AL5O BY PAuLO COELEO

7bo A|cbomlst
7bo Pl|grlmogo
7bo Vo|kyrlos
By tbo Rlvor Plooro l 5ot Lowo ooo opt
7bo lltb Voootolo
Voroolko Locloos to Llo
orrlor o tbo Llgbt. A Voooo|
E|ovoo Vlootos
7bo Zoblr
7bo Lovl| ooo Vlss Prym
7bo ltcb o Portobo||o
Brloo
7bo looor 5tooos A|ooo
1|l3 l3 A 3OlZOl 3OOK
lU3ll3|E0 3Y Al|lE0 A. KlOl|
7roos|otloo copyrlgbt O 2011 by Vorgorot 1o|| Costo
A|| r|ghts rosorvod. lub||shod |n tho Un|tod 3tatos by
A|trod A. Knopt, a d|v|s|on ot landom |ouso, lnc., low York,
and |n Canada by landom |ouso ot
Canada l|m|tod, 1oronto.
www.aaknopt.com
Or|g|na||y pub||shod |n 3raz|| as O A|opb by 3oxtanto, l|o do
1ano|ro, |n 2010. Copyr|ght t 2010 by lau|o Coo|ho.
Vap by 1ohn G||kos
Knopt, 3orzo| 3ooks, and tho co|ophon aro
rog|storod tradomarks ot landom |ouso, lnc.
l|brary ot Congross Cata|og|ng-|n-lub||cat|on 0ata
Coo|ho, lau|o.
[A|oph. Eng||sh|
A|oph / by lau|o Coo|ho, trans|atod by Vargarot 1u||
Costa.-1st Amor|can od.
p. cm.
1h|s |s a 3orzo| book.'
ol33l: 078-0-807-0b701-0
l. Costa, Vargarot 1u||. ll. 1|t|o.
lO0008.18.O8b40A4418 2011
800.8'42-dc22 2011021088
1h|s |s a work ot t|ct|on. lamos, charactors, p|acos, and
|nc|donts o|thor aro tho product ot tho author's |mag|nat|on
or aro usod t|ct|t|ous|y. Any rosomb|anco to actua| porsons,
||v|ng or doad, ovonts, or |oca|os |s ont|ro|y co|nc|donta|.
1ackot dos|gn by Katya Vozh|bovskaya
v8.1
O Vary, conco|vod w|thout s|n, pray tor thoso who turn to you. Amon.
A corta|n nob|oman wont |nto a tar country, to roco|vo tor h|mso|t a k|ngdom, and to roturn.
-luko 10:12
lor 1., wbo koops mo wo|klog,
5.1., wbo cootlooos to protoct mo,
ll|o|, or bor woros o orglvoooss
lo tbo cborcb lo Novoslblrsk
Contonta
Covor
Otbor Books by 7bls Aotbor
7lt|o Pogo
Copyrlgbt
Loolcotloo
Eplgropb
K|ng ot Vy K|ngdom
Ch|noso 3amboo
1ho 3trangor's lantorn
lt a Co|d W|nd 3|ows
3har|ng 3ou|s
0,288
|||a|'s Eyos
1ho lpat|ov |ouso
1ho A|oph
0roamors Can lovor 3o 1amod
l|ko 1oars |n tho la|n
1ho Ch|cago ot 3|bor|a
1ho lath ot loaco
1ho l|ng ot ||ro
3o||ovo Evon Whon lo Ono E|so 3o||ovos |n You
1oa loavos
1ho ||tth Woman
Ad Ext|rpanda
loutra||z|ng Enorgy W|thout Vov|ng a Vusc|o
1ho Go|don loso
1ho Eag|o ot 3a|ka|
|oar ot |oar
1ho C|ty
1ho 1o|ophono Ca||
1ho 3ou| ot 1urkoy
Voscow, 1uno 1, 2000
Aotbor`s Noto
Rooolog Oroop Ooloo
A Noto Aboot tbo Aotbor
1ho A|oph was about two to throo cont|motros |n d|amotor, but a|| ot cosm|c spaco was thoro, w|th no
d|m|nut|on |n s|zo. Each th|ng was |nt|n|to, bocauso l cou|d c|oar|y soo |t trom ovory po|nt on tho
un|vorso.
-1orgo lu|s 3orgos, 7bo A|opb
7boo koowost o||-l coooot soo.
l trost l sbo|| oot |lvo lo volo,
l koow tbot wo sbo|| moot ogolo,
lo somo olvloo otorolty.
-Oscar W||do,
1ho 1ruo Know|odgo'
King ot Ny Kingdom
O|, lO, lO1 AlO1|El ll1UAl! lot anothor |nvocat|on |ntondod to mako tho |nv|s|b|o torcos man|tost |n tho
v|s|b|o wor|d! What has that got to do w|th tho wor|d wo ||vo |n today? Graduatos |oavo un|vors|ty and can't
t|nd a job. O|d poop|o roach rot|romont and havo a|most noth|ng to ||vo on. Grown-ups havo no t|mo to
droam, strugg||ng trom n|no to t|vo to support tho|r tam|||os and pay tor tho|r ch||dron's oducat|on, a|ways
bump|ng up aga|nst tho th|ng wo a|| know as harsh roa||ty.'
1ho wor|d has novor boon as d|v|dod as |t |s now, what w|th ro||g|ous wars, gonoc|dos, a |ack ot rospoct
tor tho p|anot, oconom|c cr|sos, dopross|on, povorty, w|th ovoryono want|ng |nstant so|ut|ons to at |oast
somo ot tho wor|d's prob|oms or tho|r own. And th|ngs |ook on|y b|oakor as wo hoad |nto tho tuturo.
What am l do|ng horo, try|ng to mako my way |n a sp|r|tua| trad|t|on whoso roots aro |n tho romoto past,
tar trom a|| tho cha||ongos ot tho prosont momont?
.
AlOlG Wl1| 1., whom l ca|| my Vastor, a|though l'm bog|nn|ng to havo doubts about that, l am wa|k|ng toward
tho sacrod oak troo, wh|ch, tor moro than t|vo hundrod yoars, has stood thoro, |mpass|vo|y contomp|at|ng
human|ty's woos, |ts ono concorn bo|ng to surrondor |ts |oavos |n w|ntor and rocovor thom |n spr|ng.
l can't stand to wr|to any moro about my ro|at|onsh|p w|th 1., my gu|do |n tho 1rad|t|on. l havo dozons ot
d|ar|os tu|| ot notos ot our convorsat|ons, wh|ch l novor bothor to roroad. 3|nco our t|rst moot|ng |n
Amstordam, |n 1082, l havo |oarnod and un|oarnod how to ||vo hundrods ot t|mos. Whonovor 1. toachos mo
somoth|ng now, l th|nk that porhaps th|s w||| bo tho |ast stop roqu|rod to roach tho top ot tho mounta|n, tho
noto that just|t|os a who|o symphony, tho word that sums up an ont|ro book. l go through a por|od ot
ouphor|a, wh|ch gradua||y d|ss|patos. 3omo th|ngs stay torovor, but most ot tho oxorc|sos, pract|cos, and
toach|ngs ond up d|sappoar|ng down a b|ack ho|o. Or so |t sooms.
1|E GlOUl0 l3 WE1. lt occurs to mo that my snoakors, mot|cu|ous|y washod two days botoro, w||| soon bo
covorod |n mud aga|n, howovor carotu||y l troad. Vy soarch tor w|sdom, poaco ot m|nd, and an awaronoss
ot roa||t|os v|s|b|o and |nv|s|b|o has bocomo rout|no and po|nt|oss. l bogan my appront|cosh|p |n mag|c
whon l was twonty-two. l to||owod var|ous paths, wa|kod a|ong tho vory odgo ot tho abyss tor many yoars,
s||ppod and to||, gavo up and startod a|| ovor aga|n. l |mag|nod that by tho t|mo l roachod tho ago ot t|tty-
n|no, l wou|d bo c|oso to parad|so and to tho abso|uto poaco l thought l cou|d soo |n tho sm||os ot 3uddh|st
monks.
ln tact, l soom to bo turthor trom ach|ov|ng that than ovor. l'm not at poaco-now and thon l go through
por|ods ot |nnor cont||ct that can pors|st tor months-and tho t|mos whon l |mmorso myso|t |n somo mag|ca|
roa||ty |ast on|y soconds, just |ong onough to know that anothor wor|d ox|sts, and |ong onough to |oavo mo
trustratod bocauso l can't absorb ovoryth|ng l |oarn.
Wo arr|vo.
Whon tho r|tua| |s ovor, l'|| havo a sor|ous ta|k w|th h|m. Wo both p|aco our hands on tho trunk ot tho
sacrod oak.
1. 3AY3 A 3U|l llAYEl.
O Ooo, wboo l |lstoo to tbo volcos o oolmo|s, tbo soooos o troos, tbo mormorlogs o wotor, tbo sloglog
o blros, tbo wblst|log o tbo wloo, or tbo boom o tboooor, l soo lo tbom ovloooco o Yoor oolty, l oo| tbot
Yoo oro sopromo powor, omolsclooco, sopromo koow|oogo, ooo sopromo jostlco.
l rocogolzo Yoo, O Ooo, lo tbo trlo|s l om golog tbroogb. Voy Yoor p|oosoro bo my p|oosoro, too. Voy l
bo Yoor joy, tbo joy tbot o lotbor oo|s or o soo. Aoo moy l tblok o Yoo co|m|y ooo wltb ootormlootloo,
ovoo wboo l loo lt boro to soy l |ovo Yoo.'
Usua||y, at th|s po|nt, l wou|d too|-tor on|y a tract|on ot a socond, but that's a|ways onough-tho Ono
lrosonco that movos tho 3un and tho Earth and onsuros that tho stars roma|n |n tho|r p|acos. 3ut l don't too|
||ko ta|k|ng to tho Un|vorso today, l just want tho man at my s|do to g|vo mo tho answors l nood.
|E lEVOvE3 |l3 |Al03 trom tho troo trunk, and l do tho samo. |o sm||os at mo, and l roturn h|s sm||o. Wo
mako our way, |n s||onco, unhurr|od|y, back to my houso, whoro wo s|t on tho voranda and dr|nk cottoo, st|||
w|thout ta|k|ng.
l |ook at tho hugo troo |n tho m|dd|o ot my gardon, w|th a r|bbon t|od around |ts trunk, p|acod thoro attor a
droam l had. l am |n tho ham|ot ot 3a|nt Vart|n, |n tho |ronch lyronoos, |n a houso l now rogrot hav|ng
bought, bocauso |t has ondod up own|ng mo, domand|ng my prosonco whonovor poss|b|o bocauso |t
noods somoono to |ook attor |t, to koop |ts onorgy a||vo.
l can't ovo|vo any turthor,' l say, ta|||ng, as a|ways, |nto tho trap ot bo|ng tho t|rst to spoak. l th|nk l'vo
roachod my ||m|t.'
1hat's tunny. l'vo boon try|ng a|| my ||to to t|nd out what my ||m|ts aro and havo novor roachod thom yot.
3ut thon my un|vorso doosn't roa||y ho|p, |t koops oxpand|ng and won't a||ow mo to know |t ont|ro|y,' says 1.,
provocat|vo|y.
|o's bo|ng |ron|c, but l koop ta|k|ng.
Why d|d you como horo today? 1o try and conv|nco mo that l'm wrong, as usua|. You can say what you
||ko, but words won't chango anyth|ng. l'm not happy.'
1hat's oxact|y why l camo. l'vo boon awaro ot what's boon go|ng on tor somo t|mo now, but thoro |s
a|ways a r|ght momont to act,' says 1., p|ck|ng up a poar trom tho tab|o and turn|ng |t ovor |n h|s hands. lt
wo had spokon botoro, you wou|d not havo boon r|po. lt wo woro to ta|k |ator, you wou|d havo rottod.' |o
b|tos |nto tho poar, savor|ng tho tasto. lortoct. 1ho r|ght momont.'
l'm t|||od w|th doubt, ospoc|a||y about my ta|th,' l say.
Good. lt's doubt that dr|vos a man onward.'
3omohow tho usua| apt rosponsos and |magos aron't work|ng today.
l'm go|ng to to|| you what you too|,' 1. says. You too| that noth|ng you havo |oarnod has put down roots,
that wh||o you'ro capab|o ot ontor|ng tho mag|ca| un|vorso, you cannot roma|n submorgod |n |t. You too| that
a|| ot th|s may bo noth|ng but a tantasy droamod up by poop|o to tond ott tho|r toar ot doath.'
Vy quost|ons go doopor than that, thoy aro doubts about my ta|th. l havo on|y ono corta|nty: thoro ox|sts a
para||o| sp|r|tua| un|vorso that |mp|ngos on tho wor|d |n wh|ch wo ||vo. Apart trom that, ovoryth|ng o|so sooms
absurd to mo-sacrod books, rovo|at|ons, gu|dos, manua|s, coromon|os . and, what |s worso, thoy appoar
to havo no |ast|ng ottocts.
l'm go|ng to to|| you what l onco to|t,' 1. adds. Whon l was young, l was dazz|od by a|| tho th|ngs ||to cou|d
ottor mo. l thought l was capab|o ot ach|ov|ng a|| ot thom. Whon l got marr|od, l had to chooso just ono path,
bocauso l noodod to support tho woman l |ovo and my ch||dron. Whon l was torty-t|vo and a h|gh|y succosstu|
oxocut|vo, l saw my ch||dron grow up and |oavo homo, and l thought that trom thon on, ovoryth|ng wou|d bo a
moro ropot|t|on ot what l had a|roady oxpor|oncod. 1hat was whon my sp|r|tua| soarch bogan. l'm a
d|sc|p||nod man, and l put a|| my onorg|os |nto that. l wont through por|ods ot onthus|asm and unbo||ot, unt|| l
roachod tho stago you aro at now.'
look, 1., dosp|to a|| my ottorts, l st||| can't honost|y say that l too| c|osor to God and to myso|t,' l to|| h|m,
w|th baro|y concoa|od oxasporat|on.
1hat's bocauso, ||ko ovoryono o|so on tho p|anot, you bo||ovod that t|mo wou|d toach you to grow c|osor
to God. 3ut t|mo doosn't toach, |t moro|y br|ngs us a sonso ot woar|noss and ot grow|ng o|dor.'
1ho oak troo |n my gardon appoars to bo |ook|ng at mo now. lt must bo moro than tour hundrod yoars o|d,
and tho on|y th|ng |t has |oarnod |s to stay |n ono p|aco.
Why d|d wo go and portorm that r|tua| around that othor oak troo? |ow doos that ho|p us bocomo bottor
human bo|ngs?'
lroc|so|y bocauso most poop|o don't portorm r|tua|s around oak troos anymoro, and bocauso by
portorm|ng apparont|y absurd r|tua|s, you got |n touch w|th somoth|ng doop |n your sou|, |n tho o|dost part ot
yourso|t, tho part c|osost to tho or|g|n ot ovoryth|ng.'
1hat's truo. l askod a quost|on to wh|ch l a|roady know tho answor and roco|vod tho answor l was
oxpoct|ng. l shou|d mako bottor uso ot h|s company.
lt's t|mo to |oavo,' says 1. abrupt|y.
l |ook at tho c|ock. l to|| h|m that tho a|rport |s noarby and that wo can cont|nuo ta|k|ng tor a wh||o |ongor.
1hat |sn't what l moan. Whon l wont through what you'ro oxpor|onc|ng now, l tound tho answor |n
somoth|ng that had happonod botoro l was born. 1hat's what l'm suggost|ng you do now.'
lo|ncarnat|on? 3ut ho had a|ways d|scouragod mo trom v|s|t|ng past ||vos.
l'vo boon back |nto tho past a|roady. l |oarnod how to do that botoro l mot you. Wo'vo ta|kod botoro about
how l saw two |ncarnat|ons, ono as a |ronch wr|tor |n tho n|notoonth contury and ono-'
Yos, l know.'
l mado m|stakos thon that l can't put r|ght now. And you to|d mo novor to go back aga|n, bocauso |t wou|d
on|y |ncroaso my sonso ot gu||t. 1ravo||ng to past ||vos |s ||ko mak|ng a ho|o |n tho t|oor and |ott|ng tho t|amos
ot tho t|ro |n tho apartmont bo|ow scorch and burn tho prosont.'
1. throws what roma|ns ot h|s poar to tho b|rds |n tho gardon and |ooks at mo w|th somo |rr|tat|on.
lt you don't stop spout|ng such nonsonso, l m|ght start bo||ov|ng that you'ro r|ght and that you roa||y
havon't |oarnod anyth|ng dur|ng tho twonty-tour yoars wo'vo boon togothor.'
l know what ho moans. ln mag|c-and |n ||to-thoro |s on|y tho prosont momont, tho oow. You can't
moasuro t|mo tho way you moasuro tho d|stanco botwoon two po|nts. 1|mo' doosn't pass. Wo human
bo|ngs havo onormous d|tt|cu|ty |n tocus|ng on tho prosont, wo'ro a|ways th|nk|ng about what wo d|d, about
how wo cou|d havo dono |t bottor, about tho consoquoncos ot our act|ons, and about why wo d|dn't act as
wo shou|d havo. Or o|so wo th|nk about tho tuturo, about what wo'ro go|ng to do tomorrow, what procaut|ons
wo shou|d tako, what dangors awa|t us around tho noxt cornor, how to avo|d what wo don't want and how to
got what wo havo a|ways droamod ot.
1. takos up tho convorsat|on aga|n.
l|ght horo and now, you aro bog|nn|ng to wondor: |s thoro roa||y somoth|ng wrong? Yos, thoro |s. 3ut at
th|s proc|so momont, you a|so roa||zo that you can chango your tuturo by br|ng|ng tho past |nto tho prosont.
last and tuturo ox|st on|y |n our momory. 1ho prosont momont, though, |s outs|do ot t|mo, |t's Etorn|ty. ln
lnd|a, thoy uso tho word 'karma,' tor |ack ot any bottor torm. 3ut |t's a concopt that's raro|y g|von a propor
oxp|anat|on. lt |sn't what you d|d |n tho past that w||| attoct tho prosont. lt's what you do |n tho prosont that w|||
rodoom tho past and thoroby chango tho tuturo.'
3o .'
|o pausos, bocom|ng |ncroas|ng|y |rr|tatod at my |nab|||ty to grasp what ho's try|ng to oxp|a|n to mo.
1horo's no po|nt s|tt|ng horo, us|ng words that moan noth|ng. Go and oxpor|mont. lt's t|mo you got out ot
horo. Go and ro-conquor your k|ngdom, wh|ch has grown corruptod by rout|no. 3top ropoat|ng tho samo
|osson, bocauso you won't |oarn anyth|ng now that way.'
lt's not rout|no that's tho prob|om. l'm s|mp|y not happy.'
1hat's what l moan by rout|no. You th|nk that you ox|st bocauso you'ro unhappy. Othor poop|o ox|st
moro|y as a tunct|on ot tho|r prob|oms and spond a|| tho|r t|mo ta|k|ng compu|s|vo|y about tho|r ch||dron, tho|r
w|vos and husbands, schoo|, work, tr|onds. 1hoy novor stop to th|nk: l'm horo. l am tho rosu|t ot ovoryth|ng
that happonod and w||| happon, but l'm horo. lt l d|d somoth|ng wrong, l can put |t r|ght or at |oast ask
torg|vonoss. lt l d|d somoth|ng r|ght, that |oavos mo happ|or and moro connoctod w|th tho now.'
1. takos a doop broath, thon conc|udos.
You'ro not horo anymoro. You'vo got to |oavo |n ordor to roturn to tho prosont.'
l1 WA3 A3 l |A0 |EAlE0. |or a wh||o now, ho has boon dropp|ng h|nts that |t was t|mo l sot ott on tho th|rd
sacrod road. Vy ||to has changod a |ot s|nco tho tar-ott yoar ot 1080, whon my p||gr|mago to 3ant|ago do
Composto|a brought mo taco-to-taco w|th my dost|ny, or God's p|an.' 1hroo yoars |ator, l to||owod tho so-
ca||od load to lomo, |n tho aroa whoro wo woro now, |t was a pa|ntu|, tod|ous procoss |ast|ng sovonty
days, and wh|ch |nvo|vod mo onact|ng, oach morn|ng, a|| tho absurd th|ngs l had droamod about tho n|ght
botoro. (l romombor stand|ng at a bus stop tor tour who|o hours, dur|ng wh|ch noth|ng ot any |mportanco
happonod.)
3|nco thon, l havo dono ovoryth|ng that my work domandod ot mo. Attor a||, |t was my cho|co and my
b|oss|ng. l startod travo||ng ||ko a mad th|ng. 1ho groat |ossons l |oarnod had boon proc|so|y thoso that my
journoys had taught mo.
Wo||, tho truth |s, l'vo a|ways travo|od ||ko a mad th|ng, ovor s|nco l was young. locont|y, though, l soom to
bo spond|ng my ||to |n a|rports and hoto|s, and any sonso ot advonturo has rap|d|y g|von way to protound
tod|um. Whon l comp|a|nod that l novor stayod |n ono p|aco tor vory |ong, poop|o woro horr|t|od: 3ut |t's
groat to travo|. l w|sh l had tho monoy to do what you'ro do|ng!'
1ravo| |s novor a mattor ot monoy but ot courago. l spont a |argo part ot my youth travo||ng tho wor|d as a
h|pp|o, and what monoy d|d l havo thon? lono. l baro|y had onough to pay tor my taro, but l st||| cons|dor
thoso to havo boon tho bost yoars ot my youth: oat|ng bad|y, s|oop|ng |n tra|n stat|ons, unab|o to
commun|cato bocauso l d|dn't know tho |anguago, bo|ng torcod to dopond on othors just tor somowhoro to
spond tho n|ght.
Attor wooks on tho road, ||ston|ng to a |anguago you don't undorstand, us|ng a curroncy whoso va|uo you
don't comprohond, wa|k|ng down stroots you'vo novor wa|kod down botoro, you d|scovor that your o|d l,'
a|ong w|th ovoryth|ng you ovor |oarnod, |s abso|uto|y no uso at a|| |n tho taco ot thoso now cha||ongos, and
you bog|n to roa||zo that bur|od doop |n your unconsc|ous m|nd thoro |s somoono much moro |ntorost|ng
and advonturous and moro opon to tho wor|d and to now oxpor|oncos.
1hon thoro comos a day whon you say: Enough!'
Enough!' l say. 1ravo||ng, tor mo, has bocomo just a monotonous rout|no.'
lo, |t's not onough, |t novor w||| bo,' says 1. Our ||to |s a constant journoy, trom b|rth to doath. 1ho
|andscapo changos, tho poop|o chango, our noods chango, but tho tra|n koops mov|ng. l|to |s tho tra|n, not
tho stat|on. And what you'ro do|ng now |sn't travo||ng, |t's just chang|ng countr|os, wh|ch |s comp|oto|y
d|ttoront.'
l shako my hoad. lt won't ho|p. lt l nood to put r|ght a m|stako |n anothor ||to and l'm doop|y awaro ot that
m|stako, l can do that horo. ln that pr|son co||, l was just oboy|ng tho ordors ot somoono who soomod to
know God's w|||: you. 3os|dos, l'vo a|roady askod torg|vonoss ot at |oast tour poop|o.'
3ut you'vo novor tound tho naturo ot tho curso p|acod on you.'
You woro cursod, too, at tho t|mo. 0|d you t|nd out what |t was?'
Yos, l d|d. And l can guarantoo that |t was tar harshor than yours. You comm|ttod just ono coward|y dood,
wh||o l actod unta|r|y many t|mos. 3ut that d|scovory trood mo.'
lt l nood to travo| |n t|mo, why do l havo to travo| |n spaco as wo||?'
1. |aughs. 3ocauso wo a|| havo tho poss|b|||ty ot rodompt|on, but tor that to happon, wo havo to sook out
tho poop|o wo harmod and ask tho|r torg|vonoss.'
3o whoro shou|d l go? 1o 1orusa|om?'
l don't know. Whorovor you aro comm|ttod to go|ng. ||nd out what you havo |ott unt|n|shod, and comp|oto
tho task. God w||| gu|do you, bocauso ovoryth|ng you ovor oxpor|oncod or w||| oxpor|onco |s |n tho horo and
now. 1ho wor|d |s bo|ng croatod and dostroyod |n th|s vory momont. Whoovor you mot w||| roappoar,
whoovor you |ost w||| roturn. 0on't botray tho graco that was bostowod on you. Undorstand what |s go|ng on
|ns|do you and you w||| undorstand what |s go|ng on |ns|do ovoryono o|so. 0on't |mag|no that l camo to br|ng
poaco. l camo w|th a sword.'
l'V 31Al0llG ll 1|E lAll, 3|lvElllG, and my t|rst thought |s: l'm go|ng to catch tho t|u.' l conso|o myso|t by
th|nk|ng that ovory doctor l'vo ovor mot has assurod mo that t|u |s causod by a v|rus, not by drops ot wator.
l can't stay |n tho horo and now, my hoad |s wh|r||ng: Whoro shou|d l a|m tor? Whoro shou|d l go? And
what |t l don't rocogn|zo tho poop|o on my path? 1hat must havo happonod botoro and |s bound to happon
aga|n, |t |t hadn't, my sou| wou|d bo at poaco.
Attor t|tty-n|no yoars ot ||v|ng w|th myso|t, l can prod|ct at |oast somo ot my roact|ons. Whon l t|rst mot 1.,
h|s words soomod to bo t|||od w|th a ||ght much br|ghtor than ho h|mso|t. l accoptod ovoryth|ng w|thout
quost|on, l wa|kod toar|oss|y ahoad and novor onco rogrottod |t. 3ut t|mo passod, wo got to know oach
othor, and w|th tam|||ar|ty camo hab|t. |o had novor |ot mo down |n any way, but l cou|dn't soo h|m now w|th
qu|to tho samo oyos. Evon though, out ot duty, l had to oboy h|s words-wh|ch l wou|d havo dono g|ad|y |n
3optombor ot 1002, ton yoars attor l mot h|m-l no |ongor d|d so w|th tho samo conv|ct|on.
l am wrong. lt was my cho|co to to||ow th|s mag|ca| 1rad|t|on, so why quost|on |t now. l'm troo to abandon
|t whonovor l w|sh, but somoth|ng dr|vos mo on. |o's probab|y r|ght, but l'vo got usod to tho ||to l |oad and l
don't nood any moro cha||ongos. l nood poaco.
l shou|d bo a happy man: l'm succosstu| |n my choson, h|gh|y compot|t|vo protoss|on, l'vo boon marr|od
tor twonty-sovon yoars to tho woman l |ovo, l onjoy good hoa|th, l ||vo surroundod by poop|o l can trust, l'm
a|ways grootod w|th attoct|on by my roadors whon l moot thom |n tho stroot. 1horo was a t|mo whon that was
onough, but thoso |ast two yoars, noth|ng sooms to sat|sty mo.
ls |t just a pass|ng anx|oty? Won't |t bo onough just to say tho usua| prayors, rospoct naturo as |t |t woro
tho vo|co ot God, and contomp|ato tho boauty around mo? Why go torward |t l'm conv|ncod that l'vo roachod
my ||m|t?
by coo`t l bo |lko my rlooos
1ho ra|n |s ta|||ng ovor hardor, and a|| l can hoar |s tho sound ot tho wator. l'm dronchod, but l can't movo. l
don't want to |oavo, bocauso l don't know whoro to go. 1. |s r|ght. l'm |ost. lt l roa||y had roachod my ||m|t, th|s
too||ng ot gu||t and trustrat|on wou|d havo passod, but |t's st||| thoro. |oar and tromb||ng. Whon a sonso ot
d|ssat|stact|on pors|sts, that moans |t was p|acod thoro by God tor ono roason on|y: you nood to chango
ovoryth|ng and movo torward.
l'vo boon through th|s botoro. Whonovor l rotusod to to||ow my tato, somoth|ng vory hard to boar wou|d
happon |n my ||to. And that |s my groat toar at tho momont, that somo tragody w||| occur. 1ragody a|ways
br|ngs about rad|ca| chango |n our ||vos, a chango that |s assoc|atod w|th tho samo pr|nc|p|o: |oss. Whon
tacod by any |oss, thoro's no po|nt |n try|ng to rocovor what has boon, |t's bost to tako advantago ot tho |argo
spaco that opons up botoro us and t||| |t w|th somoth|ng now. ln thoory, ovory |oss |s tor our own good, |n
pract|co, though, that |s whon wo quost|on tho ox|stonco ot God and ask ourso|vos: bot olo l oo to
oosorvo tbls
Loro, prosorvo mo rom trogooy ooo l wl|| o||ow Yoor ooslros.
1ho momont l th|nk th|s, thoro |s a groat crack ot thundor and tho sky |s ||t up by a t|ash ot ||ghtn|ng.
Aga|n, toar and tromb||ng. A s|gn. |oro l am, try|ng to porsuado myso|t that l a|ways g|vo tho bost ot
myso|t, and naturo |s to|||ng mo oxact|y tho oppos|to: anyono tru|y comm|ttod to ||to novor stops wa|k|ng.
|oavon and Earth aro moot|ng |n a storm that, whon |t's ovor, w||| |oavo tho a|r puror and tho t|o|ds tort||o, but
botoro that happons, housos w||| bo dostroyod, contur|os-o|d troos w||| topp|o, parad|sos w||| bo t|oodod.
A yo||ow shapo approachos.
l surrondor myso|t to tho ra|n. 1horo's moro ||ghtn|ng, but my too||ng ot ho|p|ossnoss |s bo|ng rop|acod by
somoth|ng pos|t|vo, as |t my sou| woro gradua||y bo|ng washod c|oan by tho wator ot torg|vonoss.
B|oss ooo yoo wl|| bo b|ossoo.
1ho words omorgo natura||y trom mo-a w|sdom l d|dn't know l had, wh|ch l know doos not bo|ong to mo
but wh|ch appoars somot|mos and stops mo trom doubt|ng ovoryth|ng l havo |oarnod ovor tho yoars.
Vy groat prob|om |s th|s: dosp|to such momonts, l cont|nuo to doubt.
1ho yo||ow shapo |s thoro botoro mo. lt's my w|to, woar|ng ono ot tho gar|sh capos wo uso whon wo go
wa|k|ng |n romoto parts ot tho mounta|ns. lt wo got |ost, wo'|| bo oasy to t|nd.
|avo you torgotton that wo'ro go|ng out to suppor ton|ght?'
lo, l havon't torgotton. l abandon un|vorsa| motaphys|cs, |n wh|ch thundor c|aps aro tho vo|cos ot tho
gods, and roturn to tho roa||ty ot a prov|nc|a| town and a suppor ot good w|no, roast |amb, and tho choortu|
convorsat|on ot tr|onds, who w||| to|| us about tho|r rocont advonturos on tho|r |ar|oy-0av|dson. l go back
homo to chango my c|othos and g|vo my w|to a br|ot summary ot my convorsat|on w|th 1. that attornoon.
0|d ho to|| you whoro you shou|d go?' sho asks.
|o to|d mo to mako a comm|tmont.'
And |s that so vory hard? 3top bo|ng so d|tt|cu|t. You'ro act|ng ||ko an o|d man.'
|ElvE Al0 vElOllOUE havo |nv|tod two othor guosts, a m|dd|o-agod |ronch coup|o. Ono ot thom |s
|ntroducod as a c|a|rvoyant,' whom thoy mot |n Vorocco.
1ho man sooms no|thor p|oasant nor unp|oasant, moro|y absont. 1hon, |n tho m|dd|o ot suppor, as |t ho
had ontorod a k|nd ot tranco, ho says to voron|quo: 3o carotu| whon dr|v|ng. You'ro go|ng to havo an
acc|dont.'
l t|nd th|s romark |n tho worst poss|b|o tasto, bocauso |t voron|quo takos |t sor|ous|y, hor toar w||| ond up
attract|ng nogat|vo onorgy, and thon th|ngs roa||y m|ght turn out as prod|ctod.
|ow |ntorost|ng,' l say, botoro anyono o|so can roact. You aro prosumab|y capab|o ot travo||ng |n t|mo,
back |nto tho past and torward |nto tho tuturo. l was spoak|ng about just that w|th a tr|ond th|s attornoon.'
Whon God a||ows mo to, l can soo. l know who oach ot tho poop|o around th|s tab|o was, |s, and w||| bo. l
don't undorstand my g|tt, but l |ong ago |oarnod to accopt |t.'
1ho convorsat|on shou|d bo about tho tr|p to 3|c||y w|th tr|onds who sharo a pass|on tor c|ass|c |ar|oy-
0av|dsons, but suddon|y |t sooms to havo takon a dangorous turn |nto aroas l don't want to ontor r|ght now.
A caso ot synchron|c|ty.
lt's my turn to spoak.
You a|so know, thon, that God a||ows us to soo such th|ngs on|y whon ho wants somoth|ng to chango.' l
turn to voron|quo and say, 1ust tako caro. Whon somoth|ng on tho astra| p|ano |s p|acod on tho oarth|y
p|ano, |t |osos a |ot ot |ts torco. ln othor words, l'm a|most suro thoro w||| bo no acc|dont.'
voron|quo ottors ovoryono moro w|no. 3ho th|nks that tho Voroccan c|a|rvoyant and l aro on a co|||s|on
courso. 1h|s |sn't tho caso, tho man roa||y can soo,' and that tr|ghtons mo. l'|| ta|k to |orvo about |t
attorward.
1ho man baro|y |ooks at mo, ho st||| has tho absont a|r ot somoono who has unw|tt|ng|y ontorod anothor
d|mons|on and now has a duty to commun|cato what ho |s oxpor|onc|ng. |o wants to to|| mo somoth|ng but
choosos, |nstoad, to turn to my w|to.
1ho sou| ot 1urkoy w||| g|vo your husband a|| tho |ovo sho possossos, but sho w||| sp||| h|s b|ood botoro
sho rovoa|s what |t |s sho |s sook|ng.'
Aootbor slgo coolrmlog tbot l sboo|o oot trovo| oow, l th|nk, know|ng tu|| wo|| that wo a|ways try to
|ntorprot th|ngs |n accordanco w|th what wo want and not as thoy aro.
Chinoao Bamboo
3l11llG Ol 1|l3 1lAll, travo||ng trom lar|s to london, on my way to tho 3ook |a|r, |s a b|oss|ng to mo.
Whonovor l v|s|t Eng|and, l romombor 1077, whon l |ott my job w|th a 3raz|||an rocord|ng company,
dotorm|nod, trom thon on, to mako my ||v|ng as a wr|tor. l rontod a t|at on 3assott load, mado var|ous
tr|onds, stud|od vamp|ro|ogy, d|scovorod tho c|ty on toot, to|| |n |ovo, saw ovory t||m bo|ng shown, and,
botoro a yoar had passod, l was back |n l|o, |ncapab|o ot wr|t|ng a s|ng|o ||no.
1h|s t|mo l w||| bo stay|ng |n london tor on|y throo days. 1horo w||| bo a s|gn|ng soss|on, moa|s |n lnd|an
and lobanoso rostaurants, and convorsat|ons |n tho hoto| |obby about books, bookshops, and authors. l
havo no p|ans to roturn to my houso |n 3a|nt Vart|n unt|| tho ond ot tho yoar. |rom london l w||| got a t||ght
back to l|o, whoro l can aga|n hoar my mothor tonguo spokon |n tho stroots, dr|nk aca| ju|co ovory n|ght,
and gazo t|ro|oss|y out my w|ndow at tho most boaut|tu| v|ow |n tho wor|d: Copacabana 3oach.
.
3|Ol1lY 3E|OlE WE AlllvE, a young man ontors tho carr|ago carry|ng a bunch ot rosos and starts |ook|ng
around h|m. low ooo, l th|nk. l`vo oovor sooo |owor so||ors oo Eorostor booro.
l nood two|vo vo|untoors,' ho says. Each porson w||| carry a s|ng|o roso and prosont |t to tho woman who
|s tho |ovo ot my ||to and who l'm go|ng to ask to marry mo.'
3ovora| poop|o vo|untoor, |nc|ud|ng mo, a|though |n tho ond l'm not ono ot tho choson two|vo.
lovortho|oss, whon tho tra|n pu||s |nto tho stat|on, l doc|do to to||ow tho othor vo|untoors. 1ho young man
po|nts to a g|r| on tho p|attorm. Ono by ono, tho passongors hand hor tho|r rod rosos. ||na||y, ho doc|aros h|s
|ovo tor hor, ovoryono app|auds, and tho young woman turns scar|ot w|th ombarrassmont. 1hon tho coup|o
k|ss and go ott, tho|r arms around oach othor.
Ono ot tho stowards says, 1hat's tho most romant|c th|ng l'vo soon |n a|| tho t|mo l'vo boon work|ng horo.'
1|E 3C|E0UlE0 3OOK 3lGlllG |asts noar|y t|vo hours, but |t t|||s mo w|th pos|t|vo onorgy and makos mo
wondor why l'vo boon |n such a stato a|| thoso months. lt my sp|r|tua| progross sooms to havo mot an
|nsurmountab|o barr|or, porhaps l just nood to bo pat|ont. l havo soon and to|t th|ngs that vory tow ot tho
poop|o around mo w||| havo soon and to|t.
3otoro sott|ng out to london, l v|s|tod tho ||tt|o chapo| |n 3arbazan-0obat. 1horo l askod Our lady to
gu|do mo w|th hor |ovo and to ho|p mo |dont|ty tho s|gns that w||| |oad mo back to myso|t. l know that l am |n
a|| tho poop|o surround|ng mo, and that thoy aro |n mo. 1ogothor wo wr|to tho 3ook ot l|to, our ovory
oncountor dotorm|nod by tato and our hands jo|nod |n tho bo||ot that wo can mako a d|ttoronco |n th|s wor|d.
Evoryono contr|butos a word, a sontonco, an |mago, but |n tho ond |t a|| makos sonso: tho happ|noss ot ono
bocomos tho joy ot a||.
Wo w||| a|ways ask ourso|vos tho samo quost|ons. Wo w||| a|ways nood to bo humb|o onough to accopt
that our hoarts know why wo aro horo. Yos, |t's d|tt|cu|t to ta|k to your hoart, and porhaps |t |sn't ovon
nocossary. Wo s|mp|y havo to trust and to||ow tho s|gns and ||vo our lorsona| logond, soonor or |ator, wo
w||| roa||zo that wo aro a|| part ot somoth|ng, ovon |t wo can't undorstand rat|ona||y what that somoth|ng |s.
1hoy say that |n tho socond botoro our doath, oach ot us undorstands tho roa| roason tor our ox|stonco, and
out ot that momont, |oavon or |o|| |s born.
|o|| |s whon wo |ook back dur|ng that tract|on ot a socond and know that wo wastod an opportun|ty to
d|gn|ty tho m|rac|o ot ||to. larad|so |s bo|ng ab|o to say at that momont: l mado somo m|stakos, but l wasn't
a coward. l ||vod my ||to and d|d what l had to do.'
|owovor, thoro's no nood to ant|c|pato my part|cu|ar ho|| and koop go|ng ovor and ovor tho tact that l can
mako no turthor progross |n what l undorstand to bo my 3p|r|tua| Ouost.' lt's onough that l koop try|ng. Evon
thoso who d|dn't do a|| thoy cou|d havo dono havo a|roady boon torg|von, thoy had tho|r pun|shmont wh||o
thoy woro a||vo by bo|ng unhappy whon thoy cou|d havo boon ||v|ng |n poaco and harmony. Wo aro a||
rodoomod and troo to to||ow tho path that has no bog|nn|ng and w||| havo no ond.
l |AvEl'1 3lOUG|1 anyth|ng w|th mo to road. Wh||o l'm wa|t|ng to jo|n my luss|an pub||shors tor suppor, l |oat
through ono ot thoso magaz|nos that aro a|ways to bo tound |n hoto| rooms. l sk|m an art|c|o about Ch|noso
bamboo. Apparont|y, onco tho sood has boon sown, you soo noth|ng tor about t|vo yoars, apart trom a t|ny
shoot. A|| tho growth takos p|aco undorground, whoro a comp|ox root systom roach|ng upward and outward
|s bo|ng ostab||shod. 1hon, at tho ond ot tho t|tth yoar, tho bamboo suddon|y shoots up to a ho|ght ot twonty-
t|vo motors. What a tod|ous subjoct! l doc|do to go downsta|rs and watch tho com|ngs and go|ngs |n tho
|obby.
l |AvE A CUl O| CO||EE wh||o l wa|t. Vn|ca, my agont and my bost tr|ond, jo|ns mo at my tab|o. Wo ta|k about
th|ngs ot no |mportanco. 3ho's c|oar|y t|rod attor a day spont doa||ng w|th poop|o trom tho book wor|d and
mon|tor|ng tho book s|gn|ng ovor tho phono w|th my 3r|t|sh pub||shor.
Wo startod work|ng togothor whon sho was on|y twonty. 3ho was a tan ot my work and conv|ncod that a
3raz|||an wr|tor cou|d bo succosstu||y trans|atod and pub||shod outs|do ot 3raz||. 3ho abandonod hor stud|os
|n chom|ca| ong|noor|ng |n l|o, movod to 3pa|n w|th hor boytr|ond, and wont around knock|ng on pub||shors'
doors and wr|t|ng |ottors, to|||ng thom that thoy roa||y noodod to road my work.
Whon th|s brought no rosu|ts at a||, l wont to tho sma|| town |n Cata|on|a whoro sho was ||v|ng, bought hor a
cottoo, and adv|sod hor to g|vo tho who|o th|ng up and th|nk about hor own ||to and tuturo. 3ho rotusod and
sa|d that sho cou|dn't go back to 3raz|| a ta||uro. l tr|od to porsuado hor that sho hadn't ta||od, attor a||, sho
had shown horso|t capab|o ot surv|v|ng (by do||vor|ng |oat|ots and work|ng as a wa|tross) as wo|| as hav|ng
tho un|quo oxpor|onco ot ||v|ng abroad. Vn|ca st||| wou|d not g|vo up. l |ott that cato |n tho t|rm bo||ot that
sho was throw|ng hor ||to away but that l wou|d novor bo ab|o to mako hor chango hor m|nd bocauso sho
was too stubborn. 3|x months |ator, tho s|tuat|on had changod comp|oto|y, and s|x months attor that, sho had
oarnod onough monoy to buy an apartmont.
3ho bo||ovod |n tho |mposs|b|o and, tor that roason, won a batt|o that ovoryono, |nc|ud|ng myso|t,
cons|dorod to bo |ost. 1hat |s what marks out tho warr|or: tho know|odgo that w|||powor and courago aro not
tho samo th|ng. Courago can attract toar and adu|at|on, but w|||powor roqu|ros pat|onco and comm|tmont.
Von and womon w|th |mmonso w|||powor aro gonora||y so||tary typos and g|vo ott a k|nd ot coo|noss. Vany
poop|o m|stakon|y th|nk that Vn|ca |s rathor a co|d porson, whon noth|ng cou|d bo turthor trom tho truth. ln
hor hoart thoro burns a socrot t|ro, as |ntonso as |t was whon wo mot |n that Cata|on|an cato. 0osp|to a|| sho
has ach|ovod, sho's as onthus|ast|c as ovor.
1ust as l'm about to rocount my rocont convorsat|on w|th 1., my two pub||shors trom 3u|gar|a como |nto
tho cato. A |ot ot poop|o |nvo|vod |n tho 3ook |a|r aro stay|ng |n tho samo hoto|. Wo ta|k about th|s and that,
thon Vn|ca turns tho convorsat|on to tho subjoct ot my books. Evontua||y, ono ot tho pub||shors |ooks at mo
and asks tho standard quost|on.
3o whon aro you go|ng to v|s|t our country?'
loxt wook, |t you can organ|zo |t. A|| l ask |s a party attor tho attornoon s|gn|ng soss|on.'
1hoy both |ook at mo aghast.
Cblooso bomboo!
Vn|ca |s star|ng at mo |n horror as sho says, Wo'd bottor |ook at tho d|ary .'
3ut l'm suro l can bo |n 3ot|a noxt wook,' l say, |ntorrupt|ng hor, and add|ng |n lortuguoso: l'|| oxp|a|n
|ator.'
Vn|ca soos that l'm sor|ous, but tho pub||shors aro st||| unsuro. 1hoy ask |t l wou|dn't protor to wa|t a ||tt|o
so that thoy can mount a propor promot|ona| campa|gn.
loxt wook,' l say aga|n. Othorw|so, wo'|| havo to |oavo |t tor anothor occas|on.'
On|y thon do thoy roa||zo that l'm sor|ous. 1hoy turn to Vn|ca tor moro dota||s. And at that proc|so
momont, my 3pan|sh pub||shor arr|vos. 1ho convorsat|on at tho tab|o broaks ott, |ntroduct|ons aro mado,
and tho usua| quost|on |s askod.
3o whon aro you com|ng back to 3pa|n?'
3tra|ght attor my v|s|t to 3u|gar|a.'
Whon w||| that bo?'
ln two wooks' t|mo. Wo can arrango a book s|gn|ng |n 3ant|ago do Composto|a and anothor |n tho
3asquo Country, to||owod by a party to wh|ch somo ot my roadors cou|d bo |nv|tod.'
1ho 3u|gar|an pub||shors start to |ook unoasy aga|n, and Vn|ca g|vos a stra|nod sm||o.
Vako a comm|tmont!' 1. had sa|d.
1ho |obby |s start|ng to t||| up. At a|| such ta|rs, whothor thoy'ro promot|ng books or hoavy mach|nory, tho
protoss|ona|s tond to stay |n tho samo two or throo hoto|s, and most doa|s aro soa|od |n hoto| |obb|os or at
suppors ||ko tho ono duo to tako p|aco ton|ght. l groot a|| tho pub||shors and accopt any |nv|tat|ons that bog|n
w|th tho quost|on Whon aro you go|ng to v|s|t our country?' l try to koop thom ta|k|ng tor as |ong as poss|b|o
to avo|d Vn|ca ask|ng mo what on oarth |s go|ng on. A|| sho can do |s noto |n hor d|ary tho var|ous v|s|ts
l'm comm|tt|ng myso|t to.
At ono po|nt, l broak ott my d|scuss|on w|th an Arab pub||shor to t|nd out how many v|s|ts l'vo arrangod.
look, you'ro putt|ng mo |n a vory awkward pos|t|on,' sho rop||os |n lortuguoso, sound|ng vory |rr|tatod.
|ow many?'
3|x countr|os |n t|vo wooks. 1hoso ta|rs aro tor pub||sh|ng protoss|ona|s, you know, not wr|tors. You don't
havo to accopt any |nv|tat|ons, l tako caro ot-'
1ust thon my lortuguoso pub||shor arr|vos, so wo can't cont|nuo th|s pr|vato convorsat|on. Whon ho
doosn't say anyth|ng boyond tho usua| sma|| ta|k, l ask tho quost|on myso|t.
Aron't you go|ng to |nv|to mo to lortuga|?'
|o adm|ts that ho ovorhoard my convorsat|on w|th Vn|ca.
l'm not jok|ng,' l say. l'd roa||y |ovo to do a book s|gn|ng |n Gu|maraos and anothor |n |t|ma.'
As |ong as you don't canco| at tho |ast momont.'
l won't canco|, l prom|so.'
|o agroos, and Vn|ca adds lortuga| to tho d|ary: anothor t|vo days. ||na||y, my luss|an pub||shors-a
man and a woman-como ovor, and wo say ho||o. Vn|ca g|vos a s|gh ot ro||ot. low sho can drag mo ott to
tho rostaurant.
Wh||o wo'ro wa|t|ng tor tho tax|, sho draws mo to ono s|do.
|avo you gono mad?'
Oh, l wont mad yoars ago. 0o you know anyth|ng about Ch|noso bamboo? lt apparont|y sponds t|vo
yoars as a ||tt|o shoot, us|ng that t|mo to dovo|op |ts root systom. And thon, trom ono momont to tho noxt, |t
puts on a spurt and grows up to twonty-t|vo motors h|gh.'
And what has that got to do w|th tho act ot |nsan|ty l'vo just w|tnossod?'
lator on, l'|| to|| you about tho convorsat|on l had a month ago w|th 1. What mattors now, though, |s that
th|s |s proc|so|y what has boon happon|ng to mo: l'vo |nvostod work, t|mo, and ottort, l tr|od to oncourago my
porsona| growth w|th |ovo and dod|cat|on, but noth|ng happonod. loth|ng happonod tor yoars.'
What do you moan 'noth|ng happonod'? |avo you torgotton who you aro?'
1ho tax| arr|vos. 1ho luss|an pub||shor opons tho door tor Vn|ca.
l'm ta|k|ng about tho sp|r|tua| s|do ot my ||to. l th|nk l'm ||ko that Ch|noso bamboo p|ant and that my t|tth
yoar has just arr|vod. lt's t|mo tor mo to start grow|ng aga|n. You askod mo |t l'd gono mad, and l answorod
w|th a joko. 3ut tho tact |s, l havo boon go|ng mad. l was bog|nn|ng to bo||ovo that noth|ng l had |oarnod had
put down any roots.'
|or a tract|on ot a socond, |mmod|ato|y attor tho arr|va| ot my 3u|gar|an pub||shors, l had to|t 1.'s
prosonco at my s|do and t|na||y undorstood h|s words, a|though tho |ns|ght |tso|t had como to mo dur|ng a
momont ot borodom, attor |oat|ng through a magaz|no on gardon|ng. Vy so|t-|mposod ox||o, wh|ch, on tho
ono hand, had ho|pod mo d|scovor |mportant truths about myso|t, had anothor sor|ous s|do ottoct: tho v|co ot
so||tudo. Vy un|vorso had bocomo ||m|tod to a tow tr|onds |oca||y, to answor|ng |ottors and o-ma||s, and to
tho |||us|on that tho rost ot my t|mo was m|no a|ono. l was, |n short, |oad|ng a ||to w|thout any ot tho |nov|tab|o
prob|oms that ar|so trom ||v|ng w|th othor poop|o, trom human contact.
ls that what l'm |ook|ng tor? A ||to w|thout cha||ongos? 3ut whoro |s tho p|oasuro |n |ook|ng tor God outs|do
ot poop|o?
l know many who havo dono just that. l onco had a sor|ous and at tho samo t|mo com|ca| ta|k w|th a
3uddh|st nun who had spont twonty yoars a|ono |n a cavo |n lopa|. l askod hor what sho had ach|ovod.
3p|r|tua| orgasm,' sho rop||od, to wh|ch l rop||od that thoro woro tar oas|or ways to ach|ovo orgasm.
l cou|d novor to||ow that path, |t's s|mp|y not on my hor|zon. l cannot and cou|d not spond tho rost ot my ||to
|n soarch ot sp|r|tua| orgasms or contomp|at|ng tho oak troo |n my gardon, wa|t|ng tor w|sdom to doscond.
1. knows th|s, and oncouragod mo to mako th|s journoy so that l wou|d undorstand that my path |s rot|octod
|n tho oyos ot othors and that, |t l want to t|nd myso|t, l nood that map.
l apo|og|zo to tho luss|an pub||shors and say that l nood to t|n|sh a convorsat|on w|th Vn|ca |n
lortuguoso. l start by to|||ng hor a story.
A man stumb|os and ta||s |nto a doop ho|o. |o asks a pass|ng pr|ost to ho|p h|m out. 1ho pr|ost b|ossos
h|m and wa|ks on. |ours |ator, a doctor comos by. 1ho man asks tor ho|p, but tho doctor moro|y stud|os h|s
|njur|os trom atar, wr|tos h|m a proscr|pt|on, and to||s h|m to buy tho mod|c|no trom tho noarost pharmacy.
||na||y, a comp|oto strangor appoars. Aga|n, ho asks tor ho|p, and tho strangor jumps |nto tho ho|o. 'low
what aro wo go|ng to do?' says tho man. 'low both ot us aro trappod down horo.' 1o wh|ch tho strangor
rop||os, 'lo, wo'ro not. l'm trom around horo, and l know how to got out.' '
Voan|ng?' asks Vn|ca.
1hat l nood strangors ||ko that,' l oxp|a|n. Vy roots aro roady, but l'|| manago to grow on|y w|th tho ho|p ot
othors. lot just you or 1. or my w|to but poop|o l'vo novor mot. l'm suro ot that. 1hat's why l askod tor a party
to bo ho|d attor tho book s|gn|ngs.'
You'ro novor sat|st|od, aro you?' Vn|ca says |n a tono ot comp|a|nt.
1hat's why you |ovo mo so much,' l say w|th a sm||o.
ll 1|E lE31AUlAl1, wo spoak about a|| k|nds ot th|ngs, wo co|obrato a tow succossos and try to rot|no
corta|n dota||s. l havo to stop myso|t trom |ntortor|ng, bocauso Vn|ca |s |n chargo ot ovoryth|ng to do w|th
pub||sh|ng. At ono po|nt, though, tho samo quost|on |s askod.
And whon w||| lau|o bo v|s|t|ng luss|a?'
Vn|ca starts oxp|a|n|ng that my d|ary has suddon|y got vory crowdod and that l havo a sor|os ot
comm|tmonts start|ng noxt wook. l broak |n.
You know, l havo |ong chor|shod a droam, wh|ch l'vo tr|od to roa||zo tw|co botoro and ta||od. lt you can
ho|p mo ach|ovo my droam, l'|| como to luss|a.'
What droam |s that?'
1o cross tho who|o ot luss|a by tra|n and ond up at tho lac|t|c Ocoan. Wo cou|d stop at var|ous p|acos
a|ong tho way tor s|gn|ngs. 1hat way, wo wou|d bo show|ng our rospoct tor a|| thoso roadors who cou|d
novor mako |t to Voscow.'
Vy pub||shor's oyos ||ght up w|th joy. |o had just boon ta|k|ng about tho |ncroas|ng d|tt|cu|t|os ot
d|str|but|on |n a country so vast that |t has sovon d|ttoront t|mo zonos.
A vory romant|c, vory Ch|noso bamboo |doa,' Vn|ca says w|th a |augh, but not vory pract|ca|. As you
wo|| know, l wou|dn't bo ab|o to go w|th you, bocauso l havo my son to |ook attor now.'
1ho pub||shor, howovor, |s onthus|ast|c. |o ordors h|s t|tth cottoo ot tho n|ght, says that ho'|| tako caro ot
ovoryth|ng, that Vn|ca's ass|stant can stand |n tor hor, and that sho noodn't worry about a th|ng, |t w||| a|| bo
t|no.
l thus t||| up my p|annor w|th two who|o months ot travo||ng, |oav|ng a|ong tho way a |ot ot vory happy but
vory strossod-out poop|o who aro go|ng to havo to organ|zo ovoryth|ng at ||ghtn|ng spood, a tr|ond and
agont who |s now |ook|ng at mo w|th attoct|on and rospoct, and a toachor who |sn't horo but who doubt|oss
knows that l havo now mado a comm|tmont, ovon though l d|dn't undorstand what ho moant at tho t|mo. lt's a
co|d n|ght, and l chooso to wa|k back a|ono to tho hoto|, too||ng rathor tr|ghtonod at what l'vo dono, but
happy, too, bocauso thoro's no turn|ng back.
1hat |s what l wantod. lt l bo||ovo l w||| w|n, thon v|ctory w||| bo||ovo |n mo. lo ||to |s comp|oto w|thout a
touch ot madnoss, or, to uso 1.'s words, what l nood to do |s to ro-conquor my k|ngdom. lt l can undorstand
what's go|ng on |n tho wor|d, l can undorstand what's go|ng on |ns|do myso|t.
A1 1|E |O1El, thoro |s a mossago trom my w|to, say|ng that sho's boon try|ng to contact mo and ask|ng mo
to phono hor as soon as poss|b|o. Vy hoart starts pound|ng, bocauso sho raro|y phonos mo whon l'm
travo||ng. l roturn hor ca|| at onco. 1ho soconds botwoon oach r|ng soom ||ko an otorn|ty.
||na||y, sho p|cks up tho phono.
voron|quo has had a sor|ous car acc|dont, but don't worry, sho's not |n any dangor,' sho says norvous|y.
l ask |t l can phono voron|quo now, but sho says no. 3ho's st||| |n tho hosp|ta|.
0o you romombor that c|a|rvoyant?' sho asks.
Ot courso l do! |o mado a prod|ct|on about mo as wo||. Wo hang up, and l |mmod|ato|y phono Vn|ca's
room. l ask |t, by any chanco, l'vo arrangod a v|s|t to 1urkoy.
Can't you ovon romombor wh|ch |nv|tat|ons you accoptod?'
lo,' l say. l was |n a strango stato ot ouphor|a whon l startod say|ng yos to a|| thoso pub||shors.
3ut you do romombor tho comm|tmonts you'vo takon on, don't you? 1horo's st||| t|mo to canco|, |t you
want to.'
l to|| hor that l'm portoct|y happy w|th tho comm|tmonts, that's not tho prob|om. lt's too |ato to start
oxp|a|n|ng about tho c|a|rvoyant, tho prod|ct|ons, and voron|quo's acc|dont. l ask Vn|ca aga|n |t l havo
arrangod a v|s|t to 1urkoy.
lo,' sho says. 1ho 1urk|sh pub||shors aro stay|ng |n a d|ttoront hoto|. Othorw|so .'
Wo both |augh.
l can s|oop oasy.
1ho 5trangor'a Lantorn
AlVO31 1WO VOl1|3 ot travo||ng, ot p||gr|mago. Vy joy |n ||to has roturnod, but l ||o awako a|| n|ght, wondor|ng
|t that sonso ot joy w||| stay w|th mo whon l roturn homo. Am l do|ng what l nood to do to mako tho Ch|noso
bamboo grow? l'vo boon to s|x countr|os, mot my roadors, had tun, tomporar||y dr|von away tho dopross|on
that was throaton|ng to ongu|t mo, but somoth|ng to||s mo that l st||| havon't ro-conquorod my k|ngdom. 1ho
tr|p so tar hasn't roa||y boon any d|ttoront trom othor s|m||ar journoys mado |n prov|ous yoars.
A|| that roma|ns now |s luss|a. And thon what w||| l do? Cont|nuo mak|ng comm|tmonts |n ordor to koop
mov|ng, or stop and soo what tho rosu|ts havo boon?
l st||| havon't roachod a doc|s|on. l know on|y that a ||to w|thout causo |s a ||to w|thout ottoct. And l can't
a||ow that to happon to mo. lt nocossary, l'|| spond tho rost ot tho yoar travo||ng.
l'm |n tho Atr|can c|ty ot 1un|s, |n 1un|s|a. 1ho ta|k |s about to bog|n, and-thank hoavons-tho room |s
packod. l'm go|ng to bo |ntroducod by two |oca| |nto||octua|s. ln tho short moot|ng wo ho|d botorohand, ono
ot thom showod mo a toxt that wou|d tako just two m|nutos to do||vor and tho othor a vor|tab|o thos|s on my
work that wou|d tako at |oast ha|t an hour.
1ho coord|nator vory tacttu||y oxp|a|ns to tho |attor that s|nco tho ovont |s supposod to |ast, at most, t|tty
m|nutos, thoro won't bo t|mo tor h|m to road h|s p|oco. l |mag|no how hard ho must havo workod on that
ossay, but tho coord|nator |s r|ght. 1ho purposo ot my v|s|t to 1un|s |s to moot my roadors. 1horo |s a br|ot
d|scuss|on, attor wh|ch tho author ot tho ossay says that ho no |ongor w|shos to tako part, and ho |oavos.
1ho ta|k bog|ns. 1ho |ntroduct|ons and acknow|odgmonts tako on|y t|vo m|nutos, tho rost ot tho t|mo |s
troo tor opon d|a|oguo. l to|| tho aud|onco that l havon't como horo to oxp|a|n anyth|ng and that, |doa||y, tho
ovont shou|d bo moro ot a convorsat|on than a prosontat|on.
A young woman asks about tho s|gns l spoak ot |n my books. What torm do thoy tako? l oxp|a|n that s|gns
aro an oxtromo|y porsona| |anguago that wo dovo|op throughout our ||vos, by tr|a| and orror, unt|| wo bog|n to
undorstand that God |s gu|d|ng us. 3omoono o|so asks |t a s|gn had brought mo a|| tho way to 1un|s|a.
W|thout go|ng |nto any dota||, l say that |t had.
1ho convorsat|on cont|nuos, t|mo passos qu|ck|y, and l nood to wrap th|ngs up. |or tho |ast quost|on, l
chooso, at random, out ot tho s|x hundrod poop|o thoro, a m|dd|o-agod man w|th a bushy mustacho.
l don't want to ask a quost|on,' ho says. l just want to say a namo.'
1ho namo ho pronouncos |s that ot 3arbazan-0obat, a chapo| |n tho m|dd|o ot nowhoro, thousands ot
k||omotors trom horo, tho samo chapo| whoro, ono day, l p|acod a p|aquo |n grat|tudo tor a m|rac|o, and
wh|ch l had v|s|tod botoro sott|ng out on th|s p||gr|mago |n ordor to pray tor Our lady's protoct|on.
l don't know how to rospond. 1ho to||ow|ng words woro wr|tton by ono ot tho othor poop|o onstago w|th
mo.
lo tbo room, tbo Uolvorso soomoo sooooo|y to bovo stoppoo movlog. 5o mooy tblogs boppoooo, l
sow yoor toors ooo tbo toors o yoor ooor wlo, wboo tbot ooooymoos roooor prooooocoo tbo oomo o
tbot olstoot cbopo|.
Yoo coo|o oo |oogor spook. Yoor sml|log oco grow sorloos. Yoor oyos l||oo wltb sby toors tbot
tromb|oo oo yoor |osbos, os l wlsblog to opo|oglzo or oppoorlog tboro oolovltoo.
