Allelujah Mumble

AfterthepearlygatesopenedupforBenMurdoch(neBenjamin),everythingwent straighttohell.Benhadgottenhishaloandrobesandropesandalsandevenhiswings, andtohissurprise,allthebarswerepackedtothebrimwithblackeyedvirgins. Catsdidnthiss. Dogsdidnthowl. Everyday,hisfridgewasfullofhisfavoritefoodsbuttermilk,pickledeggs, poptarts,andleftoverchickenfriedsteak.Godknowshowhedlivedonitwhenhewasall thewaybackhome.Helovedhisdiet,though,thatmuchwassuresaiditkeptthebig trainrunnin.Inanycase,Bengottiredofitafteracouplemonthsofsameold,sameold. JustbeforesunriseonthesixtyseventhdaysinceBensfirstsuicide,heleaptfrom thehighestziggurattemplehecouldfind. Killinghimself,intheory. LuckilyforBen,hesurvived,miraculouslyuntouchedbythefall,andstillverymuch alive.Mostofthesilverliningsurroundinghissuicidalleapwas,however,irrelevanttohim. Nooneelseseemedtoointerested,either.Ontheoffchanceitwasaonetimedeal,he huffedupthestairsagain(slowerthistime),andtriedagainnoluck. Proddedtoactionbyhispersistingexistence,Benappliedsomefocushelearned complicatednooseknots,purchasedagassyoldcarandagarage,abathandatoaster. Relentlessly,hisluckheldBenMurdochjustcouldntkillhimselftwice.Sincehecouldnt takecareofithimself,hestartedaskingpassersby. Tohisslowlydwindlingsurprise,hegotnoresponse:everyonewasbusilyminding theirownbeeswax,glassyeyedandtightlipped.Untilthispoint,Benhadgenerally

assumedheddiedandgoneonuptothepromisedland. Verily!avoicetrumpetedbehindhim,amaninaslickwhitesuitwhosmoothedhis hairasheapproached.Weregladtohaveyouhere,BenitsarealpleasureIllbeyour xenogoguewhileyourehere.Hesmiled. Xenogogue?Whatsaxenogogue,andwhydoIneedoneinheaven? Yourguide,Ben.Whileyourehere.Hesmiledwider,showingbroadwhiteteeth. Butwhosaidanythingaboutheaven? Zigguratstoweringbehindhim,Bensighed,andgotintolinewitheverybodyelse.