Screenplay

Stealin’
Screenplay by
BRUCE HATTENDORF
(360) 417-6238
Peninsula College,
1502 East Lauridsen Blvd.
Port Angeles, Washington 98363
November 18, 1997

page 2
EXT. STREET ON THE LOWER EAST SIDE - NIGHT
It’s night on the Lower East Side of Manhattan and

the street is full of the usual suspects - an
assortment of the hip and the down-and-out - skate
board punk rockers, beautiful young women in black,
guys selling stolen merchandise on the sidewalk.
CHRIS CARPENTER, a 25-year-old guy, hurries through

the crowd. He’s got a notebook under his arm. While
he doesn’t look sorely out of place, he doesn’t
obviously fit in either - he wears a flannel shirt,
jeans, and tennis shoes. A Yankees cap hides a
tussle of curly hair he hasn’t yet learned to
control.
A MAN walking in front of Chris fumbles with a bag.

He drops something, but doesn’t notice and keeps
right on going, turning down a side street.
Chris watches the piece of paper fall to the ground,

but in his hurry almost passes it. On second look,
something catches his eye. He stops abruptly and
goes back for a look.
It’s a TWENTY DOLLAR BILL. Chris quickly snatches it

up and dashes after its owner.
EXT. STREET ON THE LOWER EAST SIDE - NIGHT
The man walks quickly down a darkened side street.
Chris runs after him, waving the bill.
CHRIS
Hey, you dropped this!
The man walks more quickly.

page 3
CHRIS
Sir! Sir!
The man turns abruptly, ready for a fight. Chris,

panting, comes to a halt in front of him and holds
out the bill.
CHRIS
I think you dropped this back
there.
The man looks at Chris incredulously, does nothing.

Chris thrusts the bill at him.
CHRIS
I think this is yours.
The man takes the bill cautiously, looks at it, then

puts it in his pocket, still looking wary.
MAN
Thanks, kid.
INT. LOWER EAST SIDE CAFE - NIGHT
In the performance space of a poetry cafe, a stylish

AFRICAN AMERICAN WOMAN recites poetry to the
accompaniment of an upright bass. Her delivery is
dramatic and she has the audience’s rapt attention,
except...
TABLE
Chris, who sits at a small table alone, fidgets and

looks toward the door. The cafe is packed with the
same types as we saw on the street. Black clothing,
body piercings, unusual hair colors. A few bookish
intellectuals, but mostly artists and punks.
page 4
STAGE
The woman finishes her reading to thunderous

applause.
TABLE
Chris fumbles for his notebook, spilling coffee on

it. He attempts to dry it off as his eyes dart again
toward the door.
DOOR
GWEN has just come in and is paying cover to the

doorman. She’s an attractive woman, but out of her
neighborhood - her hair is big, her sweater is
bright and patterned and suburban, and her long
manicured nails are Lifesaver red. She squints into
the crowd, looking for Chris.
Gwen squeezes into the seat next to Chris. (Gwen is

from Long Island and sounds like it. Chris has a
slight Midwestern accent.)
GWEN
I’m sorry I’m late, honey.
Parking is terrible down here.
CHRIS
You parked your car down here? I
thought you were going to take
the train this time.
GWEN
(smiles at him)
You’re sweet. I’ll be fine. I put
up one of those signs that say I
have no radio.
page 5
CHRIS
Gwen, you drive your father’s
Mazda. It’s not an inconspicuous
car.
GWEN
You haven’t kissed me yet.
Chris leans across the table and kisses Gwen quickly

on the lips. She holds his face and brings him back
for more. He pulls free, embarrassed.
CHRIS
I’m up next.
GWEN
You’re so sexy when you’re
nervous.
On stage, the MC, a guy wearing sun glasses, a

brimmed hat, T-shirt and baggy sports jacket, grabs
the mike.
MC
And next up, a guy who’s reading
for the first time here at Poetry
Blast. Let’s have a hand for
Chris Carpenter!
Chris grabs his notebook and stands abruptly

knocking his knees on the bottom of the small table
and spilling what’s left of his coffee. Gwen reacts
immediately by hailing the surly waitress.
GWEN
Excuse me! Could we have some
extra napkins?
page 6
Chris approaches the mike as if it might bite him.
CHRIS
(nervously)
Thanks. I wrote this for my
girlfriend who’s in the audience
tonight.
AUDIENCE
Audience members are already looking bored.
STAGE
CHRIS
(reading haltingly,
in monotone)
In my mind’s dusk, you are
starlight.
In the desert of my soul, a
drink.
Your slender hands move and move
me
And your smile rearranges my
world.
AUDIENCE
GUY WITH A SHAVED HEAD rolls his eyes and takes a

drag of his cigarette.
STAGE
CHRIS
Under the blanket’s tent, we are
children,
unaware our fantasies are just a
game.
page 7
We make ourselves in God’s image

And find God in the image of our
embrace.
Chris nervously closes his notebook and steps away

from the mike, nodding to indicate the poem is done.
The audience claps politely, except...
Gwen, who beams, and claps loudly.
INT. ANOTHER CAFE - NIGHT
This cafe is nearly empty. Gwen sits at a table

examining her nails. Chris comes from the counter
balancing two cups of coffee and a piece of
chocolate cake.
GWEN
It looks wonderful.
CHRIS
(sitting)
At least something about tonight
will be wonderful.
GWEN
You were the best one up there.
CHRIS
It sucked. I made a fool out of
myself.
GWEN
(patronizing)
It was very romantic.
CHRIS
It’s just, you know, I mean I see
those people up there and I think
page 8
that could be me if I just had a

little more time to spend on it.
Did you get the God thing at the

end?
GWEN
(putting her hand
on his knee)
I liked the part about my hands.
CHRIS
I mean, it was just a simple love
poem. I was trying an e.e.
cummings sort of thing. But I
think I could do a more extended
piece.
Did you ever read The Man with

the Blue Guitar?
GWEN
Dr. Seuss?
CHRIS
No, Wallace Stevens. He’s
brilliant.
GWEN
(shrugs)
Never heard of him.
When’s Sebastian coming to town?
CHRIS
Can we not talk about Sebastian.
I was talking about real authors.
page 9
GWEN
Sebastian Foster is a real
author. You know, you shouldn’t
be such a snob, Chris. Somebody
like Sebastian Foster does people
a lot more good than this George
Wallace you’re talking about.
CHRIS
Wallace Stevens. He’s a great
poet. Sebastian Foster is just
some New Age self-help guru. He’s
not a writer.
Gwen takes a huge mouthful of chocolate cake.
GWEN
Have it your way, but I like him.
INT. CLYDESDALE PRESS - DAY
An oil painting of SEBASTIAN FOSTER fills the

screen. He’s portrayed as a middle-aged man with a
silver beard and glistening eyes. There are several
celestial bodies shining in the heavens behind him.
It’s a good likeness, but painted with the sort of
craftsmanship usually reserved for black velvet.
Two DELIVERY BOYS carry the painting down a corridor

at Clydesdale Press. Along the interior wall of the
corridor are open cubicles. This is where the
editorial assistants sit. Along the outer wall are
offices with doors and windows. These are the
editors’ offices. The editorial assistants are
busily typing. The editors’ offices are mostly
empty.
As the delivery boys travel toward the end of the

corridor, we see Chris at his desk.
page 10
Chris looks awkward in his work clothes - he wears a

badly tied narrow tie and a moth eaten sweater vest.
His hair, as always, is in need of a stylist.
Chris rips a piece of paper from his typewriter in

frustration and crumples it. He’s about to toss it
in the trash when he looks up and sees the painting.
CHRIS
Oh my God. Is that it?
DELIVERY BOY
Is Naomi in? She’s supposed to
sign for it.
CHRIS
(with mild sarcasm)
What time is it?
DELIVERY BOY
Nine fifteen.
CHRIS
I’ll sign.
(looks again at the
painting)
She’s going to have a fit when
she sees this.
INT. CHRIS’S DESK - DAY
Chris sits on his desk staring blankly at the

painting, which is now perched atop a filing
cabinet.
ROBERT, a freelance artist approximately the same

age as Chris, rounds the corner, whistling, with two
cups of coffee. Robert is dressed casually, but
compared to Chris, he’s fashionable. His short spiky
hair is dyed blonde. He is good looking, lanky.
page 11
Robert sees the painting and stops dead, his jaw

dropped.
ROBERT
Fabulous!
He hands Chris his cup of coffee.
ROBERT
You people have really outdone
yourselves.
CHRIS
Don’t talk to me.
ROBERT
Look, I brought you coffee, what
do you want?
Chris slides off the desk, back into his chair.
CHRIS
I gotta get out of here.
ROBERT
You know, you should really try
medication. They’re doing great
things these days.
CHRIS
I had a bad night last night and
this isn’t making it any better.
Down the hallway, they hear a piercing shriek!
ROBERT
(looking at his
watch)
She’s early today. Better go.
page 12
The source of the shriek is NAOMI SCHNELL, a large

middle aged woman with a commanding presence.
ROBERT
(with false warmth)
Good morning, Naomi!
NAOMI
(ignoring him)
Chris! I need to see you in my
office right away!
She breezes regally past, slamming her office door

behind her. Robert smiles at Chris and waves as he
walks backward down the hallway, still looking at
the painting.
INT. NAOMI’S OFFICE DAY
Naomi has just deposited her weight behind her desk.

The office is a wreck. Manuscripts, folders and
books scattered everywhere.
Naomi rummages through some folders. Chris opens the

door and enters cautiously.
NAOMI
(to no one)
What a crock of shit!
Chris slinks toward the couch and tries to clear

some room to sit down. Naomi speaks quickly,
flitting from subject to subject.
NAOMI
(to Chris)
Five thousand dollars for that
piece of shit!
page 13
(waving it off)
Oh well, what’s done is done.
Where did we find the artist,
anyway? I mean, can you believe?
Where do we get these people?
CHRIS
I don’t know.
NAOMI
I’m going to need several letters
sent out. Do you have that
contract for Sebastian?
CHRIS
Yes.
NAOMI
And, of course, the calls about
the flowers for the banquet.
CHRIS
Yes.
NAOMI
You read the manuscript I gave
you last night? I mean, it’s
marvelous, isn’t it? I think
she’s a first rate talent. I
mean, finally, a great novelist.
You liked it?
CHRIS
Well, I actually...
NAOMI
Of course you liked it.
Don’t pay the artist, by the way.

Hold up his check till he screams
page 14
for it. I mean what a piece of

shit. And the banquet tomorrow.
Well, Sebastian will probably be
too drunk to know the difference.
CHRIS
I needed to ask you about the
correspondence you need sent out.
I didn’t get all the addresses.
NAOMI
Now tomorrow I need everything to
be perfect. Sebastian’s a schmuck
but he’s my schmuck and
Clydesdale and I are very
grateful for his sales.
And if this banquet goes really

well maybe Harold - God bless him
- will start letting me sign some
real books.
CHRIS
Yes.
NAOMI
And you liked the novel?
CHRIS
Yeah, what I read.
Chris hunting and pecking on his typewriter. WILBUR,

the guy in the cubicle next to him, is having a
phone conversation. Wilbur is the biggest misfit in
a publisher full of misfits. A real life revenge of
the nerd.
page 15
WILBUR
(sweetly)
Well how about if you come over
tonight? I mean there are
certain, you know, biological
urges we could attend to.
Chris, trying not to listen, keeps pecking at the

typewriter. Wilbur giggles.
WILBUR
Yes, well, you could say that.
Tonight then?
In frustration, Chris rips paper out of typewriter.
CHRIS
Fuck this thing! We must be the
last business in the city without
computers.
INT. CORRIDOR - DUSK
A weary-looking Chris carries an armload of

manuscripts. He passes a window and sees the sun
going down.
INT. XEROX ROOM - NIGHT
A manuscript is automatically fed through the xerox

machine.
Watching the machine from a desk in the corner,

Chris speaks apologetically on the phone.
CHRIS
I know I said we would get
together tonight.
page 16
Yeah, I know. I didn’t know today

would be so crazy. I was hoping
to get home early to do some
writing, then see you. But it’s
so late, I’m just going to go
home, write a bit and go to bed.
Is that OK?
Yeah. Me too.
The xerox machine starts making a loud noise. Then

starts hurling papers.
CHRIS
Gwen, I gotta go.
He dashes to the machine, just as it grinds to a

halt. He looks at the instruction panel.
CHRIS
Yeah, like I can find a key
operator.
EXT. EAST VILLAGE STREET - NIGHT
Chris, looking like he’s been through hell, staggers

home to his apartment building.
INT. CHRIS’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Chris stares at a blank computer screen, his hands

on the keyboard. Nothing is coming.
He gets up and rummages through a drawer. Finally

pulls out and pen and an ash tray and sits back
down. He sucks on the pen as if it was a cigarette,
then taps it into the ash tray. He stares helplessly
at the screen. Still nothing. He tries another drag.
From behind him, there’s a sound.

page 17
ROBERT
Won’t work. There’s no nicotine
in that pen.
Chris turns to see Robert at the window, standing on

the fire escape.
CHRIS
What are you? Batman?
Robert climbs in through the open window.
ROBERT
You know you should really
tighten the security in this
place. Anybody can get in.
CHRIS
Apparently.
ROBERT
Working on the masterpiece?
CHRIS
Trying.
ROBERT
I have just the thing to help.
CHRIS
And that would be?
ROBERT
Come out for a drink with me.
CHRIS
Robert, I have to write.
page 18
ROBERT
(imitating Chris’s
whine)
I have to write! Isn’t that what
Nicholson says in the Shining
right before he goes nuts and
starts trying to axe everyone?
Come on. I saw that painting you

had to sit next to all day. You
need a drink.
CHRIS
I can’t.
EXT. SIDEWALK LOWER EAST SIDE - NIGHT
Chris strolls lazily, letting his hand run across a

fence that surrounds the housing project he and
Robert are passing. Robert smokes a cigarette.
ROBERT
You know you don’t have to work
for her. There are plenty of
other jobs.
CHRIS
I want to work on fiction and
poetry. With my clerical skills
she was the only one crazy enough
to hire me.
ROBERT
What’s she published lately that
you like?
CHRIS
She’s moving into more
interesting things.
page 19
ROBERT
Like that piece of crap you were
supposed to read last night?
CHRIS
I only glanced at it.
ROBERT
Naomi wouldn’t know a good piece
of writing if it bit her.
Let me show you something.
Robert stops, puts his hand on Chris’s shoulder and

points to the corner they are approaching.
Standing out against the darkened East Village

street is a big shiny, generic cafe. The huge sign
says MOON BEAMS.
ROBERT
That is what this society is
becoming. Culture is slowly,
insidiously being replaced by
chain stores. It’s the final
defeat of the American
imagination.
CHRIS
The coffee’s pretty good.
ROBERT
That’s exactly what they want you
to believe. They think if they
put in a few brass fixtures, hire
pretty waitresses and serve
croissants you’ll ignore the fact
they’re peddling a formula.
page 20
They’re no different from any

burger chain.
CHRIS
Yeah, but if people like it,
what’s the problem?
ROBERT
People like it because it’s easy.
Same reason they go for
Sebastian’s self help books. They
want everything gift wrapped.
Life is messier than that. An

artist needs to celebrate the
mess.
CHRIS
Robert, you do freelance book
covers.
ROBERT
(shrugs)
You also gotta eat.
EXT. SIDEWALK OUTSIDE KOREAN GROCER - NIGHT
Robert stops in front of a corner store, takes a

quick last drag on his cigarette and puts it out.
Chris looks at him quizzically.
ROBERT
It’s a nice night. Let’s just get
some beer and take it to the
park.
CHRIS
Is that a good idea?
page 21
ROBERT
Sure it’s a good idea.
EXT. SIDEWALK OUTSIDE KOREAN GROCER - NIGHT
Robert and Chris exit the store, holding beer

bottles in paper bags. Robert twists off the top of
his beer and takes a drink. Chris looks up and down
the street nervously. He plays with the cap on his
bottle, but doesn’t open it.
EXT. WASHINGTON SQUARE PARK - NIGHT
Washington Square Park is ghostly at night,

populated by shadowy creatures - skate punks, guitar
players with dred locks, drug dealers.
Robert stands on the side of a dry fountain. Chris

sits cradling his beer. He takes a cautious sip.
CHRIS
Look, after we finish, let’s go
someplace else. I’m cold.
ROBERT
You are so uptight! It’s a nice
night. Nothing’s going to happen.
A POLICE OFFICER appears out of the darkness.
COP
What’s in the bags, boys?
Robert turns, surprised. He’s about to answer, when

