The Bizzible

By C1ank

Genesis (Part 1) Ok so in the beginning, God makes Heaven and Earth, and hes all I like that boulder, thats a nice boulder. But it needs stuff on it, like trees and fish and a few animals, maybe a Quiznos. Gods a Sims kinda guy, so he busts open the divine character creator, messes with some sliders, and hes got himself a pretty good creation in his own image. He names the creation Adam. Time goes by and Adam keeps walking around being mopey. He wants himself a buddy. So God makes Eve; Man 2.0, now with more features and none of the gross dangly bits. Adam is pretty stoked. They hang out and have slumber parties and give silly names to creatures like the Boobie and the Dik Dik. God tells them to go forth and multiply, but they dont really do the second part because they were too busy braiding each others hair. He also warns them not to eat from the Tree of Knowledge. So God leaves for a bit, presumably to go bury the dinosaurs. When He gets back, God finds Eve had been taking advice from less than reputable sources, and had gone and eaten the Apple of Knowledge. They might have gotten away with it, but when God came walking into the garden, or floating or however God preferred to move around, Eve and Adam got all prudish and covered up their naughty bits. God was all What the frig!? I leave you for five minutes and you steal the Fruit of Knowledge? We had one rule guys, come on! Thats it, partys over, you dont have to go home but you cant stay here. You see, God was not just miffed, but concerned. Eden had the Tree of Life in it, not just the Tree of Knowledge. What was to stop them from eating its fruit as well, and having eternal life? Then theyd have souls, free will, knowledge, and eternal life. They wouldnt be far off from being gods themselves, and that dog dont hunt Monsignor. So Adam and Eve, feeling pretty lame, sulk out of the Garden of Eden. Eve is bummed, because as the instigator of all the lameness, she is punished with having to go through really painful childbirth, and now has to have periods all the time, and all Adam gets stuck with is never hearing the end of it. The two go out into the world. God places a bunch of really hardcore angels and a big ass flaming sword around the Garden, so humans will never get in again and become gods. Few years go by, Adam and Eve have kids. Two fine young chaps Cain and Abel. Cain is a farmer, and Abel is a shepherd. The two grow up, work hard, theyre good kids really. Never stay out late, always do their chores, didnt instigate any rebellions against the Divine; you know, good kids. Adam and Eve havent changed much, but they have upgraded from fig leaves to clothes, so theres that.

One day, Cain and Abel bring offerings to God. Cain brings the fruits of the Earth, and Abel brings a lamb. Given the history humans have with fruit, God understandably goes Yeah, yeah, thats nice Cain. Now Abel, tell me more about this Lamb youre going to give me? Cain is pissed. He worked pretty damn hard for that fruit. So Abel, later, feeling mighty gangsta for being homies with God, comes to hang with Cain in his fields. Cain straight up murders Abel, but then God shows up and asks where his number one home boy is. Cain, Uh, dunno, Im not my brothers keeper or anything... God, Youre not? Well you should be, actually we gotta write that down at some point... Then Abels blood is all like, Yo God, that dick totes killed me. God, unphased by talking blood, said Cain, you horses ass. I punish you with this mark on your face, so God marks him as the first murderer, You shall never again succeed in farming, and you shall wander forever without stopping. Cain protested, saying hed surely be killed if people saw the mark on his face. Whered the other people come from, you ask? Probably around the same time God went and buried the dinosaurs he made other people. A normal God day lasts like a thousand years, and he was gone for like three back in the good ol days before Adam and Eve cocked things up (hence why the universe was made in 7 days, them be God days). Anyway, God sees his point, and since Hes pissed but not enough to let Cain die painfully, God says that anyone who does Cain harm will get it back times seven. Dont play bloody knuckles with Cain. So Cain leaves, Adam and Eve are pretty miffed but they kinda learned not to argue with divine beings and figure they kinda owe god after ruining paradise for everyone. Cain settles in the land of Nod, proving that whole wander forever thing was more of a guideline than an actual rule. There he has a son named Enoch, and names a city he founds after the kid. Enoch gets busy and has a kid named Irad, who grew up and got equally busy and had a kid named Methushael, who subsequently, following in his familys tradition, also got some action and had a son named Lamech. Lamech has some kids, three to be exact. One goes off and starts the trend of living in tents, the other gets really into the music scene, and the final one decides to learn a marketable skill and discovers how to forge iron and copper. Lamech kills a kid because the kid bruised him, and by Lamechs logic, if Great Grandpa Cain gets sevenfold vengeance, then he should get 77 fold vengeance. Hes not wrong, hes just an asshole. Adam and Eve, who are still kickin it, have a third son named Seth. Seth has a son named Enosh, and people start to actually pray for the first time. Gods stoked, like a grandparent

in a retirement home finally getting calls from their grandkids. Adam and Eve have a bunch more sons and daughters, and Adam dies at the ripe old age of 912. Most of Adams kids dont really seem to have the good sense to die from old age, and live similarly long lives. Enoch has another kid with a really similar name, and the kid goes and walks with God for 300 years, which given how long a God day was, equates to a pleasant nature walk in the afternoon right before that annoying time when the bugs come out, but late enough that its not too hot. So all these kids keep having kids, but theyre not really developing as a people. Adam and Eve messed up, their kids messed up, their kids kids messed up, and so on. God gets kind of annoyed, but gives them a couple more generations. That kid that walked with God for 300 years has a son and that son has a son and named him Noah. Gods just about ready to etch-a-sketch erase the entire Earth and start again when Noah makes some damn fine arguments for the preservation of man. God digs this kids moxie, and lets him and his family live, but figures maybe people are getting to be assholes because after 90 years they seem to just get grumpy, so letting them live to 900 might be a bad idea. He lowers the level cap to 120 so people start dying off sooner. At some point in here a bunch of divine beings get busy with some human ladies and make the Nephelim. TL;DR God Makes everything, Adam and Eve screw the pooch, then screw each other. Their kid kills their other kid, then goes out into the world and breeds like nobodys business. A few generations later, God gets tired of everyone living so damn long and makes it so we die sooner. Theres a cool dude named Noah.

Genesis (Part 2) So Noah was one righteous dude. He walked on the Earth with nothing but good faith and the belief that we should all be excellent to each other and party on. He had three sons, Ham, Shem, and Japheth. They were all pretty cool guys. But in Gods eyes everyone else could kick rocks. Humanity generally sucked and people were being most un-excellent. God wanted to fix this, so he decided hed drown the suckers and start over. Noah was pretty upset about this, and prayed a ton to God. God digged his style, being all righteous and whatnot, so God told Noah that God would spare him, his wife, his three sons, and their wives. In addition to them, God was pretty big on all the cute woodland creatures, so He decided Hed have them saved as well. But how? With a boat, mutha ucka, thats how. God drafted up some best laid plans and set them before Noah. Noah must have been mighty good with an axe, or owned a few lumber yards or something, because the designs called for the ship to be 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide and 30 cubits high. Thats pretty much 150 meters long. So about one and a half football fields. Pretty hefty boat for back then. So God wants this made out of Gopher wood, which isnt really important to mention but always is anyway, and He gives Noah a bunch of design ideas like where to put the ramp, how to bring in outside light, and quaint ways of turning old doilies into wall art. So Noah builds that ship, and gathers a male and a female from all the animal species. Back then, that probably meant some goats, sheep, horses, dogs, cats; livestock and beasts of burden mostly. No giraffes, sorry guys. Right around when Noah was at the ripe age of 600 (600 is the Old Testaments 40), Noah and his crew load up in the Ark and batten down the proverbial hatches. God does his biblical thing and floods the crap out of Earth. Which probably meant Mesopotamia. The Tigris and the Euphrates are crazy temperamental rivers, so historically, flooding makes sense. For bonus points, read the Epic of Gilgamesh, and pay attention to the character Utnapishtim. Really old guy, never seems to die, had a big boat his family escaped a great flood on. Sound familiar? Probably the same dude. Anyway, back to the story at hand. For 40 days and 40 nights it rains enough to make London feel inadequate by comparison, and the waters get to be so high even the highest mountain is under them. Everyone is dead, save for Noah and his homies. 150 days go by, during which time Im sure some of the chickens started to look mighty tasty, and eventually the Ark comes to reached the mountains of Ararat. After sending out a dove, it came right back, unable to find a place to chill. This generally bummed everyone out. Seven more days, they send the dove again, it

