Sunny Leone Explored!

Page 2

HUME R US
Just Playing With Your Funny Bone

MS Dhoni Extrapolated! Page 4 Facebook Defaced! Page 7 Do-It-Yourself Bollywood Scripts Page 8 Fool Frontal Mag Covers
Page 10

How do you like this Bhatt shot, Mr .... ?

A Proposal For A Humour Maga By Surajit Roy

OLYM-PICS Page 16 Independence Individualized zine

Page 18

om 67@gmail.c surajitroy 38848 +91 97092

Celebrities Cerebralized!
Page 19

Sherlyn Chopra, Poonam Pandey, Page 12 UNCOVER STORY & Rozlyn Khans Ultimate Fantasy! THE PORNOFICATION
Use of Humour In US Elections

OF THE INDIAN MAINSTREAM

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Sunny Daze
Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a Sunny spirit takes their place. - Mark Twain

Comedy is the best remedy.

And so, heres your monthly dose of the best medicine in the world. After all, who doesnt want a funny bone worth showing off? Talking of funny bones (and yes, this IS a funny bone talking!) what almost perfectly rhymes with funny bone? The answer is all over the first 3 pages of this publication! Unlike Shakespeare who professed neither rhyme nor reason, we believe there is a very strong reason for this rhyme - for the Indian invasion of Only Unseen (anagram) has led to hitherto Only Unheard X-Rated jokes suddenly becoming quite acceptable in all popular media. Apart from, of course, Only Unseen pictures and Only Untalked topics being dished out for general consumption. Lets continue our investigation into this rampant revolution in the Indian sunsibili... sensibility with a look at the newspaper headlines.

Hindustan Times Of India

Uninhibited FDI In Showbiz Sunsex Rises To All-Time High
The Indian Summer of life should be a little Sunny... - Henry Adams

Sunny Leone Unprecedented Leaves India, Heat Wave Returns Home All Over India
Finally Ends
The hot sunny days and the hot sultry nights of the recent past are gone for now. A very strong westerly wind had taken control of the Indian subcontinent, generating a lot of heat that the Indian population had never experienced before. Such was the overwhelming widespread effect of this heat that the Indian media had gone berserk talking about this heat wave in graphic detail, with visuals of the hot hot sun to make readers and viewers experience the sunny weather and the heat from close quarters, and in the process heating up their own readership and viewership figures.

Karenjit Kaur Vohra, aka US based Indo-Canadian adult actress Sunny Leone, was given a warm farewell by her ardent Indian fans and asso-

shooting for her first Bollywood feature film Jism 2 - a far cry from her days shooting for gism in the US, and bagging a role in another

www.WorldWideWit.com
Humor inspired by Sunny Leone from the World Wide Web
Q: What's the difference between Bollywood Starlets & Sunny Leone? A: What Sunny does after getting the role, the starlets have to do before getting the role! One day a teacher asks little Johnny about the sounds made by various animals. Teacher: Johnny, What sound does a dog make? Johnny: Bow-Wow. My son feels Sunny Leone will If Abhay Deol Teacher: Good. Cat? make a good bahu. If anything, marries Sunny Leone, Johnny: Meow-Meow. her profiles on http://naukri.com she would become Teacher: Very Good. and http://shaadi.com will be Sunny Deol! Lion? the same! Johnny: Aah Aah Aah Aaah Oh Yeah... Biggest Joke: The person doing research for Teacher: I said Lion, this section on the internet was looking at the jokes not Leone! only and nothing else! Quotable Quote Interviewer: Whats the difference between hungry and horny? Sunny Leone: IT DEPENDS ON WHERE I PUT THE CARROT!

Sunny Leone's Favourite 'Things'

Favourite Colour: Favourite Bird: Favourite Animals: Favourite Food: Favourite Book: Favourite Singer: Favourite Song: Favourite Game: Favourite Residence: Favourite City: Favourite Country: Favourite Mountain: Favourite Planet: Favourite Sunsign: Favourite Cosmetic: Favourite Dress: Musical Instrument: Advertising Slogan: Favourite Producer: Favourite Industry: Blue Swallow Cat & Donkey Daal Dictionary Hard Kaur Hum tum ek camera mein band ho Poker Penthouse Mangalore Bangladesh Nanga Parwat Uranus Libra Lipstick [Not Applicable] Mouth Organ Have I Made It Large? Ronnie Screwvala Show business

Q: What's the similarity between Sunny Deol and Sunny Leone? A: They both shout a lot in their movies!