Chris cuts him off.
CHRIS
(glumly)
It’s beer.
page 22
COP
Please step over here and empty
the bottles. I’m going to need to
see some I.D.
ROBERT
You’re joking me.
CHRIS
(alarmed)
Robert!
ROBERT
This is Washington Square Park
and you’re going to bust us for
drinking beer? Do you have any
idea what’s going on around you?
COP
Just show me your I.D., sir.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
Chris slumps on bar stool staring at a shot of

scotch. Robert sits straight, smoking.
CHRIS
Fifty bucks. I can’t even afford
next month’s rent as it is. I
can’t believe you.
ROBERT
They’ll throw it out of court.
The cop was going for an easy
summons. There were drug dealers
ten feet from us he wasn’t
touching.
page 23
CHRIS
It’ll stand up. This always
happens. I was one of those kids
who always got caught when I
broke the rules.
ROBERT
I wish you’d told me that before.
CHRIS
Can I have a cigarette?
ROBERT
No.
CHRIS
My life sucks. Give me a
cigarette.
ROBERT
You know you just need to make up
your mind, take a decisive
action.
CHRIS
You didn’t need to provoke that
cop, either.
ROBERT
Be a smoker. Or be a non-smoker.
Just be something. Quit your job
or be happy with it. Break up
with Gwen or move to the suburbs.
You don’t even like her.
CHRIS
(Defensively)
I like her.
page 24
ROBERT
The only reason you date Gwen is
because she’s safe. You knew
she’d go out with you.
CHRIS
I hate it when you get like this.
ROBERT
Come on. If you could have any
woman you choose, who would it
be? Fantasize.
At the front of the bar, the door opens. ARIEL, a

beautiful woman in her early twenties with short
cropped hair, a nose stud and a leather jacket steps
in and surveys the bar.
CHRIS
I’ll take her. Now give me a
cigarette.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
At POOL TABLE in back of bar, Chris cues up a corner

shot as Robert watches. Chris takes a long time
lining up the shot. Robert looks at his watch.
Finally Chris takes the shot. The ball misses the
hole by an inch.
CHRIS
I just can’t get a break.
ROBERT
Here it comes.
CHRIS
I moved here to write a damn
book. And what do I do? I spend
all my time reading bad
page 25
manuscripts and trying to pay my

rent.
ROBERT
(lining up his
shot)
And losing to me in pool.
Robert takes his shot and sinks it. Robert lines up

another shot.
ROBERT
You’re letting people beat you.
Excuse the obvious metaphor, but
you let someone else control the
table, they get to call all the
shots.
FRONT BAR
Ariel turns abruptly on the guy sitting next to her

and throws her drink on him. He looks shocked.
ARIEL
Keep your fucking hands to
yourself!
(to the bartender)
Tell your friend to behave
himself next time. I’ll need
another drink.
POOL TABLE
Chris stares across bar at Ariel. Robert points with

his pool stick.
ROBERT
That’s exactly what I mean.
page 26
FRONT BAR
Ariel takes her drink and leans defiantly against

the wall. A woman who apparently knows her comes
over to express sympathy. Ariel waves it off.
POOL TABLE
CHRIS
She’s amazing.
ROBERT
So go talk to her.
CHRIS
I can’t talk to her! You saw what
she just did!
ROBERT
The guy was a pig. Go tell her
you loved what she just did.
CHRIS
I can’t.
ROBERT
(concentrating on
his next shot)
Exactly what I’ve been talking
about.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
The bar door in the pouring rain. Chris opens the

door, looks with horror at the rain and pulls his
coat over his head. Robert steps out bareheaded. He
looks up at the sky and spreads out his hands.
page 27
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
As they walk home, Robert dances in circles,

drenched. Chris is sulking, with his jacket still
over his head.
ROBERT
This feels amazing. Come on! Get
wet! I dare you.
Robert pushes Chris. Chris tries to avoid him.

Robert pushes again. Chris stumbles over his feet,
almost falls. When Robert comes for another push,
Chris is ready for him and pushes back.
Robert grabs Chris’s head. Chris struggles to free

himself and falls backward.
Robert pounces toward him. Both go sprawling toward

the street where the gutter is overflowing with
water.
A TAXI barrels by, dousing them both with a wave.
Robert grabs Chris by the hair and starts splashing

water from the gutter on to him.
CHRIS
Get off me you fucking lunatic!
Chris tackles Robert into the gutter and they flop

around until they finally pull themselves up on the
curb, exhausted and laughing.
ROBERT
You’re wet.
CHRIS
You’re nuts.
page 28
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Chris’s stoop is visible down the block. Robert and

Chris hang on each other, still laughing.
CHRIS
This is my stop.
ROBERT
Who’s that sitting on your stoop?
CHRIS’S STOOP
Under a large red umbrella, sits Gwen, looking

wilted and miserable.
STREET
CHRIS
Shit.
EXT. CHRIS’S STOOP - NIGHT
Chris approaches cautiously. Robert strolls behind

him, at a safe distance.
CHRIS
What are you doing here?
GWEN
(tearing up)
You said you’d be home writing
late. I felt sorry for you so I
brought you cookies.
CHRIS
Gwen, I can explain.
GWEN
I think it’s self explanatory.
page 29
Gwen leaps to her feet, shoves a cookie tin into

Chris’s hands and runs toward her car.
EXT. GWEN’S CAR - NIGHT
Gwen is fumbling with her key, while still trying to

keep her umbrella above her head. Chris tries to
lean under the umbrella to talk to her.
CHRIS
I was going to stay home. Robert
showed up.
GWEN
I thought you were different. I
believed you when you kept
telling me how busy you were.
God, I am such a fool.
Gwen manages to open the door and struggles to get

her umbrella closed. She hits Chris with the
umbrella to back him away from the door.
GWEN
My mother told me to stay away
from guys who write poetry.
There’s something wrong there,
she said!
CHRIS
Gwen!
GWEN
I’m out of here.
Gwen slams the door.
Chris runs his hand over his face as he watches

Gwen’s red tail lights disappear through the rain.
page 30
INT. CHRIS’S OFFICE - DAY
Chris sits at his desk, his head in his hands,

obviously hung over.
Naomi sweeps past Chris’s desk.
NAOMI
I need your notes on that novel
by this afternoon.
CHRIS
I haven’t finished it yet.
NAOMI
I promised Mary Louise I would
have my notes by this afternoon.
You have to finish them.
CHRIS
You never gave me a deadline.
NAOMI
I’m giving you one now. Is
everything set for the caterer
tonight?
CHRIS
Yeah, I think everything’s fine.
HAROLD EASTMAN, a nattily dressed, short balding man

in his fifties, breezes past Chris toward his
office, which is next to Naomi’s.
The plate on the door says HAROLD EASTMAN,

PUBLISHER.
Without looking at her, he addresses Naomi.

page 31
HAROLD
Naomi, I need to see you in my
office.
NAOMI
I’ll be right in, Harold.
HAROLD
Oh and... Charles... Charles, do
be a good boy and go down the
street and get me an apple. I’m
famished.
CHRIS
(under his breath)
It’s Chris.
EXT. KOREAN GROCER - DAY
Chris rummages through a basket for an apple. Behind

him (and unseen by him) Ariel enters the shop.
Chris turns toward the counter, apple in hand. He

sees Ariel and almost drops the apple.
Ariel chooses a muffin from a basket by the register

and puts it on the counter.
ARIEL
And a cup of coffee please.
The woman behind the counter pours the coffee.
WOMAN
That’s $2.40.
ARIEL
$2.40? How much is the muffin?
page 32
The woman doesn’t answer and Ariel begins to rummage

in her pocket, pulling out a couple of crumpled
bills and some change.
ARIEL
I’m short a few cents.
Overhearing, Chris begins to fumble in his pockets

for pennies, but as he reaches out his hand with the
change, the woman at the counter says:
WOMAN
Don’t worry about it. You can
settle up next time.
ARIEL
Thanks.
EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY
Chris hurries out of the Korean deli, holding the

apple.
Ariel is already two blocks away, walking casually,

sipping her coffee as she goes.
Chris stares after her a moment. Then shakes his

head and tosses the apple lightly in the air.
INT. HAROLD’S OFFICE - DAY
Harold leans back in his chair behind a huge desk.

Naomi paces with agitation in front of it.
NAOMI
He doesn’t need a personal
escort. He’s got a whole
entourage.
page 33
HAROLD
Someone from Clydesdale needs to
meet him at the airport. He’s our
top selling author.
NAOMI
I have a meeting with a novelist
this afternoon.
Chris knocks lightly at the door and enters,

cautiously holding out the apple.
CHRIS
Excuse me. Your apple, sir?
NAOMI
Chris, do you have plans this
afternoon?
CHRIS
I was going to work on those
notes.
NAOMI
Forget about the notes. We have
something more important for you
to do.
EXT. CAR ON HIGHWAY - DAY
Chris sits slumped in the back seat of a limo, stuck

in traffic, looking miserable.
INT. AIRPORT - DAY
Chris rushes through a crowd toward the baggage

area. He carries a handwritten sign reading
SEBASTIAN FOSTER.
page 34
As he stumbles toward the baggage area, he sees

SEBASTIAN FOSTER, looking very much like his
portrait, standing impatiently. A busty blonde with
a worried look on her face clings to his arm.
SEBASTIAN
You’re late. Nobody keeps me
waiting.
CHRIS
Sorry, there was traffic.
SEBASTIAN
Here, take my bags.
CHRIS
Yes sir.
Chris circles a large pile of bags, trying to decide

the best strategy for carrying them.
He grabs them up awkwardly and stumbles after

Sebastian and his escort, who are already on their
way out the exit door, toward the car.
INT. CAR ON HIGHWAY - DUSK
Chris sits in the front seat looking uncomfortable.
Sebastian hangs on his mistress in the back seat. He

pulls a flask from his pocket, takes a drink and
offers some to his mistress, who giggles as she sips
from it.
SEBASTIAN
I hate these things, you know,
but it’s the price of fame. You
have to let people kiss up to
you.
page 35
(to mistress)
You can kiss up to me all you
want.
MISTRESS
Oh Sebastian.
INT. BANQUET ROOM - NIGHT
In a dimly lit banquet hall, Naomi, in formal

attire, smiles broadly as she greets Sebastian.
Howard stands at her side in a tux. Sebastian is
accompanied by the blonde.
NAOMI
Oh, darling, you look terrific.
We are so thrilled.
SEBASTIAN
Naomi, dear, you look like you’ve
gained weight.
INT. BANQUET ROOM KITCHEN - NIGHT
Chris, wearing a tweed sports coat that is too large

for him and another badly tied tie, dodges a caterer
with an hors d’oeuvre tray as he works his way
through the kitchen.
The head caterer inspects a tray of stuffed

mushrooms, just out of the over.
Chris approaches him.
CHRIS
My boss sent me back here to see
how you’re doing.
page 36
CATERER
Considering the fact I was told
this would be a smaller party
than it is, we’re fine. We
haven’t run out of food yet.
CHRIS
Anything I can do to help?
CATERER
(looks at Chris
skeptically)
Well, I am short at one of the
bars, if you want to help out
there.
INT. BANQUET ROOM DRINKS TABLE - NIGHT
A crowd of people squeezes in front of the table.

NICK, the bartender, calmly pours a glass of wine.
Chris frantically pulls two bottles of beer from an

ice tub in back of the table. He tries to open one
as he turns back to the customers. It froths over
and Chris unsuccessfully tries to stem the flood
with a towel.
Finally he sets the beer on the floor and grabs

another for the customer. The man frowns at him as
he hands him the beer.
Nick speaks with an English accent.
NICK
(with tolerance)
Why don’t you just hand me the
bottles?
page 37
INT. BANQUET ROOM - NIGHT
Sebastian stands behind a podium, oozing charm. The

audience applauds and Sebastian hold up his hands to
get them to stop. He smiles broadly.
SEBASTIAN
I’d like to thank you all for
coming tonight. All this
attention is really rather
overwhelming. I am indeed
humbled.
But it’s not me who deserves the

credit for the success of my
books. That success is due to the
human spirit in each of my
readers. The desire to strive for
enlightenment, to improve one’s
life. I have only offered a road
map for others to find truth
within themselves. I am a humble
conduit for some very profound,
but universal ideas.
BAR
Now that the speech has started, there’s no crowd at

the bar. Nick sits on a stack of beer cashes. Chris,
looking a wreck, leans on the wall next to him. Nick
turns to Chris and whispers.
NICK
And a bloody rich conduit at
that.
PODIUM
Naomi approaches the podium, beaming falsely.

page 38
NAOMI
Sebastian, I’d just like to say
what a thrill it is to have you
here tonight. Our lives at
Clydesdale Press have been deeply
enriched by our association with
you and we look forward to
continued mutual success.
And now, as a token of our

profound admiration, we would
like to present you with a gift.
Naomi motions to the side.
Harold approaches the podium with two women who

carry the painting, which is veiled and sitting on a
display easel. They set it up in front of Sebastian.
NAOMI
We had this commissioned in your
honor. Harold?
Harold unveils the painting.
Several people in the audience almost snicker.
BAR
NICK
You’re fucking joking.
PODIUM
SEBASTIAN
(retaining his
composure)
Oh, Naomi, I’m overwhelmed.
page 39
BAR
Applause in the background. Nick turns to Chris.
NICK
You know I read somewhere that
guy wrote his first book in jail
for dealing junk bonds. Only in
America. He pretends to have a
spiritual rebirth in jail, uses
his time there to write a book,
then gets out in time for his
book signing.
CHRIS
You’re kidding.
NICK
Look it up. He’s your author.
INT. BANQUET HALL - NIGHT
The party is breaking up. Naomi and Harold accompany

Sebastian and the blonde to the coat check room.
NAOMI
You don’t like the painting.
SEBASTIAN
Really, darling, I’m touched, but
I can’t cart that thing back to
the hotel. Have your people ship
it to me.
NAOMI
We’ll send it right out.
SEBASTIAN
Lovely evening. Thank you both so
much.
page 40
(kissing the
blonde)
Well, must get back to the hotel.
INT. BANQUET HALL - NIGHT
Harold and Naomi watch Sebastian and his lady get on

the elevator.
HAROLD
His wife is lovely.
NAOMI
Oh, Harold, really.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Chris struggles with the painting which is too large

to be carried easily by one person. He tries to hail
a cab, but it drives past.
INT. POLISH RESTAURANT - DAY
Chris and Robert sit in a booth in a crowded Lower