came back with an olive branch. Finally, seven days later they do it one last time, and it doesnt come back. Noah opens the Ark and realizes the ground is dry and safe. One would assume hed built a window to check out how things were going, but by the sounds of it, the Ark was a giant floating vault more than a boat. God tells them to set up a sick crib in their new home, make lots of babies, and says to Noah You guys seem pretty cool. I think Ill keep ya around for a while. Here, eat some animals, just...you know, cook them first. No eating raw stuff, youll get sick. God was, by the sounds of it, a middle aged mom, but not a sheltered suburban one, because he followed that up with and if anyone kills somebody you shank that bitch. Eye for an eye, mutha ucka. God vowed never to flood the Earth again, and made a covenant with Noah and his kids to never do so. As proof, he invented the rainbow, so that whenever rain stops well allways see that pretty reminder that God cares enough not to kill us all horribly. God, see that? Rain stopped. Im NOT killing all of you with a flood. Im cool now, promise. So Noahs pretty happy. He plants the first vinyard, and becomes the first guy to get plastered. He passes out drunk in his tent, buck nekid. Since nobody wants to see a 600 year old guys trouser snake, when Ham sees him naked he tells Shem and Japheth, who quickly (and carefuly, so as not to see old man dick) cover their father up. Well, Noah wakes up, and wasnt too keen on being seen naked. Ham gets the short end of the stick in this situation. Fuck everything about this, rails Noah, Ham, your son Canaan is now a slave to your brothers. But Japheth, I pray to God that you die fat and happy, and Shem, I pray that God blesses you, I love you both for being so respectful as to not peep on my jubblies. So the story just sort of drops all that, and quickly shifts to laying out how the various powers that be came to be said powers through Noahs kids boinking prolifically. Japheths kids formed the maritime nations, Hams son Cush had a son named Nimrod, who was king of Babylon and was a really, really, ridiculously good hunter. Hams other son Mizrain brought about the Philistines and the Caphtorim. Canaan, in another unfornate turn of events, settled his children in areas like Gaza, and even as far as Sodom and Gommorah. Canaan does not have the best run of luck. So after a few hundred years, everyone is speaking the same language. Life is pretty good. God hasnt been pissed off by anything lately, and weve checked off 300 Years Since Last Incident on the company bulletin board. Were doing great, actually. So great Gods getting a bit worried. We start building a tower

so big that were going to be able to reach the clouds. It is in a great city, one thats full of like minded people working together, all speaking the same language. We, as a species, feel we can do anything. Well, remember in God days were about two weeks since He got screwed over by humans getting too close to being able to do anything, so Hes not over-eagre to have it happen again. He crashes the tower, scattering the people of the city and scrambling their language so that they cannot communicate as freely. The city still remained, but under the name Babel and at a fraction of its former glory. We return to the story of Shem and his kids, one named Abram, one named Haran, and another named Nahor. Nahor ends up marrying Harans daughter, which was a bit weird, but not as weird as things are about to get. Abram married Sarai, and along with Lot, Nahor, and his wife-neice, they set out from the city of Ur towards the lands of Canaan, where unbeknownst to them the shit was about to hit the fan. TL;DR Noah makes a boat, rides out a flood, gets wasted, yells at his kids, who then leave and form a bunch of nations. The kids of said nations then do a bit of inbreeding and head out for adventure in the direction of Sodom and Gommorrah. Canaan has a bad time.

Genesis (Part 3) So Abram, his wife, and his nephew Lot are heading out of Haran, which is also the name of a region. God checks in with Abram, Abram, buddy, pal, hombre, I love ya! Jees, this guy, right? Anyway, Ive got big plans for you. Youre getting a nation, youre getting blessed, youre family is getting blessed, and anyone who messes with you is screwed. God was like Oprah tossing around her favorite things. You get a nation, you get a nation! Everybody gets a new nation! So the Biblical Buddies settle in Canaan, which is now the name of a region where all of Canaans descendants live. A famine comes, and Abram has no choicee but to go down to Egypt to score some grub for his peeps. He brings his wife, Sarai, but says that she is his sister so that the Egyptians dont try to start any funny business. Well, upon arrival, the Egyptians react thusly: Holy Rah, thats one smokin hot babe, we should tell Pharaoh bout her. So they do, and Pharaoh is mad interested in the mighty fine Sarai. So he marries her. Quick as that. In return, Abram gets a ton of free stuff, like sheep, oxen, donkeys, and slaves. Hes pretty much set to live out that famine back home and still be a rich man after. Pharaoh, meanwhile, has married the wife of Gods choice bro on Earth, so God afflicts his house with plagues. Pharaohs do not fare well with plagues, generally, so the Pharaoh is all What the shit, Abram, why didnt you say she was your wife? Better question is why WOULD you say that, when youve got divine guns backing your bluff. Abram is escorted out of Egypt with his wife, but gets to keep all his stuff. Abram is one crafty man of God. So Abram and Lot are now in possession of so much cattle that their lands cant even hold them all. Lots crew and Abrams crew start fighting like the Sharks and the Jets, and the only way they see fit to fix it is by having one person leave. Lot gets first choice, and in a historically stupid move decides Sodom looks like the coziest place to settle. He splits, and Abram decides to find a new place as well. God, No worries dude, no matter where you go, youre gonna have TONS of kids, and their kids are gonna have tons of kids, and youll be doin real well. I got your back bro. So Abram settled in Hebron, and built a lovely altar there for God. Suddenly, war were declared. A bunch of angry Mesopotamian kings and the King of Sodom (as well as Gomorrah and a couple other cities) decide to duke it out. They battle in a valley that is now the Dead Sea. They wipe out a few tribes on either side, and things are

looking pretty good for the Sodomites when suddenly the Mesopotamians start kicking their asses. The Sodomites flee, and the Mesopotamians capture Lot and all his stuff, taking him away as prisoner. A refugee tells Abram, and he goes into action. Biblical Buddies, ASSEMBLE!!! Abram leads 318 (boom, take that Leonidas) into battle, following the Mesopotamians as far as Salem, which would eventually become a city you may have heard of called Jerusalem. Abram wins (duh) and brings Lot home to Sodom, a place Lot still thinks is awesome and worth staying at. So he stays. Abram is told by God to get a bunch of animals, slice em in two, and hang out. Abram was a bit bummed, you see, because he still didnt have any kids. God told him to count the stars and thats how many people he would be the father to. This got him pretty stoked. Anyway, he flays the animals, and falls asleep. Then God drops some truth bombs in Abrams dream. God, Abram, buddy. Good news and bad news. Which do you want first? Abram, Bad? God, Your people will be enslaved for 400 years. Its really, really gonna suck. Abram, That does suck. Whats the good news? God, Its going to be really wicked awesome when I smite the oppressors asses for doing it. Abram, Fair enough. God, Also, Im gonna give you all the land between Egypt and the Euphretes. Thats most of the known world at that point, so Abram is so down with that plan. They form a covenant. Abram gets down to making heirs. But Sarai is not so great at the babymaking. Great at the act, terrible at the followthrough. So no kids for Abram. Her solution? Here, just bang my handmaiden, SHE will give you a son. The handmaiden, Hagar, goes along with it. Sarai, despite suggesting it in the first place, gets kinda bitter that her handmaiden is sleeping with her husband, and treats Hagar like crap. Hagar runs away. Down from the Heavens comes an Angel. Angel, Whats happenin Hagar? Hagar, Mistress treats me poorly. Angel,Sucky.