Evoo l boo o |omp lo my tbroot, o|tboogb l oloo`t koow wby. l |ookoo or my wlo ooo ooogbtor lo tbo
ooolooco, bocooso l o|woys |ook to tbom wbooovor l oo| myso| to bo oo tbo brlok o somotblog
ookoowo. 7boy woro tboro, bot tboy woro slttlog os sl|oot|y os ovoryooo o|so, tbolr oyos lxoo oo yoo,
trylog to sopport yoo wltb tbolr gozo, os l o gozo coo|o ovor sopport ooyooo.
7boo l |ookoo to Cbrlstloo or bo|p, trylog to oooorstooo wbot wos golog oo, bow to brlog to oo ooo
tbot soomlog|y lotormloob|o sl|ooco. Aoo l sow tbot sbo wos sl|oot|y crylog, too, os l yoo woro botb
ootos rom tbo somo sympbooy ooo os l yoor toors woro toocblog, ovoo tboogb yoo woro slttlog or
oport.
lor sovoro| |oog socooos, ootblog oxlstoo, tboro wos oo room, oo ooolooco, ootblog. Yoo ooo
yoor wlo boo sot o or o p|oco wboro wo coo|o oot o||ow, o|| tbot romolooo wos tbo joy o |lvlog,
oxprossoo lo sl|ooco ooo omotloo.
oros oro toors tbot bovo booo wrlttoo oowo. 7oors oro woros tbot oooo to bo sboo. ltboot tbom,
joy |osos o|| lts brl||looco ooo sooooss bos oo ooo. 7book yoo, tboo, or yoor toors.
l shou|d havo sa|d to tho young woman who askod tho t|rst quost|on about s|gns that tbls was a s|gn,
cont|rm|ng that l was whoro l shou|d bo, |n tho r|ght p|aco, at tho r|ght t|mo, ovon though l d|dn't undorstand
what had brought mo thoro.
l suspoct thoro was no nood, though. 3ho wou|d probab|y havo undorstood anyway.

VY Wl|E Al0 l aro wa|k|ng a|ong, hand |n hand, through tho bazaar |n 1un|s, t|ttoon k||omotors trom tho ru|ns
ot Carthago, wh|ch, contur|os botoro, had dot|od tho m|ght ot lomo. Wo aro d|scuss|ng tho groat
Carthag|n|an warr|or |ann|ba|. 3|nco Carthago and lomo woro soparatod by on|y a tow hundrod
k||omotors ot soa, tho lomans woro oxpoct|ng a soa batt|o. lnstoad, |ann|ba| took h|s vast army and
crossod tho dosort and tho 3tra|t ot G|bra|tar, marchod through 3pa|n and |ranco, c||mbod tho A|ps w|th
so|d|ors and o|ophants, and attackod tho lomans trom tho north, scor|ng ono ot tho most rosound|ng
m|||tary v|ctor|os ovor rocordod.
|o ovorcamo a|| tho onom|os |n h|s path, and yot-tor roasons wo st||| do not undorstand-ho stoppod
short ot conquor|ng lomo and ta||od to attack at tho r|ght momont. As a rosu|t ot h|s |ndoc|s|on, Carthago
was w|pod trom tho map by tho loman |og|ons.
|ann|ba| stoppod and was dotoatod,' l say, th|nk|ng out |oud. l'm g|ad that l'm ab|o to go on, ovon
though tho bog|nn|ng was d|tt|cu|t. l'm start|ng to got usod to tho journoy now.'
Vy w|to protonds not to havo hoard, bocauso sho roa||zos that l'm try|ng to conv|nco myso|t ot somoth|ng.
Wo'ro on our way to a cato to moot ono ot my roadors, 3am||, choson at random at tho post-ta|k party. l ask
h|m to avo|d a|| tho usua| monumonts and tour|st s|ghts and show us whoro tho roa| ||to ot tho c|ty goos on.
|o takos us to a boaut|tu| bu||d|ng whoro, |n 17b4, a man k|||od h|s own brothor. 1ho brothors' tathor
roso|vod to bu||d th|s pa|aco as a schoo|, as a way ot koop|ng a||vo tho momory ot h|s murdorod son. l say
that suro|y tho son who had comm|ttod tho murdor wou|d a|so bo romomborod.
lt's not qu|to ||ko that,' says 3am||. ln our cu|turo, tho cr|m|na| sharos h|s gu||t w|th ovoryono who a||owod
h|m to comm|t tho cr|mo. Whon a man |s murdorod, tho porson who so|d h|m tho woapon |s a|so
rospons|b|o botoro God. 1ho on|y way |n wh|ch tho tathor cou|d corroct what ho porco|vod as h|s own
m|stako was to transtorm tho tragody |nto somoth|ng usotu| to othors.'
3uddon|y, ovoryth|ng van|shos-tho pa|aco, tho stroot, tho c|ty, Atr|ca. l tako a g|gant|c |oap |nto tho dark
and ontor a tunno| that omorgos |nto a damp dungoon. l'm stand|ng botoro 1. |n ono ot my many prov|ous
||vos, two hundrod yoars botoro tho cr|mo comm|ttod |n that houso. |o t|xos mo w|th storn, admon|tory oyos.
l roturn just as qu|ck|y to tho prosont. lt a|| happonod |n a tract|on ot a socond. l'm back at tho pa|aco, w|th
3am||, my w|to, and tho hubbub ot tho stroot |n 1un|s. 3ut why that d|p |nto tho past? Why do tho roots ot tho
Ch|noso bamboo |ns|st on po|son|ng tho p|ant? 1hat ||to was ||vod and tho pr|co pa|d.
You comm|ttod just ono coward|y dood, wh||o l actod unta|r|y many t|mos. 3ut that d|scovory trood mo,' 1.
had sa|d |n 3a|nt Vart|n, ho, who had novor oncouragod mo to go back |nto tho past, who was vohomont|y
opposod to tho books, manua|s, and oxorc|sos that taught such th|ngs.
lnstoad ot rosort|ng to vongoanco, wh|ch wou|d bo moro|y a ono-t|mo pun|shmont, ho croatod a schoo| |n
wh|ch w|sdom and |oarn|ng woro passod on tor moro than two contur|os,' 3am|| says.
l havon't m|ssod a s|ng|o word 3am|| has sa|d, and yot l a|so mado that g|gant|c |oap back |n t|mo.
1hat's |t.'
What |s?' asks my w|to.
l'm wa|k|ng. l'm bog|nn|ng to undorstand. lt's a|| mak|ng sonso.'
l too| ouphor|c. 3am|| |s contusod.
What doos ls|am havo to say about ro|ncarnat|on?' l ask.
3am|| |ooks at mo, surpr|sod.
l'vo no |doa, l'm not a scho|ar,' ho says.
l ask h|m to t|nd out. |o takos h|s co|| phono and starts r|ng|ng var|ous poop|o. Chr|st|na and l go to a bar
and ordor two strong b|ack cottoos. Wo'ro both t|rod, but wo'|| bo hav|ng a soatood suppor |ator and havo to
ros|st tho tomptat|on to havo a snack now.
l just had a doja vu momont,' l to|| hor.
Evoryono has thom trom t|mo to t|mo. You don't havo to bo a magus to havo ono,' jokos Chr|st|na.
Ot courso not, but doja vu |s moro than just that t|oot|ng momont ot surpr|so, |nstant|y torgotton bocauso
wo novor bothor w|th th|ngs that mako no sonso. lt shows that t|mo doosn't pass. lt's a |oap |nto somoth|ng
wo havo a|roady oxpor|oncod and that |s bo|ng ropoatod.
3am|| has van|shod.
Wh||o ho was to|||ng us about tho pa|aco, l was drawn back |nto tho past tor a m||||socond. l'm suro th|s
happonod whon ho was ta|k|ng about how any cr|mo was not on|y tho rospons|b|||ty ot tho murdoror but ot a||
thoso who croatod tho cond|t|ons |n wh|ch tho cr|mo cou|d occur. 1ho t|rst t|mo l mot 1., |n 1082, ho ta|kod
about my connoct|on w|th h|s tathor. |o novor mont|onod tho subjoct aga|n, and l torgot about |t, too. 3ut a
tow momonts ago, l saw h|s tathor. And l undorstand now what ho moant.'
ln tho ||to you to|d mo about?'
Yos, dur|ng tho 3pan|sh lnqu|s|t|on.'
1hat's a|| ovor. Why tormont yourso|t ovor somoth|ng that's anc|ont h|story now?'
l'm not tormont|ng myso|t. l |oarnod |ong ago that |n ordor to hoa| my wounds, l must havo tho courago to
taco up to thom. l a|so |oarnod to torg|vo myso|t and corroct my m|stakos. |owovor, ovor s|nco l startod out
on th|s journoy, l'vo had a sonso ot bo|ng controntod by a vast j|gsaw puzz|o, tho p|ocos ot wh|ch aro on|y
just bog|nn|ng to bo rovoa|od, p|ocos ot |ovo, hato, sacr|t|co, torg|vonoss, joy, and gr|ot. 1hat's why l'm horo
w|th you. l too| much bottor now, as |t l roa||y woro go|ng |n soarch ot my sou|, ot my k|ngdom, rathor than
s|tt|ng around comp|a|n|ng that l can't ass|m||ato ovoryth|ng l'vo |oarnod. l can't do that bocauso l don't
undorstand |t a|| propor|y, but whon l do, tho truth w||| sot mo troo.'
3AVll l3 3ACK, carry|ng a book. |o s|ts down w|th us, consu|ts h|s notos, and rospocttu||y turns tho pagos ot
tho book, murmur|ng words |n Arab|c.
l spoko to throo scho|ars,' ho says at |ast. 1wo ot thom sa|d that attor doath, tho just go to larad|so. 1ho
th|rd ono, though, to|d mo to consu|t somo vorsos trom tho Koran.'
l can soo that ho's oxc|tod.
|oro's tho t|rst ono, 2:28: A||ob wl|| cooso yoo to olo, ooo tboo bo wl|| brlog yoo bock to |lo ogolo, ooo
yoo wl|| rotoro to llm ooco moro.` Vy trans|at|on |sn't portoct, but that's what |t moans.'
|o |oats tovor|sh|y through tho sacrod book. |o trans|atos tho socond vorso, 2:1b4.
Lo oot soy o tboso wbo oloo lo tbo oomo o A||ob. 7boy oro oooo. lor tboy oro o|lvo, ovoo tboogb
yoo coooot soo tbom.` '
Exact|y!'
1horo aro othor vorsos, but, to bo honost, l don't too| vory comtortab|o ta|k|ng about th|s r|ght now. l'd
rathor to|| you about 1un|s.'
You'vo to|d us qu|to onough. loop|o novor |oavo, wo aro a|ways horo |n our past and tuturo ||vos. lt
appoars |n tho 3|b|o, too, you know. l romombor a passago |n wh|ch 1osus rotors to 1ohn tho 3apt|st as tho
|ncarnat|on ot E||as: Aoo l yoo wl|| rocolvo lt, bo [1ohn| ls tbo E|los wbo ls to como.` And thoro aro othor
vorsos on tho samo subjoct,' l say.
|o starts to|||ng us somo ot tho |ogonds that surround tho tound|ng ot tho c|ty, and l undorstand that |t's
t|mo to got up and cont|nuo our wa|k.
A3OvE OlE O| 1|E GA1E3 |n tho anc|ont c|ty wa|| |s a |antorn, and 3am|| oxp|a|ns |ts s|gn|t|canco to us.
1h|s |s tho or|g|n ot ono ot tho most tamous Arab|c provorbs: '1ho ||ght ta||s on|y on tho strangor.' '
1ho provorb, ho says, |s vory apt tor tho s|tuat|on wo'ro |n now. 3am|| wants to bo a wr|tor and |s t|ght|ng
to ga|n rocogn|t|on |n h|s own country, whoroas l, a 3raz|||an author, am a|roady known horo.
l to|| h|m that wo havo a s|m||ar say|ng: lo ono |s a prophot |n h|s own |and.' Wo a|ways tond to va|uo
what comos trom atar, novor rocogn|z|ng tho boauty around us.
A|though somot|mos,' l go on, wo nood to bo strangors to ourso|vos. 1hon tho h|ddon ||ght |n our sou|s
w||| |||um|nato what wo nood to soo.'
Vy w|to appoars not to bo to||ow|ng tho convorsat|on, but at ono po|nt, sho turns to mo and says, 1horo's
somoth|ng about that |antorn, l can't qu|to oxp|a|n what |t |s, but |t's somoth|ng to do w|th your s|tuat|on now.
As soon as l work out what |t |s, l'|| to|| you.'
WE 3lEEl |Ol AW|llE, havo suppor w|th tr|onds, and go tor anothor wa|k around tho c|ty. On|y thon doos my
w|to manago to oxp|a|n what sho had to|t dur|ng tho attornoon.
You'ro travo||ng, but, at tho samo t|mo, you havon't |ott homo. As |ong as wo'ro togothor, that w||| cont|nuo
to bo tho caso, bocauso you havo somoono by your s|do who knows you, and th|s g|vos you a ta|so sonso
ot tam|||ar|ty. lt's t|mo you cont|nuod on a|ono. You may t|nd so||tudo oppross|vo, too much to boar, but that
too||ng w||| gradua||y d|sappoar as you como moro |nto contact w|th othor poop|o.'
Attor a pauso, sho adds, l onco road that |n a torost ot a hundrod thousand troos, no two |oavos aro a||ko.
And no two journoys a|ong tho samo path aro a||ko. lt wo cont|nuo to travo| togothor, try|ng to mako th|ngs t|t
our wor|dv|ow, no|thor ot us w||| bonot|t. 3o l g|vo you my b|oss|ng and say l'|| soo you |n Gormany tor tho t|rst
match |n tho Wor|d Cup!'

Author's noto: lmmod|ato|y attor tho ta|k, l sought out tho man w|th tho mustacho. ||s namo was Chr|st|an
0ho||ommos. Attorward, wo oxchangod a tow o-ma||s but novor mot aga|n taco-to-taco. |o d|od on 1u|y 10,
2000, |n 1arbos, |ranco.
|t a CoId Wind BIowa
W|El l AlllvE at tho Voscow hoto| w|th my pub||shor and my od|tor, a young woman |s wa|t|ng outs|do tor
mo. 3ho comos ovor and grasps my hands |n hors.
l nood to ta|k to you. l'vo como a|| tho way trom Ekator|nburg to do just that.'
l'm t|rod. l woko up oar||or than usua| and had to chango p|anos |n lar|s bocauso thoro was no d|roct
t||ght. l tr|od to s|oop on tho journoy, but ovory t|mo l managod to drop ott, l wou|d ta|| |nto tho samo
unp|oasant, ropot|t|vo droam.
Vy pub||shor to||s hor that thoro w||| bo a s|gn|ng soss|on tomorrow and that, |n throo days' t|mo, wo'|| bo |n
Ekator|nburg, tho t|rst stop on my tra|n journoy. l ho|d out my hand to say good-byo and not|co that hors |s
vory co|d.
Why d|dn't you wa|t tor mo |ns|do?' l ask.
What l wou|d roa||y ||ko to ask |s how sho tound out wh|ch hoto| l'm stay|ng at, but that probab|y wou|dn't
bo so vory hard, and |t |sn't tho t|rst t|mo th|s k|nd ot th|ng has happonod.
l road your b|og tho othor day and roa||zod that you woro ta|k|ng d|roct|y to mo.'
l was bog|nn|ng to post my thoughts about tho journoy on a b|og. lt was st||| |n tho oxpor|monta| stago, and
s|nco l wroto tho p|ocos ahoad ot t|mo, l d|dn't know wh|ch art|c|o sho was rotorr|ng to. Evon so, thoro cou|d
corta|n|y havo boon no rotoronco |n |t to hor, g|von that l had mot hor on|y a tow soconds ago.
3ho takos out a p|oco ot papor conta|n|ng tho art|c|o. l know |t by hoart, a|though l can't romombor who
to|d mo tho story. A man ca||od A|| |s |n nood ot monoy and asks h|s boss to ho|p h|m. ||s boss sots h|m a
cha||ongo: |t ho can spond a|| n|ght on tho top ot a mounta|n, ho w||| roco|vo a groat roward, |t ho ta||s, ho w|||
havo to work tor troo. 1ho story cont|nuos:
boo bo |ot tbo sbop, A|l ootlcoo tbot oo lcy wloo wos b|owlog. lo o|t orolo ooo ooclooo to osk
bls bost rlooo, Ayol, l bo tboogbt bo wos moo to occopt tbo wogor. Ator coosloorlog tbo mottor or o
momoot, Ayol oosworoo, Loo`t worry, l`|| bo|p yoo. 7omorrow olgbt, wboo yoo`ro slttlog oo top o tbo
moootolo, |ook strolgbt obooo. l`|| bo oo tbo top o tbo moootolo opposlto, wboro l`|| koop o lro
borolog o|| olgbt or yoo. Look ot tbo lro ooo tblok o oor rlooosblp, ooo tbot wl|| koop yoo worm.
Yoo`|| moko lt tbroogb tbo olgbt, ooo otorworo, l`|| osk yoo or somotblog lo rotoro.'
A|l woo tbo wogor, got tbo moooy, ooo woot to bls rlooo`s booso.
Yoo solo yoo wootoo somo sort o poymoot lo rotoro.'
Ayol solo, Yos, bot lt lso`t moooy. Promlso tbot l ovor o co|o wloo b|ows tbroogb my |lo, yoo wl||
|lgbt tbo lro o rlooosblp or mo.'
l thank tho young woman tor hor k|ndnoss and to|| hor that l'm vory busy, but that |t sho wants to go to tho
ono s|gn|ng soss|on l'|| bo g|v|ng |n Voscow, l'|| bo happy to s|gn ono ot hor books.
1hat |sn't why l camo. l know about your journoy across luss|a by tra|n, and l'm go|ng w|th you. Whon l
road your t|rst book, l hoard a vo|co say|ng that you onco ||t a sacrod t|ro tor mo and that ono day l wou|d
havo to ropay tho tavor. l droamod about that t|ro n|ght attor n|ght, and ovon thought l wou|d havo to go to
3raz|| to t|nd you. l know you nood ho|p, wh|ch |s why l'm horo.'
1ho poop|o w|th mo |augh. l try to bo po||to, say|ng that l'm suro wo'|| soo oach othor tho noxt day. Vy
pub||shor oxp|a|ns to hor that somoono |s wa|t|ng tor mo, and l so|zo that as an oxcuso to say good-byo.
Vy namo |s |||a|,' sho says, botoro sho |oavos.
1on m|nutos |ator, l'm |n my hoto| room and havo a|roady torgotton about tho g|r| who approachod mo
outs|do tho hoto|. l can't ovon romombor hor namo, and |t l woro to moot hor aga|n now, l wou|dn't rocogn|zo
hor. |owovor, somoth|ng has |ott mo too||ng vaguo|y unoasy: |n hor oyos, l saw both |ovo and doath.
l 1AKE O|| All VY ClO1|E3, turn on tho showor, and stand bonoath tho wator-ono ot my tavor|to r|tua|s.
l pos|t|on my hoad so that a|| l can hoar |s tho sound ot tho wator |n my oars, wh|ch cuts mo ott trom
ovoryth|ng o|so, transport|ng mo |nto a d|ttoront wor|d. l|ko a conductor awaro ot ovory |nstrumont |n tho
orchostra, l bog|n to d|st|ngu|sh ovory sound, oach ono ot wh|ch bocomos a word. l can't undorstand thoso
words, but l know thoy ox|st.
1ho t|rodnoss, anx|oty, and too||ng ot d|sor|ontat|on that como trom v|s|t|ng so many d|ttoront countr|os
van|shos. W|th oach day that passos, l can soo that tho |ong journoy |s hav|ng tho dos|rod ottoct. 1. was
r|ght. l had boon a||ow|ng myso|t to bo s|ow|y po|sonod by rout|no, showors woro moro|y a mattor ot wash|ng
my sk|n c|oan, moa|s woro tor tood|ng my body, and tho so|o purposo ot wa|ks was to avo|d hoart prob|oms
|n tho tuturo.
low th|ngs aro chang|ng, |mporcopt|b|y, but thoy aro chang|ng. Voa|s aro t|mos whon l can vonorato tho
prosonco and tho toach|ngs ot tr|onds, wa|ks aro onco aga|n mod|tat|ons on tho prosont momont, and tho
sound ot wator |n my oars s||oncos my thoughts, ca|ms mo, and makos mo ro|oarn that |t |s thoso sma|| da||y
gosturos that br|ng us c|osor to God, as |ong as l am ab|o to g|vo oach gosturo tho va|uo |t dosorvos.
Whon 1. sa|d, loavo your comtortab|o ||to and go |n soarch ot your k|ngdom,' l to|t botrayod, contusod,
abandonod. l was hop|ng tor a so|ut|on or an answor to my doubts, somoth|ng that wou|d conso|o mo and
ho|p mo too| at poaco w|th my sou| aga|n. 1hoso who sot ott |n soarch ot tho|r k|ngdom know that thoy aro
go|ng to t|nd, |nstoad, on|y cha||ongos, |ong por|ods ot wa|t|ng, unoxpoctod changos, or, ovon worso,
noth|ng.
l`m oxoggorotlog. l wo sook somotblog, tbot somo tblog ls sooklog os.
lovortho|oss, you havo to bo proparod tor ovoryth|ng. At th|s po|nt, l mako tho doc|s|on l'vo boon nood|ng
to mako: ovon |t l t|nd noth|ng on th|s tra|n journoy, l w||| carry on, bocauso l'vo known s|nco that momont ot
roa||zat|on |n tho hoto| |n london that a|though my roots aro roady, my sou| has boon s|ow|y dy|ng trom
somoth|ng vory hard to dotoct and ovon hardor to curo.
lout|no.
lout|no has noth|ng to do w|th ropot|t|on. 1o bocomo roa||y good at anyth|ng, you havo to pract|co and
ropoat, pract|co and ropoat, unt|| tho tochn|quo bocomos |ntu|t|vo. l |oarnod th|s whon l was a ch||d, |n a
sma|| town |n 3raz||'s |ntor|or whoro my tam||y usod to spond tho summor ho||days. l was tasc|natod by tho
work ot a b|acksm|th who ||vod noarby. l wou|d s|t tor what soomod ||ko an otorn|ty, watch|ng h|s hammor
r|so and ta|| on tho rod-hot stoo|, scattor|ng sparks a|| around, ||ko t|roworks. Onco ho sa|d, You probab|y
th|nk l'm do|ng tho samo th|ng ovor and ovor, don't you?'
Yos,' l sa|d.
Wo||, you'ro wrong. Each t|mo l br|ng tho hammor down, tho |ntons|ty ot tho b|ow |s d|ttoront, somot|mos
|t's hardor, somot|mos |t's sottor. 3ut l |oarnod that on|y attor l'd boon ropoat|ng tho samo gosturo tor many
yoars, unt|| tho momont camo whon l d|dn't havo to th|nk-l s|mp|y |ot my hand gu|do my work.'
l'vo novor torgotton thoso words.
5haring 5ouIa
l lOOK A1 EAC| O| VY lEA0El3. l ho|d out my hand and thank thom tor bo|ng thoro. Vy body m|ght bo travo||ng,
but whon my sou| t||os trom c|ty to c|ty, l am novor a|ono, l am a|| tho many poop|o l moot and who havo
undorstood my sou| through my books. l'm not a strangor horo |n Voscow, or |n london, 3ot|a, 1un|s, K|ov,
3ant|ago do Composto|a, Gu|maraos, or any ot tho othor c|t|os l'vo v|s|tod |n tho |ast month and a ha|t.
l can hoar an argumont go|ng on boh|nd mo, but l try to concontrato on what l'm do|ng. 1ho argumont,
howovor, shows no s|gn ot abat|ng. ||na||y, l turn around and ask my pub||shor what tho prob|om |s.
lt's that g|r| trom yostorday. 3ho says sho wants to bo noar you.'
l can't ovon roca|| tho g|r| trom yostorday, but l ask thom at |oast to stop argu|ng. l carry on s|gn|ng books.
3omoono s|ts down c|oso to mo on|y to bo romovod by ono ot tho un|tormod socur|ty guards, and tho
argumont starts aga|n. l stop what l'm do|ng.
3os|do mo |s tho g|r| whoso oyos spoak ot |ovo and doath. |or tho t|rst t|mo, l tako a propor |ook at hor:
dark ha|r, botwoon twonty-two and twonty-n|no yoars o|d (l'm uso|oss at judg|ng poop|o's agos), a boat-up
|oathor jackot, joans, and snoakors.
Wo'vo chockod tho backpack,' says tho socur|ty man, and thoro's noth|ng to worry about. 3ut sho can't
stay horo.'
1ho g|r| s|mp|y sm||os. A roador |s wa|t|ng tor th|s convorsat|on to ond so that l can s|gn h|s books. l
roa||zo that tho g|r| |s not go|ng to |oavo.
Vy namo's |||a|, don't you romombor? l camo to ||ght tho sacrod t|ro.'
l ||o and say that yos, ot courso l romombor. 1ho poop|o |n tho quouo aro bog|nn|ng to grow |mpat|ont.
1ho roador at tho hoad ot tho quouo says somoth|ng |n luss|an to hor, and judg|ng trom h|s tono ot vo|co, l
sonso that |t was noth|ng vory p|oasant.
1horo |s a provorb |n lortuguoso, that says, What can't bo curod must bo ondurod.' 3|nco l don't havo
t|mo tor argumonts now and nood to mako a qu|ck doc|s|on, l s|mp|y ask hor to movo s||ght|y tarthor ott, so
that l can havo a ||tt|o pr|vacy w|th tho poop|o wa|t|ng. 3ho doos as askod, and goos to stand at a d|scroot
d|stanco trom mo.
3oconds |ator, l havo onco aga|n torgotton hor ox|stonco and am concontrat|ng on tho task at hand.
Evoryono thanks mo, and l thank thom |n roturn, and tho tour hours pass as |t l woro |n parad|so. l tako a
c|garotto broak ovory hour, but l'm not |n tho |oast t|rod. l |oavo oach book-s|gn|ng soss|on w|th my battor|os
rochargod and w|th moro onorgy than ovor.
Attorward, l ca|| tor a round ot app|auso tor tho organ|zors. lt's t|mo to movo on to my noxt ongagomont.
1ho g|r| whoso ox|stonco l had torgotton comos ovor to mo.
l havo somoth|ng |mportant to show you,' sho says.
1hat's not go|ng to bo poss|b|o,' l say. l havo a suppor to go to.'
lt's portoct|y poss|b|o,' sho rop||os. Vy namo |s |||a|. l was wa|t|ng tor you yostorday outs|do your hoto|.
And l can show you what l want to show you horo and now, wh||o you'ro wa|t|ng to |oavo.'
3otoro l can rospond, sho takos a v|o||n out ot hor backpack and starts to p|ay.
1ho roadors, who had bogun to dr|tt away, roturn tor th|s |mpromptu concort. |||a| p|ays w|th hor oyos
c|osod, as |t sho woro |n a tranco. l watch tho bow mov|ng back and torth, ||ght|y touch|ng tho str|ngs and
produc|ng th|s mus|c, wh|ch, ovon though l'vo novor hoard |t botoro, |s say|ng somoth|ng that l and ovoryono
o|so prosont nood to hoar. 3omot|mos sho pausos, somot|mos sho sooms to bo |n a stato ot ocstasy,
somot|mos hor who|o bo|ng dancos w|th tho |nstrumont, but most|y on|y hor uppor body and hor hands
movo.
Evory noto |oavos |n oach ot us a momory, but |t |s tho mo|ody as a who|o that to||s a story, tho story ot
somoono want|ng to got c|osor to anothor porson and who koops on try|ng, dosp|to ropoatod rojoct|ons.
Wh||o |||a| |s p|ay|ng, l romombor tho many occas|ons on wh|ch ho|p has como trom proc|so|y thoso poop|o
whom l thought had noth|ng to add to my ||to.
Whon sho stops p|ay|ng, thoro |s no app|auso, noth|ng, on|y an a|most pa|pab|o s||onco.
1hank you,' l say.
l'vo sharod a ||tt|o ot my sou|, but thoro |s st||| a |ot to do botoro l can tu|t||| my m|ss|on. Vay l como w|th
you?'
Gonora||y spoak|ng, pushy poop|o provoko ono ot two roact|ons |n mo: o|thor l turn and wa|k away or l
a||ow myso|t to bo bogu||od. l can't to|| somoono that tho|r droams aro |mposs|b|o. lot ovoryono has tho
strongth ot m|nd that Vn|ca showod |n that bar |n Cata|on|a, and |t l woro to porsuado just ono porson to
stop t|ght|ng tor somoth|ng thoy woro conv|ncod was worthwh||o, l wou|d ond up porsuad|ng myso|t, and my
who|o ||to wou|d bo d|m|n|shod.
lt has boon a vory sat|sty|ng day. l phono tho 3raz|||an ambassador and ask |t ho cou|d |nc|udo anothor
guost at suppor. vory k|nd|y, ho agroos, say|ng that my roadors aro my roprosontat|vos.
0E3ll1E 1|E |OlVAl A1VO3l|ElE, tho ambassador managos to put ovoryono at oaso. |||a| arr|vos woar|ng
an outt|t that l cons|dor to bo tasto|oss |n tho oxtromo, tu|| ot gaudy co|ors, |n sharp contrast w|th tho sobor
dross ot tho othor guosts. lot know|ng qu|to whoro to put th|s |ast-m|nuto arr|va|, tho organ|zors ond up
soat|ng hor |n tho p|aco ot honor, noxt to our host.
3otoro wo s|t down to suppor, my bost tr|ond |n luss|a, an |ndustr|a||st, oxp|a|ns that wo'ro go|ng to havo
prob|oms w|th tho subagont, who spont tho who|o ot tho cockta|| party pr|or to suppor argu|ng w|th hor
husband ovor tho phono.
About what, oxact|y?'
lt sooms that you agrood to go to tho c|ub whoro ho's tho managor but canco|od at tho |ast m|nuto.'
1horo wos somoth|ng |n my p|annor a|ong tho ||nos ot d|scuss tho monu tor tho journoy through 3|bor|a,'
wh|ch was tho |oast and most |rro|ovant ot my concorns on an attornoon dur|ng wh|ch l had roco|vod on|y
pos|t|vo onorgy. l canco|od tho moot|ng bocauso |t soomod so absurd, l'vo novor d|scussod monus |n my
ont|ro ||to. l protorrod to go back to tho hoto|, tako a showor, and |ot tho sound ot tho wator carry mo ott to
p|acos l can't ovon oxp|a|n to myso|t.
3uppor |s sorvod, para||o| convorsat|ons spr|ng up around tho tab|o, and, at ono po|nt, tho ambassador's
w|to k|nd|y asks |||a| about horso|t.
l was born |n 1urkoy and camo to study v|o||n |n Ekator|nburg whon l was two|vo. l assumo you know how
mus|c|ans aro so|octod?'
lo, tho ambassador's w|to doosn't. 3uddon|y, thoro soom to bo towor para||o| convorsat|ons go|ng on.
lorhaps ovoryono |s |ntorostod |n that awkward young woman |n tho gar|sh c|othos.
Any ch||d who starts p|ay|ng an |nstrumont has to pract|co tor a sot numbor ot hours por wook. At that
stago, thoy'ro a|| doomod capab|o ot portorm|ng |n an orchostra ono day. As thoy grow o|dor, somo start
pract|c|ng moro than othors. ln tho ond, thoro |s just a sma|| group ot outstand|ng studonts who pract|co tor
noar|y torty hours a wook. 3couts trom b|g orchostras v|s|t tho mus|c schoo|s |n soarch ot now ta|ont, who
aro thon |nv|tod to turn protoss|ona|. 1hat's what happonod to mo.'
lt wou|d soom that you tound your vocat|on,' says tho ambassador. Wo'ro not a|| so |ucky.'
lt wasn't oxact|y my vocat|on. l startod pract|c|ng a |ot bocauso l was soxua||y abusod whon l was ton.'
A|| convorsat|on around tho tab|o stops. 1ho ambassador tr|os to chango tho subjoct and makos somo
commont about 3raz|| nogot|at|ng w|th luss|a on tho oxport and |mport ot hoavy mach|nory, but no ono,
abso|uto|y no ono, |s |ntorostod |n my country's trado ba|anco. lt ta||s to mo to p|ck up tho throad ot tho story.
|||a|, |t you wou|dn't m|nd, l th|nk ovoryono horo wou|d bo |ntorostod to know what ro|at|on thoro |s
botwoon bo|ng a young v|ct|m ot soxua| abuso and bocom|ng a v|o||n v|rtuoso.'
What doos your namo moan?' asks tho ambassador's w|to |n a |ast dosporato attompt to tako tho
convorsat|on ott |n anothor d|roct|on.
ln 1urk|sh |t moans 'now moon.' lt's tho symbo| on our nat|ona| t|ag. Vy tathor was an ardont nat|ona||st.
Actua||y, |t's a namo moro common among boys than g|r|s. lt has anothor moan|ng |n Arab|c, apparont|y, but
l don't qu|to know what.'
l rotuso to bo s|dotrackod.
1o go back to what wo woro ta|k|ng about, wou|d you m|nd oxp|a|n|ng? Wo'ro among tam||y.'
|am||y? Vost ot tho poop|o horo mot tor tho t|rst t|mo ovor suppor.
Evoryono sooms suddon|y vory prooccup|od w|th tho|r p|atos, cut|ory, and g|assos, protond|ng to bo
concontrat|ng on tho tood but |ong|ng to know tho rost ot hor story. |||a| spoaks as |t what sho |s ta|k|ng
about |s tho most natura| th|ng |n tho wor|d.
lt was a no|ghbor, whom ovoryono thought ot as gont|o and ho|ptu|, a good man to havo around |n an
omorgoncy. |o was marr|od and had two daughtors my ago. Whonovor l wont to h|s houso to p|ay w|th
thom, ho wou|d s|t mo on h|s knoo and to|| mo n|co stor|os. Wh||o ho was do|ng th|s, howovor, h|s hand
wou|d bo wandor|ng a|| ovor my body, and at t|rst l took th|s as a s|gn ot attoct|on. As t|mo passod, though,
ho bogan touch|ng mo botwoon my |ogs and ask|ng mo to touch h|s pon|s, th|ngs ||ko that.'
3ho |ooks at tho othor t|vo womon around tho tab|o and says, lt's not at a|| uncommon, untortunato|y.
Wou|dn't you agroo?'
lo ono answors, but my |nst|nct to||s mo that at |oast ono or two wou|d havo oxpor|oncod somoth|ng
s|m||ar.
Anyway, that wasn't tho on|y prob|om. 1ho worst th|ng was that l startod to onjoy |t, ovon though l know |t
was wrong. 1hon, ono day, l doc|dod not to go back thoro, dosp|to my paronts to|||ng mo that l ought to p|ay
w|th our no|ghbor's daughtors moro. At tho t|mo l was |oarn|ng tho v|o||n, and so l to|d thom that l wasn't
gott|ng on wo|| |n my c|assos and noodod to pract|co. l startod p|ay|ng compu|s|vo|y, dosporato|y.'
lo ono movos, no ono knows qu|to what to say.
And bocauso l carr|od a|| that gu||t around |ns|do mo, bocauso v|ct|ms a|ways ond up cons|dor|ng
thomso|vos to bo tho cu|pr|ts, l doc|dod to koop pun|sh|ng myso|t. 3o, |n my ro|at|onsh|ps w|th mon, l'vo
a|ways sought suttor|ng, cont||ct, and dospa|r.'
3ho |ooks stra|ght at mo, and tho who|o tab|o not|cos.
3ut that's go|ng to chango now, |sn't that r|ght?'
|av|ng boon |n chargo ot tho s|tuat|on up to that po|nt, l suddon|y |oso contro|. A|| l can do |s muttor, Yos,
wo||, l hopo so,' and qu|ck|y stoor tho convorsat|on around to tho boaut|tu| bu||d|ng that housos tho 3raz|||an
ombassy |n luss|a.
W|El WE lEAvE, l ask whoro |||a| |s stay|ng and chock w|th my |ndustr|a||st tr|ond to soo |t ho wou|d m|nd
tak|ng hor homo botoro dropp|ng mo ott at my hoto|. |o agroos.
1hank you tor tho v|o||n mus|c, and thank you tor shar|ng your story w|th a group ot portoct strangors.
low, oach morn|ng, whon your m|nd |s st||| ompty, dovoto a ||tt|o t|mo to tho 0|v|no. 1ho a|r conta|ns a
cosm|c torco tor wh|ch ovory cu|turo has a d|ttoront namo, but that doosn't mattor. 1ho |mportant th|ng |s to
do what l'm to|||ng you now. lnha|o doop|y and ask tor a|| tho b|oss|ngs |n tho a|r to ontor your body and t|||
ovory co||. 1hon oxha|o s|ow|y, projoct|ng happ|noss and poaco around you. lopoat th|s ton t|mos. You'|| bo
ho|p|ng to hoa| yourso|t and contr|but|ng to hoa||ng tho wor|d as wo||.'
What do you moan?'
loth|ng. 1ust do tho oxorc|so. You'|| gradua||y orad|cato your nogat|vo too||ngs about |ovo. 0on't |ot
yourso|t bo dostroyod by a torco that was p|acod |n our hoarts |n ordor to mako ovoryth|ng bottor. 3roatho
|n, |nha||ng whatovor ox|sts |n tho |oavons and on Earth. 3roatho out boauty and tocund|ty. 3o||ovo mo, |t
w||| work.'
l d|dn't como horo to |oarn an oxorc|so l cou|d t|nd |n any book on yoga,' says |||a|, angr||y.
Outs|do, Voscow |s parad|ng past. What l wou|d roa||y ||ko |s to wandor tho stroots and havo a cottoo
somowhoro, but |t's boon a |ong day and l havo to got up oar|y tomorrow tor a sor|os ot ongagomonts.
3o l can como w|th you, thon?'
Can sho ta|k ot noth|ng o|so? l mot hor |oss than twonty-tour hours ago-|t you can ca|| such a strango
oncountor a moot|ng. Vy tr|ond |aughs. l try to roma|n sor|ous.
look, l took you to tho ambassador's suppor. lsn't that onough? l'm not mak|ng th|s journoy to promoto
my books.' l hos|tato. l'm do|ng |t tor porsona| roasons.'
Yos, l know.'
3omoth|ng about tho way sho says th|s makos mo too| that sho roa||y doos know, but l chooso not to trust
my |nst|ncts.
l'vo mado many mon suttor, and l'vo suttorod groat|y, too,' |||a| goos on. 1ho ||ght ot |ovo t|ows out ot my
sou|, but |t can go nowhoro bocauso |t's b|ockod by pa|n. l cou|d |nha|o and oxha|o ovory morn|ng tor tho rost
ot my ||to, but that wou|dn't so|vo anyth|ng. l'vo tr|od to oxpross my |ovo through tho v|o||n, but that's not
onough, o|thor. l know that you can hoa| mo and that l can hoa| what you'ro too||ng. l'vo ||t a t|ro on tho
mounta|n oppos|to yours, you can count on mo.'
Why was sho say|ng th|s?
What hurts us |s what hoa|s us,' sho sa|d. l|to has boon vory hard on mo, but, at tho samo t|mo, |t has
taught mo a groat doa|. You can't soo |t, but my body |s covorod |n opon wounds that aro constant|y
b|ood|ng. l wako oach morn|ng want|ng to d|o botoro tho day |s out, but l cont|nuo to ||vo, suttor|ng and
t|ght|ng, t|ght|ng and suttor|ng, c||ng|ng on to tho corta|nty that |t w||| a|| ond ono day. l|oaso, don't |oavo mo
a|ono horo. 1h|s journoy |s my sa|vat|on.'
Vy tr|ond stops tho car, puts h|s hand |n h|s pockot, and hands |||a| a wad ot notos.
|o doosn't own tho tra|n,' ho says. 1ako th|s, |t shou|d bo moro than onough tor a socond-c|ass t|ckot
and throo moa|s a day.'
1hon, turn|ng to mo, ho says, You know tho pa|n l'm go|ng through at tho momont. 1ho woman l |ovo has
d|od, and l, too, cou|d |nha|o and oxha|o tor tho rost ot my ||to, but l'm novor go|ng to bo tru|y happy aga|n. Vy
wounds aro opon and b|ood|ng, too. l undorstand oxact|y what th|s young woman |s say|ng. l know you'ro
mak|ng th|s journoy tor ont|ro|y porsona| roasons, but don't |oavo hor a|ono ||ko th|s. lt you bo||ovo |n tho
words you wr|to, a||ow tho poop|o around you to grow w|th you.'
Okay, t|no,' l say to hor. |o's r|ght, l don't own tho tra|n, but l just want you to know that l'm go|ng to bo
surroundod by poop|o most ot tho t|mo, so thoro won't bo many opportun|t|os to ta|k.'
Vy tr|ond starts tho ong|no aga|n and dr|vos tor anothor t|ttoon m|nutos |n s||onco. Wo roach a |oaty
squaro. 3ho to||s h|m whoro to park, jumps out, and says good-byo. l got out ot tho car and accompany hor
to tho door ot tho houso whoro sho's stay|ng w|th tr|onds.
3ho k|ssos mo br|ot|y on tho ||ps.
Your tr|ond |s m|stakon, but |t l woro to |ook too happy, ho m|ght tako h|s monoy back,' sho says, sm|||ng.
Vy suttor|ng |s noth|ng comparod to h|s. 3os|dos, l'vo novor boon as happy as l am now, bocauso l
to||owod tho s|gns, l was pat|ont, and l know that th|s |s go|ng to chango ovoryth|ng.'
3ho turns and goos |nto tho bu||d|ng.
On|y thon, as l wa|k back to tho car, |ook|ng at my tr|ond who has got out to smoko a c|garotto and |s
sm|||ng bocauso ho saw that qu|ck k|ss, on|y thon, as l ||ston to tho w|nd |n tho troos rostorod to ||to by tho
torco ot tho spr|ng, am l awaro that l'm |n a c|ty l don't know vory wo|| but wh|ch l |ovo. On|y thon, as l too| tor
tho pack ot c|garottos |n my pockot, th|nk|ng that tomorrow l'|| bo sott|ng ott on a |ong-droamod-ot advonturo,
on|y thon .
. on|y thon do l romombor tho warn|ng g|von by tho c|a|rvoyant l mot at voron|quo's houso. |o'd sa|d
somoth|ng about 1urkoy, but qu|to what l can't romombor.
0,288
1|E 1lAl3-3l3EllAl lAllWAY |s ono ot tho |ongost ra||ways |n tho wor|d. You can start your journoy at any
stat|on |n Europo, but tho luss|an soct|on |s 0,288 k||omotors |ong, connoct|ng hundrods ot sma|| and |argo
c|t|os, travors|ng sovonty-s|x porcont ot tho country and pass|ng through sovon d|ttoront t|mo zonos. Whon l
ontor tho tra|n stat|on |n Voscow, at o|ovon o'c|ock at n|ght, day has a|roady dawnod |n v|ad|vostok, our t|na|
dost|nat|on.
Unt|| tho ond ot tho n|notoonth contury, tow travo|ors vonturod |nto 3|bor|a, wh|ch ho|ds tho rocord tor tho
|owost tomporaturo ovor |n a pormanont|y |nhab|tod |ocat|on: -72.2C |n tho town ot Oymyakon. 1ho r|vors
that ||nkod tho rog|on to tho rost ot tho wor|d usod to bo tho ma|n moans ot transport, but thoy woro trozon tor
o|ght months ot tho yoar. 1ho popu|at|on ot Contra| As|a ||vod |n a|most comp|oto |so|at|on, a|though |t was
tho sourco ot most ot tho thon luss|an Emp|ro's natura| woa|th. |or stratog|c and po||t|ca| roasons,
A|oxandor lll approvod tho construct|on ot tho ra||way, tho cost ot wh|ch was oxcoodod on|y by lmpor|a|
luss|a's m|||tary budgot dur|ng tho who|o ot tho ||rst Wor|d War.
0ur|ng tho c|v|| war that oruptod |mmod|ato|y attor tho Commun|st lovo|ut|on ot 1017, tho ra||way bocamo
tho tocus ot t|ght|ng. |orcos |oya| to tho doposod tsar-notab|y, tho Czoch log|on-usod armorod
carr|agos, wh|ch actod as tanks on ra||s and woro thus ab|o to ropo| attacks by tho lod Army w|th ro|at|vo
oaso as |ong as thoy woro kopt supp||od w|th mun|t|ons and prov|s|ons trom tho East. 1hat was whon tho
sabotours woro sont |nto act|on, b|ow|ng up br|dgos and cutt|ng commun|cat|ons. 1ho pro-lmpor|a| torcos
woro dr|von to tho outor roachos ot tho luss|an cont|nont, and many crossod ovor |nto Canada, trom whoro
thoy d|sporsod to othor countr|os.
Whon l ontorod tho stat|on at Voscow, tho pr|co ot a t|ckot trom Europo to tho lac|t|c Ocoan |n a
compartmont sharod w|th throo othor poop|o cou|d cost anyth|ng botwoon th|rty and s|xty ouros.
VY |ll31 l|O1O was ot tho doparturos board show|ng that our tra|n was duo to |oavo at 28:1b! Vy hoart was
boat|ng tast, as |t l woro a ch||d aga|n, watch|ng my toy tra|n chugg|ng around tho room and |ott|ng my m|nd
travo| to d|stant p|acos, as d|stant as tho ono |n wh|ch l tound myso|t now.
Vy convorsat|on w|th 1. |n 3a|nt Vart|n just ovor throo months botoro to|t as |t |t had happonod |n a
prov|ous |ncarnat|on. What |d|ot|c quost|ons l had askod! What was tho moan|ng ot ||to? Why can l mako no
progross? Why |s tho sp|r|tua| wor|d mov|ng tarthor and tarthor away? 1ho answor cou|dn't havo boon
s|mp|or: bocauso l wasn't roa||y ||v|ng!
|ow good |t was to go back to bo|ng a ch||d, too||ng my b|ood t|ow|ng |n my vo|ns and my oyos sh|n|ng,
thr||||ng to tho s|ght ot tho crowdod p|attorm, tho smo|| ot o|| and tood, tho squoa| ot brakos as a tra|n camo
|nto tho stat|on, tho shr||| sounds ot |uggago vans and wh|st|os.
1o ||vo |s to oxpor|onco th|ngs, not s|t around pondor|ng tho moan|ng ot ||to. Obv|ous|y, not ovoryono
noods to cross As|a or to||ow tho load to 3ant|ago. l know an abbot |n Austr|a who raro|y |ott h|s monastory
|n Vo|k, and yot ho undorstood tho wor|d tar bottor than many travo|ors l havo mot. l havo a tr|ond who
oxpor|oncod groat sp|r|tua| rovo|at|ons just trom watch|ng h|s ch||dron s|oop|ng. Whon my w|to starts work
on a now pa|nt|ng, sho ontors a k|nd ot tranco and spoaks to hor guard|an ango|.
3ut l am a born p||gr|m. Evon whon l'm too||ng roa||y |azy or l'm m|ss|ng homo, l nood tako on|y ono stop to
bo carr|od away by tho oxc|tomont ot tho journoy. ln Yaros|av| stat|on, mak|ng my way ovor to p|attorm t|vo, l
roa||zo that l w||| novor roach my goa| by stay|ng |n tho samo p|aco a|| tho t|mo. l can spoak to my sou| on|y
whon tho two ot us aro ott oxp|or|ng dosorts or c|t|os or mounta|ns or roads.
Wo aro |n tho |ast carr|ago, wh|ch w||| bo coup|od and docoup|od at var|ous stat|ons a|ong tho way. l can't
soo tho ong|no trom whoro l am, on|y tho g|ant stoo| snako ot tho tra|n and var|ous othor passongors-
Vongo|s, 1atars, luss|ans, Ch|noso-somo ot whom aro s|tt|ng on hugo trunks, and a|| ot whom aro wa|t|ng
tor tho doors to opon. loop|o como ovor to ta|k to mo, but l movo away. l don't want to th|nk about anyth|ng
o|so, apart trom tho tact that l'm horo now, roady tor yot anothor doparturo and a now cha||ongo.
1|l3 VOVEl1 O| C|ll0l3| EC31A3Y must havo |astod at most t|vo m|nutos, but l took |n ovory dota||, ovory
sound, ovory smo||. l won't bo ab|o to romombor anyth|ng attorward, but that doosn't mattor, t|mo |s not a
cassotto tapo that can bo wound and rowound.
Loo`t tblok oboot wbot yoo`|| to|| poop|o otorworo. 7bo tlmo ls boro ooo oow. Voko tbo most o lt.'
l approach tho rost ot tho group and roa||zo that thoy'ro a|| as oxc|tod as l am. l'm |ntroducod to tho
trans|ator who w||| bo travo||ng w|th mo. ||s namo |s Yao. |o was born |n Ch|na but wont to 3raz|| as a
rotugoo dur|ng tho c|v|| war |n h|s country. |o thon stud|od |n 1apan and |s now a rot|rod |anguago toachor
trom tho Un|vors|ty ot Voscow. |o must bo about sovonty. |o |s ta|| and tho on|y ono |n tho group who |s
|mpoccab|y drossod |n a su|t and t|o.
Vy namo moans 'vory d|stant,' ' ho says, to broak tho |co.
Vy namo moans '||tt|o rock,' ' l to|| h|m, sm|||ng. ln tact, l havo had tho samo sm||o on my taco s|nco |ast
n|ght, whon l cou|d baro|y s|oop tor th|nk|ng about today's advonturo. l cou|dn't bo |n a bottor mood.
1ho omn|prosont |||a| |s stand|ng noar tho carr|ago l'|| bo travo||ng |n, ovon though hor compartmont must
bo tar trom m|no. l wasn't surpr|sod to soo hor thoro. l assumod sho wou|d bo. l b|ow hor a k|ss, and sho
rosponds w|th a sm||o. At somo po|nt on tho journoy, l'm suro wo'|| onjoy an |ntorost|ng convorsat|on or two.
l stand vory st|||, |ntont on ovory dota|| around mo ||ko a nav|gator about to sot sa|| |n soarch ot tho Voro
lgootom. Vy trans|ator rospocts my s||onco, but l roa||zo that somoth|ng |s wrong, bocauso my pub||shor
sooms prooccup|od. l ask Yao what's go|ng on.
|o oxp|a|ns that tho porson roprosont|ng mo |n luss|a has not arr|vod. l romombor tho convorsat|on w|th
my tr|ond tho n|ght botoro, but what doos |t mattor? lt sho hasn't turnod up, that's hor prob|om.
l not|co |||a| say somoth|ng to my od|tor. 3ho roco|vos a brusquo rop|y but doosn't |oso hor coo|, just as
sho d|dn't whon l to|d hor wo cou|dn't moot. l am gott|ng to ||ko tho tact that sho |s horo moro and moro, l ||ko
hor dotorm|nat|on, hor po|so. 1ho two womon aro argu|ng now.
l aga|n ask tho trans|ator to oxp|a|n what's go|ng on, and ho says that my od|tor has askod |||a| to go
back to hor own carr|ago. lot cbooco, l th|nk to myso|t. 7bot yooog womoo wl|| oo oxoct|y wbot sbo woots
to. l amuso myso|t by obsorv|ng tho on|y th|ngs l can undorstand: |ntonat|on and body |anguago. Whon l th|nk
tho momont |s r|ght, l go ovor to thom, st||| sm|||ng.
Como on, |ot's not start ott on a nogat|vo v|bo. Wo'ro a|| happy and oxc|tod, sott|ng ott on a journoy nono
ot us has ovor mado botoro.'
3ut sho wants-'
1ust |oavo hor a|ono. 3ho can go to hor own compartmont |ator on.'
Vy od|tor doos not |ns|st.
1ho doors opon w|th a no|so that ochoos down tho p|attorm, and poop|o start to movo. Who aro thoso
poop|o c||mb|ng |nto tho carr|agos? What doos th|s journoy moan to oach passongor? A roun|on w|th tho|r
|ovod onos, a tam||y v|s|t, a quost tor woa|th, a tr|umphant or shamotacod roturn homo, a d|scovory, an
advonturo, a nood to t|oo or to t|nd. 1ho tra|n |s t||||ng up w|th a|| thoso poss|b|||t|os.
|||a| p|cks up hor |uggago-wh|ch cons|sts ot hor backpack and a br|ght|y co|orod bag-and proparos to
c||mb |nto tho carr|ago w|th us. 1ho pub||shor |s sm|||ng as |t sho woro p|oasod w|th tho way tho argumont
had ondod, but l know that sho w||| so|zo tho t|rst opportun|ty to tako hor rovongo. 1horo's no po|nt oxp|a|n|ng
that a|| wo ach|ovo by oxact|ng rovongo |s to mako ourso|vos tho oqua|s ot our onom|os, whoroas by
torg|v|ng wo show w|sdom and |nto|||gonco. Apart trom monks |n tho ||ma|ayas and sa|nts |n tho dosorts, l
th|nk wo a|| havo thoso vongotu| too||ngs bocauso thoy'ro an ossont|a| part ot tho human cond|t|on. Wo
shou|dn't judgo ourso|vos too harsh|y.
OUl CAlllAGE COVlll3E3 |OUl COVlAl1VEl13, bathrooms, a sma|| |oungo aroa, whoro l assumo wo w|||
spond most ot tho t|mo, and a k|tchon.
l go to my compartmont, wh|ch cons|sts ot a doub|o bod, a wardrobo, a tab|o and a cha|r tac|ng tho
w|ndow, and a door that opons onto ono ot tho bathrooms. At tho ond |s anothor door. l go ovor and opon |t
and soo that |t |oads |nto an ompty room. lt wou|d soom that tho two compartmonts sharo tho samo
bathroom.
Ah, |t was obv|ous|y |ntondod tor tho roprosontat|vo who d|d not turn up. 3ut what doos that mattor?
1ho wh|st|o sounds. 1ho tra|n s|ow|y starts to movo. Wo a|| rush to tho |oungo w|ndow and wavo good-byo
to poop|o wo'vo novor soon botoro. Wo watch tho p|attorm rap|d|y bo|ng |ott boh|nd, tho ||ghts pass|ng tastor
and tastor, tho tracks, tho d|m o|octr|c cab|os. l'm |mprossod by how qu|ot ovoryono |s, nono ot us wants to
ta|k, bocauso wo aro a|| droam|ng about what m|ght happon, and no ono, l'm suro, |s th|nk|ng about what
thoy'vo |ott boh|nd but about what ||os ahoad.
Whon tho tracks d|sappoar |nto tho b|ack n|ght, wo s|t around tho tab|o. 1horo's a baskot ot tru|t wo cou|d
oat, but wo had suppor |n Voscow. 1ho on|y th|ng that awakons ovoryono's |ntorost |s a g|oam|ng bott|o ot
vodka, wh|ch wo |mmod|ato|y opon. Wo dr|nk and ta|k about ovoryth|ng but tho journoy, bocauso that |s tho
prosont, not tho past. Wo dr|nk somo moro and bog|n to rovoa| what wo a|| oxpoct trom tho com|ng days.
Wo cont|nuo to dr|nk, and an |ntoct|ous joy t|||s tho room. 3uddon|y, |t's as |t wo'vo known ono anothor a|| our
||vos.
1ho trans|ator to||s mo somoth|ng ot h|s ||to and pass|ons: ||toraturo, travo||ng, and tho mart|a| arts. As |t
happons, l |oarnod a|k|do whon l was young, and ho says that |t wo got borod at any po|nt and run out ot
convorsat|on, wo can a|ways do a ||tt|o tra|n|ng |n tho t|ny corr|dor bos|do tho compartmonts.
|||a| |s ta|k|ng to tho samo od|tor who hadn't wantod hor to got |nto tho carr|ago. l know that both aro
try|ng to patch up tho|r m|sundorstand|ng, but l know, too, that tomorrow |s anothor day, and cont|nomont
togothor |n a sma|| spaco tonds to oxacorbato cont||cts. Anothor argumont |s suro to broak out. lot tor a
wh||o, though, l hopo.
1ho trans|ator appoars to havo road my thoughts. |o pours ovoryono moro vodka and ta|ks about how
cont||cts aro roso|vod |n a|k|do.
lt's not roa||y t|ght|ng. What wo a|m to do |s ca|m tho sp|r|t and got |n touch w|th tho sourco trom wh|ch
ovoryth|ng comos, romov|ng any traco ot ma||co or ogot|sm. lt you spond too much t|mo try|ng to t|nd out
what |s good or bad about somoono o|so, you'|| torgot your own sou| and ond up oxhaustod and dotoatod by
tho onorgy you havo wastod |n judg|ng othors.'
lo ono sooms vory |ntorostod |n what a man ot sovonty has to say. 1ho |n|t|a| ouphor|a provokod by tho
vodka g|vos way to a co||oct|vo woar|noss. At ono po|nt, l got up to go to tho to||ot, and whon l roturn, tho
room |s ompty.
Apart trom |||a|, ot courso.
Whoro |s ovoryono?' l ask.
1hoy woro bo|ng po||to and wa|t|ng tor you to |oavo so that thoy cou|d go to bod.'
You'd bottor do tho samo.'
3ut thoro's an ompty compartmont horo-'
l p|ck up hor backpack and bag, tako hor gont|y by tho arm, and |oad hor to tho ond ot tho carr|ago.
0on't push your |uck. Good n|ght.'
3ho |ooks at mo but says noth|ng and hoads tor hor compartmont, a|though l havo no |doa whoro that |s.
l rot|ro to my room, and my oxc|tomont bocomos |ntonso woar|noss. l p|aco my computor on tho tab|o and
my sa|nts-who go ovorywhoro w|th mo-bos|do tho bod, thon l go to tho bathroom to c|oan my tooth. 1h|s
turns out to bo a tar hardor task than l'd |mag|nod. 1ho g|ass ot m|nora| wator |n my hand koops |urch|ng
about w|th tho movomont ot tho tra|n. Attor var|ous attompts, l ach|ovo my objoct|vo.
l put on tho 1-sh|rt l woar |n bod, smoko a c|garotto, turn ott tho ||ght, c|oso my oyos, and |mag|no that tho
sway|ng |s rathor ||ko bo|ng |ns|do tho womb and that l w||| spond a n|ght b|ossod by tho ango|s. A va|n
hopo.
EiIaI'a Eyoa
W|El 0AY |llAllY 0AWl3, l got up, chango my c|othos, and go |nto tho |oungo. Evoryono o|so |s thoro, too,
|nc|ud|ng |||a|.
You havo to wr|to a noto g|v|ng mo porm|ss|on to como back horo,' sho announcos, botoro sho has ovon
sa|d Good morn|ng.' l had a torr|b|o t|mo gott|ng horo today, and tho guards |n ovory carr|ago sa|d that
thoy wou|d |ot mo through on|y |t-'
l |gnoro hor |ast words and groot tho othors. l ask |t thoy had a good n|ght.
lo,' comos tho co||oct|vo rosponso.
3o |t wasn't just mo.
l s|opt roa||y wo||,' says |||a|, unawaro that sho |s provok|ng tho gonora| wrath ot hor to||ow travo|ors. Vy
carr|ago |s r|ght |n tho m|dd|o ot tho tra|n, and so |t doosn't |urch about so much. 1h|s |s tho worst poss|b|o
carr|ago to bo travo||ng |n.'
Vy pub||shor sooms as though ho's about to mako somo rudo commont but rostra|ns h|mso|t. ||s w|to
|ooks out tho w|ndow and ||ghts a c|garotto to d|sgu|so hor |rr|tat|on. Vy od|tor pu||s a taco that says moro
c|oar|y than any words: 0|dn't l to|| you sho'd bo |n tho way?'
Evory day l'm go|ng to wr|to down a thought and st|ck |t on tho m|rror,' says Yao, who a|so appoars to
havo s|opt wo||.
|o gots up, goos ovor to tho m|rror |n tho |oungo, and st|cks a b|t ot papor on |t, wh|ch says: lt you want to
soo a ra|nbow you havo to |oarn to ||ko tho ra|n.'
lo ono |s too koon on th|s opt|m|st|c say|ng. Ono doosn't havo to bo a m|nd roador to know what's go|ng
through ovoryono's hoad: Good gr|ot, |s th|s what |t's go|ng to bo ||ko tor anothor n|no thousand
k||omotors?'
l'vo got a photo on my co|| phono l'd ||ko to show you,' says |||a|. And l brought my v|o||n w|th mo, too, |t
anyono wants to ||ston to somo mus|c.'
Wo'ro a|roady ||ston|ng to tho mus|c trom tho rad|o |n tho k|tchon. 1ho tons|on |n tho carr|ago |s r|s|ng. Any
momont now, somoono |s go|ng to oxp|odo, and l won't bo ab|o to do anyth|ng about |t.
look, just |ot us oat our broaktast |n poaco. You'ro wo|como to jo|n us |t you want. 1hon l'm go|ng to try to
got somo s|oop. l'|| |ook at your photo |ator.'
1horo |s a no|so ||ko thundor. A tra|n passos, travo||ng |n tho oppos|to d|roct|on, somoth|ng that happonod
throughout tho n|ght w|th tr|ghton|ng rogu|ar|ty. And tar trom rom|nd|ng mo ot tho gont|o rock|ng ot a crad|o,
tho sway|ng ot tho carr|ago to|t much moro ||ko bo|ng |ns|do a cockta|| shakor. l too| phys|ca||y ||| and vory
gu||ty tor hav|ng draggod a|| thoso othor poop|o a|ong on my advonturo. l'm bog|nn|ng to undorstand why, |n
lortuguoso, a ta|rground ro||or coastor |s ca||od a mootoobo-rosso, or luss|an mounta|n.
|||a| and Yao tho trans|ator mako sovora| attompts to start a convorsat|on, but no ono at tho tab|o-tho
two pub||shors, tho w|to ot ono ot tho pub||shors, tho wr|tor whoso |doa th|s tr|p was-takos thom up. Wo oat
our broaktast |n s||onco. Outs|do, tho |andscapo ropoats |tso|t ovor and ovor-sma|| towns, torosts, sma||
towns, torosts.