East Side Polish restaurant.
Robert takes a huge bite of the mound of eggs and

corned beef hash in front of him. Chris nibbles from
a bagel.
Chris’s hair is wild and there are bags under his

eyes - he obviously has slept little or fitfully.
Robert, as usual, looks great. After a pause for
eating, Robert speaks.
ROBERT
You know, I can give you the
number of my hair stylist.
CHRIS
Lay off.
page 41
ROBERT
If you’re going to play this
game, you can’t get depressed by
its rules.
CHRIS
The guy’s a complete sham and he
makes more money off one public
appearance than most serious
writers get for an advance.
ROBERT
It’s not about talent or
sincerity. It’s what I’ve been
telling you. It’s presentation.
CHRIS
Maybe I should just get thrown
into jail. It worked for
Sebastian.
ROBERT
What do you mean?
CHRIS
Some guy told me last night that
Sebastian was originally a junk
bond dealer. He got thrown into
jail for insider trading and used
the time to write a book.
I mean it’s perfect, right? What

are the main obstacles to writing
- time, money, distractions. Jail
takes away all of that. You
certainly don’t have to worry
about paying rent.
page 42
ROBERT
I think you’re on to something.
CHRIS
Yeah, right. I could go to jail,
become a Jehovah’s witness, and
write a memoir about how God
saved my life. Do the talk show
circuit. People love a good
redemption story.
ROBERT
No. But the basic concept is
good.
CHRIS
Bob.
ROBERT
Don’t call me Bob. I’m serious.
This is perfect for you. All we
have to do is to come up with a
crime.
CHRIS
I was joking. I can’t commit a
crime.
ROBERT
It’ll be easy. You said yourself
you get caught whenever you break
the rules. We’ll just turn your
bad luck to your advantage.
CHRIS
Going to jail is not to my
advantage!
page 43
ROBERT
And scraping for a living working
for Naomi is?
CHRIS
You’re insane.
ROBERT
I’ve never been more clear.
INT. LOWER EAST SIDE STORE - DAY
Robert looks out over a shelf of Elvis statuettes.
The store is small, colorful, stacked from floor to

ceiling with kitsch items - plastic toys, 3-D Jesus
Postcards, various images of cultural icons - Elvis,
Marilyn, James Dean.
Across the room Chris inspects a Brady Bunch T-

shirt.
ROBERT
Let her go. She was wrong for
you.
CHRIS
I just feel shitty about it.
ROBERT
Come to this party tonight. You
can meet someone new.
CHRIS
I hate costume parties.
ROBERT
Costumes are optional. It’ll be
fun.
page 44
INT. STAIRWELL - NIGHT
Chris cautiously climbs a darkened stairway in a

warehouse-like apartment building. Paint on the
walls is chipping. The wide stairwell echoes with
his footsteps. A few floors above him the sound of
voices and music from the party seep through a door.
Dressed in T-shirt, jeans, and a well-worn and baggy

sports jacket, Chris stops on the stairway for a
moment and listens.
INT. PARTY - NIGHT
The apartment door opens. Chris slumps in the door

way as he’s hit by sound and smoke.
A hefty woman dressed as a butterfly takes Chris’s

hand.
BUTTERFLY
Come on in.
INT. PARTY - NIGHT
Chris surveys the room. The apartment is a huge

gallery space and it’s packed. A spinning disco ball
shoots shafts of light from the center of the dance
floor. Almost everyone wears an elaborate costume.
The music is loud and insistent.
Chris stands like a deer in headlights, shell-

shocked.
A hand grabs his shoulder, making him jump. He

whirls to find Robert, dressed as the caterpillar
from Alice in Wonderland, a hookah in one hand.
page 45
CHRIS
You told me this wasn’t really a
costume party.
ROBERT
I lied.
(turning to two
women standing
nearby)
To the kitchen with him!!
Robert and one of the women grab Chris by the

shoulders and push him in the direction of the
kitchen.
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
Chris is roughly shuffled through the kitchen door.
A man without a costume stands by the kitchen table.

Two women dressed as angels are attending to him.
One is painting his face, the other wrapping the top
of his head in tinfoil.
Chris looks around and sees a number of other people

in tinfoil costumes, each one different.
Robert gives Chris a quick shove forward.
ROBERT
Here’s another one for you!
A big drunken guy dressed as a GLADIATOR sweeps a

bottle off the counter and screams:
GLADIATOR
Penalty shot!
Chris looks in horror as the gladiator pours whiskey

into a Dixie cup.
page 46
The Gladiator pushes the cup toward Chris.
GLADIATOR
You gotta do a penalty shot!
CHRIS
(trying to push it
away)
I don’t want a penalty shot!
ROBERT
House rules.
GLADIATOR
(grabbing another
cup)
Resistance is futile! That’s two
penalty shots!
ROBERT
It’ll keep going up.
Robert takes the first cup from the Gladiator and

hands it to Chris as he escorts him toward the
table.
Chris downs the cup in a swift gulp.
The angels, who have finished with the alien they

were creating, smile and clap. The Gladiator
screams.
GLADIATOR
Penalty shot! Penalty shot!
INT. PARTY - NIGHT
Chris, now wrapped in tinfoil to look like the Tin

Man from the Wizard of Oz, stands by the booze table
page 47
at the outskirts of the dance floor. Drinking,

looking miserable.
On his tinfoil breastplate, a heart has been drawn

with red lipstick. Light from the disco ball
reflects off his tinfoil hat and nose.
He takes a swig of whiskey and stares at the dance

floor.
DANCE FLOOR
The dance floor is full of pretty people in costume.

Model-like women, dark well-toned guys. An arts
crowd.
BOOZE TABLE
Chris clears a corner of the table and hops up to

sit. The table is less stable than he thought. Like
a seesaw, the end he sits on goes down as the
opposite end flies up, sending a couple of bottles
crashing to the floor.
Chris stands quickly.
DANCE FLOOR
The pretty people turn to look, then go back to

dancing.
BOOZE TABLE
Chris crawls on his hands and knees, picking up

glass and trying to clean up the booze with a towel.
He picks up a jagged shard of glass and cuts

himself. He winces. It’s bleeding.
ARIEL
Can I help you with that?
page 48
Chris turns to see a woman wearing a formal dress

and a gorilla mask (Ariel). The mask only covers
part of her face - her mouth and chin are exposed.
CHRIS
Who are you?
ARIEL
Fay Wray and King Kong’s
illegitimate daughter.
CHRIS
Nice.
ARIEL
Let me see that.
(she takes his hand
and examines it.)
Doesn’t look too bad. It’s doused
in alcohol, anyway.
Here let me help you.
She picks up a piece of glass.
ARIEL
You know, that was the funniest
thing I’ve seen all night.
INT. EDGE OF THE DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT
Chris holds a stack of napkins against his bleeding

hand. Ariel, still in mask, stands next to him.
ARIEL
So what do you do?
CHRIS
I work for a book publisher.
page 49
ARIEL
You an editor or something.
CHRIS
Glorified secretary. I write.
Robert glides toward them, hookah in hand.
ROBERT
There you are!
(to Ariel)
Better watch him, darling, he’s
looking for a heart.
CHRIS
(glumly)
This is Robert.
ROBERT
The hookah is loaded and
bubbling. Can I interest you?
CHRIS
I’ve had quite a few penalty
shots.
ROBERT
Then this is just the thing to
pick you up.
(offering to Ariel)
Miss Kong?
ARIEL
Sure.
Robert hands her the hookah and a lighter. Ariel

lights the hookah and inhales.
page 50
Holding in the smoke, she passes the pipe to Chris.

Chris hesitates. Robert takes Chris’s hand and leads
it toward the hookah.
ROBERT
Take some, it’s good for you.
INT. DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT
Robert dances as wildly as his costume permits,

swishing his tail back and forth. He’s a good
dancer.
Ariel dances slowly and rhythmically, arms

outstretched, as if to touch the sound.
Chris shuffles his feet to the side of them, barely

moving, mechanical - drunk. He looks up at the disco
ball.
The ball spins. Light radiates, pulsates. Everything

is meshing together, the lights, the bodies of the
dancers, the rhythm of the music. The ball seems to
spin faster.
Chris jerks his head away, looking forward. He tries

to open his half-closed eyes. He looks a little
green.
He turns to Robert, stepping on Ariel as he does so.
ARIEL
Hey!
CHRIS
Robert, I think I have to...
He looks back up. The light spins off the disco ball
in an alarming fashion.
page 51
Chris begins to wretch and throws his hand to his

mouth. He dashes off the dance floor.
Robert gathers his tail to follow.
ROBERT
(to Ariel)
Be right back.
INT. OUTSIDE BATHROOM - NIGHT
Robert presses his head against the door, listening.

He raps on the door.
ROBERT
All right in there?
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
Chris is curled up on the floor, his chin on the

toilet. his tinfoil costume is starting to come off.
CHRIS
(mumbling)
I’m fine. Just resting.
He starts to wretch again. Puts his face back toward

the toilet.
Robert still listening at the door.
ROBERT
I’m coming in there.
INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT
Chris struggles to his feet. He grabs a towel and

wipes his across his face, grips the sink and looks
in the mirror.
page 52
His tin foil nose is bent and falling off. His

silver make-up is streaked where he ran the towel
across his mouth.
From outside we hear Robert.
ROBERT
Let me in.
Chris turns on the cold water and lets it run over

his hands for a moment, then leans down and splashes
it on his face.
The door opens and Chris, grim-faced, looking like

hell, attempts a smile at Robert.
CHRIS
I’m fine.
INT. DANCE FLOOR - NIGHT
Chris and Robert pushing through the crowd. Chris

moves with leaden feet. Robert looks for Ariel.
ROBERT
Now, where did Ms. Kong go?
Chris looks through the crowd toward the front door

and sees:
FRONT DOOR
Ariel and several friends, with their coats on,

getting ready to go.
The butterfly is hugging them good-bye.
As Ariel waits to say good-bye, she pulls her mask

off, revealing her identity for the first time.
page 53
DANCE FLOOR
Chris grabs Robert’s shoulders and pulls him to look

toward the door.
FRONT DOOR
Ariel hugs the hostess and appears to thank her. One

of her group, a good-looking guy, opens the door and
she’s gone.
DANCE FLOOR
Chris turns to Robert in despair.
CHRIS
Oh God.
He rips the tinfoil off his chest, crumpling the

lipstick-drawn heart.
EXT. ROOF OF BUILDING - NIGHT
Robert’s costume lies crumpled next to a skylight.

Robert stands on the edge of the roof in jeans and a
T-shirt, looking out over the city. He lights a
cigarette.
Chris slumps against the door to the roof, with a

bottle of whiskey between his legs.
Robert inhales.
ROBERT
I think she liked you.
CHRIS
Give me a cigarette, Bob.
ROBERT
Don’t call me Bob.
page 54
CHRIS
You’ve wrapped me in tin foil,
forced penalty shots on me, and
gotten me so stoned I puked. You
owe me a fucking cigarette.
ROBERT
(tossing him a
cigarette)
Fair enough.
But it could have been worse.
CHRIS
Worse? I knocked over a table. I
stepped on the girl of my dreams,
then almost spewed my dinner on
her. How could things have been
worse?
ROBERT
I think she liked your
helplessness.
CHRIS
(lighting up)
Fuck off. You think everything’s
a fucking joke.
ROBERT
And you take everything way too
seriously.
CHRIS
(takes a swig of
whiskey)
Nothing is going anywhere for me.
page 55
ROBERT
Then fight it. Take action.
CHRIS
Tomorrow I’ll be hung over. I’ll
read the manuscript of a bad
novel. Monday I’ll be back at
work praising the thing to Naomi
because she’s already bought it
and thinks it’s a work of genius.
Then I’ll talk on the phone to
Sebastian for half an hour giving
him the details of his book tour.
None of which he’ll remember
because he’ll have been hitting
the vodka since ten.
Shoulda stayed in the Midwest and

gotten a job at a bank or
something.
ROBERT
Is that what you want?
CHRIS
World’s not set up to benefit
would-be writers and artists.
ROBERT
Yeah, but there’s a loop hole.
Let’s do it.
CHRIS
(standing)
What are you talking about?
page 56
ROBERT
Let’s get thrown into jail. If
nothing else we can write a book
about it and make a bundle off
that. It’s perfect.
CHRIS
It must be awfully dark up there
with your head so far up your
butt.
ROBERT
You said it yourself! What have
you got to lose? If the
alternative is moving back to
Iowa.
CHRIS
(drains the last
swig from the
bottle)
Nothing wrong with Iowa.
ROBERT
We’ll start small, just to see
what it feels like, then go from
there.
CHRIS
And what did you have in mind?
ROBERT
I was thinking that painting of
Sebastian would look fabulous in
your apartment.
Chris takes a drag on his cigarette, contemplating.

He shrugs and tosses the bottle off the roof.
page 57
The bottle smashes on the ground below, setting off

a car alarm, which squeals like a siren into the
night.
Chris sits staring at his typewriter. In the

background, Wilbur is meticulously clipping his
nails.
Naomi bursts from her office holding a mock up of a

book cover. It looks like the cover of a romance
novel.
NAOMI
(angry)
Have you seen this!
CHRIS
What is it?
NAOMI
The cover the art department came
up with for Mary Louise’s novel.
CHRIS
It doesn’t look so bad.
NAOMI
They’re trying to ruin me.
They’re so used to publishing
trash, they don’t know how to
present a quality novel when
they’re given one.
CHRIS
Can’t you send it back and have
them redo it?
page 58
NAOMI
And have them come up with
something worse. No. I want you
to get Barry MacCloud on the
phone.
CHRIS
There’s no budget left on the
book to pay for an outside cover
design.
NAOMI
Just get Barry on the phone.
Robert comes around the corner, carrying his usual

cups of coffee.
ROBERT
(feigning hurt)
Naomi, if you need a cover
design, you just need to ask.
NAOMI
(turning back to
her office)
Thank you, Robert, but I thought
we’d hire someone with some
talent.
ROBERT
Always a pleasure, Naomi.
Robert sits on Chris’s desk, drinking coffee.

Sebastian’s portrait is back on top of the filing
cabinet. Robert stares at it and smiles.
Wilbur sits at his desk in the background,

listening.
page 59
ROBERT
When’s it going out?
CHRIS
I’m supposed to ship it out
tomorrow night. Sebastian’s doing
a reading in Seattle and won’t be
home to receive it for a couple
of days.
ROBERT
I am going to miss it. There’s
been such an... AURA around the
office since it’s been here.
CHRIS
Yeah.
(with a glance
toward Wilbur, he
leans forward to
whisper)
What time tonight?
ROBERT
I’ll meet you at your place
around seven. You can get out of
here?
CHRIS
Shouldn’t be a problem.
ROBERT
(full voice)
Well, since my work obviously
isn’t appreciated around here I’m
heading home to do some
illustrations for Random House!
Say good-bye to Naomi for me.

page 60
As Robert sweeps down the hall, Wilbur watches him

suspiciously.
INT. NAOMI’S OFFICE - DAY
Chris sits sunk into the couch in Naomi’s office

between a pile of manuscripts.
Naomi sits behind her desk, reading glasses perched

on her nose.
NAOMI
Barry’s free and is happy to do
the cover.
CHRIS
How much is he charging?
NAOMI
Five thousand and he’s worth
every penny. I told him about the
book and he has some brilliant
ideas.
CHRIS
Five thousand is more than you
paid the author for an advance.
Where are you going to get the
money?
NAOMI
(handing Chris a
piece of paper)
I want you to fill out this
voucher. List him as doing extra
illustrations for Sebastian’s new
book and charge it to Sebastian’s
royalty account.
page 61
CHRIS
(alarmed)
I can’t do that.
NAOMI
Darling, Sebastian hasn’t checked
his royalty account for years. He
has more advance money than he
knows what to do with.
Don’t you think it’s fair that

Sebastian’s drivel should help
finance less commercial, more
talented authors?
Mary Louise is a first-rate

novelist and deserves every
chance to have her first book be
seen and read.
Barry’s cover will give this book

the look it needs.
Chris sits at his desk, chewing on the end of his

pen, staring at the voucher in front of him. He
takes the pen out of his mouth and taps it on the
side of his desk like he’s ashing a cigarette.
Finally, he puts pen to paper and begins to fill out

the voucher.
EXT. SIDEWALK OUTSIDE CLYDESDALE BOOKS -NIGHT
Robert stands with his back against the side of the

Clydesdale building. He glances over his shoulder
through the glass door. He wears a backpack.
He turns to Chris, who stands next to him.