Hagar, Yes, it is. So Im running away. Angel, Cant let you do that. Your son will be Ishmael, who is going to be a pretty big deal. You cant leave. Hagar, But I wanna. Angel, You arent allowed, but God has your back, youll be fine. Your son will be mad crazy but hell be cool in the end. So she goes back, and when Abram is 86, he has his first son, and of course names him Ishmael. 13 years later, God comes to him and tells him that he must walk in the path of God and be blameless. Abram throws himself down on the ground praising God, and God gives him the name Abraham. Its a big moment for all involved. Abraham is promised to be the father of nations and kings. Join the club, seems everyone gets a nation in the Old Testament. But these would be bigger, better nations. God goes one step further, he promises to make the covenant not on a one to one basis, but permanent. This is the first time this has happened(officially, by Gods command). As a mark of devotion to God, every male (even slaves) would have to have a chunk of their jubblies cut off after they turned 8 days old. If you didnt do this, the foreskin would prove you dont give a crap about God, or else you would have gotten your member sliced up to prove it. God also renames Sarai to Sarah, and said he was going to bless her so she could have kids. She would give Abraham a son that would grant him a lineage of kings and nations. Abraham asks about Ishmael, but God has other plans for the kid and says rather that Sarahs kid will be the important one. Abraham pleads, and God says ok, blesses Ishmael and promises his future will be full of wealth and happiness, but he wouldnt be the father of the line that continues the Covenant. That would be Isaac, Abrahams unborn child with Sarah. God finishes what he was saying, and clearly was in a hurry because he was just suddenly gone. Abraham immediately went home and circumcised himself, then every male in his tribe, including the 13 year old Ishmael. Not a great father son moment for Ishmael. TL;DR Abram goes to Canaan, then Egypt where he scores sick merch by selling his wife (temporarily). He goes home, Lot heads to Sodom, war happens, Lot gets taken, Abram goes all Avengers on the Mesopotamians, Lot still thinks Sodom is a good idea. Abram has an illegitimate son, then later a legit one, and the newly renamed Abraham chops up some man bits to prove him and God are BFFs.

Genesis (Part 4) Abraham, now free of excess willy skin, sat at the heat of day by the entrance of one of his tents. It was pretty darn hot out, and right before ideas of hitting up the local YMCA for a swim in the pool could cross his mind, three men appeared, and Abraham recognized them as God. Clearly after so many hangouts, God couldnt craft a costume tricky enough for Abraham to not see through. Abraham immediately got to getting some grub for the three men. Curds, milk, honey, cakes, a decent spread to be sure. He even killed a calf and quickly cooked it up for them. They rested together under a tree and chatted. God, Thanks for the noms. Abraham, Of course, God, anything for you. Youre God, after all. God, Yes, I am, pass the curds...Mmm, them fine curds. Anyway, Ive got good news. You and Sarah are gonna have that kid of yours soon. Sarah, nearby, laughed to herself, either at the thought of the nearly 100 year old Abraham being able to do the deed at all, or maybe a nearby squirrel did something cute. Either way, God sees all, and He sure as heck saw her laughing after He said something. Not cool, Sarah. God, Why are you laughin at me, Sarah? You think Im joking? Sarah, What? God, I asked you if you think Im joking? Sarah, What...I...no.. God, Say what again! I dare you, I double dare you! Abraham, Woah, woah, nobody meant any offense. Sarah, I swear, God, I didnt laugh. God, ....Yeah ok, you better not have. Because youre going to have a son, I promise you that. And hes going to be a really big deal. God gets up to leave, all three of Him (in some depictions they are three angels who stand for God, not literally three guys who ARE God), thanks Abraham for his hospitality and heads in the direction of Sodom. It is their/His intention of wiping out the sin of that city. See Lot, not a great choice, was it? Abraham is freaked out, he knows some people out Sodom way, and he begs God to spare the good people, even if there are only 50 in the entire city. God agrees. Abraham, What about 40? God, Yeah ok, even if there are only 40.

Abraham, 30. God, Sure. Abraham, Ok but 20? God, ...yes. Abraham, Alright, but how bout 10? God, By all thats good and holy, Abraham, ANY NUMBER! Now buzz off I have to go blow up a city. Abraham dutifully scurries off, and God/the three angels continue on their way. A little ways away, Lot is hanging out in Sodom by the gate, when two ridiculously good looking angels walk up. The third was busy picking up a cornetto down at the shop or something. So the two walk up, and Lot is quite humbled. He offers to bathe their feet and give them beds in his home for the night. Fantastically good looking Angels, Nah, were good, well sleep in the public square. Lot, Erm, you sure about that? Its not exactly...comfortable there. Incredibly good looking Angels, Really? Lot, Yeah, theres....bugs, and stuff. Seriously, come stay with me. The unfathomably good looking angels agree to stay with Lot. They have a feast of meats and cheeses and unleavened bread, and things are looking pretty good for Sodom. No trouble yet, the angels arent pissed or anything, no hellfire for ol Lot tonight, hoho! But then the dudes of Sodom showed up, banging on the doors. Horde of horny Sodomites, Hey, Lot, can we come in? We heard you have unleavend bread and we love that stuff. Lot, shouting from behind his barred doors, no you dont, you just want to have your way with my guests! Horde of horny Sodomites, That too! Lot, But theyre men! Horde of horny Sodomites, Were not picky! Lot, What about my two virgin daughters? You can have them! Horde of horny Sodomites, ...well, were a little picky. Bring out the sexy dudes! The angels, personally not interested in the butt-stuff, tossed the Holy Flashbang into the rowdy crowd of men in heat, blinding them. The angels warned Lot to get his family and all those he loved out of the city. He sent word to his sons-in-law, but they laughed at the idea of sexy angels blowing up the city, so they ignored him. Lot grabbed his wife, and his two

daughters, and asked the angels to spare the nearby town that he intended to flee to. They agreed, but warned him that the rules of blowing up a city with hellfire work the same way as the zombie apocalypse. Dont look back. Well, good old Mrs. Lot was pretty quick to look back when she heard the entire city blow up behind her a while after theyd gone through the gates. She was instantly turned into a pillar of salt. Lot, being a cool guy, kept going since cool guys dont look at explosions. Gomorrah also got blown up. Assumedly things were even kinkier there, because nobody got out of that one. Homeless, wandering in the direction of the next town, Lot and his daughters took shelter in a cave. Then things got freaky. Lots daughters werent so sharp. The older one jumped to the immediate conclusion that all men but Lot had been wiped out. So of course her first thought is to get her dad good and drunk, and have sex with him. They both had sex with him, without his knowledge. You have to be pretty punch drunk to not recognize your own daughters during sex, so, well, heres hoping Lot just really couldnt handle his booze. Their children went on to form two new tribes, though they were likely known for their third eyes and extra toes. Gene pool was more of a gene splash. Going back to Abraham, hes pulling the same stunt he pulled with the Pharaoh way back, but this time for different reasons. He has, yet again, said that Sarah is his sister. But this time to king Abimelech of the Philistines. Well, of course, being the beauty she is, Abimelech intends to marry her pretty quick. He wishes to be, ahem, with her as soon as possible. He has her taken from Abraham. But that night, God tells the king during a dream that he really should avoid that, being that Sarah is married to Gods prophet Abraham. God generally messes people up who try to get with Sarah. God says He knows the king is a cool dude, though, hence the warning. Abimelech gets up the next morning, cancels all plans with Sarah, and confronts Abraham. Abimelech, What the shit, Abraham, why do you keep telling people Sarah is your sister? Are you TRYING to get me smited in a most gnarly fashion? Abraham, I feared you would have me killed if you knew the truth. Abimelech, Which is? Abraham, Well, she kinda is my sister... and my wife. Shes my half sister on my fathers side. Now back then it was ok to be with a half sister on your moms side, it seems, so hed been

