Experiments in Truth B, tell me what youre thinking right now?

I asked sitting down next to my sister on the couch, who was half studying and half watching the latest reality show throw-up. What? Youre insane. Why am I insane? Because I want to have a conversation with you about something that might be worthwhile? Because its weird. Why? Its strange. I dont know. No one really does that. Do people not converse with you? Well, yeah, but no one ever really cares to heart eh answers to the questions they ask out of habit or politeness. well, Ive been without a good conversation in a long while. Lets have one. Ok. Alright. So Uh, yeah, well So how is this supposed to happen? she asked putting her notebook down. I dont know. I dont really know how to start one of these. I just have them. Oh, okay. Umm, pick a topic. News. What about it? Anything interesting youve heard? No, I dont pay attention to the news. I want you to tell me.

Well, I dont watch the news either. We can talk about it later.

Maybe Ill work on that.

You know, it is funny you bring up the news. I didnt bring it up. You did. She said giving up on her notes. You know what I mean. Your little talk here. Its already doing some good. Ive decided I need to start watching the news to be more informed. I dont know, maybe be more interested in whats going on elsewhere in the world. Im stoked for our news conversation next time we have one of these. Ill do more than browse the headlines on my phone. Me too. So, what else? I asked hoping for a subject that might lead to an actual conversation. I dont know. Like what else? You know pretty much everything I know about? I dont know. I just feel like we live together but we dont really know whats going on. I see. She responded giving me a skulky look. How about lets start with, hows your life these days? Anything new? Its ok. Nothing really new. Enthusiasm at every turn with you. Nothing note-worthy? She started How about the

Not in particular. Just same crap every day. flipping the channels. Hmmm. Ok. Well fuck, Ill just pick a topic. proverbial question Why are we here? Here. Like in this apartment?

Sure. But more like why are we here, on Earth, this time, this place. Destiny type of shit.

Are you high? Unbelievably. Just got some new stuff. reason Im sitting here. But thats not the only

Ok, well, its because its the way its meant to be. But why? Whats our purpose? Whats the individual purpose?

UmmI dont know. I guess the choices weve made have led us here, and your purpose is what you choose for it to be. So you dont believe in destiny? I do, for the big things, but not the every day. Destiny, for example, I believe if Im meant to be with someone, Ill eventually meet that person. But like, wanting to be a nurse, I dont necessarily know if Im destined to be one, but its what I want to be and Im making it happen. Okay, but how do you know youll meet the one, and more importantly, how the hell are you supposed to tell when that happens? I just hope I get that feeling and I just know, like in the movies. I mean, really, for all I know, Ive already met that person. She answered, hinting shed thought about this before. Then why try? Why not just wait for it to happen? If it is destiny, wont it happen no matter what? Wont the powers that be put you on course and cause the eventual meeting? Well, I guess I can just wait. But in the meantime, what am I supposed to do? I want to meet new people and have fun and enjoy my life and not worry about not having my soul mate with me. If youve never been in love, how will you know? Ive thought on that before. I think that, I think Id know if I was in love. I would have to ask myself, would I die for this person? I mean, theres only a few people Id give up my life for, and its not everyone in our family. Am I one? I asked hoping Id hear a resounding of course.

Duh deevsee. I will allow it. Continue. Me too by the way. to reassure her. I know deevsee. So, back to the convo. Do you believe in one true love then? I felt the need

No, I think people change. Like me, in the year Ive been in school, Ive changed. I think there are different degrees of love. Different degrees? Like Karate? Say then, that you love someone to the highest degree youve loved anyone and it doesnt work out and even though you try, you cant love anyone else to that degree, does that mean youve lost the love of your life? well, thats sad. Im sure there are countless people living out that scenario right now. I hope it doesnt happen to me. It is pretty shitty to think that you could completely fuck up your one chance. A grim, unhappy existence. And what good is an unhappy life? So youre saying you cant be happy without a soul mate? Well, if regardless of your choices, youre meant to be with someone, how do some people never find it? Or maybe it just deosnt work out? Or do you think some people are just meant to be alone? Its such a sad thing to think about. I guess its possible, take grandma for example. I mean, was Grandpa the love of her life? And now she has to sit there and watch him with the woman he left her for? I guess its better to have loved? I think it is. She said convincing herself of what was coming out of her mouth. It is better to have loved? Atleast she got to love someone, even if it wasnt forever. I think itd be sadder to never experience love. I agree. What do you make of all the people that settle for those they dont love just to have someone there?

