A Variety of Business Writing Principles

Excerpts from Thill, J.V., & Bovée, C.L. (2005). Excellence in business communication. Upper
Saddle River: NJ: Pearson Prentice Hall

A. Effective communicators do more than convey information. They establish a good

relationship with their audience. Some ways to establish good relationships in business messages
are to make sure to use the “you” attitude, to emphasize the positive, to be polite, and to use bias-
free language.

1. Using the “you” attitude means speaking and writing in terms of the audience’s wishes,
interests, hopes, needs, and preferences. Too many business messages have an “I” or a “we”
attitude, which make the writer or speaker sound selfish. On the simplest level, the writer can
adopt the “you” attitude by replacing terms that refer to him or herself and the company bu terms
that refer to the audience. In other words, use you and yours instead of I, me, mine, we, us, and
ours:

Instead of This Use This

To help us process this order, we must ask for
another copy of the requisition.
We are pleased to announce our new flight
schedule from Atlanta to New York, which is
any hour on the hour.
So that your order can be filled promptly,
please send another copy of the requisition.
Now you can take a plane from Atlanta to
New York any hour on the hour.

The “you” attitude is more than replacing pronouns. The “you” attitude is a matter of genuine
empathy. If one is talking to a retailer, one should try to think like a retailer. If one is writing to
a dissatisfied customer, one should imagine how the customer feels at the other end of the
transaction. In fact, if one overdoes it, it will sound manipulative and insincere. On some
occasion, staying away from the pronoun you will be a better “you” attitude strategy. For
example, when someone makes a mistake, pointing out the error using you will create ill will:

Instead of This Use This

You should never use that type of paper in the That type of paper doesn’t work very well in
copy machine. the copy machine.
You must correct all five copies by noon. All five copies must be corrected by noon.

When attempting to persuade people, using the “you” attitude can be understood as emphasizing
what is in it for them. An individual who sees the possibility for personal benefit is more likely
to respond positively to the appeal.
 Instead of This Use This
Please buy this book so that I can make my The plot of this novel will keep you in
sales quota. suspense to the last page.
We need your contribution to the Boys and You can help a child make friends and build
Girls Club. self-confidence through your donation to the
Boys and Girls Club.

2. Emphasizing the positive means to stress what is or will be rather than what is not or will not
be. Most information, even bad news, has some redeeming feature. The writer ought to explain
what has been done, what can be done, what will be done instead of what has not been done,
what cannot be done, what will not be done.

Instead of This Use This

It is impossible to repair your vacuum cleaner
today.
We never exchange damaged goods.
We apologize for inconveniencing you during
our remodeling.
Your vacuum cleaner will be ready by
Tuesday.
We are happy to exchange merchandise that
is returned in god condition.
The renovations now under way will help us
serve you better.

When attempting to persuade people, using the positive means stating the message without using
words that might offend the audience. One can substitute euphemisms for those that have gained
unpleasant connotations. One can be3 honest without being harsh.

Instead of This Use This

cheap merchandise bargain price
toilet paper bathroom tissue
pimples and zits complexion problems

However, writers should avoid carrying their use of euphemisms too far. “De-recruiting” people
instead of firing them is obscure and insulting. “Relocating refuse” instead of disposing of toxic
waste borders on illegality. And counting collateral damage instead of the number of civilians
accidently killed in a war is degrading. Such forced attempt at emphasizing the positive will
backfire, damaging the business’s image and reputation.

3. Trying to be polite means to be courteous to members of the audience, to show consideration

for their needs and feelings, to express oneself with kindness and tact. Being frank and direct
does not mean being crude and rude.

Instead of This Use This

You really fouled things up with that last
computer run.
You’ve been sitting on my order for two
weeks. We need it now!
Let’s go over what went wrong with the last
computer run so that the next one goes
smoothly.
We are eager to receive our order. When can
we expect delivery?

4. Using bias-free language means to be fair and to use language that avoids unethical,
embarrassing blunders related to race, ethnicity, age, or disability. People should avoid gender
bias by replacing words that inaccurately exclude women or men (no chairman), by using the
same labels for everyone (not chairperson for women and chairman for men), by rewording
sentences to use they or to use no pronouns at all, and by varying the traditional patterns by
sometimes putting women first (she and he rather than always he and she). People should try to
avoid racial and ethnic bias by eliminating references that reinforce racial or ethnic stereotypes.
People should try to avoid age bias by eliminating mentions of age and avoiding labels like frail
and spry. People should avoid disability bias by referring to people first and disabilities second.

In general, mentions of gender, race, ethnicity, age, social status, disability should be avoided
unless it’s relevant.

