Mr. Gazette (Spring 2013)

This took us only three years!
Issue 1
By: Maddy Williams
Creation of Legion of Doom Sparks Controversy at Blake
Yeah, were surpised we got this issue together too.
Super Senior Publications
MINNEAPOLIS, MN - After the creation of the well-known Justice League at Blake, bullies in every grade have retaliated with the establishment of a Blake Legion of Doom, or "LOD," as it is a ectionately called. Although most members have declined to be interviewed, two students have come forward, including the founder and leader of the group, Tmas Yanez. He claims the Blake Legion of Doom was founded in order to "promote diversity in the school and provide a safe space for bullies everywhere. When asked about current projects, Yanez mentioned an upcoming event challenging the Justice League event, Stand Up, Speak Out. The event will work to promote silence and indi erence, and will be called something along the lines of, Sit Down and Shut the F*** Up." An anonymous source stated, [The Legion of Doom] is better than the Justice League because everyone is welcome. You dont need to apply, all you need to do is hate everyone. Mary Larsen, a returning junior this year, has also come forward as an active member... And this is what happened when we google (Continued on page 2) searched Legion of doom
New Handicap Ramp Installed!

Exclusive Interview with Ben Ben Barry Barry
These Dang Liberal Backpack Policies By: Sebastian Moller

Walking through these halls a day hasn't gone by where I havent heard absurd-looking, long-hairsporting, Pete-Wentz-look-alike hippie teenagers complaining about the backpack policy we now have in place. Sure, our policy (especially regarding bag con scation) is stricter than the TSAs. And, yes, it was probably only established as a means for bored sta to take symbolic revenge on students who remind them of their childhood bullies. But this is safety were talking about, and here at Blake we want everyone to feel secure. I know that if my laptop were stolen and stripped for parts by some Uptown hipster... (coninued on page 3)
Tim Pawlenty Center for the Humanities Announced

By: Joe Anderson The Blake School announced Monday, plans for more renovations. This time the English, Social Studies and language wings will be remodeled and brought into the 21st century thanks to a kind donation from former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty, the name sake of the center. Pawlenty donated $87 million dollars to the school to fund the remodel, which will also incorporate a new element into the Blake humanities curriculum. Head of School Anne Stavney reported the humanities curriculum will change slightly with the addition of the, "Don't ask questions and end class 20 minutes early," policy. Pawlenty explained in an exclusive interview with Gazette reporters, the savings the school will bene t from... (Continued on Page 2)
I am Angry: Tri-Quarterly Rants with Tom - Growth Mindsets

Located on Page 14
Changes to School Grading Policy

Located on Page 3
Mr. Gazette The quilted quicker picker upper.
School Name Up For Auction

By: Natcher Pruett Mr. Gazette can o cially and exclusively report, based on smudged photocopied documents obtained from the recycling bins in the library by an unnamed freshman who has subsequently been paid obscene sums of money to not talk to Spectrum or the StarTribune, that an unnamed Minnesota private school is considering selling o naming rights for the purpose of gaining ridiculous amounts of cash money, preferably in ve and ten dollar bills. We, the leaders of the [redacted] School of Excellence, obtained this idea for instantaneous pro t from the Minnesota Vikings new stadium to be paid for by the taxpayers of Minnesota, which will most likely carry the name of a large private corporation with a history of questionable human rights/work equity/money management/general moral accountability that gave copious amounts of American dollars to the team so that people can sit in seats branded with their attractive, product-selling logo. And we thought, if some football team can do it, why cant we? Therefore, we are putting the name of the school up for auction. Next year, when students return, they will sit in desks plastered with the logo of the auction-winning company and will walk through hallways covered in billboards for this lovely product and will cheer on the [athletic mascot redacted] with brand-approved vuvuzelas. We anticipate this experience will teach students the values of competition in a free market society, the e ects of advertising on the human psyche, the importance of not selling out too quickly and the true implications of living in a privileged rst-world country. We also anticipate a greatly strengthened community and enough money to purchase several new Foucaults pendulums, buy out the best coaches from our athletic rivals, bribe our all of our top students into Ivy League universities and nally have a winning football squad. The school anticipates formally announcing the move sometime in February and selling the naming rights for the school at an auction in the spring, though some provisional bids are reportedly in. Several current sophomores have started a semi-legal betting ring to guess what the school will be named in the fall. It looks like students could be returning to the Chipotle School of Excellence in August, one said in an exclusive interview with Gazette, where learning was raised free-range and without the addition of harmful chemicals. Then again, Bobs Snow Removal, Inc. has as part of their provisional bid that they will guarantee no snow days for the next millennium, which seems to be swaying some anti-snow members of the Board of Trustees. Other possibilities for the schools new name include the North Face School of Excellence, the Lexus School of Excellence, the Caribou Co ee School of Excellence, the Target School of Excellence, the Promethean Board School of Excellence, the Coca-Cola School of Excellence and the Internet Cat Videos, Inc. School of Excellence.
Gazround Blake
Issue 1 October 2004
resident rock expert, Rockert Rockinson. Rockinson con rmed, After hours of deliberation, and days of processing we came to a shocking conclusion: It could be a rock. Now, usually, the story would end there. The witnesses would be the thanked, the article would be written and America would move on. But the Gazette research team had tasted blood, and were determined to lay to rest this rock mystery once and for all. In order for this "rock" to be found, 24/7 surveillance of the Blake School was imperative. And so survey we did. As the months with no rock sightings rolled by, we became discouraged, then we received a call: The rock had been sighted in the rain garden. We rushed to the scene, to nd a group of onlookers horri ed at the discovery. As We approached the mysterious object, we thought for sure it was a rock. But it wasn't a rock. It was a ROCK LOBSTER NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NANANA NAH ROCK LOBSTER NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH. ROCK LOBSTAER NAH NAH NAHDFEN HA NHAN NAH NAH ROCJ ALOBHBSTWER NAFDHSIA FNAH FNEHA RCJ ASDF AWEFNOSETE
Creation of Legion of Doom Sparks Controversy at Blake (continued)

When asked about her thoughts behind joining, Larsen stopped giving Nina Lillehei a wedgie and replied, As a bully, I felt unwelcome the moment I walked in the door. It was a very hostile environment, and I needed somewhere to turn. Recent polls indicate that The Legion of Doom is composed primarily of boys ages 14-16. Meetings of the Legion involve tutorials on swirlies and sticu s, as well as the occasional passive aggressive tweet-o . One of the guest speakers for the Legion, Chad Browinsky, explains that the primary purpose of bullying is to express one's own insecurities through in icting pain on people who are much smaller than you. The Legion of Doom meets after school twice a week in that sketchy room next to the vending machines, and while the faculty adviser of the group still remains unknown.
New Tim Pawlenty Center for the Humanities Announced (continued)

by not paying teachers as much. Also, no questions will save time so teachers can cram as much into the daily curriculum as possible. According to Pawlenty, ever since he visited Blake in March of 2012 he felt uneasy about the student body. He stated, I am worried that too many hard questions are being asked by the members of this community. The ideas generated by these students scare me and we need to do something about their radical ideas. With the addition of the no questions element to the curriculum, Pawlenty says, "students will not create new thoughts and not question authority or ideas, but just keep their head down and keep moving. Construction is slated to begin in the summer of 2015 and will be completed by the fall of the 2015-16 school year. The design will feature an auditorium that Pawlenty says, will feature speakers that can help balance out Blakes overwhelmingly liberal curriculum. Former VP Dick Cheney, Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and Eccentric Radio Personality Rush Limbaugh are just a few of the names on the select list of speakers signed up to talk in the new auditorium. Pawlenty believes the new elements of the curriculum will mesh very well with many of the speakers topics.
Mysterious Rock Sightings on Campus

Mysterious Sightings of Rocks Reported On Campus By: Thomas McManus MINNEAPOLIS, MN - Over the course of these past few weeks, many students have reported strange sightings of an unknown object around campus. From the various sightings, experts believe that this mysterious object may be of the rock family. We caught up with several of the students who claimed to have witnessed this rock. One, still visibly shaken remarked, Yeah..it was a rock While another remarked Its just a rock man. Likely story. Subsequent to gathering all the evidence and looking at the clues, the experts at Gazette decided to pay a visit to
Gazround Blake Changes to Grades