Sunny Leone has already done a movie sequel - Jism 2, and bagged another Ragini MMS - the sequel may very well be called Ragini MMF! And in the near future there will be many famous Bollywood movies whose sequels & remakes she will feature in. And we can only imagine what the movies will look like:

If Bollywood Hits Are Remade With Sunny Leone

Ad Infinitum
With the rapid rise in the brand value of the Raja of Ranchi - MS Dhoni, almost every brand in the country is trying to cash in on his popularity by making him their brand ambassador. And the day is not far off when it will actually become every brand in the country - when literally every advertisement will feature Dhoni! And heres what we think the advertisements will look like:

BEFORE

AFTER

Much More Than The Asking Rate

The Future Is Indefinite... Anything Can Happen!

ALL OUT!

You Should Be Prepared For Every Eventuality

When Dhoni Appears In Ads For Every Product!

Guess Who Helps Captain Cool Stay Cool?
THE COOLEST ONE

Even For The Most Attacking Batsman in The World...

Defence Is Very Important!

Media Can
Distort

Your Image

Join The INDIAN ARMY And Bring The Nation Glory

Well give you the best image.

And, the biggest price tag!

Asia's leading sports marketing, media and event management company

The More You Earn, The More We Earn!

Match Fixing Is Our Speciality

Keeping Track Of The Required Run Rate Under The Duckworth-Lewis Method Can Be Confusing & Frustrating

But Not If You Use Software From

MS Dhoni. Microsoft Dhoni.

3 Mantras of His Success...

MS Dhoni. The best thing to happen to Cricket before Poonam Pandey!

The best thing to happen to Men since Women!

Train Indian Railway

Dhonis First Employer

Train

Train

Issued in public interest by:

Shooting All The Time Can Affect Your Game...

Keep Playing!

We Are Like/Unlike This Only

13
1. 2.

Sure Signs You Are Addicted To

7. 8.
If you have ever looked at Facebook on your computer and your phone at the same time. When you get unnecessarily angry whenever Facebook makes changes, and make angry status updates and start discussions on why some button should behave the way it used to and not the way it does now.
Surpanakha Sarpotdar I just soooo hate the new Facebook Timeline!!! It should be called Crimeline! :P
Like Comment Abuse March 19 at 00:01 am 51 people abused this.

When you start spending more time changing your status updates than actually doing anything worth commenting on.
Prem Pratap Patiyalawala This is my first status update in 23 min 15 sec. I was feeling so lonely... :-(
Like Comment Ignore June 13 at 4:20 am

If you get an inferiority complex whenever no one responds to the clever quote it took you 30 minutes to think up, or more commonly, look up on Google.
Abdul Peter Iyengar Its hard to be funny when you have to be clean. - Mae West
Like Comment LOL June 17 at 00:00 am You and Mae West like this.

Abdul Peter Iyengar ... been a long Time since you gave me some Line? How about a date tonight? March 19 at 9:25 am Like Surpanakha Sarpotdar Sure why not :-) March 19 at 9:35 am Like Abdul Peter Iyengar Its a DATE! <3 <3 <3 March 19 at 9:45 am Like Surpanakha Sarpotdar Ya... lets meet tonight on Facebook March 19 at 9:55 am Like Abdul Peter Iyengar Grrrrr! Right now I soooo hate Facebook ! March 19 at 9:65 am Like

3.

4.

When you start using Facebook as a verb. Like, I'm going to Facebook so-and-so, or I was Facebooking last night. It can go further, when you start interrupting actual conversations that you're having with actual people, and tell them: "You know what, why don't I just Facebook you later?" If you start looking at everything from the Facebook photo point-of-view. Like whenever you take a picture, you wonder if it's Facebook worthy, or you leave a party early because you can't wait to transfer all the pictures you took to the computer, then upload, tag and comment on them, and read other people's comments on them, and comment back and forth and so on
Surpanakha Sarpotdar With Sonakshi Sinha, Akshay Kumar, Shahrukh Khan

9. 10.