page 62
ROBERT
Looks like he’s in the back room,
watching TV.
CHRIS
He’s usually asleep by now.
ROBERT
We’ll see.
Chris takes an access card from his wallet and

slides it through the electronic slot outside the
door. The green light goes on.
INT. LOBBY - NIGHT
Robert slinks into the lobby and darts behind a

pillar as Chris holds the door.
Chris turns toward the guard’s room, which is down a

small corridor to the left of the door.
CHRIS
(friendly)
Phil, you in?
When there’s no answer, Chris creeps down the

hallway and pokes his head through the door. The TV
from inside the room is blaring.
Phil, the overweight security card, slouches in a

chair his hat over his eyes, sound asleep.
INT. LOBBY - NIGHT
Chris walks quickly from the guard room, looking

nervous.
page 63
CHRIS
He’s asleep. Let’s go. We’ll have
to take the stairs. The
elevator’s too visible.
ROBERT
(smiling,
approvingly)
You’re good at this.
Just inside the door to the stairs, Robert takes off

his backpack and hands it to Chris. Chris pulls two
ski masks and two pairs of gloves out of the pack.
ROBERT
(putting on his ski
mask)
Next time, we get something a
little more fashionable.
Robert and Chris creep up the stairs wearing ski

masks and gloves. Chris stops and points up.
A surveillance camera is perched on the wall above

the stairs.
Robert waves to the camera. Chris grabs him by the

arm and pushes him up the stairs.
INT. CLYDESDALE PRESS - NIGHT
The stairway door into the Clydesdale office space

opens slowly and Chris pokes his head out.
Most of the floor is dark, but a light is coming

from Naomi’s office.
page 64
Chris ducks back in quickly.
Chris turns to Robert.
CHRIS
I knew we should have come later.
She’s still here.
ROBERT
We’ll just have to wait her out.
Open the door a crack. Let’s
watch.
INT. NAOMI’S OFFICE - NIGHT
Naomi sits back in her office chair, speaking loudly

on the phone.
NAOMI
Darling, don’t worry! The check
is in the mail!
No, no. You did a marvelous job

on the second set of revisions,
John. You saved the book.
Chris turns to Robert.
CHRIS
I didn’t know anything about a
second set of revisions. That
guy’s a ghostwriter. She’s out
of budget on that book.
page 65
INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT
Naomi comes out of her office, whistling, a piece of

paper in her hand. She turns down the hallway.
Chris pokes his head back in.
CHRIS
She’s going toward the accounting
office.
ROBERT
What are you, Sherlock Holmes?
We’re here to steal a painting,
not catch your boss at creative
accounting.
Robert peeks out the door.
ROBERT
She’s coming back this way.
CHRIS
Maybe we should just get out of
here.
ROBERT
No, she’s locking her door.
Naomi strolls to the elevator bank and presses the

down button. The elevator opens with a loud ding!
and she gets on.
INT. OFFICE - NIGHT
Chris pokes his masked face out of the stairwell

door and glances around. He turns back in to Robert.
page 66
CHRIS
Coast is clear.
Chris steps out the door into the office, still

looking guarded. Robert follows him casually and
walks past him toward the painting, which still sits
atop the filing cabinet.
ROBERT
See? Nothing to worry about.
(surveying the
painting)
Sure is a beauty. We may have to
share it.
CHRIS
(impulsively
picking up a pen
from his desk)
Let’s just get this done and get
out of here.
ROBERT
You’re never going to appreciate
your life of crime unless you
learn to stop and smell the
roses, enjoy the little moments.
CHRIS
(sucking on the
pen)
Do you have the bag?
ROBERT
I bet Gwen would take you back if
you gave this to her. I hear
she’s a real fan.
page 67
Chris grabs the backpack out of Robert’s hand and

pulls a large canvas duffel bag out of it.
CHRIS
(going to the
painting)
Let’s just get this done.
As he begins to lift the painting, the elevator

dings again.
Chris freezes and stares at Robert.
Robert looks toward the elevator bank. Chris spits

out the pen, which is still in his mouth, and grabs
the painting off the filing cabinet.
CHRIS
Hurry.
Carrying the painting between them, Chris and Robert

dash back toward the door to the stairwell.
INT. OFFICE - NIGHT
The elevator doors open. Wilbur and his girlfriend

come out of the elevator, entwined and giggling. His
girlfriend is surprisingly good looking.
WILBUR
(lasciviously)
Come along, my dear.
As they make their way past the filing cabinet,

Wilbur looks up to where the painting should be.
WILBUR
That’s funny.
page 68
GIRLFRIEND
(fondling him)
Come on Pooh Bear.
Robert watches through the stairwell door, which is

open a crack. He turns to Chris, who is part way
down the stairs.
ROBERT
Pooh Bear?
CHRIS
Robert, we’re done.
ROBERT
This is incredible. How does he
do it?
INT. OFFICE - NIGHT
Wilbur still stopped in front of the filing cabinet,

leans down and picks up the pen Chris spit out.
Inspecting it, he sees teeth marks.
WILBUR
Curious.
GIRLFRIEND
Baby, is her office door open?
WILBUR
(turning back to
her smiling)
No, but I have the key.
Robert stifles a guffaw.

page 69
ROBERT
They’re gonna do it on his boss’s
desk! We should come here at
night more often!
CHRIS
Done now?
ROBERT
(reluctantly
closing the door)
Yeah, they closed the door.
Sebastian’s portrait hangs above the futon frame in

Chris’s studio.
Robert and Chris lay on the floor, looking up at it.
ROBERT
Looks great.
CHRIS
Enjoy it while it’s up.
ROBERT
Who’s going to be coming for a
visit? You been having rendezvous
with Naomi? After what I’ve seen
tonight I’ll believe anything.
CHRIS
I just think we ought to be
cautious.
ROBERT
Excuse me, but last time I
checked we were trying to get
caught.
page 70
CHRIS
Well, yeah, but not for this.
They wouldn’t send me to jail for
this. I’d just lose my job.
ROBERT
Not so bad. But you’re right.
It’s time for phase two.
CHRIS
Phase two?
ROBERT
The real crime. How long do you
think it would take you to write
a novel?
CHRIS
I don’t know. A couple of years .
ROBERT
That much?
CHRIS
Do you know anything about
sentences?
ROBERT
I have a friend I think can help.
INT. LAWYER’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Michael, a pale, balding young man, sits cross-

legged on the floor of his apartment, sucking on a
bong. He wears what’s left of a suit - he’s taken
his jacket, tie and shoes off, and his shirt is half
unbuttoned. Chris slouches on a worn leather couch,
watching. Robert sits on a stool, playing with a
lava lamp. The apartment is a mess, legal briefs,
clothing, and full ashtrays scattered everywhere.
page 71
After a long drag on the bong, Michael speaks.
MICHAEL
You guys are freaks. You know
that.
ROBERT
Just tell us what we want to
know. Hypothetically.
MICHAEL
Hypothetically, given the current
system of oppression, if you
really want to get thrown into
jail, you should become a
minority. As nice looking white
boys, you don’t stand a chance.
ROBERT
We just need a year or two.
MICHAEL
You’ll stand more of a chance if
you have a previous record. First
time offenders these days... you
gotta do something really bad.
But you don’t want to get stuck
with too stiff a sentence.
Robbery’s always good, though.

Breaking and entering. Or armed.
Get caught red-handed for that,
you might get the kind of
sentence you’re looking for.
CHRIS
(looking at Robert)
Who are we going to rob?
page 72
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Robert and Chris stroll down a darkened street in

the East Village.
CHRIS
I just think we ought to think
about who it’s going to be. I
don’t want to rob some shop owner
who’s barely making a go of it.
ROBERT
A thief with a conscience. Good.
CHRIS
Maybe we could rob a McDonald’s
or something.
As he’s saying this they pass Moon Beams, the chain

coffee store. It’s still open. Through the window,
we see a few yuppie types sitting at tables, some
talking, some reading magazines.
Robert stops and stares at the cafe.
ROBERT
Or someplace like McDonald’s but
a little closer to home.
INT. MOON BEAMS - NIGHT
In back of the cafe, Ariel stands in a Moon Beams

uniform, clothe in hand, lazily pretending to wipe
off a cappuccino maker.
Her MANAGER, a slick looking guy with a mustache

walks officiously from the kitchen.
page 73
MANAGER
Ariel, can I see you for a
moment?
ARIEL
I’m cleaning it.
MANAGER
Ariel, your attitude has got to
improve.
ARIEL
My attitude’s fine.
MANAGER
The other girls have been
complaining. You’re rude to
customers, you don’t know a latte
from a cappuccino, and you sneak
out back to smoke when you’re
supposed to be restocking
napkins.
ARIEL
Tell people I’m an actress.
MANAGER
This is Moon Beams and we have a
code of conduct for our
employees. I don’t want to
threaten you, but if you don’t
improve, you may need to look for
other work.
ARIEL
That would be tragic.
page 74
Naomi stands accusingly above Chris, who sits at his

desk.
NAOMI
What do you mean the painting is
gone?
CHRIS
I don’t know. I came in this
morning and it wasn’t here.
NAOMI
That painting has to go out to
Sebastian this afternoon.
CHRIS
That’s going to be difficult.
NAOMI
Do you know how much we spent on
that painting?
CHRIS
He didn’t even like it.
NAOMI
It doesn’t matter if he liked it.
I want it found and I want it
sent to San Francisco tonight!
At the next desk, Wilbur looks up cautiously from

his reading.
INT. MAIL ROOM - DAY
Chris looks through shelves of packages and books

that are waiting to be mailed out.
page 75
As he moves a stack of books, Robert’s head appears

on the other side of the shelf.
ROBERT
Heard you were down here.
CHRIS
Naomi thought someone might have
moved the painting down here by
mistake. I’m looking for it.
ROBERT
That should keep you busy.
CHRIS
She also had me put a call into
the police. They’re on their way
down here.
ROBERT
Stay calm. We have more to do.
CHRIS
Don’t worry.
In the hallway in front of Chris’s desk, Harold and

Naomi speak to two police officers. Chris sits
uncomfortably at his desk.
HAROLD
It is imperative we get this
painting back.
POLICEMAN
I understand, sir. When was the
last time you saw it.
page 76
NAOMI
I worked late last night and I’m
almost positive it was still here
when I left.
POLICEMAN 1
See any people who didn’t belong
here last night?
NAOMI
No. It’s unlikely someone would
break in and only steal the
painting.
HAROLD
Maybe one of the night janitors?
NAOMI
Could be.
POLICEMAN
We’ll check the tapes from the
surveillance cameras.
(turning to Chris)
You were the first one in this
morning?
CHRIS
Yes.
POLICEMAN
And the painting was gone when
you got in?
CHRIS
I didn’t see it. No.
page 77
Robert walks casually into Moon Beams and surveys

the coffee shop. Chris follows him, looking nervous,
hunched over, his baseball cap pulled over his eyes.
Robert elbows him sharply.
ROBERT
(whispers)
The reason you always get caught
is because you always look
guilty!
Chris glares at him, but pulls his hat up and looks

toward the order counter. Incomprehension turns to
alarm as he sees:
Ariel serving coffee to two young women.
Chris grabs Robert by the arm.
CHRIS
Look!
ROBERT
(delighted)
Old home week!
CHRIS
Let’s get out of here!
ROBERT
Oh no. We have a plan to carry
out. Just go sit down and stop
looking like you’re up to
something.
Chris pulls his hat back down over his eyes and
moves sideways toward a table.
page 78
Robert approaches Ariel at the counter smiling. No

longer serving customers, Ariel leans on the counter
staring into space, looking exhausted.
ROBERT
What’s a girl like you doing in a
dump like this?
ARIEL
(startled from her
daydream)
What kind of line is that?
ROBERT
No line.
ARIEL
Do I know you?
ROBERT
Now that’s a line.
ARIEL
You’re that caterpillar guy.
ROBERT
They’ll put you away for saying
stuff like that.
ARIEL
Did your buddy get home OK? He
looked like he was having a bad
night.
page 79
ROBERT
(pointing over to
Chris at the table)
Nothing a little more whiskey
didn’t fix.
(Chris slides down
in his chair,
pretending not to
be seen)
He’s shy.
ARIEL
What are you guys doing in this
place?
ROBERT
Just getting a little jolt.
ARIEL
Coffee’s better around the
corner.
ROBERT
But it’s so shiny in here.
ARIEL
What do you want?
Robert approaches the table, carrying two cups of

coffee.
Chris is still glaring at him.
CHRIS
What was that?
ROBERT
I still think she likes you.
page 80
CHRIS
This is hardly the time.
ROBERT
It would have been much more
suspicious to pretend not to know
her. Relax.
(he takes a sip of
the coffee)
Not bad. I might need to come
here more often.
CHRIS
This is stupid. We should get out
of here.
ROBERT
Drink your coffee. It calms the
nerves.
INT. MOON BEAMS BATHROOM - NIGHT
Robert pushes the bathroom door open and enters. He

looks around the room to see if anyone’s there, then
walks to the urinal and begins to pee.
Chris, still at the table, cradles his cup of coffee

with both hands, staring into it.
He looks up and sees Ariel staring at him from the

counter. She smiles. Startled, he goes back to
staring at his coffee.
Chris bursts through the bathroom door. Looking

frazzled, his eyes search the room for Robert.
page 81
There’s no sign of him.
After a moment, Robert leaps from the toilet where

he’s been perched in a crouch. His feet appear below
the stall, his head above it.
ROBERT
(smiling)
Still here.
CHRIS
What if it wasn’t me?
ROBERT
I knew it was you. I could hear
your heart beating.
CHRIS
Funny.
ROBERT
Like a tour?
CHRIS
Cafe’s clearing out. We should
hurry.
ROBERT
Fair enough. Our chambers await
us.
The manager locks the front door.
The chairs in the cafe are on the tables. Ariel

half-heartedly wipes the counter.
Her manager comes up behind her.

page 82
MANAGER
Make sure you clean the milk
steamer more thoroughly tonight.
It was clogged yesterday morning.
ARIEL
(turns lazily to
face him)
Yes sir.
A BUS BOY makes his way across the dining room

toward the bathrooms, pushing a mop and bucket and
carrying a bucket of cleaning supplies.
INT. MOON BEAMS BATHROOM - NIGHT.
The Bus Boy mops the bathroom floor.
He kicks open the middle stall - he has a toilet

brush and a bottle of cleanser.
On the toilet seat he sees two sets of SHOE PRINTS.

He looks confused for a moment, then takes a rag and
wipes the shoe prints clean.
The cafe is closed and dark. Nothing stirs.
The bathroom is also dark and still. Suddenly

there’s a shuffling noise above the middle stall.
Then scraping as:
A ceiling panel is pulled back and a tennis shoe

emerges.
page 83
Chris stands in the middle of the empty cafe, slowly

turning. The room is completely locked - metal gates
have been pulled down over the windows and doors.
Robert rummages behind the counter, by the cash

register.
Chris stops turning and speaks to the ceiling.
CHRIS
Now, what are we supposed to do,
Mr. Mastermind?
ROBERT
I figured out how to get us in.
It was your job to get us out.
CHRIS
Why do I listen to you? There’s
nothing to steal. We can’t get
out. And even if we were to
figure out how to trip an alarm
to get the cops here, they’d
probably laugh and tell us to go
home.
ROBERT
Kind of neat in here at night,
though, don’t you think?
CHRIS
I need a cigarette.
page 84
ROBERT
(surveying the
shelves behind the
counter)
It’s not like there’s nothing to
steal.
CHRIS
How many mugs did you want to
cart out of here?
ROBERT
I’m not talking about the mugs.
In back of the counter, Robert finishes stuffing his

backpack with coffee bags.
Chris sits on a table, looking weary.
INT. MOON BEAMS BATHROOM CEILING - DAWN
Chris sleeps uncomfortably curled between ceiling

beams. Robert is curled nearby.
Stacked around them are bags of coffee, whatever

didn’t fit in Robert’s backpack.
They hear the sound of a toilet flushing.
Chris groans quietly and looks at his lighted watch.
INT. MOON BEAMS - DAWN
The cafe is full of a bleary morning crowd, standing

in line, looking angry.
The manager is behind the counter, talking

apologetically to a customer.
page 85
Robert, wearing his backpack, innocently approaches

a MAN at the end of the line.
ROBERT
What’s going on?
MAN
They say they’re out of coffee.
ROBERT
How could that be?
Chris, his hat back on over his eyes, edges out the
door.
INT. CLYDESDALE PRESS - DAY
Chris dashes down the hallway, his tie half tied,

shirt badly tucked in.
Sliding into his desk, Chris looks at watch to see

that it’s 10:05.
He looks up and down corridor, heaves a sigh when he

doesn’t see anyone, then shuffles some papers to
look busy.
Naomi bursts out of Harold’s office.
NAOMI
Where have you been!?
CHRIS
I overslept.
NAOMI
I’ve been panicked. I have a
meeting with Mary Louise today
page 86
and a stack of letters to get

out.
CHRIS
I’m here now.
NAOMI
You’ve always been so dependable.
I need you to be dependable,
darling. I can’t survive this job
without you.
Chris attempts to type a letter.
His phone rings.
CHRIS
She’s here? I’ll be down.
Chris gets up and pokes his head in Naomi’s door.
CHRIS
Mary Louise is here.
INT. CLYDESDALE PRESS LOBBY - DAY
MARY LOUISE, a diminutive woman about Chris’s age,

sits curled in chair in the waiting room, staring
intently at the carpeting.
Mary Louise has long, dark messy hair, an oversized

leather jacket, a haunted look. She’s very pale.
Across from her sits the receptionist, who is busy

typing.
Chris opens the lobby door and steps into the room.
page 87
CHRIS
Mary Louise?
MARY LOUISE
(looking up,
startled)
Yes.
CHRIS
(as if to explain)
I’m Chris Carpenter. Naomi’s
assistant? She can see you now.
INT. ROBERT’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Robert’s apartment is a well-kept small loft.

