ADVANCED PRAISE FOR

BLESSINGS IN DISGUISE
Soul Survivin
The best lessons are taught by those who have already learned them first hand. Though it is impossible for most of us to see ourselves sentenced to 60 years in prison for a murder we did not commit, we do understand defeat, devastation and death; we understand self-worth, hope, faith and feeling blessed. If we can agree that being condemned to spending the rest of our natural lives locked down in a concrete box with bars is the most devastating defeat a man could ever experience this side of death, then we can qualify Leon Benson as our teacher. Built upon a quote on "Being and Nothingness" from 20th Century French philosopher JeanPaul Sartre, our teacher lightly touches upon his own circumstances to lead us through the maze of our own emotions to show why condemnation is actually salvation and defeats are blessings in disguise. The power with which our teacher delivers this lesson is borne of his own experiences, rising from the depths of despair to his present state of feeling blessed, the eloquence with which he states his thoughts and the poetry around which he wraps our thinking. Bless you, Leon. May your adversely-accumulated authority to strengthen others and help them to grow lead to the release of imprisoned minds and bodies everywhere. Don Harkins, The Idaho Observer www.idaho-observer.com Spirit Lake, Idaho July 3, 2007

They say that the best way to enhance a single sense is to take away all other senses. Consequently, when a mans physical freedom is confiscated, his spirit can either be positively enhanced by constructive inner vision or it can be destructively contaminated by outside forces inhabiting the social or physical cages he is forced to endure. Leon Benson has taken the opportunity of a wrongful conviction to look within his inner being in order to develop a higher structure of purpose, perseverance and endurance, one which he wants to share with all who must face the severe hardships and obstinate vagaries that life can unexpectedly throw our way. Leon challenges us to see defeat as a launching pad for a new today, a rebirth from which we can rise from the ashes, examine our plights, and rebuild our lives through circumspection, positive action, and determination. The ultimate defeat is death. And, as long as Leon is living, he will strive to grow and to be free. As long as we are living, let us join the struggle for his physical freedom...and for our own spiritual growth. Keith Anderson, WORD IMPACT www.adspread.com/wi.htm Bluefield, WV July 11, 2007

By Leon Benson

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TABLE OF CONTENTS
Dedication4 Acknowledgements4 Forethought5 Introduction9
New Perspective13

Pt 1. Defeat Restores To Things Their Particular Reality12 Pt 2. Defeat, When Considered As the Final End15

The Time is NOW15

Pt 3. A Challenge Because Man is Worth More than What Crushes Him19

Winners are always remembered19 True worth is gained through faith, hope or belief?22

Proper preparation prevents poor performances!29 When does challenging things in their excessive reality turn into a reality of defeat?31 Growing beyond a victims perspective34
Pt 5. The Defeat Itself Turns Into Salvation37

Pt 4. He No Longer Challenges Things In Their Slight Reality29

The serendipity of defeat37

Conclusion: A Virtue43 Afterthought48 Poetry Chronology51 Notes51 Appendix53 CentList Justice Fund58 Freedom Flyer59

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represents a blessing from god; a messenger or prophet of God; a person advocating peace with others; purity, etc. The olive branch represents a symbol of peace; the oil produced by olives have been used to anoint or secure a state of consecrated purity while in devotion to God, since the conception of civilization; also the olive comes in nine different shades, from the lightest of light to the darkest of dark, symbolizing all peoples. 14. Folded Hand In CuffsThe symbol of folded hands represents prayer or meditation, depending on cultural or religious practice; in prayer, one achieves to be closer to their God or discipline; in meditation, one achieves to have innerpeace and to balance their internal self with the external world. The handcuffs represent bondage, oppression, injustice, and prison. And the broken chains symbolize strength amid hardship. Hopefully, the above brought you some immediate clarity of the cover art if you were unfamiliar with some symbols. Also, Jones-Bey said his layman's definitions of #2, #3, and #6 were vague. However, he and i suggest any reader with a deeper interest in iconology should go online and do extended research on the symbols presented here.

FORETHOUGHT
Blessings of all sorts seem to be disguised from us within our everyday lives. The irony is with the most unlikely people, places and things that can help reveal those blessings to us. Look up to the sky. Look around you. Look down at the floor! Who knows where those blessings are secretly disguised or buried? But we will never know whats out there until we look for ourselves no matter the myriad opinions of society telling us not to. Blessings In Disguise: Soul Survivin is a blessing to me just in how it came into existence. It occurred through my brief response to one persons misunderstanding of how I survive the desolation of my circumstances. In my response to them I used a statement by a late philosopher to make my point. I never heard from that person again. I thought to myself, They had to understand where I was coming from! As a result of this persons lack of intellectual reply I began to critically examine and compare my personal growth to each sentence of that philosophers statement. Something inspirational happened to me. I started writing my experiences down, intermingled with poetry and songs I had written throughout the years, that reflected parts of the philosophers statement. The poetic conception of Blessings In Disguise: Soul Survivin was written over the course of four days in August of 2006. I even discovered, from the reoccurring themes of my poetry used here, that, unconsciously, Ive been an existentialistic person for many years now. Without question, historically, theres a long connection between different denominations of religion or disciplines throughout the world, and that of the phrase: blessings in disguise. This phrase has become clich and synonymous to religous thought, specifically in the West. But the concept of blessing in disguise seems to originate from Eastern schools of thought. Therefore, i felt it was appropriate to present universal attributes of this phrase and concept of the books title, through its cover art, which depicts the iconograph of fourteen symbols of religion and disciplines known throughout Eastern and Western worlds (see Appendix).

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yogi: raja yoga (spiritual purification and self-understanding) leading to samadhi (or union with the divine). 2. Yin and yang Surrounded by Eight TrigramsThis symbol originates in ancient China and appears on the crest in martial arts that are practiced by Koreans and Japanese. The trigrams originate from the Chinese Book of Changes (or I Ching). And the yin.yang symbol in the middle symbolizes spiritual balance, which is culturally elusive to Asians. 3. Viking CrossThis symbol is connected to early European religious beliefs. Most likely, this symbol predates the Celtic cross or Odinist belief. 4. Star of DavidThis symbol is used in Jewish and Israel practices of Judaism. 5. Eye of HorusThis symbol originates in ancient African/ Egyptian belief that all things are within Horus scope. Hence the term horuscope or horoscope is derived. Also known as an attribute of God the seer of all things in heaven and on earth. 6. Triple HelixThis symbol has spiritual. mental and physical path of enlightenment equally combined, suggesting that you must attain all three equally. This origin of the symbol is from ancient Hinduism or Buddhism. 7. Black HandThis symbol is used in the practices of Santeria, an Afro-Cuban religion that originates from the Yoruba peoples of S/W Nigeria and Benin. Used to keep away sickness and negative spirit. However, here the symbol represents the hand in which we as modern humans express our lower nature, from thought to actual manifestation. 8. Yin/YangThis symbol with the man and woman represents opposing forces such as fire and water, masculinity and femininity, heaven and earth. Yet, the belief that one cant

But the primary battlefield lies within. This same battlefield exists within all people from around the world. Why? Because we are all human. To preserve as much anticipation and spontaneity as possible for the reader, I chose not to detail the circumstances here. Youll soon understand that my circumstance cant be immediately changed. As I strive to transform my personal tragedy into triumph and my personal predicament into enduring achievement. So, great emphasis is placed upon the uniqueness of all human potential at its apex. My circumstance is also extremely rare in the sense that it happens to only .1% of 300 million people in the American population. No ones circumstance of defeat can be compared to another because no two are the same. No circumstance repeats itself and each circumstance requires a different response. I urge each reader to be open to the possibilities of how my perspective of soul survival can be used outside of my race, gender and circumstances. Id like you to decide for yourself what is most helpful to your [life, apply it,] and then exonerate yourselves from the judgment of defeat. You should also assume that others are doing the same thing, to the best of their abilities. Its impossible to know which exact truth of this writing will be encouraging to you. But, who knows? You may become a part of my blessings in disguise. Please keep an open soul. Leon Benson

Through all the sorrow of sorrow songs there breathes a hopea faith in the ultimate justice of things. The minor cadences of despair change often to triumph and calm confidence. Sometimes it is faith in life, sometimes a faith in death, sometimes assurance of boundless justice in some fair world beyond. But whatever it is, the

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Ballantine Books, 1999. Pgs-13-18 W.E.B. DuBois. The Souls of Black Folk. Introduction by Randall Kenan. Penguin Books, 1901/1995. Pg-274 Huey P. Newton. The Huey P. Newton Reader. Edited by David Hillard and Donald Weise. Seven Stories Press, 2000. Pgs- 154-156.

