Bios Foreword: What is a bogan today?

Aspirational Bogans
Misspelling their kids' names 6 The Melbourne Cup 7 Malapropisms 8 Self-help books 10 McMansions11 Delta Goodrem 13 Louis Vuitton, Moet et Hennessy 15 The Lynx effect 16 Franchises 18

Boganomics
Residential property investment 22 Their taxpayer dollars 23 Cheap petrol 25 Buying Australian made 26 Banks 28 Low interest rates 29 Playing the market 31 The casino 32

Celebrities
Velvet ropes 36 Reality TV 37 Pink 38 Red carpet specials 41 Max Markson 42 Forgiving celebrities 43 The Logies 45 W A G s 48 Ned Kelly 49

Creative Endeavours
Arbitrary thievery 54 Painting 55 Three-Park Superpass! 56 Zoo Weekly 58 Short courses 60 Fender Stratocasters 61 History 63 Perspective-based photos at famous landmarks 64 Bunnings Warehouse 65

Cultural Pursuits
Books - but only after the movie comes out 70 Andre Rieu 71 Today Tonight 73 A Current Affair 74 St Patrick's Day 76 Two and a Half Men 11 Celebrities' opinions 79 Clashing with reporters 81 Cruise ships 82

Discretionary Spending
No deposit, no Uninformed Chrisco hampers SMS-speak96 interest, no repayments for 18 months! 86 gambling 87 Discount airlines 88 90 Post Xmas sales 93 X factor 94 Tiffany & C o . 99 The third dimension 101 Cross promotions 102

Gastronomy
Massive cans 106 Mexican beer 107 Manly diet cola 108 Sushi 110 Wine tours 111 Krispy Kreme 113 Meat Lovers' Pizza 115

Health and Wellbeing

Getting huge 120 Fad diets 122 Functional water 123 Melanin 125 Spurious allergies 126 Plus-size models 128 A D H D 129 S l a t e r S Gordon 131 Wii Fit 132

Mating and Procreating

Weddings: the courtship 136 Weddings: the preparations 137 BuX/hen's nights 139 Weddings: her big day 141 Faux lesbianism 144 Massive perambulators 145 Footy trips 146 The Brisbane Broncos 148 Richard Mercer 150

Multiculturalism
Prefacing racist statements with 'I'm not racist but. . .' 154 Contiki tours 155 Locally produced, foreign label beer 156 'Fuck off, we're full'stickers 157 Thailand 160 M.I.A.'s 'Paper Planes' 161 Border Security: Australia's Front Line 163 Ernie Dingo 164 Hot Asian chicks 166 New Zealand 168

Music and Nightlife

Ruining music festivals 172 Cover bands 173 Kings of Leon 176 Ministry of Sound 177 Your favourite bar 180 Commercial radio 174 Indie rock choruses 179

Psychological Profile
Political correctness gone mad 184 Going to work in the mines 185 New Year's resolutions 186 News Limited 188 Late night logistics 189 Anti-intellectualism 191 Scapegoats 192 Homophobia 194 Schadenfreude 196

Public Service
Freedom of speech 200 Conspiracy theories/urban legends 201 Other people's backyards 203 Talking about joining the army 204 Shock jocks 205 Paintball 208

Sartorial Splendour
Tramp stamps 212 Christian Audigier 213 Tribal tattoos 214 Southern Cross tattoos 216 Fashion statements 217 Movember218 Suiting up 220

Sex
Sexpo 224 Hugh Hefner 225 Anal 226 Cross-dressing 228 Cougars 230 Sex addiction 232

Social Milieu
Underbelly 236 The Corbys 237 Joining moronic Facebook groups 239 Glassing c***s 243 Mobs 244 Pre-mixed drinks 246

Spirituality
Buddhist iconography as home furnishings 250 Pandora bracelets 251 Vampires 252 Ill-informed analysis of the Qur'an 254 Baptisms 255

Sporting Life
Tennis 260 Twenty/twenty cricket 261 Mixed martial arts 263 Buying a snowboard 265 Home fitness equipment 266

Wheels
Personalised numberplates 270 Petrol consumption as recreation 271 'Holdens' 272 Road rage 273 Party buses 275

Epilogue: Being proud

You will f i n d t h e m i n a l a n e w a y b a r w i t h n o s i g n a g e o n t h e d o o r . They will b e s i p p i n g b e e r s w i t h n o English o n t h e labels. T h e y will b e t a l k i n g a m o n g s t t h e m s e l v e s a b o u t t h i n g s t h a t are t o o a v a n t g a r d e t o a p p e a r i n a t e x t b o o k . T h e y a r e t h e a u t h o r s o f Things Bogans Like. Six g e n t l e m e n , b r o u g h t t o g e t h e r by t h e i r d e s i r e to define and catalogue the m o d e r n bogan for the benefit of our n a t i o n . T h e s e are t h e i r s t o r i e s .

Intravenus De Milo

Born in W i e n in 1983 to an Indian m o t h e r and L u x e m b o u r g i a n father, Intravenus D e M i l o s p e n t m u c h o f his c h i l d h o o d w a n t i n g t o learn t h e reasons f o r t h i n g s . A f t e r t r a v e l l i n g t h r o u g h A f r i c a a n d t h e M i d d l e East, Intravenus c o m p l e t e d his first d e g r e e i n t h e arts f r o m Trinity C o l l e g e , D u b l i n a t t h e a g e o f n i n e t e e n . N o t satisfied w i t h t h e m y o p i c lens o f s u b j e c t i v i t y t h r o u g h w h i c h h e saw t h e w o r l d , Intravenus m o v e d t o t h e p r e s t i g i o u s M a x x Planck I n s t i t u t e f o r H i g h E n e r g y Physics t o e x p l o r e t h e o r i g i n a n d c o m p o s i t i o n o f dark matter.

T h e n , b o r e d w i t h far t o o a c u t e a n u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f t h e universe, Intravenus d e c i d e d t o m o v e a s far a w a y f r o m i n t e l l e c t u a l i s m a n d scholarship as possible. This t o o k him to Australia w h e r e t h e a u t h o r has s p e n t t h e last f e w years, s m u g i n t h e s a t i s f a c t i o n t h a t he is p r e t t y m u c h t h e s m a r t e s t p e r s o n in t h e c o u n t r y . Intravenus is u n m a r r i e d , has n o c h i l d r e n a n d w a n t s all h o t t u b s t o b e c o l d . I n his spare t i m e , Intravenus likes t o w i n O l y m p i c m e d a l s i n b a d m i n t o n .

Hunter McKenzie-Smythe

Born to the twin pastoral fortunes of the McKenzies and the S m y t h e s , H u n t e r s p e n t t h e g r e a t e r p a r t o f his c h i l d h o o d a n d adolescence in expensive b o a r d i n g schools. On holidays, Hunter w o u l d r e a d g r e a t s e c t i o n s o f t h e c o m p r e h e n s i v e l y u n r e a d libraries in his f a m i l y ' s v a r i o u s t o w n h o u s e s , a b a n d o n e d as he w a s by his p a r e n t s , t w i r l i n g a r o u n d t h e w o r l d h a v i n g affairs w i t h i n t e r e s t i n g yet profoundly empty people. A f t e r c o m p l e t i n g a n arts d e g r e e m a j o r i n g i n cultural s t u d i e s a n d a r t history, H u n t e r s k i e d t h e w o r l d , r o u t i n e l y r e j e c t e d his f a t h e r ' s r e q u e s t s t o m a n a g e t h e f a m i l y ' s v a r i o u s business i n t e r e s t s , a n d b e d d e d a s m a n y b e a u t i f u l m e n a n d w o m e n a s t i m e p e r m i t t e d . This continued until, while recovering f r o m a peyote-fuelled ski-doo a c c i d e n t , H u n t e r e x p e r i e n c e d a n e p i p h a n y a n d c o n v e r t e d t o Sunni

Islam. His a p p e t i t e f o r k n o w l e d g e r e p l e n i s h e d , H u n t e r b e c a m e f l u e n t i n A r a b i c a n d Farsi, s t u d i e d Islamic law a n d i n t e r n a t i o n a l r e l a t i o n s , a n d n o w shares his t i m e b e t w e e n M e l b o u r n e a n d his a p a r t m e n t i n Sana'a, Y e m e n .

Flash Johnson

B o r n f r o m an e g g on a Peruvian m o u n t a i n t o p in 1 9 8 6 , Flash s p e n t his early years s t u d y i n g t h e rise a n d fall o f a n c i e n t S o u t h A m e r i c a n civilisations. I t q u i c k l y b e c a m e o b v i o u s t o Flash t h a t t h e d e c l i n e o f every o n c e - g r e a t a n c i e n t e m p i r e h a d b e e n c a u s e d b y l a r g e g r o u p s o f late arrivers w h o b r o u g h t w i t h t h e m o v e r c o n s u m p t i o n , v i o l e n c e , garish f a s h i o n , racism a n d a t t e n t i o n - s e e k i n g behaviour. These serial civilisation d e s t r o y e r s w e r e d u b b e d , collectively, t h e ' b o g a n ' . Having solved t h e mysteries of the past, and acutely aware of the i m m i n e n t threat that t h e m o d e r n b o g a n poses to today's g l o b a l c o m m u n i t y , Flash t u r n e d his a t t e n t i o n t o p r e v e n t i n g a n o t h e r b o g a n - i n d u c e d c a t a s t r o p h e o f t h e a g e s . His s t u d i e s t o o k h i m t o t h e University o f M a n c h e s t e r , w h e r e h e s i m u l t a n e o u s l y c o m p l e t e d a n arts d e g r e e a n d s t u d i e d t h e b o g a n - r e p e l l e n t p r o p e r t i e s o f local b a n d s such a s T h e S m i t h s a n d J o y D i v i s i o n . N o w r e a d y t o t a c k l e t h e e p i c e n t r e o f t h e b o g a n ' s assault o n society, Flash set sail f o r A u s t r a l i a - t h e site of t h e w o r l d ' s m o s t a d v a n c e d b o g a n c o l o n y ; a n island f a c i n g e p i d e m i c levels o f b o g a n

p e r c a p i t a . H e resides i n M e l b o u r n e t o this day, a n d t r a v e l s o n l y via city laneways. In his s p a r e t i m e he is a s e m i - p r o f e s s i o n a l U n o player. H e i s u n m a r r i e d , a n d w a n t s all h i g h w a y s t o b e low.

Enron Hubbard

Ron was b o r n in a h o s p i t a l in E l t h a m , in M e l b o u r n e ' s n o r t h - e a s t . He grew up in Eltham, and a t t e n d e d primary and secondary schools i n E l t h a m . H a v i n g e n d u r e d a n i n t e r m i n a b l e c o m m u t e t o s t u d y his arts d e g r e e o u t s i d e o f E l t h a m , h e n o w resides i n E l t h a m , s h a r i n g his t i m e b e t w e e n t h e r e a n d M e a d o w b a n k , t h e S y d n e y e q u i v a l e n t of Eltham. Such p r o l o n g e d e x p o s u r e t o r e g i o n s o f h i g h b o g a n q u o t i e n t w o u l d ordinarily be fatal to m o s t . H o w e v e r , like kids b o r n in C h e r n o b y l w i t h s e v e n h e a d s , Ron d e v e l o p e d a n i m m u n i t y t o f l u o r e s c e n c e a n d s t u p i d i t y a f t e r s t a p l i n g a f l a n n e l s h i r t t o his chest. Since his arrest f o r civil u n r e s t w h i l e d e f e n d i n g b a t t e r y hens in T a m w o r t h , N e w S o u t h W a l e s , m i l i t a n t v e g a n Ron has r e i n v e n t e d h i m s e l f a s a h e r m i t , f e a r f u l o f reprisals f r o m a n g r y b o g a n s w h o value t h e i r l o w - c o s t , h i g h - q u a n t i t y e g g a n d p o u l t r y g o o d s .

E. Chas McSween

B o r n i n M a l a w i i n 1 9 8 1 , E . Chas w a s o r p h a n e d i n t o t h e care o f Masai w a r r i o r s i n Tanzania, l e a r n i n g t h e arts o f t r a c k i n g , h u n t i n g a n d s h a m a n i s m . H e also d e v e l o p e d t h e s u p e r h u m a n e n d u r a n c e f o r w h i c h t h e Masai are r e n o w n e d , w h i c h p r o v e d i n c r e d i b l y useful w h e n , at the age of eight, he was a d o p t e d by visiting celebrity b o g a n G r e g Evans a n d r e l o c a t e d t o a h o u s e h o l d full o f Ken D o n e p r i n t s a n d Jive B u n n y C D s . G r o w i n g up in t h e b o g a n hub of Glen Waverley, in Melbourne's south-east, E. Chas rapidly d e v e l o p e d a d e e p , intuitive unders t a n d i n g o f t h e b o g a n , its m o t i v a t i o n s a n d b e h a v i o u r s . A f t e r t a k i n g s e v e n years t o c o m p l e t e his arts d e g r e e , h e r e l o c a t e d t o P a d o v a t o s t u d y a r t history, w h e r e h e d e v e l o p e d his t w i n passions of 17th century European architecture and 18th century European architecture. E . Chas n o w r e n t s a n a p a r t m e n t i n M e l b o u r n e ' s i n n e r n o r t h (he d o e s n o t i n t e n d t o buy) w i t h his d e f a c t o p a r t n e r (he d o e s n o t i n t e n d t o m a r r y ) a n d his G r e a t D a n e , H e i d e g g e r ( h e d o e s n o t i n t e n d t o h a v e c h i l d r e n ) , c o m p i l i n g his s o o n - t o - b e b e s t s e l l i n g b i o g r a p h y o f J o h a n n B e r n h a r d Fischer v o n E r l a c h . I n b e t w e e n professional abseiling t o u r n a m e n t s and d r i n k i n g cafe lattes, E. Chas d e d i c a t e s his r e m a i n i n g t i m e t o g h o s t w r i t i n g a r t i c l e s f o r creationist f o r m e r AFL footballers.

Michael Jayfox

Born in M e l b o u r n e in t h e s u m m e r of Bob Hawke's first p r i m e m i n i s t e r i a l c a m p a i g n , M i c h a e l J a y f o x s p e n t s o m e o f his y o u t h o b s e r v i n g t h e b o g a n i n t h e lush h a b i t a t o f Victoria's L a t r o b e Valley w h i l e his p a r e n t s . m a n a g e d a g o v e r n m e n t d e p a r t m e n t d e s i g n e d t o restrict t h e b o g a n ' s t r e a c h e r o u s w a y s . J a y f o x later u n d e r t o o k an arts d e g r e e at a p r i v a t e i n s t i t u t i o n in J o h a n n e s b u r g , w h e r e he also d e v e l o p e d passions f o r o r n i t h o l o g y a n d a r c h a e o l o g y . H e t h e n returned to Melbourne for postgraduate study in marketing and economics. Initially p l a n n i n g t o sell t h e b o g a n m a x t r e m e p r o d u c t s t h a t it didn't need, he became distracted by the study of the bogan c r e a t u r e itself. Struck b y t h e b o g a n ' s f a s c i n a t i n g b l e n d o f p r i d e , i g n o r a n c e , h y p o c r i s y a n d i m p u l s i v e n e s s , h e b e g a n w r i t i n g o f its w a y s . In 2 0 0 4 , J a y f o x w a s i n f o r m e d by a salesman t h a t a f a m o u s a c t o r h a d a p p r o p r i a t e d his n a m e . I n t h e f u t u r e , J a y f o x h o p e s t o b e c o m e t h e first p e r s o n t o j u m p o v e r a shark o n w a t e r skis w h i l e r e c i t i n g Chaucer.

Foreword:
What is a bogan today?
A n e x c e l l e n t q u e s t i o n . T h e w o r d b o g a n has h a d a b a d rap o f late. I n t e n d e d as an insult, it historically f o c u s e d on K i n g s w o o d s , VB o r (gasp!) M B , w i f e - b e a t e r s i n g l e t s , utes, m u l l e t s , a n d n a m e s like Sharon a n d Barry. But w h a t ' s w r o n g w i t h t h e s e t h i n g s ? A t t h e e n d o f t h e day, b o g a n was a w o r d t h a t w e a l t h y o r m i d d l e - c l a s s p e o p l e c o u l d toss a r o u n d a s a m e a n s o f i n s u l t i n g p o o r p e o p l e w i t h o u t actually saying t h a t t h e y d i d n ' t w a n t p o o r p e o p l e a r o u n d . That's unfair. These days g e n t l e m e n c a l l e d Baz s i n k i n g a t i n of VB in a f l a n n e l shirt are m o r e likely to be (a) a h i p s t e r in t h e inner s u b u r b s or (b) a really t o p b l o k e . This b o g a n i s h a r m l e s s . H e d o e s n o t c o l o n i s e . H e d o e s n o t p o s t racist rants o n news w e b s i t e b l o g s . H e d o e s n o t b u y e n o u g h t i c k e t s t o ensure Pink plays 7 5 s t r a i g h t n i g h t s a t R o d Laver A r e n a . N o , he is happy to pick up tickets to the occasional A C / D C tour, a n d b e y o n d t h a t he stays h o m e , n u r s i n g a c o l d d r i n k , w a t c h i n g telly. He is h a p p y . He d o e s n o t i n v a d e every bar t h a t is m e n t i o n e d in the paper's entertainment section, h o p i n g to spot a m i n o r c e l e b r i t y . He d o e s n o t a t t e n d classy restaurants w e a r i n g paint-stained jeans and painfully selfconscious Converse. He d o e s n ' t g o t o a g i g b y a buzz b a n d , t h e n p r o c e e d t o g e t spastic drunk and participate in screaming contests three metres from the stage.

T h e a d o p t i o n o f b o g a n a s a n insult m e a n s t h a t t h e w o r d n e e d s a b e t t e r d e f i n i t i o n . T h e o l d use o f t h e w o r d c o n c e a l s t h e n e w , m o d e r n b o g a n . The b o g a n w i t h m o n e y . The b o g a n w i t h aspirations. T h e b o g a n w i t h E d H a r d y t-shirts. A n d this i s n o m e r e A u s t r a l i a n p h e n o m e n o n - every c o u n t r y has t h e i r o w n b o g a n . W h i l e t h e r e are national v a r i a t i o n s , t h e crux o f o u r discussion remains t h e s a m e . T h e b o g a n t o d a y d e f i e s i n c o m e s t r a t a , class, r a c e , c r e e d , gender, religion and logic. The b o g a n is d e f i n e d by w h a t it does, w h a t i t says a n d , m o s t i m p o r t a n t l y , w h a t i t b u y s . T h o s e w h o c h o o s e t o d e n y t h e b o g a n o n t h e basis o f its N o r t h Shore h o m e , t h e i r s t o c k b r o k i n g career o r t h e i r massive t r u s t f u n d c h o o s e n o t t o see t h e b o g a n . T h e y m e r e l y see o l d class b a t t l e s r e v i s i t e d . Likewise, t h e b o g a n is no mere 'tradie'. I n d e e d , the m o d e r n b o g a n r o m a n t i c i s e s a n d f a n t a s i s e s a b o u t t r a d i e s . Even i f s o m e t r a d i e s r e m a i n l o w - i n c o m e w o r k e r s , m a n y b o g a n s are a f f l u e n t . A n d t h e y set t h e m s e l v e s a p a r t b y c o n f o r m i n g a s f u r i o u s l y , a n d conspicuously, as p o s s i b l e . W e will e n d e a v o u r t o h i g h l i g h t t h e n e w b o g a n lifestyle. A n d we will f i g h t a g a i n s t it. W e l c o m e to Things Bogans Like. This b o o k d o e s n o t kill fascists.

Misspelling their kids' names

Like much of the western world, the bogan is on a constant quest
f o r s e l f - a c t u a l i s a t i o n . H o w e v e r , its q u e s t t o b e u n i q u e t e n d s t o r e v o l v e a r o u n d a level o f cultural c o n f o r m i t y t h a t b o r d e r s o n t h e c r i m i n a l . A n d n o w h e r e i s this m o r e o b v i o u s t h a n w h e n t h e y bless their offspring with their names. N a m i n g a child is a p e r m a n e n t t h i n g , or should b e , and t h e b o g a n p a r e n t t a k e s care t o ensure t h a t its o w n p u r s u i t o f a w e s o m e i n d i v i d u a l i s m i s r e f l e c t e d i n its y o u n g . T h e r e i s n o b e t t e r w a y t o achieve this, thinks t h e n e w p a r e n t , t h a n t o g i v e t h e b a b y a ' u n i q u e ' name. This, u n f o r t u n a t e l y for t h e p o o r o f f s p r i n g , is w h e r e t h e process falls d o w n . Rather t h a n actually b e s t o w i n g t h e i r n e w b o r n w i t h a g e n u i n e l y o n e - o f - a - k i n d n a m e - or at least an u n c o m m o n o n e - t h e b o g a n m e r e l y t a k e s a c o m m o n o n e , t h e n misspells it. B o g a n s love r e m i x e s o f s o n g s , t h e m a x t r e m e v e r s i o n o f s o m e t h i n g familiar, c h a n g e d j u s t e n o u g h t h a t t h e b o g a n can t e l l itself t h a t it's l i s t e n i n g t o a c o o l n e w s o n g . This love o f t h e r e m i x i s m a n i f e s t e d w h e n t h e y g e t t h e c h a n c e to n a m e a c h i l d . Ever m e t a H a y l e i g h ? A Breeyanah? A Jorja? A Kayleb? P r o b a b l y many, b u t y o u m a y have t h o u g h t t h e y w e r e Hayley, Brianna, G e o r g i a o r C a l e b . These kids will b e s p e l l i n g o u t t h e i r n a m e s t o all a n d s u n d r y f o r t h e n e x t 8 0 years. Because t h e y ' r e a u n i q u e s n o w f l a k e , each a n d e v e r y o n e . H o w a b o u t a J a x o n ? Or a J a c k s e n ? Or e v e n a J a k x s e n ? A recent, and related, t r e n d in b o g a n names is to simply replace a first n a m e w i t h a s u r n a m e . T h e n misspell it. B u t it d o e s n ' t e n d t h e r e - t h e a s p i r a t i o n a l b o g a n has also i d e n t i f i e d t h e o p p o r t u n i t y t o finally o w n s o m e l u x u r y g o o d s . B y calling t h e i r c h i l d r e n C h a n e l o r A r m a n i . T h e b o g a n b e l i e v e s t h a t c o n f e r r i n g such a n a m e o n its c h i l d will ensure f u t u r e p r o s p e r i t y f o r b o t h c h i l d a n d p a r e n t , a n d

a s a result feels n o o b l i g a t i o n t o p u t e f f o r t i n t o p r o p e r l y raising t h e c h i l d o n c e it is b o r n . O f c o u r s e , t h e e n d result o f all this c r e a t i v i t y i s t h a t i n s t e a d o f f i v e A d a m s i n a class a t t e m p t i n g t o d i s t i n g u i s h t h e m s e l v e s f r o m each other, t h e r e are n o w Riley, Reilly, Rhylee, Rhylie, Rylee, Ryley a n d Rylie g e t t i n g i n t o s t o u s h e s o v e r w h o s e d a d has t h e b i g g e s t f l a t s c r e e n / b e s t s u r r o u n d s o u n d s y s t e m . T h e b o g a n p a r e n t has t h u s c o n s i g n e d its r e m i x e d c h i l d t o b e i n g a B-side o n t h e vinyl o f life.

The Melbourne Cup

Taken from National Geographic...
Once a year, in the the Black Azorc coast Grouse Islands Epsom South Victorian crested bogan area of congregates Flemington, Many of general Road, admission for

off Portugal's these creatures

their annual rut! kilometres for

travel

several

thousand

about an

hour to arrive entire

in mid-spring, Grouse

for this is

the is

only time of in the one

year that the place, The

Black time.

bogan population

at the one Black

Grouse

bogans Each

are

extremely

energetic area

birds

and he

they display constantly.

male

has his own

into which

tries to entice a female. a crescendo regularly sounds when,

They emit a turkey-like noise which

reaches time. call on a

periodically, their avian a

they all display at the same neighbours, bogan of this with a different of 'come

They which then'.

challenge like an

approximation is done

Many fights by,

ensue.

Some

for effect when vicious.

female passes

but some

is serious and quite

There are also sites where the females tend to congregate, space near these display areas is fiercely contested. After a charges one male will attempt to escalate from

and

number mere

of mock

display, his

with

the

sole

intention

of has

establishing a bare retain do

dominance on the

over back ruffled, a

opponents.

Almost every male his head,

patch

of stupid hat on directionless great deal hair

while some Those

the plumage have this the

of their youth. grooming it,

that

spend day.

of time

particularly on the

early in

Most also have a shoes is

red patch

their breast pair of white

leather and

that contrast sharply with be

black of their feathers suit, of display. The

thought to

a secondary means

weaker birds

bogans who spend their time on have sorry often sight

the outer edge of the display area money removed. peers. They look a

had all their tail feathers compared to their

elegant

T h e b o g a n has t a k e n t o t h e M e l b o u r n e C u p like a n a s p i r i n g actress t o a t e r m i n a l l y ill oil m a g n a t e . T h e c o m b i n a t i o n o f c o m f o r t a b l e , familiar surrounds, a m p l e (low quality) b o o z e and a chance to u n c o v e r a s m u c h f e m a l e skin u n d e r t h e g u i s e o f ' f o r m a l a t t i r e ' a s p o s s i b l e has m a d e t h e lure o f racing's b i g g e s t d a y i m p o s s i b l e t o resist. I n 2 0 0 9 , t h e C u p was a far cry f r o m t h e g e n t e e l , d e b o n a i r event of yesteryear. Today, as dusk descends over t h e l o o m i n g trash p i l e t h a t F l e m i n g t o n has b e c o m e in a m a t t e r of h o u r s , f e m a l e b o g a n s can b e s e e n v o m i t i n g d a i n t i l y , s t i l e t t o s i n h a n d , w h i l e a male b o g a n hovers optimistically nearby . . .

Malapropisms
At some point on the journey from childhood to adulthood, the
social p o w e r b a l a n c e s h i f t s . A m o n g 1 4 - y e a r - o l d s , t h e s u p e r i o r social animal i s t h e physical s p e c i m e n : t h e b e s t l o o k i n g g i r l , t h e t o p athlete, t h e guy w h o manages t o c o m b i n e t h e boyish g o o d looks o f a y o u n g B r a d Pitt w i t h t h e u n r e s t r a i n e d v i o l e n c e o f M i k e Tyson.

T h o s e w h o m t h e y l o r d i t o v e r are t h e n e r d s . T h o s e w h o , b e r e f t o f t h e g e n e t i c assistance t h e i r socially s u p e r i o r p e e r s are b l e s s e d w i t h , are f o r c e d t o a d a p t t o survive. T h e y g e t s m a r t . Years later, a n d t h e p o w e r b a l a n c e has b e g u n t o s h i f t . T h e physical s p e c i m e n s , l a c k i n g t h e n e e d t o c u l t i v a t e a n a w a r e n e s s of life, culture or basic g r a m m a r , have f o u n d t h e m s e l v e s at a d i s a d v a n t a g e i n t h e a d u l t w o r l d w h e r e brains have s u d d e n l y a n d unexpectedly b e c o m e paramount. That many of these former jocks a n d g l a m o u r s have e v o l v e d i n t o t o d a y ' s b o g a n s i s u n s u r p r i s i n g . Their r e s p o n s e t o this social shift, h o w e v e r , i s n o t . T h e y f a k e it. By inserting w o r d s t h a t s o u n d similar to s o m e t h i n g t h e y o n c e overheard on the A B C into ordinary sentences, they believe that t h e y can e n h a n c e t h e i r social s t a n d i n g . W i t h hilarious results. T h e b o g a n m a l a p r o p i s m has e v o l v e d i n t o m a n y variants. First is t h e effective mispronunciation of a m u n d a n e , and ostensibly a p p r o p r i a t e , w o r d . C o m m o n a m o n g t h e s e are t h e t w o classics ' f o r all intensive p u r p o s e s ' a n d ' p l e a s e b e pacific'. H o w e v e r , t h e s e are easily r e m e d i e d , a n d d i s p l a y at least a g r a s p of v o c a b u l a r y , if not spelling. O n e o f t h e classic e x a m p l e s , n o t s t r i c t l y a m a l a p r o p i s m , i s certainly t h e m o s t c o m m o n . I t is, literally, t h e misuse o f t h e w o r d 'literally'. As in 'It w a s so h o t y e s t e r d a y , I was literally on f i r e ' or 'I literally d i e d crossing t h e r o a d this m o r n i n g ' . A n o t h e r i s s t u n n i n g in its linguistic f a u x - p r o f u n d i t y . It is t h e use of w o r d s t h a t s o u n d impressive, in t h e h o p e of slotting unobtrusively into a sentence. O f t e n i n c o r r e c t , s o m e t i m e s t h e y are actually c o m p l e t e a n t o n y m s o f t h e i n t e n d e d m e a n i n g . I f t h e b o g a n feels t h e n e e d t o p o i n t o u t t h a t it is e a t i n g at a 'classy' r e s t a u r a n t , it can be safely a s s u m e d t h a t t h e r e s t a u r a n t is, i n f a c t , N a n d o s .

W h e n t h e b o g a n unintentionally malapropises, it will o f t e n r a p i d l y search f o r e s c a p e g o a t . It will assure its f r i e n d s t h a t it k n o w s what's g o i n g o n , and c o m p l i m e n t t h e m on their receptiveness. It will t h e n i n f o r m e v e r y o n e i t k n o w s a b o u t its m a x t r e m e e x a c e r b a t i o n w i t h constantly b e i n g m i s u n d e r e s t i m a t e d . Irregardless, it will p l o u g h o n , mangling t h e language with a Herculean persistence, until o n e day, its r e g i m e n t o f m i s a p p r o p r i a t e w o r d s s i m p l y runs dry, a n d it m i s c o n t i n u e s its e f f o r t s .

Self-help books
The bogan will tell you it likes to read. Having the means to attend
university a n d briefly flirt w i t h a c a d e m i c t h e o r i e s o f p s y c h o l o g y a n d f u l f i l m e n t , it will also l o u d l y claim t h a t it aspires to self-actualisation, a s t a t e o f b e i n g e v e r y t h i n g i t c o u l d ever h o p e t o b e . Stubbornly i m p e d i n g t h e progress t o w a r d s this lofty goal is t h e f a c t t h a t b o g a n s love s h o r t c u t s . Be it g e t - r i c h - q u i c k s c h e m e s , e x a m i n i n g a l i m i t e d n u m b e r of habits of ' h i g h l y e f f e c t i v e ' individuals, o r simply s e e k i n g a n effortless s t r a t e g y t o living superbly, t h e b o g a n c a n n o t w a i t f o r t h e n e x t q u i c k f i x t o a b e t t e r life. H o w e v e r , lacking t h e p a t i e n c e a n d i n t r o s p e c t i v e a b i l i t y t o actually b e t t e r itself, t h e b o g a n hungrily seeks o u t t h e next bestseller t h a t shamelessly adorns the gift shop in the Tiger Airways terminal. P r o u d l y b e a r i n g claims such as ' T h e ultimate guide to spiritual enlightenment and financial in seven days' the or 'A practical it guide to personal simply

freedom',

bogan,

would

seem,

c a n n o t resist t h e allure o f p o t e n t i a l l y g e t t i n g rich a n d a c h i e v i n g inner peace for a paltry $29.95 (in heady moments of

either enthusiasm or guilt). This makes t h e b o g a n a p r i m e culprit for the b u r g e o n i n g self-help publishing industry and

intellectual cretins/life coaches/gurus w h o m o d e l themselves on Anthony Robbins. Ostensibly rooted in psychological theory, the 'self-help' p a n d e m i c has i n f e c t e d a s t a g g e r i n g n u m b e r o f u n s u s p e c t i n g and gullible bogans nationwide. Bearing an uncanny resemblance to low quality home-spun advice, the bogan is tricked into t h i n k i n g it is h e l p i n g itself, w h i l e b l i n d l y d i g e s t i n g a s t r a n g e r ' s m a n i p u l a t i v e swill n e a t l y c o n d e n s e d i n t o 5 0 p a g e s . F i l l e d w i t h pearls you of w i s d o m and such as do 'If you what can't, you always must, if you you'll must, get

can'

'If you

you've

done,

what you've always gotten',

it is little w o n d e r t h a t t h e

helplessly

m a l l e a b l e b o g a n m i n d t a k e s t o this d r i v e l like a p e n s i o n e r t o a poker machine. W h i l e t h e b o g a n i s unlikely t o r e a d m o r e t h a n 1 0 % o f t h e selfi m p r o v e m e n t products it purchases, t h e mere presence of these b r i g h t l y c o l o u r e d , e x c i t e d l y t i t l e d t o m e s o n t h e IKEA b o o k s h e l f ( n e x t t o t h e Twilight s e r i e s a n d T h a i l a n d L o n e l y P l a n e t g u i d e ) are d e s i g n e d t o i m p r e s s visitors. I t secretly b e l i e v e s any w i s d o m c o n t a i n e d w i t h i n will b e t r a n s f e r r e d t o all o c c u p a n t s o f t h e r o o m like o n e of t h o s e air f r e s h e n e r s it p l u g s i n t o a p o w e r p o i n t . It is sadly o n l y a m a t t e r of t i m e until titles such as G e t Confident, Stupid or Kidneys for Sale: How to Maximise Your Body's Potential

become the next big thing.

McMansions
Bogan visionary John Landy was one of the first to tap into its brain
s t e m a n d r e c o g n i s e t h e b o g a n ' s n e e d f o r s h e e r size. W h e n h e h a d t h e Big Banana b u i l t n e x t t o his f r u i t stall i n 1 9 6 4 , b o g a n s g r a v i t a t e d t o i t like s i n g l e m o t h e r s t o a s t o c k b r o k e r ' s C h r i s t m a s party. S o o n ,

i t w a s n ' t e n o u g h f o r t h e b o g a n t o j u s t visit b i g t h i n g s ; i t w a n t e d t o live i n o n e . A c o u p l e o f d e c a d e s a g o , t h e M c M a n s i o n a r r i v e d , a n answer t o b o g a n prayers. I t w a s n ' t b e t t e r t h a n t h e houses t h a t c a m e b e f o r e it, b u t g o o d heavens i t was b i g g e r . T h e a v e r a g e size o f n e w h o m e s i n A u s t r a l i a has g o n e o n t o g r o w b y 4 0 . 3 % b e t w e e n 1985 a n d 2 0 0 3 , a s t h e b o g a n b e c a m e a w a r e t h a t i t ' d e s e r v e d ' a f o r m a l living area, a r u m p u s r o o m , a p a r e n t s ' r e t r e a t , an en s u i t e , a study, a f o r m a l l o u n g e , a n d a l a r g e v o i d near t h e stairs t h a t a l l o w e d i t t o v i e w d i f f e r e n t parts o f its M c M a n s i o n w i t h o u t m o v i n g its f e e t . A h o m e t h a t , a t first g l a n c e , l o o k e d r e m i n i s c e n t o f a c e l e b r i t y h o m e . O f course, t h e b a l l o o n i n g size o f t h e b o g a n ' s d o m e s t i c a m b i t i o n s m e a n t t h a t such d w e l l i n g s c o u l d n o t really b e s i t u a t e d o n small b l o c k s . U n w i l l i n g t o m a k e any c o m p r o m i s e s i n this r e s p e c t , t h e avalanche o f p o o r l y s e r v i c e d c u t - p r i c e h o u s i n g e s t a t e s c o n t i n u e d across t h e o u t s k i r t s o f c i t i e s n a t i o n w i d e . T h e s e e s t a t e n a m e s u n i f o r m l y c o n t a i n m i s l e a d i n g w o r d s such a s s p r i n g s , m e a d o w s , g a r d e n s a n d p a r k . B o g a n f a m i l i e s i n t h e s e estates b e c o m e e n t i r e l y reliant o n cars f o r t r a n s p o r t , a n d b l e a t angrily w h e n t h e p e t r o l price i s n o t t o t h e i r l i k i n g . T h e y d o n o t pause t o c o n s i d e r t h a t t h e p r i c e i s h i g h p a r t l y b e c a u s e b o g a n families are using so m u c h of it, a d i r e c t consequence of their housing decisions. Pesky laws a b o u t h o w c l o s e a d w e l l i n g can b e t o t h e e d g e of the block of land t h r e a t e n e d to derail t h e bogan's desire for maxtremely p r o p o r t i o n e d housing. Bogan-friendly builders s o l v e d this b y c o n s t r u c t i n g a n e o - G e o r g i a n c u b e w i t h n o eaves, a l l o w i n g t h e h o u s e t o l o o m o v e r t h e f e n c e like a 4 3 - s q u a r e - m e t r e p e e p i n g torn. The bogan's noble battle against t h e extremes of t h e A u s t r a l i a n c l i m a t e i s t h e n w o n b y t h e c o n s t a n t use o f heaters

a n d air c o n d i t i o n e r s t o o v e r c o m e t h e a t r o c i o u s i n e f f i c i e n c y o f t h e a r c h i t e c t u r e . U p o n r e c e i p t o f its massive e n e r g y b i l l , t h e b o g a n will c o m p l a i n t h a t t h e p o w e r c o m p a n i e s are r i p p i n g i t off. In order to p u t ridiculously h u g e houses w i t h i n reach of t h e financially i m p u l s i v e b o g a n , b u i l d e r s t a k e p h e n o m e n a l a m o u n t s of shortcuts on the shoddily fitted out McMansion. Once the flashy silver o v e n b r e a k s a n d t h e p a p e r - t h i n f e a t u r e wall cracks, i t b e c o m e s clear t h a t t h e h o u s i n g e s t a t e i s t e n years a w a y f r o m b e i n g a g e n e r i c a n d u n s e r v i c e d b o g a n g h e t t o . It's t h e g r e a t A u s t r a l i a n dream come true.

Delta Goodrem
Delta Goodrem, lusty songbird that she is, had built a bogan empire
b y t h e t i m e she was t w e n t y . T h e c o m b i n a t i o n o f b o g a n - s t a n d a r d g o o d l o o k s , vanilla b l a n d b a l l a d r y a n d t h e p e r c e p t i o n o f p u r i t y were deeply appealing to the female bogan's need to idolise t h e D i a n a , a n d t h e m a l e b o g a n ' s d e s i r e t o v i o l a t e it, all t o t h e soundtrack of a mid-nineties sub-Whitney Houston piano number. W h e n G o o d r e m tragically contracted non-Hodgkin's lymphoma i n 2 0 0 3 , t h e selectively c o m p a s s i o n a t e b o g a n was a b l e t o f o r g e a d e e p s p i r i t u a l c o n n e c t i o n w i t h this c h a n t e u s e i t h a d n e v e r m e t , e x t e n d i n g its d e e p e s t s y m p a t h i e s a n d a l l o w i n g i t t o f e e l t h a t i t h a d c o n t r i b u t e d d i r e c t l y t o G o o d r e m ' s f o r t u n a t e recovery. T h e n , s o m e t i m e after releasing her t h i r d a l b u m , G o o d r e m d e c i d e d t h a t t h i s s i n g i n g c a p e r was f o r s c h m u c k s . She c a m e t o t h e realisation t h a t s o m a n y b e f o r e her h a d c o m e t o - t h a t b o g a n bucks can b e m a d e far m o r e easily t h a n b y actually d o i n g stuff. She d e c i d e d t o l e n d her r e n e w e d f l o w i n g locks a n d g l a m o u r l o o k s t o selling s h a m p o o . A n d d e c i d e d she l i k e d it.

T h e b o g a n likes b u y i n g t h i n g s . D e l t a likes selling t h i n g s . In s o m e c o s m i c a l i g n m e n t o n l y seen every 5 0 0 0 years o r i n t h e occasional Schwarzenegger film, G o o d r e m began to mine a vein of b o g a n b u c k s s o rich a s t o b o g g l e t h e m i n d o f a m a t e u r s like p u b l i c i s t M a x Markson. Markson must constantly be alert to the proclivities of t h e b o g a n - which celebrities it is i n t e r e s t e d in r e a d i n g / talking about - then manipulate the bogan media in order to increase his p a y m e n t s t o t h e m a x t r e m e . D e l t a , b y c o n t r a s t , rocks up at a p h o t o s t u d i o , p o s e s f o r s o m e s h o t s , r e c o r d s a s o u n d b i t e o r t w o , t h e n w a l k s b a c k t o her m a n s i o n a n d w a t c h e s t h e b o g a n b u c k s roll i n . W h a t ' s m o r e , she has successfully t a r g e t e d her p r o d u c t p r o m o t i o n s to hit on s o m e incredibly p o t e n t b o g a n pressure p o i n t s . She sells P r o A c t i v skin care, w i t h a f o r m u l a so a d v a n c e d t h a t t h e b o g a n c o u l d n o t p o s s i b l y u n d e r s t a n d it, a n d t h u s b e l i e v e s t h a t it is e n t i r e l y r e s p o n s i b l e f o r Delta's a l a b a s t e r skin. She a d v e r t i s e s Sunsilk s h a m p o o , w h i c h t h e b o g a n n a t u r a l l y insists i s t h e reason f o r her c a s c a d i n g reams of g o l d e n b l o n d e hair. She a d v e r t i s e s So G o o d soy milk, t o e n s u r e t h e b o g a n can revel i n her a b i l i t y t o sell h i p p y m i l k t o h i p p i e s . She sells t h e music m a g a z i n e i n N e w s Ltd's Thursday papers, the same magazine that routinely informs the b o g a n a b o u t h o w o u t s t a n d i n g t h e latest A u s t r a l i a n Idol's a l b u m is, via a series of h a r d - h i t t i n g i n t e r v i e w s . M o s t i m p o r t a n t l y t h o u g h , she sells W i i S p o r t s a n d N i n t e n d o D S Brain T r a i n i n g . T h e s e t w o p r o d u c t s are s o f a c e - m e l t i n g l y b o g a n t h a t their c o m b i n a t i o n w i t h such a b o g a n w i t c h d o c t o r is t h e proverbial b o g a n bug-zapper. Wii Sports advertises to the b o g a n t h a t i t can lose w e i g h t a n d g e t f i t b y s t a n d i n g still a n d w a t c h i n g t e l e v i s i o n . Brain T r a i n i n g a d v e r t i s e s t h a t i t can m a k e t h e b o g a n

s m a r t e r by p o i n t i n g a stylus at an array of t h i r d - g r a d e p r o b l e m solving c h a l l e n g e s on a p o r t a b l e s c r e e n . N o w f a t t e r , d u m b e r , w i t h g r e a s y hair, e q u a l l y g r e a s y s k i n , a love of Lady G a g a a n d an i n e x p l i c a b l e a d d i c t i o n to soy m i l k - its l o n g - h e l d soy allergy n o t w i t h s t a n d i n g - t h e b o g a n waits w i t h b a t e d b r e a t h t o see h o w o n e a r t h D e l t a can m a k e its life b e t t e r n e x t .

Louis Vuitton, Moet et Hennessy

Years ago, marketeers figured out that correctly branding a product
allowed a company to charge four trillion times as much, and that b o g a n s w o u l d still p u r c h a s e it. S o m e c o m p a n i e s w e r e b e t t e r a t p u l l i n g this o f f t h a n o t h e r s , w i t h t h e c o n c e p t o f E u r o p e a n p r e s t i g e a p p e a r i n g t o resonate particularly w e l l inside t h e cavernous c h a m b e r o f t h e b o g a n skull. This was d e s p i t e t h e b o g a n ' s o n l y e x p e r i e n c e o f Europe b e i n g a 12-day v o m i t - p a c k e d blur a b o a r d a Contiki bus. In the late 1980s, t h e s c a t t e r e d c o n f i g u r a t i o n of European luxury c o m p a n i e s b e g a n t o clot into m a g n e t i c l u m p s o f b o g a n joy. M o e t e t C h a n d o n , H e n n e s s y a n d Louis V u i t t o n w e r e b r o u g h t under the one roof, and more and more additions were m a d e after t h e n . T h e French p a r e n t c o m p a n y b e l i e v e d i t h a d u n c o v e r e d the ultimate formula for savaging b o g a n bank accounts, and they w a n t e d to do it with as many brands as possible. I n d e e d , t h e b o g a n i s w i l l i n g t o s e n d itself d e e p i n t o t h e p i t o f insolvency i n o r d e r t o a c q u i r e LVMH g o o d s . F e m a l e b o g a n s display 1 0 0 % interest i n Louis V u i t t o n p r o d u c t s , a n d are w i l l i n g t o pay 2 0 % interest t o M a s t e r c a r d i n o r d e r t o b o l s t e r t h e i r e g o s i n this manner. T h e m a l e b o g a n i s n o t i m m u n e either, a s i t i s p r o n e t o s p e n d i n g $3000 on a TAG Heuer watch, another LVMH brand. TAG Heuer understands the bogan's w a r p e d concept of mateship, evidenced

b y t h e b r a n d c o n s p i c u o u s l y s t i c k i n g w i t h its m u l t i m i l l i o n - d o l l a r s p o n s o r s h i p o f d i s g r a c e d - t h e n - f o r g i v e n s p o r t star a n d a d u l t e r o u s w o m a n i s e r T i g e r W o o d s . This increases t h e b o g a n ' s desire t o purchase t h e w a t c h . Even t h o u g h t h e b o g a n rarely d r i n k s c h a m p a g n e a n d has n o idea o f t h e d i f f e r e n c e b e t w e e n a s u b t l e , e f f e r v e s c e n t d r o p a n d $ 5 s p a r k l i n g s a u v i g n o n , i t will c e l e b r a t e occasions b y c o n s p i c u o u s l y swilling a $ 7 0 b o t t l e o f M o e t . I t d o e s this o u t o f its d e e p c o m p u l s i o n t o live like a c e l e b r i t y , a n d i t w i l l r e t a i n t h e e m p t y b o t t l e i n a p r o m i n e n t p o s i t i o n i n its h o u s e f o r m a n y m o n t h s . T h e b o g a n will l o u d l y d e s c r i b e t h e e x p e r i e n c e t o a n y o n e w h o will l i s t e n . I t i s n o t i n t e r e s t e d i n o t h e r b r a n d s , unless s o m e o n e has t o l d i t t h a t its favourite celebrity drinks Veuve Clicquot. However, the b o g a n i s e v e n w o r s e a t p r o n o u n c i n g t h a t b r a n d n a m e , m e a n i n g i t will g e n e r a l l y stick w i t h e i t h e r its M o w e e o r M o w e r t . LVMH has s p u n n u m e r o u s o t h e r sticky w e b s t o t r a p any a i r b o r n e b o g a n b u c k s . Brands such as M a r c J a c o b s , DKNY, F e n d i a n d Kenzo have b e e n k n o w n t o p e n e t r a t e t h e b o g a n ' s oversized Christian Dior sunglasses . . . t h e p a r e n t b r a n d of t h e e n t i r e LVMH e m p i r e . This g a l a x y o f g l i t t e r i n g b r a n d s has sent t h o u s a n d s o f b o g a n s b r o k e . A t this p o i n t , t h e y w i l l r u n f r o m t h e t a x d e p a r t m e n t b y j u m p i n g o n a J e t s t a r f l i g h t t o Bali o r T h a i l a n d , w h e r e t h e y w i l l p u r c h a s e f i v e d i f f e r e n t k n o c k o f f Louis V u i t t o n h a n d b a g s , t h r e e pairs o f D i o r sunglasses, a n d a d u t y f r e e b o t t l e o f M o e t .

The Lynx effect

Today's classy woman makes informed decisions about the partner
she c h o o s e s . She w a n t s a m a n w h o k n o w s a t w h a t t e m p e r a t u r e to p r o p e r l y serve cheese. A man w h o knows h o w to correctly

decant cellared red wine to remove sediment. A man with at least a p a s s i n g k n o w l e d g e of A m e r i c a n m o d e r n i s t l i t e r a t u r e . A m a n w h o ' s n o t g o i n g t o r u n o f f w i t h t h e f i r s t s l a p p e r w h o rubs u p a g a i n s t h i m o n t h e d a n c e floor, j u s t a s t h e V e n g a b u s ' arrival appears imminent. In s h o r t , t h e b o g a n m a l e n e e d s h e l p to p i c k up a classy chick. Thankfully, help has arrived in t h e f o r m of t h e Lynx e f f e c t - an e f f e c t caused b y scent s o p r i m a l l y p o t e n t , f e m a l e s o f t h e species instantly devolve to making m a t i n g decisions based purely on p h e r o m o n a l r e s p o n s e . A f t e r all, it's n a m e d a f t e r a w i l d , t o o t h s o m e b i g c a t . O n e spray o f this m a g i c c o n c o c t i o n , a n d e v e n t h e m o s t t e r m i n a l l y u g l y a n d crass b o g a n m a l e can m a c k w i t h t h e m o s t f e r o c i o u s l y unattainable corporate lawyer-cum-lingerie m o d e l . The Lynx e f f e c t is so p o w e r f u l , in f a c t , t h a t o t h e r m a l e g r o o m i n g c o m p a n i e s s e n t t h e i r s u p e r - a w e s o m e scientists off o n missions t o incorporate it into their slightly-less-masculine products. W h a t e m e r g e d was a c o l l e c t i o n o f h i d e o u s l y f r a g r a n t a r m p i t s a t u r a t o r s s o p o w e r f u l t h a t it's a w o n d e r t h a t b o g a n s e v e r y w h e r e a r e n ' t busy f o r m i n g h a r e m s o f s l a v e r i n g , f e c u n d c o n c u b i n e s . A n d t h e Lynx effect s p r e a d t o o t h e r d e o d o r a n t s . B r u t , o n c e t h e r e a l m o f o l d e r m e n l o o k i n g for s o m e generic, affordable suave chic, b e c a m e 'STILL BRUTALLY M A L E ' , m a k i n g s a i d m i d d l e - a g e d m e n t h e s u p p o s e d t a r g e t f o r t h e v e r y s l a p p e r s t h e i r w i v e s are s u p p o s e d l y t e r r i f i e d of. T h e smells c r e a t e d are s o n e w t o h u m a n k i n d , t h e c o m p a n i e s eventually a b a n d o n e d trying to give t h e m properly adjectival n a m e s , a n d i n s t e a d a s s i g n e d t h e m w o r d s like ' A c c e l e r a t e ' , ' S h a r p Focus', 'Pulse', ' V i c e ' a n d ' D i m e n s i o n ' . O f c o u r s e , w i t h smells s o p o w e r f u l , a n d n a m e s s o p o w e r f u l , i t s t o o d t o reason t h a t t h e cans'

p r o p e l l a n t be capable of g e n e r a t i n g individual o z o n e holes in t h r e e sprays. T h u s , t h e b o g a n can e m p t y a can o n c e a w e e k , s o o n e n o u g h t o m a i n t a i n a r o t a t i n g roster o f n o s t r i l - a s s a u l t i n g musk. O n Thursday, t h e b o g a n ' s ' J a v a ' day, i t exits its h o m e t o h e a d off f o r w o r k , a v a p o r o u s c l o u d w a f t i n g g e n t l y b e h i n d it, l o o k i n g f o r all t h e w o r l d like h e a t haze. I t w a n d e r s i n t o t h e o f f i c e , all w i n k s a n d f i n g e r - g u n s , b e f o r e s l a p p i n g its c o - w o r k e r o n t h e r u m p a n d asking ' T o o t s ' h o w she's d o i n g . O n Friday h e can n o l o n g e r a f f o r d access t o t h e Lynx e f f e c t .

Franchises
Ifs not that the bogan is afraid. The bogan is maxtreme, and not
a f r a i d o f a n y t h i n g . It's m o r e t h a t . . . w e l l , t h e i n d e p e n d e n t b a k e r y m i g h t h a v e rats o n t h e f l o o r , a n d w h o k n o w s w h a t t h e c h a r c o a l chicken s t o r e is p u t t i n g in its gravy? It's n o t fear, i t ' s . . . it's s t a n d a r d s . Yeah, s t a n d a r d s . T h e b o g a n has s t a n d a r d s . S t a n d a r d s t h a t can only b e m e t w h e n t h e f r o n t o f t h e s h o p has a f a m i l i a r l o g o t h a t t h e b o g a n has s e e n i n o t h e r s u b u r b s a n d t o w n s t o o . It's b e s t f o r t h e b o g a n to be nourished by the Colonel's mystery gravy instead. Despite Jim Penman holding a PhD in the b o g a n - d e r i d e d intellectual f i e l d o f history, h e has m a n a g e d t o b e c o m e t h e b e a r d e d c a r t o o n t h a t pacifies m a n y areas o f t h e b o g a n ' s life. S t a r t i n g w i t h a m o w i n g business i n 1 9 8 2 , t h e b o g a n n o w t r u s t s J i m t o clean its c a r p e t s , install its a n t e n n a s , e v e n t o w a s h its d o g . His evere x p a n d i n g u n i v e r s e o f f r a n c h i s e d s e r v i c e businesses m e a n t h a t t h e b o g a n m a y never n e e d t o invite a n u n b r a n d e d h u m a n i n t o its McMansion again. Franchised b r a n d s d o s o m u c h m o r e t h a n j u s t m a k e t h e b o g a n f e e l c a l m in its c o n f u s i n g w o r l d , t h e y are also crucial papier-mache

f o r its t h i n latex i d e n t i t y . W h e n t h e b o g a n w a n t s o t h e r s t o p e r c e i v e it as healthy, it will circle t h e f o o d c o u r t c l a s p i n g a B o o s t J u i c e , l o g o facing outwards. W h e n the b o g a n wants to seem sophisticated, i n t o Gloria Jean's c o s m o p o l i t a n m a w it shall m a r c h . A n d after a b i g a f t e r n o o n a t E n d o t a Spa, w h a t b e t t e r l o o k f o r t h e b o g a n f e m a l e t h a n t o c o l l e c t its nascent A D H D charlatans f r o m a 1 4 - h o u r s t i n t a t t h e local A B C L e a r n i n g C e n t r e . W h i l e A B C i s i n a d m i n i s t r a t i o n due to b a d debts and maxtremely shonky accounting practices, t h e b o g a n i s less a f r a i d o f f r a n c h i s e d c o r p o r a t e c r o o k s t h a n t h e p o t e n t i a l p a e d o p h i l e s w o r k i n g a t c o m m u n i t y c h i l d care c e n t r e s . From t i m e t o t i m e , t h e e n t e r p r i s i n g b o g a n will express a d e s i r e t o b u y its o w n franchise o f a b r a n d t h a t i t e n j o y s p u r c h a s i n g f r o m . W h i l e t h e r e i s a 9 5 % c h a n c e t h a t this will n e v e r b e c o m e a n y t h i n g more than talk, m o s t of t h e o t h e r 5% will involve t h e b o g a n o v e r p a y i n g f o r a p o o r l y c o n c e i v e d o r l o c a t e d business, a n d q u i c k l y learning t h a t b e i n g a n o w n e r - o p e r a t o r i s m u c h h a r d e r w o r k t h a n earning p e n a l t y rates t o j o i n m o r o n i c F a c e b o o k g r o u p s o n s o m e o n e else's t i m e . A t this p o i n t t h e b o g a n will e x i t t h e business a t a loss, a n d tell its f r i e n d s t h a t it is ' e x p l o r i n g o t h e r o p p o r t u n i t i e s ' . T h e b o g a n ' s o v e r w h e l m i n g u r g e t o r e m a i n w e l l inside its o w n n a r r o w c o m f o r t z o n e has d r i v e n A u s t r a l i a t o b e c o m e t h e m o s t d e n s e l y f r a n c h i s e d n a t i o n o n e a r t h . S o set i n its w a y s d o e s t h e b o g a n b e c o m e that it is unwilling to even d a b b l e in unfamiliar franchises, d e s p i t e t h e i r i n h e r e n t f r a n c h i s e d t r u s t w o r t h i n e s s . T h a t said, the bogan's resistance to change is swiftly b r o k e n d o w n once a celebrity e n d o r s e m e n t or o t h e r m a r k e t i n g c a m p a i g n is u n d e r t a k e n . For w h i l e each b o g a n is a u n i q u e s n o w f l a k e , franchises a l l o w t h e m t o b e a s precisely a s u n i q u e a s e a c h other.

Residential property investment

The bogan hates being told what to do, hates having its movements
r e s t r i c t e d , a n d hates f e e l i n g o b l i g e d to a n y o n e . This is an i m p o r t a n t reason w h y it loves p u r c h a s i n g i n v e s t m e n t p r o p e r t i e s : so it can t e l l s o m e o n e w h a t t o d o , restrict t h e i r m o v e m e n t s a n d have s o m e o n e feel o b l i g e d t o t h e m . W h i l e t h e b o g a n f i n d s o t h e r classes o f i n v e s t m e n t t o b e annoyingly abstract, residential p r o p e r t y provides t h e b o g a n with t h e a b i l i t y t o c u t c o r n e r s o n m a i n t e n a n c e , a n d t o s m u g l y survey its e m p i r e . W o r r i e d a b o u t t a l e s t o l d t o i t b y u n i n f o r m e d b o g a n f r i e n d s a b o u t s t o c k m a r k e t losses, i t w i l l e n t h u s i a s t i c a l l y lap u p advice dispensed by the same uninformed b o g a n friends about t h e magic of negative g e a r i n g on residential property. I n d e e d , it is likely t h a t t h e b o g a n f o l l o w e d its h e r d a n d i n v e s t e d in a Telstra s t o c k o f f e r i n g , o n l y t o b e i n f u r i a t e d b y years o f p o o r p e r f o r m a n c e . T h e i m p a t i e n t b o g a n t h e n sells l o w a n d d e c r i e s t h e e n t i r e s t o c k market as ' d o d g y ' . W i t h this h a t r e d o f d o d g i n e s s fresh i n its m i n d , t h e b o g a n will seek refuge in t h e fantastic 2 5 % returns p r o m i s e d at p r o p e r t y s e m i n a r s c o n d u c t e d b y f i n e b u s i n e s s m e n such a s H e n r y Kaye. A t t h e c o n c l u s i o n o f t h e d a z z l i n g seminar, t h e b o g a n r e m o r t g a g e s t h r e e o f its i n t e r n a l o r g a n s a n d p a r t o f its M c M a n s i o n t o i n v e s t in a y e t - t o - b e - c o n s t r u c t e d w a t e r f r o n t villa in a p a r t of t h e G u l f of C a r p e n t a r i a t h a t i s ' a b o u t t o b o o m ' . This s p e c u l a t o r y p r o c e s s i s r e p l i c a t e d i n o t h e r e m o t i o n - / e g o - d r i v e n a c q u i s i t i o n s i n its h o m e t o w n , all h i g h l y l e v e r a g e d . This c o m p l e t e lack o f p o r t f o l i o diversification leaves t h e b o g a n ' s nascent e m p i r e o p e n t o x t r e m e things. W h e n p r o p e r t y prices i n c r e a s e , i t w i l l t a k e o u t a h i g h - i n t e r e s t e q u i t y l o a n a g a i n s t its

existing properties to fund the acquisition of new ones, further o u t s m a r t i n g t h e m a r k e t w i t h its i n s p i r e d b l e n d o f g r e e d a n d hubris. F e e l i n g e v e r y b i t t h e b u l l e t p r o o f o l i g a r c h , i t will p u r c h a s e t h i n g s such a s h i g h - p e r f o r m a n c e vehicles, y a c h t i n g h o l i d a y s a n d a h o m e t h e a t r e s y s t e m t h e size o f B a r n a b y J o y c e ' s e c o n o m i c incompetence. Disappointed that the 'HEHEHE' personalised n u m b e r p l a t e is n o t a v a i l a b l e , it settles f o r 'NVESTA'. A year o r t w o d o w n t h e t r a c k , t h e f e d e r a l g o v e r n m e n t r e l u c t a n t l y accepts t h a t i t can n o l o n g e r f u n d p o l i c i e s d e s i g n e d t o artificially inflate residential p r o p e r t y values a n d a p p e a s e g l u t t o n o u s b o g a n v o t e r s . Prices t h e n fall m o d e r a t e l y , s e n d i n g t h e b o g a n ' s b l o a t e d and astoundingly leveraged portfolio into a tailspin. The bank t h e n calls i n s o m e n e g a t i v e e q u i t y loans a n d t h e b o g a n i s f o r c e d t o a r r a n g e a s t r i n g o f hasty a u c t i o n s a t t h e b o t t o m o f t h e market." A l l t h a t remains is a f i v e - y e a r - o l d car, a f i v e - y e a r - o l d TV a n d a b a n k a c c o u n t t h e size o f Peter G a r r e t t ' s p r o j e c t m a n a g e m e n t skills. A s t h e b o g a n d e j e c t e d l y sifts t h r o u g h its mail o n a u c t i o n day, i t eyes a p a m p h l e t g u a r a n t e e i n g 3 0 % returns o n t h e s t o c k m a r k e t a n d a n accompanying seminar at a nearby m o t e l t h e f o l l o w i n g w e e k e n d .

Their taxpayer dollars

The bogan hates tax. It will go to remarkable lengths to concoct a
system of cash j o b s , shifty a c c o u n t a n t s a n d b a l d - f a c e d lies in o r d e r t o m i n i m i s e t h e a m o u n t o f m o n e y t h a t i t c o n t r i b u t e s t o sustain t h e nation of which it is so p r o u d . However, w h e n political correctness goes m a d , the nanny state will often catch t h e b o g a n o u t and m a k e i t p a y s o m e t h i n g a p p r o x i m a t i n g a fair a m o u n t o f t a x . A f t e r b r i e f l y c o n s i d e r i n g g e t t i n g Slater & G o r d o n t o t a k e t h e i r case t o t h e M a x t r e m e C o u r t , t h e b o g a n realises t h a t c o o p e r a t i n g w i t h t h e

intellectuals at t h e A u s t r a l i a n T a x a t i o n O f f i c e is n o t as h o r r i f y i n g as it initially t h o u g h t . N o w t h a t t h e b o g a n has p a i d s o m e t a x , i t i s e n t i t l e d t o d e m a n d (via its t r u s t e d n e w s s o u r c e s ) t h a t t h e e n t i r e f e d e r a l b u d g e t i s d e d i c a t e d solely t o b a n k r o l l i n g b o g a n i t y . T h e b o g a n i s n o t racist, b u t a g o v e r n m e n t p l a n t o s p e n d millions o f t h e b o g a n ' s t a x p a y e r dollars o n g e t t i n g A b o r i g i n a l life e x p e c t a n c y t o w i t h i n t e n years o f t h e rest o f A u s t r a l i a i s u n a c c e p t a b l e t o t h e n o n - A b o r i g i n a l b o g a n . This stance is c o n f i r m e d later t h a t n i g h t , w h e n t h e b o g a n sees a c h e e r f u l Ernie D i n g o i n p e r f e c t h e a l t h o n its p l a s m a s c r e e n . A t this p o i n t , t h e b o g a n will a n n o u n c e t o t h e o t h e r s i n t h e r o o m t h a t t h e government does indeed need to be sacked. B u t it's n o t j u s t t h a t b o g a n s w a n t t h e f e d e r a l b u d g e t t o b e e n t i r e l y g e a r e d t o w a r d s b o g a n s ; each b o g a n w a n t s t h e b u d g e t t o b e all a b o u t its o w n a g e n d a f o r t h e c o m i n g m o n t h s . This can r a n g e f r o m demands to inexplicably d o u b l e the baby bonus (despite its b u m p e r sticker v o w i n g t h a t A u s t r a l i a i s full), crank u p t h e first h o m e o w n e r ' s g r a n t t o e x a c e r b a t e a n asset b u b b l e , o r r e w a r d a moronic Facebook g r o u p that wants another one-off $900 just because. They're the bogan's taxpayer dollars, d a m m i t , and t h e b o g a n w a n t s t h e m r e t u r n e d t o its b a n k a c c o u n t i n e x p o n e n t i a l quantities. W h i l e t h e b o g a n has n o c o n c e p t o f t h e a d m i n i s t r a t i v e a n d o t h e r costs of r u n n i n g a first w o r l d d e m o c r a c y , it has an i n t u i t i v e sense o f w h e n i t i s b e i n g r i p p e d off. T h e s t a m p d u t y o n its M c M a n s i o n i s a b s u r d l y h i g h , a n d it's d e f i n i t e l y n o t r e l a t e d t o t h e e n o r m o u s infrastructure expense of yet another sprawling and inefficient housing estate on the urban fringe, subsidised by non-bogans. T h e b o g a n ' s t a x p a y e r d o l l a r s d e m a n d a t r a i n , a s c h o o l , a n d Krispy

Kreme within a three-minute drive of wherever it chooses to c o n s t r u c t its 4 0 - s q u a r e glass c u b e . A n d t h e first h o m e o w n e r ' s g r a n t s h o u l d b e e x t e n d e d t o all h o m e o w n e r s t o instantly m a k e h o m e s cheaper. A n d n o w t h a t t h e r e ' s n o r e m a i n i n g a g r i c u l t u r a l land w i t h i n 7 0 k i l o m e t r e s o f a c a p i t a l city, f o o d i s t o o e x p e n s i v e . T h e b o g a n ' s taxpayer dollars require t h a t t h e g o v e r n m e n t 'does s o m e t h i n g ' t h a t allows t h e b o g a n t o c o n t i n u e e x i s t i n g e n t i r e l y s e p a r a t e l y f r o m t h e c o n s e q u e n c e s o f its a c t i o n s .

Cheap petrol
It emerges from its cave. Primed for a successful hunt, the patient
bogan prey. alert, is aware that it can sometimes take It searches down in hours to find its desired eyes the valleys and up on the hilltops, limbs supple, the bogan ready to spring. remains

scanning the landscape, potential is distractions, in

Despite By

countless

focused.

now the sun Up in ahead, the

high

the sky and the bogan half-obscured by a what the bogan

is becoming thirsty. bush, has shimmering searched so adrenaline docket

it sees something,

heat haze. The through

Could it be reaches veins,

hard for? coursing

bogan its

for its

weapon,

and

with

it sees

that its

four-cents-off-fuel

is still within

its u s e - b y date.

The bogan pounces.

P e t r o l i s m o r e i m p o r t a n t t o t h e b o g a n t h a n a n y t h i n g else. A o n e c e n t rise i n t h e p r i c e o f p e t r o l will cost t h e b o g a n n u m e r o u s cents p e r w e e k . C e n t s t h a t c o u l d b e u s e d p u r c h a s i n g a v e h i c l e with a more maxtreme fuel-swigging engine, or on upgrading to an even more grotesque McMansion ten kilometres further f r o m its w o r k p l a c e . W h i l e t h e b o g a n i s p e r f e c t l y h a p p y t o s p e n d a l a r m i n g a m o u n t s o f m o n e y o n a n y t h i n g Harvey N o r m a n i s o f f e r i n g interest-free, d o m e s t i c a l l y p r o d u c e d f o r e i g n label beer, o r w h a t e v e r

Christian A u d i g i e r is f o i s t i n g on it this s e a s o n , s u b t l e m o v e m e n t s i n t h e p r i c e o f f u e l i n d u c e a level o f h o r r o r e q u i v a l e n t t o t h a t p r o d u c e d b y m u l t i p l e c u r r e n t affairs p r o g r a m s e g m e n t s r u n n i n g o n m u l t i p l e channels s i m u l t a n e o u s l y . The field of b o g a n o m i c s is a landmine-strewn p a d d o c k w i t h no d e f i n e d boundaries, no farmer, and a m o b of rabid beasts h e a d b u t t i n g each o t h e r i n t e r m i t t e n t l y . W h i l e t h e b o g a n has a v a g u e awareness t h a t p e t r o l prices are t h e A r a b s ' f a u l t , i t also k n o w s t h a t it's t h e g o v e r n m e n t ' s f a u l t . T h e g r e e d y oil c o m p a n i e s also g e t a h e a l t h y slice o f t h e b o g a n ' s b l a m e . It's certainly n o t t h e f a u l t o f t h e bogan's penchant for energy consumption, or the economics of the earth's g e o l o g y . A l l t h a t t h e b o g a n n e e d s t o k n o w i s t h a t it's g e t t i n g r i p p e d off, a n d w a n t s j u s t i c e . T h e k i n d o f j u s t i c e t h a t d e l i v e r s u n t o the b o g a n an endless stream of a w e s o m e , while simultaneously e n s u r i n g t h e r e are n o c o n s e q u e n c e s f o r its c r e t i n o u s a c t i o n s . After idling in a queue extra for ten minutes, of fuel. that the bogan's patriotic

Chevrolet c o n t a i n s an strides towards the

30 litres it knows

As the proud bogan its financial prudence, But is

counter,

along with its lengthy suburban hunt, pride leads to complacency. The

has saved it over a dollar. bogan's previously steely focus left, and the magazine

scuttled by the the right.

drinks fridge to the

rack to

It is reminded of its thirst.

Ninety seconds later,

it waddles

out clutching to its chest the massive cans on the front of a $6 lad's magazine, and two massive cans of Mother.

Buying Australian made

As has been sufficiently covered hereabouts, the bogan likes things.
Particularly c o m p e l l i n g t o t h e b o g a n are t h i n g s i t can buy. Big t h i n g s , flashy t h i n g s w i t h m y s t e r i o u s p r o p e r t i e s , interest-free t h i n g s , t h i n g s

powered by petrol, and even things that aren't things. Following a concerted campaign by the Australian C h a m b e r of C o m m e r c e a n d Industry, t h e b o g a n b e l i e v e s t h a t it can also b u y its kids a j o b . W h i l e t h e b o g a n has little i n t e r e s t i n r e t r a i n i n g itself o r c a r r y i n g o u t u n p l e a s a n t tasks like d r i v i n g taxis f u l l o f o t h e r d r u n k e n b o g a n s , i t n o n e t h e l e s s clings a r d e n t l y t o t h e idea t h a t i t always d e s e r v e s a j o b , n o m a t t e r w h a t . A s a result, i t w a n t s Indians t o s t o p t a k i n g its j o b , a n d keenly a w a i t s t h e i n v e n t i o n o f a driverless t a x i . T o t h e b o g a n , b u y i n g A u s t r a l i a n m a d e i s t h e retail e q u i v a l e n t o f w e a r i n g a f l a g c a p e a n d p u n c h i n g o n a t t h e Big Day O u t . T h a t i s t o say, t o t a l l y m a x t r e m e t r u e b l u e . It's w h a t t h e A N Z A C s w o u l d have d o n e , h a d t h e y n o t p u r c h a s e d British L e e - E n f i e l d rifles f o r t h e i r v i c t o r y at G a l l i p o l i i n s t e a d . In its g e n e r o u s a t t e m p t s to b u y its kids a j o b , t h e b o g a n will e v e n b u y as m a n y A u s t r a l i a n m a d e houses as its p y r a m i d - s c h e m e - w a r y b a n k m a n a g e r w i l l a l l o w i t t o , m e a n i n g t h a t its kids will i n d e e d have t o w o r k n u m e r o u s j o b s t o ever b e able t o b u y i n t o t h e b o g a n - b l o a t e d p r o p e r t y m a r k e t . W i t h its canny, j o b - b u y i n g real e s t a t e i n v e s t m e n t s i n p l a c e , t h e b o g a n k n o w s t h a t i t can a d d v a l u e t o each p r o p e r t y b y m a k i n g improvements to t h e m . Off to Bunnings Warehouse the b o g a n will march, to buy as many w a t e r features, b a t h r o o m cabinets a n d stainless steel splashbacks as its t h i r d c r e d i t c a r d will p e r m i t . Thanks t o B u n n i n g s ' b u y i n g p o w e r , t h e b o g a n can s e c u r e m o r e C h i n e s e - m a d e p r o d u c t s f o r its b u c k t h a n ever b e f o r e . A s i t t u r n s out, while the b o g a n is fiercely vocal a b o u t buying Australian m a d e , it is u l t i m a t e l y a s h o r t - s i g h t e d , s e l f - i n t e r e s t e d c r e t i n m o r e i n t e r e s t e d i n o u t - g l i t z i n g its n e i g h b o u r s . A n y a t t e m p t t o e x p l a i n this to t h e b o g a n w i l l result in glassing w i t h a Russian-made IKEA t u m b l e r t h a t costs o n l y $ 1 . 4 9 e a c h .

I n d e e d , w h i l e t h e b o g a n seems q u i t e c o n t e n t t o have its personal purchasing decisions expedite the collapse of the Australian automotive, textiles, clothing and footwear, and tyre manufacturing i n d u s t r i e s , i t reserves t h e r i g h t t o c o m p l a i n . W h e n e v e r a f a c t o r y closure is a n n o u n c e d , it will s h o u t at its J a p a n e s e p l a s m a TV f o r Kevin R u d d / J u l i a G i l l a r d / M a r k L a t h a m o r w h o e v e r i s l e a d i n g t h e ALP w h e n this b o o k g o e s t o p r i n t t o ' d o s o m e t h i n g ' . Its n a t i o n a l d u t y t h u s s e r v e d , t h e b o g a n will c h a n g e t h e c h a n n e l i n t i m e f o r Two and a Half Men, t h u s b u y i n g C h a r l i e Sheen's e x - w i f e ' s lawyer a job.

Banks
The bogan will tell you that banks are greedy, evil institutions run by
c o r p o r a t e f a t cats a n d c o n m e n . But i n 2 0 0 9 , t h e a v e r a g e Australian b o g a n w i l l i n g l y g a v e a t l e a s t 1 0 % o f its d i s p o s a b l e i n c o m e t o banks and o t h e r providers of consumer credit. The b o g a n does n o t e x t e n d t h i s k i n d o f g e n e r o s i t y t o any o t h e r g r o u p , p r o v i n g that despite often bleating to the contrary regarding profiteering, h i d d e n f e e s a n d o t h e r r i p - o f f s on Affair, b o g a n s like b a n k s . This c o n t r a d i c t o r y b e h a v i o u r i s t y p i c a l o f t h e b o g a n , a n d i s d r i v e n b y s o m e o f t h e b o g a n ' s p r i m o r d i a l likes: o w n i n g t h i n g s , b i g t h i n g s ( a n d t h e r e f o r e o w n i n g b i g t h i n g s ) , a l o n g w i t h its inability to t h i n k b e y o n d t h e n e x t ad b r e a k in Two and a Half Men, w h i c h renders i n c o m p r e h e n s i b l e t h e c o n c e p t of saving. This means that in order to o w n big things, the b o g a n must find someone else t o p a y f o r t h e m . E n t e r b a n k s . Bank e x e c u t i v e s , rivalling M a x M a r k s o n i n t h e evil g e n i u s stakes, have l o n g k n o w n t h a t t h e b o g a n i s i n c a p a b l e o f t u r n i n g d o w n e v e n t h e m o s t d r a c o n i a n , financially Today Tonight a n d A Current

c r i p p l i n g loan a g r e e m e n t in o r d e r to a c q u i r e a b i g g e r h o u s e , car, television a n d r i d e - o n l a w n m o w e r t h a n its n e i g h b o u r . W h i l e t h e b o g a n will cry f o u l w h e n its c r e d i t b e c o m e s m o r e expensive or financing is d e n i e d , and t h e bank will respond q u o t i n g wholesale f u n d i n g costs or d e f a u l t rate statistics, this t y p e of e x c h a n g e can b e l i k e n e d m o r e t o a lover's t i f f t h a n any d e e p - s e a t e d h a t r e d - o n t h e p a r t o f t h e b o g a n a t least. D e e p d o w n t h e b o g a n knows t h a t its love for, a n d d e p e n d e n c e o n , its b a n k is never e n d i n g ; life s i m p l y w o u l d n o t b e w o r t h l i v i n g w i t h o u t t h e t e n d e r t o u c h o f finance t h a t allows it to p a r t i a l l y o w n such a vast array of o b j e c t s . It is a m a t c h m a d e in h e a v e n . T h e b o g a n : h u n t e r g a t h e r e r of consumer g o o d s , provider of interest payments. The bank: able t o satisfy t h e b o g a n ' s d e e p e s t desires w i t h t h e g e n t l e caress o f a r u b b e r s t a m p b e t w e e n t h e sheets o f its loan a p p l i c a t i o n f o r m .

