Key Assumptions and Intentions of NVC

I. Assumptions Underlying the Practice of Nonviolent Communication Following are key assumptions that NVC practice is based on. Many traditions share these assumptions; NVC gives us concrete, powerful tools for putting them into practice. When we live based on these assumptions, self-connection and connection with others become increasingly possible and easy. 1. All human beings share the same needs: We all have the same needs, although the strategies we use to meet these needs may differ. Conflict occurs at the level of strategies, not at the level of needs. 2. Our world offers sufficient resources for meeting everyone's basic needs: The scarcity experienced by so many people arises because we have not designed our social structures to meet everyone's needs. We can attribute any apparent scarcity to a current systemic limitation, a crisis of imagination, or a lack of skills for fostering connection. All actions are attempts to meet needs: Our desire to meet needs, whether conscious or unconscious, underlies every action we take. We only resort to violence or other actions that do not meet our own or others' needs when we do not recognize more effective strategies for meeting needs. Feelings point to needs being met or unmet: Feelings may be triggered but not caused by others. Our feelings arise directly out of our experience of whether our needs seem to us met or unmet in a given circumstance. Our assessment of whether or not our needs are met almost invariably involves an interpretation or belief. When our needs are met, we may feel happy, satisfied, peaceful, etc. When our needs are not met, we may feel sad, scared, frustrated, etc. All human beings have the capacity for compassion: We have an innate capacity for compassion, though not always the

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knowledge of how to access it. When we are met with compassion and respect for our autonomy, we tend to have more access to our own compassion for ourselves and for others. Growing compassion contributes directly to our capacity to meet needs peacefully. 6. Human beings enjoy giving: We inherently enjoy contributing to others when we have connected with our own and others' needs and can experience our giving as coming from choice. Human beings meet needs through interdependent relationships: We meet many of our needs through our relationships with other people and with nature, though some needs are met principally through the quality of our relationship with ourselves and for some, with a spiritual dimension to life. When others' needs are not met, some needs of our own also remain unmet. Human beings change: By virtue of the constantly unfolding nature of needs and strategies to meet them, all of us are dynamic processes, not static entities. Choice is internal: Regardless of the circumstances, we can meet our need for autonomy by making conscious choices based on awareness of needs. The most direct path to peace is through self-connection: Our capacity for peace is not dependent on having our needs met. Even when many needs are unmet, meeting our need for self-connection can be sufficient for inner peace.

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II. Key Intentions when Using Nonviolent Communication We hold the following intentions when using NVC because we believe that they help us contribute to a world where everyones needs are attended to peacefully.

Open-Hearted Living 1) Self-compassion: We aim to release all self-blame, selfjudgments, and self-demands, and meet ourselves with compassion and understanding for the needs we try to meet through all our actions. Expressing from the heart: When expressing ourselves, we aim to speak from the heart, expressing our feelings and needs, and making specific, do-able requests. Receiving with compassion: When we hear others, we aim to hear the feelings and needs behind their expressions and actions, regardless of how they express themselves, even if their expression or actions do not meet our needs (e.g. judgments, demands, physical violence). Prioritizing connection: We aim to focus on connecting openheartedly with everyones needs instead of seeking immediate and potentially compromised solutions, especially in challenging situations. Beyond "right" and "wrong": We aim to transform our habit of making "right" and "wrong" assessments (moralistic judgments), and to focus instead on whether or not human needs appear met (need-based assessments).

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Choice, Responsibility, Peace Taking responsibility for our feelings: We aim to connect our feelings to our own needs, recognizing that others do not have the power to make us feel anything. This recognition empowers us to take action to meet our needs instead of waiting for others to change. Taking responsibility for our actions: We aim to recognize our choice in each moment, and take actions that we believe will most likely meet our needs. We aim to avoid taking actions motivated

by fear, guilt, shame, desire for reward, or ideas of duty or obligation. Living in peace with unmet needs: We aim to work with our feelings when we experience our needs as unmet, connecting with the needs rather than insisting on meeting them. Increasing capacity for meeting needs: We aim to develop our internal resources, particularly our NVC skills, so we can contribute to more connection and greater diversity of strategies for meeting needs. Increasing capacity for meeting the present moment: We aim to develop our capacity to connect in each moment with our own and others needs, and to respond to present stimuli in the moment instead of through static stories about who we and others are. Sharing Power (Partnership) Caring equally for everyones needs: We aim to make requests and not demands, thus staying open to the other's strategies to meet their needs. When hearing a "No" to our request, or when saying "No" to anothers request, we aim to work towards solutions that meet everyones needs, not just our own, and not just the other persons. Protective use of force: We aim to use the minimum force necessary in order to protect, not to educate, punish, or get what we want without the others agreement, and only in situations where we find that dialogue fails to meet an immediate need for physical safety. We aim to return to dialogue as soon as we have re-established a sense of physical safety.