Several of his paintings are on the walls.
The breakfast bar is stacked with Moon Beams coffee.
Robert lies on the couch. Chris paces in front of

him, upset.
CHRIS
She’s my age!
ROBERT
That should encourage you.
CHRIS
Her book is horrible.
ROBERT
You’re just jealous.
(getting up)
Want some coffee?
page 88
CHRIS
(slumping into a
chair)
No.
ROBERT
It’s Moon Beams.
Robert comes out of the kitchen area with a cup of

coffee. Chris is still slumped in the chair,
glaring.
ROBERT
I bought something today.
He sets the coffee down and reaches into a shopping

bag on the floor. He pulls a gun out of the bag,
holds it up, and smiles.
CHRIS
Are you nuts?
ROBERT
I’ve been thinking. We really
botched it last night.
CHRIS
So you bought a gun?
ROBERT
(tossing the gun to
Chris)
It’s a toy. Pretty realistic
though, huh?
CHRIS
(sarcastically)
Fine workmanship.
page 89
ROBERT
Chris, think about it.
CHRIS
I’m thinking.
ROBERT
Last night was a huge rush. And I
think we can do better.
Ariel pours a cup of coffee and hands it to a

customer.
CUSTOMER
It’s decaf, right?
ARIEL
Oh, yeah, sure. That’s $1.50.
The woman looks unsure, then pays and goes to sit

down.
Ariel’s manager approaches.
MANAGER
Was that really decaf?
ARIEL
What does it matter? Even the
decaf isn’t really decaf.
MANAGER
(sighing)
I hate to do this, but I just got
a call from my wife. She needs me
to pick up a couple of things at
the Body Shop before it closes.
page 90
I’m going to have to leave you to

watch the business for a little
while.
Do you think you can handle it?
ARIEL
(a mock salute)
You can count on me, sir.
The cafe has become suddenly crowded and Ariel works

the counter on her own.
There’s a line of impatient looking people.
WOMAN
Can you hurry please?
ARIEL
Lay off lady.
EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT
Robert leans against a wall finishing a cigarette.

Chris squats next to him.
ROBERT
(putting the
cigarette out on
the wall)
Take your last breaths of
freedom. We should be
incarcerated within the hour.
You ready?
CHRIS
Ready as I’ll ever be.
page 91
Chris stands and pulls two rubber masks out of his

backpack - they’re cheap rubber Halloween masks, the
kind that pull over your whole head.
Chris tosses one to Robert. They put them on in

unison.
Robert pulls out his toy gun and looks at Chris.
ROBERT
Let’s go.
Robert bursts through the door of the cafe,

brandishing his toy gun.
There’s still a small line. About half the tables

are full.
Chris enters cautiously behind Robert, carrying the

backpack.
Robert brandishes the gun.
ROBERT
Everybody step away from the door
and no one gets hurt!
CHRIS
(to a punk rock kid
near door)
Step away!
Ariel looks in amazement from the counter. The

customers who were in line back away from Robert.
A young, intellectual-looking guy in a leather coat

and glasses holding a cup of coffee takes a step
toward Robert.
page 92
MAN
What do you think you’re doing,
man? Put the gun down.
ROBERT
We are the Cafe Liberation Army!
CHRIS
The what?
ROBERT
Our mission is to free the people
from the oppression of chain
stores! Store by store. First the
East Village, then onward until
finally the whole country is
cleansed!
The people have suffered too

long!
CHRIS
(pulling Robert
aside)
What are you doing?
ROBERT
Nice touch, huh? Just came up
with it.
(turning back to
the customers)
Supporting Moon Beams is
supporting the malling in of our
city!
Chris turns in disgust from Robert and approaches

Ariel at the counter.
page 93
COUNTER
CHRIS
(trying to disguise
his voice)
Sorry about this, but can you
give me the money that’s in the
register.
ARIEL
You guys are too much.
CHRIS
Can you give me the money?
ARIEL
Is this some play you’re
rehearsing or something? I don’t
see a camera.
CAFE
Robert leaps onto a table.
ROBERT
I claim this cafe in the name of
free enterprise and local
character!
COUNTER
Ariel smiles conspiratorially at Chris.
ARIEL
You guys seem a little familiar.
CHRIS
This is a real robbery.
page 94
ARIEL
(laughing)
Did he steal that gun from one of
the kids on his block?
CHRIS
(pleading)
I’m serious.
ARIEL
OK! Bandits aren’t supposed to
whine, you know.
(opening the
register and
removing money)
Bout time someone robbed this
dump.
Really, though, this is some

performance art thing or
something, right?
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
A police car cruises up the street outside Moon

Beams.
INT. POLICE CAR - NIGHT
As they drive by, the cop in the passenger seat

glances out the window and sees:
EXT. WINDOW OF MOON BEAMS - NIGHT
Robert standing on table waving toy gun at

customers.
INT. POLICE CAR - NIGHT
Cop in passenger seat turns to driver.

page 95
COP
Joe, stop the car. I think
something’s going on in there.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Police car turns on lights and pulls to a stop,

double-parked outside Moon Beams.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Several blocks away, Ariel’s manager strolls with a

shopping bag from the Body Shop.
He looks up and see the lights of the police car in

front of the store.
MANAGER
Shit.
He starts to run toward the store.
At the counter, Ariel starts to hand Chris the

money.
ARIEL
(flirtatiously)
I bet you’re kind of cute under
that mask.
Chris’s eyes through his mask look startled, unsure

how to respond. He begins to take the money from
her. Their hands touch during the exchange. Ariel
smiles at him.
As she smiles, she sees the lights of the police car

through the window.
page 96
ARIEL
Shit! We have to get you out of
here! Act like I’m a hostage.
From the table top, Robert turns to see cops getting

out of car. He jumps off table.
Ariel touches Chris on the arm.
ARIEL
Act like you’ve got a knife.
CHRIS
You don’t understand.
ARIEL
Just wrap your arm around me and
pretend to be pushing something
into my back.
Not able to resist touching Ariel, Chris follows her

direction.
Surprised, Robert sees Chris pushing Ariel through

the kitchen door, then looks to see cops coming
through the door.
Robert hesitates, then dashes after Chris and Ariel.
Ariel now leads Chris by the arm, trying to push him

toward the door. Chris lingers.
Robert bursts in after them.
ARIEL
Would you hurry!
page 97
CHRIS
(helpless)
This isn’t what we planned.
ARIEL
Jesus! I don’t know if you guys
are for real or not but those
cops are going to think so.
What are you trying to do, get

caught?
ROBERT
Well, actually...
Ariel grabs them both and shoves them out the back
door into an alley.
ARIEL
Get out of here!
Robert and Chris, not knowing what else to do, run

to the left.
INT. MOON BEAMS KITCHEN - NIGHT
The cop from the passenger seat kicks the door open.
His partner leaps in, gun drawn.
There’s no one there but Ariel, who sits huddled by

the stove, whimpering.
The first cop goes to her.
COP 1
Are you all right, Miss.
ARIEL
(choking back false
tears)
Yes.
page 98
COP 1
We should call an ambulance just
in case. She might be
traumatized.
The second cop goes toward the open back door and
looks outside.
COP 2
They ran out this way.
COP 1
(to Ariel)
Did you see which way they went?
ARIEL
They ran out to the right.
EXT. ALLEY - DAY
Chris trips over a garbage bag as he runs and goes

sprawling. Robert, right behind him, has to jump
over him.
Robert stops and rips of his mask, stuffing it into

the trash bag.
ROBERT
You better get rid of yours too.
Chris stumbles to his feet and looks back down the

alley.
No one is coming.
Chris pulls his mask off and tosses it.
ROBERT
That was fucking awesome!
page 99
CHRIS
We were supposed to get caught!
ROBERT
Yeah, but wasn’t it amazing?
CHRIS
What were you doing back there?
ROBERT
I was making a statement.
What were you doing? Adding

attempted kidnapping to our
crime? You know how much that
could have bucked up our
sentence?
CHRIS
I couldn’t help it. She told me
to.
ROBERT
You haven’t even gone out with
her and you’re already whipped.
Come on, let’s get out of here.
Chris starts to run, but Robert grabs his arm.
ROBERT
Walk. No one notices you if you
look like you’re not up to
anything.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
As Chris and Robert walk casually onto a side

street, a cab approaches.
page 100
Chris waves.
The cab stops. Chris and Robert get in.
INT. ROBERT’S APARTMENT - DAY
A tabloid newspaper lies open on the table. The

headline reads: BEAN BANDITS BAMBOOZLE BLUE.
Robert comes out of the kitchen area with a cup of

coffee. He sits down at the table and stares at the
article admiringly.
ROBERT
(with gleeful
disbelief)
Damn!
Robert opens door to Chris who walks brusquely in,

waving the newspaper.
CHRIS
(upset)
Did you see this? Did you see
this?
ROBERT
(smiling)
The revolution will not be
postponed.
CHRIS
(reading from the
paper)
Two bandits, calling themselves
the Cafe Liberation Army, and
wearing Halloween masks, pulled
off a daring robbery of Moon
page 101
Beams in the East Village last

night. While some witnesses claim
the robbery was more prank than
theft, several anarchist groups
in the neighborhood are
applauding the action and calling
for boycotts of all chain stores
in the trendy and politically
volatile neighborhood.
ROBERT
We’ve started a movement!
CHRIS
This was not the plan!
ROBERT
Aren’t you supposed to be at
work?
CHRIS
I’m going to be late.
ROBERT
Naomi’s not going to like that.
CHRIS
Fuck Naomi. What are we going to
do?
ROBERT
Do? We’re going to lead a
revolution.
INT. SEBASTIAN FOSTER’S OFFICE - DAY
Sebastian sits behind a large glass desk in a large,

expensive office. A round carpet in front of the
desk is a New Age-looking map of the solar system. A
glass case displaying several large crystals is
page 102
against one wall. A publicity poster for Sebastian’s

TV show is on the wall. It shows Sebastian smiling
serenely, dressed in a Buddhist robe. The caption
reads: PERSONAL GROWTH STARTS HERE, NOW.
On a black leather couch some distance from the

desk, sits Sebastian’s diminutive ACCOUNTANT.
Sebastian leans out over his desk, glaring.
SEBASTIAN
What do you mean my expense
account is overdrawn?
ACCOUNTANT
This last tour wiped you out. You
spend too much Sebastian. And
until we get the advance on the
next book, you’re going to have
to cut costs.
SEBASTIAN
Impossible.
ACCOUNTANT
These book tours bring in no
revenue. Since PBS canceled THE
GALAXY WITHIN, revenue is down
and you’re still staying in the
best hotels. This office. Do you
have any idea what we’re paying
in rent?
SEBASTIAN
Ridiculous. My books are still on
the bestseller lists.
Call Clydesdale and get a balance

on my royalty account. Be
page 103
thorough about it. There must be

something still in there. If not,
tell my agent to threaten them.
Have him tell them I’ll leave if
they don’t come through with a
bigger advance on my next book.
I’m the only author they have who
sells.
And don’t ever tell me I’m out of

money again.
ACCOUNTANT
Yes sir.
Naomi is hunched over her desk with a manuscript

spread in pieces before her. The pages are marked in
frantic red strokes.
The door opens and Harold marches in.
HAROLD
I need to speak to you.
NAOMI
Can it wait, Harold?
HAROLD
I just got off the phone with
Sebastian’s agent.
Chris sits at his desk, as Harold and Naomi parade

out of Harold’s office.
page 104
NAOMI
Sebastian’s just drunk and
blowing smoke.
HAROLD
His agent says he’s still upset
about the painting, as well. He
sees it as a sign of our
incompetence.
NAOMI
Ridiculous. They’re just
grandstanding.
HAROLD
I don’t think I have to remind
you the impact it would have if
Sebastian left Clydesdale. On all
of us.
NAOMI
(to Chris)
Chris, go up to accounting and
see if you can get Mabel to rush
Sebastian’s next royalty check.
He’s decided to cry about money
all of a sudden.
CHRIS
(getting up)
I’ll go right up.
As usual, Wilbur sits in the background listening

intently. This time he looks as if he’s pondering
something.
page 105
INT. ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT - DAY
The accounting department is a big open space with

desks scattered throughout. There are no cubicles or
dividers of any kind. Each desk has an old mainframe
computer - green characters glowing against a black
background. The walls are lined with filing
cabinets. The room looks like it was last remodeled
sometime in the early 1960s.
Mabel, a dowdy woman in her late fifties, wearing an

oversized, crumpled button up sweater, looks over
her glasses at Chris as she punches buttons on her
computer.
Chris stands next to her desk, shifting his feet.
CHRIS
That’s all that’s available? You
can’t advance some of the money?
MABEL
I’d love to, honey, but that man
writes more off of his royalty
account than anybody else we
have.
EXT. EAST VILLAGE STREET - DAY
Robert strolls down the street, whistling. He pauses

in front of a shop that says ARMY SURPLUS, thinks
for a moment, then goes in.
Robert sits at his table sewing something onto red

fabric.
The couch is piled with two sets of army fatigues

and two helmets.
page 106
Chris has just come through the door. He looks

confused. Robert holds the door.
CHRIS
I got your message. What did you
need to show me.
ROBERT
(closing the door)
I’ve had a busy day.
He goes to a closet and pulls out a hanger with one

of the sets of Army fatigues on it and a helmet.
Hanging across the shirt is a red sash. On the sash
is a circle containing a Moon Beams logo. A red
slash mark runs across the circle.
Robert pops the helmet on his head and holds the

shirt up under his chin, modeling them.
ROBERT
What do you think?
CHRIS
You’re going to wear that?
ROBERT
We’re going to wear it. There are
two.
CHRIS
No.
ROBERT
It’ll be great. I mean I figure
we can go all out on this one.
Make it a real piece of art.
page 107
I’ve been trying to write sort of

a surrealistic tract we can read
at the next robbery. I’ll show
you what I have. You can help me
fix some things.
CHRIS
No.
ROBERT
We got a mention on Howard Stern!
CHRIS
You’re losing track of the goal
here. Remember jail? We are not a
political movement.
ROBERT
We can still go to jail, if you
want, but I think we should ride
this while it lasts. We’ve
stumbles on something here and we
should go with it.
CHRIS
This was not the plan.
ROBERT
You know, maybe that’s your
problem. You always want to plan
out how things are going to be.
Sometimes when I paint, I start

off thinking I’m painting one
thing, but half way through it
starts to become something else.
At that point I can either quit,
keep trying to force the piece to
page 108
be something it’s not, or just go

with what’s started to take form.
CHRIS
This is not a painting.
ROBERT
But you can live your life as if
it’s art. Listen to fate and
follow the path it presents you -
no matter how strange it seems.
CHRIS
Now you sound like one of
Sebastian’s books.
ROBERT
(holding costume
out)
Just try it on!
CHRIS
I’m not playing this game. I’m
out of here.
Chris heads for the door. Robert sticks his head out
after him and Chris walks down the hallway.
ROBERT
Think about it!
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Chris walks street, head down, hands in pockets.
As he passes Moon Beams, he looks up through the

plate glass window and sees:
Two policeman at the counter interviewing the

manager. Ariel stands to the side watching.
page 109
She looks up. Her eyes catch Chris’s. She smiles.
He looks at his feet and walks on past.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Chris, not looking where he is going, almost bumps

into a small crowd on the sidewalk.
A motley collection of young punks and neighborhood

