Bride kidnapping

In the past bride theft was a common practice. Bride theft was used in the event that the woman was unwilling to marry her suitor. Following the theft, a wedding ceremony would be held. The father of the groom would help his son conjure up a plan to capture his bride and find people to come and help in the act. The woman would be lured out of her house and then seized. Assaulting the woman while she was still in her house was considered foul play and a fine would have to be paid. The woman would find every possible way to resist her captors and try to get her relatives to help rescue her. During the scramble, the relatives of the man would plead with the woman's family to let their daughter go with them.

After the woman had been hussled off to the man's family's house she would be forced to stay in the man's room with him. Two days later the man would send two representatives to the woman's family's house to inform them of what had happened to their daughter and gently ease all their concerns and fears regarding her plight. At the appropriate time, a formal request for marriage would be made and the wedding ceremony would be held soon after. The representatives sent to negotiate had to be masters in the art of speech and communication in order to convince the mother and father of the woman to approve of the theft. As the negotiations progressed, the representatives would try to offer tobacco to the mother and father of the woman. If they accepted the tobacco it was considered a sign they approved of the union. In the event that the man and his family did not go to the woman's family's house and inform them of the situation, it was considered to be a violation of Hmong custom and tradition, and a fine of approximately 12 maang would have to be paid (A maang is a large silver coin which the Hmong use amongst themselves). Along the same lines as this, if the woman is able to escape from her captors and return home within three days of her disappearance, the man would be fined. Sometimes, however, if the father of the woman does not wish to have his daughter marry the man who stole her away, the woman might simply be returned and no fine would be paid.

At present, bride theft has started to disappear resulting from the fact that some of the women who have been forced to marry have found themselves caught in bad marriages. Some have caused harm to themselves, but some couples have also been very successful in married life. With all the changes occurring in society, combined with Hmong now becoming more educated, it is not surprising that ways of thinking and living have begun to

change accordingly. Although bride theft is becoming a thing of the past, there are some cases in which necessity causes it to still be practiced. One example might be when a father sees that a particular woman has caught his son's eye and he is unable to persuade his son to make up his mind to marry. In this case the father might steal the bride away. This would only be allowed if the woman hadn't yet set her heart on some other man. As money has become a strong driving force in the life of man, however, if the woman in question does not love the man as much as the man loves her, but the elders of the woman's family approve, the woman will not have any right to resist. Her older relatives will force her to marry the man without exception.

Running off together

In the past it was very common for a man and woman who were in love to run off together. This would occur when the man was unable to ask the woman's family for her hand in marriage. In this case the man would get his sweetheart to pack her belongings up and run off to his house. A few days later a representative would be sent to inform the woman's mother and father of what had happened. The woman would help the family of the man with their work and when they had enough money, the man's family would go and ask for the woman's hand in marriage and would then hold a wedding ceremony in accordance with Hmong custom.

At present, Hmong seem to favor this as the best way to get married because it is inexpensive. Having two wives is not uncommon as the decision is made between two people, without the knowledge of the elders or one's relatives. In the event the relationship fails the man is able to go out and find himself another wife.

Marriage by abduction also occurs in traditional Hmong culture, in which it is known as zij poj niam.[67] As in some other cultures, bride kidnapping is generally a joint effort between the would-be groom and his friends and family. Generally, the abductor takes the woman while she is alone. The abductor then sends a message to the kidnap victim's family, informing them of the abduction and the abductor's intent to marry their daughter.[68] If the victim's family manage to find the woman and insist on her return, they might be able

to free her from the obligation to marry the man. However, if they fail to find the woman, the kidnap victim is forced to marry the man. The abductor still has to pay a bride price for the woman, generally an increased amount because of the kidnapping. Because of this increased cost (and the general unpleasantness of abduction), kidnapping is usually only a practice reserved for a man with an otherwise blemished chance of securing a bride, because of criminal background, illness or poverty.[69]

Occasionally, members of the Hmong ethnic group have engaged in bride kidnapping in the United States.[70] In some cases, the defendant has been allowed to plead a cultural defense to justify his abduction.[71] This defense has sometimes been successful. In 1985, Kong Moua, a Hmong man, kidnapped and raped a woman from a Californian college. He later claimed that this was an act of zij poj niam and was allowed to plead to false imprisonment only, instead of kidnapping and rape. The judge in this case considered cultural testimony as an explanation of the man's crime.[72]

There are 3 different ways a couple can initiate a wedding.

The first one is a formal proposal. This is when a man and representatives from his family do a formal house call. They bring gifts and money and ask the girls parents for her hand in marriage.

The second one is the most common way couples get married. When a man is interested in marrying someone, he gives her a gift. If she accepts it, it means she agrees to marry him. The gift isnt necessarily an engagement ring; it could come in the form of jewelry, clothes, or simple trinkets. American Hmong nowadays rarely practice this tradition of gift-giving before marriage.

The groom will then take his bride, or she will run away with him, on a later date. This symbolic elopement is to prove to the guy that she loves him enough to leave her family. After the couple gets to the grooms house, his family will send an envoy to the brides family to announce that their daughter is with them.

The third is bride-napping zij poj niam. This is a very abusive tradition. This happens when a man has no respect for the females feelings and decides that even if she doesnt want to marry him, he will force her to. Sometimes, the man will give her a gift (refer to above) and not let his intentions be known. Here, in the US, he may tell the girl he wants to take her out and instead take her to his house. In Asia, he may come to her house when her parents are not home and literally carry or drag her home with the help of male friends or relatives.

Now, if the bride had accepted a gift from the groom, theres basically nothing she or her family can do to stop the wedding from taking place. If the groom did not give her a gift, or if she didnt accept anything, she can go back to her family.