Journal of Teacher Education

http://jte.sagepub.com/ Listening to Anthony : The Case of a Disruptive Preservice Teacher

Jill M. Hermann-Wilmarth Journal of Teacher Education 2005 56: 471 DOI: 10.1177/0022487105281180 The online version of this article can be found at: http://jte.sagepub.com/content/56/5/471

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Journal of Teacher Education, Vol. 56, No. 5, November/December 2005

ARTICLE
10.1177/0022487105281 180

LISTENING TO ANTHONY
THE CASE OF A DISRUPTIVE PRESERVICE TEACHER
Jill M. Hermann-Wilmarth
Western Michigan University

In this article, the author describes the liberatory and critical classroom she tried to create with preservice teachers. She reflects on how the perceptions of her teaching and of her class by one student led him to feel silenced inside the classroom but liberated to express his views of the community in email dialogues. Anthonys actions in classfailing to come prepared to class, coming late to class, making derogatory statements toward other studentswhich disrupted the feelings of safety and community for many class members, contrasted starkly with the well-articulated expressions of oppression written in his e-mail. The article includes some of their written dialogue, which led to a selfstudy of the authors teaching practices and the boundaries of safety that she attempted to establish. In listening to Anthonys voice, the author discovered the need for shared risk taking, constant reflection, and open dialogue with her students.

Keywords: teacher education; reflective teaching practice; liberatory pedagogy I am a teacher/student who gets to class early. I like to feel the room before the excitement of discussion, the chaos of writing, the rigor of questioning overtake the once lightheartedness of the silent, empty chairs. I also am a person who thrives on conversation. On learning through the casualness of easy talking and shared experiences. I love the light chatter of students and teachers finding their spaces, clearing the dust, and deinstitutionalizing the sometimes too stiff classrooms. This space is safethis is where we share our nonjudged excitement about the incidentals of our lives, commiserate about our too busy schedules, or listen to the fears or triumphs of our diverse classroom field work before our more directed conversations begin. This is where our classroom community begins to form. Members of the all White and mostly female (the ratio of men to women is 1 to 27) class cluster in small groups, discussing the required texts and how they relate to their own experiences as elementary school students and student teachers. The classroom seems to buzz, and there are occasional outbursts of laughter or exclamations of disbelief. Body language speaks to the passion that this community feels for teaching as students lean into their tables intently and hands punctuate thoughts. The rustling of paper slows a conversation here or there as students search for their previously written words to add to the dialogue. Sitting in the midst of what I, as the classroom facilitator, hope is impassioned learning and growing around the issues of language arts exploration is Anthony. His laptop is open, and as he stares intently at the screen, he occasionally stabs at the keys before furiously deleting whatever it is that he has just written. When I ask him if he would like to add to his groups discussion, he gruffly answers, Oh, I didnt read, and turns back to his computer. Students

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in his group roll their eyes, shake their heads, and awkwardly attempt to invite him into the dialogue with little success. Their history with this classmate, I know from anonymous notes in my mailbox, is full of confrontation. Several students have repeatedly reported that not only does he not complete his assignments, but he makes belittling comments and judgments toward their own work. My own history with this student spans two semesters. We struggled together through fall semesters childrens literature class, and after several unpleasant confrontations and classroom outbursts by Anthony and many conferencesto discuss both his academics and his approach to teaching and learning as it applied to our classroom, me, and other studentshe seemed really excited about his learning at the end of the semester. Outside of class, Anthony and I had had several fascinating conversations surrounding the intersection of Judaism (he is Orthodox) and feminism (I am a student of feminist spirituality), multicultural education, and the struggles he faces as a person with learning disabilities who has an intense desire to teach other learning disabled students. I admit, I was slightly apprehensive about another semester of balancing my desire to live my pedagogy in my teaching and the unpredictability of Anthonys response to me as his teacher, but I was hopeful. WHY A SELF-STUDY? HOW WELL DO MY THEORY AND PRACTICE MIX? This self-study, in which I examine my own teaching of the same group of undergraduate preservice elementary school teachers over two semestersin a childrens literature and language arts methods coursefocuses on how I tried to bring together the goals of my teaching and research, which are guided by Freires (1970) call for praxis: reflection and action upon the world in order to transform it (p. 33). These two semesters were also my first two as a full-time graduate student, fresh from the elementary school classroom. I learned both from this study and from Anthony, the student at the