Low interest rates

The bogan understands economics. With a level of understanding
akin t o J a m e s C a m e r o n ' s g r a s p o f s c r e e n p l a y s , t h e b o g a n w i l l f r e q u e n t l y i n v o k e its r i g h t t o f r e e s p e e c h t o o p i n e v o c i f e r o u s l y on the performance of t h e economy, thus the performance of t h e government of the m o m e n t . A n d the bogan knows that there is only o n e t r u e m e a s u r e o f e c o n o m i c p e r f o r m a n c e : i n t e r e s t rates. Interest rates are t h e Reserve Bank's sole m e a n s o f r e g u l a t i n g an overinflating economy, or spurring on sluggish consumer and business s p e n d i n g by d i s c o u r a g i n g or e n c o u r a g i n g bank l e n d i n g . H o w e v e r , unlike ' c o n v e n t i o n a l ' e c o n o m i c w i s d o m , w h i c h t h e b o g a n i s assured b y N e w s Ltd i s s p u r i o u s , t h e b o g a n k n o w s t h a t a t r u l y s t r o n g e c o n o m y exists o n l y w h e n i n t e r e s t rates are a t a l l - t i m e r e c o r d l o w s . T h e b o g a n a p p r o a c h e s i n t e r e s t rates m u c h

like a c l i m a t o l o g i c a l l y p a r a n o i d beaver. S h o u l d it rain heavily, t h e beaver's d a m c o u l d well b e f u c k e d . The b o g a n , l o a d e d u p w i t h $500,000 of b o r r o w e d m o n e y to pay off t h e M c M a n s i o n , views rising i n t e r e s t rates m u c h like i n c o m i n g i n c l e m e n t w e a t h e r - t h a t is, a clear signal o f i m p e n d i n g e c o n o m i c d o o m . T h u s , every m o n t h , t h e r e is a n e a r - p o r n o g r a p h i c o b s e s s i o n in the trashmedia with the u p c o m i n g announcements on interest rates, as 'journalists' rapidly calculate t h e m o n t h l y cost facing the overleveraged bogan's average mortgage repayments. Accordingly, b o g a n s will express o u t r a g e w h e n t h e banks have t h e t e m e r i t y t o 'pass o n t h e r a t e rise'. N a t i o n a l p o l i t i c i a n s will t h e n f u e l t h e f l a m e o f r i g h t e o u s b o g a n fury, c l a i m i n g t h a t t h e banks have a responsibility to bogans everywhere, and that their behaviour ( m a k i n g a p r o f i t ) is u n - A u s t r a l i a n . O n c e t h e d u s t has s e t t l e d , t h e b o g a n will b e g i n c o m p l a i n i n g t o e v e r y o n e a b o u t h o w t h e rising i n t e r e s t rates are t h e g o v e r n m e n t ' s a n d t h e b a n k s ' f a u l t , a n d t h a t t h e y are n o w i n ' m o r t g a g e stress', b e c a u s e t h a t is a t e r m t h e y h e a r d K o c h i e use o n c e . This is d e s p i t e t h e f a c t t h a t a t t h e t i m e o f w r i t i n g m o r t g a g e rates are still a b o u t half t h e level t h e y w e r e i n 1 9 9 1 . This i s also d e s p i t e t h e f a c t t h a t t h e b o g a n has h a p p i l y l o a d e d u p t h e c r e d i t c a r d a t 2 0 % f o r a n e w b o o k s h e l f f r o m IKEA. Still, a 0 . 2 5 % increase in t h e i n t e r e s t r a t e is enough to send the bogan into a seething rage. T h e b o g a n , u n d e r t h e e x t r a o r d i n a r y levels o f m o r t g a g e stress i t i n h e r i t e d d u e t o t h e p o l i c i e s o f a g o v e r n m e n t t h a t has n o c o n t r o l o v e r i n t e r e s t rates, w i l l a p p r o a c h t h e b a n k , asking t o fix its exchange rate. It understands economics, b u t not fixed or variable m o r t g a g e s . I t resigns itself t o w a t c h i n g t h e m o n t h l y a n n o u n c e m e n t o n t h e increase i n i n t e r e s t rates, a n d will t h e n exercise its r i g h t t o

free speech to opine vociferously a b o u t h o w unaffordable housing j i n Australia.

s

Playing the market

The bogan's love of making a quick buck is well noted, so it was
only a m a t t e r o f t i m e b e f o r e i t t u r n e d its Lilliputian a t t e n t i o n s p a n t o t h e s h a r e m a r k e t a n d its p r o m i s e o f easy, m a x t r e m e w e a l t h . But the b o g a n isn't i n t e r e s t e d in investing. It d o e s n ' t care for f u n d a m e n t a l analysis, P/E ratios or p o r t f o l i o d i v e r s i f i c a t i o n . Even t h e s h o r t e s t i n v e s t m e n t h o r i z o n i s t o o far b y half. T h e b o g a n w a n t s a q u i c k fix, a s u p e r e x p r e s s w a y to l e v i a t h a n p l a s m a s , h o t A s i a n escorts a n d s o l i d g o l d h o u s e s . Taking K o c h i e ' s a d v i c e o n Sunrise, t h e b o g a n p u t s $ 5 0 0 0 i n a m a n a g e d f u n d . B u t a f t e r a year, t h e b o g a n is s h o c k e d to l e a r n t h e f u n d has o n l y m a d e a p a l t r y 1 2 % ( d e s p i t e o u t p e r f o r m i n g t h e m a r k e t b y 4%). I t h a d e x p e c t e d t o t u r n t h a t $ 5 0 0 0 i n t o a t least $100,000 by now! T h e e x a s p e r a t e d b o g a n t h e n a c c o m p a n i e s its e n t r e p r e n e u r i a l m a t e Troy t o a s e m i n a r t h a t p r o m i s e s r e t i r e m e n t b y f o r t y . T h e b o g a n loves b e i n g i n o n a secret, a n d t h e s e m i n a r s e e m s t o offer a n exclusive a v e n u e t o i n t e n s e m a x millions. T w o h o u r s later, h o w e v e r , t h e b o g a n exits t h e s e m i n a r h u n g r y , c o n f u s e d a n d d i s s a t i s f i e d : t h e free sushi h a d w e i r d s e a f o o d in it, it d o e s n ' t u n d e r s t a n d w h a t a C F D is, a n d t h e o n l y t i m e i t h a d e v e r b e e n e x p o s e d t o a s t o p o r d e r i n t h e past was w h e n i t a t t e m p t e d t o e n t e r its p a r t n e r ' s b a c k d o o r w i t h o u t p r i o r p e r m i s s i o n . Besides, t h e p r o m i s e d 2 5 % p e r a n n u m r e t u r n is still grossly i n a d e q u a t e . Its plans o f b e c o m i n g t h e n e x t W a r r e n B u f f e t t b u f f e t e d , t h e b o g a n c o n s i d e r s d o u b l i n g its m o n e y a t t h e d o g s w h e n t h e c o n v e r s a t i o n

at Thursday night poker turns to the market. 'Boys,' the bogan's business m a t e Troy says t o t h e a t t e n t i v e c r o w d , ' a m a t e o f m i n e g a v e me a h o t t i p . . .' S c r a m b l i n g o u t s i d e in b e t w e e n C o r o n a s , t h e b o g a n j u m p s o n t h e i P h o n e t o his w i f e . ' J a d e , w e ' r e g o n n a b e r i c h , ' he e x h o r t s e x c i t e d l y . ' C a n y o u f r e e up s o m e m o n e y . . .' T h e n e x t day, t h e b o g a n p u t s t h e children's e d u c a t i o n f u n d i n Yam A h a L t d , a h i g h l y l e v e r a g e d a g r i c u l t u r a l i n v e s t m e n t s c h e m e , g r o w i n g yams in Papua N e w Guinea w i t h revolutionary f a r m i n g techniques. N o t content with the promised 150% return, the bogan t h e n t a k e s o u t a m a r g i n l o a n , b o o s t i n g his s u r e f i r e , g u a r a n t e e d return to a w h o p p i n g 300%. Initially t h e s t o c k d o e s w e l l , p r o m p t i n g t h e b o g a n t o g l o a t t o his f r i e n d s a b o u t ' p l a y i n g t h e m a r k e t ' a n d t o p u r c h a s e a n e w j e t ski a n d 3 D p l a s m a . O n e m o n t h later t h e s t o c k has t u r n e d s o u t h a s Tropical C y c l o n e W i l s o n leaves t h e s u m m e r y a m harvest i n ruins, a n d t h e b o g a n y a m m e r i n g . Initially, t h e b o g a n slogs i t o u t like a n A N Z A C , t a k i n g solace i n Troy's s a g e f o r e c a s t t h a t t h e w o r l d p r i c e of yams is a b o u t to rocket as the Chinese g o v e r n m e n t produces ethanol from yam extract. The next m o n t h , however, the stock p l u m m e t s b e f o r e g o i n g i n t o a t r a d i n g h a l t a s A S I C a n n o u n c e s Yam A h a is really a f r o n t f o r e n d a n g e r e d p a r r o t s m u g g l e r s . F o r c e d t o sell t h e M c M a n s i o n t o m e e t t h e m a r g i n c a l l , t h e b o g a n v o w s t o b e w i s e r w i t h his m o n e y i n f u t u r e . Until Troy tells him about the octagon scheme . . .

The casino
For the male bogan, failure is not an option. Until it fails. Until then,
a n y t h i n g t h e b o g a n a p p l i e s its f o r m i d a b l e f r o n t a l l o b e t o will result i n m a x t r e m e success, m o n e t a r y g a i n a n d a b e v y o f f e c u n d t e e n a g e

nubiles w a i t i n g i n t h e h a r e m . T h e s i m p l e s t , m o s t e f f e c t i v e , surefire means of success is w i n n i n g m o n e y p u r e l y by a p p l y i n g its savantlike statistical skills t o t h e a r t o f g a m b l i n g a n d w i n n i n g h e a p s o f cash. A n d t h e p l a c e i t can d o t h a t , w h i l e n e s t l e d i n t h e c o c o o n o f a r o o m full of o t h e r b o g a n s , is t h e casino. The Casino represents e v e r y t h i n g t h e b o g a n likes, w a n t s , aspires t o a n d fails at. A n e n o r m o u s g l i t z y s h o r t c u t o f a m e t r o p o l i s t h a t promises instant riches, h u m a n p e a c o c k s , v e l v e t r o p e s , y e a r - l o n g C i r q u e d u Soleil (or o t h e r f r a n c h i s e d e n t e r t a i n m e n t ) , b a d n i g h t c l u b s a n d , o f c o u r s e , lots a n d lots o f s h o p p i n g . O f t e n e m b l a z o n e d w i t h a t i t l e like ' T h e E n t e r t a i n m e n t C a p i t a l of t h e W o r l d ' , it is a s c h m a l t z y n o d t o t h e d e p r a v i t y t h a t i s t h e e c t o p l a s m o f t h e b o g a n city. Every major city has a casino, a n d b o g a n s will d r i v e f o r u p w a r d s of 100 k i l o m e t r e s t o arrive a t its s h i n i n g t e m p l e t o m e d i o c r i t y . H e r e , t h e b o g a n can a p p l y its skills a s a n u n i n f o r m e d g a m b l e r t o its heart's c o n t e n t , o n a v a r i e t y o f g a m e s , f r o m cards, t o s p i n n i n g w h e e l s , t o c o m p u t e r s w i t h f i x e d o d d s . O f 8 7 % . Poker m a c h i n e s , b e l o v e d o f b o g a n s a n d e l d e r l y f o l k e v e r y w h e r e , are a n i n c r e d i b l e example of the mind-boggling mathematical ineptitude of the b o g a n . For e v e r y d o l l a r t h a t g e t s p u t i n t o p o k e r m a c h i n e s i n a g i v e n s t a t e , t h e y will r e t u r n as little as 69 c e n t s . Yet still, t h e b o g a n k n o w s i t will ' b e a t t h e h o u s e ' . I t k n o w s this b e c a u s e i t o n c e saw a n e p i s o d e o f Las Vegas, w h e r e a n a f f a b l e s i m p l e t o n o v e r c a m e insurmountable o d d s t h r o u g h simple persistence and self-belief a n d w o n a m i l l i o n d o l l a r s . Characteristically, h o w e v e r , i t f a i l e d t o realise t h e d i s t i n c t i o n b e t w e e n w h a t i t sees o n t e l e v i s i o n a n d h o w it lives its life. Life i m i t a t i n g c r a p art. T h e b o g a n d o e s n ' t care f o r Oscar W i l d e , s o h e a d s f o r t h e c o u n t e r t o g e t m o r e d o l l a r coins. This c o u l d very w e l l be its lucky day.

Velvet ropes
Despite its loud, yowling denial of this fact to any bouncer who
g l a n c e s i n its d i r e c t i o n , t h e b o g a n l o v e s t o q u e u e . N i g h t c l u b o p e r a t o r s have b e e n aware of this for many years, a n d p r i m e b o g a n c l u b b i n g localities are f a m o u s f o r c r e a t i n g t e n - m e t r e q u e u e s a t t h e f r o n t d o o r o f a h a l f - e m p t y bar. T h e q u e u i n g p r o c e s s creates a n t i c i p a t i o n i n t h e b o g a n ' s m i n d , like a p a r t i c u l a r l y f a s t i d i o u s l y w r a p p e d gift. O f t e n , t h o u g h , a q u e u e o f b o g a n s w i l l b e c o m e unruly. F o r c e d to a r r a n g e t h e m s e l v e s in a logical s e q u e n c e , s q u a b b l e s a n d y e l l i n g m a t c h e s regularly e r u p t , c r e a t i n g a p u b l i c nuisance a n d causing t h e v e n u e o p e r a t o r t o w o r r y a b o u t b e i n g p l a c e d i n a ' h i g h risk' l i q u o r licence c a t e g o r y . T h e s o l u t i o n f o r this p r o b l e m is a v e l v e t r o p e . Put a v e l v e t r o p e a n y w h e r e , a n d t h e b o g a n will line u p b e h i n d it. I t will q u e u e f o r l o n g e r p e r i o d s , a n d w i t h less c o m p l a i n t , t h a n i t will b e h i n d a r o p e o f any o t h e r f a b r i c , alloy o r f i b r e . T h e p r e s e n c e of velvet is almost soothing to the b o g a n , and brings forth some o f its b e s t b e h a v i o u r . B u t t h e r e are o t h e r m o t i v a t o r s b e h i n d this i m p r o v e d e t i q u e t t e , for t h e b o g a n is a c o m p l e x beast. Because t h e r o p e i s v e l v e t , t h e b o g a n will assume t h a t w h a t e v e r it is e x c l u d i n g p e o p l e f r o m is VIP, a n d likely to c o n t a i n a D J . Or celebrities. T h e r e c o u l d e v e n be m a x t r e m e d a n g e r . Either way, a velvet rope makes t h e b o g a n strangely docile w h e n it eventually gets to t h e f r o n t of t h e q u e u e and is i n f o r m e d t h a t it will cost $ 5 0 t o p r o c e e d f u r t h e r . I t will o b e d i e n t l y h a n d a p i n e a p p l e t o t h e cosmetics-smeared d o o r wench operating the till. O n c e inside, t h e b o g a n will e a g e r l y scan t h e r o o m , searching f o r more velvet ropes. There is one by t h e cloak r o o m , so t h e b o g a n j o i n s this q u e u e . F i f t e e n m i n u t e s later, j a c k e t o f f l o a d e d f o r $ 5 , t h e

b o g a n i s ready t o q u e u e f o r a $ 9 b o t t l e o f locally p r o d u c e d f o r e i g n l a b e l beer, o r a $ 1 0 Breezer. I t w i l l s p e n d t h e r e m a i n d e r o f t h e night switching b e t w e e n the bar q u e u e and t h e velvet rope in front o f t h e D J b o o t h , w h e r e i t a t t e m p t s t o g r i n d hips w i t h i n e b r i a t e d b o g a n s o f t h e o p p o s i t e sex each t i m e t h e s m o k e m a c h i n e creates e n o u g h haze t o l e n d t h e air o f initial m y s t i q u e . The bogan emerges from the club at 4 am, $200 poorer, and visibly i r r i t a t e d d u e t o t h e q u e u e a t t h e c a b rank b e i n g f r a m e d o n l y by a sticky steel rail.

Reality TV
The bogan has always been misunderstood. Sick of being told by
scathing blogs that it is not inspired, talented and of immense v a l u e t o t h e n a t i o n , i t s i m m e r s o n its l o u n g e s u i t e , p l o t t i n g its r e v e n g e . It sees no real d i f f e r e n c e b e t w e e n its clueless, i n d o l e n t self a n d t h e p e o p l e t h a t i t sees o n t h e r e d c a r p e t . T h e b o g a n i s o f t h e o p i n i o n t h a t years o f h a r d w o r k , skill a n d sacrifice a r e n ' t really t h e key t h i n g s b e h i n d success . . . all t h a t i s really r e q u i r e d i s f o r t h e b o g a n t o l o u d l y a n n o u n c e a desire t o b e a c e l e b r i t y . For years, this d i d n ' t w o r k . T h e b o g a n ' s closest a p p r o x i m a t i o n to f a m e was t h e t i m e it was at t h e same p e t r o l station as Red S y m o n s , a n d its t e l e v i s i o n s c r e e n r e m a i n e d f i l l e d w i t h p e o p l e w h o s e t a l e n t a n d w o r k e t h i c w a s far i n excess o f its o w n . This c h a n g e d f o r g o o d in 1 9 9 2 , w h e n Sylvania Waters hit A u s t r a l i a n TV screens. The unscripted show f o l l o w e d a family of newly c a s h e d - u p b o g a n s w h o s p e n t a n d b i c k e r e d t h e i r w a y t h r o u g h six m o n t h s o f e x i s t e n c e . T h e b o g a n v i e w e r s w e r e t r a n s f i x e d : ' I love s p e n d i n g a n d a r g u i n g ! ' said t h e u n i n t e r e s t i n g b o g a n . ' I s h o u l d b e on telly t o o ! '

The f l o o d g a t e s w e r e o p e n . TV executives realised that not only d i d t h e b o g a n w a n t to watch other bogans d o i n g nothing in particular, t h e y w o u l d also c l i m b o v e r each o t h e r t o b e o n t h e s e s h o w s f r e e o f c h a r g e . A televisual n o s e d i v e o f l o w c o s t , l o w value p r o g r a m m i n g e n s u e d , w i t h a d v e r t i s e r s realising t h a t reality T V h a d h e r d e d t h e m o s t easily b r a i n w a s h e d s e g m e n t o f A u s t r a l i a i n t o a paddock 30 minutes wide. By t h e turn of t h e century, t h e pinnacle of m e d i o c r e reality television had a p p e a r e d . After passionately pitching their b o g a n quirks at the show's producers, a d o z e n or so b o g a n s were locked i n a c a m e r a - r i d d l e d h o u s e a t D r e a m w o r l d a n d s u b j e c t e d t o various p o i n t l e s s a n d t e m p o r a r y scenarios f o r t h e vicarious a m u s e m e n t o f the bogans back h o m e . It constituted irrefutable evidence to the b o g a n t h a t i t was w o r t h y o f c e l e b r i t y status, w h i c h c o m p e l l e d i t to behave accordingly, w h e t h e r it had been on television or not. B i g B r o t h e r a l u m n i t h e n g o o n t o b i g g e r a n d b e t t e r t h i n g s , like Hotdogs' Up-Late Game Show.

S o m e analysts t h o u g h t reality T V w o u l d b e a b r i e f f a d , b u t t h e y failed to understand the bogan's bottomless need for validation a n d g l i t z . A s a r e s u l t , b o g a n s n o w w a t c h c o m p e t i t i o n s like: f a t bogans dieting, tone deaf bogans wailing, hungry bogans cooking, clumsy b o g a n s d a n c i n g , a n d b o g a n scrags b e i n g t r a n s f o r m e d i n t o b o g a n scrags i n e v e n i n g dresses. A n d b e c a u s e it's b o g a n versus b o g a n , t h e b o g a n always w i n s .

Pink
Alecia Moore first entered the Australian consciousness a decade
a g o , w i t h a n R & B - b y - n u m b e r s s i n g l e c a l l e d ' T h e r e You G o ' , i n w h o s e v i d e o she r o d e a r o u n d o n a m o t o r b i k e a n d g a v e b a d girl

attitude to an X-boyfriend. The b o g a n liked this, and p r o p e l l e d it t o # 2 o n t h e A u s t r a l i a n singles charts. I t was j u s t t h e b e g i n n i n g . Since t h e n , Pink has h a d an a d d i t i o n a l twelve s o l o singles c h a r t i n t h e A u s t r a l i a n t o p s e v e n , b u t o n l y t h r e e i n her n a t i v e USA. S o w h a t ' s she b e e n d o i n g t h a t g e t s t h e a n t i p o d e a n b o g a n s o d a m n enthused? Shitloads. Pink m e t her h u s b a n d (a m o t o c r o s s racer) at t h e 2 0 0 1 X G a m e s , a n d has since a c q u i r e d t h e a b i l i t y t o r i d e m o t o r b i k e s . She u s e d this skill t o w o o p r i m e b o g a n l o v e - o b j e c t Rove M c M a n u s , a l l o w i n g a n a t i o n a l T V a u d i e n c e t o w i t n e s s her t e a c h i n g Rove h o w t o b e x t r e m e . Rove r e c i p r o c a t e d b y f a w n i n g shamelessly a n d e x h o r t i n g his a u d i e n c e t o s u p p l y Pink w i t h t h e i r b o g a n b u c k s . Pink speaks t h e b o g a n s ' l a n g u a g e . She r e b e l l e d a g a i n s t c o n v e n t i o n a l literacy a n d social n o r m s b y t i t l i n g her s e c o n d a l b u m Mlssundaztood, a n d r e g u l a r l y spells h e r s t a g e n a m e ' P i n k ' . T h e b o g a n a p p r e c i a t e s t h e g e s t u r e , a s i t c o n s i d e r s itself m l s s u n d a z t o o d also, L M A O . Primarily, Pink's m a r k e t i n g s t r a t e g i s t s t a r g e t t e e n a g e f e m a l e bogans, with a defiant message of how unique and uncontrollable she is. T h e t e e n a g e f e m a l e b o g a n e m p a t h i s e s w i t h this m e s s a g e , and is controlled by the marketers into buying yet another concert t i c k e t , a n d b u y i n g y e t a n o t h e r a l b u m t o b e u n i q u e , j u s t like t h e o t h e r i n d i v i d u a l s i n Pink's t a r g e t d e m o g r a p h i c w h o h a v e s e n t t h e t h i n g 1 0 x p l a t i n u m . Pink (LOL) u n d e r t a k e s s t a d i u m t o u r s o f A u s t r a l i a e v e r y seven m i n u t e s , a l l o w i n g t h e fans t o always have s o m e t h i n g n e w t o p u r c h a s e . Until t h e s h o w e n d e d this w a s always a c c o m p a n i e d b y a n o t h e r s p r u i k i n g visit t o her f a v o u r i t e little b u d d y o n C h a n n e l 10. T h e n , a s t h e a d u l t f e m m e - b o g a n w a n t s n o t h i n g more than to be a teenage f e m m e - b o g a n again, they embrace Plink w i t h a similarly slavish e n t h u s i a s m , w a x i n g lyrical o v e r h o w

' c o o l ' a n d ' e m p o w e r i n g ' she is, e f f e c t i v e l y d e m o n s t r a t i n g h o w tenuous their grasp of those words was. I n t h e s a m e w a y t h a t t h e b o g a n t r u s t s Pink w i t h its m o n e y , i t also t r u s t s her as a s o u r c e of b o t h d o m e s t i c a n d f o r e i g n p o l i t i c a l k n o w l e d g e . T h e b o g a n ' s k n o w l e d g e o f i n t e r n a t i o n a l relations was a u g m e n t e d b y her t r a c k ' D e a r M r President', w h i c h c o m m a n d e e r e d p o p u l i s t anti-Bush s e n t i m e n t s . She also (on b e h a l f of animal w e l f a r e a d v o c a t e s PETA) l e c t u r e d t h e A u s t r a l i a n w o o l i n d u s t r y o n t h e p r a c t i c e o f m u l e s i n g . She l a t e r a d m i t t e d t h a t h e r p o s i t i o n w a s 'bullshit', s a y i n g , 'I p r o b a b l y c o u l d have d o n e a l o t m o r e [research]'. T h e b o g a n f o r g a v e her p u b l i c m i s i n f o r m a t i o n c a m p a i g n , b e c a u s e she was 'so real'. Five a l b u m s i n , she t o u r e d A u s t r a l i a a g a i n i n 2 0 0 9 , s e l l i n g o v e r 6 5 0 , 0 0 0 t i c k e t s , m a i n l y t o b o g a n s . Her a b i l i t y t o f l e e c e t h e b o g a n had b e c o m e unsurpassed - t o p p i n g J o h n Farnham's W h i s p e r i n g Jack t o u r f o r t h e m o s t A u s t r a l i a n s h o w s in a tour, i n c l u d i n g a r e c o r d 1 7 s h o w s a t M e l b o u r n e ' s R o d Laver A r e n a . W h a t c o u l d p o s s i b l y b e left f o r g r e e d y Alecia's b o g a n cash v a c u u m ? H e r m a n a g e m e n t p o n d e r e d this a n d e v e n t u a l l y f o u n d t h e answer. She has r e c e n t l y s i g n e d a t h r e e - y e a r c o n t r a c t t o b e t h e f a c e o f V 8 S u p e r c a r s (the t r a n s - g e n e r a t i o n a l b o g a n i n s t i t u t i o n ) , i n c l u d i n g a special e f f e c t s l a d e n T V c o m m e r c i a l . A c o m m e r c i a l t h a t f e a t u r e s her b a r i n g her midriff, c h o m p i n g d o w n o n a n e n t i r e l y n o n - p h a l l i c s a u s a g e , f a l l i n g i n t o t h e a r m s o f a b i g , s t r o n g V 8 - m a n , r e a d j u s t i n g her breasts a n d verbally abusing a m i d g e t . The very e m b o d i m e n t of female b o g a n e m p o w e r m e n t . That's right, n o t c o n t e n t to surpass Farnsey in t i c k e t sales, she's d e c i d e d t o g o a f t e r his r u s t e d - o n b a b y b o o m e r audience, and cannibalise him completely. He'll be tickled pink.

Red carpet specials

This could so easily have been about the bogan love of awards
c e r e m o n i e s . A w a r d s c e r e m o n i e s are, b y a n d l a r g e - i n t h e b o g a n mind - celebrations of famous people being xtremely g o o d at being famous. Hour after hour of recognisable p e o p l e reading off a t e l e p r o m p t e r a b o u t h o w g o o d t h e s e f a m o u s p e o p l e are a t the primacy of b o g a n pursuits - sport (watching), television, film a n d b a d music - s e e m s t o b e a u d i o v i s u a l crack f o r m o s t b o g a n s . A t least, j u d g i n g b y t h e a u d i e n c e t h a t t u n e s i n t o t h e L o g i e s e a c h y e a r it is. B u t i t w o u l d b e w r o n g t o s u g g e s t t h a t t h e b o g a n s i m p l y loves a w a r d s c e r e m o n i e s . T V n e t w o r k s have f i g u r e d o u t t h a t , like T 2 0 cricket, Slamball, Underbelly, megachurches and Ministry of

S o u n d , t a k i n g t h i n g s b o g a n s like, r e m o v i n g t h e b o r i n g bits and" r e p a c k a g i n g t h e m as s e p a r a t e p r o d u c t s o f t e n results in an orgiastic b o g a n s p e n d i n g o r v i e w i n g s p r e e o f e p i c p r o p o r t i o n s . So, w i t h a w a r d s c e r e m o n i e s , all r e f e r e n c e t o t h e p u r s u i t b e i n g a w a r d e d i s r e m o v e d , a n d t w o h o u r s are d e d i c a t e d t o w a t c h i n g p e o p l e arrive at a party. Thus, t h e b o g a n f e m a l e can i n d u l g e in her p e r c e i v e d love of couture, c o m m e n t i n g snidely on other b o g a n females w h o m a n a g e d to finagle themselves a s p o t in f r o n t of a television c a m e r a . T h a t t h e s e b r i e f l y f a m o u s b o g a n s are w e a r i n g c l o t h e s t h a t are likely t o w i n d u p o n t h e racks o f b o g a n s t o r e s i n v a r i o u s iterations in the c o m i n g months is of no concern to t h e b o g a n of course, w h o is apparently incapable of thinking b e y o n d the t w o h o u r r e d c a r p e t s p e c i a l . M e a n w h i l e , t h e m a l e b o g a n has a n i d e a l o p p o r t u n i t y t o s c o p e s o m e massive cans. A n o t h e r c o m m o n t h e m e t o t h e r e d c a r p e t special i s t h e presence

of an individual for w h o m there is no rational explanation. That t h e y exist at all is b a f f l i n g in t h e x t r e m e . T h a t t h e y are a p p a r e n t l y b e l o v e d o f b o g a n s i s c o n f u s i n g t o t h e p o i n t o f a n e u r i s m . T h e y have b e e n o n t e l e v i s i o n s e e m i n g l y forever, a n d o f t e n have n o t a l t e r e d i n a p p e a r a n c e i n t h a t t i m e . T h e i r hair h o v e r s n e b u l o u s l y i n t h a t u n i q u e T V - l a n d p u r g a t o r y b e t w e e n w i g , a c t u a l hair a n d s t r a n g e l a c q u e r e d h e l m e t . A n d t h e g r a n d d a d d y o f all o f t h e s e i s Richard W i l k i n s . W h e t h e r or n o t he is real is up f o r f u r i o u s d e b a t e . He m a y b e a b o g a n c o n s t r u c t . B u t , a l o n g w i t h t h e likes o f Daryl S o m e r s , Sonia Kruger, Karl S t e f a n o v i c , D a v i d ' K o c h i e ' K o c h a n d K e r r i - A n n e Kennerley, he is a p r e d o m i n a n t l y s y n t h e t i c , v a c a n t shell i n t o w h i c h t h e b o g a n can p o u r t h e i r p e r s o n a l i t y a s s u m p t i o n s : a n i c e , w h i t e , inoffensive h e a d a t t a c h e d t o a m i c r o p h o n e . At t h e end of t h e ceremony, the b o g a n goes to sleep. Upon w a k i n g , i t scans t h e p a p e r o r n e w s w e b s i t e f o r p h o t o s o f t h e ordeal . . .

Max Markson
Despite his x-enabled name and vast bogan-derived riches. Max
M a r k s o n remains a m y s t e r i o u s f i g u r e t o b o g a n s . Primarily f a m o u s for b e i n g near o t h e r f a m o u s p e o p l e , Markson differs from

t h e rather pointless Richard Wilkins because the f o r m e r is an evil g e n i u s . W i l k i n s , o n t h e o t h e r h a n d , i s a l l e g e d t o b e s o m e f o r m of polymer that derives sustenance f r o m nutrients f o u n d in red c o l o u r e d carpet, and t h e shiny leather c l a d d i n g M a x Markson's feet. M a r k s o n is a 'talent a g e n t ' and publicist w h o is n o t a b l e for e x p l o i t i n g o t h e r p e o p l e ' s m e d i o c r e f a m e , and he specialises in t r y i n g t o g r i n d o u t 1 5 a n d a half m i n u t e s o f f a m e f o r b o g a n s such

as Tania Z a e t t a (military sex scandal), Pauline H a n s o n (political sex scandal), a n d Susie M a r o n e y (criminal sex scandal). A t t h e t i m e o f w r i t i n g , t h e h e a d l i n e o n his w e b s i t e ( w w w . m a r k s o n s p a r k s . c o m . a u ) i s 'Lara B i n g l e signs w i t h M a r k s o n Sparks!', w h i l e t h e s e c o n d n e w s i t e m i s ' E d H a r d y j o i n s M a r k s o n Sparks!'. W i t h i n a w e e k o f B i n g l e s i g n i n g w i t h his a g e n c y , t h e r e h a p p e n e d t o b e a f r o n t p a g e s p o r t s sex scandal i n v o l v i n g B i n g l e . His h y p n o t i c c o n t r o l o v e r t h e b o g a n ' s media needs is just that strong. B u t t h e r e ' s STILL m o r e . T i m S h a w f r o m D e m t e l is a M a r k s o n c l i e n t , as is C a t r i o n a R o w n t r e e , ( a n d n o w h e r e ' s . . .) M o i r a , a D a d d o , a n d t h e e n t i r e cast of t h e 2 0 0 8 series of The Biggest Loser. M a r k s o n d e f i e s e v e r y m e d i c a l a n d financial p r i n c i p l e t o k e e p t h e s e c a r e e r s alive. I t i s n o t k n o w n w h e t h e r h e uses b l a c k m a g i c , a n e l a b o r a t e s y s t e m o f r o p e s a n d p u l l e y s , o r i n c o m p r e h e n s i b l y large bribes f u n d e d by corruption in war-torn Third W o r l d nations. M a r k s o n is on t h e r e c o r d as s a y i n g 'I can m a k e a n y o n e a star', which is immensely reassuring to b o g a n s , w h o w a n t very badly t o b e stars. T h e b o g a n s e e m s t o have d e c i d e d t h a t its c h a n c e s of b e c o m i n g a M a r k s o n - c o n j u r e d celebrity are i m m e a s u r a b l y increased by rabidly consuming whatever antimatter bilge t h a t M a r k s o n Sparks is p u m p i n g i n t o m a g a z i n e s at t h e t i m e . It is a l m o s t c e r t a i n t h a t a sex scandal i n v o l v i n g b o t h Lara B i n g l e a n d C h r i s t i a n A u d i g i e r will o c c u r i n t h e n e x t t h r e e m i n u t e s .

Forgiving celebrities
Readers of this book would be excused for thinking that the bogan
lacks a c e n t r a l n e r v o u s s y s t e m a n d is u t t e r l y i n c a p a b l e of r e m o r s e or forgiveness. While that assumption is fundamentally correct, t h e r e have b e e n a f e w s i g h t i n g s o f b o g a n c o m p a s s i o n . O n e o f

t h e most intriguing a m o n g these is the bogan's ability to forgive misbehaving celebrities. T h e b o g a n w a n t s d e s p e r a t e l y t o b e a c e l e b r i t y , b u t has n o p a r t i c u l a r skill set. T h e u n f o r t u n a t e t r u t h i n this i s t h a t 9 9 . 9 % o f t h e m are n o t c e l e b r i t i e s , a n d d u e t o t h e i r lack o f any p a r t i c u l a r t a l e n t s , n o r are t h e y ' c e l e b r i t i e s w a i t i n g t o b e d i s c o v e r e d ' . I n t h e m e a n t i m e , m a n y a m o n g this 9 9 . 9 % will d e d i c a t e s i g n i f i c a n t amounts of time and money to celebrities, either by buying magazines which gossip about celebrities, watching shows which gossip a b o u t celebrities, or gossiping a b o u t celebrities with other bogans. T h e b o g a n has c o n v i n c e d itself t h a t t h e w o r t h o f a c e l e b r i t y is entirely d e p e n d e n t on w h a t they, t h e b o g a n , think of t h e m at any g i v e n t i m e . A s s u c h , t h e b o g a n has d e v e l o p e d d e t a i l e d (if nonsensical) insights a n d m o n o l o g u e s o n d o z e n s o f c e l e b r i t i e s t h a t it can r a t t l e o f f at a m o m e n t ' s n o t i c e . F r o m t i m e to t i m e , a c e l e b r i t y does s o m e t h i n g t h a t will m e e t with the fearsome w r a t h of the b o g a n . T h e o f f e n c e s can i n c l u d e c h e a t i n g on a s p o u s e , c a l l i n g a linesman a 'spastic', lying d o w n on a r o w i n g b o a t , e n t e r i n g p o l i t i c s , subjecting children to p o l y g r a p h tests, or w e a r i n g a bogan-reviled g a r m e n t to a red carpet event. For a p e r i o d of w e e k s - or, i n d e e d , m o n t h s - this c e l e b r i t y will have g u s h i n g t o r r e n t s o f b o g a n h a t e p o u r i n g d o w n u p o n it. I t will c o m e i n t h e f o r m o f s p i t t l e - s o a k e d t a l k b a c k r a d i o rants, f a c t - o r e x i c magazine exposes, and f o o d c o u r t conversations with the capacity t o s t r i p b y s t a n d e r s o f t h e i r w i l l t o live. F o r t u n a t e l y f o r t h e m a l i g n e d c e l e b r i t y i n q u e s t i o n , t h e r e are t h r e e ways o u t . Firstly, t h e b o g a n ' s L i l l i p u t i a n a t t e n t i o n s p a n m e a n s t h a t t h e g r a v e c e l e b c r i m e i s likely t o b e f o r g o t t e n b y t h e t i m e its n e x t

movie or album comes out. Second, the celebrity may publicly a p o l o g i s e t o t h e b o g a n . T o all t h e b o g a n s . B e c a u s e t h a t ' s w h o the celebrity truly w r o n g e d , here. N o t the cuckolded wife, nor t h e estranged political m o v e m e n t , b u t t h e bogans. Finally, i n t h e w a k e o f this a p o l o g y , t h e b o g a n can p r o v e t o itself t h a t it is a w o n d e r f u l h u m a n b e i n g . By m e n t a l l y e x t e n d i n g t h e olive branch to Tiger W o o d s w h e n he walks up to a t e e , t h e b o g a n will f e e l w a r m a n d c o m p a s s i o n a t e . I n this m o m e n t , t h e b o g a n i s basically T i g e r ' s b e s t m a t e , d e e p l y c o n n e c t e d t o his s o u l . A s T i g e r c o l l e c t s t h e t r o p h y a t t o u r n a m e n t ' s e n d , t h e b o g a n can r e f l e c t o n t h e roller c o a s t e r r e l a t i o n s h i p t h e y h a d w i t h Tiger, a n d d e c i d e t h a t it's okay. T h a t Tiger, d e s p i t e his f o i b l e s , d e s p i t e t h e p a i n h e c a u s e d t h e b o g a n , is okay.

The Logies
The bogan is furious. Underbelly has been nominated for the 'Most
O u t s t a n d i n g Drama Series' Logie A w a r d . This is w r o n g , as t h e b o g a n knows that the correct category for the show is the ' M o s t O u t s t a n d i n g Factual P r o g r a m ' L o g i e . But, b e i n g t h e c o m p a s s i o n a t e b i v a l v e t h a t i t is, t h e b o g a n i s w i l l i n g t o o v e r l o o k this g r a v e e r r o r a n d w a t c h t h e a w a r d s c e r e m o n y anyway. Part o f t h e reason w h y i t still w a t c h e s i s b e c a u s e o f its l o v e o f t h e v o t i n g p r o c e s s . T h e G o l d B o g i e i s d e t e r m i n e d b y p o p u l a r v o t e via s o u l - s a p p i n g t r a s h m e d i a a p p e n d a g e T V Week. I t i s u n d e r s t o o d t h a t 9 8 % o f t h e v o t e s a r e cast b y 1 3 - y e a r - o l d g i r l s , n e t w o r k p u b l i c i s t s a n d b o g a n s . A s a result, it is A u s t r a l i a n t e l e v i s i o n ' s m o s t r e v e r e d p r i z e . Local t e l e v i s i o n c o n t e n t laws n o t w i t h s t a n d i n g , t h e L o g i e A w a r d s are a m p l e p r o o f t h a t t h e b o g a n i s a c r e a t u r e t h a t cherishes mediocrity and habit. Intimidated by the prospect of a variety of

stars g r a c i n g its p l a s m a s c r e e n , t h e b o g a n will c l i n g n e e d i l y t o t h e s a m e star f o r years a t a t i m e . Ray M a r t i n w o n f o u r successive G o l d B o g i e s i n t h e m i d - n i n e t i e s f o r his b o g a n - f r i e n d l y c o n s u m e r o u t r a g e j o u r n a l i s m , b e f o r e Lisa M c C u n e g o t t h e n e x t f o u r f o r k e e p i n g M t T h o m a s f r e e o f e t h n i c m i n o r i t i e s . G e o r g i e Parker p i n c h e d t h e t w o a f t e r t h a t , t h e n Rove g o t t h e n e x t t h r e e f o r p a n d e r i n g t o f o r e i g n e n t e r t a i n e r s i n t o w n o n p r o m o t i o n a l t o u r s . Since t h e n , e v e r y G o l d L o g i e has g o n e t o a n a c t o r w h o h a d c o n s t a n t l y b e e n o n A u s t r a l i a n television for decades. T h e annual awards c e r e m o n y aspires t o b e similar t o a n A m e r i c a n a w a r d s n i g h t , e x c e p t shitter. I n this p u r s u i t o f m e d i a - o c r i t y , t h e b o g a n s u m m o n e d B e r t N e w t o n t o h o s t t h e 2 0 1 0 a w a r d s . This was p r i m a r i l y d u e t o his p r o v e n a b i l i t y t o c o u n t b a c k w a r d s f r o m 2 0 , his p r o v e n i n a b i l i t y t o a t t a c h f o x h i d e t o his c r a n i u m , a n d his rare c a p a c i t y t o i n c o r p o r a t e sexual i n n u e n d o t h a t i s b o t h a c c e p t a b l e and thrilling to g r a n d m o t h e r s . Twenty t e n is t h e first t i m e Bert has f l o w n s o l o i n t h e g i g since 1 9 9 3 , d e m o n s t r a t i n g t h a t n e t w o r k executives were p l u m b i n g new unimaginative depths to create an insipid bogan-pacifying l u m p of p a b u l u m four hours long. T h e b o g a n will w a t c h t h e p r o g r a m , i n t e n t o n l e a r n i n g w h i c h o f its f a v o u r i t e s h o w s a n d ' p e r s o n a l i t i e s ' will w i n its c h e r i s h e d ' M o s t P o p u l a r ' a w a r d s . I t will s m i l e i n t h e satisfied m a n n e r o f s o m e o n e w h o d i d n o t s u b m i t a v o t e , s o can a p p r o v e o f any s e l e c t i o n w h e n A n o n y m o u s B l o n d e t a k e s o u t M o s t P o p u l a r N e w Talent f o r t h e t w e l f t h year r u n n i n g . The b o g a n will be well p r e p a r e d for t h e m a i n e v e n t , h a v i n g sat t h r o u g h a s o l i d h o u r o f j a w - d r o p p i n g l y stupefying 'repartee' b e t w e e n celebrities with unmoving eyebrows a n d Richard W i l k i n s , w h o s e e n t i r e b e i n g i s n o w 8 3 . 6 % b o t u l i n u m t o x i n . A s his r a d i o a c t i v e o r a n g e skin ( m a d e f r o m t h e s a m e p o l y m e r

a s Bert's t o u p e e ) b l e n d s w i t h t h e c r i m s o n o f t h e c a r p e t , b o g a n s will c o m m e n t t o o n e a n o t h e r j u s t h o w w e l l h e a n d R e b e c c a G i b n e y have a g e d .

WAGs
At this point it barely requires mentioning that the bogan lusts for
c e l e b r i t y a n d its t r a p p i n g s w i t h a f e r v o u r t h a t w o u l d s h a m e t h e randiest 13-year-old b o g a n upon the discovery of RedTube. Of c o u r s e , t h e b o g a n i s m o r e t h a n h a p p y t o live vicariously t h r o u g h t h o s e w h o can a c h i e v e f a m e i n t h e i r p l a c e a n d s p o r t s p e o p l e are a m o n g t h e m o s t p r o m i n e n t o f t h e s e . T h e y are o f t e n l o c a l , a n d are willing to engage in maxtreme behaviour in public which the bogan can b e o u t r a g e d at, t h e n f o r g i v e . T h e r e is, h o w e v e r , a c e l e b r i t y that appeals even m o r e greatly to the b o g a n than the footballer o r cricketer. T h e i r g i r l f r i e n d . B y its early t w e n t i e s , e v e n t h e m o s t s e l f - d e l u d e d m a l e b o g a n has r e a c h e d t h e c o n c l u s i o n t h a t it is n o t d e s t i n e d f o r a l i f e t i m e of s p o r t i n g g l o r y a n d f a w n i n g g r o u p i e s , i n s t e a d s p e n d i n g its t i m e a t t h e local f o o t y c l u b d r i n k i n g M e x i c a n b e e r w i t h its m a t e s a n d discussing h o w a w e s o m e i t w o u l d b e f o r all seven o f t h e m t o s h a g o n e chick. T h e f e m m e - b o g u e , h o w e v e r , has a n a l t e r n a t i v e , o n e she can c l i n g t o f o r a t least a n o t h e r d e c a d e . O n e t h a t i s m o r e a p p e a l i n g , as it requires little m o r e effort than t h e willingness to e n d u r e m u l t i p l e p e n e t r a t i o n s (anal) f r o m seven s m a s h e d a t h l e t e s . She.still has a c h a n c e t o b e a W A G . T h e W A G is, t o t h e b o g a n , f a m o u s , y e t has a c h i e v e d l i t t l e , i f a n y t h i n g , b e y o n d a p p e a r i n g o n t h e c o v e r o f Z o o Magazine u n d e r t h e g u i s e o f b e i n g a n A u s t r a l i a n cricketer's missus. She has a b l o k e at her side w i l l i n g a n d a b l e to f o r k o v e r

f o r c o s m e t i c e n h a n c e m e n t s o f all sorts, a n d a c t i v e l y e n c o u r a g e s her desire t o p a i n t herself a sinister s h a d e o f o r a n g e a n d b a r e her n e w l y massive cans i n t h e m e n ' s m a g a z i n e s o r o n t h e r e d c a r p e t . M o r e o v e r , t h e W A G has o n l y t w o g e n u i n e o b l i g a t i o n s : t o a t t e n d f o o t b a l l m a t c h e s ( w a t c h i n g said m a t c h e s i s o p t i o n a l ) , a n d s t a p l i n g a n e x p e n s i v e - l o o k i n g dress c o v e r e d i n s e q u i n s t o its breasts o n c e a year at t h e sport's awards n i g h t . B e y o n d this, t h e W A G can p u r s u e any a n d all g o a l s i t c h o o s e s , f r o m h o s t i n g a t r a v e l s h o w t o interviewing other W A G s on the red carpet. This all c u l m i n a t e s i n t h e f e m m e - b o g u e d e c i d i n g t h a t b e c o m i n g a W A G is h e r c a l l i n g . H e r destiny. It is w h a t she was p u t on Earth t o d o . This results i n w e e k l y p i l g r i m a g e s t o w e e k e n d haunts k n o w n f o r c o n t a i n i n g a t h l e t e s , w h e r e t h e f e m m e - b o g u e s stalk t h e i r p r e y w i t h a s i n g l e - m i n d e d , ruthless d e t e r m i n a t i o n more c o m m o n l y ' witnessed among rutting caribou. By the end of the night, the f e m a l e b o g a n has p a s s e d o u t i n a t a n g l e o f a r m s , l e g s , s e q u i n s a n d s h a m e a n d its m a l e c o u n t e r p a r t i s i n h o s p i t a l , h a v i n g b e e n g l a s s e d i n t h e side o f t h e f a c e b y t h e h a l f b a c k f l a n k e r i t t h o u g h t w a s h i t t i n g o n its missus.

Ned Kelly
The self-congratulatory first year Arts student loves the idea of
C h e G u e v a r a . W h i l e A r t s y g e n e r a l l y k n o w s little a b o u t G u e v a r a ' s m u r d e r o u s w a y s , i t r e m a i n s t h r i l l e d t o e m b r a c e t h e stylised l o g o o f this y o u n g , a t t r a c t i v e r o g u e w h o s y m b o l i s e d t h e l i b e r a t i o n o f o t h e r lefties f r o m t h i n g s t h a t lefties d i d n ' t like. T h e b o g a n , o n t h e other hand, is generally u n m o v e d by Guevara, because he was c o m p l i c a t e d , e l o q u e n t ( a n d g e n e r a l l y n o t i n English) a n d u n A u s t r a l i a n . Still, t h e b o g a n a t t e m p t e d t o c o - o p t this f i g u r e , a s i t

saw s o m a n y e x a m p l e s o f h i m o n b r i g h t l y - c o l o u r e d t-shirts. T h e d i s t u r b i n g p r e d i l e c t i o n o f s e c o n d a n d t h i r d year A r t s s t u d e n t s t o q u e r y b o g a n s o n w h o , exactly, t h a t p e r s o n w a s , l e d t h e m t o l o o k closer t o h o m e f o r t h e i r icons. B e i n g itself a r e s o u r c e f u l s t u d e n t o f history, t h e b o g a n s e t t l e d on N e d Kelly as its c o u n t e r c u l t u r a l p i n - u p boy. B o r n i n t o a criminal f a m i l y i n Victoria d u r i n g t h e 1850s, y o u n g N e d ' s first b r u s h w i t h t h e law c a m e at a g e 14, w h e n he was a r r e s t e d f o r assaulting a C h i n e s e farmer. W h i l e t h e b o g a n g e n e r a l l y d o e s n o t k n o w a n y t h i n g a b o u t N e d Kelly o t h e r t h a n t h e f a c t t h a t i t likes h i m , t h e b o g a n w o u l d a p p r o v e o f its p r e c o c i o u s h e r o b e a t i n g u p a n e t h n i c m i n o r i t y b e f o r e h e was e v e n a b l e t o g r o w his b e a r d . T h e f o l l o w i n g year, Kelly a s s a u l t e d a b l o k e w h o a c c u s e d his m a t e o f b o r r o w i n g his horse. The b o g a n mentally substitutes 'horse' w i t h ' H S V , and approves. After a prison stint f o r other HSV-related crimes, N e d w o n a b a r e - k n u c k l e f i s t f i g h t , g o t a r r e s t e d f o r p u b l i c d r u n k e n n e s s , a n d ran a w a y f r o m t h e p i g s . A p p r o v e d . M o r e run-ins w i t h t h e c o n s t a b u l a r y f o l l o w e d , l e a d i n g t o Kelly s h o o t i n g t h r e e o f t h e m i n t h e b u s h , a n d r o b b i n g some banks. The pigs arrested and held Ned's mates, to t h e h o r r o r o f t h e b o g a n . N o t h i n g h a p p e n e d f o r a year o r s o , untij N e d t u r n e d u p i n G l e n r o w a n , k i t t e d o u t i n his f a m o u s iron suit. The bogan mentally substitutes 'iron' with 'lime green polyester', and approves. After taking hostages at t h e p u b , Ned's plan unravelled. T h e p i g s s h o t N e d i n t h e l e g s , a n d his c o - c o n s p i r a t o r s all d i e d . Kelly w a s h a n g e d i n N o v e m b e r 1 8 8 0 , a l t h o u g h a p p r o x i m a t e l y 3 0 , 0 0 0 o f t h e b o g a n ' s a n c e s t o r s s i g n e d a p e t i t i o n t o s p a r e his life. The b o g a n mentally substitutes 'signed a p e t i t i o n ' w i t h 'joined a Facebook group', and approves.

T h e b o g a n ' s lack of interest in t h e details of Kelly's life a n d d e a t h a l l o w s i t t o p r o j e c t o n t o Kelly a n y t h i n g t h a t i t w a n t s . U n i o n i s e d b o g a n s have c o n c e p t u a l l y l i n k e d h i m w i t h t h e Eureka f l a g , w h e r e a s i x - m o n t h - o l d N e d Kelly is u n d e r s t o o d to have t o t a l l y killed s o m e p i g s o n b e h a l f o f his c o m r a d e s . O t h e r b o g a n s see h i m a s a h i g h - m i n d e d Robin H o o d , d e s p i t e t h e fact t h a t Kelly a c t e d a l m o s t e x c l u s i v e l y i n t h e i n t e r e s t o f his o w n v a n i t y , p r o s p e r i t y a n d f r e e d o m . O t h e r s still see h i m a s a t r u e b l u e g a n g s t a , y o . T h e b o g a n ' s d e e p l o v e o f q u i c k a n d easy p a r t - t r u t h s , n u r t u r e d b y Today T o n i g h t , a l l o w s it to live a life f r e e of any h y p o c r i s y at all. C a t e r i n g t o its m a r k e t , Australia Post r e l e a s e d a N e d Kelly p o s t a g e s t a m p t o m a r k t h e c e n t e n a r y o f his d e a t h b a c k i n 1 9 8 0 . T h e b o g a n m e n t a l l y substitutes 'postage s t a m p ' with 'extreme t a t t o o on Ben Cousins' stomach', and approves.

Arbitrary thievery
It all begins with bar mats. Or street signs. Bogans have an enduring
l o v e o f h o m e d e c o r a t i n g a n d r e d e c o r a t i n g , a n d this l o v e m a n i f e s t s itself in s t r a n g e ways - p a r t i c u l a r l y d u r i n g b o g a n n a s c e n c e . This is w h e n cash-poor bogans resort to theft to attain t h e things they n e e d , because t h e absence of anyone willing to pay t h e m for their lack o f skills m e a n s t h a t t h e y c a n n o t have t h e m . D e p r e s s e d b y t h e financial constraints o f p a t h o l o g i c a l laziness, t h e n e w l y a d u l t b o g a n h e a d s t o t h e local p u b ' s uni n i g h t (it m a t t e r s n o t w h e t h e r t h e b o g a n a t t e n d s university), a l r e a d y w e l l p r e p a r e d b y i m b i b i n g o n W o o d i e s o r Cruisers, l o o k i n g t o fill t h e v o i d . T h e b o g a n t h e n spies t h e a f o r e m e n t i o n e d b a r m a t . E x c i t e d l y s t a t i n g t h a t 'It'll l o o k m a d o n t h e bar t h a t I'm g o i n g t o b u i l d w h e n I m o v e o u t ' , t h e s e m a t s are s u r r e p t i t i o u s l y s w i p e d f r o m u n d e r t h e a p a t h e t i c b a r t e n d e r ' s n o s e . C o n s p i r a t o r i a l l y u n v e i l i n g t h e stash i n a q u i e t c o r n e r o f t h e p u b , t h e b o g a n g a i n s t h e a p p r o v a l o f its cabal of similarly i n e b r i a t e d c o m r a d e s , and on t h e walk h o m e , they d e c i d e that their future h o m e bar w o u l d be best e q u i p p e d b y p a s t i n g t h e walls w i t h a r a n d o m v a r i e t y o f s t r e e t signs, j u s t like t h e H o g ' s B r e a t h C a f e . N o s o o n e r has t h e t h o u g h t e n t e r e d t h e i r h e a d t h a n t h e y are s w i n g i n g f u t i l e l y f r o m a l a m p p o s t , i m a g e s o f ' A n d r e w St' signs s i t t i n g a b o v e t h e i r n e w l y i n s t a l l e d k e g s a n d t a p s flashing t h r o u g h their f o g g y minds. The illicit thrill o f k l e p t o m a n i a lingers t h r o u g h a d u l t h o o d , a l t h o u g h t h e actual act of t h e f t is o f t e n replaced w i t h ' g e t t i n g a steal' in t h e f o r m of an interest-free plasma. Stealing things allows t h e b o g a n to have things it wants, w i t h o u t having to do a n y t h i n g o f s u b s t a n c e t o a c h i e v e it. S e e i n g t h e f a m e o f R e b e c c a T w i g l e y , Lara B i n g l e a n d R i c h a r d W i l k i n s , t h e b o g a n r e a c h e s a

t r e m b l i n g h a n d for t h e e x p o s e d Bacardi spillover protector. By t h e t i m e p a r e n t h o o d rolls r o u n d , m a n y b o g a n s , still t r a p p e d i n t h e s a m e e x i s t e n t i a l malaise o f i n s u f f i c i e n t b r a n d e d luxury, s t e p u p t o l e g i t i m a t e s h o p l i f t i n g . Like any j u n k i e , t h e rush g e t s h a r d e r t o f i n d , a n d p i n t glasses a n d w i t c h e s hats lose t h e i r lustre, o n l y t o be replaced by lifting a singlet f r o m Bardot or Supre. However, it always c o m e s b a c k t o b a r m a t s , o f t e n r e s u l t i n g i n t h e arrest o f a b o g a n w h i l e o n h o l i d a y i n S o u t h East Asia.

Painting
There are zero eyewitness accounts of bogans actually painting. In
f a c t , this e n t i r e f a c e t o f t h e b o g a n p e r s o n a l i t y c o u l d b e c o n s i g n e d t o t h e realm o f m y t h o l o g y , w e r e i t n o t f o r t h e f a c t t h a t t h e b o g a n continually appears at various events and functions in pants that are s p l a t t e r e d w i t h a p p a r e n t l y fresh p a i n t . J e a n s , t r a c k s u i t p a n t s , and even their favourite M e l b o u r n e C u p three-piece, it matters not. Immediately before leaving the house, it seems the b o g a n c a n n o t resist t h e u r g e t o slap a q u i c k s e c o n d c o a t o n t h e p o o l room's feature wall. So, w h i l e t h e r e i s n o r e c o r d e d e v i d e n c e o f t h i s b e h a v i o u r , i t i s n o t h a r d t o i m a g i n e . T h e b o g a n , halfway o u t t h e d o o r t o h e a d t o t h e nearest f o r m e r p u b / n o w pizza bar, d r e s s e d i n its b e s t a n d b r i g h t e s t . A s i t g o e s t o close t h e d o o r , its eyes linger b r i e f l y o n t h e tin of Dulux ' M o c h a J e l l y b e a n ' , roller and brush nestling c o m f o r t a b l y a l o n g s i d e . T h e b o g a n pauses, t o r n , a n d a b r i e f g r i m a c e of i n d e c i s i o n passes its o t h e r w i s e i n s c r u t a b l e f e a t u r e s . T h e n , in a b u r s t o f u n r e s t r a i n e d e n e r g y , t h e b o g a n runs b a c k i n t o t h e r o o m , picks u p t h e b r u s h a n d , w i t h a s o n g i n its h e a r t , gives t h e w a l l t h e e x t r a a p p l i c a t i o n i t always n e e d e d .

Of course, the bogan seems to be quite the joyous home decorator, as t h e paint splatter is in no way confined to t h e body's l o w e r half. T r a v i s t y t - s h i r t s , w h i l e b e l o v e d o f a n d h o a r d e d b y t h e b o g a n , are n o t i m m u n e , a n d o f t e n fall v i c t i m t o t h e b o g a n ' s u n i n h i b i t e d brush strokes. It is possible t h a t Ed H a r d y is so t r e a s u r e d that it is not w o r n d u r i n g these impressionist excursions, although it is also p o s s i b l e t h a t it is i m p o s s i b l e to t e l l w i t h t h e n a k e d e y e w h e t h e r E d H a r d y shirts have fallen v i c t i m t o excess s p l a s h b a c k . Such r e m a r k a b l e , a c r o s s - t h e - b o a r d c r e a t i v i t y s h o u l d , o f c o u r s e , b e n o u r i s h e d a n d e n c o u r a g e d . N e x t t i m e you see a b o g a n w a l k i n g d o w n t h e s t r e e t , h a v i n g a t t e m p t e d t o s u r r e p t i t i o u s l y e n g a g e i n this s e c r e t past t i m e , d o n o t m o c k it. M e r e l y n o d , s m i l e a n d g i v e t h a t k n o w i n g l o o k t h a t says t h a t y o u k n o w . A n d it's okay.

Three-Park Superpass!
The Islamic faith has Mecca, the Catholics have the Vatican City, and
t h e f a s h i o n w o r l d has M i l a n . B o g a n c u l t u r e , t o o , has its o w n site of p i l g r i m a g e - a f o n t of b o g a n i c purity, gushing f o r t h in plenty all t h a t i s b o g a n e s q u e ; t h a t p l a c e i s Q u e e n s l a n d ' s G o l d C o a s t . On t h e G o l d C o a s t , n o t so m u c h a city as a h o l i d a y r e s o r t - c u m s h o p p i n g m a l l - c u m - v e r t i c a l r e t i r e m e n t v i l l a g e , n o sites are m o r e sacred than t h a t j u g g e r n a u t triumvirate of b o g a n fun-in-the-sun, M o v i e W o r l d , Sea W o r l d a n d W e t ' n ' W i l d , all c o v e r e d u n d e r t h e extravagantly priced Three-Park Superpass.* A c c o r d i n g to the o p e r a t o r , t h e s e t h e m e p a r k s are ' a t h r i l l - s e e k e r s [sic] p a r a d i s e '

As much out of malice as commercial imperative, the equally dumb and crass Dreamworld has been excluded from the Superpass, allowing the bogan to wait in yet another endless queue to lodge an irrational complaint then pay more money.

l e a d i n g u s t o c o n c l u d e t h a t t h r i l l - s e e k e r ( b o g a n ) h e a v e n involves s o m e c o m b i n a t i o n o f g e t t i n g s u n b u r n t , b e i n g r i p p e d off, t h r a s h i n g your children in public, w a i t i n g in queues and having a chuck f r o m a m o v i n g v e h i c l e . Let's b r e a k this d o w n .

Warner Bros Movie World

M o v i e W o r l d t o u t s itself as ' H o l l y w o o d

o n t h e G o l d C o a s t ' , b u t i t d i f f e r s f r o m t h e real H o l l y w o o d i n t h a t no movies have actually ever b e e n and m a d e t h e r e . (Scooby Doo

House o f Wax j u s t d o n ' t c o u n t ; t h e y a r e u n f i t f o r h u m a n

c o n s u m p t i o n . ) It is a r e p r o d u c t i o n of t h e soulless artifice H o l l y w o o d i s f a m o u s f o r , sans a n y a c t u a l m o t i o n p i c t u r e p r o d u c t i o n . A t e s t a m e n t t o t h e cynical g e n i u s o f m a r k e t e r s a s m u c h a s i t i s t o t h e b o g a n ' s s l a c k - j a w e d s u s c e p t i b i l i t y t o t h e i r ruses, M o v i e W o r l d ' s success lies i n c o m b i n i n g e v e r y t h i n g a b o u t mass c u l t u r e w h i c h p r o v i d e s such e n d u r i n g c o m f o r t t o t h e b o g a n , s t r i p p i n g i t o f any remaining content, and turning it into an xtreme, bowel-loosening thrill r i d e e x p e r i e n c e . T h e b o g a n loves M o v i e W o r l d b e c a u s e t h e rides v a g u e l y r e m i n d it of a f i l m it o n c e saw c r o s s - m a r k e t e d on a H a p p y M e a l , b u t a t t h a t p o i n t t h e b o g a n s t o p s t h i n k i n g a b o u t it, b e c a u s e e v e r y t h i n g ' s g o i n g really, really fast.

Sea World

Sea W o r l d , m u c h like t h a t o t h e r Q u e e n s l a n d n a t u r e

a b o m i n a t i o n , Australia Z o o , seems on t h e surface to be highly e d u c a t i o n a l , b u t d o n o t b e f o o l e d . You w i l l n o t l e a r n a n y t h i n g a b o u t m a r i n e life o n Bert a n d Ernie's Island Holiday, o r t h e a m a z i n g J e t Rescue R i d e , w h e r e s o m e h o w y o u can save a sea lion b y r i d i n g a j e t s k i , r a t h e r t h a n d e s t r o y i n g its h a b i t a t a n d d i s f i g u r i n g its p r o g e n y , w h i c h i s w h a t y o u ' d e x p e c t t o h a p p e n . Sea W o r l d i s t r u l y a magical place where our natural environment meets high-octane fun, and is summarily g r o u n d into extinction.

Wet 'n' Wild

S e e i n g as t h e r e is n o d i s c e r n i b l e d i f f e r e n c e b e t w e e n

t h i s p l a c e a n d Sea W o r l d ( a p a r t f r o m t h e d o l p h i n s i n t h e p o o l having been replaced by yet more dickheads), there is nothing further to add.

Zoo Weekly
For decades, female bogans have happily purchased lifestyle
magazines. These p u b l i c a t i o n s gave t h e 1950s h o u s e w i f e n e w recipes, n e w t h i n g s t o k n i t a n d n e w w a y s t o g r i p t h e shaft o f a feather duster. By t h e 1970s, these magazines had started to c h a n g e , w i t h a n increase i n articles a b o u t T V s h o w s a n d m o v i e stars. B y t h e 1 9 9 0 s , t h e race t o t h e b o t t o m h a d r e a c h e d f e v e r p i t c h , w i t h illicit affairs a n d c e l e b r i t y c o v e r - u p s c o m p e t i n g f o r t h e female bogan's d w i n d l i n g attention span. In t h e m i d nineties, the p u b l i s h e r s o b s e r v e d t h a t all t h e y w e r e p r o v i d i n g t o t h e f e m a l e b o g a n was s m u t , scandal a n d sex t i p s . ' M a y I s u g g e s t t h a t m a l e b o g a n s w a n t t h e s e t h i n g s t o o , ' said o n e j u n i o r p u b l i s h i n g e x e c u t i v e , observing the convergence of bogan genders. Ralph, p a r t o f t h e K e r r y P a c k e r b o g a n h a r v e s t i n g e m p i r e , a r r i v e d o n t h e s c e n e i n 1 9 9 7 . I t f e a t u r e d scantily clad w o m e n o n the front and e n o u g h sport and smut to convince some of the more p r o g r e s s i v e m a l e b o g a n s t o s t o p b u y i n g People/Picture m a g a z i n e ( b o t h Packer e n t e r p r i s e s ) . T h e o t h e r b e n e f i t o f Ralph f o r t h e m a l e b o g a n was t h a t each e d i t i o n c o n t a i n e d a s m a t t e r i n g of h e a l t h / lifestyle articles t h a t i t w o u l d n e v e r r e a d . These articles m a d e t h e magazine technically not p o r n , and female b o g a n spouses f o u n d it more difficult to o b j e c t to t h e magazine's presence in t h e toilet a t casa d e b o g a n . This u n e a s y t r u c e c o n t i n u e d u n t i l 2 0 0 6 , w h e n t h e u l t i m a t e b o g a n m a l e p u b l i c a t i o n a p p e a r e d o n shelves. Z o o Weekly d o e s

away w i t h any health a n d w e l l b e i n g c o n t e n t , replacing it w i t h additional scantily clad w o m e n , and s o m e m o r e articles t h a t valiantly a t t e m p t to classify Lara B i n g l e p h o t o s h o o t s as A F L / c r i c k e t n e w s . T h e m a g a z i n e has a t e a m of f e m a l e sex a d v i c e c o l u m n i s t s d u b b e d T h e Threesome', which appeals to the male bogan's d e s i r e f o r m a x t r e m e g r o u p sex ( b u t w i t h n o o t h e r b l o k e s , b e c a u s e t h a t ' d be gay). It e v e n c o n t a i n s f o r m e r Big Brother c o n t e s t a n t s as c o l u m n i s t s , a l o n g w i t h classic b o g a n b e e r p i t D a v i d B o o n . N o n e o f t h e s e c o l u m n s are m o r e t h a n 2 0 0 w o r d s i n l e n g t h , d u e t o t h e bogan's preference for b r i g h t colours a n d silicone breasts over letters a n d n u m b e r s . I n 2 0 0 7 t h e Packer e m p i r e f o r k e d o u t $ 9 4 m i l l i o n t o a c q u i r e Z o o Weekly a n d t a p i n t o this p u l s a t i n g n e w v e i n o f b o g a n i t y . A l s o i n c l u d e d i n t h e d e a l was t h e a c q u i s i t i o n o f Ralph rival F H M . Z o o Weekly's publisher pitches its b o g a n a u d i e n c e t o advertisers a s ' l i v i n g f o r t h e n e x t party, t h e n e x t g a d g e t , a n d t h e n e x t g i r l ' , a s u m m a r y t h a t c o m p e l l e d t h e b o g a n ' s g i r l f r i e n d t o start a l o u d a r g u m e n t a b o u t t h e o n g o i n g p r e s e n c e o f t h e m a g a z i n e i n its h o u s e . Initially, t h e m a l e b o g a n c o n c e d e d . For t h e n e x t f e w w e e k s , t h e b o g a n m a l e p u r c h a s e d Ralph a n d t r i e d t o c o n v i n c e itself t h a t t h e v o l u m e o f t i t s i n t h e r e was a d e q u a t e . Its r e l a t i o n s h i p i m p r o v e d , w i t h t h e f e m a l e b o g a n s e e m i n g l y o d d l y g r a t e f u l t h a t Ralph was a r o u n d , t h e very p u b l i c a t i o n t h a t i t d e c r i e d o n l y a d e c a d e earlier. I n M a r c h 2 0 1 0 , she s e n t her m a n d o w n t o t h e 7-Eleven t o p u r c h a s e a D i e t C o k e t o pair w i t h her b a g o f lollies. A t t h e d r i n k s f r i d g e , t h e m a l e b o g a n s p i e d t h e p r o m o t i o n a l p l a c a r d t h a t w o u l d l e a d t o its u n d o i n g : ' 5 0 0 m l can o f M o t h e r a n d c o p y o f Zoo Weekly f o r o n l y $ 6 ! ' His r e l a t i o n s h i p was d o o m e d .

Short courses
The bogan's lizard brain has a powerful need for recognition in
all t h a t it d o e s . This is w h y it will d r i v e its C h e v r o l e t d o w n streets l i n e d w i t h luxury retail o u t l e t s , w e a r s e i z u r e - t r i g g e r i n g q u a n t i t i e s of jewellery, or sport a t-shirt with a tiger biting s o m e sort of skull/ love h e a r t t h i n g . Easier still is to m e r e l y talk a b o u t t h i n g s t h a t t h e b o g a n i n t e n d s t o d o , b u t i n reality will a l m o s t c e r t a i n l y n e v e r d o . T h e s e i n c l u d e ' g o i n g t o see t h e p y r a m i d s ' ( t h e m o m e n t i t has e n o u g h m o n e y t o g e t t o P h u k e t o n Jetstar, off i t g o e s ) , o r ' l e a r n i n g h o w t o s h r e d o n t h e a x e l ' (as s o o n a s i t realises t h a t this requires p e r s i s t e n c e a n d d e d i c a t i o n o v e r s o m e years, i t swiftly places t h e shiny Ibanez i n t h e corner, a n d scuttles b a c k t o G u i t a r H e r o ) . W h i l e t h e b o g a n will rarely e n d u p d o i n g t h e s e t h i n g s , i t derives great satisfaction f r o m t h e statements of surprise or a d m i r a t i o n it receives w h e n loudly a n n o u n c i n g these h o l l o w intentions to t h e w o r l d . I t i s i n t h e i n t e r e s t s o f o t h e r b o g a n s t o e x p r e s s this enthusiastic surprise, because t h e other bogans will e x p e c t to receive t h e s a m e r e a c t i o n w h e n t h e y a n n o u n c e t h e i r n e w plans t o m a s t e r t h e s t o c k m a r k e t , lose 2 0 kilos, o r finally m o v e t h e f a m i l y to Queensland. Eventually, t h o u g h , t h e p a t t e r n o f l o u d claims a n d n o a c t i o n b e c o m e s a p p a r e n t , e v e n t o o n e w i t h t h e n e g l i g i b l e self-awareness o f t h e b o g a n . T h e s e c o n d q u i c k e s t a n d s e c o n d easiest w a y f o r t h e b o g a n t o m e d i c a t e t h i s f l e e t i n g p e r s p e c t i v e o n itself i s t o e n r o l i n a s h o r t c o u r s e . C o n d u c t e d t h r o u g h TAFE c o l l e g e s , c o m m u n i t y c e n t r e s , or o t h e r o r g a n i s a t i o n s , t h e s e courses i n v o l v e a c o u p l e of hundred dollars of t h e bogan's m o n e y and a c o m m i t m e n t of one night a w e e k for a m o n t h or t w o . While even this proves to be t o o m u c h o f a n ask f o r s o m e b o g a n s , m a n y m a n a g e t o m a k e i t

t h r o u g h . O f t e n , t h e b o g a n w i l l d r a w o n skills i t d e v e l o p e d d u r i n g high school - coercing more diligent students into granting the b o g a n t h e t e m p o r a r y b e n e f i t s o f p r o p e r w o r k . S h o r t courses a l l o w the b o g a n to simultaneously claim the title of ' e d u c a t e d ' while remaining staunchly anti-intellectual. T w o m o n t h s later, t h e a c h i e v e m e n t - o r i e n t e d b o g a n e m e r g e s like a s h i m m e r i n g b u t t e r f l y f r o m its s h a b b y chrysalis, r e p l e t e w i t h t h e k n o w l e d g e o f h o w t o c r e a t e w o n k y c e r a m i c b o w l s w h i c h i t will s o l e m n l y g i f t t o e v e r y o n e o f its relatives t h a t C h r i s t m a s . W h i l e t h e b o g a n will certainly never make another ceramic b o w l after t h e c o n c l u s i o n o f t h e c o u r s e , its sense o f s m u g n e s s i n e x p l i c a b l y c o n t i n u e s f o r years. I f a t any p o i n t t h e s m u g n e s s b e g i n s t o a b a t e , t h e b o g a n will r e s t o r e i t b y r e s o r t i n g t o t h e q u i c k e s t a n d easiest m e t h o d - purchasing another self-help b o o k and a d d i n g it to their entirely unread collection on t h e bookshelf.

Fender Stratocasters
Despite having a lifelong, unfulfilled ambition to have sick chops
o n t h e guitar, t h e b o g a n i s g e n e r a l l y a n o v i c e w h e n i t c o m e s t o musical i n s t r u m e n t s . O f t e n , a b o g a n will c o n s i d e r p u r c h a s i n g a n e w e l e c t r i c guitar, b u t g u i t a r s c o s t a t least $ 2 5 0 , a n d t h e fully sick o n e s can cost as m u c h as a g i n o r m o u s plasma s c r e e n . Besides, g e n e r a l l y t h e bogan's a t t e m p t s at this sort of t h i n g have b e e n strangely u n r e w a r d i n g . It's a relief, p e r h a p s , t h a t it i n s t e a d picks up a $ 1 0 0 G u i t a r H e r o g u i t a r t o play Epic Leads o n its $ 3 5 0 X b o x . T h e b o g a n likes p l a y i n g E p i c L e a d s b e c a u s e t h e b o g a n i s on an inexorable quest for maxtreme awesomeness. A n d in the age of b o g a n - f r i e n d l y s h r e d g a m i n g , t h e inability to play guitar is no o b s t a c l e to a b o g a n p r o c l a i m i n g itself a massive a x e g o d ,

and talking a b o u t m e l t i n g bulk face on t h e w e e k e n d . W i t h key influences i n c l u d i n g W a y n e , G a r t h , Bill a n d T e d , t h e b o g a n i s r e a d y t o e n t e r t h e halls o f rock g u i t a r e x c e l l e n c e . A n d n o rock g u i t a r has m o r e b o g a n c a c h e t t h a n a F e n d e r Stratocaster. T h e F e n d e r S t r a t o c a s t e r (or ' S t r a t ' as t h e b o g a n will call it, t h e n i c k n a m e p e r h a p s i m p l y i n g a b o n d b e t w e e n t h e b o g a n a n d its i n s t r u m e n t ) i s t h e w o r l d ' s b e s t k n o w n guitar. I t i s t h e o n e g u i t a r t h e b o g a n n e e d s t o k n o w , w h i c h i s lucky b e c a u s e t h e b o g a n m i s t a k e s t h e n a m e s o f all t h e o t h e r g u i t a r s f o r cars o r s t r a n g e f o r e i g n f o o d . T h e b o g a n also likes t h e F e n d e r S t r a t o c a s t e r b e c a u s e i t t h i n k s it's w h a t Slash p l a y e d , o u t i n f r o n t o f t h a t c h u r c h i n t h e d e s e r t , w a i l i n g o u t massive c h o p s in ' N o v e m b e r Rain'. (It w a s n ' t . Slash o n l y uses a Les Paul, b u t t h e b o g a n d o e s n ' t let facts g e t i n t h e w a y o f its hero worship.) T h e b o g a n l o v e s t o h o l d t h e e x a c t S t r a t t h a t i t t h i n k s Slash is famous for playing, except maxximised for shredgaming, and nail s o p h i s t i c a t e d f i n g e r i n g a n d p i c k i n g t e c h n i q u e s a f t e r a f e w g o e s . T h e n a f t e r t h e o u t r o i s d o n e , it's s t r a i g h t b a c k w i t h a n o t h e r s o a r i n g classic, w i t h t h e b o g a n c e n t r e s t a g e , p l a y i n g m o r e Epic Leads. Even w h e n t h e g a m e t h r o w s u p s o m e w e i r d p o o f y music, t h e b o g a n still likes p l a y i n g its Strat. I t can just f o c u s o n n a i l i n g t h e t i m i n g o f o b j e c t s c o m i n g d o w n a 3 D - l o o k i n g f r e t b o a r d , all t h e t i m e w a t c h i n g an animated muso in t i g h t jeans rock o u t for m a x i m u m c r o w d p o i n t s . It is fair to say t h e b o g a n d o e s n ' t realise t h e a n i m a t e d m u s o - h i p s t e r p r o b a b l y d r i n k s soy lattes a n d reads H e n r y Miller, a n d idolises its p r o t o - b o g a n f o r e f a t h e r rockers, w h o actually k n e w t h e i r w a y a r o u n d a g e n u i n e F e n d e r Stratocaster. T h a t d o e s n ' t m a t t e r , b e c a u s e w h e n i t c o m e s t o F e n d e r S t r a t o c a s t e r s , t h e b o g a n has n o c o m p l a i n t s . T h e b o g a n likes F e n d e r S t r a t o c a s t e r s .

History
We're not talking about the Michael Jackson greatest hits record from
his p r e - p a e d o p h i l i a p e r i o d , a l t h o u g h t h e r e ' s little t o dislike a b o u t t h a t , save f o r t h e t e e t h - g r i n d i n g l y b a d d u e t w i t h Paul M c C a r t n e y . N o , w e ' r e t a l k i n g a b o u t t h e o t h e r history: t h a t is, t h i n g s t h a t have already h a p p e n e d . B u t t h e b o g a n i s n o t e x c i t e d b y t h e i n t r i g u e s o f t h e Prussian c o u r t . I t will n o t e x p l o r e t h e m i n u t i a e o f C a r t h a g e a n naval tactics, n o r d e v e l o p a n a p p r e c i a t i o n f o r s u b l i m e artifacts f r o m t h e K i n g d o m o f Benin's g o l d e n a g e . T h e b o g a n ' s h i s t o r y d o e s n ' t f u c k a b o u t w i t h such niceties. T h e b o g a n ' s h i s t o r y i s a b o u t b l o o d , g u t s , massive s w o r d s a n d g l o r y t h a t lasts t h r o u g h o u t t h e a g e s . It's a b o u t S p a r t a n s w i t h i m m e n s e r i g s , a n d V i k i n g s w i t h h o r n y h e l m e t s . Pirate w e n c h e s w i t h busts s o h e a v i n g , t h e t u r b u l e n t seas g e t j e a l o u s . H i s t o r y t h a t ' s p i s s e d off, s o a k e d i n b l o o d , a n d c o m i n g at y o u like a cavalry c h a r g e , m a k i n g y o u r h e a r t p u m p like five cans o f S t e v e n Segal's L i g h t n i n g B o l t . H i s t o r y t o t h e m a x t r e m e . Following in the fine French tradition of g e t t i n g b o g a n s so e x c i t e d t h e y s i m u l t a n e o u s l y lose c o n t r o l o f t h e i r b l a d d e r s a n d t h e i r w a l l e t s , Gallic b o g a n - b a i t e r R o b e r t H o s s e i n i s o n a w i n n e r with Ben Hur - the Stadium Spectacular. Clearly b i g g e r than all

p r e v i o u s i n c a r n a t i o n s o f itself, t h i s i n c r e d i b l e s t a d i u m a d a p t a t i o n o f t h e historically w o e f u l b u t c o m p l e t e l y t h r i l l i n g H o l l y w o o d e p i c starring Charlton Heston is soon to e x p l o d e into Sydney's A N Z S t a d i u m like a 2 0 0 m e g a t o n , b o g a n - h o m i n g w a r h e a d . A c c o r d i n g t o t h e w e b s i t e , i t ' c o m b i n e s t h e scale o f t h e S y d n e y O l y m p i c G a m e s O p e n i n g C e r e m o n y w i t h t h e d r a m a o f t h e slave w h o d a r e d d e f y t h e R o m a n E m p i r e ' . This h i g h - o c t a n e g o n a d - h i s t o r y t h r i l l r i d e will f e a t u r e a R o m a n g a l l e o n a n d a 3 2 - c h a r i o t race, f u l f i l l i n g t h e history q u o t a b u t r e m a i n i n g suitably r e m i n i s c e n t o f Easternats, w i t h

a slightly higher possibility of violent rioting and t h e rim-looting hijinks. T h e w e b s i t e t a u n t s b o g a n s t h a t i t i s f o r t w o n i g h t s only, a n d may possibly arrange exclusive presale tickets to avoid missing o u t , b u t c h a n c e s are t h i s t h i n g w i l l b e b u m - r u s h e d b y s o m a n y b o g a n s t h a t t h e o r g a n i s e r s will f e a r a b o g a n r e v o l t , a n d p r o m i s e t o e x t e n d t h e r u n until i t rivals A n d r e Rieu's latest m a r a t h o n t o u r o f A u s t r a l i a n s c o u t halls. For w h e n t h e b o g a n can g e t its h i s t o r y served up with enormous explosions, megalitres of b l o o d and h u g e g u n s , w h e n i t can w a t c h c h a r i o t s w i t h s p i n n i n g b l a d e s o n t h e i r rims d o i n g massive b u r n o u t s live on stage, all w h i l e d r i n k i n g o v e r p r i c e d m i d - s t r e n g t h b e e r o u t of a plastic c u p , t h e b o g a n is a s l a v e r i n g d e m o n f o r history.