telling everyone that. Seems they viewed genetics as coming solely from the father. Fathers gave blueprints, mothers gave supplies, but the genetics only really counted for the dad. Well, turns out, she was his half sister through his dad, making that a big social no no (and likely why they werent having a whole wack of kids). Well, the king was just talked to by God, so hes not really in a place to kill Abraham. Now, God had stricken the women of Abimelech infertile since Sarah had been taken, but He set them all right once she was returned to Abraham. The king gives Abraham permission to settle anywhere in his lands, and even gives him a ton of loot including cattle and slaves. On top of that, he gives them both a ton of silver, by way of publicly saying sorry to Sarah for trying to get with her. A few years later, Abraham is 100 years old; lo and behold, Isaac, his true son, is finally born. Sarah has a good chuckle about this, as its hilarious to her it took him until he was 100 to finally make a legit kid. Everyone laughs. Comedy clubs in ancient times must have been pretty dull. Well, Sarah, now having her own kid, was tired of Hagar and little, illegitimate Ishmael. So she tells Abraham to throw them out. Well, Abraham is worried, but God tells him to do as Sarah says, probably because shes a mom now and you dont mess with moms. Abraham agrees, gives Hagar some food and water, and sends her on her way. They wander in the direction of a city, but run out of water. Hagar abandons Ishmael, and goes off so she wont have to see him die. Its all really depressing, until an angel shows up, grants them a well, and God tells them that he will always look after Ishmael and he shall father a nation. Hagar is happy again, and Ishmael grows up to be a bowman and lands himself a lovely Egyptian bride. For a little while Abimelech and Abraham bitch over who owns a well, Abraham gives Abimelech a bunch of ewes and the two sign a pact saying yeah, sure, the well is Abrahams. Everyone goes home relatively happy. But now comes the binding of Isaac. God, coming down from on high, commands Abraham to take his young son to the land of Moriah and kill him in Gods name. Abraham is distressed, but he knows not to question the big man, so he takes his son and some supplies and makes the journey. Well, they arrive, and gather wood to make the pyre where theyre going to give the burnt offering to God. Isaac hasnt really been made privy to the whole murder your son thing. Isaac, Hey dad, wheres the sheep for the offering? Abraham, Gods bringing it. Isaac, Why? Abraham, Because He doesnt want our sheep.

Isaac, Why? Abraham, Because He said so. Isaac, ...why? Abraham, Maybe this wont be so hard after all. The two head to the place of offering, where they set up the wood and the knife for gutting the...sheep. Abraham quickly binds up Isaac, and lays him down for slaughter, when an angel calls out. Angel, Woah, dude, okay, you proved your devotion. Now untie the kid. Abraham, Really, because Ive got him all tied up... Its no trouble... Angel, Yeah, Im sure. Gods blessings upon you and your son for all time. Your offspring will number greater than the stars and the sands of the beaches. Just, you know, dont stab the kid. Abraham, Oh, okay then. So he slaughtered a nearby ram that was stuck in a bush (shows that ram for not paying more attention to bushes) and then went home. Abraham returns and finds out his uncles kids have had some kids, most notably one named Rebekah, and things are going well for the family in general. It was a rich, full day. TL;DR Sexy angels blow up Sodom after having a snack with Abraham, Lot gets jiggy with his daughters in a cave, Ishmael grows up and gets married, and Isaac gets bound up and almost killed by his dad in one of Gods more famous psych, I was just testing you moments.

Genesis (Part 5) Sarah dies at the age of 127. Abraham, bummed out beyond recognition, goes to find her the greatest burial site. He choses a cave in a field in Machpelah, and despite the locals offering to give him the land out of respect, he insists on paying for it. Such a bro. Abraham had his chief servant swear that he would find Isaac a wife in Abrahams homeland, but he forbid the servant from bringing Isaac with him, saying the lands of Canaan were promised to Isaac and he had to stay there. Abraham told him an angel would keep him safe, and would tell anyone who tried to mess with him to kindly bugger off. j The servant asks God some random requirements for the lady hes looking for, once he arrived in Nahor, and hardly before finishing saying them the lovely Rebekah mentioned before walks up and fills all the requirements in one quick go. Keeping with the tradition of not really marrying outside the family, Rebekah is the daughter of Abrahams nephew. The servant thanks God for making his job painfully easy, and then goes to stay at Rebekahs dads place for the night. At Rebekahs place, the servant tells the family all about their massively successful great uncle and how hes Gods main dude. Sufficiently impressed by the prospect of his daughter marrying the son of a man whos not only unreasonably rich but also a prophet of God, Bethule, Rebekahs father, said she could go mary Isaac. Nobody really asked Rebekah, sadly, but Im sure she figured she could do worse. After some negotiating, a dowry was paid, and Rebekah saddled up with the servant. Isaac went out walking through a field a while later, and saw camels approaching. It was the servant. Rebekah asked who the good lookin fella in the field was, and the servant said thats her future husband. All shy and whatnot she put on her veil and greeted him. Isaac took quite the shine to her, and later that night, they were husband and wife, if you catch my drift. Abraham got himself another wife, had a bunch more kids, but when he died he left them only with a bunch of concubines, leaving his entire fortune to Isaac alone. Kinda gross, inheriting your 175 year old dads concubines, but hey, they didnt seem to complain much. He was making babies till the day he died, so to say he died happy is an understatement. Isaac and Ishmael buried him next to Sarah in the cave at Mechpelah. Ishmael lived to be 137, and his 12 children became the chieftains of twelve tribes whose influence would grow to span all across the middle east. TL;DR Sarah dies, and Abraham is sad. Rebekah, Isaacs cousin, is pretty smokin hot so he marries her. Abraham dies at 175, but not after boinking six more kids into existence with his second wife. Ishmael lives a long, fruitful life, but Isaac walks away from all of it super

rich and chosen by God as new chief bro among men.

Genesis (Part 6) Rebekah turns out to be barren, but Isaac is number one hombre of God at this point, so that doesnt last long. She becomes pregnant with twins, and God tells her one will rock and one will rock slightly less. One came out red and furry, so they named him Esau, and the other came out gripping Esaus ankle, so they named him Jacob. That makes sense in ancient Hebrew I guess. Esau, the first born, had a birthright that would see him be the greater of the two. He became a hunter of most excellent skills, while Jacob was kind of a nerd. Jacob stayed at the camp with the women most often, while Esau went and killed stuff. One day, when they were older, Esau comes bursting into camp and demands Jacob make him some of Jacobs awesome red stew. Jacob agrees, but only if Esau gives up his birthright and lets Jacob be the one destined for greatness. That must have been some fine stew, because Esau quickly agreed. A famine strikes, and Isaac goes to ol Abimelech for some help, gets some, but hes considering going down to Egypt to get more help. God, Nah, Isaac, dont go down there. Ive got you covered. Hold tight. Im good with weather. So Isaac stays in his lands, and doesnt go to Egypt. He instead hangs out with Abimelech some more, and pulling the EXACT SAME MOVE as his dad, he calls Rebekah his sister. Clearly, back then, it was easier to have a sister than a wife. Isaac was afraid the Philistines would kill him and take Rebekah, but didnt think theyd do that if they thought she was his sister. But Abimelech sees Isaac fondling Rebekah one night. Abimelech, Seriously Isaac, shes your wife? Whats with you and your dad? You have problems... Isaac, But it always worked out for dad. He was afraid Mom would get killed, so he called her his sister, and that always worked. Why shouldnt it work for me? Abimelech, Well, for one thing, Abraham didnt grab your moms boob in public, so we were more inclined to believe him. But seriously, youre going to get us kind hearted Philistines in trouble if you keep lying like that. What if someone tried to have sex with your wife thinking she was your sister? Not cool bro. So Isaac stopped pulling his dads move and admitted Rebekah was his wife, and for a while things were pretty decent as the famine ended. Eventually Isaacs house got so big, and so wealthy, he was the envy of every Philistine. They kicked him out and stopped up all his wells because they were mad jealous and he

