Professional Documents
Culture Documents
News.Politics.Commentary
Pg. 10
Design
Kellie Duff
Publisher
Letters to the reader Dear automatic email authorization 3 Paul Blake
Opinion closed door deals in Five points development 3 paul@columbiacitypaper.com
regional School superintendent busted for soliciting sex 4 Account Executives
Mr. Meaners funny money 5 James Wallace
Statehouse report Spring is in the air with lots of things to do 5
Conservation Hotlist 6
ted rall U.S. Troops die for rapists 8
Don’t Panic! How’s that iraq war going? 9 Contributors
Ask a mexican Is Bart Simpson mexican? 19 Pg. 10 Andy Brack, Graeme Fouste, Harry S. Iarch,
Arts.Entertainment.Etc
Magdalene Kellett, Ismail Lagardien, WR Marshall,
Will Moredock, Ted Rall, Fred Richardson,
Dan Savage, Mike Serge,
Greg Slattery, Michael Spawn, Kingsley Waring
Theater 12 Q’s with Playwright George Brant 12
theater Elephant – Hang – Erwin – Tennessee 12
Soundboard punk/indie/emo/ska/hardcore/metal/rock 14 Quote of the Issue
City Paper pick 14 “I’m really looking forward to replacing that mold-
rock and roll crosswords puzzle was a rolling stone 15 ing downstairs. ...God, what happened to my life?”
ARTS the unsung art of book design 16
jonesin crosswords Freakin’ A 18 On The Cover:
18 Ruby L. Ziemern,
Sudoku More Puzzles a retail seller at the market
Savage love Adult sex advice 19 on Bluff Road
Pg. 13
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Letters to the
Closed door deals
Reader in Five Points construction project
City delays vote, ousts opposing zoning official
Dear dog,
I hate to say it, boy, but you kinda acted like
There is no the exact date when H.R. Developers retained ly, the developers were in town and cleared their
a jerk when I passed out on your jumbo-sized
dog bed the other evening after the Rosewood need for citizens to Lewis as counsel isn’t necessarily a big deal; schedules for that meeting.) The association then
Crawfish Festival. It just looked so billowy and attend a public hear- Lewis doesn’t remember when he was retained, conducted a board member vote endorsing the
comfortable and after a few plastic pitchers, I ing at the Columbia either. When City Paper spoke to Lewis by phone Walgreen’s project, despite the structure being 40
Board of Zoning on April 24, he was friendly and was happy to percent larger than the guidelines they set forth in
reasoned that the responsible thing to do as a pet
Appeals meeting on talk about H.R. Developers, whom he described the master plan, despite an unassuming Rite Aid
owner would be to test it out for lumps and hard May 12; the deci- as “friends of mine” and thanked City Paper for two blocks from the proposed site and despite the
spots. I did it for you. And how did you thank sion to build a pro- letting him know about the new May 12 hear- fact that an oversized corporate drug mart is any-
me? You went whining to my wife who woke posed Walgreen’s ing date. He said he had been in Lynchburg, Va. thing but “local,” “funky,” or “eclectic.” Former
me up and shooed me off, so you could lay on store has already watching baseball for four days. He never men- FPA president and Future Five development mas-
it. After all those times I let you sneak up on the been made and a tioned Charleston. termind, Dennis Hiltner, and former city council-
couch! ...You cut me deep, boy. longtime zoning of- Does this sound like someone that had woman, Anne Sinclair, also attended the closed-
Columbia City Paper ficial was quietly something very important to offer at the zoning door board meeting.
Opinion by Paul Blake ushered out of the hearing? Or, was Fuller instructed to intention- Why did H.R. wait until the week of April
equation to make sure ally namedrop Lewis in order to delay the vote 20 – the week after their April 14 BoZA hearing
Dear coworkers, it all goes as planned. so it will pass without Barczak there to ask ques- – to schedule a summit meeting and vote with
What’s with all the hand sanitizer and Citizens who showed up to protest the devel- tions? To say nothing of the frustrated citizens the FPA to shore up support? Wouldn’t they have
Lysol? Is there some kind of virus going around opment may recall being turned away at the April who were turned away; some of whom may not wanted that cheerleading section at the original
or something? 14 BoZA hearing when an attorney for H.R. De- be able to return to voice concern over the proj- hearing? Unless they had planned to miss the
Columbia City Paper velopers asked for a deferral on their case. H.R. ect. April 14 meeting all along and were laying out
Developers is spearheading development on the Despite his motion being shot down, both their plan of action for May 12. And if that’s the
Dear automatic email authorization request, former Kenny’s Auto site in Five Points and Barczak and board member, Patrick Hubbard, case, who else in the room at that FPA meeting
I apologize for this automatic reply to your currently owns the land. Attorney Robert Fuller tried to get the public on the record on April 14, was in on it?
stated that H.R.’s principle attorney, Camden to no avail. But, FPA support or no, with Barczak out of
automatic email response. To control spam, you
Lewis, had “a conflict in Charleston today and is “I think we owe it to the public for at least the way for the first time in five years, the deal is
evidently only allow incoming messages from not present.” H.R. president, Stan Harpe was also a comment or a question,” Barczak said. “There as good as done.
senders you approve beforehand, despite the “out of town,” Fuller said. are what? Twenty-five people out there—” “I have not received an explanation on why
fact that we all suffer your quips when you hit Board member, Chris Barczak, motioned to “—We also owe it to the public to follow I was not re-appointed,” Barczak told City Paper.
“Reply All.” the deny the request for deferral citing the fact procedure and rules of order,” BoZA Chairwom- “I did have a reputation of occasionally voting
See, I’m not quite sure if I would like to be that Camden Lewis wasn’t listed on the applica- an, Elizabeth Webber-Akre interjected. against both the prevailing opinion of the board
added to your list of approved senders and don’t tion and that Fuller, himself, was listed as the only When Barczak made a further comment and staff recommendations. It is unfortunate that
have time to fill out the short request form (see registered agent on the H.R. application. Fuller about the developer’s last-minute deferral, Web- a healthy debate of issues is not encouraged.”
link below) just so you can share in my reply to has been representing the company in front of the ber-Akre sighed audibly into her microphone. It’s a shame that zoning officials can’t be
board for months. After some back and forth, the “With all due respect, Mr. Barczak, most deferral elected. Instead, they’re hand-picked by devel-
the list of Fail Blog photos our mutual acquain-
board voted Barczak’s motion down and the citi- requests that we get are last minute,” she said. opment friendly city council members –one of
tance emailed us at work. Though I’m halfway zens who had amassed there to protest filed out “There is an unforeseen conflict and they typi- whom, Daniel Rickenmann, received campaign
curious to see if I’d make the cut, I fill out too of the chamber. cally occur just like this when we are here for the donations from a fundraising party Stan Harpe’s
many applications already, so: “delete.” I apolo- It sounds pretty bubble gum on the surface, regularly scheduled hearing.” wife hosted in his honor and whose real estate
gize for this one-time inconvenience. until you consider a few key facts. Chris Barc- “With all due respect,” Barczak countered, dealings with Kenneth Hooks of Kenny’s Auto
Columbia City Paper zak –known to be tough on developers and who “the applicant knew exactly when this meeting after H.R. Developers purchased the site raised
had serious questions eyebrows during the last
Dear Senate Judiciary Committee, about the Walgreen’s “ the applicant knew exactly when this meeting was , municipal election. In a
We just heard that a Southerner has been project—had not been scheduled themselves and subjected the public to take fun twist of bureaucratic
reappointed by city of- irony, last year newly-
tapped to take Sen. Arlen Specter’s spot as
the ranking Republican on the committee.