Perspective-based photos at famous landmarks

'Wait... move ya left hand over a b i t . . . thaf s i t . . . nah, wait, ya
m i s s e d it. Fuck. Try a g a i n . ' Travel t o a n y p a r t o f t h e w o r l d w i t h a n y l a n d m a r k t h a t has a p p e a r e d in a James B o n d m o v i e or a Contiki catalogue, and y o u will u n d o u b t e d l y hear w o r d s t o this e f f e c t . W i t h a s t r o n g A u s t r a l i a n dollar, c h e a p f l i g h t s , a n d i n t e r n e t a c c o m m o d a t i o n b o o k i n g s , t h e n e w l y i n t e r n a t i o n a l i s e d b o g a n has e m b r a c e d overseas t r i p s / t o u r s / drinking with a previously unseen fervour. They then decide, in their u n c o m m o n l y b e l a t e d manner, that it w o u l d be totally bitchin' if they posed alongside a famous landmark, e m p l o y i n g their unparalleled grasp of t e l e p h o t o perspective to create the i m p r e s s i o n t h e y ' r e , y o u k n o w , h o l d i n g i t u p ! W h i l e t h e b o g a n has p r e c i o u s little p e r s p e c t i v e o n life, e m p a t h y , c u l t u r e a n d m o d e s t y ,

it has an u n l i m i t e d desire f o r p e r s p e c t i v e in its p h o t o g r a p h y . H o w artistic a n d clever i t m a k e s t h e b o g a n f e e l t o have c o m e u p w i t h such a d e v a s t a t i n g l y e f f e c t i v e p h o t o . T h e several h u n d r e d o t h e r t r a v e l l i n g b o g a n s u n d e r t a k i n g t h e s a m e process w i t h i n a 5 0 m e t r e radius are clearly r i p p i n g off w h a t is an o r i g i n a l i d e a . It is inconceivable that anyone other than that one particular b o g a n c o u l d have realised h o w e x t r e m e i t w o u l d b e i f a p h o t o m a d e t h e Eiffel T o w e r l o o k really s m a l l , w i t h t h e t i p b e i n g s q u e e z e d b y t h e oily p i n c e r s o f t h e b o g a n . After the magic of the digital camera allows t h e b o g a n to make the requisite 300 attempts to place the photo's t w o subjects in h a r m o n i o u s a l i g n m e n t , i t can b e t a k e n h o m e , e n l a r g e d 100 t i m e s and placed on the wall of t h e formal living r o o m . The roaring success o f t h e p h o t o i s e n o u g h t o i n d u c e t h e b o g a n t o t e l l i t s f r i e n d s t h a t it's t h i n k i n g o f b e c o m i n g a p r o p h o t o g r a p h e r . I n d e e d , the possibility of taking more perspective-based photos (along w i t h V A u s t r a l i a n o w f l y i n g t o N o r t h A m e r i c a ) m a y lure t h e b o g a n to journey to N Y C to create a sidesplittingly u n p r e c e d e n t e d scene wherein t h e Statue of Liberty gets sodomised f r o m b e h i n d . An a l t e r n a t i v e a n d e q u a l l y a p p e a l i n g o p t i o n i s t o kiss t h e S p h i n x , a n d t h e n m a k e a j o k e a b o u t g e t t i n g o l d e r pussy. Or, or, w h a t a b o u t o n e w h e r e i t l o o k s like t h e ruins o f t h e A c r o p o l i s are g e t t i n g s t o m p e d on?! T h e b o g a n will never, ever, e v e r t i r e o f t h i s .

Bunnings Warehouse
The bogan will tell you that it knows what it wants, but Bunnings
d i s a g r e e s . This i s t h e r e a s o n w h y , w h e n t h e b o g a n m a l e h e a d s o f f a t his p a r t n e r ' s insistence t o p u r c h a s e n e w w a s h e r s f o r t h e e n

suite t a p s , i t will r e t u r n h o m e t w o hours later u n e x p e c t e d l y b e a r i n g t w e l v e o t h e r i t e m s t h a t w o u l d b e o f use i n p r o j e c t s t h a t t h e b o g a n h a d n o p r i o r plans o f u n d e r t a k i n g . T h e b o g a n will n o t use 9 0 % o f t h e s e i t e m s . Ever. B u t t h a n k s t o t h e b o g a n m a t a d o r s i n B u n n i n g s ' h e a d o f f i c e , i t will r e m a i n c o n v i n c e d t h a t i t has p u r c h a s e d w e l l . B u n n i n g s has b e e n i n t h e h a r d w a r e business f o r m a n y d e c a d e s , a n d g r a d u a l l y a c q u i r e d v a r i o u s smaller h a r d w a r e chains o v e r t h e years w i t h l i m i t e d f a n f a r e . T h e b o g a n ' s a t t e n t i o n w a s g a i n e d i n t h e m i d - n i n e t i e s , w h e n t h e first B u n n i n g s W a r e h o u s e w a s o p e n e d in t h e w e s t e r n s u b u r b s of M e l b o u r n e . This w a r e h o u s e was a traditional hardware store, but on hyper maxtreme steroids of insane p o w e r . Far l a r g e r t h a n a s u p e r m a r k e t , t h e b o g a n was l u r e d i n b y t h o u s a n d s o f p r o d u c t s i t d i d n ' t n e e d o r w a n t , a t prices i t w a s i l l - e q u i p p e d t o resist. T h e p r i c e s are largely t h a n k s t o e v e r y t h i n g being made in China, which the hyper-patriotic b o g a n is happy t o o v e r l o o k i n o r d e r t o secure a t h r e e - i n - o n e b a t h r o o m h e a t e r f o r only $ 1 3 8 . I n d e e d , t h e e m e r g e n c e o f a B u n n i n g s W a r e h o u s e w i t h i n t e n k i l o m e t r e s o f any M c M a n s i o n has b e e n a key d r i v e r o f d e m a n d for monstrous garages. The bogan's steadfast belief that bigger i s always b e t t e r m e a n s t h a t i t sees n o p r o b l e m w i t h this s i t u a t i o n . Bunnings produces multiple catalogues and television

c o m m e r c i a l s p e r m o n t h , w h i c h are j a m m e d i n t o l e t t e r b o x e s a n d plasma screens n a t i o n w i d e . D e s p i t e t h e massive e x p e n s e o f d o i n g t h i s , B u n n i n g s has d e v e l o p e d a s i m p l i f i e d f o u r - c o l o u r c a t a l o g u e style w i t h black and w h i t e sketches of t h e p r o d u c t s instead of p h o t o s . This ( d e s p i t e t h e f u l l - c o l o u r p r i n t i n g o n p a r t s o f m o s t pages) convinces t h e b o g a n that it is truly a warehouse, w i t h hardcore savings on c a t a l o g u e costs r e f l e c t e d in t h e h a r d c o r e prices. T h e T V c o m m e r c i a l s f e a t u r e nasal a n d f u n c t i o n a l l y illiterate

B u n n i n g s e m p l o y e e s , a l l o w i n g t h e b o g a n t o f e e l a sense o f h u m a n affinity w i t h a chain t h a t n e t t e d a r o u n d $250 f r o m every m a n , w o m a n and child in Australia in 2 0 0 8 - 0 9 . It is c e r t a i n t h a t this f i g u r e w o u l d fall if t h e b o g a n ever m a n a g e d t o g a i n c o n t r o l o f its i m p u l s e s , b u t f o r t u n a t e l y f o r B u n n i n g s , this i s unlikely ever t o h a p p e n . I f i t d o e s , B u n n i n g s will p u t o n a s a u s a g e sizzle, a d v e r t i s e a 2 5 c c p e t r o l h e d g e t r i m m e r i n b l a c k a n d w h i t e for only $269, a n d p u t t h e b o g a n right back to square one. In t h e meantime, the unused 18 square metres of timber decking that t h e b o g a n i m p u l s e p u r c h a s e d on its last B u n n i n g s visit rots in a p i l e in t h e b a c k y a r d . Its $ 3 . 9 5 B u n n i n g s t a r p a u l i n has l o n g since b e e n r e l o c a t e d t o p a r t l y c o v e r t h e r u s t i n g (thrice used) 1 8 - b u r n e r B B Q w i t h side b u r n e r , w o k c o o k e r , w a r m i n g rack, rotisserie a n d teppanyaki hotplate.

CULTURAL PURSUITS

Books - but only after the movie comes out

Bogans will tell you that they love to read. This is convenient as
r e a d i n g is, by its v e r y n a t u r e , a s o l i t a r y e x e r c i s e . As b o o k s are generally read away f r o m the presence of other p e o p l e , it is q u i t e s i m p l e t o assume t h e m i e n o f i n t e l l i g e n c e , a n d o p i n e s o l e m n l y o n t h e q u a l i t y of e i t h e r t h e latest bestseller or a w e l l - k n o w n classic w i t h o u t ever actually h a v i n g m o v e d b e y o n d t h e b l u r b . H o w e v e r , in c o n d u c t i n g this kind of surreptitious d e c e p t i o n , t h e b o g a n leaves itself o p e n to e x p o s u r e - if a c o m r a d e has r e a d t h e b o o k in q u e s t i o n a n d calls t h e bluff. As such, t h e b o g a n is far m o r e inclined to w h o l e h e a r t e d l y e m b r a c e t h e release o f b o o k s w h i c h have s u b s e q u e n t l y b e e n t u r n e d into major m o t i o n pictures. Da the Vinci Code/Angels The Power of One, Harry Potter, the Twilight series (oh The god,

and Demons,

Twilight series - n o w officially a 'saga'), Memoirs of a Geisha,

The Bourne Identity/ of the Lambs,

Supremacy/Ultimatum,

Silence

Confessions of a Shopaholic,

The Devil Wears Prada, a n d of c o u r s e

e v e r y t h i n g b y T o m Clancy, J o h n G r i s h a m a n d M i c h a e l C r i c h t o n . A n i n t e r e s t i n g o f f s h o o t o f this p h e n o m e n o n i s t h a t m a n y b o g a n s actually w i n d u p r e a d i n g t h e b o o k s i n q u e s t i o n a s t h e y d i s c o v e r - t o t h e i r o w n surprise a n d a m a z e m e n t - t h a t r e a d i n g can b e a n e d i f y i n g e x p e r i e n c e . This, o f c o u r s e , leads t o t h e natural p o i n t a t which the bogans resume their p o m p o u s proclamations about t h e b o o k , b u t n o w i t i s o n l y t o b o l d l y , lamely s t a t e t h a t i t i s ' w a y b e t t e r than the movie'. This is a ruse, as no b o g a n w o r t h t h e i r salt w o u l d w i l l i n g l y sit t h r o u g h all 1 3 , 0 0 0 p a g e s o f t h e s i x t h H a r r y P o t t e r i n s t a l m e n t w i t h o u t t h e f i l m t o act a s t h e i r e q u i v a l e n t o f a s t u d y g u i d e . T h a t

i m a g i n a t i o n shit's o v e r r a t e d anyway. M o r e s o p h i s t i c a t e d b o g a n s have, b y t h e way, g r a d u a t e d b e y o n d such p r i m i t i v e o p t i o n s , h a v i n g d i s c o v e r e d W i k i p e d i a , a l l o w i n g t h e m t o l o o k u p t h e synopsis o f any b o o k t h e y like, p r e p a r i n g t h e m t o p r e t e n d t h a t t h e y have r e a d a l m o s t a n y t h i n g t h e y like. However, no one - not even t h e most late-adopting, sloganwearing b o g a n , w o u l d ever t o u c h t h e novelisation of a film. That w o u l d b e g o i n g t o o far.

Andre Rieu
Andre is not the first of his kind - indeed, the bogan was charmed
1 5 years a g o b y V a n e s s a - M a e , a n a t t r a c t i v e y o u n g v i o l i n i s t w h o p l o n k e d t e c h n o b e a t s o v e r Bach, Classical Gas, a n d s o m e o t h e r stuff. She w e n t o n t o c u l t i v a t e x t r e m e n e s s b y p l a y i n g o n a Prince project titled ' X p e c t a t i o n ' . Her ability to cater to the A D H D m a r k e t ' s desire t o s e e m s o p h i s t i c a t e d was successful, t h u s s e t t i n g her u p f o r life. In a provincial t o w n in t h e N e t h e r l a n d s , m e a n w h i l e , a m i d d l e a g e d m a n was s u r f i n g t h e i n t e r n e t a n d saw w h a t V a n e s s a - M a e h a d d o n e . ' I w i s h t o e x t r a c t m u c h cash m o n e y f r o m t h e b o g a n also,' he said to himself, ' b u t h o w can I do this w h e n I am n o t a sultry y o u n g w o m a n ? ' A n d r e p o n d e r e d this f u r t h e r , a n d c l i c k e d his c l o g s t o g e t h e r w i t h glee w h e n he realised that there m i g h t just be a way. ' A m I n o t a s l i g h t l y r o g u e l o o k i n g , w e l l d r e s s e d g e n t w i t h a r e g i o n a l o r c h e s t r a a n d a cynical m i n d ? ' A n d r e m u t t e r e d t o n o b o d y i n particular. W i t h n o responses f o r t h c o m i n g , h e i n t e r p r e t e d t h e answer to be in t h e affirmative. A n d , f o r b e t t e r o r w o r s e , r i g h t h e w a s . A f t e r a f e w years o f f l i t t i n g here a n d t h e r e , A n d r e Rieu b e c a m e a w a r e o f h o w t o c h a r m

the Australian b o g a n female into revealing to him the soft pink lips o f its p u r s e . H e pairs his o w n a p p e a l t o m i d d l e - a g e d b o g a n females w i t h that of an attractive y o u n g female soprano singer i n his live p e r f o r m a n c e s , r e d u c i n g t h e r e s i s t a n c e o f t h e b o g a n m a l e t o g r a n t his w i f e t h e e x p e n s i v e w i s h o f a t t e n d i n g o n e o f Rieu's s t a d i u m s h o w s . A n d r e d e p i c t s his critics as m e m b e r s of a stuffy musical e l i t e w i t h n a r r o w a e s t h e t i c tastes, w h i c h t h e b o g a n g r a t e f u l l y assimilates i n t o its o w n r e s e n t m e n t o f a m b i t i o u s p e o p l e w h o d o not wish t o b e bogans. Being aware of the bogan's reluctance to dwell t o o long on foreign music pieces it is not already familiar w i t h , A n d r e i n t e r s p e r s e s his A u s t r a l i a n s h o w s w i t h s i n g - a l o n g f a v o u r i t e t u n e s such as Burke's Backyard, Bananas in Pyjamas and Neighbours. 2009,

Indeed,

he even guest-starred on

Neighbours i n A p r i l

b r i n g i n g his b r a n d n a m e t o t h e u n w a s h e d masses w h e n t h e y least e x p e c t e d it. H e r e l e a s e d a s c h m a l t z y localised g r a b f o r t h e b o g a n female's affections in the lead-up to Mother's Day 2008, w i t h Waltzing Matilda g e t t i n g to #1 on t h e a l b u m charts.

W h i l e a c o m p e t e n t musician in his o w n r i g h t , Rieu is n o t t h e s u p e r i o r o f d o z e n s o f o t h e r less a c c l a i m e d w a l t z violinists a r o u n d t h e w o r l d . W h a t h e a n d his r e c o r d l a b e l (Universal) h a v e d o n e b e t t e r t h a n a n y o n e else, h o w e v e r , i s t o s i m u l t a n e o u s l y a l l o w t h e b o g a n t o see itself a s s o p h i s t i c a t e d , w h i l e p a n d e r i n g t o its s h o r t attention span, n e e d to be validated, and latent x e n o p h o b i a . He'll even p e r f o r m in a s u b u r b a n m e g a - m a l l f o o d c o u r t , f o r t h o s e b o g a n s w h o g r o w anxious w h e n their pop-classical music c o n s u m p t i o n b e c o m e s separated f r o m their Boost Juice and Krispy Kreme consumption.

Today Tonight
This is the worst show on television. The bogan, with an alarming
d e p e n d e n c y o n it, t u n e s i n each w e e k n i g h t a t 6 : 3 0 s h a r p f o r its hit o f o u t r a g e , d e n i a l a n d q u i c k fixes. A s t h e f a m i l i a r t o n e s o f t h e p r o g r a m ' s journalistically a u t h o r i t a t i v e h o s t r e v e r b e r a t e f r o m t h e i n t e r e s t - f r e e h o m e t h e a t r e s y s t e m , i t lures all o c c u p a n t s o f t h e McMansion into the grand sitting r o o m . Hunched around the t e l e v i s i o n a s t h o u g h it's t h e o n l y h e a t e r i n A n t a r c t i c a , t h e y are ready to receive their 3 0 - m i n u t e d o s a g e . W i t h o u t t h i s s h o w , t h e b o g a n w o u l d b e l o s t . I t has s p e n t years c u l t i v a t i n g a d e e p h a t r e d o f a u t h o r i t y , i m m i g r a n t s , y o u n g p e o p l e , n o n - b o g a n s r i p p i n g off b o g a n s , and b o g a n s r i p p i n g off bogans. A hatred this huge w o u l d t o p p l e over under t h e w e i g h t o f its o w n f u n d a m e n t a l i r r a t i o n a l i t y unless i t was c o n s t a n t l y f e d and validated by m o v i n g pictures and s o u n d . Worse still, if left to its o w n d e v i c e s to c o n t e m p l a t e its hates, t h e r e is a slim b u t u n a c c e p t a b l e p o s s i b i l i t y t h a t t h e b o g a n w i l l realise t h a t i t l o a t h e s itself. T h a n k f u l l y , t h e b o g a n c a n t u r n t o its t e l e v i s i o n a t 6 : 3 0 p m t o w a r d o f f any d a w n i n g s e l f - a w a r e n e s s . T h e s h o w ' s j o u r n a l i s t s will exercise t h e i r o w n f r e e d o m o f s p e e c h i n a b o g a n - a p p r o v e d manner, c u t t i n g off o r d r o w n i n g o u t a n y o n e f e a t u r e d o n t h e s h o w w h o a t t e m p t s t o unravel t h e b o g a n ' s f r a g i l e social t a p e s t r y w i t h a n i n d e p e n d e n t o p i n i o n . W i t h t h e b o r i n g parts of conventional news r e p o r t i n g e l i m i n a t e d t h u s , t h e b o g a n can i m m e r s e itself i n t h e x t r e m e journalistic elements of a m b u s h , pursuit, hidden cameras and selective e d i t i n g . This s h o w i s p o s s i b l y t h e m o s t f i n e l y h o n e d , p e r f e c t l y e v o l v e d b o g a n - a t t r a c t i n g m a c h i n e i n e x i s t e n c e . A f t e r years o f p a t i e n t trial

a n d error, i t has n a r r o w e d d o w n t h e list o f s t o r i e s i t p r e s e n t s t o e i g h t m e t a - b o g a n p i e c e s . I t will i n f o r m t h e b o g a n a b o u t : h o w to lose w e i g h t w i t h o u t sensible diets or exercise t h e existence of c o n artists while chasing t h e m d o w n t h e street h o w g e n e r a l l y evil y o u n g p e o p l e are the dangers of foreign people entering the country w h a t 'crazy s t u n t ' t h e 'Chaser b o y s ' have recently p u l l e d welfare cheats r o b b i n g t h e m of their taxes any p r o d u c t , service or g e n e r a l n o t i o n t h a t will p e r m i t t h e filming of s e m i - e x p o s e d breasts any p r o g r a m on t h e n e t w o r k t h a t m i g h t n e e d s o m e extra free advertising. T h e b o g a n will w a t c h this s h o w , t h e n t u r n on Home and Away, and sleep comfortably, c o n t e n t that it is n o w an e m p o w e r e d and i n f o r m e d m e m b e r o f society. A n d t h a t n o t h i n g i s t h e i r f a u l t .

A Current Affair
This is the worst show on television. The bogan, with an alarming
d e p e n d e n c y o n it, t u n e s i n e a c h w e e k n i g h t a t 6 : 3 0 s h a r p f o r its hit of o u t r a g e , denial and quick fixes. As t h e familiar tones of t h e program's journalistically authoritative host reverberate from t h e i n t e r e s t - f r e e h o m e t h e a t r e s y s t e m , i t l u r e s all o c c u p a n t s of the McMansion into the grand sitting room. Hunched around t h e t e l e v i s i o n a s t h o u g h it's t h e o n l y h e a t e r i n A n t a r c t i c a , t h e y are r e a d y t o receive t h e i r 3 0 - m i n u t e d o s a g e . W i t h o u t t h i s s h o w , t h e b o g a n w o u l d b e l o s t . I t has s p e n t years c u l t i v a t i n g a d e e p h a t r e d o f a u t h o r i t y , i m m i g r a n t s , y o u n g p e o p l e , non-bogans ripping off bogans, and bogans ripping

off b o g a n s . A h a t r e d this h u g e w o u l d t o p p l e over u n d e r t h e w e i g h t o f its o w n f u n d a m e n t a l i r r a t i o n a l i t y unless i t w a s c o n s t a n t l y f e d a n d v a l i d a t e d b y m o v i n g p i c t u r e s a n d s o u n d . W o r s e still, i f left t o its o w n d e v i c e s t o c o n t e m p l a t e its h a t e s , t h e r e i s a slim b u t u n a c c e p t a b l e p o s s i b i l i t y t h a t t h e b o g a n w i l l realise t h a t i t l o a t h e s itself. T h a n k f u l l y , t h e b o g a n c a n t u r n t o its t e l e v i s i o n a t 6 : 3 0 p m t o w a r d o f f any d a w n i n g s e l f - a w a r e n e s s . T h e s h o w ' s j o u r n a l i s t s will exercise t h e i r o w n f r e e d o m o f s p e e c h i n a b o g a n - a p p r o v e d manner, c u t t i n g off o r d r o w n i n g o u t a n y o n e f e a t u r e d o n t h e s h o w w h o a t t e m p t s t o unravel t h e b o g a n ' s f r a g i l e social t a p e s t r y w i t h a n i n d e p e n d e n t o p i n i o n . W i t h t h e b o r i n g p a r t s o f c o n v e n t i o n a l news r e p o r t i n g e l i m i n a t e d thus, t h e b o g a n can i m m e r s e itself in t h e x t r e m e journalistic elements of ambush, pursuit, hidden cameras, and selective e d i t i n g . This s h o w i s p o s s i b l y t h e m o s t f i n e l y h o n e d , p e r f e c t l y e v o l v e d b o g a n - a t t r a c t i n g machine in existence. A f t e r years of p a t i e n t trial a n d error, i t has n a r r o w e d d o w n t h e list o f stories i t p r e s e n t s t o e i g h t m e t a - b o g a n p i e c e s . I t will i n f o r m t h e b o g a n h o w t o lose w e i g h t w i t h o u t fad diets or exercise, inform t h e b o g a n a b o u t : h o w to lose w e i g h t w i t h o u t sensible diets or exercise t h e existence of c o n artists w h i l e chasing t h e m d o w n t h e street h o w g e n e r a l l y evil y o u n g p e o p l e a r e the dangers of foreign people entering the country w h a t 'crazy s t u n t ' t h e 'Chaser b o y s ' have recently p u l l e d welfare cheats r o b b i n g t h e m of their taxes any p r o d u c t , service or g e n e r a l n o t i o n t h a t will p e r m i t t h e filming of s e m i - e x p o s e d breasts

any p r o g r a m on t h e n e t w o r k that m i g h t n e e d s o m e extra free advertising. T h e b o g a n will w a t c h this s h o w , t h e n t u r n on Home and Away,

and sleep comfortably, c o n t e n t that it is n o w an e m p o w e r e d and i n f o r m e d m e m b e r o f society. A n d t h a t n o t h i n g i s t h e i r f a u l t .

St Patrick's Day
According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, only 0.3% of the
A u s t r a l i a n p o p u l a t i o n w a s b o r n i n I r e l a n d , a n d o n l y 0 . 8 % are s e c o n d g e n e r a t i o n A u s t r a l i a n s o f Irish s t o c k . S e e i n g a s b o g a n s a c c o u n t f o r a t least 2 0 % o f t h e A u s t r a l i a n p o p u l a t i o n , i t stands t o reason t h a t , unless Irish D N A offers a p r e d i l e c t i o n t o w a r d s b e i n g a b o g a n , t h e r e are o n l y a r o u n d 1 6 0 , 0 0 0 Irish b o g a n s . T h e a v e r a g e a g e o f a n Irish i m m i g r a n t b e i n g nearly 5 0 , w e a t T B L b e l i e v e t h a t , n a t i o n w i d e , t h e r e are o n l y a r o u n d 2 0 , 0 0 0 - 3 0 , 0 0 0 Irish b o g a n s b e t w e e n 1 8 a n d 3 0 years o f a g e . Yet o n c e a y e a r - on 17 M a r c h - h u n d r e d s of t h o u s a n d s of b o g a n s a r o u n d t h e c o u n t r y c o n g r e g a t e a t Irish p u b s a n d bars a n d c e l e b r a t e t h e i r Irishness b y g e t t i n g s m a s h e d o n G u i n n e s s a n d glassing c***s. T h e s e b o g a n s will also a l t e r t h e i r s t a n d a r d display behaviour. Rather t h a n m e r e l y w e a r i n g garish t-shirts a n d p o s t u r i n g aggressively a t o n e a n o t h e r f o r t h e b e n e f i t o f t h e f e m a l e , t h e y will w e a r garish g r e e n t-shirts a n d p o s t u r e a g g r e s s i v e l y a t o n e a n o t h e r for the benefit of the female. U p o n m e e t i n g a real Irish p e r s o n , t h e b o g a n will first p a t r o n i s e t h e m b y clumsily a t t e m p t i n g t o p u t o n a n Irish a c c e n t , a n d t h e n prepare to fight t h e m , possibly w i t h the ultimate aim of f i n d i n g g o l d a t t h e e n d o f t h e b l o o d i e d l e p r e c h a u n . It's h a r d l y s u r p r i s i n g t h a t t h e b o g a n has t a k e n t o S t P a t r i c k ' s D a y w i t h t h i s s o r t o f

d e l u s i o n a l f e r v o u r . A f t e r all, t h e b o g a n will h a p p i l y e m b r a c e any culture that it perceives to be based on drinking, f i g h t i n g and p e o p l e w i t h w h i t e skin. W h i l e Irish p u b s s p e n d t h e r e s t o f t h e y e a r h a l f e m p t y , o n S t P a t r i c k ' s Day, t h e b o g a n w i l l PAY t o e n t e r t h e s a m e v e n u e and eke o u t a n a r r o w g a p for itself b e t w e e n t h e t o i l e t d o o r a n d t h e c i g a r e t t e m a c h i n e . I t will t h e n s p e n d t h e n e x t six h o u r s d r i n k i n g a b e e r i t s h o w s n o i n t e r e s t i n f o r t h e o t h e r 3 6 4 days o f t h e year, a n d c o m p l a i n i n g a b o u t t h e c r o w d e d s t a t e o f t h e p u b t h a t i t n e v e r o t h e r w i s e a t t e n d s . O n its first p i n t o f G u i n n e s s , t h e b o g a n will i n w a r d l y w i n c e a t t h e d e n s e b l a c k s l u d g e i n its t h r o a t , p a u s e t o c o m p o s e itself, a n d t h e n l o u d l y p r o n o u n c e its t h e m e d deliciousness o v e r t h e s u r r o u n d i n g d i n . M u c h o f this d i n i s c a u s e d by a p a t e n t l y h o p e l e s s U2 c o v e r b a n d , e a r n i n g $ 5 0 0 f o r a set t h a t i s c o m p l e t e l y d e v o i d o f m o n e t a r y v a l u e a t any o t h e r t i m e . I n d e e d , St Patrick's Day is a rare e x a m p l e of t h e b o g a n ' s r a m p a n t o n e - d i m e n s i o n a l n a t i o n a l i s m b e i n g p u t o n t h e b a c k b u r n e r . Today, t h e b o g a n will g o t o g r e a t pains t o i n f o r m b y s t a n d e r s t h a t i t i s ' o n e q u a r t e r Irish' ( p r e s u m a b l y l e a v i n g o n l y t h r e e - q u a r t e r s Australian) w h i c h , i n its m i n d , qualifies i t t o enthusiastically r e c o u n t t h e s a m e t h r e e Irish j o k e s t h a t i t t o l d o n S t Patrick's Day last year. A n d t h e year before. A n d t h e year b e f o r e that.

Two and a Half Men

This show is in no way funny. 'Corned/ is a misnomer in its case.
This p r o g r a m i s t h e h a r b i n g e r o f A r m a g e d d o n . This i s t h e S h o w B o g a n s Like. S o m e w h e r e , in a d u n g e o n in C a l i f o r n i a , a t e a m of d e m o n i c s h o w b i z suits sat d o w n a n d p l o t t e d t h e d e s t r u c t i o n o f t e l e v i s i o n . Two and a Half Men w a s t h e result. T h e c o m b i n a t i o n of

Charlie Sheen - t h e m a n w h o m a r r i e d D e n i s e Richards a n d e n t e r e d rehab - t e a m e d with an annoying child and an equally annoying a d u l t , c o u l d f o c u s t h e b o g a n ' s self-love b y h a v i n g i t assume t h a t C h a r l i e S h e e n r e p r e s e n t s it. T h e a n n o y i n g characters p r e s u m a b l y play t h e p a r t o f n o n - b o g a n s i n this fantasy. O f f e r i n g a h e a d y m i x of g r a t u i t o u s , i m p l i e d - f o r PG r a t i n g sex, a t t r a c t i v e w o m e n a n d f i e r c e m i s o g y n y , t h e b o g a n ' s t r i g g e r p o i n t s are sufficiently c h a r g e d . This e n t i r e s h o w i s b u i l t u p a r o u n d t h e c l i c h e t h a t w o m e n w i l l r e w a r d m e n f o r t r e a t i n g t h e m like d i r t . F e m a l e b o g a n s e n j o y this s h o w . T h e b o g a n m a l e m a y t r y t o r e p l i c a t e C h a r l i e Sheen's character's success in real life, b u t lacking even Sheen's h a c k n e y e d w i t and a d d l e d charm, it will only f i n d p o s i t i v e results a t t h e very, very d a m a g e d e n d o f t h e s p e c t r u m . T h a t this s h o w - r i d d l e d w i t h w o m e n w h o are e i t h e r a n n o y i n g mothers, obese quasi-lesbians or smoking hot idiots simply b e g g i n g t o fall v i c t i m t o C h a r l i e Sheen's ( r e a d : t h e b o g a n ' s ) wiles - i s o n e o f t h e m o s t p o p u l a r o n T V g o e s t o s h o w just h o w m a n y b o g a n s t h e r e are. T h e y c o u l d b e y o u r f r i e n d . T h e y c o u l d b e y o u r neighbour, your teacher or your accountant. They're out there, watching Two and a Half Men.

The presence of a neurotic and ugly b u t vaguely intelligent c h a r a c t e r i n Charlie's b r o t h e r p r o v i d e s t h e p e r f e c t i m p e t u s f o r t h e b o g a n t o f e e l g o o d a b o u t its irrational h a t r e d f o r i n t e l l e c t u a l s . I t can n o w c o m f o r t a b l y d r a w a n i n f o r m e d c o n c l u s i o n t h a t unless o n e i s sexist, a l c o h o l i c , i n s e n s i t i v e , a n d h a l f - s u c c e s s f u l , t h e y c a n n o t c o n c e i v a b l y p u l l c h i c k s , d e f t l y , like a P a m p l o n a b u l l h o o k i n g a drunken tourist. T h e r e is n o t e v e n any n e e d f o r c o m e d y - t h e evil suits realised t h a t t h e b o g a n , p a v l o v i a n s t e r e o t y p e t h a t i t is, will l a u g h m e r e l y

when it is s u g g e s t e d t h a t it is s u p p o s e d t o . Instead of funny or witty dialogue, a deafening laugh track of hyperventilating nitrous o x i d e v i c t i m s i s t h r u s t i n t o t h e e a r d r u m s o f any w h o d a r e u n - m u t e their television. The show's d i a l o g u e u n r e p e n t a n t l y veers b e t w e e n sexual i n n u e n d o s , h o t chicks a n d a k i d m a k i n g sexual i n n u e n d o s , t o t h e r a p t u r o u s a p p l a u s e o f t h e b o g a n . T h e v e r y e x i s t e n c e o f t h e 'halfman' (a fine example of the half-baked c o m e d y that plagues the show) j o k i n g a b o u t m e n s t r u a t i o n , p r o m i s c u i t y , s w e a r i n g a n d o t h e r ' a d u l t ' issues, m a k e s t h e b o g a n t e r r i b l y e x c i t e d . H o w h i l a r i o u s , it thinks, t h a t a child s h o u l d n o t only be aware of such m i n d b o g g l i n g l y c o m p l e x m a t t e r s , b u t also h a v e t h e a b i l i t y t o t u r n i t into jokes. The show's popularity is further aided by t h e fact t h a t it is s h o w n on C h a n n e l 9. R e p e a t e d l y . M o r e t i m e s t h a n Australian Extreme Police Customs Security Force Australia.

Celebrities' opinions
As has been discussed at length in this convenient hutch of boganic
k n o w l e d g e , t h e b o g a n likes t o have a n o p i n i o n . B u t t h e process o f careful a g g r e g a t i o n a n d analysis o f t h e available d a t a , o r l o n g sessions s p e n t s t a r i n g d e e p i n t o t h e inky a b s t r a c t ether, t a k e s t o o long in delivering t h e simple a n d concrete answers t h e b o g a n r e q u i r e s i m m e d i a t e l y . A s a result, t h e b o g a n w i l l leave a s m a n y stones unturned as possible in seeking out t h e most convenient s h o r t c u t t o f o r m i n g its o p i n i o n . T h e o p i n i o n s o f c e l e b r i t i e s are heartily e m b r a c e d by bogans for this very reason. The b o g a n b e l i e v e s c e l e b r i t i e s e m b o d y all t h a t i s p e r f e c t a n d u n a t t a i n a b l e in t h e t e m p o r a l r e a l m , so it m a k e s itself a w i l l i n g vessel f o r t h e i r v a c u o u s m u s i n g s , w h i c h are m a d e readily available t o t h e b o g a n

t h r o u g h the ever-expanding, life-giving tentacles of the malevolent trashmedia. If there's s o m e t h i n g t h a t excites a b o g a n even more than a n u n q u a l i f i e d c e l e b r i t y ' s w o r t h l e s s o p i n i o n , it's a n u n q u a l i f i e d c e l e b r i t y ' s w o r t h l e s s o p i n i o n o n a w o r t h l e s s t o p i c . This i s w h y t h e r e w e r e h i g h fives a p l e n t y i n t h e office t h e d a y s o m e callous a r s e h o l e i n v e n t e d B e r t M e w t o n ' s 20 to O n e . A l o w - b a l l i n g festival o f y a w n , this s h o w f e a t u r e s u n r e m a r k a b l e p e o p l e discussing b a n a l , pathetic and advertiser-friendly topics such as 'Worst Haircuts', 'Greatest Logies M o m e n t s ' and 'Hilarious Celebrity Blunders'. Obviously this show is a TV producer's w e t d r e a m . N o t only does i t mainly consist o f o u t t a k e s a n d archival f o o t a g e , b u t i t allows Bert N e w t o n , p e r e n n i a l r e c i p i e n t o f a n h o n o r a r y t o u p e e g a g a t every 'TV Event', t o b e w h e e l e d o u t again a s a n e x a m p l e o f just h o w t r u l y e m b a r r a s s i n g t h i s c o u n t r y ' s e n t e r t a i n m e n t i n d u s t r y is. C e l e b r i t y o p i n i o n on this rotisserie of shit is p r o v i d e d by a r e v o l v i n g cast o f d e s p e r a t e e x - s o a p stars a n d reality T V also-rans. A n d Richard Wilkins. T h e b o g a n , t r u e t o f o r m , laps i t u p like a d o g d o e s its o w n sick. S i t u a t e d n o t far f r o m t h e o f t - s p a t u l a t e d b a s e o f t h e T V b a r r e l , s o m e w h e r e in b e t w e e n Hey Hey It's Saturday a n d TV s h o w s m a d e u p o f t h e m o s t p o p u l a r t h i n g s o n YouTube t h e p r e v i o u s w e e k , this sort of show used to be served up in t h e f o r m of once-off outtakes a n d b l o o p e r s specials, w h e n e v e r t h e r e w a s a h o l e in a n e t w o r k ' s p r o g r a m m i n g that n e e d e d to be filled as cheaply as possible. T h e b o g a n l i k e d t h e s e , a n d w a n t e d m o r e o f t h e m . S o i n t h e everc h a n g i n g , n e v e r - a m a z i n g w o r l d o f n e t w o r k TV, w h e r e t h e b o g a n d o l l a r i s k i n g , t h e b o g a n can n o w rely o n this t o r r e n t o f televisual s m e g m a every week.

Clashing with reporters

The bogan knows its rights. It knows that one of those rights is privacy,
and that it is particularly e n t i t l e d to privacy w h e n in public. T h e b o g a n i s e s p e c i a l l y p r o t e c t i v e o f its r i g h t t o p r i v a c y w h e n c o m m i t t i n g criminal acts i n p u b l i c , r i o t i n g i n p u b l i c m o b s , e n g a g i n g in episodes of road rage in public, and exiting courthouses in p u b l i c . T h e m e d i a are n o t h i n g b u t leeches a n d c o c k r o a c h e s . It is t h e s e beliefs t h a t l e a d t h e b o g a n t o , w h e n f i l m e d i n p u b l i c a g a i n s t its wishes, clash w i t h r e p o r t e r s . C a m e r a s are s m a s h e d , p r o f a n i t i e s r i n g t h r o u g h t h e air, a n d r e p o r t e r s are a s s a u l t e d . In m a n y cases, t h i s i s r e c o r d e d b y o t h e r r e p o r t e r s , c a u s i n g t h e b o g a n t o clash with them too. T h e b o g a n d o e s n o t b e l i e v e t h a t e n f o r c i n g its r i g h t t o p r i v a c y in p u b l i c by c l a s h i n g w i t h r e p o r t e r s is c o n t r a d i c t e d by any of its o t h e r b e h a v i o u r s . M e a n w h i l e , its a p p e t i t e f o r p a p a r a z z i s h o t s of celebrities in t a b l o i d magazines remains unquenchable, it c o n t i n u e s to a u d i t i o n f o r Big Brother e v e r y year (or will w h e n if c o m e s b a c k o n air), a n d r e p o r t e r s are still e x p e c t e d t o e x p o s e t h e unsavoury b e h a v i o u r o f o t h e r b o g a n s f o r its i n f o t a i n m e n t o n Today Tonight and A Current Affair.

T h e r e are c e r t a i n instances i n w h i c h t h e b o g a n will w a i v e its r i g h t s t o privacy. T h e s e i n c l u d e : w h e n w a v i n g a n d g e s t i c u l a t i n g i n t h e b a c k g r o u n d o f live crosses; w h e n n o t c o m m i t t i n g a c r i m e o r e x i t i n g a c o u r t h o u s e ; a n d any o t h e r i n s t a n c e i n w h i c h t h e b o g a n d e e m s t h a t t h e b e n e f i t s o f t h e p u b l i c i t y t o its q u e s t f o r c e l e b r i t y s t a t u s o u t w e i g h any n e g a t i v e i m p a c t o n a n y o n g o i n g o r f u t u r e civil o r c r i m i n a l p r o c e e d i n g s . M o s t i m p o r t a n t l y , t h e b o g a n w i l l p o s t e v e r y m i n u t i a e o f its e x i s t e n c e o n F a c e b o o k , e n c o u r a g i n g t h e w o r l d t o v i e w a n d w o n d e r a t t h e a w e s o m e n e s s o f its life. This

b e l i e f will last u n t i l i t f i n d s itself c l a s h i n g w i t h r e p o r t e r s . S u d d e n l y , t h e b o g a n will b e l i e v e t h a t e v e r y t h i n g i t p o s t s o n l i n e u n d e r its o w n name is entirely private, and not to be v i e w e d by anyone. T h e b o g a n w h o f i n d s itself clashing w i t h r e p o r t e r s , w h i l e rare, will t h e n b a r r i c a d e itself i n its h o m e , b e m o a n i n g t h a t t h e p a p e r s have t h e f r e e d o m o f s p e e c h t o say t h i n g s a b o u t it, a n d t h a t t h e news networks attack it by s h o w i n g f o o t a g e of t h e m clashing with r e p o r t e r s . D e s p i t e t h e f a c t t h a t t h e b o g a n i s n o w a t least t h r e e d e g r e e s closer to Underbelly, its e x p e r i e n c e as a n o t o r i o u s p e r s o n has left it d i s i l l u s i o n e d a n d s a d .

Cruise ships
When ifs not travelling on budget airlines to the exotic countries of
P h u k e t a n d Bali, t h e w e l l t r a v e l l e d b o g a n enjoys sailing t h e h i g h seas o n o n e o f P & O ' s f l o a t i n g p l e a s u r e p a l a c e s . T h e cruise s h i p r e p r e s e n t s t h e e p i t o m e o f b o g a n t r a v e l , p e r m i t t i n g i t t o chalk u p six p a s s p o r t s t a m p s i n e i g h t d a y s , v i s i t i n g f o r e i g n c o u n t r i e s like N o u m e a , P o r t Vila a n d Suva, w i t h o u t t r a v e l l i n g m o r e t h a n 5 0 0 m e t r e s f r o m a m a j o r p o r t a n d w h i l e e n j o y i n g all t h e c o m f o r t s of home. Like b i g t h i n g s a n d s h o p p i n g c e n t r e s , t h e b o g a n i s a t t r a c t e d t o cruise ships d u e t o t h e i r sheer size. A t y p i c a l ship w e i g h s i n a t o v e r 7 0 , 0 0 0 t o n n e s , has h u n d r e d s o f r o o m s , m u l t i p l e levels a n d comes e q u i p p e d w i t h everything a b o g a n requires: restaurants, n i g h t c l u b s , casinos, g y m s , I M A X t h e a t r e s a n d c o m p r e h e n s i v e inc a b i n e n t e r t a i n m e n t . I t a l l o w s t h e b o g a n t o e a t steak a n d c h i p s every n i g h t , d r i n k s t u p i d q u a n t i t i e s o f o v e r p r i c e d liquor, g a m b l e , g e t h u g e , w a t c h Avatar i n 3 D a n d e n j o y reruns o f Underbelly f r o m its c a b i n .

Every day, t h e cruise ship s t o p s at a d i f f e r e n t n o n d e s c r i p t S o u t h Pacific p o r t w h e r e t h e b o g a n briefly d i s e m b a r k s f r o m its N e p t u n i a n chateau to be g r e e t e d by some P & O e m p l o y e d , Polynesiant h e m e d d a n c e r s . This will p r o v e t h e closest t h e b o g a n w i l l c o m e to a c u l t u r a l i n t e r c h a n g e all day, as it s p e n d s t h e n e x t f i v e h o u r s getting bronzed, snorkelling and trying to haggle with more P & O e m p l o y e e s a t t h e g i f t s h o p f o r a Pacific t h e m e d w o o d c a r v i n g . A f t e r a q u i c k c o c o n u t c r a c k i n g d e m o n s t r a t i o n a n d s a r o n g t y i n g class, t h e b o g a n r e b o a r d s t h e Pacific Princess, f e e l i n g f o r all t h e w o r l d like C a p t a i n C o o k . T h a t n i g h t , t h e b o g a n s t r u g g l e s t o p e e l a p r a w n f r o m its t o w e r i n g b u f f e t p l a t e , r e g a l i n g its p e e r s w i t h s t o r i e s o f its n e a r b r u s h w i t h d e a t h a t t h e t e n t a c l e s o f a g i a n t killer s q u i d a n d j o k i n g h o w i t saw L o t e Tuqiri t h r e e t i m e s t h a t day. A f t e r dinner, i t d r i n k s w h o l e s a l e q u a n t i t i e s o f C o r o n a a n d hits t h e n i g h t c l u b s , h o p i n g t o lure a f e m a l e b o g a n b a c k t o its c a b i n w h e r e i t can f e e d her t h i s year's d e s i g n e r d r u g a n d b r e a c h h e r hull.

SPENDING

No deposit no interest, no repayments for 18 months!

Maintaining an appropriately fashionable abode, with appropriately
massive T V s c r e e n a n d a p p r o p r i a t e l y l o u d h o m e - t h e a t r e s y s t e m is an expensive task, particularly for t h e b o g a n , w h o s e weekly i n c o m e still relies o n n i g h t - s h i f t shelf-filling a t W o o l i e s . Thankfully, t h e p r o p r i e t o r s o f e q u a l l y massive r e t a i l e r s like H a r v e y N o r m a n saw a h o l e i n t h e m a r k e t , a n d d e c i d e d t o fill it. S o n o w , b o g a n d r e a m s can b e f u l f i l l e d , b y g e t t i n g f r e e stuff . That's r i g h t , t h e s e k i n d l y s a l e s p e o p l e will let b o g a n s w a l k i n t o t h e i r s t o r e , p i c k o u t a 3 2 0 c m full H D s c r e e n a n d carry i t b a c k t o t h e H o l d e n w i t h o u t paying a cent! Sure, they had to sign a couple of f o r m s b e f o r e being allowed to leave, b u t so what? Time to head h o m e and w a t c h Border Security in h i g h - d e f i n i t i o n s u r r o u n d s o u n d ! Of course, none of this takes into account t h e m o n t h l y fees t h a t are m e n t i o n e d i n t h e f i n e p r i n t o f t h e c o n t r a c t . N o r d i d t h e b o g a n notice t h e 3 5 % m o n t h l y interest t h a t t h e account accrues immediately u p o n missing o n e of these payments, or t h e cardiac arrest i n d u c i n g 6 0 % i n t e r e s t t h a t kicks in if t h e u n l u c k y b o g a n is still i n arrears o n c e t h e 1 8 m o n t h s are u p . A n d i t certainly d o e s n ' t i n c l u d e burly men arriving at your d o o r at 3 p m , menacingly playing w i t h little Shayleigh and Jaxon, with t h e tacit implication of kidnap and missing f i n g e r s s h o u l d t h e w i t h h e l d f u n d s fail t o b e p r o c u r e d . A c c e s s t o easy c r e d i t has b e e n b l a m e d f o r a l o t o f t h i n g s o f l a t e , a n d t h e b o g a n ' s l o v e o f f r e e m o n e y lies a t t h e h e a r t o f all o f o u r e c o n o m i c w o e s . N o j o b ? N o assets? N o w o r r i e s ! W e a p p r o v e your h o m e loan over t h e p h o n e ! C r e d i t card bill catching up on you? Congratulations, y o u ' v e just b e c o m e eligible to d o u b l e y o u r limit!
1

Normally, w h e n c o n f r o n t e d w i t h thousands of dollars of d e b t or a l o o m i n g h o m e r e p o s s e s s i o n , a n o r d i n a r y p e r s o n w o u l d suck i t u p a n d c h a n g e t h e i r s p e n d i n g h a b i t s . T h e b o g a n , h o w e v e r , i s wiser. Cannily p l a c i n g a call to t h e p r o d u c e r s of Today Tonight or A Current Affair, it m a n a g e s to p o s i t i o n itself - on n a t i o n a l t e l e v i s i o n - as t h e i n n o c e n t , only slightly naive v i c t i m o f malicious p r e d a t o r s . T h e m o s t skilled b o g a n s w i l l e v e n m a n a g e t o t u r n t h e e n t i r e e p i s o d e i n t o a c h a r i t a b l e fundraiser, w i t h c a r i n g b o g a n s e v e r y w h e r e p l e d g i n g t h e i r financial s u p p o r t . P r o b a b l y b e c a u s e t h e y , t o o , r e m e m b e r t h e s t i n g o f Harvey N o r m a n ' s t e r m s o f f i n a n c e .

Uninformed gambling
The bogan loves to gamble. The thrill of semi-illicit activity is an
irresistible call t o many, a s i s t h e social e x p e c t a t i o n t h a t m e n m u s t g a m b l e . H o w e v e r , o n e visit t o t h e races d u r i n g a m a j o r m e e t w i l l d e m o n s t r a t e t h e u n a m b i g u o u s f a i l u r e o f this t h e o r y : t h e b o g a n d o e s n ' t k n o w a n y t h i n g a b o u t h o r s e r a c i n g . I t will w a n d e r t h e lawns at F l e m i n g t o n or Royal R a n d w i c k w e a r i n g a n e w l y m i n t e d p i n s t r i p e suit w i t h w h i t e c r o c o d i l e skin shoes a n d c a r r y i n g a f o r m g u i d e t h a t it has no idea how to read. It will t h e n p r o c e e d to stand in the q u e u e at t h e bookies, confusedly staring at the mystifying collection of letters and n u m b e r s , all t h e w h i l e a t t e m p t i n g t o l o o k q u i t e t h e p r o f e s s i o n a l punter. Upon arriving at the front of the queue, however, the b o g a n will invariably place $10 each way on t h e horse called 'Cunning Stunt' or ' G o l d e n Shower', or some other semi-sexual double entendre. T h e n , t w e n t y m i n u t e s later, w h e n Far K e n n e l c o m e s i n t h i r t e e n l e n g t h s b e h i n d t h e w i n n e r , i t d r a m a t i c a l l y t e a r s u p its t i c k e t , a c t i n g

f o r all t h e w o r l d a s t h o u g h s o m e i m m e n s e e q u i n e c o n s p i r a c y has r o b b e d i t o f t h e sure t h i n g t h a t its e x t e n s i v e skills h a d p r o f f e r e d . This i s t h e s c a r c e l y c o n c e a l e d s e c r e t b e h i n d t h e success o f g a m b l i n g i n d u s t r i e s t h e w o r l d over. W h a t p o k i e s a n d slots are to septuagenarians, ill-informed sports betting is to the bogan. Billions of dollars are lost to these c o r p o r a t e b e h e m o t h s as a d i r e c t result o f m a l e b o g a n e f f o r t s t o a p p e a r s m a r t a n d financially successful in f r o n t of t h e i r f e m a l e equivalents. This, in t u r n , is d r i v e n b y t h e f e m a l e b o g a n ' s (well, any b o g a n ' s f o r t h a t m a t t e r ) a p p r e c i a t i o n o f easy m o n e y . A n d t h e r e i s n o easier m o n e y t h a n the f a b l e d professional gambler, turning over tens of thousands o f d o l l a r s o n t h e b a c k o f his s o p h i s t i c a t e d s y s t e m , i n s y n d i c a t i o n w i t h o t h e r v e t e r a n s o f t h e caper. I n s t e a d , t h e y g e t i d i o t s t h r o w i n g t h e i r m o n e y away, o n l y t o s p e n d m o r e a t t h e b a r d r o w n i n g t h e i r sorrows and b e m o a n i n g the horses' inability to g e t over the line. Even t h o u g h i t was p a y i n g $ 2 5 . A n d t h e f o r m g u i d e said i t had no chance.

Discount airlines
The bogan is no longer restricted to holidaying within a five-hour
C o m m o d o r e j o u r n e y o f its n e s t , a n d i t c a n t h a n k a g i n g e r E n g l i s h m a n f o r this f a c t . N o w t h e w h o l e f a m i l y can w h i s k itself t o t h e G o l d C o a s t , Sunshine C o a s t o r s o m e o t h e r c o a s t w i t h a w e l l f u n d e d r e g i o n a l t o u r i s t b o d y t h a t p i t c h e s effectively t o t h e b o g a n ' s n e e d s . I t can e v e n g e t t o ' c o u n t r i e s ' like Bali, P h u k e t a n d o t h e r places w h e r e t h e r e are p o o r p e o p l e t o h a g g l e w i t h f o r hair b r a i d s . Australia's first d i s c o u n t airline in t h e m o d e r n era was l a u n c h e d in 2000, a n d Virgin Blue quickly acquired t h e loyalty of t h e b o g a n w i t h its b l e n d o f l o w e r p r i c e s a n d t i t i l l a t i n g hostesses.

Q a n t a s s o o n realised t h a t t h e b o g a n n o l o n g e r a s p i r e d t o b o a r d the flying Kangaroo, and subsequently launched Jetstar in 2004, w i t h its b l e n d o f e v e n l o w e r p r i c e s a n d M a g d a Szubanski's less persuasive visual charms. T o c o n c l u d e this race t o t h e b o t t o m , T i g e r e n t e r e d t h e m a r k e t i n 2 0 0 7 , b o a s t i n g t h e l o w e s t prices y e t , a n d s o m e s c r u b b e r s t h a t t h e b o g a n h a d n e v e r h e a r d of. This d i d n o t d e t e r t h e b o g a n , t h o u g h , a s a n y o n e w h o has h a d t h e m i s f o r t u n e o f b e i n g s i t u a t e d i n a T i g e r d e p a r t u r e l o u n g e can a t t e s t . T h e d i s c o u n t airline business m o d e l involves s t r i p p i n g airline travel d o w n t o t h e basics, a n d passing t h e savings o n t o t h e customer. W h i l e t h e b o g a n g e n e r a l l y desires t o live like a c e l e b r i t y , i t i s very r e c e p t i v e t o t h e idea o f g e t t i n g s o m e w h e r e really cheaply. This i s w h e r e t h e b o g a n ' s l o g i c fails o n t w o d i f f e r e n t levels t h a t i t s e e m s u n a w a r e of. Firstly, it e x p e c t s c e l e b r i t y service at b a r g a i n prices. If t h e d i s c o u n t f l i g h t is 30 m i n u t e s l a t e , a small cluster of b o g a n s can b e seen g e s t i c u l a t i n g maniacally a t t h e service desk, a n act w h i c h i s likely t o m a k e t h e s u b s e q u e n t f l i g h t 4 5 m i n u t e s late. T h e b o g a n s ' f l a t nasal y o w l r e v e r b e r a t e s across t h e d e p a r t u r e l o u n g e , p r o m p t i n g o t h e r b o g a n s t o b e g i n h o w l i n g like a n e i g h b o u r h o o d of cross-eyed d o g s while t h e b o g a n children replenish their tear d u c t s w i t h 5 0 0 m l e n e r g y d r i n k s . D u e t o i n c i d e n t s such a s this, t h e Bali t o B r i s b a n e J e t s t a r f l i g h t o n S u n d a y a f t e r n o o n s has c o m e t o be known as the ' b o g a n bus'. Secondly, t h e b o g a n has s a v e d t w e n t y - s e v e n d o l l a r s o n a f l i g h t f r o m M e l b o u r n e t o Sydney a t d i n n e r t i m e this Saturday, f l y i n g T i g e r i n s t e a d o f Q a n t a s a t 9 a m o n W e d n e s d a y . Let's b r e a k i t d o w n , shall w e ?

Tiger
Ticket cost $78

Qantas
$105

TWENTY-SEVEN DOLLAR SAVING!!!

15 kg of l u g g a g e C r e d i t card f e e Snack on flight Two beers on flight Dollar value of t i m e w a s t e d after check-in $10 $6 $5 $12 $15 (45 mins) $0 $7.70 $0 $0 $10 (30 mins)

SUBTOTAL
Plus Dignity cost of b o g a n s in Tiger terminal

$126
$100

$122.70
$0

GRAND TOTAL

$226

$122.70

Chrisco hampers
'After months of excited waiting, ifs finally arrived. OMG. A massive
h a m p e r full o f f e s t i v e g o o d n e s s f r o m C h r i s c o ! Sure, it's a c o u p l e o f w e e k s later t h a n t h e y said i t ' d b e b u t , kids, c o m e q u i c k l y - o u r m a g i c a l C h r i s t m a s is s a v e d ! ' This has b e e n t h e t r i u m p h a l s q u a w k e m a n a t i n g f r o m b o g a n n e s t s a r o u n d A u s t r a l i a as, o n e b y o n e , t h e y r e c e i v e t h e i r b i g baskets o f g o o d i e s . A f t e r years o f piously s o o t h i n g a d v e r t i s e m e n t s f r o m a m i d d l e - a g e d w o m a n with a vague resemblance to Mrs Claus, b o g a n families have fallen f o r Chrisco e n masse. W i t h f e s t i v e f o o d h a m p e r s r a n g i n g f r o m $ 3 7 0 t o a g a l l i n g $ 1 2 5 0 , this clever c o m p a n y has s o m e h o w c o n v i n c e d b o g a n s t h a t w a i t i n g t o have a massive b a s k e t o f easily a v a i l a b l e f o o d s t u f f s s e n t t o t h e m i s b e t t e r than immediately g e t t i n g t h e actual items they w a n t f r o m the s u p e r m a r k e t u p t h e r o a d a t half t h e p r i c e . T h e key t o t h e a p p e a l o f Chrisco i s t h e i d e a o f m a k i n g d i r e c t

d e b i t i n s t a l m e n t s all year in o r d e r to have t h e h a m p e r arrive f o r FREE s o m e t i m e in D e c e m b e r . Clearly, this is a g i f t f r o m t h e g o o d p e o p l e at C h r i s c o , massive earlier i n v e s t m e n t n o t w i t h s t a n d i n g . A s t h e b o g a n a p p e a r s w i l l i n g t o invest $ 2 1 0 o v e r nine m o n t h s i n o r d e r t o have a slab o f B u n d y a n d C o k e a p p e a r m a g i c a l l y o n its d o o r s t e p , C h r i s c o appears willing to make e n o r m o u s profits f r o m their gullibility. A s t h e b o g a n ' p l a n s its f i n a n c e s ' i n a d v a n c e , i t a l l o w s C h r i s c o t o sit o n a lucrative m o u n t a i n o f b o g a n b u c k s f o r m o n t h s b e f o r e i t has t o actually p u r c h a s e i n v e n t o r y f o r t h e h a m p e r s s o m e t i m e i n O c t o b e r . I n o r d e r t o deal w i t h p e s k y q u e s t i o n s a b o u t value, Chrisco sincerely i n f o r m s t h e b o g a n a b o u t t h e stresses a n d strains t h a t abound when navigating the supermarket in December, as t h o u g h there's s o m e kind of b o g a n demilitarised zone b e t w e e n t h e dairy aisle a n d t h e t u r k e y f r i d g e . I n s t e a d , it's okay. C h r i s c o is h e r e toh e l p . T h a n k heavens f o r C h r i s c o . T h e C h r i s c o c o m p a n y o r i g i n a l l y f o r m e d i n t h e UK, w h e r e i t was m o d e r a t e l y successful. W h i l e Britain i s r i d d l e d w i t h b o g a n e s q u e C h a v s , t h e f o u n d e r s r e c o g n i s e d t h a t , w i t h its a p p a r e n t l y far m o r e limited grasp of accounting, the bogan populace in the antipodes c o u l d m a k e t h e m rich b e y o n d t h e i r w i l d e s t i m a g i n i n g s . T h e y m o v e d t o N e w Z e a l a n d , a n d f r o m t h e r e t h e c o m p a n y c r o s s e d t h e Tasman t o s t o r m t h e m a i n b o g a n s t r o n g h o l d i n 1 9 9 7 . Today, i t f l e e c e s o v e r a m i l l i o n b o g a n s p e r year, a n d t u r n s o v e r a c o o l q u a r t e r b i l l i o n . This p h e n o m e n a l cash h a r v e s t i n g o f t e n g o e s u n n o t i c e d , as C h r i s c o is a seasonal business w i t h o u t p r o m i n e n t s h o p f r o n t s , a n d b o g a n s rarely r e a d a n y t h i n g w i t h n u m b e r s . I n late 2 0 0 7 , a s y s t e m s crash c a u s e d t h e c o m p a n y t o fail t o deliver thousands of hampers prior to Christmas, which m a d e t h e b o g a n s b o t h f u r i o u s a n d e l a t e d . Furious, because t h e y h a d t o g o t o

t h e s u p e r m a r k e t t o chance t h e i r luck a t C h e c k p o i n t Charlie. E l a t e d , b e c a u s e i t a l l o w e d t h e m t o c o n d u c t f u r i o u s v o x p o p s w i t h 22-yearo l d Today Tonight r e p o r t e r s a b o u t a n e w , a n d e n o r m o u s , r o r t . H o w e v e r , w h i l e b o g a n r a g e is i n t e n s e , a c r i p p l e d a t t e n t i o n span causes it to also be brief. A m o n t h later, t h e b o g a n s in q u e s t i o n h a d already signed up for an e x t o r t i o n a t e 43-week instalment plan for C h r i s t m a s 2 0 0 8 . This i s t h e d i s t i l l a t i o n o f e v e r y t h i n g t h a t b o g a n s love a b o u t b u y i n g t h i n g s . Like s o m e k i n d o f r e t a r d e d F r i e d m a n i t e , t h e b o g a n views Chrisco as a g o o d d e a l . This is t h e b o g a n e c o n o m y . In t h e b e l i e f t h a t if s o m e t h i n g is p a i d f o r in i n s t a l m e n t s , a n d p u r c h a s e d in b u l k , it must be sensible c o m m e r c e , the b o g a n parts w i t h $4.70 a week. For t e n m o n t h s . To g e t a slab of B u n d y a n d C o k e s a n d a t o w e l . As presented on their website, t h o u g h , the hampers appear f u l l t o t h e b r i m w i t h d i s c o u n t e d f a c t o r y s e c o n d s . This mass o f c o n s u m e r i s m t e n d s t o cause a n e y e t w i t c h i n m a n y o f us, h o w e v e r , a n d w e can f i n d t h e l u d i c r o u s p r i c e / i m a g e c o n f l a t i o n c o n f u s i n g . B u t it's okay, T B L is h e r e to h e l p . Here is a b r e a k d o w n of a c o u p l e o f t h e s i m p l e s t b e v e r a g e h a m p e r s o n offer:

Coca-Cola hamper

C o n t a i n s t w o slabs o f c o k e ( s u p e r m a r k e t

v a l u e $35), a n d a p r o m o t i o n a l b e a c h t o w e l , h a t , Frisbee a n d b a g . Typically this stuff is o n l y a f e w b u c k s each (or free) w h e n C o k e p u t s a p r o m o t i o n o n , b e c a u s e basically it's a d v e r t i s i n g . Chrisco p r i c e : $ 1 3 7 . 8 0 , or only $3.21 per week! O n l y $3 a w e e k f o r all t h a t C o k e y C h r i s t m a s y g o o d n e s s ? T h a n k s f o r t h e 3 0 0 % m a r k u p , C h r i s c o - C h r i s t m a s will be m a g i c a l !

Beers of the world hamper

C o n t a i n s six 6-packs o f m i d - p r i c e d

b e e r ( s u p e r m a r k e t value $ 1 5 e a c h , t o t a l $90), a n d a 5 litre m i n i k e g o f H e i n e k e n ( s u p e r m a r k e t value $30).

C h r i s c o p r i c e : $ 2 0 2 . 8 0 , or only $4.73 per week! O n l y $4 a w e e k f o r all t h a t b e e r y C h r i s t m a s y g o o d n e s s ? T h a n k s , C h r i s c o , f o r o n l y c h a r g i n g $ 8 0 f o r delivery. C h r i s t m a s will b e m a g i c a l ! This i s t h e m o s t g e n i u s c o m p a n y i n A u s t r a l i a . A n d b o g a n s b e n d over a n d t a k e it w i t h a s m i l e .

Post Xmas sales

The weeks leading up to Christmas are expensive but pleasurable
for the b o g a n . Many bogans g e t drawn into t h e endless l o o p of t r y i n g t o o u t d o t h e i r o t h e r relatives i n t e r m s o f t h e scale, shininess, o r b r a n d naminess o f t h e i r gifts. This, p r e d i c t a b l y e n o u g h , i s f u n d e d by interest-free credit card d e b t at a competitive 2 0 % interest per a n n u m . C h r i s t m a s Day c o m e s , t h e g i f t s are e x c h a n g e d , t h e s u g a r y parts o f t h e Chrisco h a m p e r are c o n s u m e d , a n d b o g a n s n a t i o n w i d e retire t o t h e i r b e d s o n t h e e v e n i n g o f t h e 2 5 t h , e x h a u s t e d , b r o k e , but content. This p e r i o d o f c o n t e n t m e n t lasts f r o m 1 1 p m o n 2 5 D e c e m b e r until a p p r o x i m a t e l y 3 a m o n D e c e m b e r 2 6 , w h e n t h e b o g a n f e m a l e p o u n c e s o u t o f b e d , a g l i m m e r i n her e y e . S h o p p i n g t i m e . T h e B o x i n g Day sales at d e p a r t m e n t stores are d u e to start in as little as t w o h o u r s h e n c e , a n d i t i s o f vital i m p o r t a n c e t o t h e b o g a n f e m a l e t h a t i t h e a d s t h e w a i t i n g t h r o n g . O n c e u p o n a t i m e , B o x i n g Day was associated with hosting alternate family gatherings, relaxing at t h e park with friends and loved ones, or g e t t i n g kicked o u t of b a y 13 at t h e c r i c k e t . Today, h o w e v e r , it is e n t i r e l y a n d r e s o l u t e l y tied in with spending immense amounts of money for products no one needs at surprisingly negligible discounts. T h e c l o c k ticks past 6 a m . T h e l i g h t s are o n i n t h e s t o r e , t h e r e are e m p l o y e e s m i l l i n g a r o u n d i n t h e r e , b u t t h e d o o r s r e m a i n

c l o s e d . The b o g a n s are g r o w i n g increasingly a g i t a t e d , u n i t e d in their outrage at having their consumption delayed by tens of seconds. At 6:02, t w o security guards approach t h e doors f r o m inside, a n d b e g i n i n s t r u c t i n g t h e b o g a n m o b i n h o w t o g r a c e f u l l y enter the shopping centre. W i t h o u t w a r n i n g , a p a r t i c u l a r l y o x - l i k e b o g a n f e m a l e barrels a t t h e door, and t h e security guards soon relent. The bogans surge, f o a m i n g a t t h e m o u t h a n d d e s p e r a t e l y s n a t c h i n g a t any i t e m w i t h i n a t w o - m e t r e radius of a sign saying '(up to) 7 0 % O F F ! ' Skinny b o g a n s w r i g g l e t h e i r w a y b e t w e e n t h e f a t o n e s , tall o n e s reach over t h e t o p , and t h e fat ones j u t their a m p l e rumps outwards to create a quivering exclusion zone around the precious discounts. O n B o x i n g Day, t h e g l a d i a t o r i a l b o g a n i s a b l e t o f i g h t t o i m p u l s e p u r c h a s e i t e m s i t d o e s n o t w a n t , a t prices t h a t are c h e a p e r t h a n w h a t i t w o n ' t pay. I t justifies t h i s o n t h e basis o f b e i n g b r o k e f r o m C h r i s t m a s , n e c e s s i t a t i n g f r u g a l i t y , a n d any d i s c o u n t is, b y v i r t u e o f its d i s c o u n t e d n a t u r e , a s a v i n g . W h i l e all of t h e t h i n g s it set o u t t o p u r c h a s e are e i t h e r n o t o n sale o r a l r e a d y g o n e , t h e b o g a n i s d e t e r m i n e d n o t t o leave t h i s f e e d i n g f r e n z y e m p t y h a n d e d . A t 8:45 a m , t h e b o g a n limps o u t o f D a v i d J o n e s s p o r t i n g a black e y e , a t o r n t - s h i r t a n d a D a v i d J o n e s b a g c o n t a i n i n g an e l e c t r i c m a n g o slicer, a h a l f - p r i c e C h r i s t m a s t r e e , a n d a s e t o f c a r v i n g knives by a c o m p a n y it has never h e a r d of a n d c a n n o t p r o n o u n c e . A n d only $220 poorer.

X factor
Etymology and lexicography are fascinating subjects, dedicated to
understanding h o w language develops as it does, while offering fascinating insight into t h e way we speak and write today. Despite

c e n t u r i e s o f s t u d y , h o w e v e r , e m i n e n t l i n g u i s t s a r e a t a loss t o X p l a i n o n e t h i n g : w h y b o g a n s will p a y f o r a n y t h i n g w i t h t h e l e t t e r X in it. Like b a c k p a c k e r s t o a s p e r m b a n k , b o g a n s b e g a n t o g r a v i t a t e t o w a r d s any p r o d u c t w i t h a l a r g e ( o f t e n c o l o u r f u l ) ' X ' o n t h e p a c k a g i n g . T h e t r e n d was s l o w i n f o r m i n g . T h e b o g a n , w i t h its love of t X t - f r i e n d l y abbreviations - well b e f o r e t X t i n g Xisted e m b r a c e d X m a s , p o s s i b l y t h e first s t e p i n this p r o c e s s . A basic, secular w a y o f t a k i n g Jesus o u t o f J e s u s ' b i r t h d a y , X m a s s p o k e to t h e b o g a n n e e d for simplicity, even as they spent a great deal of t i m e decrying t h e political correctness g o n e m a d of a fictional nativity scene at a f i c t i o n a l s c h o o l b e i n g c a n c e l l e d in o r d e r to a v o i d o f f e n d i n g local t e r r o r i s t s . A r o u n d t h e s a m e t i m e , b o g a n f o r e b e a r s fell i n love w i t h INXS, a band whose simple, personalised numberplate-ready moniker s u g g e s t e d t h a t d e s p i t e t h e i r s t u n n i n g i n t e r n a t i o n a l success, t h e y simply arrived before their time. Soon, quick-thinking marketing t y p e s w e r e t h u m p i n g e v e r y p r o d u c t t h e y h a d w i t h a massive X . T h e X was closely l i n k e d t o X t r e m e n e s s , a n d d e s p i t e t h e f a c t t h a t t h e s e p r o d u c t s w e r e o f t e n X t r e m e l y shit, X t r e m e l y X p e n s i v e a n d X t r e m e l y unnecessary, b o g a n s a d o p t e d t h e m i n d r o v e s . W h e n Pepsi w a n t e d t o sell d i e t Pepsi t o b o g a n males, i t l a b e l l e d i t Pepsi M A X . Porn w a s n ' t p r o p e r p o r n unless i t was X X X . S i m o n C o w e l l realised t h a t P o p I d o l w a s shit, s o m a d e i t a g a i n a n d c a l l e d i t X-Factor, a n d c o n q u e r e d t h e UK. F u n c t i o n a l w a t e r a b s o l u t e l y h a d t o have a v a r i e t y c a l l e d X X X . H o l l y w o o d X e c u t i v e s also m o v e d in. T h e y c r e a t e d t h e X-Files t o f a n t h e f l a m e s o f b o g a n c o n s p i r a c y theories. They t h e n s k i p p e d a w h o l e bunch of steps in t h e creative process - including plot, character and script - and did t w o

t h i n g s : h i r e d Vin Diesel a n d m a d e a f i l m c a l l e d X X X , s e c u r e i n t h e k n o w l e d g e t h a t b o g a n s w o u l d f l o c k t o see a f i l m w i t h t h a t m a n y Xs. T h a t t h e f i l m c o n t a i n e d z e r o f a u x - l e s b i a n i s m (this X , b e i n g silent, is incidentally confusing to t h e bogan) was only ameliorated by a scene i n v o l v i n g Diesel s n o w b o a r d i n g faster t h a n a n a v a l a n c h e , j u s t like t h e y w o u l d e x p e c t t o see i n t h e X - g a m e s . Bogans soon began inserting the letter X into names that it had no place b e i n g in in t h e first place, p u m p i n g o u t J a x o n a f t e r S a x o n . T h e b o g a n has y e t t o d i s c o v e r t h e X X , a l t h o u g h i t can't be long now. Also, after creating so many new Xisting new generation bogans, the older bogan - some from generation X o f t e n realises t h a t t h e r e is o n e X it c a n ' t s t a n d . Its X - h u s b a n d . Or the X-chromosome.

SAAS-speak
In da earli dayz of digital mobile telephony, it wuz devised dat HI
c h u n k s of d a t a c o u l d b r e g u l a r l y t r a n s m i t t e d az t e s t signals f r o m p h o n e s 2 t o w e r s 2 rfrsh i n f o . An e x a m p l e of this is da 'cell i n f o d i s p l a y ' f n c t n , w h i c h tells u w h a t t o w n or s u b u r b ur in @ ne g i v n t i m e . Cuz t h e s e t e s t signals o n l y g e t f i r e d t h r u w e n t h e r e ' s s p a r e capacity in da ntwrk, they effectively cre8 no xtra d e m a n d or bottlenex. LOL, O M G , WTF, BRB, I M H O , S U M 1 , SXE. It w u z also realised in da 9 0 s d a t d e r e m i g h t b a c o m m e r c i a l a p p l i c a t i o n 4 this t e s t s i g n a l , i n d a f o r m o f t e x t m s g s b t w n users. T h e r e w u z a n e n g i n e e r i n g l i m i t o f 1 6 0 characters i n d a s i g n a l , s o d a t b e c a m e d a size o f a t e x t m s g . A s i t t u r n s o u t , d a b o g a n i s d e e p l y i n < 3 w i t t h e S M S . Bcuz d a b o g a n rarely has n e t i n g s u b t l e or n u a n c e d 2 say, 160 c h a r a c t e r s is a l m o s t always e n u f , unless da

b o g a n in q u e s t i o n is a 16-yr-old girl w h o e n t e r s her i l l e g i b l e s t r e a m of consciousness i n 2 her k e y p a d f o r m i n s @ a t i m e . 2 M R W , G T G , PMSL, L8R, G R 8 , TTYL, W K N D . D a o t h r b i g t i n g d a t b o g a n s hav g a i n e d f r m S M S i s S M S - s p e a k . T i r e d o f b e i n t o l d d a t i t c a n t s p e l l , t h e b o g a n has c r 8 e d a n e l a b o r 8 system o f space saving r e m i x d x t r e m e w o r d s , d a t a l l o w i t 2 f i t m o r e i n a n e b a b b l e in2 160 c h a r a c t e r s . Bcuz all o f d a w o r d s r w r o n g , d a b o g a n c n p r o j e c t its a p t i t u d e f o r p l @ i t u d e a s ' @ i t u d e ' . T h e s e c o m m u n i q u e s cre8 a t i m e - c o n s u m i n g and frustr8ing d e c r y p t i o n task 4 ne u n f o r t u n 8 n o n - b o g a n r e c i p i e n t s . A F A I K , N E 1 , PLZ, ROFL, L M A O , 2 N I T E . In da s a m e w a y d a t a b o g a n is p r o n e 2 u p d a t i n g its fb status m a n y t i m e s p e r d a y 2 b r o a d c a s t d a m i n u t i a e o f its e x i s t e n c e , i t can b c o m e h o p e l e s s l y h o o k e d o n S M S . M a n y b o g a n s will p u m p out thousands of msgs per m o n t h , wit a total a m o u n t of substance c o m p a r a b l e 2 a p i e c e of navel lint. G l o b a l l y , 4.1 t r i l l i o n S M S m s g s were sent in 08, billions of these by and 2 bogans. Da p h o n e c o m p a n i e s , meanwhile, harvest hundreds of millions of $z f r o m this c o m p u l s i o n . As m e n t i o n e d earlier, da t e l c o s n e e d 2 invest in 0 a d d i t i o n a l i n f r a s t r u c t u r e 2 e a r n m o u n t a i n s of b o g a n S M S $z. It's basically a financial c o l o s t o m y b a g , l i n k i n g da b o g a n ' s p h o n e & w a l l e t p o c k e t s , & t r a n s m i t t i n g da $z b a c k 2 HQ in a p a c k e t of t e s t d a t a o f 160 d i g i t s o r less. T h E n , ThErE r P r E m l u M S M S SeRvlcEs. O M F G .

English translation for the non-bogan

In t h e early days o f d i g i t a l

m o b i l e t e l e p h o n y , i t was d e v i s e d t h a t small c h u n k s o f d a t a c o u l d b e r e g u l a r l y t r a n s m i t t e d a s t e s t signals f r o m p h o n e s t o t o w e r s t o refresh i n f o r m a t i o n . A n e x a m p l e o f t h i s i s t h e 'cell i n f o d i s p l a y '

f u n c t i o n , w h i c h t e l l s y o u w h a t t o w n o r s u b u r b y o u ' r e i n a t any g i v e n t i m e . Because t h e s e t e s t signals o n l y g e t f i r e d t h r o u g h w h e n there's spare capacity in t h e network, they effectively create no extra d e m a n d or bottlenecks. Laugh out loud, oh my god, what the fuck, be right back, in my humble opinon, someone, sexy.

It was also realised in t h e 1990s t h a t t h e r e m i g h t be a c o m m e r c i a l application for this test signal, in the f o r m of text messages b e t w e e n users. T h e r e w a s a n e n g i n e e r i n g l i m i t o f 160 c h a r a c t e r s i n t h e s i g n a l , s o t h a t b e c a m e t h e size o f a t e x t m e s s a g e . A s i t t u r n s o u t , t h e b o g a n is d e e p l y in love w i t h SMS. Because t h e b o g a n rarely has a n y t h i n g s u b t l e or n u a n c e d to say, 160 c h a r a c t e r s is a l m o s t always e n o u g h , unless t h e b o g a n in q u e s t i o n is a 16-yearo l d girl w h o e n t e r s her i l l e g i b l e s t r e a m o f consciousness i n t o her keypad for minutes at a t i m e . Tomorrow, to you later, got to go, pissing myself laughing, later, great, talk

weekend.

T h e o t h e r b i g t h i n g t h a t b o g a n s have g a i n e d f r o m SMS i s S M S s p e a k . T i r e d o f b e i n g t o l d t h a t i t c a n ' t s p e l l , t h e b o g a n has c r e a t e d a n e l a b o r a t e s y s t e m o f s p a c e saving r e m i x e d x t r e m e w o r d s t h a t allow it to fit m o r e inane b a b b l e into 160 characters. Because all o f t h e w o r d s are w r o n g , t h e b o g a n c a n p r o j e c t its a p t i t u d e for platitude as ' a t t i t u d e ' . These c o m m u n i q u e s create a t i m e c o n s u m i n g a n d f r u s t r a t i n g d e c r y p t i o n t a s k f o r any u n f o r t u n a t e n o n - b o g a n recipients. As far as laughing my I know, arse off, anyone, tonight. please, rolling on the floor laughing,

In t h e s a m e w a y t h a t a b o g a n is p r o n e to u p d a t i n g its Facebook status many times per day to broadcast t h e minutiae

o f its e x i s t e n c e , i t can b e c o m e h o p e l e s s l y h o o k e d o n S M S . M a n y b o g a n s will p u m p o u t t h o u s a n d s o f m e s s a g e s p e r m o n t h , w i t h a t o t a l a m o u n t o f s u b s t a n c e c o m p a r a b l e t o a p i e c e o f navel lint. G l o b a l l y , 4.1 t r i l l i o n S M S m e s s a g e s w e r e s e n t i n 2 0 0 8 , b i l l i o n s of these by and to bogans. The phone companies, meanwhile, harvest h u n d r e d s o f m i l l i o n s o f d o l l a r s f r o m this c o m p u l s i o n . A s m e n t i o n e d earlier, t h e t e l c o s n e e d t o i n v e s t i n z e r o a d d i t i o n a l i n f r a s t r u c t u r e t o e a r n m o u n t a i n s o f b o g a n S M S b u c k s . It's basically a financial c o l o s t o m y b a g , l i n k i n g t h e b o g a n ' s p h o n e a n d w a l l e t pockets, and transmitting t h e dollars back to HQ in a packet of t e s t d a t a o f 160 d i g i t s o r less. T h e n , t h e r e are p r e m i u m SMS services. O h m y f u c k i n g g o d .

Tiffany & Co.