clearly had more swag than them. Isaac was all, U mad bro? and left, heading back to where Abraham had lived years prior. He redug some wells, but he kind of dug some wells on land that wasnt his, so he got kicked out again. Finally, he dug a really big well, and nobody contested him, so that was swell. A little while later, after Isaac has coffee with God a few times, Abimelech and some of his cronies show up. Isaac doesnt like the look of this, and confronts them as they arrive, old west style. But instead of six shooters, hes packin the Lord on his side. Isaac, What yall doin comin round these parts? Last I seen you, yall didnt seem too keen on seein me or mine ever again. Abimelech, We reckon God gonna kick our Philistine asses to high heaven if we dont start bein nice like with yall. Isaac, Good call. So they made nice. Esau, proving to further be the screw up of the family, marries two Hittite women, and that doesnt go over well. Thanksgiving, had they had Thanksgiving, would have been really awkward at the Isaac household. In a little twist, Isaac has grown old, and wants to bless Esau (whom he liked a lot more than Jacob), but Rebekah (who liked Jacob more) managed to trick Isaac into thinking Jacob was Esau by taking advantage of Isaacs poor eyesight. Esau gets back from doing as he had been instructed, realizes that his brother was blessed instead of him, and freaks out. Isaac freaks out too, because he basically gave all the tribes power to Jacob, and you cant take that kind of blessing back. Esau swore vengeance, and fearing both her sons were going to kill each other, Rebekah got Isaac to send Jacob off to the lands of Rebekah's family so Jacob could find himself a good wife. She hoped this would give Esau time to cool off. Isaac gave Jacob further blessing, and since hed been given everything else already, Isaac thought why not? then went ahead and promised him the lands which were promised Abraham by God. Esau, realizing that hed pissed off his dad by marrying Hittite women, ditched them and married one of Ishmaels kids. TL;DR Isaac prospers, has twins, ones hairy, ones wily. Basically Hebrew Thor and Loki. Hebrew Thor kicks ass, Hebrew Loki is clever and not only cons Hebrew Thor out of his birthright, but out of Isaacs blessing and ownership of the promised land. Hebrew Thor swears vengeance, Hebrew Loki splits to get a wife. Along the way Isaac tries to pull the same sister-wife con his dad did, but fails epicly when he pulls it on the same guy his dad did.

Genesis (Part 7) Jacob, on his way out of town to avoid getting his butt whooped by his brother, stops for the night to sleep. In his dreams he sees a ladder on which Gods angels ascend and descend. God talks to him. God, Stick with me kid, and youll go places. All you see will be yours. Jacob, Eff yeah! He wakes up, and taking the rock he was using as a pillow, he stands it up, covers it in oil, and proclaims it a marker of the House of God. He swears to make God his lord forever, and promises to give one tenth of everything he earns to God. God is stoked, Jacob is stoked, everyone is pretty happy. Except Esau, who is still upset he got the rug pulled out from under him. Jacob continues on to Haran where his kinsmen are, so he can find a wife. He arrives, and meets some shepherds near a well thats had a stone put on top of it. The sheep are lazing about, as are the shepherds. Jacob, Am I in Haran? Shepherd, Yup. Jacob, Is Laban here? Shepherd, Yup. Jacob, Is he well? Shepherd, Yup. Jacob, ...so you gonna water those sheep? Shepherd, Nope. Jacob, Ok then... Then Rachel shows up, daughter of Laban, and shes gorgeous. She brings the rest of the flock, and THEN the shepherds are able to give them all water at once. But Jacob decides hes an eager beaver, and does all their work for them, then kisses Rachel and tells her hes her kin. She gets all excited, gets her father, who is overjoyed and gives Jacob a big ol smooch. They hang out for a month, and Jacob gets to know Rachel and Labans other daughter Leah, who is less pretty and cant see very well. To be clear, these are Jacobs cousins on his mothers side, as Laban is Rebekahs brother. Jacob tells Laban that he will work seven years for him, in exchange for Rachels hand in marriage. Laban, not looking a gift horse in the mouth, says sure. Jacobs love makes the

years feel like days, and eventually theres a wedding. But Laban tricks Jacob, and brings him Leah instead. Jacob is pissed, but Laban tells him he can marry Rachel as well if he works for another seven years. He did the work, begrudgingly, and married Rachel as well. But God didnt like the fact that Jacob only loved Rachel, not Leah, so he made Leah extremely fertile and Rebeccah infertile. She had three sons, Reuben, then Simeon, then Levi, then finally Judah. Rachel got really jealous, had a big fight with Jacob, and somehow in the end he got to sleep with her handmaiden and make a baby that way. Then when Leah stopped being able to produce, she did the same thing, but with her handmaiden. They had some more kids. Reuben found some mandrakes one day, and bringing them home, Leah and Rachel fought over them. Rachel said that Jacob could sleep with Leah that night if she got to have the mandrakes. Leah agreed, and nine months later baby Issachar was born. Leah had one more son with Jacob before having a daughter named Dinah. Finally God answered Rachel, and let her have a son, and named him Joseph. Finally, Jacob decides to go home, and Laban lets him. Through some clever shepherd work, Jacob lands the strongest and best of Labans flock for himself. Laban didnt like this so much. His sons went around making it out that Jacob had outright stolen from Laban, when this was not the case. So Jacob got going while the going was good, and went back to his homeland, the land God had promised him. Rachel, being the goof she is, steals her fathers idols. Now, at this point in time, God was still on a one on one basis with most folk. Everyone had their personal gods, more or less, so despite being related to freaking Abraham, Laban was still what most would kindly call a pagan. And Rachel was his daughter, so those gods were her gods as well. But she didnt really get that she was backing the wrong team when she grabbed the idols, so she went ahead with it anyway. Well, Laban is even more pissed, and catches up with Jacob. Laban, Wheres my idols? Jacob, I dont got no stinkin idols! Laban, Well one of you does! Jacob, Fine, Ill kill whoever has the idols, fair? Well, they ransack Jacobs tents, pissing off Jacob in the process, until they get to Rachels tent. She stays seated, as shes on her lady times, and denies having the idols. Laban searches, but does not find them. Jacob tells Laban to kindly piss off, as Laban turned out to be a royal douche, reducing Jacobs wages a total of ten times over the years. Laban and Jacob decided, rather than fight, theyd make a covenant. So they marked a border between their lands, ate a feast, and Laban swore on the gods of Abraham, Nahor,

and Terah (which, if youve been following along, are all the same God, He just never chatted with Nahor or Terah much). The next day, Jacob meets some angels, and tells them that his is Gods camp, and hes naming it Mahanaim. TL;DR Jacob tries to marry one girl, gets her more homely sister instead, has to work 14 years to marry the one he wants. He has a boatload of kids, then splits town, but not before ticking off his former boss and father in law. They make peace, and Jacob invents bible camp.

