Father's Ashes

On his first visit to a girl's house, a guy waited in the living room while she prepared a snack in the kitchen. Left alone, he noticed a small, attractive vase on the mantelpiece. He picked it up and was looking at it when the girl walked back in. "What's this?" he asked. "Oh, my father's ashes are in there," she said. "Oh! I'm so sorry..." "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen and get an ashtray."

Young Wife!
A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25 year old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Switzerland but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised. When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money." "Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please... tell me what I can do?" "Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."

Obituary!
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realises that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database. It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up. "Brad, are you up yet?" asks Mike.

Brad sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee." "Brad, open the newspaper to page 5." "Why, what's in the paper?" "Brad, get the paper and open it to page 5 now!" "Ok, ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 5?" "Brad, look at the bottom of column 4." "Why? What's that story on?" "Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!" "Ok, ok, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!" The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues. Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks in a trembling voice, "So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?"

Speeding ticket!
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver's license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: I must admit, ma'am, that I'm confused; the officer told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car and that you murdered the owner. Woman: I suppose the lying bastard told you I was speeding too?

A short history of medicine

Doctor, I have an ear ache. 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 B.C. - That root is heathen, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!

A Scene in 2020...
Operator: Hello Domino's! Customer: Hello, can you please take my order? Operator: Can I have your multi purpose Aadhar card number first, Sir? Customer: Yeah! Hold on..... My number is 889861356102049998-45-54610 Operator: OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 40942366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. You are calling from you home number now. Customer: (Astonished) How did you get all my phone numbers? Operator: We are connected to the system, Sir. Customer: I wish to order your Seafood Pizza... Operator: That's not a good idea Sir. Customer: How come? Operator: According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level, sir. Customer: What?... What do you recommend then? Operator: Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it. Customer: How do you know for sure? Operator: You borrowed a book titled 'Popular Hokkien Dishes' from the National Library last week, sir. Customer: OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then.

Operator: That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is Rs. 2,450. Customer: Can I pay by credit card? Operator: I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs. 1,51,758 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir. Customer: I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives. Operator: You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've exhausted even your overdraft limit. Customer: Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway? Operator: About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle. Customer: What? Operator: According to the details in the system , you own a motorcycle registration number 1123. Customer: "????" (hmmm.. these guys know my motorcyle number too!) Operator: Is there anything else, sir? Customer: Nothing.! .. by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised? Operator: We normally would sir, but based on your records, you're also diabetic... In the best interest of your health, we are holding this offer for you. Customer: (now pissed) ***%&$%%### You $##$%%@!))) Operator: Better mind your language sir. Remember on 15th July 2007 you were imprisoned for 2 months and fined Rs.5,000 for using abusive language against a policeman...? Customer faints...

Keep it short!
At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honour was about to deliver his speech when his wife, who was sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it. A guest seated next to the speaker said, "It looks like your wife has sent you a kiss for good luck. She must love you very much." The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for "Keep it short, stupid."

Praise The Lord

A religious women upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, "Praise the lord." This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, "There is no Lord." One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch. The next morning the lady screamed, "Praise the Lord, who gave me this food." The neighbor screamed, "It wasn't the Lord, it was me." The lady replied, "Praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!!"

Report Card
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit." Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

Pakistani Air-Force
Yahya Khan, trying to persuade a yokel to volunteer for the Pakistani Air force. He took him inside the aircraft and explained: "You press this yellow button and the engine will start. Then you press the red one and the plane will take off. It is all very simple." "But how do I bring the plane down?" asked the yokel, puzzled. "You don't have to brother about that," explained Yahya Khan. "Leave that to the Indian Air Force."

Never ask a woman her age

Nurse to Patient: How old are you, Mrs.Smith? Patient: None of your business. Nurse: But the doctor must know your age for his records. Patient: Well, first, multiply twenty by two, then add ten. Got that? Nurse: Yes. Fifty. Patient: All Right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do you get? Nurse: Zero. Patient: And that's exactly the chance of me telling you my age.

Real Situation for India- Pak nuclear war!