The female bogan will tell you that it likes Tiffany & Co. jewellery. It
i s lying t o y o u . I n a n e l a b o r a t e a n d costly a t t e m p t t o c o n c e a l this lie, i t will s p e n d m a n y h u n d r e d s o f d o l l a r s o n Tiffany p r o d u c t s . I n a final act o f m a s o c h i s m , t h e b o g a n will c l e n c h its t e e t h a n d w e a r its Tiffany j e w e l l e r y e v e r y day. S o w h y d o e s t h e b o g a n cause itself this m u c h pain? Let's i n v e s t i g a t e . I n N o v e m b e r 2 0 0 9 , T i f f a n y & C o . o p e n e d a n e w retail s t o r e at Melbourne's upmarket bogan-magnet, Chadstone shopping c o m p l e x . T h e b o g a n i s always t e m p t e d t o g o t o t h e s e h i g h - p r o f i l e e v e n t s . M a y b e t h e r e w o u l d b e classy c e l e b r i t i e s t h e r e , like Bee H e w i t t . T h e f e m m e - b o g u e has f o l l o w e d t h e H e w i t t s ' s t o r y b o o k r o m a n c e via t h e t r a s h m e d i a K r a k e n , a n d o n e o f t h e m o s t b e a u t i f u l a n d t o u c h i n g parts was w h e n L l e y t o n g a v e Bee a $ 2 0 0 , 0 0 0 Tiffany's e n g a g e m e n t ring. The female bogan's admiration for fine couture a n d l u x u r y g o o d s i s w e l l k n o w n , a n d C h a d s t o n e has all t h e Sex

and the City-approved s t o r e s , i n c l u d i n g

Louis V u i t t o n , G u c c i a n d

J i m m y C h o o . W h a t ' s also w e l l k n o w n i s t h e b o g a n ' s a b i l i t y t o f i g h t through the throngs and storm the doors. W e l l , usually. This t i m e , t h e f e m m e - b o g u e sees s o m e t h i n g t h a t s t o p s it in its tracks. T h e r e is a line o u t s i d e t h e Tiffany d o o r s , a n d n o t any j u s t any o r d i n a r y line. A line w i t h a v e l v e t r o p e . T h e b o g a n j o i n s t h e line a n d e x c i t e d l y awaits t h e t r e a s u r e s w i t h i n t h e s t o r e . A f t e r w a i t i n g f o r w h a t s e e m s like hours a n d s e n d i n g a b o u t 7 0 0 0 t e x t messages, the b o g a n is n o d d e d t h r o u g h the doors by an exquisitely s u i t e d m a n . H a v i n g to w a i t in a classy a n d exclusive line g e n e r a l l y o n l y h a p p e n s o u t s i d e o f a n i g h t c l u b , a n d t h e b o g a n f e e l s itself t i p p i n g i n t o s p e n d i n g o v e r d r i v e . Its c r e d i t c a r d q u i v e r s i n fear. Inside, t h e b o g a n e x a m i n e s t h e shiny, e x p e n s i v e t h i n g s . T h e p r o b l e m f o r t h e b o g a n i s t h a t m o s t o f t h e m d o n ' t really l o o k t h e w a y t h e y s h o u l d . T h e p i e c e s are t o o s u b t l e , t o o classic. T h e f e m m e - b o g u e ' s initial e l a t i o n at e n t e r i n g such a classy p l a c e has turned to rage. W h y spend $5500 on a square linked white g o l d n e c k l a c e , i f s o m e o n e f i v e m e t r e s a w a y c a n ' t clearly see h o w classy it is? T h e b o g a n ' s c r a v i n g f o r p u b l i c r e c o g n i t i o n of its l u x u r y status must be f e d . W h e n t h e b o g a n is leaving t h e s t o r e , it is c o n s p i c u o u s l y s w i n g i n g a b l u e Tiffany & C o . s h o p p i n g b a g . A f t e r s e l e c t i n g an e x t r a large b r a c e l e t w i t h a h e a r t s h a p e d silver t a g o n it, s a y i n g : 'Please R e t u r n t o Tiffany & C o . N e w York'. N o w e v e r y o n e will k n o w h o w t a s t e f u l t h e b o g a n is. O f c o u r s e , a s w i t h all luxury g o o d s , t h e b o g a n o n l y w a n t s m o r e . A n d t h e f e m m e - b o g u e loves b u y i n g j e w e l l e r y s o m u c h , i t e v e n buys m i n i a t u r e j e w e l l e r y t o f o r m i n t o w e a r a b l e m e t a j e w e l l e r y . O n its n e x t visit t o t h e s t o r e , t h e b o g a n i s likely t o see t h e Tiffany &

C o . s h o p p i n g b a g c h a r m , w i t h e n a m e l finish i n s t e r l i n g silver. For j u s t $ 2 8 5 , t h e b o g a n will b e a b l e t o w e a r a s j e w e l l e r y , a h o m a g e t o s h o p p i n g f o r j e w e l l e r y . This will c r e a t e a s e m a n t i c v o r t e x f r o m w h i c h i t will never e m e r g e .

The third dimension

Avatar has made $2.7 billion at the global box office. It stands to
r e a s o n t h a t a t least $ 2 . 6 5 b i l l i o n o f t h a t has c o m e d i r e c t l y f r o m bogans' fraying surf-branded wallets. While there is no d o u b t t h a t t h e film's p r e t e n c e o f t a k i n g care o f p r i m i t i v e natives b y n o t b l o w i n g t h e m up allows t h e b o g a n to feel c o s m o p o l i t a n , w h a t it f i n d s really a p p e a l i n g i s massive b l u e alien s i d e b o o b . S i d e b o o b t h a t can n o w b e seen I N 3 D ! M o r e o v e r , C o r e y W o r t h i n g t o n ' s b r o t h e r J a k e Sully was busily saving t h e natives o n t h e b o g a n s ' behalf IN 3 D ! A one dimensional actor IN 3 D ! 3 D ! has r e v o l u t i o n i s e d t h e f i l m i n d u s t r y , j u s t a s i t h a s r e v o l u t i o n i s e d t h e a m o u n t t h e b o g a n i s w i l l i n g t o pay f o r its plasma s c r e e n I N 3 D ! W h i l e t h e b o g a n k n o w s i t likes its massive cans i n D D , a d d i n g a t h i r d D creates T H E T H I R D D I M E N S I O N ! I N 3 D ! T h e b o g a n can n o w pay m o r e t o w a t c h t h e same film, b u t e m e r g e dazed and with a n i g g l i n g , persistent headache that will take a n u m b e r o f h o u r s t o fully resolve I N 3 D ! T h e p l a s m a s c r e e n w i t h b u i l t - i n 3 D ! allows t h e m a n u f a c t u r e r t o c h a r g e t h e b o g a n a m e t r i c u n d e r b e l l y - g u t l o a d o f e x t r a cash f o r a T V t h a t t h e n lets t h e b o g a n run t h e risk o f c a u s i n g m a x t r e m e epilepsy - which, to t h e b o g a n , is the ultimate spurious allergy I N 3 D ! S a m s u n g i s t h e first c o m p a n y t o retail 3 D ! t e l e v i s i o n s i n A u s t r a l i a , a n d t h e $ 1 0 0 0 + p r i c e p r e m i u m m e a n s t h a t t h e b o g a n will r e q u i r e a 3 D ! c r e d i t c a r d d e b t t o o w n its m a x i n t e n s e h o m e t h e a t r e

e x p e r i e n c e . S a m s u n g has also o f f e r e d t h e b o g a n t h e c h a n c e t o p o w e r u p its f a c e , i n p r e p a r a t i o n f o r t h e m a x t r e m e d i m e n s i o n a l onslaught that watching Under, Over and Around Belly in 3 D ! will

p r o v i d e , b y w e a r i n g 3 D ! glasses w i t h a p o w e r b u t t o n I N 3 D ! Yes, y o u h e a r d r i g h t , Underbelly will c o m e i n 3 D ! i n 2 0 1 1 . T h e b o g a n has l o n g f e l t a d e e p p e r s o n a l affiliation w i t h Underbelly, a n d in 2 0 1 1 it will finally be i m m e r s e d in a m a e l s t r o m of b o o b s , b u l l e t s a n d b o d y b a g s I N 3 D ! This n e w level o f i n t i m a c y w i l l p r o m p t t h e b o g a n t o refer t o Underbelly characters b y t h e i r first n a m e s , a n d any b o g a n w h o has d o n e a s h o r t c o u r s e i n p h o t o g r a p h y will b e i n h o t d e m a n d t o p h o t o g r a p h o t h e r b o g a n s i n t h e m i d s t o f t h e cast I N 3 D ! W i t h this n e w l y r a b i d desire t o m a x o u t t h e d i m e n s i o n s i t exists i n , t h e N i n e N e t w o r k i s also p a y i n g $ 1 0 , 0 0 0 , 0 0 0 t o b r i n g o u t an A m e r i c a n camera crew to film t h e NRL State of O r i g i n g a m e I N 3 D ! This w i l l b e t h e first t i m e t h e b o g a n can t e l l o t h e r b o g a n s to f u c k off b e c a u s e its s t a t e is full IN 3 D ! It is u n d e r s t o o d t h a t M a x Markson is currently e x p l o r i n g t h e legal ramifications of e n g i n e e r i n g a sex s c a n d a l p e r p e t r a t e d by a d i m e n s i o n .

Cross promotions
Despite its serene and benevolent exterior, the bogan is a seething
pit of h a t r e d . It despises t h e task of fact c h e c k i n g , it reviles i n d e p e n d e n t i n f o r m a t i o n sources. A n d i t i s d o w n r i g h t d i s g u s t e d b y any s m a r t a r s e w h o c l a i m s t o have f i g u r e d o u t a n y t h i n g t h a t t h e b o g a n has n o t . A s a r e s u l t , t h e b o g a n i s f e r t i l e g r o u n d f o r an elaborate w e b of c o r p o r a t e cross-promoting that it remains e n t i r e l y o b l i v i o u s t o . This p l e a s e t h t h e m a r k e t e r . T h e b o g a n e l e c t s t o s n u g g l e itself e n t i r e l y w i t h i n t h e w i l l i n g arms o f t h r e e c o m m e r c i a l T V s t a t i o n s , o n e N e w s L i m i t e d o n l i n e

portal, and one News Limited print newspaper. Never leaving the advertising matrix for a m o m e n t , the bogan develops a s e l f - c o n c e p t t h a t i s i n e x t r i c a b l y l i n k e d t o t h e p r o d u c t s t h a t are p i t c h e d a t its a g e , g e n d e r , a n d a s p i r a t i o n a l s e g m e n t . T h e b o g a n ' s e g o s k y r o c k e t s w h e n i t purchases w h a t i t i s t o l d t o , b u t w h e n i t purchases a p r o d u c t w i t h more than one b r a n d i n g , t h e maths e n t e r s t h e realm o f q u a n t u m b o g a n i c s . A c r o s s - p r o m o t i o n b e t w e e n any t w o t h i n g s t h a t t h e b o g a n likes i s e n o r m o u s l y s o o t h i n g t o t h e b o g a n , o f f e r i n g i t a s y n c h r o n i s e d a n d seamless w a y t o d i s p o s e o f all o f its available dollars a n d h o u r s , a l o n g w i t h s o m e t h a t s h o u l d n ' t b e available a t all. T h e m a r k e t e r ' s a b i l i t y t o install n e w t h i n g s t h a t b o g a n s like via cross p r o m o t i o n i s a b o u t t h e b e s t w a y t o o v e r c o m e t h e b o g a n ' s d i s t r u s t of c h a n g e . G o t a car r a c i n g f o r m a t t h a t is s t r u g g l i n g in a c r o w d e d m a r k e t p l a c e ? G e t Pink t o g y r a t e i n a T V a d f o r it. Trying t o e n d e a r a t u r g i d n e w R'n'B c h a n t e u s e t o t h e b o g a n m a r k e t ? P r o m o t e it on Video Hits by o f f e r i n g a prize of a m a x o b n o x i o u s s t e r e o s y s t e m f r o m Sony t h a t t h e b o g a n a l r e a d y w a n t s . All of this purchasing of r e l a t e d items is likely to m a k e t h e b o g a n hungry, a n d w h e n i t marches its b r o o d d o w n t o M c D o n a l d ' s , t h e bogan's children d e m a n d a H a p p y Meal, which is subsidised by t h e Disney c o r p o r a t i o n via w h a t e v e r Pixar is p e d d l i n g t h e s e s c h o o l h o l i d a y s . F i g u r i n e i n h a n d , t h e c h i l d d e m a n d s t o see t h e m o v i e , t h e c e l e b s c o o p f o r w h i c h t h e b o g a n saw o n t h e Today s h o w t h e p r e v i o u s w e e k . O r a n g e plasticine p u p p e t Richard W i l k i n s also t o l d t h e b o g a n a b o u t t h e latest Underbelly cast exclusive in Woman's

Day m a g a z i n e , w h i c h f e a t u r e s s h o c k s n a p s o f a N i n e N e t w o r k p e r s o n a l i t y e a t i n g M c D o n a l d ' s w i t h a n e w lover. A l l o f this f r e n e t i c g o s s i p - d i s c o v e r i n g has m a d e t h e b o g a n hungry.

GASTRONOMY

Massive cans
Ever since energy drinks caught the bogan's eye at about the turn
o f t h e c e n t u r y , t h e C o c a - C o l a c o m p a n y has w a n t e d i n . B r a n d s like R e d Bull a n d V h a d f i g u r e d o u t h o w t o r e d u c e t h e can size by a t h i r d , p u t m o r e caffeine i n , a n d c h a r g e t w i c e as m u c h . This is c o m m o n l y referred to as 'marketing genius'. Due to their uncharacteristically p o o r understanding of the Things Bogans Like, C o c a - C o l a ' s a t t e m p t t o g a i n t r a c t i o n i n t h i s l u c r a t i v e area f a i l e d again a n d a g a i n . First c a m e 'Lift Plus' in 2 0 0 0 , w h i c h was a s p i n - o f f o f a n e s t a b l i s h e d b r a n d , p u t i n t o a slim c a n . This d i d n ' t sell w e l l , s o t h e y d e c i d e d t o d o t h e e x a c t s a m e t h i n g a c o u p l e o f years later, b u t call i t ' S p r i t e R e c h a r g e ' . Unsurprisingly, t h e b o g a n remained u n m o v e d . The c o m p a n y then launched 'Burn' in 2003, a slim 2 5 0 m l b e v e r a g e w i t h m i n i m a l x t r e m e n e s s . Fail. In 2007, evidence e m e r g e d that Coca-Cola's inept marketing d e p a r t m e n t was g e t t i n g closer to understanding t h e b o g a n . A c c o m p a n i e d by a $15 m i l l i o n a d v e r t i s i n g c a m p a i g n , t h e y l a u n c h e d ' M o t h e r ' . T h e can w a s c o v e r e d i n t r i b a l t a t t o o s , h a d a n a g g r e s s i v e font, and the name of the product allowed the bogan to make e n d l e s s j o k e s such a s ' I ' v e g o t y o u r m o t h e r i n m y m o u t h L O L ' . D e s p i t e t h e s e i m p r o v i n g lures, t h e b o g a n d i d n o t like t h e t a s t e , a n d t h e r e was still s o m e t h i n g m i s s i n g . I t f a i l e d . The next p r o d u c t launch w o r k e d , even t h o u g h they only repackaged the M o t h e r brand. Why? They reverted the taste to o n e o f t h e i r p r e v i o u s unsuccessful a t t e m p t s , a n d k e p t t h e t a t t o o e d a g g r e s s i v e can d e s i g n . T h e y s l i g h t l y u p p e d t h e o b n o x i o u s n e s s o f t h e r h e t o r i c , i n c l u d i n g phrases such a s ' o u r l a m e legal g u y s m a d e u s w a r n y o u ' , w h i c h a p p e a l s t o t h e b o g a n ' s d e s i r e t o f e e l like i t can a n d d o e s b r e a k all t h e rules. B u t this p a l e d i n t o i n s i g n i f i c a n c e

i n c o m p a r i s o n w i t h t h e t r u e reason t h e b o g a n s u d d e n l y e m b r a c e d M o t h e r . C o k e d o u b l e d t h e size o f t h e can t o a h u l k i n g 5 0 0 m l . A t t h e e n d o f t h e day, all t h e b o g a n w a n t s i s t h e w i d e s t TV, t h e l o u d e s t c l o t h e s , t h e f a s t e s t j e t ski a n d t h e b i g g e s t b i c e p s . T h e b o g a n love o f m a x t r e m i t y m e a n s t h a t t h e q u a l i t y o f a p r o d u c t a n d w h a t i t d o e s m e a n n o t h i n g c o m p a r e d t o w h e t h e r i t i s e i t h e r (a) b i g g e r t h a n its n e i g h b o u r s o r (b) p r o v i d e s t h e b o g a n e q u i v a l e n t of value for money. C o c a - C o l a c o u l d t h e n r e s t easy, k n o w i n g t h a t t h e r e w e r e thousands of bogans walking t h e streets f i n g e r i n g an oversized m o t h e r . I n d e e d , it has b e e n so successful t h a t b o t h V a n d Red Bull have l a u n c h e d l a r g e r cans t o d e f e n d t h e i r m a r k e t share. S p e a k i n g o f massive cans, b o g a n s love e n o r m o u s breasts, t o o .

Mexican beer
We've already dealt with the fact that the bogan enjoys beers
t h a t are b r e w e d h e r e b u t l a b e l l e d a s f o r e i g n t o g i v e t h e f i c t i o n a l i m p r i m a t u r o f i n t e r n a t i o n a l c o o l . T h e b o g a n , h o w e v e r , i s entirely, blissfully u n a w a r e t h a t t h e r e p a c k a g e d C r o w n Lager i t i s d r i n k i n g i s A u s t r a l i a n m a d e . T h u s , i t has n o real n e e d t o b e d i s c e r n i n g w h e n it comes to alcohol, b e y o n d that fact that the beer must b e f r o m a n o t h e r c o u n t r y . This c o n v e n i e n t l y e x p l a i n s w h y t h e o n l y g e n u i n e l y f o r e i g n b e e r t h e b o g a n d r i n k s t a s t e s like cat's piss, a n d r e q u i r e s c i t r u s - b a s e d assistance t o e n t e r t h e n e b u l o u s r e a l m o f 'drinkable'. M e x i c a n s c a n n o t g i v e t h e i r e n t r y level b e e r a w a y fast e n o u g h i n t h e i r n a t i v e l a n d . H a v i n g realised s o m e t i m e a g o t h a t b o g a n s are s t u p i d , h o w e v e r , t h e y b e g a n e x p o r t i n g t h e i r swill t o A u s t r a l i a a t p r e m i u m prices. A t v e l v e t - r o p e d leisure v e n u e s a r o u n d A u s t r a l i a ,

C o r o n a can sell f o r as m u c h as $9 a b o t t l e . Back h o m e in M e x i c o , t h e s a m e p r o d u c t will sell f o r $ 1 4 p e r case, or u n d e r $2 each at a licensed venue. Drinking a pale, watery version of beer s o m e h o w confers cultural c a c h e t o n t o t h e b o g a n , purely because it is s o u r c e d f r o m a Latin A m e r i c a n c o u n t r y w i t h m a n y p o o r p e o p l e . W h e n t h e b o g a n orders a Corona or Sol, t h e b a r t e n d e r simply assumes t h a t i t w o u l d r e q u i r e a slice o f l i m e . O r i g i n a l l y , t h e b o g a n i n s e r t e d a slice o f l e m o n i n t o t h e i r c o l o u r l e s s liquor, b u t i t r a p i d l y b e c a m e clear t h a t this only m a d e t h e beer taste w o r s e . T h e p r e s e n c e of citrus itself has b e e n h u g e l y successful in a t t r a c t i n g t h e f e m a l e b o g a n t o beer, a task p r e v i o u s l y t h o u g h t t o b e b e y o n d t h e capacity of mortal m a n . By placing a tart piece of fruit on t h e r i m o f t h e b o t t l e , t h e d r i n k n o w attains t h e a p p e a r a n c e , a n d h e n c e t h e status, of a c o c k t a i l . M e x i c a n b e e r is c o o l . The M e x i c a n b e e r t h e b o g a n is d r i n k i n g also m a t c h e s t h e t - s h i r t t h e b o g a n i s w e a r i n g , w h i c h has a M e x i c a n l o c a t i o n a n d a d a t e o n i t w h i c h s t r a n g e l y links t h e b o g a n t o t h e s h o o t i n g o f Emiliano Zapata. The b o g a n is unaware of t h e significance of t h e n u m b e r s a n d l e t t e r s on its shirt, b u t any s h a m e in this is u n r e l a t e d t o i t t e a r i n g o f f its shirt a f t e r 1 5 M e x i c a n b e e r s , a n d c o m m e n c i n g a glassing j o u s t o n t h e f o o t p a t h o u t s i d e .

Manly diet cola

The female bogan has long been very interested in not being fat,
a n d e n g a g e d i n v a r i o u s f a d d i e t s , f l e e t i n g exercise r e g i m e n s a n d superstitions, with the h o p e of attaining t h e physique of whichever starlet Richard W i l k i n s was p o l l u t i n g t h a t w e e k . T h e m a l e b o g a n , m e a n w h i l e , was t e n b l o c k s u p t h e r o a d , w o l f i n g d o w n b e e r a n d KFC at Shano's h o u s e .

So t o o was there a gulf b e t w e e n h o w t h e male a n d female b o g a n felt a b o u t diet cola. The female b o g a n e m b r a c e d it w i t h g u s t o f r o m t h e o u t s e t , g l a d t o have a n i m a g e c o n s c i o u s m e t h o d o f c a r b o o f f s e t t i n g t h e n u t r i t i o n a l villainy o f fast f o o d . T h e m a l e b o g a n s t a u n c h l y resisted all a t t e m p t s t o g e t i t t o d r i n k d i e t cola. T h e i d e a o f b e i n g o n a d i e t m a d e i t f e e l faulty, d i s e m p o w e r e d , a n d f e m i n i n e . A l l o f t h e s e f e e l i n g s w e r e horrific b e y o n d w o r d s t o t h e a l p h a b o g a n , w h i c h p r i d e d itself o n b e i n g m a n l y a n d t o u g h t o t h e max. T h a n k f u l l y , Pepsi h a d a n ear t o t h e g r o u n d d u r i n g t h e m a l e b o g a n ' s e x i s t e n t i a l crisis. In D e c e m b e r 1 9 9 4 , it g a v e t h e m a l e a c h a n c e t o b e o n a s e c r e t d i e t w h i l e p r o p p i n g u p its p a p e r - t h i n s e l f - e s t e e m . . . t o t h e M A X . T h e p a c k a g i n g was x t r e m e , t h e can was black instead of w i m p y girly white/silver, and t h e f o n t was aggressive. All of t h e elements were in place for t h e e m e r g i n g p r o d u c t c a t e g o r y o f ' m a x t r e m e m a l e d i e t c o l a ' . Pepsi M a x e v e n s p o n s o r e d t h e fastest r o l l e r c o a s t e r i n t h e w o r l d , t o p r o v e b e y o n d d o u b t t h a t t h e d r i n k was s u p e r x t r e m e . T h e y f a i l e d t o m e n t i o n t o t h e b o g a n t h a t i t d i d n o t d i f f e r i n any m e a n i n g f u l w a y f r o m D i e t P e p s i , a n d t h e m a l e b o g a n was g l a d n o t t o hear it. A f t e r a d e c a d e o f g r a d u a l p r o g r e s s , Pepsi M a x was d o i n g w e l l . C o c a - C o l a l o o k e d across a n d r e m a r k e d , ' W e t o o m u s t m a k e o u r cola m a x t r e m e f o r t h e b o g a n ' . I n early 2 0 0 6 , C o c a - C o l a A u s t r a l i a l a u n c h e d a disastrously naive i n t e r n e t viral c a m p a i g n c a l l e d ' T h e Z e r o M o v e m e n t ' w h i c h i t h o p e d w o u l d c o n v i n c e y o u n g p e o p l e via street p o s t e r s , w e b s i t e s , m a n i f e s t o s , a n d s t u p i d i m p r a c t i c a l slogans t h a t t h e y s h o u l d b e c o m e m o r e x t r e m e . T h e i r b i g g e s t f a i l u r e since n o t m a k i n g M o t h e r x t r e m e f o r t h e b o g a n , t h e c a m p a i g n was s o o n c a n n e d . T h e y t h e n g o t b a c k t o m a r k e t i n g t h e p r o d u c t itself, r a t h e r

than some idiotic notion of underground revolution, and it d i d quite w e l l t o e m e r g e f r o m Pepsi Max's s l i p s t r e a m . C o k e Z e r o also h a d t h e black l a b e l , r o b u s t f o n t a n d n o t i o n o f manliness t h a t t h e m a l e b o g a n craves i n its s e c r e t d i e t s , a n d t h e w o r d ' Z e r o ' e v e n c o n t a i n s t h e second most bogan-cherished letter in t h e alphabet. This c h a l l e n g e f r o m C o c a - C o l a m a d e Pepsi s t e p u p i n 2 0 1 0 . Bus s t o p b i l l b o a r d s a r o u n d t h e c o u n t r y are c a r r y i n g t h e i r b l a c k p o s t e r a n n o u n c i n g 'HEY S U G A R , Y O U ' R E FIRED!' i n j a g g e d capital letters. I t helps t h e b o g a n m a l e t o f e e l a s t h o u g h its can o f Pepsi M a x allows i t t o t o t a l l y d o m i n a t e its w o r l d t o t h e x t r e m e . I t e v e n comes with just a sprinkling of old school g e n d e r misogyny that allows t h e male b o g a n to feel in charge of t h e bitch t h a t is t h e sucrose l a b o u r f o r c e as it sips on its pissy d i e t c o l a .

Sushi
The bogan is xtremely wary of all things foreign. Refugees taking
its j o b . Terrorists b l o w i n g u p its local W e s t f i e l d m e g a - m a l l . F o r e i g n i n v e s t o r s b u y i n g its M c M a n s i o n s . A s i a n p e o p l e s e c r e t l y p u t t i n g cats a n d w h a l e s i n its b e e f a n d b l a c k b e a n . But, b e a c o n o f c u l t u r e a n d t o l e r a n c e t h a t t h e b o g a n is, i t has a l l o w e d a s e l e c t f e w pieces o f i n t e r n a t i o n a l cuisine t o p e n e t r a t e its f o r e i g n f o o d f o r c e f i e l d . O n e such dish is sushi. For years, t h e b o g a n f e a r e d - or s i m p l y d i d n o t k n o w a b o u t - s u s h i . Sushi b a r s a n d o t h e r A s i a n s t y l e e a t e r i e s w e r e p o p p i n g u p i n t h e b o g a n ' s local s h o p p i n g c e n t r e f o o d c o u r t , but their exotic origins made the b o g a n uncomfortable and p r o v i d e d p r o o f of the 'Asian invasion' it had heard a b o u t f r o m reputable t a b l o i d television sources. The b o g a n a v o i d e d t h e s e places in a s h o w of n a t i o n a l s o l i d a r i t y , c o n t i n u i n g its vast c o n s u m p t i o n o f M c D o n a l d ' s a n d KFC.

B u t t h a t all c h a n g e d f o l l o w i n g a m e e t i n g b e t w e e n p o w e r f u l J a p a n e s e e x e c u t i v e s , h i g h up in a T o k y o skyscraper, w h i c h s o u g h t t o a d d r e s s p o o r sushi sales i n A u s t r a l i a . A f t e r m u c h b o w i n g a n d b r o w f u r r o w i n g , i t w a s realised t h a t o n l y h i p s t e r s a n d J a p a n e s e t o u r i s t s w e r e e a t i n g sushi i n A u s t r a l i a . T h e y h a d c o m p l e t e l y m i s s e d the big spending, big eating, xenophobic but marketing-malleable m a s s - m a r k e t k n o w n a s t h e b o g a n . B u t h o w t o sell s t r a n g e f o r e i g n f o o d t o this t i g h t l y p a c k e d herd o f plain-palated conformists? T h e n o n e p a r t i c u l a r l y cynical m a r k e t i n g g e n i u s s u g g e s t e d , ' W h a t i f w e sell t h e C a l i f o r n i a roll i n A u s t r a l i a , a n d r e p l a c e t h e w a s a b i w i t h a m i l d , flavourless p a s t e , b u t still call it w a s a b i ? ' T h e California roll h a d b e e n i n v e n t e d by sushi chefs in California i n t h e 1970s t o m a k e t h e dish m o r e p a l a t a b l e for A m e r i c a n s , and t h e only strategy m o r e effective than creating an equivalent A u s t r a l i a n i s e d dish was t o retain t h e link t o A m e r i c a , w h e r e e v e r y t h i n g is b i g g e r a n d , t h e r e f o r e , b e t t e r . Because C a l i f o r n i a is w h e r e celebrities are, t h e association is taken by t h e b o g a n to be a celebrity endorsement. A n d the 'wasabi' provides an avenue f o r t h e b o g a n t o d e m o n s t r a t e its hardness w h i l e s i m u l t a n e o u s l y a l l o w i n g it to w a x nostalgic a b o u t f o r m e r Australian Idol c o n t e s t a n t Lee H a r d i n g ' s s o n g o f t h e s a m e n a m e .

Wine tours
The bogan does not like wine. Wine does not come in a ready-tod r i n k c a n , i t d o e s n o t r e q u i r e t h e a d d i t i o n o f f r u i t , g r a p e varieties have f o r e i g n s o u n d i n g n a m e s , a n d w i n e glasses are t e r r i b l e f o r g l a s s i n g f o l k . Unless t h e b o g a n has a s c e n d e d t o C a r e y - e s q u e h e i g h t s o f b o g a n i t y . T h e r e is, h o w e v e r , o n e e x c e p t i o n t o this rule . . . w i n e t o u r s . On a w i n e tour, t h e b o g a n is instantly t r a n s f o r m e d

i n t o a k n o w l e d g e a b l e a n d enthusiastic w i n e buff, a c o n n o i s s e u r of all t h i n g s v i t i c u l t u r a l , a r e g u l a r J a m e s Halliday. T h e t o u r starts early, d e p a r t i n g f r o m a s h o p p i n g c e n t r e c a r p a r k a t 8:00 a m , a n d r e s t r i c t e d t o any o f t h e six w i n e r i e s i n Australia t h a t t h e b o g a n has p r e v i o u s l y h e a r d of. H u n g o v e r a n d cranky f r o m t h e n i g h t b e f o r e ( d e s p i t e e x p l i c i t i n s t r u c t i o n s t o stay o f f t h e g r o g f o r a n i g h t ) , t h e b u s l o a d o f b o g a n s s t o p a t Macca's f o r a s a u s a g e - a n d e g g M c M u f f i n t o line t h e i r r e s p e c t i v e s t o m a c h s f o r t h e d a y a h e a d . T h r e e B e a m a n d c o l a s / v o d k a cruisers a n d a f e w choruses f r o m 'Sex o n Fire' later, t h e g r o u p arrives a t t h e first w i n e r y . A f t e r a q u i c k t o u r of t h e w i n e r y itself - in w h i c h t h e y r a p i d l y b e c o m e b o r e d a n d start asking ' W h e n d o w e g e t t o d r i n k w i n e ? ' - t h e restless h o r d e of b o g a n s d e s c e n d on t h e t a s t i n g r o o m like o n e - l e g g e d seagulls o n a b u r n t c h i p . G r e e d i l y s c a n n i n g t h e t a s t i n g n o t e s , t h e males i n t h e g r o u p i m m e d i a t e l y d e m a n d t o t a s t e t h e w i n e r y ' s r e s e r v e $ 1 0 0 2 0 0 1 shiraz (the o n e w i t h ' N O T FOR T A S T I N G ' w r i t t e n a f t e r it), w h i l e t h e f e m a l e s ask t h e e x a s p e r a t e d w i n e m a k e r if he m a k e s any M a r l b o r o u g h sav b l a n c . A n g r i l y s e t t l i n g f o r w i n e s actually available t o t a s t e , t h e m a l e b o g a n s t h e n try to o u t d o each other, carefully e x a m i n i n g their glasses, s t i c k i n g t h e i r noses ineffectually i n t o t h e i r glass a n d repeatedly swirling their w i n e until most of it ends up on their d e s i g n e r s i n g l e t s , t h e y search t h e i r l i m i t e d lexicons f o r a d j e c t i v e s in which to describe t h e wine. Having m a n a g e d to c o m e up with a f e w words ranging from 'fruity' to 'white' and 'red', the bogan sneaks a g l a n c e a t t h e b a c k o f t h e b o t t l e b e f o r e l o u d l y c o m m e n t i n g o n its ' y o u n g b o d y ' , ' m i n e r a l l y n o s e ' a n d ' h i n t o f c i n n a m o n ' . W h i l e this a r g u m e n t t a k e s p l a c e , t h e f e m a l e b o g a n s c h u c k l e conspiratorially with each other as they speak of how awful

c h a r d o n n a y is, i n t h e b e l i e f t h a t t h i s c o n f e r s t h e r e q u i s i t e level o f w i n e s n o b b e r y o n t o t h e m . This c o n t i n u e s until t h e s o m m e l i e r p o i n t s o u t t h a t t h e last t h r e e glasses t h e y each g l e e f u l l y p u t a w a y were t h e winery's three most recent vintages of chardonnay. After sampling the winery's entire range twice, the b o g a n refuses t o p u r c h a s e any w i n e . W h e n p o l i t e l y t o l d he's h a d e n o u g h , t h e b o g a n b e c o m e s a n g r y a n d u n s u c c e s s f u l l y t r i e s t o glass t h e sales staff. T h e b o g a n is n o t a d e p t at b r a n d i s h i n g a f l u t e d glass in anger, p r e f e r r i n g t h e p r e d i c t a b l e s q u a t n e s s o f t h e p i n t . R e m e m b e r i n g t h a t h e t h i n k s w i n e i s shit a n y w a y , t h e b o g a n retreats to t h e safety of t h e bus and t h e m o r e familiar taste of p r e m i x e d drinks and t h e soothing tones of Caleb Followill.

Krispy Kreme
While the bogan has used doughnuts to medicate its desire for
fat and sugar many times in t h e past, these w e r e just ordinary doughnuts. N o w a whole new world of bogan-style doughtnuts has o p e n e d u p . D i s p e n s i n g w i t h f l a v o u r i n f a v o u r o f k o n c e n t r a t e d s u g a r a n d f a t , i n m i d - 2 0 0 3 t h e A m e r i c a n k o m p a n y o p e n e d its first A u s t r a l i a n s t o r e i n Sydney. N o t available a n y w h e r e else, r u m o u r o f Krispy Kreme's a b i l i t y t o a t t a c h s u g a r t o t h e side o f t h e d o u g h n u t ran w i l d i n b o g a n circles. S o o n , J e t s t a r was f e r r y i n g t h o u s a n d s o f k a r r y - o n d o u g h n u t s p e r w e e k , a s i n t r e p i d b o g a n ants s c u t t l e d t h e i r e x o t i c t r e a t s b a c k t o nests a r o u n d A u s t r a l i a . A f t e r a p e r i o d o f e s t a b l i s h i n g b r a n d m y t h o l o g y i n t h e b o g a n p s y c h e , Krispy K r e m e was r e a d y f o r p h a s e t w o . On Thursday, 2 March 2006 at the hundreds of bogans QV retail komplex in long is snaking erratically central

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is desperate.

T h r e e h o u r s in a q u e u e f o r t h e possibility of a f r e e $3 d o u g h n u t . Few k o m p a n i e s have b e e n m o r e successful in m a n i p u l a t i n g b o g a n o m i c s t o t h e i r o w n e n d s . A s each b o g a n p r o u d l y m a r c h e d a w a y f r o m t h e k o u n t e r b e a r i n g its d o u g h n u t , Krispy K r e m e k n e w t h a t i t was t h e start o f a b e a u t i f u l r e l a t i o n s h i p . W h i l e t h e A m e r i c a n p a r e n t k o m p a n y has b e e n t r a d i n g very p o o r l y i n r e c e n t years, t h e A u s t r a l i a n b o g a n has a l m o s t s i n g l e - h a n d e d l y k e p t t h e o p e r a t i o n a f l o a t . Kanada's 1 8 s t o r e s have d w i n d l e d t o t h r e e , H o n g K o n g ' s s e v e n stores w e n t i n t o l i q u i d a t i o n i n 2 0 0 8 , a n d s t o r e n u m b e r s i n t h e U n i t e d States h a l v e d b e t w e e n 2 0 0 4 a n d 2 0 0 9 . B u t t h e b o g a n r e m a i n e d as f i r m as a d o u g h n u t - f i l l e d g u t kan r e m a i n . T h e r e are n o w 5 4 s t o r e s i n A u s t r a l i a , a n d rising. W h y d o e s t h e b o g a n like Krispy K r e m e s o m u c h ? W e l l , a p a r t f r o m the bogan-titillating branding and launch k a m p a i g n , the k o m p a n y has a l s o m a d e l i f e v e r y e a s y f o r t h e b o g a n . W h a t other k o m p a n y is kind e n o u g h to offer a 24-hour d o u g h n u t and watery koffee drive-through at Fountain Gate in Melbourne, and P e n r i t h i n S y d n e y ? A f t e r t h e launch o f t h e F o u n t a i n G a t e s t o r e , t h e r e w a s a b o g a n kar q u e u e 5 0 0 m e t r e s l o n g w h i c h h a d t o b e s o o t h e d b y local p o l i c e a n d s e c u r i t y g u a r d s t o a v o i d d o u g h n u t related glassings. But while a n e t w o r k of 54 franchised stores o f f e r e d r e a s o n a b l e b o g a n k o v e r a g e , t h e r e was m o r e t o d o . Krispy K r e m e successfully n e g o t i a t e d t o g e t its p r e m i u m p r i c e d d o u g h n u t s stocked at W o o l w o r t h s , a n d at selected petrol stations. N o w t h e

b o g a n w o u l d never b e d e n i e d its k o n s t i t u t i o n a l r i g h t t o s p e n d $ 2 5 on a d o z e n shiny 2 5 % f a t d o u g h n u t s f r o m a kar-friendly o u t l e t near t o its M c M a n s i o n .

Meat Lovers' Pizza

The occasional bogan wants to become vegetarian. Really.
H o w e v e r , in a rare e x a m p l e of self-awareness, it k n o w s it has no c o n t r o l o v e r its p a t h o l o g i c a l n e e d f o r p r o t e i n , w h i c h as far as t h e b o g a n k n o w s exists o n l y i n b e e f , chicken a n d M a x Bulk P o w d e r 4000. Therefore, the only logical response to t h e bogan's desire t o b e h e r b i v o r o u s i s t o first e a t all o f t h e a n i m a l s . This i s m o r e d i f f i c u l t t h a n i t s o u n d s . T h e r e are m a n y animals, a n d t h e b o g a n ' s a p p e t i t e f o r d e s t r u c t i o n i s l i m i t e d t o e i g h t i e s hair m e t a l a n d a n aversion to salad. While the b o g a n is uncomfortable w i t h t h e idea of where t h e p r o t e i n i n j e c t i o n c o m e s f r o m , a n d w o u l d m o s t likely shirk a t t h e i d e a of s k i n n i n g a c o w ( d e s p i t e its b o i s t e r o u s s t a t e m e n t s ) , it is p e r f e c t l y c o m f o r t a b l e w i t h c o n s u m i n g t h e fruits o f o t h e r s ' labour. M a l e b o g a n s are o n a n o n g o i n g d i e t a r y m i s s i o n t o d e p o p u l a t e e n t i r e species via any a n d all m e a n s necessary. N o t c o n t e n t w i t h catastrophically disrupting marine environments w i t h fishing boats a n d j e t skis, t h e b o g a n has l o o k e d f u r t h e r a b r o a d . Pizza H u t saw this a n d r e s p o n d e d . T h e m a l e b o g a n has a clear p r e d i s p o s i t i o n t o label all g r e e n f o o d s a s f o r p o o f s , a n d c o n t i n u a l l y d e r i d e s salads a s ' r a b b i t f e e d ' o r ' c h i c k s ' f o o d ' . Pizza H u t realised t h a t w h i l e t h e b o g a n was already p a r t i a l t o a large m a r g a r i t a , t h a t p a r t i c u l a r variety, i n its e f f o r t t o a v o i d g i v i n g n u t r i t i o n a l o f f e n c e , h a d a v o i d e d a l m o s t every f o o d t h e b o g a n g e n u i n e l y p u r s u e s . S o t h e y v i s i t e d t h e s l a u g h t e r h o u s e a n d s a i d , 'I'll t a k e i t . '

T h u s t h e b o g a n w a s g i f t e d w i t h t h e M e a t Lovers' Pizza. I t j

t h e q u a r t e r - p o u n d e r o f m o c k Italian f o o d , H e m i n g w a y o n a y e a s t y b a s e , a n a t o m i c p r o t e i n o v e r d o s e . C o v e r e d i n sufficient b a r b e c u e sauce t o d r o w n a n actual c o w , t h e pizza t h e n successfully r e m o v e s all m e a t flavour, w h i c h is f o r t u i t o u s as it w o u l d possibly t u r n t h e b o g a n t o v e g e t a r i a n i s m , a p r e v i o u s l y i n c o n c e i v a b l e event. W h e n t h e b o g a n has t h e o p t i o n o f 7 5 d i f f e r e n t v a r i e t i e s o f p r o c e s s e d m e a t s l a t h e r e d i n c h e e s e , m e a t , t o m a t o , m e a t a n d m e a t , all o t h e r d i n i n g o p t i o n s f a d e i n t o a n a m o r p h o u s g r e e n mass. Last year, t h e r e w e r e a b o u t 1 7 0 , 0 0 0 hospitalisations n a t i o n w i d e f o r c o r o n a r y h e a r t disease, a n d i t i s TBL's u n d e r s t a n d i n g t h a t t h e M e a t L o v e r s ' Pizza i s r e s p o n s i b l e f o r a t least 4 5 0 , 0 0 0 , 0 0 0 , 0 0 0 of t h e m . Faced with the choice b e t w e e n the Supreme, the H a w a i i a n ( b o g a n s , in a rare d i s p l a y of t a s t e , d e c r y t h e a p p l i c a t i o n o f p i n e a p p l e t o pizza), t h e C a p r i c c i o s a o r t h e M e a t L o v e r s ' , t h e b o g a n will invariably g r a v i t a t e t o t h e m e a l m o s t likely t o i n d u c e a fatal disease. N o t f e a r f u l o f cardiac arrest b u t c o n c e r n e d a b o u t a n e x p a n s i o n o f w a i s t o r t h i g h , t h e b o g a n m a k e s u p f o r this colossal i n t a k e of s a t u r a t e d f a t s w i t h a SureSlim s h a k e , a manly d i e t c o k e a n d a f e w s e s s i o n s o n t h e A b M a s t e r 7 4 0 0 , t h e n hits t h e sack, healthy and happy.

HEALTH WELLBEING

Getting huge
Gym attendance is a positive activity that can bring with it health
a n d w e l l b e i n g b e n e f i t s t h a t e x t e n d across t h e l i f e s p a n , b o g a n o r n o . It's g r e a t f o r m e t a b o l i s m , b o n e d e n s i t y a n d b l o o d pressure, b u t t h e s e f a c t o r s are entirely u n r e l a t e d t o w h y t h e m a l e b o g a n joins t h e g y m . It's t h e r e t o g e t H U G E . T h e b o g a n , w i t h its p o o r c o p i n g skills a n d t e n d e n c y t o act impulsively, d e e p l y f e e l s t h e e x i s t e n t i a l u r g e t o b e c o m e the alpha gladiator i n t h e n i g h t c l u b , b o t h t o catch t h e e y e o f t h e f e m a l e b o g a n , a n d t o b e c o m e physically d o m i n a n t o v e r t h e o t h e r males. A s w i t h m a n y o t h e r aspects o f its life, i t e x h i b i t s n o s u b t l e t y o r m o d e r a t i o n ; i t craves t h e x t r e m e . A t t h e g y m , t h e m a l e b o g a n can g e n e r a l l y b e f o u n d near a mirror, d r a m a t i c a l l y s w i n g i n g t h e largest d u m b b e l l s i t can p i c k u p . Rather t h a n w o r k i n g o n its e n t i r e p h y s i q u e , t h e b o g a n exclusively t a r g e t s t h e parts o f t h e b o d y t h a t can p r o t r u d e f r o m a t i g h t Travisty t - s h i r t , c r e a t i n g a n o d d s e n s e o f p r o p o r t i o n a s its e n o r m o u s , y e t f o r m l e s s b i c e p s d w a r f o t h e r p a r t s o f its arms a n d t o r s o . A s a result, it can always be s e e n w o r k i n g o u t in a s k i m p y s i n g l e t , b u t loose p a n t s . T h e b o g a n ' s i n a b i l i t y t o resist a n i m p o s s i b l y g o o d s h o r t c u t will sometimes lead it to g e t t i n g on the 'raids, which s p e e d up the process o f g e t t i n g h u g e a n d r e d u c e t h e a m o u n t o f w o r k r e q u i r e d . T h e d o w n s i d e s , such a s e r e c t i l e d y s f u n c t i o n , t e s t i c u l a r a t r o p h y , p a r a n o i a a n d i n c r e a s e d a g g r e s s i o n are d i s m i s s e d . I n d e e d , t h e b o g a n m a y lust a f t e r t h e i n c r e a s e d a g g r e s s i o n w h i c h can w o r k w e l l i n t a n d e m w i t h its n e w l y i n f l a t e d massive g u n s . O n c e t h e b o g a n achieves a large size in t h e chest a n d b i c e p s , it is t h e n r e a d y to a p p l y its E d H a r d y a n d h e a d t o t h e n i g h t c l u b w i t h its c o m r a d e s . N o r m a l l y , s o m e o n e w h o g o t t h i s l a r g e w o u l d c o n s i d e r g e t t i n g serious a b o u t

b o d y b u i l d i n g , but the dieting, lower b o d y work and discipline r e q u i r e d to e a r n a b o d y b u i l d e r ' s lean p h y s i q u e are sacrifices a b o g a n i s u n w i l l i n g t o m a k e . Besides, i f i t c a n ' t i n s t i g a t e d r u n k e n brawls a n d t h e n w o l f d o w n a souvlaki in a p o p u l a r n i g h t c l u b d i s t r i c t , w h a t ' s t h e p o i n t o f g e t t i n g h u g e i n t h e first place?

Fad diets
While many bogans - usually the male ones - are busy getting
h u g e a t t h e g y m , t h e r e are m a n y m o r e , o f all s t r i p e s , g e t t i n g h u g e b y o t h e r m e a n s . P r o m i n e n t a m o n g t h e s e are b o g a n s t a n d a r d s like l a t e - n i g h t M c D o n a l d ' s a n d KFC. H o w e v e r , t h e r e has b e e n a shift underway in the bogan mindset. Some t i m e ago, t h e b o g a n became aware of t h e benefits of a p p e a r i n g h e a l t h y (as d i s t i n c t f r o m a c t u a l l y being h e a l t h y ) . This is because an aesthetically pleasing b o g a n is b e t t e r p o s i t i o n e d to be p h o t o g r a p h e d in t h o s e unusual m i d d l e sections of t h e s t r e e t presses w h e r e b y y o u n g b o g a n s p o s e lasciviously i n f r o n t of a s t r a n g e r ' s c a m e r a at t h e c l u b , o f t e n six J a g e r b o m b s i n t o a 12-Jagerbomb night. T h e result o f this c h a n g e first m a n i f e s t e d itself i n t h e b o g a n s t a t i n g l o u d l y a n d p u b l i c l y t h a t it was ' w a t c h i n g its w e i g h t ' . However, this h a d little t o d o w i t h actually w a n t i n g t o e a t less-delicious f o o d s . T h e r e s p o n s e w a s n i g h - o n i n s t a n t . M c D o n a l d ' s s t a r t e d a 'salads' r a n g e , w i t h sufficient d r e s s i n g a s t o m a k e i t resistant t o o r d i n a r y forms of biodegradation. A n d Subway e m e r g e d , with foot-long (this is n o t j u s t a m a r k e t i n g t e r m ) s a n d w i c h e s , b o a s t i n g 'six g r a m s of fat'. W h a t remained u n m e n t i o n e d was that t h e six-gram o p t i o n was a half-sized s a n d w i c h , w i t h w h o l e m e a l b r e a d , no meat, no c h e e s e , n o sauce a n d n o t a s t e . Naturally, t h e b o g a n p r o c e e d e d t o

o r d e r t h e f o o t - l o n g m e a t b a l l ( d o u b l e m e a t ) w i t h t a s t y cheese, B B Q sauce a n d pickles, t h e n sat d o w n t o e n j o y its h e a l t h y l u n c h . O n l y t o t o p i t off w i t h six ' h o m e s t y l e ' d o u b l e c h o c o l a t e c h i p c o o k i e s . The ensuing w e i g h t gain created significant consternation for b o g a n s n a t i o n w i d e . W h y w a s its n e w d i e t n o t successful? W h y d i d i t c o n t i n u e t o r e g i s t e r a B M I o f 32? T h e r e w e r e clearly o n l y t w o o p t i o n s . For t h e m a l e b o g a n , i t w a s t h a t i t o b v i o u s l y b o a s t e d a h i g h e r - t h a n - n o r m a l muscle mass, a conclusion reached after learning that professional athletes often had higher-than-normal BMI readings. The female, on the other hand, d e c i d e d that it had m a l f u n c t i o n i n g l y m p h n o d e s . O r s o m e t h i n g similarly m e d i c i n e - y sounding. A s a result, m a l e b o g a n s d i d n o t h i n g . F e m a l e b o g a n s , w i t h eyes f i x e d f i r m l y o n t h e p r i z e , t o o k t o ' d i e t i n g ' . For years, carbs w e r e t h e e n e m y . T h e A t k i n s d i e t , w h i c h , n o t incidentally, a d v o c a t e d t h e massive c o n s u m p t i o n o f fats i n o r d e r t o g e t t h i n , f a i l e d , b e c a u s e it failed to deal with the bogans' poor metabolism and/or lymph g l a n d s - o r was i t t h y r o i d s ? S o , s u d d e n l y , t h e d i e t m a r k e t w a s awash w i t h shakes. Sure S l i m , C e l e b r i t y Slim a n d Tony F e r g u s o n all p r o m o t e d themselves as being able to reduce t h e collective b o g a n w e i g h t by a noteworthy p r o p o r t i o n . So b o g a n s b e g a n d r i n k i n g shakes. W i t h their Subway and Macca's salads.

Functional water
In the last decade, two products making little sense but extracting
e x o r b i t a n t a m o u n t s o f m o n e y f r o m t h e b o g a n have p r o l i f e r a t e d o n t h e shelves o f A u s t r a l i a n s u p e r m a r k e t s . I t e m n u m b e r o n e i s w a t e r in a b o t t l e . A l t h o u g h w i d e l y available f r o m a t a p f o r less t h a n

1 / 2 0 0 0 t h o f t h e p r i c e , t h e b o g a n h a p p i l y pays m o r e f o r a litre o f w a t e r t h a n it d o e s f o r a litre of p e t r o l - b e c a u s e it's c o n v e n i e n t l y p a c k a g e d in a shiny plastic b o t t l e , a n d it has a b r a n d . The second is vitamins. Also in a b o t t l e . Always l o o k i n g for a n easier b u t m o r e e x p e n s i v e w a y o f d o i n g t h i n g s , t h e b o g a n happily hands over $ 1 5 - 2 0 for a b o t t l e of vitamin C, c o l d pressed fish oil o r specially f o r m u l a t e d e m u ' s k n o b , d e s p i t e t h e f a c t t h a t m o s t o f t h e s e v i t a m i n s a n d m i n e r a l s are p r e s e n t i n e v e r y d a y f r e s h f o o d items or offer only spurious nutritional benefit. Vitamin pills p r o m i s i n g v a g u e b u t a p p e a l i n g o u t c o m e s such a s ' v i t a l i t y ' a p p e a l s t r o n g l y t o t h e h y p o c h o n d r i a t h a t m a n y b o g a n s selectively c o m m a n d e e r to attract a t t e n t i o n . It should c o m e as no surprise t h a t t h e c o r p o r a t e j u n t a ' s l a t e s t assault o n t h e b o g a n h i p p o c k e t should c o m b i n e these t w o b o g a n - a p p r o v e d products. Enter 'functional w a t e r ' . W a t e r t h a t d o e s shit. Two t h o u s a n d years a f t e r b i b l i c a l literalists v o w t h a t w a t e r a l l o w e d a n a m a z i n g p r o p h e t t o w a l k o n it, p r o d u c t m a r k e t e r s h a v e risen t o a g o d - l i k e level b y c r e a t i n g a n o t h e r a m a z i n g p r o f i t o n it. Not content with the astronomical profit margins and

environmental damage incurred by b o t t l e d water, beverage manufacturers w o r k e d o u t that by a d d i n g red f o o d colouring a n d s u p p l e m e n t s like ' d r a g o n f r u i t ' a n d ' t r i p l e a n t i o x i d a n t s ' , t h e y could charge t h e b o g a n 4 0 0 0 t i m e s t h e price o f t a p water. W i t h m a x t r e m e n a m e s like ' p o w e r C a n d ' t r i p l e X ' * a n d p r o m i s i n g seemingly magical properties, vitamin water promises the b o g a n i n c r e d i b l e a t t r i b u t e s such a s e n d u r a n c e , p o w e r , a n d e n e r g y .

T h e link between products featuring the letter X and their popularity among b o g a n s has been overwhelmingly proven at the T B L Institute by our crack team of G e r m a n scientists.

A f t e r finally g a i n i n g t r a c t i o n w i t h its massive cans, t h e C o c a C o l a c o m p a n y i s a t t h e c e n t r e o f t h e f u n c t i o n a l w a t e r heist. Its g l a c e a u v i t a m i n w a t e r ( r e p l e t e w i t h e x o t i c Euro diacritic) p r o d u c t displays a n a l a r m i n g u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f t h e b o g a n . T h e c o m p a n y has a l l o c a t e d s o m e o f t h e p h e n o m e n a l p r o f i t m a r g i n t o p a y i n g f o r p r o d u c t p l a c e m e n t on Sex and the City, a n d g e t t i n g b o g a n idols J e n n i f e r A n i s t o n a n d 5 0 C e n t t o e n d o r s e its p r o d u c t . I t has also created a pointless Facebook g r o u p for the product, which the b o g a n m a y j o i n t o c o n s t r u c t its b r a n d - b a s e d i d e n t i t y . T h e o u t c o m e o f all o f this can b e seen a t y o u r local g y m , w h e r e the male b o g a n is g e t t i n g huge next to the female b o g a n w h o i s g e t t i n g tiny. B o t h o f t h e m are p r o u d l y c a r r y i n g a $ 4 . 5 0 b o t t l e of brightly coloured and b r a n d e d water, e m p o w e r e d by the f a c t t h a t 0.3 m l o f d r a g o n f r u i t will m a k e t h e i r b o g a n d r e a m s c o m e true.

Melanin
The bogan will not be able to offer you a definition of what melanin
is, d e s p i t e b e i n g e x t r e m e l y i n t e r e s t e d in t h e t o p i c . W h a t it is, is a class o f c o m p o u n d s f o u n d i n p l a n t s a n d animals, a n d t h e b o g a n also f i n d s i t a t t h e b e a c h . B o g a n s o f b o t h g e n d e r s h a v e b e e n k n o w n to remain at t h e beach for hours at a t i m e seeking melanin, s o m e t i m e s w a l k i n g a r o u n d p u r p o s e l y , s o m e t i m e s lying m o t i o n l e s s in patient wait for the imminent discolouration. By the end of the day, t h e s u n b u r n t b o g a n has usually m a n a g e d t o a c q u i r e s o m e melanin, along with a few wrinkles. Forever on t h e l o o k o u t for a quicker, m o r e xpensive, m o r e x t r e m e w a y t o a c c o m p l i s h a task, m a n y b o g a n s t u r n e d t o t a n n i n g l o u n g e s i n t h e 1990s t o g e t t h e i r hit o f m e l a n i n . T h e y w o u l d p a y

$ 2 0 t o lie i n a plastic t u b e a n d g e t b l a s t e d b y l a m p s . T h e p u n g e n t smell o f c o c o n u t oil a n d b u r n i n g h u m a n flesh c o n s t i t u t e d a dizzying reward for t h e newly bronzed b o g a n , and they returned again and a g a i n . This c o n t i n u e d u n t i l a b o u t f i v e years a g o , w h e n y o u n g S t Kilda local Clare O l i v e r s p e n t t o o m u c h t i m e i n t a n n i n g l o u n g e s , d e v e l o p e d a m e l a n o m a , a n d e n g a g e d in a publicity process to warn bogans that their melanin cravings w e r e potentially fatal. She d i e d i n 2 0 0 7 a g e d 2 6 , a n d her m e s s a g e g o t t h r o u g h t o m a n y bronzed bogans. I n t h e t h r e e years t h a t f o l l o w e d , t h e n u m b e r o f s o l a r i u m s i n Australia declined by a t h i r d , b u t t h e bogan's desire to be bronzed d i d n o t d e c l i n e a t all. T h e shift i n b r o n z i n g t a s t e s c o i n c i d e d w i t h a proliferation of spray tans, creams and lotions. These eagerly purchased fake tanning products come with the promise of transforming pale bogans into t h e colour of 'ethnic ' p e o p l e that t h e y d o n o t like. This o d d l y c o n t r a d i c t o r y a s p i r a t i o n a l racism i s rarely effective, w i t h t h e b o g a n e n d i n g up a b l o t c h y shade of orange. O f t e n , t h e b o g a n will a t t e m p t to c o m b i n e a day at t h e b e a c h w i t h t h e e x c e s s i v e a p p l i c a t i o n o f f a k e t a n , c r e a t i n g vast t r a c t s o f visible o r a n g e flesh ( o f t e n p u n c t u a t e d b y t r a m p s t a m p s and tribal tattoos). Some of the more striking markings of the bronze-hungry b o g a n are t h e m u c h d r e a d e d ' V e g e m i t e knees', acquired when the poor application of a poor fake tan product results in a series of d a r k b r o w n creases at t h e j o i n t s , p r e s u m a b l y rich i n v i t a m i n B . . . f o r b o g a n .

Spurious allergies
The bogan likes to elicit reactions. Not content with ignoring the
s y m p t o m s suggestive of a sexually t r a n s m i t t e d infection, it

e f f o r t l e s s l y o c c u p i e s its m i n d w i t h its m u l t i t u d i n o u s a l l e r g i e s . A l l e r g i e s are a c q u i r e d r e a c t i o n s t o n o r m a l l y i n n o c u o u s substances t h a t are u n i q u e t o a n i n d i v i d u a l ' s i m m u n e s y s t e m . D e s p i t e t h i s inescapable medical construct, t h e bogan's allergies magically m i r r o r t h o s e o f A n g e l i n a J o l i e , Bee C a r t w r i g h t o r p r e t t y m u c h a n y o n e on t h e c o v e r of New Idea. W i t h a similar u n p r e d i c t a b i l i t y to Axel Whitehead's belt buckle, in a given week the bogan might d e c i d e it's a l l e r g i c t o e v e r y t h i n g f r o m p e a n u t s t o d a i r y t o l o g i c . This, d e s p i t e h a v i n g e a t e n a Picnic b a r earlier in t h e d a y t h a t w a s w a s h e d d o w n w i t h a c h o c o l a t e B i g M w h i l e d r i v i n g its car. This c u r i o u s b r a n d o f h y p o c h o n d r i a m a y b e a t t r i b u t e d t o its f l a w e d u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f b i o l o g y b u t i s i n f a c t d u e t o its r a b i d o b s e s s i o n with stupidity. T h e b o g a n w i l l also e a g e r l y lap u p a n y ' s c i e n t i f i c s t u d y ' its m e a n d e r i n g eyes h a p p e n u p o n a n d a s a result a d o p t its a l l e r g y f o r t h e w e e k . I f d r i n k i n g c o f f e e increases h y p e r t e n s i o n o n M o n d a y , i t w i l l b e assured t h a t d r i n k i n g c o f f e e will cure d i a b e t e s b y Thursday. A d d i n g t o its allergic arsenal, t h e b o g a n was o n c e t o l d b y Today Tonight t h a t t h e r e m i g h t b e a v a g u e c o n n e c t i o n b e t w e e n o b e s i t y a n d one's t h y r o i d g l a n d . M o n t h s later w h e n i t f i n d s itself hopelessly f a t a n d a s t h m a t i c , i t will t e l l its f r i e n d s t h a t t h i s n e w - f o u n d o b e s i t y was due to a dysfunctional thyroid gland acquired at birth. A n d b l a m e its s t u p i d p a r e n t s f o r g i v i n g i t i n f e r i o r o r g a n s . F a i l i n g t o e s t a b l i s h t h e l i n k b e t w e e n its t i n e a a n d l a c k o f h y g i e n e , t h e b o g a n will infer t h a t t h e f u n g a l i n f e c t i o n i s i n f a c t a result o f a f o o d t h a t i t d o e s n o t like. I t will t h e n l o u d l y s c o w l a t t h e unsuspecting Asian waiter at La Porchetta's because he failed to e n q u i r e a b o u t any e x i s t i n g f o o d allergies. Even t h o u g h i t d i d n o t exist a t t h e t i m e o f o r d e r i n g . A s Kelly q u i v e r s u n d e r t h e w e i g h t o f

her o w n d e l u s i o n s , she's r e a d y t o d i g i n t o t w o kilos o f s p a g h e t t i b o l o g n e s e , her g l u t e n allergy n o t w i t h s t a n d i n g .

Plus-size models
Despite its rigorous adherence to fad diets, once-a-month personal
t r a i n i n g sessions a n d w a t c h i n g The Biggest Loser, t h e b o g a n is g e t t i n g fatter. This displeases t h e f e m a l e b o g a n , w h o , w i t h o n l y s o m u c h l e e w a y i n b l a m i n g her f a i l i n g t h y r o i d g l a n d , n e e d s t o l o o k f o r o t h e r r e m e d i e s f o r this o n g o i n g e x i s t e n t i a l b o g a n a n g s t . I n s h o r t , t h e b o g a n d o e s n o t l o o k like N i c o l e Ritchie, a n d i s c o n f u s e d . T h e u l t i m a t e c o n c l u s i o n any s e l f - r e s p e c t i n g b o g a n w o u l d reach i s t o a d a p t her reality t o m a k e herself n o r m a l . H o w e v e r , i t i s n o t t h e b o g a n w h o m a k e s t h i s l e a p , b u t OK! m a g a z i n e (so n a m e d a s t o reassure t h e b o g a n t h a t she is, i n d e e d , O K I ) . U p o n f a c i n g f l a g g i n g sales a n d i n t e r e s t i n its e v e r - w i d e n i n g array of n o t - s o - w i d e c e l e b r i t i e s on t h e cover, it t a k e s a d i f f e r e n t t a c k . 'Real W o m e n ! ' s c r e a m s t h e b i a n n u a l cover, a s t h e e d i t o r s divine that t h e b o g a n wants to be t o l d that she, and p e o p l e like her, are j u s t as b e a u t i f u l as p r o f e s s i o n a l m o d e l s . T h e s e n e w p h o t o g r a p h i c t a r g e t s are d u b b e d ' p l u s - s i z e m o d e l s ' a n d ' r e a l w o m e n ' , and offer t h e fiercely anti-PC b o g a n an o p p o r t u n i t y to selectively e m b r a c e a f o r m o f p o l i t i c a l c o r r e c t n e s s t h a t l e g i t i m i s e s her o w n r o b u s t f o r m . Roused f r o m her i n w a r d - l o o k i n g misery, t h e b o g a n can purchase t h e m a g a z i n e i n q u e s t i o n a n d g a z e o n t h e s e w o m e n w h o l o o k 'just like m e ' , a n d b e g i n l o u d l y p r o c l a i m i n g t o all a n d s u n d r y t h a t t h e y ' W a n t t o see real w o m e n ! ' A f t e r t h e success o f OK!, t h e b o g a n f i n d s herself c o n f r o n t e d w i t h s u n d r y i m a g e s o f M a g d a S z u b a n s k i , c e l e b r a t i n g a n d r e v e l l i n g i n her d i m i n i s h e d level o f f a t n e s s y e t

r e m a i n i n g a 'real w o m a n ' . Thus v a l i d a t e d , t h e b o g a n can c o n t i n u e a p p l y i n g c o p i o u s a m o u n t s o f mayonnaise t o her M c D o n a l d ' s salads. She's a real w o m a n . D e s p i t e this p r o n o u n c e m e n t , t h e f o l l o w i n g w e e k Lara B i n g l e a n d J e n n i f e r H a w k i n s are s p l a s h e d across t h e c o v e r s o f e v e r y m a j o r w o m e n ' s m a g i n t h e c o u n t r y t o massively i n c r e a s e d sales. T h e b o g a n , a s she peruses t h e c o l l e c t i o n i n f r o n t o f her, p i c k i n g u p A n g e l i n a J o l i e , Jessica A l b a ( w h o i s b a c k t o her p r e - b a b y w e i g h t ) a n d a n o d d l y e m a c i a t e d Rebecca Twigley, c o n t i n u e s t o t a l k t o her c o h o r t s a b o u t h o w she w i s h e s t o see 'real w o m e n ' i n m a g a z i n e s . She t h e n f o r g e t s . T w o years later, OK! d e c i d e s t h a t i t n e e d s t o ' p a y t r i b u t e t o t h e real w o m e n ' , a n d p u t s o u t a c o v e r w i t h a s u b u r b a n h o u s e w i f e , discussing her b a t t l e s w i t h b o d y i m a g e . The male b o g a n is m o r t i f i e d .

ADHD
The bogan's desire for glory manifests itself in many different ways.
There's t h e u n i n f o r m e d g a m b l i n g , t h e process o f g e t t i n g h u g e , t h e killing o f t h i n g s , a n d s o m u c h m o r e . A l l o f this g l o r y - h u n t i n g t a k e s u p s i g n i f i c a n t slices o f t h e b o g a n ' s t i m e , s o t h e b o g a n i s p r o n e t o t a k i n g s h o r t c u t s o n o t h e r t h i n g s t o e n s u r e t h a t i t can f i t i n t h e viewing of a Twenty/Twenty cricket g a m e before g o i n g to t h e p u b t o w a t c h a c o v e r b a n d b u t c h e r 'Sex o n Fire'. O n e o f t h e t h i n g s that regularly gets short-changed by the b o g a n is the a d e q u a t e raising of its c h i l d r e n . D u e t o n e g l e c t , a m a s s i v e c a n f o r b r e a k f a s t e a c h day, a n d i m p u l s i v e a n d a n t i - i n t e l l e c t u a l p a r e n t a l role m o d e l s , t h e b o g a n ' s c h i l d r e n are q u i t e likely t o b e h a v e like u n c o n t r o l l a b l e m o r o n s .

W h i l e t h e b o g a n p a r e n t i s always e a g e r t o a c q u i r e c h e a p g l o r y , it is vehemently unwilling to accept responsibility for the conduct o f b o g a n j u n i o r , d e s p i t e l i t t l e B i l y n d a a n d M a x x x busily s e t t i n g fire t o t h e u p h o l s t e r y i n t h e f o r m a l d i n i n g area. U s i n g t h e s a m e mental shortcut that caused it to decide that it had a spurious g l u t e n allergy, t h e b o g a n will l o u d l y a n d a r b i t r a r i l y d e c l a r e t h a t its r e c a l c i t r a n t o f f s p r i n g has A D H D . A t this p o i n t , t h e b o g a n p a r e n t f e e l s r e l i e v e d a n d reassured t h a t n o n e o f t h i s mess i s its f a u l t . T h e calmness a n d relief is s h o r t l i v e d , h o w e v e r , b e c a u s e p a r e n t t e a c h e r i n t e r v i e w s are v e r y stressful f o r t h e b o g a n p a r e n t . F a c e d w i t h p r o f e s s i o n a l l y t r a i n e d o p i n i o n s o n its child's b e h a v i o u r , r a g e s u r g e s t h r o u g h t h e b o g a n ' s v e i n s like f u e l t h r o u g h a j e t ski. I t d e c i d e s t h a t b e c a u s e b o g a n j u n i o r can d o n o w r o n g , t h e t e a c h e r n e e d s t o b e t a k e n d o w n a p e g o r t w o , i n t h e process g a i n i n g m u c h n e e d e d e x p o s u r e t o t h e b o g a n ' s 'real w o r l d ' . T h e t e a c h e r r u d e l y s u g g e s t s t h a t t h e c h i l d m i g h t n o t have A D H D a n d c o u l d p e r h a p s b e n e f i t f r o m b e t t e r g u i d a n c e a n d s u p p o r t . The t e a c h e r also suggests getting a medical opinion on the alleged A D H D , which is interpreted by t h e b o g a n parent as a statement of d o u b t that t h e b o g a n m i g h t n o t b e a m e d i c a l e x p e r t . This i s u n a c c e p t a b l e t o the b o g a n . A m i d the screeching, the finger pointing, the feigned s h o c k a n d t h e t h r e a t s o f r e t r i b u t i o n , t h e b o g a n p a r e n t will variously assign b l a m e t o t h e o t h e r s t u d e n t s , o t h e r p a r e n t s , t h e t e a c h e r , o r t h e f u n d a m e n t a l c o n c e p t o f e d u c a t i o n . I t will e v e n t u a l l y s t o r m o u t , v o w i n g t o itself t h a t i t w i l l c r a f t its c h i l d e v e n m o r e closely i n its o w n i m a g e . A t a s u b s e q u e n t B B Q , t h e b o g a n will p r o u d l y regale all a t t e n d i n g a b o u t t h e t i m e t h e y s t u c k i t u p t h e h e a d m a s t e r . I t will d e s c r i b e i n v i v i d d e t a i l its e v e r y u n r e a s o n a b l e c o n c l u s i o n a n d p a t h e t i c

excuse t h a t j u s t i f i e d its s p a w n i n t e r r u p t i n g a n d assaulting 3 0 o t h e r innocent children stupidly focused on obtaining an education.

Slater & Gordon

Years of watching Today Tonight and A Current Affair and reading
News Limited have t a u g h t the b o g a n that it is not to blame for anything. The introduction of a kaleidoscope of alternative s c a p e g o a t s f o r t h e faults a n d failings o f b o g a n s o c i e t y - f o r e i g n e r s , c h i l d r e n , f o r e i g n e r s ' c h i l d r e n - have p l a c e d t h e b o g a n in a w a r m , s o o t h i n g c o c o o n o f i m p e n e t r a b l e security. T h e i r child's illness i s an allergy. T h e i r r e s u l t i n g b e h a v i o u r is a disease t r e a t a b l e by a n t i p s y c h o t i c s . J o b loss is t h e result of c h e a p m i g r a n t labour. T h e r e is no a c t i o n t h e b o g a n can t a k e t h a t w i l l result i n n e g a t i v e c o n s e q u e n c e s o r b l a m e f o r t h e b o g a n . C h l a m y d i a o f t e n has n o s y m p t o m s . A k i n t o M a x M a r k s o n , w h o saw t h e b o g a n n e e d t o b e f a m o u s a n d m o n e t i s e d it, like C o k e saw t h e b o g a n n e e d f o r massive cans a n d m o n e t i s e d it, Slater & G o r d o n realised - w e l l b e f o r e m o s t t h e b o g a n desire f o r x t r e m e l a w y e r i n g . T h e b o g a n lives life t o t h e m a x t r e m e , b u t w h e n s o m e t h i n g fucks up, it wants justice - t h e m e g a justice t h a t c o m e s f r o m a legal system to t h e p o w e r of m a x i m u m t i m e s a w e s o m e . S h o u l d a b o g a n slip o n a p u d d l e o f spilt d e t e r g e n t at the supermarket as t h e p i m p l y 16-year-old fetches a m o p , t h e s u p e r m a r k e t faces x t r e m e b o g a n legal r e t r i b u t i o n . S h o u l d a b o g a n f o r g e t h o w t o p r o p e r l y o p e r a t e its j e t ski a n d d o its b a c k i n , w a t e r s p e e d r e g u l a t i o n s are a t f a u l t . S h o u l d a b o g a n fail at a g l a s s i n g a t t e m p t a n d g e t h u r t , t h e i r assailant is a h e i n o u s criminal w h o deserves righteous dispensation of legal vengeance f o r t h w i t h . A n d w h e n it h a p p e n s , Slater & G o r d o n p r o v i d e t h e mega justice.

Even b e t t e r , t h e y d o i t f o r n o t h i n g . Just like H a r v e y N o r m a n a n d t h e i r ilk realised t h a t i f t h e b o g a n has n o t h i n g t o p a y u p f r o n t t h e y will w a l k o u t o f any s t o r e w i t h a n inordinate a m o u n t of televisual and refrigeration e q u i p m e n t they d o n o t n e e d , Slater & G o r d o n ' s e p i p h a n y was t h a t , o f f e r e d f r e e l e g a l a d v i c e , t h e b o g a n will sue a n y o n e f o r a n y t h i n g , a t a n y t i m e . T h e b o g a n o n l y pays l e g a l f e e s i f t h e y w i n t h e i r case. So, d e s p i t e t h e b o g a n ' s f i r m belief t h a t several years o f w a t c h i n g Law & Order have p r e p a r e d it f o r t h e r i g o u r s of t h e A u s t r a l i a n c o u r t r o o m , S & G are t h e r e t o r e p r e s e n t it. T h e b o g a n hates rules a n d laws, b u t i s n o t a w a r e t h a t t h e e x i s t e n c e o f m a n y o f t h e rules it hates m o s t is a d i r e c t r e s u l t of its o w n reckless b e h a v i o u r . S & G are a w a r e .

Wii Fit
There is a long, prestigious roster of ridiculous items that the bogan
c a n b e c o n v i n c e d t o p u r c h a s e . I f t h e b o g a n i s thirsty, i t w i l l n o t merely drink water, it will crave a Boost Juice s m o o t h i e or a f u n c t i o n a l w a t e r (actually c o r d i a l ) . I f t h e b o g a n w i s h e s t o l e e c h s o m e cultural c a c h e t f r o m t h e b l o a t e d corpses o f Bach a n d Sinatra, i t will t r y t o illegally d o w n l o a d s o m e A n d r e Rieu o r M i c h a e l B u b l e (actually a C a n a d i a n d w a r f ) , b e f o r e realising it d o e s n ' t k n o w w h a t a t o r r e n t is, a n d b u y i t a t J B H i Fi. O f course, t h e b o g a n wishes t o g e t f i t a n d lose inches (never c e n t i m e t r e s ) off its waist, so it s p e n t years e m b r a c i n g t h e Assmaster 5000 or some other nonsense. But in t h e m o d e r n a g e , b u y i n g s t r a n g e l y c o n t r i v e d exercise e q u i p m e n t o v e r t h e p h o n e s e e m s a b i t a n t i q u a t e d . T h e savvy b o g a n w a n t s t o m o v e b e y o n d l a t e - n i g h t exercise t o o l s , t o s o m e t h i n g s t a t e - o f - t h e - a r t . N i n t e n d o saw this a n d N i n t e n d o a c t e d . A d d t o this illustrious

list o f a m a z i n g l y p o i n t l e s s p r o d u c t s , t h a t i n c o m b i n a t i o n a c c o u n t f o r 4 0 % o f t h e A u s t r a l i a n e c o n o m y , t h e W i i Fit. W i t h t h e W i i Fit, t h e b o g a n d i s c o v e r e d a n i n c r e d i b l e n e w m e a n s o f b e i n g ridiculous. A n d l o v e d it. B y t h e e n d o f 2 0 0 9 , 8 0 0 , 0 0 0 W i i Fit c o n s o l e s h a d b e e n s o l d t o b o g a n s across A u s t r a l i a , a s t h e y r e a l i s e d t h a t b y standing on a plastic p l a t f o r m watching television and barely m o v i n g , t h e y w o u l d lose w e i g h t a n d t o n e u p . N o w , w h i l e t h e b o g a n i s busily n o t c o n s u m i n g c a r b o h y d r a t e s t h r o u g h a straw, i t w o b b l e s u n s t e a d i l y o n its cankles, l o o k i n g f o r all t h e w o r l d t o b e s w a t t i n g i m a g i n a r y flies o r s o m e s u c h , a s p o o r l y a n i m a t e d characters m o v e a t r a n d o m o n a f i v e - s e c o n d d e l a y o n an 8 9 - i n c h p l a s m a s c r e e n . H a v i n g j u s t i f i e d a q u i c k r e t u r n j o u r n e y to the McDonald's drive-through to pick up a few thousand k i l o j o u l e s , t h e b o g a n can t h e n w o r k o n increasing t h e i r F a c e b o o k I Q s c o r e b y e x e r c i s i n g t h e i r u n d e r u t i l i s e d g r e y m a t t e r o n Big Brain Academy: Wii Degree. Here, the bogan engages in arithmetic a n d p r o b l e m - s o l v i n g tasks a i m e d a t e i g h t - y e a r - o l d s , a n d sits b a c k s m u g l y w h e n i t m a n a g e s t o o u t s c o r e f i v e - y e a r - o l d Rylan. This W i i t h i n g d o e s m a k e t h e b o g a n smarter. O h , a n d f i t t e r t o o .

Weddings: the courtship

She was already in white when they met. It was serendipity. Their
eyes l o c k e d across t h e c a v e r n o u s r o o m t h a t h o u s e d S e n s a t i o n W h i t e a t 3 a m . I t w a s h a r d t o l o o k away. This w a s , i n p a r t , d u e t o t h e e x t r e m e d i l a t i o n o f t h e i r p u p i l s . H e b e g a n t o w a l k across t h e r o o m , b e f o r e accidentally s h o u l d e r i n g s o m e guy called Lance, w h o t o o k u m b r a g e a t his i n a b i l i t y t o n a v i g a t e a s w a r m i n g sea o f p r i s t i n e , N a p i s a n - e d b o g a n s , a n d t r i e d t o glass h i m w i t h his halfe m p t y C o r o n a b o t t l e . E v e n t u a l l y h e f i n d s her, a n d t h e y fall i n t o each o t h e r ' s arms. T h e y share t h e i r t h o u g h t s o n h o w l o u d t h e music is, a n d h o w f u c k e d t h e y are. Flash f o r w a r d t w o years, a n d t h e y s t a n d silently, d o w n c a s t , i n his p a r e n t s ' e n s u i t e , s t a r i n g m o r b i d l y a t t h e h o m e p r e g n a n c y t e s t as t h e l i t m u s stick t u r n s a sinister s h a d e of b l u e . Flash f o r w a r d a n o t h e r m o n t h , a n d t h e y sit i n t h e a u d i e n c e o f Deal Or No Deal. D u r i n g t h e ad b r e a k , A n d r e w O ' K e e f e w a n d e r s o v e r t o w h e r e t h e y sit a n d a d d r e s s e s t h e c o u p l e , u n d e r t h e g u i s e o f g e n e r i c c r o w d b a n t e r . S u d d e n l y , his e x p r e s s i o n c h a n g e s , a n d a g l i n t a p p e a r s i n his e y e s . H e t a k e s a h a n d f r o m e a c h a n d places o n e i n t h e o t h e r . T h e b o g a n m a l e falls t o his k n e e s , fishes a r o u n d in his j a c k e t p o c k e t , a n d retrieves a p u r p l e (velvet) jewellery box. A . O ' K g l a n c e s m i s c h i e v o u s l y a t her a n d says, ' A a r o n , i s t h e r e s o m e t h i n g y o u w a n t t o t e l l Erin?', a s t h e b o g a n stares e a r n e s t l y at her. 'Yes, A n d r e w . T h e r e is. Erin, I've l o v e d y o u e v e r since we l o c k e d eyes a t S e n s a t i o n . W i l l y o u b e m y b e a u t i f u l w i f e ? ' She s t a n d s , h a n d s t o her m o u t h , a s t h e c r o w d c h a n t s ' D e a l ! D e a l ! ' She says yes. Tears are s h e d as A . O ' K struts b a c k t r i u m p h a n t l y to his l e c t e r n a n d a n n o u n c e s , o n n a t i o n a l t e l e v i s i o n , t h a t his g u e s t s are

n o w b e t r o t h e d , t o r a p t u r o u s a p p l a u s e . T o this m o m e n t , i t i s t h e h i g h p o i n t o f b o t h o f t h e i r s h o r t lives. The camera z o o m s in, focusing on the glittering stone newly p l a c e d on Erin's r i n g f i n g e r . It is a s h i n i n g clear g e m , t h e size of her p u p i l s all t h o s e years a g o . A f t e r t h e c a m e r a s have s t o p p e d r o l l i n g , she says, ' F o r g e t c u t , c o l o u r a n d clarity . . . I j u s t w a n t carat!' T h e m a l e , m e a n w h i l e , has d e s c e n d e d i n t o a n i n s o l v e n t abyss a s h e c o n t e m p l a t e s t h e a l a r m i n g s y n c h r o n i c i t y o f t h e ring's r e p a y m e n t s c h e d u l e w i t h t h a t of his p l a s m a s c r e e n TV.