Genesis (Part 8) Jacob sends messengers to Esau, hoping to make amends with his estranged brother. His messengers return with word that Esau plans to attack him with the help of 400 men. Jacob has an Ive made a huge mistake moment, and tells his group to split into two camps, so that if one dies, the other will survive. Remembering Gods promise to keep him alive, he prays his arse off. Jacob, sending tons of gifts to his brother in groups of hundreds of goats, sheep, oxen, and the like, sends his wives and children to a safe place while staying behind on the other side of a river. There, he ends up wrestling with a man all night long. As the day breaks, he finds that this was no man at all. The man speaks, hey, good game, bro. You had me there a while back, good thing I pulled that move with your thigh. Anyway, your new name is Israel, for you have strived against both man and God and prevailed. Israel, Wait, what...man...and God? The man smiles then disappears. The newly named Israel is pretty freaked out, and he names the place where it happened Peniel. He limps back to camp, and the men there agree to never eat the vein that lies within the heart of the thigh (not human thighs, animal thighs, though Im sure the rule would still apply to God fearing cannibals) ever again, because that was the place on Israel where the man had touched to make all of Israel go limp during the fight. Its one of the weirder rules. Israel waits for the arrival of Esau. He puts the women and children first, oddly enough, and Joseph is at the back (he quite likes Joseph, but more on that later). Up come riding the 400 men, and Israel feels like hes pretty hosed. He bows seven times to Esau, as Esau rides up, but then Esau just runs up to him, gives him a great big hug and they both cry like the greatest of bros. Everyone went awwww at the brotherly love. Esau was still hairy. Jacob (still sometimes going by Jacob) rides with Esau for a while, but they part ways eventually. Jacob/Israel builds a home for his family in Himor. Things were going pretty well, until Jacobs daughter Dinah went out for a ride one day. The local prince saw her, and, well, to put it lightly raped her. He then, like the cold bastard he was, went about asking how he might marry her. Jacob was pissed, as were his sons. The prince wanted their two peoples to intermarry and interbreed, but of course his people were not circumcised. The sons of Jacob said that he could only marry Dinah if he circumcised himself and every man in his kingdom. Calling their bluff, he did so, and took Dinah as his wife. Well, three days later, Jacobs clever sons Simeon and Levi took advantage of the situation. The men of Himor were in great pain, having had their dicks ripped up recently. They were about to be in worse. Like the true, absolute righteous badasses they were, Levi

and Simeon went through Himor like grade A assassins, cutting the throats of each and every man, taking Dinah back with them, and plundering the entire village. With all of the women, wealth, and cattle in tow, they returned to their camp victorious. Jacob was pissed, since they had essentially made enemies of the entire region. Simeon and Levi, Our sister will not be treated like some prostitute. If they will be our enemies, they can suck it. Like a boss. God tells Jacob to get his ass to Bethel. There they built an altar to God, and worshiped him. One of the handmaidens died, which was sad, and God commanded Jacob to OFFICIALLY take on the name Israel. Rachel, later, died in childbirth, having a son named Benjamin. Israel finally returns to Isaac, and Esau and Israel bury him. He was 180 when he died. All that stuff about dying at 120 maximum that God said a while back is yet another guideline more than a rule thing, it seems. Esau leaves, because he and Israel are too rich to live near each other. There just isnt enough room. Esau lives a long and happy life and has lots of kids, and those kids have tons more. His name becomes synonymous with a region in which he settles, as is the case with most regions, and then the text talks a lot about who had what kid for a while, but its never really brought up much again. TL;DR Jacob thinks Esau is going to kill him with an army, wrestles with God (maybe), and finds out hes going to have to change his name to Israel. Esau and Jacob hug it out. Dinah gets raped, and her brothers pull the biggest and most badass act of revenge yet seen in the Bible. Isaac dies at 180 years old, and Esau has lots more kids.

Genesis (Part 9) So Joseph is a bit of a little shit. Oh, sure, hes special and we all know it, but he didnt have to go around rubbing peoples faces in it. Which is what he does. Joseph, youngest son of Jacob and the baby of the family, is treated like royalty. By now, Jacob has settled in Canaan with his wives and army of children, and of all those kids, Joseph is the favorite. His mother makes him a coat of many colors, and he keeps getting funky vision dreams where everyone is bowing down to him all the time. The crops, his brothers, the stars, everything really. Which he then proceeds to brag about to his brothers. Joseph, while sitting around doing nothing particularly useful. You know what I dreamt? His brothers, actually working and earning their keep in the fields, What, Joseph? That you guys all bowed down to me, and that the crops all bowed to me, and even mom and dad all bowed to me, and the stars all bowed to me, and the... Tired brothers, Hey Joseph? Joseph, Yeah? Tired brothers, Screw you. So eventually they hatch a plot. These are the same guys willing to massacre an entire people to save their sister. With that in mind, think of how annoying of a sibling youd have to be to make those same guys want you dead. Well, good old Reuben convinces his brothers not to kill Joseph, but to simply chuck him into a pit, with the intention of winning Jacobs love back by eventually finding and rescuing Jacob from the pit, at least once Joseph had been in there good and long enough that he was too delirious to remember them putting him in there in the first place. Well, then one of Josephs other brothers, Judah, gets the bright idea to sell Joseph to some passing slavers. They take his fancy coat hes always bragging about, strip him down, chuck him in the pit, then sit down for some tea while their brother cries out a plea for mercy. Reuben, who seemingly wasnt around for this next part, completely missed his brothers selling Joseph to slavers, and upon his return facepalmed pretty hard. Reuben, Great, now what do we tell dad? Brothers, I dunno, wolf ate him? Reuben, ....Yeah, sure, fine, that shit happens all the time. Alright, rip up his clothes, Ill find some sheeps blood to make it look genuine. So they faked it, took it home, and Jacob rather quickly concluded that clearly his son had been eaten by some beast. Oh well, hes got like 15 more sons, life goes

on. No, not really. Jacob freaked out. He ripped off all his clothes and wore nothing but a sack for ages, with his sons, daughters and wives unable to comfort him. Now Judah moves away from his brothers, maybe feeling kinda crappy for instigating the whole mess the family is in with his bright ideas about slavery being a good form of sibling joviality. So he skips town, marries a Canaanite woman, and has three sons. The first marries Tamar, a nice enough woman. That son was a dick though, so God killed him. The second son, performing his brotherly duties, goes to get her pregnant since his brother didnt, but pulls out, meaning he kinda just had sex with her for the sake of having sex not for brotherly duty, so God kills him too. Judah is panicked now, as his youngest son isnt old enough to bed Tamar. So he tells Tamar to remain a widow in his house until his youngest is old enough to be her husband. Judah leaves on business, and when he comes back, he sees this pretty looking hooker. Well, he has an extra goat, so he figures why not? Judah gets some, and the hooker, of course, ends up pregnant. He leaves a signet ring with her as proof hes good for the payment, and heads on his merry way. Well, shamalamadingdong, lo and behold Tamar is preggers, and its Judahs kid. Yeah, so that wasnt a hooker, that was just Tamar out for an afternoon stroll wearing a veil instead of a widows outfit. Whups! So Judah is now the father of two kinda messed up twins named Zerah and Perez. Back to Joseph, after a few years of toughening up thanks to having been sold into slavery, Joseph is bought by a Pharaoh. The Pharaoh has a pretty good head on his shoulders, and sees that Joseph, despite being a slave, is really good at pretty much everything he does. Clearly God is with him, so the Pharaoh makes him head of the house funds and puts him in charge of pretty much all of the Pharaohs stuff. This Pharaoh is named Potiphar. Potiphar wasnt really doing his husbandly duties, if you catch my drift, and his wife had a hankerin for a hunk-a-hunk-a-burnin love. The object of her desire? Joesph, of course! But Joseph isnt about to sleep with Potiphars wife, that would be a really dumb move. So he rejects her. Repeatedly. Like, seriously, back off lady, Im not gonna bone you! Pleeeeeease? No, now go away, I have to go roll around in Pharaohs money then spend some of it. But one day, when the men of the household were out, wifey threw herself on Joseph and tore off all his clothes. Of course Pharaoh returns at this exact moment, and in a historically bitchy move, wifey claims Joseph forced himself on