Me

If your bedtime is now at least two hours later than it has ever been. If you've ever found yourself coming up with something you just have to share with the world while sitting on the toilet, and you've updated your status then and there using your phone, instead of putting your phone down and waiting until you're back at your computer. Of course, if you've taken your computer with you, then that's a whole different level of addiction you need to address...
Prem Pratap Patiyalawala Red is the rose Blue is the violet When I need inspiration I go to the toilet!

Like Comment Feel jealous May 15 at 6:06 am 66 people like this. Prem Pratap Patiyalawala Is that really you? ;-) May 15 at 6:07 am Like Surpanakha Sarpotdar Of course it is me! :P May 15 at 6:08 am Like Abdul Peter Iyengar Yes it IS her - I recognize the middle finger! :D May 15 at 6:09 am Like Prem Pratap Patiyalawala I still think its a mans hand June 30 at 11:53 pm Like

Like Comment Flush June 22 at 7:00 am sharp 22 people flushed this. Abdul Peter Iyengar Amazing! Crap comes out of you from both ends... June 22 at 8:03 am Like
Prem Pratap Patiyalawala Tyvm! Guess where I was when inspiration struck and I composed this? June 22 at 8:04 am Like

Surpanakha Sarpotdar I think I can guess - and thats why the poem stinks June 22 at 9:59 am Like

11. 5.
When you start looking forward to your birthday for the first time in years because you want to see how many wall posts you will get that day; and then getting angry at people who didn't wish you a Happy Birthday "Come on, it's on Facebook! There's no excuse for forgetting!" When you spend at least 15 minutes of your day planning what you will do on Facebook - albums, games, etc

12. 13.

6.

When you create a separate account for your baby/cat/favourite plant; and since you are the person who will be running that account, when you start having conversations with your own fake identity. If you have looked up 'Facebook Addiction Disorder' (FAD) on Google at least once. When you start creating lists about the signs of Facebook addiction

script ease
You may be surprised to know, it may even come as a shock, but it's a fact that every Bollywood movie has a story! It may not always be apparent, it may not always be the starting point, it may not always be one of the more important aspects of filmmaking, but there IS a story. There always is a story. There just has to be a story. Otherwise, who will they give the award for the best story of the year at all the film awards? Now how this story is created is another story altogether. Also, how does Bollywood produce so many movies every year? And why do all the stories appear so similar to each other? All that is ready to be revealed. As a special scoop only for readers of Humerus, we bring you the secret template that is used to concoct all Bollywood film stories. It started as a secret document whose copies were found only in the secret vaults of all the leading film producers. With technological progress, it became a computer program found in the laptops of all Bollywood biggies, password protected of course. But now the hacks have been hacked by the hackers and the secret is out! By just using this fragment of the story writing program (called PlottingPaper 4.20) you will finally know:

How To Write Your Own Bollywood Film Story

Set in ____1____, the story begins in ____2____, where our hero is ____3____. One day, while he is ____4____, he meets the heroine who is a ____5____. Soon they fall in love, and go to ____6____ to dance and sing a song. But the path of true love is obstructed by the girl's ____7____, who wants the girl to marry ____8____. The boy and girl decide to ____9____. Then there's an item number ____10____ featuring ____11____. And that's when the villain, who is ____12____, enters the picture. He decides to ____13____. The boy and girl come to know of this plan, the villain comes to know that the boy and girl have come to know of his plans, and the boy and girl are soon ____14____. Just when the boy and girl are about to ____15____, at the very last possible moment, they are rescued by ____16____, with the help of ____17____. Soon, everybody gives in to the lovers wishes, and finally there is a happy ending, with everybody ____18____.
Instructions: Just fill the blanks in the draft with any of the options you like from the box of the same number, and your script is ready. Yes, it's that easy. Warning: This works only for commercial cinema. For art movies/parallel cinema, you'll have to think out of the box, meaning you'll have to fill the blanks with options from boxes differently numbered. Notes: Our data processing department figures that this template can be used to make 1018 = 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 different stories. Our research department reports that 12,345 movies have already been made from stories created using this. Our accounts department calculates that 999,999,999,999,987,655 more stories remain to be made from this. Happy Plotting!