center of the study, that teaching and pedagogical practice is always, as Ellsworth (1997) wrote, a paradox that can never be settled and resolved once and for all (p. 8). Although I attempted to teach my students guided by the theories about dialogue of Freire (1970) and hooks (1994) in particular, I stumbled regularly. Anthony pointed out my stumblings, and this study is my attempt to answer hookss (1994) call to remain engaged with my teaching and students and to examine how I use my power in the classroom: The engaged voice must never be fixed and absolute but always changing, always evolving in dialogue with a world beyond itself (p. 11). hooks (1994) wrote that Radical pedagogy must insist that everyones presence is acknowledged. . . . There must be an ongoing recognition that everyone influences the classroom dynamic, that everyone contributes (p. 8). In classrooms where radical openness is a reality rather than an esoteric idea, Shor (1992) wrote that The learning process is negotiated, requiring leadership by the teacher and mutual teacher-student authority (p. 16). Because these aims are what I claimed I used to guide my teaching, if I failed to examine that teaching during and after the class, the theory would simply be theory. There would be no praxis. Part of my praxis is self-reflection and selfstudy. Each time I enter a classroom community, I grapple with my position as a person steeped in both privilegethrough race, class, and education, I am a member of the dominant cultureand oppressionas a lesbian I belong to a socially marginalized and sometimes feared group. Although more sure of my safety and position in the university than I was as an elementary school teacher, I continually debate my own self-disclosure as a lesbian to enhance the discussion of social justice and issues of security and vulnerability to which that very self-disclosure would expose me. The process of self-reflection is central to critically engaged pedagogy. Edelsky (1999) demanded that teachers and students question whose interests (p. 15) are served by status quo classroom practice. Freire (1998) wrote,

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It is not possible for the ethical subject to live without being permanently exposed to the risk or even the choice of transgression. One of the biggest difficulties about this ethical grounding is that we have to do everything in our power to sustain a universal human ethic without at the same time falling into a hypocritical moralism. (p. 25)

If I refuse to listen to the critique of students who cannot find a liberatory space within the framework of the class, I privilege my classroom for those who can find accessibility there. As Gore (1993) wrote,
Consider, for instance why it is that, despite our most emancipatory intentions, many of us, as teachers, have found ourselves repeating the very expressions and practices that typified the kinds of teachers we vowed we would never be. . . . The more aware we are of the practices of self, the greater the space for altering those practices. (p. 155)

My student Anthony provided a critique that not only frustrated and challenged mehe clearly didnt buy into my definition of a liberatory classroombut required that I engage with my own reflection in meaningful ways so that I didnt constantly reproduce an oppressive classroom. SETTING THE STAGE: ANTHONY AND CLASSROOM PROCEDURES Our spring semester together began much as the fall hadAnthony arriving to the language arts methods class late, if at all. When he did attend, he often left the classroom for long periods at a time during group discussions. He put minimal effort into classroom assignments like the cultural memoir (Allen & Labbo, 2001), the required weekly e-mail reflection discussing the course readings (he e-mailed me only once in the first 6 weeks of the semester), participation in writers workshop, and peer conferencing. Although my blood pressure soared each time he opened the door, interrupting discussion, I struggled with assuming a traditionally authoritarian role. I felt uncomfortable reprimanding his tardiness and disruptions for several reasons. Our age similarities (I, 25; he, 21) brought awkwardness for me to the image that I have of a teacher

disciplining a student. The precedent that I felt I had set by using teaching methods that varied from those in the more lecture-based classrooms that my students reported experiencing during much of their high school and university schooling (e.g., I used learning contracts, shared grading, group assignments, and self-designed assignments) and my own insecurities around finding the appropriate words made me hesitate to broach the subject with Anthony. I also wanted each member of the class to feel a sense of mutual responsibility for our community Anthony did not seem to feel that he was a member. How could I control the actions of a student and demand mutual classroom respect if I believe that we are each equally responsible to that classroom and he feels like such an outsider that he regularly chooses not to join our daily classroom discourse? I thought that I had provided space in our class for student-guided learning with grading contracts and selfscheduled due dates. I imagined that these opportunities led students to a self-motivated sense of classroom responsibility. I could not articulate in a noncondescending manner the request/requirement that I felt I had spelled out so clearly in the syllabus: Attend each class on time. Participate in meaningful ways during classroom discussion and activities. Turn in assignments on the day that they are due. One of the first discussions that our class had was about academic responsibility to ourselves and to our classroom peers. How much clearer could I be? It was refreshing for me to find that his sometimes blunt honesty with others carried into his critique of himselfhe was the only student in the class who didnt contract for an A, and he described with detail the reasons that he knew that he would not be able to complete the A requirements. Over the course of the semester, Anthony began to arrive in a more timely fashion and in fact, seemed to enjoy knowing that I would be in the classroom early. As I wrote reminders and guiding questions on the board before class, Anthony would often talk with me about his field experience classroom, his mothers ideas about teaching, his organizational role in the new campus organization pro-

