put my mind to Write each one on a separate piece of paper and say them to yourself three times a day. When you wake up, in the afternoon and when you go to bed. Say each one three times. There is a reason for saying each one three times as it imbeds it in your sub-conscious mind. First time mind goes sure Ive heard it before (sarcastically), second time it says wait a moment you might be serious, third time it tells the subconscious to make a note of it and guide you to it. Do it, for twenty one days and see for yourself. It doesnt have to be these affirmations, you can use your own. Always affirm in the positive using positive statements and make them short, sweet and to the point. Affirm starting with I am or I can are powerful affirmations. Write them down and read them as it adds to the effectiveness of your affirmations. Think it! Believe it! Become it! Get involved in exercise of some sort, whether it be running, cycling or gym, whatever tickles your fancy do it. We owe this to ourselves. Healthy mind and a healthy body plus it keeps us sane. My body is another reward which Im getting back. I accept Ill never get to a lean 96kgs clean from steroids as my genetic structure wont allow it but Ill get to 80kgs and be equally happy. I have experienced the health benefits of recovery and training, during active addiction my pancreas was playing up and instead of quitting the drugs, I quit sugar and foods high in glucose (pretty dumb dont you think)? Over the past seventeen and a bit months my pancreas has stabilised and my sugar levels are normal now. See thats the thing with steroid abuse, the problems only surface later in life. Dont do it! Get cracking and get training and enjoy the natural release of endorphins. Now, we are not designed to live life alone! Which is why we have relationships with other people too, whether it be with family, friends, loved ones or work colleagues etc. There are people we get on with and people that we dont, people we like and people we dislike, people who inspire us and people who simply drain us. There are all types of people that we encounter on our lifes path so we all need to co-exist. This is possible by applying principles before personalities. I have asked for us not to be judged in this book so therefore in return we should not judge others (this applies to everyone. Addicts and straight people combined). Everyone has their own life to live and we cant live it for

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them. We are powerless over people, places and things. People make their own decisions and choices in life for the purpose of growth along lifes journey. Often our paths cross and if things work out, we like to take the credit for it, and if things dont turn out as we would have liked to then it is all to easy to blame everybody else. Everyone has a part to play so play it to the best of your ability and accept the responsibilities which are part of it. It is impossible to please everybody all the time, this is a fact of life, just do the best you can and be honest with yourself. The wheel of life turns continuously and its not our responsibility to be the downfall of others. Do others wrong and wrong will be done unto you (you get the picture). We need to create healthy and harmonious relationships to coexist, only possible by putting principles before personalities which comes from understanding other peoples view points which is determined by there frame of mind. If people act irrationally maybe its because they are going through tough times. With understanding comes compassion and we soon realise that we have no right to judge others. We only judge others by our own standards so again what works for one doesnt count for someone else. Whos to say we were right in the first place. Its in our personal approach and understanding that determines our actions and reactions along lifes journey. Recovery is a selfish programme so as to avoid relapses and to live life on lifes terms but this doesnt make us stingy people otherwise we could not be productive members of society. We give back what we have received in order to receive so as to give back. I have healthy relationships in my life today and when I meet people I give them and myself the time to understand and know the person. So often we are told by others that so and so is like this. And when we meet that very person we discover they are like that. Totally contradictory to what we were told. Because you dont get on with that person doesnt mean that I wont either. I prefer to make my own decisions thank you. I can get on with just about everybody and so can you which means well get on too. Today I get along with a lot of my using friends and we have mutual respect and understanding. I dont see them often (for obvious reasons) but when we do get together I make sure its a safe environment which they understand and hopefully one day theyll join me in recovery. I have very special relationships in my life, which I am blessed to have. From family to friends and even ex-girlfriends and I thank you all for the lessons Ive learnt. I look at the relationship I have with my parents (yes 33 years old and living with mom and dad since my divorce, not for to much longer, Ill be on my feet soonest, another reward of recovery), after all Ive put them through they are still there for me. The trust has been re-established and has become the foundation to our bond. We have our differences every now and then. Soon Ill be able to do for them what they have done for me. We have a good understanding with a lot of love and respect. Two very special human beings with strong characters and deeply rooted in principles and morals which I have received from them and applied to my life. Mom and dad I may not show it as best I can but I am grateful for all youve done for me in depriving yourselves so I can have. Thank you and I love you. You guys are the best. The relationship with my sister is strong and with us going through recovery together has strengthened our ties. Even in active addiction we were close even though we used to

