10 Steps to Conflict Resolution A Step-by-Step Guide to Conflict Resolution By Deb Peterson, About.com Guide Conflict happens.

It happens everywhere: between friends, in the classroom, around the corporate conference table. The good news is that it doesn't have to damage friendships or business deals. Knowing how to resolve conflict, wherever it happens, creates confidence and eases stress. Conflict resolution in the corporate world can mean the difference between good business and no business. Teach your managers, supervisors, and employees how to manage conflict in the office and watch morale, and business, improve. Teachers, these techniques work in the classroom, too, and they can save friendships. 1. Be Prepared Care enough about your own well-being, your relationships with co-workers and your company, to talk about what is bothering you at work, to talk about conflict. Don't take it home or stuff it away. Ignoring something doesnt make it go away. Start preparing to resolve conflict by checking your own behavior. What are your hot buttons? Have they been pushed? How have you handled the situation so far? What is your own responsibility in the matter? Own up. Take responsibility for your part in the conflict. Do a little soul searching, a little self-examination, before talking it out with the other party. Then plan what you want to say. I'm not suggesting you memorize a speech, but it helps to visualize a successful, peaceful conversation. 2. Don't Wait The sooner you resolve conflict, the easier it is to resolve. Don't wait. Don't let the matter boil into something bigger than it is.

If a specific behavior has caused the conflict, promptness gives you an example to refer to and keeps you from building up hostility. It also gives the other person the best chance of understanding the specific behavior you want to talk about. 3. Find a Private, Neutral Place Talking about conflict has almost no chance of succeeding if its carried out in public. Nobody likes to be embarrassed in front of peers or made an example of in public. Your goal is to eliminate the tension created by conflict. Privacy will help you. Neutral places are best. However, if you need to emphasize your authority over a direct report, a managers office may be appropriate. A managers office is also acceptable if there is no other private place to meet. Try to make the office as neutral as possible by sitting so that there is no table or other obstruction between you and the other person, if possible. This removes physical barriers to open communication. 4. Be Aware of Body Language Be aware of your body language. You convey information without ever opening your mouth to speak. Know what message you are sending the other person by how you're holding your body. You want to convey peace here, not hostility or closed-mindedness. Maintain eye contact. Relax your neck and shoulder muscles. Be conscious of your expression. Show you care. Use a "Please pass the salt and pepper" voice: neutral tone, moderate speed and volume, conversational. Avoid absolutes like "never" and "always." 5. Share Your Feelings Nine times out of 10, the real conflict is about feelings, not facts. You can argue about facts all day, but everyone has a right to his or her own feelings. Owning your own feelings, and caring about others', is key to talking about conflict. Remember that anger is a secondary emotion. It almost always arises from fear.

It's critical here to use "I" statements. Instead of saying, "You make me so angry," try something like, "I feel really frustrated when you..." And remember to talk about behaviors, not personalities. 6. Identify the Problem Give specific details, including your own observations, valid documentation, if appropriate, and information from reliable witnesses, if appropriate. You've shared your own feelings about the situation, described the problem, and expressed interest in resolving the matter. Now simply ask the other party how he or she is feeling about it. Don't assume. Ask. Discuss what caused the situation. Does everyone have the information they need? Does everyone have the skills they need? Does everyone understand expectations? What are the obstacles? Does everyone agree on the desired outcome? If necessary, use a problem analysis tool or a can/can't/will/won't performance analysis. 7. Listen Actively and with Compassion Listen actively and remember that things are not always what they seem. Be ready to be open to the other persons explanation. Sometimes, getting all the information from the right person changes the entire situation. Be ready to respond with compassion. Be interested in how the other person sees the situation differently than you do. 8. Find a Solution Together Ask the other party for his or her ideas for solving the problem. The person is responsible for his or her own behavior and has the ability to change it. Resolving conflict is not about changing another person. Change is up to each individual. Know how you want the situation to be different in the future. If you have ideas the other person doesnt mention, suggest them only after the person has shared all of his or her ideas.

Discuss each idea. What's involved? Does the person need your help? Does the idea involve other people who should be consulted? Using the other persons ideas first, especially with direct reports, will increase personal commitment on his or her part. If an idea cant be used for some reason, explain why. 9. Agree on a Plan of Action Say what you will do differently in the future and ask the other party to verbalize his or her commitment to change in the future. With direct reports, know what goals you want to set with the employee and how and when you will measure progress. Its important that the person verbalize what will change in a specific manner. Set a follow-up date with direct reports, and explain future consequences for failure to change, if appropriate. 10. Express Confidence Thank the other party for being open with you and express confidence that your work relationship will be better for having talked the problem out.