Chapter 5 Speaking the Language of Peace

By Carolyn Duffy Chapter 5, Speaking the Language of Peace, deals with developing effective communication skills in order to carry out positive interactions in every day social situations as well as in conflict situations. For a foreign language learner, communicative competence involves knowing the rules of social behavior as well as the rules of language. In this chapter, students will explore the language needed for pro-social behaviors such as cooperation, collaboration, affirming others, and expressing feelings clearly in ways that do not accuse others - in other words, the language of peace. The activities presented in this chapter are meant to give students practice in speaking and listening attentively in an atmosphere of caring and encouragement. Teachers can use the proposed lesson by itself or expand it by adding additional activities in related lessons. The Internet Resources in this chapter provide many ideas for additional lessons that will help students to develop their awareness of behaviors that foster peace and practice language skills that promote positive social interactions.

Background Information
Learning and practicing communication skills within the framework of peace education means establishing a positive classroom atmosphere in which students work together in cooperative ways. Educators who believe that a peaceable classroom is an opportune place to instill attitudes, values, and knowledge that promote peace and non-violence have identified experiences such as cooperative learning, conflict resolution, structured controversy, and school mediation as the core of any comprehensive effort to create a peaceful school environment. 1 Kriedler (1984) has developed a self-assessment exercise for teachers about responses to classroom conflicts. 2 This exercise helps teachers to look at their own peacekeeping strategies in the classroom and identify ways that they can expand their repertoire. As teachers model the skills and the attitudes that promote a peaceable learning community, their students attitudes and values are positively enriched and shaped. In addition to the powerful effect of modeling peaceful behaviors in the classroom, explicit teaching of positive communication skills helps learners to focus directly on pro-social attitudes and behaviors and the language that accompanies them. Barbara Birch (1993) calls for teaching pro-social communicative competence in the ESOL classroom and defines such competence to include schemata building through setting up appropriate situations and activities in the classroom. For example, a "rescue" schema for pro-social competence includes being aware of others needs, knowing what kind of help to offer, and having expectations about what results will be.3 Other pro-social schemas are awareness of a limited or lacking resource, willingness to share or donate that resource, and an understanding of the consequences of the sharing or donation. Birch includes cooperation, tolerance, acting fairly, and resolving conflicts creatively as topics for classroom instruction. Pro-social knowledge structures can be developed in the classroom through reading literature or watching movies with pro-social messages. Follow-up activities, which include analysis and personal reflection on the pro-social themes, give students opportunities to practice pro-social behaviors and language in a safe and structured setting. Discussions of stories and movies can lead to role play, drama activities, dialogue construction, and personal writing, which give learners experiences in practicing pro-social behaviors. The goal

of this instruction is to establish behaviors and language in the classroom that will become an intrinsic part of the learners attitudes and values after they leave the classroom. The following list is a selection of the most common pro-social behaviors and communication skills that have been identified by peace educators for classroom instruction and practice. The first two entries are themes in previous chapters of the Peace Education volume. Speaking for a purpose. We understand that the perceptions of others may be different from our own and that what is said should serve a mutual productive purpose, such as clarification of the situation. Conflict resolution skills are important for clarifying situations. Listening attentively and reflectively. Listening to others in order to understand the whole message (the emotions, perceptions, and context as well as what was said) is an important stage in effective communication. Reflection of the whole message back to the speaker communicates that he or she has been understood. Promoting self-esteem, dignity for oneself, and respect for the feelings and rights of others . Use the language of acknowledging, labeling, and affirming pro-social behavior (e.g., generosity, being considerate, helpfulness) in the classroom in your interactions with students.4 Also, encourage students to use pro-social behaviors in the classroom. A basic starting point is to provide language activities that show students the functions of thanking, apologizing, welcoming, and other pro-social norms of behavior. This can be done through dialogues, role-plays, modeling, and other activities. Speaking about yourself instead of about the other person . It is more effective to describe an issue in terms of its impact on you rather than in terms of what the other side did or why you think they did it. Practice the use of "I" statements instead of "you" statements to clarify facts and feelings in practice situations, skits, and dialogues. Speaking with positive emotional expression. Sometimes when we are angry or highly involved in discussing an issue, we say things that do not promote effective communication. Speaking clearly and firmly so that the other person understands - but without negative emotion - involves making statements without blaming, name-calling, raising ones voice, or demanding. It means avoiding "put-downs" and the use of "loaded" negative language. We can help students to be more aware of negative emotional language and its effects on communication by analyzing scripts for instances of its use. Discussing alternative language that would clarify and improve the understanding of the listener will help learners to be more sensitive in choosing what they say and how they say it. After analyzing and discussing the scripts, students can write and act out both positive and negative versions of dialogues that contain emotional expressions, paying attention to the non-verbal as well as verbal expressions they choose to use. Understanding possible barriers to effective communication and how to diffuse them . Possible barriers to communication are the behaviors of interrupting, dominating the discussion, criticizing, judging, teasing, and using emotional language. Learners need to be able to analyze the discourse of conversations in order to identify these communication "pitfalls". Further instruction on alternate behaviors for similar situations will help learners to communicate more effectively.