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viding taxi service to students on weekend evenings so that the incidence of student drunk driving could be reduced. He sometimes asked my opinions about different teaching methods that he read about and how I would implement them in an elementary school classroom. Although he frequently shared bits and pieces of his life with me, he rarely spoke to his classmates. When he did share during class, he blurted or abruptly read his opinion or experience and then shut down again, rarely joining the dialogue that his statements inspired. By the midpoint in the semester, Anthony and I had met for several conferences, discussing his need to recontract his grade due to many missing assignments, his semester projects that needed major revisions, his revised work, and his pride in his development as a writerhe felt that by becoming more engaged in the writers workshop process with me, his writing voice had become stronger. His presence in class and the position in our community that he assumed had by this point in the semester become consistent. I felt that at least with me, Anthony had found a space in which to explore his ideas about teaching. When near the end of the semester, Anthony sent me an e-mail that informed me that this indeed was not the case, I was shocked. With his e-mail, Anthony effectively sent me into a reevaluation of my classroom and my pedagogy. He forced me to acknowledge that although I profess to teach from a liberatory stance, my approach can be oppressive. The challenge for me was to read and respond to Anthonys e-mail from a dialoging place rather than a personal place. I was afraid that if I did not measure each word, I would silence Anthony even more than I already had. In the hours following my initial reading of Anthonys letter, I struggled with how to reply. Ultimately, I decided that the best way to do this would be to respond to chunks of his letter in the body of his own text. As I continue to assess myself as a teacher, I want to reenter this teacher-student dialogue as a third, reflective voice. Following is this three-voice exchange. Ive included most of Anthonys and my original writing followed by my reflective, later voice.
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A SITE FOR SELF-STUDY: ANTHONYS LETTER The first chunk of the e-mailed exchange explores Anthonys feelings of confidence about his writing. I will examine this part of his letter by analyzing the contradictions between his inclass actions and the words he used in his email.
JILL: Hi Anthony, I appreciate you sending me this email, and the only way that I can think of responding is in the text to some of your points, so look for my responses! ANTHONY: Dear Jill, This semester has been a get to know myself better semester just like every other semester has been. Unlike other semesters though, this semester, I feel I have vastly improved my skills of written expression. So with that at hand, I can better relay my feelings and emotions through written language. I have encouraged myself to express myself orally to you, but I do not have the courage nor the ability to do so without seeming aggressive or insulting. Therefore, instead of telling you orally, I decided to write. I have learned this semester, that when I am frustrated, or scared of something, I withdraw. Well, I must say that I am in a withdrawal situation presently. Not necessarily for any reason that you could control, but I just do not feel comfortable talking to you about my feelings, and because of that I have withdrawn my efforts. It is not that I do not care about the work; I am just nervous to turn it in. I do not feel like my work is good enough, nor do I feel that when I do work to my highest ability that it is recognized as such. I only feel like you tell me that I am not doing a good job. I do realize that this is perception on my part, and I do not think it unflawed but it is the way I perceive the matter at hand. JILL: One thing that I have learned through teaching elementary school about myself is that I focus on the negative things that a few parents say, and forget the very positive things that are most often saidIm a bit of a perfectionist myself, and maybe we share this trait! Last week, a student brought me her entire paper to review before she turns it inI know that I offered to read your work with you. Maybe this would have helped. ANTHONY: I am by no means saying that you have not given descriptive praise on some of my work. For example, I really appreciated the comments that you wrote on my in-class writings in my folder. This made me feel good, and that all of the time that I was spending out of class on writings was working and my writing skills were improving. Since reading

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those notes, I have gained more confidence in my written language skills. I write or further develop previous writings daily. I attribute this newfound confidence to your efforts towards me. But what I am trying to say is that I am afraid of being told my work is not good enough.

Anthonys contradictions (his perceptions in the first paragraph of the letter that I dont feel hes doing good work vs. the growth and confidence he feels hes gleaned from my descriptive praise in his second paragraph) initially confused me. As I read and reread his words, I thought about my core belief that my role as liberatory educator implies orienting subject matter to student culturetheir interests, needs, speech, and perceptionswhile creating a negotiable openness in class where the students input jointly creates the learning process (Shor, 1992, p. 16). My responsibility as a teacher is to not only hear or read what students say but also to try to help them make sense of their classroom and learning needs. Anthonys chosen method of communication of his needs was through writing. Although he may have felt withdrawn in class, he was perhaps empowered by what he felt were his improved written language skills. This newfound confidence appears to have provided Anthony an outlet of safer communication. He could not name his exact reasons for sending me the e-mailhe was hesitantbut he knew that it was somehow necessary. Laurel Richardson (2000) called writing a way of knowinga method of discovery and analysis. By writing in different ways, we discover new aspects of our topic and our relationship to it. Form and content are inseparable (p. 923). All semester, I had asked my students to write in many different formscritical journal explorations/reflections on their teaching and reading, personal narrative writing during writers workshop, research and presentation writing, and finally, memoir writing. I had hoped through the analysis and reflection on their own work, reading, and life experiences that students would better understand who they are and will be as teachers. I hoped that the reflections that the students and I did together would lead me to some conclusions about the

