Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist

CouplesIntakeQuestionnaire
1. Whatistheproblemthatledyoutodecidetocometocouplestherapy? 2. Howlonghaveyouandyourpartnerbeentogether?Inwhatform(e.g., dating,livingtogether,married)? 3. Whatinitiallyattractedyoutoyourpartner? 4. Whatwasthebeginningofyourrelationshiplikeandhowlongdidthis phaselast? 5. Whathappenedthatfirstcausedyoutofeeldisillusionedwithyour partner?Didthisleadtoanychangesinyourrelationship?

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist 2

6. Howlonghasitbeensincethingsweregoodbetweenthetwoofyou? Whatcausedthingstogodownhillafterthat? 7. Howarethetwooryousimilarandhowareyoudifferent? 8. Whatdoyoudowhenthereisconflictbetweenthetwoofyou?Whatdoes yourpartnerdo? 9. Whatdoyoudowhenyouareangrywithhim?Whatdoesyourpartnerdo whenangrywithyou? 10. Whatstrengthsandweaknessesdoyouhaveinresolvingconflict?What wouldyousayareyourpartnersstrengthsandweaknessesinresolving conflict? 11. Doyouenjoybeinginvolvedinactivitiesseparatefromyoupartner?What doyouliketodointhosesituations?

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist 3

12. Howcomfortableareyouifyourpartnerspendsfreetimeawayfromyou? 13. Doyouhaverelationshipswithotherpeoplethatcreateconflictwithyour partner,andifso,why? 14. Onascaleof1to10,howawareorintouchwithyouremotionsareyou (1=notatalland10=extremely)?Explaintheratingyougiveyourself. 15. Onascaleof1to10,howopenareyouinexpressingyourinnermost feelings,desiresandthoughtstoyourpartner(1=totallyclosedand 10=totallyopen)?Explaintheratingyougiveyourself. 16. Whatistheareaortopicthatitismostdifficultforyoutoopenwithyour partnerabout?Why? 17. Whenyoucouldusesupportorencouragementfromyourpartner,doyou getit?How?Whenyourpartnerwantssupportofencouragementfrom youdoyoufeelthatyougiveit?How?

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist 4

18. Describeyoursexualrelationship.Whatdoyoufindmostsatisfyingabout it?Whatdontyoulikeaboutit?Howhasyoursexualrelationshipchanged sinceyouwerefirsttogether? 19. Whendoyoufeelmostcontentinyourrelationship?Whendoyoufeel mostunhappyorfrustrated? 20. Onascaleof1to10,describeyourlevelofcommitmenttoyour relationship(1=notatall,10=extremely).Explaintheratingyougive yourself. 21. Onascaleof1to10,howmuchdoyoustillloveyourpartner(1=notatall, 10=verydeeply)?Explaintheratingyougiveyourself. 22. Onascaleof1to10,howmuchdoyourespectyourpartner(1=notatall, 10=veryhighly)?Whatisitabouthimthatcreatesthatlevelofrespectin you?

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist 5

23. Whatrolehaveyouplayedincontributingtotheproblemsinyour relationship;whattendenciesdoyouhaveandwhatactionshaveyou takenthathavehelpedcreateorhaveaddedtothedifficultiesbetweenyou two? 24. Ifyourrelationshipwasabookoramovie,whatwoulditbetitled?And howwoulditend? Name: Date:
This list is the original work of Ellyn Bader & Peter Pearson of the Couples Institute, Menlo Park, CA.