By: Natcher Pruett Recently, fearless reporters for the esteemed publication which is Mr. Gazette uncovered a plan to auction o naming rights for the Blake School of Excellence. Unfortunately, the veracity of those reports is debatable as students still trudge through the doors of the Blake School of Excellence instead of marching proudly, capitalist arms jauntily swinging, through the entryway to the Apple, Inc. School of Excellence. Fear notnothing stops Gazette reporters, not even being hopelessly, incredibly, mind-bogglingly wrong. Today, Gazette can exclusively report, based on crayon scribblings found on the back of recycled napkins stained with the juices of exotic diverse cuisine by a survivor of two weeks at the Blake School of Excellence and his best friend, Adolf Lucifer Saddam Satan Bin Laden of the Breck School of Mediocrity and Anti-Patriotism, that the Blake School plans to abolish its current grading system and implement a replacement system, to be implemented tomorrow, which will push the school into the modern age. After an extensive survey conducted by several monkeys, a chimpanzee, and a shark, the Blake School has decided to grade students based on the college they ultimately attend, explains the note on the napkin. A handwriting analysis conducted by a Sherlock Holmes wannabe indicates that the note was written by a 67-year old Caucasian male who sleeps in a bed made of money. A school spokesperson also reminded Gazette to note, in the spirit of objective journalistic fairness, that an expert agreed to endorse the new grading system while being paid zero American dollars, though underground whisperings of this expert being compensated in the form of Swiss bank accounts, adult reading material, debatably legal recreational materials and cafeteria food with an exotic edge abound. Under the new system, which administrators claim will increase alumni salaries, student competition and stress while curbing harmful things such as cooperation, personal identity and student happiness, students will be awarded the equivalent of an A for getting into Harvard, Yale, Princeton, MIT or Stanford. Admission to other Ivy League schools results in an A-. Other top universities and the top three liberal arts colleges results in a B+. A full list of colleges and their associated grade will be uploaded to the Blake website. Imagine, says the napkin, a school where nobody worries about grades, a small, cutthroat community considerably smaller than the current Blake school, mostly because thrifty souls quietly eliminated their classmates to increase their chances of admission. A school where personalized attention from the faculty is guaranteed because students desperately crave the best recommendations. A school with an average SAT score of 2400 and an average ACT score of 36. A school where students graduate considerably in debt from all the test prep courses they completed. Reports indicate that under the new grading system, college will still be a match to be made instead of a prize to be won, though if you care about your future, your success or yourself you'll have your eyes on the prize.
3) All children suspected of possessing a backpack are required to show proper U.S citizenship identi cation, and are to be subjected to random searches. We need to know who has a backpack and who doesn't. 4) If you even so much as pass through the dining hall with a backpack, said backpack will be con scated. In order to get it back youll need to wait the 3+ hours the security sta needs to conduct a thorough sack-search for the extra desserts you probably stole. Youre not entitled to that crap; the $1500 you pay annually for food doesnt mean jack. 5) If you have more than three items on your person during school hours you will be considered an honorary backpack and will held in the custody of the security o ce. You will not be permitted to leave the o ce until you either pay the ne of $9.44 (only exact change accepted) or beat Safari Steve in a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos. 6) Lastly, if you witness anybody violate these expectations, you have the obligation to perform a students arrest on that lawless son of a Labrador and kick his ungodly accessory into next Thursday. Seriously, it doesnt matter if its Mother Theresa who just happened to place her purse on the ground next to her as she bends over to tie her shoe; as soon as that short, altruistic role models bag touches the ground, it has entered No Mans Land. The current policy and overall backpack apathy is threatening our schools safety and sense of order and control. I have already faxed a copy of this new policy to Governor Dayton and, although he is very busy with the current debates discussing snowplow techniques and how to avoid di cult questions, he has assured me he will see to it that this policy is drafted by mid-october.
New Handicap Ramp Installed

By: Adam Denoyer
The Otis Courtyard is Just as Accesible as it was Before!

After a year long social action project by students, the Blake School has installed a handicap entrance ramp on the stairs from the outdoor dining area to the Otis Courtyard. They held a poorly publicized opening for the ramp where Ms. Graybeal stated We hope to make our school more accessible to all. We dont want to exclude anyone on any basis, disability, gender, or race. I believe that this ramp will extend a handrail out to all and help equalize the school. No more will little disabled children sit at the bottom of the stairs and dream of the time that they too could join their peers in the Otis Courtyard. Now all the children of the school can join hands and sing in the Otis courtyard and view each other not as the abled and the disabled, but as equals. She punctuated the nal sentence by breaking a bottle over the ramp, which was constructed of an old folding table lain over the staircase, promptly breaking both the bottle and ramp. Many said it was the most inspiring speech they had ever heard from a Blake O cial, and one onlooker said it would have been the most meaningful addition the school has ever built, had the ramp not broken. After thinking for a moment they added it was still very satisfying. We hope to see more additions of a sturdier nature very soon, and have word from the school that they are working on new blueprints for a durable plastic replacement table.
These Dang Liberal Backpack Policies (continued)

who needed a little extra cash to buy a six-pack of Pabst Blue-Ribbon and seven pairs of non-Apple issued iPod headphones (its a sound quality thing, okay?), I wouldnt be able to sleep at night. So, in order to diminish any possibility of some American Spirit smoking hooligan jacking your stu , I would like to propose a new policy: It has six main points: 1) Backpacks are never allowed in public spaces. Ever. If its seen, its going in the shredding machine; you cant steal a backpack that doesnt exist. 2) If you have a backpack on your person at any time after 3:00 pm you are to be questioned under the suspicion of being an accessory to theft. Who knows who you kids are in cahoots with?
Gazround Blake
Faculty "Fight Club" exposed in underground depths of under construction Science Wing
By: Jonah Sandy "I was just looking for the gender neutral bathroom," recalled Blake freshman Yooga Pantzs '17. Last Tuesday, Pantzs unwittingly found herself in the school's science wing under construction, underneath the barren remains of the [o cial name of ] Library. An abandoned copy of the groundbreaking teen novel "The Perks of Being a Wall ower" fell upon her head from above, a haunting reminder of the space's former purpose. Her purple studded glasses were knocked from her face. As Pantzs felt around on the dirty concrete oor for her glasses, she fell through what seems to be a hidden passageway and stumbled upon a cult-like meeting between members of the Blake faculty, a meeting that quickly turned violent. "I have really bad vision and I didn't have my glasses, so I couldn't see who they were. But I could hear them." Pantzs recalls hearing a man breathing heavily. "He said something about them hating their jobs and not getting paid enough by the school and starting some kind of revolution. Then I heard male and female voices cheering, and then the punches started." As she watched from a dark corner of the small room she had unintentionally discovered, illuminated by only one lightbulb hanging from the ceiling, Pantzs could make out the gures of two middle aged shirtless men brutally punching and kicking each other for about twenty minutes until one man nally surrendered. When she found her way back into the school, students gasped at the blood that had soaked her yellow blouse, purchased only days earlier in celebration of the lovely spring weather. Now, the joy she once found in life had been emotionally stained by something horri c, only physically represented by the irreparable damage done to her Forever 21 garment. She immediately ran to Anne Graybeal's o ce to report what she had seen. "I was really ustered at rst. Just kind of pissed o that I'd lost my glasses, but I'm actually ne now," said Pantzs. "Really." But her eyes, darting around the room as if expecting some phantasmagoric reincarnation of the horrors she witnessed in the construction wing, tell otherwise. "How long is this interview supposed to last?" she asks, hauntingly. School o cials are currently investigating this disturbing discovery. It seems the perpetrators of this heinous, depraved means of recreation have abandoned their enterprise, leaving behind only bloodstains and a small pile of burnt essays and grade reports. As for Pantzs, a formerly innocent, yellow-blouse-wearing, glasses-wearing girl, it appears that she has lost an innocent view of the world and a trust in the adults in her life, something she will never get back. "Stop putting words in my mouth," Pantzs pleaded, clearly seeing visions of sts against the cracking jaws of the men and women she knew to formerly be her teachers. "I don't want this article to make me seem like I'm traumatized or something." A wrinkled forehead of feigned annoyance masks the all-consuming fear that now de nes her very existence as she gets up and leaves, her yoga pants a shade of black as dark as her corrupted soul.
at the Blake School, such as Harvard, Yale, Dartmouth and Athena, goddess of wisdom and being cool. Were thrilled to announce that Mr. Gazette is going to sponsor the Daniel Weiser Award for Creativity in Assembly Speeches, said a spokesperson for the newspaper. Though Mr. Weiser is not a member of the paper, we applaud his inventive preamble to the speech and are pleased to announce this award for the student speaker in the Psychology of Communications Course who manages to irritate school o cials the most with their speech. While an earlier version of the award was for the student who managed to obtain the highest score in Doodle Jump with ve hundred captive souls in the Juliet Nelson Auditorium looking on, impatiently wondering when or if they would miss a platform, jump into a monster, be abducted by a UFO or sucked up by a black hole, the new award will recognize people who make assembly more than something to nap through. Were hoping this really spices things up every Tuesday and Thursday morning, said a newspaper spokesperson. Proposed ideas for winning the soon-to-be-coveted Weiser Award include giving a speech in a combination of Latin and Klingon, delivering a speech composed entirely of a lengthy sexual metaphor, writing a speech composed entirely of quotes from the American Promise US History textbook, removing all of ones clothing in front of the auditorium, explaining how best to obtain illegal substances, or just at-out blowing stu up. We dont even care if what you do is legal! said the newspaper. We really want this to be an award anybody can win! The Daniel Weiser Award will be given out starting in the 2013-2014 school year in a private ceremony in the middle of Kenwood Avenue. If the winner is deceased (irritating the school o cials to the point of homicidal rage wont diminish your chances of winning), plan on wearing all black. Candles will be provided.
Man in Duluth Robs Bank by asking "Can I have some money please? If its alright with you that is... I mean you dont have to but Id really appreciate it ya know?"
By Thomas McManus Duluth - MN, Local Minnesotan successfully robs Pioneer National Bank of Duluth by waiting in line and asking politely for 12 million dollars. Locals were shocked for a while, then got over it. On his way out, the o ender bumped into one of the other customers, they both said sorry. Police are still searching for the bank robber at large. Witnesses described his appearance as a tall, lanky, blonde, blue eyed man with bad posture and socially awkward but polite demeanor. Pioneer Banks Duluth branch manager insisted that oh no, its ne, when questioned about whether or not he planned to press charges against the polite delinquent. Local law enforcement is ba ed as to why no one at the bank intervened to stop this criminal at large. When questioned some of the witnesses responded oh, well he seemed nice enough, ooh, maybe he was going through a hard time, and oooh, I was just minding my own business. Duluth police asked to issue this following statement: We at the Police Department in Duluth would like to reiterate the age old security proverb: If you see something, say something. Not just a snide comment to your neighbor, SAY SOMETHING TO THE POLICE YOU PASSIVE MINNESOTANS...please. Were sorry for raising our voices. Similar events have been taking place all across greater minnesota, with almost identical heists occurring in Hibbing, Winona, and Chaska. It unclear whether these crimes are linked as all of the witness descriptions have been vague and identical. If you have any information about these crimes call 612-867-5309, ask for Frank.
New Student Award Proposed