Weddings: the preparations

The bogan bride, shortly after cementing the ring to her finger,
b e g i n s t o c o n s i d e r t h e i m p o r t o f h e r d e c i s i o n . She's g e t t i n g m a r r i e d ! D e d i c a t i n g her life t o a n o t h e r h u m a n b e i n g , b u i l d i n g a life t o g e t h e r - h o u s e , c h i l d r e n , t h e w o r k s . B u t m o r e i m p o r t a n t l y , she has a w e d d i n g to o r g a n i s e ! I t can b e d a u n t i n g f o r t h e b o g a n - w h e r e t o start? Invariably, she t u r n s t o t h e s a m e oracles t h a t have a n s w e r e d her q u e s t i o n s f o r m u c h o f her life. H o w m a n y g u t rolls d o e s B r i t n e y have? I s A m y W i n e h o u s e b a c k o n t h e horse? A n d h o w t h e hell d o I g o a b o u t organising my wedding?! F l i p p i n g t h r o u g h t h e m a g a z i n e , she spies t h e latest c e l e b r i t y e v e n t : Rove a n d Tasma, r e s p l e n d e n t in t h e i r finery. She is a w a r e t h a t R o v e was m a r r i e d o n a r e m o t e W e s t e r n A u s t r a l i a n b e a c h , b u t a s her n e w m o t h e r - i n - l a w has r e c e n t l y f o u n d g o d , i t i s b e s t t h a t t h e e v e n t t a k e s p l a c e in a c h u r c h . However, as t h e b r i d e - t o - b e flips t h r o u g h t h e pages of ' c a n d i d ' p h o t o s a n d e x p o s e d snatches o f c e l e b s a l i g h t i n g f r o m l i m o s , she realises she w a n t s t o b e classy. S o she g o e s t o t h e n e w s a g e n t a n d

f o r k s o u t a r o u n d $ 2 0 0 f o r six issues of Aussie Bride m a g a z i n e or s o m e such - her n e w b i b l e . Page b y p a g e , t h e d r e a m w e d d i n g t a k e s s h a p e . T h e r e will b e m a t c h i n g lavender ties o n t h e g r o o m s m e n , p e r f e c t l y a c c o m p a n y i n g t h e b r i d e s m a i d s ' d r e s s e s . T h e b r i d a l t r a i n w i l l b e six c a r r i a g e s l o n g , t h e b e t t e r t o c o n c e a l a s u b s t a n t i a l c a b o o s e ( b e t t e r hit t h e SureSlim t o t a k e care o f t h a t ) , a n d b e c a u s e l o n g e r i s b e t t e r . T h e s a m e v a l u e s y s t e m a p p l i e s t o t h e b r i d a l v e h i c l e . A w e d d i n g o f this m a g n i t u d e requires n o t h i n g less t h a n a n a d a p t e d m i l i t a r y v e h i c l e . Yes, a g a n g s t a black s t r e t c h H u m m e r l i m o u s i n e is w h a t Posh a n d Becks w o u l d h a v e w a n t e d . T h e r e c e p t i o n will b e s o m e t h i n g special t o o . Caviar i s o r d e r e d , a n d t h e m o n e y has a l r e a d y b e e n p a i d b y t h e t i m e s o m e o n e discovers i t i s fish e g g s . N o t t o w o r r y , t h e guests c o u l d w a s h i t d o w n w i t h s o m e c h a m p a g n e . T h e b o g a n has d i s c o v e r e d a n e x p e n s i v e b u t r e m a r k a b l y successful i n g r e d i e n t t h a t m a k e s i n d i f f e r e n t b u b b l y t a s t e t w i c e as e x q u i s i t e - a M o e t l a b e l . T h e e n t i r e a f t e r n o o n will b e o v e r s e e n b y D a n n y ' D J ' J o h n s o n , s p i n n i n g his f a v o u r i t e s w h i l e w e a r i n g sunglasses. H e assures t h e g r o o m t h a t his i P o d w e d d i n g playlist can g e n e r a t e ' M y S h a r o n a ' a n d 'Call o n M e ' u p t o t h r e e t i m e s p e r hour. M e a n w h i l e , t h e b r i d a l p a r t y is a s e e t h i n g mess. T h e b r i d e s m a i d s dresses are all w r o n g . T h e f a t o n e looks f r u m p y i n it, a n d t h e skinny o n e w a n t s t o c h o o s e s o m e t h i n g m o r e s t r a p p y . I n a h e a d y rush o f s e l f - i m p o r t a n c e , t h e skinny o n e s t o r m s off, a b a n d o n i n g her p o s t . She is r e p l a c e d by a p o r t l y u n d e r s t u d y , w h o l o o k s w o r s e still in t h e n e w l y strapless n u m b e r . This t u r m o i l t a k e s its t o l l o n t h e b r i d e - t o - b e . R e a l i s i n g t h a t her m a g a z i n e d i d n o t p r e p a r e her f o r this c a t f i g h t , t h e bridal

f r e a k o u t occurs. M o n t h s o f a v o i d i n g s o l i d f o o d a t her dressmaker's insistence has r e n d e r e d her u n s t a b l e . She m e d i c a t e s h e r a n x i e t y with a panic b i n g e consisting of carbohydrates, glucose, e g o c e n t r i s m a n d s t r e a k e d mascara. T h e b i g d a y d r a w s e v e r nearer.

BuX/hen's nights
Following the financially and emotionally crippling odyssey that is
the bridal freakout, the bogan moves on to the most awaited part o f its n u p t i a l s . W h i l e t h e b r i d e s m a i d s i n a b o g a n w e d d i n g o f t e n fall v i c t i m t o t h e t y r a n n i c a l t a n t r u m s a n d hysterical b r e a k d o w n s o f t h e i r n e w o v e r l o r d , o n e (usually t h e l o u d e s t a n d m o s t single) will t a k e t h e heat due to one simple privilege it grants t h e m : the o p p o r t u n i t y to anoint themselves the architect of t h e most i m p o r t a n t night of t h e process i n t h e i r eyes: ' O h m y g o d O h m y g o d O h m y g o d ' . That's r i g h t , t h e hen's n i g h t . This i s t h e b r i d e s m a i d ' s c h a n c e t o assert her n e w l y h e l d b e l i e f t h a t her s i n g l e life is far, far s u p e r i o r to b e i n g w e d . It is her t i m e t o s h i n e , a n d h e r c h a n c e t o p r o v e i t b y o r g a n i s i n g a spastic o r g y of ridiculous, 'sexy' games, resulting in the bride-to-be dirty dancing with r a n d o m strangers at a random CBD p u b before passing o u t in a p o o l of her o w n v o m i t in t h e cab on t h e way home . . . But, to backtrack a bit, this t e n d e n c y is not isolated to t h e bride's f r i e n d s . A l o n g - h e l d m a l e b o g a n t r u i s m i s t h a t , u p o n b e c o m i n g m a r r i e d , t h e sex dries u p . N o t w i t h s t a n d i n g t h a t i t m a y b e b e c a u s e t h e y n o l o n g e r d e e m i t necessary t o e n g a g e i n f o r e p l a y b e y o n d 'You a w a k e ? ' , t h i s fear, rarely m e n t i o n e d a m o n g a c t u a l l y m a r r i e d b o g a n s , has b e c o m e a c k n o w l e d g e d f a c t . H e n c e , t h e b o g a n buck's n i g h t b e c a m e s y n o n y m o u s w i t h s t r i p p e r s . T h e

b e s t m a n w i l l a p p l y all o f his l i m i t e d i m a g i n a t i o n t o t h e task o f o r g a n i s i n g a special a n d u n i q u e e v e n t . O n e p a i n f u l h o u r o f t h i n k i n g later, t h e p i e c e o f p a p e r i n f r o n t o f h i m c o n t a i n i n g o n l y a g i a n t X , a f i e r y skull a n d a d o o d l e of a stick f i g u r e p e r f o r m i n g f e l l a t i o on a n o t h e r stick f i g u r e , h e d e c i d e s t o c o p y Troy's buck's idea f r o m a fortnight ago: paintball, p u b and strippers. T h e g r o o m - t o - b e ' s f r i e n d s l o u d l y rally a r o u n d t h e g r o o m - t o - b e , b r i n g i n g t o his a t t e n t i o n t h e i m p e r m a n e n c e o f his sexual f r e e d o m w i t h chants o f ' G o o n , it's y o u r last n i g h t a s a f r e e a n d s i n g l e m a n , s o d o n ' t b e a p o o f a n d l e t C a n d i d o w h a t e v e r she w a n t s t o y o u . ' C a n d i , s p u r r e d o n b y his i n e r t curiosity, w i l l p r o c e e d t o p r e p a r e h i m f o r m a r r i e d life b y c o v e r i n g h i m i n c r e a m a n d t r y i n g t o s h o v e a d i l d o up his b u m . N o t to be o u t d o n e , however, the female b o g a n , in the name o f ' f e m i n i s m ' , d e c i d e d t h a t a n y t h i n g t h e b l o k e s can d o , t h e y can d o b i g g e r , dirtier, s m e l l i e r a n d lamer. A l l w h i l e w e a r i n g a f e a t h e r b o a , a r i d i c u l o u s sash a n d p i n k plastic t i a r a . A n d d r i n k i n g Bacardi t h r o u g h a s t r a w t h a t is hilariously s h a p e d like a - w a i t f o r it - p e n i s ! B o g a n b r i d e s m a i d s have t h u s i d e n t i f i e d a p l e t h o r a o f m e t h o d s t o h u m i l i a t e a n d d e g r a d e this p e c u l i a r b r a n d o f p o u l t r y . B y b o o k i n g a t w o - h o u r session w h e r e t h e h e n can ' l e a r n sexy n e w m o v e s ' b y r e p e a t e d l y f a l l i n g off a p o l e , t h e hen's n i g h t is a c u r i o u s inversion of t h e buck's night aesthetic - m e n o g l i n g at w o m e n turning into women wanting to be ogled by men. T h e key m e s s a g e o f t h e e v e n i n g i s t h a t it's t h e last c h a n c e t h a t t h e b o g a n will ever g e t t o party. This i s d e s p i t e t h e f a c t t h a t t h e b o g a n r e m a i n s i r r e s p o n s i b l e a n d i m p u l s i v e f o r m o s t o f its l i f e s p a n , a n d i s q u i t e likely t o d i v o r c e a n d e x p e r i e n c e a t least o n e a d d i t i o n a l b u c k ' s / h e n ' s n i g h t i n its n a m e i n t h e f u t u r e .

W i t h this ritual d u t i f u l l y c a r r i e d o u t , t h e b o g a n s are n o w r e a d y t o marry.

Weddings: her big day

Saturday morning, 11 am. The bride is 15 minutes late, just as she
p l a n n e d it. She i s r e a d y f o r HER d a y . T h e g r o o m a n d his f i v e m e n s t a n d i n t h e i r r e n t e d suits w i t h l a v e n d e r cravats a n d p o c k e t h a n d k e r c h i e f s ($1500) l o o k i n g g e n e r i c a l l y a w k w a r d / n e r v o u s , j u s t as she p l a n n e d . T h e b r i d a l car arrives - a s t r e t c h H u m m e r ($2000) - m a k e s a f i f t e e n - p o i n t t u r n in o r d e r to g e t in t h e church's ($5000) d r i v e w a y . T h e b r i d e a n d h e r f i v e m a i d s spill o u t , e a c h t r i p p i n g o v e r i n a n e f f o r t t o a v o i d s t e p p i n g o n her s t r a p l e s s , y e t v e i l e d , g o w n ($5500). They s t a n d , w a i t i n g , freezing in t h e (unplanned) b a d w e a t h e r i n t h e i r unnecessarily s h o r t l a v e n d e r dresses ($2500), e a c h w i t h skin a n i n c a n d e s c e n t o r a n g e h u e , t h e i r hair ($400) a n d m a k e u p ($300) s t r u g g l i n g t o r e m a i n i n p l a c e i n t h e b i t i n g w i n d a n d d r i v i n g rain. A s t h e i P o d a t t a c h e d b e h i n d t h e scenes b e g i n s p l a y i n g ' O n e ' by U2, she a p p e a r s , r a d i o a c t i v e in her l u m i n e s c e n c e ($50), in t h e d o o r w a y . She t h e n w a i t s 1 5 m i n u t e s m o r e w h i l e her r e t i n u e p a c e s slowly, s o n o r o u s l y d o w n t h e aisle o n e at a t i m e in intervals p r e d e t e r m i n e d b y Jenny, t h e w e d d i n g p l a n n e r ($2000). B u t first, t h e ' a d o r a b l e ' n i e c e a n d n e p h e w p o t t e r aimlessly d o w n t o t h e altar, c o n f u s e d l y t o s s i n g f l o w e r s i n e v e r y w h i c h d i r e c t i o n w h i l e d r o o l i n g o n t h e i r c u s t o m - m a d e t u x e d o ($300) a n d dress ($500). S p e a k i n g o f f l o w e r s , b r i d e s m a i d # 4 left hers i n t h e H u m m e r , a n d dashes o u t t o g e t t h e m ($400). Eventually, relishing in t h e incessant flash of her f r i e n d s ' a n d f a m i l y ' s SLR b u l b s , she arrives at t h e altar, a q u e e r l o o k of

j o y a n d r e s o l u t e d e t e r m i n a t i o n o n her f a c e . H e r b e a u , a n d his a c c o m p a n y i n g e n t o u r a g e , are t h e e m b o d i m e n t o f t h e o p p o s i t e o f t h e i r b e h a v i o u r a w e e k earlier - at t h e buck's - as t h e y c h e e r f u l l y s t a n d b y a n d w a t c h t h e i r m a t e cry like a l i t t l e g i r l (just a s she p l a n n e d ) a s t h e m u s i c swells, t h e c a m e r a s p o i n t i n his d i r e c t i o n a n d t h e v i d e o g r a p h e r ($2000) z o o m s i n . T h e p r i e s t ($400) s m i l e s b e n i g n l y o n his s u p p l i c a n t s , a n d b e g s t h e m t o sit. T h e b r i d e i s g l a d a s she h a s n ' t e a t e n f o r f o u r days a n d i s f e e l i n g w o o z y . T h e p r i e s t t h e n b e g i n s t o i n v o k e his b o g - s t a n d a r d c o l l e c t i o n o f p l a t i t u d e s f o r t h e m a s s e d h o r d e , w h i c h laps t h e m u p enthusiastically. T h e f i f t h b r i d e s m a i d a n d g r o o m s m a n , left w i t h n o j o b s t o d o , are a s k e d t o u n d e r t a k e t h e r e a d i n g s , w h i c h are l i f t e d f r o m a list o f p o s s i b l e r e a d i n g s o f f e r e d b y t h e p r i e s t , h e n c e have n o actual r e l a t i o n s h i p t o e i t h e r b r i d e o r g r o o m , a s n e i t h e r are really Christian. They do so, in t h e stilted, singsong manner of those w h o have r e h e a r s e d studiously, y e t s t r u g g l e t o p r o n o u n c e ' b e g a t ' . H o w e v e r , t h e b r i d e i s insistent t h a t t h e i r w e d d i n g b e ' d i f f e r e n t ' . A t first, this causes s o m e c o n s t e r n a t i o n , as, w h e n p r e s s e d , n e i t h e r party can conceive of h o w to achieve this. Until she s t u m b l e s u p o n t h e i d e a o f p e r s o n a l i s e d v o w s i n her f i f t h issue o f Aussie Bride ($18.95). T h e y s p e n d m i n u t e s each g o o g l i n g f u r i o u s l y t h e b e s t w o r d s t h e y can steal f r o m o t h e r p e o p l e t o d e v e l o p t h e i r o w n special v o w s . Several m i n u t e s o f ' l o v e s ' a n d ' I will always p u t a w a y t h e dishes'-style ' v o w s ' later, t h e p r i e s t smiles b e n i g n l y o n c e a g a i n , asks t h e o b l i g a t o r y q u e s t i o n s , receives t h e o b l i g a t o r y answers. A f t e r t h e f o r m a l i t i e s are c o m p l e t e d , t h e p a r t y m o v e s o u t s i d e a n d g r e e t i n g s are m a d e . T h e n t h e b r i d a l p a r t y v a n i s h e s , a l o n g w i t h its e x t e n d e d family, f o r t h e f i v e - h o u r session o f p h o t o g r a p h s ($7000) i n v a r i o u s locales. D u r i n g this t i m e , t h e g u e s t s r e t u r n t o

t h e i r cars t o d r i v e f o r a n h o u r t o t h e r e m o t e w i n e r y w h e r e ' t h e reception ($200 per head = $40,000) is to be held. The guests arrive ( p e t r o l = $ 4 0 , a c c o m m o d a t i o n = $200), a n d d u t i f u l l y p l a c e their gifts f r o m t h e registry ($50-$5000) on t h e allocated t a b l e . W h e n t h e in-laws all arrive, t h e y g e n t l y p r o d each o t h e r t o d i s c o v e r which family spent m o r e on t h e B B Q / d i n i n g s e t / h o n e y m o o n suite, until o n e f a t h e r learns w h a t h e b e l i e v e s t o b e t h e t r u t h , a n d struts off w i t h a self-satisfied smirk. T h e r e c e p t i o n hall, c l a d e n t i r e l y i n w h i t e a n d f e a t u r i n g a fourp i e c e jazz b a n d ($2000), i s full o f t i r e d , b o r e d g u e s t s , w a i t i n g f o r t h e b a r t o o p e n b y t h e t i m e t h e c o u p l e a n d t h e i r c r e w arrive. A n o t h e r 4 5 m i n u t e s later, t h e e n t i r e b r i d a l p a r t y have b e e n introduced and seated, and the eating and drinking begin in e a r n e s t . T h e cake ($1000) is c u t b e f o r e it collapses u n d e r its o w n w e i g h t . The dance (to Michael Buble's version of ' M o o n d a n c e ' ) i s d a n c e d . T h e g r o o m ' s uncle falls a s l e e p i n t h e corner. T h e f i f t h g r o o m s m a n - t h e b r i d e ' s w e i r d y o u n g e r b r o t h e r w h o n o o n e really likes - has b e e n s e n t t o sit i n t h e car after h e t o u c h e d u p t h e m a i d of honour. The fathers-in-law have c o m e to fisticuffs after one r e n e g e d o n his r e s p o n s i b i l i t y t o c o v e r half o f t h e $ 7 5 , 0 0 0 bill f o r t h e day. T h e b r i d e , b e f o r e l e a v i n g , tosses t h e b o u q u e t . T h e ladies present make their obligatory gestures towards not wanting to stand in the pack before surreptitiously muscling others out of t h e w a y i n a n e f f o r t t o w a l k a w a y t h e victor. T h e m e n p r e s e n t t a k e careful n o t e of w h i c h p a r t i c i p a n t s are m o s t a g g r e s s i v e . . . Finally, t h e g r o o m carries his n e w b r i d e upstairs t o t h e i r suite f o r t h e n i g h t . Finally, a f t e r her d a y has r u n itself o u t , he can have HIS m o m e n t . He c a n nail a c h i c k in a w e d d i n g d r e s s . She falls asleep a s h e d i s r o b e s . J u s t like she p l a n n e d it. H e t a p s her o n t h e

shoulder, a n d says, 'You a w a k e ? ' She d o e s n ' t stir. He c o n t e m p l a t e s d o i n g i t anyway.

Faux lesbianism
Almost everything the bogan does revolves around drawing attention
t o itself. B e i t t h e h i g h e s t hair, t h e m o s t g a r i s h t - s h i r t , t h e m o s t f l u o r e s c e n t laces o n its shiny n e w D u n l o p Volleys, t h e b i g g e s t g u n s or t h e largest sunglasses, t h e b o g a n is living a c o n s t a n t a u d i t i o n t o b e a c o n t e s t a n t o n B i g Brother. M o r e s p e c i f i c a l l y , h o w e v e r , t h e b o g a n has a n a r r o w e r f o c u s o n a t t r a c t i n g t h e a t t e n t i o n o f t h e o p p o s i t e sex. As this sartorial a n d b e h a v i o u r a l arms race c o n t i n u e s to e s c a l a t e , a m b i t i o u s b o g a n s are b e i n g f o r c e d t o r e v e r t t o everm o r e o u t r a g e o u s activities i n o r d e r t o s t a n d o u t . W h i l e t h e m a l e b o g a n c o n t i n u e s t o e m b r a c e sheer muscular b u l k a n d g a u d y a t t i r e , its f e m a l e c o u n t e r p a r t has r e a l i s e d t h a t t h e m a l e c o u l d n ' t g i v e t w o shits a b o u t w h a t she was w e a r i n g . She h a d t o s t a n d o u t b y e m p h a s i s i n g her sexual availability. This is n o t as easy as it o n c e w a s . In t h e early d a y s , it was a s i m p l e m a t t e r o f w e a r i n g r e v e a l i n g c l o t h e s , w h i c h i s harmless e n o u g h . T h e n c a m e t h e c o m m o d i f i c a t i o n o f Playboy, e n t r e n c h i n g i n t h e b o g a n m i n d a n o t i o n o f t h e f e m i n i n e i d e a l s p a w n e d f r o m t h e syphilisridden m i n d of an 83-year-old Lothario. But shortly thereafter, b o g a n s discovered internet p o r n , and Pandora's b o x was well a n d t r u l y o p e n e d . S u d d e n l y , t h e m a l e b o g a n ' s d e f i n i t i o n o f 'sexy' devolved to one of t w o definitions: 'fake-tittied blonde copping a t a g t e a m f r o m a pair o f o v e r s i z e d b o u n c e r s / p o r n stars' o r 'chicks making o u t / s t r a p p i n g o n ' . In t h e absence of societal acceptance o f b r e a k i n g o u t sex t o y s i n p u b l i c , b o g a n girls b e g a n s l a m m i n g

their t o n g u e s d o w n each others' throats w i t h an enthusiasm that t h e i r p o t e n t i a l p a r a m o u r s f o u n d all t h e m o r e i n t o x i c a t i n g f o r its insecurity a n d d e s p e r a t i o n . The male b o g a n even f o u n d a second benefit, as it could now appear to accept homosexuality without e v e r h a v i n g t o c o n d o n e t w o g u y s , y o u k n o w , d o i n g it. Today, t h e f a u x - l e s b i a n e n c o u n t e r t e n d s t o h a p p e n a b o u t f i v e cruisers i n t o a t e n - c r u i s e r - a n d - h a l f - b o t t l e - o f - J a c k - D a n i e l s n i g h t . T h e b o g a n m a l e , s t a l k i n g its a p p e a l i n g l y t a n d e m prey, w a i t s u n t i l m a n y m o r e o f t h o s e t e n cruisers h a v e d i s a p p e a r e d b e f o r e m a k i n g its m o v e . G e n t l y , w o r d l e s s l y , h e g u i d e s t h e n o w - m a l l e a b l e f a u x lesbian f e m m e b o g a n s t o a n upstairs b e d r o o m , b e f o r e a t t e m p t i n g t o p e r f o r m a n (albeit c o n f u s i n g ) o n e - m a n C h i n e s e f i n g e r t r a p o n o n e or b o t h . All t o o o f t e n , t h e evening ends w i t h the male b o g a n c o v e r t l y p e r f o r m i n g t h e S t r a n g e r * o n itself i n a n e a r b y c a r p a r k .

Massive perambulators
The bogan likes to procreate. Its desire to simultaneously possess
a n d d e v o u r its c a k e has r e s u l t e d i n f u r i o u s , i l l - a d v i s e d s p a w n i n g . W i t h t h e federal g o v e r n m e n t p r o v i d i n g r e p l a c e m e n t cake in t h e f o r m of t h e b a b y b o n u s , b o g a n s have b r o u g h t a b o u t a malaise t h a t has h a d f a r - r e a c h i n g e f f e c t s across t h e p o l i t i c a l a n d social l a n d s c a p e o f t h e c o u n t r y . A t r a f f i c j a m o f b o g a n o f f s p r i n g has been unleashed o n t o the unsuspecting w o r l d , one Mercedes and M c L a r e n a t a t i m e . W h i l e b o g a n p r o g e n y are m o s t l y harmless u n t i l t h e a g e o f t h r e e , t h e y d o r e q u i r e assistance t o b e t r a n s p o r t e d p r i o r t o d e v e l o p i n g f u l l y f u n c t i o n a l w a l k i n g skills. A n d t h e o n l y w a y a b o g a n ' s b a b y m a y t r a v e l i s via t h e b i g g e s t , l o u d e s t a n d

As explained on p a g e 273.

m o s t x t r e m e f o r m o f b a b y c o n v e y a n c e - a massive, 'fuck-off, w e ' r e fertile' pram. M u m m a H u m m e r s , a s t h e y are a f f e c t i o n a t e l y k n o w n , are t h e a r m o u r e d tanks of t h e baby transport w o r l d , t h e M1 A b r a m s of t h e t o d d l e r m o v i n g u n i v e r s e . T h e s e g i a n t i n f a n t carriers ruthlessly d o m i n a t e every f o o t p a t h , z e b r a crossing a n d f o o d c o u r t aisle t h a t t h e y h a p p e n t o r u m b l e across. S h o u l d a stray p e d e s t r i a n o r n o n x t r e m e p r a m cross t h e i r p a t h , t h e v i c t i m i s likely t o b e s u b j e c t e d to the bogan's perspective on parenthood. 'I'm fucking outraged. I blame us to one those I this have whole more thing on the bloody because get us five how bloody

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drink sav blonk for a year.' W h i l e t h e b o g a n c o u l d have o b t a i n e d a p e r f e c t l y s e r v i c e a b l e p r a m a n d o t h e r accessories f o r a f i f t h o f t h e p r i c e , p r o d u c t s t h a t d o n ' t a l l o w f o r x t r e m e c h i l d r e a r i n g are n o t realistic a l t e r n a t i v e s . T h e massive $ 2 4 5 0 p r a m a l l o w s t h e b o g a n t o e n d o w itself w i t h u n g o d l y levels o f p a r e n t a l t e r r i t o r i a l i t y , a n d i n c l u d e s t e c h n o l o g y a d a p t e d f r o m t h e s p a c e s h u t t l e . For w h i l e t h e b o g a n m o t h e r is w a l k i n g a c h i l d i n s t e a d of a p i t b u l l , she desires to i n t i m i d a t e all t h e s a m e . S o o n , a clever d e s i g n e r will realise t h e c o m m e r c i a l possibilities o f c o v e r i n g t h e side o f p r a m s w i t h t r i b a l t a t t o o d e s i g n s and t o o t h s o m e h o r n e d animals.

Footy trips
While its mating patterns have been mentioned before, there
exists a n i n t e r e s t i n g a n o m a l y i n b o g a n b e h a v i o u r . I n t h e m o n t h s o f

S e p t e m b e r a n d O c t o b e r , a m i g r a t i o n o f b o g a n males o f b r e e d i n g age occurs as the weather begins to g r o w warmer. But instead of flying south to m o r e t e m p e r a t e climes, flocks of f o o t y playing bogans will b o a r d a Jetstar b o g a n bus and migrate northwards towards the tropics. After having spent t h e winter months foraging f o r a l e a t h e r b a l l , t h e b o g a n m a l e i s n o w r e a d y t o d e d i c a t e all o f its t i m e t o b i n g e d r i n k i n g a n d r u t t i n g . Flocks o f s o u t h e r n b o g a n s fly t o d i f f e r e n t t r o p i c a l b r e e d i n g g r o u n d s , w i t h s o m e flocks r e t u r n i n g t o t h e very s a m e site year after year. Large f o o t y - t r i p b r e e d i n g g r o u n d s are f o u n d i n B y r o n Bay, Surfers Paradise, N o o s a , a n d as far n o r t h as Bali a n d P h u k e t . W h i l e t h e b o g a n ' s a n c e s t o r s c a m e t o m a n y o f t h e s e places t o b r e e d , t h e b o g a n has r e c e n t l y h a d t o a d a p t t o t h e c h a n g i n g c o n d i t i o n s . T h e availability o f e x o t i c f r u i t s such a s r o h y p n o l , ecstasy a n d t e q u i l a s l a m m e r s has c a u s e d t h e b o g a n ' s f e e d i n g h a b i t s t o c h a n g e , a s has t h e a d v e n t o f h i g h e r p e r c h i n g sites - s o m e u p t o 6 0 s t o r e y s h i g h . T h e m a l e b o g a n has b e e n k n o w n t o f e e d t h e s e f r u i t s t o f e m a l e s on its p e r c h , f u l f i l l i n g its r o l e as h u n t e r g a t h e r e r . W h i l e s o m e t h i n g s have c h a n g e d , s o m e have n o t . T h e availability o f w a t e r i s crucial t o b o g a n b r e e d i n g , causing i n t e n s e p e c k i n g a n d g l a s s i n g a m o n g f o o t y - t r i p p i n g b o g a n m a l e s i n c o a s t a l areas t o s e c u r e t h e b e s t b r e e d i n g sites. T h e p r e s e n c e o f f l o c k m e m b e r s n a m e d H a m m e r , J o n n o , Shagger, Tank a n d S p i d e r has also b e e n a c o n s t a n t f o r g e n e r a t i o n s o f b o g a n males. T h e b o g a n w h o i s a b l e t o m a t e w i t h t h e m o s t f e m a l e s i s g e n e r a l l y a n o i n t e d a s leader. T h e s e a t t e m p t s a t b a r e b a c k m a t i n g will c o n t i n u e t h r o u g h o u t t h e n i g h t , w i t h v a r y i n g levels o f success. Like a b e e d a n c i n g t h e d e t a i l s o f t h e w h e r e a b o u t s o f p o l l e n t o t h e rest o f its hive, t h e f o o t y - t r i p p i n g b o g a n r e p o r t s i n v i v i d d e t a i l

its m a t i n g a t t e m p t s t o t h e rest o f its m i g r a t o r y f l o c k . This b e h a v i o u r i s e v o l v i n g , h o w e v e r , w i t h m a n y b o g a n males n o w using m o b i l e phones to record themselves or other members of their flock m a t i n g . T h e f o o t a g e i s d i s p l a y e d t o t h e rest o f t h e f l o c k , i n all its f l a p p i n g a n d s q u a w k i n g glory. M a n y f o o t y - t r i p p i n g b o g a n s possess b r e e d i n g p a r t n e r s b a c k near t h e i r w i n t e r f o r a g i n g g r o u n d s , a n d t h e s e p a r t n e r s are n o t , u n d e r any c i r c u m s t a n c e s , p e r m i t t e d t o learn o f t h e h a p p e n i n g s a t t h e O c t o b e r b r e e d i n g site. T o p r e v e n t this f r o m o c c u r r i n g , t h e f o o t y - t r i p p i n g b o g a n s have devised a special call to each o t h e r ; ' w h a t h a p p e n s on t o u r stays on t o u r ' . If a m e m b e r o f t h e f l o c k breaks this c o d e , t h e y are b a n i s h e d a n d f o r c e d t o seek m a t i n g p a r t n e r s w i t h o u t t h e assistance o f t h e p a c k . A t t h e c o n c l u s i o n o f its a n n u a l w e e k - l o n g p e r i o d i n t h e t r o p i c s , t h e s u n b u r n t , l i v e r - d a m a g e d , a n d g o n o r r h o e a - a f f l i c t e d b o g a n will t a k e w i n g o n c e m o r e , a n d r e t u r n s o u t h . I t w i l l arrive b a c k a t t h e nest o f its n o r m a l m a t i n g p a r t n e r , w h o will n u r t u r e t h e m a l e b a c k to health over t h e following 11 months.

The Brisbane Broncos

On 3 July 2009, the male bogan was happily nestled on its interestfree couch, w a t c h i n g t h e Broncos v Warriors g a m e on t h e plasma a n d n u r s i n g a beer. ' B a a a a a y b e ? ' c a m e a v o i c e f r o m six r o o m s away in the kitchen of the M c M a n s i o n . The b o g a n continued to w a t c h t h e g a m e , a n d b a r k e d a t Israel Folau's f u m b l e o f t h e b a l l . 'Baaaaaaaybe?' came the voice again. At the next commercial break, t h e male b o g a n responded. 'What?' ' W e need t o talk, b a b e , ' declared t h e female b o g a n , k n o w i n g f u l l w e l l t h a t t h e g a m e w a s still u n d e r w a y a t S u n c o r p S t a d i u m . W h i l e t h e m a l e b o g a n d i d n ' t k n o w t h i s , its p a r t n e r h a d b e e n o n

the same interest-free couch the previous evening, watching A Current Affair. T h e f e m a l e h a d n ' t s l e p t w e l l t h a t n i g h t . Irritated

at b e i n g pulled away f r o m t h e plasma, t h e male t r u d g e d t h r o u g h t h e study, t h e n t h r o u g h t h e f o r m a l d i n i n g r o o m , t h e n t h e l o u n g e , library a n d meals r o o m , e v e n t u a l l y j o i n i n g t h e f e m a l e a t t h e k i t c h e n table. 'What?' ' B a b e , I've b e e n t h i n k i n g . I w a n t to start a family. I was w a - ' T h e m a l e c u t her off, f e a r in his eyes. 'WHAT?!?' The female b o g a n yelled back, d e m a n d i n g to be allowed to c o n t i n u e . ' A s I b l o o d y s a i d , I w a s w a t c h i n g A Current Affair last night.' 'So?' replied the male, aware that t h e commercial break back in the rumpus r o o m w o u l d be ending within the next few seconds. ' W e l l , a s o f t w o days a g o , t h e b a b y b o n u s i s w o r t h like a g r a n d m o r e t h a n it was a c o u p l e of years b a c k . ' T h e m a l e b o g a n ' s f a c e s o f t e n e d . I n its p r i v a t e m o m e n t s , i t h a d o f t e n t h o u g h t t o itself t h a t i t m i g h t like t o b e a f a t h e r o n e day. I t w a s n ' t e n t i r e l y h a p p y w i t h t h e size o f its p l a s m a s c r e e n , a n d i t p a u s e d t o c o n s i d e r w h e t h e r i t w o u l d finally b e a b l e t o c o n v i n c e t h e f e m a l e o f t h e n e e d t o u p g r a d e it, b u t t h a t c o n v e r s a t i o n w o u l d have t o w a i t . ' O h , babe,' it gushed, leaning forward to embrace the female b o g a n . T h e y r e m a i n e d i n e a c h o t h e r ' s a r m s f o r w h a t s e e m e d like an eternity. ' W h a t do you think of Tyarnee?' asked the female politely. ' N a h , it'll be a little b l o k e . . . Tysenn.' N o t e v e n d i f f e r e n c e s of o p i n i o n like this c o u l d c o m e b e t w e e n t h e m n o w . Later t h a t e v e n i n g , t h e b o g a n m a l e w e n t t o b u y t w o b o t t l e s o f

M o e t t o c e l e b r a t e w i t h , a n d t h e pair o f t h e m discussed e x t e n d i n g t h e M c M a n s i o n to i n c l u d e a nursery, a k i d s ' r u m p u s , a n d a c u b b y h o u s e w i t h a n X b o x a n d p l a s m a . ' O h , I c a n ' t w a i t t o use t h e b a b y b o n u s to shop for Armani Junior!' enthused the female b o g a n . ' D o t h e y m a k e B r o n c o s j e r s e y s ? ' its p a r t n e r r e p l i e d .

Richard Mercer
The bogan will tell you that, unlike the non-bogan, it has an innate
a n d entire g r a s p o f t h e 'real w o r l d ' . T h e b o g a n ' s real w o r l d c o n t a i n s h e a p s o f t h i n g s b o g a n s like, such a s r o a d r a g e , killing t h i n g s a n d i n t e r e s t f r e e f i n a n c e f o r e n o r m o u s p l a s m a screens. B u t , b e i n g t h e real w o r l d , s o m e t i m e s t h e r e are also t h i n g s t h a t b o g a n s d o n o t a t all like. A r g u a b l y t h e f o r e m o s t d o w n s i d e o f t h e real w o r l d i s t h e b o g a n ' s e x p o s u r e t o t h e c o n s e q u e n c e s o f its i l l - c o n s i d e r e d actions. O f t e n t i m e s , t h e b o g a n calls o n t h e g o v e r n m e n t t o ' d o s o m e t h i n g ' . T h e rest o f t h e t i m e , i t calls o n Richard M e r c e r . F r o m 8 p m t o m i d n i g h t S u n d a y t o Thursday, Richard's b a r i t o n e w o r d s are o n h a n d t o s o o t h t h e a n x i o u s b o g a n i n t h e f o r m o f his successful r a d i o s h o w Love Song Dedications. H o w was t h e b o g a n t o k n o w t h a t c h e a t i n g o n its b o y f r i e n d w i t h its b o y f r i e n d ' s b r o t h e r w a s g o i n g t o j e o p a r d i s e its r e l a t i o n s h i p ? A l l t h e b o g a n k n o w s i s t h a t i t w a n t s e v e r y t h i n g b a c k t o n o r m a l , a n d t h a t Richard i s t h e c e n t r a l p l a n k i n this r e s t o r a t i v e process. A l l t h e b o g a n n e e d s t o d o i s call R i c h a r d , w a i l d i s j o i n t e d l y o n t h e r a d i o f o r 2 0 s e c o n d s , a n d t h e n Richard w i l l u n v e i l his c h o c o l a t e y t o n e s t o a n n o u n c e t h a t e v e r y t h i n g i n t h e real w o r l d w i l l t u r n o u t j u s t f i n e . This m o d e r n day version of a church confessional comes w i t h the a d d e d b o g a n b r o a d c a s t b o n u s o f a i r i n g its d i r t y l a u n d r y t o a w i d e r a u d i e n c e t h a n is p o s s i b l e at t h e p u b .

A f t e r b e i n g i n f o r m e d b y Richard t h a t ' i t s o u n d s like y o u really d o care f o r h i m ' , t h e b o g a n a g r e e s b l u b b e r i n g l y a n d awaits t h e first bars o f ' H o w A m I S u p p o s e d T o Live W i t h o u t Y o u ' b y M i c h a e l B o l t o n . It k n o w s t h a t its p e n a n c e has b e e n s e r v e d , a n d t h a t it is only a matter of t i m e before the estranged lover comes scuttling b a c k i n t o its l e c h e r o u s arms. I t d o e s n o t o c c u r t o t h e b o g a n t h a t t h e r e i s a n i n f i n i t e s i m a l l y small c h a n c e t h a t t h e i n t e n d e d r e c i p i e n t i s actually l i s t e n i n g t o t h e s h o w , a n d t h a t it's far m o r e likely t h a t t h e y ' r e o u t o n t h e p r o w l f o r s o m e o n e w h o isn't i d i o t i c e n o u g h t o t h i n k t h a t Richard M e r c e r ' s v e l v e t - c o a t e d d u n g e o n is a v a l u a b l e diplomatic instrument. M e a n w h i l e , Richard p l o u g h s o n , his u n b r e a k a b l e j o b s e c u r i t y underpinned by the tens of thousands of bogans whose decisionm a k i n g skills m a k e t h e m t i c k i n g t i m e b o m b s f o r d e s p e r a t e love song dedications d o w n the track. D u b b e d the 'Love G o d ' by listeners a n d t h e M i x F M n e t w o r k o f b r o a d c a s t e r s , this luckless d e i t y i s c o n s i g n e d t o a w e e k l y 2 0 - h o u r d o s a g e o f b o g a n hell f o r all e t e r n i t y .

Prefacing racist statements with Tm not racist b u t . . . '

The bogan is a beacon of tolerance. This comes from the brief
association w i t h a p e r s o n f r o m a d i f f e r e n t c o u n t r y / r a c e / r e l i g i o n at t h e local Thai o r C h i n e s e t a k e a w a y , t h e o s t r a c i s e d w o r k c o l l e a g u e , or the evening spent on the Coronas with a mate's girlfriend's f r i e n d ' s A s i a n f r i e n d . T h u s , i n t h e e v e n t o f a discussion r e l a t i n g t o racism, A b o r i g i n a l s o r A s i a n d r i v e r s , t h e b o g a n i s all k n o w i n g . Each s t a t e m e n t typically b e g i n s w i t h an h o n e s t a d m i s s i o n such as: 'I'm bastards.' Or: 'I'm Seriously, end not a racist... couple world.' but those of them fucking curries should quit whining. the not racist. . . but those Abos really have it too good, the

get bashed and you'd think

it was

of the

This f o r m o f d i s c l a i m e r can b e e x t e n d e d b e y o n d o c c a s i o n a l i n t e r a c t i o n s w i t h f o r e i g n e r s , a n d m a n y b o g a n s w i l l actively carry, w e a r o r e n a c t visible o r t a n g i b l e e v i d e n c e o f t h e i r g o d - g i v e n r i g h t to besmirch those w h o differ from t h e m . C o m m o n examples include Buddhist iconography - in t h e f o r m of h o m e furnishings, o r t h e m o r e p o r t a b l e k e y c h a i n - t-shirts e m b l a z o n e d w i t h f o r e i g n languages, or t a t t o o s w i t h b a d translations of c o m m o n phrases i n l a n g u a g e s o f c o u n t r i e s i t h a t e s . T h e b o g a n can e q u a l l y s m e a r d i f f e r e n t religions (Muslims) a n d lifestyles (the Gays). A similar v a r i a n t t o t h e ' I ' m n o t racist, b u t . . . ' p r e f i x i s t h e ' S o m e o f m y b e s t f r i e n d s are [insert s u b j e c t o f v i l i f i c a t i o n ] , b u t . . . ' This n o t o n l y provides the b o g a n with t h e high horse of moral certitude, but the a p p e a r a n c e o f i m p a r t i a l i t y . T h e b o g a n , i n its s u f f o c a t i n g c o c o o n o f

i n t o l e r a n c e , b e l i e v e s t h a t lying a b o u t its g a y f r i e n d s (it has n o n e ) gives i t special licence t o a t t a c k , b e c a u s e i t k n o w s t h e m s o w e l l . By p r o u d l y d i s p l a y i n g in this f a s h i o n , t h e b o g a n carries a s e m i p e r m a n e n t s i g n i f i e r t h a t , w h e n t h e y ruthlessly a n d unnecessarily characterise an e n t i r e b i l l i o n - s t r o n g e t h n i c g r o u p on t h e basis of a tired stereotype, they do it from a position of understanding and empathy.

Contiki tours
In the 21st century, the bogan is no longer only interested in its town,
t h e nearest b e a c h a n d t h e o c c a s i o n a l t r i p t o Q u e e n s l a n d . W h i l e i t remains suspicious o f o t h e r cultures, i t w a n t s t o see t h e w o r l d , p o s e w i t h d i f f e r e n t f o r e i g n l a b e l b e e r s a n d s l e e p w i t h a s m a n y (white) f o r e i g n e r s as it c a n . E n t e r t h e C o n t i k i t o u r . C o n t i k i , a n d c o m p a n i e s like it, p a c k a g e u p overseas e x p e r i e n c e s s o t h a t t h e b o g a n can satisfy all o f t h e s e n e e d s . U p t o 6 0 b o g a n s are l o a d e d i n t o a b u s a t t h e a i r p o r t , a n d are t h e n w h i s k e d a r o u n d for the next f o r t n i g h t , v o m i t i n g in a different part of a new country e a c h day. T h e b o g a n i s a b l e t o physically w i t n e s s m a n y l a n d m a r k s i t has seen o n t e l e v i s i o n , a n d p a r t i c i p a t e i n hilarious ' h o l d i n g u p t h e l e a n i n g t o w e r ' style p h o t o s . O v e r a n d o v e r a n d o v e r a g a i n . A l l w i t h o u t t h e d r e a d e d n e e d t o p r o b l e m s o l v e , learn o r c o m m u n i c a t e w i t h locals. The tour company, meanwhile, organises every meal, b e d , transfer and drinking location, while supervising and microm a n a g i n g e v e r y m o m e n t . This leaves t h e b o g a n t o d o w h a t i t d o e s b e s t - c r e a t e a b o o r i s h , i g n o r a n t v o r t e x t h a t ruins t h e l o c a t i o n f o r a n y o n e else w h o h a p p e n s t o b e t h e r e , a n d m a k e clumsy attempts to fornicate with other members of the tour group. W i t h

rarely m o r e t h a n 2 4 h o u r s s p e n t i n o n e city, C o n t i k i a b l y caters t o the short attention span and one-dimensional needs of the new bogan. N o w t h a t C o n t i k i has r e c e n t l y c o m m e n c e d o f f e r i n g all-inclusive t o u r s t h r o u g h S o u t h East Asia, t h e b o g a n is n o w able to visit a w h o l e array o f c o u n t r i e s i n t h e r e g i o n p r e v i o u s l y o f f limits. H e n c e , t h e m a l e b o g a n can n o w b e seen i n his h o m e t o w n w i t h a w i d e r array o f f o r e i g n b e e r - b r a n d e d s i n g l e t s t h a n ever b e f o r e , i m p r e s s i n g t h e f e m a l e b o g a n w i t h his n e w sense o f c o s m o p o l i t a n i s m , w o r l d l i n e s s a n d sexually t r a n s m i t t e d diseases. T h e f e m a l e t o o i s m o r e w o r l d l y , thanks to t h e purchase of an oriental t h e m e d h o m e furnishing, acquired after haggling and berating a street vendor for ten m i n u t e s t o save 4 0 c e n t s .

Locally produced, foreign label beer

A Crown Lager used to be enough to make the bogan look
sophisticated. The ' g o l d e n m i c r o p h o n e ' was in t h e right hand w h e n e v e r a birthday speech, awards speech or other special occasion o c c u r r e d . C r o w n was first released to t h e Australian p u b l i c t o c o m m e m o r a t e t h e Q u e e n ' s visit i n 1 9 5 4 , a l l o w i n g t h e b o g a n ' s a n c e s t o r s t o s e e m m o r e classy f o r H e r H i g h n e s s . B u t g l o b a l i s a t i o n ( a n d , p e r h a p s , r e p u b l i c a n i s m ) has m e a n t t h a t t h e n e w b o g a n n e e d s m o r e . I t n o w w a n t s t o c o m m u n i c a t e its n a t i o n a l sophistication by drinking beers from other countries. Initially, t h e t w o m a i n local b r e w e r s (Foster's a n d Lion N a t h a n ) w e r e f e a r f u l . I f t h e n e w b o g a n d i d n ' t w a n t t o d r i n k local b e e r s a s much, how w o u l d they make money? After much hand-wringing a n d w h i t e b o a r d s c r i b b l i n g , a n answer a p p e a r e d . T h e a p p r o a c h was m a d e : ' D e a r E u r o p e a n b r e w e r y , can w e please g e t p e r m i s s i o n t o

m a k e b e e r i n A u s t r a l i a , pay y o u s o w e can p u t y o u r label o n it, a n d sell i t t o o u r b o g a n s ? ' I f t h e p r i c e was r i g h t , t h e a n s w e r was o f t e n 'Yes'. Or ' J a ! ' , as t h e case m a y b e . A n d s o i t h a p p e n e d . S o o n t h e shelves o f t h e local b o t t l e s h o p w e r e s e e i n g m o r e C a r l s b e r g , Beck's, Stella A r t o i s a n d H e i n e k e n than ever before. A n d cheaper than it previously was, t o o . N o w t h e n e w b o g a n c o u l d g e t his h a n d s o n a slab o f E u r o p e a n b e e r f o r u n d e r $ 4 5 , a n d g a i n all o f t h e c r e d i b i l i t y t h a t a s l e n d e r g r e e n b o t t l e c o u l d confer. N e w b o g a n males w a n t e d t o b e h i m , b o g a n f e m a l e s w a n t e d t o b e w i t h h i m . O n e n i g h t h e was t r y i n g t o p i c k up at a b a c k p a c k e r s bar, a n d his i n t e r n a t i o n a l style c a u g h t t h e eye of a G e r m a n g i r l . He b o u g h t her a stylish beer, w h i c h she s p a t o u t o n t h e f i r s t s i p , e x c l a i m i n g , 'Zis i s n o t Beck's!' C o r r e c t analysis, G r e t c h e n , t h e p r i m a r y t h i n g i t has i n c o m m o n w i t h t h e o r i g i n a l p r o d u c t i s t h e l o g o . T h e b o g a n l o o k e d a t G r e t c h e n quizzically, w o n d e r i n g w h e t h e r she was h a v i n g t r o u b l e r e a d i n g t h e English alphabet. M e a n w h i l e , Foster's a n d Lion N a t h a n w e r e l a u g h i n g all t h e w a y to t h e bank. European beers were generally sold in 330 ml bottles i n s t e a d o f t h e A u s s i e s t a n d a r d 3 7 5 m l . This e f f e c t i v e l y m e a n t t h a t t h e y ' d m o v e d f r o m s e l l i n g 3 7 5 m l slabs o f locally m a d e b e e r f o r $ 3 5 t o selling 3 3 0 m l slabs o f locally m a d e b e e r f o r $ 4 5 . T h e licence fees o n l y t o o k up a small slice of this massive b o g a n w i n d f a l l . B u t t h e n e w b o g a n i s blissfully h a p p y . H e i s n o w a m a n o f t h e w o r l d , e v e n w h e n n o t w e a r i n g his B i n t a n g s i n g l e t .

'Fuck off, we're full' stickers

The bogan loves its car, and the bogan loves putting bumper
stickers on its car. A s e n t i m e n t t h a t has b e e n d i s t i l l e d i n t o a f e w

s h o r t w o r d s a p p e a l s t o t h e b o g a n ' s b e l i e f t h a t t h e universal o r d e r i s f u n d a m e n t a l l y s i m p l e t o g r a s p , w h i c h i s c o n v e n i e n t since its past e x p e r i e n c e s o f t h i n k i n g a b o u t t h i n g s t o o h a r d have p r o v e n f r u s t r a t i n g a n d u l t i m a t e l y u n r e w a r d i n g . Perhaps this e x p l a i n s w h y t h e b o g a n can sustain t h e c o n v i c t i o n t h a t Australia's l a n d m a s s o f 7 , 6 8 2 , 3 0 0 s q u a r e k i l o m e t r e s c a n n o t physically a c c o m m o d a t e any m o r e t h a n its c u r r e n t p o p u l a t i o n o f j u s t o v e r 2 2 m i l l i o n p e o p l e . This i d e a i s p e r p l e x i n g , b u t t h e b o g a n a p p e a r s t o b e l i e v e i t f i r m l y e n o u g h t o p l a s t e r i t o n t h e b a c k o f its b e l o v e d car. B e l i e v i n g A u s t r a l i a i s fatally o v e r c r o w d e d , o n e d o e s w o n d e r w h y t h e b o g a n p u m p e d o u t t h r e e k i d s i n t h e last t w o a n d half y e a r s , a n d t h i s is yet another example of the kind of fascinating contradictions constantly thrown up by the p h e n o m e n o n of boganism. A t t h e risk o f d o i n g T B L r e a d e r s ' w o r k f o r t h e m , t h e s t i c k e r m a k e s a l o t m o r e sense w h e n y o u l o o k at it this w a y : Australia is n o t ' f u l l ' as far as t h e b o g a n ' s o w n k i n d is c o n c e r n e d - t h e m e s s a g e is i n t e n d e d f o r f o r e i g n i m m i g r a n t s , p a r t i c u l a r l y a s y l u m seekers. T h e b o g a n i s n o t racist, b u t b e l i e v e s t h a t i m m i g r a n t s (only t h e b r o w n o n e s , o f course) d o n ' t ' a s s i m i l a t e ' , b y w h i c h i t m e a n s t h e y d o n ' t b e c o m e b o g a n s . N a t u r a l l y , t h e b o g a n has n e v e r a c t u a l l y m e t a r e f u g e e b e f o r e , a n d bases this o p i n i o n solely o n s o m e t h i n g A a r o n was saying in b e t w e e n mouthfuls of beef and black bean t h e o t h e r n i g h t . O n e o f t h e m o s t illustrative insights i n t o t h e b o g a n ' s c o n f o u n d i n g p a t h o l o g y i s t h a t t h e b o g a n claims t o like each a n d e v e r y b r o w n p e r s o n i t has e v e r c h a n c e d t o m e e t , y e t c o n t i n u e s t o maintain t h e o p i n i o n t h a t every single other b r o w n person is s o m e k i n d o f h y b r i d o f O s a m a Bin L a d e n a n d Idi A m i n . T o its m a r g i n a l c r e d i t , a n d d e s p i t e t h e f a c t t h a t t h e b o g a n drives a b o u t w i t h a racist s t a t e m e n t on t h e b a c k of its car, a t r u e b o g a n is

unlikely t o b e a m e m b e r o f a n active w h i t e s u p r e m a c i s t h a t e g r o u p . T h a t w o u l d m e a n s t r a y i n g t o o far o u t s i d e o f t h e w a r m , c r a d l i n g m a i n s t r e a m a n d , b e s i d e s , t h e i r m e e t i n g s clash w i t h Two and a Half Men. A l s o to its c r e d i t is t h e a c c u r a t e g r a m m a r a n d syntax o f t h e p r i n t e d s e n t i m e n t . N o , t h e 'Fuck off, w e ' r e f u l l ' s t i c k e r i s r a c i s m - a s - a u t o m o t i v e a d o r n m e n t , a n o d a n d a w i n k t o o t h e r racist b o g a n s - 'Yes, I'm a racist t o o , it's okay, y o u b e l o n g . N o w please a d m i r e m y sick r i m s . '

Thailand
The recent proliferation of discount airfares has seen the rise of the
w i s e , w e l l - t r a v e l l e d b o g a n . Five y e a r s a g o , Bali w a s t h e b e s t place t o o b s e r v e h e r d s o f shirtless, m i g r a t o r y b o g a n s i n t h e w i l d , b u t t h e rise o f t e r r o r i s m i n I n d o n e s i a , S c h a p e l l e C o r b y ' s w e l l publicised failure as an i m p o r t e r / e x p o r t e r , and t h e entry of Jetstar i n t o t h e A u s t r a l i a - T h a i l a n d r o u t e has seen a n e w h a b i t a t e m e r g e . M o t i v a t e d b y t h e lure o f c h e a p a l c o h o l , spicy f o o d ( o r d e r e d ' m i l d ' ) , a n d s e x p l o i t a t i o n , t h e b o g a n has e m b r a c e d B a n g k o k , P h u k e t , a n d t h a t full m o o n p l a c e a s its m o d e r n s p i r i t u a l r e t r e a t . T h a i l a n d is close e n o u g h f o r t h e b o g a n to leave its nest at d a w n , r e a d t h e latest m o v i e r e a d a p t e d to a n o v e l , or w a t c h Anchorman, a n d land i n t i m e t o b e s l u r p i n g f r o m a b u c k e t b y e v e n i n g . M u c h like t h e C o n t i k i tour, T h a i l a n d a l l o w s t h e b o g a n t o b e l i e v e i t i s h a v i n g an exotic cultural experience while speaking English, interacting o n l y w i t h o t h e r b o g a n s ( h o p e f u l l y i n c l u d i n g a t t r a c t i v e British a n d Scandinavian b o g a n s ) a n d e n g a g i n g i n activities t h e y e n g a g e i n at home. Safely e n s c o n c e d i n a P h u k e t t o u r i s t r e s o r t o r a n A u s t r a l i a n t h e m e d bar, t h e b o g a n c a n d r i n k n e a r t o x i c a m o u n t s o f c h e a p

beer, g e t b r o n z e d , e a t s p r i n g rolls, a d o r n itself w i t h b r a i d s , t r a m p s t a m p s o r t r i b a l t a t t o o s , a n d w a t c h Anchorman a g a i n . T h e m o r e a d v e n t u r o u s b o g a n can have its p h o t o t a k e n s i t t i n g o n a n e l e p h a n t or in f r o n t of a t e m p l e , or p o s i n g shirtless and s u n b u r n t on a generic beach. A t t h e e n d o f t h e w e e k , t h e b o g a n can r o u n d o u t its t r a v e l e x p e r i e n c e w i t h its f o u r t h visit t o t h e K h a o San R o a d t o u r i s t p i t , w h e r e i t can i n t e r a c t w i t h i m p o v e r i s h e d locals f o r t h e p u r p o s e o f methodically screwing t h e m out of $1.30 of the $1.40 profit margin i n t h e i r f a k e sunglasses' s t a r t i n g p r i c e . Invariably, o n e o f t h e i t e m s p u r c h a s e d is a b e e r s i n g l e t f o r itself or a l o v e d o n e to w e a r at t h e g y m back h o m e . O t h e r i t e m s r e g u l a r l y w i t n e s s e d b y J e t s t a r c a b i n c r e w i n c l u d e B u d d h i s t i c o n o g r a p h y , s t o l e n b a r mat(s), p a i n f u l l y idealistic (and o f t e n m i s s p e l l e d o r e r r o n e o u s l y t r a n s l a t e d ) t a t t o o s i n t h e local l a n g u a g e , b o g u s h i g h f a s h i o n b r a n d s , a n d a n e w - f o u n d c a p a c i t y f o r c r e d i b l e racism. O n c e h o m e , t h e b o g a n will g e t mild Thai f o o d delivered t o their next house party, enthusiastically regaling attendees with its b u c k e t g u z z l i n g e x p l o i t s t h r o u g h a m o u t h f u l o f Pad T h a i . T h e w o r l d l y b o g a n will e m p l o y its o n e w o r d Thai v o c a b u l a r y t o a t t e m p t t o say t h a n k y o u t o t h e f o o d d e l i v e r y guy, e v e n t h o u g h he's a n engineering student from Delhi.

M.I.A/s 'Paper Planes'

Mathangi Arulpragasam is a 34-year-old woman of Tamil origin,
w h o s p e n t nine of her first e l e v e n years in Sri Lanka a n d S o u t h e r n India o n t h e run b e c a u s e her f a t h e r was i n v o l v e d i n Tamil m i l i t a n c y a n d civil war. In 1986, she arrived in E n g l a n d as a r e f u g e e a l o n g s i d e her m o t h e r a n d b r o t h e r , a n d M a t h a n g i l e a r n e d English w h i l e living

on a council estate in South L o n d o n . Bogans w o u l d n o t a p p r o v e o f this story. W h e t h e r it's b e a t i n g t h e m u p a t t r a i n s t a t i o n s , r u n n i n g o u t o f t h e i r taxis w i t h o u t p a y i n g , o r j u s t g e n e r a l d e r i s i o n , t h e r e i s a s i g n i f i c a n t n u m b e r o f b o g a n s w h o s i m p l y d o n o t like ' c u r r i e s ' . I t b e l i e v e s t h a t curries smell b a d , w a n t t o steal its j o b , a n d listen t o s t u p i d h i g h - p i t c h e d music t h a t isn't t h e i r o w n s t u p i d , h i g h - p i t c h e d music. W h e n t h e w h i t e b o g a n i s i n t h e c l u b , i t w o u l d r a t h e r b e s u r r o u n d e d b y o t h e r w h i t e b o g a n s a n d listen t o sick s o n g s like M.I.A.'s ' P a p e r Planes'. As evidenced in the video, the b o g a n appeal of the song is clear. W h i l e t h e r e p e t i t i v e m e l o d y a n d lyrics m a k e t h i n g s easier f o r t h e b o g a n w h e n i t i s o n t h e d a n c e floor, b y far t h e m o s t i m p o r t a n t t h i n g t h a t ' P a p e r Planes' p r o v i d e s t h e b o g a n i s t h e chance t o s h a p e its h a n d i n t o a p i s t o l of s o m e s o r t a n d p r e t e n d t h a t it is f i r i n g a g u n . A n d n o t j u s t o n c e o r t w i c e , b u t t h e b o g a n can fire its i m a g i n a r y g u n 4 8 times d u r i n g t h e s o n g . This a p p e a l s t o t h e b o g a n ' s d e s i r e t o f e e l close t o Underbelly. N o w t h a t it's f i r i n g its g u n 4 8 t i m e s i n t h e c l u b , it is m o r e like Underbelly t h a n ever b e f o r e . T h e b o g a n feels e m p o w e r e d , d a n g e r o u s a n d d e s i r a b l e . W i t h its f o c u s exclusively o n w a i t i n g f o r t h e n e x t c h o r u s - a n d c e r t a i n l y w i t h n o i n t e n t i o n o f l i s t e n i n g t o a n y t h i n g else M . I . A . ever r e c o r d e d - t h e b o g a n ' s a t t e n t i o n strays d u r i n g t h e parts i n b e t w e e n . T h e b o g a n d o e s n o t realise t h a t d u r i n g t h i s t i m e M a t h a n g i A r u l p r a g a s a m ' s lyrics i n c l u d e phrases such as ' t h i r d w o r l d d e m o c r a c y ' , a n d t h a t A r u l p r a g a s a m ' s music i s h i g h l y p o l i t i c a l . T o q u o t e t h e lady herself, t h e s o n g i s ' a b o u t p e o p l e d r i v i n g t a x i c a b s all d a y a n d l i v i n g i n a s h i t t y a p a r t m e n t a n d " a p p e a r i n g " really t h r e a t e n i n g t o society. B u t n o t b e i n g s o . . . I w a n t e d t o see i f I

could write songs a b o u t something i m p o r t a n t and make it sound like n o t h i n g . A n d i t k i n d o f w o r k e d . ' I n d e e d , t h e b o g a n i s u t t e r l y o b l i v i o u s t h a t i t i s b e i n g e n t e r t a i n e d b y a n activist curry r e f u g e e . A g r o u p of b o g a n s later exit t h e c l u b , f e e l i n g strangely e n e r g i s e d f r o m t h e i r d o z e n J a g e r b o m b s e a c h , a n d also f r o m a n i m a t e d l y discharging their dance-floor w e a p o n s 48 times in the space of t h r e e a n d a half m i n u t e s . T h e y n e e d a n o u t l e t . U p a h e a d , t h e y spy an Indian s t u d e n t w h o a p p e a r s to be c a r r y i n g a l a p t o p b a g . . .

Border Security: Australia's Front Line

The bogan is not racist. It is, however, very much not in favour of
c r i m e a n d criminals, unless t h e y are n i c k i n g s t r e e t signs a n d b a r m a t s , o r e x p o r t i n g illicit s u b s t a n c e s i n t o I n d o n e s i a , w h i c h , a f t e r all, are harmless p a s t i m e s . P e o p l e importing illicit s u b s t a n c e s i n t o A u s t r a l i a , o n the o t h e r h a n d , are d e s p i c a b l e s c u m - this p e r c e p t i o n b e i n g r e i n f o r c e d b y o u r v e r y o w n p r i m e minister. I s i t t h e b o g a n ' s f a u l t t h a t t h e s e u n i q u e l y d i s g u s t i n g c r i m i n a l s are f r o m a n o t h e r c o u n t r y ? O b v i o u s l y not. Channel 7, realising the a w e s o m e s p e n d i n g p o w e r of the b o g a n , t h e a w e s o m e c o s t - s a v i n g p o w e r o f r e a l i t y TV, a n d t h e a w e s o m e b o g a n love of catching (foreign) criminals, c o m b i n e d t h e m all in t h e g r e a t e s t b o g a n p r o g r a m of all t i m e : Border Security: Australia's Front Line. A f t e r all, e v e n t h o u g h t h e b o g a n is n o t racist, w h a t b e t t e r w a y t o catch t h e s e a b o m i n a b l e criminals t h a n t o w h a c k a c a m e r a or t w o in a large r o o m r e p l e t e w i t h s u s p i c i o u s - l o o k i n g foreigners? D e s p i t e t h e f a c t t h a t t h e c u s t o m s q u e u e s a t Australia's m a j o r a i r p o r t s are o v e r w h e l m i n g l y f u l l o f w h i t e , r e t u r n i n g A u s t r a l i a n s , tired and emotional about having to wait in a queue in order to

b e t o l d t o p a y GST o n t h e w a t c h t h e y b o u g h t i n S w i t z e r l a n d , t h e bulk of Border Security: Australia's Front Line is entirely devoted

t o f i l m i n g shifty l o o k i n g visitors f r o m S o u t h East Asia o r t h e M i d d l e East h a v i n g t h e i r l o o t o f rice a n d sardines r i f l e d t h r o u g h . Even b e t t e r t h a n t h i s , t h e s h o w i s p o r t e n t o u s l y n a r r a t e d b y G r a n t Bowler, w h o m o s t b o g a n s r e m e m b e r a s p l a y i n g C o n s t a b l e W a y n e P a t t e r s o n i n 8 / u e Heelers: M t T h o m a s ' F r o n t Line, w h e r e h e w a s l i v i n g t h e b o g a n d r e a m b y e n g a g i n g i n P G - r a t e d heavy p e t t i n g w i t h Lisa M c C u n e . S e t t l e d i n its i n t e r e s t - f r e e l o u n g e s u i t e , t h e b o g a n i s a b l e t o vicariously e n j o y t h e act o f k e e p i n g A u s t r a l i a safe f r o m p e o p l e i t steadfastly refuses t o u n d e r s t a n d . Its e n d o r p h i n s g u s h o n each a n d e v e r y o c c a s i o n t h a t such a p e r s o n i s n o t a b l e t o m o v e a b o u t i n the manner that they h o p e t o . At the c o m p l e t i o n of the show, the b o g a n i s reassured t h a t i t has d o n e its p a r t t o d e f e n d t h e n a t i o n t h a t i t has d o n e s o v e r y l i t t l e t o c r e a t e .

Ernie Dingo
As we have amply discussed here, the bogan is fiercely proud to
be Australian. It is w r a c k e d with patriotic quiverings whenever Australia's history is m e n t i o n e d . It is like t h e p r o v e r b i a l h o r n y bull at a rusty g a t e w h e n m a k i n g a s p e c t a c l e of its ' p a t r i o t i s m ' - w h e t h e r o n its car o r o n its skin. I t f u l l y s u p p o r t s any i n i t i a t i v e t o k e e p t h e c o u n t r y ' s b o r d e r s safe f r o m o u t s i d e r s . T h e b o g a n w a n t s f o r e i g n e r s to k n o w t h a t Australia is b o g a n country, a n d any p r o s p e c t i v e Australian should b e c o m e a b o g a n themselves if they expect to be w e l c o m e d - otherwise, they should simply ' g o h o m e ' . The b o g a n believes it possesses all qualities u n i q u e to Australians, a n d has a p p o i n t e d i t s e l f b o t h g a t e k e e p e r a n d k e y m a s t e r t o

the t h r i c e - b o l t e d security locker of b o g a n i c Australianness. The e x i s t e n c e of i n d i g e n o u s A u s t r a l i a n s , h o w e v e r , t h r o w s a d i s t i n c t l y o b s t i n a t e s p a n n e r i n t o t h e w o r k s o f this line o f t h i n k i n g . W h e n e v e r a b o g a n uses t h e a p p a r e n t l y w a t e r t i g h t ' I was h e r e f i r s t ' l o g i c t o e n g e n d e r in itself a snugly f i t t i n g sense of u n c h a l l e n g e d e n t i t l e m e n t to t h e country, a distant b u t unshakeable feeling of self-doubt is stimulated. W h e n this feeling gets t o o much for t h e b o g a n , it r e m i n d s itself t h a t i t likes Ernie D i n g o . Like m a n y A b o r i g i n a l p e o p l e w h o are e l i t e a t h l e t e s o r m e d i a p e r s o n a l i t i e s , Ernie D i n g o i s e m b r a c e d w i t h e n t h u s i a s m b y b o g a n s a s t h e s m i l e y , c l e a n - c u t f a c e o f A b o r i g i n a l A u s t r a l i a . I n his T V j o u r n e y s i n t o t h e o u t b a c k , Ernie allows t h e b o g a n t o see t h e c o u n t r y it is so p r o u d of, witness s o m e m a x t r e m e f o u r w h e e l d r i v i n g a n d p e r h a p s a s p o t o f f i s h i n g . I t d e s i r o u s l y gazes a t s u m p t u o u s f o o d a n d luxury a c c o m m o d a t i o n , and chuckles at t h e assorted o n - r o a d hijinks, all w i t h o u t , o f c o u r s e , h a v i n g t o leave t h e c o u c h . M o r e c o m f o r t i n g still f o r t h e b o g a n , e n g a g e m e n t w i t h t h e local p o p u l a t i o n is k e p t to a m i n i m u m , a n d w h e n it d o e s occur, it is at t h e d e p t h one m i g h t expect to accidentally p l u m b while on a Contiki tour of Thailand. T h e b o g a n ' s t a k e o n t h e s i t u a t i o n i s similar t o t h e b o g a n ' s t a k e on most politically charged topics - simplistic and ill-informed, yet held on to with the white-knuckled grip of the truly terrified. W h e n q u i z z e d o n A b o r i g i n a l d i s a d v a n t a g e , t h e b o g a n will t a k e a massive s w i g o n its sixth massive can o f W o o d s t o c k a n d t e l l y o u everything w o u l d be perfectly fine for Indigenous Australians if they only ' g o t off t h e b o o z e ' . It will tell you Aboriginals g e t m o r e t h a n t h e i r share o f g o v e r n m e n t h a n d o u t s , w h i l e itself r e m a i n i n g vigilant for opportunities to rort workers' compensation schemes,

a n d i t v o c i f e r o u s l y d e c r i e s any a t t e m p t t o r e d u c e I n d i g e n o u s p o v e r t y o r increase lifespans a s ' p o l i t i c a l c o r r e c t n e s s g o n e m a d ' . T h e b o g a n is, h o w e v e r , h a p p y t o b e p r o - A b o r i g i n a l w h e n i t c o m e s t o Ernie D i n g o , w h o delivers i t s h a r p p a n g s o f p a t r i o t i c p r i d e m i x e d w i t h pleasant, light-hearted, unchallenging entertainment, just as t h e b o g a n i s h a p p y t o t a k e o w n e r s h i p o f any I n d i g e n o u s a t h l e t e w h o earns a g o l d m e d a l o r p r e m i e r s h i p t r o p h y . T h e b o g a n d o e s a similar t h i n g w i t h N e w Z e a l a n d a c t o r s a n d , a t t i m e s , h o m o s e x u a l s o f n o t e , b u t i s q u i c k t o s w i t c h a r o u n d w h e n t h e y fall o u t o f favour, a n d toss t h e m o n t h e s c r a p h e a p o f f a m e .

Hot Asian chicks

There are hundreds of thousands of white bogan males in Australia,
and they k n o w many things. They k n o w that Australia is t h e best c o u n t r y i n t h e w o r l d . T h e y k n o w t h a t Asia i s o n l y g o o d f o r P h u k e t , F o a k l e y s , a n d m a x i n g o u t a t t h e Full M o o n Party. T h e y k n o w t h a t t h e y like t h e i r w o m e n l o o k i n g like K a t i e Price. T h e y k n o w t h a t immigrants should g e t o u t and stop taking their jobs. But, p a r a d o x i c a l l y , t h e y also k n o w t h a t h o t A s i a n chicks are . . . h o t . The b o g a n covetousness of t h e h o t Asian chick is p r o o f t h a t t h e w h i t e b o g a n male is actually a g r e a t b l o k e - lighthouse of c o s m o p o l i t a n i s m a n d c o m p a s s i o n t h a t shines across t h e h o s t i l e seas. I f t h e i l l e g a l f i s h i n g b o a t s f u l l o f A f g h a n i i m m i g r a n t s t h a t w a s h u p o n A s h m o r e Reef a c t u a l l y w e r e full o f h o t A s i a n chicks, y o u can b e absolutely certain t h a t t h e b o g a n w o u l d n o t have railroaded the federal g o v e r n m e n t into declaring a six-month suspension on processing asylum seeker claims. Indeed, if w o r d g o t out t h a t these boats w e r e laden w i t h the finest treasures of the orient, hordes of bogans w o u l d be strapping long range

f u e l t a n k s a n d f l o r a l b o u q u e t s o n t o t h e i r j e t skis, a n d t r y i n g t o i n t e r c e p t t h e vessels t h e m s e l v e s . N o b o d y w o u l d b e w a t c h i n g Border Security on t h e plasma any l o n g e r ; t h e e n t i r e m a l e a u d i e n c e w o u l d b e o u t t r y i n g t o harness A u s t r a l i a o n t o a b o a t t r a i l e r a n d d r a g i t c l o s e r t o Java w i t h t h e h e l p o f o v e r 1 0 , 0 0 0 f l u o r e s c e n t Falcon XR8s. Unfortunately for the male cosmo-bogue, the concentration of h o t A s i a n chicks on t h e s e b o a t s is n o t as h i g h as it wishes. As s u c h , t h e b o g a n k e e p s its c o v e t o u s n e s s o f t h e m e n t i r e l y s e p a r a t e f r o m its v i e w s o n i m m i g r a t i o n , saving i t a n d its f r i e n d s f r o m h a v i n g t o sit d o w n a n d s y n c h r o n i s e any d i s s o n a n t i n f o r m a t i o n . This leaves the bogan with the time to go out and get max plastered. O u t at t h e d r i n k i n g b a r n , t h e b o g a n c o l l e c t i v e will m a k e l o u d c o m m e n t s early i n t h e e v e n i n g a b o u t h o w t h e A s i a n g u y a f e w m e t r e s a w a y is certainly n o t well e n d o w e d . As t h e night wears o n , t h e attention shifts b a c k t o t h e o t h e r g e n d e r , a n d w h e n a n a t t r a c t i v e A s i a n f e m a l e is s i g h t e d at t h e o t h e r e n d of t h e bar, a b o g a n will invariably a n n o u n c e t o his f r i e n d s t h a t he's ' g o i n g t o b e e a t i n g C h i n e s e t o n i g h t ' to roaring approval. T h e b o g a n c o n f i d e n t l y eyes t h e A s i a n chick. I t has w i t n e s s e d hours o f t h e m c o p p i n g i t o n t h e n e t , a n d has a t h o r o u g h k n o w l e d g e of h o w t h e y are s e d u c e d . Purchasing a h o u s e c h a r d o n n a y , it approaches t h e f e m a l e , w h o is already sipping on her cocktail. ' H e r e , s w e e t h e a r t , h o w a b o u t y o u have a d r i n k o f t h i s , a n d t h e n w e ' l l g o b a c k t o m y b e d r o o m s o t h a t y o u can d i s c o v e r A u s t r a l i a ? ' The girl observes t h e b o g a n with an exotic b l e n d of horror and a m u s e m e n t , a n d w a l k s off. R e p o r t i n g b a c k t o its m a t e s , t h e b o g a n e x p l a i n s t h a t 'she w a s n ' t h o t , s o I t o l d her t o g e t o u t o f A u s t r a l i a ' . The night ends with the spurned b o g a n performing the Stranger

o n i t s e l f i n its c o m p u t e r chair, t o t h e f a m i l i a r s c e n e s o f Asian Slutmax Volume Four.

New Zealand
Confused and threatened that bogan deities David Boon, Ricky
P o n t i n g a n d Princess M a r y are Tasmanians, t h e b o g a n n e e d e d a n e w p l a c e t o b e l i t t l e . C a s t i n g its e y e f u r t h e r o u t t o sea, J e t s t a r f o u n d t h e b o g a n a n e w t a r g e t , o n e rich w i t h a r a n g e o f c e l e b r i t i e s t o p o a c h , n e w ways f o r t h e b o g a n t o recycle o l d j o k e s a b o u t incest, a c c e n t s o r b e s t i a l i t y , a n d nicer scenery. Essentially w h a t insular m i d d l e - c l a s s A m e r i c a uses C a n a d a for. Because t h e b o g a n b e l i e v e s t h a t A u s t r a l i a i s t o t a l l y u n i q u e , i t f i n d s itself u n d e r g r e a t p r e s s u r e t o d i f f e r e n t i a t e its n a t i o n f r o m t h e n a t i o n m o s t similar t o it. I t w i l l m a i n l y j u s t e m p h a s i s e N e w Zealand's a b u n d a n c e o f s h e e p (35 m i l l i o n , c o m p a r e d t o Australia's 8 0 m i l l i o n ) . O n c e this m y t h i s d e b u n k e d , t h e b o g a n has very little t o say, aside f r o m r e c o u n t i n g a n o t h e r j o k e a b o u t sex w i t h s h e e p t o c o m f o r t itself b a c k i n t o its d e f a u l t s t u p o r . M i n u t e s later, l o n g after t h e c o n v e r s a t i o n has c h a n g e d tack, t h e b o g a n will curse itself f o r n o t m a k i n g a H o b b i t j o k e . A n d t h e n m a k e i t anyway. B y p r e s e r v i n g i n its m i n d its n o t i o n o f N e w Z e a l a n d , t h e n a t i o n , the b o g a n attains s o m e o n e to look d o w n u p o n , and a way to p r e s e r v e its t h i n v e n e e r o f n a t i o n a l i d e n t i t y . W h e n e v e r t h e b o g a n discovers t h a t a successful p e r s o n is a Kiwi, t h e y will selectively v o w that they're actually a d o p t e d Australians. Talented examples of this i n c l u d e Russell C r o w e , C r o w d e d H o u s e , X e n a a n d E v e r m o r e . Talentless p o l y m e r husk e x a m p l e s o f this i n c l u d e Richard W i l k i n s . I m p o r t a n t l y f o r t h e b o g a n ' s sense o f financial p o w e r , N e w Z e a l a n d is one of t h e f e w English-speaking countries where the Australian

dollar will buy m o r e t h a n o n e unit of t h e local currency. As it d i s e m b a r k s its Jetstar f l i g h t in Christchurch, this financial t r a n s a c t i o n makes t h e b o g a n instantly 2 5 % m o r e e n e r g i s e d . A f t e r a l i f e t i m e of eliciting laughter and approval whenever it asked for 'fush and c h u p s ' o n t h e east c o a s t o f A u s t r a l i a , t h e b o g a n m i n d i s u n a b l e t o f a t h o m why the t a t t o o e d guy in the Christchurch takeaway store looks like he's s o o n t o glass t h e b o g a n . A t this p o i n t , t h e b o g a n t r o u p e scuttles o u t of t h e store, strangers in a strange land. B u t t h e b o g a n isn't i n C h r i s t c h u r c h t o s c o u t f o r n e w j o k e s o r n e w musical t a l e n t t o k i d n a p , f o r its music n e e d s are exclusively s p o o n - f e d t o i t b y c o m m e r c i a l r a d i o o r t h e H o t t e s t 100 o n Australia Day. N o , t h e b o g a n i s i n C h r i s t c h u r c h t o b e m a x t r e m e . W h i l e 9 0 % o f t h e b o g a n ' s t h o u g h t t i m e a b o u t N e w Z e a l a n d involves s h e e p j o k e s , t h e r e m a i n i n g 1 0 % involves l o u d l y v o w i n g t o d o i n t e n s e ski a n d b u n g y j u m p i n g i n Q u e e n s t o w n . T h e s e v e n - d a y t r i p will i n v o l v e nightly Q u e e n s t o w n drinking binges, during which t h e b o g a n will c o m p l a i n t h a t Kiwi piss isn't as g o o d as A u s t r a l i a n piss (while f a i l i n g t o r e c o g n i s e t h a t 9 0 % o f t h e w h i t e w i n e t h e y d r i n k a t h o m e i s Kiwi), b e f o r e lining up to order four m o r e , and boasting a b o u t h o w they w e r e ' o n l y like t w o A u s s i e b u c k s e a c h ! ' O n its w a y b a c k t o its h o t e l , i t will t e l l its t r a v e l c o m p a n i o n s M a o r i j o k e s (directly a d a p t e d f r o m A b o r i g i n a l jokes) i n h u s h e d t o n e s , t e r r i f i e d t h a t t h e A l l Blacks w i l l a p p e a r a n d b e a t t h e shit o u t o f it.