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take advantage of each other with emotional blackmail. Between my mom and my brother-in-law they could write a best seller on coping and living with addicts. Just goes to show what can be accomplished out of love, understanding and compassion. In their sixteen years of marriage my sister was an addict for thirteen and my brother-inlaw never left her side and living with faith and hope that one day shell get better. And she did and her relationship with her daughter has blossomed and grown. My mom, having the same devotion to my dad, aided in his recovery too, all from understanding addiction and the addict. There is a support group too for the family of addicts. The relationship I have with my niece is like a big brother. She calls me Jason not uncle and I wouldnt have it any other way and in her eyes I can do no wrong. In my daughters eyes I can do no wrong too and we have an incredibly strong father-daughter bond. An amazing little girl. Then I have a deep rooted friendship with my buddy Robin. Its more than a friendship, hes the brother I never had and has always been there for me through thick and thin and me there for him. I have brother-sister relationship with his sister Dalene and his mom Vicky is like a mother to me too. Being so close they also felt the pinch of my active addiction. Thank you to the Millers. Robin and my friendship started in high school in 1986 and weve been close ever since, my partner in crime and womanising. I have many special friends in my life and I treasure our friendships especially Alan, his wife Candice and Melanie, including you Miss-B to name but a few. Lots of lessons learnt here in how true friendships work. And the friendships i have made with the people i grew up with and went to school with most of which i till contact with today. Then there are friends from active addiction who are genuinely good people and whos names i choose not to say. They know who they are Now I come to my intimate relationships starting with my ex-wife, Brenda. Let me start off by saying that I love short woman with dark hair and strong bodies. Abs and calves are my weakness, turns me into putty (my mom says Im not shallow but deeply shallow. I have always been fortunate enough to date very attractive woman. Before I was married steady relationships were not for me and again I appologise if I hurt any of you. Back to Brenda who was a provincial gymnast so already she scored bonus points. The physical attraction is always the initial attraction, once we get to know the person do we find out if there is a future or not. When I first met Brenda she was timid and very shy and we clicked. Slowly she started coming out of her shell as things started to progress. I got on well with far family and her with mine. Over time we thought we were ready for marriage (I had to stop the coke first, which I did and her family and mine had no idea of) and tied the knot. I knew that she was insecure and possessively jealous and I thought that they would go when we got married. I tried my best for her not to have any reason to feel these emotions, and this was the start of our problems, instead of us being able to work through them, all I did was accommodate her insecurities and gave them room to grow. She found a good career and I got involved with the family business with my inlaws, her mom and stepfather. I had a good relationship with both her father and stepfather. Her dad lives in Johannesburg and her mom and stepfather in Cape Town. Within the business they ran it from Cape Town I looked after the Gauteng region. We manufactured and marketed cosmetics which were skin treatments from a doctor from

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London. It took off very well and there was lots of money to be made. Brenda, Jayde and myself had everything. There were still parts of our marriage that needed attention and to the outside world we seemed to be the perfect couple. All marriages have problems I know, we just couldnt get past her insecurities and jealousies, and I accept my responsibilities for the marriage not working. We really did try to make it work. The financial partner in the business crippled us and skipped the country, during the same time myself and brother-in-law were trying to set up a business in America to market our products there. We had sold everything we had and were ready to go. We pulled out of the American deal weeks before it was to happen because we did not trust our partners who were setting the American market up for us. To cut a long story short we were in dire straights and had lost everything. Our marriage collapsed and there was nothing to salvage, eventually Brenda and myself merely existed in the marriage. The last year was traumatic for us and the drugs started to come back into my life. At first just ecstacy and after the divorce I went off the rails. The divorce gave me excuses to use again and it wasnt long before I found the coke again and everything else, all within about eight months of the divorce and I simply gave up. This lasted just over four years. The pain of the divorce was unbearable, and I swore to myself that I would never go through or feel that pain again, nor would I inflict it on anybody else. This would be immensely cruel and heartless of me. I have no regrets about my marriage and Brenda and myself are good friends today and I hold nothing against her. We had many good times together and shared a lot of common interests. We both had a passion for motorbikes and we each had a superbike. One experience Ill never forget was when myself, Brenda and the rest of her family (who also had bikes) all went to the buffalo rally together. An incredible weekend. Its strange how people come into your life at just the right time. Here I will introduce you to three other woman who had a strong impact on my life and for the lessons each one taught me. Ill refer to them by the nicknames I gave them. They are Bunny, Fudgie and Ross. The lessons I learnt from Bunny is that it is possible to love again and one must not fear taking that chance in finding love (which brings to mind the saying it is better to have loved and lost than to never to have loved at all). Being a Libran, I admire beautiful things and am a hopeless romantic. I met bunny a few months after the divorce and I wooed with flowers and poetry till she agreed to have supper with me and we hit it off pretty well. She had just come out of a ten year relationship and she also learnt that life with someone else is possible (didnt have to be with me but with anybody whom she wanted to) and we helped each other to get over the hurts and pains of our previous relationships as best we could. At supper she told me that she had gone or an interview to work in Dubai and did not want to get involved or hurt me. She got the job and we shared an amazing few months together before she left. She knew about my using as we had met in a club. We got on very well and I have some memorable times with her, eventually the time had come for her to leave and she was off to Dubai for two years. I was devastated at first but knew the drugs would sort me out. We kept in contact all the time and not realising that the drugs were giving me a false sense of love. I was more in love with the idea of being in love than I was in love with her. She hated Dubai and returned after six months by which time I had gone through my grieving period with not a scar thanks to the drugs. When she got back she told me she needed time and space and that was that. I moved on and never pursued her as I was with my true love being the drugs. Bunny is a