ficials to serve on the their time off and now at the last minute is canceling .”
elected city council
Generally, conservatives from this region make
board for another term
(despite five years of - former zoning board member chris barczak member, Belinda Ger-
gel, asked city council to
us all look like throwbacks to the days of lunch service and a desire to remain as a sitting board was, scheduled themselves and subjected the delay voting on a proposed city-funded parking
counter sit-ins and water cannons. But, seeing as member). The April 14 BoZA hearing was Bar- public to take their time off and now at the last component of the H.R. Developers project until
it’s the 21st Century and all, and in the spirit of czak’s last meeting, thus he won’t be present for minute is canceling.” she took Anne Sinclair’s vacated seat. Ricken-
the GOP trying to reinvent itself, surely Sen. Jeff the May 12 vote on the project. “But the primary function of this board is mann told the State Newspaper on April 28, 2008
Sessions from Alabama will approach President One might also note that Stan Harpe and to hear the applicant and the applicants applica- that he thought Anne Sinclair should be the one
his associates have been in high level talks with tion,” Webber-Akre replied. to cast the vote: “If there is any delay,” he said,
Obama’s Supreme Court nominee with –wait,
city officials since at least 2007, have sunk mil- “The applicant,” Barczak said, nodding to- “it will be because of problems with the contract,
what? His middle name is actually Beauregard? lions of dollars into a property that has so far ward Fuller, “is here today.” not because one person who hasn’t been part of
Well, you can’t judge a person by that. Certainly only grown weeds and have seen the Five Points Shortly thereafter, the board agreed to defer the process wants to delay it.”
the Senator –Oh, in 1986, his nomination to be a Association (FPA) petition the city to create a the H.R. Developers application until May 12, by By that logic, shouldn’t Chris Barczak have
district court judge was voted down by the very new zoning classification specifically for large a vote of 6-1. been allowed to cast a vote on the Walgreen’s
committee on which he now serves because as scale Five Points development –the Walgreen’s Barczak, so far, has been the only zoning of- project while the acting and registered agent for
a U.S. attorney he tried to prosecute African projects MX-1 zoning category didn’t exist until ficial to vote based on the guidelines presented in the development company stood before him, in-
Americans for voter fraud, including a former the FPA began pushing for it in 2005 (it was ap- the Five Points master plan, developed by Quack- stead of being forced to unnecessarily –and un-
aide to Martin Luther King, Jr.? Not only did an proved by unanimous vote last year). One might enbush Architects and Planners and the FPA. To ethically—delay the vote and hand it over to his
further note that H.R. Developers bought the date, the merchant’s association has spent tens of new replacement?
African American assistant U.S. attorney testify Kenny’s site on April 10, 2007; nearly two years thousands of dollars to develop the master plan Maybe if elected and not hand picked by
that Sessions once called him “boy,” and warned to the day from the April 14 zoning hearing. Yet, and untold man-hours selling it to city hall and city council the zoning board could provide
him about how he talked to white people, but after investing all that time, money and effort, defending it in neighborhood meetings. So how some checks and balances and be accountable to
a former Justice Dept. official testified that he Stan Harpe happens to be out of town when it do they feel about the Walgreen’s project? After concerned business owners and property own-
called a white civil rights lawyer a “disgrace comes time for an important BoZA vote? Sud- all, what would a closed-door real estate deal ers who take the time to attend hearings, if any
to his race.” And, this happened in the friggin’ denly a key H.R. Developers attorney takes a day in Five Points be without the FPA? That’s like bother to take the time to attend again.
1980s?! trip to Charleston in the middle of the week? sunburn with no itch, a crowded elevator with no
Well, never mind... Thankfully, at least According to Camden Lewis, the absent at- fart. Todd Morehead contributed to this article
he’s not from South Carolina. torney in question, he wasn’t even aware of the Well, never fear: the week following the talkback@columbiacitypaper.com
zoning meeting on April 14. April 14 BoZA deferral, representatives of the
Columbia City Paper And the fact that Fuller couldn’t remember FPA quietly met with H.R. Developers. (Strange-
May 7, 2009 3
Mr. Meaner’s
CRIME WATCH
Subjects are innocent until proven guilty, this is not a court of law
found the bloodied victim casually attempting to
go about his evening. The victim claimed an un-
known “crackhead” walked onto the premises and
sliced him. Responding officers reported that the
victim couldn’t give a description of his attacker
and that his story continually changed, possibly
due to his level of intoxication.
2400 block, Elmwood Ave.
29204
Police got more that they bargained for when they
Compiled by Todd Morehead
responded to a 9-1-1 call and found a man threat-
AIKEN called authorities when they witnessed a known ening to kill himself with a steak knife. When they
inhalant abuser buy a can of carburetor cleaner 29203
Sometimes your schooldays come back to haunt finally calmed him, authorities learned that there
North Augusta visitors welcomed by new and take it around to the back of the building. was a bench warrant for his arrest. That news
you, especially with bullies having access to
parkway, porn shop Employees said they found the 29-year-old reportedly drove the man berserk and, despite a
MapQuest these days. A 23-year-old man told po-
Moncks Corner woman passed out behind lice he was sitting on his front porch enjoying the healthy dose of pepper spray, he attacked the offi-
The city of North Augusta has opened a their store a few weeks earlier from huffing the afternoon when a guy he hadn’t seen since school cers, jumped off a second story balcony and loped
brand new $225,000 tree-lined and landscaped cleaner. When police arrived on scene they said walked onto his porch, said, “I’ve been looking away into the woods. Strange what a full moon
interchange between the Palmetto Parkway and the woman had the can to her mouth and re- for you” and punched him in the mouth before will do.