INTRODUCTION
When all the instruments are broken into pieces and cannot be utilized, when cold calculated plans are discoursed into shambles and all remaining options seem to be useless or unseenthe world then begins to appear to you with a childlike or vivacious newness you never knew before. You find you or your endeavor unsupported by anyone, including your closest family and friends. Youre confused and pathless to where your next step will take you. At this point in your life youll find out if you are a fighter or a quitter. Remember: quitters never win and winners never quit. If you find yourself in such a compromising position in life also remember that when youve fallen to the lowest point you can fall there is nowhere to go but up. Im at the crossroads. Which way should I go? The world is so full of vanity Im falln to the floe.. And just the other night, I got a visit from Gabriel Invitn me into the book of life. How could I turn down The invitation to the pearly gates? So full of spiritual transcendence I got the shakes! When I was alone You were there, Only allown me to endure The pain I could bear. Throughout my lifetime I took the loss, Behind every other corner Was a holocaust. When I was a child Lost in the streetz,

APPENDIX

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Leon Benson In the Struggle 4 Real Share your comments: Mr. Leon Benson #995256 Pendleton Correctional Facility (PCF) 4490 West Reformatory Rd. Pendleton, IN 46064-9001 leonbenson7@gmail.com For information regarding L.B.s false imprisonment: www.myspace.com/freeleonbenson www.facebook.com/freeleonbenson www.freeleon.com All proceeds of this booklet will directly go towards the hiring of a respected attorney on behalf of L.B.s innocence case. So feel free to extend an extra contribution to this effort. Please send check or money order payable to Leon Benson to: Leon Benson c/o Ad Spread Collective * PO Box 4051 * Bluefield, WV 24701

reality, by his very existence as a victimthe defeat itself turns into a salvation.
When I first read the above I was instantly intrigued and inspired by the insight it contains. And with a more analytical look at Sartres statement, I began to understand and to overcome my personal defeat of a false conviction of murder that occurred July 8, 1999. One would not simply be able to understand the profound insight of Sartres statement if that person has never directly experienced a major crisis or ultimate defeat in life (ie: near death experience, terminal illness, near fatal injuries, unexpected death of a loved one, false imprisonment, etc.). Please understand that this is my interpretation of a major crisis or ultimate defeat; however, I am sure that other experiences are equally or even more devastating to individualswhich I totally respect. Nonetheless, I will illustrate how I personally came to discover that the insight of Sartres observations were true and had their limitations that Ive grown beyond. So I have separated Sartres statement into five segments and then accorded my personal experiences with each segment, interpreting what I feel each segment means, as well as adding my own personal and empirical perspectives to them.

Poetry Chronology

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There are far too many circumstances in the world, for me to have described in this writing, that have been the tools that have destroyed peoples lives. I only hope that you drew a sound comparison from the examples I made throughout the segments that applied to your specific circumstance. Whatever your circumstance may be, whether lifethreatening or not, whether its self-inflicted or by the hands of humans or nature. My point is that we all have the power to turn any circumstances into an instrument toward personal triumph. And this can be achieved by taking responsibility of our attitudes and our negative responses to any circumstance. Each person is unique and learns life lessons in their own way. But there is only one best way to see life and the world and thats through the lens of objective reality. However, the key in adjusting that mental lens to objective reality is to adjust your attitude before observing. Because having a negative attitude limits the potentials and possibilities that can be seen that exist within the backdrop of reality or within any given situation. Therefore, before I could reach the growth I have today, I had to overcome the bad attitudes of my lack of commitment, resistance to change, expecting something for nothing, using the notion that everythings got to be perfect or a certain way as an excuse not to take action, and refusing to invest in myself. Although Ill never accept being falsely in prison, once I took responsibility to change my selfdefeating attitudes about my circumstance, my response to it became more constructively successful in correcting it. So, now I strive to steadily evolve into the positive change that I want to see in the world. There are endless examples of higher qualities of humanity in other people (past or present) that we can learn from. But never compare your circumstance to that of anothers. Because experience is not what happens to us; its what we do with what happens to us. Therefore, the only questions you must ask yourself that will motivate you to constantly achieve more out of your experiences are: How can I be a better person today than I was yesterday? How can I ensure that I am a better person tomorrow than I am today? You are your best and most dependable measuring stick in life because no one knows your soul like you.

That oppresses like the weight of the world on your chest Systematically holdn you down becuz youre black and poor Now unapologetically exercise the stratagems of power and finesse To finally seize what was already yours

~ FREEDOM ~

NEW PERSPECTIVE
My defeat made me understand my S.W.O.T. (Strength, Weakness, Opportunity and Threats) as a person in a whatever societal context in America. So I came to the realization that, at the time I fell to the blows of defeat, I was not as invincible as my youth told me I was. I recognized that I did not know half the things I thought I knew and that I needed to pick up my game all around the board including as a person. And like the late George L. Jackson wrote in 1970 in a letter to his family: I looked at myself and I discovered new ways of knowing myself, seeing and placing myself in the vast scheme! Only one fourth of the sorrow in each mans life is caused by outside uncontrollable elements, the rest is self-imposed by failing to analyze and act with calmness. Source: Soledad Brother: The prison letters of George Jackson. Then I began to develop a presence of mind that I never had before. I could see the reality of the world around me. Its a must that one learns from ones past mistakes that resulted in ones failure, as well as from the mistakes of other men throughout history but one must never live in the past! Also, its a must that one plans for the future, but not to get too far ahead of oneself, because nothing is standing still in the universe everything is moving. Therefore, any event can happen today that will change our futures in ways we never imagined possible. This future can be a good change for us; but, if its a bad change, all of our future plans would go to shambles that would leave us lost! So basically Ive learned to take it one day at a time with plans for the immediate future.

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Before my demise And hopefully more Even after: Exoneration. And to have Stirred your soul Becuz Im still survivin 4 a small piece Of that freedom today. And thats better Than to have Been forgotten! For the people of world who are still surviving within the harsh and unfair struggles of life. Never allow it to change the qualities within you. Because, in time, youll rise above it and youll discover meaning in it, a meaning that will give your life new purpose. So, be confident in the vocals of the late gospel-soul singer Sam Cooke: Its been too hard living, but Im afraid to die, cause I dont know whats up there in the sky. Its been a long long time coming, but I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will Then I go to my brother, and I said brother help me please. But he winds up knocking me back on my knees. Oh theres been times that I thought I couldnt last for long. But now I think Im able to carry on. Its been a long long time coming, but I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will. And Im sure the soul of the late Dr. W.E.B. DuBois after hearing Sam Cookes vocals would ask, Is such a hope justified? Do the sorrow songs ring true? Then my best response to DuBois timeless question would be, Only if those sorrow songs do more than just pull the singer or poet through who wrote and sung them; those songs need to compel people in the world to take the quality of action towards humane change! And on that note, by allowing my words and thoughts that reflect my belief in the goodness that exists in every human being, to live within

2.