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beautiful girl and a beautiful person, she is extremely motivated and driven and if we were to have had a relationship when she returned from Dubai I wouldve held her back from achieving her goals and ambitions. She deserved more than that I thank her for the brief period in my life and for all she did for me. We bump into each other now and then Im glad to see how successful she is and is getting married at the end of the year. Congrats Bunny and may you find all the very best that life has to offer. The time period between Bunny and Fudgie was over a year and no relationships in between other than with the drugs. Having a weakness for abs and calves I also find maturity in a woman an extreme turn on and have gone out with some older woman in the past. Hence, one of my attractions to Fudgie. I had known Fudgie in the past (before the drugs during my little steroid binges) as we had a few common friends in the social circles that we mixed in. One guy that she dated is still one of my best friends today. She was a dancer (now get your minds out of the gutter, not a stripper but danced in productions) so imagine the legs and abs on this girl. We bumped into each other one night and rekindled our friendship. By this time I was trying my best to clean up and relapsing all the time. She was very anti-drugs and I thought that if I got involved with her then I would succeed in kicking the drugs, she had no idea about my addiction as I could hide it well. Make no mistake, I was no idiot during active addiction and my mind was sharp, just that my addicts mind was sharper, anyhow she was attracted to my intellect and knowledge of the human mind, I have always been quite philosophical, I had all the knowledge and wisdom of the human mind but was not strong enough to kick the habit totally. The mind and body has always fascinated me and I read books on anatomy and mind power often, also from training and cycling I had extensive knowledge of how the body functions and how easily it can be manipulated. Im going off on a tangent here so coming back to Fudgie. She was a very bitter and angry person from being hurt from relationships. I helped her work on this by changing her mind set and re-programming it (affirmations work) and indirectly working on myself. I always knew that I would clean up one day only never knew when. In working with Fudgie she was working with me as I could see the changes in her. I still believed it would take a relationship to do the trick. I pursued her and chased her thinking that she was my lifeline, things started progressing between us and I was so desperate to clean up and I thought this is it. Thinking back as I write this our relationship would never have worked and I confused our physical relationship with that of a steady one. Neither of us were ready and an addict is incapable of having a healthy relationship. We would have ended up hating each other, in writing this I put principles before personalities in order for me to be honest. From Fudgie I learnt a lot and most importantly that it would take me to clean up and no one else. Also that self preservation is only applicable after the relationship is over and not during and to be yourself so as the other person gets to know you completely so they can see you for who and what you are. If you hide yourself in relationships they will never work. Today Fudgie and myself are best of friends and am proud of her as to how far she has come. She is also finding her spiritual path in life and is growing in leaps and bounds. She still doubts herself every once in awhile, dont we all? She has lost the anger side to her and replaced it with a positive outlook on life and facing and dealing with her issues to finding serenity. Well done Fudgie and thanks for your friendship. A stunning person

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with lots of potential to really make it in life (of which I have no doubt she will) and has a lot to offer. All the best to you Fudgie in the future! The points Im making with these relationship stories is that only I could clean up for my myself and no one else could get me to clean up as I thought. By the same token nobody could make me relapse other than my self if it had to have happened, so let me continue and tell you about Ross. I was ten months into recovery and things were finally starting to take shape in my life. I was working and my parents had helped me to by a car in their name, my mind focused and I knew what I wanted out of life and with patience, tolerance, hope and faith I would achieve it. I also knew exactly what attributes I was looking for in a girlfriend and I was not prepared to get involved with someone for the hell of it, because I was lonely (yes recovery can be lonely but you are not alone), also it would not be fair on the other person. Ross and myself have a bit of history together which dates back to my cycling days. She was this cute and spunky little beautician who used to wax my body and helped me with my steroid induced acne problem (my back was bad, thanks Ross). She was also very married which I respected. I would tease her and chat her up and she would put me in my place time and time again. Very sharp this beautician is. A very honest and straight forward friendship developed over the years and we got to know each other for who we were. To cut along story short she got divorced then met someone else and moved to the country while I had got married. During this time we had bumped into each other once and it was like we had never lost touch. Years later and my tenth month of recovery she bumped into my sister and asked me to give her a call. We met for coffee and she was shocked at the sight before her and I could see it in her face (she shouldve seen me when I started recovery, that wouldve been a shocker). With us always having an honest and straight forward relationship I knew I didnt have to hide anything from her and told her about my drug addiction. We chatted for hours and reminist over the past and played catch up. She hadnt changed and got better with age. Coffee became supper and I was smitten with her all over again. Within the first half an hour I knew that Ross was all I was looking for and so much more. I behaved myself that night because I wanted to be sure about this. We went to movies during that week and by the Saturday I knew, Ross is the one and I sensed that she was developing feelings for me too. In that week we played mind games feeling each other out. We connected on all levels and as our relationship developed we agreed to take things slowly and see where it would lead us. She had been hurt a few times in the past and did not want to repeat the same mistakes again. Recovery had helped me deal with and overcome my issues in life and to let things happen naturally, I was ready for this. Ross had a few reservations about us, one being that she is five years older than me and thinking that one day Ill look for someone younger which had happened to women that she knew of. This would never happen as she was exactly what I was looking for in a woman in every conceivable way and to fill her shoes would take someone not of this earth. Two months into our relationship her self preservation kicked in when she thought things were happening to quick and she did not want to open herself up to being hurt and put the brakes on. Around this time my grandmother passed away. This was tough on me but I stuck to my guns and did not relapse as now I had plenty of using excuses. Two weeks later my grandfather passed away and instead of using I stopped smoking (the mind is an incredibly strong tool if you apply it). At the