Ono ot tho pub||shors asks Yao, |ow |ong botoro wo roach Ekator|nburg?'
1ust attor m|dn|ght.'
1horo |s a gonora| s|gh ot ro||ot. lorhaps wo can chango our m|nds and say that onough |s onough. You
don't nood to c||mb a mounta|n |n ordor to know that |t's h|gh, you don't havo to go a|| tho way to v|ad|vostok
to bo ab|o to say that you'vo travo|od on tho 1rans-3|bor|an la||way.
l|ght. l'm go|ng to try and got somo s|oop.'
l stand up. |||a| stands up, too.
What about tho p|oco ot papor? And tho photo on my co|| phono?'
l|oco ot papor? Ah, ot courso, tho porm|ss|on sho noods to bo ab|o to v|s|t our carr|ago. 3otoro l can say
anyth|ng, Yao has wr|tton somoth|ng |n luss|an tor mo to s|gn. Evoryono-|nc|ud|ng mo-g|aros at h|m.
Wou|d you m|nd add|ng 'onco a day,' p|oaso?'
Yao doos th|s, thon gots up and says that ho'|| go |n soarch ot a guard w||||ng to stamp tho documont.
And what about tho photo?'
3y now, l'|| agroo to anyth|ng |t l can just roturn to my compartmont and s|oop, but l don't want to annoy my
compan|ons, who aro, attor a||, pay|ng tor th|s tr|p. l ask |||a| to go w|th mo to tho othor ond ot tho carr|ago.
Wo opon tho t|rst door and t|nd ourso|vos |n a sma|| aroa w|th two oxtor|or doors and a th|rd |oad|ng to tho
noxt carr|ago. 1ho no|so thoro |s unboarab|o bocauso, as wo|| as tho rackot mado by tho whoo|s on tho
ra||s, thoro |s tho gr|nd|ng no|so mado by tho mota| p|atos ||nk|ng tho carr|agos.
|||a| shows mo tho photo on hor co|| phono, poss|b|y takon just attor dawn. lt's a photo ot a |ong c|oud |n
tho sky.
0o you soo?'
Yos, l can soo a c|oud.
Wo'ro bo|ng accompan|od on th|s journoy.'
Wo'ro bo|ng accompan|od by a c|oud that w||| |ong s|nco havo d|sappoarod torovor. l cont|nuo to
acqu|osco |n tho hopo that tho convorsat|on w||| soon bo ovor.
Yos, you'ro r|ght. 3ut |ot's ta|k about |t |ator. low go back to your own compartmont.'
l can't. You on|y gavo mo porm|ss|on to como horo onco a day.'
1|rodnoss must bo attoct|ng my roason|ng powors, bocauso l roa||zo now that l havo croatod a monstor. lt
sho can como on|y onco a day, sho'|| arr|vo |n tho morn|ng and not |oavo unt|| n|ghtt|mo, an orror l'|| try to
corroct |ator.
l|ston, l'm a guost on th|s journoy, too. l'd |ovo to havo your company a|| tho t|mo, bocauso you'ro a|ways
so tu|| ot onorgy and novor tako no tor an answor, but you soo . '
1hoso oyos. Groon and w|thout a traco ot makoup.
You soo .'
lorhaps l'm just oxhaustod. Attor moro than twonty-tour hours w|thout s|oop, wo |oso a|most a|| ot our
dotonsos. 1hat's tho stato l'm |n now. 1ho vost|bu|o aroa, baro ot any turn|turo, mado ot on|y g|ass and stoo|,
|s bog|nn|ng to grow tuzzy. 1ho no|so |s start|ng to d|m|n|sh, my concontrat|on |s go|ng, and l'm not ont|ro|y
suro who or whoro l am. l know that l'm ask|ng hor to cooporato, to go back whoro sho camo trom, but tho
words com|ng out ot my mouth boar no ro|at|on to what l'm soo|ng.
l'm |ook|ng at tho ||ght, at a sacrod p|aco, and a wavo washos ovor mo, t||||ng mo w|th poaco and |ovo, two
th|ngs that raro|y como togothor. l can soo myso|t, but, at tho samo t|mo, l can soo o|ophants |n Atr|ca
wav|ng tho|r trunks, camo|s |n tho dosort, poop|o chatt|ng |n a bar |n 3uonos A|ros, a dog cross|ng tho
stroot, tho brush bo|ng w|o|dod by a woman t|n|sh|ng a pa|nt|ng ot a roso, snow mo|t|ng on a mounta|n |n
3w|tzor|and, monks s|ng|ng oxot|c hymns, a p||gr|m arr|v|ng at tho cathodra| |n 3ant|ago do Composto|a, a
shophord w|th h|s shoop, so|d|ors who havo just wokon up and aro propar|ng tor war, tho t|sh |n tho ocoan,
tho c|t|os and torosts ot tho wor|d-and ovoryth|ng |s s|mu|tanoous|y vory c|oar and vory |argo, vory sma||
and vory qu|ot.
l am |n tho A|oph, tho po|nt at wh|ch ovoryth|ng |s |n tho samo p|aco at tho samo t|mo.
l'm at a w|ndow, |ook|ng out at tho wor|d and |ts socrot p|acos, pootry |ost |n t|mo and words |ott hang|ng
|n spaco. 1hoso oyos aro to|||ng mo about th|ngs that wo do not ovon know ox|st but wh|ch aro thoro, roady
to bo d|scovorod and known on|y by sou|s, not by bod|os. 3ontoncos that aro portoct|y undorstood, ovon
whon |ott unspokon. |oo||ngs that s|mu|tanoous|y oxa|t and suttocato.
l am stand|ng botoro doors that opon tor a tract|on ot a socond and thon c|oso aga|n but that g|vo mo a
g||mpso ot what |s h|ddon boh|nd thom-tho troasuros and traps, tho roads novor takon and tho journoys
novor |mag|nod.
Why aro you |ook|ng at mo ||ko that? Why aro your oyos show|ng mo a|| th|s?'
l'm not tho ono say|ng th|s, but tho g|r| or woman stand|ng botoro mo. Our oyos havo bocomo tho m|rrors
ot our sou|s, m|rrors not on|y ot our sou|s, porhaps, but ot a|| tho sou|s ot a|| tho poop|o on th|s p|anot who aro
at th|s momont wa|k|ng, |ov|ng, bo|ng born and dy|ng, suttor|ng or droam|ng.
lt's not mo . lt's just .'
l cannot t|n|sh tho sontonco, bocauso tho doors cont|nuo to opon and rovoa| tho|r socrots. l soo ||os and
truths, strango dancos portormod botoro what appoars to bo tho |mago ot a goddoss, sa||ors batt||ng tho
t|orco soa, a coup|o s|tt|ng on a boach, gaz|ng at tho samo soa, wh|ch |ooks ca|m and wo|com|ng. 1ho
doors cont|nuo to opon, tho doors ot |||a|'s oyos, and l bog|n to soo myso|t, as |t wo had known oach othor
tor a |ong, |ong t|mo .
What aro you do|ng?' sho asks.
1ho A|oph .'
1ho toars ot that g|r| or woman stand|ng botoro mo soom to want to |oavo by thoso samo doors.
3omoono onco sa|d that toars aro tho b|ood ot tho sou|, and that |s what l'm bog|nn|ng to soo now, bocauso
l havo ontorod a tunno|, l'm go|ng back |nto tho past, and sho |s wa|t|ng tor mo thoro, too, hor hands prossod
togothor as |t say|ng tho most sacrod prayor God ovor gavo to mank|nd. Yos, sho |s thoro botoro mo,
knoo||ng on tho ground and sm|||ng, to|||ng mo that |ovo can savo ovoryth|ng, but l |ook at my c|othos, at my
hands, |n ono ot wh|ch l am ho|d|ng a qu||| pon .
3top!' l shout.
|||a| c|osos hor oyos.
l am onco moro on a tra|n, travo||ng to 3|bor|a and boyond to tho lac|t|c Ocoan. l too| ovon woar|or than l
d|d botoro, and a|though l undorstand oxact|y what has happonod, l am |ncapab|o ot oxp|a|n|ng |t.
3ho ombracos mo. l ombraco hor and gont|y stroko hor ha|r.
l know |t,' sho says. l know l had mot you botoro. l know |t tho t|rst t|mo l saw your photograph. lt's as |t
wo had to moot aga|n at somo po|nt |n th|s ||to. l ta|kod to my tr|onds about |t, but thoy thought l was crazy,
that thousands ot poop|o must say tho samo th|ng about thousands ot othor poop|o ovory day. l thought thoy
must bo r|ght, but ||to . ||to brought you to mo. You camo to t|nd mo, d|dn't you?'
l am gradua||y rocovor|ng trom what l havo just oxpor|oncod. l know what sho's ta|k|ng about, bocauso
contur|os botoro l wont through ono ot tho doors l havo just soon |n hor oyos. 3ho was thoro, a|ong w|th othor
poop|o. Caut|ous|y, l ask hor what sho saw.
Evoryth|ng. l don't th|nk l w||| ovor bo ab|o to oxp|a|n th|s, but tho momont l c|osod my oyos, l was |n a
sato, comtortab|o p|aco, as |t l woro |n my own houso.'
lo, sho doosn't know what sho's say|ng. 3ho doosn't know yot. 3ut l do. l p|ck up hor bags and |oad hor
back |nto tho |oungo.
l havon't got tho onorgy to th|nk or spoak r|ght now. 3|t ovor thoro, road somoth|ng, |ot mo rost a ||tt|o, and
thon l'|| bo r|ght back. lt anyono says anyth|ng, to|| thom that l askod you to stay.'
3ho doos as askod. l go to my compartmont, co||apso onto tho bod tu||y c|othod, and ta|| |nto a doop
s|oop.
3OVEOlE KlOCK3 A1 1|E 0OOl.
Wo'|| bo arr|v|ng |n ton m|nutos.'
l opon my oyos. lt's n|ght outs|do, or, rathor, |t's tho oar|y hours ot tho morn|ng. l'vo s|opt a|| day and w|||
havo d|tt|cu|t|os now gott|ng back to s|oop.
1hoy'ro go|ng to uncoup|o tho carr|ago and |oavo |t |n a s|d|ng, so tako what you nood tor two n|ghts |n
tho c|ty,' says tho vo|co.
l opon tho shuttors. l|ghts bog|n to appoar, tho tra|n |s s|ow|ng, wo roa||y aro arr|v|ng. l wash my taco and
qu|ck|y pack whatovor l w||| nood tor two n|ghts |n Ekator|nburg. What l oxpor|oncod oar||or |s gradua||y
bog|nn|ng to como back to mo.
Whon l |oavo tho compartmont, ovoryono |s stand|ng |n tho corr|dor, apart trom |||a|, who |s st||| s|tt|ng |n
tho p|aco whoro l |ott hor. 3ho doosn't sm||o but s|mp|y shows mo a p|oco ot papor.
Yao got mo tho porm|t.'
Yao |ooks at mo and wh|spors, |avo you ovor road tho 7oo 7o Cblog?'
Yos, ot courso l havo, ||ko a|most ovoryono ot my gonorat|on.
1hon you'|| romombor thoso words: 'Expond your onorg|os and you w||| roma|n young.' '
|o nods s||ght|y |n tho d|roct|on ot tho g|r|, who |s st||| soatod. l t|nd th|s romark to bo |n bad tasto.
lt you'ro |ns|nuat|ng-'
l'm not |ns|nuat|ng anyth|ng. lt you havo m|sundorstood mo, |t's bocauso that |doa must bo |ns|do your
hoad. What l moant, s|nco you don't undorstand lao-tzu's words, was: p|aco a|| your too||ngs outs|do ot
yourso|t and you w||| bo ronowod. As l undorstand |t, sho |s tho r|ght porson to ho|p you.'
|avo tho two ot thom boon ta|k|ng? Was Yao pass|ng by whon wo ontorod tho A|oph? 0|d ho soo what
was happon|ng?
0o you bo||ovo |n a sp|r|tua| wor|d, |n a para||o| un|vorso, whoro t|mo and spaco aro otorna| and a|ways
prosont?' l ask.
1ho brakos bog|n to squoa|. Yao nods, but l can soo that ho |s wo|gh|ng h|s words. At |ast, ho says, l
don't bo||ovo |n God as you |mag|no ||m to bo, but l bo||ovo |n many th|ngs that you cou|d novor ovon droam
ot. lt you'ro troo tomorrow n|ght, porhaps wo cou|d go tor a wa|k togothor.'
1ho tra|n stops. |||a| gots up and comos to jo|n us. Yao sm||os and ombracos hor. Wo a|| put on our
coats, and, at 1:04 |n tho morn|ng, wo stop out |nto Ekator|nburg.
1ho |atiov Eouao
1|E OVllllE3El1 |llAl |A3 0l3AllEAlE0.
l como down trom my room, assum|ng that l'|| t|nd hor |n tho hoto| |obby, but sho |sn't thoro. 0osp|to
spond|ng most ot yostorday t|at out on my bod, l had st||| managod to s|oop wo|| onco back on torra t|rma. l
phono Yao's room, and wo go out tor a wa|k around tho c|ty. 1h|s |s oxact|y what l nood to do r|ght now: to
wa|k, wa|k, wa|k, broatho somo trosh a|r, tako a |ook at a c|ty l'vo novor v|s|tod botoro, and onjoy too||ng that
|t's m|no.
Yao to||s mo a tow h|stor|ca| tacts-Ekator|nburg |s luss|a's th|rd-|argost c|ty, r|ch |n m|nora|s, tho k|nd ot
tact that ono can t|nd |n any tour|st |oat|ot-but l'm not |n tho |oast |ntorostod. 1hon wo stop outs|do what
|ooks ||ko a hugo Orthodox church.
1h|s |s tho Cathodra|-on-tho-3|ood, bu||t on tho s|to ot a houso ownod by a man ca||od l|ko|a| lpat|ov.
lot's go |ns|do.'
l'm start|ng to too| co|d, and so l do as ho suggosts. Wo go |nto what appoars to bo a sma|| musoum, |n
wh|ch a|| tho not|cos aro |n luss|an.
Yao |ooks at mo as |t l shou|d know what's go|ng on, but l don't.
0on't you too| anyth|ng?'
lo,' l say. |o sooms d|sappo|ntod.
You moan that you, a man who bo||ovos |n para||o| wor|ds and |n tho otorn|ty ot tho prosont momont, too|
abso|uto|y noth|ng?'
l too| tomptod to to|| h|m that what brought mo to luss|a |n tho t|rst p|aco was a convorsat|on w|th 1. about
proc|so|y that, my |nab|||ty to connoct w|th my sp|r|tua| s|do. Excopt that th|s |s no |ongor truo. 3|nco l |ott
london, l'vo boon a d|ttoront porson, too||ng ca|m and happy on my journoy back to my k|ngdom and my
sou|. |or a tract|on ot a socond, l romombor tho op|sodo on tho tra|n and |||a|'s oyos, but l qu|ck|y dr|vo tho
momory trom my m|nd.
1ho tact that l can't too| anyth|ng doosn't nocossar||y moan that l'm d|sconnoctod. lorhaps my onorg|os
at th|s momont aro a|ort to othor d|scovor|os. Wo'ro |n what sooms to bo a rocont|y bu||t cathodra|. What
oxact|y happonod horo?'
1ho luss|an Emp|ro ondod |n tho houso ot l|ko|a| lpat|ov. On tho n|ght ot 1u|y 10, 1018, tho tam||y ot
l|cho|as ll, tho |ast tsar ot a|| tho luss|as, was oxocutod a|ong w|th h|s doctor and throo sorvants. 1hoy
startod w|th tho tsar h|mso|t, who roco|vod sovora| bu||ots |n tho hoad and chost. 1ho |ast to d|o woro
Anastas|a, 1at|ana, O|ga, and Var|a, who woro bayonotod to doath. lt's sa|d that tho|r ghosts cont|nuo to
haunt th|s p|aco, |ook|ng tor tho jowo|s thoy |ott boh|nd. loop|o a|so say that 3or|s Yo|ts|n, whon ho was
pros|dont ot luss|a, doc|dod to domo||sh tho o|d houso and bu||d a church |n |ts p|aco so that tho ghosts
wou|d |oavo and luss|a cou|d bog|n to grow aga|n.'
Why d|d you br|ng mo horo?'
|or tho t|rst t|mo s|nco wo mot |n Voscow, Yao sooms to bo ombarrassod.
3ocauso yostorday you askod mo |t l bo||ovod |n God. Wo||, l d|d bo||ovo unt|| |o took away my w|to, tho
porson l |ovod most |n tho wor|d. l a|ways thought l wou|d d|o botoro hor, but that |sn't what happonod,' Yao
to||s mo. 1ho day wo mot l to|t corta|n that l'd known hor s|nco botoro l was born. lt was ra|n|ng hoav||y, and
sho doc||nod my |nv|tat|on to toa, but l know thon that wo woro ||ko tho c|ouds that t||| tho sky so that you can
no |ongor to|| whoro ono onds and anothor bog|ns. Wo marr|od a yoar |ator, as |t |t woro tho most obv|ous
and natura| th|ng |n tho wor|d to do. Wo had ch||dron, wo honorod God and tam||y, thon, ono day, a w|nd
camo and partod tho c|ouds.'
l wa|t tor h|m to t|n|sh what ho has to say.
lt's not ta|r. lt wasn't ta|r. lt may soom absurd, but l wou|d havo protorrod |t |t wo had a|| dopartod togothor
tor tho noxt ||to, ||ko tho tsar and h|s tam||y.'
lo, ho has st||| not sa|d ovoryth|ng ho wants to. |o's wa|t|ng tor mo to say somoth|ng, but l roma|n s||ont. lt
sooms that tho ghosts ot tho doad roa||y aro thoro w|th us.
And whon l saw you and tho young woman |ook|ng at oach othor on tho tra|n |n tho vost|bu|o botwoon tho
carr|agos, l romomborod my w|to and tho t|rst g|anco wo ovor oxchangod, and how ovon botoro wo spoko,
somoth|ng was to|||ng mo, 'Wo'ro togothor aga|n.' 1hat's why l wantod to br|ng you horo, to ask |t you can
soo what wo cannot soo, |t you know whoro sho |s now.'
3o ho had w|tnossod tho momont whon |||a| and l ontorod tho A|oph.
l |ook around tho room aga|n, thank h|m tor hav|ng brought mo thoro, and ask |t wo can cont|nuo our wa|k.
0on't mako that young woman suttor,' ho says. Whonovor l soo hor |ook|ng at you, |t sooms to mo that
you must havo known oach othor tor a |ong t|mo.'
l th|nk to myso|t that th|s roa||y |sn't somoth|ng l shou|d concorn myso|t w|th.
You askod mo on tho tra|n |t l wou|d ||ko to go somowhoro w|th you ton|ght. ls that ottor st||| opon? Wo can
ta|k moro about a|| th|s |ator. lt you had ovor soon mo watch|ng my w|to s|oop|ng, you wou|d bo ab|o to road
my oyos and undorstand why wo'vo boon marr|od tor noar|y th|rty yoars.'
WAlKllG l3 0OllG WOl0El3 tor my body and sou|. l'm comp|oto|y tocusod on tho prosont momont, tor that |s
whoro a|| s|gns, para||o| wor|ds, and m|rac|os aro to bo tound. 1|mo roa||y doosn't ox|st. Yao can spoak ot
tho tsar's doath as |t |t had happonod yostorday and show mo tho wounds ot h|s |ovo as |t thoy had
appoarod on|y m|nutos botoro, wh||o l romombor tho p|attorm at Voscow stat|on as |t |t bo|ongs to tho
d|stant past.
Wo s|t down |n a park and watch tho poop|o pass|ng: womon w|th ch||dron, mon |n a hurry, boys stand|ng
around a rad|o b|ast|ng out mus|c, g|r|s gathorod oppos|to thom, ta|k|ng an|matod|y about somoth|ng uttor|y
un|mportant, and o|dor poop|o woar|ng |ong w|ntor coats, ovon though |t's spr|ng. Yao buys us a coup|o ot
hot dogs and rojo|ns mo.
ls |t d|tt|cu|t to wr|to?' ho asks.
lo. ls |t d|tt|cu|t to |oarn so many toro|gn |anguagos?'
lo, not roa||y. You just havo to pay attont|on.'
Wo||, l pay attont|on a|| tho t|mo, but l'vo novor got boyond what l |oarnod as a boy.'
And l'vo novor tr|od to wr|to, bocauso as a ch||d l was to|d that l'd havo to study roa||y hard, road |ots ot
bor|ng books, and m|x w|th |nto||octua|s. And l hato |nto||octua|s.'
l don't know |t th|s romark |s |ntondod tor mo or not. l havo my mouth tu|| ot hot dog, and so don't rop|y. l
th|nk aga|n about |||a| and tho A|oph. lorhaps sho tound tho oxpor|onco so a|arm|ng that sho's gono homo
and doc|dod not to cont|nuo tho journoy. A tow months ago, l wou|d havo boon dr|von trant|c |t a procoss ||ko
th|s had ta||od to run |ts tu|| courso, bo||ov|ng that my ont|ro appront|cosh|p dopondod on |t. 3ut |t's a sunny
day, and |t tho wor|d sooms to bo at poaco, that's bocauso |t |s.
What do you nood |n ordor to bo ab|o to wr|to?' Yao asks.
1o |ovo. As you |ovod your w|to, or, rathor, as you |ovo your w|to.'
ls that a||?'
You soo th|s park? 1horo aro a|| k|nds ot stor|os horo, and ovon though thoy'vo boon to|d many t|mos,
thoy st||| dosorvo to bo to|d aga|n. 1ho wr|tor, tho s|ngor, tho gardonor, tho trans|ator, wo aro a|| a m|rror ot
our t|mo. Wo a|| pour our |ovo |nto our work. ln my caso, obv|ous|y, road|ng |s vory |mportant, but anyono who
puts a|| h|s ta|th |n acadom|c tomos and croat|vo-wr|t|ng coursos |s m|ss|ng tho po|nt: words aro ||to sot
down on papor. 3o sook out tho company ot othors.'
Whonovor l saw thoso ||toraturo coursos at tho un|vors|ty whoro l taught, |t a|| soomod to mo so .'
Art|t|c|a|?' l ask, comp|ot|ng h|s sontonco. lo ono can |oarn to |ovo by to||ow|ng a manua|, and no ono
can |oarn to wr|to by to||ow|ng a courso. l'm not to|||ng you to sook out othor wr|tors but to t|nd poop|o w|th
d|ttoront sk|||s trom yourso|t, bocauso wr|t|ng |s no d|ttoront trom any othor act|v|ty dono w|th joy and
onthus|asm.'
What about wr|t|ng a book about tho |ast days ot l|cho|as tho 3ocond?'
lt's not a subjoct that roa||y |ntorosts mo. lt's an oxtraord|nary story, but tor mo, wr|t|ng |s, abovo a||, about
d|scovor|ng myso|t. lt l had to g|vo you ono p|oco ot adv|co, |t wou|d bo th|s: don't bo |nt|m|datod by othor
poop|o's op|n|ons. On|y mod|ocr|ty |s suro ot |tso|t, so tako r|sks and do what you roa||y want to do. 3ook out
poop|o who aron't atra|d ot mak|ng m|stakos and who, thorotoro, do mako m|stakos. 3ocauso ot that, tho|r
work otton |sn't rocogn|zod, but thoy aro proc|so|y tho k|nd ot poop|o who chango tho wor|d and, attor many
m|stakos, do somoth|ng that w||| transtorm tho|r own commun|ty comp|oto|y.'
l|ko |||a|.'
Yos, ||ko |||a|. 3ut |ot mo say ono th|ng: what you to|t tor your w|to, l too| tor m|no. l'm no sa|nt, and l havo
no |ntont|on ot bocom|ng ono, but, to uso your |mago, wo woro two c|ouds, and now wo aro ono. Wo woro
two |co cubos that tho sun||ght mo|tod, and now wo aro tho samo troo-t|ow|ng wator.'
And yot, whon l wa|kod past and saw tho way you and |||a| woro |ook|ng at oach othor .'
l don't rospond, and ho |ots tho mattor drop.
ln tho park, tho boys novor |ook at tho g|r|s stand|ng just a tow motors trom thom, ovon though tho two
groups aro c|oar|y tasc|natod by oach othor. 1ho o|dor poop|o wa|k past, th|nk|ng about tho|r ch||dhood.
Vothors sm||o at tho|r ch||dron as |t thoy woro a|| tuturo art|sts, m||||ona|ros, and pros|donts ot tho ropub||c.
1ho scono botoro us |s a synthos|s ot human bohav|or.
l'vo ||vod |n many countr|os,' says Yao. And obv|ous|y, l'vo boon through somo d|tt|cu|t t|mos, known
|njust|co, and ta||on t|at on my taco whon ovoryono oxpoctod tho bost trom mo. 3ut thoso momor|os havo no
ro|ovanco to my ||to. 1ho |mportant th|ngs that stay aro tho momonts spont ||ston|ng to poop|o s|ng|ng, to|||ng
stor|os, onjoy|ng ||to. l |ost my w|to twonty yoars ago, and yot |t sooms ||ko yostorday. 3ho's st||| horo, s|tt|ng
on th|s bonch w|th us, romombor|ng tho happy t|mos wo had togothor.'
Yos, sho's st||| horo, and l wou|d oxp|a|n that to h|m |t l cou|d t|nd tho words.
Vy omot|ons havo boon vory c|oso to tho surtaco ovor s|nco l saw tho A|oph and undorstood what 1.
moant. l don't know |t l'm go|ng to bo ab|o to so|vo th|s prob|om, but at |oast l'm awaro that |t ox|sts.
lt's a|ways worth to|||ng a story, ovon |t on|y to your tam||y. |ow many ch||dron do you havo?'
1wo sons and two daughtors. 3ut thoy'ro not |ntorostod |n my stor|os. 1hoy say thoy'vo hoard thom a||
botoro. Aro you go|ng to wr|to a book about your tr|p on tho 1rans-3|bor|an la||way?'
lo.'
Evon |t l wantod to, how cou|d l doscr|bo tho A|oph?
1ho AIoh
1|E OVllllE3El1 |llAl |A3 31lll lO1 lEAllEAlE0.
Attor koop|ng my too||ngs to myso|t throughout most ot tho suppor, say|ng how wo|| tho s|gn|ng soss|on
wont and thank|ng ovoryono tor that and tor tho luss|an mus|c and danco put on tor mo at tho party
attorward (bands |n Voscow and |n othor countr|os a|ways tond to st|ck to an |ntornat|ona| roporto|ro), l
t|na||y ask |t anyono had romomborod to g|vo hor tho addross ot tho rostaurant.
1hoy staro at mo |n amazomont. Ot courso thoy hadn't! 1hoy a|| thought l was t|nd|ng tho g|r| a roa| post. lt
was just |ucky sho d|dn't turn up dur|ng tho s|gn|ng soss|on.
3ho m|ght havo g|von anothor ot hor v|o||n roc|ta|s, hop|ng to stoa| tho ||mo||ght aga|n,' says my od|tor.
Yao |s watch|ng mo trom tho othor s|do ot tho tab|o. |o knows that l moan tho oxact oppos|to, and that l
wou|d |ovo hor to bo horo. 3ut why? 3o that l cou|d v|s|t tho A|oph aga|n and go through a door that on|y ovor
br|ngs mo bad momor|os? l know whoro that door |oads. l'vo boon through |t tour t|mos botoro and havo
novor boon ab|o to t|nd tho answor l nood. 1hat |sn't what l camo |ook|ng tor whon l bogan tho |ong journoy
back to my k|ngdom.
Wo t|n|sh suppor. 1ho two roadors' roprosontat|vos, choson at random, tako photographs and ask |t l
wou|d ||ko thom to show mo tho c|ty. l to|| thom yos, l wou|d.
Wo a|roady havo a dato,' says Yao.
Vy pub||shors' |rr|tat|on, prov|ous|y d|roctod at |||a| and hor |ns|stonco on bo|ng w|th mo a|| tho t|mo, |s
now turnod on my |ntorprotor, whom thoy omp|oyod and who |s now domand|ng my prosonco whon |t shou|d
bo tho othor way around.
l th|nk lau|o's t|rod,' says my pub||shor. lt's boon a |ong day.'
|o's not t|rod. ||s onorgy |ovo|s aro t|no attor a|| tho |ov|ng v|bos trom th|s ovon|ng.'
Vy pub||shors aro r|ght about Yao. |o doos soom to want to show ovoryono that ho occup|os a pr|v||ogod
pos|t|on |n my k|ngdom.' l undorstand h|s sadnoss at |os|ng tho woman ho |ovod, and, whon tho momont
comos, l'|| t|nd tho r|ght words to say th|s. l'm atra|d, though, that what ho wants |s to to|| mo an amaz|ng
story that wou|d mako a tantast|c book.' l'vo hoard th|s many t|mos botoro, ospoc|a||y trom poop|o who havo
|ost somoono thoy |ovo.
l doc|do to try to p|oaso ovoryono.
l'|| wa|k back to tho hoto| w|th Yao. Attor that, l nood a b|t ot t|mo a|ono.' 1h|s w||| bo my t|rst n|ght a|ono
s|nco wo sot ott.
.
1|E 1EVlElA1UlE |A3 0lOllE0 moro than wo |mag|nod, tho w|nd |s b|ow|ng, and |t too|s |ntonso|y co|d. Wo
wa|k a|ong a crowdod stroot, and l soo that l'm not tho on|y ono want|ng to hoad stra|ght homo. 1ho doors ot
tho shops aro c|os|ng, tho cha|rs aro a|roady p||od up on tho tab|os, and tho noon ||ghts aro start|ng to go
out. Evon so, attor a day and a ha|t shut up |n a tra|n and know|ng that wo st||| havo many, many k||omotors
ahoad ot us, l nood to tako ovory opportun|ty to do somo phys|ca| oxorc|so.
Yao stops noxt to a van so|||ng dr|nks and asks tor two orango ju|cos. l don't part|cu|ar|y want to dr|nk
anyth|ng, but porhaps a ||tt|o v|tam|n C wou|d bo a good |doa |n th|s co|d woathor.
Koop tho cup.'
l don't qu|to know why ho's to|||ng mo to do so, but l do as ho says. Wo cont|nuo wa|k|ng down what must
bo tho ma|n stroot |n Ekator|nburg. At ono po|nt, wo stop outs|do a c|noma.
lortoct. W|th your hood and scart on, no ono w||| rocogn|zo you. lot's do a ||tt|o bogg|ng.'
3ogg|ng? look, l havon't dono that s|nco my h|pp|o days, and bos|dos, |t wou|d bo an |nsu|t to poop|o
who aro |n roa| nood.'
3ut you aro |n roa| nood. Whon wo v|s|tod tho lpat|ov |ouso, thoro woro momonts whon you s|mp|y
woron't thoro, whon you soomod d|stant, trappod |n tho past, constra|nod by ovoryth|ng you'vo ach|ovod and
by ovoryth|ng you'ro do|ng your bost to c||ng onto. l'm worr|od about tho g|r|, too, but |t you roa||y want to
chango, thon bogg|ng w||| ho|p you bocomo moro |nnocont, moro opon.'
l om worr|od about |||a|, but l to|| h|m that-wh||o l undorstand what ho's say|ng-ono ot my many mot|vos
tor mak|ng th|s tr|p |s to travo| back |nto tho past, |nto what ||os undorground, to my roots.
l'm about to to|| h|m about tho Ch|noso bamboo but doc|do aga|nst |t.
You'ro tho ono who's trappod by t|mo. You rotuso to accopt that your w|to |s doad, wh|ch |s why sho's st|||
horo by your s|do, try|ng to conso|o you, whon, by now, sho shou|d bo mov|ng on toward an oncountor w|th
tho 0|v|no l|ght. lo ono ovor |osos anyono. Wo aro a|| ono sou| that noods to cont|nuo grow|ng and
dovo|op|ng |n ordor tor tho wor|d to carry on and tor us a|| to moot onco aga|n. 3adnoss roa||y doosn't ho|p.'
|o th|nks about what l'vo sa|d, thon adds, 3ut that can't bo tho who|o answor.'
lo, |t's not,' l agroo. Whon tho t|mo |s r|ght, l'|| oxp|a|n moro tu||y. low, |ot's go back to tho hoto|.'
Yao ho|ds out h|s cup and starts ask|ng tor monoy trom passorsby. |o suggosts that l do tho samo.
3omo Zon 3uddh|st monks |n 1apan to|d mo about tokobotso, tho bogg|ng p||gr|mago. As wo|| as
ho|p|ng tho monastor|os, wh|ch dopond tor tho|r ox|stonco on donat|ons, |t toachos tho studont monk
hum|||ty. lt has anothor purposo, too, that ot pur|ty|ng tho town |n wh|ch tho monk ||vos. 1h|s |s bocauso,
accord|ng to Zon ph||osophy, tho g|vor, tho boggar, and tho a|ms monoy |tso|t a|| torm part ot an |mportant
cha|n ot oqu|||br|um. 1ho porson do|ng tho bogg|ng doos so bocauso ho's noody, but tho porson do|ng tho
g|v|ng a|so doos so out ot nood. 1ho a|ms monoy sorvos as a ||nk botwoon thoso two noods, and tho
atmosphoro |n tho town |mprovos bocauso ovoryono |s ab|o to act |n a way |n wh|ch ho or sho noodod to
act. You aro on a p||gr|mago, and |t's t|mo to do somoth|ng tor tho c|t|os you v|s|t.'
l'm so surpr|sod, l don't know what to say. loa||z|ng that ho m|ght havo gono too tar, Yao starts putt|ng h|s
p|ast|c cup back |nto h|s pockot.
lo,' l say, |t's a roa||y good |doa!'
|or tho noxt ton m|nutos, wo stand thoro, on oppos|to pavomonts, sh|tt|ng trom toot to toot to stavo ott tho
co|d, our cups ho|d out to tho poop|o who pass. At t|rst, l say noth|ng, but l gradua||y |oso my |nh|b|t|ons and
start ask|ng tor ho|p as a poor |ost strangor.
l'vo novor to|t awkward about ask|ng. l'vo known |ots ot poop|o who caro about othors and aro oxtromo|y
gonorous whon |t comos to g|v|ng and who too| roa| p|oasuro whon somoono asks thom tor adv|co or ho|p.
And that's t|no, |t's a good th|ng to ho|p your no|ghbor. On tho othor hand, l know vory tow poop|o capab|o ot
roco|v|ng, ovon whon tho g|tt |s g|von w|th |ovo and gonoros|ty. lt's as |t tho act ot roco|v|ng mado thom too|
|ntor|or, as |t dopond|ng on somoono o|so was und|gn|t|od. 1hoy th|nk, l somoooo ls glvlog os somotblog,
tbot`s bocooso wo`ro locopob|o o gottlog lt or oorso|vos. Or o|so, 7bo porsoo glvlog mo tbls oow wl|| ooo
ooy osk or lt bock wltb lotorost. Or, ovon worso, l ooo`t oosorvo to bo trootoo wo||.
3ut thoso ton m|nutos rom|nd mo ot tho porson l was, thoy oducato mo, troo mo. ln tho ond, whon l cross
tho stroot to jo|n Yao, l havo tho oqu|va|ont ot o|ovon do||ars |n my p|ast|c cup. Yao has about tho samo
amount. And contrary to what ho thought, |t had boon a roa||y onjoyab|o roturn to tho past, ro||v|ng somoth|ng
l hadn't oxpor|oncod |n agos and thus ronow|ng not on|y tho c|ty but myso|t.
What sha|| wo do w|th tho monoy?' l ask.
Vy v|ow ot h|m |s bog|nn|ng to sh|tt aga|n. |o knows somo th|ngs, and l know othors, and thoro's no
roason why wo can't cont|nuo th|s mutua| |oarn|ng oxpor|onco.
ln thoory, |t's ours, bocauso |t was g|von to us, but |t's bost to koop |t somowhoro soparato and spond |t
on somoth|ng you th|nk |s |mportant.'
l put tho co|ns |n my |ott pockot, |ntond|ng to do oxact|y that. Wo wa|k qu|ck|y back to tho hoto|, bocauso
tho t|mo wo'vo spont outs|do has burnod up a|| tho ca|or|os wo consumod at suppor.
W|El WE lEAC| 1|E lO33Y, tho omn|prosont |||a| |s wa|t|ng tor us. And a vory protty woman and a gont|oman
|n a su|t and t|o stand noxt to hor.
|o||o,' l say to |||a|. l undorstand that you'vo gono back homo, but |t's boon a p|oasuro to havo travo|od
th|s t|rst |og ot tho journoy w|th you. Aro thoso your paronts?'
1ho man doos not roact, but tho protty woman |aughs.
lt on|y wo woro! 3ho's a prod|gy, th|s g|r|. lt's a shamo sho can't spond moro t|mo on hor vocat|on,
though. 1ho wor|d |s m|ss|ng out on a groat art|st!'
|||a| appoars not to havo hoard th|s romark. 3ho turns to mo and says, '|o||o'? ls that a|| you'vo got to
say to mo attor what happonod on tho tra|n?'
1ho woman |ooks shockod. l can |mag|no what sho's th|nk|ng: bot oxoct|y boppoooo oo tbo trolo And
don't l roa||zo that l'm o|d onough to bo |||a|'s tathor?
Yao says that |t's t|mo ho wont up to h|s room. 1ho man |n tho su|t and t|o roma|ns |mpass|vo, poss|b|y
bocauso ho doosn't undorstand Eng||sh.
loth|ng happonod on tho tra|n, at |oast not tho k|nd ot th|ng you'ro |mag|n|ng. And as tor you, |||a|, what
woro you oxpoct|ng mo to say? 1hat l m|ssod you? l spont a|| day worry|ng about you.'
1ho woman trans|atos th|s tor tho man |n tho su|t and t|o, and ovoryono sm||os, |nc|ud|ng |||a|. 3ho has
undorstood trom my rosponso that l roa||y had m|ssod hor, s|nco l had sa|d so qu|to spontanoous|y.
l ask Yao to stay a ||tt|o |ongor bocauso l don't know whoro th|s convorsat|on |s go|ng to |oad. Wo s|t down
and ordor somo toa. 1ho woman |ntroducos horso|t as a v|o||n toachor and oxp|a|ns that tho gont|oman w|th
thom |s tho d|roctor ot tho |oca| consorvatory.
l th|nk |||a|'s wast|ng hor ta|onts,' says tho toachor. 3ho's so unsuro ot horso|t. l'vo to|d hor th|s ovor and
ovor, and l'|| say |t aga|n now. 3ho has no cont|donco |n what sho doos, sho th|nks no ono rocogn|zos hor
worth, that poop|o d|s||ko tho th|ngs sho p|ays. 3ut |t |sn't truo.'
|||a| unsuro ot horso|t? l havo raro|y mot anyono moro dotorm|nod.
And ||ko a|| sons|t|vo poop|o,' cont|nuos tho toachor, t|x|ng mo w|th hor gont|o, p|acatory oyos, sho |s a
||tt|o, sha|| wo say, unstab|o.'
Unstab|o!' says |||a| |oud|y. 1hat's a po||to way ot say|ng mad!'
1ho toachor turns attoct|onato|y toward hor and thon back to mo, oxpoct|ng mo to say somoth|ng. l say
noth|ng.
l know that you can ho|p hor. l undorstand that you hoard hor p|ay|ng tho v|o||n |n Voscow, and that sho
was app|audod thoro. 1hat g|vos you somo |doa ot just how ta|ontod sho |s, bocauso poop|o |n Voscow aro
vory d|scorn|ng whon |t comos to mus|c. |||a| |s vory d|sc|p||nod and works hardor than most. 3ho's a|roady
p|ayod w|th |argo orchostras horo |n luss|a and has travo|od abroad w|th ono ot thom. 3uddon|y, though,
somoth|ng sooms to havo happonod, and sho can't mako any moro progross.'
l bo||ovo |n th|s woman's tondor concorn tor |||a|. l th|nk sho roa||y doos want to ho|p |||a| and a|| ot us. 3ut
thoso words-3uddon|y, though, somoth|ng sooms to havo happonod, and sho can't mako any moro
progross'-ocho |n my hoart. l am horo tor that samo roason.
1ho man |n tho su|t and t|o doos not spoak. |o must bo thoro to prov|do mora| support tor tho ta|ontod
young v|o||n|st and tho |ovo|y woman w|th tho gont|o oyos. Yao protonds to bo concontrat|ng on h|s toa.
3ut what can l do?'
You know what you can do. 3ho's not a ch||d anymoro, but hor paronts aro worr|od about hor. 3ho can't
just abandon hor protoss|ona| caroor |n tho m|dd|o ot rohoarsa|s to to||ow an |||us|on.'
3ho pausos, roa||z|ng that sho has not sa|d qu|to tho r|ght th|ng.
What l moan |s, sho can travo| to tho lac|t|c coast whonovor sho ||kos, but not now, whon wo'ro
rohoars|ng tor a concort.'
l agroo. lt doosn't mattor what l say. |||a| w||| do oxact|y as sho wants. l wondor |t sho brought thoso two
poop|o horo to put mo to tho tost, to t|nd out |t sho roa||y |s wo|como or |t sho shou|d stop tho journoy now.
1hank you vory much tor com|ng to soo mo. l rospoct your concorn and your comm|tmont to mus|c,' l say,
gott|ng up. 3ut l wasn't tho ono who |nv|tod |||a| a|ong on tho journoy. l d|dn't pay tor hor t|ckot. l don't ovon
roa||y know hor.'
|||a|'s oyos say Llor, but l go on.
3o |t sho's on tho tra|n hoad|ng to lovos|b|rsk tomorrow, that's not my rospons|b|||ty. As tar as l'm
concornod, sho can stay horo, and |t you can conv|nco hor to do so, l and many othor poop|o on tho tra|n w|||
bo most gratotu|.'
Yao and |||a| burst out |augh|ng.
1ho protty woman thanks mo and says that sho undorstands my s|tuat|on comp|oto|y and w||| ta|k to |||a|
turthor and oxp|a|n a ||tt|o moro about tho roa||t|os ot ||to. Wo a|| say good-byo, and tho man |n tho su|t and
t|o shakos my hand, sm||os. |or somo roason, l havo tho d|st|nct |mpross|on that ho wou|d |ovo tor |||a| to
cont|nuo hor journoy. 3ho must bo a prob|om tor tho who|o orchostra.
YAO 1|AlK3 VE tor a vory spoc|a| ovon|ng and goos up to h|s room. |||a| doosn't movo.
l'm go|ng to bod,' l say. You hoard tho convorsat|on. l roa||y don't know why you wont back to tho
consorvatory. Was |t to ask porm|ss|on to cont|nuo tho journoy or to mako your co||oaguos joa|ous by to|||ng
thom that you woro travo||ng w|th us?'
l wont thoro to t|nd out |t l roa||y ox|st. Attor what happonod on tho tra|n, l'm not suro ot anyth|ng anymoro.
What wos that?'
l know what sho moans. l romombor my t|rst oxpor|onco ot tho A|oph, wh|ch happonod comp|oto|y by
chanco |n tho 0achau concontrat|on camp |n Gormany, |n 1082. l to|t comp|oto|y d|sor|ontod tor days
attorward, and |t my w|to hadn't to|d mo othorw|so, l wou|d havo assumod that l'd suttorod somo k|nd ot
stroko.
What happonod, oxact|y?' l ask.
Vy hoart startod pound|ng tur|ous|y, and l to|t as |t l woro no |ongor |n th|s wor|d. l was |n a stato ot tota|
pan|c and thought l m|ght d|o at any momont. Evoryth|ng around mo soomod strango, and |t you hadn't
grabbod mo by tho arm, l don't th|nk l wou|d havo boon ab|o to movo. l had a sonso that vory |mportant
th|ngs woro appoar|ng botoro my oyos, but l cou|dn't undorstand any ot thom.'
l too| ||ko to|||ng hor: Got usod to |t.'
1ho A|oph,' l say.
Yos, at somo po|nt dur|ng that soom|ng|y ond|oss tranco, un||ko anyth|ng l'vo ovor oxpor|oncod botoro, l
hoard you say that word.'
3|mp|y roca|||ng what happonod has t|||od hor w|th toar aga|n. lt's t|mo to so|zo tho momont.
0o you th|nk you shou|d cont|nuo tho journoy?'
Oh, yos, moro than ovor. 1orror has a|ways tasc|natod mo. You romombor tho story l to|d at tho ombassy
-'
l ask hor to go to tho bar and ordor somo cottoo-l sond hor on hor own bocauso wo'ro tho on|y
customors |ott, and tho barman must bo |tch|ng to turn ott tho ||ghts. 3ho has a ||tt|o troub|o porsuad|ng h|m
but roturns at |ast w|th two cups ot 1urk|sh cottoo. l|ko most 3raz|||ans, l novor worry about dr|nk|ng strong
b|ack cottoo |ato at n|ght, whothor or not l havo a good n|ght's s|oop doponds on othor th|ngs.
1horo's no way ot oxp|a|n|ng tho A|oph, as you yourso|t saw, but |n tho mag|ca| 1rad|t|on, |t prosonts |tso|t
|n ono ot two ways. 1ho t|rst |s as a po|nt |n tho Un|vorso that conta|ns a|| othor po|nts, prosont and past,
|argo and sma||. You norma||y como across |t by chanco, as wo d|d on tho tra|n. |or th|s to happon, tho
porson, or porsons, has to bo |n tho actua| p|aco whoro tho A|oph ox|sts. Wo ca|| that a sma|| A|oph.'
0o you moan that anyono who got |nto tho carr|ago and stood |n that part|cu|ar p|aco wou|d too| what wo
to|t?'
lt you'|| |ot mo t|n|sh, you m|ght undorstand. Yos, thoy w|||, but not as wo oxpor|oncod |t. You'vo doubt|oss
boon to a party and tound that you to|t much bottor and sator |n ono part ot tho room than |n anothor. 1hat's
just a vory pa|o |m|tat|on ot what tho A|oph |s, but ovoryono oxpor|oncos tho 0|v|no Enorgy d|ttoront|y. lt you
can t|nd tho r|ght p|aco to bo at a party, that onorgy w||| ho|p you too| moro cont|dont and moro prosont. lt
somoono o|so woro to wa|k past that po|nt |n tho carr|ago, ho wou|d havo a strango sonsat|on, as |t ho
suddon|y know ovoryth|ng, but ho wou|dn't stop to oxam|no that too||ng, and tho ottoct wou|d |mmod|ato|y
van|sh.'
|ow many ot thoso po|nts ox|st |n tho wor|d?'
l don't know, oxact|y, but probab|y m||||ons.'
What's tho socond way |t rovoa|s |tso|t?'
lot mo t|n|sh what l was say|ng t|rst. 1ho oxamp|o l gavo you ot tho party |s just a compar|son. 1ho sma||
A|oph a|ways appoars by chanco. You'ro wa|k|ng down a stroot or you s|t down somowhoro and suddon|y
tho who|o Un|vorso |s thoro. 1ho t|rst th|ng you too| |s a torr|b|o dos|ro to cry, not out ot sadnoss or
happ|noss but out ot puro oxc|tomont. You know that you aro oooorstooolog somoth|ng that you can't ovon
oxp|a|n to yourso|t.'
1ho barman comos ovor to us, says somoth|ng |n luss|an, and g|vos mo a noto to s|gn. |||a| oxp|a|ns
that wo havo to |oavo. Wo wa|k ovor to tho door.
3avod by tho rotoroo's wh|st|o!
Go on. What's tho socond way?' |||a| asks.
lt wou|d soom tho gamo |s not ovor yot.
1hat's tho groat A|oph.'
lt's bost |t l oxp|a|n ovoryth|ng now, thon sho can go back to tho consorvatory and torgot a|| about what
happonod.
1ho groat A|oph occurs whon two or moro poop|o w|th a vory strong att|n|ty happon to t|nd thomso|vos |n
tho sma|| A|oph. 1ho|r two d|ttoront onorg|os comp|oto oach othor and provoko a cha|n roact|on. 1ho|r two
onorg|os .'
l don't know |t l shou|d go on, but l havo no cho|co. |||a| comp|otos tho sontonco tor mo.
. aro tho pos|t|vo and nogat|vo po|os you got |n any battory, tho powor makos tho bu|b ||ght up. 1hoy'ro
transtormod |nto tho samo ||ght. l|anots that attract oach othor and ond up co|||d|ng. lovors who moot attor
a |ong, |ong t|mo. 1ho socond A|oph a|so happons by chanco whon two poop|o whom 0ost|ny has choson
tor a spoc|t|c m|ss|on moot |n tho r|ght p|aco.'
Exact|y, but l want to bo suro sho roa||y has undorstood.
What do you moan by 'tho r|ght p|aco'?' l ask.
l moan that o|thor two poop|o can spond tho|r who|o ||to ||v|ng and work|ng togothor or thoy can moot on|y
onco and say good-byo torovor s|mp|y bocauso thoy d|d not pass through tho phys|ca| po|nt that tr|ggors an
outpour|ng ot tho th|ng that brought thom togothor |n th|s wor|d. 3o thoy part w|thout ovor qu|to undorstand|ng
why |t was thoy mot. |owovor, |t God so w|shos, thoso who onco know |ovo w||| t|nd oach othor aga|n.'
lot nocossar||y, but poop|o ||ko my mastor and myso|t, who had sharod att|n|t|os-'
3otoro, |n past ||vos,' sho says, |ntorrupt|ng mo aga|n. Or poop|o who moot, ||ko at tho party you usod as
an oxamp|o, |n tho sma|| A|oph and |mmod|ato|y ta|| |n |ovo. 1ho tamous '|ovo at t|rst s|ght.' '
l doc|do to cont|nuo tho oxamp|o sho has usod.
A|though, ot courso, |t |sn't 'at t|rst s|ght' but ||nkod to a who|o sor|os ot th|ngs that occurrod |n tho past.
1hat doosn't moan that ovory such oncountor |s ro|atod to romant|c |ovo. Vost ot thom occur bocauso ot
th|ngs that havo roma|nod unroso|vod, and wo nood a now |ncarnat|on |n ordor to t|n|sh somoth|ng that was
|ott |ncomp|oto. You'ro road|ng th|ngs |nto tho s|tuat|on that aron't thoro.'
l |ovo you.'
lo, that |sn't what l'm say|ng,' l oxc|a|m |n oxasporat|on. l'vo a|roady mot tho woman l noodod to moot |n
th|s |ncarnat|on. lt took mo throo marr|agos botoro l tound hor, and l corta|n|y don't |ntond to |oavo hor tor
somoono o|so. Wo mot many contur|os ago and w||| roma|n togothor tor tho contur|os to como.'
3ut sho doosn't want to hoar what l havo to say. 1ust as sho d|d |n Voscow, sho p|ants a br|ot k|ss on my
||ps and sots ott |nto tho |cy Ekator|nburg n|ght.
Droamora Can
Novor Bo 1amod
ll|E l3 1|E 1lAll, not tho stat|on. And attor a|most two days ot travo||ng, |t's a|so woar|noss, d|sor|ontat|on,
nosta|g|a tor tho days spont |n Ekator|nburg, and tho grow|ng tons|ons |n a group ot poop|o cont|nod
togothor |n ono p|aco.
3otoro wo sot ott aga|n, l tound a mossago trom Yao at rocopt|on ask|ng |t l tanc|od do|ng a b|t ot a|k|do
tra|n|ng, but l d|dn't rop|y. l noodod to bo a|ono tor a tow hours.
l spont tho who|o morn|ng gott|ng as much oxorc|so as poss|b|o, wh|ch tor mo moant runn|ng and wa|k|ng.
1hat way, whon l wont back to tho tra|n, l wou|d suro|y bo t|rod onough to s|oop. l managod to phono my w|to
-my co|| phono d|dn't work on tho tra|n-and cont|do to hor that l had my doubts about tho usotu|noss ot
th|s 1rans-3|bor|an tr|p, add|ng that, a|though tho journoy so tar had boon a va|uab|o oxpor|onco, l m|ght not
carry |t through to tho ond.
3ho sa|d that whatovor l doc|dod was t|no w|th hor and not to worry. 3ho was vory busy w|th hor pa|nt|ngs.
Voanwh||o, sho'd had a droam that sho cou|dn't undorstand. 3ho had droamod that l was on a boach and
somoono wa|kod up trom tho soa to to|| mo that l was t|na||y tu|t||||ng my m|ss|on. 1hon tho porson van|shod.
l askod |t that porson was ma|o or toma|o. 3ho d|dn't know, sho sa|d, tho taco was covorod by a hood.
1hon sho b|ossod mo and aga|n roassurod mo, to|||ng mo not to worry. Evon though |t was st||| on|y autumn,
sho sa|d, l|o was ||ko an ovon a|roady. 3ho adv|sod mo to to||ow my |ntu|t|on and tako no not|co ot what
othor poop|o woro say|ng.
ln that samo droam, a woman or a g|r|, l can't bo suro, was on tho boach w|th you.'
1horo's a young woman w|th mo horo on tho tra|n. l don't know how o|d sho |s, but sho's dot|n|to|y undor
th|rty.'
1rust hor.'
ll 1|E A|1EllOOl, l mot up w|th my pub||shors and gavo a tow |ntorv|ows, thon wo had suppor at an oxco||ont
rostaurant and at about o|ovon o'c|ock at n|ght hoadod tor tho stat|on. 3ack on tho tra|n, wo crossod tho Ura|
Vounta|ns-tho cha|n ot mounta|ns that soparatos Europo trom As|a-|n tho p|tch dark. lo ono saw a
th|ng.
|rom thon on, |t was back to tho o|d rout|no. Whon day broko, wo a|| appoarod at tho broaktast tab|o as |t
summonod by somo |naud|b|o bo||. Aga|n, no ono had managod to got a w|nk ot s|oop, not ovon Yao, who
soomod accustomod to th|s typo ot journoy. |o was bog|nn|ng to |ook ovor woar|or and saddor.
As usua|, |||a| was thoro wa|t|ng, and, as usua|, sho had s|opt bottor than anyono o|so. Ovor broaktast, wo
bogan our convorsat|on w|th comp|a|nts about tho constant rock|ng ot tho carr|ago, thon l wont back to my
room to try to s|oop, got up aga|n a tow hours |ator, and roturnod to tho |oungo, whoro l oncountorod tho
samo poop|o. 1ogothor wo bomoanod tho thousands ot k||omotors that st||| |ay ahoad. 1hon wo sat gaz|ng
out tho w|ndow, smok|ng and ||ston|ng to tho |rr|tat|ng p|pod mus|c |ssu|ng trom tho tra|n's |oudspoakors.
|||a| now baro|y spoko. 3ho a|ways sat down |n tho samo cornor, oponod hor book and bogan to road,
romov|ng horso|t trom tho group. lo ono o|so, apart trom mo, soomod bothorod by th|s, but l tound hor
bohav|or vory rudo |ndood. |owovor, whon l cons|dorod tho a|tornat|vo-hor ponchant tor mak|ng
|nappropr|ato romarks-l doc|dod to say noth|ng.
l wou|d t|n|sh broaktast, go back to my compartmont to s|oop or dozo or wr|to. As ovoryono agrood, wo
woro rap|d|y |os|ng a|| sonso ot t|mo. Wo no |ongor carod |t |t was day or n|ght, our days woro moasurod out
|n moa|t|mos, as l |mag|no tho days ot a|| pr|sonors aro.
Wo wou|d turn up |n tho |oungo to t|nd suppor was sorvod. Voro vodka than m|nora| wator was drunk, and
thoro was moro s||onco than convorsat|on. Vy pub||shor to|d mo that whon l wasn't thoro, |||a| p|ayod an
|mag|nary v|o||n, as |t sho woro pract|c|ng. l know that choss p|ayors do tho samo, p|ay|ng ont|ro gamos |n
tho|r hoad, w|thout tho nood ot a board.
Yos, sho's p|ay|ng s||ont mus|c tor |nv|s|b|o bo|ngs. lorhaps thoy nood |t.'
.
AlO1|El 3lEAK|A31. 1oday, though, th|ngs aro d|ttoront. lnov|tab|y, wo aro start|ng to got usod to our now
way ot ||to. Vy pub||shor comp|a|ns that h|s co|| phono |sn't work|ng propor|y (m|no doosn't work at a||). ||s
w|to |s drossod ||ko an oda||squo, wh|ch str|kos mo as both amus|ng and absurd. 3ho doosn't spoak
Eng||sh, but wo somohow manago to undorstand oach othor vory wo|| through |ooks and gosturos. |||a|
doc|dos to tako part |n th|s morn|ng's convorsat|on and doscr|bos somo ot tho d|tt|cu|t|os tacod by
mus|c|ans strugg||ng to mako a ||v|ng. lt m|ght bo a prost|g|ous protoss|on, but many mus|c|ans oarn |oss
than tax| dr|vors.
|ow o|d aro you?' asks my od|tor.
1wonty-ono.'
You don't |ook |t.'
3ho says th|s |n a way that |mp||os sho |ooks much o|dor. And sho roa||y doos. lt had novor occurrod to
mo that sho was so young.
1ho d|roctor ot tho mus|c consorvatory camo to soo mo at tho hoto| |n Ekator|nburg,' says tho od|tor.
3ho sa|d you woro ono ot tho most ta|ontod v|o||n|sts sho's ovor known but that you had suddon|y |ost a||
|ntorost |n mus|c.'
lt was tho A|oph,' |||a| rop||os, avo|d|ng my oyos.
1ho A|oph?'
Evoryono |ooks at hor |n surpr|so. l protond not to havo hoard.
Yos, tho A|oph. l cou|dn't t|nd |t, and my onorgy stoppod t|ow|ng. 3omoth|ng |n my past was b|ock|ng |t.'
1ho convorsat|on sooms to havo takon a comp|oto|y surroa| turn. l st||| say noth|ng, but my pub||shor tr|os
to oaso tho s|tuat|on.
l pub||shod a mathomat|cs book w|th that word |n tho t|t|o. ln tochn|ca| |anguago, |t moans 'tho numbor
that conta|ns a|| numbors.' 1ho book was about tho kabba|ah and mathomat|cs. Apparont|y, mathomat|c|ans
uso tho A|oph to roprosont tho card|na||ty ot |nt|n|to sots .'
lo ono appoars to bo to||ow|ng th|s oxp|anat|on. |o stops m|dway.
lt's |n tho Apoca|ypso as wo||,' l say, as |t l'd just p|ckod up tho throad ot tho convorsat|on. Whoro tho
lamb |s dot|nod as tho bog|nn|ng and tho ond, as tho th|ng that |s boyond t|mo. lt's a|so tho t|rst |ottor ot tho
a|phabot |n |obrow, Arab|c, and Arama|c.'
1ho od|tor now rogrots hav|ng mado |||a| tho contor ot attont|on and doc|dos to br|ng hor down a pog or
two.
lovortho|oss, tor a g|r| ot twonty-ono, just out ot mus|c schoo| and w|th a br||||ant caroor ahoad ot hor, |t
must bo qu|to onough to havo travo|od a|| tho way trom Voscow to Ekator|nburg.'
Espoc|a||y tor somoono who's a spo||o,' says |||a|.
3ho not|cod tho contus|on hor uso ot tho word A|oph' causod and |s do||ghtod to contuso tho pub||shor
st||| turthor w|th yot anothor mystor|ous torm.
1ho tons|on grows, unt|| Yao |ntorvonos.
You'ro a spo||o a|roady? Congratu|at|ons!'
1hon, turn|ng to tho rost ot tho group, ho adds, As you a|| know, spo||o |s tho t|rst v|o||n |n an orchostra,
tho |ast p|ayor to como onto tho stago botoro tho conductor ontors, and who |s a|ways soatod |n tho t|rst row
on tho |ott. |o or sho |s rospons|b|o tor mak|ng suro a|| tho othor |nstrumonts aro |n tuno. Actua||y, l know an
|ntorost|ng story on tho subjoct, wh|ch took p|aco whon l was |n lovos|b|rsk, our noxt stop. Wou|d you ||ko to
hoar |t?'
Evoryono agroos, as |t thoy had, |ndood, a|ways known tho moan|ng ot tho word spo||o.'
Yao's story turns out not to bo part|cu|ar|y |ntorost|ng, but controntat|on botwoon |||a| and my od|tor |s
avortod. Attor a tod|ous d|ssortat|on on tho marvo|s ot lovos|b|rsk, ovoryono has ca|mod down and poop|o
aro cons|dor|ng go|ng back to tho|r compartmonts and try|ng to rost tor a ||tt|o, wh||o l onco aga|n rogrot ovor
hav|ng had tho |doa ot cross|ng a who|o cont|nont by tra|n.
Oh, l'vo torgotton to put up today's thought,' says Yao.
On a yo||ow lost-|t, ho wr|tos, 0roamors can novor bo tamod,' and st|cks |t on tho m|rror noxt to tho
prov|ous day's thought.'
1horo's a 1v roportor wa|t|ng at ono ot tho noxt stat|ons, and ho'd ||ko to |ntorv|ow you,' says my
pub||shor.
l say ||no,' g|ad ot any d|stract|on, anyth|ng to ho|p pass tho t|mo.
Wr|to about |nsomn|a,' says my pub||shor. You novor know, |t m|ght ho|p you s|oop.'
l want to |ntorv|ow you, too,' says |||a|, and l soo that sho has tu||y rocovorod trom hor |othargy.
Vako an appo|ntmont w|th my pub||shor,' l to|| hor.
l go and ||o down |n my compartmont, thon, as usua|, spond tho noxt two hours toss|ng and turn|ng. Vy
b|o|og|ca| c|ock |s comp|oto|y out ot k||tor. l|ko any |nsomn|ac, l assuro myso|t opt|m|st|ca||y that l can uso
tho t|mo to rot|oct on |ntorost|ng mattors, but that, ot courso, provos to bo tota||y |mposs|b|o.