WHEN CONSIDERED AS THE FINAL END IS BOTH A CHALLENGE TO, AND AN APPROPRIATION OF, THIS WORLD
I think whats ironic about people in general is how we take things for granted until theyre taken away from us or about to be taken away this includes our lives. Only then does it seem we respect and appreciate things. Im willing to believe this behavioral phenomenon by humans is due to the fact we isolate ourselves to our own experiences and from any thoughts of bad experiences until they are knocking at our doors. And this is when we realize how vulnerable our material possessions, social status, power, ego and life really are. Nothing is carved in stone but death. And once we honestly consider the ultimate defeat as being death lifes only guarantee well no longer take life and our loved ones for granted. And death is one of the biggest challenges that confront humans in their life spans because we are the only species on earth thats aware that one day well die, and that its appropriate. Appropriate for this world because for every beginning there has to be an end. This applies to our lives too, as its the natural law of the universe. So, if one prepares to die, one can really live life to the fullest. When one fully embraces the reality of dying someday, as well as being defeated in other life endeavors, one will begin to appreciate and take positive advantage of the time one has on earth with ones loved ones. To embrace our natural limitations and accept them, we can focus more on the abilities we have in ourselves or within our reach. Therefore, we can understand why the people who embraced this reality are more alive in our present hearts and minds, even though some of their deaths occurred hundreds or thousands of years before our time. Is this the secret to immortality?

DEFEAT,

The time is now. If not nowwhen?

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gracefully as Muhammad Ali winning his first world boxing championship title! Im pulling my physical body up in accordance to win my universal championship title of justice and freedom. But my ringside corner appears kind of empty. Will I rise again? Hell yeah, or die trying! In the meantime, I am so low on the floor that you cannot even see me. I ask that you to put your ear to the floor and listen. I have something else to share before I depart. My soul has mended With the eerie music Of the moment To stomp a kings reign dance; With no tears Falln from the eyes That hide behind The black clouds. Only the harsh drops Of the reality That I may never Make it home alive, Thundern down Upon my heart By the second. So I frantically Curved this message On the old brick walls Of a battlefield You cant see, Probably never heard of, But hopefully felt: My war 4 freedom! That has to be fought So that one day again

I had the pleasure of reading Bell Hooks Sister of the Yam and she wrote, Death is the last stage of growth. And I then realized that we die many times within a lifetime while still livingi.e., we are different people today than we were in 1995. Hopefully youve grown and your old self died off? Something would be psychologically wrong with you if you were still the same person from high school and youre now 35 years old! And as Albert Einstein once said, Insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over, yet expecting different results. I believe what Einstein meant is that one has to kill off the bad or old habits in order to grow. Defeat can be considered as a death within itself because defeat kills our prior perspective of ourselves, others and the world, allowing us to grow into better persons the next time were confronted with a similar or the same challenge. One of our biggest challenges is within ourselves. If one fails to heed the lessons of ones defeat, one is doomed to defeat oneself the worst form of defeat. For me, being sent to prison with the weight of a 60-year sentence was like a death to me. Its like you are killed from many angles at once: your freedom, your truth, your future, your sanity and your affection. Believe me, after seven years of awakening in the concrete tomb of a prison cell, Ive died each of those 2,555 days yet Ive grown twice as much in the process. But Id be hypocritical if I didnt admit that there were occasions that I wished I could die and end the pain. However these thoughts are always short-lived. Ill rightfully take my throne on destiny As other men did to become great To possess a power cowards fear I wont hesitate to step up to the plate! Ill shine brighter than ten suns While bringn light to the darkest places So my vision will never bow or succumb Amongst the worlds envious faces!

When its my time

When its my time

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MORE THAN WHAT CRUSHES HIM...

3. A CHALLENGE BECAUSE MAN IS WORTH

More often than not, our defeats overshadow who we are as a person because the pain of disappointment, embarrassment and mockery are very intenseespecially when you fail in the eyes of the ones that were depending upon your victory. This is initially hard to overcome. It is vital that one never loses ones sense of self-worth, that is, if it existed within you before the defeat occurred. One must gain or regain a sense of self-worth in recovering from the defeat. This can be done by accepting that you are only human and prone to limitations and mistakes. This will help to keep your morale high by taking responsibility and acknowledging your mistakes, as well as correcting them. This will help you to become a better man or woman the next time around. Unfortunately, when one allows oneself to constantly believe ones defeat is worth more than oneself or the people one represents, one will never allow oneself to develop the mental, physical and emotional resilience thats necessary to objectively learn and overcome what defeated you, let alone properly prepare for the next life challenge.

Winners are always remembered, while the defeated are always forgotten.
With death being the final defeat, sometimes survivors will validate how much the deceased person was worth to them more after their death than when they were alive. This does not make sense when their support would have been more useful to them while they were alive. So, its especially important that we give our support to friends and family at the times of their defeats. Sometimes a person needs confirmation when they are going through trying times in order to validate that their support systems concern, and love is more powerful than the defeat. When one is defeated, they oftentimes dont receive the moral support from even their closest friends or family members because the winners are always celebrated while the defeated are left to

CONCLUSION: A VIRTUE, FINDING VICTORY WITHIN DEFEAT.

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~ WE ARE PERSEVERANCE! ~
And countless serendipities will fall into the palms of any person during the recovery process from what defeated them. Because, with every step you make to stand back up, you will discover strengths that you never knew you possessedlike the patience, understanding and steadfastness under the pressure of the trials life unexpectedly placed upon your shoulders. Youll find objective self-worth and self-belief that would have never came forth without true struggle. Now you are a Queen or a King in your own right because the struggle is part of what comes with lifes trials. If you dont want lifes trials and its struggles, then you dont want to wear the crown! Make your defeating circumstance into a salvation by using it as a red carpet that leads to the golden throne of the person you are destined to become. Im propelled by passions Much deeper than The shallow Earths core, So let my reign pour Like that of unimaginable floods! I went from The victimized young brotha Who was left To die alone In a courtroom holdn cell, Broken

Who are we? That brings the oppressed deliverance, Gives the outnumbered souljah confidence, And nurtures the broken Heart, mind and soul With resilience; In the form of all elements combined

For every wandern Man child, Who has lost all hopes Of their Pops ever makn it home, Causn them to frown, And become embittered As they become Grown! When youre buried alive In a concrete casket While your foes push dirt over your face With their steel gavels Laughn. Now look into my eyes And recognize

Its a lonely world

~ A LONELY WORLD ~

And its been a lonely world for me the last seven years of my false imprisonment as Ive suffered the deprivation of support in the wake of this defeat. This form of long-term deprivation created in my heart: a disbelief in people in general outside of myself. This disbelief has given rise to a violent independence like that of Nat Turner, Jack Johnson, Tupac Shakur, Malcolm X and Ramses the Great. I, too, have developed a me against the world mentality. This violent independence has inhibited my Eros. Because of my deprivation of consistent sincere support from others during my downfall, Ive developed a survivor instinct so that I can give it everything I have to rise from the shambles of false imprisonment. Ive grown to feel like I have nothing or no one to depend upon but myself. There has not been a lot of love for me under this constant fire by the bullets of lost time on this battlefield. My sole-survivor instinct confirms I am worth more than what defeated me and even more than those who left me to lie lifeless on the prisons cold concrete floor. I now fight like hell to no end.

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All the Gods were very clear about one thing. The difference between them and mortals was the difference between the quality of the resources they had. While humans had their egos and were concerned with the external, material aspects of the world, the Gods had spirit, soul, and an understanding of the workings of the inner self. The danger was that sooner or later the humans would want some of that too. The Gods decided to hide their precious resources. The question was: where? This was the reason for the length and passion of the debates at the Great Conference of the Gods. Some suggested hiding these resources at the top of the highest mountain. But it was realized that sooner or later the humans would scale such a mountain. The deepest crater in the deepest ocean would be discovered; mines would be sunk into the earth; the most impenetrable jungle would give up their secrets; mechanical birds would explore the sky and space; and the moon and planets would become tourist destinations. Even the wisest and most creative of the Gods fell silent as if every avenue had been explored and found wanting. Until the Littlest God, who had been silent until now, spoke up. Why don't we hide their resources inside each human? Theyll never think to look for them there. The moral of Owens story is that we dont look into ourselves for which the real power exists. Yet, a serendipity of the recovery process from defeat is self-discovery. We learn about ourselves. Eastern philosophers have said, Once we know ourselves we can know the world. i believe this is true. Therefore, when we achieve growth and development of a defeating circumstance, it signifies the death of our weaker selves of lesser quality and the resurrection of the knowledge of our stronger selves of higher quality. We are pulled from a world of mental and spiritual death into a world of mental and spiritual life. We are drawn from the feeling that it is me against the world into discovering that God, Allah, Yahweh, Jehovah, Jesus, Buddha, a Divine power or Force was within us the entire time!