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time of my grandfathers passing Ross and I agreed to be friends as the friendship was far more worth saving than the relationship. Wasnt long before we were back together. We had tried to put boundaries and restrictions on us but they did not work, the universe had other ideas for us. The bond that I had with her daughter and son was awesome and really enjoyed our times together. I would fetch them from school every second Friday and the afternoon would be our time. For Ross and myself to be able to make it meant that we all had to get on with each other (myself and her children, as she put it, it was a package deal and one that I gladly accepted as this is what I was looking for. We all got on well and I missed being a dad). Ross and my relationship grew and progressed then took a wrong turn somewhere with us putting so much pressure on each other that we lost the plot to make it work. No relationship has a chance when either party applies pressure, let alone both. We would listen to each other and not hear what the other one was saying and I accept full responsibility for my part. Eventually Ross applied the brakes again when her sense of self preservation kicked once more. We had the makings of a life long commitment. The details of the failings are not important but it is a bitter pill to swallow when someone you love in entirety walks out on you. Here was the woman of my dreams who I had envisioned growing old and living a fulfilled life with, now gone. I know the mistakes I made and I cant go back into the past to correct them but I have grown from them and life goes on. Ross, thank you for believing in me and encouraging me to write this book for its been in my head for so long, and finally, here it is. We had opportunities to make it work and I realise that we needed this time apart to deal with ourselves and grow from this. From you I have learnt a lot. Thanks for being you and for your love and support. From the relationship I learnt that it progresses at its own pace and no matter what we do the progression is natural and we tried to go with the flow. My self preservation kicked in afterwards and Rosss during our time together. Relationships do not work under pressure and we were unfair to each other, which brought us down. Being powerless over people means we cannot force someone to do things against their will as they need to make conscious decisions for themselves. The last few weeks have been great and thanks for your understanding. You are a stunning, intelligent and amazing person (not to mention extremely sexy), we have some very deep conversations which I still enjoy and am glad that we have no regrets. My feelings for you have not changed and you still rock my world Ross! Ill never forget you. As you can see by living life on lifes terms does not constitute a relapse. Relapses are self inflicted by not taking responsibility for our own actions. My grandparents passed away who were always there for me and I suffered a great loss along with the rest of my family, I went through some rocky stages with Ross but my life is just as important as everyone elses. Im not captain recovery, Im just committed. With what Ross and myself went through towards the end I was frustrated with myself and thought I could have one cigarette and Ill be fine. Nope. Still trying to quit again which Ill get to in chapter eight. Stay focused and committed and all is possible. They say we should avoid intimate relationships in the first year as we are still trying to heal the relationship with ourselves. My most important relationship is the one with my higher power who has made this all possible. I have seen how having a personal relationship has changed my life and the lives of all recovering addicts. Within time you will come to know this too!

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To my grandparents, Pat and Ernie, who have been an inspiration to me all my life. Thank you. Rest in peace.

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Chapter 8 You
Stop the using, I know you can I urge everyone, woman and man Just for today I will not drug On addiction I pull the plug Do it and youll find A serene peace of mind As you recover Yourself to discover

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Welcome to your recovery. This chapter is devoted to you, to make the decision by admitting who you are and what you intend to do about it. I know it was not easy but well worth the journey to self discovery. Addicts come and go as do dealers but the drugs will always be. If you, the reader have never taken drugs then leave it at that and pat yourself on the back. If you have been thinking of trying it? Please dont! For some of us fortunate ones its a long and bumpy uphill climb back, a journey that many people never had the privilage of accomplishing or finding. For the addict reading this book, there is hope if you choose to recover. Do it and do it now. Tomorrow may never come. To the straight person I hope you found this book to be informative and to better understand addiction and the addict. Maybe even you managed to apply some of what you read and understood to your life. What you have read are my thoughts and my own personal philosophies on life which have helped me to get this far. My family have been kind by letting me include their testimonies on condition that I give to you the poems which I wrote for them as they hope it will inspire you as much as it did them. So thank you to my dad (Albie), sister (Jodie) and couson (Kerryn). Living proof in one family that it is possible and being done. Im not an unreasonable person and am willing to do this with you, the reader. I saw how easy it was to be addicted by lighting that first cigarette after having quit for two months. So Ill start, then you? I, Jason Firmani, admit that I am powerless over my addiction to nicotine. I surrender my will to my higher power (my god of my understanding) and pray for his will over me and the knowledge to carry it out. Just for today I will put down the cigarettes and not pick up. No matter what! This I promise to myself. Now its your turn! I, , I surrender my will to , I will put down the , admit that I am powerless over my addiction to , just for today

, and not pick up no matter what! This I promise to myself. (do it for twenty one days and see?)