3uddon|y, l can hoar mus|c. At t|rst l th|nk that my porcopt|on ot tho sp|r|tua| wor|d has somohow
ottort|oss|y roturnod, but roa||zo that as wo|| as tho mus|c, l can a|so hoar tho sound ot tho whoo|s on tho
track and tho objocts jogg||ng about on my tab|o.
1ho mus|c |s roa|. And |t's com|ng trom tho bathroom. l go and opon tho door.
|||a| |s stand|ng w|th ono toot |n tho showor and ono toot out, ba|anc|ng as bost sho can and p|ay|ng hor
v|o||n. 3ho sm||os whon sho soos mo, bocauso l'm nakod, apart trom my undorpants. |owovor, tho s|tuat|on
sooms to mo so natura| and so tam|||ar that l mako no ottort to go and put on my trousors.
|ow d|d you got |n horo?'
3ho cont|nuos to p|ay but |nd|catos w|th a movomont ot hor hoad tho door |nto tho noxt compartmont, w|th
wh|ch l sharo tho bathroom. 3ho says, l woko up th|s morn|ng know|ng that |t's up to mo to ho|p you got
back |n touch w|th tho onorgy ot tho Un|vorso. God passod through my sou| and to|d mo that |t you succood
|n do|ng that, thon so w||| l. And |o askod mo to como |n horo and p|ay you to s|oop.'
l'vo novor mont|onod |os|ng touch w|th that onorgy, and l'm movod by hor concorn. 1ho two ot us strugg|o
to koop our ba|anco |n tho constant|y rock|ng carr|ago, hor bow touchos tho str|ngs, tho str|ngs g|vo out a
sound, tho sound t|||s tho spaco, and tho spaco bocomos transtormod |nto mus|ca| t|mo and |s t|||od w|th
poaco and tho 0|v|no l|ght that comos trom ovoryth|ng dynam|c and a||vo, and a|| thanks to hor v|o||n.
|||a|'s sou| |s |n ovory noto, |n ovory chord. 1ho A|oph had rovoa|od to mo a ||tt|o about tho woman
stand|ng botoro mo. l can't romombor ovory dota|| ot our jo|nt story, but l know that sho and l havo mot
botoro. l on|y hopo sho novor |oarns |n what c|rcumstancos that moot|ng took p|aco. At th|s proc|so momont,
sho |s onto|d|ng mo |n tho onorgy ot |ovo, as sho may havo dono |n tho past. And |ong may sho cont|nuo to
do so, bocauso |ovo |s tho on|y th|ng that w||| savo us, |ndopondont ot any m|stakos wo may mako. lovo |s
a|ways strongor.
l bog|n to dross hor |n tho c|othos sho was woar|ng whon l mot hor tho |ast t|mo wo woro a|ono togothor,
botoro othor mon arr|vod |n tho c|ty and changod tho who|o story: ombro|dorod wa|stcoat, wh|to |aco b|ouso,
an ank|o-|ongth sk|rt |n b|ack vo|vot throadod w|th go|d. l ||ston to hor ta|k|ng about hor convorsat|ons w|th tho
b|rds, and what tho b|rds havo to say to mank|nd, ovon though mon aro |ncapab|o ot hoar|ng and
undorstand|ng. At that momont, l am hor tr|ond, hor contossor, hor .
l stop. l don't want to opon that door un|oss |t |s abso|uto|y nocossary. l havo boon through |t tour t|mos
a|roady, and |t has novor got mo anywhoro. Yos, l romombor a|| o|ght ot tho womon who woro thoro, and l
know that ono day l w||| hoar tho answor that |s |ack|ng, but up unt|| now, th|s has novor provontod mo trom
mov|ng on |n my curront ||to. 1ho t|rst t|mo |t happonod, l to|t roa||y tr|ghtonod, but thon l roa||zod that
torg|vonoss works on|y |t you accopt |t.
And that |s what l d|d.
1horo |s a momont |n tho 3|b|o, dur|ng tho last 3uppor, whon 1osus prod|cts that ono ot h|s d|sc|p|os w|||
dony h|m and ono w||| botray h|m. |o cons|dors both cr|mos to bo oqua||y gravo. 1udas botrays h|m and,
oaton away by gu||t, hangs h|mso|t. lotor don|os h|m, not just onco but throo t|mos. |o had t|mo to th|nk
about what ho was do|ng, but ho pors|stod |n h|s orror. |owovor, |nstoad ot pun|sh|ng h|mso|t tor th|s, ho
makos a strongth ot h|s woaknoss and bocomos tho t|rst groat proachor ot tho mossago taught to h|m by
tho man whom ho had don|od |n h|s hour ot nood.
1ho mossago ot |ovo was groator than tho s|n. 1udas ta||od to undorstand th|s, but lotor usod |t as a
work|ng too|.
l don't want to opon that door, bocauso |t's ||ko a dam ho|d|ng back tho ocoan. 1ust ono sma|| ho|o wou|d
bo onough tor tho prossuro ot tho wator to dostroy ovoryth|ng and t|ood what shou|d not bo t|oodod. l'm on a
tra|n, and tho on|y th|ng that ox|sts |s a 1urk|sh woman ca||od |||a|, who |s t|rst v|o||n |n an orchostra and |s
now stand|ng |n my bathroom, p|ay|ng hor mus|c. l'm bog|nn|ng to too| s|oopy, tho romody |s tak|ng ottoct.
Vy hoad droops, my oyos aro c|os|ng. |||a| stops p|ay|ng and asks mo to go and ||o down. l oboy.
3ho s|ts |n tho cha|r and cont|nuos to p|ay. 3uddon|y, l am not |n tho tra|n, nor |n tho gardon, whoro l saw
hor |n that wh|to |aco b|ouso, l'm travo||ng down a |ong, doop tunno| that w||| carry mo |nto noth|ngnoss, |nto
hoavy, droam|oss s|oop. 1ho |ast th|ng l romombor botoro ta|||ng as|oop |s tho phraso that Yao stuck on tho
m|rror that morn|ng.
YAO l3 CAllllG VE.
1ho roportor |s horo.'
lt's st||| day||ght, and tho tra|n |s stand|ng |n a stat|on. l got up, my hoad sp|nn|ng, opon tho door a crack,
and t|nd my pub||shor wa|t|ng outs|do.
|ow |ong havo l boon as|oop?'
A|| day, l th|nk. lt's t|vo o'c|ock |n tho attornoon.'
l to|| h|m that l nood a b|t ot t|mo to tako a showor and wako up propor|y so that l don't say th|ngs l'|| rogrot
|ator.
0on't worry,' Yao says. 1ho tra|n w||| bo horo tor tho noxt hour.'
lt's |ucky that wo'ro stat|onary: hav|ng a showor whon tho tra|n |s |n mot|on |s a d|tt|cu|t and dangorous
task. l cou|d oas||y s||p and hurt myso|t and ond tho journoy |n tho most r|d|cu|ous way poss|b|o-on
crutchos. Whonovor l got |nto tho showor, l too| rathor as |t l woro surt|ng. 1oday, though, |t's oasy.
||ttoon m|nutos |ator, l omorgo, havo a cottoo w|th tho othors, and am |ntroducod to tho roportor. l ask h|m
how |ong ho noods tor tho |ntorv|ow.
Wo can arrango a t|mo. l thought l cou|d travo| w|th you unt|| tho noxt stat|on and-'
1on m|nutos w||| do. 1hon you can got ott r|ght horo. l don't want to put you to any unnocossary troub|o.'
3ut you'ro not-'
lo, roa||y, l don't want to put you to any troub|o,' l say aga|n. l shou|d novor havo agrood to do th|s
|ntorv|ow, l obv|ous|y wasn't th|nk|ng stra|ght whon l sa|d yos. Vy objoct|vo on th|s journoy |s qu|to d|ttoront.
1ho roportor |ooks at my pub||shor, who turns away and staros t|xod|y out tho w|ndow. Yao asks |t tho
tab|o |s a good p|aco tor thom to t||m.
l'd protor tho spaco botwoon tho carr|agos, noxt to tho tra|n doors,' says tho camoraman.
|||a| g|ancos at mo. 1hat's whoro tho A|oph |s.
Looso`t sbo got tlroo o slttlog ot tbo somo tob|o o|| tbo tlmo Onco sho had sont mo ott |nto that p|aco
boyond t|mo and spaco, d|d sho, l wondor, stay |n tho compartmont, watch|ng mo s|oop? Wo||, wo'|| havo
t|mo onough to ta|k |ator.
||no,' l say. 3ot up your camora. 3ut, just out ot cur|os|ty, why chooso such a sma||, no|sy spaco whon
wo cou|d stay horo?'
1ho roportor and tho camoraman, howovor, aro a|roady hoad|ng tor tho ond ot tho carr|ago, so wo to||ow
thom.
Why th|s t|ny spaco?' l ask aga|n, wh||o thoy'ro sott|ng up tho oqu|pmont.
1o g|vo tho v|owor a sonso ot roa||ty. 1h|s |s whoro ovoryth|ng happons. loop|o |oavo tho|r
compartmonts, and, bocauso tho corr|dor |s so narrow, thoy como horo to ta|k |nstoad. 3mokors moot up
horo. |or somoono o|so |t m|ght prov|do somowhoro to ho|d a socrot rondozvous. A|| tho carr|agos havo
thoso vost|bu|os.'
At tho momont, tho spaco |s occup|od by mo, tho camoraman, tho pub||shor, Yao, |||a|, and a cook who
has como to watch.
Cou|d wo havo a ||tt|o pr|vacy?' l ask.
A to|ov|s|on |ntorv|ow |s tho |oast pr|vato th|ng |n tho wor|d, but tho pub||shor and tho cook |oavo. |||a| and
Yao stay whoro thoy aro.
Cou|d you movo a ||tt|o to tho |ott?' tho camoraman asks.
lo, l can't. 1hat's whoro tho A|oph |s, croatod by tho many poop|o who havo stood thoro |n tho past. Evon
though |||a| |s koop|ng a sato d|stanco, and ovon know|ng that wo wou|d p|ungo back |nto that ono po|nt
on|y |t wo woro stand|ng c|oso togothor, l too| that |t's bost not to tako any r|sks.
1ho camora |s runn|ng.
3otoro wo bog|n, you mont|onod that |ntorv|ows and pub||c|ty woro not tho ma|n purposo ot th|s journoy.
Cou|d you oxp|a|n why you doc|dod to travo| on tho 1rans-3|bor|an la||way?'
3ocauso l wantod to. lt was a droam ot m|no as an ado|oscont. 1hat's a||.'
As l undorstand |t, a tra|n ||ko th|s |sn't oxact|y tho most comtortab|o modo ot transport.'
l go |nto automat|c p||ot and start answor|ng h|s quost|ons w|thout roa||y th|nk|ng. 1ho quost|ons koop
com|ng, about tho oxpor|onco |tso|t, my oxpoctat|ons, my moot|ngs w|th my roadors. l rop|y pat|ont|y,
rospocttu||y, but a|| tho t|mo l'm |ong|ng tor |t to bo ovor. l rockon that tho st|pu|atod ton m|nutos must havo
o|apsod by now, but ho koops ask|ng quost|ons. l mako a d|scroot gosturo w|th my hand, |nd|cat|ng that ho
shou|d w|nd up tho |ntorv|ow. |o |ooks s||ght|y put out but cont|nuos ta|k|ng nonotho|oss.
Aro you travo||ng a|ono?'
A warn|ng ||ght starts t|ash|ng. lt wou|d soom that tho rumor has a|roady startod to sproad. l roa||zo that
th|s |s tho on|y roason tor th|s unoxpoctod |ntorv|ow.
lo, ot courso not. You saw how many poop|o thoro woro around tho tab|o |n thoro.'
3ut apparont|y tho t|rst v|o||n|st trom tho consorvatory |n Ekator|nburg-'
l|ko any good roportor, ho has |ott tho most d|tt|cu|t quost|on tor |ast. |owovor, th|s |s tar trom bo|ng tho
t|rst |ntorv|ow l'vo ovor dono, and l |ntorrupt h|m, say|ng, Yos, sho happonod to bo travo||ng on tho samo
tra|n, and whon l tound out, l |nv|tod hor to jo|n us whonovor sho ||kod. l |ovo mus|c. 3ho's a vory ta|ontod
young woman, and now and thon wo havo tho p|oasuro ot hoar|ng hor p|ay. Wou|d you ||ko to |ntorv|ow hor?
l'm suro sho'd bo happy to answor your quost|ons.'
Yos, |t thoro's t|mo.'
|o |sn't horo to ta|k about mus|c, but ho doc|dos not to pross tho po|nt and changos tho subjoct.
What doos God moan to you?'
Aoyooo wbo koows Ooo coooot ooscrlbo llm. Aoyooo wbo coo ooscrlbo Ooo ooos oot koow llm.'
Wow!
l'm surpr|sod by my own words. l'vo boon askod th|s quost|on dozons ot t|mos, and my automat|c-p||ot
rosponso |s a|ways: Whon God spoko to Vosos, ho sa|d: 'l am,' so God |s, thorotoro, not tho subjoct but
tho vorb, tho act|on.'
Yao comos ovor to mo.
||no, wo'|| ond tho |ntorv|ow thoro. 1hanks vory much tor your t|mo.'
Liko 1oara in tho Rain
l GO 3ACK ll1O VY COVlAl1VEl1 and start tovor|sh|y not|ng ovoryth|ng l'vo just boon ta|k|ng about w|th tho
othors. Wo w||| soon bo arr|v|ng |n lovos|b|rsk. l mustn't torgot anyth|ng, not a s|ng|o dota||. lt doosn't mattor
who askod what. lt l can rocord my rosponsos, thoy w||| prov|do oxco||ont mator|a| tor rot|oct|on.
W|El 1|E ll1ElvlEW l3 OvEl, l ask |||a| to go and totch hor v|o||n, on tho assumpt|on that tho roportor w||| stay
around tor a wh||o |ongor. 1hat way, tho camoraman cou|d t||m hor, and hor work w||| roach a w|dor pub||c.
1ho roportor, howovor, says that ho has to |oavo at onco and sond h|s |ntorv|ow ott to tho od|tor|a| ott|co.
Voanwh||o, |||a| roturns w|th hor v|o||n, wh|ch sho had |ott |n tho ompty compartmont noxt to m|no.
Vy od|tor roacts bad|y.
lt you'ro go|ng to stay |n that compartmont, you'|| havo to sharo tho cost ot tho h|ro ot tho carr|ago. You'ro
tak|ng up what ||tt|o spaco wo havo.'
1hon sho soos tho |ook |n my oyos and doos not pursuo tho top|c.
3|nco you'ro roady, why don't you p|ay somoth|ng tor us?' Yao says to |||a|.
l ask tor tho |oudspoakors |n tho carr|ago to bo turnod ott and suggost that |||a| p|ay somoth|ng br|ot, vory
br|ot. 3ho doos as askod.
1ho atmosphoro grows suddon|y ||mp|d. 1h|s must bo obv|ous to ovoryono, bocauso tho constant
t|rodnoss that has boon att||ct|ng us a|| s|mp|y van|shos. l'm t|||od by a doop sonso ot poaco, doopor ovon
than tho poaco l oxpor|oncod short|y botoro |n my compartmont.
Why havo l boon comp|a|n|ng a|| thoso months about not bo|ng |n touch w|th tho 0|v|no Enorgy? What
nonsonso! Wo aro a|ways |n touch w|th |t, |t's on|y rout|no that provonts us trom too||ng |t.
l nood to spoak, but l don't know oxact|y what about, so just ask mo whatovor you ||ko,' l say.
lt won't bo mo spoak|ng, but thoro's no po|nt try|ng to oxp|a|n that.
|avo you mot mo somowhoro |n tho past?' |||a| asks.
Wou|d sho roa||y ||ko mo to answor that r|ght horo, |n tront ot ovoryono?
lt doosn't mattor. You nood to th|nk about whoro oach ot us |s r|ght now, |n tho prosont momont. Wo'ro
accustomod to moasur|ng t|mo |n tho samo way wo moasuro tho d|stanco botwoon Voscow and
v|ad|vostok, but that |sn't how |t works. 1|mo no|thor movos nor |s stat|onary. 1|mo changos. Wo occupy ono
po|nt |n that constant|y mutat|ng t|mo-our A|oph. 1ho |doa that t|mo passos |s |mportant whon you nood to
know whon a tra|n |s go|ng to |oavo, but apart trom that, |t's not vory usotu|, not ovon whon you'ro cook|ng.
Attor a||, howovor otton you mako a roc|po, |t a|ways turns out d|ttoront. 0o you to||ow?'
low that |||a| has brokon tho |co, ovoryono starts ask|ng quost|ons.
Aro wo tho rosu|t ot what wo |oarn?'
Wo |oarn |n tho past, but wo aro not tho rosu|t ot that. Wo suttorod |n tho past, |ovod |n tho past, cr|od and
|aughod |n tho past, but that's ot no uso to tho prosont. 1ho prosont has |ts cha||ongos, |ts good and bad
s|do. Wo can no|thor b|amo nor bo gratotu| to tho past tor what |s happon|ng now. Each now oxpor|onco ot
|ovo has noth|ng whatsoovor to do w|th past oxpor|oncos. lt's a|ways now.'
l'm ta|k|ng to thom but a|so to myso|t. l wondor out |oud, ls |t poss|b|o to t|x |ovo and mako |t stand st||| |n
t|mo? Wo||, wo can try, but that wou|d turn our ||vos |nto a ho||. l havon't boon marr|od tor moro than twonty
yoars to tho samo porson, bocauso no|thor sho nor l havo roma|nod tho samo. 1hat's why our ro|at|onsh|p |s
moro a||vo than ovor. l don't oxpoct hor to bohavo as sho d|d whon wo t|rst mot. lor doos sho want mo to bo
tho porson l was whon l tound hor. lovo |s boyond t|mo, or, rathor, |ovo |s both t|mo and spaco, but a||
tocusod on ono s|ng|o constant|y ovo|v|ng po|nt-tho A|oph.'
loop|o aron't usod to that way ot th|nk|ng. 1hoy want ovoryth|ng to stay tho samo-'
-and tho consoquonco ot that |s pa|n,' l say, |ntorrupt|ng tho spoakor. Wo aro not tho porson othor
poop|o w|sh wo woro. Wo aro who wo doc|do to bo. lt's a|ways oasy to b|amo othors. You can spond your
ont|ro ||to b|am|ng tho wor|d, but your succossos or ta||uros aro ont|ro|y your own rospons|b|||ty. You can try
to stop t|mo, but |t's a comp|oto wasto ot onorgy.'
1ho tra|n brakos suddon|y, unoxpoctod|y, and ovoryono |s start|od. l am cont|nu|ng to tako |n tho moan|ng
ot what l'm say|ng, a|though l'm not suro ovoryono |s koop|ng up w|th mo.
lmag|no that tho tra|n d|dn't brako |n t|mo, that thoro was a t|na|, tata| acc|dont. A|| thoso momonts w||| bo
|ost |n t|mo, ||ko 'toars |n tho ra|n,' as tho andro|d sa|d |n B|ooo Roooor. 3ut w||| thoy? lo, bocauso noth|ng
d|sappoars, ovoryth|ng |s storod up |n t|mo. Whoro |s my t|rst k|ss t||od away? ln somo h|ddon cornor ot my
bra|n? ln a sor|os ot o|octr|ca| |mpu|sos that havo boon doact|vatod? Vy t|rst k|ss |s moro a||vo than ovor,
and l w||| novor torgot |t. lt's horo, a|| around mo. lt torms part ot my A|oph.'
3ut thoro aro a|| k|nds ot prob|oms l nood to roso|vo now.'
1hoy ||o |n what you ca|| tho 'past' and awa|t a doc|s|on to bo mado |n what you ca|| tho 'tuturo.' 1hoy c|og
your m|nd and s|ow you down, and won't |ot you undorstand tho prosont. lt you ro|y on|y on oxpor|onco, you'||
s|mp|y koop app|y|ng o|d so|ut|ons to now prob|oms. l know a |ot ot poop|o who too| thoy havo an |dont|ty
on|y whon thoy'ro ta|k|ng about tho|r prob|oms. 1hat way, thoy ox|st, bocauso tho|r prob|oms aro ||nkod to
what thoy judgo to bo 'tho|r h|story.' '
Whon no ono commonts on th|s, l go on.
lt takos a hugo ottort to troo yourso|t trom momory, but whon you succood, you start to roa||zo that you'ro
capab|o ot tar moro than you |mag|nod. You ||vo |n th|s vast body ca||od tho Un|vorso, wh|ch conta|ns a|| tho
so|ut|ons and a|| tho prob|oms. v|s|t your sou|, don't v|s|t your past. 1ho Un|vorso goos through many
mutat|ons and carr|os tho past w|th |t. Wo ca|| oach ot thoso mutat|ons a '||to,' but just as tho co||s |n your
body chango and yot you roma|n tho samo, so t|mo doos not pass, |t moro|y changos. You th|nk you'ro tho
samo porson you woro |n Ekator|nburg, but you'ro not. l'm not ovon tho samo porson l was whon l bogan
ta|k|ng. lor |s tho tra|n |n tho samo p|aco |t was whon |||a| p|ayod hor v|o||n. Evoryth|ng has changod, |t's
just that wo can't soo |t.'
3ut ono day, our porsona| t|mo w||| como to an ond,' says Yao.
An ond? 3ut doath |s just a door |nto anothor d|mons|on.'
And yot, dosp|to what you'ro say|ng, our |ovod onos and wo ourso|vos w||| ono day d|sappoar.'
lovor. Wo novor |oso our |ovod onos. 1hoy accompany us, thoy don't d|sappoar trom our ||vos. Wo aro
moro|y |n d|ttoront rooms. |or oxamp|o, l can't soo who |s |n tho noxt carr|ago, but |t conta|ns poop|o
travo||ng |n tho samo t|mo as mo, as you, as ovoryono. 1ho tact that wo can't spoak to thom or know what's
go|ng on |n that othor carr|ago |s comp|oto|y |rro|ovant. 1hoy aro thoro. 3o what wo ca|| '||to' |s a tra|n w|th
many carr|agos. 3omot|mos wo'ro |n ono, somot|mos wo'ro |n anothor, and somot|mos wo cross botwoon
thom, whon wo droam or a||ow ourso|vos to bo swopt away by tho oxtraord|nary.'
3ut wo can't soo or commun|cato w|th thom.'
Yos, wo can. Evory n|ght wo sh|tt onto anothor p|ano wh||o wo'ro s|oop|ng. Wo ta|k w|th tho ||v|ng, w|th
thoso wo bo||ovo doad, w|th thoso who ||vo |n anothor d|mons|on, and w|th ourso|vos, w|th tho poop|o wo
onco woro and tho poop|o wo w||| bo.'
1ho onorgy |s bocom|ng moro t|u|d, and l know l cou|d |oso tho connoct|on at any momont.
lovo a|ways tr|umphs ovor what wo ca|| doath. 1hat's why thoro's no nood to gr|ovo tor our |ovod onos,
bocauso thoy cont|nuo to bo |ovod and roma|n by our s|do. lt's hard tor us to accopt that. lt you don't bo||ovo
|t, thon thoro's no po|nt |n my try|ng to oxp|a|n.'
l not|co that Yao |s s|tt|ng now w|th hoad bowod. 1ho quost|on ho askod mo oar||or |s bo|ng answorod.
And what about tho poop|o wo hato?'
Wo shou|dn't undorost|mato any ot our onom|os who pass to tho othor s|do,' l rop|y. ln tho mag|ca|
1rad|t|on, thoy havo tho cur|ous namo ot 'travo|ors.' l'm not say|ng that thoy can do any harm horo-thoy
can't, un|oss you |ot thom. 3ocauso tho tact |s that wo aro thoro w|th thom and thoy aro horo w|th us. On tho
samo tra|n. 1ho on|y way to so|vo tho prob|om |s to corroct m|stakos and roso|vo cont||cts. And that w|||
happon at somo po|nt, ovon though |t m|ght tako many '||vos' botoro |t doos. Wo carry on, moot|ng and
say|ng good-byo tor a|| otorn|ty. A doparturo to||owod by a roturn, and a roturn to||owod by a doparturo.'
3ut you sa|d wo woro part ot tho Who|o. 0oos that moan wo don't ox|st?'
lo, wo do ox|st, but |n tho samo way that a co|| ox|sts. A co|| can causo a dostruct|vo cancor to |nvado an
organ|sm, but at tho samo t|mo |t can sond out chom|ca| o|omonts that produco happ|noss and wo||-bo|ng.
3ut tho co|| |s not tho porson.'
Why aro thoro so many cont||cts, thon?'
3o that tho wor|d can ovo|vo, so that tho body can chango. lt's noth|ng porsona|. l|ston.'
1hoy aro ||ston|ng but not hoar|ng. l had bottor oxp|a|n th|ngs moro c|oar|y.
At th|s momont, tho ra||s and tho whoo|s ot tho tra|n aro |n cont||ct, and wo can hoar tho no|so ot that
tr|ct|on botwoon mota|s. 3ut tho ra|| just|t|os tho ox|stonco ot tho whoo| and v|co vorsa. 1ho no|so mado by
tho mota| |s |rro|ovant, |t's moro|y a man|tostat|on, not a cry ot comp|a|nt.'
1ho onorgy has a|most gono now. 1ho othors koop ask|ng quost|ons, but l can't rop|y |n a cohoront
mannor. 1hoy a|| roa||zo that |t's t|mo to stop.
1hank you,' says Yao.
0on't thank mo. l was ||ston|ng, too.'
You moan .'
Oh, ovoryth|ng and noth|ng. You'|| havo not|cod that l'vo changod my m|nd about |||a|. l shou|dn't bo
say|ng th|s horo, bocauso |t won't ho|p hor at a||, on tho contrary, somo woak sp|r|t m|ght too| an omot|on
that dogrados any human bo|ng-namo|y, joa|ousy. 3ut my moot|ng w|th |||a| oponod a door, not tho door l
wantod to opon but anothor. l passod |nto anothor d|mons|on ot my ||to, |nto anothor carr|ago tu|| ot
unroso|vod cont||cts. loop|o aro wa|t|ng tor mo thoro, and l havo to jo|n thom.'
Anothor p|ano, anothor carr|ago .'
Exact|y. Wo'ro stuck otorna||y on tho samo tra|n, unt|| God doc|dos to stop |t tor roasons known on|y to
||m. 3ut s|nco |t's |mposs|b|o tor us to stay |n our own compartmont, wo wa|k up and down, trom ono ||to to
anothor, as |t thoy woro happon|ng |n succoss|on. 1hoy'ro not: l am who l was and who l w||| bo. Whon l mot
|||a| outs|do tho hoto| |n Voscow, sho mont|onod a story l had wr|tton about a t|ro on tho top ot a mounta|n.
1horo |s anothor story about sacrod t|ro, wh|ch l w||| to|| you now.
boo tbo groot Robbl lsroo| 5bom 7ov sow tbot tbo 1ows woro bolog mlstrootoo, bo woot loto tbo
orost, |lt o socroo lro, ooo solo o spoclo| proyor osklog Ooo to protoct bls poop|o. Aoo Ooo soot blm
o mlroc|o.
Lotor, bls olsclp|o Vogglo o Vozrltcb, o||owlog lo bls mostor`s ootstops, woot loto tbo somo port
o tbo orost ooo solo, Vostor o tbo Uolvorso, l oo oot koow bow to |lgbt tbo socroo lro, bot l oo koow
tbo spoclo| proyor, p|ooso, boor mo!` Aoo tbo mlroc|o boppoooo ogolo.
A gooorotloo possoo, ooo wboo Robbl Vosbo-|olb o 5osov sow bow bls poop|o woro bolog
porsocotoo, bo woot loto tbo orost ooo solo, l ooo`t koow bow to |lgbt tbo socroo lro, oor oo l koow
tbo spoclo| proyor, bot l stl|| romombor tbo p|oco. lo|p os, O Loro!` Aoo tbo Loro bo|poo tbom.
llty yoors |otor, Robbl lsroo| o Rlzblo, lo bls wboo|cbolr, spoko to Ooo, soylog, l ooo`t koow bow to
|lgbt tbo socroo lro, oor oo l koow tbo spoclo| proyor, ooo l coo`t ovoo loo tbo p|oco lo tbo orost. A|| l
coo oo ls to|| tbls story ooo bopo tbot Ooo wl|| boor mo.` '
low |t |s mo who |s spoak|ng, not tho 0|v|no Enorgy, but ovon |t l don't know how to ro||ght tho sacrod t|ro,
nor ovon why |t was ||t, at |oast l can to|| tho story.
3o k|nd to hor,' l say to tho othors.
|||a| protonds not to havo hoard. As doos ovoryono o|so.
1ho Chicago ot 5iboria
WE AlE All 3OUl3 wandor|ng tho Cosmos and, at tho samo t|mo, ||v|ng our ||vos, but w|th a sonso that wo aro
pass|ng trom ono |ncarnat|on to anothor. lt somoth|ng touchos tho codo ot our sou|, |t |s romomborod
torovor and attocts whatovor comos attorward.
l gazo |ov|ng|y at |||a|, a |ovo that |s rot|octod through t|mo, or what wo |mag|no to bo t|mo, as |n a m|rror.
3ho was novor m|no and novor w||| bo, that |s how |t |s. Wo aro both croators and croaturos, but wo aro a|so
puppots |n God's hands, and thoro |s a ||no wo cannot cross, a ||no that was drawn tor roasons wo cannot
know. Wo can approach and ovon dabb|o our toos |n tho r|vor but aro torb|ddon to p|ungo |n and |ot
ourso|vos bo carr|od a|ong by tho curront.
l too| gratotu| to ||to, t|rst, bocauso |t has a||owod mo to t|nd hor aga|n whon l noodod to. l am t|na||y
bog|nn|ng to accopt tho |doa that l w||| havo to go through that door tor a t|tth t|mo, ovon |t l st||| won't t|nd tho
answor. l am gratotu| to ||to, too, bocauso l was atra|d botoro, but now l am not. And th|rd, l am gratotu| to
||to, bocauso l am mak|ng th|s journoy.
lt amusos mo to soo that ton|ght sho |s joa|ous. 0osp|to bo|ng a br||||ant v|o||n|st and a warr|or |n tho art ot
gott|ng what sho wants, sho |s st||| a ch||d and a|ways w||| bo, as w||| l and a|| thoso who roa||y want tho bost
that ||to can ottor as on|y a ch||d can.
l w||| provoko hor joa|ousy, bocauso thon sho w||| know what to do whon sho has to copo w|th othor
poop|o's joa|ousy. l w||| accopt hor uncond|t|ona| |ovo, bocauso whon sho |ovos somoono o|so
uncond|t|ona||y, sho w||| know what sho |s doa||ng w|th.
3OVE lEOllE CAll l1 1|E C|lCAGO O| 3l3EllA.'
1ho Ch|cago ot 3|bor|a. 3uch compar|sons norma||y r|ng vory ta|so. 3otoro tho 1rans-3|bor|an la||way
was bu||t, lovos|b|rsk had towor than o|ght thousand |nhab|tants. low tho popu|at|on has r|son to moro than
1.4 m||||on, thanks to a br|dgo that a||ows tho ra||way to cont|nuo |ts stoo|y, stoam|ng onward march to tho
lac|t|c Ocoan.
logond has |t that tho womon |n lovos|b|rsk aro tho prott|ost |n a|| luss|a. |rom what l can soo, tho
|ogond appoars to bo truo, a|though |t wou|d novor havo occurrod to mo to comparo |t w|th othor p|acos l
havo v|s|tod. |||a|, ono ot tho |oca| goddossos, and l aro stand|ng botoro what sooms to bo a comp|oto
anoma|y: a g|gant|c statuo ot lon|n, tho man who mado tho thoory ot commun|sm a roa||ty. What cou|d bo
|oss romant|c than |ook|ng at th|s man whoso goatoo po|nts to tho tuturo but who |s |ncapab|o ot stopp|ng ott
h|s p||nth and chang|ng tho wor|d.
1ho porson who mont|onod Ch|cago was tho goddoss, an ong|noor ca||od 1at|ana who |s about th|rty or
so, and who, attor tho party and tho suppor, doc|dod to accompany us on our wa|k. 3o|ng back on torra
t|rma too|s rathor ||ko bo|ng on anothor p|anot. l t|nd |t hard to got usod to a p|aco that doosn't movo a|| tho
t|mo.
lot's t|nd a bar whoro wo can havo a dr|nk and a danco. Wo nood a|| tho oxorc|so wo can got.'
3ut wo'ro t|rod,' says |||a|.
At such momonts, l bocomo tho woman l havo |oarnod to bo and road botwoon tho ||nos. What sho
moans |s: You want to stay w|th th|s othor woman.'
lt you'ro t|rod, you can go back to tho hoto|. l'|| stay w|th 1at|ana.'
|||a| changos tack. 1horo's somoth|ng l want to show you.'
3how |t to mo, thon. 1horo's no nood tor us to bo a|ono. Attor a||, wo'vo known oach othor tor on|y ton
days.'
1h|s dostroys hor l'm w|th h|m' poso. 1at|ana porks up, a|though th|s has |oss to do w|th mo than w|th tho
natura| r|va|ry that somot|mos ox|sts botwoon womon. 3ho says sho'|| bo do||ghtod to show mo tho n|ght||to
|n th|s Ch|cago ot 3|bor|a.
lon|n gazos |mpass|vo|y down on us, as |t ho has soon |t a|| botoro. lt ho had optod tor a d|ctatorsh|p ot
|ovo |nstoad ot want|ng to croato a parad|so tor tho pro|otar|at, th|ngs m|ght havo turnod out bottor.
Como w|th mo, thon,' says |||a|.
'Como w|th mo'?'
3otoro l can roact, |||a| |s a|roady str|d|ng ahoad ot us. 3ho wants to turn tho tab|os on us and thus dot|oct
tho b|ow, and 1at|ana takos tho ba|t. Wo sot ott a|ong tho spac|ous avonuo that |oads to tho br|dgo.
0o you know tho c|ty, thon?' asks tho goddoss, somowhat surpr|sod.
1hat doponds on what you moan by 'know.' Wo know ovoryth|ng. Whon l p|ay tho v|o||n, l'm awaro ot tho
ox|stonco ot .'
3ho soarchos tor tho r|ght word, thon t|nds a torm that l w||| undorstand but that w||| oxc|udo 1at|ana trom
tho convorsat|on.
l'm awaro ot a vast, powortu| |ntormat|on t|o|d around mo. lt's not somoth|ng l can contro|, rathor, |t
contro|s mo and gu|dos mo to tho r|ght chord whonovor l too| unsuro. l don't nood to know tho c|ty, l s|mp|y
havo to |ot |t tako mo whoro |t wants to.'
|||a| |s wa|k|ng tastor and tastor. 1o my surpr|so, 1at|ana has undorstood oxact|y what |||a| moans.
l |ovo to pa|nt,' sho says. l'm an ong|noor by protoss|on, but whon l stand botoro a b|ank canvas, l t|nd
that ovory brushstroko |s ||ko a v|sua| mod|tat|on, a journoy that transports mo to a stato ot happ|noss l novor
t|nd |n my work and wh|ch l hopo novor to |oso.'
lon|n must otton havo w|tnossod such sconos botoro, tho oncountor ot two torcos |n cont||ct ovor a th|rd
torco that must bo ma|nta|nod or conquorod. lt doosn't tako vory |ong tor thoso two torcos to bocomo a|||os,
|oav|ng tho th|rd torco torgotton or, qu|to s|mp|y, |rro|ovant. l am moro|y tho compan|on ot thoso two young
womon, who now |ook as |t thoy havo known oach othor s|nco ch||dhood and aro ta|k|ng an|matod|y |n
luss|an, ob||v|ous to my ox|stonco. lt's st||| co|d-g|von that wo'ro |n 3|bor|a, |t's probab|y co|d horo a|| yoar
round-but tho wa|k |s do|ng mo good, oach stop ra|sos my sp|r|ts, oach k||omotor |s carry|ng mo back to
my k|ngdom. 1horo was a momont |n 1un|s|a whon l thought th|s wou|d novor happon, but my w|to was r|ght:
bo|ng a|ono may mako mo moro vu|norab|o, but |t makos mo moro opon, too.
l'm bog|nn|ng to got t|rod ot tra|||ng attor thoso two womon. 1omorrow, l'|| |oavo a noto tor Yao, suggost|ng
that wo pract|co a ||tt|o a|k|do. Vy bra|n has boon work|ng hardor than my body.
WE 31Ol ll 1|E Vl00lE O| lOW|ElE, |n a dosortod squaro w|th a tounta|n |n tho m|dd|o. 1ho wator |s st|||
trozon. |||a| |s broath|ng tast, |t sho cont|nuos to do so, sho'|| |nduco |n horso|t a sonsat|on ot t|oat|ng, a k|nd
ot art|t|c|a||y |nducod tranco that no |ongor |mprossos mo.
|||a| |s tho mastor ot coromon|os ot somo spoctac|o ot wh|ch l know noth|ng. 3ho asks us to ho|d hands
and |ook at tho tounta|n.
A||-powortu| God,' sho bog|ns, st||| broath|ng tast, sond Your mossongors to Your ch||dron stand|ng horo
w|th opon hoarts to roco|vo thom.'
3ho cont|nuos w|th th|s tam|||ar |nvocat|on, and l not|co that 1at|ana's hand |s bog|nn|ng to tromb|o as |t
sho, too, |s go|ng |nto a tranco. |||a| appoars to bo |n contact w|th tho Un|vorso, or w|th what sho ca||od an
|ntormat|on t|o|d.' 3ho cont|nuos to pray, and 1at|ana's hand stops tromb||ng and c|utchos m|no. 1on
m|nutos |ator, tho r|tua| |s ovor.
l'm not suro |t l shou|d to|| hor what l th|nk, but |||a| |s so tu|| ot gonoros|ty and |ovo, sho dosorvos to hoar
what l havo to say.
What was that?' l ask.
3ho sooms put out.
A r|tua| to br|ng us c|osor to tho sp|r|ts,' sho oxp|a|ns.
And whoro d|d you |oarn |t?'
ln a book?'
3hou|d l go on or wa|t unt|| wo'ro a|ono? 3|nco 1at|ana was a|so part ot tho r|tua|, l doc|do to cont|nuo.
W|th a|| duo rospoct to your rosoarch and to tho porson who wroto tho book, l th|nk you'vo got ho|d ot
ont|ro|y tho wrong ond ot tho st|ck. What |s tho po|nt ot such a r|tua|? l soo m||||ons and m||||ons ot poop|o
conv|ncod that thoy'ro commun|cat|ng w|th tho Cosmos and thus sav|ng tho human raco. Each t|mo |t ta||s,
as |t a|ways w|||, thoy |oso a ||tt|o b|t ot hopo. 1ho noxt now book or som|nar rostoros tho|r ta|th, but attor a
tow wooks thoy torgot what thoy |oarnod, and hopo dra|ns away.'
|||a| |s surpr|sod. 3ho wantod to show mo somoth|ng boyond hor ta|ont as a v|o||n|st, but sho touchod on
a dangorous aroa, tho on|y ono |n wh|ch my to|oranco |ovo| |s zoro. 1at|ana must th|nk mo vory rudo, wh|ch |s
why sho spoaks out |n dotonso ot hor now tr|ond: 3ut |sn't prayor a way ot br|ng|ng us c|osor to God?'
A||ow mo to answor w|th anothor quost|on: w||| a|| your prayors mako tho sun r|so tomorrow? Ot courso
not. 1ho sun r|sos |n obod|onco to a un|vorsa| |aw. God |s a|ways c|oso to us, whothor wo pray to h|m or not.'
Aro you say|ng that our prayors aro uso|oss?' says 1at|ana.
lot at a||. lt you don't got up oar|y, you'|| novor soo tho sun r|so. lt you don't pray, God may bo noar, but
you won't too| ||s prosonco. |owovor, |t you bo||ovo that |nvocat|ons ||ko tho ono you just mado aro tho on|y
way torward, thon you had bottor movo to tho 3onora 0osort |n Amor|ca or to an ashram |n lnd|a. ln tho roa|
wor|d, God |s moro oas||y to bo tound |n |||a|'s v|o||n.'
1at|ana bursts |nto toars. lo|thor |||a| nor l know qu|to what to do. Wo wa|t tor hor to t|n|sh cry|ng and to||
us what sho's too||ng.
1hank you,' sho says. Evon though |n your op|n|on |t was uso|oss, thank you. l havo hundrods ot wounds
that l carry around w|th mo, and yot l'm ob||god to bohavo as |t l woro tho happ|ost porson |n tho wor|d. At
|oast today l to|t somoono tako my hand and say, 'You'ro not a|ono, como w|th us, show mo what you know.'
l to|t |ovod, usotu|, |mportant.'
3ho turns to |||a| and goos on.
Evon whon you sa|d that you know th|s c|ty bottor than l do, tho c|ty whoro l was born and whoro l'vo ||vod
a|| my ||to, l d|dn't too| bo||tt|od or |nsu|tod. l bo||ovod you, l wasn't a|ono anymoro, somoono was go|ng to
show mo somoth|ng l d|dn't know. l havo novor soon th|s tounta|n botoro, and now, whonovor l too| |ow, l'||
como back horo and ask God to protoct mo. l know that tho words woron't anyth|ng vory spoc|a|. l'vo otton
sa|d such prayors botoro and novor boon hoard, and oach t|mo that happonod, my ta|th obbod away.
1oday, howovor, somoth|ng d|d happon, bocauso a|though you aro strangors, you'ro not strangors to mo.'
1at|ana has st||| not t|n|shod.
You'ro much youngor than mo and havo not suttorod what l havo suttorod. You don't know ||to, but you'ro
|ucky. You'ro |n |ovo w|th a man, wh|ch |s why you mado mo ta|| |n |ovo w|th ||to aga|n. ln tho tuturo, |t w||| bo
much oas|or tor mo to ta|| |n |ovo w|th somoono.'
|||a| |owors hor oyos. 1h|s |sn't what sho wants to hoar. lorhaps sho had p|annod to say tho samo th|ng,
but somoono o|so |s spoak|ng thoso words |n tho c|ty ot lovos|b|rsk |n luss|a, wh|ch |s just as wo'd
|mag|nod |t wou|d bo, a|though vory d|ttoront trom tho roa||ty God croatod on th|s Earth.
ln short, l havo torg|von myso|t, and l too| much ||ghtor,' 1at|ana cont|nuos. l don't know why you camo
horo, nor why you askod mo to como w|th you, but you havo cont|rmod what l havo a|ways to|t: poop|o moot
whon thoy nood to moot. l havo just savod myso|t trom myso|t.'
And tho oxpross|on on hor taco roa||y has changod. 1ho goddoss has bocomo a spr|to. 3ho opons hor
arms to |||a|, who goos ovor to hor. 1ho two womon ombraco. 1at|ana |ooks across at mo and bockons
w|th hor hoad tor mo to jo|n thom, but l stay whoro l am. |||a| noods that ombraco moro than l do. 3ho
wantod to do somoth|ng mag|ca|, but |t turnod out to bo a c||cho, and yot tho c||cho was transtormod |nto
mag|c bocauso 1at|ana was capab|o ot transmut|ng that onorgy |nto somoth|ng sacrod.
1ho two womon roma|n |ockod |n that ombraco. l |ook at tho trozon wator |n tho tounta|n, and l know that |t
w||| thaw ono day, thon troozo, thon thaw aga|n. 3o |t |s w|th our hoarts, wh|ch aro a|so rogu|atod by t|mo but
wh|ch novor stop torovor.
1at|ana takos a card out ot hor bag. 3ho hos|tatos, thon hands |t to |||a|.
Good-byo,' sho says. l know wo won't moot aga|n, but horo's my phono numbor. lorhaps ovoryth|ng l'vo
just sa|d |s moro|y tho product ot |ncurab|o romant|c|sm and th|ngs w||| soon go back to bo|ng as thoy woro
botoro, but |t was st||| a vory |mportant oxpor|onco tor mo.'
Good-byo,' says |||a|. And don't worry, |t l cou|d t|nd my way to th|s tounta|n, l'|| bo ab|o to t|nd my way
back to tho hoto|.'
3ho takos my arm. Wo wa|k through tho co|d n|ght, and tor tho t|rst t|mo s|nco wo mot, l dos|ro hor as a
woman. l |oavo hor at tho door ot tho hoto| and to|| hor that l nood to wa|k a ||tt|o moro, a|ono, to th|nk about
||to.
1ho Path ot Poaco
l VU31l'1. l can't. And as l say to myso|t a thousand t|mos ovor, l don't want to.
Yao takos ott h|s c|othos and stands thoro |n h|s undorpants. Evon though ho's ovor sovonty, h|s body |s
a|| sk|n and musc|o. l tako ott my c|othos, too.
l nood th|s oxorc|so, not so much bocauso ot tho t|mo spont coopod up |n tho tra|n but bocauso my dos|ro
has bogun to grow uncontro||ab|y. lt's at |ts most |ntonso whon wo'ro apart-whon sho's gono to hor room or
l havo somo protoss|ona| ongagomont-but l know that |t wou|d not tako much tor mo to succumb to |t.
1hat's how |t was |n tho past, whon wo mot tor what l |mag|no must havo boon tho t|rst t|mo, whon sho was
tar trom mo, l cou|d th|nk ot noth|ng o|so, but whon sho was a v|s|b|o, pa|pab|o prosonco, tho domons
van|shod and l baro|y had to contro| myso|t at a||.
1hat's why sho must stay horo, botoro |t's too |ato.
Yao puts on h|s un|torm ot wh|to trousors and jackot, and l do tho samo. Wo hoad |n s||onco to tho dojo,
tho mart|a|-arts tra|n|ng p|aco that ho tound attor mak|ng a tow phono ca||s. 1horo aro sovora| othor poop|o
pract|c|ng, but wo manago to t|nd a troo spaco.
1ho lath ot loaco |s w|do and vast, rot|oct|ng tho grand dos|gn croatod |n tho v|s|b|o and |nv|s|b|o wor|d.
1ho warr|or |s tho throno ot tho 0|v|no and a|ways sorvos a groator purposo.' Vor|ho| Uosh|ba sa|d th|s
a|most a contury ago, wh||o ho was dovo|op|ng tho tochn|quos ot a|k|do.
1ho path to hor body |s tho noxt door. l'|| knock, sho'|| opon tho door and won't ovon ask mo what l want,
bocauso sho'|| bo ab|o to road |t |n my oyos. 3ho m|ght bo atra|d, or sho m|ght say, Como |n. l was wa|t|ng
tor th|s momont. Vy body |s tho throno ot tho 0|v|no, |t sorvos as a man|tostat|on horo ot what wo aro
oxpor|onc|ng |n anothor d|mons|on.'
Yao and l mako tho trad|t|ona| bow, and our oyos chango. Wo aro now roady tor combat.
And |n my |mag|nat|on, sho, too, bows hor hoad as |t to say, Yos, l'm roady, ho|d mo, grab my ha|r.'
Yao and l approach oach othor, wo tako ho|d ot oach othor's jackot co||ars, pauso tor a momont, and thon
tho t|ght bog|ns. A socond |ator, l'm on tho t|oor. l mustn't th|nk about hor. l |nvoko tho sp|r|t ot Uosh|ba. |o
comos to my a|d through h|s toach|ngs, and l manago to roturn to tho dojo, to my opponont, to tho t|ght, to
a|k|do and tho lath ot loaco.
Your m|nd must bo |n harmony w|th tho Un|vorso. Your body must koop paco w|th tho Un|vorso. You and
tho Un|vorso aro ono.'
3ut tho torco ot tho b|ow on|y br|ngs mo c|osor to hor. l grab hor ha|r, throw hor onto tho bod, and hur|
myso|t on top ot hor. 1hat |s what tho harmony ot tho Un|vorso |s: a man and a woman bocom|ng a s|ng|o
onorgy.
l got up. l havon't pract|cod a|k|do tor yoars, my |mag|nat|on |s tar ott somowhoro, and l'vo torgotton how
to koop my ba|anco. Yao wa|ts tor mo to composo myso|t, l soo h|s posturo and romombor how l shou|d
p|aco my toot. l pos|t|on myso|t botoro h|m |n tho corroct mannor, and aga|n wo grab oach othor's co||ars.
Aga|n, |t |sn't Yao botoro mo but |||a|. l |mmob|||zo hor arms, t|rst w|th my hands, thon w|th my knoos. l
start to unbutton hor b|ouso.
l t|y through tho a|r aga|n w|thout roa||z|ng how |t happonod. l'm on tho t|oor, star|ng up at tho t|uoroscont
||ghts on tho co|||ng, unab|o to undorstand why l'vo |ot my dotonsos got so r|d|cu|ous|y |ow. Yao ho|ds out a
hand to ho|p mo up, but l rotuso |t. l can manago a|ono.
Onco moro wo grab oach othor's co||ars. Vy |mag|nat|on onco moro travo|s tar trom horo: l'm back |n
bod, and hor b|ouso |s now unbuttonod to rovoa| hor sma|| broasts and hard n|pp|os, wh|ch l bond ovor to
k|ss wh||o sho strugg|os a ||tt|o w|th a m|xturo ot p|oasuro and oxc|tod ant|c|pat|on ot tho noxt movo.
Concontrato,' says Yao.
l am concontrat|ng.'
1hat's a ||o, and ho knows |t. |o may not bo ab|o to road my thoughts, but ho knows that l'm not roa||y
horo. Vy body |s on t|ro trom tho adrona||no cours|ng through my vo|ns, trom tho two ta||s l'vo suttorod, and
trom ovoryth|ng o|so that to|| a|ong w|th tho b|ows l roco|vod: hor b|ouso, hor joans, hor snoakors t|ung to tho
othor s|do ot tho room. lt's |mposs|b|o to torosoo tho noxt b|ow, but |t's portoct|y poss|b|o to act w|th |nst|nct,
attont|on, and .
Yao |ots go ot my co||ar and bonds my t|ngor back |n tho c|ass|c t|ngor |ock. 1ust ono t|ngor and tho body
|s para|yzod. Ono t|ngor stops ovoryth|ng o|so trom tunct|on|ng. l try not to cry out, but l can soo stars, and
tho pa|n |s so |ntonso that tho dojo sooms to havo suddon|y d|sappoarod.
At t|rst, tho pa|n sooms to mako mo concontrato on tho ono th|ng l shou|d bo concontrat|ng on-tho lath
ot loaco-but |t |mmod|ato|y g|vos way to a too||ng ot hor b|t|ng my ||ps as wo k|ss. Vy knoos aro no |ongor
p|nn|ng down hor arms. |or hands aro grasp|ng mo hard, hor na||s aro d|gg|ng |nto my back, l can hoar hor
moans |n my |ott oar. |or tooth ro|oaso tho|r gr|p, hor hoad sh|tts s||ght|y, and sho k|ssos mo.
1ra|n your hoart. 1hat |s tho d|sc|p||no ovory warr|or noods. lt you can contro| your hoart, thon you w|||
dotoat your opponont.'
1hat's what l'm try|ng to do. l manago to oxtr|cato myso|t trom h|s ho|d and grab h|s jackot aga|n. |o
th|nks l'm too||ng hum|||atod, ho has not|cod my |ack ot pract|co and w||| a|most corta|n|y |ot mo attack h|m
now.
l havo road h|s thoughts, l havo road hor thoughts, l surrondor. |||a| ro||s ovor |n bod and s|ts astr|do my
body. 1hon sho undoos my bo|t and starts to unz|p my trousors.
1ho lath ot loaco t|ows ||ko a r|vor, and bocauso |t ros|sts noth|ng, |t has won ovon botoro |t has bogun.
1ho art ot poaco |s unboatab|o, bocauso no ono |s t|ght|ng aga|nst anyono, on|y thomso|vos. lt you conquor
yourso|t, thon you w||| conquor tho wor|d.'
Yos, that |s what l'm do|ng now. Vy b|ood |s c|rcu|at|ng tastor than ovor. 1ho swoat runs |nto my oyos so
that, tor a tract|on ot a socond, l can't ovon soo, but my opponont doos not so|zo tho advantago. ln just two
movos, ho's on tho t|oor.
0on't do that,' l say. l'm not a ch||d who has to bo a||owod to w|n. Vy t|ght |s tak|ng p|aco on anothor
p|ano r|ght now. 0on't |ot mo w|n w|thout hav|ng dosorvod tho p|oasuro ot bo|ng tho bost.'
|o undorstands and apo|og|zos. Wo aro not t|ght|ng, wo aro pract|c|ng tho lath ot loaco. Aga|n ho
grabs tho co||ar ot my jackot, and l proparo tor a b|ow com|ng trom tho r|ght, but, at tho |ast momont, |t
changos d|roct|on. Ono ot Yao's hands grabs my arm and tw|sts |t |n such a way that l'm torcod to my knoos
to avo|d hav|ng my arm brokon.
0osp|to tho pa|n, l too| much bottor. 1ho lath ot loaco appoars to bo a t|ght, but |t |sn't. lt's tho art ot
t||||ng up what |s m|ss|ng and ompty|ng out what |s suport|uous. l put a|| my onorgy |nto that, and gradua||y my
|mag|nat|on |oavos tho bod, tho g|r| w|th hor sma|| broasts and hard n|pp|os, tho g|r| who |s unz|pp|ng my
trousors and thon strok|ng my pon|s. l am t|ght|ng w|th myso|t, and l nood to w|n th|s t|ght at a|| costs, ovon |t
that |nvo|vos ta|||ng and gott|ng up ovor and ovor. 1ho k|ssos novor g|von, tho orgasms novor ach|ovod, tho
nonox|stont carossos attor tho bout ot w||d, romant|c, abandonod sox-a|| thoso th|ngs d|sappoar.
l am on tho lath ot loaco, and my onorgy |s bo|ng pourod |nto that tr|butary ot tho r|vor that ros|sts
noth|ng and thus to||ows |ts courso to tho ond and roachos tho soa as p|annod.
l got up aga|n. l ta|| aga|n. Wo t|ght tor noar|y ha|t an hour, comp|oto|y unawaro ot tho othor poop|o thoro,
a|| ot whom aro oqua||y tocusod on what thoy'ro do|ng, |ook|ng tor tho r|ght pos|t|on that w||| ho|p thom t|nd
tho portoct posturo |n tho|r ovoryday ||to.
Attorward, both ot us aro oxhaustod and dr|pp|ng w|th swoat. |o bows to mo, l roturn h|s bow, and wo
hoad tor tho showors. |o boat mo ovory t|mo, but thoro aro no marks on my body, to |njuro your opponont |s
to |njuro yourso|t. Contro|||ng your aggross|on |n ordor not to harm tho othor |s tho lath ot loaco.
l |ot tho wator run ovor my body, wash|ng away ovoryth|ng that has accumu|atod and d|sso|vod |n my
|mag|nat|on. Whon dos|ro roturns, as l know |t w|||, l w||| ask Yao to t|nd anothor p|aco whoro wo can pract|co
a|k|do-ovon |t that p|aco |s tho corr|dor ot tho tra|n-and l w||| rod|scovor tho lath ot loaco.
l|to |s ono |ong tra|n|ng soss|on |n proparat|on tor what w||| como. l|to and doath |oso tho|r moan|ng,
thoro aro on|y cha||ongos to bo mot w|th joy and ovorcomo w|th tranqu||||ty.
1|ElE'3 A VAl who noods to ta|k to you,' Yao says, wh||o wo'ro gott|ng drossod. l sa|d l'd arrango a
moot|ng, bocauso l owo h|m a tavor. W||| you do that tor mo?'
3ut wo'ro |oav|ng oar|y tomorrow morn|ng.'
l moan at our noxt stop. l'm just an |ntorprotor, ot courso, so |t you don't want to moot h|m, l'|| to|| h|m that
you'ro busy.'
|o |sn't just an |ntorprotor, as ho wo|| knows. |o's a man who sonsos whon l nood ho|p, ovon |t ho doosn't
know why.
lo,' l say. 1hat's t|no.'
You know, l havo a ||tot|mo ot oxpor|onco |n tho mart|a| arts,' ho says. And whon Uosh|ba was
dovo|op|ng tho lath ot loaco, ho wasn't just th|nk|ng about ovorcom|ng a phys|ca| onomy. As |ong as thoro
was a c|oar dos|ro on tho part ot tho studont, ho cou|d |oarn to ovorcomo h|s |nnor onomy as wo||.'
l havon't tought tor a |ong t|mo.'
l don't bo||ovo you. lt m|ght havo boon a wh||o s|nco you pract|cod a|k|do, but tho lath ot loaco
cont|nuos |ns|do you. Onco |oarnod, wo novor torgot |t.'
l can soo whoro tho convorsat|on |s |oad|ng. l cou|d stop |t r|ght thoro, but l a||ow h|m to cont|nuo. |o |s a
man w|th groat oxpor|onco ot ||to and who was honod by advors|ty, a man who has surv|vod dosp|to hav|ng
to chango wor|ds many t|mos |n th|s |ncarnat|on. 1horo's no po|nt try|ng to h|do anyth|ng trom h|m. l ask h|m
to go on.
You woron't t|ght|ng w|th mo but w|th hor.'
1hat's truo.'
Wo'|| cont|nuo pract|c|ng, thon, whonovor tho journoy a||ows us. l want to thank you, by tho way, tor what
you sa|d on tho tra|n, compar|ng ||to and doath to mov|ng trom ono carr|ago to anothor, and oxp|a|n|ng that
wo do that many t|mos |n our ||to. l s|opt poacotu||y tor tho t|rst t|mo s|nco l |ost my w|to. l mot hor |n my
droams and saw that sho was happy.'
l was ta|k|ng to myso|t, too, you know.'
l thank h|m tor bo|ng a |oya| advorsary who wou|d not |ot mo w|n a t|ght l d|d not dosorvo to.
1ho Ring ot Firo
llrst oovo|op o strotogy tbot otl|lzos ovorytblog oroooo yoo. 7bo bost woy to proporo or o cbo||oogo
ls to co|tlvoto tbo obl|lty to co|| oo oo lololto vorloty o rospoosos.
l t|na||y had accoss to tho lntornot. l noodod to romombor ovoryth|ng l had |oarnod about tho lath ot
loaco.
7bo soorcb or pooco ls o orm o proyor tbot gooorotos |lgbt ooo boot. lorgot oboot yoorso| or o
wbl|o ooo oooorstooo tbot lo tbot |lgbt |los wlsoom ooo lo tbot boot |los compossloo. As yoo trovo|
tbls p|ooot, try to porcolvo tbo troo orm o tbo loovoos ooo tbo Eortb. 7bot wl|| bo posslb|o oo|y l
yoo coo stop yoorso| rom bocomlog poro|yzoo by oor ooo oosoro tbot o|| yoor gostoros ooo
ottltooos oro lo kooplog wltb yoor tboogbts.
3omoono knocks at tho door. l'm so tocusod on what l'm road|ng that at t|rst l can't undorstand what tho
no|so |s. Vy t|rst |mpu|so |s s|mp|y not to opon tho door, but what |t |t's somoth|ng urgont? Why o|so wou|d
somoono como knock|ng at th|s |ato hour?
As l go ovor to tho door, l roa||zo that thoro |s ono porson w|th onough courago to do just that.
|||a| |s stand|ng outs|do, woar|ng a rod 1-sh|rt and pajama bottoms. W|thout say|ng a word, sho comos |n
and ||os down on my bod. l ||o down bos|do hor. 3ho ro||s ovor toward mo, and l put my arms around hor.
Whoro havo you boon?' sho asks.
Whoro havo you boon?' |s not an ompty quost|on. Anyono ask|ng |t |s a|so say|ng l m|ssod you,' l want
to bo w|th you,' l nood to know what you'vo boon up to.'
l don't answor. l s|mp|y stroko hor ha|r.
l phonod 1at|ana, and wo spont tho ovon|ng togothor,' sho says, |n answor to tho quost|on l no|thor askod
nor answorod. 3ho's a sad woman, and sadnoss |s contag|ous. 3ho to|d mo sho has a tw|n s|stor who's a
drug add|ct and |ncapab|o ot ho|d|ng down a job or a ro|at|onsh|p. 1at|ana's sadnoss doosn't stom trom
thoro, though, but trom tho tact that sho's succosstu|, protty, dos|rab|o, and onjoys hor work, and, a|though
sho's d|vorcod, sho's a|roady mot anothor man who's mad|y |n |ovo w|th hor. 1ho prob|om |s that whonovor
sho soos hor s|stor, sho too|s torr|b|y gu||ty. ||rst, bocauso sho can't do anyth|ng to ho|p, and, socond,
bocauso hor v|ctory makos hor s|stor's dotoat soom a|| tho moro b|ttor. ln othor words, wo'ro novor happy,
whatovor tho c|rcumstancos. And 1at|ana |sn't tho on|y porson to th|nk ||ko that.'
l cont|nuo to stroko hor ha|r.
You romombor what l sa|d at tho ombassy, don't you? Evoryono says that l havo oxtraord|nary ta|ont, that
l'm a groat v|o||n|st and that succoss and acc|a|m aro assurod. Vy toachor to|d you so, add|ng, '3ut sho's
vory |nsocuro, unstab|o.' 1hat's not truo-l havo groat tochn|quo, and l know whoro to |ook whon l nood
|nsp|rat|on, but that |sn't what l was born tor, and no ono w||| conv|nco mo othorw|so. 1ho v|o||n |s my way ot
runn|ng away trom roa||ty, my char|ot ot t|ro that takos mo tar trom myso|t, and l owo my ||to to |t. l surv|vod so
that l wou|d moot somoono who wou|d troo mo trom a|| tho hatrod l too|. Whon l road your books, l roa||zod
that you woro that porson. Ot courso.'
