Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Scene 1
Maths Teacher: So the square root of 23,785 is, (looks around room)
what, does nobody know what the answer is? Did any of you do your
homework? (some people in class raise their hands) Without cheating?
(everyone puts down their hands) Oh for gods sake, you all need to do
your work. This time, 5 pages of homework! (Everyone groans) That's it,
10 pages! (Jonny throws a paper plane) Jonny, You have 20 pages.
Jonny: Aw, what? Unfair!
Maths Teacher: Get over it! Okay, pack up, it's time to go home.
(Everyone gets their bags) Don't forget your homework!
Scene 2
Scene 3
(Jonny at home watching news at 6.40. Sun still dirctly up at sky like
noon)
News Reporter 1: And none of the parokeets survived the fire. If you
would like to donate to the bird protection agency, or BPA, text
DONATION to 58137. Texts cost 1 dollar.
News Reporter 2: (Looks at camera like he is a model, turns to next
camera, does a pose and turns back to first camera) Now to a report
that may sound like science fiction but it is completely true. 3
Astronauts have reported in from the nasa space station about seeing
the earth stopping movement. Space station ground manager Mr A.
Nangrigo Rilla is in the studio to tell us what he has found.
An angry gorilla (has an American accent): From the monthly space
report I got from our astronauts in the space station I received word
that at around 7.30pm American time, which is 12.30pm New Zealand
Time, the Earth actually stopped moving.
News Reporter 1: What are the effects of this happening?
A. Nangrigo Rilla: We believe that it will obviously be hard to sleep in
the regions of Australia, New Zealand, Some Parts of Papua New
Guinea and several Pacific Islands. It will also be hard to grow crops in
most countries and Global Warming will be likely in the Pacific area.
News Repoter 2: (Looks at camera like he is a model, turns to next
camera) Do you have any idea how this happened or how we could
stop it?
Andy Rilla: We have no idea what has happened or how we can stop
it, but we have seen Mars in orbit and it seems that small dots that
may be Martian ships with a cannon strapped to their ship may have
something to do with it. The 2 things happened around the same time.
News reporter 1: Do you think we could go to Mars and see what's
going on?
Andy: You see, all of the men and women that we have unsuccesfully
sent into space to Mars have failed each time. But I discovered a GS2
game called 'Space Destruction 2', in which, you must fly into space
and avoid comets, meteors and other things floating around in space,
and suprisingly said game is 84.02% identical to what you do in real
space shuttles, even though it has had bad reviews and only 4 people
have ever bought the game, 2 of which never played it and 1 died in
a car crash, (says in a quick whispering voice "may he rest in piece")
and so we are now tracking down the 1 person who has the game still.
News Reporter 2: After the ad break we have the weather and you get
to see more of me!
(News theme music plays)
Scene 4
Scene 5
(All knock on door of different house. Loud heavy metal music playing.
Person opens door.)
Dave: Come on in.
(Everyone walks in with strange looks on their faces)
Dave: So what are you guys here?
Catherine: Can you turn the music do-
Dave: Just a sec! I love this guitar solo!
(Dave starts playing air guitar)
NAA boy: You know a lot about aliens, we've heard. Could you help us
with a space mission?
(Dave stops music. He walks to a black board and scrapes fingernails.
Everyone blocks thier ears)
Dave (in a low voice): Aliens, you say? Yeah, I think I can help you
with that. I've been researching aliens for the past 10 years. Before you
go to space, you have to know these three things. Never get water on
them, never put them into bright light, because they hate bright light.
And whatever you do, and I can't stress it enough, do not whatever
you do feed them after midnight!
Hayden: Isn't that Gremlins?
Dave: (pauses for a moment) Oh yeah, that's right. Sorry. Anyway,
these are the three things you need to know about aliens. They feed
on human flesh, they die at the sound of music and they don't
understand reasoning. You can't really try to get them to look into their
hearts and let you go. They can't understand reasoning, so if you get
captured, the only real way that they will let you go is if you say that
you'll give them all of your money and then leg it as fast as you can.
NAA girl: Do you think you could help us in our space mission? You'll
be travelling into space also.
Dave: I think I might do that. I'm getting pretty bored since all I have
to do is to listen to music ever since I was fired from my job.
Catherine (muttering): Jeez, what a creep.
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Scene 13
(Back in ship)
Jonny: Where were you?
Patricia: Yeah! We were worried!
Catherine: This Martian technology is simpling mind-boggling! I can't
believe how far they've come since 2014 when they invaded Earth.
Dave: Man that sucked. I was forced into slave labour. What about you
guys?