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Jodie Wonderland Hang in there my little sis On your road to bliss Who am I to point and judge As you, over obstacles, now trudge As youve seen, addiction does not discriminate Yet, out of it only the strong will eminate Through tears of sorrow and joy youll cry When time answers to your question of why Wonderland is not great Simply a euphoric mind of state A vehicle to leave reality To withdraw in totality Euphoria your mind to rape Wonderland your place to escape Reality is what is now Endure the pain in appreciation of how Kicking is half the battle won Day at a time, no magic wand Others have, others will, you can Youre strong, stick to your plan It is habitual to take Now, habitual to forsake Think it! Believe! Become it! Just about you keep your whit From out of the depths of despair Comes your road to repair Not alone, I to you do say Be positive and in thanks to pray As you draw strength from those around Look for your lifeline it will be found Listen to their stories and take to heart Dont sit one side to be apart

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We are all one and the same Bonded and joined by guilt and shame One for all and all for one To defeat this battle that weighs a ton Back to back, stand and fight Kick it hard with all your might This is poison, me it will kill Dont need it, to live I will Every morning when you awake These words I give you to take Today, I will stay clean Because it is what you mean Yes, its hard I kid you not But what it takes, youve got the lot Stick around and pray, but do not fear As humans, our only limitations to put our elbows in our ear

Jodies story: As at today I am exactly 19 months clean and sober. I started my recovery in a rehab because I never felt that I was capable enough of doing this recovery thing alone. In rehab I was introduced to the 12 steps. My story starts about thirteen years ago when my daughter was only around 1 and a half years old at the time. I had sinus problems and my darling doctor told me to use sinutabs (the pink and white ones with codeine), for pain. He said this was cheaper than getting script after script filled off my medical aid. I took these for a good couple of months and then decided to have the sinus problem corrected by having a nose operation. Up till now I had realised that these tablets took away the pain and also at the same time made me feel really good. After the operation I remember thinking well surely now I dont need these tablets my operation is now done. I was only home 24 hours and I felt that over whelming need to take a sinutab. Why did I feel this way? It made no sense to me at all. Little did I know that I was well and truly physically and mentally addicted to these tablets already. My mother went to my doctor and told him that she suspected I had a problem with these sinutabs. Her chemist had told her how much I was buying from them. They also suspected something. What did he do about it? Just gave me more tablets when I saw him next and asked for them and I even got them on a script to make it cheaper for me. It might even sound like I am blaming him for my addiction but I am actually not. I just think that I resent him to a certain degree for having introduced me to these death tablets. This was the start of my downward spiral to hell on earth. I started off on about 2 tablets 3 4 times per day. Soon this wasnt enough anymore. Within a two year span I was taking a minimum of 8 tablets at a time up to 4 times per day. My family realised I had a problem by now and booked me into a government rehab . I was only there for two weeks and then discharged. I dont even think that I lasted 2 weeks out of rehab before going back onto my tablets at

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full steam ahead. Another two years went by. By now I couldnt get through a day or anything for that matter without my fix. I was once again put back into the same government rehab and this time didnt even make the two weeks to dry out. I felt so lost by now that I new I had big trouble but I didnt know how to cope with it. I was terrified of the drugs but even more terrified of not having them. I was well and truly hooked. Years and years of abuse of up to 60 tablets a day started taking its toll on my life. I tried so many times to stop. Like cutting down, having my husband dispense less to me, hiding them from myself. You name it I tried it. This all went on until approximately July 1998. This is when the big trouble hit. You think by now that god it cant get worse but guess what it does and in a big big way. I had a very serious accident at work where I almost died. I was operated on and after that I went through some very intense and painful occupational and physio therapy on a daily basis for months. I was in pain for 24 /7. Of course all the doctors were willing to give me anything I wanted because of it. Its around this time that I discovered cocktails. Here I saw that if I mixed all the medication they were giving me together I could go on a high of note and none of my ailments could worry me. I was taking sleeping tablets, tranquilisers, sinutabs (as always) and valoids. You name it and I took it. This went on for at least 6 months and it was in this time that I started having memory blackouts. Its very scary let me tell you not to remember hours that you lose out of your life. I had started losing weight after my accident and I wasnt well for long time and by now I had lost around 60kg. Around this time I had a nervous breakdown, and ended up in a 5 star fancy mental hospital for help. Ha ha I was dried out for a couple of days and then I spent another two weeks there monitored by the doctors. In this time I was put on a hole lot of new, good, heavy drugs. Wow it was great. Anti-depressants, tranquilisers, heaviest sleeping tablets available. I was released and took so many of these tablets mixed that that 30 days worth lasted me just under 7 days. I was having a ball on all these legal drugs. It was at this time that I pawned all my and my husbands jewellery worth at least r50 000 for around r5000. I needed cash because i had certain chemists that would sell anything to me over the counter as long as it was cash. No script needed. Anything I wanted I got from these chemists. Never a question was asked as long as I paid cash no one cared. It was just after this that I had a very serious brain seizure in front of my husband and my daughter. I came too in my bedroom with a hysterical daughter, a terrified husband, and a very distraught mom and dad as well as a room full of paramedics that had me hooked up to every machine they had. I spent the night in hospital. I also never thanked my husband for saving my life as I thought when I came too that he was trying to have me taken away against my will. I didnt realise what had happened to me so I just got paranoia and screamed at him like a raving lunatic instead of thanking him. Of course this did not stop me. It was business as usual the very next day as I got home. My husband tried locking up all my stash as he called it, in our safe so that he could monitor what I was taking. Of course I was always to clever for him and always had a back up plan in case of these emergencies, because he had tried to do this to me many times before. In this period we also went to America on holiday. I took a good 4 weeks worth of tablets with me. (100 rehypnols, 800 sinutabs, and 150 valods). We would be away 3 and a half weeks and I did not want to run out. Needless to say I went on a binge from the moment I hit that aeroplane seat and I finished my tablets within the first 12 days of my holiday. I landed up in hospital in Kissimmee twice while I was there with a bladder infection according to them. It turned out that I had a 1cm