1
the past the present the future the past, present & future the British period the prehistoric era the Mahabharata age the Emergency years Raja Bhojs reign a timeless dream sequence

2
a village a railway station Jhumritilaiya New Delhi New York a jungle in Kenya under the ocean outer space a computer game the movie theatre

3
a common man a policeman a pickpocket a terrorist with amnesia an unemployed youth a romantic fool an extra in movies a student of astrophysics an alien a robot

4
looking for a job dancing with his friends taking his dog for a walk shopping for potatoes teasing a girl chasing a thug stealing stolen diamonds fighting an intergalactic war chatting on the internet doing nothing at all

5
teenager college teacher detectives assistant bar dancer rejected lover door-to-door salesgirl royal princess supermodel time traveler mermaid

6
a discotheque the swimming pool the Kumbh Mela Kashmir Kanyakumari Kodaikanal Switzerland Disneyland No mans land a space station near Pluto

7
mother elder brother stepfather distant relative servant bodyguard private tutor ex-boyfriend evil twin husband from a past life

8
a petty thief a roadside Romeo a crooked accountant a very fat man a beggar a Don a Dons son a Dons father a tree Anyone except the hero

9
elope and marry live together adopt 25 kids enter a dance contest set up a detective agency start a political party stop a world war go around the world in a balloon have a lovers fight generally have a ball

10
on a bus/train/ship/plane in a nightclub in a gangsters den at the beach at a beauty contest during an Indo-Pak ODI during a wrestling match in a dance reality show in a flashback on YouTube

11
Malaika Arora Rakhi Sawant any pretty foreigner a top star worth Rs 25 cr a struggler who does it for free a hero in a girls get up the current Miss World a former Miss Palampur the producers girlfriend a computer generated 3d model

12
an underworld Bhai a corrupt politician an enemy army chief a runaway lunatic a freak scientist a religious fanatic an Olympic boxer the heroines long lost brother the heros lookalike a computer virus

13
kidnap the heroine marry the heroine wear the heroines dresses start a war blow up the whole earth on Diwali make 1,000,000,000 clones of himself assassinate a world leader replace Bigg Boss start a trade union for filmi villains also do the heros role

14
in deep trouble in deep debt captured by the villain separated from each other turned into human bombs turned into evil avatars hypnotized by the villain haunted by ghastly ghosts left to die in a black hole in danger of the film flopping

15
an underpaid journalist a drunkard policeman an international spythe boys faithful servant the girls physical trainer their next-door bhabhi a naughty newsreader a witch with a heart some random stranger a film critic

16
sing a sad song get married, but not to each other jump off a cliff pay a ransom of Rs 350 get killed by the villain explode with a bang get converted into anti-matter drown in an ocean of tears kill each other reveal the secret for writing Bollywood film stories

17
the police the army friends from college kids trained in martial arts 1000 cats and dogs the earths gravitational force the villains good side the villains ex-wife thoughts waves from another galaxy an iPhone

18
singing the national anthem dancing to wedding songs taking part in a fancy dress contest playing kabaddi exchanging email Ids going on a picnic to Andaman going on a picnic to the moon dancing to a song added at the last moment praying for box-office success promising to come back in the sequel

Extra Cover
ENTERTAINMENT FOR MEN

Imaginary Cover

The two biggest issues facing the country right now are the issue of Time magazine in which Manmohan Singh appeared, and the issue of Playboy magazine in which Sherlyn Chopra will appear. Making us wonder what it would be like if more Indian celebrities appeared on covers of international magazines. Wonderful, we think, it will be:

If Indians Appeared On The Covers Of Magazines All Over The World

TRUE ROMANCE

WHATS WORTH WATCHING

Yoga Show Host Baba Ramdev

COALITION COURSE... LIFE IS JUST ONE PARTY... AFTER ANOTHER!

My dad - an Economics Noble Prize Winner 2nd & 3rd Generation Artists The Universe At Her Feet Rima, Rimi, Raima... Whats In A Name?

WE WERE HEADED ON A

Theres Much More To Him Than Just An Anorexic Crossdresser

THE GOGETTER GURU

www.AmartyaSen.com

IN 8 SENSATIONAL STEPS!

SENSEX

MAKE SENSE OF THE

Why We Can Never Make A Movie Like This

And Why We Never Should

SPECIAL CRICKET ISSUE

LIFE ON TOP

NITA AMBANI
Owns Indias Swankiest Penthouse

Mr. Fix It?