U.S. Hwy. 1. Aside from the new “Welcome” ported a strong smell of fumes in the air. The turning and walking away. 1700 block, Carniege St.
sign, a grandfathered-in 6,000 square foot sex woman was arrested with unlawful use of aro-
shop currently greets motorists. matic hydrocarbons. 29203 29210
A woman told police she was standing near an In this cutthroat job market, one Columbia man
The Marital Aide Educational Video
apartment complex when an Oldsmobile careened could teach a seminar on exactly what not to do
Art Center and Museum (a.k.a. MAE Video), DILLON when applying for a job. For starters, if applying
though surrounded on all sides by the City of through the parking lot, bounced over the curb
and struck her, pinning her legs under the front for a job at K-Mart, don’t casually remark that
North Augusta, sits on land that hasn’t been Police investigate school threat made you just served seven years in prison for mur-
bumper. The driver then allegedly put the car
officially annexed and therefore isn’t subject on Facebook der as you’re filling out the application. It’s also
in reverse, backed off her legs and drove away,
to city zoning laws. MAE CEO John McMil- leaving her with only minor injuries. Police later probably a bad idea for a prospective employer
lan, told the Aiken Standard that he hopes his Dillon and Latta police are investigating a found the vehicle but no driver. to witness your wife stuffing hair straightener and
store’s proximity to the new Palmetto Parkway vague threat a man made against area school- 100 block, Ripplemeyer Ave. roughly $130 worth of other products into a baby
will increase business. The store recently in- teachers on his Facebook page. stroller, before walking out without paying. If you
stalled large picture windows to display linge- Authorities said Curt Alford, of Dillon, 29204 can master those two job-seeking skills, it’s all up
rie-clad mannequins in various poses and are was apparently set off by a USA Today report Having honked her car horn at a man who cut her hill from there.
also reportedly discounting select DVDs. on a U.S. Supreme Court case that arose when off in traffic, a woman says she was shocked to see 99 block, Arrowood Rd.
Arizona school administrators strip-searched him raise a gun in her direction and yell, “Bitch,
what now?” just like they do in Menace II Society. 29212
ANDERSON a 13-year-old female student after a classmate
The wankster then reportedly went on a scream- Rugged Warehouse employees reported a man
accused her of possessing prescription strength who attempted to buy merchandise with a phony
School superintendent busted for so- ibuprofen pills. In response, Alford posted a ing tirade about how he should “put a bullet in her
head” for honking her car horn. When the man $100 bill. The counterfeiter fled in a “champagne”
liciting sex in a public park comment on his Facebook page suggesting colored Ford Escort before police arrived, accord-
finally accelerated in front of her the woman took
celebration of area schools being burned down ing to a report. More shocking than a man trying
down his tag number and called the cops.
A former Anderson Co. school superin- with the teachers inside. 2600 block, Two Notch to pass off fake currency: a Rugged Warehouse
tendent has been charged with soliciting an So far, no charges have been filed. employee describing any color as “champagne.”
immoral act, after an undercover police offi- 29204 200 block, Harbison Blvd.
cer engaged him in a public park. Police say ROCK HILL Waking up after a raging party and not being able
the officer approached Gary L. Burgess, 51, as to find your keys is bad enough. Add a nasty razor 29212
he stood near a lake in Darwin Wright Park in Animal shelter still reeling after in- blade gash and no real recollection of who put it Meanwhile, on the mean streets of Irmo, a blonde
Anderson, an area where “immoral acts” are toxicated man broke in and terrorized cats there and you’ve got a hangover day for the ages. haired, blue-eyed teen girl was busted for stealing
Responding to reports of a drunken man who a pair of flip flops from Old Navy. Reppin’ 2-1-2!
known to occur, according to an incident re-
had been cut with a razor blade at a party, police 140 block, Harbison Blvd.
port. The officer alleges that Burgess solicited Four cats are missing and nearly 100 more
a lewd act during their ensuing conversation. are still reportedly spooked after a drunken
Burgess confirmed he was at the park but has Rock Hill man allegedly smashed through the
refused to comment further and has plans to front doors of the cage-free St. Francis Animal
hire a lawyer. Rescue Center and began breaking windows
Burgess had just been tapped to take over last month. Police arrested Rodney James, 38,
as superintendent of Hampton County School of Rock Hill in connection with the break-in.
District 2 in the Lowcountry. The shelter has so far received $2,500 in
charitable donations to help replace damaged
CHARLESTON bedding and other materials and to help with
the vet bill of a cat injured by flying glass in
Fed up auto parts store reports custom- the incident.
Map courtesy of Free Times
er huffing carburetor cleaner on premises
4 May 7, 2009
By Andy Brack
803.252.6931
May 7, 2009 5
Conservation Hotlist
6 May 7, 2009
Ted Rall
U.S. Troops Die For Rapists
American soldiers serving The new law requires women
in Vietnam wondered what they to have sex with their husbands at
were fighting for. U.S. troops in least once every four days unless they
Afghanistan don’t have that prob- are sick or menstruating. “Obedience,
lem. They know exactly what they’re readiness for intercourse and not leav-
fighting for: rapists. ing the house without the permission
After President Obama’s coming of the husband are the duties of the
“Afghan surge” there will be 72,000 wife,” reads the law of a nation osten-
soldiers in Afghanistan. Their pri- sibly invaded by U.S. troops in part
mary mission is to prevent Afghans to liberate Afghan women. “As long
from overthrowing the unpopular as the husband is not traveling, he has
regime of Hamid Karzai, the former oil consul- the right to have sexual intercourse with his
tant installed by George W. Bush when the U.S. wife every fourth night,” it says.
occupation began nearly eight years ago. Afghan Senator Humaira Namati calls the
America’s media repeatedly claimed that rape bill “worse than during the Taliban” and
Afghan women would be better off under said it was rammed through parliament without
the U.S.-supported Northern Alliance puppet debate. “Anyone who spoke out was accused
government headed by Karzai than under the of being against Islam,” she said. Several hun-
Taliban. But when I went to Afghanistan and dred women protesting the law on the streets
asked women what they thought, they had of Kabul were viciously assaulted by men as
a different story. The defeat of the Taliban police stood back and watched.
brought about the collapse of law and order, In fairness to the responsible male legisla-
making life even more dangerous, especially tors, they did add a provision to protect Shiite
for women. “Under the Taliban,” a woman told women from “dead bed”: Afghan men have to
me, “I watched rapists being executed. Now I put out “at least once every four months.”
see them in the government.” Karzai signed legalized rape into law in
The Afghan women’s rights group RAWA order to appease right-wing legislators in an
has repeatedly told anyone willing to listen election year. After international criticism,
that there hasn’t been much improvement for however, he began backpedaling with the lam-
women and girls since the U.S. occupation est of all possible reasons: he didn’t read the
began in 2001. But no one--least of all left-of- bill before he was for it.
center Americans eager to embrace the Afghan “I was not aware of what I had signed,”
war--has wanted to hear what they had to say. Afghan parliamentarian Sabrina Saqib said
“Most women still wear the all-encompass- Karzai told her. The legislation “has so many
ing burqa through fear of attack and social articles,” Karzai told CNN. “Now I have
pressure, a third of women in Kabul do not instructed, in consultation with clergy of the
leave the house, forbidden from doing so by country, that the law be revised and any article
the male members of the family, and it is still that is not in keeping with the Afghan constitu-
almost impossible for women to get a divorce,” tion and Islamic Sharia must be removed from
reported The Sunday Herald in 2005. this law.”
Jimmy Senn of Senn Brothers Produce stands on the loading dock in front of his business.
Senn is more optimistic about the State Farmer’s Market relocation than some vendors. May 7, 2009 11
www.colatheater.com
Elephant-Hang
Erwin-Tennessee “By the pricking of my
thumbs/
Something wicked this
way comes.”