Ruining music festivals

A new type of festival goer has emerged in recent years. First
o b s e r v e d a r o u n d t h e t u r n o f t h e m i l l e n n i u m a t t h e M e l b o u r n e Big Day O u t , i t g o e s j u s t t o say i t d i d , a n d b e c a u s e e v e r y o n e else d o e s . I t pays h u n d r e d s o f dollars t o a t t e n d festivals, o f t e n f o r k i n g o u t t o p d o l l a r t o scalpers a t t h e last m i n u t e a f t e r its lack o f o r g a n i s a t i o n a l a n d b u d g e t i n g skills p r e v e n t i t f r o m a c q u i r i n g t i c k e t s i n a d v a n c e . I t a t t e n d s festivals o n l y t o s p e n d t h e vast m a j o r i t y o f its t i m e hovering around t h e beer g a r d e n in a valiant a t t e m p t to avoid actually s e e i n g any b a n d s . This is b e c a u s e it d o e s n o t in f a c t k n o w any o f t h e b a n d s p l a y i n g , n o t h a v i n g h e a r d t h e m o n c o m m e r c i a l r a d i o or seen t h e m on Video Hits. (There is o n e rare e x c e p t i o n w h e n t h e r e i s a D J t e n t , o r f a m o u s e l e c t r o n i c artist p e r f o r m i n g . I n this i n s t a n c e , i t instantly c o n g r e g a t e s w i t h its k i n d , p o p s candy, a n d p r o c e e d s t o b e a t t h e c r a p o u t o f its p e e r s i n s h e e r h a p p i n e s s a t t h e g l o w i n g s o l i d a r i t y p r o v i d e d b y G i r l Talk's ' S h u t t h e C l u b Down'). A s t h e d a y g o e s o n a n d i t c o n s u m e s far m o r e a l c o h o l a n d d r u g s t h a n i t can p o s s i b l y h a n d l e , i t b e g i n s t o g e t a g i t a t e d . I t has s t r a y e d t o o far f r o m its n a t u r a l h a b i t a t . T h e r e are t o o m a n y e m o s a r o u n d . E v e r y o n e i s w e a r i n g b l a c k , a n d Travisty t - s h i r t s are f e w a n d far b e t w e e n . I t g r a v i t a t e s t o w a r d s o t h e r s like it, easily i d e n t i f i a b l e b y lack of a shirt, i n t e n s e s u n b u r n , an A u s t r a l i a n f l a g d r a p e d o v e r t h e i r s h o u l d e r s , a S o u t h e r n Cross t a t t o o , o r all o f t h e a b o v e . O n c e a g r o u p o f s u f f i c i e n t size i s f o r m e d , c o n f i d e n c e b e g i n s t o swell a m o n g t h e h e r d . It, w i t h t h e security o f its n e w p o s s e , can n o w b e g i n h u r l i n g insults t o w a r d s e m o s , w h o are i d e n t i f i a b l e t o t h e h e r d b y t h e i r lack o f Travisty a t t i r e . T h e h e r d , t h e a l c o h o l a n d t h e d r u g s have g i v e n i t s u p e r p o w e r s , a n d i t uses t h o s e p o w e r s f o r

t h e m o s t w o r t h y cause i t can t h i n k of: t o i n t i m i d a t e f o r e i g n - l o o k i n g p e o p l e i n t o kissing t h e A u s t r a l i a n f l a g . The proliferation of t h e f e s t i v a l - g o i n g , shirtless, s u n b u r n t , A u s t r a l i a n f l a g d r a p e d , S o u t h e r n Cross t a t t o o b e a r i n g b o g a n has r u i n e d m a n y a f e s t i v a l . I n f a c t , t h e b o g a n has t h e u n i q u e a b i l i t y t o ruin any p u b l i c e v e n t o r p l a c e , i n c l u d i n g t h e M e l b o u r n e C u p , o n e - d a y c r i c k e t , C r o n u l l a B e a c h , y o u r f a v o u r i t e bar. N e w Year's Eve, a n d C h r i s t m a s .

Cover bands
Bogans love commercial radio. But, with the limiting nature of
only l i k i n g f i v e d i f f e r e n t artists ( s e l e c t e d arbitrarily f r o m Pink, S n o w P a t r o l , U 2 , A C / D C , N i c k e l b a c k , C o l d p l a y , G r e e n Day o r any r e m i x o f a n y t h i n g ) , t h e b o g a n can q u i c k l y g r o w b o r e d . C o m m e r c i a l r a d i o d o e s w h a t i t c a n , b y p l a y i n g t h e s e artists o n c o n s t a n t r o t a t i o n , b u t still t h e r e is a v o i d , p a r t i c u l a r l y w h e n it c o m e s to live music. Pink's c o n s t a n t d e f i l e m e n t o f m a j o r arenas n o t w i t h s t a n d i n g , m a j o r i n t e r n a t i o n a l acts rarely v e n t u r e t o t h e a n t i p o d e s . E n t e r t h e c o v e r b a n d . You k n o w t h e m . T h e y w e r e t h e g u y s w h o f o r m e d a b a n d i n Year 9 , p l a y i n g g i g s a t lunch t o 3 0 kids w h o t h e n g o t b o o t e d o u t o f t h e a u d i t o r i u m f o r c r o w d s u r f i n g . T h a t w a s , until t h e p o i n t t h e y f o r m e d a c o v e r b a n d , t h e h i g h p o i n t o f t h e i r lives. It's D a r r e n , Sam a n d C l i n t , plus Clint's y o u n g e r b r o t h e r w h o t h e y r e c r u i t e d t o play bass b e c a u s e t h e i r o l d bass player's w i f e w o n ' t let h i m o u t o n w e e k n i g h t s / t h e i r o l d bass player g o t h o o k e d o n ice a n d d i s a p p e a r e d i n D a r w i n / t h e y n e v e r see t h e i r bass p l a y e r a n y m o r e . A n d , i n a d e s p e r a t e a t t e m p t t o r e c l a i m t h e e u p h o r i a t h a t i s live performance, they go to t h e same p u b , on the same night, every w e e k , a n d play t h e s a m e s o n g s . T o t h e s a m e b o g a n s .

A n d b o g a n s l o v e it. H a v i n g o n l y f i v e artists t o listen t o m e a n s t h a t o p p o r t u n i t i e s f o r a t t e n d i n g live rock p e r f o r m a n c e s (is t h e r e a n o t h e r kind?) are f e w a n d far b e t w e e n . S p o r t n o t w i t h s t a n d i n g , c o m m u n a l e n t e r t a i n m e n t i s usually d e s i g n a t e d a s b e i n g f o r ' o t h e r p e o p l e ' . O p e r a ( ' p o o f s ' ) , d a n c e ( ' p o o f s ' ) , n o n - r o c k music ( ' p o o f s ' ) , c o m e d y ('Is i t H u g h e s y ? N o ? Poofs.') a n d t h e t h e a t r e ('poofs') are all f o r a cultural s u b s e t t h a t is n o t b o g a n , l e a v i n g o n l y w h i c h e v e r Fast and the Furious f i l m is in c i n e m a s , or t h e p u b w i t h a c o v e r b a n d . Those five artists m e n t i o n e d a b o v e can be re-created w i t h o u t t h e talent, verve or creativity of their original m e m b e r s but, importantly, t h e cover b a n d will mimic each song d o w n to the 16th beat. Thus, t h e b o g a n s can b o u n c e a r o u n d , s i n g i n g only t o t h e c h o r u s o f ' B e t t e r m a n ' a n d 'Jessie's G i r l ' , w h i l e s c r e a m i n g f o r p o s t - C a l i f o r n i c a t i o n Chili P e p p e r s , a n d f e e l i n o r d i n a t e l y c u l t u r e d . M e a n w h i l e t h e b o y s f r o m ' J e t Black' o r ' C r a z y g a r d e n ' reel o u t ' h i t after hit', while t h e b o g a n hopes no o n e notices w h e n it j u m p s into t h e l o u d b i t f r o m 'Blister i n t h e S u n ' o n e m e a s u r e t o o s o o n .

Commercial radio
PBS, RRR and other community stations the nation over are the
enemy of the b o g a n . While t h e hipster is obsessed w i t h finding m u s i c t h a t t h e rest o f t h e w o r l d i s blissfully u n a w a r e of, t h e b o g a n a p p r o a c h e s its r a d i o f r o m a d i f f e r e n t p e r s p e c t i v e . T h e y t r e a t r a d i o as a filter, s o m e t h i n g t h a t can t a k e m u s i c t h e y a l r e a d y like (Bon J o v i , N i c k e l b a c k , S n o w Patrol e t al), process it, a n d f i n d n e w music t h a t is identical to it in almost every way. B u t f o r t h e b o g a n , this i s n o t e n o u g h . I t i s n e v e r e n o u g h . T h e y g r o w w e a r y o f h e a r i n g ' C h a s i n g Cars' again a n d a g a i n , s o s o m e o n e

n e e d s to r e m i x it. S u d d e n l y , Starsailor's ' F o u r to t h e F l o o r ' has a bitchin' dance-floor mix and takes over t h e airwaves, and b o g a n s are h a p p y . F o r a w h i l e . T h e n , Eric P r y d z (or P r y d g , o r Prizjch) d e c i d e s to t a k e an e i g h t i e s c a m p classic . . . a n d r e m i x it. T h e b o g a n likes this g r e a t l y , b e c a u s e i t can i m a g i n e , w h i l e l i s t e n i n g t o N o v a , t h e f i l m c l i p , w i t h its a m p l e b o u n c i n g b o s o m s . D u r i n g d a y l i g h t h o u r s , w h e n n o n s t o p r e m i x e s o r replays m a y seem inappropriate, commercial radio knows that not even t h e b o g a n can h a n d l e C o l d p l a y ad nauseum. T h e y b r i n g in ' c o m e d i a n s ' t o m a k e p r a n k p h o n e calls. A l l day. W i t h r e m i x e d music p l a y i n g in t h e b a c k g r o u n d . Bogans can t h e n e n g a g e in o n e of their favourite pastimes: standing around at work/uni/TAFE a t t e m p t i n g t o r e c r e a t e t h e e n t i r e p r a n k p h o n e call v e r b a t i m . W i t h a s t u n n i n g lack of success. Conversely, if a commercial radio station cannot afford t h e appropriate 'comedians', they bring in 'celebrities' to abuse p e o p l e , i n a pale i m i t a t i o n o f t h e g e n u i n e h a t r e d o f life a n d p e o p l e o f A M r a d i o . This a p p e a l s t o a n o t h e r o f t h e b o g a n ' s c h i e f loves: c o n f e c t e d o u t r a g e . T h e b o g a n can t h e n f e e l w o n d e r f u l b y h a t i n g t h e very p e r s o n t h e y t u n e i n t o listen t o e v e r y day. On commercial AM radio, to which bogans tune in once they turn 39, the announcers allow t h e m to e n g a g e in the n u m b e r one pastime of middle-aged bogans everywhere: yelling at the r a d i o . H o w e v e r , unlike F M r a d i o , w h e r e t h e b o g a n w i l l yell a t Kyle S a n d i l a n d s f o r b e i n g Kyle S a n d i l a n d s w i t h o u t c h a n g i n g s t a t i o n , on AM radio, t h e announcer will carefully pick a t o p i c t h a t he (it's a l m o s t always he) k n o w s will result in an o r g i a s t i c , n a t i o n a l , s i m u l t a n e o u s b o u t o f b o g a n r a g e - b a n n i n g b u r q a s i s always a n e x c e l l e n t o p t i o n - a n d o p i n e t h a t t h e s e f o r e i g n e r s have n o r i g h t t o

do whatever it is that they do t h a t makes bogans u n c o m f o r t a b l e . Yet t h e b o g a n , y o u n g a n d o l d , remains d i s s a t i s f i e d . S o m e t h i n g i s m i s s i n g . T h e l o v e o f c o m m e r c i a l r a d i o can o n l y g o s o far i n c r e a t i n g a u n i q u e i d e n t i t y f o r t h e b o g a n , a n d t h e b o g a n has a b i o l o g i c a l i m p e r a t i v e t o c o l o n i s e t h i n g s o t h e r p e o p l e enjoy. T h u s , t h e y d i s c o v e r e d Triple J , m u c h like w h i t e p e o p l e d i s c o v e r e d A u s t r a l i a , t h e n b e g a n t o b e a t t h e shit o u t o f t h e locals. T h e first w a r n i n g signs c a m e a d e c a d e a g o , w h e n ' P r e t t y Fly f o r a W h i t e G u y ' t o p p e d t h e H o t t e s t 100. B u t t h e signs w e r e i g n o r e d . T h e s e i n t e r l o p e r s w o u l d leave i f T r i p l e J i n t r o d u c e d A u s s i e h i p - h o p t o its r o t a t i o n , surely? N o , b e c a u s e t h e b o g a n i s c u n n i n g , a n d can a d a p t . ' N o s e b l e e d S e c t i o n ' t h u s f o u n d itself i n T r i p l e J H o t t e s t 100 of all time. A l l o f this b r i n g s u s t o t h e natural e v o l u t i o n a r y musical e n d g a m e : Kings of L e o n . . .

Kings of Leon
Kings of Leon have consciously adapted themselves into the bogan
m e t a - b a n d . They tick every conceivable b o g a n pleasure box. S o m e t i m e b e t w e e n t h e i r s e c o n d a n d t h i r d a l b u m s , Kings o f L e o n realised t h a t t h e r e i s a clear c o r r e l a t i o n b e t w e e n t h e n u m b e r o f r e c o r d s a b a n d sells a n d t h e s i m i l a r i t y o f t h e i r s o u n d t o U2's. T h e y also sing a b o u t sex, w i t h o u t m e t a p h o r o r i n n u e n d o , w h i c h r e m o v e s t h e n e e d t o i n t e r p r e t lyrics a n d still t i t i l l a t e s t h e b o g a n . T h e y e m e r g e d , fully f o r m e d , f r o m t h e w o r l d o f i n d i e - r o c k critical a d o r a t i o n , w i t h s o n g s like ' S e x o n F i r e ' . T h i s g a v e t h e b o g a n a s o n g w i t h a m a i n h o o k f e a t u r i n g a lyric c o n t a i n i n g t h e w o r d s 'yeah!' and 'sex!'. W o r d s t h a t t h e b o g a n c o u l d t h e n sing a l o n g t o l o u d l y a s t h e i r local c o v e r b a n d p l a y e d t h a t n o w - u b i q u i t o u s

p a e a n t o h e r p e s . B o g a n s like r o o t i n g stuff, t h e y like b u r n i n g stuff, t h e y like e x c l a m a t i o n m a r k s , a n d t h e y like m i n d l e s s a f f i r m a t i o n . ' Y E E E E E E E E E E E E H A A A A A H , T H I S SEX I S O N F I R E ! ! ! ' i s a scientifically b l e n d e d f o r m u l a , a t r i p o d o f b o g a n t r i g g e r p o i n t s . T h e r e was n o c o n c e i v a b l e w a y t h a t such a s o n g w o u l d n o t e n d e a r itself t o t h e b o g a n . M o r e o v e r , t h e y s i n g r e p e a t e d l y a b o u t h a v i n g sex w i t h g r o u p i e s . M a l e b o g a n s will t h u s d r e a m o f h a v i n g sex w i t h u n d e r a g e d , w o r s h i p f u l g i r l s , w h i l e f e m a l e b o g a n s w i l l d r e a m o f b e i n g said sexual s u p p l i c a n t s . T h e b a n d b e i n g r u g g e d l y h a n d s o m e s o u t h e r n r o c k t y p e s w h o r e g u l a r l y visit t h e a n t i p o d e s , f e m a l e b o g a n s can p o s i t i v e l y t a s t e t h e b a c k s w e a t , a n d f l o c k t o see t h e m , listen t o t h e m and generally think a lot a b o u t t h e m . C o m m e r c i a l r a d i o rapidly realised this, a n d b e g a n l o o p i n g Kings o f L e o n t o p l a y a t least t w i c e e v e r y half-hour, a n d i n c o r p o r a t i n g Kings of Leon into every conceivable c o m p e t i t i o n they ran. Of course, KoL c o u l d b e p a i n t e d c o c o n u t s p l a y i n g s p e e d calypso f u n k , and the b o g a n w o u l d love t h e m just t h e same, p r o v i d e d t h e radio n e t w o r k s p l a y e d t h e m 1 0 - 1 5 t i m e s a day, t h e a d w i t h t h e i r s o n g was o n air all day, e v e r y day, a n d y o u c o u l d w i n a n i g h t w i t h t h e m i n V e g a s i f y o u b o u g h t e n o u g h cans o f M o t h e r , e t c . It was, and presently remains, a match m a d e in b o g a n heaven.

Ministry of Sound
While the bogan can't always decide whether its favourite country
is Bali or P h u k e t , it k n o w s t h a t c o m e Sundays, its f a v o u r i t e t e c h n o b a n d i s M i n i s t r y o f S o u n d . J u s t like c o m m e r c i a l r a d i o , t h e M i n i s t r y o f S o u n d c o r p o r a t i o n acts a s a f i l t e r f o r t h e b o g a n , p a c k a g i n g t h e

w o r l d of music into glamorously b r a n d e d c o m p i l a t i o n s so t h a t i t d o e s n ' t n e e d t o t h i n k , search o r b e f a c e d w i t h t h e c o n f u s i o n o f c h o i c e . T h e f u l l s p e c t r u m o f t h e b o g a n ' s m o o d s can t h u s b e c a t e r e d to (fighty), by MoS compilations like Maximum Bass Overdrive (fighty/

Clubbers

Guide

(fighty/struttyj,

Chillout Sessions

s t r u n g o u t j , a n d t h e MoS Annual ( f i g h t y / n o s t a l g i c j . While the b o g a n is unaware of t h e origins of Ministry of Sound, i t k n o w s it's s o m e t h i n g t o d o w i t h Ibiza i n t h e G r e e k I s l a n d s , w h i c h i s p r o b a b l y f u l l o f h o t sluts. I f a s o n g i s t o o s l o w f o r t h e c l u b , t h e b o g a n k n o w s t h a t M i n i s t r y can b e relied u p o n t o s t a p l e a p r o g r a m m e d kick d r u m a n d a p n e u m a t i c b u z z i n g s y n t h s o u n d to it. If a s o n g is t o o f r e n e t i c f o r a S u n d a y a f t e r n o o n , t h e b o g a n k n o w s t h a t M i n i s t r y a g r e e s , has r e m o v e d t h e k i c k d r u m , a n d c a l l e d in s o m e chick w h o s o u n d s like Enya to sigh o v e r a s a m p l e o f b r e a k i n g w a v e s a n d w i n d c h i m e s . T h e b o g a n i s safe f r o m h a r m in its ministerial c o c o o n . B y f e n c i n g off t h e g a l a x y o f m u s i c i n t o a small p e n , M i n i s t r y o f S o u n d also e n a b l e s t h e b o g a n t o c o n f i d e n t l y p a r t i c i p a t e i n conversations a b o u t dance, electronica a n d a m b i e n t music w i t h its f r i e n d s . Even b e t t e r , t h e r a n g e o f M o S b r a n d e d a p p a r e l a l l o w s t h e b o g a n t o physically affiliate itself w i t h t h e l o g o , a n d t h e n s t r u t a r o u n d like a D J / c e l e b r i t y . T h e m a l e b o g a n k n o w s full w e l l t h a t a n u p t e m p o M i n i s t r y c o m p i l a t i o n i s t h e c o r r e c t m a t i n g call t o pair w i t h its p l u m a g e o f large b i c e p s a n d p e r s o n a l i s e d n u m b e r p l a t e s w h i l e i t c o m p e t e s f o r t u r f u p a n d d o w n p o p u l a r n i g h t c l u b strips. M a n y a n e w b o g a n has h e a r d t h e u r b a n l e g e n d a b o u t t h e t i m e t h a t a b o g a n was in a m e t a l c l u b f o r its cousin's b i r t h d a y , u n h a p p y w i t h t h e c o n f u s i n g music t h a t i t d i d n ' t k n o w h o w t o d a n c e t o . I t a p p r o a c h e d t h e DJ b o o t h , d e m a n d i n g t h a t t h e DJ play s o m e

'fucking Ministry or something g o o d ' . Unexpectedly, the DJ n o d d e d enthusiastically and started playing an industrial metal s o n g c a l l e d 'Jesus Built M y H o t r o d ' . F e w m o d e r n b o g a n s have y e t realised w h a t w e n t w r o n g , b u t m a n y n o w c a u t i o u s l y a d d t h e ' . . . o f S o u n d ' suffix t o t h e i r r e q u e s t , j u s t i n case.

Indie rock choruses

'Indie rock?' I hear you ask. 'Surely not!' But alas, the bogan, or at
least a small s u b s e t of b o g a n i t y - t h e s a m e s u b s e t t h a t b r i n g s Kings o f L e o n t o t h e t o p o f t h e H o t t e s t 1 0 0 , n o d o u b t - are b r o a d e n i n g t h e i r musical r e a c h . T h e s e t r e n d s e t t i n g b o g a n s are on a m i s s i o n , a mission to appear cool to bogans everywhere by unveiling to t h o s e b o g a n s n e w m u s i c t h a t has b e e n p u b l i c l y a v a i l a b l e f o r a t least six m o n t h s . At t h e t i m e of this book's p u b l i c a t i o n , these b o g a n s will be s e e k i n g o u t , say, LCD S o u n d s y s t e m , o r p e r h a p s V a m p i r e W e e k e n d . T h e y w i l l r e g a l e t h e i r less e n l i g h t e n e d c o m p a t r i o t s w i t h t h e s h e e r a w e s o m e n e s s o f this n e w b a n d t h a t has f o u r f u l l - l e n g t h a l b u m s and countless p r o d u c t i o n credits. To build their credibility b e y o n d all d o u b t , t h e y w i l l a t t e n d t h e g i g w h e n t h e b a n d c o m e s o u t over summer. A n d t h e y will sing a l o n g heartily. But only to t h e choruses. T h e b o g a n , lacking s u f f i c i e n t a t t e n t i o n s p a n , o r g e n u i n e d e s i r e , t o listen t o a s o n g m o r e t h a n f i v e t i m e s , w i l l d e c i d e t h a t i t w i l l suffice t o learn t h e w o r d s t o t h e c h o r u s o r m a i n h o o k o f t h e b a n d ' s l e a d s i n g l e , a n d rehearse a r o u s i n g r e n d i t i o n . This r e n d i t i o n w i l l b e o f f e r e d , p r o b o n o , t o o t h e r fans a t t h e b a n d ' s g i g . C o m e t h e first line o f t h e s e c o n d v e r s e o f ' O n e C r o w d e d H o u r ' , h o w e v e r , t h e b o g a n trails off i n a p o o l o f m u m b l i n g i n c o h e r e n c e . B o r e d n o w

w i t h t h e verse-y bits i t d o e s n o t k n o w , i t t u r n s t o its less-cool f r i e n d i t b r o u g h t a n d b e g i n s a c o n v e r s a t i o n a b o u t h o w w a s t e d i t is, w i t h little r e g a r d f o r t h o s e w h o m a y e n j o y t h e verse-y b i t s . W h e n t h e b a n d has e x h a u s t e d t h e t h r e e s o n g s T r i p l e J has p l a y e d , t h e b o g a n ' s b o r e d o m reaches t h e t h r e s h o l d w h e r e g o i n g t o t h e bar i s t h e o n l y o p t i o n . I n its clueless a n d b l u s t e r i n g s h o v e t h r o u g h t o t h e bar, t h e b o g a n b u m p s i n t o s o m e hapless h i p s t e r w h o ' s busy t r y i n g to l o o k as if he's only t h e r e b e c a u s e he was on t h e d o o r . T h e hipster d r o p s his Leffe B l o n d e , a n d tries t o l o o k a n n o y e d , b o r e d and non-threatening at t h e same t i m e . Unfortunately, he c a n n o t a v o i d r o l l i n g his e y e s , a n d t h a t ' s e n o u g h f o r t h e b o g a n , w h o takes a swing and is consequently t u r f e d o u t by security and b a r r e d f o r life. By m o r n i n g , this s t o r y has t r a n s f o r m e d itself i n t o an e p i c t a l e w h e r e i n t h e b o g a n t o o k o n five M a o r i security g u a r d s a n d w o n , then w e n t h o m e with a corporate lawyer-cum-lingerie m o d e l . O h , after h e saw a n a w e s o m e , c r e d - i n d u c i n g g i g o f i n d i e rock.

Your favourite bar

The non-bogan probably thinks its favourite bar is too well hidden,
t o o small a n d c o n t a i n s t o o m a n y b e a r d e d p a t r o n s t o e v e r a p p e a r o n t h e b o g a n ' s c o l o n i s a t i o n radar. A n oasis o f r e a s o n a m i d a n ever-expanding desert of bogan-inflicted chaos, t h e non-bogan's f a v o u r i t e b a r i s o n e o f t h e f e w r e m a i n i n g places w i t h i m m u n i t y t o t h e b o g a n i c p l a g u e . Run b y a n o w n e r - o p e r a t o r , i t m i g h t h o s t s o m e l o w - k e y live t u n e s , a n d i s p r o b a b l y e v e n w i t h i n w a l k i n g d i s t a n c e o f h i p s t e r residential enclaves. T h e r e is no dress c o d e . T h e r e are no c o m m e r c i a l r e m i x e s . A n d n o o n e e v e r tries t o start g l a s s i n g f i g h t s . It's n e v e r t o o f u l l . T h e r e is no 'list'. A n d t h e r e is n e v e r a l i n e - u p to g e t in.

B u t b e w a r n e d : t h e b o g a n i s c o m i n g . O n c e c o n t e n t w i t h mass glassings and g r o p i n g s to a Top 40 remix s o u n d t r a c k at high c a p a c i t y b e e r b a r n s l o c a t e d o n m a j o r arterial r o a d s a n d s h o p p i n g s t r i p s , t h e b o g a n n o w has a n i n k l i n g t h a t i t i s m i s s i n g o u t o n s o m e t h i n g . Like a c h i l d c o v e t i n g t h e t o y t h a t t h e o t h e r k i d has b e c a u s e t h e o t h e r k i d has it, t h e b o g a n w a n t s t o t a k e t h e n o n b o g a n ' s f a v o u r i t e b a r f r o m t h e m n o t b e c a u s e i t really w a n t s it, b u t b e c a u s e i t d o e s n ' t w a n t t h e m t o have s o m e t h i n g i t h a s n ' t g o t . T h e b o g a n will learn o f t h e n o n - b o g a n ' s f a v o u r i t e b a r w h e n t h e t r a s h m e d i a r e p o r t t h a t a n a c t o r f r o m Underbelly w e n t t h e r e o n c e . Like a m o t h to a c o m p u t e r s c r e e n in a d a r k r o o m , t h e b o g a n will n o t b e a b l e t o . W h e n t h e invasion b e g i n s , t h e n o n - b o g a n will a t first passively resist. 'If I j u s t i g n o r e t h e m , t h e y ' l l have n o reason t o b o t h e r m e , a n d t h e y will s o o n realise t h a t it's n o t t h e i r s c e n e , ' t h e n o n - b o g a n m i g h t t h i n k t o itself. B u t t h i n g s will s o o n b e g i n t o c h a n g e . D e s p i t e t h e bar's s t u n n i n g variety o f local a n d i m p o r t e d beers, C o r o n a a n d Beck's will d o m i n a t e sales, a l o n g w i t h any k i n d o f e x p l o s i v e b e v e r a g e . O r a n g e - s k i n n e d f e m m e - b o g u e s will s t a r t d a n c i n g i n t h e m i d d l e o f t h e p l a c e , e v e n t h o u g h t h e r e is no d a n c e f l o o r a n d it's n e v e r really b e e n a p l a c e w h e r e p e o p l e d a n c e . T h e y will t h e n g e t b o r e d a n d c o m p l a i n l o u d l y t h a t t h e y ' v e ' n e v e r h e a r d t h i s s o n g b e f o r e . Play s o m e K i n g s o f L e o n ! ' Drinks will cost m o r e a f t e r b a s h i n g s a n d glassings see t h e b a r a t t a i n ' h i g h - r i s k ' status l e a d i n g t o h i g h e r l i q u o r l i c e n s i n g f e e s , a n d b o g a n s are w i l l i n g t o p a y m o r e f o r far i n f e r i o r d r i n k s . Finally, t h e non-bogan's favourite bar will be purchased by a f o o t b a l l player, or W o o l w o r t h s , a n d t u r n e d i n t o a pizza bar. G a m e over.

Political correctness gone mad

Possibly the most abused phrase in our contemporary lexicon,
'political correctness', initially referred to the project of re-engineering certain terms to remove implicit discrimination and p r o m o t e n e u t r a l i t y a n d inclusiveness i n l a n g u a g e . For i n s t a n c e , p r o p o n e n t s o f p o l i t i c a l c o r r e c t n e s s a d v o c a t e t h e use o f t h e utilitarian 'flight attendant', 'chairperson' and 'thyroid challenged A u s t r a l i a n ' o v e r m o r e c h a r g e d t e r m s like ' s t e w a r d e s s ' , ' c h a i r m a n ' a n d ' J o e H o c k e y ' (sorry J o e - easy t a r g e t ) . U n c o m f o r t a b l e w i t h t h e t h r e a t this p o s e d t o their p e r c e i v e d right t o insult p e o p l e t h e y d o n ' t care a b o u t , t h e t e r m was seized o n b y r i g h t - w i n g c o m m e n t a t o r s a n d r e d e p l o y e d a s a catch-all p e j o r a t i v e p h r a s e t o deride the entire spectrum of progressive t h o u g h t . They w o n , and o v e r t h e years, t h e a d d e n d u m ' g o n e m a d ' e m e r g e d , asserting t h a t , m u c h like Ken B r u c e , p o l i t i c a l c o r r e c t n e s s h a d g o n e b a t s h i t crazy a n d b e c o m e a s l a v e r i n g , r a b i d , t o t a l i t a r i a n S o v i e t bear, h u r t l i n g towards the horizon, wild-eyed and hungry, looking to devour our F r e e d o m a n d W a y O f Life. T h e b o g a n l a t c h e d o n t o t h i s c o n c e p t less t h a n a y e a r a g o a n d , i g n o r a n t o f t h e t e r m ' s t r o u b l e d e t y m o l o g y , has since b e e n a r m i n g itself w i t h t h e p h r a s e in any discussion of p o l i t i c a l or s o c i a l issues, i n t h e t i m e - h o n o u r e d b o g a n f a s h i o n o f g e t t i n g these kinds of things w r o n g . Spurred on by the reactionary c o m m e n t a t o r s m o s t d i r e c t l y r e s p o n s i b l e f o r its sorely u n i n f o r m e d yet nonetheless adamantly held opinion on everything from i m m i g r a t i o n p o l i c y t o j u v e n i l e j u s t i c e , t h e b o g a n n o w uses t h e phrase to s t a n d in place of any actual analysis, t h e e x a c t a d u l t e q u i v a l e n t o f s h o v i n g D u p l o i n its ears a n d s h o u t i n g ' D o not want.'

Because t h e b o g a n ' s p o l i t i c a l c o n v i c t i o n s are f o r m e d e n t i r e l y out of received w i s d o m , the argumentative shorthand of 'political c o r r e c t n e s s g o n e m a d ' a n d similar s l o g a n s i s o f g r e a t use t o t h e b o g a n . T h e key a p p e a l lies i n n o t h a v i n g t o i n t e r r u p t its r o u t i n e of c o n s u m p t i o n to attain the w i d e reading of history and current affairs n e e d e d f o r m a k i n g a n i n f o r m e d c o m m e n t . Further, b e i n g able to so succinctly w r i t e off anything exhibiting tolerance a n d c o m p a s s i o n t o w a r d s p e o p l e d i f f e r e n t t o itself a l l o w s t h e b o g a n t o e f f e c t i v e l y r e i n f o r c e a c o n v i c t i o n o f its sole e n t i t l e m e n t t o t h a t c o c o o n o f s u b u r b a n o r t h o d o x y t h a t p r o v i d e s such utility f o r c r y p t o fascist p o l i t i c i a n s a n d m a r k e t e r s o f e n e r g y d r i n k s .

Going to work in the mines

The young bogan male craves adventure and violence. Although the
m i l i t a r y offers t h e o p p o r t u n i t y t o u n d e r t a k e this w i t h o u t t h e t h r e a t o f arrest, t h e b o g a n f i n d s t h e t h r e a t o f d e a t h far less p a l a t a b l e . A s a result, it is s i g n i f i c a n t l y m o r e c o m m o n to l o u d l y p r o f e s s a d e s i r e t o j o i n t h e a r m y t h a n t o a c t u a l l y j o i n it. I n s t e a d , t h e b o g a n can g e t his a d v e n t u r e i n W e s t e r n A u s t r a l i a , f o r g o i n g t h e c h a n c e t o kill things for the chance to d i g a big hole and earn a stupid a m o u n t of money. H e isn't actually g o i n g off t o war, b u t t h e b o g a n ' s f a m i l y a n d f r i e n d s w i l l t r e a t his d e p a r t u r e i n a s i m i l a r s o l e m n c e r e m o n i a l way. W h i l e i n a r e m o t e area o f W e s t e r n A u s t r a l i a , t h e b o g a n will ply his m o d e s t skill set, b e i t a t b o i l e r m a k i n g , e n g i n e e r i n g , f o o d p r e p a r a t i o n , or h o l d i n g a traffic s i g n p o s t , e a r n i n g in excess of $ 5 0 0 a day. This financial w i n d f a l l o p e n s t h e g l i t t e r i n g d o o r t o h y p e r - b o g a n c o n s u m p t i o n . W i t h i n m o n t h s , h e i s p l a y i n g G T A o n his n e w 125inch full H D , 3 D , LED TV, r i p p i n g d o u g h n u t s in his shiny C h e v r o l e t

u t e a n d d r i n k i n g p h e n o m e n a l a m o u n t s o f locally b r e w e d Stella Artois. His roster allows h i m a f e w c o n s e c u t i v e days off each m o n t h , w h i c h h e uses t o fly d o w n t o Perth w i t h his n e w m i n i n g b u d d i e s . T h e y ' r e t h e r e f o r a g o o d t i m e , n o t a l o n g t i m e , a n d t h e w a l l e t s are b u l g i n g . T h e y s a u n t e r w i t h a n aura o f i n v i n c i b i l i t y t h a t can o n l y b e d e r i v e d f r o m w a g i n g w a r o n t h e f r o n t i e r , t h o u g h i n this case t h e adversary is a pristine natural environment. At t h e poker tables a t B u r s w o o d casino, t h e y g a m b l e b e y o n d t h e realm o f any sense. T h e local c a r d sharks g e n e r a l l y p o c k e t t h o u s a n d s o f m i n i n g d o l l a r s t h a n k s t o t h e i r s u p e r i o r c a r d p l a y i n g skills, m a k i n g t h e b o g a n s q u a d r o n i r r i t a b l e . Eventually t h e y r e t r e a t t o t h e s t r i p p e r s t o t u c k $ 5 0 n o t e s i n t o g a r t e r b e l t s a n d d r i n k m o r e Stella. A f t e r a c o u p l e o f years o f t h i s , t h e b o g a n r e t u r n s h o m e f r o m w a r t o a h e r o ' s w e l c o m e . H e i s t a n n e d , h e has m o r e C h r i s t i a n A u d i g i e r p r o d u c t s t h a n a n y o n e i n his s u b u r b , a n d t h e r e i s a j e t ski t r a i l e r h i t c h e d t o t h e b a c k o f t h e C h e v r o l e t . S o o n , t h o u g h , t h e m o n e y runs o u t . His o n e - m a n c o m m o d i t y b o o m i s over. T h e reality o f a n o r m a l i n c o m e level q u i c k l y kicks i n . H e c a n ' t a f f o r d t o g o t o t h e casino s o o f t e n , t h e s t r i p p e r s have s t o p p e d t r e a t i n g h i m like a c e l e b r i t y a n d a n e w m o d e l of u t e has b e e n r e l e a s e d t h a t he's u n a b l e t o g e t f i n a n c e for. B i t t e r w i t h t h e w o r l d , h e c o n t e n t s himself w i t h c u t t i n g off p e o p l e w h e n m e r g i n g lanes, c a l l i n g p e d e s t r i a n s p o o f s , a n d t h i n k i n g b a c k t o t h e t i m e w h e n h e was k i n g .

New Year's resolutions

In a rare display of patience, the bogan has resisted temptation
a n d w a i t e d all year. A n d w h e n , o n J a n u a r y first, i t w a k e s u p w i t h f i r e w o r k s a n d t h e f a m i l i a r c l i n k o f J a g e r b o m b s still r i n g i n g i n

its ears, i t i s r e a d y t o act. T h e b o g a n v o w s t h a t this year will b e d i f f e r e n t . This will b e t h e y e a r t h a t i t s h o w s ' t h e m ' . T h a t a f t e r n o o n it c o m p i l e s a l e n g t h y list of g o a l s , r e v e l l i n g in t h e sense of o c c a s i o n t h a t t h e first d a y o f t h e year g r a n t s t o such a list. I t v o w s t o b e c o m e fitter, h a p p i e r , m o r e p r o d u c t i v e , m o r e s p i r i t u a l , m o r e m a x t r e m e . O n 2 J a n u a r y t h e b o g a n d i g s o u t its pair o f s p o r t s s h o r t s a n d m a r c h e s off t o Fitness First t o sign u p f o r 1 2 m o n t h s . O n 3 J a n u a r y it enrols in a s h o r t c o u r s e t h a t will p r o v i d e it w i t h t h e s i n g i n g skills to d o m i n a t e Australian Idol. On 4 J a n u a r y it b u y s t h e l e a t h e r b o u n d t o m e t h a t w i l l h o u s e its f a m i l y t r e e p r o j e c t . O n 5 J a n u a r y it attends t h e g y m . On 6 January it is virtually i m m o b i l e d u e to t h e v o l u m e o f b i c e p curls i t insisted o n d o i n g . O n 1 1 J a n u a r y i t r e t u r n s t o t h e g y m , s o m e w h a t h u m b l e d , a n d increasingly a w a r e t h a t g e t t i n g e i t h e r h u g e o r svelte will t a k e q u i t e s o m e t i m e . A m o n t h later, its s p o r t s s h o r t s are b a c k in t h e d r a w e r , b u r i e d u n d e r t h e s e d i m e n t a r y layer o f its b o u r b o n - s t a i n e d S o u t h e r n Cross A u s t r a l i a Day a t t i r e . T h e first six h o u r s o f t h e s i n g i n g c o u r s e f a i l e d to transform it into a p o p idol, so it blamed the teacher for being useless a n d d i s c o n t i n u e d its a t t e n d a n c e . O n e w a y i n w h i c h i t h a d b e c o m e m o r e like a p o p i d o l , h o w e v e r , c a m e via its lack o f g y m a t t e n d a n c e i n o v e r t h r e e w e e k s . T h e b o g a n ' s p h y s i q u e w a s closer t o Susan Boyle's t h a n i t h a d ever b e e n . T h e o n l y f a m i l y t r e e p r o j e c t that was underway in t h e M c M a n s i o n was the female b o g a n n a g g i n g its s p o u s e t o t a k e t h e b a u b l e s o f f t h e d e a d p i n e l i m b i n t h e r u m p u s r o o m a n d cart i t o u t t o t h e n a t u r e s t r i p s o i t c o u l d b e c o m e s o m e o n e else's p r o b l e m . N o t a n i d e a l o u t c o m e , b u t t h e b o g a n k n o w s t h a t i t m u s t w a i t until 1 J a n u a r y t h e f o l l o w i n g year b e f o r e i t can p o n d e r n e w t a r g e t s .

News Limited
There is nothing a bogan loves more than being outraged. The
b o g a n is most f o n d of b e i n g o u t r a g e d at p e o p l e w h o , for a variety o f reasons, i t has m a d e m i n i m a l e f f o r t t o u n d e r s t a n d , e s p e c i a l l y on ethnic, national, or religious grounds. A n d there is no better b o w s e r o f f u r y - i n d u c i n g r o c k e t fuel t h a n N e w s Ltd's very o w n line o f A u s t r a l i a n n e w s p a p e r s . T h e o n l y r u m o u r e d g r e a t e r s o u r c e is w h a t e v e r is w r i t t e n at t h e b o t t o m of a glass of B u n d a b e r g and Coke. W i t h a n array o f c o l u m n i s t s w i t h a h a r d - w i r e d a w a r e n e s s o f the bogan's panic buttons, t h e t o p i c du j o u r on t h e c o m m e n t s p a g e (and, increasingly, t h e papers' w e b s i t e blogs) invariably revolves a r o u n d f i n d i n g s c a p e g o a t s f o r b a d t h i n g s . O f t e n , t h o s e a t f a u l t f o r t h e w o r l d ' s malaise are t h e very p e o p l e w h o are t h e v i c t i m s o f it. T h u s s t i m u l a t e d , b o g a n s are e q u i p p e d w i t h s u f f i c i e n t r i g h t e o u s i n d i g n a t i o n t o c o v e r any e n c o u n t e r w i t h a f e l l o w a t t h e w a t e r cooler, f o o d c o u r t , p l a y g r o u p o r o t h e r d e s i g n a t e d d a y t i m e b o g a n c o n v e r g e n c e p o i n t . O n c e discussion o f last n i g h t ' s e p i s o d e of Master Chef a n d Border Security is exhausted, that is. This

discussion t e n d s t o f o l l o w similar t h e m e s t o t h e c o m m e n t a r y p r i n t e d i n t h a t m o r n i n g ' s t a b l o i d s . I n d e e d , m a n y a b o g a n has b e e n c a u g h t r e p e a t i n g a s l i g h t l y m o r e o b s c u r e c o l u m n i s t v e r b a t i m , in an e f f o r t t o pass o f f t h e o p i n i o n a s t h e i r o w n . E x a m p l e : B o g a n 1 : ' C a n y o u b e l i e v e t h e y ' r e actually g o i n g t h r o u g h w i t h a n emissions t r a d i n g t h i n g y b e c a u s e o f c l i m a t e c h a n g e ? I m e a n , f o r all i n t e n s i v e p u r p o s e s , A u s t r a l i a d o e s n ' t m e a n a n y t h i n g t o climate change!' B o g a n 2: 'Tell me a b o u t it - it's all a c r o c k a n y w a y . . . t h e r e ' s a w h o l e b u n c h of scientists - like 1 0 0 , 0 0 0 - w h o say it's all b u l l , a n d

t h a t climate change is a myth m a d e up to charge us higher taxes s o w e can g i v e A b o s m o r e w e l f a r e t h a t t h e y ' l l s p e n d o n b o o z e ! A n d I r e c k o n this is a p e r f e c t o p p o r t u n i t y f o r t h e Liberals to m a k e a case f o r t h e n e x t e l e c t i o n - t h e r e ' s a silent m a j o r i t y o u t t h e r e t h a t ' s w a i t i n g f o r a p a r t y t o p u s h this w h o l e t h i n g t o o n e s i d e , b u t t h e lefty m e d i a w o n ' t p u b l i s h a n y t h i n g . It's Political C o r r e c t n e s s Gone Mad!' B o g a n 1 : ' T h a t ' s f u n n y , I r e a d exactly t h e s a m e t h i n g i n A n d r e w Bolt's c o l u m n t h i s m o r n i n g . . .' B o g a n 2: 'Really? Oh w e l l . . . w h a t a c o i n c i d e n c e . . . ha ha . . . G r e a t m i n d s t h i n k alike!' O f c o u r s e , t h i s i s n o t l i m i t e d o n l y t o N e w s Ltd's V i c t o r i a n o r Novocastrian endeavours. The Courier-Mail, the the NT News, t h e www.news.

Adelaide Advertiser a n d ,

of course,

incredible

c o m . a u (news b e i n g i n t h e t i t l e m a k e s i t easily g o o g l a b l e w i t h o u t actually k n o w i n g any n e w s w e b s i t e s - ideal f o r t h e thick-of-skull) a r e all b a s t i o n s o f b o g a n c o n f e c t e d o u t r a g e . E n o u g h o u t r a g e t o t i d e t h e b o g a n t h r o u g h t o 6 : 3 0 p m , o n its c h o i c e o f C h a n n e l 7 o r 9. N.B. The bogan would enjoy The Australian t o o , but its

w o r r i s o m e h a b i t o f u s i n g t o o m a n y c o n f u s i n g phrases like 'leftist a g e n d a ' makes it unsuitable reading for the b o g a n .

Late night logistics

Usually the bogan just doesn't care. Its conduct is that of a selfi n t e r e s t e d c r e t i n , u t t e r l y u n w i l l i n g t o t h i n k sequentially, a n d m e r r i l y t a k i n g d e l i g h t i n t h e m i s f o r t u n e o f o t h e r s . B u t like a n o c t o g e n a r i a n w h o has e x h a u s t e d his s u p p l y of V i a g r a , t h e r e is a d e f i n i t e s o f t s p o t i n t h e b o g a n ' s l e a t h e r y shell. This h i d d e n side o f t h e b o g a n i s a

c o m p a s s i o n a t e o n e , it is a s u p p o r t i v e o n e , it is a t h o u g h t f u l o n e . The bogan wants nothing but the best for you. U n f o r t u n a t e l y , t h e b o g a n suffers f r o m c o n f i d e n c e issues, a n d usually f i n d s i t s e l f t o o shy t o e x p r e s s its b e a u t i f u l t r u e self t o s t r a n g e r s . T h i s i s s o c i e t y ' s loss, a n d i t p a i n s t h e b o g a n t o t h e p o i n t t h a t i t will t u r n t o h a r d l i q u o r t o d u l l t h e p e r s i s t e n t p a n g s o f g u i l t a n d s h a m e . You can f i n d t h e b o g a n s t a n d i n g i n a d a r k c o r n e r o f a b a r l a t e i n t h e e v e n i n g , i n t o x i c a t e d o n its o w n e x i s t e n t i a l t o r m e n t , a n d h o p i n g t h a t o n e m o r e d r i n k w i l l l i b e r a t e i t f r o m its inhibitions. Over in the m i d d l e of t h e bar is an o b n o x i o u s drunkard w h o i s r i g o r o u s l y e x e r c i s i n g its f r e e d o m o f s p e e c h . T h e d r u n k a r d i s g e s t i c u l a t i n g w i l d l y t o m a k e its fallacious p o i n t s , w i t h its t e n t a c l e s f l i n g i n g d a n g e r o u s l y close t o b y s t a n d e r s . M i d - s e n t e n c e , its m o t o r skills finally a b a n d o n it, c a u s i n g its b o t t l e o f locally b r e w e d , f o r e i g n l a b e l b e e r t o fly f r o m its h a n d . T i m e s t o p s . O r i t g o e s i n t o t h a t b u l l e t t i m e t h i n g f r o m The Matrix. T h e c a m e r a pans t o t h e u n f u l f i l l e d b o g a n i n t h e corner, w a t c h i n g t h e b o t t l e majestically soaring t o w a r d s the wall. C a u g h t in the m o m e n t , t h e b o g a n f o r g e t s its fears. T h e b o g a n i s s u d d e n l y alive, catlike, p u r p o s e f u l . A s t h e b o t t l e crushes i n t o t h e plaster, t h e b o g a n is m o v i n g towards t h e d r u n k a r d , ready to offer advice and assistance. A t e m p o r a r y flash of s e l f - d o u b t r e t u r n s , so it rehearses its p r o p o s e d d i a l o g u e . 'Excuse m e , sir, I c o u l d n ' t h e l p b u t n o t i c e t h a t y o u r t i p p l e has s l i p p e d f r o m y o u r f i n g e r s a n d c o m e t o grief. I a m s a d d e n e d f o r y o u r loss, a n d d o n o t j u d g e y o u . I'm a t t u n e d t o y o u r e m o t i o n s , a n d sense t h a t y o u m a y b e e m b a r r a s s e d . I'm h e r e t o h e l p , p e r h a p s I c o u l d a r r a n g e f o r y o u r safe egress f r o m this e s t a b l i s h m e n t ? It's n o

t r o u b l e a t all, I'd b e o n l y t o o h a p p y t o b e o f assistance. ' I n t h e s a m e i n s t a n t t h a t t h e s o u n d o f s p l i n t e r i n g glass r i n g s t h r o u g h t h e air, t h e Pavlovian b o g a n lets its s p i r i t f l o w . ' A A A A A A H A H A H A H A H A H A TAXI! S O M E O N E GET THIS DICKHEAD A TAXI! TAXI! TAXI!'

Anti-intellectualism
The bogan will tell you it likes to think. However, prone to the
unquestioning acceptance of prescribed religion and nationalism, its m e n t a l faculties are a c c o r d i n g l y s t u n t e d . A n t i - i n t e l l e c t u a l i s m is t h e b l u d g e o n i n g device t h e b o g a n deploys against t h e nerds of t h e a d u l t w o r l d . I t a f f o r d s t h e b o g a n t h e o p p o r t u n i t y t o v a l i d a t e its p o o r l y - i n f o r m e d o p i n i o n o n c o m p l e x issues b y s t a t i n g t h a t a l i f e t i m e o f s t u d y i n g t h e s u b j e c t a t h a n d actually serves a s a n i m p e d i m e n t t o any ivory t o w e r elitist's analysis. T h e b o g a n b e l i e v e s its k n o w l e d g e of t h e 'Real W o r l d ' (which is l i m i t e d to Today Tonight, e x p l o s i v e d o m e s t i c a r g u m e n t s , a n d last s u m m e r ' s t r i p t o D r e a m w o r l d ) t r u m p s t h e i n t e l l e c t u a l ' s access t o t h e university's c o n s i d e r a b l e research r e s o u r c e s a n d d e c a d e s o f w i d e r e a d i n g w i t h i n t h e f i e l d . This i s because the b o g a n is a m o r o n , but can't stand to be w r o n g , even a b o u t t h i n g s it o n l y has a p a s s i n g i n t e r e s t in. I t all s t a r t e d i n p r i m a r y s c h o o l w h e n t h e y o u n g b o g a n realised t h a t t h e r e w e r e o t h e r kids m u c h s m a r t e r t h a n itself. This p r o v e d r a t h e r c o n f u s i n g f o r it. I t c o u l d r u n faster, kick h a r d e r a n d j u m p h i g h e r t h a n m a n y o f its c o u n t e r p a r t s , b u t w h y , t h e n , c o u l d i t n o t successfully m u l t i p l y f r a c t i o n s o r p o i n t o u t J a p a n o n a m a p ? Furious a t its o w n i n a d e q u a c i e s , a n d l a c k i n g t h e self-awareness o r d i s c i p l i n e t o i m p r o v e itself, t h e b o g a n l a s h e d o u t t h e o n l y w a y i t k n o w s h o w . Violently. It w o u l d hurl abuse such as ' s m a r t a r s e ' , ' n e r d '

o r ' t e a c h e r ' s p e t ' , a l l u d i n g t o its classmates' s u p e r i o r i n t e l l e c t u a l t r a i t s , a n d , i n t h e p r o c e s s , c o n v i n c e itself t h a t t h e y are i n t e n s e l y u n d e s i r a b l e qualities. A f t e r all, n o b o d y else i n t h e class h a d j u m p e d t h e i r d a d ' s j e t ski o v e r t h e t o p o f a n u n s u s p e c t i n g s w i m m e r . A n d it w a s o n l y n i n e . Flash f o r w a r d s o m e f ifteen years. T h e b o g u e is gainfully e m p l o y e d in a j o b t h a t r e q u i r e s it to w e a r a s h i r t a n d t i e . T h e p a y is r e a s o n a b l e , t h e r e c e p t i o n i s t has a s u p e r rack, a n d it is p a y i n g o f f a M c M a n s i o n w i t h m u l t i p l e f l a t - s c r e e n t e l e v i s i o n s . M u c h t o its c h a g r i n , h o w e v e r , i t t u r n s o u t t h a t its m a n a g e r i s like o n e o f t h o s e n e r d s f r o m b a c k i n school - s o m e o n e chosen for their intellectual prowess, and w h o is t h e r e f o r e a s m a r t a r s e . This m a n a g e r n o t o n l y earns t w i c e as m u c h as t h e b o g a n , b u t i s also s e e i n g t h e r e c e p t i o n i s t ' s s u p e r rack i n t h e sack e a c h n i g h t . A g a i n , t h e b o g a n b e c o m e s v e r y angry. H a t r e d c o u r s i n g t h r o u g h its veins, i t n o w d e c i d e s t h a t i t l o a t h e s e v e r y t h i n g t h a t has m a d e t h e u g l y n e r d rich a n d successful. W h a t f o l l o w s i s a l i f e t i m e of abject hostility and derision towards education, philosophy, l i t e r a t u r e , art, s c i e n c e , a n d a n y t h i n g else t h a t i t d o e s n ' t c h o o s e to understand. The b o g a n defiantly disregards these things as i m p r a c t i c a l a n d p o i n t l e s s , as its p r a c t i t i o n e r s are a b u n c h of p o o f s w h o are o b l i v i o u s t o t h e b o g a n ' s x t r e m e l y real w o r l d .

Scapegoats
The bogan doesn't care if people it doesn't know die, unless they
s p e a k English a n d d i e i n m a x t r e m e q u a n t i t i e s . O r t h e y d o n ' t s p e a k English b u t d i e i n q u a n t i t i e s s o m a x t r e m e a s t o d e p o p u l a t e a r e g i o n o f t h e p l a n e t . T h e t i m e i t w i l l care m o s t , t h o u g h , i s w h e n d e a t h s h a p p e n 'close t o h o m e ' , w h i c h i s w h y t h e 2 0 0 9 bushfires i n V i c t o r i a a n d t h e insulation fires o f 2 0 1 0 have l e d t o t h e b o g a n b e i n g d e e p l y

c o n c e r n e d f o r its o w n safety. A n d , o h y e a h , o t h e r p e o p l e ' s t o o . In t h e trashmedia Kraken's frantic flailing for megajustice, s o m e o n e t o b l a m e i s f o u n d ASAP. C u s t o m a r i l y , it's s o m e o n e w h o has b e e n b l a m e d b e f o r e . Politicians are p o p u l a r , i m m i g r a n t s are a s c e n d a n t a n d , o f c o u r s e , ' s o c i e t y ' i s n e v e r far f r o m t h e l i m e l i g h t . Thankfully, the b o g a n is capable of holding others to higher s t a n d a r d s t h a n i t e x p e c t s f r o m itself. T h e b o g a n will always love escapegoat. P e t e r G a r r e t t is a case in p o i n t . In his p a s t i n c a r n a t i o n as t h e f r o n t m a n o f M i d n i g h t O i l , G a r r e t t was t h e h a p p y r e c i p i e n t o f a f r e e pass f r o m m o s t b o g a n s . Even t h o u g h his p o l i t i c a l l y c h a r g e d lyrics m a y have b o r n e a d i s t i n c t w h i f f o f p o l i t i c a l c o r r e c t n e s s g o n e m a d , G a r r e t t h a d t o w a i t until t h e y v o t e d h i m i n b e f o r e h e was d e r i d e d f o r it. A n d e v e n t h o u g h m a n y b o g a n s v o c i f e r o u s l y d e n y t h e e x i s t e n c e o f s o m e t h i n g s o p a t e n t l y ridiculous a s t h e ' e n v i r o n m e n t ' , G a r r e t t was c r i t i c i s e d as a sell-out a n d a h y p o c r i t e f o r m a k i n g t h e l e a p f r o m activist t o p r a g m a t i s t . B u t i t w a s n ' t until early 2 0 1 0 , w h e n G a r r e t t i n a d v e r t e n t l y s i g n e d on as Minister Directly Responsible for Workplace Deaths, that he really c o p p e d i t f r o m t h e b o g a n . D e s p i t e t h e f a c t t h a t i n s u l a t i o n was installed in t h e homes of bogans w h o capitalised on t h e offer o f c h e a p i n s u l a t i o n w i t h o u t actually c h e c k i n g t o see i f t h e installer k n e w a p i n k b a t t f r o m a p i n k b i t , every d e a t h was G a r r e t t ' s f a u l t . The bogan's o p i n i o n a b o u t this was i n f o r m e d , t h e n reinforced, b y daily u p d a t e s f r o m Tracy G r i m s h a w , w h o , w i t h o u t s o m u c h a s b a t t i n g her r e p t i l i a n e y e l i d s , f o l l o w e d u p w i t h a s t o r y a b o u t d o d g y tradies. M o r e recently, C h r i s t i n e N i x o n , f o r m e r V i c t o r i a Police c o m m i s sioner, has e x p e r i e n c e d t h e b o g a n ' s r i g h t e o u s p u n i s h m e n t . A f t e r

r e a l i s i n g t h a t T h e B u t t e r f l y E f f e c t w a s a p r e t t y sick b a n d a n d an Ashton Kutcher movie, it looked it up. As it turns out, when C h r i s t i n e N i x o n sank h e r c h o p p e r s i n t o h e r c h i c k e n p a r m i g i a n a at the p u b one Saturday in February 2009, the displacement of p a r m a air t r i g g e r e d a r o a r i n g g a l e 6 0 k i l o m e t r e s n o r t h - w e s t o f t h e p u b , w h i c h f a n n e d t h e f l a m e s t o t h e e x t e n t t h a t Sam t h e Koala n e e d e d t o hit t h e b o t t l e . T h e b o g a n k n e w t h a t she m u s t pay, a n d pay so much more than the $18 for the parma. The bogan wants h e r t o n e v e r receive p a y m e n t f o r a n y t h i n g e v e r a g a i n . I t i s likely to prevail.

Homophobia
The bogan will tell you it is open and tolerant. To scratch the surface
o f this c l a i m , h o w e v e r , i s t o u n c o v e r p u r e , 2 4 - c a r a t bullshit. W h e n c h a l l e n g e d i n a n a r g u m e n t , t h e b o g a n will search its v o c a b u l a r y f o r a stinging riposte, fail, and settle for a synonym of ' h o m o s e x u a l ' . In b o g a n circles, this is as g o o d as g o l d . T h e safety-conscious s h o u l d n o t e t h a t s y n o n y m s f o r h o m o s e x u a l have b e e n used b e f o r e e v e r y k n o w n case o f g l a s s i n g i n A u s t r a l i a . T h e b o g a n w i l l u s e similar t e r m i n o l o g y w h e n in a s t a t e of c o n f u s i o n or a w k w a r d n e s s a b o u t s o m e t h i n g it sees as a t h r e a t , or d o e s n ' t f u l l y u n d e r s t a n d - w h e t h e r that's s o m e o n e b e i n g smart, expressive, refined, or in anyway diverging from suburban boganic orthodoxy. If the bogan d o e s n ' t like s o m e t h i n g , it's f o r p o o f t a s , b e c a u s e t h e b o g a n d o e s n ' t like p o o f t a s o r t h i n g s t h a t p o o f t a s like. S o d u r i n g t h e b a d t i m e s , when t h e bogan needs help in an argument, or merely comfort in unfamiliar circumstances, h o m o p h o b i a is there. The b o g a n male likes h o m o p h o b i a . While b o g a n females may give more of an impression of being

t o l e r a n t o f d i f f e r e n t sexualities, d o n o t b e f o o l e d . Their enthusiastic p e l v i s - g r i n d i n g a n d occasional a t t e n t i o n - h u n g r y p a s h i n g w i t h o t h e r w o m e n o n d a n c e f l o o r s i s p r i m a r i l y a n a t t e m p t t o increase t h e i r appeal to heterosexual b o g a n males. A n y approaches by genuine lesbians will b e m e t w i t h t h e s a m e h o r r o r a b o g a n m a l e w o u l d r e g a r d a g a y male's a d v a n c e . T h e r e are s o m e n o t a b l e e x c e p t i o n s t o t h e b o g a n ' s h o m o p h o b i a - gays w h o have b e e n p r o v i d e d d e f a c t o n o n - h o m o status, g e n e r a l l y for services r e n d e r e d t o b o g a n i t y . This includes f o r m e r r u g b y l e a g u e star Ian R o b e r t s , a n d e x - I d o l A n t h o n y C a l l e a ( a l t h o u g h t h e b o g a n will quickly p o i n t o u t t h a t t h e latter's s e c o n d record w a s ' t o t a l l y g a y ' ) . O f t e n t h e b o g a n will s i g n p o s t its t o l e r a n c e a n d o p e n n e s s t o d i f f e r e n t sexualities b y b e i n g a b l e t o i d e n t i f y v a r i o u s g a y c e l e b r i t i e s , a n d p o t e n t i a l o t h e r s t h a t i t claims are y e t t o ' c o m e o u t o f t h e c l o s e t ' . T h e t r a s h m e d i a K r a k e n has t r a i n e d t h e b o g a n i n h o w t o e n g a g e i n this t y p e o f s p e c u l a t i o n . But despite h o w it m i g h t try to hide it w h e n inconvenient, t h e b o g a n ' s h o m o p h o b i a is clear e n o u g h . If a s t r a i g h t m a l e b o g a n is t o l d t h a t his h a i r d o is a b i t gay, y o u can be sure t h a t it w i l l s p e n d numerous minutes in the bathroom at the next opportunity, t r y i n g t o carefully t o u s l e t h e h o m o s e x u a l i t y o u t o f his hair i n t h e m i r r o r , a n d f r e t t i n g a b o u t w h e t h e r his o u t f i t i s c o n t r i b u t i n g t o t h e p r o b l e m . T h e b o g a n w i s h e s t o m a k e itself a s c o n s p i c u o u s l y u n - g a y as p o s s i b l e in life's v a r i o u s sexuality c h a l l e n g e s , i n c l u d i n g a p p r o a c h i n g t h e urinal i n t h e m o s t m a n l y w a y p o s s i b l e , a n d s t a r i n g at t h e best available blank space of wall while standing around naked during a footy trip gang-bang.

Schadenfreude
When the bogan first heard of schadenfreude, it was very happy.
I t t h o u g h t i t w o u l d finally have s o m e t h i n g t o m i x w i t h M o t h e r , R e d Bull h a v i n g a l r e a d y b e e n a l l o c a t e d e x c l u s i v e l y t o J a g e r m e i s t e r . T h e b o g a n c l a p p e d e x c i t e d l y ; ' A M I L F b o m b ! ' i t s c r e e c h e d . Its e x c i t e m e n t w a s s h o r t l i v e d , as s c h a d e n f r e u d e is a c t u a l l y o n l y a c o n c e p t , a n d t h e o n l y c o n c e p t s t h a t t r u l y i n t o x i c a t e a b o g a n are political correctness g o n e m a d , free speech and confusion. D e s p i t e this initial s e t b a c k , i t t u r n s o u t t h a t t h e b o g a n still likes s c h a d e n f r e u d e v e r y m u c h . W h i l e i t w i l l glass a n y o n e t h a t t a k e s p l e a s u r e a t any o f its o w n g a f f e s , t h e b o g a n w i l l use its p h o n e t o r e c o r d a n y o n e else's p u b l i c h u m i l i a t i o n , a n d t h e n b r o a d c a s t i t t o F a c e b o o k as s o o n as p o s s i b l e . W h i l e t h e b o g a n itself b e l i e v e s t h a t i t can n e v e r b e b l a m e d , it derives m a x t r e m e e n j o y m e n t f r o m viewing the misfortunes of o t h e r b o g a n s . O t h e r a n y o n e , really. I n particular, t h e b o g a n w i l l e m b r a c e t h e f a i l i n g s o f c e l e b r i t i e s m o s t p a s s i o n a t e l y o f all. T h e b o g a n has a c u r i o u s l y p a t h e t i c a n d s y m b i o t i c r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h c e l e b r i t i e s , parasitically f e e d i n g off t h e i r success t o v a l i d a t e t h e i r s t u n t e d b e l i e f t h a t o n e d a y p e o p l e will g i v e a shit w h a t t h e y d o , y e t , like any p a r a s i t e , l e a p i n g o f f its h o s t t h e m o m e n t t h i n g s g e t hairy. T h u s , T i g e r W o o d s is n o w a t i p rat, Paris H i l t o n a slut a n d Lindsay Lohan a j u n k i e . H o w e v e r , t h e b o g a n , d e e p d o w n , k n o w s t h a t t h i s s c h a d e n f r e u d e w i l l n o t last, t h a t i t will f o r g i v e t h e c e l e b r i t y a n d r e a t t a c h its l i f e - g i v i n g a p p e n d a g e s t o its t r a s h m e d i a i n t r a v e n o u s d r i p . Because i t b e l i e v e s t h a t it, t o o , i s d e s t i n e d t o f a c e t h e rise t o f a m e , fall i n t o sex a d d i c t i o n , a n d rise t o b o g a n f o r g i v e n e s s o n e day, h e n c e his m o m e n t s o f s c h a d e n f r e u d e are brief. T h a t g o e s f o r p e o p l e t h e b o g a n k n o w s , like T i g e r W o o d s . W h e n

it comes to anonymous Australians, however, t h e bogan's capacity f o r m i r t h a t t h e p a i n o f a n o t h e r i s l i m i t l e s s . W h i l e Australia's Funniest Home Videos s h o w has b e e n on A u s t r a l i a n TV screens for t w o decades, t h e b o g a n is y e t to g r o w t i r e d of unruly farm animals biting fat w o m e n , children h e a d b u t t i n g each o t h e r on malfunctioning playground equipment, and over-confident dads c o m i n g t o g r i e f o n q u a d bikes - all t o t h e s a m e f o u r ' b o i n g ' noises. The patriotic b o g a n deems viewing this procession of canned laughs a s ' b e i n g a b l e t o l a u g h a t m y s e l f , a n d t h e s h o w ' s t h e m e s o n g ( ' A u s t r a l i a , A u s t r a l i a , this i s y o u ' ) a g r e e s .

Freedom of speech
Despite its understanding of patriotism being limited to Southern
C r o s s t a t t o o s , h a t i n g w h o e v e r t h e p r i m e m i n i s t e r is, a n d t h e u n w i t t i n g e m b r a c e o f f o r e i g n c u l t u r a l n o r m s , t h e b o g a n cherishes e a c h a n d e v e r y t h i n g t h a t it has s e e n in Australia's p r o p o s e d Bill o f Rights. N o i t e m i s m o r e i m p o r t a n t t o t h e b o g a n t h a n its r i g h t t o f r e e d o m o f s p e e c h . T h e b o g a n pauses t o c o n s i d e r this, a n d t h e n l o u d l y p r o n o u n c e s s o m e t h i n g a d d i t i o n a l a b o u t its r i g h t s , a n d h o w f r e e d o m of s p e e c h is also in t h e C o n s t i t u t i o n . T h e b o g a n is a p o o r s t u d e n t o f p o l i t i c a l history, a s i t i s t o o busy b e i n g x t r e m e i n t h e p r e s e n t . X t r e m e l y f r e e in its s p e e c h . T h e b o g a n i c i n t e r p r e t a t i o n o f this a l l e g e d f r e e d o m o f s p e e c h allows t h e b o g a n to b o t h internally and verbally c o n d o n e t h e way t h a t i t is. I t i s p r o u d t o b e u n i n f o r m e d , i m p u l s i v e a n d vulgar, a n d i t c a n ' t w a i t t o exercise its d i v i n e e n t i t l e m e n t t o t e l l e v e r y o n e all a b o u t it. A s such a n e c l e c t i c c r e a t u r e , this f r e e d o m t a k e s m a n y f o r m s . E x a m p l e s i n c l u d e l o u d l y b e r a t i n g retail staff, u n d e r t a k i n g heated domestic arguments in public, initiating 80 decibel phone conversations o n p u b l i c t r a n s p o r t , p a r t i c i p a t i n g i n g u t t e r j o u r n a l i s m opinion polls, and proactively offering x e n o p h o b i c or poorly c o n s i d e r e d o p i n i o n s o n s o c i e t y t o w h o m e v e r m a k e s f l e e t i n g eye contact with the bogan. Triggering the bogan's f r e e d o m of speech b u t t o n w i t h this glance p r o d u c e s a feeling of r e g r e t similar to t h a t e x p e r i e n c e d w h e n a c c i d e n t a l l y using t h e w o r d ' w a l k ' w i t h i n e a r s h o t o f a n a t t e n t i v e a n d easily e x c i t a b l e d o g . W h i l e certain that it should be a beneficiary of free speech, t h e b o g a n is e q u a l l y a d a m a n t t h a t it s h o u l d n o t be a r e c i p i e n t of it. T h e b o g a n reacts p o o r l y t o a n o n - b o g a n p a s s i n g j u d g e m e n t o n it, angrily d i s c r e d i t i n g t h e o p i n i o n o f f e r e d t o i t a s political c o r r e c t n e s s

g o n e m a d , or s o m e sort of cultural elitism t h a t must be crushed. This also e x t e n d s t o c r i t i c i s m o f its d i s c o m b o b u l a t e d t X t - s p e a k , b e c a u s e literacy i s a d e t e s t a b l e c o n d i t i o n c o n f i n e d t o t h e e n e m i e s o f t h e b o g a n . Evidently, t h i s p o w e r f u l f r e e d o m o f s p e e c h w i e l d e d b y t h e b o g a n has n o t sufficiently m o t i v a t e d i t t o learn t o s p e a k w e l l . I t reserves t h e r i g h t t o s p e a k i n m i s n o m e r s , f l a w e d syllogisms a n d m a l a p r o p i s m s , a n d n o t have a n y o n e p o i n t this o u t t o it. Eventually, i t b e c o m e s clear t h a t t o t h e b o g a n , f r e e d o m o f s p e e c h i s p r i m a r i l y c o n f i n e d t o its o w n r i g h t t o yell o v e r t h e t o p o f s o m e o n e else, until i t b e c o m e s a g i t a t e d e n o u g h t o glass t h e m f o r b e i n g a c***.

Conspiracy theories/urban legends

The bogan knows things. It doesn't know how it knows; it just
k n o w s . O f t e n , it's t h i n g s t h a t t h e general p o p u l a t i o n i s n o t a w a r e of. Even m o r e o f t e n , t h e b o g a n k n o w s t h i n g s w h e n t h e i n f o r m a t i o n is p r e s e n t e d to it in a F a c e b o o k g r o u p , a t r u s t e d n e w s s o u r c e , o r i n A n d r e w Bolt's c o l u m n . T h e b o g a n j u s t k n o w s . T h e b o g a n ' s d e s i r e t o lap u p c o n v e n i e n t l y e d i t e d p i e c e s o f i n f o r m a t i o n a n d t h e n parrot t h e m back as t h e comprehensive t r u t h is a conceptual c o m b - o v e r c a p a b l e o f c l a d d i n g e v e n t h e b a l d e s t o f t h e o r i e s i n halfa-dozen tenuous strands of delusion. The bogan's ability to rapidly d e t e r m i n e t h e t r u e n a t u r e o f t h i n g s spares i t f r o m t h e n e e d t o learn t h e c o n t e x t , a l t e r n a t i v e s , o r r a m i f i c a t i o n s o f any area o f k n o w l e d g e i t t u r n s its a t t e n t i o n t o . This r e n d e r s t h e b o g a n m o r e e f f i c i e n t t h a n t h e rest o f society, f r e e i n g u p t i m e f o r i t t o g o o u t a n d b e x t r e m e a t a w e s o m e stuff w h i l e e v e r y o n e else p l o d s a l o n g like suckers. N o t c o n t e n t t o j u s t hastily w e i g h i n o n s t a n d a r d t o p i c s , t h e b o g a n seeks o u t p r e p o s t e r o u s claims t h a t n o b o d y else has e v e r

h e a r d of. W h o c o u l d have k n o w n , f o r e x a m p l e , t h a t t h e u n a s s u m i n g r o d e n t - c a n i n e h y b r i d k n o w n a s t h e C h i h u a h u a can c u r e a s t h m a , o r t h a t s n e e z i n g seven t i m e s i n a r o w releases t h e s a m e e n d o r p h i n s as w h e n having an orgasm. The b o g a n knows these things. Its i n s a t i a b l e n e e d t o k n o w t h i n g s a l s o e x t e n d s t o m o r e c o m p l e x issues such a s assassinations, t h e c h e m i c a l c o m p o s i t i o n of drinking water or the veracity of global w a r m i n g . While the world's thinking c o m m u n i t y remains v e x e d , t h e bogan's verdict is i n : c l i m a t e c h a n g e , f o r i n s t a n c e , is n o t h i n g b u t a 'Trojan H o r s e ' f o r p o w e r - h u n g r y scientists t o f o r c e t h e i r b i g t a x i n g , r e d i s t r i b u t i v e socialist g r e e n left a g e n d a on ' h a r d w o r k i n g Australians'. The b o g a n also s e e m s c o n v i n c e d t h a t m u c h o f t h e c o u n t r y ' s d r i n k i n g w a t e r i s c o n t a m i n a t e d ' w i t h t h a t f i l t h y f l u o r i d e stuff', a n assertion i t will l o u d l y b e l l o w w h i l e c o o k i n g i n its n o n - s t i c k p a n , h o s i n g its B u d d h i s t - i c o n o g r a p h y g a r d e n o r n a m e n t s o r c l e a n i n g its s w i m m i n g p o o l (all b e i n g m a d e f r o m i n o r g a n i c f l u o r i d e ) . T h e k n o w l e d g e a b l e b o g a n will t h e n espouse t h e safety benefits of d r i n k i n g vitamin w a t e r w h i l e p u n c h i n g o u t a n S M S a t 110 k i l o m e t r e s p e r hour. F u r t h e r s t i l l , if a b o g a n sees e v i d e n c e of a c e l e b r i t y w i t h a c o n s p i r a c y t h e o r y , its t r u t h v a l u e b e c o m e s g o s p e l m u l t i p l i e d b y max. The primary e x c e p t i o n to this is t h e bogan's scepticism t o w a r d s T o m Cruise a n d t h e C h u r c h o f S c i e n t o l o g y , w h i c h a t t r a c t g r e a t b o g a n i c m i r t h . A f t e r all, T o m Cruise's aliens l o o k d i f f e r e n t t o t h e d r a w i n g t h a t U n c l e M i c k d i d o f t h e t i m e t h a t h e saw m a r t i a n s after b e i n g o f f e r e d a f u n n y c i g a r e t t e at t h e p u b . In fact, S c i e n t o l o g y is a sinister s c h e m e d e v i s e d by t h e g o v e r n m e n t to c h a n n e l t a x p a y e r d o l l a r s i n t o g e t t i n g aliens t o o v e r t h r o w Palestine a n d steal all o f t h e oil a n d f e e d Elvis t o G e o r g e Bush w h o i s actually t h e g u y f r o m t h e Da Vinci Code. T h e b o g a n j u s t k n o w s .

Other people's backyards

The bogan staunchly defends its right to access middle-class
w e l f a r e schemes such as n e g a t i v e g e a r i n g in o r d e r to create a highly g e a r e d a n d l o w l y d i v e r s i f i e d i n v e s t m e n t e m p i r e . A p a r t m e n t s , units, houses w i t h big backyards - investment properties equal b i g , odiferous b o g a n schmackos. But while t h e b o g a n wants t o o w n all p r o p e r t i e s , i t also insists t h a t o t h e r p e o p l e retain t h e m t o o . I t w a n t s o t h e r p e o p l e t o have b a c k y a r d s t o a d e q u a t e l y h o u s e t h i n g s the b o g a n finds unpleasant. While the b o g a n will reluctantly a c k n o w l e d g e the need for u n d e s i r a b l e t h i n g s like s e w a g e f a r m s , landfills, a n d n o n - f r a n c h i s e d c o f f e e s h o p s t o exist s o m e w h e r e , i t w a n t s t h e c o n s e q u e n c e s o f its o w n r a b i d b e h a v i o u r t o b e e n t i r e l y b o r n e b y o t h e r p e o p l e , far far away. T h e crucial p r o b l e m h e r e i s t h a t t h e b o g a n a n d its interests h a v e c o l o n i s e d t h e m a j o r i t y o f t h e n a t i o n . Very f e w l o c a t i o n s exist w h e r e s o m e t h i n g such as a hospital c o u l d be built, d u e to an avalanche of b o g a n complaints that t h e sound of t h e ambulances w o u l d ruin t h e p e a c e a n d q u i e t d u r i n g t h e i r r o u t i n e v i e w i n g s o f Grey's Anatomy. If an a i l i n g b o g a n is n o t i n s t a n t l y c u r e d by t h e m e d i c a l s y s t e m , t h e b o g a n ' s f a m i l y will s i m u l t a n e o u s l y p h o n e A Current Affair a n d Slater & G o r d o n to e x t r a c t m a x t r e m e j u s t i c e . T h e b o g a n w a n t s t o e a t its c a k e , b e g i v e n a n u n l i m i t e d f r e e s u p p l y o f a d d i t i o n a l cakes, a n d never g e t d i a b e t e s f r o m t h e s t a g g e r i n g v o l u m e o f g l u c o s e c o n t a i n e d t h e r e i n . O r else. The b o g a n considers p r o p o s e d airports and nuclear d u m p s u n a c c e p t a b l e , a n d m e d i u m d e n s i t y r e s i d e n t i a l d e v e l o p m e n t s near its M c M a n s i o n e v e n w o r s e . W h i l e t h e M c M a n s i o n o c c u p i e s 9 8 % o f its b l o c k o f l a n d , any d e v e l o p m e n t t h a t p r o p o s e s t o d o t h e s a m e w i t h o u t a t h i r d r u m p u s r o o m i n its f l o o r p l a n elicits i n t e n s e

existential fury in t h e b o g a n . The b o g a n fears t h a t t o w n h o u s e s and apartments may attract latte-sipping intellectuals or ethnic m i n o r i t i e s t o its n e i g h b o u r h o o d , p l a c i n g t h e c o m m e r c i a l v i a b i l i t y o f t h e local m e g a c h u r c h u n d e r t h r e a t . H o r d e s o f i n f u r i a t e d N I M B Y b o g a n s will d e s c e n d u p o n t h e local m u n i c i p a l o f f i c e s , d e c l a r i n g t h a t this e n t i r e layer o f g o v e r n m e n t needs to be sacked immediately. They will drag t h e p r o p o s e d d e v e l o p m e n t t h r o u g h a n e x t e n d e d a n d costly p l a n n i n g a p p e a l s process, o f f e r i n g an array of excuses entirely ineffective at masking their o w n self-interest. Eighteen m o n t h s , four lawyers, a n d six a r c h i t e c t u r a l r e d e s i g n s later, t h e n o w u t t e r l y c o m p r o m i s e d d e v e l o p m e n t will p r o c e e d . T h e b o g a n will c l a i m a C a s t / e - e s q u e v i c t o r y o v e r ' g r e e d y d e v e l o p e r s ' , a n d g e a r u p its n e g a t i v i t y t o resume complaining a b o u t h o w housing affordability is atrocious, m a k i n g i t u n a b l e t o e x p a n d its n e g a t i v e l y g e a r e d e m p i r e a t t h e desired velocity.

