My name is Lily and I am a survivor of child sexual abuse which Involved being part of a pedophile ring.

I dont remember how old I was when my abuse started because I always remember it being part of my life. There was multiple abusers and as a result I developed complex mental health issues as a adult. I finally got to safety at the age of 29, after moving 13 times and changing my name three times. I have had a huge amount of support to help me rebuild my life and so this leads me to where I am today. At 35 and after watching how differently me and my Brother have been treated I would like to help Men who have been or who are being abused. That is because although I have to live with my mental health issues I am free. I have had help. I have learnt not to blame myself. I have learnt that I am not alone. I have learnt what it feels like to be safe. I have had lots of people drum in to me what a lovely person I am. Sadly my Brother didnt have any of this and why? you ask. My only answer to be frank is because he is a Man. Men are seen as strong and capable of looking after themselves even if for years as a boy they have been used as a sex slave. Men are seen as being weak if they ask for help even if for years they have had to use every ounce of strength to get through every day after being tortured. Boys are taught never to hit a girl. Always respect their wishes and that no means no. What happens if the man or the boy is being hit? What if the man or the boy is the one who is being raped? No one seems to know the answer. No one wants to think about the possibility. No one wants to acknowledge the problem because then if we see there is a problem we would have to do something about it. We would have to painfully acknowledge mothers fathers relatives friends teachers police church leaders abuse boys. We would have to acknowledge that wives girlfriends boyfriends husbands inflict violence upon the person they supposedly love. We would have to start to look at what support is needed and what support is available to the victims. We have to acknowledge that as human beings we are failing men. We would have to look ourselves and think why is it I can see a woman can be a victim but not a man? Why is it we can see child abuse has a profound affect on a girl and adult survivor but not on a adult man? Why do we think it is ok to support a female adult survivor of CSA but not offer the same support to a male survivor of CSA? Why is it ok to say we believe women? Women matter but by only supporting women we say men don't matter. Your abuse has not had a impact. As a society we are repressing and silencing male victims. By giving the impression that only women and girls are

victims and only men are perpetrators we are leaving men to suffer the legacy of abuse all on their own. If they even dare to look for help they are bombarded with information aimed at women. If they even dare to call a helpline they will be told we don't support men. At best they maybe told of places that do offer support but this support maybe miles away. They may pluck up the courage and look for a refuge for men suffering domestic violence to find that all seven are full. While women have 100s of refuges men have seven. Now I am a stickler for fairness. If we look at statistics 1/4 children will be a victim of CSA before the time they are 18. Its funny as when we look at children its gender neutral. As soon as the boys turn into men it becomes a different story. One in four women will be raped. One in four women will be a victim of domestic violence. One in six men will be a victim of domestic violence. I'm not sure if researchers have looked at how many adult men will be victims of rape. I think I once read one in twenty. Now again we are constantly saying that the statistics for women are a estimate as many women choose not to report. Now while police and other agencies are fully aware women don't report we again disregard men. Are men likely to report their abuse when to start with there are few places to go? Are they likely to go to the police and say their wife is beating them when there is a chance they could be charged with being the perpetrator? There has been cases where a man as grabbed a woman in self-defense. She has ended up with bruises on her wrist and she has then claimed she was the victim. Of course society love to help a female victim even if its at the expense of the true victim. We just can't see women as offenders and yet the founder of women's aid Erin Pizzey said in 1978 when she was working with abused women that the women could be just as violent. There was acknowledgement back then that women were violent but no refuges were built and no support resources formed. The focus was and still is on female victims. Now lets say the statistics are true. One in four children are victims of CSA. Lets say that as children they get no help. They enter into adulthood and their lives are plagued with the effects of CSA. The now adult women has 100s of rape crisis centers to go to for support. They have women's health centers. Women's self help groups. Drs are willing to refer women to psychotherapy. There are huge campaigns aimed at violence against women and girls. Women are encouraged to speak up and not suffer in silence. Why are men told to suffer in silence? Why do rape crisis acknowledge women and girls can be

raped but ignore those little boys who were also raped or the adult men who have suffered the humiliation? It should be that one in four services that offer help to sexual abuse survivors help men. This reflects the one in four statistic that suggest one in four children are abused who then become the one in four adult survivors. With regards to domestic violence it is acknowledged that one in six men will suffer the crime as an adult. This statistic is a estimate. This would suggest that if we had 100 refuges 60 would help women representing the one in four statistic. 40 would help men representing the one in six statistic. If this was to happen it would go some way in meaning we have a just and fair system when dealing with victims of domestic violence. It would mean that based on statistics the support was in proportion and there was enough support for all. This does not happen. We could ask ourselves why and there could be a million answers. I will focus on two reasons. One is funding. Another area of inequality is that while the government are willing to fund services aimed at supporting women and girls the same amount of funding is not given to services that help men. Again everyone is given the impression only women need help and so that's where the money goes. This again tells men they don't matter. If they did there would be sources of support. The other reason is men themselves are reluctant to come forward and admit they are a victim and ask for support. We go on about negative stereotypes of women all the time. The stereotype of a man being big and macho and able to stand up for himself does a lot of damage to men. If a man is a victim, even if as a child it goes against what society tell him. Suddenly he is not strong and macho but a victim of crime. We are told to never ask a woman did she fight back etc but we presume a man will. Men need to realise there is nothing to be ashamed of if they are a victim of any kind of abuse. They need to know they will be believed. They need to know there is support. At the same time men need to start shouting as loud as the women and start coming forward and say we deserve support too. Its all very well services trying to help and reach out to men if men are going to be their own worst enemies and not speak up. All this does is reinforce societies naive view that men and boys are not victims. If they were where are they? They are staying silent for many valid reasons. We all know the biggest single factor a abuser needs to get away with abuse is silence. While men remain silent there won't be equal services. There won't be awareness raised. There won't be any support. There won't be any funding.

Changes need to me made. We need to insure that no victim is left behind. That everyone that suffers the horrors of abuse get the support they want need and deserve. That no one should feel they have to suffer the abuse alone or deal with the aftermath alone. The aftermath can be devastating and I often ask myself why is the statistics for suicide higher for men. Could it be because they are deterred from seeking help? Not that there is much help out there any way. We are losing our fathers our sons our husbands to suicide. Mothers sisters wives grieve their painful loss but what could have been done to prevent their loss? If only they had got help. If only they had talked to someone. If only someone spotted the signs of abuse we are told to look for in women. If only....... If only we could acknowledge men are victims too we would live in a much fairer society where there is more compassion for all. We ask men to end violence against women and girls. Why should we expect this of men if we don't expect men and women to end violence against men and boys? Abuse does not discriminate. Anyone can be a victim. No victim deserves to be left behind struggling to swim but drowning in the process. We all play a part in ending violence. Violence against all not some. For the sake of every baby boy born today the world needs to change and we need to make sure he is loved nurtured and protected as a child but also as a adult. Men need protection too. As a society we tell men they can protect themselves and so men need to stand up and say actually I deserve protecting from rape and abuse to. Women cannot have equality if it only helps them. We will never end domestic violence if we only focus on one gender. Child abuse will never end if we only seek to protect girls. The world will never be fair until we realise all can and are abused. Only then will there ever be a possibility of a world free from violence and abuse.