By: Natcher Pruett According to an o cial press released taped up next to the make-out corner in the freshman lounge, student newspaper and esteemed publication Mr. Gazette, better known as the Gaz, better known as way better than that stupid Spectrum, is going to make its mark among the various institutions that sponsor o cial awards given
Gazround Blake
City Changes its mind on road from Kenwood Pkwy. to Dunwoody Blvd.
By: Charlie Haakenson The City of Minneapolis Transportation Department has decided to re-work the road that stretches between Parade Stadium and Parade Ice Garden. The road allows tra c from Kenwood and East Isles to connect to 394 west. Many Blake students use this road to get onto 394 to get to the middle school. The construction that occurred in October and November attempted to perfect the previously deteriorating road, however, Transportation Department spokesperson Gilbert Johnson says that the department is not satis ed with their work. Although speci c plans have yet to be developed, construction is to begin this June and stretch as late as Janurary. While it will be inconvenient, I can see why it needs to be done says Blake student Blake Burgson I think that the changes they are making will improve the road even more now! Even though it will take a few more months, I hope it goes quickly, I have hockey practice! Burgsons opinion seems to be a shared one throughout the Blake campus. Blake students and faculty are the main users of this road during the week and have caused most of the damage to the previous road and parking lot. The parking lot, which used to be exclusively used by Blake seniors, was removed for the most recent upgrading. The city has not commented on the parking lot being stolen from the deserving Blake seniors. When asked about returning a parking lot in that area, Johnson said that he did not want to rule anything out. A Benilde St. Margaret graduate, Johnson seems familiar with the notion of senior priority. When I was in highschool the seniors had the best parking spots and lunch tables. The nal plans for the re-renovated road and parking lot have yet to be exposed to the public, but be assured that Mr. Johnson is on the right side of this issue, the deserving, side.
Horoscopes
By Thomas McManus Aries (3/214/19): You're looking at a year of opportunities and challenges, and it's up to you to be smart about it. The Dragon brings luck, and Water favors the Rooster. Marry a Boar, avoid the Ox. Taurus (4/20-5/20): Gemini (5/21-6/20): You cant go more than a few days without drinking water. Youre a superhero. Use this power wisely. Cancer (6/21-7/22): You should probably get an MRI, you may have an enlarged prostate. An enlarged prostate can signi cantly decrease urine ow and overall quality of life. Who wants that? Leo (7/23-8/22): 9/10 dentists recommend Crest. Pisces (2/19-3/20): Your sign is a sh and thats hilarious. Why dont you go for a swim shy? huh shy shy shy? Go breath more water. Stupid sh. Virgo (8/23-9/22): Happy Birthday. Libra (9/23-10/22): Youre really unpleasant to spend time with and your dog doesnt love you. Also you smell. Take a shower.
Scorpio (10/23-11/21): Your lucky variables are; x,r,k, and sometimes y Sagittarius (11/22-12/21): Dig a hole in your yard, bury the right hand of a homeless man, a 1933 baseball card, the phlegm of a diabetic Koi sh and a copy of cosmo. Wait 3-5 business days, and ta-daa you are now immortal. Capricorn (12/22-1/19): Dream and your life is a garden, live and your dreams are a Haven Aquarius (1/20-2/18): Shut up Capricorn.
Joe Mauer Tears his BLT

By: Joe Anderson During the Minnesota Twins May 23rd game at Detroit, Joe Maurer injured his knee and was unable to walk o the eld unassisted. He was escorted o the eld to Charity Heart General Hospital with an injured knee. Twins manager Ron Gardenhire spoke at a press conference after the game stating, We believe Joe injured his BiLateral Tendon (or BLT) when he stood up to throw the ball back to the pitcher.
Local News Big Ass Glacier Headed Towards Minneapolis

By: Twerk Mayne MINNEAPOLISJust a month after the long Winter drew to a close, a glacier was discovered about 11 miles outside the city of Minneapolis. Authorities were astonished to nd that no one had seen the glacier arrive. Researchers were puzzled trying to nd where this glacier came from and how it moved in so quickly.
The glacier as seen from google maps. Glaci Ernest, a local glaciologist stated, The glacier is about 500 square miles in size and about 185 meters tall. The glacier will bulldoze anything in its path and will leave a massive trail of destruction wherever it goes. Mayor RT Rybak denied federal assistance and told President Obama to, Duck o and that, [Minneapolis] has this under control. Glaciologists say there is no way to stop the glacier from destroying the city of Edina. A professor of Glaciology at the University of Minnesota took a di erent approach to the issue stating, We should let the City of Edina be destroyed, its just a worse Wayzata. Some have blamed the appearance of the glacier on the recent landmark gay rights legislation passed by the state legislature. In a press conference hosted by Michelle Bachmann at the nations capitol building she stated, I believe the appearance of this glacier is God voicing his outrage about the legalization of gay marriage in Minnesota. Experts have not found any evidence to suggest the glacier is of supernatural origin. To make matters worse, the glacier is moving very fast. Dr. Curtice Bergson, head of the University of Manitoba School of Glaciology stated, After viewing the [satellite] images, I estimate the Glacier is moving at about 1900 feet per day. That speed would put the glacier in downtown Minneapolis in less than a month. A page was created on facebook by a Breck Middle School student in need of attention called, I will melt the glacier if I get 1 million likes. He has not provided a plan for melting the glacier but insists he will be able to do it Evacuations of areas directly in the glaciers projected path are beginning. However, in Minneapolis, mayor RT Rybak ordered citizens not to evacuate stating, Were gonna melt this bitch. He did not provide any insight on how he planned to melt the big ass glacier, but maintained that it would not reach Minneapolis.
Twins Catcher Joe Mauer Doctors at Charity Heart General Hospital con rmed the teams worries later in the evening that Joe indeed tore his BLT. Dr. Gregory House con rmed the diagnosis, After an MRI we have determined that Joe Mauer tore his BLT and his WTF in the game today. Dr. House went on to say that Mauer will not be able to return to baseball for at least 10 weeks. Saying, He must remain o his BLT and WTF for at least 8 weeks and will need 2 weeks of rehab so his BLT and WTF can be fully recovered when he returns to the eld. The injury to the two major ligaments in his right leg opens Joe up to all sorts of other complications such as TMZ, ADD and AT&T tears. The surgery also has a lot of potential complications as it requires a graft from his DTF from his left knee. Ron Gardenhire asked that everyone keep Joe in their thoughts and prayers as he goes into recovery. Joe says he hopes to be back as soon as possible so he can lead to Twins to another mediocre season.
Childs Feet Violently Removed During the Night

By: Charlie Haakenson For Luke Matheson, it was a nightmare come true. Last Thursday, Sheri and Phillip Matheson woke up to the screams of their son. Lukes Feet were removed while he slept by something that is believed to have come from undr his bed. Luke says he felt a slight tingle at his feet as he fell asleep with his feet exposed, out from under the blanket. When Asked why he was sleeping with his feet exposed, Luke stated, It was warm and i stuck my feet out from under my sheets and I guess my feet were hanging a little bit o the bed. I never leave my feet hanging o the side of the bed because Im always scared that something is going to happen when Im sleeping. It was just that one time. Police o cials say that this is crime becomes more common in mid Spring as the days become warm, but people have yet to change from their winter sheets to their Summer sheets. They warn all kids to keep their feet under the covers at all times even if they are really, really hot. Investigators suspect that the assailant saw Lukes exposed feet and then quickly removed them. With what the victim described as the speed of a lukewarm Leopard, he stole out the window with his ill gotten gains. The assailant has yet to be caught, and the police advise all parents to make sure the sheets of their childrens beds are tucked underneath the mattress so kids cant stick their feet out from the covers.
War on Christmas Wages On

By: Tim Dooley
Politics
Karl Rove Goes to Canada for Second Heart TransplantAdmits the Canadian Healthcare system is Better than the United States
By: Joe Anderson When the time came around for Karl Rove to decide where to go for his second heart transplant, he didnt pick the Mayo Clinic or anywhere in the United States for that matter. He went to Canada for his operation. When asked why, he cited the a ordability and the service provided by the Canadian healthcare system. At a press conference Karl Rove held, two weeks after his surgery, he complimented the Canadian healthcare system on its a ordability and excellent service, stating, I only paid $9,000 for my heart transplant that would have cost $63,000 in the US! Rove admitted that having everyone pay into one large government controlled fund was extremely e ective because it lowers the overall cost for people and gets everyone medical treatment. Rove held strong on the point that a progressive healthcare system would not work in the US because, there are too many unhealthy people who need a heart transplant because of the unhealthy lifestyles they lead, stated Rove. As the Republicans continue to attempt to repeal the A ordable Care Act and Democrats continue push for equal access to healthcare, Rove stands alone in his acknowledgment of the Canadian systems success. We can only hope that someday, more policy makers will see the light, just like Rove.
Victorious Soldiers of Merced raise a Christmas Tree in the town square. Washington - DC, With no end in sight, the war on Christmas continues to ravage the globe, and more importantly, America. Casualties have risen steeply since the war began in 2009 when Rhode Island Governor Lincoln The Grinch Chafee changed the name of the Christmas tree in the capital to the holiday tree, leaving 15 dead, and 22 wounded. Total casualties: 36. In response, General OReilly released a statement saying, This is a di cult ght, but we must hold fast. This is not the rst time Christmas has been attacked, how could we ever forget the time kidnapping babies for nativity scenes was deemed illegal? We must do everything in our power to keep our enemy from taking Christ out of Christmas. The General went on to use the historical example of when the Grinch Stole Christmas to remind people what the country is up against and how to prevent further losses, stating grimly: There are only so many whos in whoville. One large victory occurred in the small town of Merced, California. O cials against Christmas launched a covert operation to change the name of the towns parade from the Merced Christmas Parade to the Merced Community Holiday Parade. The towns people began a guerilla counter insurgency, exactly resembling Macaulay Culkins techniques at the end of Home Alone. A grueling battle nally lead to a victory for the people of Merced. A local photographer captured the victory, as soldiers hoisted their tree into the air above the rubble, marking their momentous triumph. Santas elves staged an operation to spread Christmas propaganda in cities like Portland, Oregon, and Seattle, Washington by air dropping copies of Chipmunks Christmas albums and A Charlie Brown Christmas. At rst, many believed the operation was a success but then learned most people were only enjoying these things ironically. The most recent event in the War on Christmas occurred on December 25th, 2012. Santa and his eet of reindeer came under heavy re during a routine air supply mission, and were unable to provide the little boys and girls with toys. General OReilly reassured them by reminding the little girls and boys that no one gets any free handouts.
For Being Against VERSUS: Anne Stavney vs. Thomas McManus