How To Build Your Own Tax Shelter

Sonakshi Sinha

Post IPL:

Tasty New Dish From India

SRK Goes Wild

What, Me Marry?

Finally, heres what we think will happen if the two issues we started with - Time magazine & Playboy - decided to combine forces and produce a joint effort - Sherlyn Chopra on the cover of Time Magazine:

THE UNDERWEARACHIEVER
India needs a playmate. Is Playboy Model Sherlyn Chopra up to the job?

Washing Dirty Linen

AMAZING NEW TECHNIQUES

The Jokes On U.S.

www.WorldWideWit.com
Humor inspired by the US Elections from the World Wide Web
The day is fast coming when, once again, the people of the United States will make a mistake that they will regret for the next four years. Yes, its election time in America! With the US elections just three months away, a new(?) phenomenon in electioneering media and methods is surfacing. Just look at this joke going around the internet with people aggressively passing it around: "Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?" Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.""Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?" Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "#&@% the Japs." "Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded. Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.' The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?" Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Just $&@% it!" Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little $#%& -If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!" Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004." The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh $#%&, We're $@&#%ed!" Little Akio said quietly, "The American people, after Barrack Obama's election Now, would it be too presumptuous to logically conclude that the Republican Party has hired professional gag-writers to conceive such anti-Democratic jokes specifically designed for going viral on the internet? Considering the abysmal writing standards of most stuff that goes around the net, the perfect grammar, spelling and punctuation in these stories, as well as the high standard of the humor and the joke structure all are giveaway signs of the professional touch. Now lets see what the Democrats have lined up in retaliation:

The journalist will remain a journalist

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'The biker replies, I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.The journalist leaves.The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:"U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH... And THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days Or this one, from the same pedigree.

Presidential Contest
The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election. Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner. After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John McCain returned to the starting line and he had ten fish. Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day. At the end of the 2nd day John McCain came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none. That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, "Obama, I think John McCain is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-agun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is cheating." The next night (after John McCain returns with 50 fish), Harry said to Obama, "Well, tell me, how is John McCain cheating?" Obama replied, "Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice". And finally, this masterpiece:

Republicans in Hell
While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." says the Republican. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Republican head of state. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Republican, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens

Little Akio
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the Republican head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Republican and lays an arm on his neck. "I don't understand," stammers the Republican head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!" And these two somewhat similar ones:

on the humour from leading newspapers, magazines, websites and late night TV shows, where the butt of the jokes happen to be the Republican candidate/s or Party. Like these:

Difference Between Republicans & Democrats

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person. The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars. Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats

Proud To Be A Democrat
A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl. "Mary," says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary. "Well, what are you?" asks the teacher. "I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies the little girl. The teacher cannot believe her ears. "My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks. "Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too." "Well," says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?" Mary smiled. "Then we'd be Republicans." Quite obviously, the Democratic jokes are not in the same class as the Republican jokes. Making us wonder whether the Democratic Party is taking the new medium of online humour as seriously as the Republicans are. Or maybe, the Republicans saw a bigger opportunity in the scope for anti-Democratic jokes thanks to Clinton and Obamas misadventures. Also, its a lot easier to make jokes about incumbents who have been in the spotlight and limelight for four years, rather than the nonentities that make up the Republican mix. In fact, like in the jokes above, the anti-Republican jokes are more intended at the Republican party in general, and their orthodox and conservative nature, rather than at the candidate in particular. Another observation is that the propaganda in the guise of humour being posted on proDemocratic forums are less originally created, and more dependent

And some jokes from the late night TV show hosts, the flagbearers of contemporary American humour: ''Well, the presidential race is getting interesting. In an effort to clear up his reputation as a flip-flopper, Mitt Romney will give a speech on health care. And then, right afterward, he'll give a fiveminute rebuttal.'' Jay Leno "Congratulations to Mitt Romney. He won the New Hampshire primary last night. See, this is proof that even the multimillionaire son of a multimillionaire can beat the odds and run for president of the United States." Jay Leno ''Mitt Romney has begun vetting his vice presidential candidates. This is a tough thing because they want to appeal to the Republican base. They want a strong conservative there, but someone who will not upstage Mitt Romney. So the search is on for a strong conservative in a coma.'' Bill Maher ''During a speech on Friday, Mitt Romney told students that if they want to go to college or start a business, they should just borrow money from their parents. That should work fine as long as your parents are Mitt and Ann Romney.'' Jimmy Fallon ''Experts are predicting that in the first Republican debate, Mitt Romney will face his fiercest ideological opponent: himself from four years ago.'' Conan O'Brien