teaching of writing. All of my students gave me permission at the beginning of the semester to use any of the writing that they did for my class toward that end. The objective of our major class assignment, the writing of our cultural memoirs, was to see how examining ourselves from a cultural standpoint helps us to know and better understand our classmates and students (see Allen & Labbo, 2001). Anthony had engaged in much of this writing. However, he felt that my critique of his work did not address his needs to feel valued as a student, writer, and classroom participant. As he sat down at his computer to write me this letter, perhaps he was hoping, in this different form of expression, to investigate how [he] construct[s] the world, [himself], and others [me in the context of our class] (Richardson, 2000, p. 923). Anthonys words on the page, although often contradictory, are all true to his feelings about me as his teacher. The process of putting these complex feelings into e-mail could have been for Anthony a part of his process of better understanding himself and his needs. Eurydice Bauer (Fecho, Commeyras, Bauer, & Font, 2000) wrote about her classroom that
the students and I were constantly in flux, trying to find our center. I began to see this constant motion as a dance, because as students created and expressed their understanding of a topic, I attempted to respond with flexibility and adapt to each students learning need by following their lead and establishing new direction. (p. 479)

Anthony tried to invite me into this dance with each interaction before and during class and through his writing all semester long. I failed to find the rhythmto help Anthony feel valued as a studentand this letter was his last attempt to invite me to fulfill my role as teacher, which is to help him understand and interpret his own classroom rhythm.

Sections 2 and 3: Anthonys Impressions of Me as Teacher

Anthony let me know through his e-mail that he had explored our teacher-student relationship with other students. In this part of the letter

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he brings examples of how I made him uncomfortable as a student to light. I will look at my actions as well as Anthonys one-sided critique of me and of our class in my analysis.
ANTHONY: The reason I feel this may happen is because I see how you speak to others in the class when they have something exciting happen in their life, or when they do a good job on something. I do not feel you get excited about what I share with you. Instead, I feel guilty for taking your time. And then people outside of class say things to me like Jill does not like you. That really hurts me. Regardless that it did not come from you directly, that means to me that other people perceive that you view me differently than everyone elseAnd I am different than everyone else. I am the only guy in the class, and the person with disabilities. I am the minority, and I relate to blacks, and homosexuals, that feel that their culture is neglected. I do not value the same things that most of the individuals in the classroom value: pretty presentations, off subject conversations, baking cookies. But I do acknowledge these aspects of their culture and respect them, and do not scoff whenever these aspects are brought into the classroom. But I do not feel that I am being appreciated for my strengths like intellectual insights during discussions, and personal relation to the topic at hand. I feel like I am boring the class or they are annoyed with my word choice. Like someone in the class said, It annoys me when you use big words. I dont do it purposely. Its the way I speak. JILL: I am sorry that you or they have these impressions. I appreciate the insight that you bring into whole group discussionslots of times, the only way that our discussion continues is by taking your statements and expanding on them. I do appreciate all of the things you tell me before and after classit has given me more insight into what is important to you.

I continue to struggle with Anthonys inability to recognize his responsibility to the community even as he analyzed the oppression that he feels his classmates and I have subjected him to. Not only did I write in the course syllabus about student responsibility, but during the first class session we discussed this shared teaching/ learning responsibility. I assumed during the semester that this discussion had provided enough of a knowledge base for the students to understand their role in classroom discourse. Perhaps I should have assessed the comprehension of each student surrounding this approach

