DIVORCE: Divorce (or the dissolution of marriage) is the final termination of a marital union, canceling the legal duties

and responsibilities of marriage and dissolving the bonds of matrimony between the parties (unlike annulment, which declares the marriage null and void). Divorce laws vary considerably around the world, but in most countries it requires the sanction of a court or other authority in a legal process. The legal process of divorce may also involve issues of alimony (spousal support), child custody, child support, distribution of property, and division of debt. In most countries monogamy is required by law, so divorce allows each former partner to marry another; where polygyny is legal but polyandry is not, divorce allows the woman to marry a new husband. Divorce is the legal breakup of a marriage. Almost half of all U.S. marriages end in divorce. Like every major life change, divorce is stressful. It affects finances, living arrangements, household jobs, schedules and more. If the family includes children, they may be deeply affected.

Divorce and relationships

Research done at Northern Illinois University on Family and Child Studies suggests that divorce can have a positive effect on families due to less conflict in the home. There are, however, many instances where the parent-child relationship may suffer due to divorce. Financial support is many times lost when an adult goes through a divorce. The adult may be obligated to obtain additional work to maintain financial stability. In turn, this can lead to a negative relationship between the parent and child. The relationship may suffer due to lack of attention towards the child as well as [10] minimal parental supervision Studies have also shown that parental skills decrease after a divorce occurs; however, this effect is only a temporary change. A number of researchers have shown that a disequilibrium, including diminished parenting skills, occurs in the year following the divorce but that by two years after the [11] divorce re-stabilization has occurred and parenting skills have improved In a study done by the American Psychological Associ ation on a parents relocation after a divorce, found that a move is a long-term affect on children. In the first study done amongst 2,000 college students on the effects of parental relocation relating to the well being if their children after divorce, researchers found major differences. In divorced families where one parent moved, the students received less financial support from their parents compared with divorced families where neither parent moved. These findings also imply other negative outcomes for these students such as more distress related to the divorce and did not feel a sense of emotional support from their parents. Although the data suggests negative outcomes for these students whose parents relocate after [12] divorce, there is not enough research that can alone prove the overall well-being of the child A newer study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that parents who move more than an hour away from their children after a divorce are much less well off than those parents who stayed in the [13] same location

This is an opinion based article, written after years of working with divorcing clients. There is no scientific research to what I'm about to share, just thoughts and opinions I've gathered during my career as a Divorce Coach/Consultant. I often hear people say they are divorcing due to infidelity or "growing apart," or better yet,"Ifell out of love." I've often wondered if these people who cheat, grow in a different direction or fall out of love ever think about what got them there;to the point of divorce. How or better yet, why do people go from happily married to divorced? Something happens between these two points and it has very little to do with infidelity or falling out of love and everything to do with the two people who are a party to the marriage. The Major Causes of Divorce:

Laziness: People don't want to work at marriage. There is a misguided belief that marriage will make us happy. As if marriage is a separate entity, something outside ourselves that will survive and thrive with little input from a husband and wife. Women plan huge weddings; throw bridal showers and go into marriage not having any idea what marriage is. Men find a woman to care for, adore and work to take care of only to find himself married to someone who only wants more and then a little more after that.

What happens when both become disillusioned with their marriage? They start looking outside themselves to define the problems in the marriage instead of looking at the situation and asking, "What can I do to make things better?"

Blame seems to be the path of least resistance. It is easier to blame a spouse or marriagein general than to take responsibility for how they are living inside their marriage and what possible changes they may need to make that will allow a marriage to flourish. People are too lazy to do the self-exploration, learn better relationship skills and put the needed personal effort into a marriage. Bottom line, marriage takes hard work and if you aren't committed to working hard a marriage won't last.

Lack of Communication Skills: Pure and simple, people don't know how to talk to each other and they know even less about listening. The most important conversations people have are with a spouse yet they put so little effort into wisely expressing their feelings and openly listening to their spouse. It is also common for spouses to want to avoid conversation they fear will cause them or their spouse pain. If you can't communicate, you can't solve marital problems. The easiest way to build trust in a marital relationship is via open and honest communication skills. If TALKING andLISTENING don't become a habit there is no hope.

High Expectations:

As Sam Walton said, "High expectations are the key to everything" unless of course we are talking about marriage. Expectations and laziness can go hand in hand when it comes to predicting whether a marriage will end in divorce.

That woman who buys the expensive wedding gown probably also has very high expectations of marriage. Men and women both make a lot of assumptions when it comes to marriage and what to expect from a marriage. These

assumptions are based on many variables and problems arise when the outcome (marriage) doesn't meet the assumptions or expectations.