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist

The Relationship Institute

THE THREE INTIMACIES The central aspect of our therapeutic approach involves you learning a new way to be intimate, especially a new way to be intimate when you are fighting with your partner. This is based on you learning two skills. The first is self-intimacy, which involves being keenly aware of your own self, your feelings, desires and thoughts. And the second is a unique form of communication that is not focused on resolution of differences. Instead, it is based on helping the speaker to own that this is about him or her self, to express self clearly and to learn more about him/herself. And just as important, it is based on helping the listener to learn to listen well, to not take the others feelings, desires and thoughts personally, but rather see them as a reflection of whom the other is. We each need to take responsibility for being self-intimate, that is, being aware of our feelings and where they are coming from, and acting to take care of our self, based on what our emotions are telling us about our self and our reality. This does not mean being self-centered, only caring about our own feelings and desires enough to pay attention to them. Thats pay attention to them, not be controlled by them. Self-intimacy involves treating our feelings and desires as important, but not always as most important in our relationship. Sometimes we must choose to put or own feelings and desires aside, to not act to satisfy them when they are in conflict with our partners. One of the most mature, differentiated choices we can make in a relationship is seeing that at times acting on our partners feelings and/or needs instead of on our own is actually an expression of self-love and self-respect. Intimacy results from two people communicating well who they are, be it verbally, physically and/or through actions. This is a two-part process consisting of expressing self as well as listening to who the other is. But not all intimate behaviors are soft, warm and positive. When our partner tells us that s/he is angry with us or even that s/he no longer finds us attractive, that is an act of intimacy. It is our challenge to listen, to really try to understand where s/he is coming from and to help our partner learn about him/herself by really hearing the person and by asking questions. It is our challenge not to take what we hear defensively, not to behave defensively, not to attempt to talk our partner out of his/her feeling, desire or thought, not to put the focus of the interaction back on us, and not to attack him/her. This is what leads to conflict intimacy: the nonavoidance of painful, difficult subjects and the non-defensive reaction to them. Conflict intimacy is not focused on conflict resolution, but rather, on healthy, differentiated conflict process. As a partner in a committed relationship each of us has a responsibility to communicate to our partner through our words and actions who we are. We cripple his/her ability to be a good partner if we do not do this. How can they be a good partner to us if they do

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist

not know who we are, how we feel and what we like and dont like? In addition, if we shirk this responsibility to communicate we deny our relationship intimacy, blocking not only ourself from being able to experience the fullness of life that results from a healthy, growing, intimate relationship, but our partner as well. For the same reasons, we also have the responsibility to listen and empathize when our partner is being intimate and genuine with us. This healthy, intimate communication is difficult to achieve when we fear being rejected by him/her. This fear can often be recognized when we feel anxious and threatened by differences that we have with our partner. This fear of rejection and aloneness causes us to want to avoid the anxiety caused by the differences. As a result, we will often react in old, regressive, childhood ways. Examples of such regressive relationship reactions are: denying or acting as if we are not hurt, angry or disappointed, becoming numb and shutting down, becoming more dependent on pleasing our partner, attacking our partner either directly or passive-aggressively, becoming more dependent on pleasing our partner, moving to make premature compromises, etc. All of these types of behaviors result in distancing ourselves emotionally from not only our partner, but from our self as well. A major goal of our work with you will be to help you and your partner see that times of anxiety in your relationship present the greatest growth opportunities that each of you and your relationship will ever have. The strongest and healthiest long term, committed relationships are comprised of two people who love each other and who are each well defined, individuated individuals who have achieved healthy affection intimacy and healthy conflict intimacy. And they are both able to maintain their individuation even when they are experiencing the growing pains of the relationship. By growing pains we mean the times differences between the two of you emerge and result in relationship tension. When such growing pains occur we often regress to the primitive mechanism of symbiosis in order to avoid or eliminate the tension that the differences or changes cause. This mechanism is defined by our desire to merge with the other and in so doing eliminate the tension. We become symbiotic with our partner, co-dependent, replacing differences with similarities. Along with this tendency comes many powerful, unhealthy assumptions that can be brought to the relationship such as If you love me, you will agree with me. Also, a symbiotic request carries with it a demand for compliance that entails the other partner having to give up his/her sense of self. Such symbiosis not only stunts the growth of a relationship but also threatens its very continuance. When both members of a couple have the love, commitment and courage to not avoid these growing pains, but to embrace the tension they cause and work it through, their relationship and their love will flourish.

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist

The Three Deal Breakers

We have found that relationships are incredibly and sometimes unpredictable resilient. Drug and alcohol problems, infidelity, money problems, in-law issues and a myriad number of other conflicts do not end strong relationships, but there are three deal breakers that underlie relationship endings.

1. One or both partners never loved the other when the commitment was made. 2. Too much damage or disappointment has occurred in the course of the relationship that a partner no longer has faith and/or the capacity or desire to trust and love the other again.

3. One or both partners are unwilling to commit to doing his/her best in the relationship and own his/her negative contributions to the relationship.

