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Premises: Two underfinanced students in need of money think upon a good idea
to become hit men for a local organised crime unit. Both characters are
completely inexperienced and naïve about the criminal underworld and
there whole perception is distorted beyond recognition. The gangster
they work for is clichéd London cockney and they both live with an
escort. The series follows the two protagonist’s attempts to perform a
hit on someone which is shown in the first episode but not performed
until the final episode.
Characters
Toby: First protagonist. Has a greater sense of intelligence then Steve but
often agrees with him on his ideologies. Because of his supposed
higher level of intelligence Toby is the main protagonist in the story as
most people address him when the two are together.
Steve: Second protagonist. Not as clever as Toby, which enables him to think
of completely random and unnecessary topics.
Both Toby and Steve have greatest life experiences from film and
game Medias, identifying their naivety of their current situation. Both
protagonists suffer form the inability of doing anything right,
managing to fuck up the simplest of chores and duties. This makes the
idea of them successfully killing someone seem unlikely.
Susan: Escort who shares flat with two protagonists. Acts as third part
member to overlook the predicaments Toby and Steve have enthralled
themselves in. Tries giving helpful advice but this is usually in vain
because, lets face it, you don’t hire a prostitute to have an engaging
conversation with.
Pilot
(Whole scene is shot in grainy black and white. Both Toby and Steve are running after
an unidentified character through damp and dark alley ways. The stranger eventually
comes to a dead end where Toby and Steve finally confront the assailant, both with
pistols extended)
(Steve fires a shot. The noise of the stranger falling over is heard. Both T and S look
shocked. Close up of both)
Toby: (turns to Steve angrily) You know I can’t believe you sometimes!
Toby: You didn’t let me have a chance to shoot him. You said that we were
gonna do this together.
Toby: Yes I know I counted to three but if you remember I said we should
count up to three then go.
Steve: Exactly. Wait…oh you never specified ‘go’ as a step. You can’t blame
that on me. You weren’t being detailed enough. That’s entirely your
problem.
Toby: That’s what you implied. And honest to god it wouldn’t surprise me if
you did do it out of spite.
Toby: You complete bitch. No more than five minutes ago (doing
interpretation of himself) I’ll count to three then on go you go for the
stomach, I’ll go for the head. Agreed? (Interpretation of Steve) I’ll try
to remember Tobes but I’ll warn you that I have a slight tendency of
being a retarded asshole!
Steve: (pauses whilst thinking. Then in completely calm and factual state)
Yeah I remember that conversation. Why did I get the stomach?
Toby: What?
Steve: Why did I get the stomach? Why couldn’t I go for something better
like the head or the spine?
Steve: …I heard if you shoot someone in the stomach there’s a chance that
they poo themselves.
Toby: (calmly) Shut up and let me finish. A year of waiting for this moment
and I get stabbed in the back by you. A person who still has to wear
Velcro (camera shifts to floor view of Steve’s footwear) because HE
HASN’T LEARNT HOW TO TIE HIS SHOELACES.
Steve: Look if you’re that annoyed about it you can just shoot him now.
There’s nothing stopping you.
Toby: I DON’T WANNA SHOOT HIM NOW. That’s asinine. What benefit
do I get from shooting a dead body apart from being investigated for
suspected manslaughter? So if we go to jail you get to say you were
thrown in for a serious offence and when they turn to me I’ll have to
say I was the guy who helped. So whilst you get teardrop tattoos and
make friends.
Steve: Cool. It’ll look like I’m crying all the time.
Toby: (Ignoring) And I get a detailed tour of the communal showers with a
complementary bar of soap as well as getting a 6ft (uses bunny hand
signals) ‘non gay’ person whispering ‘I hope you like it slow’ in my
left ear!
Steve: Okay you know I find it hard to talk to when you use your outdoor
voice.
Toby: I…,I…,(realises what Steve has said. Confused and annoyed) what?
What the hell are you talking about?
Steve: Okay now you’re making a scene.
Toby: In-front of who? Who am I embarrassing you in front of? The dead
person? Oh my apologies to you sir for seeing me behave like that. Just
a little dispute I’m having with my associate. (pauses and looks
curiously at the dead body) You seem a little under the weather good
sir. Is there anything wrong with you? What did you say? (as an
answer. Camera focuses on Steve’s reaction to Toby’s conversation
with the dead body. Steve looks slightly annoyed and restless) Oh no I
don’t think all of that blood is indeed necessary… Yes I do think that it
does seem outdated. If I were you I’d try acquiring one of those stab
wounds I’ve heard so much about. Apparently they’re all the rage.