Marital expectations rarely align with the realities of what life is like inside marriage. I'll give you an example of unmet expectations from my own marriage. Women are taught by society that men want sex, that men think about sex and that sex is just second nature to men. According to society, if you marry a man you can expect that man to want sex with you.

I married a man who defined his own rules when it came to sex. He didn't think about sex, it was not second nature to him and since he married a woman who expected her husband to desire her sexually it goes without saying that there were problems in the marriage, problems that lead to divorce.

If he had communicated to me before marriage his lack of desire for sex I would not have married him. You see, this is where communication and expectations play a role in the outcome of marriages. Communication before marriage can keep down any unrealistic expectations one may have of marriage. In conclusion, it is my belief that divorce is not about infidelity or unhappiness. Divorce can be and is avoided by those willing to work hard at marriage, those who know how to effectively communicate and those whose expectations are realistic. Nine times out of ten if a husband or wife cheats they cheat as a result of problems in the marriage. Problems that could have been solved if the work has been done, there had been communication and realistic expectations. The same goes for those who say they "grew apart" or, "fell out of love". Marriages have to be nurtured, if not they fall victim to a myriad of problems. Are you nurturing your marriage?

Cuando la relacin descuida los detalles y la intimidad, la pareja corre el riesgo de una crisis que puede llevar a una decepcionante ruptura. Luego de algn tiempo de estar juntos, muchas parejas suelen sufrir desencantos. Segn algunos psiclogos, las relaciones pasan por varias etapas, que comienzan por un primer estado ideal, que va cambiando gradualmente, hasta finalmente alcanzar su real dimensin, cuando se ha llegado a conocer un poco ms al cnyuge.

El primer estado ideal En la primera etapa, todas las relaciones donde el amor est presente estn cargadas de emociones, expectativas, mucha fe en el futuro conyugal y una pasin tan intensa que, por una parte, impulsa a las personas a esforzarse al mximo por agradar a su compaero o compaera, aunque pueda incluir algunos sacrificios que de otra manera no seran hechos tan fcilmente, y, por otro lado, no slo se suelen opacar los defectos, sino que, en muchos casos se le agregan o aumentan cualidades que en realidad son escasas o no posedas en lo absoluto por el otro.

En la medida en que va pasando el tiempo, el roce frecuente va revelando ms rasgos de la verdadera identidad de cada cual, cambiando poco a poco la percepcin sobre la pareja, la pasin comienza a disminuir y pueden llegar a surgir sinsabores y decepciones.

Los momentos difciles en la pareja No todas las uniones reaccionan de la misma manera ante los problemas, puesto que todas las personas no son iguales, ni tienen la misma actitud ante la vida. Por eso hay matrimonios que duran hasta que la muerte los separe y otros slo un breve tiempo. Pero, vale destacar que donde hay dos, siempre van a existir diferencias, y es en esos momentos duros donde se puede conocer la habilidad individual y colectiva para enfrentar las crisis

Las dificultades en la pareja se observan cuando comienzan los reproches contra la familia, los amigos y an hacia la forma propia de conducirse.

Ciertamente, el ritmo de vida en la actualidad genera mucho estrs en las personas. Causas como la prdida de tiempo, la presin econmica y otras necesidades no resueltas, influyen mucho en el estado anmico, lo cual repercute negativamente en el hogar. Entonces, el matrimonio se ve sujeto a condiciones que no esperaba y para las que no estaba preparado.

Generalmente, al llegar la noche, sobre todo luego de aquellas jornadas agitadas, las personas se encuentran negativamente predispuestas, ariscas, ansiosas, cansadas y, al llegar a casa, caras largas esperan con incomodidad al cnyuge con un nmero considerable de quejas y lamentaciones por todo aquello que falta o requiere de la intervencin del otro.

Crece el rechazo en silencio Cuando se vuelve un hbito esta actitud en uno o ambos cnyuges y se sustituye el romance, la diversin, la pltica agradable por atender las obligaciones propias de la convivencia, comienza el rechazo en silencio. Hablar solamente de los problemas por resolver, y de dinero es dejarse atrapar en el vicioso crculo de la rutina, y perder la atmsfera de intimidad, en la cual es delicioso hablar de ilusiones compartidas, de planes inmediatos y futuros.

Entonces la comunicacin se vuelve montona y, a veces, repudiable. La unin deja de ser fuente de amor para convertirse en una sociedad de negocios que se dedica a solucionar problemas pragmticamente y no para tratar asuntos sobre el placer de estar juntos.