We seldom find the first deal breaker as the reason for a relationship ending and more often find the third deal breaker as the underlying cause. We caution clients, readers and therapists to not give up quickly on a waning and struggling relationship. Often when partners earnestly work on taking responsibility for their part of the relationship problems and make personal changes, they learn two important things one, how hard change is for anyone, and two, that the love they once felt for their partner is still alive though foundering under years of neglect, hurt, and/or disappointment.

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist

ITS NOT ABOUT ME

Anger is the most frequently misunderstood emotion. Because of this, it is the emotion that has the most destructive effect on relationships. Since so many of us never learn how to experience and express our anger in constructive ways, it often comes out hurtfully, is taken too personally and creates alienation between us and our partners. When I feel angry I need to own it. Its not about my partner; its about who I am and how I am reacting to my perceived reality. That means that I need to take responsibility for my anger. That is, I have the responsibility to be aware of it as an emotion I am feeling and the responsibility to figure out what I need to do about it in order to take care of my self. This is true whether I choose to express it to my partner in a constructive manner or choose to dismiss it as an unhealthy or inappropriate reaction. When my partner is feeling angry about something that I have done, I also have a responsibility: the responsibility to remember that its not about me. That means that I will listen respectfully to how my partner feels even though it pertains to me and I dont like what I am hearing. I will listen knowing that my partner is sharing with me who he or she is, knowing that this is an act of intimacy. Specifically, this is an act of conflict intimacy, the kind of intimacy that we are all less comfortable with. So I may have to push myself to really listen, to remain calm and not think about my response. I will remember that I do not have to defend myself, for what I am hearing is about him or her, its not about me. Instead of getting defensive, I will listen like a friend, curious to understand what he or she is telling me about him or herself. And I will put myself in his or her shoes and try to find empathy for his or her experience. To help deepen this process of conflict intimacy, I will ask a few questions. None that has anything to do with any defensive agenda of mine, but only questions to help me and maybe help him or her understand and learn about him or herself. A caring listener does not bring the focus back to him or herself, and does not try to problem solve. This listener helps the intimacy being offered by hearing it, understanding it and helping the speaker to learn more about him or herself. When we know that its not about me, we can listen, can remain caring, and can resist the tendency to become defensive. When this happens, the conversation, our selfknowledge, the level of respect and intimacy in the relationship, and the relationship itself can evolve.

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist

Responding rather than Reacting to Your Partner

1. REMEMBER: Its not about me! S/he and I are separate people and I must listen to what is important to my partner. S/he is describing and sharing her/his experience. We are different people with different viewpoints. 2. As you notice yourself reacting with words or strong urges to speak, disagree, explain yourself, etc., take 6 deep, slow belly breaths, and it does not count if you do this to attract attention. You are doing this to soothe and calm yourself so that you can listen to your partners perspective. The only way the two of you can have a healthy relationship is by knowing how you each see things differently. Your goal is to be two separate and equal people who are speaking, sharing and earnestly working to understand two different perspectives. 3. When your partner has finished speaking, to be certain you have understood what was said, STATE THE OBVIOUS. For example, You are really mad. Its hard for me to listen, I want to defend myself, but I will calm myself and respect what you have to say. Stating what is obvious about your partner, and real for you helps you to calm yourself and gives you an opportunity to switch from reacting to responding, thus engaging your thoughts and feelings while putting your needs, thoughts and feelings second to your partner who is speaking and sharing. You can wait for your turn. Waiting is an act of personal and relationship respect as well as an act of maturity. 4. Then as you calm and push yourself to stay focused on what your partner is saying, ask him/her TWO questions. These are questions designed to objectively and empathetically learn more about what your partner is feeling, thinking and needing. These questions are genuine and designed to help your partner really share and describe his/her feelings. For example, How long have your been angry with me about this? or What first made you angry? and Do you have other feelings about this? Each time you practice this new set of behaviors you will find this becomes easier and that you are able to remain in the conversations longer and to a more productive end.