Ot courso.'
l tr|od to ho|p 1at|ana, say|ng that ovor s|nco l was a young g|r|, l'vo dono my bost to dostroy a|| tho mon
who camo noar mo, s|mp|y bocauso ono ot thom tr|od unconsc|ous|y to dostroy mo. 3ho wou|dn't bo||ovo |t,
though. 3ho th|nks l'm just a ch||d. 3ho agrood to moot mo on|y so that sho cou|d got noaror to you.'
3ho movos a ||tt|o c|osor. l can too| tho warmth ot hor body.
3ho askod |t sho cou|d go w|th us to lako 3a|ka|. 3ho says that ovon though tho tra|n passos through
lovos|b|rsk ovory day, sho has novor had a roason to got on |t botoro. 3ut now sho doos.'
As l prod|ctod, now that l'm |y|ng horo noxt to hor, l too| on|y tondornoss tor tho young woman by my s|do. l
turn out tho ||ght, and tho room |s ||t by tho g|ow trom tho wo|d|ng torchos bo|ng usod on a bu||d|ng s|to
oppos|to my w|ndow.
l sa|d sho cou|dn't, that ovon |t sho d|d got on tho tra|n, sho wou|dn't bo a||owod |nto your carr|ago. 1ho
guards won't |ot you pass trom ono c|ass to anothor. 3ho thought l was just try|ng to put hor ott.'
loop|o horo work a|| n|ght,' l say.
Aro you ||ston|ng to mo?'
Yos, l'm ||ston|ng, but l don't undorstand. Anothor porson comos |ook|ng tor mo |n proc|so|y tho samo
c|rcumstancos as you, but |nstoad ot ho|p|ng hor, you dr|vo hor away. '
1hat's bocauso l'm atra|d that sho'|| got too c|oso to you, and thon you'|| |oso |ntorost |n mo. l don't know
oxact|y who l am or what l'm do|ng horo, and |t cou|d a|| d|sappoar trom ono momont to tho noxt.'
l roach out my |ott hand tor my c|garottos, thon ||ght ono tor mo and ono tor hor. l p|aco tho ashtray on my
chost.
0o you dos|ro mo?' sho asks.
l too| ||ko say|ng, Yos, l dos|ro you whon you'ro tar away, whon you'ro just a tantasy. 1oday l pract|cod
a|k|do tor noar|y an hour, th|nk|ng about you a|| tho t|mo-about your body, your |ogs, your broasts-and yot
tho t|ght|ng usod up on|y a t|ny part ot that onorgy. l |ovo and dos|ro my w|to, and yot l a|so dos|ro you. l'm not
tho on|y man who dos|ros you, nor am l tho on|y marr|od man ovor to dos|ro anothor woman. Wo a|| comm|t
adu|tory |n our thoughts, ask torg|vonoss, thon do |t a|| ovor aga|n. 3ut |t |sn't toar ot comm|tt|ng a s|n that
koops mo trom touch|ng you, ovon though you'ro horo |n my arms. l don't suttor trom that k|nd ot gu||t.
1horo's somoth|ng tar moro |mportant now than mak|ng |ovo to you. 1hat's why l too| portoct|y at poaco |y|ng
bos|do you, |ook|ng at tho hoto| room ||t by tho g|ow trom tho bu||d|ng s|to noxt door.'
|owovor, |nstoad l say, Ot courso l dos|ro you. vory much. l'm a man, and you'ro a vory attract|vo
woman. 3os|dos, l too| a groat tondornoss tor you, a too||ng that grows w|th oach day that passos. l adm|ro
tho way you can chango so oas||y trom woman to ch||d, trom ch||d to woman. lt's ||ko a bow touch|ng tho
str|ngs ot a v|o||n and croat|ng a d|v|no mo|ody.'
1ho onds ot our c|garottos g|ow moro |ntonso|y as wo both |nha|o.
Why don't you touch mo, thon?'
l put out my c|garotto, and sho doos tho samo. l cont|nuo to stroko hor ha|r and try to mako that journoy
back |nto tho past.
l nood to do somoth|ng vory |mportant tor us both. You romombor tho A|oph? Wo||, l nood to go through
tho door that tr|ghtonod us both so much.'
And what shou|d l do?'
loth|ng. 1ust stay by my s|do.'
l bog|n to |mag|no tho r|ng ot go|don ||ght mov|ng up and down my body. lt starts at my toot, goos up as tar
as my hoad and thon back aga|n. At t|rst, l t|nd |t hard to concontrato, but gradua||y tho r|ng bog|ns to movo
moro qu|ck|y.
Vay l spoak?'
Ot courso sho can. 1ho r|ng ot t|ro |s not ot th|s wor|d.
1horo's noth|ng worso than bo|ng rojoctod. Your ||ght t|nds tho ||ght ot anothor sou|, and you th|nk that tho
w|ndows w||| opon, tho sun w||| pour |n, and a|| your o|d wounds w||| t|na||y hoa|. 1hon, suddon|y, nono ot that
happons. lorhaps l'm pay|ng tho pr|co tor a|| thoso mon l hurt.'
1ho go|don ||ght, wh|ch had como |nto bo|ng by d|nt ot shoor |mag|nat|on-a wo||-known way ot gott|ng
back to ono's past ||vos-|s now bog|nn|ng to movo ot |ts own accord.
lo, you'ro not pay|ng tho pr|co tor anyth|ng. lo|thor am l. lomombor what l sa|d on tho tra|n, about how
wo'ro oxpor|onc|ng now ovoryth|ng that happonod |n tho past and w||| happon |n tho tuturo. ln th|s proc|so
momont, |n a hoto| |n lovos|b|rsk, tho wor|d |s bo|ng croatod and dostroyod. Wo'ro rodoom|ng a|| our s|ns,
|t that's what wo chooso to do.'
lot on|y |n lovos|b|rsk but ovorywhoro |n tho Un|vorso, t|mo boats ||ko God's vast hoart, oxpand|ng and
contract|ng. 3ho draws c|osor, and l too| hor sma|| hoart boat|ng, too, ovor |oudor.
1ho go|don r|ng around my body |s mov|ng tastor now. 1ho t|rst t|mo l d|d th|s oxorc|so, r|ght attor road|ng
a book about d|scovor|ng tho mystor|os ot past ||vos,' l was |mmod|ato|y transportod to m|d-n|notoonth-
contury |ranco and saw myso|t wr|t|ng a book on tho samo subjocts l wr|to about now. l |oarnod what my
namo was, whoro l ||vod, what k|nd ot pon l was us|ng, ovon tho sontonco l had just wr|tton. l was so scarod
that l roturnod at onco to tho prosont, to Copacabana, to tho room whoro my w|to was s|oop|ng poacotu||y by
my s|do. 1ho to||ow|ng day, l tound out ovoryth|ng l cou|d about tho porson l had boon and, a wook |ator,
doc|dod to moot myso|t aga|n. lt d|dn't work. And howovor otton l tr|od, l ta||od ovory t|mo.
l spoko to 1. about |t. |o oxp|a|nod that thoro |s a|ways an o|omont ot bog|nnor's |uck,' conco|vod by God
s|mp|y to show that |t's poss|b|o, but attor that, tho s|tuat|on goos |nto rovorso and roturns to what |t was
botoro. |o adv|sod mo not to try aga|n un|oss l had somo roa||y sor|ous |ssuo to roso|vo |n ono ot my past
||vos-othorw|so, |t was just a wasto ot t|mo.
Yoars |ator, l was |ntroducod to a woman |n 3ao lau|o. 3ho was a vory succosstu| homoopath who had a
doop compass|on tor hor pat|onts. Whonovor wo mot, l to|t that l had known hor botoro. Wo ta|kod about th|s
too||ng, wh|ch sho sa|d sho sharod. Ono day, wo woro stand|ng on tho ba|cony ot my hoto|, gaz|ng out at tho
c|ty, and l proposod do|ng tho r|ng-ot-t|ro oxorc|so togothor. Wo woro both projoctod toward tho door l had
soon whon |||a| and l d|scovorod tho A|oph. 1hat day, tho homoopath sa|d good-byo to mo w|th a sm||o on
hor taco, but l novor spoko to hor aga|n. 3ho rotusod to answor my phono ca||s or to soo mo whon l wont to
hor c||n|c, and l soon roa||zod that thoro was no po|nt |n |ns|st|ng.
1ho door, howovor, was opon, tho t|ny crack |n tho d|ko had bocomo a ho|o through wh|ch tho wator was
bog|nn|ng to gush torth. Ovor tho yoars, l mot throo othor womon whom l a|so to|t l had known botoro, but l
d|dn't mako tho samo m|stako aga|n and portormod tho r|ng-ot-t|ro oxorc|so a|ono. lono ot thoso womon
know that l was rospons|b|o tor somo torr|b|o ovont |n tho|r past ||vos.
1ho know|odgo ot what l'd dono d|dn't para|yzo mo, though. l was dotorm|nod to put |t r|ght. E|ght womon
had boon tho v|ct|ms ot that tragody, and l was suro that ono ot thom wou|d ovontua||y to|| mo how tho story
had ondod. l know a|most ovoryth|ng, you soo, apart trom tho curso that had boon put on mo.
1hat was why l had sot ott on tho 1rans-3|bor|an la||way and, moro than a docado |ator, p|ungod onco
moro |nto tho A|oph. 1ho t|tth woman |s now |y|ng by my s|do, ta|k|ng about th|ngs that no |ongor |ntorost mo
bocauso tho r|ng ot t|ro |s sp|nn|ng tastor and tastor. lo, l don't want to tako hor w|th mo back to whoro wo
t|rst mot.
On|y womon bo||ovo |n |ovo, mon don't,' sho says.
Von do bo||ovo |n |ovo,' l say.
l am st||| strok|ng hor ha|r. |or hoartboat |s s|ow|ng now. l |mag|no that hor oyos aro c|osod, that sho too|s
|ovod and protoctod, and that tho |doa ot rojoct|on has van|shod as qu|ck|y as |t appoarod.
|or broath|ng s|ows, too. 3ho movos, but th|s t|mo moro|y to t|nd a moro comtortab|o pos|t|on. l movo as
wo||, to rop|aco tho ashtray on tho bods|do tab|o, thon l to|d hor |n my arms.
1ho go|don r|ng |s sp|nn|ng |ncrod|b|y tast trom my toot to my hoad and back aga|n. 1hon suddon|y l too|
tho a|r around mo v|brat|ng, as |t thoro had boon an oxp|os|on.
1|E lEl3E3 O| VY EYEGlA33E3 aro smoarod. Vy t|ngorna||s aro t||thy. 1ho cand|o scarco|y g|vos ott onough
||ght tor mo to mako out whoro l am, but l can soo that tho s|oovos ot tho c|othos l'm woar|ng aro mado ot
coarso tabr|c.
3otoro mo |s a |ottor. A|ways tho samo |ottor.
Croobo, 1o|y 11, 1402
Vy ooor,
o bovo ow woopoos |ot, bot ooo o tboso ls tbo loqolsltloo, wblcb bos booo tbo torgot o vlcloos
ottocks. 7bo boo oltb o somo ooo tbo projoolcos o otbors woo|o bovo poop|o bo|lovo tbot tbo
loqolsltor ls o moostor. At tbls ollco|t ooo oo|lcoto momoot, wboo tbls sopposoo Roorm ls
omootlog robo||loo lo bomos ooo olsoroor lo tbo stroots, s|oooorlog tbo coort o Cbrlst ooo occoslog
lt o tortoro ooo otbor moostroos octs, wo oro stl|| tbo ootborlty! Aoo ootborlty bos o ooty to lmposo
tbo moxlmom pooo|ty oo tboso wbo borm tbo goooro| gooo, to ompototo tbo looctoo |lmb rom tbo
ol|log booy ooo tbos provoot otbors rom o||owlog lts oxomp|o. lt ls tborooro oo|y rlgbt tbot tbo oootb
sootooco sboo|o bo lmposoo oo tboso wbo, by cootloolog to sprooo borosy, cooso mooy soo|s to bo
bor|oo loto tbo lros o lo||.
7boso womoo bo|lovo tboy oro ot |lborty to proc|olm tbo polsoo o tbolr ovl| woys, to proocb |ost
ooo Lovl| worsblp. 7boy oro ootblog bot wltcbos! 5plrltoo| poolsbmoots oro oot o|woys oooogb. Vost
poop|o oro locopob|o o oooorstooolog tbom. 7bo Cborcb most-ooo ooos-bovo tbo rlgbt to
ooooooco wbot ls wroog ooo to oomooo roolco| octloo rom tbo ootborltlos.
7boso womoo bovo como to soporoto bosbooo rom wlo, brotbor rom slstor, otbor rom cbl|oroo.
7bo Cborcb ls o morclo| motbor, o|woys roooy to orglvo, oor ooo coocoro ls tbot tboso womoo
sboo|o ropoot so tbot wo coo oo|lvor tbolr porlloo soo|s to tbo Crootor ooo, os l by o olvloo ort-
tbroogb wblcb ooo coo rooo tbo losplroo woros o Cbrlst-coroo||y moto oot tbolr poolsbmoots ootl|
tboy coooss to tbolr rltoo|s ooo mocblootloos ooo to tbo spo||s tboy bovo cost oo tbo clty, wblcb ls
oow p|oogoo loto cboos ooo ooorcby.
7bls yoor, wo mooogoo to orlvo tbo Vobommoooos bock loto Arlco, golooo os wo woro by Cbrlst`s
vlctorloos orm. 7boy boo o|most bocomo tbo oomlooot powor boro, bot loltb bo|poo os wlo ovory
bott|o. 7bo 1ows |oo, too, ooo tboso wbo stoyoo wl|| bo coovortoo, by orco l oocossory.
orso tboo tbo 1ows ooo tbo Voors wos tbo troocbory o tboso wbo c|olmoo to bo|lovo lo Cbrlst
bot botroyoo os. 7boy, too, wl|| bo poolsboo wboo tboy |oost oxpoct lt, lt ls oo|y o mottor o tlmo.
Now wo oooo to coocootroto oor oorts oo tboso wbo, |lko wo|vos lo sboop`s c|otblog, bovo so
losloloos|y lol|trotoo oor |ock. 7bls ls yoor cbooco to sbow ovoryooo tbot ovl| wl|| oovor go
ooootlcoo, bocooso l tboso womoo soccooo, tbo oows wl|| sprooo, o boo oxomp|o wl|| bovo booo sot,
ooo tbo wloo o slo wl|| bocomo o borrlcooo. o wl|| bo so wookoooo tbot tbo Voors wl|| rotoro, tbo
1ows wl|| rogroop, ooo ltooo boooroo yoors o strogg|o or tbo Pooco o Cbrlst wl|| bo borloo.
lt ls solo tbot tortoro wos lostltotoo by tbo coort o tbo lo|y Olco. Notblog coo|o bo ortbor rom tbo
trotb! Oo tbo cootrory, wboo Romoo |ow mooo tortoro |ogo|, tbo Cborcb ot lrst rojoctoo lt. Now,
tboogb, orlvoo by oocosslty, wo, too, bovo oooptoo lt, bot lts oso ls strlct|y |lmltoo. 7bo Popo govo bls
pormlssloo-oot oo oroor-ooc|orlog tbot lo vory roro cosos tortoro coo|o bo osoo. 7bot pormlssloo
ls rostrlctoo oxc|oslvo|y to borotlcs. lo tbo coort o tbo loqolsltloo, so oojost|y olscrooltoo, oor
wotcbworos oro lsoom, looosty, ooo Prooooco. Ator ooy oooooclotloo, wo o|woys o||ow slooors
tbo groco o tbo socromoot o cooossloo booro tboy oco tbo joogmoot o loovoo, wboro socrots
ookoowo to os wl|| bo rovoo|oo. Oor grootost coocoro ls to sovo tboso poor soo|s, ooo tbo loqolsltor
bos tbo rlgbt to lotorrogoto ooo to proscrlbo tbo oocossory motboos tbot wl|| moko tbo gol|ty coooss.
7bot ls wboo tortoro ls occoslooo||y osoo, bot oo|y os proscrlboo obovo.
Vooowbl|o, tbo ooomlos o tbo olvloo g|ory occoso os o bolog boort|oss oxocotlooors, oooworo
tbot tbo loqolsltloo osos tortoro wltb o mooorotloo ooo |ooloocy ookoowo lo tbo clvl| coorts! 7ortoro
coo bo osoo oo|y ooco lo ovory trlo|, ooo so l bopo yoo wl|| oot wosto tbo ooo opportoolty yoo bovo. l
yoo oo oot oct opproprloto|y, yoo wl|| brlog olscroolt oo tbo coort ooo wo wl|| bo compo||oo to roo
tboso wbo como loto tbls wor|o oo|y to sow tbo sooo o slo. o oro o|| wook, oo|y tbo Loro ls stroog.
Bot lo mokos os stroog wboo lo bostows oo os tbo booor o lgbtlog or tbo g|ory o lls oomo.
Yoo most oot bosltoto. l tboso womoo oro gol|ty, tboy most coooss booro wo coo oo|lvor tbom to
tbo Loro`s morcy.
Aoo ovoo tboogb tbls ls yoor lrst tlmo ooo yoor boort ls o|| o wbot yoo joogo to bo compossloo-
bot wblcb ls roo||y ootblog bot wookooss-romombor tbot Cbrlst olo oot |locb rom wblpplog tbo
moooy cboogors rom tbo 7omp|o. Yoor 5oporlor wl|| sbow yoo tbo corroct procoooros so tbot wboo
tbo tlmo comos yoo wl|| bo ob|o to oso tbo wblp, tbo boo|, ooo wbotovor o|so wltboot yoor coorogo
ol|log yoo. Romombor tbot tboro ls ootblog moro morclo| tboo oootb by borolog, tbot ls tbo most
|ogltlmoto orm o porllcotloo. 7bo lro boros tbo |osb bot c|ooosos tbo soo|, wblcb coo tboo rlso op
to tbo g|ory o Ooo!
Yoor work ls vlto| l oroor ls to bo molotolooo, l oor coootry ls to ovorcomo tboso lotoroo|
ollco|tlos, l tbo Cborcb ls to rogolo tbo powor oooor tbroot by tboso lolqoltoos crootoros, ooo l tbo
woro o tbo Lomb ls to ocbo ooco moro lo poop|o`s boorts. 5omotlmos oor ls oocossory lo oroor or
tbo soo| to loo lts potb ogolo. 5omotlmos wor ls oocossory lo oroor tbot wo coo loo||y loo pooco.
o oo oot coro bow wo oro joogoo oow, bocooso tbo otoro wl|| joogo os ooo wl|| rocogolzo oor work.
Aoo ovoo l tbo poop|o o tbo otoro oo oot oooorstooo wbot wo bovo oooo ooo orgot tbot wo boo to
bo borsb lo oroor or poop|o to bocomo os mook ooo ml|o os tbo 5oo o Ooo to|o os wo sboo|o bo,
wo koow tbot oor roworo owolts os lo loovoo.
7bo sooos o ovl| most bo toro rom tbo Eortb booro tboy pot oowo roots ooo grow. lo|p yoor
5oporlor to corry oot bls socroo ooty wltb oo oo|logs o botroo or tboso poor crootoros bot wltb oo
plty or tbo Evl| Ooo, oltbor.
Romombor tbot tboro ls oootbor coort lo loovoo, ooo tbot coort wl|| oomooo to koow bow yoo
corrloo oot Ooo`s wlsbos boro oo Eortb.
l.7.7., O.P.
BoIiovo Evon Whon No Ono
EIao BoIiovoa in You
WE 0O lO1 VOvE All llG|1. l wako w|th hor st||| |n my arms, oxact|y as wo woro botoro tho r|ng ot t|ro. Vy nock
|s st|tt trom |y|ng |n tho samo pos|t|on.
lot's got up. 1horo's somoth|ng wo nood to do.'
3ho turns ovor, grumb||ng about how tho sun r|sos vory oar|y |n 3|bor|a at th|s t|mo ot yoar.
Como on, |ot's got up. Wo havo to |oavo. Go to your room, got drossod, and moot mo downsta|rs.'
1|E VAl A1 lECEl1lOl g|vos mo a map and shows mo whoro to go. A t|vo-m|nuto wa|k. |||a| comp|a|ns
bocauso tho broaktast buttot |sn't yot opon.
Wo cross two stroots and t|nd tho p|aco l was |ook|ng tor.
3ut th|s |s a church!'
Yos, a church.
l hato gott|ng up oar|y, and l part|cu|ar|y hato . th|s,' sho says, po|nt|ng up at tho b|uo-pa|ntod on|on
domo toppod by a go|d cross.
1ho doors aro opon, and a tow o|dor|y |ad|os aro go|ng |ns|do. l |ook around and not|co that tho stroot |s
dosortod, not a car |n s|ght.
l nood you to do somoth|ng tor mo.'
3ho g|vos hor t|rst sm||o ot tho day. l am ask|ng bor tor somoth|ng. l nood hor.
3omoth|ng on|y l can do?'
Yos, somoth|ng on|y you can do. 1ust don't ask mo why l want you to do |t.'
l 1AKE |El |Al0 and |oad hor |nto tho church. lt |sn't tho t|rst t|mo l'vo boon |ns|do an Orthodox church, but l
novor know qu|to what to do, apart trom ||ght|ng ono ot tho s|ondor wax cand|os and pray|ng to tho sa|nts
and ango|s to protoct mo. Evon so, l a|ways |ovo tho boauty ot thoso churchos, wh|ch ropoat tho samo
arch|toctura| |doa|: tho vau|tod co|||ng, tho baro contra| navo, tho |atora| archos, tho go|d |cons mado by
art|sts who pray and tast, and botoro wh|ch somo ot tho |ad|os who havo just como |n bow, thon k|ss tho
protoct|vo g|ass.
As a|ways happons whon wo'ro tocusod on what wo want, th|ngs bog|n to s|ot portoct|y |nto p|aco.
0osp|to ovoryth|ng l oxpor|oncod |ast n|ght, dosp|to st||| not hav|ng got boyond road|ng tho |ottor, thoro |s
t|mo onough botoro wo roach v|ad|vostok, and my hoart |s at poaco.
|||a| sooms oqua||y onchantod by tho surround|ng boauty. 3ho must havo torgotton that wo'ro |n a church.
l go ovor to a |ady s|tt|ng |n a cornor, so|||ng cand|os. l buy tour, ||ght throo, and p|aco thoso botoro what
sooms to bo an |mago ot 3a|nt Goorgo. l pray tor myso|t, my tam||y, my roadors, and my work.
l ||ght tho tourth and tako |t to |||a|.
l|oaso just do as l say. |o|d th|s cand|o.'
lnst|nct|vo|y, sho g|ancos around to soo |t anyono |s watch|ng. 3ho must th|nk that what l'm ask|ng hor to
do w||| soom d|srospocttu| to tho church wo'ro |n. 1ho noxt momont, howovor, sho's hor usua| b|aso so|t.
Attor a||, sho hatos churchos and doosn't soo why sho shou|d bohavo ||ko ovoryono o|so.
1ho t|amo trom tho cand|o |s rot|octod |n hor oyos. l bow my hoad. l don't too| gu||ty at a||, l too| on|y
accoptanco and tho acho ot a romoto pa|n happon|ng |n anothor d|mons|on, a pa|n l must ombraco.
l botrayod you, and l want you to torg|vo mo.'
1at|ana!'
l put my hand ovor hor mouth. 3ho may bo strong and ta|ontod and a roa| t|ghtor, but l havo to romombor
that sho |s st||| on|y twonty-ono. l shou|d havo phrasod |t d|ttoront|y.
lo, |t wasn't 1at|ana. 3ut p|oaso, torg|vo mo.'
l can't torg|vo you whon l don't know what you'vo dono.'
lomombor tho A|oph. lomombor what you to|t at that momont. 1ry to br|ng |nto th|s sacrod p|aco
somoth|ng that you don't know but that |s thoro |n your hoart. lt nocossary, th|nk ot a tavor|to symphony and
|ot |t gu|do you to whoro you nood to go. 1hat's a|| that mattors now. Words, oxp|anat|ons, and quost|ons
won't ho|p, thoy'|| on|y contuso somoth|ng that |s a|roady qu|to comp|ox onough. |org|vo mo, but |ot that
torg|vonoss como trom tho dopths ot your sou|, tho samo sou| that passos trom ono body to anothor and
|oarns as |t travo|s through nonox|stont t|mo and |nt|n|to spaco.
Wo can novor wound tho sou|, just as wo can novor wound God, but wo can bocomo |mpr|sonod by our
momor|os, and that makos our ||vos wrotchod ovon whon wo havo ovoryth|ng wo nood |n ordor to bo happy.
lt on|y wo cou|d bo ont|ro|y horo, as |t wo had just wokon up on p|anot Earth and tound ourso|vos |ns|do a
go|don tomp|o, but wo can't.'
l don't soo why l shou|d torg|vo tho man l |ovo. Or porhaps on|y tor ono th|ng, tor novor hav|ng hoard thoso
samo words on h|s ||ps.'
A smo|| ot |nconso bog|ns to watt toward us. 1ho pr|osts aro com|ng |n tor morn|ng prayors.
|orgot who you aro now and go to tho p|aco whoro tho porson you a|ways woro |s wa|t|ng. 1horo you w|||
t|nd tho r|ght words, and thon you can torg|vo mo.'
|||a| sooks |nsp|rat|on |n tho g||dod wa||s, tho p|||ars, tho poop|o ontor|ng tho church at th|s oar|y hour, tho
t|amos ot tho ||t cand|os. 3ho c|osos hor oyos, poss|b|y to||ow|ng my suggost|on and |mag|n|ng somo mus|c.
You won't bo||ovo th|s, but l th|nk l can soo a g|r|, a g|r| who |sn't horo anymoro but who wants to como
back .'
l ask hor to ||ston to what tho g|r| has to say.
1ho g|r| torg|vos you, not bocauso sho has bocomo a sa|nt but bocauso sho can no |ongor boar to carry
th|s burdon ot hatrod. |at|ng |s vory woar|somo. l don't know |t somoth|ng |s chang|ng |n |oavon or on
Earth, or |t my sou| |s bo|ng damnod or savod, but l too| uttor|y oxhaustod, and on|y now do l undorstand why.
l torg|vo tho man who tr|od to dostroy mo whon l was ton yoars o|d. |o know what ho was do|ng, and l d|d
not. 3ut l to|t that |t was my tau|t, and l hatod h|m and myso|t. l hatod ovoryono who camo noar mo, but now
my sou| |s bo|ng sot troo.'
1h|s |sn't what l was oxpoct|ng.
|org|vo ovoryth|ng and ovoryono, but torg|vo mo, too,' l ask hor. lnc|udo mo |n your torg|vonoss.'
l torg|vo ovoryth|ng and ovoryono, |nc|ud|ng you, ovon though l don't know what cr|mo you havo
comm|ttod. l torg|vo you bocauso l |ovo you and bocauso you don't |ovo mo. l torg|vo you bocauso you ho|p
mo to stay c|oso to my 0ov||, ovon though l havon't thought ot h|m tor yoars. l torg|vo you bocauso you rojoct
mo and my powors aro wastod, and l torg|vo you bocauso you don't undorstand who l am or what l'm do|ng
horo. l torg|vo you and tho 0ov|| who touchod my body botoro l ovon know what ||to was about. |o touchod
my body but d|stortod my sou|.'
3ho puts hor hands togothor |n prayor. l wou|d havo ||kod hor torg|vonoss to havo boon oxc|us|vo|y tor mo,
but |||a| |s rodoom|ng hor who|o wor|d, and porhaps that |s bottor.
|or body starts to tromb|o. |or oyos t||| w|th toars.
Vust |t bo horo, |n a church? lot's go outs|do |nto tho opon a|r. l|oaso!'
lo, |t has to bo |n a church. Ono day wo'|| do tho samo th|ng outs|do, but today |t has to bo |n a church.
l|oaso, torg|vo mo.'
3ho c|osos hor oyos and ho|ds hor hands a|ott. A woman com|ng |nto tho church soos th|s gosturo and
shakos hor hoad d|sapprov|ng|y. Wo aro |n a sacrod p|aco, tho r|tua|s aro d|ttoront horo, and wo shou|d
rospoct tho trad|t|ons. l protond not to not|co, and too| ro||ovod bocauso |||a|, l roa||zo, |s ta|k|ng w|th tho
3p|r|t who d|ctatos prayors and tho truo |aws, and noth|ng |n tho wor|d w||| d|stract hor now.
l troo myso|t trom hatrod through torg|vonoss and |ovo. l undorstand that suttor|ng, whon |t cannot bo
avo|dod, |s horo to ho|p mo on my way to g|ory. l undorstand that ovoryth|ng |s connoctod, that a|| roads
moot, and that a|| r|vors t|ow |nto tho samo soa. 1hat |s why l am, at th|s momont, an |nstrumont ot
torg|vonoss, torg|vonoss tor cr|mos that woro comm|ttod, ono cr|mo l know about, tho othor l do not.'
Yos, a sp|r|t was ta|k|ng to hor. l know that sp|r|t and that prayor, wh|ch l had |oarnod many yoars ago |n
3raz||. lt was spokon by a ||tt|o boy thon, not a g|r|. 3ut |||a| was ropoat|ng tho words that woro |n tho
Cosmos, wa|t|ng to bo usod whon nocossary.
|||a| |s spoak|ng sott|y, but tho acoust|cs |n tho church aro so portoct that ovoryth|ng sho says sooms to
roach ovory cornor.
l orglvo tbo toors l wos mooo to sboo,
l orglvo tbo polo ooo tbo olsoppolotmoots,
l orglvo tbo botroyo|s ooo tbo |los,
l orglvo tbo s|oooors ooo lotrlgoos,
l orglvo tbo botroo ooo tbo porsocotloo,
l orglvo tbo b|ows tbot bort mo,
l orglvo tbo wrockoo orooms,
l orglvo tbo stl||boro bopos,
l orglvo tbo bostl|lty ooo joo|oosy,
l orglvo tbo loolorooco ooo l|| wl||,
l orglvo tbo lojostlco corrloo oot lo tbo oomo o jostlco,
l orglvo tbo oogor ooo tbo croo|ty,
l orglvo tbo oog|oct ooo tbo cootompt,
l orglvo tbo wor|o ooo o|| lts ovl|s.'
3ho |owors hor arms, opons hor oyos, and puts hor hands to hor taco. l go ovor to ombraco hor, but sho
stops mo w|th a gosturo.
l havon't t|n|shod yot.'
3ho c|osos hor oyos aga|n and ra|sos hor taco hoavonward.
l a|so torg|vo myso|t. Vay tho m|stortunos ot tho past no |ongor wo|gh on my hoart. lnstoad ot pa|n and
rosontmont, l chooso undorstand|ng and compass|on. lnstoad ot robo|||on, l chooso tho mus|c trom my
v|o||n. lnstoad ot gr|ot, l chooso torgott|ng. lnstoad ot vongoanco, l chooso v|ctory.
l wl|| bo copob|o o |ovlog, rogoro|oss o wbotbor l om |ovoo lo rotoro,
O glvlog, ovoo wboo l bovo ootblog,
O worklog boppl|y, ovoo lo tbo mlost o ollco|tlos,
O bo|olog oot my booo, ovoo wboo ottor|y o|ooo ooo obooooooo,
O orylog my toors, ovoo wbl|o l woop,
O bo|lovlog, ovoo wboo oo ooo bo|lovos lo mo.'
3ho opons hor oyos, p|acos hor hands on my hoad, and says w|th an author|ty that comos trom on h|gh,
3o |t |s. 3o |t w||| bo.'
.
A COCK ClOW3 |n tho d|stanco. 1hat |s tho s|gn. l tako hor hand, and wo sot ott back to tho hoto|, |ook|ng
around at tho c|ty that |s just bog|nn|ng to wako up. 3ho |s c|oar|y somowhat surpr|sod by what sho has sa|d,
but tor mo, hor words ot torg|vonoss havo boon tho most |mportant part ot my journoy so tar. 1h|s |s not tho
t|na| stop, howovor. l st||| nood to know what happons attor l t|n|sh road|ng that |ottor.
Wo arr|vo |n t|mo to havo broaktast w|th tho rost ot tho group, pack our bags, and hoad tor tho tra|n
stat|on.
|||a| w||| s|oop |n tho ompty borth |n our carr|ago,' l say.
lo ono makos any commont. l can |mag|no what's go|ng through tho|r m|nds, but l don't bothor oxp|a|n|ng
that |t |s not at a|| what thoy th|nk.
Korkmoz glt,' says |||a|.
G|von tho |ook ot surpr|so on ovoryono's taco, |nc|ud|ng that ot my |ntorprotor, tho words aro obv|ous|y not
luss|an.
Korkmoz glt,' sho says aga|n. ln 1urk|sh that moans '|o goos and |s not atra|d.' '
1oa Loavoa
EvElYOlE 3EEV3 1O |AvE GlOWl moro usod to bo|ng on tho tra|n. 1ho tab|o |n tho |oungo |s tho contor ot tho
un|vorso around wh|ch wo gathor ovory day tor broaktast, |unch, and suppor, and whoro wo ta|k about ||to
and our hopos tor tho tuturo. |||a| |s now |nsta||od |n tho samo carr|ago as us, sho sharos our moa|s, usos
my bathroom to tako hor da||y showor, pract|cos obsoss|vo|y, and takos |oss and |oss part |n d|scuss|ons.
1oday wo'ro ta|k|ng about tho shamans ot lako 3a|ka|, our noxt stop. Yao oxp|a|ns that ho wou|d roa||y
||ko mo to moot ono ot thom.
Wo'|| soo,' l say, wh|ch trans|atos as l'm not roa||y |ntorostod.'
|owovor, l don't th|nk ho'|| bo d|scouragod so oas||y. Ono ot tho bost-known pr|nc|p|os |n mart|a| arts |s
that ot nonros|stanco. Good t|ghtors uso tho|r opponont's onorgy and turn |t back on thom. 3o tho moro l
wasto my onorgy on words, tho |oss conv|ncod l w||| bo ot what l'm say|ng and tho oas|or |t w||| bo to got tho
bottor ot mo.
l'vo boon th|nk|ng about our convorsat|on botoro wo arr|vod |n lovos|b|rsk,' my od|tor says. You sa|d
that tho A|oph was a po|nt that ox|stod outs|do ot us, but that whon poop|o roa||y |ovo oach othor, thoy can
|ocato that po|nt whorovor thoy want. 1ho shamans bo||ovo that thoy aro ondowod w|th spoc|a| powors and
that on|y thoy can soo such v|s|ons.'
lt wo'ro ta|k|ng about tho mag|ca| 1rad|t|on, tho answor |s yos, tho A|oph |s outs|do ot us. lt wo'ro ta|k|ng
about tho human trad|t|on, poop|o who aro |n |ovo can, at corta|n vory spoc|a| momonts, oxpor|onco tho
Who|o. ln roa| ||to, wo tond to soo ourso|vos as soparato bo|ngs, but tho Un|vorso |s on|y ono th|ng, ono sou|.
|owovor, to |nvoko tho A|oph, somoth|ng vory powortu| has to happon: a hugo orgasm, a torr|b|o |oss, tho
c||max ot a groat cont||ct, a momont ot ocstasy whon controntod by somoth|ng ot raro boauty.'
Wo||, thoro's no shortago ot cont||cts,' says |||a|. Wo'ro surroundod by thom, ovon |n th|s carr|ago.'
|av|ng boon qu|ot tor somo t|mo, sho sooms to havo gono back to tho bog|nn|ng ot tho journoy and to bo
|ntont on st|rr|ng up a s|tuat|on that has a|roady boon roso|vod. 3ho won tho batt|o and wants to domonstrato
hor now|y acqu|rod powor. Vy od|tor knows that thoso words aro a|mod at hor.
Cont||cts aro tor und|scorn|ng sou|s,' sho rop||os, mak|ng a gonora||zat|on that nonotho|oss h|ts |ts
|ntondod targot. 1ho wor|d |s d|v|dod |nto thoso who undorstand mo and thoso who don't. ln tho caso ot tho
|attor, l s|mp|y |oavo thom to tormont thomso|vos try|ng to ga|n my sympathy.'
1hat's tunny,' says |||a|, l'm just tho samo. l'vo a|ways boon that way, and l'vo a|ways got whoro l wantod
to got, ono oxamp|o bo|ng that now l'm s|oop|ng |n a borth |n th|s carr|ago.'
Yao gots up. |o obv|ous|y |sn't |n tho mood tor th|s k|nd ot convorsat|on.
Vy pub||shor |ooks at mo. What doos ho oxpoct mo to do? 1ako s|dos?
You don't know what you'ro ta|k|ng about,' says tho od|tor, |ook|ng stra|ght at |||a| now. l a|ways thought l
was proparod tor ovoryth|ng unt|| my son was born, and thon tho wor|d soomod to ta|| |n on mo. l to|t woak
and |ns|gn|t|cant and |ncapab|o ot protoct|ng h|m. On|y ch||dron bo||ovo thoy'ro capab|o ot ovoryth|ng.
1hoy'ro trust|ng and toar|oss, so thoy bo||ovo |n tho|r own powor and got oxact|y what thoy want. Whon
ch||dron grow up, thoy start to roa||zo that thoy'ro not as powortu| as thoy thought and that thoy nood othor
poop|o |n ordor to surv|vo. 1hon tho ch||d bog|ns to |ovo and to hopo h|s |ovo w||| bo roqu|tod, as ||to goos
on, ho dovo|ops an ovor groator nood to bo |ovod |n roturn, ovon |t that moans hav|ng to g|vo up h|s powor.
Wo a|| ond up whoro wo aro now: grown-ups do|ng ovoryth|ng wo can to bo accoptod and |ovod.'
Yao has roturnod, ba|anc|ng a tray boar|ng toa and t|vo mugs.
1hat's why l askod about tho A|oph and |ovo,' my od|tor goos on. l wasn't ta|k|ng about |ovo botwoon a
man and a woman. 3omot|mos, whon l watchod my son s|oop|ng, l cou|d soo ovoryth|ng that was happon|ng
|n tho wor|d: tho p|aco ho had como trom, tho p|acos ho wou|d go to, tho tr|a|s ho wou|d havo to taco to
ach|ovo what l droamod ho wou|d ach|ovo. |o grow up, and l |ovod h|m just as much, but tho A|oph
d|sappoarod.'
Yos, sho had undorstood tho A|oph. |or words aro to||owod by a rospocttu| s||onco. |||a| |s comp|oto|y
d|sarmod.
l'm |ost,' sho says. lt too|s as |t tho roasons l had tor gott|ng whoro l am now havo comp|oto|y
d|sappoarod. l cou|d got out at tho noxt stat|on, go back to Ekator|nburg, dovoto tho rost ot my ||to to tho
v|o||n, and cont|nuo to undorstand noth|ng. On tho day ot my doath, l w||| ask: what was l do|ng thoro?'
l touch hor arm.
Como w|th mo.'
l was about to got up and tako hor to tho A|oph, to rom|nd hor why sho had doc|dod to cross As|a by tra|n.
l was proparod to accopt whatovor doc|s|on sho m|ght mako. l thought ot tho homoopath|c doctor whom l
had novor soon aga|n attor our jo|nt roturn to a past ||to, porhaps |t wou|d bo tho samo w|th |||a|.
1ust a momont,' Yao says.
|o asks us a|| to s|t down aga|n, d|str|butos tho mugs, and p|acos tho toapot |n tho contor ot tho tab|o.
Whon l ||vod |n 1apan, l |oarnod tho boauty ot s|mp|o th|ngs. And tho s|mp|ost and most soph|st|catod
th|ng l oxpor|oncod was dr|nk|ng toa. l got up just now |n ordor to ropoat tho oxpor|onco and to oxp|a|n that
dosp|to a|| our cont||cts, a|| our d|tt|cu|t|os, a|| our moannoss and gonoros|ty, wo can st||| |ovo tho s|mp|o
th|ngs |n ||to. 1ho samura| usod to |oavo tho|r swords outs|do botoro go|ng |nto a houso, s|tt|ng down |n tho
corroct posturo, and tak|ng part |n an o|aborato toa coromony. 0ur|ng that t|mo, thoy cou|d torgot a|| about
war and dovoto thomso|vos to worsh|pp|ng boauty. lot's do that now.'
|o t|||s oach mug w|th toa. Wo wa|t |n s||onco.
l wont to totch tho toa bocauso l saw two samura| roady to do batt|o, but whon l roturnod, tho honorab|o
warr|ors had boon rop|acod by two sou|s who undorstood oach othor w|th no nood tor sooth|ng toa. lot us
dr|nk togothor anyway. lot us concontrato a|| our ottorts on ach|ov|ng lortoct|on through tho |mportoct
gosturos ot ovoryday ||to. 1ruo w|sdom moans rospoct|ng tho s|mp|o th|ngs wo do, tor thoy can tako us
whoro wo nood to go.'
Wo rospocttu||y dr|nk tho toa that Yao has pourod tor us. low that l havo boon torg|von, l can savor tho
tasto ot tho young |oavos botoro thoy woro p|ckod by ca||ousod hands, dr|od, and mado |nto a dr|nk that
croatos harmony a|| around. lono ot us |s |n a hurry, as wo travo| on, wo aro constant|y dostroy|ng and
robu||d|ng ourso|vos and who wo aro.
Whon wo havo t|n|shod, l aga|n |nv|to |||a| to to||ow mo. 3ho dosorvos to know tho tu|| story and to doc|do
tor horso|t.
WE AlE ll 1|E vE31l3UlE botwoon carr|agos. A man ot about my ago |s ta|k|ng to a woman who |s stand|ng
proc|so|y whoro tho A|oph |s. G|von tho spoc|a| onorgy ot that p|aco, thoy m|ght stay thoro tor somo t|mo.
Wo wa|t tor a wh||o. A th|rd porson arr|vos, ||ghts a c|garotto, and jo|ns tho othor two.
|||a| makos as |t to go back |nto tho |oungo. 1h|s |s oor spaco. 1hoy shou|d bo |n tho noxt carr|ago.'
l ask hor to stay whoro sho |s. Wo can wa|t.
Why woro you so aggross|vo, whon sho obv|ous|y wantod to mako poaco?' l ask.
l don't know. l'm |ost. Evory t|mo wo stop, ovory day that passos, l too| moro and moro |ost. l thought l had
such a nood to ||ght that t|ro on tho mounta|n, to bo by your s|do, to ho|p you tu|t||| somo m|ss|on unknown to
mo. l thought that sho wou|d roact tho way sho d|d and do ovoryth|ng poss|b|o to stop that trom happon|ng.
And l prayod tor tho strongth to ovorcomo a|| obstac|os, to accopt tho consoquoncos, to bo hum|||atod,
|nsu|tod, rojoctod, and dosp|sod, and a|| |n tho namo ot a |ovo l novor thought cou|d ox|st but wh|ch doos
ox|st. And l'vo como vory c|oso to ach|ov|ng that. l now s|oop |n tho borth noxt to yours, wh|ch |s ompty
bocauso God doc|dod that tho porson who was go|ng to occupy |t wou|d drop out at tho |ast momont. 3ho
d|dn't mako that doc|s|on, |t camo trom on h|gh, l'm suro ot that. low, though, tor tho t|rst t|mo s|nco l got on
th|s tra|n bound tor tho lac|t|c coast, l suddon|y havo no dos|ro to carry on.'
Anothor porson arr|vos and jo|ns tho group. |o comos armod w|th throo cans ot boor. lt |ooks ||ko tho|r
convorsat|on |s go|ng to |ast qu|to a |ong t|mo.
l know what you moan. You th|nk you'vo roachod tho ond, but you havon't. And you'ro qu|to r|ght that you
nood to undorstand why you'ro horo. You camo to torg|vo mo, and l want to show you why. |owovor, words
k|||, and on|y through d|roct oxpor|onco w||| you undorstand ovoryth|ng-or rathor, on|y thon w||| wo
undorstand ovoryth|ng, bocauso l don't know how tho story onds, o|thor, what tho |ast ||no or |ast word w|||
bo.'
lot's wa|t tor thom to |oavo, thon, so that wo can ontor tho A|oph.'
1hat's what l thought, too, but thoy'ro c|oar|y go|ng to bo horo tor a wh||o, proc|so|y bocauso ot tho A|oph.
1hoy may not bo awaro ot |t, but thoy'ro oxpor|onc|ng a too||ng ot ouphor|a and p|on|tudo. lt occurrod to mo
wh||o l was watch|ng thom that l may nood to gu|do you and not just show you ovoryth|ng a|| at onco.
Como to my room ton|ght. lt's hard to s|oop |n th|s carr|ago, anyway, but just c|oso your oyos, ro|ax, and
||o down bos|do mo. lot mo ombraco you as l d|d |n lovos|b|rsk. l'm go|ng to try to roach tho ond ot that
story a|ono, and thon l w||| to|| you oxact|y what happonod.'
1hat's what l hopod to hoar. An |nv|tat|on to your room. 3ut p|oaso don't rojoct mo aga|n.'
1ho Fitth Woman
l 0l0l'1 |AvE 1lVE 1O WA3| VY lA1AVA3.'
|||a| |s woar|ng on|y a 1-sh|rt sho has just borrowod trom mo. lt covors tho top ha|t ot hor body but |oavos
hor |ogs baro. l can't to|| |t sho's woar|ng anyth|ng undornoath or not. 3ho gots |nto bod.
l stroko hor ha|r. l nood to uso a|| tho tact and do||cacy at my command, to say ovoryth|ng and noth|ng.
A|| l nood at tho momont |s tor you to ombraco mo, a gosturo as o|d as human|ty |tso|t, and wh|ch moans
tar moro than tho moot|ng ot two bod|os. An ombraco moans: l don't too| throatonod by you, l'm not atra|d to
bo th|s c|oso, l can ro|ax, too| at homo, too| protoctod and |n tho prosonco ot somoono who undorstands mo.
lt |s sa|d that oach t|mo wo ombraco somoono warm|y, wo ga|n an oxtra day ot ||to. 3o p|oaso, ombraco mo
now,' l say.
l p|aco my hoad on hor broast, and sho ho|ds mo |n hor arms. l aga|n hoar hor hoart boat|ng tast and
roa||zo that sho's not woar|ng a bra.
l wou|d vory much ||ko to to|| you what l'm about to attompt, but l can't. l'vo novor yot roachod tho ond, tho
po|nt whoro a|| th|ngs aro roso|vod and oxp|a|nod. l a|ways stop at tho samo momont, just as wo'ro |oav|ng.'
loav|ng what?' asks |||a|.
1ust as wo'ro |oav|ng tho squaro, but don't ask mo to oxp|a|n any turthor. 1horo aro o|ght womon, you
soo, and ono ot thom says somoth|ng to mo that l can't hoar. ln tho |ast twonty yoars, l'vo mot tour ot thoso
womon, but nono cou|d tako mo as tar as tho ond ot tho story. You'ro tho t|tth ot thoso womon. 1h|s journoy
d|dn't happon by chanco, and g|von that God doosn't p|ay d|co w|th tho Un|vorso, l now know why that story
about tho t|ro ||t on a mounta|n mado you como |n soarch ot mo, a|though l on|y undorstood th|s whon wo
ontorod tho A|oph togothor.'
l nood a c|garotto. Can you oxp|a|n moro c|oar|y? l thought you wantod to bo w|th mo.'
Wo s|t up |n bod and ||ght a c|garotto oach.
l w|sh l cou|d bo c|oaror and to|| you ovoryth|ng, start|ng trom tho po|nt whoro l road tho |ottor, wh|ch |s
a|ways tho t|rst th|ng to appoar. Attor that, l hoar tho vo|co ot my 3upor|or to|||ng mo that tho o|ght womon
aro wa|t|ng tor us. And l know that at tho ond, ono ot tho womon says somoth|ng to mo, but l can't to||
whothor |t's a b|oss|ng or a curso.'
3o you'ro ta|k|ng about past ||vos, about a |ottor |n a past ||to?'
1hat's a|| l nood hor to undorstand, just as |ong as sho doosn't ask mo to oxp|a|n wh|ch ||to l'm ta|k|ng
about.
Evoryth|ng happons horo |n tho prosont. Wo condomn or savo ourso|vos horo and now, a|| tho t|mo.
Wo'ro constant|y chang|ng s|dos, jump|ng trom ono carr|ago to tho noxt, trom ono para||o| wor|d |nto
anothor. You havo to bo||ovo that.'
l do. l th|nk l know what you'ro ta|k|ng about.'
A tra|n passos, hoad|ng |n tho oppos|to d|roct|on. 1ho ||t w|ndows t|ash rap|d|y past, wo hoar tho no|so,
too| tho b|ast ot a|r. 1ho carr|ago rocks ovon moro than usua|.
What l nood to do now |s to go ovor to tho othor s|do, wh|ch |s |n th|s samo 'tra|n' ca||od t|mo and spaco.
lt's not hard to do. You s|mp|y havo to |mag|no a r|ng ot go|d mov|ng up and down your body, s|ow|y at t|rst,
and thon gradua||y ga|n|ng spood. lt workod |ncrod|b|y wo|| whon wo woro |n lovos|b|rsk togothor. 1hat's
why l'd ||ko to ropoat tho oxpor|onco. You ombracod mo and l ombracod you, and tho r|ng sont mo a|most
ottort|oss|y back |nto tho past.'
ls that a|| |t takos? You just havo to |mag|no a r|ng?'
Vy oyos aro t|xod on tho computor on tho ||tt|o tab|o |n my borth. l got up and br|ng |t ovor to tho bod.
Wo th|nk that a computor |s tu|| ot photos and |magos that prov|do a roa| w|ndow on tho wor|d, but tho tact
|s that boh|nd what wo soo on tho scroon, thoro |s noth|ng but a succoss|on ot zoros and onos, what
programmors ca|| b|nary |anguago.
Wo havo a nood to croato a v|s|b|o roa||ty around us, |n tact, |t wo hadn't dono that, wo humans wou|d
novor havo surv|vod our prodators. Wo |nvontod somoth|ng ca||od 'momory,' just ||ko |n a computor. Vomory
protocts us trom dangor, a||ows us to ||vo as soc|a| bo|ngs, to t|nd tood, grow, and pass ovoryth|ng wo'vo
|oarnod on to tho noxt gonorat|on, but |t's not tho ma|n mattor ot ||to.'
l rop|aco tho computor on tho tab|o and como back to tho bod.
1ho r|ng ot t|ro |s moro|y a tr|ck to troo us trom momory. l road somoth|ng about |t somowhoro onco. l
can't romombor tho author's namo now, but ho sa|d that |t's what wo do unconsc|ous|y ovory n|ght whon wo
droam: wo ontor our rocont or romoto past. Wo wako up th|nk|ng that wo'vo droamod tho most r|d|cu|ous
th|ngs wh||o wo s|opt, but that's not truo. Wo'vo v|s|tod anothor d|mons|on, whoro th|ngs don't happon
oxact|y as thoy do horo. Wo th|nk |t's a|| nonsonso, bocauso whon wo wako up, wo'ro |mmod|ato|y back |n a
wor|d organ|zod by momory, wh|ch |s our way ot undorstand|ng tho prosont. What wo saw |n our droams |s
rap|d|y torgotton.'
ls |t roa||y that oasy to go back to a past ||to or ontor a d|ttoront d|mons|on?'
lt |s whon wo droam or whon wo do||borato|y provoko that stato, but provok|ng such statos |sn't roa||y
adv|sab|o. Onco tho r|ng has a gr|p on your body, your sou| t|oats ott |nto a k|nd ot no-man's-|and. lt |t
doosn't know whoro |t's go|ng, |t w||| ta|| |nto a doop s|oop, and thon |t can bo carr|od ott |nto aroas whoro |t
won't bo wo|como, and thon |t w||| o|thor |oarn noth|ng or br|ng past prob|oms |nto tho prosont.'
Wo t|n|sh our c|garottos. l put tho ashtray down on tho cha|r that sorvos as my bods|do tab|o and ask hor
to ombraco mo aga|n. |or hoart |s boat|ng ovon tastor.
Am l ono ot thoso o|ght womon?'
Yos. A|| tho poop|o w|th whom wo'vo had prob|oms |n tho past koop roappoar|ng |n our ||vos, |n what
myst|cs ca|| tho Whoo| ot 1|mo. Wo bocomo moro awaro ot th|s w|th oach now |ncarnat|on, and thoso
cont||cts aro gradua||y roso|vod. Whon ovoryono's cont||cts ovorywhoro coaso to ox|st, thon tho human raco
w||| ontor a now phaso.'
3o d|d wo causo thoso cont||cts |n tho past just so that wo cou|d roso|vo thom |ator on?'
lo, tho cont||cts woro nocossary tor human|ty to bo ab|o to ovo|vo |n a way and a d|roct|on that st|||
roma|n a mystory to us. lmag|no a t|mo whon wo woro a|| part ot a k|nd ot b|o|og|ca| soup that covorod tho
p|anot. Co||s roproducod |n tho samo way tor m||||ons ot yoars, thon ono ot thom changod. At that po|nt,
b||||ons ot othor co||s sa|d, '1hat's not r|ght, that co||'s |n cont||ct w|th tho rost ot us.'
Voanwh||o, that mutat|on mado tho othor co||s bos|do |t chango, too. 'V|stako' to||owod upon 'm|stako,'
and out ot that soup camo amoobas, t|sh, an|ma|s, and mon. Cont||ct was ossont|a| to ovo|ut|on.'
3ho ||ghts anothor c|garotto. 3ut why do wo nood to roso|vo thoso cont||cts now?'
3ocauso tho Un|vorso, God's hoart, contracts and oxpands. 1ho motto ot tho a|chom|sts was 5o|vo ot
coogo|o, wh|ch moans 'soparato and br|ng togothor.' 0on't ask mo why, bocauso l don't know.
1h|s attornoon, you and my od|tor quarro|od. 1hanks to that controntat|on, you woro oach ab|o to rovoa| a
||ght that tho othor was unawaro ot. You soparatod and camo togothor aga|n, and wo a|| bonot|tod trom that.
1h|ngs cou|d havo turnod out qu|to d|ttoront|y: a controntat|on w|th no pos|t|vo rosu|ts. ln that caso, tho mattor
wou|d havo provod |oss |||um|nat|ng or wou|d havo had to bo roso|vod |ator. lt cou|dn't roma|n unroso|vod,
bocauso tho onorgy ot hatrod botwoon tho two ot you wou|d havo |ntoctod tho who|o carr|ago. And th|s
carr|ago, you soo, |s a motaphor tor ||to.'
3ho's not much |ntorostod |n thoso thoor|os. 3og|n, thon. l'|| go w|th you.'
lo, you won't. You may bo ho|d|ng mo |n your arms, but you don't know whoro l'm go|ng. 0on't do |t.
lrom|so mo you won't |mag|no tho r|ng. Evon |t l don't t|nd a comp|oto so|ut|on, l prom|so l'|| to|| you whoro l
mot you botoro. l don't know that |t was tho t|rst t|mo th|s happonod |n a|| my past ||vos, but |t's tho on|y ono
l'm suro ot.'
3ho doosn't answor.
lrom|so,' l |ns|st. 1oday, l tr|od to tako you back to tho A|oph, but thoro woro poop|o thoro. 1hat moans l
must go thoro botoro you do.'
3ho ro|oasos mo trom hor ombraco and makos as |t to got up. l ho|d on to hor.
lot's go to tho A|oph now,' sho says. 1horo won't bo anyono around at th|s hour.'
l|oaso bo||ovo mo. Embraco mo aga|n and try not to movo too much, ovon |t you havo d|tt|cu|ty s|oop|ng.
lot mo soo |t l can got an answor t|rst. l|ght tho sacrod t|ro on tho mounta|n, bocauso tho p|aco l'm go|ng to
|s as co|d as doath.'
l'm ono ot tho womon, aron't l?' |||a| says aga|n.
Yos,' l say, st||| ||ston|ng to hor hoart boat|ng.
l'|| ||ght tho t|ro and stay horo to watch ovor you. Go |n poaco.'
l |mag|no tho r|ng. |or oar||or torg|vonoss |oavos mo troor, and soon tho r|ng |s mov|ng up and down my
body ot |ts own accord, propo|||ng mo toward tho p|aco l do not want to go but to wh|ch l must roturn.
Ad Extiranda
l lOOK Ul trom tho |ottor and obsorvo tho o|ogant coup|o botoro mo. 1ho man |s woar|ng a spot|oss wh|to
||non sh|rt and a vo|vot jackot w|th go|d ombro|dory on tho s|oovos. 1ho woman has on a tur jackot, and tho
woo|on bod|co ot hor dross |s sown w|th poar|s wh||o tho h|gh ombro|dorod co||ar ot hor |ong-s|oovod wh|to
b|ouso tramos hor anx|ous taco. 1hoy aro ta|k|ng to my 3upor|or.
Wo'vo boon tr|onds tor yoars,' sho says, g|v|ng a torcod sm||o, as |t sho wantod to conv|nco us that
noth|ng has changod, that th|s |s a|| a m|sundorstand|ng. You bapt|zod hor and sot hor on tho path to
r|ghtoousnoss.'
1hon, turn|ng to mo, sho adds, And you know hor bottor than anyono. You p|ayod togothor and grow up
togothor and on|y grow apart whon you choso to ontor tho pr|osthood.'
1ho lnqu|s|tor roma|ns |mpass|vo.
1ho coup|o |ook at mo w|th p|oad|ng oyos, bogg|ng tor my ho|p. l havo otton s|opt |n tho|r houso and oaton
tho|r tood. 1hoy took mo |n attor my paronts d|od trom tho p|aguo. l nod |n agroomont. l am t|vo yoars o|dor,
but |t's truo that l know hor bottor than anyono. Wo d|d |ndood p|ay togothor and grow up togothor and,
botoro l ontorod tho 0om|n|can Ordor, sho was tho woman w|th whom l wou|d havo ||kod to spond tho rost ot
my days.
Wo'ro not ta|k|ng about hor tr|onds.' lt |s hor tathor's turn to addross tho lnqu|s|tor, and tho sm||o on h|s
taco |s oqua||y ta|so. l don't know what thoy do or what thoy havo dono. l bo||ovo tho Church has a duty to
put an ond to horosy, just as |t put an ond to tho throat trom tho Voors. 1hoso womon must bo gu||ty,
bocauso tho Church |s novor unjust, but you both know that our daughtor |s |nnocont.'
1ho ordor's supor|ors had arr|vod |n town tho prov|ous day tor tho|r yoar|y v|s|t. A|| tho |nhab|tants had
gathorod |n tho ma|n squaro. 1hoy woro undor no ob||gat|on to do th|s, but anyono who ta||od to appoar was
|mmod|ato|y v|owod as suspoct. |am|||os ot a|| soc|a| c|assos crowdod togothor |n tront ot tho church, and
ono ot tho 3upor|ors road out a documont oxp|a|n|ng tho roason tor tho v|s|t: to unmask horot|cs and |oad
thom to oarth|y and d|v|no just|co. 1hon camo tho momont ot morcy, whon poop|o who to|t thoy had shown a
|ack ot rospoct tor d|v|no dogma cou|d contoss spontanoous|y to tho|r s|ns and roco|vo on|y a m||d
pun|shmont. |owovor, dosp|to tho torror |n ovoryono's oyos, no ono movod.
1hon tho crowd was askod to donounco any susp|c|ous act|v|t|os. A tarm |aboror had stoppod torward
and namod oach ot tho o|ght g|r|s. |o was a man known to boat h|s own daughtors but who a|ways attondod
3unday Vass, as |t ho woro an |nnocont |amb ot God.
1ho lnqu|s|tor turns to mo and nods, and l |mmod|ato|y ho|d out tho |ottor to h|m. |o p|acos |t noxt to a p||o
ot books.
1ho coup|o wa|t. 0osp|to tho co|d, tho tathor's torohoad |s sh|ny w|th swoat.
lono ot our tam||y took a stop torward bocauso wo aro God-toar|ng poop|o. Wo havon't como horo to
savo a|| tho g|r|s, wo just want our daughtor back. l prom|so by a|| that's ho|y that wo'|| sond hor stra|ght to a
convont as soon as sho's s|xtoon. |or body and sou| w||| havo but ono goa|: dovot|on to tho 0|v|no Vajosty.'
1hat man mado h|s accusat|on |n tront ot tho who|o town,' tho lnqu|s|tor says at |ast. |o r|sks pub||c
d|sgraco |t ho |s tound to bo |y|ng. Vost donunc|at|ons aro mado anonymous|y. 3uch bravory |s raro.'
lo||ovod that tho lnqu|s|tor has at |oast brokon h|s s||onco, tho g|r|'s tathor th|nks that porhaps thoro |s a
chanco to nogot|ato.
|o's an onomy ot m|no, you know that. l d|sm|ssod h|m trom h|s job bocauso ho covotod my daughtor.
lt's puro rovongo on h|s part, and noth|ng to do w|th ta|th.'
|o wou|d ||ko to add that tho samo |s truo ot tho othor sovon accusod. 1horo aro rumors that th|s samo
tarm |aboror has had soxua| ro|at|ons w|th two ot h|s own daughtors. |o's a porvort who can t|nd p|oasuro
on|y |n sox w|th young g|r|s.
1ho lnqu|s|tor romovos a book trom a p||o on tho tab|o.
l wou|d ||ko to bo||ovo that, and l'm proparod to bo shown that th|s |s tho caso, but l havo to to||ow tho
corroct procoduros. lt sho |s |nnocont, sho has noth|ng to toar. loth|ng, abso|uto|y noth|ng, w||| bo dono that
|s not wr|tton down horo. 1ruo, wo d|d comm|t corta|n oxcossos at tho bog|nn|ng, but wo aro moro organ|zod
and moro carotu|. lo ono ovor d|os at our hand now.'
|o ho|ds out tho book: Llroctorlom loqolsltorom. 1ho g|r|'s tathor takos |t but doos not opon |t. |o gr|ps |t
hard, as |t to concoa| tho tact that h|s hands aro tromb||ng.
lt conta|ns our codo ot conduct,' tho lnqu|s|tor goos on. 1ho roots ot tho Chr|st|an ta|th. 1ho porvorso
ways ot horot|cs. And how wo shou|d d|st|ngu|sh ono trom tho othor.'