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kidney stone in my right kidney and this was only discovered on our return to South Africa. I could not get anymore tablets in America so I was well and truly out. They do not sell codeine over the counter in America and no one would give me more than 20 on a script. My holiday and everyone elses around me turned into a nightmare. I could not wait to get home. I was going through withdrawal and I was in pain in a strange country. I was desperate and very miserable. The best holiday I could ever have wished for was turning into hell for me self induced of course. I was on a roller-coaster to hell and I couldnt stop it. I had to have surgery to get rid of the kidney stone and now I was even getting pethadine along with everything else. A couple of months later I ended up in another rehab. I was in Tara for about 3 months. The longest clean time I had had in years. I went through hell but it did not stop me. No I only lasted 6 weeks out before I was back on all my stash. This was now in the July of 2000. When I started up again I hit the worst period ever in my life. From July 2000 October 16 2000 I took so many tablets that how I am still here today is truly a miracle. I was taking: 20 sinutabs, 4 valoids, 2 tranquilisers in the morning 20 sinutabs, 4 valoids, 2 tranquilisers at around 12:30 15 sinutabs, 2 valoids, 1 tranquiliser at around 3:00 30 sinutabs, 6 valoids, 2 tranquilisers at around 5:30 30 sinutabs, 4 valoids, 12 rehypnols at around 10:00 If I could not get rehypnols then I would take anything I could get my hands on. At this time I was having panic attacks severely. I could not even function in any way as a normal person. I was aggressive and very hysterical at times. I was blacking out so much that I was losing 2/3 of my day everyday. Its not like passing out. To others you look like you are there but it is as if your brain goes to sleep only so when you come around you are still in the same place but you cannot remember what has happened in that blank space of time. I started forgetting everything. I couldnt remember things like numbers, names, places I had been, or even things I had done. As an example one night my husband went out to get us take-aways. He was only gone for about an hour. In this short time I had a blackout. I came around alone and scared. I could not remember where my husband was and I couldnt remember his cell phone number to call him and ask him where he was. He came home to a hysterical wife clueless to her surroundings. This went on for weeks. My mom and dad were also at their wits end. My dad new about the twelve step programme at one of the leading private rehabs. He asked me to phone the helpline. I phoned this help line with a lot of skepticism. I spoke to 2 really great guys. They really tried to help me but also told me that I couldnt get well over the phone and I would have to come to one of the narcotics anonymous meetings to start with the healing. I did not want to go. I had become very reclusive by now and hated mixing with people. I was pushed by my family and I went to my first meeting. I cried through the first half of that meeting, (real dronk verdriet), talking rubbish and gibberish to anyone that would listen. Then to add insult to injury I blacked out for around 10 minutes and came to not remembering where I was or how to cope with where I was. I had a panic attack. I was hysterical, it took 6 members to calm me and get me back to my husband waiting for me in the car park. I didnt even know how to get back to him on my own. My daughter at this time was spending very little time with us at home. She spent most of her time with my mom and dad. After I had that seizure she was terrified and she wouldnt come home too much. My husband did his best to keep her around but I was taking up so much of his

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time he just couldnt cope with both of us. I can only thank god that my mom and dad were also there to help give her a sort of normal life. It was at this time that I was persuaded to go into the 12 step rehab. The day that I walked in I walked in a total wreck of a human being. I went into rehab purely to get out of having to start a new job on the Monday. I had been for an interview the previous week and had even got the job. When I got home I didnt even remember the interview or even the building I had been in. Yet I still managed to con the person and get the job. Addicts can and are very devious people when in active addiction. I didnt really want the job my husband wanted me to get out and have a life and he thought this job was what I needed. Once again ha ha. So to get out starting this job I went into rehab on the Sunday. I may have gone in with this attitude but let me assure you that my attitude did a 360 degree turn in the next 6 weeks. My first 10 days were hell on earth. I was going through a horrific physical as well as mental withdrawal. They make it look rough on TV but let me assure you that it is 50 times worse in real life when you are going through it. They had to put me on a special medication called methadone to wean me in the first few days. If they dont you can actually have a heart attack and die, if left to go cold turkey from day one. I thought I was not so bad because I was only on over the counter drugs. Little did I know that I was as worse off as the heroine addicts and let me tell you it was horrific. There is no distinction if you are taking street drugs or over the counter. Dont fool yourself in believing otherwise. Going through withdrawal in a room with 3 other heroin addicts trust me there was no distinction. This was like nothing I had ever been through before. I was so angry with myself for allowing things to come this far. In the second week I started getting involved in my twelve step program that I was given. I started out with a lot of skepticism. How could all this writing and talking possible help me and my problem? How could this just for today stuff ever really mean anything to me or make a difference in my life? All these questions my very much alive addict was battling to cope with. It didnt suit my addict. My addict in me wanted to doubt everything. It suited me to. Boy was I wrong. Once I started and got into the work we had to do I realised that it was making a huge difference to me. How I felt about myself. For the first time in years I really had to look at myself. I had to disect every aspect of my life in every way possible. I answered so many questions in my life. I found out why I was always so self destructive and I was put on that long road to recovery with the tools I would need to walk that road. One day at a time really did start to mean something to me. I realised that I had to take my life and my recovery one second at a tome if necessary and not that no matter what I could not pick up the drugs. No matter what I had to say no. no to drugs. I realised that one is too many and a thousand will never be enough. I also had to understand that all addictions go hand in hand and to keep truly on the right road I had to stay away from all addictive behaviour including not drinking any alcohol. I had never been any kind of an alcohol drinker but I realised that if I drank alcohol this could lead me to crave my drugs. By not getting the high I would like to get through Alcohol would make me crave the drugs of my choice. I realised even though I had never thought about alcohol I could see how easy it would be to cross-addict to something like alcohol. I heard how a lot of addicts cross addict very easily and I did not want that to happen to me. So now I abstain from all mood and mind altering drugs and alcohol. It is all so complicated and yet also all very simple too. Recovery has never been easy for me. I really have taken each day as it has come to me, got through it and sometimes even