Attend the slaughter
of the pachyderm/
doesn’t exist only in the presence of clowns, strong men
and escapologists. All you need is a muddy, forgotten
town in backwater Tennessee, plus a little boredom, as
the Steam Shovel Operator character declares. And a
piece of watermelon. And a man with red hair. And
a railroad crane. And, of course, an elephant named
12 ?’s with
S.M. Baleen
Playwright George Brant holds an MFA
from the James A. Michener Center for
Sit in your seat and Mary. The rest is for you to experience. Writers in Austin, Texas. His scripts have
uncomfortably squirm. Thousands of plays focus on the problem of evil. been produced in Chicago, New York, Los
Few stand out. What makes “Elephant’s Graveyard” Angeles and Austin. His most recent play,
A theater critic is worthy of your cash and consideration is that playwright “Elephant’s Graveyard,” received the David
not supposed to choose Brant has reached back in time—way back—to deliver Mark Cohen National Playwriting Award
a title for a review based a story in the fashion of a Greek chorus Whack- from the Kennedy Center and the Keene
upon a Google search a-Mole. Circus performers, railroad workers and Prize for Literature. The professional pre-
By by S.M. Baleen which was executed townsfolk—brilliantly spaced throughout the entire
while researching the theater by director Richmond—orate the tale mostly in mier of “Elephant’s Graveyard” opens at
review. (Hint: do the search!) A theater critic also does third-person snippets. The story of an elephant being Trustus Theatre on May 1, with a scheduled
not typically begin a review with lines of poetry. The lynched by Southern rednecks is of course compelling, production run of May 1-23. Brant currently
only thing worse than these two offenses would be to but there is incredible depth in experiencing the story resides in Providence, Rhode Island.
start off with a ridiculously cliché statement, such as, “If via the divergent voices and perspectives of a Clown, a
you’re going to see any show this decade, make sure it’s Preacher, a Railroad Engineer, a Ringmaster, a Hungry
(1) If your current production were an animal, (6) Put in order from favorite to least favorite:
‘Elephant’s Graveyard’ at Trustus Theatre.” Townsperson, etc.
what would it be? Shakespeare, Eugene O’Neill, Sophocles, Arthur
Google searches and lines of poetry and cliché Brant also avoids depicting evil for evil’s sake,
mandates aside: Get off your keister and go see which is the stuff of slasher movies. He brilliantly
Miller, Neil Simon, Julie Taymor.
“Elephant’s Graveyard” at Trustus Theatre. NOW! and wisely includes a moment of redemption—human GB: I’ll assume that’s a trick question and say
Imagine you had been in Los Angeles in 1990 and absolution, actually—at the hands (or trunks) of Mary monkey. GB: I may have already tipped my hand:
had passed on a chance to see a workshop production of the elephant’s reverent, big-eared friends. One can only Shakespeare, Arthur Miller, Eugene O’Neill,
a new play, “Millennium Approaches,” by a relatively hope such a moment of redemption actually happened (2) What’s your favorite character in any play? Sophocles, Julie Taymor, Neil Simon.
unknown playwright named Tony Kushner. Hmm. on that tragic autumn day in 1916. Otherwise, humanity
Ever heard of “Angels in America”? might simply be the sum of its ivory investments. GB: Have to go with Shakespeare: a three-way (7) Drug or relaxant of choice?
This is that kind of show. “Elephant’s Graveyard,” Technical Highlights: Director Richmond and tie between Hamlet, King Lear and Richard II.
the latest play by up-and-coming, Rhode Island-based set designer Samantha Hayford deserve standing GB: Sleep.
drama bard George Brant, is ovations for their creative use of the
an anti-“Our Town” theatrical most challenging theater space in (3) If you could climb into a time machine and (8) What Columbia theater has the most comfort-
masterpiece that will doubtless Columbia—including transforming see any play ever produced, what would it be? able seats?
become a staple of American the Trustus dressing room into a
theater. And the professional visible, “moving” circus train. Also, GB: “Hamlet.” I’d love to see how it was origi- GB: Trustus.
debut of this show is right here in the fourth wall is abandoned and nally received. Were people blown away, or did
River City—I mean, Columbia. replaced with seats at the center of the they leave muttering, “Not as good as his last (9) What’s your favorite curse word?
How often are we the first big top. Just watch out that the circus one”?
to do anything around here other members and townsfolk don’t steal GB: Motherflipper. Or monkeyfeather.
than start civil wars and refuse your popcorn or sneak a sip of your (4) What would it take to get you naked on stage?
federal stimulus funding? Go see adult beverage! Hayford’s set design (Keep in mind that our interviewers never carry (10) Does this questionnaire make you feel like
this show! is vivid and engaging, including the using your favorite curse word?
more than $50 cash at any one time.)
A masterpiece throws your big top entrance and a mechanical
bearings off. So pardon me these wheel tribute to Chaplin’s “Modern GB: Everything makes me want to say mother-
GB: Funny you should ask; that’s actually how flipper.
previous paragraphs. I’m going Times.” Valerie Pruett’s period I’m planning on conducting the post-show Q&A
to take a shot of bourbon, smoke costuming (the Ringmaster seems to at Trustus.
a few cigarettes, then return to have emerged from a time machine!) (11) ** BONUS QUESTION ** Anything else
my desk and settle down for some and Joe Laney’s lighting (crafting to say?
(5) What live theatrical production most changed GB: I’d like to thank Trustus for taking a chance
serious criticism. moments of the play as a sepia
your life? with “Elephant’s Graveyard.” There were other
Playwright Brant is the first photograph) help to make this one
person to admit that at least some of the most sensuous productions in theaters that liked the play, but they were ulti-
of the credit for his dramatic study Columbia since Workshop Theatre’s GB: Seeing a high school production of “My Fair mately intimidated by the size and subject matter.
in evil goes to the real citizens of Erwin, Tennessee, “Ragtime.” Attendees will also be entertained by a Lady” when I was 10. Those people were gods. But Trustus believed in it and wanted to give it
who in September 1916 lynched a circus elephant after special “making of” documentary which leads off the a home.
it killed its professional rider. According to research performance.
