ETIQUETTE FOR MISTRESSES

by Julie Yap Daza

The 28 golden rules for mistresses: 1. Mistress is not Mrs. Know your place. 2. Even if he tells you he loves you more than his wife, dont let that go to your head. 3. Mistresses should be ready to give up Valentines Day, Christmas Day, New Years Day, Holy Week and his birthday. (thats why mistresses are also called holiday orphans" because of this) 4. Befriend his secretary but avoid all contact with his driver. (Whether he is a company driver or the family driver, the chauffeur is not to be trusted. Family drivers owe their allegiance to whoever pays them their salary and who feeds them the free meals in the kitchen with the other help. In short, they are loyal to the Mrs. more than the Mr.) 5. As tempting as it seems, dont patronize the wifes beauty parlor, jewelry shop, dress shop, or father confessor. 6. Dont call him, wait for him to call. 7. To be seen with him in public once is risky. The second time could be fatal to one of you. The third time is The End for both of you (love is lovelier when its forbidden. Because its forbidden, its supposed to be hidden) 8. Never believe, and never say anything unfriendly about his wife, not even after he recites a litany of her faults. 9. Mistresses are kept by rich men. But a mistress who is a woman of substance and independent means is better. (Translation: Dont ask him for money) 10. Be discreet. (Make sure he is not the type to talk in the sleep.) 11. Never travel together. (Accidents will always happen. You can never tell.) 12. When he breaks a date, charge it to fate, not his fickleness. (Men will be boys. They will forget to call. They will break a date at the last minute. They will stand you up. They
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wont explain and they wont ask for forgiveness. But dont cry nor throw a tantrum. Dont break down because a mistress is supposed to understand a man more than his wife does.) 13. Wives have their own networks of spies and amigas. It is helpful for the mistress to have her own. A chaperone is not a good idea, however. (Chaperones are passe. Besides, they talk.) 14. Mistresses dont complain. (They shouldnt. Its the wives, according to the husbands, who are always complaining.) 15. Being No. 2, the mistress tries harder. 16. Send him home as soon as it becomes apparent that hes overstaying. 17. It is practical for a mistress to be linked to another man, preferably her lovers friend. 18. If hes a public man and youre thinking of staging an accident of running into him, think: How many accidents can I pull off in one month? 19. Dont make unnecessary enemies of his children. 20. Remind him to pay for everything in cash dinner, flowers, perfume, champagne, pearls, diamonds, a microwave oven, etc. 21. Dont use tears as a weapon. Hes probably had enough of that from the Mrs. (Wives nag. Wives cry. If only for that reason, a mistress doesnt use tears to get what she wants.) 22. Resist the urge to be found. 23. Perish all thought that someday youll be No. 1. 24. Married men who keep mistresses dont like surprises, as a rule. 25. A man with a mistress leads a double life, his mistress only a half life. Cheer up! A career will make you whole. 26. Resist the urge to shower him with gifts. Evidence, evidence.! 27. When in doubt, disappear. 28. When all else fails, leave him.