During the Cold War, if USA launched a nuke-loaded missile, Soviet satellites would inform the Soviet army in 3 seconds and in less than 5 seconds Soviet countermissiles would be on their way. That was their scenario. Now India Vs Pakistan Scenario If there is a nuclear war between India and Pakistan. The Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke-missile towards India. They don't need any permission from their

government, and promptly order the countdowns. Indian technology is highly advanced. In less than 8 seconds, Indian army detects the Pak Countdown and decides to launch a missile in retribution. But they need permission from the Government of India. They submit their request to the Indian President. The President forwards it to the Cabinet. The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session. The LS meets, but due to several walkouts and severe protests by the opposition, it gets adjourned and adjourned indefinitely. The President asks for a quick decision. In the mean time, the Pak missile failed to take off due to technical failure. Their attempts for a re- launch are still on. Just then the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because a party that was giving outside support withdraws it. The President asks the PM to prove his majority within a week. As the ruling party fails to win the confidence vote, a caretaker government is installed. The caretaker PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch a nuclear missile. But the Election Commission says that a caretaker government can not take such a decision because elections are at hand. A Public Interest Litigation is filed in the Supreme Court alleging misuse of power by the Election Commission. The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM, and says the acting PM is authorized to take this decision in view of the emergency facing the nation. Just then one of the Pak missiles successfully took off, but it fell 367 miles away from the target, on its own government building at 11.00AM. Fortunately, there were no casualties as no employee had reached the office that early. In any case, the nuclear core of the missile had detached somewhere in flight. The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China and USA.The Indian Government, taking no chances, decides to launch a nuclear missile of its own, after convening an all-party meeting. This time all the parties agree. Its three months since the army had sought permission. But as preparations begin, "pro-humanity", "anti-nuclear" activists come out against the Government's decision. Human chains are formed and Rasta Rokos organised. In California ...and .....Washington , endless e-mails are sent to Indians condemning the government, mentioning "Please forward it to as many Indians as possible". On the Pakistan side, the missiles kept malfunctioning. Some missiles deviate from target due to technical failures or high-speed wind blowing over Rajasthan. Many of them land in the Indian Ocean killing some fish. A missile (smuggled by Pakistan from USA) is pressed into service. Since the

Pakistan army is unable to understand its software, it therefore hits its original destination: Russia. Russia successfully intercepts the missile and in retaliation launches a nuclear missile towards Islamabad. The missile hits the target and creates havoc. Pakistan cries for help. India expresses deep regrets for what has happened and sends in a million dollars worth of Parle-G biscuits to Pakistan. Thus India never gets to launch the missile. Pakistan never gets it right. And we live happily since!

Married Soldier!
Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time. 1st Soldier: Why did you join the army? 2nd Soldier: I didn't have a wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army? 1st Soldier: I joined because I had a wife and I loved peace!

Daring Husband
A famous inspirational speaker said: "Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife." Audience was in shock and silence. He added: "She was my mother." (A big round of plause & laughter) A very daring husband tried to crack this at home. After dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen: "Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife" Standing for a moment, trying to recall the second line of that speaker... .

. . By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed, recovering from burns of boiling water! Moral: Don't Copy, if you can't Paste.

Husband's revenge!
A woman went shopping, at cash counter she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse. He couldn't control his curiosity and asked, "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?" She replied, "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today, so... The shopkeeper smiles and takes back all the items that the lady had purchased. Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper, What are you doing?" He said, "Your husband has blocked your credit card." MORAL: Respect the hobbies of your husband.

Little Johnny Farts in Class

Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out. He goes and sits outside the class and can't stop laughing. The principal walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. He says, "Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?" Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out." The principal says, "Well then, why are you laughing?" Little Johnny says, "Because the dumb idiots are sitting in the classroom smelling my fart while they put me outside in this beautiful, clean air."

Definitions of Designations
Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month. Consultant is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby. Site Engineer is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month. Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby. Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available. Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources. Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months. Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby. Third party auditor is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby. HR Manager is a person who thinks that... a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months !!!

Whose Mom!!!
Husband: Mom, called me and she is coming tomorrow, her train will reach by 4 O' Clock. Wife: What! She came just 4 months back, right? Why is she coming now? Tomorrow is Sunday, I thought of getting up late, but your mom had to come on a Sunday itself and that too morning 4:00 o'clock. Where will she get an auto at that time? I will not make any warm breakfast, she will have to do with biscuits and bread. The kids will also not go to play, as she spoils them by getting chocolates, toffees and pastries for them. For how many days is she going to stay? Husband: Not my mom, your mom is coming. Wife: Wow really! mom is coming. It's been more than 2 months I have seen her. Listen na, I have the number of the auto driver, please call him and tell him to reach the station on time tomorrow morning. It's good tomorrow is Sunday, I will

get up early and make breakfast. She will get cakes and cookies for the kids and they will play and enjoy with their grandmother. Hope she stays for a fortnight.