Brant conducted during the scripting of his tale, “It was Cast Member Highlights: Michael Downey marks
fascinating to find out how starved for entertainment his Trustus debut as the Ringmaster with an exquisitely-
these small towns were, and how life as they knew it crafted blend of medieval mancer and snake oil slickster. (Drayton Hall)
completely stopped when the circus came to town.” Alec Grooms as the sad, shovel-trickster Clown is to be
(Especially life for elephants.) congratulated for a perfect, Cagney-esque “you dirty Mother Courage and Her Children (April 17-
Aware it had a Ringling Brothers, three-ring script rat” accent. Jabar Hankins is Remusean as Erwin’s 26) ** article in current CCP **
on its hand, Trustus enlisted the theatrical top hat of sole voice of soul, the Hungry Townsperson. Thespian
Robert Richmond, an English director of Aquila Theatre youngsters Mary Tilden as the Young Townsperson and
(Lab Theatre)
(NYC) fame and currently a visiting theatre faculty Bobby Bloom as the Steam Shovel Operator steal many
member at the University of South Carolina. Beyond moments of the show with dynamic portrayals in minor
his artistic renown, Richmond is something of an expert roles, always remaining in character even when the Iphigenia and Other Daughters (April 23-26)
in elephant theater. During the Bush Administration, he spotlight isn’t upon them. (Especial kudos to Bloom ** article in current CCP **
directed a production of “Much Ado About Nothing” at for acting like whiskey has a sharp bite! I don’t know
the White House which reportedly left even a certain how many times I’ve seen actors chug liquor as if it Town Theater [box office: 799.2510]
“misunderestimated” GOP pachyderm rolling in the tasted like lemonade. Also, Columbia seems to have Trustus Theater [box office: 254.9732]
aisle. discovered its very own spitfire Punky Brewster in (main stage) Guys and Dolls (May 8-30) ** review in 5-20
When asked about the circus as a symbolic vehicle Tilden.) Other performances of note include Jonathan CCP **
of evil, Richmond clicks off a slew of descriptors in an Jackson as the headsman Railroad Engineer and Trustus Elephant’s Graveyard (May 1-23) ** article in
unassuming Hastings accent. “Certainly that is the veteran Robin Gottlieb as the “PMS Laura Ingalls 5-6 CCP ** Workshop Theater [box office: 799.4876]
perception of the circus in England. Gypsies who are Wilder” Muddy Townsperson. Due to the dynamic
going to steal your babies. Horse rustlers. Tribe of nature of the “Elephant’s Graveyard” script, the story (black box) Moonlight & Magnolias (May 15-30) ** article
outcasts.” A pause. “Then again, they do love show cannot—and does not—suffer a weak link in the in 5-20 CCP **
business.” The slightest of smiles from the thespian storytelling chain. Fat Pig (April 17-19, 22-25) ** article on
veteran who has “spent a night in every hotel room Elephant’s Graveyard runs May 1-23 at Trustus colatheater.com ** Chapin Community Theater [box office:
in the country” as a member of one theater troupe or Theatre. The big top opens nightly at 8 p.m. Tickets 345.6181]
another. range from $15-$22.50. For more information, call the University of South Carolina [box office:
However, as the struggling Sparks’ Circus box office at 254.9732 or visit www.trustus.org. [Please 777.2551] Enchanted April (May 7 - May 23)
discovered nearly a century ago, human malevolence do not feed the elephants popcorn or boiled peanuts.]
12 May 7, 2009
THURSDAY MAY 7 Koger Center Hurt Thee Mad Frogs
Wild Wing Café – Vista Gordon Lightfoot Enter the Era Kenley Young
MacDougall’s U Phonik Shotgun Opera Restoration
Gabriel Marshall MONDAY MAY 11
Utopia New Brookland Tavern Mac’s on Main
New Brookland Tavern The Blue Iguanas New Brookland Tavern Tent Revival Daddy Blue Band
There For Tomorrow Pretty & Nice Steven Fiore
Versa Emerge SATURDAY MAY 9 Kid Trails The Brisbones New Brookland Tavern
Sent By Ravens The Choir Quit 5:30pm Door
O’Verona Art Bar Sudworks Taphouse Akronim
The Baldness TUESDAY MAY 12 Picture Me Free With Reckless Abandon
Sudworks Taphouse Zach & The Red Wagon Cletus Baltimore The Revived
The Supervillans The Thirsties New Brookland Tavern The Dirty Lowdown 9:00pm Door
5th Generation American Aquarium Face Down
The Reason You’re Listening Headliners The Baldness Utopia Into The Depths
The Wicked Felinas Kevin Harrison Juice Undefined
Utopia The Public Speakers Bloodline
Frederick Ingram Mac’s on Main WEDNESDAY MAY 13 Wild Wing Café – Vista Order By Corruption
Wild Wing Café – Vista The Soul Patrol Mighty McFly
Tokyo Joe Headliners Sudworks Taphouse
New Brookland Tavern Red Jumpsuit Apparatus FRIDAY MAY 15 The Randall Cutt Band
FRIDAY MAY 8 Havoc Din Framing Hanley
The Predecessor Go Radio Headliners Utopia
Headliners Empires Fit for Rivals Motley Crude Doug & Mike
Rehab Fight This War Mac’s on Main Stillhouse
People in Planes Fate To Be Determined New Brookland Tavern Johnny Marshall Blues Band
Veara
Mac’s on Main Sudworks Taphouse A Newborn Thriller New Brookland Tavern Wild Wing Café – Vista
Natural Desire Band Justice Jam The Bitter Suite Magnetic Flowers” Tokyo Joe
Kids Of Survival Lake Inferior
New Brookland Tavern Wild Wing Café – Vista Latin For Truth Sudworks Taphouse SUNDAY MAY 17
530pm Door The Petty Thieves Lefty at the Washout
Liferuiner Sudworks Taphouse New Brookland Tavern
The World We Knew Utopia Jason Isbell & The 400 Unit Utopia Sent By Ravens
Your Chance To Die Tough Mama Red Cortez & Brian Conner Cletus Baltimore Aprils Fall
Tyrants Of Deception Doubting Benefit
9:00pm Door SUNDAY MAY 10 Utopia Wild Wing Café – Vista Aviary Fire
Da Cold War Total Denial Hipstack Ocean Is Theory
Headliners
Sudworks Taphouse Cross Canadian Ragweed THURSDAY MAY 14 SATURDAY MAY 16
Blackberry Smoke Johnathan Tyler & The North-
American Gun ern Lights Headliners Art Bar
ATLANTA, GA AUGUSTA, GA
14 May 7, 2009
ROCK N’ ROLL
CROSSWORDS
“PUZZLE WAS A ROLLING STONE”
Across musician’s career Foxx role
1. Primus ‘Frizzle __’ 55. What Alice Cooper told 28. Deadhead t-shirt ‘Tie-__’
4. Tori us to raise in 87’ 29. Green Day ‘Words I
8. What Pete Townshend’s 58. This Land Is __ Land Might Have __’
‘Love’ did to the door 60. What Pink didn’t want her 30. New Zealanders ‘__
12. Three piece band man to do on the ‘Funhouse’ Patrol’
13. One of the Stones? album 31. Right ___ Fred
14. Weak NIN song? 62. A band with perfect 32. “Lean __ __, when you’re
16. ‘Running Up That __’ chemistry not strong” (2 wds)
Kate Bush 64. Moby song off ‘Hotel’ 33. What happens to
17. Guns ‘Pretty ___ Up’ 66. Ben Folds Five ‘Whatever everything in heavy metal
18. Van Morrison ‘Full ___ And Ever __’ songs
Gale’ 67. “And the rockets red ___” 34. ‘Simple’ pop punk band
19. Infant songs, perhaps? 68. Cult classic off ‘Sonic 35. He wasn’t too ‘Suave’
21. The ‘Nancy’ Relient K Temple’ 36. ‘Have You __ Really
love 69. Monthly enemy for Loved A Woman’
23. What a junkie rocker does unsigned band 37. Had hit ‘Believe’ in 93’
24. Ray Charles ‘What’d I __’ 70. Eddie Cochran 40. Crimson __ Clover
25. Backstage ‘Something __’ 41. Where all stars want to
27. Violent Femmes ‘__ It Up’ 71. Ozzy ‘No __ For The hang?
29. Parsons Wicked’ 43. Stevie’s ‘Songs In The __
30. What Sugar Ray just 72. ___ Lobos Of Life’
wanted to do 44. Independent music (hint,
31. Stormtroopers Of Death Down hint)
34. What most female rock 1. Sang ‘I Know There’s 45. Horton Heat?
stars are Something Going On’ 46. Swedish metal band
37. Stevie Wonders’ ‘Sir’ 2. Blackstreet’s ringleader 49. Maiden’s (!) Steve
38. Difranco ‘Teddy __’ 50. Robbie Williams ‘Meet
39. Perfomances Ashley 3. __ __ Tengo (2 wds) The __’
Simpson fakes 4. Barenaked Ladies ‘The Old 51. Leathery band from UK?