An Approach To Conflict Resolution By Ravindra Varma All human beings do not think alike or feel alike. They have therefore no escape from having to encounter differences. Differences can lead to intolerance, intolerance can lead to confrontation, and hostile confrontation can, does often, lead to conflict. The objects that set one on the path of confrontation and conflict are therefore very important in understanding 'conflict'. So are the means-tactics and instruments that one uses to engage in conflict. Both these affect the individual as well as the group or society in which, or on behalf of which he or she wants to engage in conflict. They act and interact on the individual as well as the institutions that he fashions or lives under, and the "forces" that they generate and employ for bringing about change or resisting change. The problems that arise from these inter-relationships cannot be solved by saying that conflicts are inevitable in the life of the individual and society. Science and technology have given us weapons that individuals or groups can use to cause mass destruction, wipe out vast populations and inflict death and suffering on generations that may survive or succeed nuclear holocausts. In fact it will be truer to say that we have used science and technology to invent such weapons to enforce our views and our will on those who differ, and expose the human species to the threat of extinction. We have done so because we have inherited the belief that disputes can be settled only by violence, war in the case of nations, and violent conflict or upheavals in the case of sub sovereign groups or individuals. But the world has now seen the magnitude and duration of the effects of the destruction that violence can cause, to the one who initiates as well as the one who responds, and to the vast mass of innocent people who are not responsible for these decisions, but live in areas controlled by the one who initiates or the one who responds. The ordinary human being everywhere has therefore become far more conscious and concerned about the risks and the ruin that conflict brings in its train. He has therefore become aware of the stake that he has in avoiding and resolving conflict. He is no longer satisfied with the academic adage that conflicts are inevitable. He does not want conflicts because conflicts are prone to become violent, and competitive violence can lead to the destruction of all mankind including

themselves. The demonstrations that one sees today from Turkey to Los Angeles bear testimony to the new awareness of the futility and dangers of violent conflict, and the revulsion to war as a weapon to settle disputes. Today we do not therefore want differences to precipitate into violent conflict or war. Conflicts in perceptions easily become prone to violent conflicts because of (1) the ferocity of feelings built up through intense and clever propaganda (2) the easy availability of arms for combat (3) the inherited belief in war or violence as the most efficient way of settling disputes (4) the romantic appeal of secret societies and conspiratorial action and (5) the appeal of martyrdom and eternal glory that is associated with it. Conflict is not an instant occurrence - something that occurs without a warning, without building up - without gestation. It is therefore necessary to take a deeper look at (a) how conflicts build up and precipitate into violent conflicts (b) the areas in which or the issues on which conflicts are most likely to arise and (c) the action that we can take to to resolve, defuse or control conflicts. We have already observed that conflicts are not instant occurrences. They build up. From where then do they commence? We observe many conflicts around us, in the world of sentient beings as well as in the world beyond what we regard as sentient. But in this analysis we are confining ourselves only to conflicts that arise between human beings or institutions fashioned by human beings. All these conflicts originate from differences in perceptions about likes or dislikes, truth or justice or rights or interests. These perceptions arise, or are formulated, in the mind; the desire or determination, to establish the ascendancy of, or to secure the acceptance, of one's perception also arises in the mind. It is the mind that lights upon or chooses or fashions the means by which one decides to assert one's perception. If it is for these reasons that we say conflicts originate in the minds of

human beings. If it is in the minds that they originate, and it is the human mind that chooses and fashions the means that are employed in conflicts, it is in the human mind that one has to grapple with problems relating to the precipitation of conflicts. It is mind that reconciles with a different perception, decides that it is not worth a conflict, or necessary pr profitable to engage in conflict to defend one's perception of another's mind. Any study of conflicts therefore has to begin by observing that (1) conflicts are not instant occurrences (2) that they commence from the perception of differences (3) that there as a perceptible process or progression which leads one from the perception of difference to intolerance; to the desire to eliminate what one cannot tolerate, to engage in conflict to secure the elimination of what one cannot tolerate, to use any means including violence to achieve victory in the conflict, to create a psychosis that justifies conflict as inevitable and necessary for the defence or victory of something that one considers sacrosanct. Thus, if conflict or violent conflict occurs as a result of conscious or unconscious escalation from differences that can be considered natural, it follows that events or changes in attitudes can intercede between one stage and another thus stalling or preventing escalation. It is this possibility which gives us the opportunity to prevent the precipitation of violent conflict, and the responsibility to discover effective methods of intercession. The purpose of intervention must be to decelerate feelings and promote introspection on (1) how the difference affects oneself or one's interests or 'rights' (2) whether escalation will bring a solution (3) what the cost of escalation will be - to the two sides, and to society at large - in the short term and in the long term