from others around them. These individuals are more apt to hold onto faith and hope when they do experience a downfall. But its hard to believe in yourself when youre all alone, especially when the hearts of people and the walls of the environment around you are vandalized by pessimism. I believe that, when one discovers [one is] worth more than any defeat, [one will] then start the process of developing an objective belief in oneself. I knew my path would be hard and traveled alone, so I had to make my own freedom songs to keep my self-belief high on the days the world tore me down. All my life I grew up around the streetz While many just be fakn, within my heart I feel it deep Please God help me out, if its heaven let me reach it Im a soulja in your army; you gave me the power so I preach it. The artist pays the price, I live it and I walk it Therefore Im obligated to keep it real when I talk it My philosophy of freedom, developed through the years From blood, flesh and tears and a lot of missing peers. So open up yo ears, Im possessed with their spirits That put me in a zone to unleash supernatural lyrics And the will to overcome, in a state of oppressed Means going against the world with a triple-plated vest. One of the less likely to succeed, against all oddsbrotha rise When I bleed the tears of victory, youll see in my eyes If youre rightfight til you die, aspiration over fear Gives you the strength to fight the storm til the second it disappears. Best thing in life is life, not money, cars or bling bling Thats a 50-yard loss, when we were put here to live and gain Im amongst a dyn breed, politicians say Generation X Take the X off generation, place it on their heads and squeeze the tech. yourself, And none of your guys left. My philosophy of freedom is gon against the

My philosophy of freedom is believn in yourself, when youre all by

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~ NOW THATS GRAVITY! ~

Youll find your internal pivot by disclaiming the perspectives of a victim and growing to accept the sudden victimization of a constantly spinning world. This internal pivot is like a supreme square on the chessboard of life that will give you a vantage point to objectively look at yourself and the world around you while enabling you to advance your endeavor with the understanding that you can be temporarily thrown off course by the sudden storms of victimization or the stagnating thorns it leaves in your pathway. This will allow you to grow from your victimizations as opposed to dying behind the desolate walls built by a victims outlook. The same walls victims build to protect themselves are the same walls that keep them trapped inside. Youll find your internal pivot by accepting the unpredictable obstacles presented by the world and the people in it. By reclaiming the balance of objectivity, youll advance through the fourth stage of getting back up. Youre standing on both feet now, just a little uncoordinated!

So its best That you accept lifes unpredictability And become a human scale Balancn The perpetual and unexpected Flux Of the external world, With the pivots Of your internal heart Mind And soul.

emotional defeats, I never lost my vision of finding my calling. I knew I wanted to be a voice for the voiceless. I began thinking about law school. In 2002, I sent a rsum to a Northern California law firm that was seeking an assistant. I landed the job and moved my family back to Northern California. Once again, I was around friends who believed in me. I moved up quickly at work, and soon became the Head Legal Assistant, which also gave me a higher salary. In 2003 I moved into a bigger apartment in order to prepare for breaking free from my abusive situation. By chance I caught him cheating, and with the support of my friends I had the courage to force him to leave. I filed for divorce and for the first time in four years I felt free. In 2004 I applied to a Northern California law school and then met my soul mate. He was a business graduate, and very supportive of my endeavorsespecially after I received a $130,000 scholarship and my acceptance letter. He bought a home and my son and I moved in with him so that he could help support us while I was finishing school. At the end of my first year, I ranked 26th in my class of 300. This is my last year of school and then Ill take my bar exam to become a civil rights attorney. In conclusion L.B., I know that my struggle was nothing like what you are going through, but the darkest times in my lifethe times when life barely seemed worth livingwere the times I had no hope. When I found hope is when I finally started changing my life and empowering myself. I was then able to make the lifealtering decisions that terrified me before. That brought back my sense of self, my love of life, my passion and my happiness. And I just want those things for you L.B.! Keep your head up. Hope (6/16/06)

5. THE DEFEAT ITSELF TURNS INTO SALVATION

I was very inspired by Hopes journey from her personal defeat, but she had two misconceptions that I wanted to correct: 1. She was giving me advice like I had a defeated spirit, even after I

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Whenever I feel the above symptoms I take a step back to ensure that Im not going too far with my present actions. Although I take risks, I dont take them recklessly. One must have internal balance to be objective.

my point about belief, I wrote her this poem two months after her sudden absence: They got my back against a prison wall By any means necessary I gotta brawl, I cant fall On the webs of the envious, Listen close to the background. You hear the hiss? Becuz in this world Aint no love 4 the righteous, The playa haters Got me sleepn with a clenched fist, Becuz my pleas 4 justice Were dismissed: To a filthy prison Where I found my vision, Of believn in self As I kept on reachn, Through the bars To the stars In the distance, Call it resilience Or perseverance, Or 4 whatever the reason My words youre readn? Now tell me What would you do, Trapped behind more bricks Than Pharaoh Khufu? I graffitied your soul With the ink of my blood, Through my pad and my pen From my pain Shown love!

Growing beyond a victims perspective.

Its only natural that when you are burnt by fire you are not going to be quick to place your hands back into the flame. The same is true about experiencing a defeating circumstance. No one wants to be subjected to that pain again. But to walk around in fear, defensive, needy for validation and/or emotionally committed to what defeated you, is a sign that you are still a victim of that same defeat. About 3 years ago I had a revelation that I had to stop considering myself a victim of the American judicial system. To be a victim, one is still vulnerable to whatever defeated one; since one has not physically, mentally or emotionally recovered, one is prisoner to a moment and time. Because I was no longer ignorant and vulnerable to the false conviction that defeated me I was able to regain my power and fight back. By taking action within the present moment, I replaced my weaknesses of excessiveness with strengths of objectiveness, which in turn helped me utilize every option and opportunity available to me. I am now able to fight my circumstances in objective ways. Now Ive grown to understand that even the most powerful, wisest and wealthiest individuals can be victimized by anybody or anything at any given time. Life is unpredictable; therefore, death is the only true defeat. Since we all will be victimized at some point in our lives, all we can do is dust ourselves off and try again. Ive learned that the key to maintaining internal balance is to never take the sudden victimization of the world too personal, whether if nature or man causes it. If you allow yourself to take it too personal, your ability to analyze yourself and the world will be based upon a victims emotional interpretation, which will compromise your objectivity. Like I said earlier, life is what it is and you have to embrace it, as it is, in a balanced way. Secluded and deluded

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between ideas, beliefs and opinions (and in this case our past pain conflicting with a non-threatening present) creates psychological discomfort, which in turn motivates a person to attempt to resolve it by reestablishing consonance/harmony among their perceptions. This can be accomplished either by abandoning or modifying a previously held belief or mode of behavior by adding other supportive perceptions to bolster one point of view and overwhelm the other with discredit or simply avoid the conflict through denial or rationalization. However, the experience of dissonance/disharmony is a subjective matter. It does not depend upon whether or not the two perceptions are logically inconsistent but, instead, upon that persons belief that they are. Here is an example of cognitive dissonance or perception disharmony. Imagine that a group of survivors from the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks in New York, Pennsylvania and Washington D.C., were so affected by the attacks that they convinced themselves that another attack would occur on the same day the following year. They then took an excessive approach to safeguard themselves by compiling food, clothing and weapons, causing much stress to those around them. When the appointed date passed without event, the survivors were forced to deal with the conflict between expectation and realityeither by getting over their fear caused by the pain they experienced during the 9/11 attacks or by somehow explaining why the event did not reoccur as they were convinced it would. In this case the survivors announced that because they were prepared and vigilant, they saved America from another terrorist attack. In reality they were wasting a lot of time and resources on the same fear the terrorist intended to sow in the first place. Though terrorists sometimes strike the same place, they rarely strike on the same date. But its this kind of cognitive dissonance thinking that can afflict anyone who has been victimized by a defeating circumstance. Most gaps in objectivity are due to some degree of cognitive dissonance or what I call perception disharmony. Though its difficult, a victim of devastation can overcome the tendency to overlook the obvious as they challenge things in their excessive reality. First one has to understand what it is about their past defeat that causes them to do this so much that it distorts their present reality. There are four mind states that

THEIR SLIGHT REALITY LIKE THE ENGINEER OR THE CAPTAIN, BUT, ON THE CONTRARY, IN THEIR EXCESSIVE REALITY BY HIS VERY EXISTENCE AS A VICTIM
I have personally witnessed countless examples of people who were victims of particular defeating circumstances who started to challenge things in their excessive reality after overcoming their defeating circumstances (i.e., a black person surviving the American Jim Crow South, a Jewish person surviving the holocaust, a person surviving the Great Depression, Black Panthers who survived COINTELPRO, 9/11 survivors, survivors of bad marriages and relationships, etc.)