because Anthony did not either in class or in his analysis of the class relay to me that he understood or acted on this responsibility. Critical and liberatory pedagogy requires self (and not merely community) reflection by each member of the class, and Anthony has not named the privilege that he brings into the dialogue. Choosing to express his emotions only with me, he used his silence with his classmates as a powerful tool of self-promotion in his letter. Nowhere did he extend the self-analysis found at the beginning of his letter surrounding his personal academic growth into any critique of his understanding of how his socially privileged standing (as wealthy, educated, White, and male) merged with others in our community. I must also question my own compensation of Anthonys disability. Each of the required texts was available to him on tape, yet he had no qualms in reporting to me that his reason for remaining silent during group discussions was that he had not read. Toward the end of the semester, another student reported in passing that Anthony had bragged that he never did his best work because, They [his professors] dont expect it from me. He was acutely aware of my hesitation to question or demand equal academic efforts of him based on his disability, even though the appropriate accommodations based on his needs had been made. What is made clear in his letter is that Anthony felt like an outsider in our class. It seems that he understood that I did not intentionally ostracize him from the classroom community but wanted to communicate to me that that is exactly what I had done. He aligned himself in his writing with other traditionally disenfranchised groups (Blacks and homosexuals) to outline the intensity of his own feelings of marginalization in our class. As the letter continues, he points to specific moments of marginalization.
ANTHONY: Just like at times I make inappropriate comments with no intent of offending. For example, when I used the word bimbo when I shared my dream for my future in education with you, instead of constructively criticizing me in a productive manner, you told me that it really offends you that I should use that word. You were right. However, I, in

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no way meant to offend you. I just wanted to share with you something about myself, because I thought you would care. What I got back was that you dont care about what I have to say, rather you get defensive every time I speak to you. JILL: I know that I got offended that time because I am and was an elementary school teacher and you called elementary school teachers bimbos. You were in a room filled with elementary school teachers. ANTHONY: Another time this happened was when I asked you if you had a lot in common with your husbandonce again your reply came with disgust. I had no idea of your orientation, and because I recollected you speaking of your husband, I said husband. All that I wanted to do was share a personal story with you. I did not want to attack you. But after you finished with your statement I felt like I had violated you. Once again, when trying to share something of great importance I was made to feel worthless. JILL: I felt like I was responding honestlythen we continued the conversation about how Jessica [my partner] and I have some major differences and some similarities. I was in no way offendedI guess I was just surprised, because Im so careful not to use gender specific terms in almost all of my speech, that you used the term husband. But, it didnt bother me because I felt like I could let you know the truthI had not been asked by a student that specific a question before, and I didnt want to lie to you. Perhaps it was your surprise at the fact that Im a lesbian that compounded your impression that I was offended sometimes (and Im not insinuating that this is true for you) people think that I must be embarrassed about the fact that Im gay (Im not embarrassed), and dont like to bring it up. If they inadvertently do, they think that I might get angry.

expressions of defensiveness and effectively shutting down dialogue. It seems that by relying on my privileged class, race, and, in this particular setting, age to establish rapport and to cocreate community with my students, I also diminished our collective reflection on critical issues. Choosing a safer roadsilencing my lesbianismuntil being forced by Anthonys question about my husband to choose honesty over complete lack of truthI failed to fulfill my pedagogical commitment to, as Freire (1998) wrote, teach right thinking (1998, p. 42). Right thinking
is not something that is simply spoken of or an experience that is merely described. But something that is done and lived while it is being spoken of, as if the doing and living of it constituted a kind of irrefutable witness of its truth. (Freire, 1998, p. 42)

What privileges does this exchange show that I hide behind in my classroom? By neither hiding nor proclaiming my identity as a lesbian, I compounded our classs continued avoidance of a critical discussion and reflection on our own privilege. I agree with Freire (1998) when he wrote I cannot perceive myself as a presence in the world and at the same time explain it as the result of forces completely alien to me (pp. 5455). However, I struggled with the students in this class for two semesters, as a White woman who has benefited from the advantages of both race and class in my access to education and resources, to authentically and deeply critique with my students these issues without eliciting

By merely living who I am and not speaking to it in the classroom, Anthonys acceptance that our classroom community was open to an understanding of each member beyond the walled boundaries of the building was demeaned and devalued. My response to Anthony in class that I dont have a husbandIm a lesbian immediately put him on the defensive. My blunt honesty, although important to my own process, was not consistent with my discourse throughout the semester. In each previous class, I had chosen my own safety over honesty. In that moment of full disclosure, I shifted from protecting myself to finally being true to my pedagogy. As I chose to step into a place of vulnerability, I forced Anthony to take that step with me into what, for him, could be unsafe waters. As a critical and liberatory educator, I have to question my ethics in choosing to protect myself and privileging my own process before creating safe spaces for my students, particularly Anthony. By speaking in middle-of-the-road language, the space surrounding right and wrong thinking in our classroom was hazy. I cannot be a teacher if I do not perceive with ever greater clarity that my practice demands of me a definition about where I stand. . . . I must choose between one thing and another (Freire, 1998, p. 93).

