12

the population issue

Ms Daphne Ling, 30

today wednesday 7 November 2012

13

the population issue

today wednesday 7 November 2012

blogger and freelance writer

feel a little rusty. Your friends are all working, its a different lifestyle, they hang out at night, which we cant do. I feel a bit left behind. Kelvin: For me its the recreation side of things, not so much career. Like, I used to play football every Sunday. Daphne: But right now, things are actually better. Financially, were more settled. What do you think needs to be done to improve the situation for people to want to be parents or for parents like yourself to have more kids? Kelvin: Maybe well have four, I think four is the limit. Daphne: We are thankful that weve found something that works for us. If I were in a full-time job checking into an office every day, it would be really tough. Kelvin: I think there are various options for mums to work from home, but the quality of the work available to be quite honest is not there. Its mainly clerical, administrative work ...
Photo Ooi Boon Keong

Mr Kelvin Kao, 32
Has own PR social media agency Met in university, married in 2007. Each has two siblings Three children Truett, 4, Kirsten, 3 and Finn, 8 weeks Live in a four-room flat they bought resale for S$245,000

Kids dont divide our resources, they multiply our joy

hree years after I graduated from university, I began having children three of them before I turned 30. When my husband and I got married at 25, we had known each other for almost seven years. Like other young couples then, we had our fiveyear plan: Make our first million, travel every year and then start a family. But five months on, we discovered that we were pregnant with our first child. Abortion was considered as we did not want our five-year plan to be derailed. Moreover, I had just started my career as an educator and was supporting my husband who was still studying at LASALLE College of the Arts. We did not even have a home of our own. We only moved into our unrenovated four-room HDB flat three weeks before my son was born. Six days after his birth, my husband asked when we could have a second child, so that he or she could fight with our son! We did not have a maid nor a car. We had to do the housework when we came back from work. We left our children with babysitters when they were young, and sent them to day care centres when they were older. If wed viewed our children as economic digits, sucking up our free time and financial resources, then we would not have welcomed them with open arms. We see each child as a unique gift.
NOT ALL ABOUT THE MATHS

It is all these distractions and excuses, like climbing a career ladder, having a flat or a bigger car, that are blinding us to the richness that children can bring to our life.

Do we need to give our children the best that money can buy? A S$60 haircut? I cut my childrens hair to save on costs. OshKosh Bgosh Dungarees? Cheap S$10 ones suffice in the playground. Instead of handing our children a silver spoon, wed rather they learn to feed themselves with a simple spoon.
FULFILLING CAREERS TOO

and we have very little time and money for ourselves. We still do not have a car, as raising a child can equal the expenses of owning one. But we are glad that we did not do the maths. On paper, the sums would not have added up; yet everything has come together in real life. It is that leap of faith that young, childless couples today are not willing to take that we took. Children do not divide our resources, they just multiply our joy.
A SIMPLE SPOON BEATS A SILVER ONE

looking for childcare? Child Care Link (www.childcarelink. gov.sg) is a one-stop portal with help on locating the nearest child and infant care centre; information on various subsidies and advice for first-time parents.

Our lives as work-at-home parents

Why the decision to have kids? Kelvin: Daphne made it quite clear from the beginning she wanted four to seven kids! Daphne: It came up quite early on when we were dating (I was 19, he was 21). He likes kids, so he didnt mind. I like the idea of a big family; when they are grown up, you can sit down to dinner in a big group. ally enjoy the whole experience. So we were like okay, this isnt so bad and hes really kind of cute. Maybe we should go for one more. So we did. We also wanted the children to be close to each other in age, so they can grow up being best friends. Its really sweet watching them play and laugh together. Did you factor in whether the environment was conducive to raising kids? Daphne: We didnt actually think too much about it. Weve made it work regardless of the environment. It was tough when I had my first child. I was working full-time in corporate communications then and I was quite determined to go back to work after my maternity leave. So we explored all the childcare options. We got a maid who didnt quite work out. Our parents are still working ... After a month back at work, I tendered. Did you consider childcare? Daphne: With subsidies, the cost of infant care was about S$800 back then. But the main thing is that every facility we visited, I just could not bring myself to put my baby in infant care. The thought of leaving him there for 12 hours a day, for one or two years, was a bit depressing. And so you quit your job and started your own thing. Daphne: It got easier along the way.

I think (in terms of support), most parents are looking for a more long-term solution than four months of maternity leave, paternity leave and six days childcare leave.