40. ‘Moon Safari’ French duo __’, for short 52. ‘Word Up’ R&Bsters
41. Dark Side Of The Moon 5. Iron ____ 53. ‘Into The __’ Blessed
classic 6. ‘Tommy’ is called a rock Death
42. Mr. Frehley one 54. Woodstock necessity
43. Elvis 7. She warned us about a 55. Letterman’s drummer
45. Type of piano, or scholar ‘Smooth Operator’ Anton __
47. Mr Charles (!) ‘Hide __ 8. ‘Kiss You __’ Scissor 56. Monty Python member
Hair Sisters and funny song guy Eric
48. Part of the ‘Line’ 9. Parents when their punk 57. Got kissed ‘From A Rose’
Traveling Wilburys were kid finally makes it 59. “Final” Jimmy Eat World
going to 10. What improv musicians jam
49. Uriah ___ need to have 61. ‘Slick’ Bowie guitarist
50. Pink Floyd’s original 11. ‘Wouldn’t It Be __’ 63. Tommy, Arthur, Scratch
frontman 12. Huey Lewis ‘If __ Is It’ Perry
51. Ace’s (!) Dynasty tune ‘__ 15. Guitar pioneer Les 65. “B-b-b-baby you just ain’t
Your Love’ 20. Pepa’s sidekick seen nothing __”
52. Used between floor and 22. ‘I __ The Line’
bed parts of struggling 26. Oscar winning Jamie
Rock and roll crosswords are created by Todd Santos © 2009 rockandrollcrosswords.com May 7, 2009 15
Arts
Magical
books
Judit Trunkos artists from all over the nation.
McMaster Gallery celebrates the often “Intimate Curiosities,” part of the third
unsung art of book design with “Intimate SABA conference at USC, includes Victorian
Curiosities: 2009 Southeast Association for pop-up books in a collapsible cases with wood
Book Arts National Juried Exhibition,” on dis- covers and mica pages (a material designed
play through May 29. The exhibition includes for lamp shades). Also exhibited are origamic
thirty-seven works from the traditions of paper- book structures and flexagons.
making, letterpress, and bookbinding to non- In an age when printed media seems to be
traditional art making and self-publishing tech- dying a slow death at the hands of the Internet,
niques that celebrate the book as a vibrant con- it is refreshing that an organization and an
temporary art form. The juried exhibition drew exhibit celebrate the art and conservation of
book-artists from all over the country. Visitors printmaking and books. Undoubtedly, visitors
will be treated to anything from altered books will view the books on their own shelves in
to broadsides and all art inspired by books or a new way and may take an extra moment to
typography in between. appreciate the amount of craftsmanship and art
The Southeast Association for Book Arts needed to assemble a simple and age-old form
(SABA) was founded in 2004 at the University that is often taken for granted.
of South Carolina by members of the Art and “Intimate Curiosities: 2009 Southeast
English departments. Later faculty from the Association for Book Arts National Juried
School of Journalism and the Honors College Exhibition” is part of a three-day long SABA
joined the cause with the specific goal in mind Conference featuring speakers and workshops
to promote book artists, scholars, researchers, from May 10-14. To learn more about the con-
historians and aficionados through the interac- ference visit http://www.southeastbookarts.org.
tion and intersection of the practice, study and Opening reception will be held at McMaster
patronage of the book. The first and second Gallery on May 12 from 5-7 p.m.
conferences were huge successes drawing book
16 May 7, 2009
Greetings!!! Much love to everyone out there. Show)
Hope you’ve been well. Hip Hop keeps roll- My Dad’s Gone Crazy- Great to hear the sub-
ing…Officer Ricky got him another # 1 album ject of many of his songs, Hailie, finally on
despite his lack of authenticity, Bow Wow has tape. (Eminem Show)
retired, and Marshall Mathers aka Eminem aka Shake That- Ladies love a great club joint
The Great White Hope is back to business. (Eminem Show)
Make sure The Relapse is in your deck. Let’s Forget About Dre- Banging Collabo with Dr.
get it!!!! Dre (Chronic 2001)
Renegade- Jay Z featuring Eminem…Being
CURRENT LISTENS the only feature on one of the Greatest Hip Hop
Ryan Leslie- Ryan Leslie (Universal Motown) Albums of all time, The Blueprint, Eminem
Leela James- Let’s Do It Again (Sanachie) produced this track and literally murdered it.
Fat Rat Da Czar- Da Cold War 2: Da Day Afta CLASSIC!!!!! (Blueprint)
Jadakiss- Kiss Of Death Any Man- Dope record off of Soundbombing
Keri Hilson- In A Perfect World Volume 2 (Rawkus) that only upped the antici-
UGK- UGK 4 Life pation for his debut album.
Purple Pills- D12’s biggest hit. R.I.P. To
REVIEWS Proof.
Since Eminem has decided to return Patiently Waiting- 50 Cent featuring Lloyd
to the microphone with his new album, The Banks & Eminem off of the classic Get Rich Or
Relapse, I figured I’d give you the 20 essential Die Trying (2003)…Perfect record to remind
songs (& Albums), in no particular order, to those who thought Eminem fell off….Go
check out (or purchase) by him for all you late Support Real Music!!!!!!
comers….
Lose Yourself- Simply put…rags to riches EVENTS
rhyming at its finest. (8 Mile Sdtk.) Da Cold War 2 (Fat Rat Da Czar) release (May
My Name Is- One of his biggest hits. This was 5th---Everywhere) & Live Concert @ The New
a crossover smash. (Slim Shady LP) Brookland Tavern (May 8th—Door at 9p)
Guilty Conscience- Classic Collabo with Dr. Single Life Sundays @ Hush (Vista). Sundays
Dre (Slim Shady LP) 8p-2a, music by DJ Kryptonite
Just Don’t Give A F*ck- This was the song that Trapstar Saturday @ Club Essence. 8605 Two
got him mad underground love & signed by Dr. Notch Rd.---Shouts To DJ D Tec
Dre. (Slim Shady LP) Touch Me Tease Me Tuesdays @ Laroice
Bad Meets Evil- Classic Collabo with Royce Gentlemen’s club Off of Hardscrabble Rd, Cola
The 5’9” (Reminiscent of Channel Live @ their SC (803.719.0144)—Shouts to DJ Shy
peak-Game 12 Inch) 1st Fridays @ The Loft. 1734 Main Street
Stan- Classic Collabo with Dido. Possibly (Above Club Dreams). Music by DJ Puff.
going down as the greatest insight into a Comedian Lil Duval. Friday May 8, 2008
twisted fans mind state. CLASSIC!!! (Marshall @ Batesburg-Leesville Fine Arts Center (600
Mathers LP) Summerland Ave., Batesburg-Leesville, SC
The Way I Am- Single handedly changed how 29006). Call 803.238.9020.