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist

EMOTIONS: THE SHORT LIST

Positive
Admiration Amusement Caring Compassion Contentment Curiosity Enthusiasm Euphoria Excitement Gratitude Happiness Hope Joy Love Peaceful Pride Respect Safe Secure

Negative
Anger Anxiety Boredom Confusion Depression Disappointment Embarrassment Envy Fear Frustration Guilt Hopelessness Hurt Jealous Loneliness Regret Sadness Shame Vengeful

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist

TheEmotionalSelfAwarenessExercise
TodevelopstrongSelfIntimacy(SI),allyouneedtodoispracticetheEmotional SelfAwarenessexercise(ESA)forafewminutesadayforamonth.Thatsit.Thatsall youhavetodo.Doit.Youllbeamazedatwhathappens. TheESAexerciseisquitesimple.Itconsistsofaskingyourselftwoorthree timesadaythefollowingthreequestions: 1.Whatspecificemotion(s)amIfeeling? 2.Whatsituationiscausingmetofeelthisemotion(s)? 3.What,ifanything,canIdoaboutthatsituationtotakecareofmyself? ESAExercisePointstoRemember: 1.ESAworksbestwhenitisdoneinanongoing,daybydaybasis: A.Spendingonlyafewminutes,notbigblocksoftimerefocusingfromthe externalontotheinternalinthisstructuredway,23timesaday,isallthat isneededforprofoundgrowthinSelfIntimacy 2.UseyourdailyESAworktobemoreselfintimatewithothers.ShareyourESA insightswithyourpartner.Thisisawayofallowingyourpartnertobecomecloser toyou. 3.ThemostcommonroadblockstosuccessfullydoingESAare: A.Failuretoremembertodoit:amnemonic(memory)deviceisoftenneeded (e.g.,tyingittoeverytimeyougotothebathroom),butthefailureto remembertodoitcanalsobeasymptomoflackofmotivation B.Theinabilitytogetintouchwithemotionsorknowwhattheyare(thisis especiallycommonformen);usealistoffeelingstohelpyoudeterminewhat exactemotion(s)youarefeeling.ThemoretimesyoudoESAthebetteryouwill getatknowingwhatthefeelingis;practiceisallittakes Remember,workingonESAisvitalsinceyourSelfIntimacyisakeytoyour relationshipshealth;yourlowSIlimitsyourabilitytoletyourpartnerinandtofeel closetoyou.Italsohindersyourabilitytotakegoodcareofyourself.

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist

HowWellHaveYouLovedEachOther?
AnalyzingtheAffectionIntimacy(AI) inyour LongTermLoveRelationship(LTLR)
InassessingthestateofyourLongTermLoveRelationship,analyzingwhere youtwoareintheThreeIntimacies(SelfIntimacy,ConflictIntimacyand AffectionIntimacy)willtellyouwhyyouarehavingproblemsandpinpoint exactlywhatthoseproblemsare. OftheThreeIntimacies,AffectionIntimacyorAIistheclosesttowhatwe normallythinkofwhenwehearthewordintimacy.WhereasSelfIntimacy(SI) isabouteachpartnerbeingabletobecloseorintimatewiththeirself,and ConflictIntimacyisaboutthepartnersbeingabletobecloseorintimateeven whentheyarefighting,AIisaboutthewaysinwhichtwoLTLRpartnersare abletobecloseorintimatethroughtheirexpressionsofloveforeachother. AttheRelationshipInstitutewehavediscoveredthatthewaysthatLTLR partnersexpresstheirlovetoeachothercanbedividedintofourcategories. ThesefourtypesofAffectionIntimacyare: 1. VerbalAI:theverbalexpressionofyourloveandaffectionforeachother. 2. ActionsAI:doingthingsjusttobringasmiletoyourpartnersfaceor simplytomakehisorherdayalittleeasier. 3. SexualAI:thesexual,lovemakingexpressionofyouraffection 4. NonSexualPhysicalAI:physicaltouchinwhateverformthatexpresses youraffectionbutthatisnotsexualorinanticipationofsex IngettingaclearpictureofthestateofAffectionIntimacyinyourrelationship,it isimportanttoanalyzeyourLTLRsrelativestrengthineachoftheseAItypes. Sointhisexerciseyouaretoratehowwellyouthinkyouandyourpartnerdo bothingivingandinreceiving(orparticipating)inthefourtypesofAI.

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist 2 Usingascaleof1to10,inwhich1isTerribleornonexistentand10is Fantastic,couldntbebetter,rateyouandyoupartneronthefourdimensions ofAffectionIntimacy.ForeachtypeofAI,givearatingbasedonhowwelland howoftenyouoryourpartnergivethattypeofAIandthenhowwellor comfortableyouoryourpartnerareinreceivingitorparticipatinginit.