1ho woman ra|sos ono hand to hor mouth, try|ng to b|to back hor toar and hor toars. 3ho soos that thoy
w||| ach|ovo noth|ng horo.
l won't bo tho ono to go to tho court and to|| how, as a ch||d, sho usod to ta|k to what sho ca||od hor
'|nv|s|b|o tr|onds.' lt's wo|| known |n tho town that sho and hor tr|onds wou|d go down to tho woods and s|t
around an upturnod g|ass, p|aco tho|r t|ngors on |t, and try to mako |t movo by shoor w|||powor. |our ot thom
havo contossod to hav|ng tr|od to ontor |nto contact w|th tho sp|r|ts ot tho doad |n ordor that thoy m|ght know
tho tuturo, and to hav|ng d|abo||ca| powors, such as tho ab|||ty to convorso w|th what thoy ca|| 'tho torcos ot
naturo.' God |s tho on|y torco and tho on|y powor.'
3ut a|| ch||dron do such th|ngs!'
1ho lnqu|s|tor gots up, comos ovor to my dosk, p|cks up anothor book, and starts |oat|ng through |t.
0osp|to tho tr|ondsh|p that b|nds h|m to th|s tam||y-wh|ch |s tho on|y roason ho agrood to th|s moot|ng-ho
wants to havo tho mattor sott|od by 3unday. l try to roassuro tho coup|o as bost l can w|th my oyos, tho on|y
moans opon to mo, g|von that l am w|th my 3upor|or and cannot vo|co an op|n|on.
1hoy don't not|co, howovor, bo|ng ont|ro|y tocusod on tho lnqu|s|tor's ovory gosturo.
l|oaso,' says tho mothor, mak|ng no attompt now to h|do hor dospa|r. 3paro our daughtor. lt hor tr|onds
contossod, |t was on|y bocauso thoy woro-'
|or husband grabs hor hand, |ntorrupt|ng hor, but tho lnqu|s|tor comp|otos hor romark.
1orturod? look, wo havo known oach othor tor many yoars, you and l, and havo d|scussod a|| aspocts ot
thoo|ogy. 3uro|y you know that God |s |n oach ot thoso g|r|s and wou|d novor a||ow thom to suttor or to
contoss to anyth|ng that was not truo. 0o you th|nk that a ||tt|o pa|n wou|d bo onough to oxtract trom tho|r
sou|s tho vory worst ot |gnom|n|os? ||s |o||noss lopo lnnocont lv gavo torturo tho soa| ot approva| throo
hundrod yoars ago w|th h|s papa| bu||, Ao oxtlrpoooo. Wo do not torturo bocauso |t g|vos us p|oasuro, wo
uso |t as a tost ot ta|th. 1hoso who havo noth|ng to contoss w||| bo comtortod and protoctod by tho |o|y
3p|r|t.'
1ho coup|o's |av|sh c|othos aro |n markod contrast to tho baro room str|ppod ot a|| comtort, apart trom a
t|ro that has boon ||t to warm tho p|aco a ||tt|o. A ray ot sun||ght ontors through a ch|nk |n tho stono wa|| and
sots tho jowo|s ot tho woman's r|ngs and nock|aco g||ttor|ng.
1h|s |sn't tho t|rst t|mo tho |o|y Ott|co has v|s|tod tho town,' says tho lnqu|s|tor. On prov|ous v|s|ts, you
no|thor comp|a|nod nor thought that what wo woro do|ng was unjust. On tho contrary, you approvod ot th|s
pract|co ovor suppor, say|ng that |t was tho on|y way to stop tho torcos ot ov|| trom sproad|ng. Whonovor wo
purgod tho town ot |ts horot|cs, you app|audod. You saw that wo aro not cruo| tyrants but sookors attor truth,
wh|ch |s not a|ways as transparont as |t shou|d bo.'
3ut-'
3ut thoso th|ngs happonod to othor poop|o, to thoso whom you doomod dosorv|ng ot torturo and tho
pyro. Onco'-ho po|nts at tho man-you yourso|t donouncod a tam||y who woro no|ghbors ot yours. You
sa|d that tho mothor pract|cod tho b|ack arts and causod your catt|o to d|o. Whon wo provod th|s to bo truo,
thoy woro condomnod and .'
|o pausos botoro comp|ot|ng tho sontonco, as |t savor|ng tho words.
. and l ho|pod you to buy that tam||y's |ands tor noxt to noth|ng. Your p|oty was wo|| rowardod.'
|o turns to mo: 3r|ng mo tho Vo||oos Vo|olcorom.'
l go ovor to tho sho|t boh|nd h|s dosk. |o |s a good man, conv|ncod that ho |s do|ng tho r|ght th|ng. |o |s
not carry|ng out somo porsona| rovongo, ho |s work|ng |n tho namo ot h|s ta|th. A|though ho has novor
contossod h|s too||ngs to mo, l havo otton soon h|m gaz|ng ott |nto tho d|stanco, as |t ask|ng God why |o
has p|acod such a hoavy burdon on h|s shou|dors.
l hand h|m tho th|ck |oathor-bound vo|umo w|th tho t|t|o omb|azonod on tho tront.
lt's a|| |n horo, |n tho Vo||oos Vo|olcorom, a |ong, dota||od |nvost|gat|on |nto tho un|vorsa| consp|racy to
br|ng back pagan|sm, tho bo||ot |n naturo as our ono sa|vat|on, tho suporst|t|ous bo||ot |n tho ox|stonco ot
past ||vos, tho v||o art ot astro|ogy and tho so-ca||od 'sc|onco' that don|os tho mystor|os ot ta|th. 1ho 0ov||
knows ho cannot work a|ono, that ho noods w|tchos and sc|ont|sts to soduco and corrupt tho wor|d.
Wh||o tho mon aro away, t|ght|ng and dy|ng |n wars to dotond tho |a|th and tho K|ngdom, tho womon
start th|nk|ng that thoy woro born to govorn, and tho cowards who bo||ovo thomso|vos to bo sagos turn to
mod|ums and sc|ont|t|c thoor|os tor what thoy cou|d oas||y t|nd |n tho 3|b|o. lt |s up to us to provont th|s trom
happon|ng. l d|d not br|ng thoso g|r|s horo. l am s|mp|y chargod w|th ascorta|n|ng |t thoy aro |nnocont or |t
thoy must bo savod.'
|o gots up and asks mo to go w|th h|m.
l must |oavo now. lt your daughtor |s |nnocont, sho w||| bo at homo w|th you botoro a now day dawns.'
1ho woman throws horso|t on tho ground and knoo|s at h|s toot.
l|oaso! You ho|d hor |n your arms whon sho was just a baby.'
1ho man p|ays h|s |ast card.
l w||| g|vo a|| my |ands and a|| my woa|th to tho Church, r|ght now. G|vo mo a pon and somo papor, and l
w||| s|gn. l want to |oavo horo hand |n hand w|th my daughtor.'
1ho lnqu|s|tor pushos tho woman away, but sho roma|ns knoo||ng, sobb|ng ho|p|oss|y, hor taco bur|od |n
hor hands.
1ho 0om|n|can Ordor was choson proc|so|y so that th|s k|nd ot th|ng wou|d not happon. 1ho o|d
lnqu|s|tors woro oas||y br|bod, but wo 0om|n|cans havo a|ways mado a ||v|ng trom bogg|ng and w||| cont|nuo
to do so. Vonoy doos not tompt us, on tho contrary, your scanda|ous ottor on|y makos your daughtor's
s|tuat|on worso.'
1ho man grabs mo by tho shou|dors.
You woro ||ko a son to us! Whon your paronts d|od, wo took you |nto our houso so that your unc|o wou|d
not cont|nuo to m|stroat you.'
0on't worry,' l wh|spor |n h|s oar, atra|d that tho lnqu|s|tor m|ght hoar. 0on't worry.'
Evon though ho had takon mo |n on|y so that l cou|d work ||ko a s|avo on h|s |and. Evon though ho, too,
had boaton and |nsu|tod mo whonovor l d|d anyth|ng wrong.
l oxtr|cato myso|t trom h|s grasp and wa|k ovor to tho door. 1ho lnqu|s|tor turns around ono |ast t|mo to tho
coup|o.
Ono day, you w||| thank mo tor hav|ng savod your daughtor trom otorna| damnat|on.'
Ul0lE33 |El.'
1ho lnqu|s|tor |s s|tt|ng at a vast tab|o surroundod by a sor|os ot ompty cha|rs. 1wo guards mako a movo
toward hor, but tho g|r| ho|ds up hor hand.
l don't nood thom, l can do |t a|ono. 1ust, p|oaso, don't hurt mo.'
3|ow|y sho romovos hor vo|vot sk|rt ombro|dorod w|th go|d throad, as o|ogant as tho dross hor mothor
woro. 1ho twonty mon |n tho room protond to tako no not|co, but l know what |s go|ng through tho|r m|nds:
|owd thoughts, |ust, grood, porvors|on.
And your b|ouso.'
3ho takos ott tho b|ouso, wh|ch was doubt|oss wh|to yostorday but wh|ch |s now d|rty and crump|od. |or
gosturos soom to bo too s|ow and stud|od, but l know what sho's th|nk|ng: lo`|| sovo mo. lo`|| stop tbls
oow. And l say noth|ng, but s||ont|y ask God |t what |s happon|ng |s r|ght. l start to ropoat tho lord's lrayor
ovor and ovor, ask|ng God to on||ghton both hor and my 3upor|or. l know what ho's th|nk|ng, that tho
donunc|at|on had |ts roots not on|y |n joa|ousy and vongoanco but |n tho woman's oxtraord|nary boauty. 3ho
|s tho vory |mago ot luc|tor, tho most boaut|tu| and most porvorso ot |oavon's ango|s.
Evoryono horo knows hor tathor, knows how powortu| ho |s and what harm ho can do to anyono who
touchos h|s daughtor. 3ho |ooks at mo, and l do not turn away. 1ho othors aro scattorod about tho groat
subtorranoan room, h|ddon |n tho shadows, atra|d that sho m|ght omorgo trom th|s a||vo and donounco thom
a||. Cowards. 1hoy woro summonod horo to sorvo a groat causo, to ho|p pur|ty tho wor|d. Why aro thoy
h|d|ng trom a dotonso|oss young g|r|?
1ako ott your othor c|othos, too.'
3ho |s st||| gaz|ng t|xod|y at mo. 3ho ra|sos hor hands and unt|os tho r|bbon on hor b|uo s||p, wh|ch |s a||
that |s covor|ng hor body now, and |ots |t ta|| to tho t|oor. |or oyos p|oad w|th mo to stop what |s happon|ng,
and l rospond w|th a s||ght nod, |nd|cat|ng that sho nood not worry, ovoryth|ng w||| bo a|| r|ght.
look tor tho mark ot 3atan,' tho lnqu|s|tor to||s mo.
l|ck|ng up a cand|o, l go ovor to hor. 1ho n|pp|os ot hor sma|| broasts aro hard, a|though l cannot to||
whothor th|s |s bocauso sho |s co|d or |nvo|untar||y arousod by tho tact ot stand|ng nakod botoro a|| thoso
mon. |or sk|n |s covorod |n gooso p|mp|os. 1ho ta|| w|ndows w|th tho|r th|ck g|ass |ot |n ||tt|o ||ght, but tho
||ght that doos ontor g|ows on hor |mmacu|ato|y wh|to sk|n. l do not nood to |ook vory hard. On hor pub|s-
wh|ch, whon l was most soro|y tomptod, l otton usod to |mag|no k|ss|ng-l can soo tho mark ot 3atan h|ddon
among hor pub|c ha|r, at tho top |ott-hand s|do. 1h|s tr|ghtons mo. lorhaps tho lnqu|s|tor |s r|ght, tor horo |s
|rrotutab|o proot that sho has had soxua| ro|at|ons w|th tho 0ov||. l too| a m|xturo ot d|sgust, sadnoss, and
rago.
l nood to bo suro. l knoo| down bos|do hor nakod body and |ook at tho mark aga|n: a croscont-shapod
mo|o.
lt's boon thoro s|nco l was born.'
l|ko hor paronts, sho th|nks sho can ostab||sh a d|a|oguo and porsuado ovoryono ot hor |nnoconco. l
havo boon pray|ng hard ovor s|nco l camo |nto tho room, dosporato|y ask|ng God to g|vo mo strongth. 1horo
w||| bo somo pa|n, but |t shou|d a|| bo ovor |n |oss than ha|t an hour. Evon |t that mark |s |rrotutab|o proot ot
hor cr|mos, l |ovod hor botoro l gavo myso|t, body and sou|, to tho sorv|co ot God, know|ng that hor paronts
wou|d novor a||ow a nob|owoman to marry a poasant.
And that |ovo |s st||| too strong tor mo to mastor. l do not want to soo hor suttor.
l havo novor ca||od up tho 0ov||. You know mo, and you know my tr|onds as wo||. 1o|| h|m'-sho po|nts to
my 3upor|or-that l'm |nnocont.'
1ho lnqu|s|tor thon spoaks w|th surpr|s|ng tondornoss, wh|ch can on|y havo |ts sourco |n d|v|no morcy.
l, too, know your tam||y, but tho Church |s awaro that tho 0ov|| doos not chooso h|s subjocts on tho bas|s
ot soc|a| c|ass but tor tho|r capac|ty to soduco w|th words or w|th ta|so boauty. 1osus sa|d that ov|| comos
out ot tho mouths ot mon. lt tho ov|| |s w|th|n, |t w||| bo oxorc|sod by scroams and w||| bocomo tho contoss|on
wo a|| hopo tor. lt thoro |s no ov|| thoro, thon you w||| bo ab|o to w|thstand tho pa|n.'
l'm co|d. 0o you th|nk-'
0o not spoak un|oss spokon to,' ho rosponds gont|y but t|rm|y. Voro|y nod or shako your hoad. Your tour
tr|onds havo a|roady to|d you what happons, havon't thoy?'
3ho nods.
1ako your soats, gont|omon.'
low tho cowards w||| havo to show tho|r tacos. 1udgos, scr|bos, and nob|omon tako tho|r p|acos around
tho |argo tab|o at wh|ch tho lnqu|s|tor has boon s|tt|ng a|ono unt|| now. On|y myso|t, tho guards, and tho g|r|
roma|n stand|ng.
l wou|d protor th|s rabb|o not to bo horo. lt |t woro on|y tho throo ot us, l know that ho wou|d bo movod.
Vost donunc|at|ons aro mado anonymous|y, bocauso poop|o toar what tho|r to||ow townspoop|o w||| say,
had th|s donunc|at|on not boon mado |n pub||c, thon porhaps nono ot th|s wou|d bo happon|ng. 3ut dost|ny
has dotorm|nod that th|ngs shou|d tako a d|ttoront courso, and tho Church noods tho rabb|o. 1ho |oga|
procoss must bo to||owod. |av|ng boon accusod ot oxcossos |n tho past, |t was docrood that ovoryth|ng
shou|d bo sot down |n tho appropr|ato c|v|| documonts. 1hus, |n tho tuturo, ovoryono w||| know that tho
occ|os|ast|ca| author|t|os actod w|th d|gn|ty and |n |og|t|mato dotonso ot tho ta|th. 1ho sontonco |s handod
down by tho stato, tho lnqu|s|tors havo on|y to |nd|cato tho gu||ty party.
0on't bo atra|d. l havo just spokon to your paronts and prom|sod to do a|| l can to ostab||sh that you novor
took part |n tho r|tua|s ot wh|ch you havo boon accusod. 1hat you d|d not |nvoko tho sp|r|ts ot tho doad or try
to d|scovor what ||os |n tho tuturo, that you novor tr|od to v|s|t tho past, that you do not worsh|p naturo, that
tho d|sc|p|os ot 3atan novor touchod your body, dosp|to tho mark that |s c|oar|y thoro.'
You know that-'
Evoryono prosont, tho|r tacos now v|s|b|o to tho pr|sonor, turn |nd|gnant|y to tho lnqu|s|tor, oxpoct|ng a
just|t|ab|y storn rosponso. |owovor, ho moro|y ra|sos h|s t|ngor to h|s ||ps, ask|ng hor onco aga|n to rospoct
tho court.
Vy prayors aro bo|ng hoard. l ask God to t||| my 3upor|or w|th pat|onco and to|oranco, and not to sond hor
to tho Whoo|. lo ono can ros|st tho Whoo|, and so on|y thoso whoso gu||t |s assurod aro p|acod on |t. 3o tar,
nono ot tho tour g|r|s who havo appoarod botoro tho court has mor|tod that oxtromo torm ot pun|shmont,
wh|ch |nvo|vos bo|ng t|od to tho tramo ot tho Whoo|, studdod w|th sharp na||s and hot coa|s. Whon tho Whoo|
|s turnod, tho pr|sonor's t|osh |s scorchod and torn.
3r|ng tho bod.'
Vy prayors havo boon answorod. Ono ot tho guards baw|s out tho ordor.
3ho tr|os to run away, ovon though sho knows th|s |s |mposs|b|o. 3ho runs trom ono s|do ot tho room to
tho othor, hur|s horso|t at tho stono wa||s, rushos to tho door, but |s ropo||od. 0osp|to tho co|d and damp, hor
body |s covorod |n swoat and g|oams |n tho d|m ||ght. 3ho doosn't scroam ||ko tho othor g|r|s, sho moro|y
tr|os to oscapo. 1ho guards t|na||y manago to ho|d hor down and, |n tho contus|on, do||borato|y touch hor
sma|| broasts and tho tutt ot ha|r covor|ng hor pub|s.
Anothor two mon arr|vo, carry|ng a woodon bod mado spoc|a||y |n |o||and tor tho |o|y Ott|co. 1oday |ts
uso |s rocommondod |n sovora| countr|os. 1hoy p|aco |t vory noar to tho tab|o and b|nd tho s||ont|y strugg||ng
g|r|. 1hoy opon hor |ogs and c|amp hor ank|os w|th tho two r|ngs at ono ond ot tho bod. 1hon thoy strotch hor
arms abovo hor hoad and t|o thom to ropos attachod to a |ovor.
l w||| work tho |ovor,' l say.
1ho lnqu|s|tor |ooks at mo. lorma||y, th|s wou|d bo dono by a so|d|or, but l know how oas||y thoso
barbar|ans cou|d toar hor musc|os, and, bos|dos, ho has a|roady a||owod mo to tako chargo on tho tour
prov|ous occas|ons.
A|| r|ght.'
l go ovor to tho bod and p|aco my hands on tho p|oco ot wood that |s now worn w|th uso. 1ho othor mon
|oan torward. 1ho s|ght ot th|s nakod g|r| t|od to a bod, hor |ogs sproad, cou|d bo soon as s|mu|tanoous|y
ho|||sh and hoavon|y. 1ho 0ov|| tompts and provokos mo. 1on|ght l w||| wh|p h|m out ot my body, and w|th
h|m tho thought that r|ght now l want to bo horo ombrac|ng and protoct|ng hor trom a|| thoso |oor|ng oyos and
sm||os.
Got boh|nd mo |n tho namo ot 1osus!' l cry out to tho 0ov||, unw|tt|ng|y pross|ng tho |ovor so that hor body
|s pu||od taut. 3ho baro|y groans whon hor sp|no archos upward. l oaso tho prossuro, and hor sp|no ro|axos.
l am st||| pray|ng coaso|oss|y, bogg|ng tor God's morcy. Onco tho pa|n throsho|d has boon crossod, tho
sp|r|t grows strong. Evoryday dos|ros bocomo moan|ng|oss, and man |s pur|t|od. 3uttor|ng comos trom
dos|ro, not trom pa|n.
Vy vo|co |s ca|m and comtort|ng.
Your tr|onds havo to|d you about th|s, havon't thoy? Whon l movo th|s |ovor, your arms w||| bo pu||od
backward, your shou|dors w||| como out ot jo|nt, your sp|no w||| rupturo, and your sk|n w||| toar. 0on't torco
mo to go that tar. 3|mp|y contoss, as your tr|onds d|d. Vy 3upor|or w||| abso|vo you ot your s|ns, you w||| bo
ab|o to go homo w|th on|y a ponanco, and ovoryth|ng w||| roturn to norma|. 1ho |o|y Ott|co w||| not rov|s|t tho
town tor a wh||o.'
l g|anco to tho s|do to mako suro tho scr|bo |s not|ng my words corroct|y, that tho rocord |s thoro tor tho
tuturo.
l contoss,' sho says. 1o|| mo what my s|ns aro and l w||| contoss.'
l touch tho |ovor vory gont|y, just onough to mako hor cry out |n pa|n. P|ooso, ooo`t moko mo go ooy
ortbor. lo|p mo, p|ooso, ooo coooss ot ooco.
l cannot to|| you what your s|ns aro. Evon |t l know thom, you aro tho ono who must doc|aro thom to tho
court.'
3ho starts to|||ng us ovoryth|ng wo oxpoctod to hoar, thus mak|ng torturo unnocossary, but sho |s wr|t|ng
hor own doath sontonco, and l must provont that. l pu|| tho |ovor a ||tt|o hardor to try to s||onco hor, but dosp|to
tho pa|n, sho cont|nuos. 3ho spoaks ot promon|t|ons, ot sons|ng what w||| happon |n tho tuturo, ot how
naturo has rovoa|od many mod|ca| socrots to hor and hor tr|onds. l start to pu|| tho |ovor hardor, dosporato to
mako hor stop, but sho cont|nuos, hor words |ntorsporsod w|th cr|os ot pa|n.
1ust a momont,' says tho lnqu|s|tor. lot us hoar what sho has to say. 3|ackon tho prossuro.'
1hon, turn|ng to tho othor mon, ho says, Wo aro a|| w|tnossos. 1ho Church ca||s tor doath by burn|ng tor
th|s poor v|ct|m ot tho 0ov||.'
No! l want to to|| hor to stay s||ont, but ovoryono |s |ook|ng at mo.
1ho court agroos,' says ono ot tho judgos.
3ho hoars th|s and |s |ost torovor. |or tho t|rst t|mo s|nco sho ontorod tho room, hor oyos chango and
tako on a dotorm|nod |ook that can como on|y trom tho Ev|| Ono.
l contoss to hav|ng comm|ttod a|| tho s|ns |n tho wor|d. l contoss to hav|ng droamod ot mon com|ng to my
bod and g|v|ng mo |nt|mato k|ssos. Ono ot thoso mon was you, and l contoss that, |n my droams, l tomptod
you. l contoss that l gathorod togothor w|th my tr|onds to conjuro up tho sp|r|ts ot tho doad bocauso l wantod
to know |t l wou|d ono day marry tho man l had a|ways droamod ot hav|ng by my s|do.'
3ho |nd|catos mo w|th a gosturo ot hor hoad.
1hat man was you. l was wa|t|ng unt|| l was a ||tt|o o|dor botoro try|ng to |uro you away trom tho monast|c
||to. l contoss that l wroto |ottors and d|ar|os that l |ator burnod bocauso thoy ta|kod about tho on|y porson,
apart trom my paronts, who showod any compass|on tor mo and whom l |ovod tor that roason. 1hat porson
was you-'
l pu|| tho |ovor hardor. 3ho cr|os out and ta|nts. |or wh|to body |s covorod |n swoat. 1ho guards aro about
to throw co|d wator on hor taco to br|ng hor around so that wo can oxtract turthor contoss|ons trom hor, but
tho lnqu|s|tor stops thom.
1horo's no nood. l th|nk tho court has hoard onough. Covor hor w|th hor s||p and tako hor back to tho co||.'
1hoy p|ck up hor |nan|mato body a|ong w|th tho b|uo s||p that was on tho t|oor and carry hor away. 1ho
lnqu|s|tor turns to tho hard-hoartod mon bos|do h|m.
Gont|omon, l awa|t cont|rmat|on ot tho vord|ct |n wr|t|ng, un|oss anyono horo has somoth|ng to say |n
dotonso ot tho accusod. lt so, wo w||| rocons|dor tho accusat|on.'
1hoy a|| turn to |ook at mo, somo hop|ng l w||| say noth|ng, othors that l w||| savo hor, tor, as sho horso|t
sa|d, l know hor.
Why d|d sho havo to say thoso words horo? Why d|d sho br|ng up too||ngs that had boon so d|tt|cu|t to
ovorcomo whon l doc|dod to sorvo God and |oavo tho wor|d boh|nd? Why d|dn't sho a||ow mo to dotond hor
whon l cou|d havo savod hor ||to? lt l spoak out |n hor tavor now, tomorrow tho who|o town w||| say that l
savod hor on|y bocauso sho sa|d sho had a|ways |ovod mo. Vy roputat|on and my caroor wou|d bo ru|nod
torovor.
lt just ono vo|co |s ra|sod |n hor dotonso, l am proparod to domonstrato tho |on|oncy ot tho |o|y Vothor
Church.'
l am not tho on|y ono horo who knows hor tam||y. 3omo owo thom tavors, othors monoy, othors st||| aro
mot|vatod by onvy. lo ono w||| say a word, on|y thoso who owo thom noth|ng.
3ha|| l doc|aro tho procood|ngs c|osod?'
1ho lnqu|s|tor, dosp|to bo|ng moro |oarnod and moro dovout than l, sooms to bo ask|ng tor my ho|p. Attor
a||, sho d|d to|| ovoryono horo that sho |ovod mo.
On|y spoak a word and my sorvant w||| bo hoa|od,' tho contur|on sa|d to 1osus. 1ust ono word and my
sorvant w||| bo savod.
Vy ||ps do not opon.
1ho lnqu|s|tor doos not show |t, but l know that ho dosp|sos mo. |o turns to tho rost ot tho group.
1ho Church, roprosontod horo by myso|t, hor humb|o dotondor, awa|ts cont|rmat|on ot tho doath pona|ty.'
1ho mon gathor |n a cornor, and l can hoar tho 0ov|| shout|ng ovor |oudor |n my oars, try|ng to contuso mo
as ho had oar||or that day. |owovor, l |ott no |rrovors|b|o marks on tho bod|os ot tho tour othor g|r|s. l havo
soon somo brothors pu|| tho |ovor as tar as |t w||| go, so that tho pr|sonors d|o w|th a|| tho|r organs dostroyod,
b|ood gush|ng trom tho|r mouths, tho|r bod|os a who|o th|rty cont|motors |ongor.
1ho mon roturn w|th a p|oco ot papor s|gnod by a||. 1ho vord|ct |s tho samo as |t was tor tho othor tour
g|r|s: doath by burn|ng.
1ho lnqu|s|tor thanks ovoryono and |oavos w|thout addross|ng anothor word to mo. 1ho mon who
adm|n|stor just|co and tho |aw |oavo, too, somo a|roady d|scuss|ng tho |atost p|oco ot |oca| goss|p, othors
w|th tho|r hoads bowod. l go ovor to tho t|ro, p|ck up ono ot tho rod-hot coa|s, and p|aco |t undor my hab|t
aga|nst my sk|n. l smo|| scorchod t|osh, my hands burn and my body contracts |n pa|n, but l do not movo.
lord,' l say, whon tho pa|n rocodos, may thoso marks roma|n torovor on my body, so that l may novor
torgot who l was today.'
NoutraIizing Enorgy
Without Noving a NuacIo
A |EAvllY VA0E-Ul WOVAl |n trad|t|ona| dross-and who |s somowhat, not to say gross|y, ovorwo|ght-|s
s|ng|ng rog|ona| songs. l hopo ovoryono |s hav|ng a good t|mo, th|s |s a groat party, and l am too||ng moro
ouphor|c w|th ovory k||omotor ot ra||way track wo covor.
1horo was a momont th|s attornoon whon tho porson l usod to bo s|umpod |nto dopross|on, but l soon
rocovorod. Why too| gu||ty |t |||a| has torg|von mo? Go|ng back |nto tho past and roopon|ng o|d wounds |s
no|thor oasy nor part|cu|ar|y |mportant. 1ho on|y just|t|cat|on |s that tho know|odgo acqu|rod m|ght ho|p mo to
ga|n a bottor undorstand|ng ot tho prosont.
Evor s|nco tho |ast book s|gn|ng, l'vo boon try|ng to t|nd tho r|ght words to |oad |||a| toward tho truth. 1ho
troub|o w|th words |s that thoy g|vo us tho |||usory sonso that wo aro mak|ng ourso|vos undorstood as wo|| as
undorstand|ng what othors aro say|ng. |owovor, whon wo turn around and como taco-to-taco w|th our
dost|ny, wo d|scovor that words aro not onough. l know so many poop|o who aro br||||ant spoakors but who
aro qu|to |ncapab|o ot pract|c|ng what thoy proach. 3os|dos, |t's ono th|ng to doscr|bo a s|tuat|on and qu|to
anothor to oxpor|onco |t. l roa||zod a |ong t|mo ago that a warr|or |n soarch ot h|s droam must tako h|s
|nsp|rat|on trom what ho actua||y doos and not trom what ho |mag|nos h|mso|t do|ng. 1horo's no po|nt |n my
to|||ng |||a| what wo wont through togothor, bocauso tho k|nd ot words l wou|d havo to uso to doscr|bo |t
wou|d bo doad botoro thoy ovon |ott my mouth.
Expor|onc|ng what happonod |n that dungoon, tho torturo and doath by burn|ng, wou|dn't ho|p hor at a||, on
tho contrary, |t cou|d causo hor torr|b|o harm. Wo st||| havo a tow days ahoad ot us, and l w||| try to t|nd tho
bost way to ho|p hor undorstand our ro|at|onsh|p w|thout hor nocossar||y go|ng through a|| that suttor|ng
aga|n.
l cou|d chooso to koop hor |n |gnoranco and not say anyth|ng, but tor no |og|ca| roason l can put my t|ngor
on, l sonso that tho truth w||| a|so troo hor trom many ot tho th|ngs sho's oxpor|onc|ng |n th|s |ncarnat|on. lt
was no co|nc|donco that whon l not|cod that my ||to was no |ongor t|ow|ng ||ko a r|vor down to tho soa, l
doc|dod to go ott travo||ng. l d|d so bocauso ovoryth|ng around mo was throaton|ng to stagnato. lor was |t a
co|nc|donco that sho shou|d say sho was too||ng tho samo.
1horotoro, God w||| havo to work w|th mo and show mo a way to to|| hor tho truth. Each day, ovoryono |n
tho carr|ago |s oxpor|onc|ng a now stago |n tho|r ||vos. Vy od|tor sooms moro human and |oss dotons|vo.
Yao, who |s stand|ng bos|do mo now, smok|ng a c|garotto and watch|ng tho poop|o on tho danco t|oor, |s
suro|y g|ad to havo rotroshod h|s own know|odgo by show|ng mo th|ngs l had torgotton. |o and l aga|n spont
tho morn|ng pract|c|ng a|k|do at a gym ho managod to t|nd horo |n lrkutsk, and attorward ho sa|d, Wo
shou|d a|ways bo proparod tor attacks by tho onomy and bo capab|o ot |ook|ng |nto tho oyos ot doath so
that doath may ||ght our path.'
Uosh|ba has a |ot ot say|ngs |ntondod to gu|do tho stops ot thoso who dovoto thomso|vos to tho lath ot
loaco. |owovor, tho ono Yao choso boars d|roct|y on what l wont through |ast n|ght as |||a| s|opt |n my
arms, tor soo|ng hor doath had |||um|natod my path.
Yao sooms to havo a way ot p|ung|ng |nto a para||o| wor|d and koop|ng paco w|th what |s happon|ng to
mo. |o |s tho porson l'vo ta|kod to most (l'vo had somo oxtraord|nary oxpor|oncos w|th |||a|, but sho spoaks
|oss and |oss), and yot l st||| cou|dn't say that l roa||y know h|m. l'm not suro that |t ho|pod vory much my to|||ng
h|m that our |ovod onos do not d|sappoar but moro|y pass |nto a d|ttoront d|mons|on. |o st||| sooms to havo
h|s thoughts t|xod on h|s w|to, and tho on|y th|ng l can do now |s put h|m |n touch w|th an oxco||ont mod|um
who ||vos |n london. 1horo ho w||| t|nd a|| tho answors ho noods and a|| tho s|gns that w||| cont|rm what l to|d
h|m about tho otorn|ty ot t|mo.
l may havo mado a spontanoous doc|s|on to cross As|a by tra|n, but l'm suro that wo oach now havo our
own roasons tor bo|ng horo |n lrkutsk. 3uch th|ngs happon on|y whon a|| tho poop|o |nvo|vod havo mot
somowhoro |n tho past and aro travo||ng togothor toward troodom.
|||a| |s danc|ng w|th a young man hor own ago. 3ho has had a ||tt|o too much to dr|nk and |s |n an obu|||ont
mood. Voro than onco, sho has como ovor to to|| mo how much sho rogrots not br|ng|ng hor v|o||n. lt roa||y |s
a shamo. 1ho poop|o horo dosorvo to oxpor|onco tho charm and tho spo|| cast by that groat t|rst v|o||n|st
trom ono ot luss|a's most rospoctod consorvator|os.
1|E |A1 3llGEl lEAvE3 1|E 31AGE , tho band cont|nuos to p|ay, and tho aud|onco starts jump|ng up and down,
shout|ng, Ka|ashn|kov! Ka|ashn|kov!' lt Goran 3rogov|c's mus|c wasn't so wo|| known, anyono pass|ng by
outs|do wou|d bo conv|ncod that th|s was somo co|obrat|on party tor torror|sts.
|||a| and hor tr|ond aro ho|d|ng oach othor c|oso, ono stop away trom a k|ss. Vy travo||ng compan|ons aro
doubt|oss concornod that l'|| bo upsot by th|s. 3ut l th|nk |t's groat. lt on|y sho woo|o moot a s|ng|o man who
cou|d mako hor happy and not |ntorrupt hor br||||ant caroor, who cou|d ho|d hor |n h|s arms at sunsot and
a|ways ||ght tho sacrod t|ro whonovor sho noodod ho|p. 3ho dosorvos |t.
l can curo thoso marks on your body, you know,' Yao says, wh||o wo'ro watch|ng tho poop|o danc|ng.
1ho Ch|noso havo a romody tor |t.'
l know th|s |sn't poss|b|o.
Oh, |t's not that bad. lt comos and goos at ovor moro unprod|ctab|o |ntorva|s, but thoro's no curo tor
nummu|ar oczoma.'
ln Ch|noso cu|turo, wo say that |t occurs on|y |n so|d|ors who woro burnod |n batt|o dur|ng somo prov|ous
|ncarnat|on.'
l sm||o. Yao |ooks at mo and sm||os back. l don't know |t ho roa||zos what ho's say|ng. 1ho marks dato
trom that day |n tho dungoon. l romombor soo|ng tho samo |os|ons on tho hand ot tho |ronch wr|tor l had
boon |n anothor past ||to. lt's ca||od nummu|ar oczoma bocauso tho |os|ons aro tho samo shapo and s|zo as
a sma|| loman co|n, or oommo|os-or a burn mark |ott by a rod-hot coa|.
1ho mus|c stops. lt's t|mo wo wont to suppor. l go ovor to |||a| and |nv|to hor partnor to jo|n us. |o must bo
ono ot tho roadors choson as guosts tor tho n|ght. |||a| |ooks at mo |n surpr|so.
3ut you'vo a|roady |nv|tod othor poop|o.'
1horo's a|ways room tor ono moro,' l say.
lot a|ways. lot ovoryth|ng |n ||to |s a |ong tra|n w|th t|ckots ava||ab|o to a||.'
1ho young man doosn't qu|to undorstand th|s romark but c|oar|y sonsos that somoth|ng odd |s go|ng on.
|o oxp|a|ns that ho has prom|sod to havo suppor w|th h|s tam||y. l doc|do to havo a ||tt|o tun.
|avo you road Vayakovsky?' l ask.
lo. ||s work |s no |ongor compu|sory road|ng |n schoo|s. |o was a k|nd ot stato poot.'
|o's r|ght, but l |ovod Vayakovsky's work whon l was h|s ago and know a ||tt|o about h|s ||to.
Vy pub||shors approach, toartu| that l m|ght bo |nst|gat|ng a joa|ous braw|, but as so otton |n ||to, th|ngs aro
not what thoy soom.
|o to|| |n |ovo w|th tho w|to ot h|s pub||shor, a dancor,' l say toas|ng|y. 1hoy had a pass|onato |ovo atta|r
that was |nstrumonta| |n mak|ng h|s pootry |oss po||t|ca| and moro humano. Evon though ho a|ways changod
tho namos |n h|s pooms, tho pub||shor know portoct|y wo|| that Vayakovsky was wr|t|ng about h|s w|to but
cont|nuod pub||sh|ng h|s books anyway. 3ho |ovod hor husband ooo Vayakovsky. 1ho so|ut|on thoy tound
was tor tho throo ot thom to ||vo togothor, and vory happ||y, too.'
Wo||, l |ovo my husband ooo l |ovo you!' jokos my pub||shor's w|to. Why don't you movo to luss|a?'
1ho young man gots tho mossago.
ls sho your g|r|tr|ond?' ho asks.
l'vo boon |n |ovo w|th hor tor at |oast t|vo hundrod yoars, but tho answor |s no, sho's as troo as a b|rd.
3ho's a young woman w|th a br||||ant caroor ahoad ot hor, but sho hasn't yot mot anyono who w||| troat hor
w|th tho |ovo and rospoct sho dosorvos.'
What rubb|sh. 0o you roa||y th|nk l nood somoono to t|nd mo a husband?' says |||a|.
1ho young man oxp|a|ns aga|n that ho's oxpoctod at homo tor suppor, thon thanks us and |oavos. 1ho
othor |nv|tod roadors jo|n us, and wo sot ott to wa|k to tho rostaurant.
|org|vo mo tor say|ng th|s,' says Yao, as wo cross tho road, but you actod qu|to wrong|y just now toward
|||a|, tho young man, and yourso|t. W|th |||a|, bocauso you ta||od to show duo rospoct tor tho |ovo sho too|s
tor you. W|th h|m, bocauso ho |s ono ot your roadors and to|t ho was bo|ng usod. And w|th yourso|t, bocauso
you woro mot|vatod by pr|do and wantod to show h|m you woro moro |mportant. lt m|ght havo boon
torg|vab|o |t you had boon act|ng out ot joa|ousy, but you woron't. You woro s|mp|y show|ng your tr|onds and
mo that you d|dn't caro, wh|ch |sn't truo.'
l nod |n agroomont. 3p|r|tua| growth doosn't a|ways arr|vo hand |n hand w|th w|sdom.
And anothor th|ng,' Yao goos on. Vayakovsky wos compu|sory road|ng whon l was at schoo|, and
ovoryono knows that h|s monago a tro|s d|dn't ond happ||y at a||. Vayakovsky shot h|mso|t |n tho hoad whon
ho was on|y th|rty-s|x.'
WE AlE |lvE |OUl3 A|EA0 ot Voscow t|mo now. loop|o thoro aro just t|n|sh|ng |unch as wo aro start|ng our
suppor |n lrkutsk. 1ho c|ty has |ts charm, but tho atmosphoro among us |s tonsor than |t |s on tho tra|n.
lorhaps wo'vo bocomo usod to our ||tt|o wor|d around tho tab|o, travo||ng toward a dot|n|to goa|, oach stop
moans a d|vors|on trom our choson path.
|||a| |s |n a part|cu|ar|y tou| mood attor what happonod at tho party. Vy pub||shor |s argu|ng tur|ous|y w|th
somoono on h|s co|| phono, a|though Yao assuros mo that |t's s|mp|y a d|scuss|on about d|str|but|on
prob|oms. 1ho throo |nv|tod roadors soom ovon shyor than usua|.
Wo ordor somo dr|nks. Ono ot tho roadors warns us to bo carotu| bocauso wo'ro bo|ng sorvod a m|xturo
ot Vongo||an and 3|bor|an vodka and w||| pay tho pr|co tho noxt day |t wo ovor|ndu|go. |owovor, wo a|| nood
a dr|nk |n ordor to ro||ovo tho tons|on. Wo havo ono g|ass, thon anothor, and botoro tho tood has ovon
arr|vod, wo'vo a|roady ordorod a socond bott|o. ln tho ond, tho roador who warnod us about tho vodka
doc|dos that ho doosn't want to bo tho on|y sobor porson at tho tab|o and downs throo g|assos ono attor tho
othor wh||o wo app|aud. Evoryono choors up, apart trom |||a|, who roma|ns roso|uto|y g|um, dosp|to dr|nk|ng
as much as tho rost ot us.
1h|s c|ty's a droadtu| p|aco,' says tho roador who had absta|nod trom tho vodka unt|| two m|nutos ago
and whoso oyos aro a|roady b|oodshot. You saw tho stroot outs|do tho rostaurant.'
l had not|cod a row ot oxqu|s|to wood-bu||t housos, a rar|ty thoso days. lt had struck mo as bo|ng rathor
||ko an opon-a|r arch|toctura| musoum.
l'm not ta|k|ng about tho housos but about tho stroot.'
1ruo, tho pavomont wasn't tho bost l'd ovor soon and horo and thoro you d|d catch a wh|tt ot tho sowors.
You soo, tho mat|a contro| th|s part ot tho c|ty,' ho goos on. 1hoy want to buy up tho who|o aroa and bu||d
anothor ot tho|r h|doous hous|ng dovo|opmonts. 1ho ros|donts havo so tar rotusod to so|| tho|r |and and tho|r
housos, and so tho mat|a won't a||ow any |mprovomonts |n tho aroa. 1h|s c|ty has boon |n ox|stonco tor tour
hundrod yoars, |t roco|vod tradors trom Ch|na w|th opon arms and was rospoctod by doa|ors |n d|amonds,
go|d, and sk|ns, but now tho mat|a |s try|ng to movo |n and put a stop to a|| that, ovon though tho govornmont
|s t|ght|ng thom.'
Vat|a' |s a un|vorsa| word. Vy pub||shor |s st||| busy w|th h|s |ntorm|nab|o phono ca||, my od|tor |s
comp|a|n|ng about tho monu, and |||a| |s protond|ng sho's on anothor p|anot, wh||o Yao and l havo suddon|y
not|cod that a group ot mon at tho noxt tab|o havo bogun to tako a c|oso |ntorost |n our convorsat|on.
luro parano|a.
1ho roador cont|nuos to dr|nk and comp|a|n. ||s two tr|onds agroo w|th ovoryth|ng ho says. 1hoy moan
about tho govornmont, about tho cond|t|on ot tho roads, tho stato ot tho a|rport. 1hoso aro a|| th|ngs wo
wou|d say about our own c|t|os, oxcopt that horo, ovory comp|a|nt |nc|udos tho word mat|a.' l try to chango
tho subjoct and ask about tho |oca| shamans, wh|ch p|oasos Yao, who can soo that ovon though l havon't yot
sa|d yos or no, h|s roquost has not boon torgotton. 3ut tho young mon start ta|k|ng about tho shaman mat|a'
and tho tour|st gu|do mat|a.' A th|rd bott|o ot Vongo||an-3|bor|an vodka has arr|vod, and ovoryono |s now
oxc|tod|y d|scuss|ng po||t|cs-|n Eng||sh, so that l can undorstand, or so that tho poop|o at tho othor tab|os
can't. Vy pub||shor t|na||y t|n|shos h|s phono ca|| and jo|ns |n tho d|scuss|on, as doos my od|tor, w|th oqua|
gusto, wh||o |||a| downs ono g|ass ot vodka attor anothor. On|y Yao roma|ns comp|oto|y sobor, gaz|ng ott
|nto tho d|stanco and try|ng to d|sgu|so h|s unoaso. l stoppod attor my th|rd g|ass and havo no |ntont|on ot
dr|nk|ng moro.
And what soomod ||ko parano|a bocomos a roa||ty. Ono ot tho mon at tho othor tab|o gots up and comos
ovor to us.
|o doosn't say a word. |o moro|y |ooks at tho young mon wo |nv|tod to suppor, and tho convorsat|on
stops. Evoryono sooms surpr|sod to soo h|m thoro. Vy pub||shor, s||ght|y botudd|od by tho vodka and by tho
d|str|but|on prob|om |n Voscow, asks somoth|ng |n luss|an.
lo, l'm not h|s tathor,' answors tho strangor, but l don't know |t ho's o|d onough to dr|nk ||ko that and to
say th|ngs that aro comp|oto|y untruo.'
||s Eng||sh |s portoct, and ho spoaks w|th tho rathor attoctod accont ot somoono who has stud|od at ono
ot tho most oxpons|vo schoo|s |n Eng|and. ||s vo|co |s co|d and noutra|, w|thout a h|nt ot omot|on or
aggross|on.
On|y a too| makos throats, and on|y anothor too| too|s throatonod. Whon somoono usos that tono, though,
|t spo||s dangor, bocauso subjocts, vorbs, and prod|catos w|||, |t nocossary, bo transtormod |nto act|ons.
You choso tho wrong rostaurant,' ho says. 1ho tood horo |s torr|b|o, and tho sorv|co ovon worso.
lorhaps you'd bottor t|nd somowhoro o|so to oat. l'|| pay tho b|||.'
1ho tood roa||y |sn't vory good, tho dr|nks aro c|oar|y as bad as wo woro warnod thoy woro, and tho
sorv|co |s appa|||ng. |owovor, tho man |sn't concornod about our hoa|th and wo||-bo|ng: wo aro bo|ng
thrown out.
lot's go,' says tho young roador.
3otoro wo can do anyth|ng, ho and h|s tr|onds havo van|shod. 1ho man sooms p|oasod and turns to go
back to h|s own tab|o. |or a tract|on ot a socond, tho tons|on d|sso|vos.
Wo||, l'm roa||y onjoy|ng tho tood and havo no |ntont|on ot go|ng to anothor rostaurant.'
Yao spoko |n a vo|co oqua||y dovo|d ot omot|on or monaco. 1horo was no nood tor h|m to say anyth|ng,
tho cont||ct was ovor. Vy roadors had boon tho on|y onos caus|ng tho prob|om. Wo cou|d s|mp|y havo
t|n|shod our moa| |n poaco. 1ho man turns to taco h|m. Ono ot h|s co||oaguos p|cks up h|s co|| phono and
goos outs|do. 1ho rostaurant ta||s s||ont.
Yao and tho strangor staro at oach othor.
1ho tood horo can g|vo you tood po|son|ng and k||| you a|most |nstant|y,' tho strangor says.
Yao roma|ns soatod. Accord|ng to stat|st|cs, |n tho throo m|nutos that wo'vo boon ta|k|ng, throo hundrod
and twonty poop|o |n tho wor|d havo d|od and anothor s|x hundrod and t|tty havo boon born. 1hat's ||to. l
don't know how many d|od ot tood po|son|ng, but somo must havo. Othors d|od attor a |ong |||noss, somo
suttorod an acc|dont, and probab|y a corta|n porcontago got shot, wh||o somo poor woman d|od |n ch||db|rth
and bocamo part ot tho b|rth stat|st|cs. On|y tho ||v|ng d|o.'
1ho man who |ott tho rostaurant w|th h|s co|| phono has como back, and tho strangor stand|ng by our tab|o
cont|nuos to show no omot|on. |or what sooms ||ko an otorn|ty, no ono |n tho rostaurant spoaks. At |ast, tho
strangor says, Anothor m|nuto has passod. Anothor hundrod or so poop|o must havo d|od and anothor two
hundrod or so boon born.'
Exact|y.'
1wo moro mon appoar at tho door ot tho rostaurant and wa|k ovor to our tab|o. 1ho strangor soos thom
and |nd|catos w|th a jork ot h|s hoad that thoy shou|d |oavo aga|n.
1ho tood horo may bo torr|b|o and tho sorv|co appa|||ng, but |t th|s |s tho rostaurant ot your cho|co, l can
do noth|ng about |t. Boo oppotlt.'
1hank you. 3ut wo'|| g|ad|y tako you up on your ottor to pay tho b|||.'
Ot courso,' ho says, addross|ng Yao on|y, as |t no ono o|so woro thoro. |o puts h|s hand |n h|s pockot.
Wo a|| |mag|no that ho's about to pu|| out a gun, but |nstoad ho producos an ont|ro|y unthroaton|ng bus|noss
card.
Got |n touch |t you ovor nood a job or got t|rod ot what you'ro do|ng now. Our proporty company has a
|argo branch horo |n luss|a, and wo nood poop|o ||ko you, poop|o who undorstand that doath |s just a
stat|st|c.'
|o hands Yao h|s card, thoy shako hands, and ho roturns to h|s tab|o. Gradua||y, tho rostaurant comos
back to ||to, tho s||onco t|||s w|th ta|k, and wo gazo |n aston|shmont at Yao, our horo, tho man who dotoatod
tho onomy w|thout t|r|ng a s|ng|o shot. |||a| has choorod up, too, and |s now try|ng to koop up w|th a
r|d|cu|ous convorsat|on |n wh|ch ovoryono appoars to havo dovo|opod a suddon |ntonso |ntorost |n stuttod
b|rds and tho qua||ty ot Vongo||an-3|bor|an vodka. 1ho adrona||no surgo brought on by toar had an |nstant|y
sobor|ng ottoct on us a||.
l mustn't |ot th|s opportun|ty s||p. l'|| ask Yao |ator what mado h|m so suro ot h|mso|t. low l say, You know,
l'm vory |mprossod by tho ro||g|ous ta|th ot tho luss|an poop|o. Commun|sm spont sovonty yoars to|||ng
thom that ro||g|on was tho op|um ot tho poop|o, but to no ava||.'
Varx c|oar|y know noth|ng about tho marvo|s ot op|um,' says my od|tor, and ovoryono |aughs.
l go on: 1ho samo th|ng happonod w|th tho church l bo|ong to. Wo k|||od |n God's namo, wo torturod |n
1osus' namo, wo doc|dod that womon woro a throat to soc|oty and so supprossod a|| d|sp|ays ot toma|o
|ngonu|ty, wo pract|cod usury, murdorod tho |nnocont, and mado pacts w|th tho 0ov||. And yot, two thousand
yoars |ator, wo'ro st||| horo.'
l hato churchos,' says |||a|, tak|ng tho ba|t. Vy |oast onjoyab|o momont ot th|s who|o tr|p was whon you
torcod mo to go to that church |n lovos|b|rsk.'
lmag|no that you bo||ovo |n past ||vos and that |n ono ot your prov|ous ox|stoncos you had boon burnod at
tho stako by tho lnqu|s|t|on |n tho namo ot tho ta|th |t was try|ng to |mposo. Wou|d you hato tho Church ovon
moro thon?'
3ho baro|y hos|tatos botoro rospond|ng. lo. lt wou|d st||| bo a mattor ot |nd|ttoronco to mo. Yao d|dn't
hato tho man who camo ovor to our tab|o, ho s|mp|y proparod h|mso|t to do batt|o ovor a pr|nc|p|o.'
3ut what |t you woro |nnocont?' my pub||shor |ntorrupts. lorhaps ho has brought out a book on th|s
subjoct, too .
l'm rom|ndod ot G|ordano 3runo. |o was rospoctod by tho Church as a |oarnod man but was burnod
a||vo |n tho contor ot lomo |tso|t. 0ur|ng tho tr|a|, ho sa|d somoth|ng a|ong tho ||nos ot: l am not atra|d ot tho
t|ro, but you aro atra|d ot your vord|ct. A statuo ot h|m now stands |n tho p|aco whoro ho was murdorod by
h|s so-ca||od a|||os. |o tr|umphod bocauso ho was judgod by moro mon, not by 1osus.'
Aro you try|ng to just|ty an |njust|co and a cr|mo?'
lot at a||. 1ho murdorors van|shod trom tho map, but G|ordano 3runo cont|nuos to |nt|uonco tho wor|d
w|th h|s |doas. ||s courago was rowardod. Attor a||, a ||to w|thout a causo |s a ||to w|thout ottoct.'
lt |s as |t tho convorsat|on |s bo|ng gu|dod |n tho d|roct|on l want |t to go.
lt you woro G|ordano 3runo,' l say, |ook|ng d|roct|y at |||a| now, wou|d you bo ab|o to torg|vo your
oxocut|onors?'
What aro you gott|ng at?'
l bo|ong to a ro||g|on that porpotratod horrors |n tho past. 1hat's what l'm gott|ng at, bocauso, dosp|to
ovoryth|ng, l st||| havo tho |ovo ot 1osus, wh|ch |s tar strongor than tho hatrod ot thoso who doc|arod
thomso|vos to bo h|s succossors. And l st||| bo||ovo |n tho mystory ot tho transubstant|at|on ot broad and
w|no.'
1hat's your prob|om. l just want to koop wo|| away trom churchos, pr|osts, and sacramonts. Vus|c and tho
s||ont contomp|at|on ot naturo aro qu|to onough tor mo. 3ut doos what you'ro say|ng havo somoth|ng to do
w|th what you saw whon .' 3ho pausos to cons|dor hor words. Whon you sa|d you woro go|ng to do an
oxorc|so |nvo|v|ng a r|ng ot ||ght?'
3ho doosn't say that wo woro |n bod togothor. |or a|| hor strong charactor and hasty tomporamont, sho |s
try|ng to protoct mo.
l don't know. As l sa|d on tho tra|n, ovoryth|ng that happonod |n tho past or w||| happon |n tho tuturo |s a|so
happon|ng |n tho prosont. lorhaps wo mot bocauso l was your oxocut|onor, you woro my v|ct|m, and |t's
t|mo tor mo to ask your torg|vonoss.'
Evoryono |aughs, and l do, too.
Wo||, bo n|cor to mo, thon,' sho says. 3o a ||tt|o moro attont|vo. 3ay to mo now, |n tront ot ovoryono, tho
throo-word sontonco l |ong to hoar.'
l know that sho wants mo to say l |ovo you.'
l w||| say throo throo-word sontoncos,' l say. Ono, you aro protoctod. 1wo, do not worry. 1hroo, l adoro
you.'
Wo||, l havo somoth|ng to add to that. On|y somoono who can say 'l |ovo you' |s capab|o ot say|ng 'l
torg|vo you.' '
Evoryono app|auds. Wo roturn to tho Vongo||an-3|bor|an vodka and ta|k about |ovo, porsocut|on, cr|mos
comm|ttod |n tho namo ot truth, and tho tood |n tho rostaurant. 1ho convorsat|on w||| go no turthor ton|ght.
3ho doosn't undorstand what l'm ta|k|ng about, but tho t|rst, most d|tt|cu|t, stop has boon takon.
A3 WE lEAvE, l ask Yao why ho doc|dod to tako that ||no ot act|on, thus putt|ng ovoryono at r|sk.
3ut noth|ng happonod, d|d |t?'
lo, but |t cou|d havo. loop|o ||ko h|m aron't usod to bo|ng troatod w|th d|srospoct.'
l was a|ways gott|ng k|ckod out ot p|acos whon l was youngor, and l prom|sod myso|t that |t wou|d novor
happon aga|n onco l was an adu|t. 3os|dos, l d|dn't troat h|m w|th d|srospoct, l s|mp|y controntod h|m |n tho
way ho wantod to bo controntod. 1ho oyos don't ||o, and ho know l wasn't b|utt|ng.'
Evon so, you d|d cha||ongo h|m. Wo'ro |n a sma|| c|ty, and ho cou|d havo to|t that you woro quost|on|ng
h|s author|ty.'
Whon wo |ott lovos|b|rsk, you sa|d somoth|ng about that A|oph th|ng. A tow days ago, l roa||zod that tho
Ch|noso havo a word tor |t, too: 'q|.' 3oth ho and l woro stand|ng at tho samo onorgy po|nt. l don't want to
ph||osoph|zo about what m|ght havo happonod, but anyono accustomod to dangor knows that at any
momont ot h|s ||to ho cou|d bo controntod by an opponont. lot an onomy, an opponont. Whon an opponont
|s suro ot h|s powor, as ho was, you havo to contront thom or bo undorm|nod by your ta||uro to oxorc|so your
own powor. Know|ng how to approc|ato and honor our oppononts |s a tar cry trom what t|attorors, w|mps, or
tra|tors do.'
3ut you know ho was-'
lt doosn't mattor what ho was, what mattorod was how ho hand|od h|s onorgy. l ||kod h|s sty|o ot t|ght|ng,
and ho ||kod m|no. 1hat's a||.'
1ho CoIdon Roao
l |AvE A 1Elll3lE |EA0AC|E attor dr|nk|ng a|| that Vongo||an-3|bor|an vodka, and nono ot tho p|||s and pot|ons
l'vo takon soom to ho|p. lt's a br|ght, c|oud|oss day, but thoro's a b|t|ng w|nd. lt may bo spr|ng, but |co st|||
m|ng|os w|th tho pobb|os on tho shoro. 0osp|to tho var|ous |ayors ot c|oth|ng l'vo put on, tho co|d |s
unboarab|o.
3ut my ono thought |s: Vy Ooo, l`m bomo!
3otoro mo ||os a vast |ako, so b|g that l can baro|y soo tho tar shoro. Aga|nst a backdrop ot snowcappod
mounta|ns, a t|sh|ng boat |s sott|ng out across tho |ako's transparont wators and w||| prosumab|y roturn th|s
ovon|ng. A|| l want |s to bo horo, ont|ro|y prosont, bocauso l don't know |t l w||| ovor como back. l tako sovora|
doop broaths, try|ng to soak up tho boauty ot |t a||.
lt's ono ot tho |ovo||ost th|ngs l'vo ovor soon.'
Encouragod by th|s romark, Yao doc|dos to tood mo somo tacts. |o oxp|a|ns that lako 3a|ka|, ca||od tho
lorth 3oa |n anc|ont Ch|noso toxts, conta|ns rough|y twonty porcont ot tho wor|d's surtaco trosh wator and |s
moro than twonty-t|vo m||||on yoars o|d. Untortunato|y, nono ot th|s |ntorosts mo.
0on't d|stract mo, l want to absorb th|s who|o |andscapo |nto my sou|.'
lt's vory b|g. Why don't you just p|ungo stra|ght |n and morgo your sou| w|th tho sou| ot tho |ako?'
ln othor words, r|sk suttor|ng thorma| shock and dy|ng ot hypothorm|a |n 3|bor|a. |o has t|na||y managod
to got my attont|on. Vy hoad |s hoavy, tho w|nd unboarab|o, and wo doc|do to go stra|ght to tho p|aco whoro
wo aro to spond tho n|ght.
1hank you tor com|ng. You won't rogrot |t.'
Wo go to an |nn |n a ||tt|o v|||ago w|th d|rt roads and housos ||ko tho onos l saw |n lrkutsk. 1horo |s a wo||
noar tho door, and a ||tt|o g|r| |s stand|ng by |t, try|ng to draw up a buckot ot wator. |||a| goos to ho|p hor, but
|nstoad ot pu|||ng on tho ropo, sho pos|t|ons tho ch||d por||ous|y noar tho odgo.
Accord|ng to tho l Cblog,' l to|| hor, you can movo a town, but you cannot movo a wo||. l say that you can
movo tho buckot but not tho ch||d. 3o carotu|.'
1ho ch||d's mothor comos ovor and boratos |||a|. l |oavo thom to |t and go to my room. Yao had boon
vohomont|y opposod to |||a| com|ng w|th us. Womon aro not a||owod |n tho p|aco whoro wo aro go|ng to
moot tho shaman. l to|d h|m that l wasn't part|cu|ar|y |ntorostod |n mak|ng tho v|s|t. l know tho 1rad|t|on, wh|ch
|s to bo tound ovorywhoro, and l'vo mot var|ous shamans |n my own country. l agrood to go on|y bocauso
Yao has ho|pod mo and taught mo many th|ngs dur|ng tho journoy.
l nood to spond ovory socond l can w|th |||a|,' l had sa|d wh||o wo woro st||| |n lrkutsk. l know what l'm
do|ng. l am on tho path back to my k|ngdom. lt sho doosn't ho|p mo now, l w||| havo on|y throo moro chancos
|n th|s ||to.'
|o d|dn't undorstand oxact|y what l moant, but ho gavo |n.
l put my backpack down |n ono cornor ot my room, turn tho hoat up to max|mum, c|oso tho curta|ns, and
ta|| onto tho bod, hop|ng my hoadacho w||| go away. At th|s po|nt, |||a| comos |n.
You |ott mo out thoro, ta|k|ng to that woman. You know l hato strangors.'
Wo'ro tho strangors horo.'
l hato bo|ng judgod a|| tho t|mo and hav|ng to h|do my toar, my omot|ons, my vu|norab|||t|os. You th|nk l'm
a bravo, ta|ontod young woman who |s novor |nt|m|datod by anyth|ng. Wo||, you'ro wrong. Evoryth|ng
|nt|m|datos mo. l avo|d g|ancos, sm||os, c|oso contact. You'ro tho on|y porson l'vo roa||y ta|kod to. Or havon't
you not|cod?'
lako 3a|ka|, snowcappod mounta|ns, ||mp|d wator, ono ot tho most boaut|tu| p|acos on tho p|anot, and
th|s stup|d convorsat|on.
lot's rost tor a wh||o, thon wo can go out tor a wa|k. l'm moot|ng tho shaman ton|ght.' 3ho makos as |t to
put down hor backpack, but l say, You havo your own room.'
3ut on tho tra|n .'