anarchists hold placards that read:
DON’T MALL ME IN!
BEAM THEM BACK TO THE MOON!
CORPORATE AMERICA GET OUT!
Chris looks around in disbelief, then shoves his

hands farther into his pockets and walks quickly
through the protest with his head down.
The Manager has Ariel cornered by the walk-in.
MANAGER
You’re holding back information.
Some of the customers that night
said it looked like you were
being friendly with those
thieves.
ARIEL
They held me at knife point! Of
course I was cooperative. I’m not
giving my life for this place.
MANAGER
I’ve had just about enough of
this.
page 110
ARIEL
You are so paranoid.
I don’t have to take this. Take

your damn Moon Beams apron. I
quit!
She pulls her apron off and throws it at him, then

storms out the back door.
The manager follows her to the door and shouts:
MANAGER
You don’t quit! You’re fired!
INT. BAR - NIGHT
Chris is hunched over the bar, scribbling in a

notebook, a shot of scotch in front of him.
Ariel enters, looking pissed off. She calls to the

bartender.
ARIEL
Phil, I need a beer!
Chris looks up from his notebook. Ariel sees him as

the bartender brings her beer.
ARIEL
Hey, Mr. Tinfoil!
Chris looks quickly back at his notebook, pretending

not the hear. Ariel picks up her beer and circles
down to Chris’s end of the bar.
ARIEL
Where’s your friend?
CHRIS
Working on an art project.
page 111
ARIEL
Artist. That figures. And you?
What are you writing?
CHRIS
Nothing. I mean, just stuff. I
haven’t had much time to write
lately.
ARIEL
You live around here?
CHRIS
Yeah, down the street.
ARIEL
You know, I’m having this weird
deja vu thing with your voice
right now. Like I’ve heard it
someplace lately. Or one like it
lately.
CHRIS
It’s a pretty generic voice.
ARIEL
I saw you today passing Moon
Beams. You guys haven’t been in
lately have you?
CHRIS
(alarmed)
What do you mean?
ARIEL
Nothing. You guys came in that
one night. Just thought maybe
you’d come by again.
page 112
CHRIS
(still suspicious)
We haven’t. I mean, I’ve been
busy.
ARIEL
Yeah? Well don’t go there
anymore. They canned me. I mean I
quit and then they canned me.
All because of that stupid

robbery the other day.
CHRIS
I hate to break this off.
ARIEL
Just as well. It was a shitty
job.
CHRIS
I really have to go.
ARIEL
What a hilarious robbery though,
right? Did you read about it?
CHRIS
Haven’t really had time to read
the papers. Listen, it was nice
seeing you.
ARIEL
(bemused - holds
out her hand for a
shake)
Nice to see you.
page 113
Chris takes her hand and shakes it swiftly. When he

tries to detach, she holds on. Their eyes meet -
hers are smiling, his are panicked.
Chris blushes and smiles. He takes his hand away

slowly - their hands caress slightly as he draws it
away.
ARIEL
Don’t be a stranger. I’m in the
book. Ariel Greenburg.
CHRIS
Greenburg?
ARIEL
Ariel’s a nickname. My real
name’s Sara.
CHRIS
Nice talking to you, Sara.
INT. HAROLD’S OFFICE - NIGHT
Naomi searches through a filing cabinet, then goes

to the secretary’s desk and begins to flip through
the message book - looking at carbons of old phone
messages.
INT. CLYDESDALE PRESS - NIGHT
Naomi slips out of Harold’s office, cautiously

closing the door behind her.
She hear giggling and looks up.
Wilbur and his girlfriend come down the hallway arm

and arm, nose to nose.
Naomi stiffens.
page 114
Mid-butterfly kiss, Wilbur sees Naomi. Startled he

leaps away from his girlfriend.
WILBUR
Naomi!
NAOMI
Wilbur.
WILBUR
(collecting
himself)
I forgot some work I was going to
do this weekend. I came back to
get it.
NAOMI
I see. I’m sure your boss would
be impressed by your diligence.
WILBUR
(conspiratorially)
Any luck finding Sebastian’s
painting?
NAOMI
No. Nothing. And Sebastian’s on
the warpath.
WILBUR
I may be able to help you with
that.
NAOMI
You know where it is?
WILBUR
No, but I have a theory.
page 115
Chris sleeps in his underwear, sitting up on his

futon couch. The room is dark. The TV is on. The man
on the infomercial demonstrates spray-on hair for
bald men.
INT. CHRIS’S APARTMENT - DAWN
A shadow passes in front of the TV set.
Chris still asleep on the futon couch, stirs, half

opening his eyes to:
A young WOMAN, apparently homeless, going through

his pants, which are tossed over a nearby chair.
Chris still groggy, closes his eyes, then opens them

again, wider.
He screams and leaps to his feet. The woman acts

just as startled as Chris is.
They face off against each other, dancing around,

screaming:
CHRIS
Who the fuck are you? Who the
fuck are you?
WOMAN
Who the fuck are you? Who the
fuck are you?
After a few times circling each other, the woman

darts for the door, opens it and takes off down the
hall, Chris’s pants still in her hand.
Chris takes off after her. Midway down hallway he

looks down to realize he’s still in his underwear.
He stops abruptly and runs back into the apartment.
page 116
Chris goes to the chair where his pants had been.

They aren’t there. He runs to the closet and
throwing clothing off a shelving unit grabs a pair
of swear pants.
He wrestles to get the sweats on, falling down as he

does so.
EXT. FRONT OF BUILDING - DAWN
Chris bolts out the front door, wearing the sweat

pants.
He looks up and down the sidewalk for the thief. No

sign of her!
Turning, he sees his pants lying in a heap, just to

the side of the building’s front steps.
He leans down to pick them up and frantically turns

the pockets inside out. There’s nothing in them. He
kicks at the stoop.
CHRIS
My wallet!
Chris paces with a cup of coffee, while Robert lays

on the couch, hands behind his head, watching.
CHRIS
She must have come up the fire
escape, the same way you do.
ROBERT
I told you to have your security
checked.
page 117
CHRIS
It was a sign.
ROBERT
Excuse me?
CHRIS
I think it was a sign. I left
here wondering what to do about
everything. Then I ran into Ariel
at the bar.
ROBERT
You can into Ariel?
CHRIS
I think she knows it was us.
ROBERT
She does.
CHRIS
Yeah, but it’s fine. She likes
me. I mean I think she likes me.
ROBERT
This is promising.
CHRIS
But then I went home, you know,
thinking about everything. And I
wake up, thinking I’m dreaming,
and there’s this woman in my
home! Can’t you see it?
ROBERT
See what?
page 118
CHRIS
A thief shows up in my apartment
out of nowhere, takes my wallet.
Just as I’m trying to decide
whether or not to continue a life
of crime. It’s like something’s
telling me something.
ROBERT
Now who sounds like Sebastian
Foster?
CHRIS
I don’t want to go to jail
anymore, Robert.
I think I’m in love with Ariel.
ROBERT
That’s great, but we have
something to finish. You can’t
back out now.
CHRIS
No.
ROBERT
We don’t have to go to jail!
Ariel was right. This is a work
of art and we have to complete
it! We’re having an impact!
CHRIS
I’ll reimburse you for the army
fatigues. Let’s just drop this
thing.
page 119
ROBERT
You owe me one more chance to
make my case.
CHRIS
So make it.
ROBERT
Not here. We need to go for a
drive.
EXT. ROAD IN LONG ISLAND - DUSK
Robert drives a beat up old car past a strip mall.

Lights on the signs are starting to come on in the
dusk.
INT. CAR - NIGHT
Outside the car window, red sign letters with the

names of various businesses glow in the darkness, as
the car passes them.
There is no sense of place - only one red sign

after another.
Robert steps on the brake as they come to a stop

sign. Chris slumps in the passenger seat, staring
out the window.
The light turn green. Robert steps on the gas and

they roll forward past more signs.
ROBERT
This is what we’re fighting
against.
CHRIS
They’re stores Robert.
page 120
ROBERT
Doesn’t this freak you out?
CHRIS
Looks the same as any other
place.
ROBERT
That’s the point. We could be
anywhere. Oklahoma City.
Sacramento. Cincinnati.
Birmingham.
New York is one of the few places

left that has any individual
character. It’s like invasion of
the body snatchers. Nothing but
prefab homes and brand name
stores.
CHRIS
And you’re going to bring down
suburbia by robbing one Moon
Beams in Manhattan?
ROBERT
The results aren’t important.
It’s just a chance to get a
message out. Isn’t that why you
want to write?
CHRIS
I don’t know why I want to write
anymore.
ROBERT
Well, I know I want to do this.
I’ll do it whether you come along
or not.
page 121
CHRIS
You’re serious.
ROBERT
Deadly.
INT. MOON BEAMS - DAY
The Manager pokes a button on the cash register. A

NEW EMPLOYEE, a young guy, stands behind him
watching.
MANAGER
Simple. The keys are all
programmed by product. Coffee
items are on the left. Bakery
items and sandwiches on the
right.
You think you can handle it.
NEW EMPLOYEE
Yeah, I think I got it.
MANAGER
Last girl we had on this job was
irresponsible. Real bad attitude.
I want you to be sure you do a
better job. A Moon Beams employee
needs to be friendly and
efficient.
NEW EMPLOYEE
You can count on me, sir.
The new employee hands a woman a cup of coffee over

the counter. As she’s taking it, it slips out her
hand and shatters on the floor.
page 122
The manager comes over.
MANAGER
What happened?
NEW EMPLOYEE
(to woman)
I’m so sorry.
(to manager)
I’ll get something to clean it
up.
He runs toward the kitchen.
Robert, in mask, fatigues, red sash, and helmet

appears at the door.
He pushes the door open, holding a gun in the air.
ROBERT
Everyone remain calm! The
occupation army is here!
Behind him, Chris enters sheepishly, also in full

costume.
ROBERT
Free yourselves from oppression!
EXT. SIDEWALK - NIGHT
On the sidewalk, one of the anarchist protesters

from the other night sees Robert through the window.
He runs down the sidewalk, yelling.
ANARCHIST
Hey, they’re back! They’re back!
page 123
The Manager comes at Robert angrily.
MANAGER
I’ve had just about enough of
this shit.
ROBERT
(pointing the gun
at him)
Get back! Nobody interferes with
the mission.
The manager backs off a bit, then looks more closely

at the gun.
MANAGER
Give me the damn gun. It’s just a
toy.
Robert raises the gun above his head and fires it.
Plaster falls from the ceiling and lands at the
Manager’s feet.
CHRIS
What are you doing?
ROBERT
Makes a lot of noise for a toy,
doesn’t it?
(pointing the gun
at the manager)
Now if you’ll be so kind as to
open the register and give the
money to my friend here.
The manager moves nervously toward the register.

Chris follows him, passing Robert.
page 124
CHRIS
Where did you get a real gun?
ROBERT
Michael’s got connections.
A crowd of neighborhood types gathers on the

sidewalk to watch the robbery.
ANARCHIST
Moon Beams go home!
CROWD
Moon Beams go home!
Chris takes a wad of cash from the Manager at the

register.
CHRIS
Listen, sorry about my friend. I
had no idea he had a real gun.
We’ll be getting out of here
soon.
MANAGER
You’re going to be real sorry
about this kid.
The New Employee is on the fall phone, speaking

hurriedly in a whisper, glancing toward the kitchen
door.
page 125
NEW EMPLOYEE
That’s right officer. The same
Moon Beams as last week. Get here
quick. They have a gun.
INT. MOON BEAMS
The crowd from outside bursts through the doors.

Robert stands on a table in the center of the
restaurant, conducting the crowd with his gun.
ROBERT
Moon Beams go home!
CROWD
Moon Beams go home! Moon Beams go
home!
Chris has a wad of cash in his hand. He pushes the

manager back toward the center of the dining area.
Through his mask his eyes look glazed.
CHRIS
I don’t believe this.
ROBERT
Moon Beams go home!
CROWD
Moon Beams go home!
The shouting reaches a crescendo. One of the

anarchists, in a frenzy, picks up a table and hurls
it at the counter.
Pandemonium breaks out. Chairs are thrown. Someone

pushes over one of the coffee machine.
Robert still stands on the table in the middle,

overseeing the fray.
page 126
The manager runs to grab a man who is about to hurl

a table. He throws the manager to the ground and
hurls the table through the front window.
ROBERT
Smash everything! Down with Moon
beams!
CHRIS
(pulling at his
arm)
We gotta get outta here!
ROBERT
No fucking way! The people are
speaking!
Ariel strolls lazily along the sidewalk a few blocks

from Moon Beams.
She hears sirens and looks up.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Three police cars weave through traffic toward Moon

Beams.
Ariel looks ahead and sees:
Crowd gathered outside Moon Beams. Broken glass on

the sidewalk.
She starts to run.
Absolute chaos. The sound of sirens.

page 127
Chris yanks Robert off the table.
CHRIS
(furiously)
We have got to get out of here!
Robert glares through his mask and pulls his arm

free.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Police cars pull up in front of Moon Beams.
Six cops burst through the doors, riot clubs drawn.

They grab a couple of protesters and subdue them.
One cop sees Robert in the crowd and pulls gun on

him.
COP
You, with the gun, stop!
Robert ripping himself away from Chris turns wildly

toward cop, waving gun.
The gun goes off into the air.
The cop takes aim.
Chris dives toward Robert, tackling him just as the

cop’s shot goes off.
Sprawled on the ground, Chris grabs Robert’s arm and

scrambles, his head down, toward the kitchen.
The police are obstructed from Robert and Chris by

the crowd.
The protesters are now fighting with the cops with

the clubs.
page 128
EXT. FRONT SIDEWALK - NIGHT
Ariel tries to fight through the crowd in front of

Moon Beams and can’t.
She throws up her arms in frustration, then turns

and runs down a side alley.
Chris dives through the kitchen door, followed by

Robert.
CHRIS
Is this what you call saving the
world?
ROBERT
So things got a little out of
hand!
CHRIS
Shut up! Just shut up! I don’t
want to hear it anymore.
And give me the damn gun!
He grabs the gun out of Robert’s hand, then turns to

see the New Employee cowering against the wall by
the door.
CHRIS
(pointing the gun
at the New
Employee)
Don’t fuck with me!
The New Employee bolts the room.

page 129
Several policemen force their way through the crowd.
Chris puts his hand on the back door, Robert right

behind him.
The door begins to open. Chris jumps back, tense,

gun ready.
The door opens slowly. Ariel cautiously puts her

head in.
Chris puts arm with gun down in relief.
Ariel looks at them in disgust.
ARIEL
Jesus Christ, don't you guys ever
rob anyone else?
ROBERT
We were just discussing that.
ARIEL
Get out of here! The front is
crawling with cops. But I think
if you head out this way you
might make it past the crowd.
Robert starts out the door, but Chris lingers.
CHRIS
(to Ariel)
Thanks.
Ariel looks at him. Chris removes his mask and

smiles at her.
page 130
ARIEL
(taking his hand)
Just get out of here.
ROBERT
OK, I’m ready to go now, lover
boy.
EXT. ALLEY - NIGHT
Chris and Robert run down the alley, trying to shed

their costumes.
Cops burst into the kitchen.
Ariel again sits in a corner weeping. It’s the same

cop who found her the last time.
ARIEL
I came in to get my pay check. It
was them again!
COP 1
Which way did they go this time!
ARIEL
I’m not sure. I was so surprised.
COP 1
(to Cop 2)
You go left, I’ll go right.
The cops dash out the door.
EXT. STREET - NIGHT
Chris and Robert stripped down to fatigue pants and

T-shirts run around a corner.
page 131
Robert stops Chris and pulls him over against a

wall.
ROBERT
Hold up. I think we lost them.
CHRIS
What was that back there!
ROBERT
We were committing a crime. You
wanted to be a criminal. We were
criminals!
CHRIS
You wanted to be a criminal!
ROBERT
I did it for you! You needed
this!
CHRIS
I needed this? I needed this?
I can’t believe you! I’m going to

have time to write WAR AND PEACE
by the time they’re done with us.
Why did you have to bring a gun?
ROBERT
The newspaper said I had a toy
gun. I wanted to be taken
seriously.
CHRIS
Oh I think you were taken
seriously.
Chris begins to walk away. Robert follows him.

