Effective listening skills

By Jimmy Henderson

Listening is actually an active and not a passive process at all. This sounds a little strange, but can be explained by the fact that effective listening requires a high degree of focus and attention to detail. Research has shown that to be truly effective, any listener should not be speaking for more than 20% of the time; rather, the other person should be allowed to share his or her feelings, thoughts and ideas for the remaining 80 %. In other words, one should encourage open-ended responses and avoid the temptation to turn the situation into a question and answer session. When listening to any person, whether he or she is merely a friend, or a client requiring actual face-to-face counselling, the idea is to create a favourable situation and comfortable social environment for the sharing of personal and often intimate information. This means being empathetic and totally non-critical. Any form of perceived judgement will in all likelihood, result in your friend or client either directly or indirectly refusing to continue. It is also important to be fully open and responsive to changes in your friends/ clients emotional and psychological state. In counselling, this is called attending and involves three key aspects: Observing and noting non-verbal communications which suggest the emotional and psychological state (feelings and thoughts) of the other person and responding to these changes immediately. For example, offering physical support during a very emotional moment Listening to and understanding your friends or clients verbal statements. In other words, responding to what he or she is sharing in terms of feelings, thoughts and experiences, as well as that which is left unsaid, (listening between the lines). This will include identifying and making a mental record of key issues relating to these feelings and thoughts as well as the facts of the situation which can be used to provide support and guidance later on. Listening with an open mind and taking into consideration his or her personality, individual needs, personal circumstances and background, as well as his or her values and beliefs (your friend or clients frame of reference)

Key skills required for effective listening

Observation skills for non-verbal communication (A, B. C) A = Awareness Be fully aware and present when listening in order to note small shifts taking place in body language suggesting changes taking place in his or her state of mind and emotions. B = Body Language Use your peripheral vision to view your friend/client holistically without focussing on any particular area. Look for shifts in body position, orientation or tension. If there are no

other external factors involved, these will suggest a corresponding change in emotional or psychological state. There are a number of general principles which must be considered when reading body language: One cannot read an isolated gesture and summarily reach a conclusion on a persons emotional or psychological state. The entire context of the social situation must be taken into consideration- what caused the sudden change? Non-verbal messages occur in body language clusters. One needs to note the correct combination of bodily and facial reactions. In other words, all the areas of the body are involved in sending a non-verbal message and it is important to interpret the changes holistically. The discomfort and resulting shifts in body language of your friend or client could be due to external factors such as the invasion of personal space, heat, cold, noise or other distractions (lack of privacy). Non-verbal communication becomes apparent in changes in the posture or orientation of the body, tension, facial expressions and voice. Body posture Sudden shifts in the openness or closure of the body by crossing the arms or legs suggest a change in emotional or psychological state. Closure of the body is usually a defensive behaviour and can suggest discomfort due to the conversation opening up an emotionally senstive area. An opening up of the body posture suggests relaxation and trust. Body orientation This is described as the way in which the persons body turns, leans or pulls away from your approach. This kind of change in body language is a defensive behaviour and suggests discomfort, distrust, stubbornness or unwillingness. The opposite is true if your friend/client turns to face you or welcomes your presence by leaning towards you. Body tension Any tenseness in the body suggests the presence of emotions such as fear, anger or anxiety. This tension is revealed by restlessness, the wringing of hands, shuffling of feet, or clenching of the fists. Short quick breaths also indicate a high level of tension and anxiety. Facial expression Changes in the facial expression also suggest the arousal of specific emotions. These emotions can either be experienced as pleasant, such as happiness and joy, or unpleasant, such as fear or anger. Pleasant emotions will usually be accompanied by smiles, raised eyebrows and dilated pupils, whereas an unpleasant emotion will be the opposite, resulting in a drooping of the face, frowns or grimaces. Tension or anxiety can also be seen when eye contact is avoided or there is rapid eye movement. There is a unique combination of facial contractions associated with each different emotion and with practice, it is relatively easy to identify them.

 Changes in the voice Usually a quiver in a voice indicates the presence of strong emotions. The tone of the voice is also important. A change in the pitch of the voice suggests an emotional shift, either to an anxiety-based emotion (higher pitch) or a depressive emotion (lower and flatter tone). A gasp or quick breath suggests that he or she has experienced a sudden and powerful emotion. C= Consider their viewpoint Non-verbal communication works both ways, and an alert friend or client could easily detect the non-verbal messages you are communicating. It is therefore important to always try to see yourselves from your friends or clients point of view. The same rules of body language, such as body tone, openness/closure, body orientation, voice and facial expression will apply to you, whether you are a trained counsellor or just a concerned friend. In this regard, an ongoing process of self-evaluation is recommended. In other words, you should be continually asking yourself if your body language suggests empathy, interest , focus and attention, or defensiveness and disinterest. Feedback skills Feedback is the process in which we keep our friend or client informed of what we are hearing and experiencing from the conversation and has a number of specifically desired outcomes: It is a process in which we show our friend/client that we are listening attentively We use feedback to clarify what we are hearing. In other words, we reflect back what we believe he or she is saying or what we think he/she meant. This provides the opportunity to confirm or rephrase what is being said, with the end result that both parties have the same understanding of the issue under discussion. The third purpose relates to hidden or subliminal thoughts and feelings which may be masked. We can reflect back information which we infer from the body language and statements to reach a better understanding of the situation. As part of the process of listening, feedback also helps to establish rapport and trust and cements the relationship with our friend or client The feedback and reflection process must be structured and directed towards identifying and clarifying those thoughts, feelings and issues that are important to our friend/client and which can be used later to explore options (possible solutions) and provide guidance if necessary. Methods of feedback Reflection This involves reflecting back to our friend/client what we believe he/she means or implies with his/her statement. This involves paying close attention to what is being said as well as any non-verbal communications It also requires of us to comment appropriately on what is being said, requesting our friend /client to clarify or further explain a particular aspect. This focus and attention should be seen in our body language as well as our feedback. There are a number of

