th e backdoor

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THE PIONEER LOG

SEPTEMBER 20, 2013

Making friends at Lewis & Clark

Welcome to Lewis & Clark! Every year, first-years at LC use these very techniques to make friends. So, for those of you who are still loner-boning (or mastur-boning, if you will), here are some common strategies used to make friends at LC:

Would it be innappropriate to put a silhouette of Lewis bent over in front of Clark in our heading?

1 Never read for E&D Dont read for E&D, but always relate discussion to the article you read last night on Jezebel. 2 Get a car Nothing says friendship like hall mates begging you to take them to Fred Meyer. 3 Complain about Bon Coffee Nothing unites friends like a common enemy: Caff Vita. Not to mention how impressed people will be by your refined taste. 4 Complain about The Backdoor Show off your refined sense of humor by bashing this joke. This very joke. Turn to the person next to you, and make a joke about how unoriginal this joke is. Then, ask if they like BBC and go watch Doctor Who together in your double. 5 Complain about how much you pay for a meal plan Never mind what everyone pays for a meal plan. YOU need to get your moneys worth. You deserve to steal. Steal ice cream for your dorm. You will become a campus legend. 6 Be really loud in the Bon The problem might be the lack of recognition. Make your presence clear by commencing a round of the Penis Game. If you are reading this in the Bon at this very moment, scream Penis. Scream louder. Scream in a Southern accent. Scream so loud that Betty runs to the Chapel. 7 Justify the fact that youre not at Reed Make sure everyone knows why youre not at Reed. You didnt get in, but there is a reason. Tell them you chose not to apply (though you were waitlisted). 8 Delete your Facebook Nothing says hip like not having a Facebook. It shows that your social network is so strong you dont rely on Facebook invites to house parties (or that you prefer to split your party nights between the Manzi DSA and quads). 9 Throw condoms at people Nothing says youre more edgy or cool than tossing the free condoms around. Make sure to toss it at a girl you likeits a great icebreaker! 10 Let them know youre from the Bay Area, not just California Trust me, being this vague will let people from California know that you dont roll with specifics, man. And itll leave Oregonians, Washingtonians and other folks in the dark, thus making them ask where that is exactly. Perfect!

ILLISTRATION BY AVIVA BROWNING

Summertime sadness after The OLCC infringes upon our right to Lana Del Rage.

Perhaps my mom knows too much about my sex life

The summer was winding down, and I was considering applying to be editor for The Backdoor. My friends encouraged me to apply, referencing my short stint as a comedic talk show host on KLC. I had my doubts. So, I asked my mother what she thought of me being the editor of The Backdoor. Without even knowing what The Backdoor was, she responded:

Arent you an expert at The Backdoor?*

You caught my eye

You: Submitting Lewis & Clark missed You: Still wearing your connections via a Google form. standard-issue Copeland Me: Killed by the Google form star. lanyard. Me: Also encircling you at social You: Hipster Typing your novella on events. a Macbook, wearing a button up shirt, styled hair, and sporting You: Riding a broomstick while black Buddy Holly glasses. running around casting spells Me: Wishing our school wasnt a with your pen. Starbucks. Me: Realizing we really are living at Hogwarts. Me:Too [nervous, unsure] to get up the courage to [talk, ask out, get You: Taking just the crossword number] so instead Ill just stare at section of the NY Times. you and write a Missed Me: Just way 2-Down to take Connection. you out sometime. You:
Have your eye on a foxy Pioneer without a Facebook? Submit your Missed Connection to youcaughtmyeyelc.blogspot.com.

The Backdoor is a work of humor and fiction. This weeks contributers were Caitlin Degnon, Drake MacFarlane and Tyler Wayne Patterson. *Email twpatterson@lclark.edu if you still dont get the joke, or have other inquries.