Oh definitely. I, gosh, its crazy. No wonder more than half of marriages end in divorce. She settled back on the barefoot contessa. Yeah dude, or all the people that marry for convenience or power or money or fame. Its rare to see a couple thats truly in love. you wonder how they met and made it work. And it makes

How about this. Do you think its possible to have a soul mate, but not be your soul mates soul mate? I dont know if I think people have soul mates. I think you can find someone that makes you happy, and that you can live with, and puts up with you and you accept each other. Its like, sure, there may be someone out there thats perfect for me, but will I ever meet them? Maybe. Maybe not. There are seven billion people on Earth and Im supposed to find that one thats a perfect fit and I can be happy with. Thats bullshit. Right, and if youre not constantly on the look-out for the one, or staying open to the signs; makes you think about all the times you didnt say hello to someone or maybe when a no shouldve been a yes. Its interesting to think about. I guess it has to do with whats around you. Its proximity. Its the pond closest to you. And you want the best fish you can catch. So how do you define love? I dont know, just being happy with someone, and having feelings you dont have for everyone else. So you define love as happiness? Yeah, I guess. From everything Ive learned about love and what Ive always known; Being in love is being happy, no matter what, because you have someone willing to sit knee deep in shit with you? So why even marry? If youre happy, why ruin it?

But isnt there something to expecting happier? things are supposed to be.

Its just how

With what? More commitment? I mean, you know what happy is. When you get presents; When you do well in school; When youve crossed something off your list. Are you happy? I grabbed my little batty, loaded myself a one hitter and waited for an answer. Id say Im happy. She said after a few moments of deep thought. I have my bad moments when Im stressed, or tired of busting my ass all the time. Id say overall though, Im happy. But I know I could be happier. How do you know? Have you ever been happier?

You know what? Forget it. I define love as full vulnerability. She had the wheels turning. Like, if I ever find someone Im comfortable falling asleep in front of, knowing theyre there and looking at me, and not get completely creeped out by it, thats when Ill know. Just like I know theres a God, Ill know that Im in love. That is creepy, falling asleep in front of someone. But yeah, full vulnerability, huh? Makes sense I guess. Its like, I like this girl but Im not sure if I can cry in front of her. Not that Im planning on crying, or that I do, but if I could, its different you know? So what do you define love as? The love were talking about, romantic love, I used to think it was being happy with someone else and creating a happy life together. I was all about true love and love at first sight and fate but its all fortune cookies to me now. Now, I define love the same way I define a semi-colon. A semi-colon is used to connect independent clauses to indicate a closer relationship between the two. I want love to be just that. I want to be able to share in a close relationship with someone but still be independent to that relationship with someone but still be independent to that relationship. I just dont wanna let someone else be responsible for my happiness, and I dont wanna be responsible for anyone elses.

Ok deevs, I will allow it. Its like, how can we possibly know that the next person is going to make you happier? What if, that person doesnt like you, or it doesnt work out, but that was the person that made you happiest? What if all these stories theyve been telling us are just a bunch of shit. How do they know? When over half the marriages end up in divorce, shouldnt we take a step back and say hey maybe were jumping into this, but no, people plunge into alimony and custody battles on this silly little notion of love, something that very few people seem to achieve. I dont know, I just know. Just like I know god exists. I cant explain it. Its just my feeling, my faith, that its true. Fair enough, so you believe in God? You know I do, we did our first communion together. She turned the TV off and decided to give the conversation her attention. And you follow him blindly? I wouldnt say blindly. Have you ever questioned your faith? No, never. So you say you have the right religion? Yeah. What about everyone elses? What about their faiths, or people who dont believe anything. I dont care about those people. So grandma, as you may know, is from a different religion. dont care about grandma? I dont mean I dont care, I dont care about her religion, jack ass. So, do you think faith gets you into heaven? You

Yeah. And do you believe youre going to heaven? Yes. So, grandmas going to hell. That sucks cuz I really love grandma. I better go tell her to stop praying. Grandmas faith is not different than mine. She believes in God. Her faiths the same. Her religion is different. So people can choose to believe in things in different ways and still believe in the same thing? I guess. So, Jews, Muslims, Catholics, all believe in God, and though they call theirs by a different name, or dont go to mass, or play with dreidels, or go to mosque, are they going to heaven? I dont presume to be all knowing. drink of water. If you were, youd be God. She said getting up for a

I responded when she got back.

