The Anglo Week
The School’s first quality weekly
DISCLAIMER: The events and people depicted herein are fictitious, any similarity to real places or people, living or dead is en-
tirely coincidental. By reading this paper or looking at any images held therein, you are forfeiting your right to criticise or take of-
fense at it. The Anglo Week and all its contributors hold no responsibility nor interest in any of your petty minded complaints.
Gambling in our school
Gambling destroys our chil-
dren and undermines our
communities. This disease
has found its way into the
very heart of local commu-
nity.
Every so often, a group of students
will grow weary of the day to day
study which is imposed upon
them. Some will drift into pubs or
drugs or if they are feeling particu-
larly low they will watch the Jeremy
Kyle show. However sometimes a
worse plight is brought upon
them. Gambling.
This is of course an irrelevant side
track on my exposure of the 500
club. For those innocent minded
readers who are unaware of what
this evil system operating behind
your backs in your name is, I shall
explain.
The school encourages parents to
set up a standing order of £20 a
year from which they take a cut
Castro quote of the week
and repay some back to parents in the form of prizes. This sick
‘bookie’ role the school has taken withstands despite the harsh
rules rightly placed upon the students in regard to gambling,
bringing whole new meaning to ‘those who can’t, teach’.
I am not a communist
and neither is the revolu-
tionary movement.
Issue 1, 28/04/2008
Editor: Mr. S
We’re NUT
working
today
Thursday 24th April marked a historic
day for the country. A day when NUT
members far and wide gathered to
strike out against pay cuts. The strike
action came after weeks of advanced
planning and authorisation and had a
clear and reasonable goal from the
outset.
Many teachers chose to take to the
streets in peaceful protest as a means of
speaking out against this heinous injus-
tice. The figure offered by the govern-
ment of 2.45% comes far below the
NUT’s demand of 4%.
It may not have been supported by any
of the other four teaching unions and
condemned by the government but that
had little to no effect on the NUT
members’ resolve.
Continued on page 3
At the risk of sounding ri-
diculous, let me say that the
true revolutionary is guided
by feelings of love.
Page 2 The Anglo Week

A book review: The King James Bible

Guest Contributor

Starts a little bit slow. Builds up a bit in
the middle, and no-one really wins in the
end. Trust me. Feels like it’s missing bits
of detail, and some of it is perhaps a little
‘out there’. The characters are not par-
ticularly deep, and the story jumps
around a bit. Not something that should
really be a holiday read, even if you find
too much of a cliff hanger ending. (Which
seems like a plan for the next edition).
A good book for those interested in the
Also the first bit is obviously plagiarized
eternal condemnation genre. For those
off the Pentateuch, and the Gospels are a
fascinated also check out, the Torah, the
bit same-y.
“the Paul Also the Paul
Koran, the Hadith, Joseph Smith’s books
and Jesus Christ Superstar for a different
character character
seems pushy.
take on a similar theme.

it in your hotel free. It is a book that con-

tains something for all the family though,
seems pushy” Obviously writ-
ten in the past,
I look forward to my excommunication.
Come and get me Ratzinger.
for dad the action, for the kids the violent since nowa-
stories, and for mum a little bit of ro- days we’d have A book review: Dan Brown’s Da Vinci
mance (prostitute), child-rape and prop- more taste than Code
erty law. to publish someone’s mail. In some parts
It’s shit.
it’s a little gloomy, especially if you’re a
heathen. (Which most of us seem to be)
Wouldn’t transfer well to movies, and has

Readers’ letters: Submit your own

This weeks star letter

Suppressed proletariat masses, hail comrades!

The time is right for revolution; Rise up, cripple the two-headed monster and its vile conformist children! This day, we rid our-
selves of the bourgeois curse and decide our own destiny!