3ho doosn't comp|oto hor sontonco and |oavos, s|amm|ng tho door. l ||o thoro, star|ng up at tho co|||ng,
wondor|ng what to do. l can't |ot myso|t bo gu|dod by my too||ngs ot gu||t. l can't and l won't, bocauso l |ovo
anothor woman who |s tar away just now and who trusts hor husband ovon though sho knows h|m wo||. A||
my prov|ous attompts at oxp|anat|on havo ta||od, porhaps horo wou|d bo tho |doa| p|aco to sot th|ngs
stra|ght onco and tor a|| w|th th|s obsoss|vo, adaptab|o, strong but trag||o young woman.
l am not to b|amo tor what |s happon|ng. lo|thor |s |||a|. l|to has p|acod us |n th|s s|tuat|on, and l just
hopo |t |s tor tho good ot both ot us. |opo? l'm suro |t |s. l start pray|ng and |mmod|ato|y ta|| as|oop.
W|El l WAKE Ul l go to hor room, and trom outs|do l can hoar hor p|ay|ng tho v|o||n. l wa|t unt|| sho has
t|n|shod, thon knock on tho door.
lot's go tor a wa|k.'
3ho |ooks at mo, surpr|sod and happy. Aro you too||ng bottor? Can you stand tho w|nd and tho co|d?'
Yos, l'm much bottor. lot's go.'
Wo wa|k through tho v|||ago, wh|ch |s ||ko somoth|ng out ot a ta|ry ta|o. Ono day, tour|sts w||| como horo,
vast hoto|s w||| bo bu||t, and shops w||| so|| 1-sh|rts, ||ghtors, postcards, modo|s ot tho woodon housos. 1hoy
w||| mako hugo park|ng |ots tor tho doub|o-dockor coachos that w||| br|ng poop|o armod w|th d|g|ta|
camoras, dotorm|nod to capturo tho who|o |ako on a m|croch|p. 1ho wo|| wo saw w||| bo dostroyod and
rop|acod by anothor, moro docorat|vo ono, howovor, |t won't supp|y tho |nhab|tants w|th wator but w||| bo
soa|od by ordor ot tho counc|| so that no toro|gn ch||dron r|sk |oan|ng ovor tho odgo and ta|||ng |n. 1ho t|sh|ng
boat l saw th|s morn|ng w||| van|sh. 1ho wators ot tho |ako w||| bo cr|sscrossod by modorn yachts ottor|ng
day cru|sos to tho contor ot tho |ako, |unch |nc|udod. lrotoss|ona| t|shormon and huntors w||| arr|vo, armod
w|th tho nocossary ||consos tor wh|ch thoy w||| pay, por day, tho oqu|va|ont ot what tho |oca| t|shormon and
huntors oarn |n a yoar.
At tho momont, though, |t's just a romoto v|||ago |n 3|bor|a, whoro a man and a woman |oss than ha|t h|s
ago aro wa|k|ng a|ongs|do a r|vor croatod by tho thaw. 1hoy s|t down bos|do |t.
0o you romombor our convorsat|on |ast n|ght |n tho rostaurant?'
Voro or |oss. l had rathor a |ot to dr|nk, but l romombor Yao stand|ng up to that Eng||shman.'
l ta|kod about tho past.'
Yos, l romombor. l undorstood portoct|y what you sa|d, bocauso dur|ng that momont whon wo woro |n tho
A|oph, l saw that your oyos woro tu|| ot a m|xturo ot |ovo and |nd|ttoronco, and your hoad was covorod by a
hood. l to|t botrayod and hum|||atod. 3ut l'm not |ntorostod |n what our ro|at|onsh|p was |n a past ||to. Wo'ro
horo |n tho prosont.'
You soo th|s r|vor? Wo||, |n tho ||v|ng room |n my apartmont at homo |s a pa|nt|ng ot a roso |mmorsod |n
just such a r|vor. |a|t ot tho pa|nt|ng was oxposod to tho ottocts ot tho wator and tho o|omonts, so tho odgos
aro a b|t rough, and yot l can st||| soo part ot that boaut|tu| rod roso aga|nst a go|d background. l know tho
art|st. ln 2008, wo wont to a torost |n tho lyronoos, tound a dr|od-up stroam, and h|d tho pa|nt|ng undor tho
stonos on tho stroambod.
1ho art|st |s my w|to. At th|s momont, sho's thousands ot k||omotors away and w||| st||| bo s|oop|ng
bocauso day has not yot dawnod |n hor c|ty, ovon though horo |t's tour o'c|ock |n tho attornoon. Wo'vo boon
togothor tor moro than a quartor ot a contury. Whon l mot hor, l was conv|ncod that our ro|at|onsh|p wou|dn't
work out, and tor tho t|rst two yoars, l was suro that ono ot us wou|d |oavo. ln tho t|vo yoars that to||owod, l
cont|nuod to th|nk that wo had s|mp|y got usod to ono anothor and that as soon as wo roa||zod th|s, wo
wou|d oach go our soparato ways. l thought that a moro sor|ous comm|tmont wou|d dopr|vo mo ot my
'||borty' and koop mo trom oxpor|onc|ng ovoryth|ng l wantod to oxpor|onco.'
l soo that |||a| |s start|ng to too| uncomtortab|o.
And what has that got to do w|th tho r|vor and tho roso?'
3y tho summor ot 2002, l was a|roady a wo||-known wr|tor w|th p|onty ot monoy, and l bo||ovod that my
bas|c va|uos hadn't changod. 3ut how cou|d l bo suro? l doc|dod to tost th|ngs out. Wo rontod a sma|| room
|n a two-star hoto| |n |ranco, |ntond|ng to spond t|vo months ot tho yoar thoro. 1horo was just ono sma||
wardrobo |n tho room, and so wo had to koop c|othos to a m|n|mum. Wo wont tor |ong wa|ks |n tho torosts
and tho mounta|ns, ato out, spont hours ta|k|ng, and wont to tho c|noma ovory day. l|v|ng ||ko that cont|rmod
to us that tho most soph|st|catod th|ngs |n tho wor|d aro proc|so|y thoso w|th|n tho roach ot ovoryono.
Wo both |ovo what wo do, but whoroas a|| l nood |s a |aptop, my w|to |s a pa|ntor, and pa|ntors nood vast
stud|os |n wh|ch to produco and storo tho|r pa|nt|ngs. l d|dn't want hor to g|vo up hor vocat|on tor my sako,
and so l suggostod ront|ng a stud|o. Voanwh||o, though, sho had |ookod around hor at tho mounta|ns,
va||oys, r|vors, |akos, and torosts, and thought, by ooo`t l storo my polotlogs boro by ooo`t l |ot ootoro
work wltb mo'
|||a|'s oyos aro t|xod on tho r|vor.
1hat was whoro sho got tho |doa ot 'stor|ng' p|cturos |n tho opon a|r. l wou|d tako my |aptop and do my
wr|t|ng, wh||o sho kno|t on tho grass and pa|ntod. A yoar |ator, whon wo wont back tor tho t|rst canvasos, tho
rosu|ts woro qu|to oxtraord|nary and tota||y or|g|na|. 1ho t|rst pa|nt|ng wo 'unoarthod' was tho ono ot tho roso.
lowadays, ovon though wo havo a houso |n tho lyronoos, sho cont|nuos to |ntor and d|s|ntor hor pa|nt|ngs
whorovor sho happons to bo. 3omoth|ng that was born out ot nocoss|ty has bocomo hor ma|n croat|vo
mothod. Whon l |ook at th|s r|vor, l romombor that roso and too| an a|most pa|pab|o, phys|ca| |ovo tor hor, as
|t sho woro horo.'
1ho w|nd |sn't b|ow|ng qu|to as hard now, and tho sun warms us a ||tt|o. 1ho ||ght surround|ng us cou|d not
bo moro portoct.
l undorstand and rospoct what you'ro say|ng,' sho says. 3ut |n tho rostaurant, whon you woro ta|k|ng
about tho past, you sa|d somoth|ng about |ovo bo|ng strongor than tho |nd|v|dua|.'
Yos, but |ovo |s mado up ot cho|cos.'
ln lovos|b|rsk, you mado mo torg|vo you, and l d|d. low l'm ask|ng you tor a tavor: to|| mo that you |ovo
mo.'
l tako hor hand. Wo aro both gaz|ng at tho r|vor.
3||onco |s a|so an answor,' sho says.
l put my arms around hor, so that hor hoad |s rost|ng on my shou|dor.
l |ovo you,' l to|| hor. l |ovo you bocauso a|| tho |ovos |n tho wor|d aro ||ko d|ttoront r|vors t|ow|ng |nto tho
samo |ako, whoro thoy moot and aro transtormod |nto a s|ng|o |ovo that bocomos ra|n and b|ossos tho
oarth.
l |ovo you ||ko a r|vor that croatos tho r|ght cond|t|ons tor troos and bushos and t|owors to t|our|sh a|ong |ts
banks. l |ovo you ||ko a r|vor that g|vos wator to tho th|rsty and takos poop|o whoro thoy want to go.
l |ovo you ||ko a r|vor that undorstands that |t must |oarn to t|ow d|ttoront|y ovor watorta||s and to rost |n tho
sha||ows. l |ovo you bocauso wo aro a|| born |n tho samo p|aco, at tho samo sourco, wh|ch koops us
prov|dod w|th a constant supp|y ot wator. And so, whon wo too| woak, a|| wo havo to do |s wa|t a ||tt|o. 1ho
spr|ng roturns, and tho w|ntor snows mo|t and t||| us w|th now onorgy.
l |ovo you ||ko a r|vor that bog|ns as a so||tary tr|ck|o |n tho mounta|ns and gradua||y grows and jo|ns othor
r|vors unt||, attor a corta|n po|nt, |t can t|ow around any obstac|o |n ordor to got whoro |t wants.
l roco|vo your |ovo, and l g|vo you m|no. lot tho |ovo ot a man tor a woman, not tho |ovo ot a tathor tor a
ch||d, not tho |ovo ot God tor h|s croaturos, but a |ovo w|th no namo and no oxp|anat|on, ||ko a r|vor that
cannot oxp|a|n why |t to||ows a part|cu|ar courso but s|mp|y t|ows onward. A |ovo that asks tor noth|ng and
g|vos noth|ng |n roturn, |t |s s|mp|y thoro. l w||| novor bo yours, and you w||| novor bo m|no, novortho|oss, l can
honost|y say: l |ovo you, l |ovo you, l |ovo you.'
Vaybo |t's tho attornoon, maybo |t's tho ||ght, but at that momont, tho Un|vorso sooms t|na||y to bo |n
portoct harmony. Wo stay whoro wo aro, too||ng not tho s||ghtost dos|ro to go back to tho hoto|, whoro Yao
w||| doubt|oss bo wa|t|ng tor mo.
1ho EagIo ot BaikaI
AlY VOVEl1 lOW, |t w||| bo dark. 1horo aro s|x ot us stand|ng noar a sma|| boat moorod at tho |akoshoro:
|||a|, Yao, tho shaman, l, and two o|dor womon. 1hoy aro a|| spoak|ng |n luss|an. 1ho shaman |s shak|ng
h|s hoad. Yao appoars to bo argu|ng w|th h|m, but tho shaman turns away and wa|ks ovor to tho boat.
low Yao and |||a| aro argu|ng. |o sooms concornod, but l th|nk ho's rathor onjoy|ng tho s|tuat|on. Wo
havo boon pract|c|ng tho lath ot loaco togothor, and l can |ntorprot h|s body |anguago now. |o |s
protond|ng an |rr|tat|on that ho doosn't actua||y too|.
What aro you ta|k|ng about?' l ask.
Apparont|y, l can't go w|th you,' |||a| says. l havo to stay w|th thoso two womon whom l'vo novor soon |n
my ||to and spond tho who|o n|ght horo |n tho co|d, bocauso thoro's no ono to tako mo back to tho hoto|.'
You w||| oxpor|onco w|th thom whatovor wo oxpor|onco on tho |s|and,' Yao oxp|a|ns. 3ut wo cannot
broak w|th trad|t|on. l warnod you botoro, but ho |ns|stod on br|ng|ng you. Wo havo to |oavo now, bocauso
wo cannot m|ss tho momont, or what you ca|| tho A|oph, what l ca|| q|, and tor wh|ch tho shamans doubt|oss
havo tho|r own word. lt won't tako |ong. Wo'|| bo back |n a coup|o ot hours.'
Como on,' l say, tak|ng Yao by tho arm but t|rst turn|ng to |||a| w|th a sm||o.
You wou|dn't havo wantod to stay at tho hoto|, know|ng that you m|ght m|ss out on somo now oxpor|onco.
l don't know whothor |t w||| bo good or bad, but |t's bottor than hav|ng suppor a|ono.'
And you, l supposo, th|nk that t|no words ot |ovo aro onough to tood a hoart? l know you |ovo your w|to,
and l undorstand that, but cou|dn't you at |oast g|vo mo somo roward tor a|| tho Un|vorsos l'm p|ac|ng at your
door?'
l turn away. Anothor |d|ot|c convorsat|on.
1|E 3|AVAl 31Al13 1|E ElGllE and takos tho ruddor. Wo aro hoad|ng tor what |ooks ||ko a rock about two
hundrod motors trom tho shoro. l rockon |t w||| tako us on|y a tow m|nutos to got thoro.
low that thoro's no turn|ng back, why woro you so |ns|stont that l shou|d moot th|s shaman? lt's tho on|y
tavor you'vo askod ot mo on tho ont|ro tr|p, ovon though you'vo g|von mo so much. l don't just moan tho
a|k|do pract|co. You'vo ho|pod koop harmony on tho tra|n, you'vo trans|atod my words as |t thoy woro yours,
and yostorday you domonstratod tho |mportanco ot go|ng |nto batt|o s|mp|y out ot rospoct tor your
opponont.'
Yao shakos h|s hoad and |ooks rathor uncomtortab|o, as |t ho |s ont|ro|y rospons|b|o tor tho satoty ot tho
||tt|o boat.
l just thought, g|von your |ntorosts, that you'd ||ko to moot h|m.'
1h|s |s not a good rop|y. lt l had wantod to moot tho shaman, l wou|d havo askod. ||na||y, ho |ooks at mo
and nods.
l askod you bocauso l mado a prom|so to como back on my noxt tr|p horo. l cou|d havo como on my own,
but l s|gnod a contract w|th your pub||shors guarantoo|ng that l wou|d a|ways bo by your s|do. 1hoy wou|dn't
||ko |t |t l |ott you a|ono.'
l don't a|ways nood poop|o around mo, and my pub||shors wou|dn't havo boon bothorod |t you had |ott mo
|n lrkutsk.'
l|ght |s ta|||ng tastor than l'd oxpoctod. Yao changos tho subjoct.
1ho man stoor|ng tho boat has tho ab|||ty to spoak to my w|to. l know ho's not |y|ng, bocauso thoro aro
corta|n th|ngs no ono o|so cou|d poss|b|y know. Voro than that, ho savod my daughtor. |o d|d what no
doctor |n tho t|nost hosp|ta|s ot Voscow, 3o|j|ng, 3hangha|, or london cou|d do. And ho askod tor noth|ng |n
roturn, on|y that l como to soo h|m aga|n. lt's just that th|s t|mo l'm w|th you. Vaybo l'|| t|na||y |oarn to
undorstand tho th|ngs that my bra|n rotusos to accopt.'
Wo aro gott|ng c|osor to tho rock now. Wo shou|d bo thoro |n |oss than a m|nuto.
1hat |s a good answor. 1hank you tor trust|ng mo. l am |n ono ot tho most boaut|tu| p|acos |n tho wor|d on
an oxqu|s|to ovon|ng, ||ston|ng to tho wavos |app|ng aga|nst tho boat. Go|ng to moot th|s man |s just ono ot
tho many b|oss|ngs l havo roco|vod on th|s tr|p.'
Excopt tor tho day whon ho spoko to mo ot h|s gr|ot at |os|ng h|s w|to, Yao has novor shown any omot|on.
low ho takos my hand and prossos |t to h|s chost. 1ho boat runs ashoro on a narrow str|p ot pobb|os, wh|ch
sorvos as an anchor.
1hank you. 1hank you vory much.'
WE CllV3 Ul 1O 1|E 1Ol ot tho rock |n t|mo to catch a |ast g||mpso ot rod sky on tho hor|zon. 1horo |s noth|ng
but scrub around us, and to tho oast stand throo or tour baro troos that havo not yot put out tho|r |oavos. On
ono ot thom aro tho roma|ns ot ottor|ngs and tho carcass ot an an|ma| hang|ng trom a branch. l too| groat
rospoct tor tho o|d shaman's w|sdom, but ho won't show mo anyth|ng now, bocauso l havo a|roady wa|kod
many paths and know that thoy a|| |oad to tho samo p|aco. lovortho|oss, l can soo that ho |s sor|ous |n h|s
|ntont|ons, and wh||o ho proparos tho r|tua|, l try to romombor a|| l havo |oarnod about tho ro|o ot tho shaman
|n tho h|story ot c|v|||zat|on.
ll AlClEl1 1lVE3, thoro woro a|ways two dom|nant t|guros |n a tr|bo. 1ho t|rst was tho |oador. |o wou|d bo tho
bravost mombor ot tho tr|bo, strong onough to dotoat any cha||ongors and |nto|||gont onough to to|| any
consp|rac|os-powor strugg|os aro noth|ng now, thoy havo boon w|th us s|nco tho dawn ot t|mo. Onco ho
was ostab||shod |n h|s pos|t|on, ho bocamo rospons|b|o tor tho protoct|on and wo||-bo|ng ot h|s poop|o |n
tho phys|ca| wor|d. W|th t|mo, what had boon a mattor ot natura| so|oct|on bocamo subjoct to corrupt|on, and
|oadorsh|p bogan to bo passod down trom tathor to son, g|v|ng way to tho pr|nc|p|o ot porpotuat|on ot powor
trom wh|ch omporors, k|ngs, and d|ctators spr|ng.
Voro |mportant than tho |oador, howovor, was tho shaman. Evon at tho vory dawn ot human|ty, mon woro
a|roady awaro ot somo groator powor capab|o ot both g|v|ng ||to and tak|ng |t away, a|though whoro oxact|y
that powor camo trom thoy d|dn't know. A|ong w|th tho b|rth ot |ovo camo a nood to t|nd an answor to tho
mystory ot ox|stonco. 1ho t|rst shamans woro womon, tho sourco ot ||to. 3|nco thoy d|d not havo to go
hunt|ng or t|sh|ng, thoy cou|d dovoto thomso|vos to contomp|at|on and |mmorso thomso|vos |n tho sacrod
mystor|os. 1ho 1rad|t|on was a|ways passod on to thoso who woro most ab|o, who ||vod a|ono |n |so|at|on,
and who woro usua||y v|rg|ns. 1hoy workod on a d|ttoront p|ano, ba|anc|ng tho torcos ot tho sp|r|tua| wor|d
w|th thoso ot tho phys|ca| wor|d.
1ho procoss was noar|y a|ways tho samo: tho shaman usod mus|c (usua||y porcuss|on) to go |nto a
tranco, and thon wou|d dr|nk and adm|n|stor pot|ons mado trom natura| substancos. |or sou| wou|d |oavo
hor body and ontor tho para||o| un|vorso. 1horo |t wou|d moot w|th tho sp|r|ts ot p|ants, an|ma|s, tho doad,
and tho ||v|ng, a|| ox|st|ng |n a s|ng|o t|mo that Yao ca||s q| and l ca|| tho A|oph. 1horo, too, sho wou|d
oncountor hor gu|dos and bo ab|o to ba|anco onorg|os, curo |||nossos, br|ng ra|n, rostoro poaco, doc|phor
tho symbo|s and s|gns sont by naturo, and pun|sh any |nd|v|dua| who was gott|ng |n tho way ot tho tr|bo's
contact w|th tho A||. At that t|mo, whon tr|bos had to koop travo||ng |n tho|r constant soarch tor tood, |t was
|mposs|b|o to bu||d tomp|os or a|tars. 1horo was on|y tho A||, |n whoso womb tho tr|bo journoyod ovor
onward.
l|ko tho ro|o ot |oador, that ot shaman a|so bocamo corruptod. 3|nco tho hoa|th and protoct|on ot tho
group dopondod on bo|ng |n harmony w|th tho torost, tho countrys|do, and naturo, tho womon rospons|b|o
tor that sp|r|tua| contact-tho sou| ot tho tr|bo-woro |nvostod w|th groat author|ty, otton moro ovon than tho
|oador. At somo undot|nod momont |n h|story (probab|y attor tho d|scovory ot agr|cu|turo, wh|ch brought an
ond to nomad|sm), tho toma|o g|tt was usurpod by mon. |orco won out ovor harmony. 1ho natura| qua||t|os
ot thoso womon woro |gnorod, what mattorod was tho|r powor.
1ho noxt stop was to organ|zo shaman|sm-now ont|ro|y ma|o-|nto a soc|a| structuro. 1ho t|rst ro||g|ons
camo |nto bo|ng. 3oc|oty had changod and was no |ongor nomad|c, but rospoct tor and toar ot tho |oador
and tho shaman woro rootod |n tho human sou| and wou|d roma|n so torovor. Awaro ot th|s, tho pr|osts
jo|nod ranks w|th tho tr|ba| |oadors |n ordor to koop tho poop|o |n subm|ss|on. Anyono who dot|od tho
govornors wou|d bo throatonod w|th pun|shmont by tho gods. 1hon camo a t|mo whon womon startod
domand|ng tho roturn ot tho|r ro|o as shamans, bocauso w|thout thom tho wor|d was hoad|ng tor cont||ct.
Whonovor thoy put thomso|vos torward, howovor, thoy woro troatod as horot|cs and prost|tutos. lt tho systom
to|t throatonod by thom, |t d|d not hos|tato to pun|sh thom w|th burn|ngs, ston|ngs, and, |n m||dor |nstancos,
ox||o. |oma|o ro||g|ons woro orasod trom tho h|story ot c|v|||zat|on, wo know on|y that tho most anc|ont
mag|ca| objocts so tar uncovorod by archaoo|og|sts aro |magos ot goddossos. 1hoy, howovor, woro |ost |n
tho sands ot t|mo, just as mag|ca| powors, whon usod on|y tor oarth|y onds, bocamo d||utod and |ost tho|r
potoncy. A|| that roma|nod was tho toar ot d|v|no pun|shmont.
3E|OlE VE lOW 31Al03 AVAl, not a woman, a|though tho womon who stayod boh|nd on tho |akoshoro w|th
|||a| doubt|oss havo tho samo powors. l don't quost|on h|s prosonco horo, tor both soxos possoss tho g|tt
that w||| a||ow thom to ontor |nto contact w|th tho unknown, as |ong as thoy aro opon to tho|r tom|n|no s|do.'
What ||os boh|nd my |ack ot onthus|asm tor th|s moot|ng |s know|ng just how tar human|ty has dr|ttod trom |ts
or|g|ns and contact w|th tho 0roam ot God.
1ho shaman |s ||ght|ng a t|ro |n a ho||ow ho dug to protoct tho t|amos trom tho w|nd that cont|nuos to b|ow.
|o p|acos a k|nd ot drum noxt to tho t|ro and opons a bott|o conta|n|ng somo untam|||ar ||qu|d. 1ho shaman
|n 3|bor|a-whoro tho torm or|g|natod-|s to||ow|ng tho samo r|tua|s as pojo |n tho Amazon|an jung|o, as
bocblcoros |n Vox|co, as Coooomb|o pr|osts trom Atr|ca, sp|r|tua||sts |n |ranco, corooooros |n |nd|gonous
Amor|can tr|bos, abor|g|nos |n Austra||a, char|smat|cs |n tho Catho||c Church, Vormons |n Utah, ot cotora.
1hat |s what |s so surpr|s|ng about thoso trad|t|ons, wh|ch soom to ||vo |n otorna| cont||ct w|th ono anothor.
1hoy moot on tho samo sp|r|tua| p|ano and aro to bo tound a|| ovor tho wor|d, ovon though thoy havo noth|ng
to do w|th ono anothor on tho phys|ca| p|ano. 1hat |s tho Groat Vothor say|ng, 3omot|mos my ch||dron havo
oyos but cannot soo, oars but cannot hoar. l w||| thorotoro domand that somo shou|d not bo doat and b||nd to
mo. 1hoy may havo to pay a h|gh pr|co, but thoy w||| bo rospons|b|o tor koop|ng tho 1rad|t|on a||vo, and ono
day my b|oss|ngs w||| roturn to tho Earth.'
1ho shaman bog|ns to boat on tho drum, gradua||y gott|ng tastor and tastor. |o says somoth|ng to Yao,
who |mmod|ato|y trans|atos: |o d|dn't uso tho word 'q|,' but ho says tho q| w||| como on tho w|nd.'
1ho w|nd |s gott|ng strongor. Evon though l am wo|| wrappod up-spoc|a| anorak, th|ck woo|on g|ovos,
and a scart up to my oyos-|t's not onough. Vy noso appoars to havo |ost a|| too||ng, sma|| |co crysta|s
gathor on my oyobrows and board. Yao |s knoo||ng, h|s |ogs to|dod noat|y bonoath h|m. l try to do tho samo
but havo to koop chang|ng pos|t|on bocauso l'm woar|ng ord|nary trousors and tho ch||| w|nd ponotratos
thom, numb|ng my musc|os and caus|ng pa|ntu| cramps.
1ho t|amos danco w||d|y about but do not go out. 1ho drumm|ng grows moro tur|ous. 1ho shaman |s try|ng
to mako h|s hoart koop t|mo w|th tho boat|ng ot h|s hand on tho |oathor sk|n, tho bottom part ot tho drum
bo|ng |ott opon to |ot |n tho sp|r|ts. ln tho Atro-3raz|||an trad|t|on, th|s |s tho momont whon tho mod|um or
pr|ost |ots h|s sou| |oavo h|s body, a||ow|ng anothor, moro oxpor|oncod bo|ng to occupy |t. 1ho on|y
d|ttoronco |s that |n my country thoro |s no proc|so momont tor what Yao ca||s q| to man|tost |tso|t.
l coaso bo|ng a moro obsorvor and doc|do to jo|n |n tho tranco. l try to mako my hoart koop t|mo w|th tho
boats. l c|oso my oyos and ompty my m|nd, but tho co|d and tho w|nd won't a||ow mo to go turthor than that. l
nood to chango pos|t|on aga|n, l opon my oyos and not|co that tho shaman |s ho|d|ng a tow toathors |n ono
hand-poss|b|y trom somo raro |oca| b|rd. Accord|ng to trad|t|ons throughout tho wor|d, b|rds aro tho
mossongors ot tho gods. 1hoy ho|p tho shaman r|so up and spoak w|th tho sp|r|ts.
Yao has h|s oyos opon, too, on|y tho shaman w||| ontor that ocstat|c stato. 1ho w|nd |ncroasos |n |ntons|ty.
l am too||ng co|dor and co|dor, but tho shaman appoars to bo uttor|y |mporv|ous. 1ho r|tua| cont|nuos. |o
opons tho bott|o conta|n|ng tho groon|sh ||qu|d, takos a dr|nk, and hands tho bott|o to Yao, who a|so dr|nks
botoro hand|ng |t to mo. Out ot rospoct, l to||ow su|t and tako a mouthtu| ot tho sugary, s||ght|y a|coho||c
m|xturo, thon roturn tho bott|o to tho shaman.
1ho drumm|ng cont|nuos, |ntorruptod on|y whon tho shaman pausos to traco a shapo on tho ground,
symbo|s l havo novor soon botoro and wh|ch rosomb|o somo |ong-s|nco-van|shod torm ot wr|t|ng. 3trango
no|sos omorgo trom h|s throat, ||ko tho groat|y amp||t|od cr|os ot b|rds. 1ho drumm|ng |s gott|ng |oudor and
tastor a|| tho t|mo, tho co|d doosn't soom to bothor mo much now, and suddon|y, tho w|nd stops.
l nood no oxp|anat|ons. What Yao ca||s q| |s horo. 1ho throo ot us |ook at ono anothor, and a k|nd ot ca|m
dosconds. 1ho porson botoro mo |s not tho samo man who stoorod tho boat or who askod |||a| to stay
boh|nd on tho shoro, h|s toaturos havo changod, and ho |ooks youngor, moro tom|n|no.
|o and Yao ta|k |n luss|an tor a wh||o-how |ong, l can't say. 1ho hor|zon br|ghtons. 1ho moon |s r|s|ng. l
accompany |t on |ts now journoy across tho sky, |ts s||vory rays rot|octod |n tho wators ot tho |ako, wh|ch,
trom ono momont to tho noxt, havo grown uttor|y st|||. 1o my |ott, tho ||ghts ot tho v|||ago como on. l too|
comp|oto|y sorono, try|ng to tako |n as much ot th|s momont as l can, bocauso l had not oxpoctod th|s, |t was
s|mp|y |y|ng |n my path, a|ong w|th many othor momonts. lt on|y tho unoxpoctod a|ways woro th|s protty,
poacotu| taco.
||na||y, through Yao, tho shaman asks mo why l am horo.
1o bo w|th my tr|ond, who had mado a prom|so to roturn horo. 1o honor your art. And to sharo w|th you |n
tho contomp|at|on ot tho mystory.'
1ho man bos|do you doos not bo||ovo |n anyth|ng,' says tho shaman through Yao. |o has como horo
sovora| t|mos |n ordor to spoak to h|s w|to, and yot ho st||| doos not bo||ovo. loor woman! lnstoad ot wa|k|ng
w|th God wh||o sho awa|ts hor t|mo to roturn to Earth, sho has to koop com|ng back to conso|o th|s poor
untortunato. 3ho |oavos tho warmth ot tho d|v|no 3un tor th|s wrotchod 3|bor|an co|d bocauso |ovo w||| not |ot
hor go!'
1ho shaman |aughs.
Why don't you to|| h|m?' l ask.
l havo, but ho, ||ko most poop|o l know, won't accopt what ho cons|dors to bo a |oss.'
luro so|t|shnoss.'
Yos, puro so|t|shnoss. loop|o ||ko h|m wou|d ||ko t|mo to stop or go backward, and by do|ng so, thoy
provont tho sou|s ot tho|r |ovod onos trom mov|ng on.'
1ho shaman |aughs aga|n.
Whon h|s w|to passod onto anothor p|ano, ho k|||od God, and ho w||| koop com|ng back onco, tw|co, ton
t|mos, to try aga|n and aga|n to ta|k to hor. |o doosn't ask tor ho|p |n ordor to undorstand ||to bottor. |o
wants th|ngs to contorm to h|s way ot soo|ng ||to and doath.'
|o pausos and |ooks around h|m. lt |s now comp|oto|y dark, apart trom tho ||ght trom tho t|amos.
l cannot curo dospa|r whon poop|o t|nd comtort |n |t.'
Who am l ta|k|ng to?'
You aro a bo||ovor.'
l ropoat tho quost|on, and ho answors: va|ont|na.'
A woman.
1ho man at my s|do may bo s||ght|y too||sh whon |t comos to th|ngs sp|r|tua|,' l say, but ho |s an oxco||ont
human bo|ng, proparod tor anyth|ng oxcopt what ho ca||s tho 'doath' ot h|s w|to. 1ho man at my s|do |s a
good man.'
1ho shaman nods. 3o aro you. You camo w|th a tr|ond who has boon by your s|do tor a |ong t|mo, |ong
botoro you mot |n th|s ||to. As havo l.' Anothor |augh. lt was |n a d|ttoront p|aco, and wo mot tho samo tato |n
batt|o, what your tr|ond horo ca||s 'doath.' l don't know |n wh|ch country |t was, but tho wounds woro causod
by bu||ots. Warr|ors moot aga|n. lt |s part ot tho d|v|no |aw.'
|o throws somo horbs onto tho t|amos, oxp|a|n|ng that wo havo dono th|s, too, |n anothor ||to, s|tt|ng
around a t|ro and ta|k|ng about our advonturos.
Your sp|r|t convorsos w|th tho oag|o ot 3a|ka|, wh|ch watchos ovor and guards ovoryth|ng, attack|ng
onom|os and protoct|ng and dotond|ng tr|onds.'
As |t to cont|rm h|s words, wo hoar a b|rd tar ott. 1ho too||ng ot co|d has boon rop|acod by ono ot wo||-
bo|ng. |o aga|n ho|ds out tho bott|o to us.
|ormontod dr|nks aro a||vo, thoy pass trom youth to o|d ago. Whon thoy roach matur|ty, thoy can dostroy
tho 3p|r|t ot lnh|b|t|on, tho 3p|r|t ot lono||noss, tho 3p|r|t ot |oar, tho 3p|r|t ot Anx|oty. 3ut |t you dr|nk too
much ot thom, thoy robo| and ushor |n tho 3p|r|t ot 0otoat and Aggross|on. lt's a|| a mattor ot know|ng whon
to stop.'
Wo dr|nk and co|obrato.
At th|s momont, your body |s on tho oarth, but your sp|r|t |s w|th mo up horo |n tho ho|ghts, and that |s a|| l
can ottor you: a stro|| through tho sk|os abovo 3a|ka|. You d|d not como horo to ask tor anyth|ng, and so l w|||
g|vo you on|y that. l hopo |t w||| |nsp|ro you to cont|nuo do|ng what you do.
3o b|ossod. And just as you aro transtorm|ng your own ||to, may you transtorm tho ||vos ot thoso around
you. Whon thoy ask, do not torgot to g|vo. Whon thoy knock at your door, bo suro to opon |t. Whon thoy |oso
somoth|ng and como to you, do whatovor you can to ho|p thom t|nd what thoy havo |ost. ||rst, though, ask,
knock at tho door and t|nd out what |s m|ss|ng trom your ||to. A huntor a|ways knows what to oxpoct-oat or
bo oaton.'
l nod.
You havo oxpor|oncod th|s botoro and w||| do so many t|mos,' tho shaman goos on. 3omoono who |s
your tr|ond |s a|so a tr|ond ot tho oag|o ot 3a|ka|. loth|ng spoc|a| w||| happon ton|ght, you w||| havo no
v|s|ons, no mag|ca| oxpor|oncos or trancos that br|ng you |nto contact w|th tho ||v|ng or tho doad. You w|||
roco|vo no spoc|a| powor. You w||| moro|y too| joy whon tho oag|o ot 3a|ka| shows tho |ako to your sou|. You
w||| soo noth|ng, but up abovo, your sp|r|t w||| bo t|||od w|th do||ght.'
Vy sp|r|t |s |ndood t|||od w|th do||ght, ovon though l can soo noth|ng. l don't havo to. l know ho |s to|||ng tho
truth. Whon my sp|r|t roturns to my body, |t w||| bo w|sor and ca|mor.
1|mo stops, bocauso l can no |ongor koop track ot |t. 1ho t|amos t||ckor, cast|ng strango shadows on tho
shaman's taco, but l am baro|y horo. l a||ow my sp|r|t to go stro|||ng, |t noods to, attor so much work and
ottort by my s|do. l don't too| co|d anymoro. l don't too| anyth|ng. l am troo and w||| roma|n so tor as |ong as
tho oag|o ot 3a|ka| |s t|y|ng ovor tho |ako and tho snowy mounta|ns. lt's a shamo that my sp|r|t cannot to|| mo
what |t soos, but thon aga|n, l don't nood to know ovoryth|ng that happons to mo.
1ho w|nd |s gott|ng up aga|n. 1ho shaman makos a |ow bow to tho oarth and to tho sky. 1ho t|ro, |n tho
sho|tor ot |ts ho|o, suddon|y goos out. l |ook at tho moon, wh|ch |s h|gh |n tho sky now, and l can soo tho
shapos ot b|rds t|y|ng around us. 1ho shaman |s onco aga|n an o|d man. |o sooms t|rod as ho puts h|s
drum back |nto a |argo ombro|dorod bag.
Yao st|cks h|s hand |n h|s |ott pockot and pu||s out a handtu| ot co|ns and notos. l do tho samo. Yao says,
Wo wont bogg|ng tor tho oag|o ot 3a|ka|. |oro |s what wo roco|vod.'
1ho shaman bows and thanks us tor tho monoy, and wo a|| wa|k unhurr|od|y back to tho boat. 1ho sacrod
|s|and ot tho shamans has |ts own sp|r|t, |t |s dark, and wo can novor bo suro that wo aro putt|ng our toot |n
tho r|ght p|aco.
Whon wo roach tho shoro, wo |ook tor |||a|, but tho two womon oxp|a|n that sho has gono back to tho
hoto|. On|y thon do l roa||zo that tho shaman d|d not mont|on hor onco.
Foar ot Foar
1|E |EA1 ll VY lOOV |s st||| on max|mum. 3otoro ovon bothor|ng to roach tor tho ||ght sw|tch, l tako ott my
anorak, hat, and scart, and go ovor to tho w|ndow, |ntond|ng to opon |t and |ot |n a ||tt|o trosh a|r. 1ho hoto| |s
on a sma|| h|||, and l can soo tho ||ghts ot tho v|||ago bo|ow go|ng out ono by ono. l stand thoro tor a wh||o,
|mag|n|ng tho marvo|s that my sp|r|t must havo soon. 1hon, just as l'm about to turn around, l hoar a vo|co
say|ng, 0on't turn around.'
|||a| |s thoro, and tho tono |n wh|ch sho says thoso words tr|ghtons mo. 3ho sounds doad|y sor|ous.
l'm armod.'
lo, that's |mposs|b|o. Un|oss thoso womon .
1ako a tow stops back.'
l do as ordorod.
A ||tt|o moro. 1hat's |t. low tako a stop to tho r|ght. Okay, stop thoro.'
l'm not th|nk|ng anymoro. 1ho surv|va| |nst|nct has takon chargo ot a|| my roact|ons. ln a mattor ot soconds
my m|nd has procossod my opt|ons: l cou|d throw myso|t on tho t|oor or try to str|ko up a convorsat|on or
s|mp|y wa|t and soo what sho doos noxt. lt sho roa||y |s dotorm|nod to k||| mo, sho'|| do so soon, but |t sho
doosn't shoot |n tho noxt tow m|nutos, sho'|| start ta|k|ng, and that w||| |mprovo my chancos.
1horo |s a doaton|ng no|so, an oxp|os|on, and l t|nd myso|t covorod |n shards ot g|ass. 1ho bu|b abovo my
hoad has burst.
ln my r|ght hand l havo my bow, and |n my |ott my v|o||n. lo, don't turn around.'
l stay whoro l am and broatho a s|gh ot ro||ot. 1horo's noth|ng mag|ca| or spoc|a| about what has just
happonod, opora s|ngors can shattor a champagno g|ass, tor oxamp|o, by s|ng|ng a part|cu|ar noto that
makos tho a|r v|brato at a troquoncy that can causo vory trag||o objocts to broak.
1ho bow touchos tho str|ngs aga|n, produc|ng tho samo p|orc|ng sound.
l know what happonod. l saw |t. 1ho womon took mo thoro w|th no nood tor a r|ng ot ||ght.'
3ho's soon |t.
An |mmonso wo|ght |s ||ttod ott my g|ass-strown shou|dors. Yao doosn't know |t, but our journoy to th|s
p|aco |s a|so part ot my journoy back to my k|ngdom. l d|dn't nood to to|| hor anyth|ng. 3ho had soon |t.
You abandonod mo whon l most noodod you. l d|od bocauso ot you and havo roturnod now to haunt you.'
You'ro not haunt|ng mo or tr|ghton|ng mo. l was torg|von.'
You torcod mo to torg|vo you. l d|dn't know what l was do|ng.'
Anothor shr|||, unp|oasant chord.
lt you ||ko, you can w|thdraw your torg|vonoss.'
lo, l don't want to. You oro torg|von. And |t you noodod mo to torg|vo you a hundrod t|mos ovor, l wou|d.
3ut tho |magos woro vory contusod |n my m|nd. l nood you to to|| mo oxact|y what happonod. l romombor
on|y that l was nakod. You woro |ook|ng at mo, and l was to|||ng ovoryono thoro that l |ovod you and that was
why l was condomnod to doath. Vy |ovo condomnod mo.'
Can l turn around now?'
lot yot. ||rst, to|| mo what happonod. A|| l know |s that |n a past ||to l d|od bocauso ot you. lt cou|d havo
boon horo, |t cou|d havo boon somowhoro o|so |n tho wor|d, but l sacr|t|cod myso|t |n tho namo ot |ovo to
savo you.'
Vy oyos havo grown accustomod to tho darknoss now, but tho hoat |n tho room |s unboarab|o.
What d|d thoso womon do, oxact|y?'
Wo sat down togothor on tho |akoshoro, thoy ||t a t|ro, boat on a drum, wont |nto a tranco, and gavo mo
somoth|ng to dr|nk. Whon l drank, l startod gott|ng thoso contus|ng |magos |n my hoad. 1hoy d|dn't |ast |ong.
A|| l romombor |s what l'vo just to|d you. l thought |t was somo k|nd ot n|ghtmaro, but thoy assurod mo that
you and l had boon togothor |n a past ||to. You to|d mo so yourso|t.'
lo, |t happonod |n tho prosont, |t's happon|ng now. At th|s momont, l'm |n a hoto| room |n somo
namo|oss 3|bor|an v|||ago, but l'm a|so |n a dungoon noar Cordoba |n 3pa|n. l'm w|th my w|to |n 3raz||, as
wo|| as w|th tho many othor womon l'vo known, and |n somo ot thoso ||vos l myso|t am a woman. l|ay
somoth|ng.'
l tako ott my swoator. 3ho starts to p|ay a sonata not or|g|na||y wr|tton tor tho v|o||n. Vy mothor usod to
p|ay |t on tho p|ano whon l was a ch||d.
1horo was a t|mo whon tho wor|d, too, was a woman, and hor onorgy was vory boaut|tu|. loop|o bo||ovod
|n m|rac|os, tho prosont momont was a|| thoro was, and so t|mo d|d not ox|st. 1ho Grooks havo two words
tor t|mo, tho t|rst ot wh|ch |s kolros, moan|ng God's t|mo, otorn|ty. 1hon a chango occurrod. 1ho batt|o tor
surv|va|, tho nood to know whon to p|ant crops so that thoy cou|d bo harvostod. 1hat was whon t|mo as wo
know |t now bocamo part ot our h|story. 1ho Grooks ca|| |t Chronos, tho lomans ca||od |t 3aturn, a god
whoso t|rst act was to dovour h|s own ch||dron. Wo bocamo tho s|avos ot momory. Koop p|ay|ng, and l'||
oxp|a|n moro c|oar|y.'
3ho cont|nuos to p|ay. l start to cry but manago to koop ta|k|ng.
At th|s momont, l am |n a gardon |n a town, s|tt|ng on a bonch at tho back ot my houso, |ook|ng up at tho
sky and try|ng to work out what poop|o moan whon thoy uso tho oxpross|on 'bu||d|ng cast|os |n tho a|r,' an
oxpross|on l t|rst hoard an hour ago. l am sovon yoars o|d. l am try|ng to bu||d a go|don cast|o but t|nd|ng |t
hard to concontrato. Vy tr|onds aro hav|ng suppor |n tho|r housos, and my mothor |s p|ay|ng tho samo mus|c
l'm hoar|ng now, on|y on tho p|ano. lt l d|dn't too| tho nood to doscr|bo what l'm too||ng, l wou|d bo ont|ro|y
thoro. 1ho smo|| ot summor, c|cadas s|ng|ng |n tho troos, and mo th|nk|ng about tho ||tt|o g|r| l'm |n |ovo w|th.'
l'm not |n tho past, l'm |n tho prosont. l am tho ||tt|o boy l was thon. l w||| a|ways bo that ||tt|o boy, wo w||| a||
bo tho ch||dron, grown-ups, and o|d poop|o wo woro and w||| bocomo. l am not romomborlog, l am ro|lvlog
that t|mo.
l can't go on. l covor my taco w|th my hands and woop wh||o sho p|ays ovor moro |ntonso|y, ovor moro
oxqu|s|to|y, transport|ng mo back to tho many poop|o l am and was. l am not cry|ng tor my doad mothor,
bocauso sho |s horo now, p|ay|ng tor mo. l am not cry|ng tor tho ch||d who, puzz|od by a strango turn ot
phraso, |s try|ng to bu||d a go|don cast|o that koops d|sappoar|ng. 1hat ch||d |s horo as wo||, ||ston|ng to
Chop|n, hav|ng ||stonod to |t otton, ho knows how |ovo|y tho mus|c |s and wou|d happ||y hoar |t aga|n and
aga|n. l am cry|ng bocauso thoro |s no othor way to show what l too|: l om o|lvo. l am a||vo |n ovory poro and
ovory co|| ot my body. l am a||vo. l was novor born and novor d|od.
l may havo my momonts ot sadnoss or contus|on, but abovo mo |s tho groat l who undorstands ovoryth|ng
and |aughs at my suttor|ng. l am cry|ng tor what |s ophomora| and otorna|, bocauso l know that words aro
much pooror than mus|c, and so l w||| novor bo ab|o to doscr|bo th|s momont. l |ot Chop|n, 3oothovon, and
Wagnor |oad mo |nto that past that |s a|so tho prosont, tor tho|r mus|c |s tar moro powortu| than any go|don
r|ng.
l cry wh||o |||a| p|ays, and sho p|ays unt|| l grow t|rod ot cry|ng.
3|E WAlK3 OvEl 1O 1|E llG|1 3Wl1C|. 1ho shattorod bu|b short-c|rcu|ts. 1ho room roma|ns |n darknoss. 3ho
goos to tho bods|do tab|o and sw|tchos on tho |amp.
low you can turn around.'
Whon my oyos got usod to tho br|ghtnoss, l soo that sho |s comp|oto|y nakod, hor arms sproad w|do, hor
bow and v|o||n |n hor hands.
1oday you sa|d that you |ovod mo ||ko a r|vor. l want to to|| you now that l |ovo you ||ko tho mus|c ot
Chop|n. 3|mp|o and protound, as b|uo as tho |ako, capab|o ot-'
1ho mus|c spoaks tor |tso|t. 1horo's no nood to say anyth|ng.'
l'm atra|d, vory atra|d. What was |t l saw, oxact|y?'
l doscr|bo |n dota|| ovoryth|ng that happonod |n tho dungoon, my own coward|co and tho g|r| who |ookod
thon oxact|y as sho doos now, oxcopt that hor hands woro bound w|th |ongths ot ropo, a tar cry trom tho
str|ngs on hor bow or v|o||n. 3ho ||stons |n s||onco, hor arms st||| sproad w|do, absorb|ng my ovory word. Wo
aro both stand|ng |n tho m|dd|o ot tho room. |or body |s as wh|to as that ot tho t|ttoon-yoar-o|d g|r| now
bo|ng |od to a pyro bu||t noar tho c|ty ot Cordoba. l w||| not bo ab|o to savo hor, and l know that sho w|||
van|sh |nto tho t|amos a|ong w|th hor tr|onds. 1h|s happonod onco and |s happon|ng ovor and ovor aga|n,
and w||| cont|nuo to happon as |ong as tho wor|d ox|sts. l mont|on to hor that tho g|r| had pub|c ha|r, whoroas
sho has shavod hors ott, somoth|ng l hato, as |t a|| mon woro |ook|ng tor a ch||d to havo sox w|th. l ask hor
not to do that aga|n, and sho prom|sos sho won't.
l show hor tho patchos ot oczoma on my sk|n, wh|ch soom angr|or and moro v|s|b|o than usua|. l oxp|a|n
that thoy aro tho marks trom that samo p|aco and past. l ask |t sho romombors what sho sa|d, or what tho
othor g|r|s sa|d, wh||o thoy woro bo|ng |od to tho pyro.
3ho shakos hor hoad and asks, 0o you dos|ro mo?'
Yos, l do. Wo'ro horo a|ono |n th|s un|quo p|aco on tho p|anot. You aro stand|ng nakod botoro mo. l
dos|ro you vory much.'
l'm atra|d ot my toar. l'm ask|ng myso|t tor torg|vonoss not tor bo|ng horo but bocauso l havo a|ways boon
so|t|sh |n my pa|n. lnstoad ot torg|v|ng, l sought vongoanco. lot bocauso l was tho strongor party but
bocauso l a|ways to|t myso|t to bo tho woakor ono. Whonovor l hurt othor poop|o, l was on|y hurt|ng myso|t
ovon moro. l hum|||atod othors |n ordor to too| hum|||atod, l attackod othors |n ordor to too| that my own
too||ngs woro bo|ng v|o|atod.
l know l'm not tho on|y porson to havo boon through what l doscr|bod that n|ght at tho ombassy, bo|ng
abusod by a no|ghbor and tr|ond ot tho tam||y. l sa|d thon that |t wasn't a raro oxpor|onco, and l'm suro that
at |oast ono ot tho womon thoro had boon soxua||y abusod as a ch||d. 3ut not ovoryono bohavos as l havo.
l'm s|mp|y not at poaco w|th myso|t.'
3ho takos a doop broath, try|ng to t|nd tho r|ght words, thon goos on.
l can't got ovor what ovoryono o|so sooms portoct|y ab|o to got ovor. You aro |n soarch ot your troasuro,
and l am part ot |t. lovortho|oss, l too| ||ko a strangor |n my own sk|n. 1ho on|y roason l don't throw myso|t
|nto your arms, k|ss you, and mako |ovo w|th you now |s that l |ack tho courago and am atra|d ot |os|ng you.
Wh||o you woro sott|ng out |n soarch ot your k|ngdom, l was bog|nn|ng to t|nd myso|t, unt|| at a corta|n po|nt
on tho journoy l cou|dn't go any turthor. 1hat was whon l startod to got moro aggross|vo. l too| rojoctod,
uso|oss, and thoro's noth|ng you can say that w||| mako mo chango my m|nd.'
l s|t down on tho ono cha|r |n tho room and ask hor to s|t on my |ap. |or body |s damp w|th swoat bocauso
ot tho oxcoss|vo hoat. 3ho koops aho|d ot hor v|o||n and bow.
l'm atra|d ot |ots ot th|ngs,' l say, and a|ways w||| bo. l'm not go|ng to try and oxp|a|n anyth|ng, but thoro |s
somoth|ng you cou|d do r|ght now.'
l don't want to go on to|||ng myso|t that ono day |t w||| pass. lt won't. l havo to |oarn to ||vo w|th my
domons.'
Wa|t. l d|dn't mako th|s journoy |n ordor to savo tho wor|d, tar |oss to savo you, but accord|ng to tho
mag|ca| 1rad|t|on, |t's poss|b|o to transtor pa|n. lt won't d|sappoar |nstant|y, but |t w||| gradua||y d|sappoar as
you transtor |t to anothor p|aco. You'vo boon do|ng th|s unconsc|ous|y a|| your ||to. low l suggost you do |t
consc|ous|y.'
0on't you want to mako |ovo w|th mo?'
vory much. At th|s momont, ovon though tho room |s bo|||ng hot, l'm gonorat|ng ovon moro hoat at tho
spot whoro your body |s |n contact w|th my |ogs. l'm no 3uporman. 1hat's why l'm ask|ng you to transtor both
your pa|n and my dos|ro. l want you to got up, go to your room, and p|ay your v|o||n unt|| you'ro oxhaustod.
Wo'ro tho on|y guosts |n tho hoto|, so no ono |s go|ng to comp|a|n about tho no|so. lour a|| your too||ngs |nto
your mus|c, and do tho samo aga|n tomorrow. Whonovor you p|ay, to|| yourso|t that tho th|ng that hurt you so
much has bocomo a g|tt. You'ro wrong whon you say that othor poop|o havo rocovorod trom tho trauma,
thoy'vo s|mp|y h|ddon |t away |n a p|aco thoy novor go to. ln your caso, though, God has shown you tho way.
1ho powor ot rogonorat|on |s |n your hands.'
l |ovo you as l |ovo Chop|n. l a|ways wantod to bo a p|an|st, but tho v|o||n was a|| my paronts cou|d attord
at tho t|mo.'
And l |ovo you ||ko a r|vor.'
3ho gots up and starts to p|ay. 1ho hoavons hoar tho mus|c, and tho ango|s como down to jo|n mo |n
||ston|ng to tho nakod woman who somot|mos stands st||| and somot|mos sways hor body |n t|mo to tho
mus|c. l dos|rod hor and mado |ovo w|th hor w|thout ovor touch|ng hor or hav|ng an orgasm. lot bocauso l'm
tho most ta|thtu| man |n tho wor|d but bocauso that was tho way |n wh|ch our bod|os mot-w|th tho ango|s
watch|ng ovor us.
|or tho th|rd t|mo that n|ght-tho t|rst was whon my sp|r|t t|ow w|th tho oag|o ot 3a|ka|, tho socond whon l
hoard that ch||dhood tuno-t|mo had stoppod. l was ont|ro|y thoro, w|th no past or tuturo, oxpor|onc|ng tho
mus|c w|th hor, that unoxpoctod prayor, and too||ng gratotu| that l had sot ott |n soarch ot my k|ngdom. l |ay
down on tho bod, and sho cont|nuod to p|ay. l to|| as|oop to tho sound ot hor v|o||n.
l WOKE A1 |ll31 llG|1, wont to hor room, and saw hor taco. |or tho t|rst t|mo, sho |ookod ||ko an ord|nary
twonty-ono-yoar-o|d woman. l woko hor gont|y and askod hor to got drossod bocauso Yao was wa|t|ng tor
us to havo broaktast. Wo had to got back to lrkutsk. 1ho tra|n wou|d bo |oav|ng |n a tow hours.
Wo go downsta|rs, oat somo mar|natod t|sh tor broaktast (tho on|y th|ng on tho monu at that hour), thon
hoar tho sound ot tho car that has como to totch us draw|ng up outs|do. 1ho dr|vor groots us, takos our
bags, and puts thom |n tho trunk.
Wo omorgo trom tho hoto| |nto br||||ant sunsh|no, c|oar sk|os, and no w|nd. 1ho snowy mounta|ns |n tho
d|stanco aro c|oar|y v|s|b|o. l pauso to say good-byo to tho |ako, know|ng that l w||| probab|y novor bo back.
Yao and |||a| got |nto tho car, and tho dr|vor starts tho ong|no.
3ut l can't movo.
Wo'd bottor go,' ho says. l'vo a||owod an oxtra hour, just |n caso thoro's somo acc|dont on routo, but l
don't want to r|sk m|ss|ng tho tra|n.'
1ho |ako |s ca|||ng to mo.
Yao gots out ot tho car and comos ovor. You woro porhaps oxpoct|ng moro trom that moot|ng |ast n|ght
w|th tho shaman, but |t was vory |mportant to mo.'
l had, |n tact, oxpoctod |oss. lator, l w||| to|| h|m what happonod w|th |||a|. low l am |ook|ng at tho |ako,
wh|ch |s dawn|ng a|ong w|th tho sun, |ts wators rot|oct|ng ovory ray. Vy sp|r|t had v|s|tod |t w|th tho oag|o ot
3a|ka|, but l nood to know |t bottor.
1h|ngs aron't a|ways tho way wo oxpoct thom to bo,' ho goos on. 3ut l'm roa||y gratotu| to you tor
com|ng.'
ls |t poss|b|o to dov|ato trom tho path God has mado? Yos, but |t's a|ways a m|stako. ls |t poss|b|o to
avo|d pa|n? Yos, but you'|| novor |oarn anyth|ng. ls |t poss|b|o to know somoth|ng w|thout ovor hav|ng
oxpor|oncod |t? Yos, but |t w||| novor tru|y bo part ot you.'
And w|th thoso words, l wa|k toward tho wators that cont|nuo to ca|| to mo. l do so s|ow|y at t|rst, hos|tant|y,
unsuro as to whothor l w||| roach thom. Whon l too| roason try|ng to ho|d mo back, l start to wa|k moro qu|ck|y,
thon broak |nto a run, pu|||ng ott my w|ntor c|othos as l do. 3y tho t|mo l roach tho odgo ot tho |ako, l am
woar|ng on|y my undorpants. |or a momont, tor a tract|on ot a socond, l hos|tato, but my doubts aro not
strong onough to provont mo trom go|ng torward. 1ho |cy wator touchos t|rst my toot, thon my ank|os. 1ho
bottom ot tho |ako |s covorod w|th stonos, and l havo d|tt|cu|ty ma|nta|n|ng my ba|anco, but l koop go|ng, unt||
tho wator |s doop onough to-olvo lo!
Vy body ontors tho trooz|ng wator, l too| thousands ot nood|os pr|ck|ng my sk|n, l stay undor tor as |ong as
l can-a tow soconds, porhaps, porhaps an otorn|ty-thon l roturn to tho surtaco.
5ommor! loot!
lator, l roa||zo that anyono mov|ng trom a vory co|d p|aco to a warmor p|aco oxpor|oncos tho samo
sonsat|on. 1horo l was, w|th no sh|rt on, knoo-doop |n tho wators ot lako 3a|ka|, as happy as a ch||d,
bocauso l had boon onto|dod |n an onorgy that was now part ot mo.
Yao and |||a| had to||owod mo and woro watch|ng |ncrodu|ous|y trom tho shoro.
Como on! Como on |n!'
1hoy both start gott|ng undrossod. |||a| has noth|ng on undornoath and |s onco aga|n comp|oto|y nakod.
3ut what doos that mattor? 3omo poop|o gathor on tho p|or and watch us. 3ut, aga|n, who caros? 1ho |ako
|s ours. 1ho wor|d |s ours.
Yao |s t|rst |n. |o doosn't roa||zo how unovon tho bottom ot tho |ako |s and ta||s. |o gots up, wados |n a
||tt|o tarthor, thon takos tho p|ungo. |||a| must havo |ov|tatod ovor tho pobb|os, bocauso sho ontors at a run,
go|ng tarthor out than o|thor ot us botoro p|ung|ng |n, thon sho opons hor arms to tho sk|os and |aughs ||ko a
|oon.
lo moro than t|vo m|nutos cou|d havo passod trom tho momont whon l startod runn|ng toward tho |ako
unt|| tho momont wo omorgod. 1ho dr|vor, bos|do h|mso|t w|th worry, comos runn|ng toward us, boar|ng
towo|s hast||y borrowod trom tho hoto|. Wo aro |oap|ng g|ootu||y up and down, hugg|ng ono anothor, s|ng|ng,
shout|ng, and say|ng, lt's so hot out horo!'-||ko tho ch||dron wo w||| novor, ovor coaso to bo.
1ho City
|Ol 1|E lA31 1lVE Ol 1|l3 1OUllEY, l adjust my watch. lt's t|vo o'c|ock |n tho morn|ng on Vay 80, 2000. ln
Voscow, wh|ch |s sovon hours boh|nd, poop|o aro st||| hav|ng suppor on tho n|ght ot tho 20th.
Evoryono |n tho carr|ago woko oar|y and tound |t |mposs|b|o to got back to s|oop, not bocauso ot tho
mot|on ot tho tra|n, to wh|ch wo havo bocomo accustomod, but bocauso wo w||| short|y bo arr|v|ng |n
v|ad|vostok, our t|na| stop. Wo havo spont tho |ast two days |n tho carr|ago, most|y s|tt|ng around tho tab|o
that has boon tho contor ot our un|vorso dur|ng th|s soom|ng|y unond|ng journoy. Wo ato and to|d stor|os,
and l doscr|bod what |t to|t ||ko to p|ungo |nto lako 3a|ka|, a|though tho othors woro moro |ntorostod |n our
moot|ng w|th tho shaman.
Vy pub||shors had a br||||ant |doa: thoy wou|d torowarn tho stat|ons on routo ot our arr|va| t|mo. 1hat way,
whothor |t was day or n|ght, l wou|d got out ot tho carr|ago to t|nd poop|o wa|t|ng on tho p|attorm w|th books
to s|gn. 1hoy thankod mo, and l thankod thom. 3omot|mos wo stayod tor on|y t|vo m|nutos, somot|mos tor
twonty. 1hoy b|ossod mo, and l gratotu||y roco|vod tho|r b|oss|ngs, wh|ch camo trom a|| k|nds ot poop|o, trom
o|dor|y |ad|os |n |ong coats, boots, and hoad scarvos to young mon who had just |ott work or woro hoad|ng
homo, usua||y woar|ng on|y a jackot, as |t to say, l'm too tough tor tho co|d to got to mo.'
1ho prov|ous day, l had doc|dod to wa|k tho who|o |ongth ot tho tra|n. 1h|s was somoth|ng l had thought ot
do|ng sovora| t|mos but a|ways put ott tor anothor day, g|von that wo had such a |ong journoy ahoad ot us.
1hon l roa||zod that wo woro noar|y at our t|na| dost|nat|on.
l askod Yao to go w|th mo. Wo oponod and c|osod numorous doors, too many to count. On|y thon d|d l
undorstand that l wasn't on a tra|n but |n a c|ty, a country, a who|o un|vorso. l shou|d havo dono th|s botoro.