Hip Hop bios were written & rhymed. My Envy…No Longer Just The 6th Deadliest
Favorite Eminem Track (Marshall Mathers Sin Event. May 8th, 2009 @ Rust (Vista).
LP) Presented by Black Letter Ent. For more info
The Real Slim Shady- MTV constant (Marshall contact…blackletterent@gmail.com
Mathers LP)
’97 Bonnie & Clyde- Put American Suburbs on
noticed with this track. (Slim Shady LP) WORDS OF WISDOM
KIM- If you ever wanted to put your ex on “God is always on Time”… Be on the
blast...this is the blueprint. (Marshall Mathers lookout next issue for the interview with Never
LP) So Deep’s Own…Jim Snooka….An Incredible
Cleaning Out My Closet- Self Explanatory SC MC. Stay Up!!!!
(Eminem Show)
Without Me- sleeper banger (Eminem Show) DJ Kingpin-Villain Of Vinyl Kingpin@
Sing For The Moment- MTV constant (Eminem nonstophiphoplive.com
May 7, 2009 17
JONESIN’ CROSSWORDS
“Center Piece”--no theme, big middle.
su|do|ku
.by Matt Jones 46 Sam & Dave’s longtime record 14 Crustacean that fashions homes from
Across label a porous animal
1 Dungeons & Dragons game runners, 48 Home of the Great Dark Spot 16 “___ it seems”
for short 50 That Suzanne Vega song with the 20 Asthma sufferers’ needs
4 Donkey’s ancestors “doo doo doo doo” chorus 23 Contemporary classical composer
13 Gets ready 56 “The Wrestler” director Aronofsky Henryk
15 Enter nonchalantly 57 Stadium section with cheaper tickets, 27 Rubbernecks
17 Amassed, as a bar tab usually 28 Intent to harm, for one
18 Offshore company, financially 59 Kennel structures 29 Soft-Coated ___ Terrier (breed
speaking 60 Mississippi university that’s home to named for its grainlike color)
19 Old Roman local levy (not derived the Fighting Okra 30 On a list, in olden times
from “eight”) 61 Accustom 31 Star’s locale
21 Court request to the press 62 Cleaned up a microscopic speci- 36 Friend-in-need’s helpful response
22 Springy sound effect in comics men, e.g. 37 Acts like a control freak
24 Marlin searched for him 63 Part of CBS: abbr. 38 Somehow
25 “I’ll take that as ___” 42 CD anthologies, often
26 Filled in for an author Down 44 Store handout
32 Bulk food aisle container 1 Overly harsh 46 Poker variety
33 March 28, 2009 event that made 2 Pass along a bit of info 47 Drank until stinking drunk
many homes go dark 3 Reject 49 Fat introduction?
34 Back muscle, for short 4 Pro league sometimes called the 51 “Curses!”
35 Least likely to rain “Dream Tour of Surfing” 52 Rick’s “Casablanca” love
36 Mean Amin 5 Nation with a Supreme Leader 53 ___ pot (sinus-cleaning apparatus)
39 “No Line on the Horizon” copro- 6 “___ Jr.” (Pixar’s first film whose 54 Politico Bayh
ducer Brian lamps are used in their logo) 55 Anatomical nerve network
40 Copy down to the last detail 7 Frisbee, e.g. 58 Had the most points
41 “Hey ___” (recurring “In Living 8 “Brimful of ___” (Cornershop hit
Color” skit) of 1997) ©2009 Jonesin’ Crosswords (editor@
42 Literal translation of “Adirondack” 9 Come across as jonesincrosswords.com)
that evokes trees 10 What February might have, depend- For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-
43 Peruvian singer Sumac ing on the region 226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be
44 Journalists who write heart-tugging 11 Biggest section of a TV dinner 18+. Or to bill to
stories, slangily 12 Prepare cauliflower, say your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548.
45 Sue Grafton’s “___ for Outlaw” 13 Like some causes Reference puzzle #0412.
18 May 7, 2009
SavageLove Sex advice column
by Dan Savage
¡Ask a Mexican!
Does Only Bart Simpson Say ‘¡Ay, Caramba!’?
Stop using the word “retarded” as an insult, girl who wishes I were single. I told my girlfriend
Dear Mexican: For as it I never see a homeless Mexi-
Dan. I know it can be hard to break a verbal habit, about these things, and she (while crying) gave
long as I can remember, Mexi- can or a Mexican panhandler?
but make an effort. Perhaps you should have a me permission to sleep around so long as it’s on
cans were known for doing three (I haven’t noticed any Asian or
“retard jar” that you put a dollar in every time her terms, though her terms are pretty strict. I’m
you use the word. When the jar is full, send the not happy with the restrictions, but I can’t ask things: drinking lots of cerveza, Middle Eastern homeless or
money to the Special Olympics. for more because she gets so depressed talking having lots of niños, and say- panhandlers, either.) Is there
Whatever you do, though, try to remember about it. ing, “¡Ay, caramba!” While I a lesson in responsibility to be
that you have lots of listeners and readers who Am I being self-destructive in wanting to can vouch for the first two, I’ve shared here?
have loved ones with mental disabilities, and throw away the love of my life? never, ever personally heard a
we don’t want to hear you misuse the word Let Me Have It Mexican utter those famous two Bring Back Warren Moon!