All I know is Im going to heaven, and God can choose where they are going. whose God, your God? Their God? Or mine? But Im glad you got it figured out. But, just, you know, out of curiosity Shut up. What? I just have a small question. I know what youre gonna say. Oh you do? So, whats the answer? Well, I assume youre going to ask me when the last time I went to church was. No, I was gonna say something about breakfast. But since you bring it up, whens the last time you went to church? Youre good. Youre funny. Id say two years, no, a year and a half. Since I moved up here basically.

Oh, so you dont have to follow the teachings of your church to believe what they believe? Are all those people cramming holy houses every Sunday just wasting their time? Fools. Here you are, being an absent Catholic, and youre going to Heaven. Yesh. She saw where I was going. But how do you know? What if you die and get there, and Gods like, hey, so I was looking through your ummattendance record at church and uhhweve been missing you for quite some timeso, were gonna have to give you an incomplete, sorry Thats stupid. and squint. Thats ridiculous. She gave me a head shake

No its not, think about it. To graduate from school, no matter your grades, you cant graduate if you dont show up a certain amount of time. At least Im not out murdering people or stealing or doing any of the really bad things people do. So pretty much, believe in God and follow his rules and teachings, which at the core are just retellings of moral stories, but only if theyre convenient, and as long as theyre not the super bad ones, its okay, cuz youre still going to heaven. What Im saying is, as long as you believe in God, and have faith, and believe him to be your one and only true God, thats all you need. Whats the basis of your faith? The bible? Yeah, I would say that. Well, who wrote the Bible? God? Jesus? No, it was apostles; just people, like you and I, that happened to be his buddies. I know its a retelling of what happened in that period and his teachings. The new Testament that is. Ok, so you base your faith on what people, thousands of years ago, wrote, and you know its the truth and its God because what htye wrote tell you. The stories in the new Testament

dont really add up anyway, you cant find the same story in more than one, and wheres his childhood? Its hard to think that the man who had his birth prophesized, and then it suddenly skips to him knowing all these things, and being a great messiah. Was there really nothing to say about him growing up? Whats your point? She wasnt feeling my long-windedness.

My point is, doesnt there come a point when you start to wonder if its true, or if its been changed? Not for me. Did you now there are more gospels than are included in the Bible? Who told you that? The History Channel. Do you think the Bible you follow now is the one Jesus meant for you to follow? No, its what the Priests and Popes and high-up church deciders deem worthy of inclusion. A gospel, written by Mary Magdalene wasnt included, just to keep women at a lower level of equality. Theres supposedly a gospel written by Jesus that isnt allowed to be read. And all other Christian religions are just mutations of Catholicism, except they change some rules they dont want. Religions are bullshit. Yeah, I know that. And yeah, I know it may have been changed over time, but I dont think its been that much. I think the general idea still remains. And what is the general idea? Be good to each other? Dont kill? Isnt that pretty much what every religion teaches? Well yeah. But theres the stories. God created the world in six days. Moses and Noah. The random church stuff. I believe that too. You really believe a guy named Moses parted the seas? Then how do you explain science? It has proven, as much as it allows itself to, that the world is older than the Bible says. YO cant really believe those stories, right?

I do, but its the message and the life it tries to teach you to live that makes it special. Thats what Im saying. Theyre like Aesops fables, or Greek mythology. Theyre stories, and over time Zeus became God, and the stories changed to benefit the very mortal ambitions of men. If he is real, hes been absent for a long time. Its not the same. And who says hes absent. He performs miracles all around us. He may not be speaking to people from burning bushes, or giving people special powers, but what if its a feeling, that God is there? So if someone said they spoke to God, youd believe them? I dont know, maybe. Would you believe them more if what they said was agreeable with your faith? Most likely. Ever heard of Charles Manson? Ha, yeah, I have. well good, then youll know he was Gods messenger and got a bunch of people to follow him and kill themselves. In Gods name. Would you have believed him? No, thats crazy. You only say that because you have the power of hindsight. Why did God let them do that? Why does he let bad things happen? I guess some people are so desperate to believe in something theyll believe a crazy man. Well, its a good thing people believed a crazy man named Jesus 2,000 years ago. Oh, haha, blasphemy. Why? Isnt that what were supposed to do? Follow blindly, pay up, not ask questions. If theres only one God, why allow for so many deviant paths?

