winning ways series (3)

are made under pressure

ANDREA has done many things in her life but has always been drawn to working with people. After an interesting variety of jobs, including being a speech and language therapy assistant, she decided to go the whole hog and embark on full speech and language therapy training. This is where Andrea met her challenge. Although she was accepted on to the course and was therefore thought capable of completing it, Andreas own personal gremlins are persuading her that everyone on the course is brighter, sharper, and more organised and confident than she is. She studies effectively but has difficulty putting her thoughts together in a fluent and readable way. She has received good constructive feedback for previous efforts although, in her present state of mind, she interprets that as criticism. Because Andrea is afraid of failing the essay she has been set, she endlessly puts off making the plan and the draft. Because she is afraid that others on the course will sense her inadequacy, she holds back from seeking help and advice and friendship. Because she wants to hide her difficulties, she does not approach tutors and lecturers and, because she has persuaded the family to commit some of their hard earned funds to her course, she cannot admit to not enjoying herself and worrying herself half to death as a consequence. So she spirals into a pattern of anxiety, procrastination and helplessness. She feels she has no options open to her other than resigning from the course and cutting her losses. This was Andreas state of mind when she called for a series of coaching sessions. As ever, when things are at this stage, the feeling above all the other feelings is that of being overwhelmed. She was stuck in the mire of anxiety, worry, helplessness and procrastination. Even when she took the time to retreat to her study table she was sitting gazing at the work and doing nothing, thus exacerbating the problem. Know the feeling? Well, diamonds are made under pressure, and I knew that she was a woman of great qualities because of all the previous achievements in her life. When a pot is boiling hot on the stove you can only pick it up by its handle - and that is what I proposed to do with Andrea. Firstly we had to tackle the thing which was upsetting her the most and that was the unfinished assignment. So, we imagined that it was on the top of the pile, and looked at it all by itself. There were a few layers

Diamonds
Recognising the fear that underlies resistance to change is essential if we are to realise our potential, as these examples from the casebook of life coach Jo Middlemiss demonstrate.

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if you are afraid of failure believe you are undeserving wear defensive armour

to the problem which by now had been renamed The Project: Motivation Plan Draft Advice Confidence Completion Reward By visualising the work completed and submitted for marking, Andrea was able to feel what it would be like to get over that hump of uncertainty. By imagining the feelings of joy, excitement, relief and satisfaction, she was able to motivate herself enough to complete the task. We talked about times when she had felt these things before and she was able to come up with quite a few peak moments in her life. So Andrea knew

how to feel these emotions and I got her to use this knowledge for working on the essay. The way she was feeling I should think it would be hard to get out of a chair never mind complete a challenging professional assignment - but by 4pm the draft was done. Appointments had been made with her tutor for some advice and by the following week the work was completed. However, the procrastination of the essay was just a symptom of an underlying issue. Somehow Andrea believed that she did not deserve to be on the course. She had decided, without any basis, that everyone else on the course was cleverer than she was and that, if she asked for help, they would all realise her subterfuge. This is what I call Stinking Thinking! It is useless, energy zapping, ego-driven and always untrue. This thinking has many disguises. It poses as excuses, beliefs (inherited and adopted), behaviours and assumptions. Everyone reading this article will know what I mean: no time, no money, too old, too young, too fat, too thin, not clever enough, dont know the right people, people like me just dont..., people like me always..., other people might think... And on it goes until stasis sets in. Raising our awareness to our resistance to change is the key to making the changes which allow us to jettison the limiting beliefs which stop us from reaching our potential. One client shared his favourite metaphor with me. Imagine that, when you are a small child, your mind is like a glorious castle filled with hundreds of wonderful rooms just there for exploring and enjoying. Gradually, as the child grows, rooms get shut down or go unvisited and the vista shrinks to a room and kitchen with the grand castle just a distant memory. Sad, but true. What rooms are there in your mind left unexplored? ANGELA is an experienced speech and language therapist. She is an expert in her speciality and enjoys being involved in a multidisciplinary team. She loves her work and became quite emotional when recalling some of the high points of her career with me. At the moment Angela is experiencing difficulties not with the job but with the system. Due to changes within the NHS Angela finds herself under new management. The pay structure is not clear and she is unsure as to who is her boss from the point of view of appraisal. The lack of security of tenure and uncertainty about things beyond her control has caused Angela to experience a deep sense of frustration in her work, which is having an impact on her home life. Because she has always been the problem solver in the family Angela has been unwill-