“retarded.” Please don’t tell me to read or listen words. Is this an urban myth or
to other people if I don’t like what I hear. I want You’re being a self-destructive leotard, LMHI, what? Dear Gabacho: Because
to read your column and listen to your podcast, and your cliché male fear-of- intimacy issues are Mexicans get free benefits, wel-
but without the put-downs directed at people with totally leotarded. Perhaps the marriage conversa- Armenian Andy fare, subsidized housing and
mental disabilities. tion is making you jittery—as marriage, in theory health care—don’t you watch
The Real Other Sister at least, means that you’ll never again experience Dear Armo: Now, ¡Ay, Lou Dobbs? Of course there are
the heady rush of new love. But your odds of ever caramba! might not be as popu- homeless Mexicans and panhan-
I’m going to turn over a new leaf, TROS, and finding another girl—for a long- or short-term lar or as peculiarly Mexican By GUSTAVO ARELLANO dlers, and I’m sure more than a
make a conscious, conscientious effort to break relationship—who loves you, you enjoy living an oath as, say, “pinche puto couple of such chinitos and Mo-
myself of the bad habit of using the word “retard.” with, and is willing to give you permission to sleep pendejo baboso,” “¡Cu-le-ro!” hammedans. But you’re correcto
But I don’t think the “retard jar” is for me. Instead, around, even with conditions, are infinitesimally or the many epithets derived from the word madre to question the seeming lack of Mexicans living
I’m going to use a substitution for the word. From small. If you weren’t such a leotard, you would (mother), but Mexicans do say it—though not on sidewalks or asking for your spare change. The
now on, instead of saying “retard” or “that’s so be able to see that you’re not going to do better as often as gabachos would love to believe, Bart 2004 publication The Encyclopedia of Homeless-
retarded,” I’m going to say “leotard” and “that’s so than this girl. Simpson catchphrase notwithstanding. Caramba ness refers to this phenomenon as the “Latino
leotarded.” I won’t be mocking the mentally chal- And make an effort to kick your sex life with is a euphemism for carajo, which means “penis” paradox”: “Despite their socioeconomic position,
lenged, just the physically gifted. I will pick on the the girlfriend into gear before you sleep with and is a preferred curse word for those fey South Latinos are underrepresented among the homeless
strong—and the limber—and not the weak. someone else. If she was sobbing her eyes out Americans and Spaniards, and the bowdlerized population in the United States,” writes contribu-
when she gave you permission to sleep with other ¡Ay, caramba! roughly translates as “Darn it!” But tor Gregory Acevedo. He noted researchers have
I’ve lived with my boyfriend for a little less people, LMHI, that’s not a good sign. Successful how it became the most-cited Spanish-minced frequently attributed such a contradiction to per-
than a year, and we have awesome sex and a lov- and healthy open relationships rarely get their start oath in American literature (you can find citations ceived cultural traits—you know, how Mexicans
ing relationship. I’m not naive, and I don’t expect when one partner has consented under duress. in newspapers dating back to the 1850s) is an aca- are all about la familia and comunidad and that
my boyfriend not to look at porn. However, I’ve Boring can be fixed, and fixing it may involve demic research paper waiting to be written, one we don’t let raza fall so far down the socioeco-
made it clear that porn makes me uncomfortable opening this relationship up, but she’s not really the Mexican will theorize thusly: Since caramba nomic scale like gabachos do to their own—but
(I have a weird, visceral distaste), and it makes ready to go there. doubles for a vulgarity but was uttered much argues such theories “do not adequately explain”
me feel insecure (am I not enough?). All I ask is
more frequently in genteel days, since it’s a print- it and warns increased assimilation means Mexis
that he clear his browser history if we’re going to I’m a big fan of something called the Instead
able expletive, and since gabachos have always will become more like gabachos—ergo, more
continue sharing computers and that he keep his cup, which might help AFTER and her hemo-
porn-viewing habits private. phobic boyfriend who doesn’t want to have sex
wanted their documented Mexicans spicy and Hispanic homeless. But don’t be a carajo, Bring
We had a huge fight about this. He was raised with her at any time during her period. You can foul-mouthed, writers published the interjection Back—if you see a homeless person, call your lo-
in an oppressive, religious household and feels my buy them at the big drugstores like CVS here in as often as possible (an 1889 New York Sun story cal Catholic Worker.
attitude is oppressively prudish. But I don’t think California. When I have my period, the Instead ridiculously quoted the Italian patriot Garibaldi
he should feel ashamed of looking at pornography, cup sits up against my cervix. It captures all the as mouthing it) until it became an overwrought REMINDER TO MEXICANS: Keep send-
I just don’t want to see it. Why can’t he see my menstrual blood and keeps it away from my loving saying inextricably linked with Mexicans in the ing in your 50-word essays on your favorite ma-
point of view? Is it unreasonable to expect him to boyfriend’s enormous yet fastidious cock. He often gabacho imagination for decades, à la “Vaya con riachi tunes so gabachos can carry a cheat sheet
keep this part of his private life private? doesn’t even realize I have it in. It’s a little messy Diós” and “Poor Mexico—so far from God, so while they drinko por Cinco! The deadline is
On The Outs to take out and dispose of, but it’s totally worth it. close to the United States.” Ah, for the days when April 28.
Here’s the website: www.softcup.com. gabachos merely thought we took siestas under SHOUT-OUT TO: The University of Texas,
It’s not at all unreasonable to ask him to be And if AFTER’s boyfriend still won’t fuck cacti and used funny catchphrases instead of our Arlington’s Center for Mexican American Stud-
discreet about his porn-viewing habits, OTO, her with one of these handy numbers in, then she present-day status as illegal-alien savages! ies, which graciously allowed the Mexican to give
out of consideration for your feelings. And if he should definitely DTMFA. its Distinguished Lecture last week. A packed
can’t see that, well, then he’s just being willfully Cup Up Pussy I live in Houston and find it depressing to house had a bueno time as I shared stories, read
leotarded. see beggars in the middle of most busy intersec- my favorite columns and stole white women from
But there are other solutions: Get your own CUP: I’m familiar—not intimately so—with tions. I’m equally irritated when I am accosted their esposos. Colleges: If you want the Mexican
personal laptops, change his settings so his brows- the Instead cup. But, like a total leotard, I spaced for change when I leave a drug store. (I always to invade your campus,
er history clears automatically, and if he makes it. Thanks for writing. fish the receipt out of the bag and call the store
an effort and slips up now and then—if you come from the car to report the panhandler.) Why is Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net
across a porn-clogged browser history—clear it Longtime fan, Dan, but I don’t see you on
yourself and resist the urge to bring it up. Twitter. It would be a blast! Thanks in advance.
And for the record: It never even occurs to
me to look at the browser history on the computer Need More Savage Love
my boyfriend and I share. It wouldn’t bother me
if he was looking at porn—I’d be concerned if he Writing a column and doing a weekly pod-
wasn’t looking at porn—but there’s no law that cast and blogging aren’t enough? Now I have to
requires you to check out his browser history. Twitter?
Scrutinizing browser histories is fourth-degree Sorry, NMSL, but no. The tech-savvy, at-risk
snooping, and only a leotard scrolls through her youth who pull the Savage Lovecast together
boyfriend’s browser history knowing that what every week may have dragged my gay ass into
she’s likely to find there is going to upset her. the early years of the 21st century—they created
a YouTube site for me (www.youtube.com/user/
I’m a 29-year-old hetero male considering dansavage) and a Facebook page
breaking up with my sweet GGG girlfriend of five (www.facebook.com/dansavage)—but I draw the
years. I can’t find a reason to do it, though. We line at Twittering, at least for the time being, as it
never fight; she loves to do all the chores I hate would cut into my drinking time.
and vice versa; she’s accepting of all my kinks,
from anal to public sex; and we love each other. mail@savagelove.net
We’ve been talking marriage and family all year.
But I miss falling in love, sex is becoming bor-
ing, and my heart aches every time I hear about a May 7, 2009 19
/[RMJb /[RMJb ! <J]^[MJb " <^WMJb 6XWMJb =^N\MJb @NMWN\MJb
$8/$10 6pm $10 5:30pm $5/$8 7:30pm no cover $7 8pm $7 8pm $8 6pm
Liferuiner coalition Of
Brutality Showcase American Veara
6*B