VerbalAI Actions AI SexualAI Non Sexual Physical AI Total Score

You Giving

You Receiving

Partner Giving

Partner Receiving

Total Score

Youcanusetheseratingstoseewhereyouarestrongandwhereyouareweak, bothingivingandinreceivingAffectionIntimacyinyourLongTermLove Relationship.Thisanalysisalsotellsyouhowyouexperienceyourpartners expressionandreceptionofAI. Comparingyourratingswiththosedonebyyourpartnerisusuallyvery revealingofdifferencesinhowthetwoofyouexperienceAIinyourLTLRand ofdifferencesinhowthetwoofyouvieweachothersrelativeAIstrengthsand weaknesses.Ifyoutwotalkovertheseratingsyoucanusethemasaguide, showingyouwhichofthefourtypesofAIyoueachcanworkontoincreasethe lovethatyoueachfeelinyourLTLR.Thiswillmakeaworldofdifferencetothe healthofyourrelationshipbygreatlyincreasingthelovingintimacythetwoof youfeelfromeachother.

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist

TheItoIExercise
Creating Intimacy through Tension
theItoI(InitiatortoInquirer)Exercise, whichwasoriginallydevelopedbyBader&Pearson,isthemostpowerfuland effectivewayforLongTermLoveRelationshippartnerstodevelopstrong, healthyConflictIntimacy. Therearetworolesinthisexercise.Thepersonwhofirstbringsupanissue istheInitiator,andthenhis/herpartneristheInquirer.

RemindersfortheInitiator
Talkaboutyourself;yourgoalistohelpyourpartnerknowyourreality Focusononeissueandbespecific Pickanissuethatisdifficulttoshare StructureyoursharingaroundIfeelxbecauseofy,makingsurex isanemotionandnotathought 5. Dontblameyourpartner;remember,thisisaboutyou. 6. Themostintimateandimportantinformationtosharewithyour partneraretheemotionsyoufeelorfeltregardingthisissue 1. 2. 3. 4.

RemindersfortheInquirer
1. Rightnow,yourview,youropinionandyourfeelingsaboutthetopic yourpartneristalkingaboutisirrelevant 2. Fightgettingdefensive;keepremindingyourselfthatwhatyourpartner sharesisabouthim/her;themantraoftheInquireris,Itsnotaboutme, itsnotaboutme,itsnotaboutme,etc 3. Recapwhatyouheardyourpartnersay 4. Becurious;yourtaskistostepintotheirshoes 5. Askquestionstohelpyouunderstandyourpartner,notquestions designedtodefendyourselforyouragenda. 6. Dontproblemsolve.

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist

The I-to-I Maturity Goals

After we introduce our clients to the Tension through Intimacy exercise and use the roles of Intiator and Inquirer in the office once, in the following session we introduce the Maturity Goals. These goals define the Intiator and Inquirer roles from their least mature mindset (steps 1-4) to a more mature mindset (step 5) and to the most mature (steps 6-10/11). We recommend that all clients become familiar with step 5 as the beginning of maturity and stretch themselves to function at steps 8 and above on a regular basis. We remind you that under emotional stress on more touchy subjects we all regress, but hold yourself to step 5 at your very worst and when you cannot, inform your partner and ask for a time out to regroup (e.g. an hour or overnight). Then commit to come back to your partner in that period of time and re-initiate the discussion. relationship. This way you will do no harm to the