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ing to bring her problems home, although the family is well aware that she is not her usual self. The coaching challenge here was to tease out all the various strands of what was happening in Angelas world so that she could return to functioning at the level she was used to. We started on a positive note. What was really working for Angela? She agreed that, at the basic level, she still loved her job, and that interacting with her clients and their families still gave her as much satisfaction as ever. Secondly, being involved with professionals from other fields gave her a sense of being part of the bigger picture and also helped her to educate the wider world about the variety of work carried out by speech and language therapists. Thirdly, she was pleased to be making a valued contribution to the family coffers and was well supported by a loving family. All that was going well. On the negative side, Angela was beginning to feel undervalued by her employers. The shortage of speech and language therapists and the large caseload was also a long-term concern for Angela as it was often difficult to give the care and attention she wanted to individuals and their families. When we looked at Angelas work situation there were definitely more plusses than minuses, however she recognised that there were two main blocks to her peace of mind. The first was that she was resistant to a changing circumstance reference her employers. Secondly, she was allowing her fear of appearing weak to stop her from reaching out to her family. I asked Angela which of theses areas she would like to tackle first and she opted for the family. She called a family meeting and explained to them why she had been tetchy and uncommunicative. Her teenage children were surprised to realise their mum could be vulnerable but were delighted that she was treating them as equals giving them respect by asking them for help and support. The atmosphere in the house brightened, giving Angela the impetus to take her worries to her colleagues. She discovered that many of those from other disciplines were also working under the same restraints and they all decided to stay effective within their sphere of influence rather than be frustrated about what was happening outwith it. So, by splitting up the problem and recognising the emotions she was attaching to each area, Angela was able to step into the parts of her life that she could enjoy and influence. She took her focus off what she could not influence, and peace of mind was returned for the time being.

Would you like to: Identify and achieve your dreams Unlock your potential Confront difficult decisions Shake off restrictive behaviours and limiting beliefs Gain and maintain mental and spiritual balance Be aware of and use your talent? Our series Winning Ways with Personal Life Coach Jo Middlemiss aims to help you find out how you can be better at what you do, and better at being you. To gather material to make the issues - and their potential solutions - as realistic and relevant as possible for readers, Jo offers readers a confidential and complimentary half-hour telephone coaching session (for the cost only of your call). Although Winning Ways will be based on what is raised in the calls, you can be reassured that details will be altered so that it will not be possible to identify individuals.

We apologise for the poor printing quality of this figure in the Spring 04 issue. Physical Environment Fun and recreation Career Money

Personal growth Significant other/ Romance

Health Friends and family

The eight sections represent balance. The centre is 0, the outer edge is 10. Rate your level of satisfaction with each section, then draw a new outer edge (example below). How bumpy is your Wheel of Life now?

The Wheel of Life him and the department flourishing. Drawing on The Fish Philosophy (Lundin et al, 2000), he started in small ways to make their day: Small notes of positive feedback Treats for the coffee break Offers of time release to allow notes to be written up. He did not make a big song and dance about this, just gradual almost imperceptible changes. The benefits for him in doing this were: A sense of relief A feeling of confidence A feeling of being in control A feeling of satisfaction Better team relations. These feelings were infinitely preferable to what he had had before. In deciding to take FEAR out of the equation he has released himself from slow burning levels of anxiety, and his department is gradually becoming a great place to work. Jo Middlemiss is a qualified Life Coach with a background in education and relationship counselling, tel. 01356 648329, www.dreamzwork.co.uk.

CALL JO ON 01356 648329 (www.dreamzwork.co.uk).

My final case concerns JAMES, who was appointed to a position of responsibility and was delighted to receive the promotion. Sadly, not all of his colleagues were pleased for him and it seemed to James that they were deliberately trying to thwart his authority. From the outset James thought this was a problem with his colleagues. However it was actually about FEAR: his own fear of not being able to handle the situation, and of everything getting out of control. He exaggerated the situation until he actually imagined himself being sacked as a hopeless leader. As you can imagine this led to a very unhealthy atmosphere in the workplace. As James became more authoritarian and aggressive his colleagues became more defensive and secretive. James wanted to help them but he was the last person they would come to. He was unhappy, they were unhappy. Firstly I discussed with James what it was he really wanted. He wanted a happy working environment where the work got done according to professional guidelines. Taking it as read that you can only change yourself, I asked James to look at the areas of his behaviour he could change. He opted for asking his colleagues how and where they needed help. He decided to have interviews that were not appraisals. And he decided to change his own internal representation of his colleagues. He realised that he had been visualising them as working against him. As he closed his car door he put on his defensive armour ready to do battle. He decided to change his attitude. We used the slamming of the car door as the trigger for creating a new picture. As he approached his office he pictured the day going well, his team responding to

Reference
Lundin, S., Paul, H. & Christensen, J. (2000) Fish!: A remarkable way to boost morale and improve results. Hyperion Books.

Recommended reading
Hay, L.L. (2003) You can heal your life. Full Circle Publishing Ltd.

Reflections
Do I stay effective within my sphere of influence? Do I look at changing my internal representations of other people? Do I explore all the rooms in the castle or just stay in the kitchen?

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