Because people have different views, and different experiences, and were all different. Some people just believe other things. How do you know youre in the right religion? Because I just do, I think Im right, and its my choice. So howd you come to this decision; this choice you say you have? Have you studied other religions? No, you know I havent. So, youre Catholic because your Parents are Catholic No shit, we have the same parents. Yeah, but were Catholic because its how we were raised and weve never known any difference, and when we question, we are told thats wrong, so were conditioned to not. You never made any sort of choice. Yes and No. I agree, I was raised Catholic but Ive chosen to stay Catholic because its what I believe in, its what gets me through and gives me strength and gives me hope. I believe you believe, and thats basically what I believe. God is who you need him to be. God is nature, us, space, everything we see, or do, or experience, or think, its all God. And God, the all-powerful is all of it existing. Continue. And its a cycle, and were karma playing out so other karma can play out. And once every word is spoken, and every secret is known, and every breath has been breathed by every creature and every star burns out, then and only then will Gods karma play out and he will start it all again, which is what I think is the God explanation for the Big Bang Theory. Well, Im not changing my view point. Thats what Im saying. Everyone is right, if you truly believe in something and someone else truly believes in something else, who are you to say my truly believe is stronger than your truly believe.

I dont judge people.

She had to make known

But you do, every time you think youre in the going to heaven list just because you believe what you do, because you were born where Catholicism is predominant, and your parents made you go. The bible states you should go to church, on Sundays, but you dont, but youre a good person and it doesnt matter if you go to church. Just like because someone goes to church on Sundays doesnt mean theyre not out cheating on their spouse. I dont. I pass judgment on myself. But to your convenience. Just like I do, all the fucking time. Its why Im an asshole. Im not saying. Im just saying. It is interesting to think about though. And you are an asshole. Whats the scale for evil-doers and sinners. Wanna know something weird though, since were on the topic of God and Religion and Destiny. When I did my confirmation, you how we had that first confession? Well, when I confessed my sins, the Priest told me to pray for whoever it is that Im going to marry. Isnt that kinda weird for a Priest to tell someone. That is strange, especially you. me. Why? Whatd he tell you? To do 20 Our Fathers and 20 Hail Marys. Really? You mustve sinned like crazy. Its not at all what he told

I dont really remember, but I remember crying, holding my little candle, praying for forgiveness for calling Mom a bitch among other things. I think she took care of the punishment on that one. Yeah, you remember? She was chasing me around the kitchen table with the broom and I kept acting like I was riding on a horse. Yeah, your horse didnt ride fast enough. And then some old guy gives me shit about it years later. Did you do all of your penance?

Not a chance. But yeah, your thing is weird. I took another one hitter and kicked my feet up on the coffee table. That Priest telling me that changed my life forever. Every now and then, Ill pray for that person Im gonna marry, just because he said that. Lucky dude. So why do you think you need to pray for him? Tough upbringing? Jail? Addictions? It could be anything. I dont care if they have a bad past. I dont plan on getting married until Im atleast 26, so by then, Ill have prayed for them a thousand times. So I think Ill marry a good person, since Ive prayed for them so much. I dont think Ill ever get married. Deevsee, youll marry someday. that truly loves me. Why else would you get married? I just hope I marry someone I sarcastically inquired.

You know its not about true love, its about settling, with that person you think you can get along with. Thats why Id rather not get married. I dont want to be stuck in a commitment I dont see going anywhere. I wont even go on dates because Im tired of wasting time and getting nowhere. I agree. But heres a question for you. Would you rather marry someone you love but doesnt love you or marry someone who loves you that you dont love? Id rather marry someone that loves me but I dont love back. Me too. I definitely wouldnt do the first one. I couldnt live knowing I love someone that doesnt love me back. What does that say about us though? That wed rather rob someone of a chance at being truly happy with someone that does love them? Since those are our only two choices, yes. I know I would try my hardest to make the other person happy, even knowing I dont

love them. But Id feel horrible, inside, for not loving them. But Id try to make them happy. What if all they want is for you to love them? it? I guess Id do whatever it took. What about you? Wouldnt you feel disillusioned? Yeah, probably, but Id hate even more feeling like I wasnt good enough. So at age 26, youll settle, if you have someone you dont love and give in, so at least you end up with someone? I wont settle. someday. I know Ill find the right guy for me Would you fake

Better hope he loves you back. He damn well better with all the help Im giving him. meant to be is meant to be. Whats

Isnt it scary, knowing absolutely nothing about what comes next? We can speculate, and plan, and hope all we want, but you just cant know until you get there.