(Toby goes to pick him up. Camera focuses back onto Toby)
In-fact if you come with me I might be able to. (drops the body and
starts retching) You were right Steve. He has pooed himself.
Steve: Hmmmm…yeah. Thought so. Lucky you didn’t pick him up otherwise
this whole evening might’ve ended up in one of situations I was told to
stay clear of as a child.
Toby: (still trying to regain himself) Think it’s a little too late for that now.
(Regained after spending time catching breath) What should we do
now?
Steve: With the body? I’m not into that sort of thing.
(Both start walking away from victim. Camera fixed looking up from
side of body)
Steve: Where?
Toby: I dunno. No coffee shops. I’m not allowed in any of them since they
found me stealing cups and cutlery.
Steve: I was wondering why we don’t have any glasses. Didn’t they ask for
the cups back?
Steve: Why what did you do to them? (Toby carries on walking. Steve
freezes) Toby?...Toby I eat my breakfast out of some of those bowls. Is
that what you mean by ignoring the aftertaste? Toby?... Can we at least
buy a dishwasher? Toby? I need new friends.
(Title scene)
(Scene starts in Danny’s office. Office is typical with Don Vito’s office
from Godfather. T and S are sitting down. A bodyguard is also present
within the room)
Danny: Daniel
Toby: Well….it’s not an alias. It’s just you’ve shortened your name.
Danny: Who do you think you are coming in here telling me if my name’s an
alias of an abbreviation?
Toby: Dyou mean theoretically or literally? Cos I told the person on the
phone that I was called Toby.
Danny: …You don’t know what you’re getting yourselves into. You think this
job revolves around beautiful women and fast cars. Technically it does
but it’s the things you have to give up: your sense of morality, your self
respect. All of life’s luxuries are yours at the cost of your humanity.
Toby: What so I don’t have to pay for anything? Oh Snap. (High fives Steve
and sighs). Well if that isn’t a huge sigh of relief. I was worried for a
second cos my credit rating…it beggars belief.
Danny: Shut up. I didn’t ask for your smart mouth. One of you doesn’t know
when to shut up. The other one doesn’t talk at all. Who the hell is this
man?
Steve: No not like a five year old. (Fidgeting) It’s just I don’t trust strangers
that’s all.
Steve: Yeah
Danny: Well I’m just surprised that you two retards made it as far as my office.
Christ what did you expect would happen. That I’d hire you like that?
You have no experience. One of you finds it hard to string together
long sentences.
Danny: This is a harsh world and you ain’t no way near dealing with what it
throws at you.
Steve: Yknow I could say horrible things about you too to hurt your feelings.
Danny: Nah hang on. This might be fun. Go on then Steve. Impress me.
Steve: (Camera slowly zoom sin on Steve’s face followed by same direction
towards Danny’s face. Both S and D have competitive looks on their
faces. Tense music could be played between camera zoom in. No
dialogue during camera movements)
Danny: (Infuriated picks up waste paper bin and throws it at Danny’s head)
Toby: (To Danny) So does that mean we get through to the second interview?
(Danny starts throwing other things at the pair. They quickly leave the
room, ending the scene.)
Toby: Shut up Steve. I’m trying to think. Jesus Christ why the hell did you
have to say that? Out of all the facial features, you could’ve just said
his eyes were close together.
Steve: But he did have one didn’t he? You could see the shave lines.
Steve: And to think he started off seeming like such a nice guy.
Toby: He kills people for a living Steve. I don’t think there are many nice
guys in his profession
Steve: Oh come on. I’m sure even people in his position can take a joke.
Toby: Nah Steve…(camera focus’ on Toby’s face) Danny’s known for having
an interesting sense of humour.
(Danny shoots person in the head with the revolver. Scene quickly ends
when guy has fallen to the floor. Camera does not show person’s body)
Steve: Does he always carry around those pieces of cloth with him?
Toby: I dunno. I don’t really wanna find out. But thanks to you we’ll
probably have to get a job in McDonalds.
Toby: It’s called the Big Mac. The clue’s in the name. McDonalds. Mac?