Proper preparation prevents poor performances!

What youll notice about the examples I described above is that they are often the people who are preparing for another unexpected defeating circumstance to come their way. Why? They understand the harsh consequences of leaving the smallest things in life to chance. So these individuals are excessively responsible for their own actions and vigilant to the actions of others that may cause them danger. Theyre usually more prepared to protect themselves when faced with a future challenge than the average person. I totally respect their strength and approach to life. Because success is the art of being properly prepared when the right situation or opportunity presents itself. While enduring the defeats of false imprisonment the last seven years, I have grown to challenge things in their excessive reality. Being confined to a cell 23-24 hours per day has me fighting off the immediate woes of oppression and stagnation, as well as the pathological effects it has upon my entire existence. I have seen first-hand what can happen when we take things for granted. Ive had my life snatched away from me in the blink of an eyeand all for a fallacy. The beginning events that led up to my defeating circumstances was as subtle as a gentle wind flicking a leaf on a tree limb. Then suddenly that subtle wind was transformed into a violent tornado, swooping me into near oblivion.

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For one copy for U.S. residents, send a check or money order in the amount of $5 + $1.50 S&H. Those outside the U.S. will pay exact S&H. For multiple copies, contact WORD IMPACT at: (Attn: Blessing In Disguise) P.O. Box 4051 Bluefield, WV 24701 wordimpact@excite.com www.adspread.com/wi.htm You will be charged exact S&H for multiple copies. PayPal payment is also accepted. Contact WORD IMPACT for instructions.
BLESSINGS IN DISGUISE: SOUL SURVIVIN
LEON BENSON 2007 No parts of this work is to be duplicated without the written permission of Leon Benson. Inquiries should be addressed to WORD IMPACT. Cover Art byJosiah Jones-Bey #988556
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DEDICATION
My dedication goes out to the following individuals who inspired me by the dignity they display despite their unique struggles: Sigrid Davies continues to advocate humanity despite the difficult rehabilitation after brain surgery, Kay Banks is living life to the fullest despite being terminally ill, John Wayne Gibbs is not afraid to box life after a nearfatal boxing injury that left him disabled, Quiana Gibbs is living a normal life as a beautiful young woman despite being told at birth (due to birth defects) that she wouldnt live past her tenth birthday, and Carla Andrews continues to advocate justice despite being terminally ill. I got love for all of you; youre my heroes.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I must make it clear that my writing in no means is an attempt to relegate the love and understanding Ive received from a few individuals that has helped my overall objective against the enemy I face. However, I want you to know that this is a testimony of what it takes for me behind the scenes to greet you with a genuine smile and balanced mind. I must also give thanks and salutes to the following individuals who encouraged this project: Heather McCray a.k.a. Hope, our debates sparked the idea of this piece, and Marvin Smithson, Tommy Olive and Carlos Wallance, whose constructive critique of my rough draft encouraged me to present this writing to the public; *Carla Andrews whose superb typing brought my vision to life, and Keith Anderson whose grass-root ingenuity evolved my vision into this booklet form. Much gratitude to all of you.
(*Note: On July 13, 2008, Carla Andrews died from complications from her longtime battle with terminal illness. This booklet was the last project she helped me on. And her contribution to humanity will be missed, as well as her friendship to me. Let her positive spirit live on in this writing. RIP).

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Although i am not a religious person, per se, i do have a powerful scientific/spiritual approach to life, and in this writing. And nothing within this writing is subvertly or remotely intended to be iconoclastic toward anyones belief system. However, i want to welcome secular and religious peoples alike to embrace pre-existing philosophical motifs and how i came to personally describe Blessings In Disguise: Soul Survivin. No one will be alienated from my message here. Within the guise of the following pages the readers are welcomed to take the look that society warns you not to take. You can discover for yourself the blessings that await you. It can be in the form of challenging yourself, finding the practical insights, or realizing that things in your life are not as bad as you thought they were. Of course, this writing came at the expense of the hardships Ive endured and continue to endure. I want to present my thoughts to the world in the hope of arming others against an enemy that afflicts all of our lives: defeat. If one person is inspired in the process of reading this, Ill feel as though Ive one-upped the defeats I live amongst today. Defeat in any context can do more than end your particular endeavor to victory. If the defeating circumstance is novel and dynamic enough it can steal your identity and soul by audaciously making itself eponymous with what your life represents to you and others. No one needs the psychological weight of such an eponym on his or her chest. Death is nothing, but to live defeated is to die every day. Many of us secretly suffer alone everyday through this type of demoralizing death. This becomes the double-edged sword of defeat. Not only does it cut you down at that moment, but it also is perpetual in trying to redefine who you are in a negative way. Blessings In Disguise: Soul Survivin depicts my personal war with a nefarious defeat that stops at nothing at trying to steal my soul. Sometimes I feel I am badly losing to this cunning enemy. Oftentimes I artfully combat its campaign of wicked warfare by using unconventional psychological strategies Ive developed over the years while combating it. Each day I awake to live as if I were given a second chance at life and as if I had acted wrongly the day before just to keep the edge of my battle cry sharp. My physical surroundings are defeating in itself.

exist without the other and the perfection of the balance of opposites. Origin, ancient China. 9. ToriiThis symbol is used in the indigenous Japanese religion Shinto, derived from ancient folk religions and incorporating elements of Buddhism and Confucianism. The symbol represents the gateway of Shinto to reach (Kami) or creative and protective nature divinities associated with the earth. 10. Crescent and StarThis symbol identifies Islamic religion, though not widely accepted by Islamic sultans because it was once believed to be a (so-called) pagan symbol associated with Egypt. As early as the 7th and 8th centuries, new meaning was placed to the symbol: the star represents the five principles of love, peace, freedom, justice, and sun being the most noblest creation of God as well as a guide by which Muslims bow in prayer. The Crescent represents the Islamic or lunar calendar and the guide to which Muslims as a community fast as a symbol of their covenant to God. Origin, Mid-Eastern. 11. The CrossThis symbol is used in the Christian religion. It represents the death of the prophet Jesus (or Jehoshua) the Christ and that his teachings should be spread to the four corners of the world. 12. The AnkhThis symbol originated in Ancient Egypt. It is the Egyptian cross and represents the male and female organs combined; eternity happens through reproduction as a human species; eternal life through righteous works and humility because of ones submission to god; and the word ankh literally means life, soul in ancient Egyptian language. 13. Dove with the Olive BranchThis symbol originates from Gen. 8:1 in the story of Noah, in which a dove returns to the ark with an olive branch after the Great Flood. The dove

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meaning is always clear: that sometime, somewhere, men will judge men by their souls and not their skins. Is such hope justified? Do the sorrow songs ring true? W.E.B. Dubois, 1903, The Souls of Black Folk.