(4) whether there is a position, - perhaps an intermediate position, - that safeguards the rights or interests or views of both (5) whether one can explore and locate such a position - through dialogue - which reviews facts, and methods that have been used to arrive at conclusions (6) whether such a position can be found through mediation or arbitration, (even with a provision to review the results of arbitration after a specific period has passed, to assess effects or changes in the preparedness of both sides to engage in or resume conflict) (7) whether the nonviolent means of Satyagraha based on truth, love and awareness of the paradigms of interdependence can result in a peaceful resolution of the conflict or the creation of a new balance of the forces that support different positions, accepting nonviolent methods for reconciliation of views or interests. The agents of intercession can be (a) a concerned individual with credibility held in respect by both sides; (b) a group or organization that wants to take the initiative to protect peace and justice and to promote reconciliation; (c) a group of persons that represents a judicial initiative for intercession; (d) a governmental or inter-governmental group or organisation, depending on the grounds, and the potential scales of conflicts. Any one who wants to intervene must have the requisite credibility. Now let us examine the question whether all conflicts can be resolved or eliminated. In as much as conflicts arise from differences, and differences are natural, the potential for conflict can not be totally eliminated till all human beings have learnt to "digest" differences and abide by the modus vivendi that flows from the paradigms of interdependence, confining themselves to ends as well as means (including institutions and sanctions, that are consistent with interdependence. It may take quite some time before such a state of mind becomes universal. While the creation of such a state of mind (and institutions and sanctions that go with it should undoubtedly be our long term objective, in the immediate future we should begin by

(1) abjuring violence as an instrument of conflict; (2) progressively de-escalating, and confining ourselves to methods of dialogue, mediation, arbitration, nonviolent means that can promote introspection and logical examination of issues, paralyzing the perpetrator of injustice through massive nonco-operation, etc. There will certainly be no dearth of people who scoff at the plea for abjuring violence, especially when it comes to conflicts between nations. But with a little thought, one may see that the plea is not senseless. Firstly, it cannot be gainsaid that weapons of mass destruction have created the very real fear that war may result in the ruin, if not the extinction of the human species; that the destruction that a war might cause will not respect frontiers, will not discriminate between combatant and non-combatant, between the one who initiates and the one who responds. No one - no master of the science of warfare can predict the shape of things 'on the morning after', who survives, and whose interests or perceptions would be upheld by the corpses and ruins that will remain. Who in his senses will want to launch an enterprise - which will demand the highest price ever paid by humanity in lives and assets of all kinds - without being sure of what can be gained from the enterprise? The time has therefore come for us to look at what we can save by abjuring war, to see that we can save what we want to save only by abjuring war. Secondly, changes in weaponry and delivery systems have radically changed the nature of wars. Enormous disparities in the quantum and quality of deployable destructive power available to contending forces have resulted in revolutionary changes in tactics and strategy. Old objectives for military action have given place to new. The defence of frontiers and territories have become less important. Aggression can take place without fighting at the frontiers. All frontiers have become porous for some kinds of aggression. Infiltration, terrorism, guerilla warfare, biological and chemical warfare from secret launching pads within the country and from distant launching pads, and assassination have become the characteristics of international hostilities and warfare. Chemical and biological weapons, even nuclear weapons have become accessible to many, and the mightiest of mighty nations are finding that there is no certain or satisfactory way of overcoming their vulnerability to such attacks. The USA has seen how difficult

it is to assure the safety of its citizens and installations with the most powerful weapon systems it has at its command. If the objective of the armed forces is to ensure safety and security from external aggression, the post-September 11 scenario has exposed the near-ineffectiveness of old systems. New systems of defence will have to be evolved. President Bush talked of the way the nature of war has changed after September the 11th. Thirdly, no military system in the world today is in a position to offer a military answer or blue print to meet the demands of the new types of aggression that we are witnessing or experiencing. If the old system cannot offer an answer to the new menace or to what war has become, a new system must be found. That new system cannot be based on the notion that annihilation of the body or the infliction of vicarious suffering on those who are not guilty will lead to transformation of the mind of those who differ or end conflicts that originate and linger in the mind. The new way or system has to be able to deal with the mind itself, and that can only happen through dialogue and persuasion.