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Section 4: The Closing

ANTHONY: Although this has happened many times over the past two semesters, I only wish to mention two. Believe me that I am sorry for offending you all of those times. All that I was trying to do was share a little bit of myself with you. I wanted you to get excited about one of my stories or experiences like you do about so many others in the class. You never seem excited about my experiences. I know this because you are inquisitive towards others when they share with you. Unlike others, you only reply with disgust, or a comment like thats nice, to me. What am I doing wrong? I keep trying, and I keep being shot down. I am frustrated because of this. Well, I do not know what else to say. I have enjoyed having you as a teacher, and I know I have learned a tremendous amount. You are one of the few teachers that I am uncomfortable around, and nevertheless, I still try and care about the class. It is just very difficult for me to succeed in a threatening environment where I feel that I am not valued as an individual. Sorry, do not think that this is a personal attack on you. I just cant function anymore without letting you know my frustration. I know you are frustrated with me, and I am pretty sure that I know why. Well I dont know how to constructively end this email.Anthony JILL: I hope that this email helped youIf you wish to talk further about it, we could set a time to meet. Thanks, Jill

student, my interpretation of his critique is mine alone rather than shared. Bragg (2001) wrote in her own article about listening to the voices of challenging students that she did not directly involve students in [the] process, or invite them to engage in further research with me (p. 72). Looking at our e-mailed exchange together most certainly would have led to a different analysis of my teaching and Anthonys learning. However, by looking closely at our particular relationship, I have learned important lessons from Anthony about my future teaching and research. Missing from my classroom pedagogy for these two semesters with Anthony was the reflection. Instead of analyzing Anthonys classroom silences or outbursts in the context of my own teaching practices, I ignored the role of my own privileges and power as The Teacher in his frustrations and focused on the very positive relationships that I had with most of the other students in the class. I, as Elizabeth Ellsworth (1989) wrote,
[bring] to the classroom privileges and interests that [are] put at risk in fundamental ways by the demands and defiances of student voices. I [bring] a social subjectivity that has been constructed in such a way that I have not and can never participate unproblematically in the collective process of selfdefinition, naming of oppression, and struggles for visibility in the face of marginalization engaged in by students whose class, race, gender, and other positions I do not share. (p. 309)

SELF-STUDY, SELF-PERCEPTIONS: ONE MORE ANALYSIS My reflective analysis of who I was both in my relationship with Anthony and as a teacher in a supposed liberatory class occurred in the writing of this article. The significance of this postreflection is that it provides a future challenge. I have acknowledged that although painful, the teaching that Anthony provided through his e-mail is both powerful and vital to my own process of becoming a more fully liberatory educator. He pointed to my shortcomings in a way that I hope will influence me when I meet my next class. Although I have written here about the importance of shared reflection, because of the nature of a self-study, I did not engage shared reflection with Anthony. In this article, even while I attempted to listen to the critique of my
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It is only upon reflection on my teaching and on Anthonys words that the oppression that my own teaching agenda could place on a students learning has been brought to light for me. Also missing from those two semesters was a reflection with Anthony and my other students. Ellsworth (1997) wrote that The politics of representation is at issue in many projects and research questions. The terms in which teacher and curriculum address students, for example, is an underlyingbut often unspokenconcern (p. 10). Had I discussed with my students the why of my pedagogy, perhaps the how of its effectiveness for Anthony and his classmates would have been addressed. Where I viewed my teaching and me in the role of teacher in a particular way, there were perhaps 28 different

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perceptions of Teacher in our classroom. Likewise, students might have reflected aloud on the roles that they played in how the pedagogy was enacted. This could have helped me see Anthony and his peers in new and more complex ways. Freire (1998) wrote that grounding oneself in ethical teaching and living is the choice to recognize a universal human ethic (p. 25) but that making this choice is simply recognizing that our place in the world, our privilege, is far more than just being. It is a presence, a presence that is relational to the world and to others. A presence that, in recognizing another presence as not I, recognizes its own self (pp. 25-26). During the semester, I congratulated myself in choosing to teach from this ethical grounding over a more traditional stance. I should have instead recognized that this ethical grounding is inevitable if I acknowledge the privileges that race and class have afforded to me (Freire, 1998, p. 26). And this grounding cannot be considered a value even though it is the fruit of choice. It is not, in other words, a virtue (Freire, 1998, p. 26). In extolling what I considered to be virtuous teaching, focusing on the ideals of the pedagogy rather than the realities of the classroom, I stopped the power of the pedagogy in its tracksthat power residing in constant reflection over my own actions and my own role in the processes of the learning and growth of all of my students. To continually reflect, I must expand my explorations of each class meeting. My current practice of examining my notes from the class to determine the direction of future discussions and readings must now include an intentional journaling and a constant rereading of that journaling around classroom participation, subtle body language, and side conversation by each member of the class (myself included) so that I can identify patterns of silencingor silencedclassroom behavior. I wanted through the cultural memoirs for my students and me to identify our cultural privilege and oppression in a way that helped us to identify with each other in a more liberatory fashion. Anthonys first attempt at this assignment was writing filled with anger