Instead of This Use This

man-made artificial, manufactured, synthetic
businessman executive, business manager, business person
salesman sales representative, clerk
woman doctor, male nurse doctor, nurse
the average worker . . . he The average worker . . . he or she
The typical executive spends four hours of his Most executives spend four hours a day in
day in meetings meetings.
Phil Donahue and Marlo Phil Donahue and Marlo Thomas
Phil Donahue and Ms. Thomas Mr. Donahue and Ms. Thomas
My african american assistant speaks more My assistant speaks more clearly than I do.
clearly than I do.
Jim Wong is an unusually tall Asian. Jim Wong is tall.
 Mario Cuomo, Italian American politician
and ex-governor of New York
Mary Smith, 58, has just joined our
department.
An epileptic, Tracy has no trouble doing her
job.
Mario Cuomo, politician and ex-governor of
New York
Mary Smith has just joined our department.
Tracy’s epilepsy has no effect on her job
performance.

B. Effective communicators shape their messages. They use words, sentences, and paragraphs in
the best possible ways. In general, they use a conversational tone, they use plain English, they
select active or passive voice appropriately. With words, they use functional and content words
correctly and find words that communicate. With sentences, they understand the four types of
sentences and use sentence style to emphasize key thoughts. With paragraph, they develop
coherent paragraph.

1. Using a conversational tone means using language that sounds businesslike without being
stuffy, stiff, or full of jargon. Good business communicators avoid obsolete and pompous
language, asking themselves if they would say out loud what they are about to write. They avoid
intimacy, staying away from personal stories and expression that suggest intimacy (just between
you and me, as you and I are well aware). They also avoid humors because what seems
humorous to one may be offensive to another. Finally, they avoid preaching and bragging since
few things are more irritating than people who think that they know everything and that others
know nothing.

Obsolete and Pompous Up to date and Down to Earth

In due course Today, tomorrow (or any specific time)
Permit me to say (Permission is not necessary)
We are in receipt of We have received
Pursuant to (Omit)
In closing, (Omit)
Kindly advise Please, let us know
We wish to inform you (Just say it)
Attached please find Enclosed is
It has come to my attention I have just learned
Upon procurement of additional supplies, I I will fill your order when I receive more
will initiate fulfillment of your order. supplies.
 Perusal of the records indicates a substantial The records show a company loss last year
deficit for the preceding accounting period due to the use of old equipment.
due to the utilization of antiquated
mechanisms.

2. Using plain English refers to the level of difficulty of the language (vocabulary, grammar, and
syntax) used. Plain English is understood by anyone with a ninth-grade education.

3. Selecting active voice and passive voice appropriately influences the tone of the message.
Writers are using the active voice when the subject comes before the verb and the object of the
sentence follows the verb (John rented the office). Writers are using the passive voice when the
subject follows the verb and the object precedes it (The office was rented by John). Using active
voice produces shorter, stronger sentences and makes the writing more vigorous, concise, and
clear. Using passive voice produces longer sentences and, while not wrong grammatically,
makes the writing cumbersome, wordy, and vague.
Passive voice is appropriate to soften bad news, to put the writer in the background, to create an
impersonal tone, to avoid attributing blame (or credit), or to be diplomatic.

Instead of This (passive) Use This (active)

Legal problems are created by this contract. This contract creates legal problems.
The new procedure was developed by the The operations team developed the new
operations team. procedure.
Instead of this (active) Use This (passive)
You lost the shipment. The shipment was lost.
I am analyzing the production line to The production line is being analyzed to
determine the problem. determine the problem.

4. Using words properly implies paying close attention to correctness and effectiveness. Words
can be divided into functional words and content words. Functional words express relationships.
They include conjunctions, prepositions, articles, and pronouns. The main concern with
functional words is to use them correctly. Content words carry the meaning of a sentence. They
include nouns, verbs, adjectives, and adverbs. Content words have denotative meanings and
connotative meanings. Denotative meanings are literal, dictionary meanings. Connotative
meanings include all the associations and feelings evoked by the words. Some words have
stronger connotations than others. In business settings, one should try to avoid using words that
have strong negative connotations.

Words can also be labeled in terms of abstraction and concreteness. An abstract word expresses
a concept, a quality, or a characteristic. Abstractions are usually broad, encompassing a category
of ideas. They are often intellectual, academic, or philosophical. The more abstract a word, the
more it is removed from the tangible, objective world of things that can be perceived with the
senses. A concrete word stands for something that can be touched or seen. Concrete terms are
anchored in the tangible, material world. In business communications, one should use concrete,
specific terms whenever possible.

Instead of This (Weak Phrases) Use This (Strong Terms)

Wealthy business person Tycoon
Hard times Slump
Instead of This (Unfamiliar Words) Use This (Familiar Words)
Peruse Study
Circumvent Avoid
Instead of This (Cliches) Use This (Plain Language)
An uphill battle A challenge
Writing on the wall Prediction
Call the shots Be in charge
Cost an arm and a leg Expensive

5. Using sentences properly means understanding the four basic types of sentences. A simple
sentence has one main clause (a single subject and a single predicate–verb and related words). A
compound sentence has two main clauses that express two independent but related thoughts of
equal importance. A complex sentence expresses one main idea (the independent clause) and
one or more subordinate clauses (dependent clauses) related to it. A compound-complex
sentence has two main clauses, at least one of which contains a subordinate clause.