The Iconology of the Cover Art

It was nearly impossible for me to come up with an idea for the cover art to this writing. Many months passed without any results and i almost gave up on it, until, by a chanced encounter, i crossed paths with another Brother of the Struggle, Josiah Jones-Bey, who happened to be an artist with a vast historical and theological knowledge of the Eastern and Western cultures. Therefore, it was ideal that i requested his artistic expertise and give him creative freedom over the project after he read the writing first. After reading my writing, Jones-Bey had a remarkable outlook of how the cover art should be designed. He said that my philosophical approach to life, as well as the book title, strongly coincided with many religious and spiritual disciplines. And, as a result of his interpretation, he presented me the cover art that we see today. At first, i didnt know how to take his interpretation or his artistic design. After all, i was not trying to come off religious. However, through an informative iconographical debate with Jones-Bey and time to critically think about the matter, i accepted the cover art wholeheartedly. The main reason i saw fit to go with the cover art was due to the title Blessings in Disguise: Soul Searchin being synonymous with philosophical views of many different spiritual and religious sects worldwide. Instead of underplaying or ignoring the semblance between my philosophical views in the writing and pre-existing religious and spiritual viewsi figured it was best to acknowledge and embrace the connections through Jones-Beys cover art and my additional commentary. To bring readers more understanding to the meanings behind the cover art, Jones-Bey went on to provide a concise iconology of the symbols (in clockwise order from the cover as follows): 1. Yoga Sidar or Yoga MasterThis symbol is originate in ancient Hinduism, which depicts the ultimate goal of the

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Tryn to be grown, I misused my blessns of strength To lead the weak, And wisdom To conquer the strong. So Ive been punished with the pains of many men From different neighborhoods, Whose ghetto struggles Are so often Misunderstood! Now I know it wasnt you Who has forsaken me So I give you all of my trust, Becuz although Im in prison Im alive and free With nowhere to go But up! Indeed, any form of defeat can be devastating to experience because it can leave a person open to insecurity and/or self-doubt. In turn that can often become the spark of growth or total self-destruction if they refuse to challenge themselves. I guess some people simply bounce back from defeat while others cannot? But I personally wouldnt go so far as to say that when a person can receive more by being taught how to stand back up than by waiting for others to pull them up. Well, there is an extraordinary statement about defeat made by the late Jean-Paul Sartre who was a French philosopher in the 20th century. Sartre wrote in Being and Nothingness:

Nowhere to go but up Part 1: To begin with

Intro:

Part 2: Part 3:

Live life When its my time A lonely world Whatever it takes My philosophy of freedom Who you believe in It is what it is Soul scale Transcendence elements Blessn in disguise: Leon Walks Put your ear to the dirt Afterthought: TicN Away

Part 4: Part 5:

Conclusion:

Notes
Bell Hooks. Sister of the Yam: Black Women and Self-recovery. South End Press, 1993. Pg-11 Chris Rohmann. A World of Ideas: A Dictionary of Important Theories, Concepts, Beliefs and Thinkers. Ballantine Books, 1999. Pg67 George L. Jackson. Soledad Brother: The Prison Letters of George Jackson. 1970. Pg-64 JoEllan Dimitrius, Ph.D. and Mark Mazzarella. Reading People: How to Understand People and Predict their Behavior Anytime, Any Place.

Defeat restores to things their particular realityDefeat, when considered as the final end is both a challenge to and an appropriation of this world. A challenge because man is worth more than what crushes him; he no longer challenges things in their slight reality, like the engineer or the captain, but on the contrary, in their excessive

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1.

RESTORES PARTICULAR REALITY

DEFEAT

TO

THINGS

THEIR

I was restored to my particular reality by my devastating defeat in an American courtroom that rendered me an unjustified guilty verdict, thus a sentence of 60 years in prison. I was then awakened to the reality that I am a black man in a white American-ran society that perpetuates double standards throughout its social, legal, political, economical and educational institutions based upon a persons skin color and/or socioeconomic background. Although I felt subtle degrees of racism from white people and had an average understanding of the American black slave history before my confrontation with the judicial system, I really thought that things had changed. However, my Western influenced ideas of democracy and equality were forever shattered when I was arrested, tried and convicted of a murder I did not commit. I knew then that I was just another devalued poor black man in the eyes of most white leaders and some black leaders in American society. I also realized that racism was alive and well but tacitly practiced under the shadows of equalitys rhetoric. So I had to wake up to fight a war that was already going on around me my entire life. What I fight 4 was mine to begin with at birth. Why would anyone oppose my reach 4 ownership? My ancestors cry be willn to die 4 its worth! Therefore Ill defy any snap of the whip. Nothin has ever been given to the humble But harder blows after the turn of the cheek. We must be prepared 4 the rumble. When its a sacred possession we seek! Wisdom comes from lessons learned from our own steps Through a world that wipes away our footprints in the sand, Before the path can be followed by the youth after your death Due to wicked designs of greedy hands

So, my meta-ruler is out every day against my soul, for it is a struggle to progress and preserve the quality of my soul amidst the desolate, depriving, and demoralizing forces of prison. Prison is designed to not only hold a persons body, but to also steal the dignity, love, and freedom from the soul. But, dealing with the uniqueness of all humans, we must consider the quality of each individuals ideas and beliefs that motivates and balances them despite their body being imprisoned. As long as I sincerely live by the belief and ideas of dignity, love and freedom, there will never be a defeat or prison that can confine me. All the agents of injustice can never encircle or even hold my soul, for the power of the soul cannot be measured or imprisoned like that of the physical body. However, the soul can be measured and held by what the person eponymously leaves behind after their death for others to examine. Part of the blessing [in] disguise of this writing was that it even made it to your palms for you to examine because of social death I suffer while in prison; yet, at the moment, the volition of my soul seems to have no limits. However, I am only a human being and I only hope that I achieve higher qualities of humanity during my imprisonment and upon my exoneration that will endure long after my death, and that Im never among the broken souls. But, for now, Ill continue to represent my ideas and beliefs of dignity, love and freedom. Because my most critical judge, like everyone else's, will be time: We fightin the forces of time, its killin us softly a tic at a time, I wish we could find a button and press rewind, but we can not so were slowly dyin fightin the forces of time! But Ive convinced myself that, at any time, I will never allow any type of unjust circumstance to be victorious over me. Because hate, lies, courts, prison, guns, and death cannot conquer the truth of my soul. Remember: The soul of a righteous man never dies; its only rediscovered in the souls of those who knew him!

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My observation of myself, and the world as a whole, is much more objective because I understand the nature of the people whore behind the political moves that control the world. So, in order to never be fooled by the cognitive dissonant mask of my own ideals or the ideals of others that conflict with reality, I now observe the macro and micro of the world as whoever is in power and the ideology behind their politics. Like it or not, its natural for any group or person to protect their own interests, whether that interest is righteous or wicked, logical or distorted. In short, my defeat restored me to my particular reality of who I was as a person at that time, how the world really is, and how that world positively applied and negatively contradicted to me as a persondepending on the time or societal context. Gaining a presence of mind will give you new perspective, and this is the first stage toward getting back upon your feet. Youre standing in your own mind now!

your heart, mind and soul, you can take the steps toward the change we all truly need and deserve: FREEDOM! Because true freedom is the ultimate art of expression through the cracks of oppression of any individual who chooses to control their own destiny and the destinies of others in humane ways. Until then, you keep your head up!

AFTERTHOUGHT

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I learned from my situation that nothing is guaranteed in life. So, we must make things happen today, right now at this very moment, in order to pass on a righteous and inspiring legacy to our children and our childrens children. And if you have no kids, think about the future of humanity. If you take your life, as well as other peoples lives for granted, your obituary will read, He/she was a nice dresser, liked music and good movies and had a good sense of humor. God please let this poor child in heaven. And thats all. The people at your funeral will forget about you as soon as they walk out of that church. So think about this: No matter the negative things people say Enjoy your day!

Live life to the fullest

Ill be able to stroll Through the beautiful Labyrinth of life Out there In the bold Cold World! Where sunny dayz Will bless my vision From out their dayz In the darkness. Embrace Those who are dear to you Within the present Like a present Becuz nothn is guaranteed In life but Death. Only Breath Comes to the souls Who are willn to die To really Live! And thats real As the tears Inked within this peace I wouldnt cry Or as the winds of inspiration Pushes my fists Toward the same black clouds That hide the same faces Who wouldnt reign 4 my victories. What victories? The ones Im sure to win

Live life to the fullest

Never be overtaken by pains Focus on your gains. Let go of the grudge And hold the love!

Live life to the fullest

Or die before your death Not taking the time to love yourself. Live life to the fullest Becuz time cant be borrowed Theres no guarantee tomorrow!