her. Shes a GDB, shes a no good B! So its off to jail with Joseph. But, again, God is on Josephs side so soon enough hes literally running the jail. Two guys get thrown in with Joseph. Now he has the run of the place, so after a couple days he aproaches them. One of the guys is the Pharaohs baker, the other his butler. Both have offended the Pharaoh, and both have had weird dreams. Freaky, freaky dreams, like Bowie level dreams. Joseph lends his services as buddy of God to interpret those dreams, and his interpretations prove to be prophetic. He predicts the butler will go back to doing his job, and the baker will be hanged and eaten by birds. Both of these predictions come true, unfortunately for the baker. Joseph asks the butler to tell Pharaoh about how hes innocent, and how he was sold into slavery unjustly by his brothers, but the butler is kinda ungrateful for the prophecy, and forgets to. This time, you canblame everything on the butler. TL;DR Joseph, Jacobs youngest son, is the biblical equivalent of that spoiled rich brat on the playground everyone hates. Josephs brothers, fed up with his crap, sell him into slavery, and while his super dickish older brother gets his daughter in law pregnant, Joseph gets sold to a Pharaoh. Pharaohs wife is a cheating no good dirty rotten slut, and after failing to get Joseph to nail her, claims he tried to rape her. Joseph goes to jail, where he prophesied some stuff then gets ditched by his homies.

Genesis (Part 10) So Joseph is still languishing in prison, and things are most righteously sucky. But not far away, Pharaoh is having himself some crazy mind trips in his sleep, where hes seeing things like crazy corn antics and cow cannibalism. He talks to all his mystics, and they have no clue what it means. Then the butler speaks up, and says theres a pretty wicked Hebrew in the prison who can sort dreams out with scary accuracy. So Pharaoh sends for him, and Joseph, after cleaning himself up some, meets with his former owner/master. So turns out Pharaohs dreams were about having seven years of plentiful crops, lots of wealth and happiness and all that crap. But then things were going to go tits up and turn to famine for another seven years. Joseph suggested Pharaoh appoint someone to oversee all of Egypt and ensure everyone put away good amounts of crops to live out the famine. Pharaoh, taking the hint, gave Joseph the job, and not just the job, but power. Joseph got nice clothes, a fine chariot, some mad bling and a wife. With that wife he had two sons, Manasseh and Ephraim. Joseph turned out to be really good at his job, and gained great favor with the people and Pharaoh. Well, famine comes, and not only is Egypt hungry, but so is most of the known world. Joseph sells all the collected grain, making himself a fortune in the process, and the people get to eat. But, as stated, Egypt is not the only place struck by the famine. Jacob, back home in Canaan, is hurting as well. So he sends ten of his sons, minus Benjamin who was the youngest remaining son, to Egypt because he hears they have tons of grain. And wouldnt ya know it, the brothers end up bowing to Joseph to get food. But they did not know he was the man they were dealing with, as they never dealt with him face to face. Joseph hatched a little plot. He had forgotten his Hebrew, so through a translator he told them he suspected they were spies, and lying to him about their intentions. To prove themselves to him, he would take one of them prisoner until they had produced their youngest brother. Freaking out, they bicker amongst themselves in Hebrew about what they will do since they all know they sold their youngest brother. When the translator, unbeknownst to the brothers, translates what they are saying, Joseph gets pretty upset, because he had known his brothers had left him there in the pit, but not that they had sold him. So he gives them back their money, and fills their carts with grain, and tells them to return with their youngest brother Benjamin or else he would kill Simeon. When the brothers got home, Jacob was pretty pissed. Eventually they persuaded him to let Benjamin go with them back to Egypt, and they brought double the money theyd brought in the first place, since the return of their money before might have been a mistake, and the extra would be a gift as a sign of goodwill.

So they finally get back to Egypt, and are basically trying to cover their asses as much as possible. Josephs secretary is all, Guys, its cool, the extra money was a gift from God. Chillax. Now come inside and have some food, my boss will be with you soon. So Joseph walks in, and everyone bows, and he asks them about their family and if Benjamin is truly their youngest brother. They said yes, a thousand times yes. Joseph, upset by this lie, ducked out to compose himself, and upon his return, they had a big meal. Everyone eats according to their age, so the youngest got the most food. He had the servants put even more grain in the sacks of his brothers, in their caravan outside, but to also sneak in his own silver goblet into Benjamins sack. After they left, Joseph sent his servants to interrogate his brothers as to why they had stolen the goblet. They promised whomever had stolen the goblet would become a bondman (indentured servant) to Joseph (again, still didnt know it was their brother Joseph). They returned to the city, and fearing their secret brothers wrath they offered to all be his servants. He refused, and said only Benjamin would be his servant. TL;DR Joseph gets in good with the Pharaoh, lands a sick job and gets some nice duds and a wife. Famine hits, but he has all the food in the country, and his brothers come to buy food from him not knowing hes their brother. Joseph pulls a fast one on them and manages to score his brother Benjamin as a servant.

Genesis (Part 11) So Judah, the one who sold Joseph into slavery in the first place, is begging that his brother Benjamin be let to go free. You see, other than Joseph, if you recall, Jacob had only one other son with Rachel, and that was Benjamin. Jacob viewed these two as more precious, and Judah kept going on and on to Joseph that if they didnt bring Benjamin home it would kill Jacob with grief. He goes on and on about how important Benjamin was because he was the last true son of Jacob, and Jacob was so destroyed by Josephs death that he would never survive losing his other son. Joseph, unable to contain his sorrow, breaks into tears after having everyone leave the room. But everyone hears him crying. So he calls his brothers in and fesses up to being their brother Joseph. This has them all rather uneasy, because theyre in his house, surrounded by his men, in a country he basically runs since he controlls all the food. Their first thought is oh crap shoulda known this would come back to bite me in the ass. But Joseph just wants to hug it out, because he feels God has brought them back together and hes pretty certain they are feeling pretty shitty about what theyd done. Joseph tells them to go home, pick up dad, and bring the entire family back with them. Joseph, Look, Pharaoh doesnt really run things here. I own all the food, and that pretty much makes me the boss. A hungry king isnt really a king at all. So come on back here with the family, and Ill make sure youre all well fed and happy for the remaining five years of the famine. I know weve had our differences, but I got yo backs, my brothers from another mother. They go home, but Jacob doesnt believe them until he sees the caravan Joseph sent to carry them all to Egypt. The family gets together again in Egypt, and everyone is reunited and happy. The book then details all 70 male members of Jacobs house, which includes Joseph and his two sons. Joseph introduces his family to Pharaoh, but makes sure they say they are cattle herders, not shepherds, because Egyptians go all kung fu on any shepherds they meet. For some reason Egyptians thought shepherds were bad news. Go figure. Pharaoh was pleased, and told them to take whatever land they pleased, and even asked if some of their expert herdsmen might help out with the Pharaohs own private stock of cattle. So time goes by, and after settling in the best lands in Egypt, Joseph and his family are pretty set for food and money. But Egypt isnt, since Joseph scored all their reserved food. They were big on capitalism and down on socialism, so they hadnt thought of having it so the food hed collected all those years would be kept for the people and rationed, instead, he literally owned it all. So Egyptians came to him

in droves, selling him their cattle for grain, then eventually land for grain, until Joseph owned pretty much all of Egypt. Very technically Pharaoh owned it all, but again, Joseph was in charge of all the money and the food, while Pharaoh sat around being, well, Pharaoh. For all intents and purposes, Joseph ran the country, and at harvest time, he collected a fifth of everything harvested in the country, since everyone was in debt to him. The house of Israel (Jacob) lived and prospered in Egypt, and they multiplied and were fruitful. TL;DR Joseph decides family is what matters most, makes good with his bros. Jacob and the entire family join Joseph in Egypt, and after a few years, Joseph basically runs the country. The house of Israel (Jacob) becomes fruitful and numerous.