''Mitt Romney gets a lot of criticism because he's kind of stiff, he's sort of cold, he's sort of aloof. And I thought, 'Well, wait a minute. Let's look at the bright side of this.' Mitt Romney is an inspiration to kids all over this country who sadly were born without a personality.'' David Letterman "Apparently a large branch of Mitt Romneys family lives in Mexico. ... His grandfather in the late 1800s moved his whole family to Mexico to avoid being prosecuted for polygamy. ... Mitt can use that to show that hes tough on immigration. His family kicked themselves out of the country." Jimmy Kimmel Well, when several shows have to come up with jokes every night about someone without a personality, they are bound to get somewhat repetitive. Luckily, theres no such issue when it comes to panning the Democrats and Obama! ''That's pretty amazing, Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize. Ironically, his biggest accomplishment as president so far: winning the Nobel Peace Prize.'' Jay Leno "President Obama has revealed his new re-election slogan 'Forward.' That's a good message for Obama. He's telling voters, 'Whatever you do, don't look back at all those campaign promises I made.'" Jay Leno "President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama." Jay Leno "One by one the Republican candidate potentials have been shooting themselves in the foot making huge, horrible gaffes and they just look silly. It's gotten so bad that President Obama is now worried he may actually be re-elected." David Letterman "A man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term." Conan O'Brien "Rush Limbaugh said yesterday that Obama never would have tracked down bin Laden if it weren't for George W. Bush's policies. Although in fairness, Obama never would have even been elected if it werent for George W. Bush's policies." Jimmy Fallon "President Obama escalated the war in Afghanistan, he sent the Navy in to shoot at pirates in the Indian Ocean, and now he's attacking Libya. It's like he took the Nobel Peace Prize as an insult." Jimmy Kimmel Selecting the jokes to include in the section above was like having to choose Indias two ODI openers from Sachin Tendulkar, Virendra Sehwag and Gautam Gambhir. Once Obamas honeymoon in the White House got over, he has given so much fodder to the US humorists that they never missed Clinton. Or Monica Lewinsky! In fact Monicas entry into the US political spectrum had much the same effect as Sunny Leones recent grand entry into the Indian mainstream has had opening the floodgates for jokes hitherto considered too risqu. Coming back to Obama & Co, the cartoonists too have made full use of the Obamadness, much as the TV show hosts have:

So that completes the picture. But no discussion of humour in the US elections can be complete without a mention of Vermin L. Supreme, full name Vermin Skippy Lou Love Supreme (obviously an assumed name) an American performance artist, anarchist and activist who is known for running as an alternative candidate in various local, state, and national elections in the United States. His whole campaign is built around humour and ridicule, verging on the ridiculous. Supreme is known for wearing a boot shaped hat and carrying a large toothbrush. Supreme's vision of anarchism holds no need for government, but also depends on citizens to take responsibility for themselves and for others, citing "mutual aid and support and care to our fellow citizens" as key elements. To reach that end, Supreme called for a gradual dismantling of the government, while citizens take up the slack. He asserted that Americans do not know anymore how to be citizens, placing some of the blame on schools that teach in "very twisted and jingoistic fashion". In 2000, Supreme proclaimed himself the "Emperor of the New Millennium". He has been doing so ever since and it has become a focal point of his presidential campaigns. Supreme is currently campaigning as a Democrat in the 2012 U.S. presidential election.

2. Requiring all Americans to give up a kidney. 3. A pony for every American (which will also act as a mandatory ID). 4. Harnessing the awesome power of zombies to create alternative energy. He describes his "joke humor" campaign as a response to the lies people are fed by the media and the government. All we can say is the world needs more Vermin Supremes. And less of the other kind. To round things off, you dont really have to take sides to have fun at the expense of the US presidential election and candidates. You can have a lot of fun as a neutral, maybe even more fun

Vermin Supreme His 4-point manifesto says: 1. Mandatory toothbrushing with detention facilities for those who dont brush.

