It Takes Two to Know Two: Why a Lack of Communication Destroys Marriages and Possible Solutions to the Problem Stephanie

C. Gell American Public University System

Since far back in history, communication has served as a pivotal means of survival for the human race. Without communication, it is not possible to know what is required to function or thrive successfully as a society, among communities, and among individual families. As this is the case, it should come as no surprise that open communication plays a crucial role in the successful survival of marriages, with lack of communication serving a primary role in the steady rise of divorce. With the advancement of communication technology which provides easier access to meeting or keeping in contact with the outside world in a not always positive yet increasingly private way, and during the evolution in social standards regarding proper preparation for what is meant to be a lifelong commitment between two people, along with the diversity of individual views and expectations without proper expression of these views, marriage faces more challenges than in former years. However, with the right preparation and outlook, proper utilization of methods of communication, and a commitment to achieving life goals established for the mutual benefit of both individuals, the possibility for less divorces can become a likelihood rather than a chance, and many marriages can both be entered into and repaired in a way that will lead to lifelong matrimonial success. Perhaps one of the largest factors playing a part in the disruption of communication between married couples is the easy access to advanced methods of technological

communication with the outside world through mobile devices or social media. While these resources have positively facilitated the building of important networks and connections in regards to career, education, and keeping in touch with relatives and friends, the ease of meeting others through these sources is a double-edged sword. During times when efforts should be made to focus on family or on resolving issues with a spouse, many find themselves escaping the various conflicts of marriage through communications with other people. One CNN Health article written by a sexuality counselor and New York Times best-selling author, states that when a person shares themselves with an outside source, it starts to build a foundation for a new relationship at the cost of a present relationship, and that these behaviors lead to each individual person confiding more in friends than in their partner (Kerner, 2011). The instant gratification that can be received through social media outlets, as well as the safety of distance, i.e., the security of being behind a computer or cell phone, can lead to a person feeling both less reserved and more inclined to become attached to an artificial sense of intimacy, with the thrill of secrecy serving as an attractive suppressant to the realization of potentially inappropriate behavior (Kerner, 2011). Also, social media outlets have allowed for more of a quantity-as-opposed-toquality approach in regards to relationships. It is clear that while technology can provide great resources in many regards, sometimes those resources can be detrimental to marriages and to the communications necessary to make marriage work. Another issue regarding poor communication between married couples stems from a lack of maturity and preparations taken before a couple gets married. People who get married at a younger, less experienced age tend to have greater marital issues further down the road than those who wait to figure out who they are as a person and what they are truly looking for in life. Statistics further support this claim, as it was reported that in 2011, the greatest percentage of

divorces in the United States took place among men and women who married between the ages of 20 and 24, with 36.6% of women and 38.8% who got married during this age bracket turning to divorce (divorcerate.org, 2011). As mentioned before, at a young age, men and women are still trying to figure out who they are, and this can clearly hinder ones ability to make known who they are and what they want out of life, much less figure these questions out about other individuals. Despite this fact, some couples rush into marriage regardless, whether it is because they simply wish to obtain the status of marriage, or because they believe they know who their potential partner is in regards to personality and life goals, or that these pivotal relationship factors can be figured out together at a later time. Further, people grow in time and these changes are not always openly expressed or communicated in a successful manner, leaving one individual unaware of a change in goals or desires of another. Finally, some individuals completely disregard a difference in goals and personality and choose to focus solely on their physical attraction to a person. All of these factors do not encourage a promising future for a relationship let alone a marriage. The idea that there will be struggles down the road requiring commitment and determination of both married individuals has become somewhat of a foreign concept in todays society. The current culture communicates the idea of doing what feels good at the time, and implies that marriage is always a happily ever after institution with no conflicts or hurdles to overcome. Unfortunately, couples both young and old face the truth of this matter with surprise, regret, or even resentment of their chosen partner when problems arise. In addition, the fact that divorce has become increasingly common in society has led to somewhat of a desensitization towards both the significance of marriage and the gravity of divorce, especially when there are children involved, that has further discouraged couples to truly get to know one another or to

successfully communicate with the intention of making a marriage work. It would seem that both the popular ideology of casual divorce communicated by society, as well as the needs and goals of individuals which are not communicated among couples, play an important role in the failure of todays marriages. Despite failures in behaviors or lack of actions that have led to a rise in divorce, there are steps that can be taken regarding communication that could help to prevent couples from seeking an end to their commitment to one another. Young people should be encouraged to take their time entering into relationships which warrant potential matrimonial outcomes, and the importance of open communication should be continuously stressed. Both speaking and listening are important in communicating effectively, but it is also important to consider that what one hears may not necessarily be what another is trying to say. Further focus on selecting partners who hold like-minded opinions, possess similar personalities and goals, and who seemingly know how to communicate effectively with those they care about are all ways to improve the chances of a successful marriage. In regards to social media, limits should be set between couples regarding what is or is not discussed with others regarding emotional, financial, or physical topics, all of which have played a part in marital conflicts. Also, couples should agree to remain transparent with their partner in regards to what is discussed with others through social media. While it is important to have time alone for oneself or for activities that ones partner may not be interested in, there is an important balance which must be met so that both the individual and the couple are satisfied. If there is a need or desire to talk with someone else, a mutual friend or mental health professional would serve as a better choice, rather than an outsider with possible ulterior motives or who promotes the idea of escape to married individuals. Because there is an obvious security felt

behind the figurative distance that written correspondence provides, one might consider simply writing to their significant other about things they find troublesome if they are afraid to speak about these issues. The development of various communication mediums was established to promote dialogue, and married couples should focus on whose opinions truly matter, who is ultimately important to communicate with in their lives, and which method is best to do so. Ultimately, the resolution of communication issues can lead to the survival and success of a marriage deemed unsuccessful or that is on the verge of divorce. Taking steps to learn how to effectively communicate with a partner while considering the particular needs of each individual, can allow for the understanding of why individuals feel the way they do, and can ultimately lead to actions which can change an undesired behavior, or similarly, incite the start of behaviors which were felt to be lacking previously. How a person says something is as important as what is being said, and proper interpretation can be accomplished by communicating openly and clearly and also listening with an open mind and heart. There is nothing left to question when partners openly and honestly communicate with one another, and because of this, individuals wont be looking for answers elsewhere. References Divorce Rate. (2012). [Percentage illustration of United States divorce rates in 2011 based upon age when married]. Divorce Rate. Retrieved from http://www.divorcerate.org/ Kerner, I. (2011). Emotional affairs: how facebook leads to infidelity. The Chart. Retrieved from http://thechart.blogs.cnn.com/2011/03/03/e-motional-affairs-how-facebook-leads-toinfidelity/