LONE WOLVES EPISODE - MONSTER TRUCK RALLY By Tom Gran & Martin Woolley

FADE IN: EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY A heap of mangled vehicles -- a truck, a hot rod and a motorcycle -- blocks the highway. The Wolves stand at the side of the road, looking sullenly at the wreckage. MICH turns to HAM. MICH Good work, guy, how the hell do you manage to flip a truck and make it not cool. BOSTON I thought it was pretty cool. MICH Shut up, man, it crushed my bike! BOSTON Hey, your son of a bitch bike totaled Desiree! He gestures to his car, now crumpled against the weight of the truck and bike -- its wheel falls off. HAMMOND Its your fault! Why were you shootin at my wheels anyway?! Now how are we gonna get to the monster truck rally? BOSTON lights a cigarette and storms off the down the road. MICH Where do you think youre goin?! Bus. BOSTON

MICH Buses are for suckers and women. All I need is my thumbs and my wits. He raises his thumb to hitch a ride pointing it dramatically toward the open road. A tumbleweed rolls past. HAMMOND Good luck with that. HAM follows BOSTON.

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EXT. BUS STOP - CONTD BOSTON and HAM arrive at a battered bus stop sticking out of the ground beside the desolate road. As HAMMOND inspects the timetable a coach screeches up beside them. The doors open and BOSTON hops on. HAMMOND turns. HAMMOND What are you doin? That aint our bus. BOSTON Bullshit, they all go to the same place. The doors shut. HAM catches sight of the sign on the side as it drives away -- Sonny Hills Day Trips for the Infirm. INT. CADILLAC - CONTD MICH scowls as a long tongue laps at the side of his face. We pull out to reveal a large pig sat between MICH and the driver, a scrawny man with manic eyes and a sun hat. The back of the open top car is piled high with bric-a-brac, which flies out behind them as the car swerves wildly down the highway. DRIVER Dont mind Kevin, he likes the taste of human flesh. MICH raises a hand to push the pig away. DRIVER (CONTD) Dont touch him, damn you! He has no self-control! They hit a pothole -- Kevin is flipped onto MICHs lap, where he writhes and squeals uncontrollably. DRIVER (CONTD) I said dont touch him! A trotter slams MICH square in the chops. INT. COACH - CONTD BOSTON walks down the length of the coach, scanning the elderly passengers. He spots a free seat next to a blind man and slumps down beside him. BOSTON Sweet shades.

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Im blind.

BLIND MAN

BOSTON Yeah, Im pretty wasted too. EXT. BUS STOP - CONTD HAM stands in the baking sun, staring blankly down the road. He turns to the bench beside the bus stop -- a bleached skeleton in a Monster Truck Rally 82 t-shirt flops against the back rest. HAM pulls it up by the forearm, checking the time on its battered old wristwatch. He sighs and squints sweat from his brow, the broken timetable slotting it onto his INT. CAR - CONTD MICH sits crammed into the backseat of a family sedan next to a sad-looking six-year-old girl. Her parents sit in the front seat bickering noisily. As the row intensifies, MICH turns to the daughter. MICH They always like this? She mumbles and nods. MICH (CONTD) Want a smoke? She nods again. He puts two cigarettes in his mouth, lights them and then hands one to the little girl. INT. COACH - CONTD The elderly passengers of the coach, smoosh their faces against the window with glee and the vehicle slows to a stop. The drivers voice comes in over the PA system. DRIVER Here we are folks, the worldfamous Museum of Teacups! The old people whoop. BOSTONs jaw falls open. up at the blazing desert sun. Wiping he grabs a piece of scrap metal from and folds it into a crude sun hat, head.

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EXT. BUS STOP - CONTD HAMs head sizzles as his poorly designed steel hat reaches oven-like temperatures under the suns glare. A small pack of vultures amble around him, pecking at his feet. He waves an arm lazily, mumbling to himself. HAMMOND Get outta here ya... CLOP! CLOP! A noise from beyond a nearby cactus patch grabs HAMMONDs attention. He pulls himself up, shuffling towards the source of the sound. With sunburnt hands, he parts the cacti. A majestic black unicorn with a sword for a horn stands nobly in the clearing. It snorts and a plume of flame erupts from its nose. Brutal. HAMMOND (CONTD)

The unicorn turns to him and begins to speak. UNICORN Hammond Indiana, it is your destiny... to see this monster truck rally! Climb upon my back, let us witness this glory together. HAMMOND approaches, hopping deftly onto his steed. Away! UNICORN (CONTD)

It takes off at a tremendous speed. HAMMOND beams as they tear down the highway. We cut back to reality -- HAMMOND hobbles madly down the road, straddling a huge cactus. HAMMOND I always knew youd come back! INT. AMBULANCE - CONTD MICH sits in the front seat beside a cheery paramedic. Behind them, his partner works away at an off-screen patient, blood spraying up at him. PARAMEDIC PARTNER Doug, he wont stop bleeding! What shall I do? PARAMEDIC DRIVER Just give him a minute, hell run out eventually.

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He turns to MICH. PARAMEDIC DRIVER (CONTD) So where did you say you were headed? MICH Monster truck rally. PARAMEDIC PARTNER Man, thats way cooler than the hospital! Lets go there! Road trip! PARAMEDIC DRIVER

They high-five. The operating paramedic leans in from the back of the ambulance. PARAMEDIC PARTNER Hey, Mich, can you wing me a heart from that cooler. He shoots the driver a cheeky wink. MICH opens a medical kit on the dashboard -- its full of beers. PARAMEDIC DRIVER WHOOOOOO! PARAMEDIC PARTNER WHOOOOOO!

MICH smiles and tosses bottles to the paramedics. They clink drinks and the DRIVER hits the siren. EXT. STADIUM - CONTD The ambulance skids off the road and slams into a tree. MICH and the paramedics tumble out the back. MICH runs to the entrance, grabbing a nearby usher. MICH Is it over?! Did we make it?! USHER You did not. A strongman emerges from the stadium, spinning a burning tyre. STRONGMAN You missed quite a show! A bunch of truck fans file out behind him, clutching various car parts and severed limbs. MICH watches, crestfallen as the bounty is carried past his face.

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Damn it!

MICH

He throws the usher aside and turns away. HAMMOND appears, straddling the cactus and laughing. HAMMOND We made it, buddy! We made it! MICH Ham, what the hell?! The PARAMEDIC pops up, syringe in hand. I got it. PARAMEDIC

He jams it in HAMs neck. HAM snaps out of it -- he looks down at the cactus between his legs and then up at MICH. HAMMOND Did we miss it? Yep. MICH

HAMMOND Fuckin unicorn. MICH looks up as BOSTON arrives, a teacup-shaped hat upon his head. MICH We missed it, Bos. BOSTON scoffs. BOSTON Pft, monster trucks? I got somethin thatll make you forget all about monster trucks. INT. TEACUP MUSEUM - CONTD MICH, HAMMOND and BOSTON -- all dressed in teacup merchandise -- stare ecstatically at a display of 18th century cups and saucers. HAMMOND Man, Boston, you werent kidding. MICH Yeah its like... You know what we dont use enough?

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Our teacup-

BOSTON

MICH Our teacup set! Yes!

BOSTON Well after you broke that saucer it justMICH I didnt break it! You broke itBOSTON Bullshit! You were usin it forHAMMOND Guys! Guys! Guys! ...Teacups. The three of them look happily down at the display. FADE OUT.