The Initiators Goals

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist

The Inquirers Goals

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist

LTLR Developmental Therapy Overview

1. The LTLR Developmental Model has four stages: a. Sweet Symbiosis: the honeymoon; foundational to the relationship. b. Soured Symbiosis: re-emergence of two separate selves which introduces tension and disappointments to the relationship. c. Differentiation: acknowledgement and respect that the couple is composed of two separate and different people. d. Synergy: each individual being more because of the relationship with the other and the growth that their differences create. 2. The growth process is governed by the level of symbiotic vs. differentiated functioning in the couple. 3. Developmental progress in the couple is enabled by growth in the Three Intimacies which increase differentiation. a. Self Intimacy: the on-going, moment-to-movement awareness of ones thoughts, feelings and desires and the expression of these to the person they involve. b. Conflict Intimacy: two people sharing and respecting their inevitable differences and the tension it creates between them. Good fighting leads to good loving. c. Affection Intimacy: verbal, actions, physical, non sexual and sexual expressions of ones caring, love and admiration for the other person. 4. LTLR Developmental therapists focus their work with the couple on engendering growth first in Self Intimacy and Conflict Intimacy and then in Affection Intimacy. 5. Growth in Self Intimacy is primarily fostered through the therapists use of the Emotional Self Awareness Exercise with each partner. 6. Growth in Conflict Intimacy is primarily fostered through the therapists use of the Initiator-to-Inquirer Exercise with the couple.

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist

7. In LTLR Developmental Therapy self-awareness of and constructive

expression of emotion is centered.

Goals of the LTLR Developmental Therapist

To push the couple to accept as normal and non-threatening the differences and tension that exists in any, and particularly, their relationship. To assist each partner in the face of tension to hold onto ones self calmly while simultaneously hearing, remaining curious about what e partner is saying, and respecting the partners viewpoint. To encourage and teach both partners how to continue the conversation as they define their differences and invest in the process of the conversation to arrive at a mutually satisfying, hybrid solution. (Increase Conflict Intimacy) To teach the couple how to continue to think while expressing and experiencing strong feelings as well as expand eachs awareness of their range of feelings and perceptions. (Increase Self Intimacy) To help individuals understand each has a wide range of feelings that are often contradictory and temporary while recognizing that feelingsespecially negative ones- are not necessarily threatening to the relationship. To increase the tension within the individual and between the couple rather than decreasing it. To demonstrate to couples that tension and differences are indications of growing pains in the relationship rather than threats to it.

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist

Key Concepts for Change in the Couples Therapy Approach of

1. Of all the various types of relationships, having a truly good marriage is the greatest challenge. In being the most intimate relationship it challenges each of our weaknesses and vulnerabilities. It is the only relationship in which we make the choice to tie our life in exclusive ways to that of another, no matter how much either of us changes, for the rest of our lives, with the agreement that neither of us will leave the other. Therefore it is necessary that we learn new ways of dealing with these changes, ways that will allow and indeed encourage the relationship to grow. 2. We were initially attracted to our partner not only for the reasons we are aware of, but for unconscious reasons as well. Most often quite unbeknownst to us, we were also attracted to this person because their personality make-up is such that it brings up our unresolved issues and conflicts, our weak points. So our commitment to the relationship must include a commitment to work on our own issues and our own contribution to the difficulties in the relationship. 3. Within a few years of the beginning of a committed relationship the differences between partners start to tug at the relationship and require that we find new ways to grow and incorporate these differences into the relationship. 4. These differences in a relationship do not diminish over time: personal change is inevitable. So we all need to learn how to appreciate and respect our differentness, continue to define ourselves and handle the attendant anxiety. However, all of us fight change, especially when it is not our idea. When this happens, a battle begins in which one of us is promoting the change (consciously or not) while the other is resisting. This is called differentiation. It is the process by which we define and respect our differences as individuals tied together. It is a normal, healthy and necessary part of a growing and evolving relationship. Yet most of us do not know how to respond to change in a relationship without feeling threatened and rejected. One of the goals of our couples therapy approach is to help you identify how you are or are not defining your self and differentiating. This is an important first step. We then want to help you recognize the stress that differentiation creates, and help you deal with it constructively with your partner. To do this we will help you and your partner recognize the source of each of your own personal discomforts so that you each can learn how to self-comfort. In so doing, you each will be able to learn from your own distress instead of being controlled by it, and the relationship can then start to grow.