and gratuitous profanity, not to mention a complete lack of grammatical sensibilities. His revised memoir centered on what he named his culture of caring and lacked the risk taking that a discussion of race and class often entails. Instead, he provided a portrait of himself as one who is compassionate and observant of the needs of everyone around him. So, even though I read Anthonys cultural memoir hoping to find an understanding of how cultural expectations and realities shape his societal positioning, I did not know the oppression that he was feeling in my classroom based on his gender, disability, and perhaps even his heterosexuality. It is also imperative that because I believe in honest and open communities where there is a mutual respect of each person in the community, I share in the risk that I ask of my students. I can no longer sit on the cusp of gender-neutral language to preserve my perceived sense of safety. I must expect the same openness and honesty from myself that I require of my students. If I do not represent myself truthfully, I will continually marginalize myself from the very community that I hope to create. To those ends, I must also constantly reflect on issues of classroom silence and riskwhat will I do when one students truth silences and marginalizes another? How will I use my position of classroom power? Whose truth will be valued? And how will my valuing of that truth build boundaries within our classroom community? I fear that both Anthonys reflective letter and my reflective analysis of our relationship and my own teaching came too late to alter the boundaries of our classroom community. The opportunities that Anthonys expressions of frustration and process have provided for me however will hopefully be far reaching. Because I plan to continue to teach, I can bank on the possibility that I will encounter another Anthony. My hope is that my experiences with this very unique Anthony will help me to cocreate more empowering and safe classrooms with my future students. CONCLUSION Anthony and Iand perhaps most people live with contradictions. To recognize my own, I
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needed to open my eyes and ears to the realities and perceptions of my students. With Anthonys help, I have come to a deeper understanding of my own beliefs about ethical and critical teaching and about creating honest relationships with my students and with myself. Even as I wrote my syllabus for the next semesters students, my relationship with Anthony extended beyond memory and the written page. On the last day of class, there was a greeting card waiting atop the organized chaos on my desk. Sitting down with a sigh of relief as the stress of my teaching responsibilities for the semester and my own final papers and projects faded into its almost over realizations, I slid the card out of the envelope. I smiled at the Thank You written in 14 different languages on the front before reading the personal messages inside. Amid the bubbly and complimentary writing of my female students, Anthonys more stiff jottings awkwardly called to be read: I saw this card and decided that you would love it. I must say there was a storm before the rainbow. Because of you I am a reader and a writer. Anthony. Congratulating myself on ending our semester on a positive note, I turned on my computer to check my e-mail. Anthony continued to surprise me.
Dear Jill, My mother wants to have you and Jessica over for dinner one night. She, as you already know is going on 25 years as a teacher. She would love to hear some of your thoughts and ideas. I am sure that you could share a lot with each other. My house is a very safe and relaxing environment with treasures from all over the world. There are so many aspects of my house that you would enjoy. Just as a side notemy parents are not prejudiced individuals; they do not judge people on the color of their skin or sexual orientation. The only thing that they look at is a persons character and their ethics. I would say that you have very high ethics and strong personal character. Therefore, you would have a terrific time. Just be aware that my father is a big libertarian, and that he often times displays his ignorance when it comes to multiculturalism in the classroom. Moreover, during his student teaching he was in a primarily Hispanic populated school. At this school, he told his students that if they did not speak English in the class that they would failand he kept his promise. He has a lot to learn about a multicultural classroom. Anyways I think we can convert him.

I hope that you agree to our invitation. I feel now that I can have open conversations with you because you are not my teacher anymore, and I see us more on an equal level. This is great because I have a major complex when it comes to authority. Sincerely, Anthony

So do I Anthony, so do I. POSTWRITING REFLECTION Even after the writing of this article, my interactions with Anthony continued. Although Ive not been to his home for dinner, he told me after reading the article that the invitation is still on the table. He and I met for lunch because although he had signed a permission form allowing me to use his writing for my class in my research, I wanted to make sure that this was an acceptable use of his writing. I was more than a bit nervous as our lunch date approached. I had told him that Id written a paper about our class and was interested in his insight. He seemed honored that I would choose him to share the paper with and asked me to bring a copy on disk as his disability makes reading slow and laborious. I became increasingly uncomfortable with the idea of giving him the paper on a disk as I thought about some potential ramifications of this action, and I didnt want him to read the paper without a way to immediately process any feelings about what I had written. So, I decided to bring a copy of the paper for him to our lunch meeting and read it aloud to him. We set some ground rules before I readI had to read straight through without stopping to explain myself, and Anthony could ask me any question he wanted, provided he wait until I finished reading. I read. Anthony made no marks on his copy and simply followed my reading with his eyes on the page. When I finished, I looked expectantly at him. He said, Cool, and then just sat there. Silence. In a probing voice, I asked him if he felt I had represented him honestly, and he nodded. Then he started to explain to me why he hadnt done his best work. I responded that I hadnt read him the paper to give him a sense of guilt about what he had or hadnt done in our class, and he said he knew that. He then told me