page 132
CHRIS
Don’t follow me, Robert! We’re
done!
ROBERT
You’re overreacting!
CHRIS
No. I’ve been under reacting!
Stay away from me!
Chris marches off into the night.
Robert shrugs and heads in the opposite direction.
INT. BAR - NIGHT
Chris sits at the bar, drinking a scotch. He wears a

new set of clothes.
An old guy in a Yankees cap and long coat sits next

to him. The old guy takes out a cigarette. Chris
watches him light it, then leans over to him. Chris
has obviously had more than one drink.
CHRIS
Can I bother you for a cigarette?
OLD GUY
Can’t afford your own?
CHRIS
I’ve been trying to quit.
OLD GUY
You’ll die whether you smoke ‘em
or not.
(hands him a
cigarette)
You look like shit, kid.
page 133
CHRIS
I’ve had a bad day.
OLD GUY
You’re young. You don’t know what
a bad day is.
CHRIS
(finishes off his
whiskey and waves
to the bartender)
It’s just I make all the wrong
decisions. My life’s not turning
out the way I planned it.
OLD GUY
Want my advice, quit moping.
You’re young. Have a good time.
Sleep with some pretty women
while you can. Nobody’s life
turns out the way they expect it.
CHRIS
Yeah, but didn’t you ever have
some dreams?
OLD GUY
Dreams are horseshit, son.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE CHRIS’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Chris stumbles down hallway and fumbles with his key

at his door.
As Chris opens his door, he’s faced with two

policemen, standing with the lights on. One holds
the painting of Sebastian.
page 134
CHRIS
What’s going on?
COP
You’re under arrest.
Naomi sits at her desk, working furiously on a

manuscript.
A knock at the door. Harold enters.
Naomi looks up from her work and beams.
NAOMI
Harold, darling!
HAROLD
You wanted to see me?
NAOMI
Fantastic news! We’ve found the
painting!
HAROLD
You found it?
NAOMI
It seems my little assistant
wasn’t as trustworthy or meek as
we assumed him to be. It was in
his apartment.
HAROLD
That boy stole Sebastian’s
portrait?
NAOMI
Yes, isn’t marvelous? I mean,
marvelous that we’ve found it.
page 135
I’ll get it right out to

Sebastian.
HAROLD
That’s wonderful, Naomi. But we
have something more serious to
discuss. I don’t know the
painting is going to placate
Sebastian at this point.
NAOMI
What do you mean?
HAROLD
When we told Sebastian his
royalty account was dry, he had
his accountant take a closer look
at things.
NAOMI
And?
HAROLD
And it seems there’s quite a bit
of money missing from his
account. We’ve started looking at
the records. There are quite a
few phantom write-offs against
his account.
NAOMI
Impossible. Show me the records.
Harold nods in acquiescence and makes a gesture

toward the door.
EXT. ROBERT’S STOOP - DAY
Robert sits on his stoop, smoking.

page 136
INT. JAIL - DAY
Chris sits dejectedly on the floor of a holding

cell. He looks like he hasn’t slept or shaved.
Several scary looking men share the cell with him,

plus one YOUNG GAUNT GUY with long stringy hair.
The young guy comes up to Chris.
YOUNG GUY
What you in for, man.
CHRIS
I’m not in the mood to talk about
it.
YOUNG GUY
Probably a set up, right? I’m
telling you, these guys are all
corrupt.
You know what they got me for?

Pot. Can you believe it, man?
Fucking marijuana. I walked right
into a sweep.
CHRIS
What’s a sweep?
YOUNG GUY
Every once in a while they like
to pretend they’re doing
something about drugs. So they
send the whole fucking police
force out to neighborhoods they
know are big dealing areas and
they just round everybody up.
page 137
If you don’t have anything on

you, they just give you a summons
for vagrancy. Make some income,
you know? But if you got some pot
on you, or worse, you’re screwed.
CHRIS
So you’re screwed.
YOUNG GUY
It’s just a control thing,
anyway. They know the dope heads
are the free thinkers. A threat
to their authority.
CHRIS
Huh.
YOUNG GUY
You want a cigarette, man?
CHRIS
You have cigarettes?
YOUNG GUY
Yeah, I managed to smuggle ‘em
in. Last couple of times I ended
up in here they came in handy.
Make you real popular with the
other inmates.
CHRIS
I bet.
As he takes one from the kid, he looks up and sees a

couple of the scary guys staring at him. He takes it
out of his mouth, smiles nervously, and hold it out
as an offering.
page 138
INT. CELL - DAY
Chris sleeps.
A cop walks down the corridor, comes up to the cell

and rattles the bars.
COP
Carpenter?
CHRIS
(waking)
Huh?
COP
You get a phone call, kid.
INT. CORRIDOR - DAY
The cop escorts Chris toward a phone at the end of

the hallway.
COP
They won’t be officially charging
you for a few days. You can
either get someone to pay bail or
wait till the charges are filed
and get out on your own
reconnaissance. If it’s a
misdemeanor. We might have to
hold ya longer if they decide
it’s a felony.
CHRIS
For taking a bad painting?
COP
Expensive painting.
page 139
Make your phone call. I’ll be

back in five minutes.
The cop walks out of the room, locking the door

behind him.
EXT. FRONT OF ROBERT’S APARTMENT - DAY
Robert puts his cigarette out on the stoop, gets up

and starts walking down the street.
The phone rings.
EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY
Robert walks lazily down the street, staring at his

feet. He looks for a moment and sees:
Ariel coming slowly from the opposite direction,

looking as if she’s daydreaming.
Robert pulls his sweatshirt hood up over his head,

looks down, and begins to walk more quickly.
He passes Ariel, seemingly unnoticed.
She stops and turns just past him.
ARIEL
If you see your friend, tell him
I’m working at Joe’s Bar now. And
don’t come try to rob that. I
can’t afford to lose any more
jobs.
The phone stops ringing and the answering machine

picks up.
page 140
ROBERT’S VOICE
OK, you found me. Now you have
thirty seconds. Beep.
CHRIS’S VOICE
Robert, I’m in jail. They’re
accusing me of stealing a
painting. Listen, I need...
Answering machine cuts off.
Harold sits at the head of a small conference table

that is spread with vouchers, presumably from the
open file that lies next to them.
Naomi sits next to him, scrutinizing one of the

pieces of paper.
HAROLD
Naomi, this is outrageous. Money
has been siphoned out of his
account for months. You better
have a good explanation for this.
NAOMI
I’m as shocked as you are. That
boy must be deeply troubled.
HAROLD
What do you mean the boy?
NAOMI
Isn’t it obvious? He’s a
kleptomaniac or worse an outright
thief. First the painting and now
this. I recognize some of the
names these are made out to, but
I bet most of them are out and
page 141
out fakes. Who knows how many

bank accounts he had open?
(shaking her head
in disbelief)
And he was always complaining
about money.
HAROLD
Some of these are in your
handwriting.
NAOMI
Oh Harold. That’s my fault. His
first week on the job I made him
learn to forge my writing. I’m
out of the office so much, you
know. It was just easier. He must
have thought he’d be less likely
to get caught.
HAROLD
I can’t believe it.
NAOMI
Believe it. The painting is our
proof.
INT. CLYDESDALE PRESS ART ROOM - DAY
Three staff members - two women and a man - sit

working over drawing tables. There’s one computer
with a large color screen.
Robert pops in.
WOMAN 1
Hey, Robert. I didn’t know you
were coming in today. You working
on something for us?
page 142
ROBERT
Nah. Just bored and thought I’d
drop in. You guys seen Chris
today? I walked past his desk and
didn’t see him.
MAN
You didn’t hear?
ROBERT
Hear what?
MAN
You aren’t going to have to worry
about being commissioned to do a
replacement for Sebastian Foster.
WOMAN 2
Christ, Jerry, it’s not funny.
ROBERT
What?
WOMAN 2
They found the painting. It was
in Chris’s apartment.
MAN
Can you believe it?
WOMAN 2
(to man)
They’re friends.
ROBERT
No, I don’t believe it.
Robert turns quickly to leave.

page 143
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Robert rounds corner in time to see Naomi and Harold

coming out of Harold’s office. He duck behind a
filing cabinet, within listening distance.
HAROLD
If these charges prove to be
true, that boy’s in serious
trouble. I was ready to be
lenient about the painting. A
prank. But we’re talking about
thousands of dollars here.
Embezzlement.
NAOMI
I take full responsibility. I
hired him. I’m just in shock. I
pride myself on being able to
read people.
HAROLD
I’ll call the police immediately
and inform them of the new
charges.
I wonder what he had against

Sebastian.
They turn into Harold’s office. Robert ducks out

from behind the filing cabinet and hurries toward
the elevator.
INT. POLICE STATION - DAY
Robert stands in a waiting area at the Precinct

House, talking to a cop through a window.
ROBERT
How much to get him out?
page 144
COP
If you had made it here an hour
ago - five hundred. But his price
just went up. They added some
charges.
ROBERT
How much?
COP
Bail’s set at a couple of
thousand. They were going to let
him out in a couple of days, but
with the new charges they’re
probably going to move him to
Rykers till his trial.
ROBERT
Rykers Island? He hasn’t been
found guilty of anything.
COP
(shrugs)
That’s where they go if they
can’t come up with bail.
EXT. JOE’S BAR - NIGHT
From the outside, Joe’s Bar is an East Village dive

- paint peeling off the sign, loud music coming from
within.
INT. JOE’S BAR - NIGHT
Ariel stands behind the bar, wiping up with a rag.

The bar is empty.
Robert appears in the door. Ariel looks up and sees

him. Robert approaches the bar.
page 145
ARIEL
Here comes trouble.
ROBERT
We need to talk.
ARIEL
So talk. You aren’t armed tonight
are you?
ROBERT
Can you leave that?
ARIEL
You know, the first one was
funny. But I don’t dig guns, man.
ROBERT
The gun was a mistake. I didn’t
think things would get so out of
hand. I just wanted people to
take us seriously.
ARIEL
I’d say they took us seriously.
The cops have been to interview
me twice.
ROBERT
What did you tell them?
ARIEL
Nothing. What do I know? Two guys
in masks and army fatigues
decided to rob a Moon Beams.
I can’t know anything more. My

ex-manager already thinks I was
involved.
page 146
You are two of the stupidest guys

I’ve ever met.
ROBERT
I need your help.
ARIEL
I bet you do. If you’re trying to
run to Bolivia or something,
you’re out of luck - my source
for forged passports dried up.
ROBERT
This is serious.
ARIEL
Where’s Tin Man?
ROBERT
That’s what I came about. He’s in
jail.
ARIEL
For Moon Beams?
ROBERT
No. Something else.
ARIEL
Jesus Christ, how much have you
guys done? Are you that bored?
ROBERT
It’s a long story. But he’s being
set up for something he didn’t do
and I have to get him out. I need
bail money. A couple thousand
dollars.
page 147
ARIEL
You’re the thief. Why come to me
for money? In case you haven’t
noticed I’m not getting a lot of
tips tonight.
ROBERT
I don’t need money from you.
You’re just the only one I can
trust. You already know almost
everything.
ARIEL
More than I want.
ROBERT
Chris and I had a fight after the
robbery. We never divided up the
money and I think he hid it in
his apartment.
There should be almost enough

there to cover the bail, plus
what I have in savings.
ARIEL
And you need me to...?
ROBERT
I’m kind of an expert at breaking
into Chris’s apartment. I just
need someone to stand guard
outside the building. There’s a
pay phone across the street. You
can stand there. If you see cops
coming, all you have to do is
call Chris’s phone, let it ring
page 148
three times and hang up. Then

I’ll know to get out of there.
ARIEL
And I should do this because...?
ROBERT
Because Chris is a great guy and,
if he goes to jail, you’ll never
date him.
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE CHRIS’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Ariel stands nervously at a phone booth, looking

across the street at Chris’s apartment building. The
apartment building is dark.
Out of the dark, a guy in a leather jacket appears.
GUY
I need to use the phone.
ARIEL
Sorry, I’m expecting an important
call.
GUY
C’mon, get out of the way. I need
to use the phone.
Ariel stands in the way, not budging. The guy looks

angry, as if he might do something. A voice comes
from behind him:
ROBERT
Can I help you with something?
Robert has just come from up the street. Ariel looks

at him, relieved. She steps out of the way.
page 149
ARIEL
There’s my call.
(to Robert)
Everything go OK?
ROBERT
Just fine. I think little
Johnny’s going to live.
INT. JAIL - DAWN
Chris is in a regular cell. He lies on the top bunk,

staring at the ceiling. A huge man sleeps on the
bottom bunk, snoring loudly.
A cop appears at the bars.
COP
Looks like it’s your lucky day,
kid. Somebody found some money
for you.
Escorted by a police officer, Chris exits the jail

into the station waiting room.
Robert, who is sitting in a chair, stands abruptly

all smiles. He holds out his hand. Chris looks
surprised to see him.
CHRIS
How did you get the money?
ROBERT
I had some help.
Ariel comes out of the bathroom. Chris is dumfounded

to see her.
page 150
CHRIS
You?
ARIEL
Let’s not get sappy. I just
wanted to see Butch and Sundance
reunited again.
ROBERT
She’s really very funny.
ARIEL
(grimacing at
Robert, then
addressing Chris)
I just wanted to see if you are
OK. Looks like you are.
I imagine you boys have a lot of

catching up to do, and I could
use some sleep.
She backs out of the room, giving Chris a wave as

she exits.
Chris stands at booth, picking up his personal items

from the officer there. Robert stands next to him.
ROBERT
You know I should have left you
in here to rot.
CHRIS
But that wouldn’t have been any
fun for you.
page 151
ROBERT
(shrugs)
No, you’re right. Want to get
something to eat?
INT. POLISH RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Chris devours a hamburger ravenously. Robert picks

thoughtfully at an order of perogi. He looks up at
Chris, who has food coming out of his mouth.
ROBERT
So it’s true what they say about
jail food.
CHRIS
Let me enjoy my meal, without
thinking about it.
ROBERT
We have to think about it. Unless
you’ve changed your mind again
and you want to be in jail.
CHRIS
I don’t want to hear any plans.
I’ve had enough plans. You bailed
me out. Thank you. But I wouldn’t
have been there if it hadn’t been
for you. So no more plans.
ROBERT
That woman is going to nail you
to the wall.
CHRIS
I’m innocent. I’ll get a lawyer.
page 152
ROBERT
Can you afford a good one? Even
if you can it won’t matter.
They’ll stick you in Rykers until
the trial - and the courts are
really backed up these days.
You’ll be getting that writing
time after all.
Ariel will probably be married by

the time you get out.
CHRIS
If I let you tell me what you
have in mind will you shut up.
ROBERT
Sure.
CHRIS
OK.
ROBERT
Naomi’s probably been at this a
while, right?
CHRIS
I guess so.
ROBERT
And she’s been using Foster’s
account to fund other book
projects?
CHRIS
It would appear.
page 153
ROBERT
And she’s been corresponding with
these freelancers she’s hired,
promising them money.
CHRIS
Yeah.
ROBERT
Does she keep files?
CHRIS
Sure.
ROBERT
So, theoretically, if someone
were to break into her office and
go through the filing cabinet,
that someone might be able to
find evidence that would
incriminate her.
CHRIS
No.
ROBERT
What do you mean, NO?
CHRIS
I won’t do it. We get caught,
it’ll just look worse. I’m in bad
enough shape as it is.
ROBERT
This is your only chance. If you
can’t do it for yourself, do it
for Ariel.
CHRIS
Don’t you mean do it for you?
page 154
ROBERT
Well, yeah, sure. That too.
EXT. SIDEWALK OUTSIDE CLYDESDALE PRESS - NIGHT
Robert comes around the side of the building and

looks in the front door.
There’s a new security guard and he’s wide awake.
Robert darts back to the corner, where Chris waits

