Social Life for Home Schooled Children

Aruddha Devi Dasi

By Krishna's arrangement twenty years ago we found ourselves in Boise, Idaho with no temple or devotee association. Thus, we decided to start a center so that gradually we could develop good association. Initially it was hard to find good friends for our children. Most of the congregation members at the time ate meat or eggs and watched television. However, there was one South Indian family who were Sri Vaishnavas, and they did not eat meat, eggs, or onions. Our children would play with their two sons, occasionally spending a night at their house or inviting them over to our house. They played games together and sometimes practiced dramas for festivals. Besides these two friends, they had several casual friends who came to the Sunday feast. Sleepovers Association is important for devotional life or any other activity. Gang members hang out together and so do devotees, musicians and mathematicians. Sending our children for sleepovers or slumber parties was a difficult decision for us. Initially we would let them go for sleepovers to the homes of congregation members and other families. However, we would be mortified when we found out that they watched television and played video games because their friends did not know what else to do. Not only that, we would see subtle changes in their consciousness. We would note their requests for toys and games and we would spend several days undoing what they had picked up in only a few hours. Eventually the sleepovers turned into a one way affair. We decided to have sleepovers only at our home so that we could look after them. Our experience was that one or two good devotee friends were better than a lot of friends who were not devotees. As parents we have to keep a watchful eye on them and teach them the difference between good and bad association. If we teach them to make intelligent choices while being respectful to all, they will be happy and grateful to us later in life.

Parties We rarely went to non-devotee parties because invariably there would be meat, cakes with eggs, onions and garlic etc., and we tried to eat only prasadam. If we did have to go, we ate before we left and discussed the importance of eating only prasadam. The children need repeated, gentle reminders. My older son remembers his experiences avoiding unoffered food at parties: It was almost like we had a secret pact with Krishna and we were not going to let Him down. This was actually quite exciting for us. I remember we had so much variety of fresh prasadam at home that we felt satisfied. My mother would often make pizza and cookies without eggs. My mother was teaching us the importance of eating only prasadam and some austerities that may go with this principle. However, to us it didnt feel like we were missing anything, there was always so much prasadam around. These austerities actually felt like fun, and we had a real sense of accomplishment. Also what made a big impression on me was that our parents never went anywhere without us. Wherever they went, we went. There was no such thing as adult parties or kids parties. Their life was an open book. In other words, we never thought that when we become adults we can do this but as children we are denied. Their fun was the kind of fun we also liked. We helped them cook, clean, sow, dress the Deities, garden, do laundry, go for walks, play, sing etc. In our early years we did not have many devotees for association. We only had each other and discussed a lot of things together. Not only were they our parents but good friends as well. The Importance of Adult Association During their formative years, children are like sponges--they are quick to pick up habits from their environment. If they are around devotees and good role models, they will emulate them. In a conversation with a disciple, Srila Prabhupada explained the effect of childhood experiences on one's later development. Children imitate whomever they associate with. You all know the movie Tarzan. He was brought up by monkeys, and he took on the habits of monkeys. If you keep children in good association, their psychological development will be very goodthey will become like demigods. But if you keep them in bad association, they will turn out to be demons.

Children are a blank slate. You can mold them as you like, and they are eager to learn. Therefore, Srila Prabhupada stressed the importance of exemplary adult association for our children. Of course they can play with other devotee children, wrestle and frolic with them, but good adult association should be given precedence over peer association. Prabhupada said, "If the children simply do as their elders are doing, that is, regularly attending mangal arati, rising early, chanting, eating prasadam, looking at books, worshiping the Deities like that, then automatically they will become trained up in right way and there is no need for special program for education. Children will always do as they see others doing, so if by the good association of their parents and the other older persons, they will come out nicely fixed in Krishna Consciousness . . ." In today's society, due to the overemphasis on peer association we see that children and young people lack a sense of responsibility and have difficulty finding their place in life. For example, instead of helping adults, teenagers see themselves as being almost a different species. Young people and children today don't like to mix with adults. They have their own subcultures with their own music, language and style of clothing. Krishna conscious children, however, do the same kinds of activities as their elders chanting, dancing, studying the scriptures, attending feasts, and participating in plays and festivals.

Attend Temple Functions Regularly An effective way to develop social skills in children is to take them to the temple regularly and encourage them to participate in temple programs. This can be done by volunteering at the temple or taking part in plays and kirtan. The children will make long lasting friends and learn social skills. Also we can involve them in Sunday schools, Bhakti Vriksha and Nama Hatta gatherings by encouraging them to do kirtan, skits or small individual performances occasionally. Children should feel active participants at every event; otherwise, they lose interest.

Preaching Helps Children Develop Socially Besides practicing Krishna consciousness ourselves, it is important to give Krishna to others. Sharing Krishna consciousness with others gave our children ample opportunity to develop their social skills. We organized preaching programs at schools, libraries, fairs and other events. As the children learned to make presentations on Krishna consciousness, we watched with surprise as they explained the philosophy with ease and answered questions that were sometimes challenging. In the temple, they often took part in festivals and plays, talked with guests, and eventually gave classes. We spoke and chanted at outdoor city events and went on book distribution and harinam where they interacted with others. They participated in Sunday school and nama hatta, where they could recite slokas and stage plays. Another important venue for social interaction came when we started a restaurant. The children would run the cash register and explain the items on the buffet. They often made light hearted small talk with the customers and endeared many who came.

Competition, Comparison, Pressure One of the inevitable features of social interaction is competition between children. While some mild competition is natural and even good as a motivation to perform better, heavy competition or comparison can cause great anxiety for both children and parents. Srila Prabhupada said that material life means competition, envy, and the mentality that one can succeed only at the cost of someone elses failure. Spiritual life, on the other hand, is devoid of these qualities. In 1974, a teacher at the Dallas gurukula introduced a new learning contest for the children called Krsna Bowl (modeled after a television program) that tested the students ability to remember incidents in the Krsna book. Srila Prabhupada, however, was upset: It should be stopped immediately. This thing will be a taxation on the brain of the young children. Why are you inventing? Why are you not satisfied? You are all only inventing and spoiling money. You teach the children perfectly Sanskrit and English instead of spoiling time and money. Some pressure on the older children is good as long as it is applied within reason. As parents we know if they are capable of doing more and we can apply some pressure to get them to work harder. However, this pressure

should come in the form of encouragement and positive reinforcement rather than fear or negativity. Overall, I would be positive in my approach, applying pressure when needed and praising them profusely if they made a sincere effort. The result is not as important as the effort itself.