II Though all minds do not think and feel alike, the best way to understand another man's mind is through observing one's own mind. When one watches one's mind, one sees that the emotions that arise in one's mind are not permanent. They do not always have the same intensity. Sometimes, we can be in the grip of an emotion, and at the same time see how the emotion has gripped our mind and is twirling our mind around as a storm twirls a tree around. We can also see how the storm passes, and the mind or the tree slowly - sometimes quickly - settles down and experiences the calm that follows the storm. We thus see that emotions arise in our mind, but are not part of our mind. If they were part of our mind, there would have been no variations in the intensity of our emotions, no changes, no arising and no disappearance. We should learn from this that the intolerance, anger and aggressiveness that we encounter from other minds are also capable of waxing and

waning, arising and disappearing. The collective mind of groups of human beings also shares the same nature; it can be roused to a high pitch of fury, but it can also respond with equal intensity to pity or love or compassion or loyalty or devotion to ideals or to God. It may be argued that the psyche of the individual and the psyche of a collective do not always react in an identical fashion. But it is also true and we have many instances that show how they both react and can react similarly. The Indian struggle for independence under Mahatma Gandhi is replete with instances that show how similar emotions arose and worked in the mind of individuals and groups, the readiness to overcome hatred, the readiness to sacrifice one's possessions or happiness, the readiness to suffer for a cause, etc. There is sufficient evidence to demonstrate the similarity of responses to similar stimuli or to the same appeal. It is therefore possible to believe that similar stimuli and appeals may help to decelerate the momentum of negative and divisive emotions and bring it below the level of the threshold of active confrontation or conflict. One of the major reasons why Gandhi was able to do this was Gandhi's success in making people distinguish between evil and the evil doer, or the mind that holds wrong views and the views themselves, which as we have seen, are not an inherent and irremovable part of the mind. If this is a valid and verifiable distinction, we can also see the consequences of holding the two as one. Firstly, if they are the same, there is hardly any way of changing or transforming views or emotions. The problems that arise from differences can only be resolved by the physical isolation or annihilation of the other person. Given the fact that human beings think and feel differently, this would have led to a perpetual desire or effort to eliminate or contain the other. Such an attitude of mind would be inconsistent with the gregariousness or interdependence that characterize the human species. It is therefore clear that the mind of the human being, as it has evolved in the species, has to be treated and approached as distinct from the views and emotions that arise, transit, and disappear, and the distinction has to be used to deal with problems that arise from differences in views and emotions. If this is a necessity to bring about changes or compromises in the short term, it is also a necessity to preserve the integrity of human society and to protect it from the violent and destructive effects of frequent fission. Secondly, if views are unalterable and there is no way of achieving (eliciting) consent or acquiescence through persuasion and consent, social changes can be brought about, and social systems can be sustained only

through 'force', and not reason. Dictatorship then will be the natural way of governance, and suppression will be the natural way of dealing with a mind that dares to think for itself. Democracy education, bases itself on the belief that the human mind can be transformed, that views can be transformed, if not to the point of wholesale acceptance of other views and the abandonment of one's earlier views, at least to the point of acquiescence and tolerance. The next question we have to address is why is it that we insist that our views be accepted, and why do we resist the views of others? One of the most powerful factors that influences the views that we hold is our ego or the ego aspect (?) of our mind. In fact, it is very difficult to disentangle our thoughts and views from our ego. The difficulty is all the greater, and hard to overcome because the ego is subtle, and knows how to conceal itself or defend itself when challenged. It hardly ever comes into the open, and yet it can manipulate our attitudes and views effectively. Considerations of prestige, self-interest, acquisitiveness, greed, the desire to possess-possessiveness, aggrandizement, the desire to be different, etc. are all intertwined with the ego. Yet, the ego has to learn to reconcile with the egos of others if it is to be at peace with itself and others. One of the fundamental requisites of peace and harmony, therefore, is the balance between the egos and the self-perceived interests of egos in a society. How then do we explore this field and work for such a balance? Very little of the ego is accessible to empirical observation and analysis. One cannot detect the ego the workings of the ego without looking inward. It is here that the science that enquires into the inner world - religion or spiritual disciplines have helped us most and can help us. Perhaps that is why all religions have posited peace as the paramount goal of the human being and society, and talked of the relation between peace and the conquest or taming of the ego or the discovery that there is no inherent existence for the ego. That is why they have formulated ways of overcoming the distortions in the comprehension of reality that the ego manages to create. Those who want to prevent the precipitation of differences into conflicts, and those who want to intercede to find ways of reconciliation have therefore much to learn from what religions and spiritual exercises have taught us, of how to tame the mind and make it an abode of peace, and orient it towards peace and reconciliation.