Talking about joining the army

The bogan likes talking about things it never intends doing. Loudly.
The bogan's love of killing things is manifested in many ways; o v e r s i z e d p e t s , b u r n i n g fossil fuels, p a i n t b a l l , a n d glassing c * * * s , b u t p e r h a p s t h e m o s t d e v o t e d b o g a n love i s t a l k i n g a b o u t j o i n i n g t h e army. For t h e r e i s n o t h i n g c o n c e i v a b l y m o r e m a x t r e m e t h a n talking about shooting an xtreme gun, in xtreme temperatures, in c o u n t r i e s a n d t e r r a i n t h a t it is x t r e m e l y u n a w a r e of. A l l in t h e n a m e o f t h e m o s t x t r e m e o f all c a u s e s : N a t i o n a l S e c u r i t y . T h e very t h o u g h t o f t a l k i n g a b o u t d e f e n d i n g its shores a n d b e s t o w i n g f r e e d o m o n s o m e f u n n y b r o w n - c o l o u r e d p e o p l e f e e d s its h i g h l y s t r u n g t e m p e r a m e n t like a t o n i c d i s t i l l e d f r o m crack. T h e m e r c i f u l

warrior, t h e apotheosis of f r e e d o m and soldier of peace, simply c a n n o t w a i t t o t a l k a b o u t j o i n i n g t h e A r m e d F o r c e s . O n c e its back recovers. The b o g a n cannot actually join t h e army for a m u l t i t u d e of reasons. W h i l e t h e appeal of driving an e n o r m o u s a r m o u r e d vehicle is certainly undeniable, t h e bogan's normally unwavering enthusiasm for killing t h i n g s seems strangely lacklustre w h e n it c o m e s t o actually e n l i s t i n g a n d b e c o m i n g t h e t h i n g . U p o n d e e p e r r e f l e c t i o n , t h e reasons f o r such p a u c i t y o f e n d e a v o u r b e c o m e e v e n clearer. N e i t h e r I r a q n o r A f g h a n i s t a n b o a s t s c l u b s w h e r e i t can g e t l o a d e d o n J a g e r b o m b s a n d glass c * * * s . B u t i t fails t o realise t h a t b o t h c o u n t r i e s have a b u n d a n t q u a n t i t i e s o f real b o m b s a n d its i n h a b i t a n t s can q u i t e easily s h o o t c * * * s , s h o u l d t h e y s o d e s i r e . T h e r e is also t h e issue of a d i s t i n c t lack of f l e s h e x p o s u r e a m o n g w o m e n i n t h e s e w a r - t o r n lands. T h e b o g a n k n o w s t h i s a n d d o e s n ' t like it. T h e b o g a n i s n e v e r o n e t o stray t o o far f r o m its c o m f o r t z o n e , a n d t h e a r m y r e q u i r e s i t t o d o t o o m a n y p e s k y t h i n g s t h a t g e t i n its way. In a c u r i o u s d i s c o r d f r o m its usual p i t of i g n o r a n c e , t h e b o g a n , i t s e e m s , realises t h a t j o i n i n g t h e a r m y i s n o t h i n g like b e i n g J a s o n B o u r n e . O r M a t t D a m o n , f o r t h a t matter. T h e b o g a n c o n c l u d e s this landmark glimmer of introspection by inwardly v o w i n g to go and w o r k in the mines, while continuing to verbalise a f e i g n e d plan to surpass Australia's v i c t o r y a t G a l l i p o l i .

Shock jocks
The bogan clings to its habits like a mollusc to a shipwreck's hull.
It will only holiday in places w i t h familiar franchised retailers, it w i l l o n l y d r i n k g r e e n b e e r o n S t Patrick's Day, a n d i t will t r u s t o n l y

Richard W i l k i n s via s a t e l l i t e f r o m Los A n g e l e s . B u t s o m e t i m e s t h e b o g a n grows t i r e d of this predictability. It w o n d e r s if t h e highs a n d l o w s o f life o u t s i d e o f its c o c o o n are w o r t h e x p e r i e n c i n g . I t craves x t r e m e e m o t i o n . A t this p o i n t , t h e b o g a n will s o m e t i m e s p u r c h a s e a n o n - J e t s t a r i n t e r n a t i o n a l airfare, w a t c h SBS N e w s , or try something in wholemeal. A l a r m e d and confused by the ordeal, i t c o n c l u d e s t h a t i t can have its d e s i r e f o r n e w h o r i z o n s a b l y m e t i n radio f o r m by a m y o p i c shock jock. Kyle S a n d i l a n d s n o t o n l y d i s c o v e r e d t h e f i c k l e n e s s o f b o g a n r a g e w h e n h e ran t h e r a p e lie d e t e c t o r skit o n S y d n e y r a d i o , b u t also t h e g r a c i o u s n e s s o f b o g a n f o r g i v e n e s s . T h e b i p o l a r b o g a n w a s q u i c k t o p a r d o n S a n d i l a n d s , a s its d w i n d l i n g o u t r a g e w a s u s u r p e d b y its g r o w i n g n e e d t o b e o u t r a g e d a g a i n . C h a n n e l 7 s o o n r e s t o r e d Kyle t o his r i g h t f u l p o s i t i o n o f l u r i n g b o g a n s o n t o talkback radio. T h e M e l b o u r n i a n b o g a n , f o r years d e n i e d t h e t r u e S y d n e y - s t y l e t a l k b a c k r a d i o e x p e r i e n c e , n o w has Talk Radio 1 3 7 7 . O n A M , n o less - t h e o r i g i n a l b a s t i o n of b o g a n - b a i t i n g h a t e - m o n g e r s - this network features the creme de la creme of bogan-baiting hatemongers. Here, a m o n g the company of Sammy N e w m a n , A n d r e w B o l t a n d a l c o h o l i c e x - A Current Affair h a t e w r i g h t Chris S m i t h , t h e b o g a n can f i n d rare r e f u g e f r o m t h e Political C o r r e c t n e s s G o n e M a d which is rampant throughout the latte-sipping media. The m i d d l e - a g e d a n d elderly b o g a n s have b e e n f e e l i n g as t h o u g h t h e y ' v e b e e n missing o u t , w i t h t h e y o u n g e r b o g a n s e n j o y i n g t h e i r Ed H a r d y c l o t h e s , Australian Idol a n d anal sex. T h e r e has f o r years b e e n a s i m m e r i n g r a g e , lying d o r m a n t , a n d w a i t i n g t o b e a c t i v a t e d b y s o m e o l d - f a s h i o n e d m a d h a t i n g skills. Talk r a d i o has t h e requisite skills t o a p p e a l directly t o t h e b o g a n ' s

h a t e g l a n d . W h e r e A Current Affair can o n l y h i n t t h a t Asians are i n v a d i n g t h e c o u n t r y , A n d r e w B o l t can say t h a t m u l t i c u l t u r a l i s m ' r e w a r d s m o s t t h o s e w h o i n t e g r a t e least'. Perhaps i n g o o d t i m e , he will be able to fan t h e flames of a race riot, m u c h as Alan Jones d i d in Cronulla. To t h e b o g a n , calling into talkback radio for a pause-poor skewed rant is t h e b e g i n n i n g , m i d d l e and e n d of 'doing something'. From there, it is perfectly positioned to blame everything on the government.

Paintball
Its mother cried that morning. The bogan son awkwardly embraced
her, t e l l i n g her t h a t e v e r y t h i n g w o u l d b e okay. H e ' d b e b a c k h o m e safely s o o n e n o u g h , h e s a i d . A n d b e s i d e s , h e ' d u s e d a g u n b e f o r e , a n d c o u l d h a n d l e himself i n a f i g h t . His m o t h e r c o n t i n u e d t o w e e p , u n c o n s o l e d . She h a d h o p e d n e v e r t o s e e t h e d a y t h a t h e r s o n w o u l d g o off t o p a i n t b a l l war. B u t she k n e w i t was f o r a cause m u c h g r e a t e r t h a n her o w n selfish n e e d t o see h e r o n l y c h i l d b e safe. I t was f o r his b e s t m a t e ' s buck's party. Paintball's origins d a t e b a c k t o t h e year t h a t Phil Collins p l a g u e d t h e w o r l d w i t h In the Air Tonight, a n d w e n t on to sell a b u t t l o a d o f c o p i e s . T h e r e was d e f i n i t e l y s o m e t h i n g i n t h e air t h e n i g h t t h a t s h o o t i n g p a i n t - f i l l e d capsules f r o m a h i g h - p o w e r e d g u n b e c a m e a b o g a n rite o f p a s s a g e . T o killing t h i n g s . E m b o d y i n g b o g a n - t r u s t e d loves of w a r a n d p a i n t , p a i n t b a l l is a p s e u d o - d e a d l y s i m u l a t i o n of w h a t w i l l n e v e r h a p p e n o n a real b a t t l e f i e l d . N e v e r t h e l e s s , t h e b o g a n embraces it with the same fervour it musters up when t a l k i n g a b o u t j o i n i n g t h e army. Pregnant with anticipation, the b o g a n eagerly awaits the i m p e n d i n g skirmish w i t h its t e n b e s t m a t e s . W h a t lies a h e a d i s a

d a y o f s h o o t i n g balls o f p a i n t a t its m a t e s ' balls, w i t h a p a r t i c u l a r e m p h a s i s o n assassinating t h e b u c k . True t o f o r m , t h e b o g a n lacks t h e d i s c i p l i n e t o stay ' a l i v e ' o r f a c e any real c o n s e q u e n c e s o f b e i n g in a ' b a t t l e f i e l d ' . It will thus run a r o u n d maniacally, g u n in o n e h a n d a n d massive can i n t h e o t h e r , s c a n n i n g t h e t e r r a i n s o i t can repeatedly shoot the buck for the sixteenth t i m e and prove once a n d f o r all t h a t i t i s i n d e e d t h e b i g g e s t a n d q u i c k e s t g u e r r i l l a i n t h e j u n g l e . This, d e s p i t e t h e f a c t t h a t i t was ' k i l l e d ' a b o u t t h r e e m i n u t e s a f t e r s t r a p p i n g o n its p r o t e c t i v e g o g g l e s . A l l t h e w h i l e , its m o t h e r sits a l o n e i n her l o u n g e r o o m , f o r l o r n l y t h u m b i n g a t a t t e r e d p h o t o o f her c h i l d w h i l e t h e c l o c k ticks l o u d l y f r o m o u t i n t h e hallway. S o m e d a y s later, w h e n t h e p a i n t has f i n a l l y p e e l e d o f f a n d t h e c a m o u f l a g e g e a r n i c k e d , h e w i l l p r o u d l y display his e x t r e m e b r u i s i n g t o all a n d sundry. H e will e n t h r a l his listeners w i t h t a l e s o f g a l l a n t r y a n d valour, a n d l a u g h u n c o n t r o l l a b l y a b o u t t h e t i m e h e t o t a l l y ' n a i l e d D a v e in t h e balls, LOL'. M e a n w h i l e , his life g i v e r is r e l i e v e d t h a t her p r o g e n y i s b a c k safe a n d s o u n d w i t h o u t g e t t i n g killed or acquiring trench f o o t .

Tramp stamps
If s not news that a typical bogan is impulsive, vulgar, and eager
t o a c q u i r e gravitas a n d r e s p e c t t h r o u g h s u p e r f i c i a l m e a n s , b u t it's an i m p o r t a n t p a r t of w h y it has such a s t r o n g affiliation w i t h artless t a t t o o i n g . W h i l e t h e r e can s o m e t i m e s b e a b l u r r e d d e l i n e a t i o n b e t w e e n male and female b o g a n behaviour, nevertheless there remains s o m e s o r t o f desire f o r t h e f e m a l e b o g a n t o p r e s e n t herself w i t h f e m i n i n e e l e m e n t s . This i s o f t e n m a n i f e s t e d i n t h e a l a r m i n g l y liberal application of cheap cosmetics and female fragrances, a l o n g w i t h a p p a r e l t h a t b e t r a y s a b u n d a n t i n f o r m a t i o n a b o u t her p h y s i q u e . A f t e r initial c o n f u s i o n a s t o h o w t h e f e m a l e b o g a n c o u l d a c q u i r e t a t t o o s w h i l e still r e t a i n i n g s o m e s e m b l a n c e o f f e m i n i n i t y , t h e s o l u t i o n was f o u n d : t r a m p s t a m p s . T h e t r a m p s t a m p i s a t a t t o o o n t h e small o f t h e f e m a l e ' s b a c k , t y p i c a l l y b e t w e e n 4 cm x 4 cm a n d 10 cm x 10 c m , t h o u g h s o m e t r i b a l s p e c i m e n s have b e e n o b s e r v e d t h a t c o v e r t h e e n t i r e rear span o f t h e muffin t o p . The f e m a l e b o g a n seeks not w a r r i o r s y m b o l s s u c h a s skulls, f l a m e s o r s p o r t i n g t e a m l o g o s , m a k i n g t h e list o f a c c e p t a b l e d e s i g n s q u i t e s h o r t . I t i n c l u d e s d o l p h i n s , b u t t e r f l i e s a n d l o v e hearts - i m a g e s t h a t d e c e p t i v e l y s u g g e s t t h a t the female w o u l d make a g o o d mother. A n o t h e r favourite is Asian l e t t e r i n g . I n a n o t a b l e d e p a r t u r e f r o m h e r usual d i s c r i m i n a t i o n against A s i a n p e o p l e , she e m b r a c e s t h e i r a l p h a b e t s t o c o n v e y lofty ideals such as h o p e , f r i e n d s h i p a n d loyalty. Tribal p a t t e r n s are also p e r m i t t e d , t h o u g h t h e y are t y p i c a l l y less a n g u l a r a n d r o b u s t t h a n those found on the male. W h y t h e l o w e r b a c k ? Possibly a s a d i s p l a y o f p l u m a g e w h i l e g e t t i n g p l o u g h e d f r o m b e h i n d , b u t m o r e likely a s a m i s g u i d e d a t t e m p t t o b e d i s c r e e t . W h e n t h e f e m a l e b o g a n o b s e r v e s herself

i n t h e mirror, she t y p i c a l l y o n l y sees t h e f r o n t o f her b o d y . Lacking t h e self-awareness t o realise t h a t a n y o n e s t a n d i n g b e h i n d her i s o b s e r v i n g t h e o t h e r s i d e , she f o r m s t h e o p i n i o n t h a t she has f o u n d t h e i d e a l w a y t o a u g m e n t her a p p e a r a n c e w i t h o u t sacrificing her p e r c e i v e d l i k e n e s s t o classier w o m e n . A l s o p r o b l e m a t i c i s t h e f e m a l e b o g a n ' s t e n d e n c y t o w e a r i l l - f i t t i n g c l o t h i n g , e x p o s i n g large a m o u n t s o f b a c k real e s t a t e e v e r y t i m e she b e n d s o v e r t o b e l t h e r recalcitrant children.

Christian Audigier
Some suspect Christian Audigier is an arsehole. Yet the bogan loves
h i m . D e s p i t e n o t k n o w i n g w h o h e is. D e s p i t e b e i n g his p e r s o n a l b i l l b o a r d f o r years. M r A u d i g i e r i s t h e p l a s t i c - f a c e d French f a s h i o n d e s i g n e r w h o has u n l e a s h e d t h e visual misery o f n o t j u s t V o n D u t c h b u t also E d H a r d y o n cities w o r l d w i d e . His t e c h n i q u e i s d e v a s t a t i n g l y s i m p l e : r e p a c k a g e C a l i f o r n i a n r e d n e c k p o p a r t f r o m t h e 1960s b y p r i n t i n g i t o n hats a n d t-shirts, g e t s o m e t r a s h b a g c e l e b r i t i e s t o w e a r i t a n d t h e n affix a s t o n i s h i n g l y h i g h p r i c e s t o t h e p r o d u c t s . T h e b o g a n i s w i l l i n g t o s t r u c t u r e its e n t i r e m o n t h ' s w a g e a r o u n d t h e a c q u i s i t i o n of one of these products. ' V o n D u t c h ' w a s a c t u a l l y a C a l i f o r n i a n m e c h a n i c a n d car p i n s t r i p e r n a m e d K e n n e t h H o w a r d , w h o w o r k e d f r o m t h e 1950s until d y i n g o f a l c o h o l i s m - r e l a t e d causes i n 1992. His e s t a t e s o l d t h e r i g h t s t o use his c r e a t i v e w o r k s t o a J a p a n e s e c o n g l o m e r a t e w h o then onsold t h e m before they eventually w o u n d up in the filthy p a w s o f A u d i g i e r . T h e b r a n d ' s t i m e a s g e n u i n e f a s h i o n was f l e e t i n g , before t h e b o g a n b e c a m e aware of t h e brand a n d b e g a n paying $110 for a trucker cap or gaudy handbag bearing the logo.

Once the Von Dutch trend waned, Audigier returned with s o m e t h i n g e v e n m o r e o b n o x i o u s - Ed Hardy. H a r d y is a C a l i f o r n i a n t a t t o o i s t a n d artist w h o s o l d t h e rights t o use his 1960s t a t t o o w o r k i n 2 0 0 2 , o n c e again s n a p p e d u p b y A u d i g i e r , i n 2 0 0 4 . T h e s u b s e q u e n t g a r m e n t s a r e e m b l a z o n e d w i t h r e t r o t a t t o o i n g (skulls, f l a m e s , p r e d a t o r y animals and o t h e r m a x t r e m e motifs), b r i g h t metallic p a i n t a n d glitter. T-shirts sell f o r b e t w e e n $ 1 5 0 a n d $ 2 5 0 . The b o g a n , like a m o t h to a light g l o b e , is d r a w n to t h e o p p o r t u n i t y to display fashionable torso t a t t o o i n g at venues t h a t d e m a n d the wearing of clothes. If the bogan is able to afford m u l t i p l e E d H a r d y g a r m e n t s , i t can also i n d u l g e its s h o r t a t t e n t i o n span by d o n n i n g a d i f f e r e n t g a r m e n t t h e n e x t day, a n d h e n c e a n e w set o f t a t t o o s . B e i n g a b l e t o d i s p l a y l a r g e t a t t o o a r t i n a n i g h t c l u b o r s h o p p i n g c e n t r e e n v i r o n m e n t increases t h e c o n f i d e n c e o f t h e b o g a n , a n d m a k e s i t f e e l closer t o H o l l y w o o d . A t t h e c o n c l u s i o n o f t h e E d H a r d y f a d , A u d i g i e r will r e t r e a t t o his lair, f l i p t h r o u g h a r e t r o p o p a r t b o o k a n d p l a n his n e x t cynical attack on t h e hip p o c k e t of t h e unwitting aspirational b o g a n .

Tribal tattoos
Much the same as a herd of warring goats, bogans closely
associate success a n d social p r o m i n e n c e w i t h p u r s u i t s r e l a t i n g t o physical p r o w e s s . F i n d i n g a c o n v e n i e n t w a y t o c h a n n e l t h e spirit o f t h e gladiator in order to b e c o m e t h e alpha of their t o w n or s u b u r b can b e critical t o t h e s e l f - w o r t h o f t h e b o g a n . T h e b o g a n has a v a g u e awareness t h a t o v e r t h e millennia, t h e r e have p r o b a b l y b e e n thousands of brave feats of killing things p e r f o r m e d by warrior-like p e o p l e . But, o p e n i n g a b o o k to figure o u t what, where, a n d w h e n can b e q u i t e t h r e a t e n i n g . T h o u s a n d s o f b o g a n s have d i s c o v e r e d

that a quick and effective way to appropriate t h e battle markings of this i m a g i n e d w a r r i o r is t h r o u g h a t r i b a l t a t t o o . Tribal t a t t o o s serve a n o t h e r i m p o r t a n t f u n c t i o n f o r t h e b o g a n : they actually allow it to convince itself t h a t it is culturally and artistically a w a r e . B e c a u s e t r i b e s are p r o b a b l y f r o m s o m e o t h e r c u l t u r e , t h e b o g a n b e c o m e s p r o u d o f its o p e n - m i n d e d n e s s a n d ability to embrace t h e thuggish tendencies of an abstract p e o p l e f r o m a n o t h e r era a n d / o r c o m m u n i t y . B y d o i n g s o , t h e b o g a n d i s p l a y s t o l e r a n c e a n d a c c e p t a n c e o f all p e o p l e , a n d d e e p l y connects with the cosmos. Secondly, t r i b a l t a t t o o i n g allows t h e b o g a n t o express its artistic sensibilities. T h e b o g a n e n j o y s b e i n g a b l e , u p o n e n q u i r y a b o u t its t a t t o o , to state t h a t he/she ' d e s i g n e d it m y s e l f . Designing a tribal t a t t o o requires t h e c a p a c i t y t o d r a w u p t o 6 0 a r c e d o r s w i r l e d lines w i t h n o d e f i n e d spatial o r t h e m a t i c s t r u c t u r e , a n d t o t h e n pass i t off a s i n s p i r e d e x p r e s s i o n . J u s t a s this was w i t h i n t h e c a p a c i t y o f t h e g l i s t e n i n g trail of a snail on a slab of h o t c o n c r e t e , t h e b o g a n is also a b l e t o t r i u m p h i n this e n d e a v o u r . J a g g e d lines i n t h e d e s i g n d e p i c t battle-readiness, hardness, and other unspecified warrior traits. T h e b o g a n m a l e is a w a r e t h a t a t r i b a l t a t t o o is b e s t d i s p l a y e d o n a b r o a d , w a r r i o r - l i k e p i e c e o f f l e s h . S o m e b o g a n s w i l l achieve this t h r o u g h m a k i n g t h e i r b i c e p s h u g e a t t h e g y m , w h i l e o t h e r s w i l l e a t m o r e f a t t y f o o d t h a n t h e y e v e r s h o u l d . T h e f e m a l e b o g a n also expresses i n t e r e s t i n a c q u i r i n g t r i b a l m a r k i n g s , t h o u g h g e n e r a l l y in the f o r m of a t r a m p stamp. By expressing itself t h r o u g h t h e p e r m a n e n t a p p l i c a t i o n of a t a n g l e o f u n i n t e l l i g i b l e a n d m e a n i n g l e s s lines t o its b o d y , t h e b o g a n a t t a i n s t h e s t a t u s o f artist, c r e a t o r , w a r r i o r a n d , p e r h a p s most importantly, suitable b r e e d i n g partner.

Southern Cross tattoos

As previously discussed, tattoos regularly adorn the bogan's body,
a d v e r t i s i n g such t h i n g s a s w a r l i k e t o u g h n e s s , c o n f e c t e d spirituality, femininity a n d cultural sensitivity. In t h e t r a d i t i o n of c o - o p t i n g s y m b o l s it d o e s n ' t f u l l y u n d e r s t a n d , t h e b o g a n tatt du jour is t h e S o u t h e r n Cross. A b e a u t i f u l a n d e v o c a t i v e d e s i g n d e r i v e d f r o m t h e celestial f o r m a t i o n o f t h e s a m e n a m e , t h e S o u t h e r n Cross a p p e a r s o n t h e A u s t r a l i a n f l a g , a n d also o n t h e flags o f N e w Z e a l a n d , Brazil, Papua N e w G u i n e a a n d S a m o a . T h e b o g a n , c o n s i d e r i n g itself p a t r i o t i c , is actually a n a t i o n a l i s t , and being unaware of t h e distinction b e t w e e n these t w o things, b e l i e v e s A u s t r a l i a has a m o n o p o l y o v e r a c o n s t e l l a t i o n t h a t is visible f r o m a b o u t f i f t y o t h e r c o u n t r i e s t h e b o g a n has n e v e r h e a r d of. S u b s e q u e n t l y , t h e S o u t h e r n Cross t a t t o o , o r t h e 'Aussie Swazie' as it's k n o w n in s o m e circles, has b e c o m e f o r t h e b o g a n a s y m b o l o f ' A u s s i e P r i d e ' , a s e c r e t b o g a n c o d e w o r d f o r i m m e n s e racial intolerance. T h e S o u t h e r n Cross t a t t o o c o m e s i n a n u m b e r o f f o r m s , f r o m t h e p o p u l a r a n d s i m p l e f i v e star d e s i g n t o t h o s e i n c o r p o r a t i n g the outline of the Australian continent or a b o x i n g kangaroo, and i s s o m e t i m e s a d o r n e d w i t h such ' p a t r i o t i c ' s l o g a n s a s ' F u c k off, w e ' r e f u l l ' , ' W e g r e w h e r e , y o u f l e w h e r e ' , a n d 'If y o u d o n ' t l o v e it, l e a v e ' . T h e s e s l o g a n s first c a m e t o t h e a t t e n t i o n o f t h e w i d e r p u b l i c d u r i n g t h e 2 0 0 5 C r o n u l l a r i o t s , s t a r t e d w h e n local b o g a n s b e c a m e i n c e n s e d t h a t g r o u p s o f L e b a n e s e p e o p l e w e r e b e h a v i n g like b o g a n s on 'their' beach. The Aussie bogans a t t e m p t e d to send t h e Lebanese packing, b u t failed to make Cronulla even 1/100th a s scary f o r L e b a n e s e p e o p l e a s B e i r u t . S o u t h e r n Cross t a t t o o s

h a v e b e e n p r o l i f e r a t i n g i n A u s t r a l i a e v e r s i n c e . TBL's t a t t o o i s t sources c l a i m t o b e c h u r n i n g o u t a b o u t 1 5 Aussie Swazies a w e e k , a startling pace which shows no sign of s l o w i n g . So, a s t h e sun sets o n a n o t h e r d a y o f b e i n g a p r o u d A u s s i e , t h e b o g a n looks t o w a r d s t h e skies o n l y t o b e b a f f l e d b y t h e s t r a n g e a p p e a r a n c e of a c o n s t e l l a t i o n t h a t l o o k s like a p o s s u m s i t t i n g in a t r e e . I t q u i c k l y i g n o r e s this a s t r o n o m i c a l a n o m a l y , b r i e f l y g l a n c e s a t its t a t t o o a n d c o n t i n u e s t o scan t h e l a n d s c a p e f o r any s t r a y Lebanese.

Fashion statements
The term 'fashion statement is an interesting one. It suggests that
a p e r s o n ' s c h o i c e o f c l o t h i n g says s o m e t h i n g a b o u t t h e m s e l v e s , w h a t t h e y t h i n k , a n d h o w t h e y see t h e w o r l d . Basically it's a s p e e c h b u b b l e c o n n e c t e d t o one's b o d y all d a y l o n g , v i s i b l e t o e v e r y b o d y . S o i t m a k e s p e r f e c t sense t h a t p e o p l e s h o u l d w e a r c l o t h i n g t h a t t h e y u n d e r s t a n d . T h e b o g a n d o e s n o t m a k e p e r f e c t sense. B o g a n s are particularly f o n d o f w e a r i n g c l o t h e s w i t h large n u m b e r s p r i n t e d o n t h e m . O n e p o s s i b l e e x p l a n a t i o n i s t h a t it's an intellectual s t a t e m e n t a b o u t w h a t t h e b o g a n feels to be an excessively c o m p e t i t i v e c u l t u r e in w h i c h e v e r y o n e is m a d e to f e e l as t h o u g h t h e y are in a race. This p o s s i b i l i t y can safely be e l i m i n a t e d , as t h e b o g a n does not think in those kinds of abstract symbolism. A f t e r careful t h o u g h t , T B L can c o n c l u d e t h a t n o e x p l a n a t i o n can p o s s i b l y j u s t i f y this b e h a v i o u r . It is t h e r e f o r e j u s t baseless t r e n d t r o t t i n g and a desire to wear s o m e t h i n g written in large, bright lettering. T h e c o n f u s i o n d o e s n o t e n d t h e r e , t h o u g h . T h e b o g a n also e n j o y s w e a r i n g c l o t h i n g t h a t r a n d o m l y pairs a f o r e i g n city n a m e
7

w i t h a r a n d o m n o u n a n d a r a n d o m n u m b e r . If y o u ask a d i l e t t a n t e b o g a n w h y it is w e a r i n g a y e l l o w t - s h i r t w i t h 'San Francisco Bears 7 4 ' s c r a w l e d across it, d o n o t e x p e c t t o g e t a n answer t h a t c o n t a i n s actual i n s i g h t . I f y o u press f u r t h e r a n d ask i t w h a t its f a v o u r i t e s p o t i n San Francisco is, t h e p o o r l y t r a v e l l e d b o g a n w i l l likely b e c o m e a g i t a t e d . A n d a n y s u g g e s t i o n t h a t San F r a n c i s c o i s A m e r i c a ' s l e a d i n g g a y t o w n , a n d t h a t ' b e a r ' i s slang f o r ' o v e r w e i g h t a n d hairy g a y m a n ' is c e r t a i n to c r e a t e a p u n c h - o n . This t r e n d o f b o g a n i c f a s h i o n n o n - s t a t e m e n t s i s h a p p e n i n g o n s t r e e t s a n d d a n c e f l o o r s near y o u . Even i n M e l b o u r n e ' s n o n - b o g a n f r i e n d l y ' h i p s t e r p r e c i n c t ' , a TBL h a u n t , a b o g a n m a l e w a s r e c e n t l y sighted w e a r i n g a 'Fretilin' e m b l a z o n e d f i t t e d t-shirt m a d e by m i d price disposable 1 6 - 2 5 fashion b r a n d M - O n e - 1 1 . In t h e course of TBL's research, t h e b o g a n w a s a s k e d w h e t h e r h e t h o u g h t X a n a n a G u s m a o had b e e n an effective president for t h e Timorese. It t o o k a g o o d 3 0 s e c o n d s t o e x p l a i n t o t h e i r r i t a b l e b o g a n t h a t h e was w e a r i n g a politicised t-shirt relating to a country that he could not have p i n p o i n t e d on a m a p , O M G , and knew nothing about. The b o g a n ' s f a s h i o n s t a t e m e n t can b e s u m m a r i s e d a s ' d u h ' . J u s t l o o k at Ed Hardy.

Movember
Movember has for some years been an initiative to raise money
for, a n d a w a r e n e s s of, m e n ' s h e a l t h issues via t h e g r o w i n g o f m o u s t a c h e s i n t h e m o n t h o f N o v e m b e r . Several years a f t e r t h e event's c o n c e p t i o n , u p o n seeing celebrities participating, t h e b o g a n m a l e c a u g h t w i n d . Its b e l a t e d arrival d i d n o t h i n g t o h a m p e r its e n t h u s i a s m . I n f a c t , t h e e x c i t e m e n t was such t h a t t h e b o g a n h a d l i t t l e t i m e t o s t o p a n d learn t h e r a t i o n a l e b e h i n d t h e m o u s t a c h e -

g r o w i n g p h e n o m e n o n . A n d there was no n e e d t o . A n d r e w G was d o i n g it. E v e r y o n e was d o i n g it. T h e r e f o r e t h e b o g a n w o u l d d o it t o o . N o w comfortable e n o u g h to go bush with the protection of t h e h e r d , t h e b o g a n set a b o u t g r o w i n g a m o u s t a c h e i n N o v e m b e r f o r n o reason o t h e r t h a n t h e irresistible p o r t m a n t e a u c r e a t e d b y substituting the letter ' M ' for ' N ' . People w o u l d be impressed, the bogan reasoned, at the wit and spontaneity required to be i n v o l v e d in a m o v e m e n t w i t h such a clever n a m e . H a v i n g a m o u s t a c h e m a d e t h e b o g a n f e e l like a s e v e n t i e s p o r n star, a n d this m a d e i t o k a y f o r t h e b o g a n t o act like a s e v e n t i e s p o r n star: a g r e e n l i g h t f o r a m o n t h o f s e e d y b e h a v i o u r , i n n u e n d o a n d j o k e s a b o u t c l e a n i n g t h e p o o l . I t also g a v e t h e b o g a n a c h a n c e to advertise that it had indeed gone t h r o u g h puberty, showing off its m a n l y p l u m a g e i n a n e f f o r t t o i m p r e s s t h e b o g a n f e m a l e . Invariably, t h e b o g a n w i l l s e l e c t t h e h a n d l e b a r m o u s t a c h e a s its s t y l e o f c h o i c e , c o n s i s t e n t w i t h its life p h i l o s o p h y t h a t m o r e i s a l w a y s m o r e . Like a h e r d o f c o m p e t i n g c a r i b o u , social p e c k i n g o r d e r s f o r t h e m o n t h are d e t e r m i n e d b y t h e size a n d f e r o c i t y o f the handlebar face-antler on the b o g a n . D u r i n g t h e course o f t h e m o n t h , t h e b o g a n saw o t h e r M o v e m b e r p a r t i c i p a n t s actively f u n d r a i s i n g f o r m e n ' s h e a l t h , a n d c o n s e q u e n t l y r e c e i v i n g t h e a p p r o v a l o f o t h e r s . This c o n v i n c e d i t t o a n n o u n c e t h a t i t w a s d o i n g t h e s a m e . A n y a c t u a l offers o f m o n e y w e r e m e t w i t h c o n f u s i o n , w i t h t h e b o g a n t e n d i n g t o p o c k e t any p r o c e e d s f o r its o w n use. At Movember's end, the bogan is confused. By now comfortable w i t h its w e l l - d e v e l o p e d m o u s t a c h e a n d a c c o m p a n y i n g o n e - l i n e r s , i t d e c i d e s t o c o n t i n u e w i t h its n e w l o o k . M o u s t a c h e n u m b e r s

a r o u n d i t d r o p s h a r p l y i n t h e days t h a t f o l l o w , a n d y o u n g b o g a n w o m e n r e t u r n t o t h e i r d e f a u l t p o s i t i o n o f d e c r y i n g t h e lip w a r m e r in accordance with the prevailing H o l l y w o o d fashion. That evening t h e b o g a n m a l e shaves, a n d rejoins its h e r d .

Suiting up
On the surface, much of the male bogan's behaviour portrays a deep
r e s e n t m e n t of 'intellectuals', 'elitists', a n d successful p e o p l e w h o are n o t celebrities or l o t t e r y w i n n e r s . But this is merely a m a n i f e s t a t i o n o f w h a t i s a r g u a b l y its g r e a t e s t f e a r : b e i n g l e f t o u t . I n d e e d , t h e b o g a n m a l e a s p i r e s t o a h i g h s o c i e t y life o f sophistication, being in the know about get-rich-quick schemes a n d dalliances w i t h c o r p o r a t e lawyer-cum-lingerie models. But, lacking t h e required self-discipline and rigour to achieve genuine success, i t resorts t o t r y i n g t o c o n v i n c e itself t h a t i t i s a p a r t o f e l i t e s o c i e t y by ' s u i t i n g u p ' o n c e in a w h i l e f o r a m a j o r e v e n t such as t h e M e l b o u r n e C u p , a w e d d i n g o r its little sister's d e b . This also a l l o w s t h e b o g a n t h e o p p o r t u n i t y t o d o t w o t h i n g s i t likes v e r y m u c h : p r e t e n d it is a c e l e b r i t y at a r e d c a r p e t e v e n t ; a n d use t h e phrase 'suit up'. Men's f o r m a l wear is traditionally w o r n in a conservative, u n d e r s t a t e d fashion, seeking to subtly c o n n o t e traits such as respect, confidence and power. But t h a t stuff is for poofs. The b o g a n i s n o t c o n s e r v a t i v e o r u n d e r s t a t e d , a n d seeks t o c o n v e y a n i m a g e o f m a x t r e m e h u m a n b i l l b o a r d b r a n d i n g a t all t i m e s . A s A r m a n i i s y e t t o p r o d u c e a suit c o n s p i c u o u s l y s p l a s h e d w i t h l o g o s a n d b o g a n s l o g a n s , t h e b o g a n m a l e has h a d t o f i n d o t h e r ways t o s i g n p o s t its a l p h a - c o n s u m e r b o g a n h e r d m e m b e r status w h e n s u i t i n g u p . Its ' a n y t h i n g y o u c a n do I c a n do . . . b i g g e r '

a t t i t u d e has l e d i t t o r e m i x its f o r m a l a t t i r e i n t o a n e y e - j a r r i n g l y g a r i s h c o m b i n a t i o n o f g a r m e n t s c o n s i s t i n g of: b l a c k s u i t , b l a c k shirt, w h i t e ' c r o c o d i l e s k i n ' s h o e s , shiny silver t i e , t o p p e d off b y a n e n o r m o u s pair o f E u r o p e a n d e s i g n e r sunglasses. T h e e n d result is an a w k w a r d l y c l a d c r e a t u r e t h a t l o o k s s o m e w h e r e b e t w e e n a confused penguin and an ill-assembled piano. At the conclusion of a night's formal festivities, the pianop e n g u i n b o g a n m a l e has l u r e d a s h i n y o r a n g e f e m a l e b o g a n , shoes in h a n d , b a c k to its lair. He is h o r r i f i e d w h e n she asks h i m t o suit u p .

r
SEX

Sexpo
Once a year, all of the bogan's tawdry sexual fantasies come to
b e a r u n d e r o n e l a r g e c o r r u g a t e d roof. D e v i o u s l y m a r k e t e d a s a n e x h i b i t i o n f o c u s i n g o n all a s p e c t s o f h e a l t h a n d sexuality, S e x p o is b u t a filthy menagerie of sweat, failed dreams, w a s h e d - u p porn stars a n d o v e r p r i c e d d i l d o s . N u r s i n g l o v e - t o y s a m p l e b a g s a n d b l a n k faces, t h e b o g a n s p a t i e n t l y p e r u s e e v e r y t h i n g , f r o m stalls h a w k i n g t h e latest i n p l e a s u r e - i n d u c i n g g a d g e t r y t o Miss N u d e A u s t r a l i a p r e s i d i n g o v e r t w o m e n s i m u l a t i n g sexual p o s i t i o n s f r o m t h e Kama Sutra on a b l o w - u p d o l l . L a n g u i d l y s t r o l l i n g p a s t t h e g a u d y bazaar o f g - s t r i n g s , g i g g l e s , p o r n m a g s , p e e p s h o w s a n d m o t o r i s e d p a r a c h u t e rides, t h e b o g a n ' s m i n d i s b r i e f l y d i s t r a c t e d by t h e s u d d e n a p p e a r a n c e of a man dressed as a giant penis handing out lube and condoms. /

N o t to be left o u t of t h e action, the f e m a l e b o g a n will enthusiastically p a r t i c i p a t e i n t h e ' F a k e a n O r g a s m ' c o m p e t i t i o n o r t a k e p o l e d a n c i n g lessons o r b a r e all i n t h e A m a t e u r Strip S h o w , all t h e w h i l e b e i n g c a j o l e d b y t h e aural c h a r m s o f t i m e l e s s b o g a n Russell G i l b e r t . T h i s f u r t h e r g i v e s t h e b o g a n a n o p p o r t u n i t y t o attempt to temporarily apply the A D H D ethos of pornography t o its o w n s e x l i f e . B y i n t e r a c t i n g w i t h B - g r a d e p o r n stars a n d o b t a i n i n g a s i g n e d c o p y of M o n i c a M a y h e m ' s Anal Episodes 9: The Ploughing at Bathurst, it satisfies its n e e d to i m m e r s e itself in t h e seedy, illicit u n d e r g r o u n d o f h a r d c o r e e r o t i c a . Of course, no b o g a n event is complete w i t h o u t the gratuitous b u r n i n g o f m a s s i v e a m o u n t s o f fossil f u e l s . E n t e r t h e g r o u p o f d a r e d e v i l f r e e s t y l e m o t o r c y c l i s t s w h o call t h e m s e l v e s t h e C r u s t y D e m o n s . T h e i r ability t o j u m p r e p e a t e d l y o v e r m o u n d s o f s a n d o n a 2 5 0 c c d i r t b i k e w h i l e p e r f o r m i n g s t r a n g e t r i c k s has t h e b o g a n

g a s p i n g i n a m a z e m e n t a s i t vicariously t a p s i n t o t h e b o n e - c h i l l i n g , h i g h - o c t a n e e x c i t e m e n t . O n c e i t has c o l l e c t e d a sufficient n u m b e r o f f r e e s a m p l e s , i t will m a k e o n e last r o u n d o f t h e garish c o l l e c t i o n o f a d u l t p r o d u c t s t h a t can b e f o u n d a t any s u b u r b a n C l u b X s t o r e before scurrying h o m e to ferociously masturbate.

Hugh Hefner
In your more private moments, you probably enjoy looking at some
p o r n . The animalistic, overplayed instant gratification w o r l d of a d u l t e n t e r t a i n m e n t can b e a ( r e ) p r o d u c t i v e e s c a p e . T h e b o g a n i s n o t like y o u . I t w a n t s t o e x p e r i e n c e this w o r l d a t all t i m e s . T h e i n t e r n e t has m a d e p o r n f o o t a g e easily accessible, b u t t h e b o g a n females w a n t e d something more 'tasteful' to communicate their r a u n c h y life-vision a t t h e s h o p p i n g c e n t r e a n d t h e p u b . A s a result, t h e y t u r n e d to t h e sexual fantasies of an 83-year-old A m e r i c a n m a n . Please v o m i t i n y o u r m o u t h s a s w e e x p l a i n h o w t h i s i s a m a n i f e s t a t i o n of . . . f e m i n i s m . Of all t h i n g s . There have long b e e n t w o o p p o s i n g camps in t h e feminist movement, one arguing that pornography is degrading, and one arguing that it advances a woman's f r e e d o m of expression a n d sexuality. W i t h o u t b e i n g a w a r e o f t h i s , t h e b o g a n f e m a l e has d e c i s i v e l y s i d e d w i t h t h e m o v e m e n t t h a t b e s t a l l o w s i t t o b e crass. S o m e c o m m e n t a t o r s have a t t e m p t e d t o a p p l y t h e l o f t y m e t a p h o r of w o m e n 'repossessing t h e oppressive w o r l d of p o r n a n d making i t t h e i r o w n ' , b u t this g i v e s t o o m u c h c r e d i t t o t h e t h o u g h t process of the female bogan. W e a l r e a d y k n o w t h a t t h e m a l e b o g a n has a c l u m s y , m a n i c sense o f sexuality. I t craves t h e m a x t r e m e , i n d u l g i n g i t t h r o u g h f a u x - l e s b i a n i s m , t h e use o f e x p e n s i v e a n d b r i g h t l y c o l o u r e d p r o p s .

t h e v i e w i n g o f h a r d c o r e p o r n , o r p r e s s u r i n g its p a r t n e r i n t o t a k i n g i t u p t h e shitter. T h e s a m e p r i m a l a p p e a l lies i n t h e e x p a n s i v e , g l i t t e r i n g f a u x - t o u g h b r a n d i n g o f ' c o u t u r e ' c l o t h i n g such a s E d H a r d y . I t has t a k e n a r i c k e t y o c t o g e n a r i a n t o m e r g e t h e s e t w o b o g a n loves, f e e d i n g s m u t a n d g l i t t e r i n t o his f i n e l y t u n e d b o g a n and redneck merchandising machine, and miraculously churning o u t a f e m i n i s t s t a t e m e n t a t t h e o t h e r e n d . T h e P l a y b o y b r a n d has t r a n s f o r m e d itself i n t h e m i n d o f t h e f e m a l e b o g a n f r o m ' c r u d e ' t o ' c h e e k y ' , a d e l i n e a t i o n t h a t t h e b o g a n has little g r a s p of. Today, every s e c o n d b o g a n f e m a l e can be seen t o t t e r i n g a r o u n d a s w a l k i n g b i l l b o a r d s f o r H e f n e r ' s c o n c e p t o f sexy. P l a y b o y has c r e a t e d a w i d e r a n g e o f m i d - p r i c e d , p r o m i n e n t l y b r a n d e d p r o d u c t s f o r all f a c e t s o f t h e f e m a l e b o g a n ' s life, a n d t h e y have b e e n p u r c h a s e d in a b u n d a n c e . A c o v e r f o r her i P h o n e ? Sure. A w h a l e tail f r a m e f o r her t r a m p s t a m p ? Y e p . I n her m o r e p r i v a t e m o m e n t s , she closes her eyes a n d i m a g i n e s s e d u c t i v e l y f e e d i n g a cluster o f V i a g r a t a b l e t s t o H u g h H e f n e r i n t h e P l a y b o y m a n s i o n , like a R o m a n p e a s a n t w i t h a b u n c h of g r a p e s f o r her e m p e r o r . A truly liberated feminist.

Anal
In your private moments with your significant other, casual nocturnal
acquaintance, or even with a r a n d o m f r o m t h e p u b , you may e x p l o r e t h e f u l l n e s s o f y o u r sexuality. It's a m o d e r n w o r l d , a n d t a b o o s are d r o p p i n g . ' A n y t h i n g b e t w e e n c o n s e n t i n g a n y b o d i e s ' , as M a r v i n G a y e so e l o q u e n t l y p u t it. B u t n o t f o r t h e b o g a n m a l e . H e b e l i e v e s i t exists p u r e l y t o b u s t taboos, if not hymens. He goes straight up the date. Seasoned by years of c r a m p - i n d u c i n g p o r n c o n s u m p t i o n ,

t h e b o g a n m a l e n o l o n g e r has a c o n c e p t o f a h e a l t h y s e x u a l r e l a t i o n s h i p . It m u s t n o w d o m i n a t e sluts. It m u s t place its e n g o r g e d m e m b e r in as m a n y i n a p p r o p r i a t e holes as it can c o n c e i v e of (three) w h i l e s h o u t i n g 'Take it, b i t c h ! ' a n d s l a p p i n g h e r o n t h e b a c k f l a p s . T h e b o g a n exists t o p u t t h e x x x i n m a x x x t r e m e . T h e w o m e n ' s m o v e m e n t o f t h e sixties a n d seventies t r a n s f o r m e d the world's ideas o f h o w t o d o the d e e d . Pleasuring w o m e n became equally i m p o r t a n t to pleasuring the man. If the standard - missionary - p o s i t i o n fails to a c h i e v e an o r g a s m f o r t h e w o m a n , it s h o u l d no l o n g e r be s t a n d a r d . C r e a t i v i t y a n d sensitivity are required. Unfortunately, because of the debilitating effect of p o r n o n t h e b o g a n male's reality, a n d its b u t t e r - s m e a r e d g r a s p o n h u m a n intimacy, meaningful relationships a n d w o m e n generally, t h e b o g a n has a f i e r c e d e s i r e o n l y f o r m a x t r e m e f u c k i n g . X t r e m e m a x d o u b l e - p e n e t r a t i v e sex i s t h e o n l y sex. T h e b o g a n wishes t o live o u t t h e narratives p r e s e n t e d o n its c o m p u t e r screen b y Randy Cockburger. The b o g a n will a p p r o a c h sexual e n c o u n t e r s initially as an o p p o r t u n i t y to live o u t t h e d r e a m p r o m i s e d to it in Ten Things I Ate About Poo, w h e r e b y he m e r e l y n o d s his h e a d , d r a w s his p o r k s w o r d (he d i d o n t h e f o o t y t r i p ) , a n d p r o c e e d s t o slap a w o m a n a r o u n d t h e h e a d w i t h it. ' H e r e i t is, g e t a t it, h o ' , p r o c l a i m s t h e b o g a n male, e m b o d y i n g a glorious hybrid of Ron J e r e m y and Charlie Sheen. W h e n this a p p r o a c h fails, h e a d o p t s t h e J a m e s B o n d m o d e l , a s s u m i n g t h a t his s u a v e e x t e r i o r a n d d e b o n a i r b e h a v i o u r ( q u i p s d e r i v e d f r o m last w e e k ' s e d i t i o n o f Z o o Weekly) w i l l s i m p l y result i n a n a c q u i e s c e n t c o r p o r a t e l a w y e r - c u m - l i n g e r i e m o d e l f a l l i n g b l i n d l y i n t o b e d w i t h h i m . 'Is t h a t a m i r r o r i n y o u r p o c k e t ? Because I can see m y s e l f in y o u r p a n t s ' .

Finally, h e falls b a c k o n t h e t r i e d a n d t r u e b o g a n c o m b i n a t i o n o f e i g h t v o d k a cruisers, half a n h o u r o f i n t e n s e b e g g i n g , a n d t h e p r o m i s e o f t h r e e e x t r a c h a r m s f o r her P a n d o r a b r a c e l e t . T h e b o g a n f e m a l e , m e a n w h i l e , has h a d t h e c o n c e p t o f x t r e m e anal n o r m a l i s e d in her social g r o u p ever since Tiarnee said t h a t her b o y f r i e n d p r o m i s e d her a Tiffany's b r a c e l e t a f t e r she let h i m have a go at her arse. This b r a c e l e t has n e v e r b e e n s i g h t e d . While the heterosexual b o g a n male loves to absolutely j a c k h a m m e r t h e crap o u t of every ' f o r b i d d e n ' f e m a l e hole he can f i n d , i t g o e s w i t h o u t s a y i n g t h e b o g a n ' s o w n anus is, t o use e n g i n e e r i n g p a r l a n c e , a b r i d g e t o o far. This i s b e c a u s e t h e b o g a n i s t e r r i f i e d o f t h e c o n c e p t t h a t t h e r e are s o m e m e n w h o p r e f e r t o share t h e i r p a r l o u r o f p l e a s u r e w i t h o t h e r m e n . T h e b o g a n , w h o s e r e p e r t o i r e o f w i t t y insults i s m a d e u p e n t i r e l y o f t i r e d s y n o n y m s f o r 'homosexual', considers homosexuality strange and unnatural, yet i s p e r f e c t l y h a p p y t o r u b o n e o u t w h i l e w a t c h i n g v i d e o s o f girls f i s t i n g each other. I n t h e m o m e n t s d i r e c t l y a f t e r his m a x x o r g a s m , t h e J e r e m y / S h e e n b o g a n is p e r p l e x e d - is she a s l e e p , or has she m e r e l y f a l l e n i n t o a c o m a o f i n t e n s e ecstasy? O r has his g e n t l e d o n k e y p u n c h c o m p l e t e l y r e n d e r e d her u n c o n s c i o u s ?

Cross-dressing
Cross-dressing has a long and noble history dating back to the
i n v e n t i o n o f c l o t h e s , a n d has s o m e t i m e s b e e n u s e d f o r d i s g u i s e , s o m e t i m e s f o r t h e a t r e , s o m e t i m e s f o r scaring t h e shit o u t o f p e o p l e , a n d s o m e t i m e s s i m p l y b e c a u s e i t j u s t feels r i g h t . M o r e recently, i t has c o m e t o b e a s s o c i a t e d w i t h d r a g q u e e n s a n d g a y c u l t u r e at large, things t h a t your g a r d e n variety b o g a n feels a p r o f o u n d

a n x i e t y a r o u n d . S u b s e q u e n t l y , u n t i l recently, i t w o u l d have b e e n unthinkable that the b o g a n , known for deriding anything it finds a n a t h e m a a s ' g a y ' , w o u l d a d m i t t o l i k i n g c r o s s - d r e s s i n g . B u t this has all c h a n g e d . N o w , no Footy Show s e g m e n t , b o y s ' w e e k e n d or b o g a n buck's party is c o m p l e t e w i t h o u t a male b o g a n dressing up as a w o m a n . So h o w do we explain this f l u m m o x i n g conundrum? S i m p l e . It's n o t a b o u t t h e dress; it's a b o u t t h e balls u n d e r n e a t h . T h e b o g a n m a l e dresses u p a s a w o m a n t o m a k e a s t a t e m e n t , w h i c h g o e s s o m e t h i n g a l o n g t h e lines o f 'Hey, I'm w e a r i n g a dress, b u t I'm still t h e d o m i n a n t a p e , a n d i f y o u call m e a p o o f y o u ' l l c o p a glassing w o r s e t h a n W a y n e Carey's ex-missus.' Unlike t r a d i t i o n a l c r o s s - d r e s s i n g , w h i c h aims t o p r o j e c t u p o n a m a n t h e i m p r e s s i o n o f w o m a n h o o d , b o g a n c r o s s - d r e s s i n g aims t o p r o j e c t u p o n t h e m a n y e t m o r e m a n h o o d . This i s w h y i t i s i m p o r t a n t f o r t h e b o g a n m a l e t h a t w h e n i t dresses u p a s a w o m a n , i t m u s t l o o k n o t h i n g like a w o m a n . T h e cross-dressed b o g a n will p i c k a g o w n n o actual w o m a n w o u l d e v e r wear, d e e p e n its v o i c e , sit w i t h its legs w i d e a p a r t , b e l c h i n g a n d scratching its r e p r o d u c t i v e e q u i p m e n t regularly, a n d s t r o k i n g t h e c u l t i v a t e d s t u b b l e i t has g r o w n f o r a n u m b e r o f weeks in preparation for the coming androgyny gauntlet. Any m a k e u p u s e d i s s m e a r e d across t h e f a c e , r e s u l t i n g i n a k i n d o f impressionistic, d e m e n t e d clown mask, a selfconscious effort to p r o v e t o o t h e r b o g a n s t h a t t h e cross-dresser has a b s o l u t e l y n o e x p e r t i s e in its a p p l i c a t i o n , a n d is t h e r e f o r e n o t gay. B e i n g a b o g a n herself, o f t e n t h e f e m a l e b o g a n w i l l a c t u a l l y t h i n k t h a t t h e s i g h t o f Rusty's l e g hair s p r a y i n g g r o t e s q u e l y t h r o u g h his f i s h n e t s is an i n g e n i o u s a n d c r e a t i v e s u b v e r s i o n of his a c t u a l g e n d e r (male). W h i l e t h e f e m a l e b o g a n i s n o v i r t u o s o a t m a k e u p a p p l i c a t i o n herself, she t a k e s solace f r o m t h e f a c t t h a t t h e male's

c o s m e t i c s are m a r g i n a l l y m o r e g a u d y , o v e r w r o u g h t , a n d clumsily a p p l i e d t h a n her o w n . F e e l i n g a c o n f u s i n g m i x o f s y m p a t h y a n d m a t e r n a l i s m , t h e b o g a n f e m a l e resolves t o r e w a r d its c o m i c a l l y a n d r o g y n o u s p a r t n e r w i t h t h e c h a n c e t o d o her u p t h e arse a t t h e e n d o f t h e n i g h t . T h e h o m o e r o t i c s y m b o l i s m o f this idea p r o v e s t o b e far t o o m u c h f o r t h e s t i l e t t o - c l a d m a l e b o g a n , w h o was a l r e a d y o p e r a t i n g d a n g e r o u s l y close t o its i r o n y t h r e s h o l d . T h e s u d d e n l y f u r i o u s m a l e rips off its w i g , barks a t its missus, a n d s t o r m s b a c k t o its m a l e f r i e n d s t o p l o t s o m e p o o f t e r b a s h i n g . N e v e r a g a i n , u n t i l next time.

Cougars
Thanks partly to government hearth and safety initiatives (collectively
r e f e r r e d t o b y t h e b o g a n a s ' t h e n a n n y s t a t e ' ) , a n d d e s p i t e its best efforts, t h e male b o g a n is taking longer to die than ever b e f o r e . Even t h e m o s t x t r e m e l y s a f e t y - a v e r s e b o g a n has t o k e e p its j e t ski a w a y f r o m s w i m m i n g areas, has a i r b a g s in its C h e v r o l e t C o m m o d o r e , a n d will b e d e n i e d service a t bars w h e n i t looks like i t i s s m a s h e d e n o u g h t o glass o n e o f its b r e t h r e n . B u t w h i l e t h e n a n n y s t a t e i s a i d i n g t h e b o g a n t o survive f o r l o n g e r , i t has s o far failed to make meaningful progress in helping the male b o g a n m a t u r e m e n t a l l y a s i t a g e s . A s a result o f t h i s , t h e f e m a l e b o g a n realised t h a t i n o r d e r t o a t t r a c t a b o g a n a l p h a m a l e , she h a d t o l o o k a n d act like a 2 0 - y e a r - o l d t h r o u g h o u t h e r l i f e s p a n . S o , like an already haggard hatchling e m e r g i n g belatedly f r o m a discoloured e g g , t h e c o u g a r was b o r n . An A m e r i c a n TV s h o w called Cougar Town p r e m i e r e d on

C h a n n e l 7 in F e b r u a r y 2 0 1 0 , f e a t u r i n g a 4 5 - y e a r - o l d C o u r t n e y C o x w i t h a n 1 8 - y e a r - o l d s o n . C o x plays a d i v o r c e e w h o d e c i d e s t o

p u r s u e a series of y o u n g e r m e n . This was a l i g h t g l o b e m o m e n t for t h e b o g a n female, w h o had previously suspected that Demi M o o r e ' s a c c o m p l i s h m e n t was i m p o s s i b l e f o r t h e m t o i m i t a t e . T h e b o g a n c o u g a r set o u t t o o f f s e t H o l l y w o o d ' s financial a d v a n t a g e s by levering itself into m u f f i n - t o p - g e n e r a t i n g hipster jeans, a n d h e a d b u t t i n g its m a k e u p c u p b o a r d u n t i l t a k i n g o n a n u n s e t t l i n g shade of orange. N o w ready to go on the p r o w l , t h e cougar begins shamelessly h u n t i n g t h r o u g h local n i g h t s p o t s f o r any r e m a i n i n g shards o f w h a t i t r e m e m b e r s t o b e its g l o r i o u s y o u t h , i n t h e process d i s c a r d i n g w h a t r e m a i n s o f its d i g n i t y . A f t e r b e i n g i n f o r m e d o f t h e t e r m cougar, t h e b o g a n male's n e x t f e w h o u r s are e n t i r e l y o c c u p i e d b y l a u g h i n g a t h o w c o u g a r i s also t h e n a m e o f o n e o f its f a v o u r i t e m i x e d d r i n k s , a n d a m a x t r e m e t o o t h s o m e cat. A f t e r a f e w o f said d r i n k s , t h e e n t e r p r i s i n g b o g a n male's m i n d t u r n s t o h o w h e m i g h t b e a b l e t o b e d a c o u g a r . T h e b e a s t l y f e m a l e , n o t t h e b e a s t l y f e l i n e . B o g a n males a g e d b e t w e e n 1 6 a n d 2 6 h a v e c o n c l u d e d t h a t it's t o t a l l y h a r d c o r e t o h o o k u p w i t h vastly o l d e r w o m e n , c l a i m i n g ' t h e y k n o w w h a t t h e y w a n t ' , a n d u n d e r t h e a s s u m p t i o n t h a t t h e y all l o o k like C o u r t n e y C o x . They do not. Thus, when faced with a cougar in the flesh, the male s u d d e n l y r e c o n s i d e r s its initial e n t h u s i a s m . A s t h e c u m b e r s o m e q u a t r o g e n a r i a n l u m b e r s across t h e b a r t o p o u n c e , t h e b o g a n b e g i n s t o f r e t , c a s t i n g its eyes l e f t a n d r i g h t , l o o k i n g f o r e s c a p e , b u t its p a c k m a t e s are o n e i t h e r s i d e , e g g i n g i t o n , r e m i n d i n g i t t h a t i t was ' i n ' . T h e n e x t m o r n i n g i t w a k e s u p n e x t t o a p i l l o w s t a i n e d a q u e e r s h a d e o f o r a n g e w i t h d a r k b l u e p a t c h e s , slides o u t o f b e d and o u t t h e door. A n d never speaks of cougars again.

Sex addiction
The bogan likes having someone else to blame. This is the default
s t r a t e g y f o r m i t i g a t i n g its i n a b i l i t y t o m a n a g e its o w n behaviour. C e l e b r i t i e s also w o r k e d o u t s o m e t i m e a g o t h a t t h e y can b e excused f r o m blame in this manner. So in an a t t e m p t to more e f f e c t i v e l y a d o p t t h e m o r a l l y b a n k r u p t e t h o s o f Two and a Half Men, t h e b o g a n s e e k s t o b e d a s m a n y m a s s i v e c a n n e d b l o n d e s as p o s s i b l e . A m a x t r e m e sex life is t h e o n l y sex life a b o g a n c o u l d w a n t . A n d like C h a r l i e S h e e n himself, t h e b o g a n i s p l e a s e d t o b e a b l e t o b l a m e this sexual c o m p u l s i o n o n a c r e d i b l e s o u n d i n g q u a s i - m e d i c a l p h e n o m e n o n - sex a d d i c t i o n . W h i l e the b o g a n may not be sufficiently e q u i p p e d to p o n d e r the troubled epidemiology of addiction, the bogan knows that s e x a d d i c t i o n o f f e r s a c o n v e n i e n t j u s t i f i c a t i o n f o r its s e e d y p r o m i s c u i t y . A f t e r a l l , t h e n e x t ( i l ) l o g i c a l s t e p f r o m its l o v e f o r s p u r i o u s a l l e r g i e s i s t h e l o v e f o r s p u r i o u s a n d clinically d u b i o u s c o m p u l s i o n s . Sex a d d i c t i o n i s d e f i n i t e l y t h e b o g a n ' s f a v o u r i t e fake a d d i c t i o n . After all, it is t h e faux a d d i c t i o n du jour in t h e celebrity world. While the bogan may feign outrage at the prospect of an immensely b e d d a b l e , w o r l d - f a m o u s , thirty-something billionaire c e l e b r i t y c h e a t i n g o n t h e i r p a r t n e r , i t will p r o c e e d t o f o r g i v e t h e m a n d realise t h a t i t also suffers f r o m t h e s a m e c r i p p l i n g c o n d i t i o n . S o w h e n i t f i n d s itself r e p e a t e d l y s e l f - a d m i n i s t e r i n g t h e S t r a n g e r o n e Friday n i g h t , i t d o e s s o safe i n t h e k n o w l e d g e t h a t i t shares t h e s a m e a i l m e n t t h a t a l l o w e d T i g e r W o o d s t o c h e a t o n his w i f e . T h e endless a n d m y s t e r i o u s q u e s t f o r ' t a p p i n g t h a t ' is finally a m e d i c a l c o n d i t i o n , m u c h like l e p r o s y o r g o u t . A n d t h e b o g a n i s w e l l a n d truly afflicted.

Successful m a r k e t e r s are q u i c k t o m i l k t h e p o t e n t i a l o f a b o g a n / c e l e b r i t y crossover, a n d have p r e v i o u s l y s e e n g o o d r e t u r n s f r o m selling e l a b o r a t e ' c u r e s ' f o r t h e b o g a n ' s f i c t i o n a l c o n d i t i o n s . U p o n l e a r n i n g t h a t D a v i d D u c h o v n y ' s r a g i n g sex d r i v e was q u e l l e d b y a s e l f - h e l p b o o k , t h e b o g a n will h a p p i l y d r o p $ 4 9 . 9 9 f o r a c o p y o f Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, and wishes

i t t o o c o u l d sign u p f o r a $ 6 0 , 0 0 0 , s i x - w e e k t r e a t m e n t p r o g r a m s o m e w h e r e i n C a l i f o r n i a , s i m u l t a n e o u s l y b e i n g t i t i l l a t e d b y tales o f i n f i d e l i t y f e a t u r i n g H o l l y w o o d ' s h o t t e s t a n d h o r n i e s t . A l a s , this is b u t a d r e a m , and t h e b o g a n is destined to continue suffering u n d e r its c r i p p l i n g sex a d d i c t i o n . I t m u s t g o o n s h a r i n g its p a r l o u r of b o g a n i c p l e a s u r e w i t h as w i d e a r a n g e of sexual d e s p e r a d o s as i t can lure h o m e f r o m s u i t a b l e g l a s s i n g barns.

Underbelly
It had crime, it had violence, it had drug use, it was based on some
semblance of fact, it was on c o m m e r c i a l television, and it was a b s o l u t e l y l o a d e d t o t h e b r i m w i t h heavily s t y l i s e d , s e m i - e x p l i c i t sex s c e n e s a n d e x p o s e d b r e a s t s . I t w a s , i n s h o r t , t h e t e l e v i s u a l equivalent of bogan heaven. Underbelly, f o r t h e u n i n i t i a t e d , w a s C h a n n e l 9's a t t e m p t t o d r a m a t i s e t h e s t o r y o f M e l b o u r n e ' s ' c r i m e w a r ' d u r i n g t h e 1990s a n d 2000s. W i t h breasts. D u r i n g this war, several h e r e t o f o r e u n k n o w n criminals b e c a m e household names. To the b o g a n , 'household n a m e ' is entirely synonymous w i t h 'celebrity'. A n d the o n l y t h i n g b o g a n s love m o r e t h a n c e l e b r i t i e s i s c e l e b r i t i e s p l a y i n g celebrities. Even better, Underbelly w a s p a c k a g e d b y i t s c r e a t o r s a s

highbrow entertainment, and the banning of the program in V i c t o r i a l e n t i t t h e p e r f e c t level o f i l l e g i t i m a t e c r e d . A n d i t h a d loads o f b r e a s t s . Professionally a n d slickly f i l m e d , i t was f r e n e t i c e n o u g h to withstand the bogan's extraordinarily short concentration span, while simultaneously giving the impression of intellectual legitimacy. I t t h u s b e c a m e t h e b o g a n e q u i v a l e n t o f t h e A B C ' s Janus, Blue Murder or Phoenix. B o g a n s are u n a w a r e of t h o s e s h o w s . It was so successful, in f a c t , t h a t C h a n n e l 9 b e g a n i m m e d i a t e l y h u n t i n g d o w n o t h e r criminals i n o r d e r t o e x p o s e Australia's b o g a n s t o a s e c o n d series o f a c t o r s h o l d i n g g u n s a n d f o n d l i n g / l e e r i n g a t b r e a s t s . Thus, Underbelly 2: A Tale of Two Cities p u s h e d f u r t h e r

b a c k i n t o t h e s e v e n t i e s , w h e n t h e s t o r y was less i n t e r e s t i n g , t h e c r i m i n a l s less f a m o u s , a n d A u s t r a l i a n s h a d t o w a t c h M a t t h e w N e w t o n . A n d a pair o f d e l i g h t f u l N e w Z e a l a n d breasts. T h e n , t h e r e w a s season t h r e e : The G o / d e n Mile, in w h i c h C h a n n e l 9, h a v i n g run

o u t o f l e g i t i m a t e serious criminals t o f o c u s o n , a d d e d breasts t o a rehash o f Blue M u r d e r f r o m 1 9 9 5 . T h e n , in May 2010, Channel 9 a n n o u n c e d plans to p r o d u c e t h e f o u r t h series of Underbelly IN 3 D ! This season is a l r e a d y b e i n g f i l m e d , w h i l e season f i v e has also b e e n c o n f i r m e d . C h a n n e l 9 has also g r e e n - l i g h t e d t h r e e t e l e m o v i e s b a s e d o n similar e v e n t s . T h e b o g a n c a n n o t g e t e n o u g h o f criminals. O r breasts. This has, in t u r n , e x p o s e d a nascent u r g e in t h e n o u v e a u b o g a n : t h e irrepressible desire t o associate t h e m s e l v e s w i t h said u n d e r w o r l d figures. The b o g a n will, u p o n an (Jnderbe//y-related conversation b e g i n n i n g , immediately and enthusiastically offer an anecdote a b o u t how, w h e n they were e m p l o y e d at a cafe, they w o r k e d with a g u y w h o o n c e s e r v e d a c o f f e e t o t h e t a b l e t h a t M i c k G a t t o was s i t t i n g at. A n d t h a t h e s e e m s like ' a t o p g u y ' . Breasts.

The Corbys
In 2004, Schapelle Corby was a blue-eyed, moderately attractive
G o l d C o a s t TAFE s t u d e n t . A 2 0 - s o m e t h i n g g i r l w i t h a r e m i x e d n a m e , d o d g y f a m i l y a n d a t e n d e n c y t o g o t o Bali f o r h o l i d a y s . A n e x e m p l a r y n e w b o g a n . T h i n g s w e n t b a d l y w r o n g f o r her w h e n she w a s c o n v i c t e d b y I n d o n e s i a n a u t h o r i t i e s o f s m u g g l i n g 4 . 2 k i l o g r a m s o f c a n n a b i s i n t o Bali. B o g a n s b a c k i n A u s t r a l i a w e r e outraged, and Today Tonight/A Current Affair realised t h a t a m a j o r

m e a l t i c k e t h a d a r r i v e d . T h e o t h e r t h i n g t h a t a r r i v e d was a w h i t e M e r c e d e s w i t h a n o v e r s i z e d f r o n t grill a n d a h i g h - p i t c h e d s c r e e c h e m a n a t i n g f r o m its t h r o a t . T h e b o g a n i s a f i e r c e l y t r i b a l c r e a t u r e , n e a t l y t u c k i n g its selective disregard for truth into t h e p s e u d o - n o b l e Australiana

s l o g a n o f ' s t a n d i n g b y y o u r m a t e s ' . This e g o c e n t r i c 'us v e r s u s t h e m ' m e n t a l i t y p e r m i t s t h e b o g a n t o v i o l a t e t h e laws o f o t h e r jurisdictions whenever and however it wants, declaring foreign c o u n t r i e s ' u n - A u s t r a l i a n ' w h e n e v e r p r o b l e m s occur. At these times, the Australian government is supposed to spring into d i p l o m a t i c overdrive t o extricate t h e sullen b o g a n f r o m t h e c o n s e q u e n c e s o f its w i l f u l l y i g n o r a n t a l l e g e d a c t i o n s . An opportunistic celebrity lawyer will w o r k pro b o n o to coach t h e b o g a n o n c r y i n g , t e m p o r a r i l y c o n v e r t i n g t o Islam, o r o t h e r m e t h o d s with a chance of perverting t h e course of justice. The f o r t u n a t e b o g a n eventually c o m e s h o m e to a hero's w e l c o m e a n d a lucrative ' t e l l a l l ' ACA i n t e r v i e w , h a v i n g n o t l e a r n e d a single t h i n g (aside f r o m t h e crying). A l l o f t h i s o v e r r i d e s t h e s i m p l e f a c t t h a t i n all l i k e l i h o o d t h e b o g a n i n q u e s t i o n t r a v e l l e d t o a f o r e i g n c o u n t r y w i t h d r a c o n i a n a n t i - d r u g laws w h i l e i m p o r t i n g o r t a k i n g illicit d r u g s . The b o g a n regularly gains self-esteem f r o m loudly declaring a stance on topics t h a t it knows little about, and t h e idea of a healthy bogan female of reproductive age being imprisoned o n a d r u g - r e l a t e d c h a r g e i n a n Islamic c o u n t r y r e p r e s e n t e d t h e c o n v e r g e n c e o f a n u m b e r o f its f e a r s . I t d e m a n d e d t h a t t h e Australian g o v e r n m e n t ' d o s o m e t h i n g ' t o bring Schapelle h o m e . T h e f a c t t h a t h e r f a t h e r a n d t w o o f her h a l f - b r o t h e r s all h a d p r i o r d r u g c o n v i c t i o n s was d e e m e d b y t h e b o g a n t o b e u n r e l a t e d to Schapelle's certain i n n o c e n c e , a l o n g w i t h piles of o t h e r i n c r i m i n a t i n g e v i d e n c e . I t j u s t k n e w . M e a n w h i l e , Schapelle's sister M e r c e d e s used her n e w f a m e t o p o p u p a n d net $ 5 0 , 0 0 0 f o r s t r i p p i n g d o w n f o r b o g a n b i b l e Ralph m a g a z i n e , a i r b r u s h e d a n d spray t a n n e d t o w i t h i n a n inch o f her life. This a l l o w e d t h e b o g a n

readers to remark that 'I'd take that Mercedes for a spin', to t h e l a u g h t e r o f t h e i r similarly b r a i n - d e a d m a t e s . W h i l e t h e r e are t h o u s a n d s o f p e o p l e i m p r i s o n e d o n d r u g smuggling charges around t h e w o r l d , and hundreds of medical a n d social p r o b l e m s t h a t c o s t t h e lives o f A u s t r a l i a n s e v e r y year, t h e b o g a n sees n o i n c o n s i s t e n c y i n i g n o r i n g t h e m a l l , save f o r S c h a p e l l e . It p r o u d l y p a r t i c i p a t e s in n e w s p a p e r a n d t e l e v i s i o n polls t o ' c o n f i r m ' Schapelle's i n n o c e n c e , v e h e m e n t l y m a i n t a i n i n g t o this d a y t h a t a g r e a t injustice has b e e n d o n e .

Joining moronic Facebook groups

The bogan likes to belong. It also craves a sense of order and purpose.
T h e e m e r g e n c e of social n e t w o r k i n g spaces such as F a c e b o o k have g i v e n t h e b o g a n t h e m e a n s t o i n d u l g e this h i g h e r o r d e r n e e d t o a s p e c t a c u l a r d e g r e e . I t can n o w p r o u d l y p l e d g e its a l l e g i a n c e t o a d i z z y i n g array of asinine interests, as l o n g as it is w o r d e d in b a d g r a m m a r a n d has a t least t w o m i s p l a c e d a p o s t r o p h e s . I n e x o r a b l y , t h e b o g a n will g r a v i t a t e t o w a r d s g r o u p s t h a t have in excess of 1 0 , 0 0 0 m e m b e r s , a reassuring s i g n t h a t t h e m a j o r i t y is o n b o a r d its Titanic o f d r e a m s . T h e f l o t s a m r a n g e s a n y w h e r e f r o m uninformed let Sudanese social/political refugees causes we (Save Schapelle Corby/Don't

in/In Australia

eat meat,

drink beer and

speak FUCKIN ENGLISH), to h a r e b r a i n e d

irony (/ have joined way

too many groups since the layout has changed), to s t a t i o n e r y (/ love bubble wrap) or to a s i m p l e e x p r e s s i o n of t h e will to live (/ do not want to be eaten by sharks/I love not being on fire). T h e r e is also t h e n o n - p o l i t i c a l cause, such as / will name my son <insert stupid comic book name> if this group reaches 10,000.

Even m o r e , t h e b o g a n will j o i n g r o u p s t h a t s i m p l y state

s o m e t h i n g utterly banal, b u t allows t h e b o g a n to feel b e t t e r that t h e y are n o t t h e o n l y o n e w h o a p p r e c i a t e s t h e c o o l t o u c h o f a n u n u s e d p i l l o w case on h o t s u m m e r skin. H e r e is a b r i e f list (please assume t h a t t h e b u l k o f t h e s e are f o l l o w e d b y [sic]): / hate in to stupid your get NO people. towel after a shower because you're too

Sitting lazy

dressed. PLAY. . . ruined my lunchtime! when being tailgated.

NO HAT, Deliberately Hot

driving

slower

showers. paper and balls smell in the of rain. it works. bin.

Throwing The

sound

Scribbling

the

pen

until

/ u s e my cell phone to see in the dark. Going I I hate LOVE the to the footy. number calls.

private THE

WEEKEND. in
1

Using I A

laptop

bed.

need a warm, TEXTING!

vacation .!! cosy bed.

Sleeping / flip Not

with

one

leg

out

of the

covers.

my pillow over to get to t h e cold side. being in on the up. I wake when up and realise you're home my dream alone. wasn't real. fire. fridge, then the cupboard, then the fridge,

Looking then

giving

hate when music

Blasting Drunk

texting.

T h e b o g a n w i l l t h e n use t h i s s p a c e t o p o s t o n e c o m m e n t , generally in fervent a g r e e m e n t with t h e page's thrust, t h e n proceed t o c o m p l e t e l y f o r g e t t h a t t h e y ever s i g n e d u p . This leads t o a new, surefire b o g a n - i d e n t i f i c a t i o n m e t h o d , t h a n k s t o t h e g o o d f o l k a t F a c e b o o k a n d t h e i r n e w O r w e l l i a n ' p r i v a c y ' s e t t i n g s . S i m p l y click o n the profile of a suspected b o g a n . Check for the number of groups t h e p e r s o n is a m e m b e r of, or p a g e s t h e y are a ' f a n ' of. T h e r e is, o f c o u r s e , a clear c o r r e l a t i o n b e t w e e n t h e n u m b e r o f p a g e s l i s t e d , t h e i r inanity, a n d t h e i n d i v i d u a l ' s level o f w e b - s a v v y b o g a n i n i t y . Eventually, t h e b o g a n b e c o m e s a m e m b e r of a critical mass of pointless g r o u p s t h a t allow t h e discerning observer to accurately d e f i n e t h e p a r t i c u l a r t y p e o f f u c k w i t t h e y are d e a l i n g w i t h . T h u s , an i n d i v i d u a l t h a t is a p a r t of t h e / responded to your text in two seconds, stop taking two hours to answer g r o u p s h o u l d be a v o i d e d j u s t like t h a t p e s k y b a c k p a c k e r h a w k i n g d o l p h i n safety. Like a d i r t y fingerprint, the b o g a n swipes an a t t e m p t at uniqueness, only to signal to t h e w o r l d w h i c h types of ignorance and stupidity it cherishes t h e m o s t . A n o t h e r option is joining the Facebook group for a blog about Things Bogans Like, p r o c e e d i n g t o i g n o r e t h e b l o g t h a t t h e F a c e b o o k p a g e was created t o p r o m o t e , t h e n p o s t i n g inane c o m m e n t s o n t h e F a c e b o o k p a g e t h a t f u n d a m e n t a l l y revolve a r o u n d t h e f a c t t h a t b o g a n s are, i n t h e i r e s t i m a t i o n , p o o r p e o p l e . H o w e v e r , its h i g h l y l i m i t e d a t t e n t i o n s p a n w i l l e n s u r e t h e t r a n s i e n c e o f t h e b o g a n ' s a f f i l i a t i o n s . O n e m i n u t e i t j o i n s / like playing FarmVille, a n d j u s t as it p o n d e r s s i g n i n g up to Hot showers are awesome, it has d e c i d e d t h a t it n o w b e l o n g s to / don't like playing FarmVille - all in t h e s p a c e of 15 m i n u t e s . It w i l l t h e n g e t b o r e d w i t h j o i n i n g g r o u p s , a n d r e s u m e its g a m e o f FarmVille.