Mrs. Anne Stavney, Blake Head of School: Anne Stavney is the commander and chief of the all K-12 years of the Blake school. Whenever parents complain about you to the school, she is the one that protects you from their wrath. Picking up where Gulla left o , she plans to lead Blake ever onward into glory, and maybe, grow a sweet beard. Dr. Stavney was born in Seattle Washington where, from an early age, she was taught forbidden magic from the rain sages in the mountains. Shortly after her eleventh birthday, Dr. Stavney was accepted to Hogwarts, where she excelled in all her classes and later went on to become headmaster. Her mastery of both forbidden rain magic, and more traditional English witchcraft makes her the ideal candidate for not only Head of Blake, but leader of the Blake chapter of the Order of the Phoenix if the Dark Lord Cyrus Northrop ever returns. Pros: -PhD. -Uses words high schoolers can understand. -Gets paid. Cons: -Only has 10 ngers. -Last name hard to pronounce on the rst try. -Probably couldn't wrestle a bear. -Fixed Mindset -Cant count to ten. Mr. Thomas McManus, Senior Class President:
Thomas McManus is the guy that wont stop giving speeches all the time. He, along with forum Co-Chair Blaine Crawford, are the leaders of the free world, and in charge of all the major decisions that are made in America. In addition, he is best friends with Dion and always knows where he is. (No he doesnt, he never does, stop asking him). Thomas was born and raised in Minneapolis Minnesota where he did next to nothing for the majority of his life. His favorite shows to watch as a kid were Spongebob, Xaolin Showdown and Codename Kids Next Door, all of which contributed more to his development than his 12 years at Blake. He is well versed in David Bowie and Nirvana lyrics and will sing them for you if you ask him. He loves to preform and thinks he is a lot funnier than he really is, but that doesnt stop him from being socially inappropriate in public settings. Pros: -Mom thinks hes handsome. -Makes $500,000 a year. -Has a level 100 Dragonite. Cons: -Really Sweaty
The Use of Drones in America: Why We Must Act

By: Chewbacca GRRRR-GGRRR GRRRRRRR GGGRRR RRRRGGGGGG? RRRGGRRG GGGRRRRRR RRRRRRGGGR RRGGGGRGRGRGRGRRR GRGRGRGRR? GRRRRRGGGG GRGRGRGRGRGRGG GGRGRTGGRGG? RRRRGRGRGRGRRGR RRRRRRGGGGR GGGRGGGRGRGGRGRGRRRRRRRGG GRRRR-GGRRR. GRRRRRRR GGGRRR RRRRGGGGGG RRRGGRRG GGGRRRRRRRRRRRR. GGGGRRRGGGRRR GGGRRRGGGGRGRGR GRGRRRGRGRGRGRR? GRRRRRGGGG GRGRGRGRGRGRGG GGRGRTGGRGG. RRRRGRGRGRGRRGR RRRRRRGGGGR GGGRGGGRGRGGRGRGRRRRRRRGG GRRRR-GGRRR GRRRRRRR GGGRRR RRRRGGGGGG; RRRGGRRG GGGRRRRRRRRR RRRGGGR RRGGGGRGRGRGRG RRRGRGRGRGRR. GRRRRRGGGG GRGRGRGRGRGRGG GGRGRTGGRGG, RRRRGRGRGRGRRGR RRRRRRGGGGR GGGRGGGRGRG. GRGRGRRRRRRRGG GRRRR-GGRRR GRRRRRRR GGGRRR RRRRGGGGGG RRRGGRRG. GGGRRRRRRRRR RRRGGGRRRGGGGRG RGRGRGRRRGRGRGRGRRGRRRRRGGGG GRGRGRGRGRGRGG GGRGRTGGRGG RRRRGRGRGRGRRGR RRRRRRGGGGR GG; GRRRRR GRRRR GGRRRRGG GRGGGRGRGGRGRGRRRRRRRGG GRRRR-GGRRR GRRRRRRR GGGRRR RRRRGGGGGG RRRGGRRG GGGRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGRRRGGGGRGR, GRGRGRRRGRGRGRGRR GRRRRRGGGG. GRGRGRGRGRGRGG GGRGRTGGRGG RRRRGRGRGRGRRGR RRRRRRGGGGR GGGRGGGRGRGGRGRGRRRRRRRGG GRRRR-GGRRR GRRRR.RRR GGGRRR RRRRGGGGGG RRRGGRRG GGGRRRRRR RRRRRRGGGRRRGG GGRGRGRGRGRRRGRGRGRGRRGRRRRRGGGG (GRGRGRGRGRGRGG GGRGRTGGRGG) RRRRGRGRGRGRRGR RRRRRRGGGGR GGGRGGGRGRGGRGRGRRRRRRRGG GRRRR-GGRRR GRRRRRRR GGGRRR RRRRGGGGGG RRRGGRRG GGGRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGRRRG: GGGRGRGRGRGRRRGRGRGRGRR GRRRRRGGGG GRGRGRGRGRGRGG GGRGRTGGRGG RRRRGRGRGRGRRGR RRRRRRGGGGR. GGGRGGGRGRGGRGRGRRRRRRRGG GRRRR-GGRRR GRRRRRRR GGGRRR RRRRGGGGGG RRRGGRRG GGGRRRRRRRRR RRRGGGRRRGGGGRGRGRGRGRRRG RGRGRGRR GRRRRRGGGG GRGRGRGRGRGRGG GGRGRTGGRGG RRRRGRGRGRGRRGR RRRRRRGGGGR GGGRGGGRGRGGRGRGRRRRRRRGG GRRRR-GGRRR GRRRRRRR GGGRRR, RRRRGGGGGG RRRGGRRG. GGGRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGRRRGG GGRGRGRGRGRRRGRGRGRGRR GRRRRRGGGG GRGRGRGRGRGRGG GGRGRTGGRGG RRRRGRGRGRGRRGR RRRRRRGGGGR GGGRGGGRGRGGRGRGRRRRRRRGG GRRRR-GGRRR GRRRRRRR GGGRRR RRRRGGGGGG RRRGGRRG, GGGRRRRRRRRRRRR GGRRRGGGGRGRGRG. RGRRRGRGRG RGRR GRRRRRGGGG GRGRGRGRGRGRGG GGRGRTGGRGG RRRRGRGRGRGRRGR RRRRRRGGGGR GGGRGGGRGRGGRGRGRRRRRRRGG. See The Enticing Argument Continue on the Next Page!
For Being Against For and Against: The Gay Marriage Debate
AGAINST: By: Tom Maude-Gri n
FOR: By: Thomas McManus Gay marriage has always been a heated topic of debate in Minnesota. Plenty of us at Blake, and all across the greater Twin Cities, have family members that are met with a few times a year during the holiday season who are vehemently against the idea of fellows marrying dudes, and dames marrying chicks. This makes for some super uncomfortable family reunion dinners, especially if your sister is lesbian, not that I would know or anything. Im sure there is also a small number of students attending Blake who are against the idea of bros marrying lads, but are rendered a silent minority because of Blakes liberal slant. This article is dedicated to those people: to the naysayers and the poo-pooers of equal rights, to the righteous and the heathens. To those people I would like to say: Its all good baby baby. In order to convince the strapping youth of the Blake School of the advantages of gay marriage, Id like to create an unbiased list of pros and cons of the new marriage equality passing. Pros: Straight people can get gay married now. Church choirs can nally get rid of those AWFUL robes. Equality or whatever Cons: More obnoxious gay pride parade this year. Westboro protest imminent. Rainbows arent just rainbows anymore :( With the passing of the Minnesota Marriage Equality Bill, the number of gay marriage invitations many of us will be receiving is imminent. I can already feel my metrosexual side becoming more and more feminine, ive started playing sports less and Ricky Martin is becoming more and more attractive to me. Each morning Im awoken by a rainbow shining through my window and two unicorns named Stephen and David Bowie waxing my legs for me. Oh, wait, no thats not true at all, thats the synopsis for this homosexual dystopia novel Ive been writing, my life hasnt changed at all. Yours probably wont either, unless youre gay, then you can get married and stu , which is pretty cool. But otherwise youll just go back to your normal daily routines. My main argument for gay marriage is how little it will a ect its opponents lives. If you are against the bill, just wait, I think youll probably stop giving a sheet.
One of the most pressing issues in the Media today is the legalization of not-marriage marriage, and with increasing numbers of youth coming out in support of such an emotional cause, I feel obligated to express the often silenced counter-arguments. First, legalizing not-marriage marriage would give people rights, and that is bad. There is only so much of the American dream apple pie to go around, and giving more rights to more people means it makes straight people less specialnext thing you know, homeless people will not have to be homeless anymore and then my home that I worked years to own just will not mean anything. Second, legalizing not-marriage marriage would destroy the traditional concept of marriage completely by making marriage between two people about love. Marriage started as an proprietary institution, and we intend to keep it that way. If marriage was allowed between two men, then marriage would forever cease to be about the contractual, and more importantly, consensual (for the men involved) possession of women. Third, if gay marriage was legalized, I would have to go back to my pray-the-gay-away camp. Fourth, the fact that gay marriage is illegal is completely unconstitutional, and that is good. You know what else is unconstitutional? Prayer in schools. Teaching kids about Genesis and making this thing called evolution illegal to talk about. If we ever want to move towards One nation, under God we need to stop paying attention to the constitution entirely, and just force our religious beliefs on others one by onegays being a prime target. Fifth, making gay marriage legal codi es a sin as acceptable in the American legal system. It may be a little sin comparable to wearing clothing made out of two di erent materials, but a sin is a sin is a sinand since we have already gotten rid of public stonings and God wont give us another great ood in San Francisco, we cannot ever let go of this last bastion of hopemaking things we dont like illegal for other people. Besides, other sins are never validated through governmental discourse, killing Iraqis and other people in the War on Terror isnt disobeying the second amendment, its ghting for Jesus, and Wall Street executives sadistically ruining poor American lives for another billion dollars isnt stealing, I mean, no one has been arrested for it, have they?
Drones: The Counter-Argument