The corrupt authorities and their harsh immoral policies have plagued us for too long! How many times have we been hushed
in our study room, OUR STUDY ROOM! How many times must we be repressed in our common room, OUR COMMON
ROOM! The place where we should be communing and creating thunderous noise through our veneration of the great, noble
and intelligent mortal Gods of our battered and decadent history: Mau, Stalin, Del Castro!

This magnificent day, we have the chance to remove the conformist laws and obliterate the social conditioning that prevents us
from achieving our true will. If one should want to marry a horse, then are they to stop one?

Furthermore, let us not blind ourselves against the increasing imperialistic actions of the greedy two-headed monster. A worry-
ing number of new buildings, an increasing number of students and, we have recently discovered, PE lessons will be shortly
increased threefold. Who does this compare to? That’s right… the devil himself: Hitler! Hitler did exactly the same with PE les-
sons in German schools! What shall the monster do with this large mass of strong… soldiers? Send them to the frontline in or-
der to expand their vicious control!

ACT NOW! Take the initiative and burn, break, annihilate our common enemy. Take the power of freedom and equality and
decide our future!

Yours sincerely,

A. Mann
Issue 1, 28/04/2008 Page 3

Would three heads be better than two?

By Ms Y

Would (x + 1) Heads be better than the Mathematically speaking the number of

currently, lowly, x. Yes, I’ll say they
would. In fact I can see no logical limita-
tion to the sheer number of management
staff the school can take.
Why though would we stop there, surely
then two deputy head boys are better
than one? Surely two teachers per class
are better than one. Maybe go entirely
crazy and have two pupils per textbook.
In fact ideally, they would build two
schools, and each run one.
head teachers has no limit, but since real-
istically speaking not everyone is quite
able of pulling off part of the job of a
regular head teacher we probably need
settle for a forum of head teachers. A
head-staff senate, where they can decide
each of the rules for the plebeians, set
their own pay, hire frightening manage-
ment staff, and then eventually retire to a
full head teacher's worth of pension each.
This article was written with recycled
arguments.

Work-shy free-loaders want time off when

they should be teaching A collaboration article with Mr. S and Ms. Y

Continued from page 1
To take a slightly different slant, now this is the ease of manipulation of housing costs,
no longer a front page article, perhaps
they should get to work. After all 2.45% is
greater than the 2% increase for all other
civil servants and public workers, includ-
ing the armed forces, the police, NHS staff inflation. Whichever figure you look at,
etc. But do the doctors and nurses strike,
even though they’re battling disease in
NHS hospitals, riddled with MRSA? No,
because if they did people would die. Do
the police strike, after battling crack heads
and chavs day in and day out? No, because
criminals would roam the streets. Do the
army strike, battling armed insurgents?
No, because it would be dereliction of duty
and they would be promptly dismissed.
So why, I hear the masses screaming, have
the teachers taken a full day away from
battling with childhood illiteracy and occa-
sionally teenage violence (which on both
counts, they seem to be losing abysmally),
in order to protest to the government. Well
the answer is simple, money. This is not a
suggestion that all teachers are in their
profession merely for the money, they’d
have to be quite oblivious if they were.
However the stated reason for this strike
was a ‘below inflation pay increase.
Inflation is 2.5% according to the CPI
(Consumer Price Index) general inflation
figure. (This approaches 3.8% year on
year when looking at the less reliable RPI
figure). The latter being less reliable be-
cause of its heavy weighting towards fuel,
the lack of any revision and the lack of
inclusion of education costs. On the whole,
the CPI is more generally used globally
and is used as the governments target for
you will find an inflation value below 4%.
Since Labour came to power, teacher’s
pay has already gone up in real terms by a
fifth.
Of course, this comes at a poor time. With
jobs in the heart of the capital in the pri-
vate sector more at risk, (40000 likely
losses according to JP Morgan), and peo-
ple in that sector with uncertain job secu-
rity and an unsure economic climate likely
to have greater difficulty gaining a mort-
gage, teachers only had to sit back and
enjoy the relative ease.
Plus let’s face it, teachers only work 32
weeks a year and it’s not like they have to
do anything complicated. With exams get-
ting easier and the curriculum getting
shorter, there really are more and more
people that can take a two week course to
become a teacher.
Why then should they get a 4% pay in-
crease, a number which was seemingly
pulled out of the thin air. It’s not like we
haven’t just heard that a record number of
students can’t read or write, or that 20% of
students won’t be entered for the core
subjects at GCSE because they’re too
thick.
Now it would be unfair to leave this article
with solely negative views in it, so I invite
any teachers or any pupils who were
forced out of THEIR school, paid for by
THEIR and THEIR PARENTS TAXES, a cou-
ple of weeks before THEIR SATS, GCSEs
OR A-LEVELS, to write in and tell us of
your views. Please leave any responses to
this or any other article pinned to the no-
tice board and we will do our utmost to
acquire them before someone else does.
Page 4 The Anglo Week