Glassing c***s
Bogans, in their search for dominance over others, will always seek
out the w e a p o n of maxtreme violence. However, the impulsive nature of the violence, w h e n filtered t h r o u g h the constraints of their congenitally limited concentration span, dictates that the w e a p o n m u s t b e s o u r c e d w i t h i n arm's r e a c h . A l s o , w h i l e m a n y m a l e b o g a n s b e l i e v e t h e y have a close p e r s o n a l c o n n e c t i o n to Australia's ( n o w c e l e b r a t e d ) u n d e r w o r l d , t h e y lack access t o a n y t h i n g b e y o n d a k i t c h e n k n i f e . T h u s , t h e s h a t t e r e d b e e r glass was e l e v a t e d a b o v e t h e p o o l cue - t h e t o o l o f t h e early b o g a n - t o t h e n o u v e a u b o g a n ' s w e a p o n of choice. A n d t h e b o g a n w o n ' t glass just a n y o n e . I n o r d e r t o justify, i n its s t r a n g e l y t w i s t e d m o r a l c o m p a s s , t h e c o m m i s s i o n o f x t r e m e v i o l e n c e , t h e v i c t i m m u s t b e . . . a c***. This a p p e a l s t o t h e bogarr's r e p t i l i a n d e s i r e t o t a k e t h i n g s t o t h e x t r e m e , physically, sartorially, linguistically. T h e b o g a n has r u n o u t o f s w e a r w o r d s . This i s o d d , b e c a u s e t h e b o g a n , w h i l e a late a d o p t e r in a l m o s t all t h i n g s , is n o t h i n g short of a market leader w h e n it comes to expletives. O n c e u p o n a t i m e , t h e b o g a n c o u l d toss a r o u n d ' d i c k h e a d s ' and 'wankers' with gay a b a n d o n , yet remain on t h e profane cusp o f s w e a r i n g t r e n d s . B u t t o d a y , d e s p i t e b e i n g a m e m b e r o f several Facebook groups advocating p r o u d nationalism and decrying the cultural c r e e p o f t h e U S via TV, t h e b o g a n e m b r a c e s w h i c h e v e r f o u l w o r d is u t t e r e d by Carl W i l l i a m s in Underbelly. Lacking the creativity of other f o u l - m o u t h e d subcultures to i n v e n t curses, t h e y s i m p l y a d o p t w h i c h e v e r curse w o r d f i n d s itself o n t h e t u b e . For e x a m p i e , a s s o o n a s B r u c e W i l l i s q u o t e d o l d W e s t e r n s t o s o m e G e r m a n m o t h e r f u c k e r i n Die Hard, t h e b o g a n h a d an e n t i r e l y n e w w e a p o n in its arsenal.

S o o n e n o u g h , m o t h e r f u c k e r w a s passe. P r e t t y m u c h all s w e a r w o r d s b e c a m e banal, losing their threatening, offending impact. T h e r e w a s o n l y o n e left. T h u s , i n s h o r t o r d e r , a n d p r o m p t e d b y its brief appearance in t w o films a b o u t criminals, t h e b o g a n had no choice b u t to start labelling everyone w h o it disliked/disagreed w i t h ' c * * * ' (or a f a g / h o m o / p o o f ) . A n d t h e n t o glass t h e c***. T h e o n l y real o p t i o n t h e b o g a n has t o d a y w h e n s p e w i n g b i l e a t its i n t e n d e d v i c t i m i s t o b l u d g e o n t h e m w i t h sheer v o l u m e a n d w e i g h t o f v i t r i o l . ' W h a t t h e fuck's y o u r f u c k e n p r o b l e m , y o u f u c k e n c***?' screams t h e e n r a g e d , i n e b r i a t e d b o g a n , simultaneously s h a t t e r i n g his h a l f - e m p t y s c h o o n e r a n d b r a n d i s h i n g i t u n s t e a d i l y i n t h e f a c e o f s o m e g u y w h o c a m e p e r i l o u s l y close t o b u m p i n g i n t o h i m o n his w a y t o e m p t y his b l a d d e r . 'You g o t a f u c k e n p r o b l e m ? You c * * * ? '

Mobs
The bogan is never wrong about anything. In instances where there
are n e g a t i v e c o n s e q u e n c e s , a s c a p e g o a t m u s t b e f o u n d . T h e b o g a n w i l l always seek t o b l a m e a n o u t s i d e f a c t o r , such a s i n t e l l e c t u a l s , t h e government, the police, or A D H D . But what about the moral d i l e m m a w h e n t h e b o g a n wishes to initiate negative behaviour f r o m s c r a t c h , a n d t h e r e ' s n o t h i n g else t o b l a m e ? F o r t u n a t e l y f o r t h e b o g a n , its lack o f o r i g i n a l t h o u g h t m e a n s t h a t t h e r e are usually o t h e r b o g a n s w h o f e e l t h e s a m e w a y a s i t d o e s . S o w h e n it's t i m e t o cause t r o u b l e , t h e b o g a n will n o t hesitate t o s h o e h o r n t h e A u s t r a l i a n cliche o f ' s t a n d i n g b y y o u r m a t e s ' i n t o t h e idea o f 'let's f o r m a n a n g r y b o g a n m o b a n d cause m a x t r e m e c r i m i n a l d a m a g e ' . O n c e t h e b o g a n i n t e g r a t e s itself i n t o a n a n g r y m o b , its i n h i b i t i o n s m e l t a w a y like p o l a r ice c a p s . L i b e r a t e d f r o m

its o b l i g a t i o n t o t h i n k , i t d u l y c h a r g e s a r o u n d t h e p l a c e like a d e m e n t e d b r o n c o , revelling in t h e collective unconsciousness. It is n o w f r e e t o steal any i t e m s t h a t i t m a y w a n t , a n d d e s t r o y i t e m s t h a t d o n ' t w a r r a n t s t e a l i n g . T h e b o g a n a t this p o i n t will f e e l a d e e p a n d p e r s o n a l sense o f affiliation w i t h t h e Eureka F l a g , w h i c h i t k n o w s i s a s s o c i a t e d w i t h b o g a n a n c e s t o r s ' n o t t a k i n ' shit f r o m n o o n e ' , b u t little d e t a i l b e y o n d t h a t . A prime example of b o g a n m o b behaviour occurred in suburban M e l b o u r n e in March 2010. After learning that the 'Easternats' b u r n o u t festival a t C a l d e r Park h a d b e e n c a n c e l l e d d u e t o a commercial disagreement between organisers, the bogans d e c i d e d that a franchised store of o n e of t h e sponsors (and over 3 0 k i l o m e t r e s f r o m t h e E a s t e r n a t s site) was t h e l o g i c a l p l a c e t o p r o t e s t . It was initially p e a c e f u l , b u t a critical mass of d i s c o n t e n t e d b o g a n s was s o o n a s s e m b l e d i n o n e p l a c e . This r e s u l t e d i n w i n d o w s b e i n g s m a s h e d i n w i t h s t e e l p o l e s , fully sick rims b e i n g l o o t e d f r o m t h e s t o r e , a n d t h e store's u t e g e t t i n g o v e r t u r n e d b y a s u r p r i s i n g l y collaborative b o g a n effort. A n e w s p a p e r p h o t o g r a p h e r was at t h e scene, a n d s o m e b o g a n s t o o k i t u p o n t h e m s e l v e s t o kick t h e shit o u t o f him for daring to photograph t h e m . The photographer noted t h a t p o l i c e w a l k e d p a s t w i t h o u t h e l p i n g h i m u p , a s d i d a Highway Patrol r e a l i t y T V c a m e r a c r e w w h o w e r e d e l i r i o u s l y e x c i t e d t o b e f i l m i n g a b o g a n m o b o f t h i s size f o r f u t u r e b r o a d c a s t t o other bogans. W h i l e Ballarat's 1 8 5 4 g o l d m i n e r s w e r e p r o t e s t i n g i n m o b f o r m for t h e right to vote, t h e right to purchase land, and for taxation r e f o r m , t h e 2 0 1 0 b o g a n was p r o t e s t i n g i n m o b f o r m f o r t h e r i g h t t o h a v e s o m e o n e else p a y t o o r g a n i s e a p l a c e f o r i t t o d o sick

b u r n o u t s a n d h o t laps t o c o i n c i d e w i t h a Christian religious holiday. T h e y t r u l y are k i t h , i f n o t kin.

Pre-mixed drinks
The bogan's love for shortcuts has been covered in reasonable
sufficiency. W h a t has n o t b e e n t a l k e d a b o u t , h o w e v e r , is its c u r i o u s love for o v e r p r i c e d saccharine p o i s o n , k n o w n as t h e a l c o p o p . Notwithstanding the painfully unimaginative portmanteau,

p r o d u c e r s a n d m a r k e t e e r s o f t h i s piss have p r o f i t e d i m m e n s e l y f r o m the bogan's love of convenience and fully i n t e g r a t e d b r a n d i n g . T h e v e r y w o r d s ' R e a d y - t o - d r i n k (RTD)' m a k e its h e a r t p a l p i t a t e furiously, like a h i p s t e r a b o u t to w a t c h a c a r d i g a n - c l a d Z o o e y D e s c h a n e l p e r f o r m a d u e t w i t h T o m W a i t s in f r o n t of a small organic farmers' market. K n o w i n g t h e b o g a n ' s helpless m a l l e a b i l i t y i n t h e face o f televisual s t i m u l i , i t c o m e s a s n o surprise t h a t p r e m i x e d d r i n k s are o n e o f t h e m o s t heavily a d v e r t i s e d alcoholic p r o d u c t s i n t h e country. C o m b i n i n g a v e r t i g o - i n d u c i n g array o f c r o s s - p r o m o t i o n a l a d v e r t i s i n g b e t w e e n v a r i o u s p a r a g o n s o f b o g a n i c a c t i v i t y a t sick c l u b s , t h e p r e m i x e d d r i n k is literally t h e a l c o h o l i c e q u i v a l e n t of a Lynx c a n . A l l e g e d l y p r e m i u m S w e d i s h v o d k a b r a n d A b s o l u t has, i n t r u e bogan-baiting f o r m , taken their communication strategy to the m a x t r e m e . In a d i s p l a y of a b s o l u t g e n i u s , in 2 0 0 5 t h e y i n t r o d u c e d a slender, t r a n s l u c e n t b o t t l e of A b s o l u t v o d k a a n d a citrus mixer, a n d b r a n d e d i t ' C u t ' . They e m p l o y e d t h e services o f M a x x i u m A u s t r a l i a t o d i s t r i b u t e t h e i r swill a n d h a d t h e lovely f o l k a t N a k e d C o m m u n i c a t i o n s h a n d l e t h e i r a d v e r t i s i n g . This c o n v e r g e n c e o f m a x i m u m n u d i t y r o c k e d t h e b o g a n ' s t e c t o n i c p l a t e s , causing a n e r u p t i o n of b o g a n dollars of Eyjafjallajokull-ian p r o p o r t i o n s . It

could n o w be seen drinking A b s o l u t C u t Lemon in C u t - b r a n d e d bars, wearing the free p r o m o t i o n a l Cut r u b b e r wristband and t a l k i n g a b o u t h o w i t w o u l d like t o c u t u p t h e c*** t h a t r u b b e d u p a g a i n s t its missus. Such is t h e b o g a n ' s love f o r t h e RTD t h a t n o t e v e n t h e a p p l i c a t i o n o f a 7 0 % t a x s e r v e d t o m e a n i n g f u l l y i m p e d e its p r e d i l e c t i o n f o r r i p p i n g b u l k piss i n this f o r m . I g n o r i n g t h e f a c t t h a t a 3 3 0 m l b o t t l e of w a t e r m e l o n f l a v o u r e d Bacardi Breezer n o w costs a b o u t t h e s a m e a s 3 3 0 m l o f s t r a i g h t Bacardi r u m , i t will g r a v i t a t e t o w a r d s t h e p r e t t y r e d c o l o u r e d b o t t l e like t i n e a t o u n w a s h e d f e e t . T h e b o g a n i s always r e a d y t o d r i n k , a n d i t likes its l i q u o r a n d s u g a r w a t e r t o b e t h e e x a c t s a m e way. W h i l e t h e b o g a n ' s b e h a v i o u r m a y s e e m erratic a n d p u r p o s e l e s s , rest assured t h a t i t i s n o t . A w a r e o f t h e h o r r o r o f a n e v e n i n g w i t h o u t p r e m i x e s a n d r e m i x e s , t h e b o g a n will n o t stray far f r o m v e n u e s t h a t provide heady amounts of b o t h of these things. The introduction o f p r e m i x e d c o c k t a i l s was t h e n e x t l o g i c a l s t e p t o w a r d s c a p t u r i n g a larger share o f t h e b o g a n ' s n o c t u r n a l leisure dollar. N o w , y o u n g f e m m e - b o g u e s can m a k e g u t - w r e n c h i n g j o k e s a b o u t s u c k i n g o f f c o w b o y s a n d i n n o v a t i v e q u i p s a b o u t h a v i n g sex o n a b e a c h w h i l e brandishing a slippery nipple.

Buddhist iconography as home furnishings

No longer is the bogan confined to decorating its home with HSV
wall clocks a n d novelty s t u b b y holders f e a t u r i n g grammatically reprehensible, jingoistic humour about beer guts, ageing or a l l e g e d s e x u a l p r o w e s s . T h e 2 1 s t c e n t u r y has s e e n t h e b o g a n h o m e politicised by the upwardly mobile sentiments of the female b o g a n , w h o is n o w pursuing new goals in t h e b e d r o o m , kitchen, bathroom and dining room. Unfortunately for the male b o g a n , t h e s e goals d o n o t p r o v i d e o p p o r t u n i t i e s t o v a l i d a t e t h e assertions p r i n t e d o n its carefully s e l e c t e d s t u b b y h o l d e r s . T h e y are t h e n e w g o a l s o f t h e s u b u r b a n a s p i r a t i o n a l class s o elegantly s e g m e n t e d as Howard's battlers, and what better way to announce one's entry into the k n o w l e d g e e c o n o m y than by purchasing a B u d d h i s m - t h e m e d figurine, statue or water feature f r o m the garden section of Kmart. The female b o g a n is then able t o e x p e r i e n c e a n i n c r e a s e d sense o f affiliation w i t h t h o u s a n d s o f years o f l e a r n i n g , sacrifice a n d s u f f e r i n g , c o n v e n i e n t l y d i s t i l l e d i n t o a d o m e s t i c d e c o r a t i o n t h a t will g o w e l l w i t h t h e n e w cushions i n t h e Grand Sitting Area. Fortunately for the household, the female does n o t e x p e c t t h e rest o f t h e f a m i l y t o u n d e r s t a n d t h e p h i l o s o p h y b e h i n d t h e i c o n o g r a p h y , l a r g e l y b e c a u s e she d o e s n ' t either. M u c h like t h e d e s t r u c t i o n o f p o l a r b e a r h a b i t a t b e i n g w r o u g h t by the seemingly unstoppable march of global w a r m i n g , the f e m a l e b o g a n ' s b o l d n e w f o r a y i n t o e x o t i c s y m b o l i s m has f o r c e d the traditional male to retreat to the rumpus r o o m . There, it is c o n s t r u c t i n g a final b a t t l e line near t h e entrance to t h e r o o m , c o m p r i s e d p r i m a r i l y o f t h e s t u b b y h o l d e r s , a n d a scale m o d e l o f a B a t h u r s t - w i n n i n g H o l d e n d r i v e n b y t h e l a t e , g r e a t P e t e r Brock. T o

f u r t h e r ensure its ' m a n c l a v e ' i s n o t e n c r o a c h e d u p o n b y t h e f e m a l e , it will d e c o r a t e t h e walls w i t h posters of bikini-clad centrefolds f r o m Z o o Weekly, s t o c k t h e b a r f r i d g e w i t h a fresh slab of Slates a n d p u r c h a s e a h o m e g y m t h a t i t w i l l n o t use.

Pandora bracelets
In Greek mythology. Pandora was the first woman, whom each god
helped create by giving a unique gift. Unaware of this, millennia later, t h e f e m a l e b o g a n strives t o m a t c h her u n i q u e n e s s , c o n s t a n t l y o n t h e h u n t f o r n e w ways t o express her i n d i v i d u a l i t y , t h o u g h o f c o u r s e she c o u l d n e v e r d o a n y t h i n g t h a t w o u l d m a k e h e r s t a n d o u t too much from the crowd . . . E n t e r P a n d o r a . L a u n c h e d i n D e n m a r k i n 1 9 8 2 b y s o m e clever. Danish guy, t h e P a n d o r a b r a n d o f j e w e l l e r y a p p e a l s t o t h e f e m a l e b o g a n ' s l o v e o f shiny t h i n g s , a d d i c t i v e c o n s u m p t i o n h a b i t s a n d o n g o i n g q u e s t f o r h o m o g e n o u s distinctiveness. For t h e u n i n i t i a t e d , Pandora sells relatively s i m p l e , a f f o r d a b l e b r a c e l e t s w h i c h are f i t t e d w i t h ' c h a r m s ' , l i t t l e h o o p y t h i n g s c o m i n g i n v a r i o u s s h a p e s , sizes and materials. The Pandora bracelet is perfect for t h e m o d e r n female b o g a n . T h e g o l d b r a c e l e t ($1700) is t o o e x p e n s i v e , so a silver o n e ($90) i s s e l e c t e d . E v e r y o n e has o n e , b u t t h e y ' r e all ' t o t a l l y u n i q u e ' a n d r e p r e s e n t a t i v e o f t h e b o g a n ' s d e e p e s t i n n e r desires. Like g e t t i n g another lamewad charm. A non-bogan understands subtlety and restraint, b u t t h e f e m a l e b o g a n will always take things to t h e x t r e m e . She purchases c h a r m a f t e r c h a r m f o r her b r a c e l e t , a d d i n g a n e w o n e any t i m e her c r e d i t c a r d is a c c e p t e d . A silver h e a r t to s h o w h e r p a s s i o n , star sign b e c a u s e of her love of h o r o s c o p e s , a f l o w e r , a lucky h o r s e s h o e , a little f r o g g y , a crucifix,

a B u d d h a , an o w l , a l e t t e r M f o r Mylyssa, an a n g e l , a b a b y p r a m , a t e d d y , a special g o l d h e a r t , a h i g h - h e e l e d s h o e , a ' b e s t f r i e n d s ' , a n o t h e r f l o w e r , a n o t h e r f l o w e r , a n o t h e r f l o w e r , a swirly t h i n g , a puzzle p i e c e , a p e a c e s i g n , a car, a n d a r o u n d t h i n g w i t h a d a n g l y b a l l . T h e f e m m e - b o g u e ' s q u e s t i s a i d e d b y her f r i e n d s , f a m i l y a n d o t h e r half, w i t h P a n d o r a c h a r m s a c o n v e n i e n t , a f f o r d a b l e ($30+) a n d relatively t h o u g h t l e s s g i f t f o r her b i r t h d a y o r anniversary. A y e a r later, t h e f e m a l e b o g a n pauses t o v i e w t h e p u r c h a s e d D N A t h a t i s n o l o n g e r i n f a s h i o n , blissfully o b l i v i o u s t o t h e f a c t t h a t t h e tacky p i e c e o f j e w e l l e r y d a n g l i n g f r o m her wrist cost a p p r o x i m a t e l y $ 1 9 0 0 t o a s s e m b l e . B u t every b o g a n agrees t h a t this i s a small p r i c e t o p a y f o r b e i n g x t r e m e l y u n i q u e a n d g l a m o r o u s .

Vampires
Ifs Angel's fault, really. The success of Buffy the Vampire Slayer in
t h e 1990s naturally a n d i n e x o r a b l y led t o t h a t m o s t b o g a n o f T V a b o m i n a t i o n s , t h e spin-off. B o g a n s like n o t h i n g m o r e t h a n c o p i e s o f T V s h o w s t h e y a l r e a d y like, s o c r e a t i n g a s h o w f e a t u r i n g t h e character of greatest b o g a n appeal means a w h o l e new show w i t h o u t h a v i n g t o w r i t e n e w c h a r a c t e r s o r s c r i p t s . W h i l e A n g e l was u n d e n i a b l y a m o r e b o r i n g c h a r a c t e r t h a n e v e r y o n e else on Buffy, t h e evil g e n i u s e s i n T V land k n e w t h a t w i t h his v a m p i r e - w i t h - a - s o u l shtick, they had struck b o g a n g o l d . T h e f e m a l e b o g a n was u n a b l e t o resist. She desires n o t h i n g s o m u c h a s x t r e m e r o m a n c e . W h i l e she o f t e n tells her d i s a p p r o v i n g friends t h a t d e s p i t e the tribal tatts and glass-induced facial s c a r r i n g , her m a n is 'a real s w e e t i e u n d e r n e a t h ' , t h e v a m p i r e is a r e p r e s e n t a t i o n o f t h e fantasy t h a t her m u s c l e - b o u n d n e o l i t h c a n n o t live u p t o . W h i l e t h e d a n g e r s o f r e g u l a r b o g a n r o m a n c e m a y b e

l i m i t e d t o d o m e s t i c v i o l e n c e a n d STDs, v a m p i r e r o m a n c e i s l i n k e d to transmogrification, shimmering and abstinence. Like Richard W i l k i n s , t h e m o d e r n v a m p i r e i s a n e m p t y s h e l l , a vessel i n t o w h i c h t h e f e m a l e b o g a n c a n p o u r h e r f r u s t r a t e d sense o f r o m a n c e a n d d a n g e r . D e s p i t e t h e f a c t t h a t t h e v a m p i r e m o s t likely w a n t s t o kill a n d d i s f i g u r e her, she has d e c i d e d t h a t , thanks to A n g e l , the vampire is merely misunderstood. Having t h e r e q u i s i t e level o f d a n g e r (possibly h o m i c i d a l ) c o u p l e d w i t h b e i n g relatively safe (he is a f i c t i o n a l c h a r a c t e r ) , t h e f e m m e - b o g u e can sit back in b e d at night and dream of Edward Cullen not-quite r a v i s h i n g her. A f t e r s e e i n g Twilight - on Richard W i l k i n s ' r e c o m m e n d a t i o n t h e b o g a n d e c i d e s t o read all o f t h e b o o k s . These b o o k s f e a t u r e t w o key c h a r a c t e r s : a f e m a l e c h a r a c t e r w i t h a b s o l u t e l y no p e r s o n a l i t y b e y o n d w h i n i n g a b o u t h o w a w f u l her life is, a n d a v a m p i r e w h o i s b e a u t i f u l , k i n d , listens t o t h e w h i n i n g a n d g l o w s i n t h e d a r k . . . o r s o m e t h i n g . A n d refuses t o r o o t her. Despite the female bogan's embrace of hyper-sexualising h e r s e l f a n d h e r c h i l d r e n , she f i n d s i r r e s i s t i b l y a r o u s i n g a b o o k written by an abstinence-promoting M o r m o n a b o u t a 600-year-old t e e n a g e d v a m p i r e n o t w a n t i n g t o ' b i t e ' his n u b i l e b e l l e . I n f a c t , t h e f e m m e - b o g u e becomes so e n g o r g e d by the notion of abstinence t h a t she i s likely t o p r o c e e d p o s t - h a s t e t o t h e local g l a s s i n g b a r n to gyrate wildly against anyone not smelling strongly of garlic. This d e m o n s t r a t e s t h e d i z z y i n g p o w e r t h a t sexual i n n u e n d o a n d m e t a p h o r have o v e r t h e b o g a n ' s c o p u l a t o r y g l a n d s . Unfortunately, the bogan's inability to actually understand m e t a p h o r r e s u l t e d i n True Blood. Take v a m p i r e s , g i v e t h e m a c o n s c i e n c e , a n d h a v e t h e m e n g a g e i n x t r e m e sex s c e n e s w i t h

A n n a P a q u i n . T h e b o g a n , a f t e r all, d o e s n ' t u n d e r s t a n d a b s t i n e n c e either. O f any k i n d .

Ill-informed analysis of the Qur'an

The bogan holds a variety of convictions, which, while internally
inconsistent, are rarely o p e n t o n e g o t i a t i o n . These o p i n i o n s are based largely on t h e i n c o m p r e h e n s i b l e and c o n t r a d i c t o r y w h i s p e r i n g s o f t h e t r a s h m e d i a K r a k e n . Because t h e b o g a n i s j u s t a s o g g y r o d e n t i n t h e w a t e r s o f p o l i t i c a l d i s c o u r s e , i t will c l i n g t o t h e s e c o n v i c t i o n s like a p i e c e of b a r n a c l e d f l o t s a m in a p a r t i c u l a r l y s a v a g e m a e l s t r o m . T h e b o g a n can o f t e n b e seen s h o u t i n g i n a n i n c o h e r e n t a n d g r a m m a t i c a l l y i n c o r r e c t f a s h i o n a s i t circles t h e political suckhole. The b o g a n , uninterested in t h e high falutin' opinions of ivory t o w e r a c a d e m i c s , will n o t have s t u d i e d t h e r e l e v a n t s u b j e c t m a t t e r i n e v e n t h e m o s t c u r s o r y manner. B e i n g f r o m t h e 'real w o r l d ' , t h e b o g a n u n d e r s t a n d s t h i n g s on a h i g h e r level t h a n a m e r e a c a d e m i c . It is j u s t as w e l l t h e b o g a n has a p r e t e r n a t u r a l sense f o r h o w t h i n g s are i n t h e 'real w o r l d ' , b e c a u s e i t g e t s its n e w s a n d v i e w s a s p a r t o f the blinkered p r o g r a m m i n g of one of three commercial television networks. W h e n i t c o m e s t o Islam, t h e b o g a n i s p a r t i c u l a r l y a t sea. W h e n its g i n o r m o u s T V spits o u t b r i e f , v a g u e a n d h i g h l y c o d e d n e w s o f e v e n t s o c c u r r i n g i n t h e M i d d l e East, t h e b o g a n g r i p s t i g h t e r t o its b a r n a c l e d f l o t s a m . This p a r t i c u l a r f l o t s a m c o m e s i n t h e f o r m o f t h e Q u r ' a n , w h i c h t h e b o g a n k n o w s o n a n i n t u i t i v e level, w i t h o u t h a v i n g r e a d any o f i t o r f o u n d o u t w h a t h a p p e n s i n it. T h e b o g a n will t e l l p e o p l e t h a t t h e Q u r ' a n b i n d s all M u s l i m s t o a t h i n g c a l l e d 'Shania's L a w ' , w h i c h c o m p e l s t h e m t o s p r e a d

chaos a n d o p p r e s s i o n t h r o u g h o u t t h e g l o b e . I n t h e b o g a n ' s m i n d , M u s l i m s of all s t r i p e s , each o n e a p o t e n t i a l s u i c i d e b o m b e r , have b e e n f i g h t i n g each o t h e r since b e f o r e t h e t i m e o f Santa. This, t h e b o g a n believes, has all b e e n i n o r d e r t o a t t a i n m a x t r e m e q u a n t i t i e s of virgins in the afterlife. The b o g a n is highly suspicious of this, a s t h e b o g a n w a n t s its virgins r i g h t away, w i t h o u t h a v i n g t o w o r k for t h e m . I n r e c e n t t i m e s , t h e b o g a n has b e c o m e increasingly c o n c e r n e d that the thrice-locked boganic w o n d e r l a n d of Australia is under t h r e a t f r o m t h e s e Shania's L a w - f o l l o w i n g , v i r g i n - m o t i v a t e d w a r r i o r s . A f t e r all, M u s l i m t e r r o r i s t s w e r e r e s p o n s i b l e f o r s h u t t i n g d o w n o n e o f t h e b e s t bars i n Bali, a n d t h e b o g a n b a r e l y s a v e d C r o n u l l a f r o m b e i n g t h e b e a c h h e a d f o r a n Islamic c a l i p h a t e . B u t s t r a n g e l y , t h e t h r e a t o f b o m b i n g has t a k e n a b a c k seat lately t o t h e threatof g a r m e n t - b a s e d attack. The b o g a n is continually haunted by the image of a w o m e n wearing the burqa, because the bogan p r e f e r s its w o m e n t o b e largely c l o t h e s - f r e e , o r a t least t o s h o w a b i t o f e x p o s e d ' G ' . Because t h e b u r q a d e p r i v e s b o g a n s o f t h e i r f u n d a m e n t a l r i g h t t o leer a t e v e r y w o m a n equally, t h e b o g a n d o e s n o t like t h e b u r q a . B u t w h e n i t tries t o c o n v i n c e s o m e o n e o f t h i s , t h e b o g a n may even give an uncharacteristic n o d to t h e female l i b e r a t i o n m o v e m e n t , b e f o r e s k i p p i n g i n f u r i a t i n g l y t o a carefully c r a f t e d t h e o r y d e t a i l i n g h o w S h e i k h A l c o p o p i s u s i n g S a u d i oil d o l l a r s to launch a j i h a d on massive cans.

Baptisms
The bogan only recently learned what a hedge fund is. Even though,
t h r o u g h o u t t h e g l o b a l financial t u r m o i l o f 2 0 0 8 a n d 2 0 0 9 , i t o n l y heard snippets in the trashmedia about hedge funds collapsing, it

feels n o w t h a t i t k n o w s w h a t t h e y are. T h e y are b e t t i n g s y n d i c a t e s set u p t o b e t o n d i f f e r e n t t h i n g s f r o m w h a t t h e b a n k b e t s o n s o that, no m a t t e r what, t h e y always w i n . W h e t h e r or not this is t r u e , t h e b o g a n has y e t t o realise t h a t i t has b e e n e n g a g i n g i n its o w n h e d g e f u n d f o r s o m e t i m e . W i t h its c o n s o n a n t - c h a l l e n g e d p r o g e n y ' s e t e r n a l souls, no less. Baptising their n e w b o r n , vowel-free spawn is the perfect way f o r t h e b o g a n , w h o i s e n t i r e l y i n d i f f e r e n t t o o b s e r v a n t r e l i g i o n (it w i l l n o t g e t u p early o n Sunday) t o m a k e sure t h a t , j u s t i n case they're w r o n g , and the g o d they don't follow is a vengeful one, t h e i r k i d is safe. B y b a p t i s i n g t h e i r c h i l d , t h e b o g a n c o u n t e r a c t s all o f t h e h e i n o u s acts it w i l l no d o u b t c o m m i t t h r o u g h o u t its l i f e . It is a r e l i g i o u s p r e p a i d c a r b o n o f f s e t f o r all o f t h e f i l t h y emissions t h a t t h e b o g a n ' s c h i l d i s likely t o b e e n c o u r a g e d o r a l l o w e d t o m a k e b y its lack o f p a r e n t i n g . Little A r a n ' s u n f o r t u n a t e d o s e o f A D H D w i l l , o f c o u r s e , p r o v i d e a relatively a m p l e a m o u n t o f c o v e r a g e f r o m d i v i n e r e t r i b u t i o n , b u t i t c a n ' t mask e v e r y t h i n g . M o r e o v e r , b a p t i s m s are similar t o w e d d i n g s i n t h a t t h e b o g a n p a r e n t s g e t t o b e t h e c e n t r e o f a t t e n t i o n f o r t h e day. T h e c h i l d , b e i n g o f a n u n i n t e l l i g i b l e a g e a n d b r a i n capacity, m e r e l y sits i n t h e m i d d l e o f any g i v e n r o o m , w h i l e t h e p r o f o u n d l y f e r t i l e m u m a n d d a d sit b e a t i f i c a l l y nearby, w a l l o w i n g i n t h e c o o i n g f e r v o u r t h a t i s a new child. T h e b o g a n i s also very a s p i r a t i o n a l . W h i l e this t e n d s t o f o c u s o n t h e c o r p o r e a l r e a l m , w i t h its a t t e n d a n t M c M a n s i o n s a n d 86-inch 3 D ! televisions, t h e b o g a n will always aspire t o b i g g e r things. A n d to the b o g a n , eternal soft white light, feathered beds a n d n o real c o n c e r n w i t h a d u l t e r y (as t h e m a l e b o g a n c o n s i d e r s

t h e place) is w o r t h a q u i c k d u n k in t h e h o l y w a t e r a n d a d e a t h b e d repentance. The b o g a n may invoke the name of g o d in a self-righteous f a s h i o n i n o r d e r t o b o l s t e r its a r g u m e n t s a b o u t e v e r y t h i n g f r o m kids' fashion to f o r e i g n policy, b u t w h e n road-raging, f i g h t i n g , c o m p l a i n i n g a b o u t r e f u g e e s o r p u r c h a s i n g garish ' f a s h i o n ' i t e m s , g o d c o u l d n ' t b e f u r t h e r f r o m t h e b o g a n ' s m i n d . This d o e s n ' t s t o p t h e b o g a n f r o m g e t t i n g a p r i e s t t o d u n k its o f f s p r i n g i n m a g i c a l g o d w a t e r , w h i c h i s similar t o n u t r i e n t water, b u t replaces t h e o r e t i c a l nutritional c o n t e n t w i t h theoretical spiritual content.

Tennis
This title is perhaps misleading. The bogan does not, in fact, enjoy
tennis. Indeed, the b o g a n is utterly indifferent to tennis for 50 w e e k s o f t h e year. B u t f o r t h o s e s h i n i n g f o u r t e e n days i n January, b o g a n s e m p t y t h e i r p o c k e t s i n t o t h e coffers o f tennis a d m i n i s t r a t o r s w h e n t h e A u s t r a l i a n O p e n rolls i n t o t o w n . V i o l e n t l y i g n o r i n g its a r i s t o c r a t i c b e g i n n i n g s i n t h e late 1 9 t h c e n t u r y , t h e b o g a n has r u i n e d y e t a n o t h e r e v e n t . C h a m p a g n e a n d s t r a w b e r r i e s a n d c r e a m have b e e n r e p l a c e d b y H e i n e k e n a n d p o t a t o w e d g e s , w h i l e g r a c e a n d h a r m o n y have b e e n f o r f e i t e d a s w e a k a n d unnecessary. The b o g a n ' s s p o r a d i c racism is a l l o w e d to e n t e r full b l o o m d u r i n g t h e s e t w o w e e k s , a s i t selectively filters t h e g l o b a l g a t h e r i n g o f a t h l e t e s i n o r d e r t o v a l i d a t e e v e r y o n e o f its o p i n i o n s a b o u t p l a c e s i t has n e v e r v i s i t e d . T h i s i s b e s t d e m o n s t r a t e d b y t h e a t t e n d a n c e o f b o g a n s a t any m a t c h c o n t a i n i n g a n A u s t r a l i a n . O r s o m e o n e w h o was o n c e m a r r i e d t o a n A u s t r a l i a n . C o m m e n t a t o r s , f o s t e r i n g this sense o f ' p a t r i o t i s m ' , surreptitiously ( a n d b y s u r r e p t i t i o u s l y , w e m e a n b l a t a n t l y a n d offensively) l e n d t h e i r s u p p o r t t o players d u r i n g t h e i r call o f t h e g a m e b y r e f e r r i n g t o local players b y t h e i r first n a m e s , a n d s p e n d i n g a g r e a t d e a l o f t i m e discussing t h e i r e x c e l l e n t play, w h i l e d i s m i s s i n g failures as a b i t o f luck o n t h e p a r t o f t h e i r o p p o n e n t . T h e T V c o v e r a g e i s e v e n b e t t e r f o r b o g a n s in r e c e n t years as it c o n t a i n s less a n d less a c t u a l tennis, which is substituted for o n g o i n g m o n t a g e s of close-ups of h o t chicks h i t t i n g s h o t s a n d g r u n t i n g t o r e m i x e d music. F o l l o w i n g t h a t will b e t h e ' H o t S h o t s ' s e g m e n t , w h i c h distills a n e n t i r e day's tennis d o w n to four points which conclude with commentators saying ' w h o a ! '

T h i s has h i t a p r o g r e s s i v e l y l a r g e r s n a g y e a r u p o n year, as A u s t r a l i a n players have s u c k e d m o r e a n d m o r e . T h e p r e s e n c e o f o v e r t l y b o g a n players a m o n g t h e A u s t r a l i a n e l i t e has d o n e little t o s l o w t h e d e c l i n e o f i n t e r e s t i n A u s t r a l i a n players. A s s u c h , t h e c o m m e n t a t o r s ' attentions had t o b e lavished o n others: t o w i t , t o p t e n players a n d attractive female players. The b o g a n male can t h e r e f o r e s p e n d a g r e a t d e a l o f t i m e w a t c h i n g w o m e n ' s s p o r t - s o m e t h i n g it never, ever d o e s - p e r v i n g up l a d i e s ' dresses a n d skirts u n d e r t h e p r e t e n c e o f e n j o y i n g t h e a c t i o n . C o n c u r r e n t l y , t h e f e m a l e b o g a n can s p e n d a g r e a t d e a l o f t i m e w a t c h i n g w o m e n ' s s p o r t - s o m e t h i n g i t never, e v e r d o e s - c h e c k i n g o u t ' f a s h i o n ' under the pretence of enjoying the action. H a v i n g e n j o y e d t h e illicit thrill o f l o o k i n g a t w o m e n ' s u n d e r w e a r f o r s o m e t i m e , t h e b o g a n m a l e will t h e n p i c k u p t h e Herald Sun,Daily Telegraph or r e l a t e d n o n - A u s t r a / / a n N e w s C o r p p a p e r a n d g l a n c e f l e e t i n g l y a t t h e h e a d l i n e . This will p r o m p t a l o n g - w i n d e d d e n u n c i a t i o n o f t h e ' C r o a t i a n f u c k w i t s ' b e h a v i n g like b o g a n s w h i l e wearing the w r o n g flag as a cape and ruining the tennis by g e t t i n g i n t o f i g h t s . P o l i t i c i a n s a n d social c o m m e n t a t o r s t h e n r e i n f o r c e t h e b e l i e f t h a t f o r e i g n e r s s h o u l d b e b a n n e d f r o m w a t c h i n g such a q u i n t e s s e n t i a l ^ A u s t r a l i a n s p o r t . T h e b o g a n t h e n l o o k s a t its w a t c h , realises it's l a t e f o r t h e 2 0 / 2 0 g a m e a n d l e a v e s . I t t h e n r e t u r n s , sheepishly, o n e h o u r later, e x p l a i n i n g t o all w h o ' l l listen t h a t t h e security g u a r d s a t t h e c r i c k e t are all f u c k w i t s .

Twenty/twenty cricket
The bowler turns on his heel as he approaches the top of his run,
tosses t h e ball f r o m h a n d t o h a n d , s t e a m v e r y nearly b u r s t i n g o u t o f his nostrils g i v e n t h e f u r i o u s e n e r g y h e has b u i l t u p l e a d i n g i n t o

this m o m e n t . Gradually, he b e g i n s his r u n , first at an a m b l e , t h e n a r u n , b e f o r e h i t t i n g t h e crease a t a n O l y m p i a n s p r i n t , s i m u l t a n e o u s l y t h r o w i n g his a r m o v e r his s h o u l d e r a n d releasing his small l e a t h e r p r o j e c t i l e at his n e m e s i s at n i g h - o n 100 miles an hour. T h e d i e is cast, t h e first d e l i v e r y b o w l e d i n a n g e r o f w h a t w i l l h o p e f u l l y b e an e p i c c o n t e s t . T h e b a t s m a n , i n a s p l i t s e c o n d , sizes u p t h e s p e e d , t r a j e c t o r y , m o v e m e n t a n d b o u n c e o f t h e b a l l . I n s t a n t l y , h e assesses t h e p l a c i n g s o f t h e f i e l d e r s , t h e c h a n c e s o f s u c c e s s . He's f a c i n g a g r e a t b o w l e r w i t h a h e a d full o f s t e a m , a n d he's y e t t o f i n d his r h y t h m . He s t e p s f o r w a r d , raises his left e l b o w , p r e s e n t s a s t r a i g h t b a t , a n d sends t h e ball safely b a c k t o t h e o t h e r e n d o f t h e p i t c h . Game on. T h e n , f r o m t h e c r o w d , e m e r g e s : ' F u c k i n g hit t h e t h i n g , y o u lazy c***! It's t w e n t y / t w e n t y ! ' W e l c o m e t o t w e n t y / t w e n t y (or i n t h e b o g a n - a b b r e v i a t e d , t e x t s p e a k vernacular, T20) c r i c k e t . C r i c k e t , 3 0 years a g o , was a b r i d g e d f o r t h e nascent b o g a n i n t o W o r l d Series C r i c k e t - t a k i n g t h e t r a d i t i o n a l five-day, 4 5 0 - o v e r e p i c s a n d t r i m m i n g t h e m d o w n t o a n e a t 100 s o t h a t t h e y c o u l d all b e b o w l e d i n t i m e f o r b e d . C o l o u r f u l clothes and night games were the norm, and bogans embraced the m a x t r e m e spectacle of cricket for t h e attention-deficient. H o w e v e r , as is always t h e b o g a n way, t u r n i n g a f i v e - d a y s p o r t i n g event into an eight-hour s p o r t i n g event was not e n o u g h . Thus, f r o m t h e d e p t h s o f t h e m o t h e r c o u n t r y , T 2 0 was b o r n . C u t t i n g b a c k like a n e w s p a p e r e d i t o r w h o j u s t saw his d a u g h t e r r e a d i n g TMZ, c r i c k e t was w h i t t l e d a w a y t o a p o s i t i v e l y skeletal 4 0 o v e r s , c r e a t i n g t h e a b i l i t y to finish a m a t c h in t h r e e h o u r s . O f course, x t r e m e brevity was n o t sufficient t o mollify t h e b o g a n s '

i m p a t i e n c e f o r sixes a n d f o u r s . C r i c k e t g e n i u s e s i n c o r p o r a t e d ' p o w e r plays' f r o m o n e - d a y cricket, because clearly t h e b o g a n e n j o y s p o w e r o f any s o r t , its t o t a l lack o f a w a r e n e s s o f w h a t p o w e r plays are o r t h e i r e f f e c t n o t w i t h s t a n d i n g . The b o u n d a r i e s were m o v e d even closer to t h e b a t s m e n , a l m o s t g u a r a n t e e i n g t h a t i f t h e y c l o s e d t h e i r eyes a n d c o n n e c t e d , said f o u r s a n d sixes w o u l d e n s u e . A n d naturally, w h e n t h e s e i n e v i t a b l e f o u r s a n d sixes a r e s c o r e d , t h e b o g a n m a s s e s , c l a d a s t h e y are i n f l a g - c a p e s a n d c h e a p k n o c k - o f f s o f t h e A u s t r a l i a n u n i f o r m , can c e l e b r a t e . C e l e b r a t e a l o n g w i t h f i r e w o r k s . F i r e w o r k s t h a t are e f f e c t i v e l y l a r g e s t o v e s , s p e w i n g f o r t h f l a m e , a l l o w i n g o n e h o u s e h o l d ' s a n n u a l natural gas c o n s u m p t i o n t o b e s p e n t i g n i t i n g f l a m e b u r s t s o n t h e sidelines. M e a n w h i l e , o v e r t h e l o u d s p e a k e r s , ' W h o Let t h e D o g s O u t ' p u m p s , e l e v a t i n g t h e b o g a n t o a n e w level" o f p a t r i o t i c hysteria. M e a n w h i l e , a t t h e p u b a m o n g t h o s e a l r e a d y k i c k e d o u t , a b o g a n glasses s o m e o n e .

Mixed martial arts

Boasting a decade of experience in watching reality TV, the bogan
k n o w s w h a t ' s r e a l . This k n o w l e d g e o f r e a l i t y i n i t i a l l y p r o v e d t o b e b u r d e n s o m e as, a f t e r 2 0 years o f w a t c h i n g W W F A A / W E ' p r o wrestling', it caused a l o o m i n g suspicion to f o r m at t h e back of t h e bogan's mind regarding the authenticity of what it once t h o u g h t w a s t h e a p e x o f all t h i n g s x t r e m e . T h e n , like a w h i s p e r o n t h e w i n d , i t b e g a n t o hear r u m o u r s . I t h e a r d t h a t , s o m e w h e r e , t h e r e was a c a g e t h a t was n o t i n t h e b a c k o f a d i v v y v a n . This c a g e h a d fighters. These fighters w e r e x t r e m e . So x t r e m e t h a t intellectuals w e r e t r y i n g t o b a n t h e m . I t was b o g a n crack. Eventually, i t e m e r g e d t h a t i t w a s a n e w s p o r t c a l l e d ' U l t i m a t e

F i g h t i n g ' . T h e b o g a n d i s s o l v e d u n d e r t h e w e i g h t o f its o w n s u r g i n g e n d o r p h i n s . U p o n closer i n s p e c t i o n , t h e b o g a n realised j u s t h o w a m a z i n g t h i s n e w s p o r t w a s . I t a n s w e r e d t h e q u e s t i o n t h a t has b e e n p r e o c c u p y i n g t h e b o g a n since Bloodsport was released. W h o w o u l d w i n if a k u n g fu d u d e a n d a k a r a t e d u d e g o t i n t o a massive, glass-free s t o u s h ? Initially b r a n d e d u n d e r t h e slogan 'There Are No Rules', t h e ' U l t i m a t e F i g h t i n g C h a m p i o n s h i p ' (UFC) p r o m o t e r s f o u n d themselves straining under t h e w e i g h t of a b o g a n tsunami, as t h e b o g a n has l i v e d its life e s p o u s i n g t h e idea t h a t i t w a s n o f o l l o w e r o f m e r e rules. T h e n , t h e b o g a n d i s c o v e r e d s o m e t h i n g s h o c k i n g . A f t e r a p e r i o d o f p o l i t i c a l b a c k l a s h , n e w rules w e r e i n t r o d u c e d t o p r e v e n t d e a t h . This w a s , t o t h e b o g a n , u n a c c e p t a b l e . I t was no l o n g e r u l t i m a t e e n o u g h . B u t o n l y f o r a m o m e n t . In a flash of i n s p i r a t i o n , t h e b o g a n r e a l i s e d t h a t t h e r e w e r e n o w a t least 3 1 d i f f e r e n t w a y s t o b r e a k t h e rules. T o t o p i t off, t h e s p o r t b e g a n b r a n d i n g itself a s ' m i x e d m a r t i a l a r t s ' ( M M A ) t o t h e masses, w h i l e remaining 'Ultimate Fighting' to the bogans. The bogan didn't stand a chance. The b o g a n t h e n learned of Randy 'The N a t u r a l ' C o u t u r e , a f i g h t e r i n A m e r i c a ' s U F C . T h e b o g a n n o l o n g e r j u s t w a n t e d its c l o t h e s c o u t u r e , b u t its v i o l e n c e as w e l l . T h e n , in 2 0 0 5 , a reality TV show called The Ultimate Fighter, w h i c h f o l l o w e d WWE Raw on

p a y TV, b r o u g h t UFC t o t h e b o g a n w o r l d i n t h e m o s t a w e s o m e l y a p p r o p r i a t e way possible. It t a u g h t t h e b o g a n that UFC is t h e u l t i m a t e in x t r e m e - it has c a g e s . It has b l o o d . It has d u d e s w h o spend a great deal of time getting huge. The bogan then learned of dedicated M M A training programs - a veritable primordial soup o f h u g e b o g a n s w h o w e r e t i r e d o f h a v i n g t o r e s o r t t o glassware a s

a w e a p o n , a n d w h o c o n s i d e r e d regular martial arts t o b e n o t nearly x t r e m e e n o u g h - h e l d in P h u k e t . P e r f e c t . But n o n e o f this w a s w h a t w o n t h e b o g a n over. T h e y h a d t h e bogan at 'Ultimate Fighting'.

Buying a snowboard
Each winter, the bogan stares balefully out of its window, through
t h e s l e e t i n g rain, a n d d r e a m s o f b e i n g m a x t r e m e . T h e sun has g o n e , a n d t h e b o g a n can n o l o n g e r visit t h e b e a c h o n c e a m o n t h , w a n d e r a r o u n d shirtless a n d p r e t e n d t o k n o w h o w t o surf. Its fantasies o f w a r m - w e a t h e r m a x t r e m i t y d a s h e d f o r f o u r m o n t h s , i t has b e e n r e d u c e d t o a b l i t h e r i n g mess o f s p o r t i n g b r a n d - f r e e misery. Then, sometime around mid-June, the bogan is watching b r e a k f a s t TV. G l u m l y s h o v e l l i n g N u t r i - G r a i n i n t o its m o u t h , i t notices something different. After the obligatory dwarf weather s e g m e n t , t h e r o b o t h o s t cuts t o a n e w character, o n e t h e b o g a n v a g u e l y r e m e m b e r s , s w a t h e d i n b r i g h t l y c o l o u r e d M i c h e l i n tyres, a n d its m u f f l e d v o i c e s p e a k s i n t o a m i c r o p h o n e a b o u t ' c r i s p p o w d e r ' , 'lifts o p e r a t i n g ' a n d ' b l a c k r u n s ' . S e t t i n g aside its i r o n m a n f o o d , t h e b o g a n pays a t t e n t i o n t o this h u m a n m a r s h m a l l o w . A n d i t c o m e s t o a r e a l i s a t i o n ; i t has f o u n d w i n t e r nirvana. A u s t r a l i a has s n o w . A n d s n o w p e o p l e are exactly like b e a c h p e o p l e , b u t w i t h s n o w . T h e b o g a n i m m e d i a t e l y buys a s n o w b o a r d . A n d n o t j u s t any s n o w b o a r d . . . a s n o w b o a r d t h a t can a c h i e v e m a x i m u m a l t i t u d e . A s n o w b o a r d t h a t will g e t i t u p t o X - G a m e s s t a n d a r d s . A f t e r all, i f t h a t 1 6 - y e a r - o l d k i d a t t h e W i n t e r O l y m p i c s can d o i t w i t h a b r o k e n h a n d , surely t h e b o g a n can d o i t w i t h its b r o k e n g r i p o n reality? U p o n arrival a t t h e l o d g e , t h e b o g a n w i l l a u t o m a t i c a l l y a d o p t t h e local v e r n a c u l a r i n s p e c t a c u l a r l y u n c o n v i n c i n g f a s h i o n . I t w i l l

s p e a k o f ' h i t t i n g t h e s l o p e s ' , ' c a r v i n g i t u p ' a n d refer t a n g e n t i a l l y to ' w h i s t l e r ' as a s n o w b o a r d i n g m a n o e u v r e . It will t r o l l a r o u n d t h e l o d g e k e e p i n g o n e eye p e e l e d , a s i t has always d r e a m e d o f h u n t i n g t h e e x t r e m e l y rare, h i g h l y seasonal, arctic cougar. It will be h a p p y , as t h i s e n t i r e exercise has o f f e r e d i t a n o p p o r t u n i t y t o a c q u i r e a n array o f g a r i s h , b r i g h t l y c o l o u r e d , heavily b r a n d e d s p e c i a l t y c l o t h i n g , w i t h o u t actually h a v i n g t o g o o u t s i d e a n d g e t c o l d a n d / o r w e t . E m e r g i n g g r o g g i l y o n t o t h e slopes t h e n e x t m o r n i n g , t h e b o g a n d e c i d e s i t s h o u l d g i v e its s h i n y n e w e q u i p m e n t a p r a c t i c e r u n . Naturally, u p o n h e a r i n g t h a t ' b l a c k r u n ' m e a n s t h e m o s t m a x t r e m e , t h e b o g a n d e c i d e s t o e n a c t its n e w l y r e m i x e d w i n t e r d r e a m s o n t h e crisp p o w d e r . Lessons are f o r pussies w i t h o u t n a t u r a l t a l e n t . T h i r t y minutes in, t h e b o g a n decides t h a t t h e inability to s n o w b o a r d is actually called 'freestyle', and h e n c e f o r t h tells it to anyone w h o w i l l listen. C o m e s u m m e r , t h e b o g a n w i l l l o o k g a i l y o u t o f its w i n d o w a t t h e b r i g h t s u n s h i n e , a n d g l a n c e f l e e t i n g l y , scornfully, a t t h e h o t p i n k s n o w b o a r d i n t h e corner, b e f o r e h e a d i n g o u t a n d b u y i n g a s u r f b o a r d . A n d n o t j u s t any s u r f b o a r d . . .

Home fitness equipment

The bogan wants a rockin' body- It wants to trim down the fat, tone
u p a n d , i n t h e case o f t h e m a l e , g e t r i p p e d , vascular a n d g e n e r a l l y h u g e . I t w a n t s t o finally g e t t h e r e s p e c t i t d e s e r v e s . I t w a n t s t o b e n o t i c e d b y t h e o p p o s i t e sex. T o b e m o r e c o n f i d e n t . M o r e successful. M o r e e n e r g e t i c . B u t g e t t i n g a s w e e t r i g is h a r d . A t r u e A u s s i e b a t t l e r , t h e b o g a n w o r k s r o u g h l y e i g h t h o u r s p e r day, f i v e d a y s p e r w e e k , a n d t h e r e f o r e s i m p l y d o e s n o t h a v e t i m e i n its 128 r e m a i n i n g w e e k l y h o u r s t o g e t t o t h e g y m . G o i n g f o r a run i s

also o u t o f t h e q u e s t i o n , a s this w o u l d r e q u i r e v e n t u r i n g o u t d o o r s b e y o n d t h e m i n i m u m distance required to g e t f r o m building to v e h i c l e , o r vice versa. I f o n l y t h e r e w e r e s o m e k i n d o f q u i c k , easy w a y f o r t h e b o g a n t o a c h i e v e t h e b o d y i t has always d r e a m e d o f w i t h o u t l e a v i n g t h e c o m f o r t o f its o w n h o m e , o r missing Australia's G o t Talent. W a t c h i n g Kerri-Anne d u r i n g a h a n g o v e r - i n d u c e d sickie o n e m o r n i n g , it d i s c o v e r s t h e s h o r t c u t i t has b e e n s e a r c h i n g for. T h e A b Krusher, as d e m o n s t r a t e d by a pair of o r a n g e s k i n n e d , a l l - A m e r i c a n m o d e l s . The quarterback and the cheerleader. The male r i p p e d , jacked, vascular. T h e f e m a l e l e a n , t o n e d , s v e l t e . B o t h s p o r t i n g h a z a r d o u s a m o u n t s o f silicone a n d t e e t h w h i t e n e r . A l l t h a t i s r e q u i r e d o f t h e b o g a n i n o r d e r t o a t t a i n a n e q u i v a l e n t level o f s y n t h e t i c p e r f e c t i o n is six easy p a y m e n t s of $ 6 9 . 9 5 . U p o n arrival o f its shiny n e w A b D e m o l i s h e r , t h e b o g a n parks itself i n f r o n t o f t h e p l a s m a , r e a d y t o s t a r t s h e d d i n g kilos. T h r e e m i n u t e s in, it k n o w s s o m e t h i n g is w r o n g . It is n o t b e a m i n g a r a d i o a c t i v e s m i l e . Its p e c s are n o t g l i s t e n i n g . N o m u s c l e t o n e has y e t b e c o m e visible. This i s n o t h i n g like t h e i n f o m e r c i a l . F o l l o w i n g a f e w s u b s e q u e n t s p o r a d i c a t t e m p t s , t h e A b Slayer i s d e p o s i t e d i n t h e g a r a g e , never t o b e seen again, w i t h t h e b o g a n claiming t h e a p p a r a t u s c a u s e d i t t o d o its b a c k i n . A t t h e t u r n o f t h e n e w year, t h e b o g a n o n c e a g a i n resolves t o g e t fit, this t i m e purchasing t h e Ab King ProMax. The inevitable cycle r e p e a t s like c l o c k w o r k w i t h t h e p a s s i n g o f each year, a s t h e b o g a n c h e w s t h r o u g h t h e A b C r u n c h e r , A b Rocker, A b Roller, A b R e v o l u t i o n i s e s A b T e r m i n a t o r , a n d A b A b u G h r a i b . Finally, t h e b o g a n c o n c l u d e s t h a t its i n a b i l i t y t o a c h i e v e p h y s i c a l f i t n e s s i s r e l a t e d t o a g l a n d u l a r c o n d i t i o n , allergies a n d / o r A D H D .

WHEELS

Personalised numberplates
All people seek to express their personality through their actions,
possessions a n d p e r s o n a l p r e s e n t a t i o n . B e c a u s e t h e b o g a n has m o r e p e r s o n a l i t y t h a n t h e rest o f us, i t r e q u i r e s m o r e canvases u p o n w h i c h t o p o r t r a y its t r a i t s . O n e o f t h e s e canvases i s t h e l o w e r back, b u t a n o t h e r i m p o r t a n t o n e i s t h e n u m b e r p l a t e o f t h e b o g a n ' s car. W h i l e all cars c o m e w i t h n u m b e r p l a t e s , f o r t h e b o g a n t h a t r e c t a n g u l a r p i e c e of m e t a l is m o r e t h a n a r e g i s t r a t i o n t o o l - it is an existential s t a t e m e n t of identity a n d intent. S t a t e traffic a u t h o r i t i e s have i d e n t i f i e d t h i s n e e d i n t h e b o g a n a n d o f f e r a s u i t e of s o l u t i o n s . F o r a p r i c e of h u n d r e d s of d o l l a r s ( a n d a n a d d i t i o n a l a n n u a l f e e o f h u n d r e d s o f dollars), t h e b o g a n i s a b l e t o use t h e f r o n t a n d rear o f its v e h i c l e t o a n n o u n c e its m u l t i c o l o u r e d m a n i f e s t o t o t h e w o r l d , p r o v i d e d i t i s six characters o r less. U n d e t e r r e d , i n v e n t i v e a l p h a n u m e r i c a b b r e v i a t i o n s a r e e m p l o y e d , t h e skills f o r w h i c h have b e e n h o n e d t h r o u g h years o f virtually i l l e g i b l e t e x t m e s s a g i n g . T h e m e s s a g e o f t h e n u m b e r p l a t e usually refers t o t h e car's a b i l i t y t o a t t a i n s p e e d , o r t h e a l l e g e d i m p o r t a n c e o r desirability o f its owner. Examples i n c l u d e ' W T A B U Z ' , ' 2 H O T 4 U ' , a n d ' C O P B 8 ' . O n o t h e r occasions t h e n u m b e r p l a t e i s a v a r i a n t o f t h e driver's n a m e , t h o u g h t h e m o t i v a t i o n b e h i n d such a c h o i c e i s unclear, since t h e b o g a n d o e s n ' t s p e n d its t i m e o u t s i d e o f t h e car w i t h a n a m e t a g p i n n e d t o its shirt. O f t e n , t h e b o g a n will s e e k t o r e m o v e t h e b a d g i n g f r o m t h e rear b u m p e r o f t h e car to make it seem more subtle, yet describe the make or model of t h e car o n t h e n u m b e r p l a t e i n far l a r g e r l e t t e r s . The personalisation of the numberplate is believed to make i t easier f o r t h e b o g a n t o l o c a t e its v e h i c l e i n s h o p p i n g c e n t r e carparks, as well as intimidating or impressing other bogans

d u r i n g Friday n i g h t r e p e t i t i v e laps u p a n d d o w n a s t r e e t t h a t has f a s h i o n a b l e s h o p s on it. By h a v i n g a p e r s o n a l i s e d n u m b e r p l a t e , t h e m a l e b o g a n can p r o v e t o p r o s p e c t i v e m a t i n g p a r t n e r s t h a t t h e car is n o t s t o l e n or his p a r e n t s ' , u n d e r l i n i n g his s u i t a b i l i t y as a f a t h e r a n d p r o v i d e r t o her c h i l d r e n .

Petrol consumption as recreation

Perhaps the bogan's obsession with attaining toys as a grown adult
can b e e x p l a i n e d a s a n e f f o r t t o a d d r e s s t h e l i n g e r i n g t r a u m a o f h a v i n g b e e n d e n i e d t h e m as a c h i l d , or, c o n v e r s e l y , as a d i r e c t result of having b e e n given e v e r y t h i n g it cried, kicked and b i t h a r d e n o u g h for. W h a t ' s c e r t a i n i s t h a t w h e n i t d e v e l o p e d f r o m its larval s t a t e t o its f u l l - g r o w n a d u l t f o r m , t h e b o g a n ' s a p p e t i t e f o r t o y s o n l y g o t s t r o n g e r a n d m o r e reliant o n t h e d e p l e t i o n o f o u r planet's p e t r o l e u m resources. M u c h like his a n t h r o p o l o g i c a l f o r e b e a r s , o n e o f t h e d e f i n i n g experiences for the nouveau bogan is being at the controls of a vehicle over 100 times m o r e powerful than function strictly requires. But in comparison to the p r o t o - b o g a n , satisfied with m e r e l y s p e e d i n g his F a l c o n G T a n d p o s s i b l y l i g h t i n g ' e m u p w i t h i n e a r s h o t o f s o m e b o g a n skirt, o n e o f t h e m o d e r n b o g a n ' s g r e a t e s t a c h i e v e m e n t s has b e e n h u g e l y e x p a n d i n g t h e o p t i o n s f o r satisfying his i m p u l s e t o c o n s u m e g e n o c i d a l q u a n t i t i e s o f fossil f u e l s . P o w e r b o a t s , d i r t bikes, f o u r w h e e l e r s , g o - k a r t s , d u n e b u g g i e s , g e n e r a t o r s , a s p h a l t e r s , b o b c a t s , b o n f i r e s - t h e rule is, if y o u can p u t p e t r o l in it, t h e n e w b o g a n loves it, will g e t i t o n c r e d i t a n d d i s r e g a r d all o p e r a t i o n a l m a n u a l s i n e f f e c t i n g its p r o m p t d e s t r u c t i o n . W h i l e his f a t h e r m a y have g o t t e n his b o g a n o n b y l e a v i n g a beach strewn w i t h e m p t y tinnies and W i n f i e l d butts, and pissing

i n clear s i g h t o f n e a r b y f a m i l i e s , t o d a y ' s b o g a n t a k e s b e a c h - b a s e d o b n o x i o u s n e s s t o n e w levels w i t h t h e i n t r o d u c t i o n o f t h e j e t ski. N o t o n l y can t o d a y ' s b o g a n s h o w off his a p p a l l i n g t r a i l e r - r e v e r s i n g t e c h n i q u e (extra b o g a n p o i n t s i f a p e t r o l - p o w e r e d d e v i c e c o m e s w i t h its o w n t r a i l e r ) b u t u p o n f i r i n g i t u p , h e can s h o w e r t h o s e n e a r b y w i t h o i l - s m e a r e d w a t e r a n d b l a c k s m o k e a n d , crucially, e m i t a noise so o b s c e n e l y l o u d it aurally b l u d g e o n s t h e e n t i r e c o a s t l i n e i n t o a hasty r e t r e a t . Thus he achieves t h e holy t r i n i t y of b o g a n - air p o l l u t i o n , w a t e r p o l l u t i o n a n d s o u n d p o l l u t i o n . I n this h e i g h t e n e d s t a t e , o u r s u b j e c t utilises t h e rest o f t h e a f t e r n o o n e x h i b i t i n g his proficiency for bogans' enduring contribution to m o t o r s p o r t - t h e d o u g h n u t - u p o n t h e n o v e l canvas o f w a t e r .

'Holdens'
Not to be confused with the Chav, the bogan's British cousin, the
n e w b o g a n m a l e n o w w a n t s t o b e a Chev. This u t t e r l y c o n f u s i n g p h e n o m e n o n involves removing the Holden b a d g i n g f r o m a M o n a r o or SS C o m m o d o r e and replacing it w i t h a b a d g e f r o m a b a n k r u p t A m e r i c a n c o m p a n y . W h i l e t h e b o g a n will s o m e t i m e s p r o f e s s a d e s i r e to visit t h e v a c u o u s crassness t h a t is Las V e g a s , i t has g e n e r a l l y b e e n u n f a s h i o n a b l e d u r i n g t h e last d e c a d e f o r t h e n o u v e a u b o g u e t o b e o v e r t l y p r o - A m e r i c a n . E x c e p t o n his A u s t r a l i a n car. The entire Holden C o m m o d o r e range is designed and built in Australia. The Australian operation designs and builds an engine that is e x p o r t e d to numerous other countries in which its p a r e n t c o m p a n y o p e r a t e s . I n t h e s a m e manner, s o m e H o l d e n cars in A u s t r a l i a use a V8 e n g i n e o r i g i n a l l y d e s i g n e d o v e r s e a s by G e n e r a l M o t o r s , a n d also u s e d i n H u m m e r , Buick, C h e v r o l e t , Saab,

V a u x h a u l , Pontiac, C a d i l l a c a n d G M C vehicles. T h e b o g a n has a f u n d a m e n t a l craving to be seen as t o u g h , and s o m e w h e r e along t h e line he i n c o r r e c t l y d e c i d e s t h a t t h e V8 e n g i n e in his car is a C h e v r o l e t . M a k i n g t h e e n t i r e vehicle, b y rational e x t e n s i o n , actually a Chevrolet. The b o g a n is seemingly ashamed to drive Australian. This l o g i c f l a w i s n o t a p p l i e d t o t h e V L C o m m o d o r e f r o m t h e late e i g h t i e s , w h i c h u s e d a Nissan e n g i n e . Because J a p a n e s e p e o p l e aren't t o u g h , and the bogan needs to be t o u g h . T h e t e r m ' t h e S t r a n g e r ' was c o i n e d f o r t h e process o f s i t t i n g o n one's h a n d until i t g o e s n u m b , a n d t h e n b r o w s i n g p o r n o g r a p h y . T h e lack o f s e n s a t i o n i n t h e h a n d s i m u l a t e s t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f r e c e i v i n g m a n u a l assistance f r o m s o m e o n e else. I n t h e s a m e way, t h e b o g a n will d r i n k locally b r e w e d , f o r e i g n label b e e r until its brain g o e s n u m b . I t will t h e n d i s r e g a r d its o t h e r w i s e r a m p a n t A u s t r a l i a n n a t i o n a l i s m , enthusiastically r i p p i n g t h e H o l d e n b a d g e s o f f its car a n d r e p l a c i n g t h e m w i t h a set o f C h e v y l o g o s . W i t h its car s u i t a b l y e n h a n c e d , t h e b o g a n endlessly prowls the roads of nightclub districts, a t t e m p t i n g t o t r i c k similarly u n i n f o r m e d b o g a n f e m a l e s i n t o b e l i e v i n g t h a t he is an e x o t i c l o t h a r i o , a rare a n d irresistible sexual f o r c e f r o m across t h e seas. A l l t o o o f t e n , t h e e v e n i n g e n d s w i t h t h e b o g a n c o v e r t l y p e r f o r m i n g t h e Stranger on itself in a nearby carpark.

Road rage
While the bogan generally engages in few critically time-important
activities a n d has a c c r u e d a l i f e t i m e o f m i s s e d d e a d l i n e s , w h e n o n t h e r o a d it is in an u r g e n t hurry. If d e l a y e d by a s t o p s i g n , it will c h a r g e t h r o u g h . If d e l a y e d by a line of traffic, it will seek to d r i v e in t h e e m e r g e n c y lane. It will reach its d e s t i n a t i o n a full 90 s e c o n d s

earlier t h a n t h e n o n - b o g a n , a n d i t will c o n s u m e t h a t 9 0 s e c o n d s , a l o n g w i t h 3 0 0 o t h e r s e c o n d s , t o stake o u t a p a r k i n g s p a c e t h a t i s 3 0 s t e p s closer t o B o o s t J u i c e . H o w e v e r , t h e b o g a n ' s n o t o r i o u s l y p o o r c o p i n g skills m a k e i t s u s c e p t i b l e t o l o s i n g its c o o l e n t i r e l y i f i t f i n d s t h a t t h e t r a f f i c c o n d i t i o n s are n o t to its liking. A key p r o b l e m of r o a d - b a s e d b o g a n s is t h a t a car m a k e s a b o g a n i n v i n c i b l e . Encased in a 1 5 0 0 - k i l o g r a m glass a n d steel shell, t h e b o g a n t r a n s m o g r i f i e s f r o m a d u l l i r r i t a t i o n i n t o a d a n g e r o u s m e n a c e . I t e n f o r c e s its s k e w e d v a l u e s y s t e m and desire for the m a x t r e m e by s p e e d i n g , running red lights a n d b u r n i n g r u b b e r , d i s r e g a r d i n g o t h e r r o a d rules as it sees f i t . If s o m e o n e d o e s n o t let t h e b o g a n d o t h e s e t h i n g s a s i t w i s h e s , t h e b o g a n w a n t s j u s t i c e , a n d t h a t ' s w h e r e t h e real t r o u b l e starts. J u s t a s i t will d o i n r e l a t i o n t o f r e e s p e e c h , t h e b o g a n sees itself a s e n t i t l e d t o b r e a k any r o a d r u l e . This e n t i t l e m e n t i s e x t e n d e d t o e x a c t l y z e r o p e r c e n t o f o t h e r r o a d users, i n c l u d i n g o t h e r r o a d users d r i v i n g safely a n d c o r r e c t l y . If s o m e o n e m e r g e s i n t o a lane in f r o n t o f a b o g a n , t h e results will d e p e n d o n a n u m b e r o f f a c t o r s : H o w badly it wants to go to the shopping centre or nightclub strip. W h e t h e r t h e b o g a n is i n t o x i c a t e d . T h e presence of tribal t a t t o o s . A n y o t h e r o b s t a c l e s t h a t t h e b o g a n has e n c o u n t e r e d t h a t day. The presence of personalised n u m b e r p l a t e s . Degree to which the offending motorist is perceived to be Asian. If t h e bogan's anger b e c o m e s m o d e r a t e , it will scream f r o m inside its car, a n d m a k e o b s c e n e g e s t u r e s . It is u n l i k e l y to realise

t h a t t h e o t h e r p e r s o n c a n n o t h e a r its p r o f a n i t i e s f r o m i n s i d e t h e i r o w n car, b u t this d o e s n o t d e t e r i t f r o m p u r s u i n g t h i s a c t i o n w i t h vigour. If t h e anger level b e c o m e s h i g h , t h e b o g a n will a t t e m p t t o o v e r t a k e t h e o t h e r car w i t h o u t i n d i c a t i n g , e x p e c t i n g s u r r o u n d i n g cars to p a r t like Katie Price's legs. If it is n o t a l l o w e d to r e - e n t e r its o r i g i n a l lane, it will e m e r g e f r o m its car in a b l i n d fury. T h e a l p h a r o a d w a r r i o r b o g a n will a t t e m p t t o lure t h e o t h e r d r i v e r f r o m t h e i r car w i t h a n e l a b o r a t e r o a d s i d e w a r d a n c e , i n t e r m i t t e n t l y spitting a n d kicking d o o r panels. If this is n o t successful, it will e v e n t u a l l y r e t u r n t o its car, d o a b u r n o u t , a n d r o c k e t o f f i n t o t h e distance, w h i c h is usually t h e next traffic light 100 metres up the road.

Party buses
The bogan does not like public transport. It will, whenever possible,
b u r n t h e m a x i m u m a m o u n t o f fossil f u e l s i t can i n o r d e r t o g e t f r o m A to B, o c c a s i o n a l l y via L. W h i l e it has, o v e r t h e c o u r s e of t h e p a s t f i v e o r s o years, m i g r a t e d s w i f t l y i n t o n e w l y g e n t r i f i e d i n n e r s u b u r b s , t h e b o g a n has b r o u g h t w i t h i t its d e e p l y h e l d l o v e o f d r i v i n g any d i s t a n c e m o r e t h a n 2 0 0 m e t r e s away. A s s u c h , d e s p i t e n o w living less t h a n f i v e m i n u t e s ' w a l k f r o m a l m o s t e v e r y necessary service, t h e b o g a n w i l l d r i v e t h r e e m i n u t e s t o t h e g y m t o w a l k o n a t r e a d m i l l f o r half a n h o u r o r lift w e i g h t s o f W a r n e r B r o t h e r s - e s q u e p r o p o r t i o n s . T h e b o g a n w o n ' t b e s e e n d e a d o n a t r a i n , unless it's t h e first t r a i n o n a S u n d a y m o r n i n g , w h i c h i t can t h e n a d v e r t i s e t o its c o h o r t s i n a n e f f o r t t o d e m o n s t r a t e its c a p a c i t y f o r m a x t r e m e p a r t y i n g . T r a m s a r e f o r l a t t e - s i p p i n g p o o f s . Buses a r e b a r e l y m e n t i o n e d . B u t t h e r e i s o n e b u s , aside f r o m t h e V e n g a b u s , t h a t n o b o g a n can resist t h e lure of: t h e p a r t y b u s .

A mobile bogan convention of epic proportions, the party bus (or in t h e o r i g i n a l L a t i n , b u s e u s boganicus) has b e c o m e t h e v e h i c l e o f c h o i c e o f p a r t y i n g b o g a n s w i t h s h o r t a t t e n t i o n spans w h o c a n n o t a f f o r d a s t r e t c h H u m m e r o r else k n o w t o o m a n y o t h e r b o g a n s t o f i t i n o n e . T h e p a r t y bus w i l l t a k e t h e b o g a n s t o many, many b o g a n venues over t h e course of four hours, charging t h e b o g a n g r e a t a m o u n t s o f m o n e y f o r w h a t i s i n e f f e c t a l a r g e , smelly t a x i . Irregardless, t h e b o g a n b u s i s n o w h o m e t o every c o n c e i v a b l e b o g a n celebration, of which three feature predominantly: 21st birthdays, buck's nights a n d , especially, hens' nights. D u r i n g t h e s e sessions, t h e b o g u e t t e s wiij e n g a g e i n a v a r i e t y o f t h r i l l i n g activities, f r o m truth or dare games to fake orgasm and pole d a n c i n g c o m p e t i t i o n s , t o all g u i d e d b y t h e i r t r u s t y h o s t , S t e v e . N o o n e k n o w s w h e r e t h e s e hosts g o d u r i n g t h e day, b u t t h e y appear to be s o m e kind of s u p r a - b o g a n . It is as if they were once b o g a n s b u t have t r a n s c e n d e d i n t o a s t a t e o f p u r e b o g a n i c e n e r g y , e m e r g i n g i n c o r p o r e a l f o r m only t o g u i d e c o n f u s e d a n d d i s o r i e n t e d b o g a n s a r o u n d t h e C B D t o e v e r m o r e s e e d y bars b e f o r e p o p p i n g last year's d e s i g n e r d r u g a n d t r y i n g t o nail t h e hen's b e s t f r i e n d / d r u n k e s t chick t h e r e . If y o u encounter a b o g a n bus in t h e w i l d , t h e wisest course of a c t i o n i s n o t t o t u r n a r o u n d , n o t t o r u n : resist t h e natural h u m a n i n c l i n a t i o n t o f l e e a n d s i m p l y b a c k a w a y s l o w l y u n t i l y o u are a t a safe d i s t a n c e ; a t w h i c h p o i n t y o u s h o u l d c a l m l y t u r n a r o u n d and t a k e to your heels. O n c e y o u ' v e g o n e , t h e participants in t h e m a x t r e m e b o g a n p a r t y session w i l l search f o r s o m e m i s s i n g c o m p a n i o n n a m e d Rachael, w h o was last s e e n a t V e l o u r Bar w i t h t r u s t y S t e v e , b e f o r e h e a d i n g o f f a n d l e a v i n g her t o c a t c h t h e first train h o m e t o m o r r o w m o r n i n g .

Epilogue:
Being proud
D e s p i t e never h a v i n g a c h i e v e d a n y t h i n g of n o t e , t h e b o g a n is a p r o u d c r e a t u r e . Paradoxically, f i n d i n g p r i d e in a b o t t o m l e s s p i t of m e d i o c r i t y is in itself, p e r h a p s , by s o m e s t r a n d of b a c k w a r d b o g a n l o g i c , s o m e t h i n g t o b e p r o u d of. For t h e b o g a n i s a n u n d e r d o g , a d a r k h o r s e , an Aussie battler. It has t o i l e d endlessly against t h e c r u e l injustices f a c e d t h r o u g h o u t its c o m f o r t a b l e , c o s s e t e d life. The A D H D . The allergies. Political correctness g o n e m a d . The e n o r m o u s m o n t h l y i n t e r e s t b i l l o n its M c M a n s i o n , i n v e s t m e n t p r o p e r t y a n d line of p e r s o n a l c r e d i t . A c o m p l e t e lack of p a t i e n c e , discipline and f o r e t h o u g h t . T h e b o g a n has o v e r c o m e all o f t h e s e u n a v o i d a b l e hardships t o f i n d p r i d e i n s o m e g r e a t a c h i e v e m e n t s . Like b e i n g b o r n i n A u s t r a l i a , a n d t h e t i m e ' w e ' stuck i t t o t h e P o m s i n t h e A s h e s , o r t o t h e Turks a t G a l l i p o l i . Like t h e kid f r o m t h e i r school w h o w e n t o n t o b e a p r o f e s s i o n a l f o o t b a l l player. Like t h e f a c t t h a t t h e b o g a n ' s city is b e t t e r t h a n any o t h e r city. The b o g a n is p r o u d , t o o , of all t h e p e o p l e it w e n t to school with w h o w e n t on to succeed at things t h e b o g a n k n o w s it c o u l d also have s u c c e e d e d at, if it chose t o . A n d t h e b o g a n i s p r o u d o f various o t h e r a c h i e v e m e n t s t h a t i t d i d n o t c o n t r i b u t e t o a n d had barely a t a n g e n t i a l c o n n e c t i o n w i t h , b u t still d e s c r i b e s w i t h phrases such as ' w e s m a s h e d ' e m ' . T h e b o g a n i s p r o u d t h a t i t h e l p e d D e l t a G o o d r e m recover f r o m

cancer, p r o u d o f its o v e r s i z e d , heavily b r a n d e d Louis V u i t t o n b a g , p r o u d t h a t i t g o t b a c k t o its p r e - b a b y w e i g h t , e v e n i f i t m e a n t i g n o r i n g basic n u t r i t i o n , p r o u d t h a t it a c c e p t s f o r e i g n e r s because it iistens to ' P a p e r Planes', e v e n if it c a n ' t p r o n o u n c e her real n a m e . H a v i n g never m a d e i t b e y o n d t h e ' m y d a d i s t o u g h e r t h a n y o u r d a d ' stage of mental d e v e l o p m e n t , t h e b o g a n remains able to p r o j e c t t h e successes a n d d e s i r a b l e characteristics o f o t h e r s o n t o itself. In a c o n v e n i e n t t w i s t of e v o l u t i o n , h o w e v e r , t h e b o g a n has m a n a g e d t o retain t h e a b i l i t y t o b l a m e o t h e r s f o r all o f its o w n p e r s o n a l failures. T h e b o g a n , p r o u d o f itself, its e n o r m o u s cans, e n o r m o u s g u n s a n d e n o r m o u s sense of s e l f - w o r t h , is w e l l p r e p a r e d f o r life. It sits d o w n i n f r o n t o f t h e t e l e v i s i o n t o w a t c h Aussie Russell C r o w e i n Gladiator, w h i l e listening t o t h a t a w e s o m e Aussie b a n d , C r o w d e d House, a n d e a t i n g t h a t fantastic Aussie f o o d , V e g e m i t e . T h e b o g a n is h a p p y in its a d o p t e d c o c o o n of p r i d e .