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist

5. The central aspect of our therapeutic approach will involve both of you learning a new way to be intimate, in particular, a new way to achieve conflict intimacy. This is based on two primary processes. The first is self-intimacy, being keenly aware of your own self, your feelings, desires and thoughts. And second is a unique form of communication that is not focused on resolution of differences. Instead, it is based on helping the speaker to own that this is about him or her self, to express self clearly and to learn more about him/herself. And just as important, it is based on helping the listener to learn to listen well, to not take the others feelings, desires and thoughts personally, but rather see them as a reflection of whom the other is. 6. We each need to take responsibility for being self-intimate, that is, being aware of our feelings and where they are coming from, and acting to take care of our self, based on what our emotions are telling us about our self and our reality. This does not mean being self-centered, only caring about our own feelings and desires enough to pay attention to them. Thats pay attention to them, not be controlled by them. Self-intimacy involves treating our feelings and desires as important, but not always as most important in our relationship. Sometimes we must choose to put or own feelings and desires aside, to not act to satisfy them when they are in conflict with our partners. One of the most mature, differentiated choices we can make in a relationship is seeing that at times acting on our partners feelings and/or needs instead of on our own is actually an expression of self-love and self-respect. 7. Intimacy results from two people communicating well who they are, be it verbally, physically and/or through actions. This is a two-part process consisting of expressing self as well as listening to who the other is. But not all intimate behaviors are soft, warm and positive. When our partner tells us that s/he is angry with us or even that s/he no longer finds us attractive, that is an act of intimacy. It is our challenge to listen, to really try to understand where s/he is coming from and to help our partner learn about him/herself by really hearing the person and by asking questions. It is our challenge not to take what we hear defensively, not to behave defensively, not to attempt to talk our partner out of his/her feeling, desire or thought, not to put the focus of the interaction back on us, and not to attack him/her. This is what leads to conflict intimacy: the non-avoidance of painful, difficult subjects and the non-defensive reaction to them. Conflict intimacy is not focused on conflict resolution, but rather, on healthy, differentiated conflict process. 8. As a partner in a committed relationship each of us has a responsibility to communicate to our partner through our words and actions who we are. We cripple his/her ability to be a good partner if we do not do this. How can they be a good partner to us if they do not know who we are, how we feel and what we like and dont like? In addition, if we shirk this responsibility to communicate we deny our relationship intimacy, blocking not only ourself from being able to experience the fullness of life that results from a healthy, growing, intimate relationship, but our partner as well. For the same reasons, we also have the responsibility to listen and empathize when our partner is being intimate and genuine with us.

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist

9. This healthy, intimate communication is difficult to achieve when we fear being rejected by him/her. This fear can often be recognized when we feel anxious and threatened by differences that we have with our partner. This fear of rejection and aloneness causes us to want to avoid the anxiety caused by the differences. As a result, we will often react in old, regressive, childhood ways. Examples of such regressive relationship reactions are: denying or acting as if we are not hurt, angry or disappointed, becoming numb and shutting down, becoming more dependent on pleasing our partner, attacking our partner either directly or passive-aggressively, becoming more dependent on pleasing our partner, moving to make premature compromises, etc. All of these types of behaviors result in distancing ourselves emotionally from not only our partner, but from our self as well. A major goal of our work with you will be to help you and your partner see that times of anxiety in your relationship present the greatest growth opportunities that each of you and your relationship will ever have. 10. Mirroring is an important, advanced process in the art of achieving intimacy. It is the act of one person making an observation about his or her partner to that partner, and making it from a position of differentiation and compassion. It is not telling your partner how you want him or her to change or how he or she has to change. It is one partner holding up the mirror to the other. Then your partner looks at his or her image as reflected by you, and gives it honest consideration. Most importantly, while looking in the mirror, your partner is holding on to his or her own sense of self. This can be one of the most positive processes in an intimate relationship, powerfully leading to self-growth. 11. The strongest and healthiest long term, committed relationships are comprised of two people who love each other and who are each well defined, individuated individuals who have achieved healthy affection intimacy and healthy conflict intimacy. And they are both able to maintain their individuation even when they are experiencing the growing pains of the relationship. By growing pains we mean the times differences between the two of you emerge and result in relationship tension. 12. When such growing pains occur we often regress to the primitive mechanism of symbiosis in order to avoid or eliminate the tension that the differences or changes cause. This mechanism is defined by our desire to merge with the other and in so doing eliminate the tension. We become symbiotic with our partner, co-dependent, replacing differences with similarities. Along with this tendency comes many powerful, unhealthy assumptions that can be brought to the relationship such as If you love me, you will agree with me. Also, a symbiotic request carries with it a demand for compliance that entails the other partner having to give up his/her sense of self. Such symbiosis not only stunts the growth of a relationship but also threatens its very continuance. When both members of a couple have the love, commitment and courage to not avoid these growing pains, but to embrace the tension they cause and work it through, their relationship and their love will flourish.