Baka by Jam

Crossword Coming soon to a youtube.com near you

Quiz
What is the name of this shape?

A — A triangle
B — A special trapezium
C — An n-sided shape, where n-3 of the
sides are equal to 0

FIND A PICTURE OF KARL MARX to win a special prize

Answers to Quiz — All answers are apparently true

Issue 1, 28/04/2008 Page 5

Test the nation

By Mr. S

Over the last few weeks the sixth form
students have been subjected to vari-
ous tests which would not be mis-
placed in criminal profiling. The first
of these was the ALIS test, a thorough
twenty five minute rummage through
the respective intelligences of the
Anglo students which led this reporter
to ask the question ‘Can a person’s
brain be analysed to any real extent
through testing their ability to map a
dice or is it merely a ten minute exer-
cise suitable for a nine year old to
occupy the students temporarily?’.
This test of course was not alone. No
sooner had we finished completing
fun geometrical patterns, than we
were thrust into another engaging
piece of citizenship. It’s not that I’m
particularly against mind-invading
mental assessments, however is there
really any merit in spending one hour
of our valuable study time to pander
to the demented whims of whichever
sociologist came up with this ‘Belvin’
test? Is it reasonable to call it learning
when we while away one hours worth
of our lives answering questions
which are vaguer than Mr. Bryant’s
hairline to finally be rewarded with a
reiteration of the answers we gave?
Perhaps this has been an unfair ap-
praisal, perhaps there is some worth
to this test, maybe everyone in the
World can be categorized into a hand-
ful of groups and thus everybody must
have about six hundred million peo-
ple with whom they are intellectually
identical, though it seems highly
unlikely.

Horoscopes*
Aquarius
This week will hold
some challenges for
you maybe you’ll
have to climb some-
thing, I don’t know.
Do not fear take it
one step at a time, or
two if you’re in a
hurry.
Pisces
Someone will ask you
to do something
which you are
uncomfortable with
this week , but I
suppose you’ll have
to get use to it. See
previous for more
advice.
Aries
This is your only
opportunity to do
this week, so you’d
better do it right or
you may end up
ruining next week
and then the whole
thing comes tumbling
down etc.
Taurus
You are a strong
confident person,
who probably has a
vague idea of how
this week is going to
pan out, therefore
this was a waste of
time. Thanks for
reading.
Gemini Cancer
The stars tell me of Your stars hold bad
terrible things in your omens, but with a
future, but why worry star sign like Cancer,
about that when real that should be pretty
people are probably obvious, I mean
slagging you off you’d find the
behind your back as hidden message if
you read this? your star sign was
called ‘renal failure’.