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enjoyed it. I still live with a lot of the consequences of my addiction. There are periods in my life that I have totally forgotten. I sometimes have no recollection of a lot of things that happened to me in active addiction. I have had to accept that I did this to myself and I can get through life now without drugs. As things come up now I have to deal with them with a sober and clean mind. I have had many obstacles put in my way over the past 8 months but I have managed to get through them one day at a time. I know that if I had not gone into rehab when I did I am sure that I would not have made it to December 2000. I thank god that I have taken stock of my life and am alive and not in Wespark Cemetary. I would like to thank my husband, Vivian, for his tireless patience with me and for all his help in the darkest time of my life, for the love and the understanding. I thank my mom and dad, Cheryl and Albie, for helping me with my daughter when things were falling apart and not to mention the unconditional love and support you showed me. To my grandparents, Patsy and Ernie, that I lost in December 2001. Thanks for the hours of company that you gave me in my height of addiction and also the love an the support you showed me. To my brother, Jason, for standing by me as a comrade in my addiction and also for joining me on this journey. Mostly to my darling daughter, Daniella, you endured years of a mother that was never really there emotionally for you. You have grown up a beautiful and talented girl despite me and I love you for it. I am glad you come home now and you seem happy so I must have done something right. Thank you for your love and support through some very difficult years. You all helped me every inch of the way. You all never gave up on me. I thank you for this and love you all very much. I am just glad that I have been given an extended lease on life to make it up to all of you. **The poem put in with my story was written for me by Jason and given to me in rehab. It kept me going during a very hard time in my life. Thanks Jason.

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To Kerryn: To our own lives are we the authors Yet in life both students and tutors For to half we learn The rest we earn From the twelve steps you will find Times when you were hard and kind Times when you were happy and sad Times when you were calm and mad The twelve steps offers a new foundation To be applied in daily application For gambling too is an addiction No known cure only arrestation Step 1 is the crux to it all Admit powerless so as never to fall In life things happen for a reason Never as clear as the changing of a season As family we often take each other for granted As sure as the farmer knows what hes planted But out of the blue a storm appears And what was always sure now disappears

Not gone and forgotten But a time of separation to grow and reflect on As we all have now come together again Our family bonds to strengthen and deepen For in that time we were apart Gave us the experiences needed for this rejuvinated start For each to help and to show Whats required for our family to grow No resentments or regret Just true faith on each other to bet United we stand, divided we fall Never to a no answer call

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Friends come and friends go Some have gone to a place we dont know But family lasts till the end A promise at birth on which we depend To motivate, help and encouragement for you A foundation of support in times of feeling blue A collective of experiences learnt to share For each other to nurture and care, Love Jason Kerryns story: Hello, my name is Kerryn and I am a compulsive gambler. I am a 33-year-old mother of 2. I wanted to write about what happened to me, because it may help others not to become like myself and if this could help at least one person, I know then that my life is changing for the better. I had a perfectly happy childhood and have a wonderful family so I cannot blame anything or anyone in my life, for where I am now, except myself. I started like so many others. Going to the casinos every now and then, my parents and family being avid gamblers, I would often join them, spending a small amount of money. Even though they did introduce me to casinos, I must say that in no way are they responsible for my lack of control. The more times I won, the more times I would visit the casino. I had my favourite machines that I played. I would actually get upset if i went in and someone else was playing my machine. Then quiet a few casinos opened a lot closer to home. I then started spending a lot more time at the casinos. I would go for an hour after work and started lying to my family about my whereabouts and the amounts of money I was spending. I have two small children who needed me and as much as I hate admitting it to myself, I began to spend too much time away from them. While I was at home with them, I was planning my next escape to the casino. I would also then feel very guilty and buy them things to try to appease my guilt. My husband often knew I was going to the casinos but he had no idea of the amounts of money I was spending or where I was getting it from. I would leave my bank cards at home with him, but in the meantime, I had applied to various banks for credit cards, which he did not know about, and eventually got us into a very bad financial state of affairs. Still this did not stop me. I clearly remember walking out of the casino, hating myself and wishing I could die on the way home so that this would all end. In fact once, I actually drove home through red traffic lights, hoping someone would smash into my car and end this all. I knew I had a problem but did not want to do anything about it, because then I knew I could never go into another casino again. I was going to a casino at least 5 times a week. At times my husband would go to the casinos with me. I would give him some money and he would go off and play. See, this way he never saw how much money I was spending. I lost the respect of my husband and had no friends anymore as I was always letting them down! This I could not bare.