Daphne: ... Making jewellery at home. You need work thats more sustainable. I think (in terms of support), most parents are looking for a more longterm solution than four months of maternity leave, paternity leave and six days childcare leave. Kelvin: These policies are okay, but what we need is more flexibility, more options to work from home The pay may not reach a high scale, but the options should allow for more executive level work. Daphne: Strategising kind of work that makes use of your experience. I have friends (stay-at-home mums) who cannot find a job that they feel they can add value to. Despite all the challenges, would you do this whole parenthood experience all over again? Daphne: Absolutely, yes. As tough as it has been, it doesnt even come close to the joy and satisfaction the kids have brought into our lives. Theyre tiny and cute and do the most hilarious stuff. Sometimes I feel like I want to slaughter them and they come up to me all nonchalant and say: MUM! I just want to say that I love you so much. OK bye! Or theyll say: Next time when Im a big girl, Im going to be just like you in such a matter-offact manner that you know they really mean it. One time I was out running some errands and Kirsten wanted to tag along. So I spent a whole afternoon doing boring stuff while she walked beside holding my hand, making wisecracks about the stuff we saw along the way. It was one of the best afternoons Ive ever had. Just running errands with my kid.

looking for flexiwork? Social enterprise Mums at Work (www.mumsatwork.net) helps mums find jobs with flexi-working arrangements (E.g. flexible workweek hours, freelance and contractual work) Positions listed have included: Senior legal counsel with a government ministry; parttime operations manager; PR manager for an online retailer; internal audit senior manager; software engineer; curriculum specialist. At American Express, more than 25 per cent of staff are on some flexi-work arrangement. For those working from home, the company provides a home-office set-up. At IBM Singapore, about 5 per cent of employees work from home. All IBM employees are telecommuting-enabled, and performance is evaluated not based on time spent in the office but on business outcomes. not working There were more than 270,000 economically inactive residents between the ages of 25 and 54 in 2010. Women made up approximately 85 per cent of them.

You could have put off having children, as other young couples often do, but instead bucked the trend by having three, and before 30! Why? Daphne: We knew it would be a delicate balancing act to have kids early, but we didnt see having a career and having children as mutually exclusive. It would mean making adjustments and putting in more time at night and being more stretched and tired, but I guess we wanted to do it while we were still young enough to handle it. I cant imagine going through pregnancy and the newborn stage at 35 or 40! I dont think Id be able to keep up. A week after I gave birth to Truett, we honestly thought of stopping at one. It was just so crazy those first few months. As new parents, you panic a lot over everything! We couldnt go for a decent meal for months and when we did, we had to take turns shoving food down our throats while the other carried and rocked him. But things got a lot better after three months and we started to re-

But initially, it was hard. You literally halve your income but you have the same bills to pay every day. We redid our budget many times! Was achieving your ideal work-life balance a reason for starting your own business and working from home? Kelvin: Definitely, I wanted to be more involved. I like family-life and being around my children as they grow up. Its turned out well. I have an office space, but I also work from home. Daphne: There are some adjustments. When the kids are around, it can get noisy so we have to work later into the night. We have to schedule our time, but for us, the flexibility is worth it. And we manage our hours better. What are some of the key sacrifices youve had to make? Daphne: I wasnt super career driven but I guess being a stay-at-home mum, I do lose out on that adult interaction. You want to feel that you are useful. If you stay at home too long, you

Ten years later, we were blessed with another set of three children much to the dismay of our parents. They felt that we were foolish to enlarge our family as it was already complete. Having three more would just increase the financial strain. Yes, expenses are still high now as the eldest two are both in university,

We do not send our children to tuition or enrichment classes, trusting more in our own judgment to develop them. When our older children were in primary school, we did not securitise their test marks or results slips. We were more focussed on the effort that they put in we would not be happy if they got 100 marks without doing the work. We refused to compare their performance in school with that of their peers or cousins, as we believe that there is more to life than just academic achievement. The time we saved from going to tuition or enrichment classes, we spent developing and deepening our relationships with each other. Nothing can replace the smile on my face when my seven-year-old took the initiative to pluck some roadside wild flowers to cheer me up; or when it was our childrens turn to look after us, when both my husband and I fell ill.

As parents, we listen to our instincts for I believe that all of us have been wired to be great parents. It is all these distractions and excuses, like climbing a career ladder, having a flat or a bigger car, that are blinding us to the richness that children can bring to our life. Of course, our careers are important to both of us. For example, while my children were growing up, I managed to obtain two post-graduate diplomas and travelled overseas at least twice a year. I have enjoyed a fulfilling career and look forward every day to going to work. In this current debate on our low fertility rate, I cannot help sensing that children are often looked upon not as human beings, but as potential obstacles that keep us from our goals; a burden on our financial resources and that which deprives us of fun time. I am not saying that bringing up children is easy. It has its heartache, like when you see one of your own going down the wrong road. It has its anxieties, like when you hear about the death of someone elses son. You pray with all your heart, when two of your children have high fever at the height of SARS. But only when we see children as both blessings and opportunities to learn about ourselves, will we be open to having them. Children make us look beyond our own needs and interests. They satisfy our innermost desire to contribute to the betterment of our society.

Ms Frances Ong Hock Lin, 49

Educator Mother of six, aged 7 to 23 Maid, no. Car, no. Fulfilling career, yes

Art Yen Yok