Hayden: I was the royal foot rubber and pillow.
(pause)
Catherine: Pillow what?
Patricia: Were you actually his martian majesty's pillow?
Hayden: He never gave me food. I had to eat parts of his bed and
even some of his headlice.
Everyone but Hayden: Eew!
Catherine: (pretend to puke in back)
Patricia: I had to cook all of the Dunedin slave's food. Every night it
was just mouldy toast. The Royal Martian Commission stole all of the
other food because it was a delicacy. Man, if only I was at home at
the time, I could have gotten my 500 round .24 Caliber Pistol with
silencer and laser aiming system.
Dave: You really do know a lot about guns, don't you?
Patricia: Shut up, you. Did I say you could talk to me? DID I?
Dave: (mutter under breath) Man, what a psychopath.
Catherine: Look out! More ships!
Jonny: I think they're from Saturn! They must have been expecting us!
Hayden: Just like in that prophesy-thingymajig!
Jonny: They're trying to signal to us! We should use the
televisionaphonimajig!
(Jonny presses button above him)
Scene 14
Scene 15
(back in ship)
Dave: I think we should fly away now.
Patricia: Yeah, they look pretty scary.
Catherine: And they're armed with laser guns.
Jonny: You heard what they said. They're going to feed us to the
vultures, or give us the Black Plague! Or even tie us to the ground and
never feed us so we'll die of hunger! Let's just go!
(Dave: I agree. Patricia: Yeah! Catherine: I think we should.) All at the
same time
Hayden: Too late! They've already fired!
Jonny: Attack!
(laser gun fight scene, Saturn aliens win, humans crash, screen goes
black)
Scene 16
Scene 17
(Jonny in dungeon place, in cell with Stacey, Fred, Mike and Rebecca.)
Jonny: How did I end up in this place?
Mike: Hey, you havent been here very long.
Stacey: You don't know how it's like to be in here.
Rebecca: You've only been here, what, a day?
Fred: You don't know of the torture that we endure here.
Jonny: So, uh, what are you're names? I'm Jonny.
Stacey: I'm Stacey.
Mike: I'm Mike.
Rebecca: I'm Rebecca.
Fred: And I'm Fred, the leader of our group. Actually, since you're new,
we shall asign you a name fitting for what you're good at.
Jonny: Well, actually, I'm not very good at much. Well, I'm good at
playing flute, actually.
Fred: Well then, we now have your new name. I now dub you Jonny
the Flute Player!
Everyone but Jonny and Fred: Welcome, Jonny the Flute Player!
(wait for a while)
Jonny: Actually, I think I've just figured out our means of escape! Does
anyone have a flute?
(Stacey hands Jonny a flute)
Jonny: Great! Now, when do the guards give us any food?
Mike: Right about........
Rebecca: He's here! Hurry with the escape plan!
Stacey: I'll lead you to your ship when we get outside!
Jonny: Okay!
(Guard 2 comes to door)
Guard 2: Slops on, chumps! Eat it now or you'll be sent to the
slaughter house so we can eat you tomorrow!
(Guard 2 opens door, Jonny plays flute (even if it's bad) and Guard 2
falls to the ground twitching. Jonny, Fred, Rebecca, Mike and Stacey
run to door.)
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Scene 19
(in ship, queen following in her ship. Queen blasts their ship.)
Mike: We've been hit! We need to fire at them!
Jonny: I have an idea! This is the ship with the gravity cannon! Watch
this!
(Jonny fires gravity cannon, queen's ship gets pulled in by it, blows up
and sends their ship flying towards Mars.)
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Scene 22
(epilogue)
Narrator: And so, the Earth, Mars and Venus were restored to their
normalness. Mike solved Global Warming, and with the money that
everybody got for saving the world, they all went on holiday to
Raratonga. Catherine died from a shark attack and Dave was murdered
by Patricia. The Martians took over Saturn, and everybody lived happily
ever after, except for Dave and Catherine, who burned in the depths of
hell for all of eternity. Oh, well.
Well, actually, do you want to know what really happened? Well, okay
then. They all went to Venus for a holiday, then they ended up on a
reality TV show and from that day on they were known as the biggest
celebrities in history because they were the first people to land on
Mars, Saturn and Venus and then win an intergalactic reality TV show.
With their fame they ended their lives by being smothered with a
crowd of people on top of them. It was the worst thing to ever happen
to anyone so everybody felt so ashamed that nobody wanted to see
their favourite celebrities anymore and nobody was popular anymore so
it ended popularity for the world. MWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!! Sorry, I've
got to go give my mother a spongebath now. Goodbye.
CREDITS
END