Type of Sentences Instead of This Use This

Overly long sentences (taking
compound sentences too far)
Hedging sentences
(overqualifying sentences)
The magazine will be
published January 1, and I’d
better meet the deadline if I
want my article to be
included.
I believe that Mr. Johnson’s
employment record seems to
show that he may be capable
of handling the position.
The magazine comes out
January 1. I’d better meet the
deadline if I want my article
included.
Mr. Johnson’s employment
record shows that he is
capable of handling the
position.
Unparallel sentences (using
dissimilar construction for
similar ideas)
Dangling modifiers (placing
modifiers close to the wrong
nouns or verbs)
Long noun sequences
(stringing too many nouns
together)
Camouflaged verbs
(Changing verbs and nouns
into adjectives)
(Changing verbs into nouns)
Sentence structure
(separating subject and
predicate)
(Separating adjectives,
adverbs, or prepositional
phrases from the words they
modify)
Awkward references
Too much qualifiers
Miss Simms had been
drenched with rain,
bombarded with telephone
calls, and her boss shouted at
her.
Walking to the office, a red
sports car passed her.
The window sash installation
company will give us an
estimate on Friday.
The manager undertook
implementation of the rules.
Reach a conclusion about . . .
A 10 percent decline in
market share, which resulted
from quality problems and an
aggressive sales campaign by
Armitage, the market leader
in the Northeast, was the
major problem in 2001.
Our antique desk is suitable
for busy executives with
thick legs and large drawers.
The Law Office and The
Accounting Office distribute
computer supplies for legal
secretaries and beginning
accountants, respectively.
We are extremely pleased to
offer you a position on our
staff of exceptionally skilled
and highly educated
employees. The work offers
extraordinary challenges and
a very large salary.
Miss Simms had been
drenched with rain,
bombarded with telephone
calls, and shouted at by her
boss.
A red sports car passed her
while she was walking to the
office.
The company that installs
window sashes will give us
an estimate on Friday.
The manager implemented
the rules.
Conclude
The major problem in 2001
was a 10 percent loss of
market share, which resulted
from both quality problems
and an aggressive campaign
by Armitage, the market
leader in the Northeast.
With its thick legs and large
drawers, our antique desk is
suitable for busy executives.
The Law Office distributes
computer supplies for legal
secretaries; the Accounting
Office distributes those for
beginning accountants.
We are pleased to offer you a
position on our staff of
skilled and well-educated
employees. The work offers
challenges and an attractive
salary.
 Instead of This Use This
Unnecessary qualifiers very, extremely, totally,
completely, really, quite,
rather, somewhat
Unnecessary wordy phrases For the sum of . . . For
On the occasion of . . . On
Have the capability of . . . Can
With reference to . . . About
Unnecessary relative Cars that are sold after Cars sold after January will
pronouns January will not have a six- not have a six-month
month warranty. warranty.
Unnecessary long words During the preceding year, Last year, the company sped
the company accelerated up operations.
productive operation.
Unnecessary redundancies Absolutely complete Complete
Basic fundamentals Fundamentals
Follows after Follows
Reduce down Reduce
Free and clear Free
Refer back Refer
Repeat again Repeat
Future plans Plans
Important essentials Essentials
End result Result
Actual truth Truth
Final outcome Outcome
Unnecessary double Modern up-to-date equipment Modern equipment
modifiers
Unnecessary starters There are five employees in Five employees in this
this division who were late to division were late to work
work today. today.

In general, writers should vary the sentence type, give important ideas more space, put important
ideas at the beginning or at the end of sentences (or paragraphs), and make important ideas the
subject of the sentence. In complex sentences, the placement of the dependent clause hinges on
the relationship between the ideas expressed. If the writers want to emphasize the idea, the
dependent clause should be at the end of the sentence, The second position of emphasis is at the
beginning of the sentence. If the writers want to downplay the dependent clause, it should be put
in the middle of the sentence.
 The electronic parts are manufactured in Mexico, which has lower wage rates
than the United States.

Because wage rates are lower there, the electronic parts are manufactures in
Mexico.

Mexico, which has lower wage rates, was selected as the production point for the
electronic parts.

6. Developing coherent paragraphs imply being able to identify the elements of the paragraph and
develop it properly.

The typical paragraph contains three basic elements: a topic sentence, related sentences that
develop the topic, and transitional words and phrases and sentences. Every properly constructed
paragraph is unified. The sentence that introduces the single topic of the paragraph is the topic
sentence. The topic sentence reveals the subject of the paragraph and indicates how the subject
will be developed. The sentences that explain the topic are the related sentences. These provide
details on the topic. Transitional elements appear in between the sentences in the paragraph
(connecting words like and, but, nevertheless, however, etc. and parallel structures like repeating
a word or a phrase throughout the paragraph or like paring words and ideas) and at the end of the
paragraph (in the form of a transitional sentence, summarizing the paragraph’s content and
transitioning to the next paragraph).

Paragraphs can be developed to illustrate, compare (and contrast), show cause and effect,
classify, and show solutions to problems.