:-)

Wall & Street Journal

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Citius Altius Hilarious

LYM-PICS!

I can remember when I used to own all these countries!

All this running at this age is tough on me! Makes me feel less like Mr. Bean... And more like Mr. Has-Been!

This is the real Agneepath of 2012! Beware of imitations!

Now I can tell my grandchildren, I was that girl in blue pants!

Yes! I have now won more medals than a country of 1.2 billion people have managed to win in their entire Olympic history!

Uh oh... Did I just hear a crack???

My next target is an Oscar!

Dont get any funny ideas! The only thing funny here is the camera angle!

I was too fat and too lazy to go to the gym... So they made me a weightlifter!

They said success tasted sweet... I just broke a tooth!

Choke De India!

Oh no! You forgot your deo again!

- Whos winning? Whats the score? - Who cares?!

An August occasion

A Humerus Look At What Independence Day And Freedom Mean To The Average Indian
15th August is a very welcome holiday, more so if it falls on a Friday or a Monday, giving us an extended weekend. And in years when 15th August is on a Saturday, meaning a national waste of a holiday, I have half a mind to become a Pakistani for a year, so that I can celebrate independence day on 14th August and get a 3 day weekend! - Mili Julie Sarkar (Government Employee)

God! When will the speech end? Theres Gadar on TV at 11 am!

Oh, its August again? Time to bring out the speech I have been using 10 times every 15 August for the last 20 years, and my dad for 25 years before that! - MP Khare (Politician)

India is a free country, right? So, I have the freedom to say: no, I dont want to take part in this stupid, meaningless and useless survey, right? I have better things to do with my free time... - Azad Jeevan (Unemployed Youth)

Oh, you mean we are a free country? I didnt know it. No one told me... - Karma Karna (Bonded Labourer)
Freedom? You mean 1947 and all that hoo-ha? Its cool man! I dig the freedom thing! I have full freedom, you know what, to choose my own girlfriend and my own mobile phone - its like wow - since I need new models of both every 3 months! But, man, now that I think of it, maybe it wouldnt be so bad if the British were still around... what with all those firang chicks all over the place to hit on at every darned opportunity! Wow man wow! - Roadside Rathore (College Student)

How can I forget 15th August? After all, its the birthday of Mrs Melinda Gates, the wife of Bill Gates! - PC Chiplekar (Programmer)

Independence Day means having to write another essay on what Independence Day and Freedom mean to you as an Indian... Groan! - Vidya Jalan (School Student)

I love the discounts we get at most shops during Independence Day. I mean, whats the big use of getting freedom if we dont get anything for free? - Mani Baig (Housewife)

Independence Day is a wonderful occasion for the whole nation to sit back and reflect on how our freedom was won, the sacrifices of numerous individuals and families that went into achieving it. It was my great fortune to have been a part of this great movement. Also, its time for us to see how much we have achieved in these 65 wonderful years, and how the current government continues to over-achieve and take us towards complete freedom of every form for every Indian. Making me believe that every drop of blood, sweat and tear our freedom cost has been worth it. - Prabhat Feriwala (Freedom Fighter) PS: If I dont say this every year, my pension will get cancelled.

SILLYBRITIES

What You Are Most Unlikely To Hear From These Celebrities

No Madam Ji, I dont think thats a good idea...

I am really enjoying being out of the limelight. I never liked the constant media attention.

I am feeling very hungry!

I think Im getting too old for this kind of thing

Can someone tell me where I can buy a nice gun?

Salman & Vivek called up to congratulate me

Just chill!

I love Shoaib Akhtar!

Boost is the secret of my energy!

Nothing interesting happened today

I felt so embarrassed!

SHUDDH HINDI!

THE last item thats contrived to include a sexy pic of a hottie

When the hot movie stills of the leading actress in a skimpy bikini start doing the rounds eight months before the movie is released, you begin to search for double meanings in the name of the movie!

Deepika Padukone in Cocktail

THE BOTTOM LINE

You see, dear, it is not true that woman was made from man's rib; she was really made from his funny bone - James Matthew Barrie (creator of Peter Pan)

What more do I have to do to make it to the next cover of Humerus?!

You very well know... WHAT!!