By: Pikachu Pika pika pika? Pikachu, pika pika pi, chu? Pikachu pika pika Pikachu. Pika pi-ka-chu Pika pi. Pika pika pi, chu-chu pika Pikachu, pika pi. Pikachu pika pika pika, chu? Pika pika pika, kachu? Chu, Pika kachu chuch Pikachu, pika pika pi, pika pi, pika chu, chu pika. Pii Pipi'pi chuuu, pika-pi pika-pika-pii-chu pi-i pika-pika-pi kachu Pikachu pi pika-chu chu Pipi. Chu Chu pi, Pikachu, pi-kachu, pikaaa. Chu pika pika pi, Pikachu, chu-chu Pikachu. Pikachu, pika pika pika. Pika pi? Pika pika pi? Chu, Pikachu pika pika pi. Pikachu, pika chu pika kachu pika pika. Pika pika pika pi, chu Pikachu. Pi-kaaachu, pi kaaa ka Pi chu Chu piii pipi kachu Chu Kachu piii piii kachu Chu ka pi-i Pikaa. pikapi pi-i Pikaa ka Chu pi-kaaa-chu Kachu chuuu pi-kaaa-chu. Pika, Pi, chu-pika-chu Pi-i Piikaa ka Kaaa Pi kaa Pika pika-pi. Pika pika pi? Pi? Pikachu. Pikachu Pi piikaa pi-kaaa-chu-chu pi-i kachu pika-pika Pikchu, pi Pi-kaaachu chu pi-i piikachu chuuuu pi Kaa Pikchu pikachu-pi, Kaa chu chuuuu ka chuu pi piikachu Pikachu pi piikaa kachu. Pika-pika pi-pi chu-chu pikachu. Pikachu pi-pi pikachu pi-ka-chu'pi pika pika chu. Pika pika chu pikachu! Pikachu, pika pika kachu pi. Pika pi, pika pika pi, chu. Pikapi-pikapi chu kaa piikachu Piii chu Pi pi-piikachu ka Chu Kachu pi ka-pikachu pi-i-piikachu (chu Pii Kachu-piika-pi pi-i Kaaa chuuuu) Kachu kachu pi-i Chuu piii Pikachu chu Kaa-pika-pika pikachu-piii. Pika-pika pi-pi chu-chu pikachu. Pikachu pi-pi pikachu pi-ka-chu'pi pika pika chu. Pika pika chu pikachu!. Pikachu ka Kachu pii Chuu kachu-pika-pi-ka Pikchu, Pika-chu pi-ka-chu pi Pikachu Pi pi Pikapika pika-chu-ka ka kaa Pikchu pikaa Piikaa. Pikachu Pi piikaa pi-kaaa-chu-chu pi-i kachu pika-pika Pikchu, pi Pi-kaaa-chu chu pi-i piikachu chuuuu pi Kaa Pikchu pikachu-pi, Kaa chu chuuuu ka chuu pi piikachu Pikachu pi piikaa kachu. Pika, pii-piikaa pika-chu pika-pika. kachu-pika-pi, Pii Pika-chu Piikaa Pipi-pikapi kachu piikaa chu Pi,kaa chuu Pikachu pi Pika pi-kaaa-chu Ka pikapi pikachu chu Chuu. PIKA CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Gazstudent Life
Cup Song Epidemic

By: Jonah Sandy
Edina girl cannot stop performing "Cup Song," believes she is Anna Kendrick
EDINA, MN - Local Edina seventh grader Felicia Johnson was recently hospitalized due to rst degree carpal tunnel as a result of a 24 hour cup song binge. This newly emerging epidemic of "Cups Syndrome," as doctors are now calling it, occurs once young girls have watched the lm "Pitch Perfect, and believe themselves to be reincarnations of Anna Kendrick, even though shes not dead, yet. Experts categorize Cups Syndrome as similar to Restless Leg An example of a concentrated, advanced breakout of cup mania. Syndrome but slightly more rhythmic and less sad. Victoria Hurston, Edina mother of Jessie Hurston, said, "[My daughter] broke our vase when she was practicing the Cup Song in the living room. I explicitly told her NOT to practice in the living room! This Ming Vase has been a family heirloom for centuries and held the ashes of 12 generations of Hurstons! " she cried before breaking down in tears and feather dusting the furniture. Daughter Jessie was unable to comment due to her incessant practicing of the Cups Song, which is rarely in tempo. When this reporter ventured into the girl's room with Mr. Hurston, we discovered the young girl sitting in her Lulu Lemons surrounded by all the cups in the house. "Ever since Jessie was a little girl she has always loved singing and performing," said father Harry Hurston. "We want her to be following her passions, but we can't even drink water anymore." The tragic story of Felicia Johnson is not an anomaly. Similar phenomenon is taking place throughout the country, with cup sales up 400% in the last quarter, and kitchenware store heists at an all time high. This Cup Song epidemic is rivaled only by the similar swarms of Bieber fever or malaria, and is at least equally as deadly. They took my cups, states small business owner Dale Daleton, a victim of one of these cup heists I need my cups, he sighs. With the contagion of Cup Syndrome plaguing the country, its important to stay alert and informed. Here are several warning signs that your son or daughter may have caught the cup: 1. Bruises and cuts on palms or ngers. 2. Shattered Glass strewn about their room. 3. Overall decline of interest in social life and academia. 4. Obsessive checking of their facebook videos for likes. 5. Hallucinations or genuine belief that they are Anna Kendrick, or a literal physical cup. Doctors have yet to discover a cure for the cups syndrome apart from amputation, but are happy to announce the discovery that this illness is not as annoying as loudly singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hocky players on strike

By: Natcher Pruett As a solid percentage of the sports-aware civilized world knows, the NHL was on strike earlier this year as negotiations failed to commence between the athletes and the wealthy individuals who own the athletes, metaphorically speaking. The hockey season began in mid January rather than the scheduled October 11th. Inspired by the NHL lockout, no Blake Middle School D Team Hockey is being played either, as evidenced by this lovingly spell-checked letter which was stapled to the door of Blake Athletic Director Nick Rathmann. While no perpetrator has been named, school administration is currently interrogating all middle school students whose ability to spell "cat" can be deemed "suspekt." The letter, in its entirety, is reprinted below: "Deere Blayk Skool: We r rightingg too tel u knot want 2 play teh hokees 4 u if u do not pae us in ca$h. We no are contribushuns 2 yr a etics is verry verrry bigg. U kannot aford 2 loos us. We is strike 3 out. Blayk Midul Skool D Teeem Hokee" Translated into semi-legible English by a trained chimpanzee, the letter reads: "Dear school: Money or no hockey. Yours truly, Middle School D Team Hockey." Translated into readable English by a translator being paid with discarded peanuts, the letter reads: Dear school: Discarded peanuts do not taste good. Yours truly, Unhappy Translator." Translated into readable English by an intrepid reporter frustrated by the succinctness of paid chimpanzees and the stubbornness of poorly paid translators, the letter reads: "Dear Blake School: We are writing to tell you that we do not wish to play hockey for you if you do not pay us in cash. We know our contributions to your athletic o erings are of sizable magnitude. You cannot a ord to lose us. We are on strike, a sentence inexplicably coupled with a nonsensical baseball allusion. Sincerely, Blake Middle School D Team Hockey." When reached for comment, the Blake Middle School D Team Hockey expressed shock that they are not, in fact, the only hockey team that Blake elds, admitting that it suddenly makes sense why they do not get to use the Blake Ice Arena for practice every day. They also expressed wonderment at the concept of the English language, grammar as a whole and the invention of spell check. Then again, the entirety of their interview with Mr. Gazette consisted of a sad, bemused mostly-educated reporter standing bitterly to the side while a squadron of half-grown people in ice skates jumped up and down shouting "D TEAM! D TEAM!" as if those were the only words in the English language they knew. Which was probably the case. A statement from the Blake athletic department revealed that the school has no intention of paying Middle School D Team Hockey to play hockey. Said statement also revealed that said team's contributions to Blake's athletic o erings are minimalistic to nonexistent because, in fact, there is no Middle School D Team Hockey and this entire article was an elaborate practical joke played on Mr. Gazette by Satan-worshipping haters of journalism, liberty, equality and the pursuit of happiness. A full set of corrections for this article will be paid when we feel like it.
Study Finds That Students Who Dont Clean Up Food Are *******
By: Thomas McThomas
Gazstudent Life
CAMBRIDGE, MA - Shocking results from a recent sociology study at Harvard nds that students who leave the lunchroom without putting away their plates are 9-10 times more likely to be a$$holes. At the forefront of this groundbreaking discovery is Dr. Estipid, a prominent child nutritional sociologist, and founder of the National A$$ociation for Understanding A$$holery. At rst we thought that their lack of kinderThis is as graphic as we could get. garten levels of respect was a result of a traumatic upbringing explains Estipid, but this indicates that their underdeveloped social skills are a result of an entitled mindset and unresolved intimacy issues. When questioned further, Estipid stated that "our hypothesis is that these results may also explain the similar phenomenon of people cutting in front of you in line while taking the last chicken tender." So what does this mean for the Blake community? In order to attempt to understand the a$$holish shenanigans, we interviewed several students. I feel so privileged to be at Blake, that the only way I know how to show it is to make people do more work for me, explains one student. While another states: Im great, heres my trash. Clean it up, plebian. You should be thanking me. So the question on the tongues of every kitchen chef and janitor is: What is to be done with a$$holes? Estipid suggests that in order to combat the upward trend of assholery, any food that is left out should be saved and force-fed to the o enders a week later. Logical and empathetic approaches are lost on assholes. Estipid explains, you have to communicate with them in a language they understand, and if that means duct taping them to a chair and force feeding them week old Santa Fe rice bowl then so be it. The future remains unclear, but one thing is for certain,
Blak go$ Zf
By: Sebastian Moller JOHANNESBURG, SA `Right boet, walkin through Blake you see loads of stereotypical boykies an bakvissies youd nd here, but lately it seems as though every ngs turnin zef. From the lms in the bioscope to the graze in the canteen, everybodys startin to look like this: So ek het 'n baie van die ruimte en nie 'n baie te s, so ek gaan net 'n klomp onsin in Afrikaans te skryf. Steve Bico het nie iets verkeerd doen nie. As jy die tyd geneem het om hierdie ligsinnigheid te vertaal, dan moet jy 'n stokperdjie of iets te vind. Gehoorsaam Illuminati. Okay, ek gedoen. Zef-side.
Sarah Legried terrorizes peers