Genesis (Part 12) Jacob, at the age of 147, is finally ready to kick it. He calls Joseph and tells him he is dying, finally, and that he wants to be burried in the land which God said would be his all those long years ago. He also calls for Josephs two sons, and reaching for the second born, blesses him and proclaims that he shall be destined for great things as decreed by God. Joseph is pretty confused, since, you know, Ephraim is the second born. Shouldnt his older brother get blessed? Jacob, Nope, shuddup, Im old you have to do what I say. Now take me and bury me with my dad and granddad. Then Jacob called all his kids together. Reuben, you are my first born, but youre not getting all the cool stuff because you banged your moms handmaiden and that aint cool. Simeon, Levi, you guys dont get shit, because you killed all those people, and yeah that was pretty badass, but killing is bad, and you suck. Go be sucky somewhere else, your suckyness is suckying up the place. Judah, you go out there and kick some ass. Youve had a rough run of things, to be sure, with that pregnant daughter in law stuff, but I like your moxie so you get to be a king among men. Good for you, son. Zebuluns kids are going to work at the shipyards and at sea. Go catch some fish, guys. Issachar, youre probably not going to take this as a compliment but youre one wide boned donkey, my boy. Keep up the good work. Dan, youre cool. Youre like a snake in the road. God am I still not done with all these kids? Im just sorta waitin for Gods salvation at this point. Ugh, fine, uh, Gad, youre going to get raided by, well, raiders. Dont worry youll get em back for it. Let me see, Asher, your bread is awesome, and it will continue to be awesome. Nephtali, youre a good talker. Use that to your advantage and you should be fine. Joseph, my dear, dear Joseph, you get all the cool shit. Heavenly blessings upon you, and blessings on your women and on your house and on your dogs and on that gerbil your son has and on that cat over there and on your shoes and on your toenails and on that lump of lint that gets stuck in your belly button and on your eyebrows... and it kinda went on like that for a while. Oh, Benjamin, you ravenous wolf, dont think I didnt forget about you. You stay classy, Benjamin. Youll do fine.

Now kids, take me to my homeland before I start decomposing on the spot. Im old as balls! And so his sons took him to Canaan, in a pretty spectacular manor, with a huge caravan decked out to the nines. It would be like being escorted to the grave by the Macys Day Parade. Once they arrived, they buried him in Mechpelah with his father and grandfather and grandmother. With their dad gone, the brothers feared the powerful Joseph would finally take his revenge, but they all hugged out. Its cool, bros, we tight. So things were good. Joseph lived to be 110 years old, saw his childrens grandchildren born. As he lay dying, he swore to the Children of Israel that surely God would deliver them from Egypt to the land of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Joseph died, old, happy, and his family plentiful. Josephs remains are placed in a coffin in Egypt, and his final command is for his bones to be laid to rest in the land of his people. Thus ends Genesis. TL;DR Jacob dies after blessing his family, well, most of them. Joseph takes over the household, and assures the Children of Israel that God shall deliver them unto their promised land. Joseph dies, Genesis ends.

Genesis TL;DR God Makes everything, Adam and Eve screw the pooch, then screw each other. Their kid Cain kills their other kid Abel, then Cain goes out into the world and breeds like nobodys business. A few generations later, God gets tired of everyone living so damn long and makes it so we die sooner. Theres a cool dude named Noah Noah makes a boat, rides out a flood, gets wasted, yells at his kids, who then leave and form a bunch of nations. The kids of said nations then do a bit of inbreeding and head out for adventure in the direction of Sodom and Gomorrah. Canaan has a bad time. Abram goes to Canaan (now a nations name), then Egypt where he scores sick merch by selling his wife (temporarily) while claiming shes his sister. He goes home, Lot heads to Sodom, war happens, Lot gets taken, Abram goes all Avengers on the Mesopotamians. Lot still thinks Sodom is a good idea. Abram has an illegitimate son, but is told hell later have a legit one, and the newly renamed Abraham chops up some man bits to prove him and God are BFFs. Sexy angels blow up Sodom after having a snack with Abraham, Lot gets jiggy with his daughters in a cave, Ishmael grows up and gets married. Abraham pulls the shes not my wife shes my sister move again, but this time he admits in truth shes actually both. Little Isaac is born when Abraham is 100, then gets bound up and almost killed by his dad in one of Gods more famous psych, I was just testing you moments. Sarah dies, and Abraham is sad. Rebekah, Isaacs cousin, is pretty smokin hot so he marries her. Abraham dies at 175, but not before boinking six more kids into existence with his second wife. Ishmael lives a long, fruitful life, but Isaac walks away from all of it super rich and chosen by God as new chief bro among men. Isaac prospers, has twins, ones hairy and named Esau, ones wily and named Jacob. Basically Hebrew Thor and Loki. Hebrew Thor kicks ass, Hebrew Loki is clever and not only cons Hebrew Thor out of his birthright, but out of Isaacs blessing and ownership of the promised land. Hebrew Thor swears vengeance, Hebrew Loki splits to get a wife. Along the way Isaac tries to pull the same sister-wife con his dad did, but fails epicly when he pulls it on the same guy his dad did. Jacob tries to marry one girl, gets her more homely sister instead, has to work 14 years to marry the one he wants. He has a boatload of kids, then splits town, but not before ticking off his former boss and father in law. They make peace, and Jacob invents bible camp. Jacob thinks Esau is going to kill him with an army, wrestles with God (maybe), and finds out hes going to have to change his name to Israel. Esau and Jacob hug

it out. Dinah gets raped, and her brothers pull the biggest and most badass act of revenge yet seen in the Bible. Isaac dies at 180 years old, and Esau has lots more kids, but still doesnt learn to shave. Joseph, Jacobs youngest son, is the biblical equivalent of that spoiled rich brat on the playground everyone hates. Josephs brothers, fed up with his crap, sell him into slavery, and while his super dickish older brother Judah gets his own daughter in law pregnant, Joseph gets sold to a Pharaoh. Pharaohs wife is a cheating no good dirty rotten slut, and after failing to get Joseph to nail her, claims he tried to rape her. Joseph goes to jail, where he prophesied some stuff then gets ditched by his homies. Joseph gets in good with the Pharaoh again, lands a sick job and gets some nice duds and a wife. Famine hits, but he has all the food in the country, and his brothers come to buy food from him not knowing hes their brother. Joseph pulls a fast one on them and manages to score his brother Benjamin as a servant. Joseph decides family is what matters most, makes good with his bros. Jacob and the entire family join Joseph in Egypt, and after a few years, Joseph basically runs the country. The house of Israel (Jacob) becomes fruitful and numerous. Jacob dies after blessing his family (well, most of them). Joseph takes over the household, and assures the Children of Israel that God shall deliver them unto their promised land. Joseph dies, Genesis ends. Genesis Part 1 Genesis Part 2 Genesis Part 3 Genesis Part 4 Genesis Part 5 Genesis Part 6 Genesis Part 7 Genesis Part 8 Genesis Part 9 Genesis Part 10 Genesis Part 11 Genesis Part 12