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist

13. The Necessary and Sufficient Conditions for Relationship Healing are: 1. Both partners want to save the relationship. 2. Both partners respect the other as an equal. 3. Both partners feel deep love for the other. If #1 does not apply there is no chance. If #1 does apply but #2 and/or #3 do not apply there is still a chance if, through working on the relationship, they come to apply. 14. Just as an individual goes through stages of development, so do couples go from one stage to another. There are three stages of couple development. They are: Symbiosis, Differentiation, and Synergy.* Stage 1: Symbiosis This is the initial, romantic phase of a love relationship. It is when two people merge in love and become more a we than two separate individuals, a time when you experience the joy of giving to and being given to unconditionally by your partner. The drive to achieve this merging developed evolutionarily since it increased the chances of survival. So each of us is driven at a very deep, instinctual level to form this symbiotic bond. In this stage, our differences are minimized or overlooked and the best parts of each other are emphasized. Anything seems possible and you are filled with happiness to have found in the other this missing part of yourself. But this happiness is in part based in fantasy. That is, the skewed perceptions that support this merging of the two of you, this symbiosis. When reality inevitably starts to intrude, this fantasy is revealed and the relationship must grow and change if it is to endure and flourish. But without this stage there is no foundation of love and commitment for the relationship to build on in the future. Stage 2: Differentiation As each individual I starts to re-emerge from the symbiotic we, the differences that were hidden in Stage 1 become apparent. Each of you discovers attributes of your partner that you dont like, resulting in disillusionment and disappointment. This is a very challenging and sometimes painful time as conflicts start to occur. Unless a couple engages healthy, effective ways of working through these conflicts, the relationship will get stuck here and will deteriorate. But these very same conflicts also present the most hope and opportunity for helping the couple advance through this stage of development. If the tension created when differences and conflict arise is not reacted to regressively, but instead is met head-on by two partners intent on staying differentiated and on treating each other with respect, the intimacy they achieve will be enhanced and the relationship will grow.

Reeti Bhat, Clinical Psychologist

Stage 3: Synergy This is the stage in which increasingly the whole that is we becomes greater than either of us individually. This begins to happen as each of us is not only able to experience the joy of the union of our love, but we can also be our self and are loved and respected for being who we are even with our shortcomings and our differences with our partner. Healthy affection intimacy and conflict intimacy have been established and the differentiation of each partner is solidifying. The love and the felt intimacy in the relationship are deepening and continue to grow over time. Conflict doesnt block but rather catalyzes the love bond to grow ever stronger and richer. 15. Especially in a committed relationship, each partner needs to work to overcome his or her limitations. Each person needs to acknowledge his or her limitations and make vigorous efforts to work on them. These limitations fall into three catagories: self-imposed limitations, trauma-imposed limitations, and genetically imposed limitations. Self-imposed limitations are based on the fear of failure. An individual places such a limitation on his or herself to keep from taking a risk, trying a new behavior or way of being, for fear that they will fail at it. This is a common hindrance to fulfilling sex, for example. Trauma-imposed limitations are based on a persons fear of being hurt, and result from incidences from his or her past, sometimes from very early in their life, when he or she was traumatized interpersonally. This type of limitation keeps a person from opening up and becoming intimately vulnerable with his or her partner. Instead he or she remains well defended and safe through withdrawal, incongruence or defensive anger. Genetically imposed limitations are the physical or intellectual abilities that each person does or doesnt have. Instead of thinking of these as relationship dealbreakers (Hes not smart enough for me.) they need to be acknowledged and accepted as part of who each person is, part of what makes him or her who he or she is, not as a determiner of his or her worth. They are more often used as excuses to avoid intimacy and vulnerability than they are true factors in a relationship. 16. Our couples therapy is based upon the belief that by helping two people achieve a healthy, intimate love relationship we are helping them to build a life that is richer and more fulfilling than either of them could have alone. We believe that each person in a committed love relationship, especially a marriage, has a very serious responsibility to make every effort to work through the problems and the pain that every relationship, no matter how good, goes through. That is what commitment is about and that is what will result in self-respect and in no regrets.

#12 above is adapted from Bader, Ellyn and Pearson, Peter, In Quest of the Mythical Mate.