Como resultado, la pareja se va alejando cada vez ms, teniendo actividades por separado, y va perdiendo toda motivacin. Aparece, entonces, la decepcin; ya no es placentera la compaa del otro.

Del trago amargo a la ruptura Cuando terminan las responsabilidades diarias en el trabajo, en la escuela y an en el mismo hogar, al reunirse la pareja por la noche, suelen estn cansados y, generalmente existen todava algunos deberes domsticos. La reaccin comn de ambas partes en esos momentos es dejarle al otro esa responsabilidad, o asumirla de mala gana. Y en vez de comunicar abiertamente los problemas y las diferencias con la delicadeza necesaria y el nimo de resolverlas, comienzan las peleas y las desilusiones. Luego aparece la evasin, generalmente forzando toda atencin hacia algn programa televisivo y esto impide cualquier posible comunicacin.

Cuando la relacin se deja caer en esa lamentable inercia, en que la pareja realiza su vida independiente del otro, uno o ambos cnyuges puede sentirse excluido y desvalorado. En ese momento el rechazo y la decepcin pueden ser tan grandes que, acaso no haya remedio para evitar la separacin; la ruptura es casi inevitable.

La alternativa Si se quiere salvar la relacin, es necesario reflexionar con honestidad y empeo para encontrar el origen de la indiferencia y poder hallar una solucin. En algunos casos, la terapia de pareja puede ayudar mucho. Debe considerarse que, la vida matrimonial tiene muchos encantos y es, sin duda, una magnfica opcin.

When the relationship neglects the details and intimacy, the couple is at risk of a crisis that could lead to a disappointing break. After some time together, many couples often suffer disappointments. According to some psychologists, relationships go through several stages, beginning with a first ideal state, which

gradually changes, until finally reaching its real dimension, when it has come to know a little more to the spouse. The first ideal state In the first stage, all relationships where love is present are full of emotions, expectations, great faith in the future of marriage and a passion so intense that, on the one hand, it encourages people to do their utmost to please her partner or companion, though it may include some sacrifices that otherwise would not as easily made and, moreover, not only the defects are often obscure, but in many cases are added or actually increases qualities are scarce or not owned at all by the other. In so far as time goes, frequent rubbing will reveal more features of the true identity of each one, slowly changing the perception of the couple, the passion starts to decrease and may even arise setbacks and disappointments. The difficult moments in the couple Not all unions react the same way to the problems, because all people are not equal, nor do they have the same attitude towards life. So there are marriages that last "until death do us part" and others only a short time. But it noted that where there are two differences will always exist, and it is in these tough times where you can meet the individual and collective ability to deal with crises

The difficulties in the couple are seen when starting the reproaches against the family, friends and even the proper way to behave.

Indeed, the pace of life today a lot of stress on people. Causes such as loss of time, economic pressure and other unmet needs, greatly influence mood, which has negative consequences at home. Then the marriage is subject to conditions not expected and for which he was not prepared.

Generally, when night, especially after those tumultuous days, people are negatively predisposed, surly, anxious, tired and, upon arriving home, wait uncomfortably long faces to the spouse with a considerable number of complaints and lamentations all that is missing or requires the intervention of another.

It grows silent rejection When it becomes a habit that attitude in one or both spouses and replaced the romance, fun, friendly conversation to address the obligations of coexistence, silent rejection begins. Speaking

only of the problems to be solved, and money is to get caught in the vicious circle of the routine, and lose the atmosphere of intimacy, which is delicious talk of shared illusions of immediate and future plans.

Then the communication becomes monotonous and sometimes repudiable. The union ceases to be a source of love to become a "business partnership" that is dedicated to solving problems pragmatically and not to discuss matters on the pleasure of being together.

As a result, the couple is constantly receding again, having separate activities, and loses all motivation. It appears, then, disappointment, and not other's company pleasant.

The "bitter pill" to rupture When they finish the daily responsibilities at work, at school and even in the same household, to meet the couple at night, often tired and generally there are still some domestic duties. The common reaction of both parties at this time is to let the other that responsibility, or assume it reluctantly. And instead of communicating openly the problems and differences with the necessary tact and courage to solve them, start fights and disappointments. Then evasion appears, usually forcing all attention to some TV show and this prevents any possible communication.

When the connection is dropped on that unfortunate inertia, the couple made their lives independent of the other, one or both partners may feel excluded and devalued. At that time the rejection and disappointment can be so great that perhaps no remedy to prevent separation, the break is almost inevitable.

The alternative If you want to save the relationship, you need to think honestly and hard to find the source of indifference and to find a solution. In some cases, couples therapy can help a lot. It should be considered that married life has many charms and is certainly a great choice.