Live life to the fullest

~ SO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST ~

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Ill Invidiously laugh at the fools Who left me to drown in a teardrop of blood That was to slowly cascade into my lung, While they bound my hands and feet And I still survived and won! Ill salute the trumpets of war before my grave My indignation will propel me to leave my foes in shambles, And graffiti will depict a victorious former slave Not grabn the barrel of the pistol But holdn its handle. Ill grow old and prosperous with the world Sitn in my rockn chair watchn the changn seasons, Dropn jewels on the minds of my little boys and girls While being absolutely confident of never leavn Ill embrace it like a lost thought Laugh and cry in the same breath, As the only guarantee to men Is bestowed upon me Ill take those final steps, With no resentment To greet death.

When its my time

When its my time

As you have concluded by now, I am still in prison under the oppression of a false conviction. So I am not victorious, nor have I survived my defeating circumstance. I am not a survivor, but I have the presence of mind that allows me to survive until I overcome my brickwalled obstacle. Im not a sole survivor like the hip-hop artist Young Jeezy sings about but my song would sing, Im L.B. and Im soul survivin! I presented this perspective because I have noticed throughout my 30 years of life experiences that most people were taught by their parents or caregivers to only fight their way from out of a defeating circumstance, but many of them fail or have an extremely hard time overcoming that defeating circumstance. Why? Because they dont understand that they must first become strong within the bad circumstance. If one never learns how to be objectively strong amidst that, how can they one day be totally victorious over that same circumstance? What I tried to illustrate here is that I was able to sincerely find strength, understanding and wisdom while surviving amidst one of the most defeating circumstances one can experience on a long-term basis: FALSE IMPRISONMENT! So I firmly believe that anyone can learn to be strong within their defeating circumstance, no matter what the circumstance may be, therefore emerging internally victorious. But I am still lying flat upon my back stretched out on the cold concrete canvas of a prison cell. And I swear I can almost hear the voice of a referee counting, One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! And then he repeats himself. I suppose the reason he only counts to seven and then repeats himself is significant to the seven years I have been falsely convicted and imprisoned. But dont count me out. As I tell myself, Get up champ, get up champ, get up champ! Youve come too far to stay down now! It was my high morale that I have shared with you today, so spiritually, mentally and emotionally Ive been up on my feet dancing in ciphers as

When its my time

When its my time

~ BUT IT AINT MY MUTHAF**KN TIME YET ~

Since life is really short, we must challenge ourselves as soon after our defeat as we are able to. By accepting that you have human limitations, youll be able to fully utilize the abilities and time you do have. This is the second stage towards getting back upon your feet. Youre on your hands and knees now!

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lick their own wounds. Everyone finds an excuse not to be around the defeated when their support is needed the most. Oftentimes the world turns its back on you when youre down. 4 every product Of the ghetto, Who grew up Extremely poor, Left to die in decayn surroundings Communicatn in riddles, While the President Spends more money On Patriot Acts And war! When gutless cowards Reign supreme, And your own brotha Wears the mask of keepn it real, While the envious Shatter humane dreams, And God Has become a dollar bill! When a man Is forced to live in poverty, Away from the wealth Of a womans kisses and hugs, And pain Has become his monogamy, Abandoned Of Love!

Its a lonely world

~ NOW WALK WITH ME ~

I sincerely believe my short journey through these pages, by using the calloused feet of my own experience and insight as the guiding light through an old pathway that was already curved by the late Jean Paul Sartre, has curved a new inspiration within your heart, mind and soul! Its an inspiration for you to be encouraged to curve your own pathway towards personal growth in your present day potential by breaking the shackles of the victimization that tries to bound us all to a past moment or time. By wholeheartedly accepting that death is lifes only defeat that you can truly suffer from, it is also to know that, as long as you are living, despite the defeating circumstance that will inevitably come your way, you possess the power to make a difference for the better. By doing so, you will gain serenity out of any defeat in life. This is the fifth stage of getting back up upon your feet. Now you realize you never were down to begin with! I would like to salute you if you are a person who is a survivor of any defeating circumstance. I encourage you to continue to exemplify how one should stand firm on ones internal pivots when confronted by the trials and challenges of life that unexpectedly wash up on the shores of ones existence. Life is a beautiful struggle

Into a million pieces Screamn 4 Jesus! But Jesus never came, And I never could Walk on water, But Ive learned To walk upon The blood Of my own Pain, Holla!

Its a lonely world

Its a lonely world

Its a lonely world

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But I remain stuck in the same place With brick walls huddled around me Im suffocatn

Runn, runn, runn

I wish I could get away

Maybe this is what (Gen. 1:26) of the Bible meant by: Man was created in the image of God. Therefore, can we call ourselves little gods due to the potential within each of us? i believe so. All you have to do is stop wallowing in the mud of your defeating circumstances long enough to listen closely to that voice within and youll begin to hear whispering words of inspiration similar to these: We are The divine winds That blows at the backs Of the less likely to succeed; In the form of our voices Plantn inspirational seeds! We are The conspicuous sun Givn you the upper hand in war By blindn the eyes of our enemies; Our illumination comes in the form Of truth and integrity! We are The endless stream of water Bringn life to desolate places By penetratn the slightest cracks in bricks; In the form of our bleedn sweat From consistent struggle "Can't stop, wont quit! We are The foundation of Earth Beneath every step Givn you balance While you dodge the woes Of injustice; Our gravity comes in the form Of our divinity The purest of all elements.

Punchn, punchn, punchn

Fightn for a better day Will it happen? I dont know! So Im snapn and never adaptn

To drown out the demons laughn

Yelln, yelln, yelln

Resilience, resilience, resilience

Becuz one day I will be back To the place in the world Im supposed to be

Like cancer my heart is turnn black

Stompn, stompn, stompn

Over, through and on any obstacle In my way Of being free!

True worth is gained through faith, hope or belief?

On rare occasions when a person is left to fend for themselves for so long they become less embittered that no one reached out to them to validate that they were worth more than what defeated them. In this particular process, the defeated ones realization of their worth became stronger as they accepted their own limitations and lack of compassion from others. And they strived forward. This is extremely hard for anyone to achieve alone. Few individuals know themselves as deeply as a person who suffered a harsh defeat; therefore, the individuals who lack the harsh experience are unable to initially believe in themselves outside of the confirmation

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grain, No matter the obstacles in your way or the pain. My philosophy of freedom is when theyre wrong and youre right, Be prepared to go to war with their ass all night!

~ MY PHILOSOPHY OF FREEDOM ~

At this final perspective of Sartres statement, I must salute and give kudos for the serendipity of lifes lessons gained through the struggle to objectively recover from what victimized us! As Socrates once said, an unexamined life is not worth living.

The serendipity of defeat.

The reason I say we gain serendipity from defeat is probably somewhat the same thing Sartre meant by the defeat itself turns into salvation. Although the initial experience of the defeat is painful and sometimes humiliating, that pain became the essential indicator that we needed to do something different. This indicator sparked us to begin working harder to become a better individual. From this point on well find serendipities in the process, and the defeat or victimization will be transformed into salvation. Not salvation from what victimized us but salvation from our old traits of temperament, arrogance, ignorance and misperception. This is what made us vulnerable to the defeating circumstance in the first place, regardless of whether it came about unexpectedly, or while we were attempting to achieve a particular goal. With this realization, we will no longer blame external forces of nature or men that victimized us, nor will we be too dependent on them for our rescue. Instead, we will learn to look deeply into ourselves to find a force that existed there the entire time. People tend to look everywhere for answers, inspiration and empowerment without first looking into themselves. i can think of nothing that conveys this point more clearly than the story of The Littlest God from Nick Owens The Magic of Metaphor (2001): It wasnt long after the Gods had created humankind that they began to realize their mistake. The creatures they had created were so adept, so skillful, so full of curiosity and the spirit of inquiry that it was only a matter of time before they would start to challenge the Gods themselves for supremacy. To ensure their pre-eminence the Gods held a large conference to discuss the issue. Gods were summoned from all over the known and unknown worlds. The debates were long, detailed, and soul searching.