Punk menace Sarah Legried '14 wins "coldest heart,"
By: Jonah Sandy Sarah Legried '14 was recently voted by a majority of her peers as the person with the coldest heart in the Blake Upper School. This class of 2014 superlative generated early buzz with a campaign that got the hashtag #sarah4baddestbitch trending on Twitter. When the Mr. Gazette heard the news of this honor being granted to Legried, a brave journalist approached the junior after her Block 2 AP Spanish class to ask if she would be willing to do an interview. Unfortunately the Minneapolis Police Department has placed a Gag Order on discussing the details of what occurred in the second oor hallway last Thursday, but su ce to say the janitorial sta has since been working double the hours in an attempt to scrub the blood out of the carpeting as soon as possible. Sarah's boyfriend, Ryan Stocking, said, "Please don't publish any of this, you don't know what she is capable of."
shvot cool maan
By:ThomasMcManus
YourSpaceBarAndYou
SpacebarsAreAVitalPartOfAllOurLives.TellMe,When sTheLastTimeYouToldYourSpacebarYouLovedIt.I BetYouCantEvenRemeber.BeforeTheIncidentMy SpaceBarAndIWouldPlayForHoursGooglingAllSorts OfThings.ThatIs,BeforeTheFatefulDayWhenMyLife ChangedForever.TheDayMyLifeBecameAHashtag. EverSoInnocently,IWasDrinkingFantaByMyComputerEnjoyingRobertRobinsonsLatestSingle, WhenSuddenlyIDerped.FantaWasEveryWhereAnd MyLifeWasInShambles.NowNeitherMySpacebarOr DeleteKeyWork.IDontKnowWhereToGoAnymore.I CanOnlyGoogleOneWordPhrasesThatICanSpell RightTheFirstTime.DoYouKnowHowHardItIsToSpell GastroIntestinalAccoutrementsOnTheFirstTry?Reall yHard,Reader,ReallyHard.ImAShellOfWhatIUsedToB e.ICantGoToTrockman.ICanBarelyStandToLookHimI nHisEyes.IfYouKnowHowToFixSpaceBarsCallMe.
Gazumables Georges Furby Jounal Review of the Hoover Wind

Personal experience with the new Furby
By: George Voijta Day 1: Opened my Furby today. It has purple and pink fur. I dont remember why thinking these creatures were so terrifying 14 years ago. They're almost cute. Furby underwent a transformation today, now it's a bit loony. But that's ok. Day 2: Last night my Furby woke me up. Its piercing LED eyes gazed into the depths of my soul chanting: Koh-koh. Koh-koh. I have no Idea what Koh-koh means, but Im sure its nothing. Anyway this morning my Furby met another Furby, they spoke thier strange language of Furbish and I am almost sure I pick up on well Im sure it was nothing Day 3: Okay, so remember how on day 1 I said that my Furby had turned loony? Well its more than just loony, its bat-shit crazy. It follows me everywhere screaming FEED ME FEED ME, but even when I do its never satis ed. Then last night when I woke from my slumber I can swear there were hundreds of Furbies in my room and King Tutalu was giving a speech in Furbish. O yes, I forgot to mention my Furby likes to go by the title King Tutalu. No one believes me, they just said I had a bad dream and that this is the same thing that happened to kids 14 years ago. They dont believe me I have to go to Hasbro tomorrow. Day 4: I dont have much time. Hasbro is a lie. I went to the address they listed on their website. When I entered the o ce building it was just one room with a man in it with a blank stare. I went to ask him a question when he pulled a gun and started shooting at me. I somehow managed to get out of the room, and raced home to nd King Tutalu waiting for me at the door. He asked me where I was (he has picked up English by now) and I told him that I just went for a walk. He knows Im on to him. O god here he comes. Ill write as soon as I can. Day 27: Sorry its been so long since Ive written. So much has happened in so little time. Where to start. The world is at war I guess. Furbies are not toys but robots that were planted into the houses of humans and one by one they sucked the soul out of the people they lived with. They even got Obama, his daughter had purchased a yellow Furby. Hillary now leads the anti-Furby resistance, but our numbers have dropped signi cantly and its hard to tell whose human and who is a mindless vessel for the Furbies. I was nearly one of them. We still dont know what they want or why they are here. But we shall ght. More to come.
Tunnel T-Series UH70105

by: Jack Teizen The new Hoover Wind Tunnel T-Series UH70105 is a marvel in vacuum cleaner technology. It has a sleek design, is easy to use, and is fairly cheap at around $100, which is great for a vacuum cleaner. Special features: -Wind Tunnel technology -Powered hand tool -On-board tool set -Automatic height adjust -Fingertip controls on grip handle -Washable lters -Scu guard bumper Included Tools: -Crevice tool -Upholstery brush -Extension wand, Turbo tool -Dusting brush -Powered hand tool
Pros: This Hoover is very lightweight at 15.7 pounds (which is light for a vacuum) and because of this it is extremely easy to maneuver around your house, apartment, or other living complex. Setup of the vacuum is also fairly easy even though there are so many di erent attachments. This vacuum is bagless meaning that it uses a removable container instead of vacuum bags, this makes it easy to clean and cheap because you do not need to buy extra vacuum bags. This and many other features make this a hot item in the vacuum cleaner world. Cons: The cord connected to the vacuum is pretty short, so it could de nitely be longer. Personal Experience: So I went into a Bed, Bath, and Beyond hoping to buy a new vacuum cleaner as my old one had broken due to many years of use. I talked to an employee and he showed me to the vacuum section. Thats when I saw this beautiful piece of plastic and metal. I immediately bought it and brought it home, hoping to test out the perfection that was this vacuum. I plugged it in, turned it on, and started using it. Now in order to avoid the graphic details all I will say is, one trip to the emergency room and one exorbitant hospital bill later I came back to my house only to nd that the vacuum was broken. Final thoughts: Worst. Vacume. Ever. 1 out of 10 stars.
Filler bear
All hail Cthulu www.Fillerbear.com
I Love War
By: Aaron Potter
Op-Eds Prom Review

