The Art of Relationships

with Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD

There is an art to maintaining the intimate relationships in our lives. Read on to explore our experts' perspectives, and learn new techniques to improve your own relationship skills. Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Staying in the 50% of Marriages that Last

Photo: Jupiterimages

Even when people are sure of their love, the decision to enter into marriage is always a gamble as is clear from the commonly quoted statistic that 50% of marriages end in divorce. An important question that naturally arises from this number is what are those who remain happy together doing right? All marriages have their ups and downs; all people have their strengths and weaknesses; and all couples have areas of disagreement. But those who remain happy manage to view their relationship through a positive lens. They see the parts of their marriage that are most positive as the parts that are essential. However, most importantly, they are flexible about this. As the positive and negative aspects of their relationship shift with time, so does their judgment about what is essential but they always focus on the most positive aspects in the moment. Along with this positive perspective, they view their spouses problems, imperfections, or annoying habits in a way that neutralizes their impact. One approach they use is viewing these things in a benevolent way. For instance, a wife might understand her husbands snapping as the result of a hard day instead of thinking of him as just being disrespectful. Such positive attributions help relationships to remain stable and supportive. Another way partners remain happy together is by being aware of and acknowledging positives while allowing themselves to get upset about specific problems. In contrast, spouses who tend to be more blaming and less understanding create a negative environment at home. For them, specific problems appear bigger and tend to snowball. Its amazing how a toilet seat left in the upright position can ruin a couples whole day together!

Some people are inherently better at seeing the positive side of situations and understanding others from a more compassionate perspective. And they will certainly be happier for it. But for the rest of us, this is a skill that can be learned when people are interested in developing it. For instance, couples can practice sharing what makes them feel loved and then practice doing those things. Unfortunately, life sometimes makes it hard to be positive. We all have only a limited amount of time and energy. So when problems pile up (such as job stress, deaths of loved ones, illnesses, problems related to children), peoples inner resources become strained. Even the most charitable people can reach their limit, making it difficult to approach their marriage in positive ways. Because of this, its important for couples to nurture their relationship during the good times. This way they have more positive feelings to rely upon when life gets tough. In the end, maintaining a happy marriage is, to a large extent, about how couples approach each other. The more they can see their marriage in a positive light and can be supportive and understanding of each other, the more successful their marriage will be. If you would like to join a general discussion about this topic, visit the Relationships and Coping Community. Posted by: Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD at 9:00 am Link to this post

Comments

Falama Re: Staying in the 50% of Marriages that Last The Art of Relationships There is no perfect marriage because non of us is perfect. We can make our marriage work when we decide to not in our own power but in God's strength, we can make it a possibility when we focus on the positives of each other, when we communicate freely about evrything, when we keep "short accounts" of our disagreements, when we dicide to fall in love with those we are in love with without letting others fail our love. I've been married for twelve years. User ID:http://js-kit.com/ECHO/user/fake_user 5 Hours Ago

Nic Re: Staying in the 50% of Marriages that Last The Art of Relationships When we married the person, Am sure, we are attracted to the one more than anything or anyone else in the world. That's only the beginning. As time goes by, we learn to know about the person better and discovered that he is a wonderful person, and that we learn to love and pledge to grow-up and grow old together in love. All this makes up a good marriage. And the secret of it all is GOD'S LOVE that binds you together, without Godl oving Grace, made manifest by Christ 's undying love and the Holy SPIRIT GUIDANCE AND DIRECTION, ALL MARRIAGES ARE BOUND TO FAIL. User ID:http://js-kit.com/ECHO/user/fake_user 9 Hours Ago

DAN Re: Staying in the 50% of Marriages that Last The Art of Relationships I HAVE KNOWN MY TRUE LOVE SINCE SHE WAS IN 7 GRADE, WENT TO HER 8TH GRADE GRADUATION, I LOVED HER THEN AND 39+YEARS LATER . MY LOVE HAS NOT STOPPED, JUST GROWING STRONGER, . WHAT IS THE SECRET? WE HAVE GOD IN OUR LIVES, WE HAVE TRUST,TALK EVERYTHING OUT, HAVE EACH OTHERS BACK, WE LAUGH,CRY,PARTY, KEEP GROUNDED. HONESTY, UNDERSTANDING, ALOT OF WORK BUT OUR LOVE GETS US THROUGH ANYTHING!! AND ONE THING NEVER GO TO BED MAD , ALWAY KISS YOUR PARTNER GOODNIGHT. AND GET READY TO MAKE NEW MEMORIES WITH THAT SPECIAL ONE, I GET ONE LIFE TO LIVE ,AND EACH NIGHT I GIVE THANKS TO GOD FOR THIS GREAT LOVE HE'S BLESSED ME WITH. SO ,HUG YOUR WIFE AND TELL HER THANK YOU!! User ID:http://js-kit.com/ECHO/user/fake_user 17 Hours Ago