specific techniques that can be applied: Immediate reflection This is one of the processes of feedback and comprises a number of techniques including the use of para-language and para-phrasing (key word repetition and mirror statements ) Para-language The use of para-language does not require comprehensive feedback and usually involves only simple verbal responses provided at appropriate times to prompt our friend/client to continue. For example, responding to key statements with Umm, yes, I see, I understand Case scenario Jill: and so when he came home I was not there ... Response: I see (para-language) Jill: and so he phoned my mother to see if I was with her. Response: yes? (and then?) (prompt) Jill: You can imagine his surprise when I was not there either Response: Umm (para-language) As stated, para-language has no real content and its purpose is merely to prompt or provide encouragement for our friend/client to continue. It does, however, let him or her know that we are listening and it is therefore a very simple form of feedback and reflection. Key word repetition This operates very similar to para-language but it has more content and meaning in that we highlight key words which we feel are important to our friend/client. This brings about an awareness of what has just been said so that the he/she can correct the matter if he/she feels misunderstood. It also prompts him/her to continue and to explain further. It is also a useful tool for remembering key issues which may require further discussion later. Case Scenario Jill: He makes me feel so rejected Response: rejected? (key word repetition) Jill: yes, and I can't take it any longer Key word repetition can also involve the reflection of a number of words, such as you feel rejected?, but they are essentially a repetition of what has been said and contains no additional information. Para-phrasing Reflection in the form of para-phrasing is more complex and there are a number of possible techniques that can be applied: Mirror statements These are the most complex form of paraphrasing and can be very powerful in identifying and isolating the important feelings and key issues involved in a conversation or counselling session. This is an actual rephrasing of what our friend or client has said in our own words. This indicates that we have understood (and not merely heard) what has been said.

Case scenario Jill: I told him I can't take living with him any more" Response: You are telling me that your plan is to leave him? (reflection with additional implication of leaving him ) The power of this type of reflection is that it can introduce new elements into the conversation which can our friend/client to see the implications of his/her statement, or even introduce a new perspective into the situation. Lead-ins During such para-phrasing we can use a variety of lead-ins such as let me try to understand you correctly ..., or just to clarify, do you mean ... and so on, to lead onto the reflective statements. . Immediacy Another form of reflection is immediacy, which is directed more at emotions. During immediacy, we inform our friend/client of what we are experiencing as a result of his or her words or emotional state. This provides feedback into the kind of effect his or her actions or emotions could be having on others. Case scenario Jill: Actually I don't care if he goes or not Response: I am sensing that you are angry with him (immediacy) The power of immediacy is that we are able to reflect and rephrase words and body language into emotions and feelings by using our own perspective, but it must be handled carefully and we should be cautious not to introduce emotions into a situation where they may not exist. Listening skills applied during questioning As stated, we attend to our friends/clients needs with empathy and the correct use of our voice, words, body language and the different skills of reflection. However, for effective listening, we need to combine reflection with questioning. The purpose of questioning in this case is to correctly identify our friends/clients emotions, thoughts and the facts of the situation. Emotions When seeking to identify specific emotions we apply feeling words during feedback with a view to putting our friend or client in touch with his or her emotions. Case scenario Jill: Can you imagine what it was like to have him walk out like that? Response: You felt rejected (reflection suggesting an emotion -feelings of rejection) Jill: Of course, I have never felt so humiliated in my life (confirms and owns the specific emotion of rejection) Thoughts Similarly, if listening for specific thoughts, we use thinking words and reflect and clarify any self-talk (self-talk is what we are telling ourselves during thinking) Case scenario

Response: What were you thinking at the time? Jill: I thought to myself, you are a failure This identifies the content of the self-talk (thoughts) and opens up the issue of thinking one is a failure for further discussion (challenging and cognitive restructuring) Listening and reflecting the real facts and issues: Sometimes we also listen for facts and the reflection and questioning will be directed towards a clarification of the facts. This is normally to compare the facts with the perceptions and feelings of our friend/client in order to reach an objective assessment of where he or she is in relation to the situation. A distressed person is not objective and one of the goals of an effective listening process is to objectively clarify the issues. Case scenario Response: Jill, tell me what actually happened when you confronted him (facts) Jill: Well, he stormed out of the house Response: He was angry? (reflection to determine the emotions involved) Jill: Yes, and he said he was never coming back (facts) Managing silence The use of silence is a very powerful tool if used skilfully. It involves consciously leaving a pregnant pause during a line of intimate and sensitive questioning to create a moment for your friend or client to feel, to think and to reflect inwardly. Combined with on short, on-target comments, it may prompt new insights or realisations. Case scenario John: and so when I saw her again I don't know what happened but I went to pieces. Initial response: (a few moments of silence) Response: you still love her, John (more silence) John: (breaks down) Of course I still love her (new insight)

Conclusion
Finally, an important requirement in the listening process is to be fully present at all times, applying listening and questioning skills in a smooth, integrated manner, tracking and moving alongside our friend or client at a pace with which he/she is comfortable. As stated, we should also be keeping mental notes of the issues and facts, as later it will be possible to link together, analyse and summarise this information in order to challenge negativity, empower and provide guidance. Jimmy Henderson is a trained counsellor with a Masters degree in Psychology and a regular radio talk show guest on issues of wellness. He is also the author of two books on developing body, mind and spirit entitled Multi-Dimensional Thinking and Multi-Dimensional Perception which are available at Exclusive Books , Amazon.com, Kalahari.com or his website www.jimmyhendersonbooks.com