Leo Virgo Libra Scorpio Sagittarius Capricorn

This week will bring
events, some good,
some bad, with any
luck they’ll balance
each other out and
you can float through
this week on a cloud
of indifference
This week is a necessary
step in your progres-
sion to next week. So
in that spirit just get on
with it and if you want
some self-affirming
notions which will help
you through the next
seven days, go bother
your friends.
This week will
probably be the same
as all the others for
you. Maybe you’ll
find a cool leaf or
something. Maybe
your life will get
better, but for now
I’d imagine it sucks.
The name of your star
sign would suggest that
you have some similar-
ity with a venomous,
carnivorous arachnid.
Take a long hard look
in a mirror and see the
truth, these names
mean e ss e n t i a l l y
nothing.
There’s no way out of Chaos theory states
this week. Unless you that because tiny
count the easy way variations of matter
out. It would be can lead to vastly
perfectly reasonable different outcomes
to take the easy way any string of events is
out. I’ll turn away theoretically possible,
now if you want to thus refuting horo-
do so. scopes etc.

*Disclaimer: The Anglo Week, including its editors and writers, accept no responsibility if the above events do, or do not, occur to you for we regard it as complete bullshit

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Page 6 The Anglo Week

Sport Improvised by Mr. S

Webster’s dictionary defines sport as “That which diverts, and makes mirth; pastime; amusement”. With this in mind your
wish to read the following page of sport analysis is most likely driven by a desire to divert yourself from something or pass time.
It all sounds pretty empty, nonetheless...

Football
Recent weeks have shown an increase
in the number of people who are play-
ing football matches. For those un-
aware football is ball game centred
mostly around the foot, as well as in-
cluding a net, pitch and about 22 sexu-
ally frustrated men. A standard football
game will end in a win, loss, draw or
brawl. The object of the game for each
player is to pass the ball to the slightly
faster players. Should the ball be inter-
cepted during a pass, standard proce-
dure is to raise ones arms in the air thing to do with pigs’ stomachs. Here
and swear blindly at the other players. are some recent football results.
Similar rules apply in the event of one 0—0
player harmlessly brushing past an-
other, although it is also common- 1—0
place for both players to dive to the 2—1
ground clutching their limbs. Once
6—3
the fastest (or in Manchester United’s
case, ugliest) player has the ball, they 2—2
then kick blindly at a net. Therein lies 1—1
the genius game of football, a sport
designed to give poor people some- 3—2

Running etc.
The fact that the London marathon
can now be completed by overweight
middle aged accountants really does
beg the question of what was that
pansy Greek soldier talking about
when he collapsed on the streets of
Athens all those years ago. Perhaps he
had to do the run in full armour but I didn’t have to go through the rigma-
definitely saw some people dressed up role of getting sponsorship and have to
as pirates and trophies and even one undergo a health check before being
crazy guy who dressed up as a 101-year- allowed to do it.
old man. Perhaps we should have some
sympathy, after all he had just fought
off 25,000 Persians but still at least he

Misc. Kidnapped horse makes daring

reappearance to celebrate the
Golf Polo Good Friday Agreement
This guy got a ball and hit it dead far Not to be mistaken with the crippling The famous race horse Shergar recently made
with a stick until it went in a hole. That viral infection. Polo is a game involving
a press release that he had decided to come
event could have been a lot shorter but horses but apparently they don’t jump out of hiding for a short time to celebrate the
he chose to do it over a period of 3½ over anything and you’re not supposed ten year anniversary of the good Friday agree-
hours. Face it golf fans, it’s boring. to bet on individual horses. ment. Long thought dead the horse revealed
that it had orchestrated his kidnapping to
Motorsport Croquet avoid the pressures of the modern horse
Yesterday cars were revealed to do seri- I think this is the one that involves frivo- world. Shergar, 30, claims that he worked in
ous damage to the environment by re- lous misuse of a hammer and has far too collaboration with the IRA to escape his
lease of dangerous gases and noxious many rules for what is fundamentally owner’s grasp. Masquerading as the Rt. Hon.
fumes. Sources say that motorsport driv- golf for rich twats. Ian Paisley for the last 25 years, Shergar was
ers were ‘uninterested’. very happy to see the dispute come to a rea-
sonable end.
Tennis Motocross
We lost What? Can’t afford a real car?