I recently had an ongoing debate about the differences between faith, hope and belief with an aspiring law school student from Northern California who was one year from graduation. Through her correspondence she always told me to keep the hope and faith that justice would come to my situation. This would piss me off because I was already at a point in my struggles that I developed belief in myself. So, out of objectivity, I sparked a debate by questioning her hope and faith advice to me to see if I could bring clarity to her ideas. Well, in her last letter she responded by telling me how faith and hope helped her journey back from a defeated life. She wrote: In 1999 I graduated college but was heartbroken for the first time by an ex-boyfriend. And in that summer, still recovering from the defeat of a broken heart, I got a call from an old male friend who asked me out. Well one thing lead to another and I found myself moving to Southern California where he was. I was not exactly in love with him but I ended up pregnant by him. When I told my parents they talked me into marrying him for the childs sake. I tried calling my friends in Northern California to take me in so I wouldnt have to get married, but no one answered their phones. After the marriage took place I felt defeated by the chain of events because none of it was what I wantedbut I couldnt find the strength, courage or support to get out. After I gave birth to my son in 2000, my husband went overseas for 13 months on a tour of duty. I struggled as a single parent, especially with my family members lack of confidence in me raising my child on my own. But I still held onto my visions of finding my true calling. When my husband returned home in 2001, he couldnt hold a job and started physically abusing me. But I still stayed with him. Despite that I suffered these physical and

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had expressed to her several times that was not the case. 2. Because of my own growth during my seven years of false imprisonment, I recognized that what she was calling hope and faith in herself was actually belief in herself. So I clarified my perspective. Empirically Ive come to define hope as waiting on someone or some event to appear without being able to put forth the physical effort to bring forth the desired result. Faith is the hope for the completely unknown. And belief is an understanding that is validated after action has occurred. Many people may disagree with my personal definitions, but my life experience has proved them to be valid. The only time I would depend upon faith and hope is when there is nothing else I can do to assist the situation. Oftentimes people apply faith and hope to the wrong situations, which stagnates them because they fail to utilize the smallest actions they can take to produce the results they desire. The conventional definitions of faith, hope and belief are blurred into meaning the same things, which usually causes us to apply them in the wrong ways. Belief in itself comes from even the smallest action one takes towards ones desired result in life. Every action has a reaction; therefore, the quality of any result is due to the quality of action one initiates. So if you put forth effort to achieve a vision, dream, goal or recovery from defeat, then you believe in yourself. Its only natural that the more effort one puts forth to climb back up, the more one will begin to objectively believe in oneself. So I told Mrs. Hope that she never lost belief in herself because her action throughout her dark defeated moments contradict that. Whats ironic is that, after all my explaining to her, she still told me that hope, faith and belief all explain the same thing to her! I aint mad at her, though. However, all Hopes inspirational talk turned out to be false hope. Because she just stopped writing me and didnt fulfill any of her promises of support to my case. I guess I was wrong about her. She didnt believe in me or herself; she just had hope. And to prove to her

Mazes of the soul, Oftentimes leave us lost From within ourselves Tryn to find a way out. And its Cold From the deep engraved Signatures, Overlapped of each other Throughout the exposed Hallways Leadn to the deepest cores Of our heart, Written by the petty fools Who transgressed against us 4 no other reason Than spites art. Some thangs Within our lifetimes Will never be fixed Outside of ourselves, And its best To leave history broken To remind us Of how bad the pain Once felt, Unable to control The rotten hearts of men And the universes Poetic Flux. Now Talley up All the broken peaces Youve experienced, I guarantee you Theyll outweigh every monument Ever built by man Put together!

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~ I BELIEVE IN ME ~
Whats so important about gaining self-worth and self-belief is that no one can do it for you. If you dont believe you are worthy, no one else will. So, your self-worth can come by acknowledging that no bad situation is greater than what exists in the human heart, mind and soul. Your objective self-belief will come when you accept the things you cannot change and then gain confidence by changing the things you can, no matter how small they may be. This is the third stage of you getting back upon your feet. Youre on one knee, halfway up now!

cause one to lose [ones] objectivity: 1. EMOTIONAL COMMITMENT after overcoming a defeating circumstance we all tend to hold contempt and hate toward the person(s) responsible or the event that precipitated it. Also, most of us are afraid of change or exploring, so we have an excessive commitment to ourselves to leave things status quo, especially if it seems to isolate or protect us from our past pain. Those feelings tend to block our objectivity. 2. NEEDINESS after experiencing a defeating circumstance we feel the overwhelming need to revalidate ourselves, both for ourselves and for the public. This neediness will make us fall victim to the lures of immediate gratifications, therefore compromising our objectivity. After youve rebounded from a defeat, its best to take it one step at a time. It is important that you give yourself the time to make objective decisions. 3. DEFENSIVENESS no one likes to be in a vulnerable position, and, after tasting the blood of defeat, we often put up our defenses like a navy ship under attack even when we are no longer in a threatening situation. All we see is red and we quit looking, listening and learning. Then we lose our objectivity to identify real danger from an ordinary circumstance. The only way to prevent this delusional behavior is to put down your guard and open your eyes, ears and mind. 4. FEAR our primary motivator is fear, which is rooted in our eros/instinctive desire to avoid the defeats of loss, pain and death. The fear of being defeated itself can cause F.E.A.R. (False Evidence, to Appear, Real). The best weapon against fear is knowledge, but one must first embrace their fear before they are able to objectively look past them. How bad can defeat be when it is something that happens regularly throughout our lifetime? The only thing one should fear is death before having a chance to really live.

4.

HE

NO LONGER CHALLENGES THINGS IN

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Unfortunately, everything is clearer in hindsight. I now recognize that I had the power to protect myself from this defeating circumstance or avoid it altogether, if only I had paid attention to the subtle movements of the contempt that existed against me from the people who I thought were in my corner and of the direction my negative lifestyle was taking me. My immaturity and ignorance at that time prevented me from taking action. Thats why I now take action. If not now, when? Time is not anyones life-long friend. It will pass you by whether you take action or not. But if you give your best to overcome the time of your defeating circumstance, youd at least have no regrets to live with. Although Im in the desolation of prison, I still dare to love, live, trust, learn and explorewhile only giving the best I have to offer of myself to the world. I have to do this excessively due to the excessiveness of my circumstances. Nonetheless, I learned to not allow the excessiveness to make me lose my composure. No matter what the world throws your way, you must react with poiseknowing that the world never stops moving even when we are temporarily halted by our defeat. Like the seven seas, the world will wash unexpected circumstances upon the shores of your existence, whether you are prepared for it or not. 4 all the thangs Those haters say Ill never accomplish

Shoot dice!
Ive heard true knowledge and wisdom Is seldom given but bought and sold

So then I mustve paid the price

With all my pain, losses and struggles To possess love, dignity and freedom But such is life

~ IT IS WHAT IT IS! ~
Ive grown in the midst of this tornado due to learning to challenge life in its excessive reality, by staying vigilant, and prepared for the unexpected. I have also grown to understand that applying an excessive approach to everyone and everything I encounter is not in my best interest. This misapplication can cause one to experience even more problems that can result in the defeat of a new endeavor. Why? Because ones mind has not overcome the past defeat, therefore it still has ones mind in the past, which defeats ones presence of mind.

Such is life!

When does challenging things in their excessive reality turn into a reality of defeat?
On occasions, Ive seen my approach of excessively challenging reality as a sign that I was traumatized by my defeat. This meant that I was still mentally and emotionally stuck in the past pain of the defeat and subconsciously made that pain a part of my present mindset. This caused me to make very irrational decisions at times. This is a symptom of posttraumatic stress disorder as well as classic symptoms of a victim. I was not properly prepared for death or another defeat, so I didnt have the internal balance to really live and win. We all have the tendency to make decisions in the moment based upon our past painful experiences. Sometimes our emotions blind our perception of the obvious and/or of the entire picture, which distorts reality. In 1957, Psychologist Leon Festinger coined the term cognitive dissonance to describe this phenomenon. He observed that conflict

While fear has the weak Hearts and minds of men Runn in circles So literally Im calm, cool and collected As I throw my soul at opportunity While at a wedding Where Im marryn destiny While fools hope

Ima do em twice

Im as still as ice

Like Rice