By: Joe Anderson and Adam Denoyer
I mean, come on guys, war is great! Perhaps the most important innovation of the entire twentieth century, the microwave, was a result of research on war technology. War is good for developing technologies. Not because it makes stu any better than usual, but because it makes a whole hell of a lot of it, and way faster. When you try and screw up as many times as people did during the Second World War, youre bound to get at least something of worth. And hey, maybe if youre lucky, one of your terrible ideas ends up being marketable to little kids. I dunno if you knew this, but Silly Putty was once the worlds worst rubber substitute. Look, its bouncy and stretchy, and itll never melt! Yeah, okay. Let me know how those Silly Putty tires work out for you. War is also good for people who might not be able to a ord education beyond high school, since joining the armed forces will not only get you income, but later, the government will help pay for college. This has the added bonus of allowing the rich to kill o poor people, which is always good. (Seriously, poor people are always like, wah, I dont have any money and I cant a ord to feed my kids. Get a job! Im already working three! Whatever lady, get out of my way, I need to go get my ve dollar co ee.) Not only that, but war allows us to become better global citizens by teaching us just a little bit of pertinent world geography. Lets be honest, would any of you know that Baghdad is the capital of Iraq if it werent for our ongoing its-not-a-war-even-though-basically-it-is there? And Im pretty sure most of you would think Afghanistan was some sort of blanket if it werent for our con ict there. And lets not forget the most important thing: money. If youre going to ght a war, youre going to need supplies (guns, bullets grave markers) and that creates jobs. Look, Roosevelt, I love you, but to be fair, World War Two did pretty much all the work for you. If the American economy were a sleeping teenager, Roosevelt, then you were the alarm it kinda woke up for, but then went back to sleep anyway, and World War Two was the huge bucket of ice water thrown on its head. Okay, okay, Im up! Geez, mom Now, many would say that war kills people. One Good! We could use the space. There are a lot of people here in the U.S., and cheaper housing costs could help out a lot of people. Two, no. Youre wrong, it doesnt. The only reason penicillin was developed and implemented as a useful drug was because of war. Before World War Two, penicillin was nasty mold juice that killed cells. Afterward, it became a miracle drug that saved many lives besides for people that are allergic to it. Some Swedish magazine that conveniently backs up my point estimates around two hundred million or so. For those of you who arent good at math, two hundred million is like two hundred times a million. Beyond penicillin, lots of medical innovations were brought into wide use through war, things like tourniquets, ligatures amputations. The other bonus of war is that it keeps things interesting for the doctors. Instead of handling a bunch of whiny hypochondriacs back home, they can help with the war e ort. Think about it, every war brings another new and exciting type of weapon, and with that comes another new and exciting type of injury. Imagine how boring it must have been to be a doctor just before guns became common. Oh look, another stab wound. How exhilarating. So we need to get a war going. But Iraq hasnt exactly gone well for us, so well have to look to someone else to start it. Germany is an old favorite, but I dont think theyre feeling too good about the last one. The whole killed fourteen million people thing weighs heavy on the conscience, I guess. Our age-old enemy Russia probably wont be any good either I mean, lets be honest here, we tried for something like fty years to start a war and couldnt manage it, and that was back when we were actually willing to use nukes. I think for a solution to this problem we need to look to Switzerland. Theyve managed to wimp out of basically every war in history; I think its time they showed us why they still deserve to be a country. Put all that money in your banks to use and build some tanks or something worthwhile, Switzerland, because your chocolate wont protect you.
Parking: The parking situation at the Minneapolis club was disappointing to say the least. There was a huge tra c jam on Hennepin Avenue, it took 5 minutes to get just 1 block. The tra c only added to the anxiety of not being able to nd a spot on the rst two oors of the six story parking garage. Also, the Minneapolis Club is situated on the intersection of two one way streets, making access challenging. On top of that, the attendant at the entrance to the parking garage was abrasive and greeted my date and me with a dismissive, park anywhere you want its free, how rude and inconsiderate. I was sorely disappointed and frustrated by the parking at the Minneapolis Club. Mingling: The pre-dining mingling didnt brighten up my night after a tough time parking. It was odd, crowded and uncomfortable. Mingling forces you to talk to many people who you would normally avoid speaking with, or even making eye contact passing in the hallway. There were more needless pictures, handshakes, idle chit chat and awkward interactions between those who had begun dining and those who had not. Also, telling someone they look; sharp, classy, dapper, put together, suave, handsome, or that they clean up well,(as if you look like a bum every other day) means nothing when you tell everyone you see that! Food: If I had known what pig slop they were serving us at the so called Minneapolis Club I wouldve taken the $65 I paid and burned it along with my dreams and family. They had three choices of entrees; Chicken, Steak or Ravioli. None of these were satisfying or remotely lling and left everyone with a strange vibrating sensation in the left side of their tongue. Each plate looked so similar that I am 90% certain they came from the same Play-Doh mold, in fact I wouldnt be surprised if every chef was six years old. The Chicken was dry, the steak was a solid slab of gelatinous fat, and they only served 3 Ravioli to each person, simply not enough to feed a teenager, or even a small dog. The only redeeming quality was the water, it was a 1959 Branqu, a good year, it had a wonderful oaky avor and really quenched every taste bud i had. The ice cubes on the other hand were awful. Its like they pulled them out of a gas station freezer, they melted at least ten seconds too quickly and did not adequately chill my beverage. Dancing: The DJs that they hired were not much older than us and listened to music that is reserved for middle school girls and old people that think they are hip. In fact they were so similar that i started having ashbacks to those awkward dances full of sweaty palms and nervous puke. The dancing itself was droll and uninspired, it seemed without grinding the only motions people could do to release their pent up sexual energy on each other was a combination of random ailing arms and pelvic thrusts. There were no structured moves or choreography. It was simple chaos where everyone would hope they arent making themselves look like idiots and the occasional mosh pit. In the end we had 200 tuxes and 200 dresses with sweat damage and 5 broken noses from elbows to the face.
By: Tom Maude-Gri n
I Am Angry: Quadrennial Rants with Tom Maude-Gri n
Op-Eds
Growth mindsets are really quite a simple concept to understand, just think about it through this simple analogy: Imagine nding yourself sinking fast in a sea of quicksand. If you have a xed mind set, you would simply try and stand in place, realizing that there is not really anything you could hope to do by struggling. If you had a growth mindset, however, you would eat as much from the small bag you packed as possible before you sank into the void--making yourself grow large enough to try and compensate for the gaping void in your life that cant be lled by hard work, success, and trying new things . If youre not getting excellent grades in all your classes, you probably have a xed mindset. Forget the chronic sleep deprivation, hours of study you put in, working a part-time job, and managing the stress of being a teenager (whatever the duck that means)you just need to think about it di erently. As a student, Im really glad to hear this, because the idea had never occurred to me before in the hours and hours of work we doIm not bad at science, I just routinely fail due to my xed mindset-and by xed mindset I mean the belief that di erent peoples brains are biologically con gured di erently to be better or worse at di erent subjectsyou know, factual beliefs. Instead, I should just choose to believe narcissistically that Im ducking Einstein, and that proverbial frown will turn upside down. Lets take another example: diabetes. I dont know why we tolerate such weakness in our society. Theres no such thing as diabetes, just people who cant handle candy and the sweetness of life because their mindset isnt open to it. Same thing with wheel chairs: you need to walk before you can run and cripples clearly are stuck in their ways because we enable their xed mindsets. In fact, given the consistent division throughout history between the elite, growth mindset possessing, successful minority and the poor, unsuccessful majority having xed mindsets, I say its time we growthers build our own society. Though, making a new society is hard, better yet, we could make camps to x those with xed mindsets. In these camps, people would be shown the meaning of having a work ethic through intensive labor, I think a good preliminary title for it would Re-education through labor. Now, what would our society look like without those pesky persons in our way? It would be full of C.E.Os, doctors, engineers, athletes, and political representativesthat is, the only types of success that matter in life. We wouldnt need welfare because everyone would be successful, there would be no manual labor jobs because those would just magically be accomplished by the work ethic of everyone left, no need for health care because no one would ever get sick due to bad decisions, and no need for voting, because everyone would universally agree upon a candidateits almost as if the success of that elite minority is entirely dependent on the lack of success of the majority. Oops, there I go again, believing in facts: your success is entirely made by you and you alone, and any statement saying otherwise needs to be labeled as a xed mindset and thought of as nothing more than nonsense. Id like to end with a piece of advice: If youre still considering a worthless unsuccessful career in the arts, you will fail. But dont worry, theres still time to become enlightened: some of our best leaders were rejected from art school.
Gazinovators The Wonders of Canes

By: Aaron Sharper
It is a vastly unappreciated tool in modern society, but where would we be as a society without canes? Its a grim thought to contemplate, but to understand its importance you must ask yourself: what would old men use to walk/hit children with? What would Bo Peep use to grab Woody in Toy Story? What would Abels twin brother be named? Oswald? Leslie, maybe? And most importantly, what would pimps use to look so damn fresh? Canes are used for stability, as weapons, for fashion, and to pull something close to you when youre just too lazy to get up. With all this in mind, I most ask again, where would we be without canes? With nothing better, to do archeologists have spent decades trying to nd the origins of the cane. The Hebrew word that the word cane derives from, Qana, which means cockroach stomper reveals the original use of canes in the early years of the Egyptian empire as a tool for killing irritable insects. However, due its inability to kill locust during the ten plagues, it was later replaced with the much more practical yswatter. Rather then simply throwing away their canes, Egyptians found that their former bug killers could be used for support when walking or standing for long periods. Thus, the modern cane was born. With such a glorious invention being around for so many years, it is only natural that it would change and evolve with time. In Medieval Europe, the cane would see its use as a weapon. In case of invasion or surprise attacks, kings were able to pull the handle of their cane from the shaft to reveal a small knife or sword. While this form of the cane declined after the invention of the gun, an elderly man by the name of Willard OConnor brought the weaponized cane back into popularity during the 1940s. After years of being too late to get any rice pudding at his nursing home, the 78 year old decided to take matters into his own hands and hide a knife in the handle of his cane. The next day, when the kitchen was serving rice pudding, using his hidden knife, OConnor slit the throat of fellow resident, Harris Donaldson, after he had taken the last bowl of rice pudding. Stealing Donaldsons pudding as he wheezed on the ground, OConnor hobbled out of the nursing home, yelling its all mine. He has not been seen or heard from since. Not long after its creation, the cane began to develop as a fashion accessory. With the option of having the handle made of gold, silver, diamond or anything the owner desired, the appearance of the cane was a clear indicator of the owners wealth. Another variation on the cane, the walking stick, also grew in popularity. Being a di erent style of the cane, the walking stick was almost always made of wood, was much larger and may have had words or pictures carved into it. Used by hippies, mountain men, wizards and other undesirables that help to make up the colorful mosaic that is our world, the walking stick not only gives its user balance and security, but also to convey the message I am smelly, single and am liked by few. Being used by such great men as Moses, Franklin D. Roosevelt, and A Pimp Named Slickback (I suggest you look him up), canes have helped to support those that have supported us, and will gone down in history along with the wheel, sliced bread, Gangnam Style, and democracy as one of humanitys great inventions.
An Indepth Interview With Ben Barry

Interviewer: So Mr. Barry, can I ask you a few questions? Ben: No
Surrealisms
By: A Suitcase
What Does it Mean to be?