1ho journoy wou|d havo boon so much r|chor, l m|ght havo mot tasc|nat|ng poop|o and hoard stor|os l cou|d
|ator turn |nto books.
l spont tho who|o attornoon |nvost|gat|ng that c|ty on whoo|s, paus|ng on|y to got ott whonovor wo pu||od
|nto a stat|on to moot any wa|t|ng roadors. l wa|kod through that groat c|ty as l havo through many othors and
saw a|| tho usua| sconos: a man ta|k|ng on h|s co|| phono, a boy hurry|ng back to totch somoth|ng ho had |ott
boh|nd |n tho d|n|ng car, a mothor w|th a baby on hor |ap, two young poop|o k|ss|ng |n tho narrow corr|dor
outs|do tho compartmonts, ob||v|ous to tho |andscapo spood|ng past outs|do, rad|os at tu|| b|ast, s|gns l
cou|dn't undorstand, poop|o ottor|ng and ask|ng tor th|ngs, a man w|th a go|d tooth |augh|ng w|th tr|onds, a
woman |n a hoad scart woop|ng and gaz|ng |nto spaco. l smokod a tow c|garottos w|th a group ot poop|o
wa|t|ng by tho narrow door |nto tho noxt carr|ago wh||o d|scroot|y study|ng thoso thoughttu|, wo||-drossod
mon who soomod to havo tho wo|ght ot tho wor|d on tho|r shou|dors.
l wa|kod through that c|ty, wh|ch strotchod out ||ko an ovor-t|ow|ng r|vor ot stoo|, a c|ty whoro l don't spoak
tho |oca| |anguago, but what doos that mattor? l hoard a|| k|nds ot |anguagos and sounds, and not|cod that,
as happons |n a|| |argo c|t|os, most poop|o woron't ta|k|ng to anyono, oach passongor absorbod |n h|s or
hor own prob|oms and droams, torcod to sharo tho samo compartmont w|th throo portoct strangors, poop|o
thoy w||| novor moot aga|n and who havo tho|r own prob|oms and droams to contond w|th. |owovor
m|sorab|o or |ono|y thoy m|ght too|, howovor much thoy wou|d ||ko to sharo tho|r joy at somo tr|umph or tho|r
gr|ot at somo ovorwho|m|ng sadnoss, |t's a|ways bost and satost to koop s||ont.
l doc|dod to str|ko up a convorsat|on w|th somoono, a woman ot about my own ago. l askod |t sho know
what part ot tho country wo woro pass|ng through. Yao bogan to trans|ato my words, but l stoppod h|m. l
wantod to |mag|no what |t wou|d bo ||ko to mako th|s journoy a|ono. Wou|d l havo mado |t to tho ond? l
wondorod. 1ho woman mado a gosturo |nd|cat|ng that sho cou|dn't hoar what l was say|ng abovo tho
doaton|ng no|so ot tho whoo|s on tho tracks. l ropoatod my quost|on, and th|s t|mo sho d|d hoar but d|dn't
undorstand. 3ho c|oar|y thought l was s||ght|y touchod and hurr|od|y movod away.
l tr|od a socond and a th|rd porson. l askod a d|ttoront quost|on: why woro thoy travo||ng, and what woro
thoy do|ng on that tra|n? lo ono undorstood what l was ask|ng, and l was g|ad |n a way, bocauso |t was a
protty stup|d quost|on. 1hoy a|| know what thoy woro do|ng and whoro thoy woro go|ng-ovon l know that,
a|though l hadn't porhaps roachod proc|so|y tho p|aco l wantod to roach. 3omoono squooz|ng past us down
tho narrow corr|dor hoard mo spoak|ng Eng||sh, stoppod, and sa|d vory ca|m|y, Vay l ho|p you? Aro you
|ost?'
lo, l'm not |ost, but whoro oxact|y aro wo?'
Wo'ro on tho Ch|noso tront|or and w||| soon bo go|ng south, down to v|ad|vostok.'
l thankod h|m and wa|kod on. l had at |oast managod to havo a br|ot convorsat|on, wh|ch moant that |t
wou|d havo boon poss|b|o to travo| on that tra|n a|ono. l wou|d novor bo |ost as |ong as thoro woro poop|o
w||||ng to ho|p.
l wa|kod through that apparont|y ond|oss c|ty and roturnod to tho po|nt whoro l had startod, carry|ng w|th
mo tho sm||os, |ooks, k|ssos, mus|c, and babb|o ot words, as wo|| as tho torost pass|ng by outs|do that l
wou|d probab|y novor soo aga|n, a|though |t wou|d stay w|th mo torovor, |n my m|nd's oyo and |n my hoart.
l roturnod to tho tab|o that had boon tho contor ot our un|vorso, wroto a tow ||nos on a p|oco ot papor, and
stuck |t on tho m|rror, whoro Yao a|ways put h|s da||y thoughts.
l'V lEA0llG W|A1 l WlO1E YE31El0AY attor my wa|k through tho tra|n.
l om oot o orolgoor, bocooso l bovoo`t booo proylog to rotoro soo|y bomo. l bovoo`t wostoo my
tlmo lmoglolog my booso, my oosk, my sloo o tbo boo. l om oot o orolgoor, bocooso wo oro o||
trovo|log, wo oro o|| o|| o tbo somo qoostloos, tbo somo tlrooooss, tbo somo oors, tbo somo
so|lsbooss, ooo tbo somo goooroslty. l om oot o orolgoor, bocooso, wboo l oskoo, l rocolvoo. boo
l koockoo, tbo ooor opoooo. boo l |ookoo, l oooo.
1hoso, l romombor, woro tho words ot tho shaman. 3oon th|s carr|ago w||| go back whoro |t camo trom.
1h|s p|oco ot papor w||| d|sappoar as soon as tho c|oanors arr|vo. 3ut l w||| novor torgot what l wroto,
bocauso l am not and novor w||| bo a toro|gnor.
|llAl VO31lY 31AYE0 ll |El COVlAl1VEl1 , trant|ca||y p|ay|ng hor v|o||n. 3omot|mos |t soomod to mo that sho
was onco aga|n ta|k|ng to tho ango|s, but at othors that sho was moro|y pract|c|ng |n ordor to ma|nta|n hor
tochn|quo. On tho dr|vo back to lrkutsk, l had to|t suro that l was not a|ono on my t||ght w|th tho oag|o ot
3a|ka|. Our sp|r|ts-hors and m|no-had soon tho samo marvo|s.
1ho prov|ous n|ght, l had aga|n askod |t wo cou|d s|oop |n tho samo bod togothor. l had tr|od do|ng tho
r|ng-ot-||ght oxorc|so a|ono but had novor gotton anywhoro apart trom mak|ng anothor un|ntondod v|s|t to tho
wr|tor l had boon |n n|notoonth-contury |ranco. |o (or l) was just t|n|sh|ng a paragraph:
7bo momoots tbot procooo s|oop oro vory slml|or to oootb. o oro l||oo by o torpor, ooo lt ls
lmposslb|o to koow wboo tbo l' tokos oo o oloroot orm. Oor orooms oro oor socooo |lo. l om
locopob|o o golog tbroogb tbo ooors tbot |ooo os to tbot lovlslb|o wor|o wltboot o sblvor.
1hat n|ght as sho |ay by my s|do, l rostod my hoad on hor broast and wo roma|nod ||ko that |n s||onco, as |t
our sou|s had known oach othor tor a |ong t|mo and thoro was no nood tor words, on|y that phys|ca| contact. l
t|na||y managod to got tho go|don r|ng to tako mo to tho vory p|aco l wantod to bo: a sma|| town outs|do
Cordoba.
1|E 3El1ElCE l3 llOlOUlCE0 ll lU3llC, |n tho m|dd|o ot tho squaro, as |t th|s woro a day ot co|obrat|on. 1ho
o|ght g|r|s, woar|ng wh|to drossos down to tho|r ank|os, aro sh|vor|ng w|th co|d, but soon thoy w||| oxpor|onco
tho t|ros ot |o|| ||t by mon who bo||ovo thoy aro act|ng |n tho namo ot |oavon. l askod my 3upor|or to oxcuso
mo trom bo|ng thoro w|th tho othor mombors ot tho Church. |o d|d not tako much porsuad|ng. l th|nk ho |s
st||| tur|ous w|th mo tor my coward|co and g|ad to soo tho back ot mo. l am m|ng||ng w|th tho crowd, too||ng
doop|y ashamod, my hoad st||| covorod by tho hood ot my 0om|n|can hab|t.
A|| day, cur|ous on|ookors havo boon arr|v|ng trom tho noarby towns, and by tho t|mo dusk ta||s, tho
squaro |s packod. 1ho nob|os s|tt|ng |n tho spoc|a| soats rosorvod tor thom |n tho tront row aro woar|ng tho|r
most co|ortu| outt|ts. 1ho womon havo had t|mo to arrango tho|r ha|r and put on makoup so that tho crowd
can approc|ato what thoy doom to bo tho|r groat boauty. 1horo |s somoth|ng moro than just cur|os|ty |n tho
oyos ot tho poop|o prosont, tho most common omot|on appoars to bo a dos|ro tor vongoanco. lt |sn't just
ro||ot to soo tho gu||ty bo|ng pun|shod but a|so g|oo bocauso tho gu||ty a|so happon to bo tho young, protty,
sonsua| daughtors ot vory r|ch tam|||os. 1hoy dosorvo to bo pun|shod tor hav|ng ovoryth|ng that most ot tho
poop|o thoro o|thor |ott boh|nd |n tho|r youth or novor had at a||. lot us, thon, havo our rovongo on boauty. lot
us avongo ourso|vos on joy, |aughtor, and hopo. 1horo |s no room |n such a wor|d tor too||ngs that show us
up on|y tor what wo aro-wrotchod, trustratod, and |mpotont.
1ho lnqu|s|tor |s say|ng a Vass |n lat|n. ||s sormon, |n wh|ch ho spoaks ot tho torr|b|o pun|shmonts
awa|t|ng a|| thoso tound gu||ty ot horosy, |s |ntorruptod by shouts. 1hoy como trom tho paronts ot tho young
womon about to bo burnod. 1hoy had boon kopt out ot tho squaro unt|| thon but havo managod to got
through.
1ho lnqu|s|tor stops h|s sormon, tho crowd boos, and tho guards go ovor to tho |ntor|opors and drag thom
away.
An ox-drawn cart arr|vos. 1ho g|r|s put tho|r arms boh|nd thom so that tho|r hands can bo bound, and tho
0om|n|can monks thon ho|p thom |nto tho cart. 1ho guards torm a socur|ty cordon around tho voh|c|o, tho
crowd movos back to |ot thom through, and tho oxon w|th tho|r macabro cargo aro dr|von toward tho pyro
that w||| bo ||t |n a noarby t|o|d.
1ho g|r|s havo tho|r hoads bowod, and trom whoro l am, l cannot know what |s |n tho|r oyos, whothor toars
or torror. Ono ot thom was torturod so barbarous|y that sho can stand on|y w|th tho ho|p ot tho othors. 1ho
so|d|ors aro hav|ng d|tt|cu|ty contro|||ng tho crowd, wh|ch |s |augh|ng, hur||ng |nsu|ts, and throw|ng th|ngs. l
soo that tho cart w||| pass c|oso by whoro l am stand|ng. l try to |oavo, but |t's too |ato. 1ho donso mass ot
mon, womon, and ch||dron boh|nd mo won't a||ow mo to movo.
1ho cart approachos. 1ho g|r|s' wh|to drossos aro now sta|nod w|th oggs, boor, w|no, and potato poo|s.
Ooo bovo morcy oo tbom. l hopo that whon tho t|ro |s ||t, thoy ask pardon aga|n tor tho|r s|ns, s|ns that w|||
ono day bo transtormod |nto v|rtuos, un|mag|nab|o though that |s tor any ot us thoro now. lt thoy ask tor
abso|ut|on, a monk w||| hoar tho|r contoss|ons onco aga|n and commond tho|r sou|s to God. 1hoy w||| thon
bo garrotod, and on|y tho|r corpsos w||| bo burnod.
lt thoy rotuso to adm|t tho|r gu||t, thoy w||| bo burnod a||vo.
l havo w|tnossod othor oxocut|ons and s|ncoro|y hopo that tho g|r|s' paronts havo br|bod tho oxocut|onor. lt
thoy havo, ho w||| pour a ||tt|o o|| ovor tho wood, so that tho t|ro burns moro qu|ck|y, and tho smoko w|||
suttocato thom botoro tho t|amos bog|n to consumo t|rst tho|r ha|r, thon tho|r toot, hands, tacos, |ogs, and,
t|na||y, tho|r bod|os. lt thoy havo g|von no br|bo, tho|r daughtors w||| burn s|ow|y and onduro |ndoscr|bab|o
pa|n.
1ho cart |s now |mmod|ato|y |n tront ot mo. l bow my hoad, but ono ot tho g|r|s soos mo. 1hoy a|| turn, and l
proparo to bo |nsu|tod and attackod as l dosorvo to bo, tor l am tho gu||t|ost ot a||, tho ono who washod h|s
hands ot thom whon just ono word cou|d havo changod ovoryth|ng.
1hoy ca|| my namo. 1ho poop|o noarby turn to |ook at mo |n surpr|so. 0o l know thoso w|tchos? Woro |t
not tor my 0om|n|can hab|t, thoy m|ght wo|| attack mo. A tract|on ot a socond |ator, tho poop|o around mo
roa||zo that l must bo ono ot thoso who condomnod tho g|r|s. 3omoono g|vos mo a congratu|atory s|ap on
tho back, and a woman says, Wo|| dono, you aro a man ot good ta|th.'
1ho g|r|s cont|nuo ca|||ng to mo. And woary ot bo|ng a coward, l t|na||y doc|do to ra|so my hoad and |ook
at thom.
At that po|nt, ovoryth|ng troozos and l can soo noth|ng moro.
l COl3l0El 1AKllG |llAl to whoro tho A|oph |s, so c|oso by, but |s that what th|s journoy |s a|| about? Us|ng
somoono who |ovos mo just to got an answor to a tormont|ng quost|on? W||| that roa||y mako mo onco aga|n
tho k|ng ot my k|ngdom? lt l don't t|nd tho answor now, l w||| t|nd |t |ator. 1horo aro doubt|oss anothor throo
womon wa|t|ng tor mo a|ong my path-|t l havo tho courago to to||ow |t to tho ond. 3uro|y l w||| not |oavo th|s
|ncarnat|on w|thout know|ng tho answor.
l1'3 llG|1 lOW, and wo can soo tho b|g c|ty through tho w|ndows ot tho tra|n. loop|o got up trom tho|r soats
w|th no show ot onthus|asm, no s|gn that thoy aro p|oasod to bo arr|v|ng. lorhaps th|s |s whoro our journoy
roa||y bog|ns.
1ho tra|n, th|s c|ty ot stoo|, s|ows to a ha|t, th|s t|mo tor good. l turn to |||a| and say, lot's got out
togothor.'
loop|o aro wa|t|ng on tho p|attorm. A g|r| w|th |argo oyos |s ho|d|ng up a postor boar|ng tho 3raz|||an t|ag
and somo words |n lortuguoso. 1ourna||sts como ovor to mo, and l thank tho luss|an poop|o tor tho|r
k|ndnoss as l crossod tho|r vast cont|nont. l roco|vo bunchos ot t|owors, and tho photographors ask mo to
poso |n tront ot a |argo bronzo co|umn toppod by a two-hoadod oag|o. 1horo's a numbor ongravod at tho
baso ot tho co|umn: 0,288.
1horo |s no nood to add tho word k||omotors.' Evoryono who arr|vos horo knows what that numbor
moans.
1ho 1oIohono CaII
1|E 3|ll l3 3AllllG CAlVlY ovor tho lac|t|c Ocoan wh||o tho sun sots s|ow|y boh|nd tho h|||s whoro tho c|ty ot
v|ad|vostok ||os. 1ho sadnoss l thought l saw |n my travo||ng compan|ons whon wo arr|vod at tho stat|on has
g|von way to w||d ouphor|a. Wo a|| bohavo as |t th|s woro tho t|rst t|mo wo had ovor soon tho soa. lo ono
wants to th|nk that wo'|| bo say|ng good-byo short|y and prom|s|ng to moot up aga|n soon, know|ng that tho
purposo ot th|s prom|so |s s|mp|y to mako part|ng oas|or.
1ho journoy |s com|ng to a c|oso, tho advonturo |s about to ond, and |n throo days' t|mo, wo w||| a|| bo
go|ng back to our rospoct|vo housos, whoro wo w||| ombraco our tam|||os, soo our ch||dron, road through tho
corrospondonco that has accumu|atod |n our absonco, show ott tho hundrods ot photos wo'vo takon, and to||
our stor|os about tho tra|n, tho c|t|os wo passod through, and tho poop|o wo mot a|ong tho way.
And a|| to conv|nco ourso|vos that tho journoy roa||y d|d happon. ln anothor throo days' t|mo, onco wo'ro
back |n our da||y rout|no, |t w||| too| as |t wo had novor |ott and novor mado that |ong journoy. Wo havo tho
photos, tho t|ckots, tho souvon|rs, but t|mo-tho on|y abso|uto, otorna| mastor ot our ||vos-w||| bo to|||ng us:
Yoo oovor |ot tbls booso, tbls room, tbls compotor.
1wo wooks? What's that |n a who|o ||tot|mo? loth|ng has changod |n tho stroot. 1ho no|ghbors aro st|||
goss|p|ng about tho samo o|d th|ngs, tho nowspapor you bought th|s morn|ng carr|os oxact|y tho samo
nows: tho Wor|d Cup about to start |n Gormany, tho dobato ovor whothor lran shou|d bo a||owod to havo
nuc|oar woapons, tho lsrao||-la|ost|n|an cont||ct, tho |atost co|obr|ty scanda|, tho constant comp|a|nts about
th|ngs tho govornmont prom|sod to do but hasn't.
lo, noth|ng has changod. 3ut wo-who wont ott |n soarch ot our k|ngdom and d|scovorod |ands wo had
novor soon botoro-know wo aro d|ttoront. |owovor, tho moro wo try to oxp|a|n, tho moro wo w||| porsuado
ourso|vos that th|s journoy, ||ko a|| tho othors, ox|sts on|y |n our momory. lorhaps wo w||| to|| our
grandch||dron about |t or ovon wr|to a book on tho subjoct, but what oxact|y w||| wo say?
loth|ng, or porhaps on|y what happonod outs|do, not what changod |ns|do.
Wo may novor soo ono anothor aga|n. And tho on|y porson w|th hor oyos t|xod on tho hor|zon now |s |||a|.
3ho must bo th|nk|ng about how to roso|vo th|s prob|om. lo, tor hor tho 1rans-3|bor|an la||way doosn't ond
horo. Yot sho doosn't show hor too||ngs, and whon somoono ta|ks to hor, sho rop||os k|nd|y and po||to|y,
somoth|ng sho has novor dono tor as |ong as wo'vo known oach othor.
.
YAO 1llE3 1O 31llKE Ul a convorsat|on w|th hor. |o has a|roady mado a coup|o attompts, but sho a|ways
movos away attor oxchang|ng on|y a tow words. ln tho ond, ho g|vos up and comos to jo|n mo.
What can l do?'
1ust rospoct hor s||onco.'
Yos, l agroo, but-'
l know. Voanwh||o, try th|nk|ng about yourso|t tor a chango. lomombor what tho shaman sa|d: you k|||od
God. lt you don't tako th|s opportun|ty to br|ng ||m back to ||to, th|s journoy w||| havo boon a wasto ot t|mo. l
know a |ot ot poop|o who ho|p othors s|mp|y as a way ot avo|d|ng tho|r own prob|oms.'
Yao pats mo on tho back as |t to say l undorstand,' thon |oavos mo a|ono to gazo out to soa.
low that l'vo roachod tho tarthost po|nt |n my journoy, my w|to |s onco moro by my s|do. 1hat attornoon, l
mot somo moro roadors, had tho usua| party, v|s|tod tho |oca| protoct, and, tor tho t|rst t|mo |n my ||to, ho|d |n
my hands a roa| Ka|ashn|kov, tho ono tho protoct koops |n h|s ott|co. As wo woro |oav|ng, l not|cod tho
nowspapor |y|ng on h|s dosk. l don't undorstand a word ot luss|an, but tho photos spoko tor thomso|vos:
tootba||.
1ho Wor|d Cup |s duo to start |n a tow days' t|mo! 3ho's wa|t|ng tor mo |n Vun|ch, whoro wo w||| moot vory
short|y. l'|| to|| hor how much l'vo m|ssod hor and doscr|bo |n dota|| what happonod botwoon mo and |||a|.
3ho'|| say, l|oaso, l'vo hoard th|s story tour t|mos a|roady,' and wo'|| go out tor a dr|nk at somo Gorman
Blorko||or.
l d|dn't mako th|s journoy |n ordor to t|nd tho words m|ss|ng trom my ||to but to bo tho k|ng ot my own wor|d
aga|n. And |t's horo that l'm back |n touch w|th myso|t and w|th tho mag|ca| un|vorso a|| around mo.
Yos, l cou|d havo roachod tho samo conc|us|ons w|thout ovor |oav|ng 3raz||, but just ||ko 3ant|ago, tho
shophord boy |n ono ot my books, somot|mos you havo to travo| a |ong way to t|nd what |s noar. Whon tho
ra|n roturns to oarth, |t br|ngs w|th |t tho th|ngs ot tho a|r. 1ho mag|ca| and tho oxtraord|nary aro w|th mo and
w|th ovoryono |n tho Un|vorso a|| tho t|mo, but somot|mos wo torgot and nood to bo rom|ndod, ovon |t wo
havo to cross tho |argost cont|nont |n tho wor|d trom ono s|do to tho othor. Wo roturn |adon w|th troasuros
that m|ght ond up gott|ng bur|od aga|n, and thon wo w||| havo to sot ott onco moro |n soarch ot thom. 1hat's
what makos ||to |ntorost|ng-bo||ov|ng |n troasuros and |n m|rac|os.
lot's co|obrato. ls thoro any vodka on tho boat?'
lo, thoro |sn't, and |||a| t|xos mo w|th angry oyos.
Co|obrato what? 1ho tact that l'm go|ng to bo stuck horo a|ono unt|| l got tho tra|n a|| tho way back and
spond ond|oss days and n|ghts th|nk|ng about ovoryth|ng wo'vo boon through togothor?'
lo, l nood to co|obrato what l'vo just oxpor|oncod, to ra|so a g|ass to myso|t. And you nood to toast your
courago. You sot ott |n soarch ot advonturo, and you tound |t. You m|ght bo sad tor a wh||o, but somoono |s
suro to ||ght a t|ro on a noarby mounta|n. You'|| soo tho ||ght, go toward |t, and t|nd tho man you'vo boon
|ook|ng tor a|| your ||to. You'ro young, and, you know, l sonsod |ast n|ght that |t wasn't your hands p|ay|ng tho
v|o||n but tho hands ot God. lot God uso your hands. You wl|| bo happy, ovon |t r|ght now you too| on|y
dospa|r.'
You havo abso|uto|y no |doa what l'm too||ng. You'ro just an ogot|st who th|nks tho wor|d owos you
somoth|ng. l gavo myso|t to you ont|ro|y, and yot horo l am aga|n, bo|ng |ott h|gh and dry.'
1horo's no po|nt |n argu|ng, but l know sho's r|ght. 1hat's how |t w||| bo. l'm t|tty-n|no and sho's twonty-ono.
WE GO 3ACK 1O 1|E llACE whoro wo'ro stay|ng. lot a hoto| th|s t|mo but a vast houso bu||t |n 1074 tor a
summ|t on d|sarmamont botwoon loon|d 3rozhnov, thon gonora|-socrotary ot tho Commun|st larty ot tho
3ov|ot Un|on, and tho Amor|can pros|dont at tho t|mo, Gora|d |ord. lt |s mado a|| ot wh|to marb|o, w|th a vast
ha|| |n tho m|dd|o and a sor|os ot rooms |oad|ng ott |t. 1hoso must onco havo boon |ntondod tor po||t|ca|
do|ogat|ons but aro now usod tor occas|ona| guosts.
Wo |ntond to tako a showor, chango our c|othos, and go stra|ght out to suppor |n tho c|ty, tar trom that
ch|||y atmosphoro. |owovor, a man |s stand|ng r|ght |n tho m|dd|o ot tho ha||. Vy pub||shors go ovor to h|m.
Yao and l koop a prudont d|stanco.
1ho man takos out h|s co|| phono and d|a|s a numbor. low my pub||shor |s spoak|ng rospocttu||y |nto tho
phono, h|s oyos br|ght w|th happ|noss. Vy od|tor |s sm|||ng, too. Vy pub||shor's vo|co ochoos around tho
marb|o wa||s.
What's go|ng on?' l ask.
You'|| t|nd out |n a m|nuto,' answors Yao.
Vy pub||shor turns ott tho phono and comos toward mo, boam|ng.
Wo'ro go|ng back to Voscow tomorrow,' ho says. Wo havo to bo thoro by t|vo |n tho attornoon.'
Woron't wo go|ng to stay horo tor a coup|o ot days? l havon't ovon had t|mo tor a wandor around tho c|ty.
3os|dos, |t's a n|no-hour t||ght to Voscow. |ow cou|d wo poss|b|y bo thoro by t|vo o'c|ock?'
1horo's a sovon-hour t|mo d|ttoronco. lt wo |oavo horo at m|dday, wo'|| bo thoro by two. 1hat's p|onty ot
t|mo. l'm go|ng to canco| tho rostaurant book|ng th|s ovon|ng and ask thom to sorvo suppor horo. l'vo got a
|ot ot arrang|ng to do.'
3ut why tho urgoncy? Vy p|ano tor Gormany |oavos on-'
|o |ntorrupts mo, say|ng, lt sooms that lros|dont v|ad|m|r lut|n has road a|| about your journoy and
wou|d ||ko to moot you.'
1ho 5ouI ot 1urkoy
Al0 W|A1 A3OU1 VE?'
Vy pub||shor turns to |||a|.
lt was your doc|s|on to como w|th us, and you can go back how and whon you want. lt's noth|ng to do w|th
us.'
1ho man w|th tho co|| phono has van|shod. Vy pub||shors |oavo, and Yao goos w|th thom. |||a| and l aro
a|ono |n tho m|dd|o ot that vast, oppross|vo marb|o ha||way.
Evoryth|ng happonod so tast that wo st||| havon't rocovorod trom tho shock. l had no |doa lros|dont lut|n
ovon know about my journoy. |||a| cannot bo||ovo that th|ngs aro go|ng to ond so abrupt|y, so suddon|y,
w|thout hor hav|ng anothor opportun|ty to ta|k to mo ot |ovo, to oxp|a|n how |mportant ovoryth|ng wo'vo
oxpor|oncod |s tor our ||vos and that wo shou|d carry on, ovon |t l am marr|od. 1hat, at |oast, |s what l
|mag|no |s go|ng through hor m|nd.
Yoo coo`t oo tbls to mo! Yoo coo`t jost |oovo mo boro! Yoo kl||oo mo ooco bocooso yoo oloo`t bovo tbo
gots to soy oo,' ooo oow yoo`ro golog to kl|| mo ogolo!
3ho runs to hor room, and l toar tho worst. lt sho's sor|ous, anyth|ng |s poss|b|o. l want to phono my
pub||shor and ask h|m to buy a t|ckot tor hor, othorw|so, wo cou|d bo tacod by a torr|b|o tragody, and thon
thoro w||| bo no moot|ng w|th lut|n, no k|ngdom, no rodompt|on, no conquost, and my b|g advonturo w||| ond
|n su|c|do and doath. l run to hor room, wh|ch |s on tho socond t|oor, but sho has a|roady oponod tho
w|ndows.
3top! You won't k||| yourso|t |t you jump trom th|s ho|ght-you'|| just bo cr|pp|od tor tho rost ot your ||to.'
3ho |sn't ||ston|ng. l havo to stay ca|m and |n contro| ot tho s|tuat|on. l havo to bo as author|tat|vo as sho
was |n 3a|ka| whon sho ordorod mo not to turn around and soo hor nakod. A thousand thoughts go through
my m|nd, and l tako tho oas|ost routo.
look, l |ovo you. l wou|d novor |oavo you horo a|ono.'
3ho knows th|s |sn't truo, but my words ot |ovo havo an |nstantanoous ottoct.
You |ovo mo ||ko a r|vor, you sa|d, but l |ovo you tho way a woman |ovos a man.'
|||a| doosn't want to d|o. lt sho d|d, sho wou|d havo sa|d noth|ng. 3ut qu|to apart trom tho words sho usod,
hor vo|co |s say|ng, You'ro part ot mo, tho most |mportant part, and |t's bo|ng |ott boh|nd. l w||| novor bo tho
porson l was.' 3ho's qu|to wrong, but th|s |s not tho momont to oxp|a|n somoth|ng sho won't undorstand.
And l |ovo you tho way a man |ovos a woman, as l d|d botoro and a|ways w||| tor as |ong as tho wor|d
ox|sts. l oxp|a|nod to you onco: t|mo doosn't pass. 0o l havo to say |t aga|n?'
3ho turns around.
1hat's a ||o. l|to |s a droam trom wh|ch wo wako on|y whon wo moot doath. 1|mo passos wh||o wo ||vo.
l'm a mus|c|an, and l havo to doa| w|th tho t|mo ot mus|ca| notat|on ovory day. lt t|mo d|dn't ox|st, thoro wou|d
bo no mus|c.'
3ho's spoak|ng cohoront|y now. And l do |ovo hor. lot as a woman, but l do |ovo hor.
Vus|c |sn't a succoss|on ot notos. lt's tho constant movomont ot a noto botwoon sound and s||onco,' l
say.
What do you know about mus|c? Evon |t you woro r|ght, what doos |t mattor now? You'ro a pr|sonor ot
your past, and so am l. lt l |ovod you |n ono ||to, l w||| cont|nuo to |ovo you torovor! l havo no hoart, no body, no
sou|, noth|ng! A|| l havo |s |ovo. You th|nk l ox|st, but that's just an opt|ca| |||us|on. What you'ro soo|ng |s lovo
|n |ts purost stato, yoarn|ng to rovoa| |tso|t, but thoro |s no t|mo or spaco whoro |t can do that.'
3ho movos away trom tho w|ndow and starts pac|ng up and down tho room. 3ho has no |ntont|on ot
throw|ng horso|t out tho w|ndow now. Apart trom hor tootstops on tho woodon t|oor, a|| l can hoar |s tho
|ntorna| t|ck-tock ot a c|ock, prov|ng mo wrong about t|mo. 1|mo doos ox|st, and, at that vory momont, |t |s
bus||y consum|ng us. l nood Yao, that poor man through whoso sou| tho b|ack w|nd ot |ono||noss st||| b|ows
but who a|ways too|s good whonovor ho can ho|p somoono o|so, ho cou|d havo ca|mod hor down.
Go back to your w|to! Go back to tho woman who has a|ways boon by your s|do through th|ck and th|n!
3ho's gonorous, |ov|ng, to|orant, and l'm ovoryth|ng you hato: comp||catod, aggross|vo, obsoss|vo, capab|o
ot anyth|ng!'
What r|ght havo you to ta|k about my w|to?'
l am onco aga|n |os|ng contro| ot tho s|tuat|on.
l'|| say what l ||ko. You novor cou|d contro| mo, and you novor w|||!'
Koop co|m. Koop to|klog, ooo sbo`|| qolot oowo. 3ut l'vo novor soon anyono |n such a stato botoro. l try
anothor tack.
1hon bo g|ad that no ono can contro| you. Co|obrato tho tact that you woro bravo onough to r|sk your
caroor and sot ott |n soarch ot advonturo, and t|nd |t, too. lomombor what l sa|d on tho boat: somoono, ono
day, w||| ||ght tho sacrod t|ro tor you. And trom now on, |t won't bo yoor t|ngors p|ay|ng tho v|o||n but tho
ango|s'. lot God uso your hands. Your too||ngs ot b|ttornoss w||| ovontua||y d|sappoar, and tho porson tato
has p|acod |n your path w||| arr|vo boar|ng a bouquot ot happ|noss |n h|s hands, and thon ovoryth|ng w||| bo
t|no. l|ght now, you too| dosporato and th|nk l'm |y|ng, but that's how |t w||| bo.'
1oo |ato.
l havo sa|d proc|so|y tho wrong th|ng, wh|ch cou|d bo summar|zod |n just two words: Grow up.' lo woman
l'vo ovor known wou|d havo accoptod that p|oco ot adv|co.
|||a| p|cks up a hoavy mota| |amp, r|ps tho p|ug out ot tho wa||, and hur|s tho |amp |n my d|roct|on. l
manago to catch |t botoro |t h|ts my taco, but now sho's s|app|ng mo as hard as sho can. l drop tho |amp
and try to grab hor arms but ta||. A t|st h|ts my noso, and b|ood spurts |n a|| d|roct|ons.
3ho and l aro covorod |n my b|ood.
7bo soo| o 7orkoy wl|| glvo yoor bosbooo o|| tbo |ovo sbo possossos, bot sbo wl|| spl|| bls b|ooo
booro sbo rovoo|s wbot lt ls sbo ls sooklog.'
l|ght, como w|th mo!'
.
VY 1OlE O| vOlCE has changod comp|oto|y. 3ho stops h|tt|ng mo. l tako hor by tho arm and drag hor out ot
tho room.
Como w|th mo!'
1horo's no t|mo tor oxp|anat|ons. l run down tho sta|rs, tak|ng w|th mo a |||a| who |s now moro tr|ghtonod
than angry. Vy hoart |s pound|ng. Wo hurry out ot tho bu||d|ng. 1ho car that was supposod to bo tak|ng mo to
suppor |s st||| wa|t|ng.
1o tho tra|n stat|on!'
1ho dr|vor |ooks at mo uncomprohond|ng|y. l opon tho door, shovo |||a| |ns|do, thon got |n attor hor.
1o|| h|m to go stra|ght to tho tra|n stat|on!'
3ho ropoats my words |n luss|an, and tho dr|vor oboys.
1o|| h|m to |gnoro any spood ||m|ts. l'|| mako |t a|| r|ght w|th h|m attorward. Wo nood to got thoro tast!'
1ho man sooms to ||ko what ho hoars. |o racos ott, t|ros squoa||ng on ovory bond, and othor cars brako
whon thoy spot tho car's ott|c|a| |ns|gn|a. 1o my surpr|so, ho has a s|ron, wh|ch ho p|acos on tho root. Vy
t|ngors aro d|gg|ng |nto |||a|'s arm.
You'ro hurt|ng mo!' sho says.
l ro|ax tho prossuro. l'm pray|ng, ask|ng God to ho|p mo, to mako suro l arr|vo |n t|mo and that ovoryth|ng
|s whoro |t shou|d bo.
|||a| |s ta|k|ng to mo, bogg|ng mo to ca|m down, apo|og|z|ng tor act|ng tho way sho d|d, say|ng that sho
hadn't roa||y |ntondod to k||| horso|t, that |t was a|| an act. lo ono who tru|y |ovos somoono wou|d dostroy
thom or thomso|vos, and sho wou|d novor |ot mo spond anothor |ncarnat|on suttor|ng and b|am|ng myso|t tor
what had happonod-onco was onough. l wou|d ||ko to bo ab|o to rospond, but l'm not roa||y to||ow|ng what
sho's say|ng.
1on m|nutos |ator, tho car scroochos to a ha|t outs|do tho tra|n stat|on.
l opon tho door and drag |||a| out ot tho car and |nto tho stat|on, whoro wo t|nd tho barr|or to tho p|attorm
c|osod. l try to push my way through, on|y to soo two mass|vo guards hovo |nto v|ow. |||a| |oavos mo a|ono
tor a momont, and tor tho t|rst t|mo dur|ng that who|o journoy l too| |ost, unsuro ot how to procood. l nood hor
by my s|do. W|thout hor, noth|ng, abso|uto|y noth|ng, w||| bo poss|b|o. l s|t down on tho ground. 1ho mon |ook
at my b|ood-spattorod taco and c|othos. 1hoy como ovor and gosturo to mo to got up, thon start ask|ng
quost|ons. l try to oxp|a|n that l don't spoak luss|an, but thoy bocomo |ncroas|ng|y aggross|vo. Othor poop|o
bog|n to gathor to soo what's go|ng on.
|||a| roappoars w|th tho dr|vor. |o doosn't ra|so h|s vo|co, but what ho says to tho guards br|ngs about a
comp|oto chango ot att|tudo. l havo no t|mo to |oso. 1horo's somoth|ng l must do. 1ho guards push tho
on|ookors as|do. 1ho way ahoad |s now troo. l tako |||a|'s hand. Wo wa|k onto tho p|attorm and run down to
tho ond, whoro ovoryth|ng |s |n darknoss. ln tho g|oom, l can just mako out tho |ast carr|ago.
Yos, lt`s stl|| tboro!
l put my arms around |||a| wh||o l rocovor my broath. Vy hoart |s boat|ng tur|ous|y trom tho phys|ca| ottort
and trom tho adrona||no cours|ng through my vo|ns. l too| s||ght|y d|zzy. l d|dn't havo much to oat at |unch, but
l mustn't ta|nt now. 1ho sou| ot 1urkoy w||| show mo what l nood to soo. |||a| |s strok|ng mo as |t l woro hor
ch||d, to|||ng mo to ca|m down, sho's thoro by my s|do, and no harm w||| como to mo.
l broatho doop|y, and my pu|so gradua||y roturns to norma|.
Como w|th mo.'
1ho door |s opon. lo ono wou|d daro got on a tra|n |n luss|a |n ordor to stoa| anyth|ng. Wo ontor tho
carr|ago. l mako hor stand w|th hor back aga|nst tho wa|| |n tho vost|bu|o, as l had at tho vory bog|nn|ng ot
that ond|oss journoy. Our tacos aro vory c|oso, as |t tho noxt stop w||| bo a k|ss. A d|stant ||ght, porhaps trom
a |amp on anothor p|attorm, |s rot|octod |n hor oyos.
And ovon though wo'ro |n comp|oto darknoss, sho and l w||| bo ab|o to soo. 1h|s |s whoro tho A|oph |s.
1|mo suddon|y changos troquoncy, and wo'ro propo||od at spood down a dark tunno|. 3ho knows what's
happon|ng now, and so won't bo tr|ghtonod.
1ako my hand, and |ot's go togothor |nto tho othor wor|d, Now!'
Camo|s and dosorts appoar, ra|ns and w|nds, tho tounta|n |n a v|||ago |n tho lyronoos, tho watorta|| at tho
Vonastor|o do l|odra, tho lr|sh coast, a cornor ot a stroot |n what |ooks ||ko london, womon on motorb|kos,
a prophot stand|ng at tho toot ot tho sacrod mounta|n, tho cathodra| |n 3ant|ago do Composto|a, prost|tutos
wa|t|ng tor c||onts |n Gonova, w|tchos danc|ng nakod around a t|ro, a man propar|ng to shoot h|s w|to and
hor |ovor, tho stoppos ot somo country |n As|a whoro a woman |s woav|ng boaut|tu| tapostr|os wh||o sho
wa|ts tor hor man to roturn, mad poop|o |n a hosp|ta|, tho soas w|th a|| tho|r t|sh, and tho Un|vorso w|th oach
and ovory star. 1ho sound ot bab|os bo|ng born, o|d mon dy|ng, cars brak|ng, womon s|ng|ng, mon curs|ng,
and doors, doors, and moro doors.
l go through a|| tho ||vos l havo ||vod, w||| ||vo, and am ||v|ng. l'm a man |n a tra|n w|th a woman, a wr|tor |n
|ato-n|notoonth-contury |ranco, l am tho many poop|o l was and w||| bo. Wo go through tho door l want to go
through. 1ho hand l am ho|d|ng d|sappoars.
Around mo, a crowd smo|||ng ot boor and w|no |s guttaw|ng, shout|ng, and hur||ng |nsu|ts.
|EVAlE vOlCE3 AlE CAllllG 1O VE. l too| ashamod and try to |gnoro thom, but tho vo|cos |ns|st. Othor poop|o |n
tho crowd comp||mont mo: 3o l was tho porson rospons|b|o, was l? 3av|ng tho town trom horosy and s|n!
1ho g|r|s' vo|cos cont|nuo to ca|| my namo.
l havo boon coward|y onough to |ast mo tor tho rost ot my ||to. l s|ow|y ra|so my hoad.
1ho cart has a|most passod by, anothor socond and l wou|d hoar noth|ng moro. 3ut now l am |ook|ng at
thom. 0osp|to tho hum|||at|ons thoy havo boon through, thoy soom qu|to sorono, as |t thoy had maturod,
grown up, marr|od, and had ch||dron, and woro now ca|m|y hoad|ng tor doath, tho tato ot a|| human bo|ngs.
1hoy strugg|od wh||o thoy cou|d, but at somo po|nt thoy must havo undorstood that th|s was tho|r tato, sot
down |ong botoro thoy woro born. On|y two th|ngs can rovoa| ||to's groat socrots: suttor|ng and |ovo. 1hoy
havo oxpor|oncod both.
And that |s what l soo |n tho|r oyos: |ovo. Wo had p|ayod togothor at bo|ng pr|ncos and pr|ncossos, mado
p|ans tor tho tuturo, as a|| ch||dron do. l|to doc|dod to soparato us. l choso to sorvo God, and thoy to||owod a
d|ttoront path.
l am twonty, s||ght|y o|dor than tho g|r|s now gaz|ng gratotu||y down at mo bocauso l havo t|na||y do|gnod to
|ook at thom. A groat wo|ght ||os on my sou|, though, a wo|ght tu|| ot contrad|ct|ons and gu||t at novor hav|ng
had tho courago to say lo,' and a|| |n tho namo ot an absurd sonso ot obod|onco that l wou|d ||ko to bo||ovo
was truo and |og|ca|.
1ho g|r|s aro st||| |ook|ng at mo, and that socond |asts tor an otorn|ty. Ono ot thom aga|n ca||s out my
namo. l movo my ||ps s||ont|y so that on|y thoy can undorstand: |org|vo mo.'
1horo's no nood,' ono ot thom says. Wo ta|kod w|th tho sp|r|ts, and thoy rovoa|od to us what wou|d
happon. 1ho t|mo tor toar has passod, now thoro |s on|y tho t|mo ot hopo. Aro wo gu||ty? Ono day, tho wor|d
w||| judgo us and wo w||| not bo tho onos to too| ashamod. Wo w||| moot aga|n |n tho tuturo, whon your ||to
and work w||| bo dod|catod to thoso who aro so soro|y m|sundorstood today. Your vo|co w||| spoak out
|oud|y, and many w||| ||ston to you.'
1ho cart |s mov|ng ott, and l start to run a|ong bos|do |t, dosp|to bo|ng pushod away by tho guards.
lovo w||| conquor hatrod,' says anothor ot tho g|r|s, spoak|ng as ca|m|y as |t wo woro st||| |n tho torosts
and woods ot our ch||dhood. Whon tho t|mo comos, thoso who aro burnod today w||| bo oxa|tod. W|zards
and a|chom|sts w||| roturn, tho Goddoss w||| bo wo|comod and w|tchos co|obratod. And a|| tor tho groatnoss
ot God. 1hat |s tho b|oss|ng wo p|aco on your hoad now, unt|| tho ond ot t|mo.'
A guard punchos mo |n tho stomach, and l doub|o up, a|| tho broath knockod out ot mo, but st||| l |ook up.
1ho cart |s mov|ng past now, and l won't bo ab|o to catch |t aga|n.
l lU3| |llAl AWAY. Wo aro back on tho tra|n.
l cou|dn't soo c|oar|y,' sho says. lt |ookod ||ko a crowd shout|ng, and thoro was a man woar|ng a hood. l
th|nk |t was you, but l'm not suro.'
0on't worry.'
0|d you got tho answor you noodod?'
l wou|d ||ko to say, Yos, l t|na||y undorstand my dost|ny,' but my vo|co |s chokod w|th toars.
You won't |oavo mo a|ono |n th|s c|ty, w||| you?'
l put my arms around hor.
Ot courso l won't.'
Noacow, Juno 1, 2000
1|A1 llG|1, whon wo roturn to tho hoto|, Yao |s thoro, wa|t|ng tor |||a| w|th a roturn t|ckot to Voscow. Wo w|||
t|y back on tho samo p|ano, a|though |n d|ttoront c|assos. Vy pub||shors cannot accompany mo to my
aud|onco w|th v|ad|m|r lut|n, but a journa||st tr|ond ot m|no has porm|ss|on to do so.
Whon tho p|ano |ands, |||a| and l |oavo through d|ttoront ox|ts. l am |od |nto a spoc|a| room, whoro two
mon and my tr|ond aro wa|t|ng. l ask to go to tho torm|na| whoro tho othor passongors aro d|sombark|ng,
say|ng that l nood to say good-byo to somoono. Ono ot tho mon says thoro |sn't t|mo, but my tr|ond po|nts
out that |t's on|y two |n tho attornoon and tho moot|ng |sn't unt|| t|vo. And ovon |t tho pros|dont woro wa|t|ng
tor mo at tho houso outs|do Voscow whoro ho's usua||y to bo tound at th|s t|mo ot yoar, |t w||| tako us, at
most, t|tty m|nutos to got thoro.
3os|dos, |t thoro's any prob|om, your cars aro t|ttod w|th s|rons, aron't thoy?' ho says jok|ng|y.
Wo mako our way to tho othor torm|na|. l ontor a t|or|st's and buy a dozon rosos. Wo roach tho arr|va|s
gato, wh|ch |s crowdod w|th poop|o wa|t|ng tor tr|onds and ro|at|vos arr|v|ng trom tar-t|ung p|acos.
0oos anyono horo undorstand Eng||sh?' l shout.
loop|o |ook start|od, doubt|oss bocauso ot tho throo bur|y mon w|th mo.
0oos anyono spoak Eng||sh?'
A tow hands aro ra|sod. l show thom tho bouquot ot rosos.
A young woman whom l |ovo vory much w||| bo arr|v|ng short|y. l nood o|ovon vo|untoors to ho|p mo g|vo
hor thoso t|owors.'
E|ovon vo|untoors |mmod|ato|y appoar by my s|do. Wo torm a quouo. |||a| comos out ot tho ma|n door,
soos mo, sm||os, and hoads stra|ght tor mo. Ono by ono tho vo|untoors hand hor tho rosos. 3ho |ooks ha|t
contusod and ha|t happy. Whon sho t|na||y roachos mo, l hand hor tho two|tth roso and to|d hor |n tho
warmost ot ombracos.
Aron't you go|ng to to|| mo you |ovo mo?' sho asks, try|ng to koop contro| ot tho s|tuat|on.
Yos. l |ovo you ||ko a r|vor. 3ut now wo must say good-byo.'
Good-byo?' sho says w|th a |augh. You'ro not go|ng to got r|d ot mo that oas||y.'
1ho two mon who aro to bo my oscorts suddon|y say somoth|ng |n luss|an. Vy journa||st tr|ond |aughs. l
ask h|m what thoy sa|d, but |||a| horso|t trans|atos.
1hoy sa|d |t's tho most romant|c th|ng thoy'vo ovor soon |n th|s a|rport.'
5olot Ooorgo`s Loy, 2010
Author'a Noto
l VE1 |llAl AGAll |n 3optombor 2000 whon l |nv|tod hor to tako part |n a contoronco at tho Vonastory ot Vo|k
|n Austr|a. Wo travo|od trom thoro to 3arco|ona, thon on to lamp|ona and 3urgos. lt was |n ono ot thoso
c|t|os that sho to|d mo sho had |ott mus|c schoo| and g|von up p|ay|ng tho v|o||n. l tr|od to conv|nco hor to
rocons|dor, but somoth|ng |ns|do to|d mo that sho, too, had bocomo quoon ot hor wor|d aga|n and noodod
to ru|o ovor hor own roa|m.
Wh||o l was wr|t|ng th|s book, |||a| sont mo two o-ma||s say|ng that sho had droamod l was wr|t|ng about
what had happonod botwoon us. l askod hor to bo pat|ont, and to|d hor about tho book on|y whon l had
t|n|shod wr|t|ng |t. 3ho d|dn't appoar to bo surpr|sod |n tho |oast.
l wondor |t l was r|ght to th|nk that |t l m|ssod that opportun|ty w|th |||a|, l wou|d havo anothor throo chancos
(attor a||, o|ght g|r|s woro to bo oxocutod that day, and l had a|roady mot t|vo ot thom). l doubt now that l w|||
ovor know, ot tho o|ght g|r|s condomnod to doath, on|y ono roa||y |ovod mo, tho g|r| whoso namo l novor
know.
l no |ongor work w|th lona, Yur| 3m|rnov, and tho 3ot|a lub||sh|ng |ouso, but l wou|d ||ko to thank thom
tor tho un|quo oxpor|onco ot travo||ng across luss|a by tra|n.
1ho prayor ot torg|vonoss usod by |||a| |n lovos|b|rsk |s ono that has a|roady boon channo|od by othor
poop|o. Whon l say |n tho book that l had hoard |t botoro |n 3raz||, l am rotorr|ng to tho sp|r|t ot Andro lu|z, a
||tt|o boy.
||na||y, l wou|d ||ko to warn aga|nst tho uso ot tho r|ng-ot-||ght oxorc|so. As l mont|onod oar||or, any roturn
to tho past w|th no know|odgo ot tho procoss can havo dramat|c and d|sastrous consoquoncos.
A|oph
by lau|o Coo|ho
Roading Crou Cuido
1ho Origin ot tho AIoh
ln 104b, 1orgos lu|s 3orgos pub||shod 1ho A|oph,' a crypt|c short story that |ntroducod h|s roadors to a
now and provocat|vo sp|r|tua| concopt. ln |t, tho narrator-a t|ct|ona||zod vors|on ot 3orgos h|mso|t-|s
tomptod |nto a dark co||ar by a poot and onomy who c|a|ms that |t conta|ns tho truo sourco ot h|s croat|v|ty: a
sma|| spot that ho ca||od tho A|oph, or tho on|y p|aco on oarth whoro a|| p|acos aro-soon trom ovory ang|o,
oach stand|ng c|oar, w|thout any contus|on or b|ond|ng.' 3usp|c|ous ot tho poot's mot|vos, tho narrator |s
nonotho|oss dazz|od by tho v|s|ons and sonsat|ons that ovortako h|m whon ho stops past tho narrow
trapdoor. 1ho A|oph's d|amotor was probab|y ||tt|o moro than an |nch,' ho wr|tos, but a|| spaco was thoro,
actua| and und|m|n|shod.. l saw tho toom|ng soa, l saw daybroak and n|ghtta||.. l saw tho A|oph trom
ovory po|nt and ang|o, and |n tho A|oph l saw tho oarth and |n tho oarth tho A|oph and |n tho A|oph tho oarth.'
Ovorwho|mod, tho narrator staggors upsta|rs to tho wa|t|ng poot and onacts tho u|t|mato rovongo: ho
protonds ho has soon noth|ng and rocommonds that tho man tako advantago ot tho curat|vo ottocts ot
country a|r and sunsh|no. 3ut |n roa||ty, h|s ont|ro tuturo has boon a|torod, ho dod|catos h|mso|t to
d|scovor|ng a|| thoro |s to know about tho A|oph, |ts or|g|ns, and tho vory roa| poss|b|||ty that thoso mag|ca|
po|nts ot |nt|n|to undorstand|ng ox|st a|| ovor tho wor|d.
About 1hia Book
W| th A|opb, |ntornat|ona||y bost-so|||ng author lau|o Coo|ho takos tho concopt ot tho A|oph to now
ho|ghts, sp|nn|ng |t |nto a novo| that r|va|s 7bo A|cbomlst |n |ts capac|ty to transtorm thoso who road |t. l|ko
tho narrator croatod by 3orgos, A|opb's narrator sharos koy dota||s w|th h|s croator: h|s namo |s lau|o, and
ho's a succosstu| author w|th a dovotod wor|dw|do to||ow|ng. |owovor, th|s lau|o |s tac|ng a gravo sp|r|tua|
cr|s|s, ono that throatons to undo h|s docados-|ong soarch tor w|sdom and undorstand|ng. Whon lau|o
posos tho prob|om to h|s montor |n tho mag|ca| 1rad|t|on, ho's ottorod a contrad|ctory so|ut|on. You'ro not
horo anymoro,' h|s montor says. You'vo got to |oavo |n ordor to roturn to tho prosont.'
At t|rst lau|o |s skopt|ca|, botwoon h|s prov|ous sp|r|tua| quosts and promot|ng h|s books, ho's travo|od
oxtons|vo|y and |s t|rod ot doa||ng w|th contus|ng |anguagos and ovon moro contus|ng curroncy. 3ut whon
ho's prosontod w|th tho raro opportun|ty to go on tour v|a tho 1rans-3|bor|an la||way, ho trusts h|s montor's
|nst|ncts and ombarks on a voyago that ho hopos w||| rov|ta||zo h|s pass|on tor ||to. |o novor oxpocts to
moot |||a|, a young v|o||n|st who torvont|y |ns|sts that lau|o can hoa| hor pa|n. |o's ovon moro aston|shod
whon a chanco oncountor |n an ompty tra|n car thrusts thom both |nto an A|oph, |oav|ng tho two w|th v|s|ons
ot a sharod past ||to and a dovastat|ng botraya| that provonts thom trom t|nd|ng happ|noss |n th|s ||tot|mo. As
thoy ombraco tho ||m|t|oss powor ot tho A|oph and subm|t to tho morcy ot tho Un|vorso, thoy-and A|opb's
roadors-ga|n a chanco to rowr|to tho|r dost|ny. lnsp|r|ng, transtormat|vo, and tu|| ot Coo|ho's un|quo b|ond
ot sp|r|tua| and pract|ca| w|sdom, A|opb |s not just a book to road, |t's a book to ||vo.
Ouoationa tor Diacuaaion
1. A|opb |s a novo| tu|| ot r|tua|s, start|ng w|th lau|o and 1.'s opon|ng |nvocat|on around tho sacrod oak.
|owovor, lau|o's roact|on to thom var|os w||d|y, somot|mos thoy trustrato h|m (tho oak), somot|mos ho
ombracos thom (tho shaman's m|dn|ght chant on tho odgos ot lako 3a|ka|), and othor t|mos ho
cr|t|c|zos thom tor bo|ng ompty (|||a|'s ottor|ng at tho church |n lovos|b|rsk). Why do you th|nk th|s |s?
0o you th|nk th|s has to do w|th tho r|tua|s thomso|vos or |s Coo|ho try|ng to oxpross somoth|ng doopor
about tho naturo and purposo ot r|tua|? What va|uo can r|tua| havo |n your own ||to?
2. 0ur|ng h|s |n|t|a| argumont w|th 1., lau|o says: Wo human bo|ngs havo onormous d|tt|cu|ty |n
tocus|ng on tho prosont, wo'ro a|ways th|nk|ng about what wo d|d, about how wo cou|d havo dono |t
bottor, about tho consoquoncos ot our act|ons, and about why wo d|dn't act as wo shou|d havo. Or o|so
wo th|nk about tho tuturo, about what wo'ro go|ng to do tomorrow, what procaut|ons wo shou|d tako,
what dangors awa|t us around tho noxt cornor, how to avo|d what wo don't want and how to got what wo
havo a|ways droamod ot' [th|s pago|. 0o you agroo? Why do you th|nk 1. proscr|bos travo| as a way tor
lau|o to bottor tocus on tho prosont |nstoad ot h|s past or tuturo?
8. Wh||o ho's wa|t|ng tor a s|gn that ho shou|d ombark on tho journoy 1. suggosts, lau|o th|nks about
tho naturo ot tragody. 1ragody a|ways br|ngs about rad|ca| chango |n our ||vos, a chango that |s
assoc|atod w|th tho samo pr|nc|p|o: |oss. Whon tacod by any |oss, thoro's no po|nt |n try|ng to rocovor
what has boon, |t's bost to tako advantago ot tho |argo spaco that opons up botoro us and t||| |t w|th
somoth|ng now. ln thoory, ovory |oss |s tor our own good, |n pract|co, though, that |s whon wo quost|on
tho ox|stonco ot God and ask ourso|vos: bot olo l oo to oosorvo tbls?' [th|s pago|. Vany ot A|opb's
charactors aro doa||ng w|th oxtromo porsona| tragody, trom |||a| and hor h|story ot soxua| abuso to Yao
and tho doath ot h|s w|to. 0o tho|r oxpor|oncos and strugg|os to movo torward support or contrad|ct
lau|o's statomonts?
4. lau|o troquont|y rotors to Ch|noso bamboo attor road|ng an art|c|o about |ts growth procoss: Onco
tho sood has boon sown, you soo noth|ng tor about t|vo yoars, apart trom a t|ny shoot. A|| tho growth
takos p|aco undorground, whoro a comp|ox root systom roach|ng upward and outward |s bo|ng
ostab||shod. 1hon, at tho ond ot tho t|tth yoar, tho bamboo suddon|y shoots up to a ho|ght ot twonty-t|vo
motors' [th|s pago|. |ow doos th|s tunct|on as an |mportant motaphor tor sp|r|tua| growth? What do you
th|nk aro tho bost ways to bu||d a comp|ox root systom' ot your own?
5. Coo|ho wr|tos, 1o ||vo |s to oxpor|onco th|ngs, not s|t around pondor|ng tho moan|ng ot ||to' and
ottors oxamp|os ot poop|o who havo oxpor|oncod rovo|at|ons |n var|ous ways [th|s pago|. 0o you
agroo? What poop|o or wr|t|ngs aro you tam|||ar w|th that support (or d|sprovo) h|s po|nt ot v|ow?
0. ln 1ho A|oph,' 3orgos's narrator asks, |ow, thon, can l trans|ato |nto words tho ||m|t|oss A|oph,
wh|ch my t|oundor|ng m|nd can scarco|y oncompass? Vyst|cs, tacod w|th tho samo prob|om, ta|| back
on symbo|s: . ono lors|an spoaks ot a b|rd that somohow |s a|| b|rds, A|anus do lnsu||s, ot a sphoro
whoso contor |s ovorywhoro and c|rcumtoronco |s nowhoro, Ezok|o|, ot a tour-tacod ango| who at ono
and tho samo t|mo movos oast and wost, north and south.' |ow doos Coo|ho attompt to oxp|a|n tho
A|oph? Why do you th|nk Coo|ho has lau|o and |||a| d|scovor |t on a tra|n car? 0o you th|nk |ts |ocat|on
has a |argor s|gn|t|canco tor tho story?
7. What |magos, momor|os, and omot|ons most powortu||y capturo tho mystory and tho mag|c ot tho
A|oph that lau|o and |||a| oxpor|onco on tho tra|n [th|s pago-th|s pago|? |ow do thoy attoct thom oach
as |nd|v|dua|s? ln what ways doos |t chango and doopon tho|r ro|at|onsh|p?
8. What ro|o doos Yao sorvo |n lau|o's quost? Aro thoro s|m||ar|t|os botwoon Yao, lau|o, and tho
answors thoy sook? What doos oach |oarn trom tho othor?
0. Whon Yao suggosts that lau|o bog tor monoy w|th h|m, ho oxp|a|ns, 3omo Zon 3uddh|st monks |n
1apan to|d mo about tokobotso, tho bogg|ng p||gr|mago.. 1h|s |s bocauso, accord|ng to Zon
ph||osophy, tho g|vor, tho boggar, and tho a|ms monoy |tso|t a|| torm part ot an |mportant cha|n ot
oqu|||br|um. 1ho porson do|ng tho bogg|ng doos so bocauso ho's noody, but tho porson do|ng tho
g|v|ng a|so doos so out ot nood. 1ho a|ms monoy sorvos as a ||nk botwoon thoso two noods' [th|s
pago|. |ow doos th|s ro|at|onsh|p app|y to tho ba|anco ot powor botwoon lau|o and |||a|? 3otwoon
lau|o and h|s roadors?
10. 1ho or|g|n ot lau|o's doop-soatod sonso ot gu||t comos stunn|ng|y to ||to |n h|s doscr|pt|on ot tho
lnqu|s|t|on and h|s part|c|pat|on as a pr|ost [th|s pago-th|s pago|. What |ns|ght doos th|s v|gnotto ottor
|nto horrors and |njust|cos comm|ttod |n tho namo ot ro||g|ous bo||ots? Comparo and contrast tho
ro||g|ous att|tudos horo w|th thoso portrayod |n tho prosont-day soct|ons ot A|opb. What do lau|o's
rotoroncos to tho Koran [th|s pago|, tho 3|b|o [th|s pago, th|s pago|, Uosh|ba, tho toundor ot tho
1apanoso mart|a| art ot a|k|do [th|s pago, th|s pago, and th|s pago|, and shaman|sm [th|s pago-th|s
pago| domonstrato about human bo||ots and asp|rat|ons across cu|turos and t|mo?
11. 0|scuss tho orot|c and romant|c o|omonts ot tho oncountors botwoon lau|o and |||a|-both roa|
and |mag|nod-|oad|ng up to h|s t|na| g|tt ot rosos at tho a|rport. Wou|d you c|ass|ty tho|rs as a |ovo
story? Why or why not? What d|ttoront typos ot |ovo doos Coo|ho oxp|oro?
12. Woro you tam|||ar w|th tho concopt ot past ||vos botoro road|ng A|opb? ls |t nocossary to bo||ovo |n
past ||vos to grasp tho book's mossago and moan|ng?
18. What do you th|nk Coo|ho moans whon ho wr|tos, l|to |s tho tra|n, not tho stat|on' [th|s pago|?
What about whon ho says, What wo ca|| '||to' |s a tra|n w|th many carr|agos. 3omot|mos wo'ro |n ono,
somot|mos wo'ro |n anothor, and somot|mos wo cross botwoon thom, whon wo droam or a||ow
ourso|vos to bo swopt away by tho oxtraord|nary' [th|s pago|.
5uggoationa tor Furthor Roading
l|chard 3ach, 1oootboo Llvlogstoo 5oogo||, 1orgo lu|s 3orgos, 5o|octoo Noo-llctloos, Ann|o 0|||ard, lor
tbo 7lmo Bolog, Car|os Castanoda, 7bo 7oocblogs o Loo 1ooo, Kah||| G|bran, 7bo Propbot, |orman
|osso, 5looortbo, 0an V|||man, oy o tbo Poocoo| orrlor, lobort V. l|rs|g, Zoo ooo tbo Art o
Votorcyc|o Volotooooco, Anto|no do 3a|nt-Exupory, 7bo Lltt|o Prloco
A NO1E ABOu1 1EE Au1EOR
lAUlO COEl|O |s tho author ot many |ntornat|ona| bost so||ors, |nc|ud|ng 7bo A|cbomlst,
E|ovoo Vlootos, and 7bo Pl|grlmogo. ||s books havo so|d moro than 180 m||||on cop|os |n
100 countr|os and havo boon trans|atod |nto 72 |anguagos. ln 2007, ho was namod a Un|tod
lat|ons Vossongor ot loaco. |o ||vos |n l|o do 1ano|ro, 3raz||.