Kakon Re: Staying in the 50% of Marriages that Last The Art of Relationships M 25 yrs lady..never married yet..but i think,marrage time will be longest,when thr will be self respect 4 each other,full attention one 4 another one,enjoy d swt evry nano moment,give more thn getting more,practice 2 love...thinking each another as a part of own soul,and need 2 understand feelings level of partner,and why someone choose him or her... User ID:http://js-kit.com/ECHO/user/fake_user 19 Hours Ago

Irshad Re: Staying in the 50% of Marriages that Last The Art of Relationships In a successful marriage you give more and take less and ultimately both take what they have given. It is a law of nature that action is equal to reaction ultimately. User ID:http://js-kit.com/ECHO/user/fake_user 22 Hours Ago

Prof1954 Re: Staying in the 50% of Marriages that Last The Art of Relationships I was happily married for 30 years, or so I thought, until my best friend and girlfriend from my hometown became widowed. Even though we live halfway across the country from each other, we had talked once a month for the last 35 years, and she and her family used to come visit me and my wife once or twice a year. Once she became single and her life was shattered, I was her best friend and confidant, and one thing led to another and we were in love again, just like the old days. In the meantime, my wife and I had become sexless, so that added another diimension of attraction.....physical intimacy. Bottom line is the moral dilemma I am having; do you stay in a marriage out of loyalty and history (we didn't have kids) or do you follow your heart and start a new chapter in your life? My wife is from a very wealthy family, so she would have plenty of money, but she would be heartbroken naturally. She says she knows this other woman has always been my soulmate, but that she loves me just as much. Women that I have discussed this with side with my wife, men warn me about the financial implications User ID:http://js-kit.com/ECHO/user/fake_user 23 Hours Ago

rasheed Re: Staying in the 50% of Marriages that Last The Art of Relationships marriage is like army, many people complain but many people reenlisted,one thing the couple must have is' THE FEAR OF GOD' and all other things will work for them User ID:http://js-kit.com/ECHO/user/fake_user 23 Hours Ago

high desert cali girl Re: Staying in the 50% of Marriages that Last The Art of Relationships If a relationship is work it isn't gonna work! Been with my beautiful husband 23 yrs and haven't worked at it a day! We genuinely like each other. We love being together its FUN! That's the key.... if u don't really like the other person ur not gonna wanna spend ur life with them it should be fun nearly 24/7! User ID:http://js-kit.com/ECHO/user/fake_user Yesterday

I'mLearning.... Re: Staying in the 50% of Marriages that Last The Art of Relationships Two years ago I reconnected with someone I played with as a young child. We loved each other as children and that was over 50 years ago. We have grown very very close through e-mails, visits, daily long talks even tho' we live 900 miles apart. We are very open and honest with each other and know we can ask ANY question and it will get an honest, truthful answer. Yes....communication is the key I believe but not just communicating on a low level. The highest level being to express the deepest feelings in your heart. Creates a really deep level of intimacy..... User ID:http://js-kit.com/ECHO/user/fake_user Yesterday

YoginiLiz Re: Staying in the 50% of Marriages that Last The Art of Relationships Date night! A must!! @ least twice a month. User ID:http://js-kit.com/ECHO/user/fake_user Yesterday

Nikita

Re: Staying in the 50% of Marriages that Last The Art of Relationships marriage is like a profession you need to read learn more as well as practice ,do not nose on your partner, give each other space and continue communicating , inform your partner about your feelings ,whereabouts, appreciate each other be positive keep smiling ,be smart,do not forget your make up and perfume because you are at home ,create a beautiful atmosphere at home make your home heaven you will always be the best User ID:http://js-kit.com/ECHO/user/fake_user Yesterday

Marriage Re: Staying in the 50% of Marriages that Last The Art of Relationships For a marriage to last you need to have God as the center of your relationship. no two humans will ever be in total agreement and fullfilling all the needs of the others but God... User ID:http://js-kit.com/ECHO/user/fake_user Yesterday

dustan lipende Re: Staying in the 50% of Marriages that Last The Art of Relationships ITS TRUE I HAVE IN MARRIAGE FOR 36YRS HOWEVER I HAVE GONE THOUGH A LOT OF PROBLEMS BUT I HAVE RESOLVED THEM IN POSITIVE I HAVE LEARNT THROUGH THE BIBLE THEY IS PERFECT PERSON ON EARTH AND DIVORCE A WIFE ANYHOW WILL NOT SOLVE THINGS .IF YOU MARRY ANOTHER WOMAN YOU WILL MULTPLY THE PROBLEM