in the shadows.
ROBERT
New guard. I’ll have to create a
diversion.
CHRIS
This is idiotic. Just let me go
to jail.
ROBERT
Sorry, that’s no longer the plan.
Go across the street and watch
through the door. Go in when it’s
clear.
EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT
Robert uses Chris’s key card the open the door.
INT. FOYER OF CLYDESDALE - NIGHT
Robert nods and smiles to the guard.
ROBERT
You new? What happened to Jack?
SECURITY
They caught him sleeping on the
job.
page 155
ROBERT
Too bad. I liked Jack. He used to
let me check the scores on his
radio. You still got it? I think
the Rangers are playing tonight.
SECURITY GUARD
Yeah, sure, come on back.
INT. FOYER OF CLYDESDALE - NIGHT
The foyer is now empty.
Chris slides quickly through the door and makes for

the stairwell.
INT. GUARD’S ROOM - NIGHT
Guard tuning in radio. There’s a sports talk show

going on.
GUARD
You sure there was a game. I
didn’t think they played till
tomorrow night.
ROBERT
I was positive. Maybe it starts
late.
GUARD
Nah. They’re on the East Coast
this week.
ROBERT
That’s the right station?
GUARD
They’re always on WFAN.
page 156
ROBERT
You got a paper that I can check?
GUARD
(points to it lying
on the chair)
Yeah, have a look.
ROBERT
(picks up the paper
and begins to flip
through it)
You’re right. Tomorrow night. The
Islanders. I could have sworn it
was tonight.
Oh well. Good news for me. I

won’t be working tomorrow. I can
stay home and watch.
GUARD
They don’t really have it this
year, do they?
ROBERT
They’ll turn it around.
(moving back toward
the foyer)
Thanks!
GUARD
Don’t mention it.
INT. FOYER - NIGHT
Robert nonchalantly punches up button on the

elevator, while guard watches.
page 157
INT. 2ND FLOOR - NIGHT
Elevator doors open and Robert comes out. He goes to

door to stairs and knocks. Chris opens it. Robert
goes in.
INT. STAIRWAY - NIGHT
Robert and Chris walk cautiously up the stairs.
CHRIS
(whispering
sarcastically)
Hope you brought your gun!
ROBERT
Only to protect myself from you.
INT. CHRIS’S OFFICE - NIGHT
Robert opens door slowly and looks out. A light is

on down the hall.
Robert hold out his arm to keep Chris behind him on

the stairwell.
As they watch, Naomi skips out of her office,

whistling. She dances down the hallway.
ROBERT
Somebody’s in a good mood.
CHRIS
We should wait until she’s gone.
ROBERT
No. This is a break. Her office
door is open. We won’t have to
pick the lock.
page 158
CHRIS
We’ll never make it.
ROBERT
You know what you’re looking for.
We’ll be in and out in a minute!
Without waiting for a response, Robert makes a dash

for Naomi’s office. Chris watches helplessly, then
dashes after him.
Chris runs his hand hurriedly through the drawer of

the filing cabinet. He grabs a couple of folders,
shoves them under his arm, and keeps looking.
Robert stands watching the hallway through the door

which is partially closed.
Naomi whistles as she makes her way back to her

office.
Robert motions frantically to Chris. Chris slams the

file drawer and drops the folders he’s taken.
Frantically he picks them up. He and Robert dance
around each other looking for places to hide.
Naomi puts her hand on her office door, then cocks

her head as if she hears something. She turns to
look behind her, then shrugs and opens the door.
page 159
Naomi rummages through some piles on her desk,

looking for papers. The office appears empty. No
sign of the boys.
Naomi finds what she’s looking for and packs her

briefcase, whistling again.
She turns to glance around the office. Then sighs

and flips off the light.
She exits, closing the door behind her.
Chris, who was standing behind the door, heaves a

silent sigh of relief.
Naomi walks down the hallway toward the elevator.
Chris runs to the window and opens it. Robert swings

his body back inside from the ledge. Chris looks at
him with panic and disbelief. Robert smiles.
ROBERT
Nice view from up here.
CHRIS
Does everything have to be
dramatic with you?
ROBERT
(ignoring him)
Do you have the letters.
page 160
CHRIS
(holding out a
small stack of
folders)
I think this should be enough.
INT. CHRIS’S DESK - NIGHT
Robert leans over the desk writing a note.
Chris grabs a large envelope from a shelf and begins

to put the letters into it.
Robert hands him the finished note, with a flourish.

Chris regards it skeptically, then pops it in the
envelope.
CHRIS
Very restrained for you.
ROBERT
Literature is not my art.
INT. OUTSIDE HAROLD’S OFFICE - NIGHT
Chris crouches by Harold’s door and stuffs the

envelope underneath. He looks up at Robert, who
stands flush against the opposite wall, watching the
hallway.
Chris gives Robert the thumbs up. Robert starts to

move, but:
They hear the ding of the elevator.
Chris freezes, terrified. Robert presses back

against the wall, and waves Chris over to a nearby
filing cabinet.
page 161
INT. ELEVATOR BANK - NIGHT
Naomi, apparently having forgotten something, exits

the elevator and strolls toward Harold’s office.
Robert runs in a crouch to where Chris sits balled

up behind the cabinet. Robert scrunches beside him.
To their amazement, they watch as:
Naomi goes to Harold offices and tries the doorknob.

Finding it locked, she calmly reaches into her purse
and withdraws a bobby pin. She inserts it carefully
in the door and begins to manipulate the lock.
Another ding echoes through the hallway!
Harold and a YOUNGER WOMEN, both in formal attire,

come stumbling out of the elevator, draped around
each other, apparently drunk. The woman giggles.
Naomi turns quickly and runs back to her office. She

fumbles with the door and manages to get in, just
as:
Harold and the woman round the corner, kissing.
INT. BEHIND FILING CABINET - NIGHT
Robert peeks out from behind the cabinet and

grimaces at the sight of Harold and the woman.
ROBERT
(to Chris)
Here we go again.
page 162
Harold enters the darkened office and flips on the

light. The woman nibbles at his neck.
WOMAN
Oh Harold.
HAROLD
I’m right here, baby.
Robert leaps from behind the filing cabinet and

makes a dash down the hallway toward the elevator.
The doors have remained open! Chris stumbles after
him.
Robert and Chris tumble into the elevator. Chris

hits the two button. Nothing happens. Robert punches
the close door button. Still nothing. Chris pushes
him out of the way and hits the button repeatedly.
CHRIS
Perfect!
ROBERT
Shush!
Robert pushes Chris to the side. Both hide against

the sides of the elevator.
As Harold and Mistress kiss sloppily and fumble with

their clothes, she drops her purse, which dumps its
contents.
WOMAN
My purse!
page 163
HAROLD
Sorry, honey, let me get that.
He leans down and begins to drunkenly pick up the

contents. The woman comes over his back and kisses
his neck.
INT. ELEVATOR - NIGHT
Chris give the close door button a swift punch.

Nothing happens.
Still on his knees with the woman on his back,

Harold spots the envelope on the floor and
instinctively picks it up.
In bold red marker, the front of the envelope reads:

IMPORTANT INFORMATION - OPEN IMMEDIATELY.
Harold pushes the woman off his neck and sits up on

the floor.
HAROLD
Hold on a minute, honey.
Naomi pokes her head out her office door. She sees
that Harold’s door is closed and that a light is
coming from beneath it. She slips out of her office
and into the hallway.
Naomi tiptoes toward the elevator.
From his position on the wall, Robert whispers

hoarsely.
page 164
ROBERT
Let’s make a run for the stairs.
CHRIS
(turning his head
to look down the
hallway)
I think someone’s coming!
Naomi rounds the final turn toward the elevator

bank. She sees the open doors.
They close, just as she’s reaching them. She hits

the down button, but nothing happens.
NAOMI
Shit!
Harold kneels, reading one of the letters, while the

woman languishes on the couch, looking bored.
HAROLD
Was that the elevator?
Chris collapses on the floor, half laughing, half

sobbing. Robert leans against the wall, also
laughing.
CHRIS
That was too close.
ROBERT
(laughing)
That was too perfect.
page 165
Naomi stuck at the elevator bank turns to see Harold

coming down the hallway toward her. His hair is a
mess, his tie loose, lipstick on his shirt.
NAOMI
Harold!
HAROLD
Naomi!
From behind Harold, the woman comes stumbling down

the hallway, trying to get her high heeled shoe back
on.
WOMAN
Honey, what’s going on?
NAOMI
Harold!
Robert leans back on the couch and toasts with a can

of beer. Chris reclines at the opposite end, also
with a beer in his hand.
ROBERT
To victory!
CHRIS
Victory!
(taking a sip of
beer)
That was stupid, but it was worth
it.
page 166
ROBERT
See? You’re learning to do things
my way.
CHRIS
No. I’m never doing things your
way again.
Or anybody else’s way again. I’m

going to do things my way from
now on.
ROBERT
(singing)
He did things his way!
(takes a drink)
Not as much fun as doing things
my way, but I’ll drink to that.
CHRIS
Look, Robert, I’m sorry.
ROBERT
About what?
CHRIS
For being so pissed.
ROBERT
Is this where I’m supposed to
apologize for the gun?
CHRIS
Well...
ROBERT
OK. I’m sorry for the gun. But
I’m not sorry about Moon Beams.
page 167
CHRIS
You were right about me, you
know.
ROBERT
I know, but tell me.
CHRIS
I need to make up my mind. Just
do something. Quit living my life
as though I’m only half in it.
ROBERT
Sound philosophy. Hope we can
keep you out of jail so you can
implement it.
A pile of covers over a lump in the folded down

futon frame.
The phone rings shrilly.
A hand emerges from the mountain of blankets and

gropes for the phone.
Chris pokes his head out of the covers and brings

the receiver to his ear.
CHRIS
(groggily)
Hello? Who?
I guess. No. I’ll be right down.
Harold sits behind his desk with his hands folded.

Naomi stands to the side of him. Chris sits
uncomfortably on the couch in front of them.
page 168
HAROLD
We wanted to tell you ourselves.
We’ve decided to drop the
charges.
CHRIS
You what?
HAROLD
Stealing the painting was a
stupid prank, but hardly worth
prosecuting. It’s back. Sebastian
received it yesterday.
NAOMI
And on the embezzlement, it
appears we made a horrible
mistake. I jumped to conclusions.
HAROLD
With all the excitement about the
painting, we seem to have leapt
to assumption that the missing
money was a result of foul play.
(exchanging glances
with Naomi)
Turns out it was just an
accounting error. The money’s
been found and returned to the
account, hasn’t it Naomi?
NAOMI
Accounting put the money back in
this morning. Everything’s
forgotten. Isn’t it Harold?
page 169
HAROLD
Yes, everything. I hope you’ve
learned a lesson, young man.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
Chris walks quickly out of Harold’s office, making a

bee-line for the elevators.
Naomi rushes out after him.
NAOMI
Chris! I want to talk to you.
CHRIS
(turning)
What is it, Naomi?
NAOMI
I want you to have your job back.
CHRIS
What?
NAOMI
Darling, you know I can’t survive
without you. The Winter list is
coming out and I can’t afford the
time running around looking for a
new assistant.
Say you’ll do it! Everything’s

forgotten all the way around. I
think I can even get you a raise!
CHRIS
No.
NAOMI
What?
page 170
CHRIS
I’m through with this place.
Chris turns wearily and begins to walk away. Naomi

comes after him, angrily.
NAOMI
I showed you mercy, you little
schmuck! You’ll never work in
this industry again!
CHRIS
Good-bye, Naomi.
EXT. STREET - DAY
Chris and Robert stroll down a sunny street in the

East Village.
ROBERT
(spreading his
arms)
The sun is out. Your future is
ahead of you.
CHRIS
No money. No prospects. Glorious.
ROBERT
Too bad we didn’t get caught for
that last robbery. Jail would
have been a bitch, but think of
the memoir we could have written.
I’ll bet we could have done

Oprah!
CHRIS
Oprah would probably be dead by
the time we got out.
page 171
Where do you want to go?
ROBERT
I have an idea.
EXT. STREET OUTSIDE MOON BEAMS - DAY
A new window has been put in. A work crew works

inside, remodeling.
Chris and Robert stop to watch from the opposite

side of the street. Robert leans against a building
and lights a cigarette.
ROBERT
They’re stronger than us.
CHRIS
Does this mean you’ve given up
the crusade?
ROBERT
(shrugging)
It would be tough to top my last
performance. I’m thinking my Moon
Beams period may be over. I might
do something with clay and
feathers next.
CHRIS
Nice.
From across the street, a figure in a leather coat

moves toward them, barely visible in the sun. Chris
squints.
Ariel emerges from the glare.

page 172
ARIEL
You know they always say
criminals return to the scene of
the crime, but I never believed
them.
ROBERT
I have no idea what you’re
talking about.
CHRIS
I hear you’re working at Joe’s
Bar now. Wouldn’t happen to have
any open positions?
ARIEL
Why? You know someone who’s
looking for work?
CHRIS
Could be.
ARIEL
They come with good references?
CHRIS
(looking at Robert)
Only the best.
ARIEL
I’ll see what I can do. What you
guys up to?
ROBERT
Actually, I was just thinking
about how much I need to get home
to do some painting. But Chris
here is free I think.
page 173
ARIEL
Yeah?
CHRIS
You wanna go get a cup of coffee
or something?
ARIEL
(smiles)
Yeah, sure.
EXT. STREET - DAY
From a distance we see Ariel and Chris walking

slowly down the street together, bumping elbows.
Robert stands in front of the wreckage of Moon Beams

shaking his head and smiling.
THE END.

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Stealin’

November 18, 1997

EXT. STREET ON THE LOWER EAST SIDE - NIGHT

It’s night on the Lower East Side of Manhattan and

CHRIS CARPENTER, a 25-year-old guy, hurries through

A MAN walking in front of Chris fumbles with a bag.

Chris watches the piece of paper fall to the ground,

It’s a TWENTY DOLLAR BILL. Chris quickly snatches it

EXT. STREET ON THE LOWER EAST SIDE - NIGHT

The man walks quickly down a darkened side street.

Chris runs after him, waving the bill.

The man walks more quickly.

The man turns abruptly, ready for a fight. Chris,

The man looks at Chris incredulously, does nothing.

The man takes the bill cautiously, looks at it, then

INT. LOWER EAST SIDE CAFE - NIGHT

In the performance space of a poetry cafe, a stylish

Chris, who sits at a small table alone, fidgets and

The woman finishes her reading to thunderous

Chris fumbles for his notebook, spilling coffee on

GWEN has just come in and is paying cover to the

INT. LOWER EAST SIDE CAFE - NIGHT

Gwen squeezes into the seat next to Chris. (Gwen is

Chris leans across the table and kisses Gwen quickly

INT. LOWER EAST SIDE CAFE - NIGHT

On stage, the MC, a guy wearing sun glasses, a

Chris grabs his notebook and stands abruptly

INT. LOWER EAST SIDE CAFE - NIGHT

Chris approaches the mike as if it might bite him.

Audience members are already looking bored.

GUY WITH A SHAVED HEAD rolls his eyes and takes a

We make ourselves in God’s image

Chris nervously closes his notebook and steps away

The audience claps politely, except...

Gwen, who beams, and claps loudly.

INT. ANOTHER CAFE - NIGHT

This cafe is nearly empty. Gwen sits at a table

that could be me if I just had a

Did you get the God thing at the

Did you ever read The Man with

When’s Sebastian coming to town?

Gwen takes a huge mouthful of chocolate cake.

INT. CLYDESDALE PRESS - DAY

An oil painting of SEBASTIAN FOSTER fills the

Two DELIVERY BOYS carry the painting down a corridor

As the delivery boys travel toward the end of the

Chris looks awkward in his work clothes - he wears a

Chris rips a piece of paper from his typewriter in

INT. CHRIS’S DESK - DAY

Chris sits on his desk staring blankly at the

ROBERT, a freelance artist approximately the same

Robert sees the painting and stops dead, his jaw

He hands Chris his cup of coffee.

Chris slides off the desk, back into his chair.

Down the hallway, they hear a piercing shriek!

The source of the shriek is NAOMI SCHNELL, a large

She breezes regally past, slamming her office door

INT. NAOMI’S OFFICE DAY

Naomi has just deposited her weight behind her desk.

Naomi rummages through some folders. Chris opens the

Chris slinks toward the couch and tries to clear

Don’t pay the artist, by the way.

for it. I mean what a piece of

And if this banquet goes really