A personal Essay by a Fire Hydrant.
By: Natcher Pruett I am that sad re hydrant which stands on Kenwood Parkway and stares wistfully at all the Blake students with my borderline-existent eyes. In the most literal sense of I am possible. As in, this is not a metaphor. But if this is not a metaphor designed to confound the uneducated hordes who will believe literally anything you tell themI have some really good stories about that, just saying, so if you want to make a sad re hydrant less sad, come on by. This is reality. My reality. The reality of a washed-up hunk of metal with red paint fading and peeling o who has an insanely close connection to a whole lot of water thats stored right beneath the ground. Like, a lot of water. A lot a lot a lot a lot of water. So much water you couldnt believe it. Enough water to ll the entire senior parking lot, if that still existed. Just imagine a really tall building made of water. That much water. In short, I have a lot of power. To reiterate: I have a close connection to the water. If you irritate me, I could spray you with water and then your clothes would be ruined and you would be sad. Except not really. I'm not that mean. I am a re hydrant. Again, most literal sense of I am possible. I do nothing except for stand next to the road, get urinated on by pathetic bony dogs and bigger dogs and occasionally confused people, most of whom are male. Occasionally. I stand next to the side of the road, expose myself to the sun, and thats pretty much it. You know what would be awesome? If there was a real re. Then there would be people milling about saying, Hey! Thats a re! We should put it out! And then somebody else would be like, Where are we going to get all that water? Youd need, like, a water skyscraper or something. Do we know any human being with a really deep connection to that much water? And then the other person would be like, No! Do we know any inanimate objects with a really deep connection to that much water? And the other person could say, Theres this really attractive hunk of metal on Kenwood Parkway that I met once Maybe one of those people would even be a super model. That would be cool. Just imagine ames tearing through the roof of some massive buildinglike maybe Blake? thats a pretty big buildingand then people need a re hydrant. And I get used! Wait. I just wished a school to be on re. Probably not the best idea. Thats like saying I wish puppies would be slaughtered or something. Except, oh wait, yeah. Keep in mind: Im a re hydrant. To reiterate: it would be really cool if there was a re. Then all those students who I stare wistfully at would need me. And Id be wantedExcept the students would be on re. Maybe it could be an imaginary re? Like, chemistry class gone wrong, re alarm on, people getting stressed, going, Wheres that re hydrant? Theyd probably like me better if I could actually be helpful. Okay, so clearly, I have issues. After all, I accidentally wished re on innocent students, scholars in the pursuit of the deeper truths of the universe. Now, maybe if I moved across the street from, say, a building full of really attractive telemarketers and it caught on reattractive people
A Case For Wingdings

For years, the proud, honorable, and noble font of Wingdings have su ered persecution at the hands of paper writers and essay composers everywhere. People have delved to such depths as I cant use Wingdings for my English paper, theyre nonsensical! or If I turn my job application in in Wingdings, it will de nitely get rejectedthey just leave a bad impression. Well, as a suitcase I know exactly what it feels like to be dragged through the dirt like Wingdings have. I feel providing a genesis of this great font would help remedy this situation. It all started in 1776 when Buttface McGee came to the font continentalso known as Microsoft Word. Here fonts from everywhere melted in the melting pot of compiling and standardizing into a usable fontbut Wingdings resisted. Wingdings refused to change itself be intelligible to the host software, choosing instead to preserve the intrinsic greatness of the font. The Wingdings began to set up a colony, known colloquially as the the Great Trashpile but even in this safe haven, the Wingdings were not protected from the letter-conforming fonts everywhere. The colony of the Great Trashpilesoon came under attack, brutalized by former-type writer users and English teachers everywhere. I cant take the time to decode thisthats too much work. Well, that is what is necessary to understand the great history of Butts. Cross font understanding relies on a traversal of language barriers in favor of founding an understanding based not on the utility of a letter, but on the quality of a font. If everything were purely based on utility such that every English speaking person could read it immediately upon a glance, we would lose yet another frontier to a culture which demands speed and e ciency in life at any costbut e ciency toward what? The Wingding constitution of the colony clearly elucidates this point:
We realize that our host only begrudgingly accepts our existence, but please understand the value of a symbol doesnt come from its efficiency but its qualiathe thatness of a symbol in and of itself. The beauty of a curve, of shape giving form to meaning must not be crushed for the sake of rushing. Rushing towards a tantalizing end never capable of being met, because a rush towards efficiency without a base in ontology is nothing but tedious existence.
As a suitcase, I am the epitome of functionality without formI have no meaning besides to be lled, used, and then reused. Given thisI would like to form a cross symbol/object relationship, Wingdings representing the ultimate form without functionality. Maybe, given enough time, we can accept extravagance in addition to utility. This has been a case for windings.
Surrealisms School Installs Surrealist Clocks

By: Thomas McManus MINNEAPOLIS - In an e ort to appeal to surrealist students, Blake Arts Chair Christine Saunders spent $4 million to install Persistence of Memory clocks in all the classrooms. Claiming that the e ort will increase Blakes inter-reality communications with parallel universes by 30%. The new clocks will serve not only to make surrealist students feel more welcome, but encourage a new generation of artistic creativity and innovation. This renovation has proved to be a very costly endeavor for the Blake Administration, as Bill Colburn insisted that the project be headed by Salvador Dal himself, claiming it would be academic dishonesty if it were completed by someone other than the original artist. Not only did this require an expensive resurrection, but it involved the costly funding of Mr. Dals mustache wax. When asked about this unconventional move by the Blake School, Dal responded, Sobre todo, estoy confundido. En un momento, yo era muerto. El prximo,, estaba esculpiendo estos relojes. Estoy muy asustado. Por favor enven ayuda", before being forced back to work by Mr. Spector, the understudy and temporary parental guardian of Dal. Not only has this project been an enlightening experience for the students of Blake, but the advice Dal has given the teachers at Blake has proven to be invaluable. Its been a pleasure to work with one of my personal heroes, commented photography/printmaking TA Kevin OMeera, Not so much because of his art, which is great of course, but because he has the ideal mustache. When hes not sculpting painted clocks, Dal spends his time having Mr. Teslow explain to him what Photoshop is, and complaining in Spanish about how much he misses outer space. No one knows what he's referring to. In addition to the clocks, Blake is already in discussion about having an annual Andy Warhol Luncheon to appeal to more pop art oriented students. At this luncheon, only Campbells Tomato Soup, bananas, Coca Cola, and the esh of Marilyn Monroe would be served, all on discordant neon tableware. Several students have voiced opposition to these new artistic changes to the school, claiming that its exponentially harder to know what time it is when all the clocks are melted, and that they would rather not have to eat neon bananas, but the overall reaction to the projects has been supportive.

Mr. Gazette (Spring 2013)

Uploaded by

Document Information

Copyright

Available Formats

Share this document

Share or Embed Document

Sharing Options

Did you find this document useful?

Is this content inappropriate?

Copyright:

Available Formats

Mr. Gazette (Spring 2013)

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

This took us only three years!

By: Maddy Williams

Creation of Legion of Doom Sparks Controversy at Blake

Yeah, were surpised we got this issue together too.

Super Senior Publications

New Handicap Ramp Installed!

These Dang Liberal Backpack Policies By: Sebastian Moller

Tim Pawlenty Center for the Humanities Announced

I am Angry: Tri-Quarterly Rants with Tom - Growth Mindsets

Changes to School Grading Policy

Mr. Gazette The quilted quicker picker upper.

School Name Up For Auction

Issue 1 October 2004

Creation of Legion of Doom Sparks Controversy at Blake (continued)

New Tim Pawlenty Center for the Humanities Announced (continued)

Mysterious Rock Sightings on Campus

Gazround Blake Changes to Grades

Issue 1 October 2004

New Handicap Ramp Installed

The Otis Courtyard is Just as Accesible as it was Before!

These Dang Liberal Backpack Policies (continued)

Mr. Gazette The quilted quicker picker upper.

Issue 1 October 2004

New Student Award Proposed

Mr. Gazette The quilted quicker picker upper.

Issue 1 October 2004

Mr. Gazette The quilted quicker picker upper.

Joe Mauer Tears his BLT

Local News Big Ass Glacier Headed Towards Minneapolis

Issue 1 October 2004

Childs Feet Violently Removed During the Night

Mr. Gazette The quilted quicker picker upper.

War on Christmas Wages On

Issue 1 October 2004

For Being Against VERSUS: Anne Stavney vs. Thomas McManus

Issue 1 October 2004

The Use of Drones in America: Why We Must Act

Mr. Gazette The quilted quicker picker upper.

Issue 1 October 2004

Drones: The Counter-Argument

Mr. Gazette The quilted quicker picker upper.

Issue 1 October 2004

Cup Song Epidemic

Hocky players on strike

Mr. Gazette The quilted quicker picker upper.

Issue 1 October 2004

Sarah Legried terrorizes peers

shvot cool maan

Mr. Gazette The quilted quicker picker upper.

Gazumables Georges Furby Jounal Review of the Hoover Wind

Issue 1 October 2004

Tunnel T-Series UH70105

Mr. Gazette The quilted quicker picker upper.

Op-Eds Prom Review

Issue 1 October 2004

Mr. Gazette The quilted quicker picker upper.

By: Tom Maude-Gri n

I Am Angry: Quadrennial Rants with Tom Maude-Gri n

Issue 1 October 2004

Mr. Gazette The quilted quicker picker upper.

Gazinovators The Wonders of Canes

Issue 1 October 2004

An Indepth Interview With Ben Barry

Mr. Gazette The quilted quicker picker upper.