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A very good friend of mine, became the person who I have to thank for getting me onto the right path. She and I had not spoken for years but it just so happened that she contacted me after going through hell herself now being a member of NA. She told me all about her recovery and is such a beautiful person, someone I hope to become one day. I started confiding in her and eventually she convinced me to come clean with my family. That evening, I dont know how it happened, but I told all to my husband. He only looked at me, very hurt and said that he knew what was happening but could do nothing, he said that he was just waiting for it all to end, he thought, through a divorce and us loosing everything. I cannot tell you how hard it was to tell him what I had been doing and to see the look in his eyes, but the immense relief once it was all out in the open was huge! The next morning I phoned my folks and told them, my mother and I having a very close relationship. I knew she would blame herself and would have done anything to convince her that in no way was she to blame. I then contacted the help line and after speaking to that angel for over an hour, phoned our local gamblers anonymous group and found out where the meetings were. I remember my first meeting, sitting outside of the centre, and thinking of every reason why I should not go inside. Eventually, I got out my car and went into the meeting. I remember bursting out into tears as I walked in, feeling so humiliated and hating myself. The people there were nothing but nice to me and made me feel comfortable to be there and welcomed me. To each and every person there, I truly thank you. It has now been 4 months since I have gambled and I must say that the first few months very indeed very hard. I found myself one evening begging my mom to take me to a casino and eventually, she talked me out of it. I then made use of the phone list given to me at GA and now I can say, that it has become so much easier. To phone someone who knows what I am going through helped and still does. Not only did they help me to stop gambling, slowly they are helping me become a better person and to start liking whom I am. In no way and I at the end of the road, but I now have become addicted to getting well and to start becoming a better person. You do not realise how much you miss while being controlled by the disease and how much you gain once you start arresting it. Although I have not gone into the nitty gritty details of how bad a person I became whilst gambling and what terrible things I did, believe you me, if you have thought about it, I did it and still hate myself for it, but the one thing I wake up feeling each day is that today I will try to make a difference. To each of you who have supported me through this time, whether it is family or friends or fellow GA members, I can only thank you from the very bottom of my heart and hope each one of you know how very much I do appreciate you. Most of all i thank my husband and two boys and my mother, who have never given up on me and continue to support and encourage me daily. Update: It is now 13 months that I am clean, and I must say that the road has been long and hard but I feel that without attending my weekly GA meetings and doing the intensive 12-step program, I certainly wouldnt have made it thus far. These things have become my insulin and have also shown me how I can become a better person. The support you get

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at these groups is immeasurable and since the first day of being clean, my life has taken a turn for the better. Albies story: 25th august 1993, the first day of the rest of my life. I attended my first gamblers support group meeting and realised that I am not unique and the terrible person I thought I was as I suffered from an illness that cannot be cured, only arrested. And so started my long recovery. As I write this testimony it is eight years and nine months to the day that I attended my first meeting. And man do I feel good due to the twelve step programme! I tried various forms of gambling, poker, faa fee, horse racing and casinos and ended up a loser. My recovery started at my first meeting when I said hello, my name is Albie and I am a compulsive gambler. As you are aware as an addict we are the best liars, con artists and dreamers in the world. May be 2nd to politicians. The lengths we went to, to get money to feed our addictions, being a gambler is not as noticeable as an alcoholic or drug addict. As the addiction grows we undergo a change in personality which we cannot notice, but our families do and as a result suffer extensive damage. I broke the trust my wife had in me, a hurt which may never be overcome, only time can heal this feeling of being let down by your loved one. Cheryl never turned against me as she continued to give her love and support. The most important medicine necessary to my recovery from being a compulsive gambler to living a 100% gambling free life. I love you Cheryl, my blessing from god. Without your love and support, who knows what mightve happened to me? Over the years I have applied the twelve step program in my recovery. I never missed a meeting for the first six years. I still attend meetings today to remind myself of my illness and continue on my road to recovery. Cheryl and my family are still there supporting and encouraging me everyday. I still do it one day at a time. I know my testimony at meetings has helped many gamblers and their families to recover from addiction and to gain respect and trust again. In closing I would like to thank Cheryl for her love and support, Ajay, Michelle, Ingrid, Tony, Peter and Poobie who have helped me in my recovery since my first meeting. The 25th August 1993 was my daughters birthday and I was so broke that I could not even afford a birthday card. Michelle gave me a red rose tied with a ribbon to give to Jodie. I made a promise to myself that this would never happen in my life again.

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Recovery from an addiction is a long, painful road to travel without the support from my wife, family and my support group. I thank my god, my higher power, for my recovery and big thank you to all who cared. Albie 25-05-2002

There you have it. Proof that recovery is possible and more importantly that it is for life and it all starts once you have accepted and acknowledged it for yourself that you are an addict, irrespective of your addiction. And we (you) all lived happily ever after in recovery!!!!! The end Or is it..

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