Toby: No not like the computers! Like the abbreviation! Mac? Donalds?
Toby: Why does that matter!? (Close up of Steve, looking upset and in pain
because of confusion) Don’t bring that into this you’ll just end up more
confused. Let’s just get home. (Final shot behind both characters
spanning up to a block of apartments in front) I’ll go through it when
we get there.
Steve: (Camera shows Steve with both arms on the table trying to decipher
the Whopper problem) Okay so the difference between a Big Mac and
a Whopper meal.
Toby: (Toby is going through job advertisements in the newspaper, trying to
focus. He looks up after a short pause). What? No. Not this crap again.
We have more urgent things to do. The rent is due in two weeks how
are we gonna pay it?
Toby: Yeah, okay, very good . I know you’re our supposed flatmate but who
the hell are you?
Toby: Oh great! It’s Susan. The prodigal one returns. Well I’m convinced. Is
there anyone else you’d like to invite into our apartment Steve?
Toby: (After Frank has left) Okay back to the first question. (Looking at
Susan) Who are you?
Toby: (Turns to Steve) Steve, I swear to God, one of these days I’m gonna
wait till you’re asleep and replace you’re insulin with bathwater again.
Once again, this time with feeling, who are you?
Toby: I KNOW YOUR SUSAN! (Still angrily) Who are you as in what do
you do?
Susan: Oh. Well right now I’m trying to make it big as an actress.
Susan: Escort
Toby: If you polish a turd you still end up with a turd, albeit a cleaner one.
Tell me then, where have you escorted people previously?
Susan: I don’t just escort them silly. I have sex with them afterwards.
Toby: Wow. I thought you’d be the one dancing around the situation but you
just upped and said it. Beautiful. (Turns to Steve) Is she the only
applicant?
Susan: (In despair) It’s not even as bad as you think it is.
Toby: Bringing strangers into my flat whilst I’m not there in order to have
sex with them illegally. That sounds pretty bad in my books.
Toby: But I will notice afterwards from their signature stain marks. I’d prefer
to be able to use things in my apartment without having to wonder who
and what’s been inside them first.
Steve: (Whilst eating cereal from a bowl) This cereal tastes funny.
Toby: (Stares at Steve for a while) I’m not comfortable with the idea of
having perverts in my house so unfortunately you’re gonna have to
leave.
Susan: But I make a fortune from it. I could easy pay 2/3’s of the rent.
Toby: Well the tasteless part is having the prostitute in the apartment in the
first place. Anything after that’s fair game.
Steve: The neighbour’s might kick up a fuss. Mrs Henderson didn’t like it
when you had the TV on too loud.
Tony: Yep and now she’s dead. Just goes to show, don’t mess with Toby
Pearceson.
Toby: (Sheepish look) It’s not the journey that matters, it’s the destination.
She messed with the Tobester, she got what was coming to her: heart
condition or not.
Toby: Well (sighs) I gave Danny our contact details. Although he did seem
pretty angry. I think he has mother issues. Anyway we’ll probably have
to wait a long while until he’s sufficiently managed to cool his jets.
(Danny and an associate Carl are going through job applicants. Danny looks fatigued)
Carl: Not many. Most of our old time friends have given up the ghost.
Danny: They were shocking. When you come into my house you don’t follow
through by giving me, a man with my reputation any God dam flak.
Some of the things they said really hurt my feelings (rubbing his
eyebrow)
Danny: Another one! He only had three to begin with. Where the hell does he
stick his bloody fingers?
Danny: (Surprised) That’s a bit extreme. Why didn’t he just come up with
another nickname?
Carl: I think it’s hard to come up with another nickname not related to your
fingers if you’ve got 3 fingers. You’d have to work it in somewhere.
Danny: Fine! So what about the others? (Not stated as a question but
statement) Wild Bill?
Carl: Dead
Carl: Custody
Danny: What!
(Camera cuts to picture on holiday of Danny with Barney’s corpse,
holding it on a boat with loads of fishing equipment in the shot)
Carl: There’s parts of me that are. If the worst comes to the worst they’ll be
dead in a week. You can go ahead and hire Two Fingered Fontaine.
Danny: (Dialling an old fashioned phone, still looking at Carl) He knew a few
things. He knew how to use this bloody phone for instance. What the
hell. It’s gotten stuck on two. Go get Fontaine so I can finally find out
how to use this bloody thing.