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that he modeled his leadership of the antidrunk driving group after how I taught and structured my class. He described his meetings with the groups officers, which include time for reflective writing about club issues and open discussion. He said that he now understood how hard it was to convey this message of mutual responsibility. Smiling, I asked if he had any questions for me. He looked me in the eye and said, So, Jill, what exactly did you learn from me? When he had to leave our meeting to go to class, he asked if we could meet again to continue this dialogue, and I agreed but have yet to hear from him. That afternoon, two of my former students knocked on my office door with grim expressions on their facesWhat have you done to us?! they asked. They told me that Anthony had sauntered into their afternoon class, bragging that I had chosen to write all about him and that he had taught me so much. Thats true, I responded as they looked at me with disbelief. So, what have I learned? The writing of this article and my subsequent experiences with Anthony have informed my teaching. I dont sit on that cusp of gender-neutral language with my students. I feel compelled to share as openly with my students about my own life as they share with me. I had learned from Anthonys classmates that many students do respond positively and powerfully in a classroom where the teacher makes an honest attempt to engage with them at a deep level. Because of these students I have become a less apprehensive teacherI now expect my students to enter risky waters with me (Hermann-Wilmarth, 2003). As a class, we have discussed challenging social justice issues, and some of us strongly disagree. Inspired by Anthony, I now ask my students to talk with me or write down for me feelings about the structure of the class and my teaching on a regular basis, and I try to listen for silences as I join students in their small group text and literature circles. I dont seem to have any Anthonys, perhaps because I welcome and listen to critique frequently, or because Anthony is such a unique individual. But as I watch, listen, explore, teach, and learn with my class, I know

that at any moment, my words or my response to one student or another could result in a frustrated e-mail. I feel ready to think with my students about ways that we can challenge each other in liberating and safe spaces so that each of us feels valued and heard. REFERENCES
Allen, J., & Labbo, L. (2001). Giving it a second thought: Making culturally engaged teaching culturally engaging. Language Arts, 79(1), 40-52. Bragg, S. (2001). Taking a joke: Learning from the voices we dont want to hear. Forum, 43(2), 70-73. Edelsky, C. (1999). On critical whole language practice: Why, what, and a bit of how. In C. Edelsky (Ed.), Making justice our project: Teachers working toward critical whole language practice (pp. 7-36). Urbana, IL: NCTE. Ellsworth, E. (1989). Why doesnt this feel empowering? Working through the repressive myths of critical pedagogy. Harvard Educational Review, 59, 297-324. Ellsworth, E. (1997). Teaching positions: Difference, pedagogy, and the power of address. New York: Teachers College Press. Fecho, B., Commeyras, M., Bauer, E. B., & Font, G. (2000). In rehearsal: Complicating authority in undergraduate critical-inquiry classrooms. Journal of Literacy Research, 32, 471-504. Freire, P. (1970). Pedagogy of the oppressed. New York: Continuum. Freire, P. (1998). Pedagogy of freedom: Ethics, democracy, and civic courage. Lanham, MD: Rowman and Littlefield. Gore, J. (1993). The struggle for pedagogies: Critical and feminist pedagogies as regimes of truth. New York: Routledge. Hermann-Wilmarth, J. (2003). Risky teaching. In B. ShockleyBisplinghoff, J. Olson, & M. Commeryas (Eds.), Teachers as readers: Perspectives on the importance of reading in teachers classrooms and lives (pp. 110-119). Newark, DE: International Reading Association. hooks, b. (1994). Teaching to transgress: Education as the practice of freedom. New York: Routledge. Richardson, L. (2000). Writing: A method of inquiry. In N. K. Denzin & Y. S. Lincoln (Eds.), Handbook of qualitative research (2nd ed., pp. 923-948). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage. Shor, I. (1992). Empowering education. Chicago: University of Chicago Press.

Jill M. Hermann-Wilmarth is an assistant professor in the Department of Teaching, Learning, and Leadership at Western Michigan University. Her current research interests include social justice in education and the intersections of issues of homosexuality and religion in preservice education classrooms.

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